120: Time Gladiator Mack Reynolds

gellaho

At any rate, Denny is surprised in his apartment and Denny pretends to ride a horse in response

FancyShark

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Seabiscuit

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Lol good ol Horse Stance.

gellaho

Karate horse

FancyShark

Man, Karate Horse would have been a great story

You don't need to tell us Denny isn't a threat, Mack. We've read this far

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

"Dude, i slipped your landlord a 20 for a spare key, chill out."

"Also you leave your door unlocked, and your windows open."

FancyShark

"And you let me in"

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

"And theres a fucking pie and a pile of mescaline on your coffee table where you can see it thru the window."

gellaho

Yuri then gives a complete summary of the Russian Revolution. That goes on for a while

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Cool.

FancyShark

lol

Mack, what are you even doing, man?

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Imagine if you wrote THAT book, Mack.

You could have done!

Id read a Mack Reynolds fictionalized account of the Russian Revolution.

FancyShark

Better spend a few pages examining the political implications of writing that

disculpa mi tulpa

jfc the book just turned into a Tucker Carlson interview

gellaho

"Let's start an unsuccessful revolution together, comrade"

disculpa mi tulpa

accurate description of Russian oligarchy though

FancyShark

You heard the entire history of the Russian Revolution and are just now figuring out it might mean something, Denny?

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Hell yeah you get a SECOND inbred nobility to overthrow, how lucky!

America still hasnt gotten thru inbreeding our first one.

FancyShark

I wish Yuri had explained to Denny how some towns elect dogs for mayors

disculpa mi tulpa

we're working on it though

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Ok, I just got here, and it looks like nothing has happened since Part 1?

gellaho

Forget the pamphlets, cable access!

FancyShark

Hi, @P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs ! You missed a battle royale! It took two pages!

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Mayor Checkers is an excellent administrator and a very good boy, I wont hear a word against him.

FancyShark

Otherwise, no, not missing anything

disculpa mi tulpa

he tripped his way into victory and then got sidelined.

so did the plot!

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

I speak of Telly-Tubbies, of course

gellaho

If we delivered this internationally wanted man, we might get access to a TV broadcast

FancyShark

Auguste "McGuffin" Bazaine

gellaho

TIME GLADIATOR

disculpa mi tulpa

Bette Yardborough is August Bazaine!

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

"threw his grenade" - dead, or a sex thing?

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

More of a conversational grenade so deffo a sex thing.

gellaho

Yuri is a great spy

FancyShark

Mack Reynolds thinks C-SPAN is more high octane than any Jason Statham movie

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

I mean if we get some more young guys with piss and vinegar in there we might get some brawls again.

gellaho

Yuri trying to get somebody stabbed

FancyShark

I'd watch

Bette, just kill them. You could have a better story

gellaho

I'm pretty sure Denny's been drinking for twelve hours straight at this point

Velo

Denny realized how awful he is and he's just trying to cope

gellaho

I can't believe that the highly suspicious people were a part of this

FancyShark

Felt that someone had realized something

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

rolling my eyes so hard at this.

FancyShark

For a guy who crams as much writing into a story as Reynolds does, you'd think he'd bother with exposition

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Just hurry up and knock yourself out on like a table corner or something Denny and speed things along.

FancyShark

Blackouts are the "Skip Cutscene" of this book

gellaho

Denny didn't realize the yacht they were using in Spain disappeared

FancyShark

"I have a boat?"

Odd choice to put the guy in a mental institution instead of, you know, killing him and taking his research

Velo

Well what if you need him later for plot reasons

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

lol I gess JFK got that speedhole punched in him early before he could shut down asylums in this world.

disculpa mi tulpa

Anti anti anti anti missiles are radically different then other kinds

gellaho

That's a lot of Daniels

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Oh good, not first level

They are gonna mall ninja the shit out of that mental hospital

gellaho

What about not carrying metal?

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

"Also we have to be nude"

gellaho

Why'd you even bring them

FancyShark

lol

So when you're a safe distance from the asylum, you can shoot back

disculpa mi tulpa

I hope they remember which tree

gellaho

I guess the guard's guns don't count

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

"HIIIIIIII YAAAAAAAA"

FancyShark

For god's sake, Mack. Stop describing the stance in full if you're going to name it each time

gellaho

Guards ate spinach in anticipation of the fight

disculpa mi tulpa

These karate descriptions are just cut and paste from how to books

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

"no"

FancyShark

I love how Mack thinks the clavicle is the off button on a human being

gellaho

I feel like if you can open a lock with a plastic hairpin, it's not a very good lock

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

I love that in the future its still just Karate and not called anything else.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

I guess they dropped the sub-school bs

FancyShark

Yuri knows the layout. Allegedly.

That's good enough, right?

