Velo
Stab! Stab now!
120: Time Gladiator Mack Reynolds
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21st century gladiators fight a duel to the death to stop war... and save the world from final destruction!
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gellaho
Just take as many pills from the man you fought in deadly combat
FancyShark
"Hahaha, why poison when I can give you Certs and then cut your throat?"
Velo
If you ask "is this thing poison?" And the person you asked just starts laughing? You deserve whatever happens when you consume that thing
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
"Dude im giving you our best Peoples Speedball, just be grateful."
gellaho
"You know what? Shit, I guess we are fucked"
FancyShark
Counterpoint: those weapons didn't do their original owners any good
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
I really do not understand why everyone felt the need to pick up things like little loot goblins when they got offered their choice of weapon in the first place.
gellaho
Espionage-counter-espionage is the anti-anti-missile of the spy world
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I think they only get to bring 1 weapon?
so everyone's picking up spares
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
You dont really get an advantage from a weapon you cant really use and hauling around extras is dumb when you could simply have taken one you wanted in the first place.
FancyShark
But this one's red!
Velo
He's right, it is red.
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
That is true.
gellaho
In such wise to avoid the fat being in the fire
FancyShark
Imagine watching this on TV
Imagine how pissed you'd be that you couldn't get a refund from Pay-Per-View
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Solid fourty minutes of the Euros standing around and smoking while listening to EDM, the Russians creeping thru the bush and fucking Denny staring at the sky like a goober.
No worse than a given Wrestlemania.
Velo
Can't believe I spent good social credits on this
gellaho
It's a regular track-and-field competition
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
What a shitty javelin.
FancyShark
Would you take bathroom and snack breaks, or would you be glued to the TV the entire time, certain something had to happen soon?
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
What did they make it out of fuckin flint?
Goddam Ikea javelins.
gellaho
Denny fights his own weapon with Zero's weapon
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Denny can you even use a rapier?
Velo
No
FancyShark
"Damn you, Buster Stabs! You betrayed me for another!"
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Should have used the trench knife to cut a stout stick off a tree.
gellaho
Zero taking L's from the grave
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Also kind of a crappy rapier.
Velo
I'm glad he didn't live to see this
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Like it should bend but not snap immediately.
Velo
It would have been embarrassing
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
It was a shitty choice in the first place.
disculpa mi tulpa
it's a poker, not a weapon
gellaho
Denny has zero kills in honor of Zero
disculpa mi tulpa
this makes it more believable when Yuri takes the fall
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Congrats Denny, you get to fake get your ass kicked again.
gellaho
As thanks, Denny immediately punches Yuri out while he's not looking
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Oh i was kind of expecting some kind of..............anything else.
FancyShark
There are Steven Seagal fights with more dignity than this
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Mack really isnt one for drama sometimes lol.
gellaho
This guy is having a great time
Velo
Denny. Slit his throat, Denny.
gellaho
Just violently dying in the background
disculpa mi tulpa
blood for the blood god Denny
Velo
Your only hope is to bushwhack him, Denny
gellaho
Velo
Do it Denny. Sup on his neck blood.
disculpa mi tulpa
yes, DO IT
Velo
Become the ultimate warrior, Denny
gellaho
You knew that wasn't going to happen
Velo
God damn it Denny you suck so much
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Eh he never liked Zero anyway.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
denny is then disqualified by wearing shoes
gellaho
Unfortunately for Denny, the pep pills are wearing off
FancyShark
Denny, unless you're a pacifist, you shouldn't be this bad at fighting
Velo
Yuri wakes up and gnaws off Denny's feet
I feel like most pacifists would do better than Denny
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Post meth sleepiness is such a killer.
FancyShark
Can the worthless dweeb who gets knocked unconscious every fight muster the strength to walk off his meth crash?!
gellaho
And there he goes again
FancyShark
Nnnnnope
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
YOU FUCKING GOOBER!
Velo
Denny passes out, falls into a shallow puddle, and drowns
gellaho
Part 311
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
I hope you get your brain colonized by some sort of mold, Denny.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"Ah, Denny, Champion of the Arena. Remember that time he forgot how to walk?"
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Three eleven is a third of a nine eleven!
Its not the worst but kinda not great!