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

I'd have thought by now theyd have at least invented Electromagnetic Karate or something.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Or it's just the smurf of martial arts

gellaho

Uh, oh they're trapped

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Just do a really good kiai and hit the handle and use dim mak to knock the key out and then grab it with a coat hanger, duuuuuuuh.

disculpa mi tulpa

if it's not karate, it's judo. no other options.

gellaho

gasp

disculpa mi tulpa

oh no, cursed betrayal!

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Not the one woman!

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Oh shit, its that guy that we totally knew was going to be a problem because he knew about all the other things!

gellaho

They ready themselves to karate bullets

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Like I cannot stress enough how easily the feds could have known about this plan.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

But it was a karate plan!

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

um, excuse me, but how far away are you? Surviving Edged Weapons assured me that knife and running beat gun at less than 20 feet.

gellaho

Very astute, Denny

FancyShark

Wait, the Zenkutso-dachi? What does that involve?

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Its the one where you put your knees together, and spring like a majestic panther that has to pee really bad.

Maybe.,

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

"It's Japanese for 'Your mother's a whore'"

gellaho

That is how that works

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

related old saying: when you make a plan with 2 idiots, 3 idiots just made a plan

FancyShark

So only have three people plan a revolution. Got it.

gellaho

No, a "frined"

gellaho

Editing is hard

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Thats kind of a weird thing to say in a country that had a successful mass uprising, Yuri.

gellaho

But was it Victorian?

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Cheryl cant catch spelling errors from the kitchen, shes busy making sure the meatloaf isnt dry, shes only got two hands.

gellaho

Hi, Zoltan

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Comfortably Victorian is code for covered in soot and has syphilis.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Don't say it out loud!

disculpa mi tulpa

I assumed it was about laudanum and inspired comfortably numb

gellaho

Denny isn't feeling it

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Goddam did these nerds manage to conceal their revolution from ANYONE?!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I think this makes you the traitor, Denny

gellaho

What indeed

disculpa mi tulpa

haha we were all revolutioning against ourselves!

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

"I was the double agent the whole time!"

gellaho

Huh?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

lol

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

"Surpise! I cultivated Hodgeson and Mauser as triple agents all along!"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

they did a revolution and nobody noticed

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Denny's getting dangerously MAGA-y

FancyShark

"We did away with the caste system but we didn't tell anyone. As a prank."

disculpa mi tulpa

is this the damn time travel?

Velo

"We committed to the bit, Denny."

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

"Nobody knows what's going on, NOBODY"

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

"We decided to go back to monarchy, just to see if we liked it. Technically Seymour Gatling is King Gatling III."

gellaho

You get a revolution, and you get a revolution! And you get a revolution!

gellaho

FancyShark

"So of course you understand why we had a bunch of people kill each other in a gladiator fight"

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

OHHHHHHHHH the deep state did it. Okay.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Are they all rebelling?

gellaho

We call this the reverse Rex Moran

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

"Top operators"

Velo

"The knife fight was for plan… Seven. Yes I think that was plan seven."

gellaho

For funzies, apparently

Velo

"I'm going to be honest Denny. We have lost track of our many, many schemes."

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

It doesnt make sense to us either Denny so you are for once, not the idiot here.

FancyShark

Agreed, Denny. Agreed.

disculpa mi tulpa

yep

best line in the whole book

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"Sit down, Denny. I'm going to tell you everything," Dumbledore said.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

All of the elements of a cool book are here, but they are Hardy Boys'd up

Velo

Don't you go comparing this to the Hardy Boys

gellaho

Figureheads everywhere

disculpa mi tulpa

nah I thought it was the deep state globalist lizard people

Velo

"The caste system was part of plan… hold on I have it in my notes here… plan twenty three, for preservation of native albacore populations. That can't be right. Shit."

FancyShark

Denny is a cowardly, ineffective history professor whose LARP buddies all died on international television. Why the living fuck would you think he'd notice this was going on?

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Is it a revolution if it's quiet?

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

"Well yeah that was kind of why I thought everything sucked ass and everyone was stuck not getting the good mescaline!"

Velo

"All I want is better drugs. Please shit up."

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

"So if everything is copacetic now and the Uppers are politically not in charge, WHY AM I NOT HIGH ON MESCALTRANQ RIGHT NOW?!"

FancyShark

If the Illuminati did all of this as a massive prank on Denny, I am Secret Government all the way

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

don't fix that typo

Velo

"Shutting up is part of plan 42, which is a long scheme to reduce light pollution."

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

"Its because we are Republicans and we are cancelling all welfare. Get a job, hippy."

Velo

"Plan 43, unfortunately, is your doom, Denny."

gellaho

Ezykleen

FancyShark

Then Ralph Nader steps out of the shadows. "Not so fast, gentlemen."

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"90% of all labour is automated? Sounds like you need to automate yourself some bootstraps, buddy."

Velo

"But you will see so many stars by then, Denny, and you will eat delicious albacore."

disculpa mi tulpa

this revolution feels overwhelmingly like the status quo

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

no trust me bro we totally revolutioned

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

That's deep, bro

gellaho

It's a lot of slob talk here

FancyShark

Bitch, anyone will live like a slob if you let them. That's not a social status thing!

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

"Man's destiny - piss off, Bette"

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

huh its almost like Denny is talking to a couple of fascists.

FancyShark

The entire point of being rich is so you can be a slob but someone still cleans up the mess

Velo

"We were keeping track of all this on a nice big cork board, Denny, but unfortunately, well, I'm not here to point fingers but it was Bette who knocked it over. And I'll be honest Denny, all the pins came out. Every single one. We have eight hundred and seventy mixed up note cards of schemes, Denny."

gellaho

Hey, look, it's the original title

disculpa mi tulpa

oh fuck. now we have to have a counter-revolution. and a counter-counter revolution revolution. That's why they need the anti anti-missile missiles

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"also we never found all the pins so watch your step. For the glory of the revolution."

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

And some Cards Against Humanity cards got in the mix somehow

gellaho

FancyShark

oh goddammit

disculpa mi tulpa

ah analog, yeah this was probably serial

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Oh well, that explains a lot.

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

"nice"

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Whatever, karate chop these two fucking class traitors to fucking DEATH, Yuri!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

that's where it ends?

Velo

"This is all part of our scheme, Denny. I am seventy five percent sure that is correct."

gellaho

Astronauts: The Catalyst of the Revolution

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh haha I thought it just ended mid conversation

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

Scientists as heroes? Never gonna work

disculpa mi tulpa

rat done bit my agent Bette, but whitey's on the moon

FancyShark

Because a society that frothes at the mouth for bloodsport will naturally pivot to cheering people collecting moon rocks

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

ok just combine the nasa technicians with the arena and reboot robot wars

people will love that

gellaho

Sweet Commissars doesn't have the same ring to it

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

or battlebots, whichever

P.Boart vs Knockoff Xenomorphs

That's a punk band, right?

FancyShark

lol

gellaho

Space for Everyone!

FancyShark

They got kids hooked on mescaline as a fad

disculpa mi tulpa

nah it's a song by Falco

gellaho

Yes, what of Common Europe? And the Neuts?

FancyShark

Jesus Christ, Denny. KEEP UP

Velo

"Launching everyone into space is plan- does this even say launching? This could say 'lunch spaghetti'. God damn it Bette, you've destroyed so much."

disculpa mi tulpa

always good to have the action happen elsewhere to other people and just have the protagonist ask about it

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

"Oh Denny, Common Europe hasnt mattered geopolitically since Brexit."

gellaho

And that's when their second in command just waltzes in

FancyShark

"Look, you used yarn and let that stupid cat get in here. This isn't all on me."

Hi, guy!

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

"Hon hon hon, I am zee Gaulle, come to welcome you with mah baguettes and my thin cigarrettes and my three mistresses, hon hon hon."

gellaho

And you're not going to believe this

But, that is, in fact, somehow the end

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

wouldn't bette yardborough already be in their ranks

FancyShark

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

hahahahaha everything is great then, I guess?

disculpa mi tulpa

hahahahahaha

FancyShark

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Velo

"Don't you talk about Mr Whiskers like that, Bette, he is a vital part of plan thirty seven."

disculpa mi tulpa

the time travel was for us, for the time we spent with the book, uwu

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I'm not sure that was really a book

FancyShark

Fuck you, Reynolds. Fuck your entire book.

Velo

God damn it

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Mack has some real unresolved anger at the working class, I guess thats why he wrote this.

gellaho

As abrupt as The new AToms' Bombshell, where it ends with the baseball team making the semi-finals

Velo

This fucking book

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

that was like a person with an artificial brain

the spark of life has gone from this vessel

FancyShark

omigod, I forgot that one. And that it was him!

Rex Moran really was the one thing he did right

Velo

He doesn't know how to end books! He just stops writing them!

gellaho

We have defeated Time Gladiator

FancyShark

We did it!

disculpa mi tulpa

thanks for the time

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

(he doesn't really know much about the start or middle either)

FancyShark

Thanks, @gellaho ! And great job, everybody!

gellaho

Different author. That guy wrote one book, and no other books

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

there's often something redeemable in these book cage entries

but I found this one absolutel garbage

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Ill be honest I dont know how he could have ended this otherwise. Might as well just shrug and go "Answered all the questions, right?" and fuck off to eat Cheryls meatloaf.

gellaho

So concludes the 120th Edition of The Book Cage

FancyShark

lol, I can't imagine why. But I did genuinely forget the baseball one just stopped

FlippantSausages Daddy Lightning

Cackling madly about the title swap tho.

Velo

I don't know, I got real attached to the "conspiracy that has lost track of its own conspiracy" bit

FancyShark

It was fun

But like all good things

Velo

Thank you @gellaho for what this was

Is this not the year of pain?

FancyShark

Year of Pain was last year

Velo

Yeah

It's just

You know

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I thought this was considerably more painful than most of the year of pain