FancyShark
Adding to the Atrocimeter
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
oh is a vision of Galadriel going to compel him to his feet?
gellaho
Great security: a chain link fence
FancyShark
lol
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Tears because you are this close to fucking blowing it.
disculpa mi tulpa
this reminds me of when Denny was at the battle of five armies and an eagle dropped a rock on his head
FancyShark
They would have used a snow fence, but Denny kept getting caught in it
gellaho
"How dare you, sir! I have never once been funky!"
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"don't ever call me funker, Biff"
disculpa mi tulpa
they really made a draw pretty likely here. way to draw it out
these rules are flawed!
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Actually Denny you didnt, you got waylaid and nearly murdered, then your remaining teammate died on his own, then you more or less didnt do anything but not die and punched a Russian.
gellaho
Toddle to victory
gellaho
Toddle like you've never toddled before
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Toddling while unbalanced with a boner.
FancyShark
He staggered like an erect todd-
no
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Just one comma there and he gets a textual boner.
gellaho
Three months later
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
You werent even that badly hurt!
FancyShark
What's really unsettling is that you would have finished this book last week if this was the end. Which means this isn't the end despite waking up in a hospital three months after the big fight being a classic ending move
Velo
He had a big owie
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I think this is at least 3 harry potter's worth of waking up in hospital and having the grownups explain what happened to you
FancyShark
Mack, what are you doing?
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
"Well Denny it turns out that the international court system is a joke. Nobody admitted to having Dr. Science and we started world war 3. Or four."
FancyShark
Denny mugs to the camera.
"Here we go again!"
gellaho
Part 3 just started, baby
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
"But since you did so good at gladiator we decided to give you command of an army corps."
gellaho
Colonel Yuri was on the carpet.
disculpa mi tulpa
now he time travels to ancient rome and fights some gladiators in TIME
pounding your fist into your palm is not very Zen
FancyShark
Wait
gellaho
It's not going great on the carpet
FancyShark
If this DOES lead to time travel, he could end up redoing the massive fight and getting it right so his bros don't die
disculpa mi tulpa
or he could just pick out a nicer carpet for the trial
Velo
If this wasn't Denny you would be right, but it is, so no he couldn't
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Turns out nobody had Dr. Science!
Velo
He could just pass out again
Maybe shit himself
FancyShark
Honestly, an Edge of Tomorrow starring Mr. Bean would rule
gellaho
Seems like a real party
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
"Its almost like this whole trial by combat was pointless!"
FancyShark
A yataghan is a kind of slow-cooked roast, right?
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Also fuck you, a yataghan is a good design for a sword.
disculpa mi tulpa
glad mescaltranc was explained again. Wonder if the parts of this were in something like Analog or Asimov's before they were a book
gellaho
Trials really get him going
gellaho
That was a fun trial
FancyShark
lol
disculpa mi tulpa
Denny is gonna stick a quarter in Zoltan's mouth and wish he were big
gellaho
I'm pretty sure Denny did dishonor the agreement when he cold cocked you instead of letting you take a dive
Velo
Maybe kill Denny
FancyShark
"Weird that our agreeing to not kill each other didn't null the goal of the tournament"
Velo
The only logical explanation is that there are no refs
gellaho
The art of truth serum and hypnosis
gellaho
Velo
Oh right it's a dystopia, I remember that
FancyShark
Stiffly properly and erect
gellaho
I see your karate is as big as mine
gellaho
FancyShark
When he was uncouncious? That's inconchinable!
disculpa mi tulpa
yes but his came in a cracker jack box
gellaho
Half to his feet, so he's on his heels?
disculpa mi tulpa
maybe it's a sex thing
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Way to guarantee you get sent to a black site after this, Denny.
Enjoy having your balls whacked with a knotted rope in Hyper Korea or whatever.
gellaho
I wonder if World Court is shown on TV like the People's Court
FancyShark
Denny: "If you send me to a black site, I'll just inform the press"
disculpa mi tulpa
now his anti-anti-anti missilies will merely be anti-anti missilies
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Or maybe dont and just........build new weapons, like always.
FancyShark
The West-world will take the recommendation under advisement and then ignore it
gellaho
Do you need both the truth serum and hypnosis?
FancyShark
"The Gaulle seemed weirdly into it"
disculpa mi tulpa
not surprised the author has a pipe in his pic. This is a dude who has dropped many cigarettes in his own lap
I BELIEVE THIS SCENE
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
The perfidious Frenchman has arranged it such that even HE is decieved!
gellaho
Denny, a history professor and gladiator, is obviously qualified to judge the efficacy of spies lying
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Also I like to imagine that when they say "The Gaulle" they mean literally a cyborg Charles De Gaulle.
Biological head floating in a jar attached to this weird little French tankette.
gellaho
This partnership is going well
Velo
Denny isn't qualified to walk ten feet
Denny's apartment is babyproofed and he doesn't have kids
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
It would be funny as hell if like Dr. Science got kidnapped by the Double IRA or something.
Velo
If Denny gets lost in a supermarket he becomes a ward of the state
gellaho
I wonder if he was a prophet
disculpa mi tulpa
hey gaul, I heard you like prophecy, so I put . . .
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
"Hon hon hon, ow you say, suck it!"
gellaho
Now that's the name of a President
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Did they question the rat piloting the French dude?
disculpa mi tulpa
don't blame me I voted for Number Two
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
And god Seymour Gatling goes hard as a presidential name.
gellaho
THOSE DAMNED NEUTS!
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
I literally just watched that movie last night.
gellaho
Or not
disculpa mi tulpa
pfft, only questioning the heads of state. obviously this caper was the work of the deep state
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Realistic but not interesting, Mack. A+ accuracy, C- entertaining.
disculpa mi tulpa
seriously though, Mack never heard of plausbile deniability
FancyShark
The rest of the book is them questioning every person on Earth
gellaho
Fracas Buff Magazine could use a second stab at their name
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Compared to like a Lensman book, where theyd be like "Oh an anti anti missile missile? We invented a ray that pulls iron out of things and stores it as potential energy for space flight. Who even needs missiles any.......oh now the ray is also obsolete."
Velo
Did be just arrive in Super Washington
gellaho
It's good he's not a main character in a book
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
His whole deal is he gets knocked out, hes not even good at fighting!
FancyShark
We wanted a gladiator and got a fainting goat
disculpa mi tulpa
going all in on that C- now
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
A fainting goat could at least knick you with its horns when it's knees lock and it falls over.
disculpa mi tulpa
"A new hero was needed, and found: a time machine!"
gellaho
The president gives Denny a promotion
disculpa mi tulpa
ah yes, sorry old chap
wot wot and all, stiff upper caste
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
If you have social mobility you already missed the point of a caste system, you fucker!
FancyShark
This is like learning your ombudsman started a new cereal
Velo
He earned it by eating shit so hard
On international tv
In front of everyone
Especially when he cried
gellaho
Denny goes back to the Octagon, where he gets another promotion
gellaho
Velo
Denny sucks so much
gellaho
Which Denny finds suspicious
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
There should be riots when upper class people have to make eye contact with him!
Velo
But he earned it so much !
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
I mean did you see how he heroically tripped on that root and then tripped again?!
gellaho
This isn't suspicious at all
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Flawless. Graceful. Masculine.
"Also we hate you, cant trust you, and you won because the other guy declined to split you up the middle and nobody stabbed you while you were lying unconsious after tripping on those roots."
gellaho
The lid of suspicion
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
"No offense, but I dont know why youd think wed need your help at all."
Velo
"Is this because of how much I pissed myself while crying on international tv?"
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Denny...........like what do you think YOURE going to do if the fucking feds cant?
Also didnt you go to an anarchist meeting with Bette Middler or whatever? What is even your character arc?
gellaho
That blank paper was a treasured personal belonging
disculpa mi tulpa
I'm starting to think he's just here to be a comic foil to his neighbor, Mr. Wilson.
FancyShark
Mini-Auto-Apartment sounds like something two or three steps below "studio"
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
So hes.....upset because he doesnt get to be James Bond anymore?
gellaho
Come on ride the Tarquin Superbus
FancyShark
Denny, you did nothing. You won a tournament by sheer dumb idiot luck.
disculpa mi tulpa
so now he time travels in order to lose so he can fight on!
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
You got the taste for blood, huh, Denny?
Nothing will do now but to start a fight club for academics.
gellaho
There would be no wrench
gellaho
He's wearing whiteface? That's fucked up
gellaho
Quit whining
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Yeah dingus, implying that if she found it needful she would break it, so keep your fuckin tongue civil and your hands to yourself.
disculpa mi tulpa
normally professors get trained for these things
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
hey Standish this scene isn't about you anymore
gellaho
The way she broke my arm was so hot
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Classic mistake, you never put your hands on someone without consent unless you are ready to kill them.
This guy will never make it as an assistant.
gellaho
I'm pretty sure you're the one with a "projection of excited energy," Denny
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
"Now im with The Department."
"Big difference."
gellaho
Denny seems more broken up about it than she is
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
OBVIOUSLY FOR SECRET REASONS! Or they think shes a lesbian.
I saw episodes of Mind Hunter, I know how feds work.
gellaho
Probably because she's parading around and shouting about her anti-government and treasonous activities
gellaho
I'm not sure it's "underground" if you can use the word "blatant"
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Naw couldnt be that.
gellaho
Moue
gellaho
Consarn it, why am I turning into an old prospector?
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Denny just morphing into a Gabby Hayes character in front of her.
Meanwhile im asking my cat "GOOOOOOOOOOOD why does any of this matterrrrrrrrrr?!"
She doesnt know, she wasnt paying attention.
disculpa mi tulpa
don't worry kitty, paying attention wouldn't help
gellaho
Speaking of making a funny, let me tell you how Zero died
FancyShark
"He died offscreen like a coward after admitting my dick was bigger"
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
"He got like.....super stabbed. Six times. By a dude with a much shorter blade...........seems weird that it would have happened."
"Also weird is how emotionally invested I got in that guy, and we didnt even like........hang out or anything."
Mack sure wants us to remember Zero is dead.
gellaho
"You'd fit right in!"
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
"Youre a white middle class effete intellectual with a grandiose notion of your own abilities. Youre perfect to lead the revolution!"
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"you're a highly specialised academic who has fallen ass-backwards into fame, wealth and power. The common man will really connect with you."
gellaho
The state has their finger deep in the technocrat pie
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
"You have two achievements of note, being born and bumblefucking your way into failing upward thru gladiator combat. Youre perfect."
Velo
"Everyone in this room is an idiot, Dennis. An idiot and a failure, Dennis." She said, staring at him unblinkingly
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
And this is why its important to donate to the Internet Archive and make sure that politicians and judges, especially those on the Supreme Court, have a Very Nice Time.
gellaho
What the revolution needs is books
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Hahahhahaha shes gonna send him to check them out some books and hes going to come back a radical Maoist.
disculpa mi tulpa
read like your future depends on it son
gellaho
Definitely needed that sentence twice in a row
disculpa mi tulpa
well the first one was just preliminary
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
I did not reckon on the third act of this book being the main character researching anarchist theory because the proletariat are somehow not nerdy enough to figure out revolution on their own.
gellaho
Dennis goes straight to setting up a cell system
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Nice.
I love a good decentralized cell system.
GDC's Quivering Thews
He's going to write the People's Book Report.
gellaho
The leaders will commit suicide if captured.
Bette flushed
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Hell yeah Mack.
GDC's Quivering Thews
Wait she was shitting this whole time?
gellaho
So that discussion goes on for a while
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
You know how it is, you dont always wanna stop talking to your girlfriend but have to shit.
Or she does.
Just continue talking, its fine.
gellaho
And you need to picture her wearing genie shoes this whole time
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
hahahahah rad.
gellaho
Sexy mayhem
disculpa mi tulpa
well he wasn't wrong
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Easy, all you have to do is write books about REVOLUTIONARY sex and mayhem.
"Quickly comrade, we must make love before its time to hurl grenades at the capitalist federal agents!"
gellaho
Illicit mimeograph equipment
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Hell yeah, liberating the Peoples Office Supplies and Printer\Copy Machine
gellaho
TIME GLADIATOR: Why is no one reading our pamphlets?
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Put some tits on that pamphlet.
gellaho
Mauser shows up to Denny at the bar to tell him the government doesn't even care about his attempted revolution
Velo
"You almost died by tripping. You are not a threat."
gellaho
That goes on for a while
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
YET. They dont care YET. Because you havent done anything besides give people your shitty zines.
gellaho
And don't worry, of course Hitler shows up again. Can't have a Book Cage without Ol' Adolf
FancyShark
Remember when this book was about...
wait, what was this about
FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning
Gladiation?