5: Jagged Steele J.D. Masters (Simon Hawke)

#4 Steele

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Nuclear Extortion!

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gellaho: Prepare thyselves for Jagged Steele, coming up soon
sensitive New Age jakesy: Let’s fucking go
Science God Q Alchemy: I am gagging
sensitive New Age jakesy: Also your photoshops have been getting better, this is your finest work yet
Brockway: wonderful, powerful, apocalyptic
Alpha Scientist Javo: the best part is that its a hardy boys casefiles book
Literary Chimera, Porn Mercenary: There is literally no Steele face that doesn't look amazing in and out of context. It's like Abraham Lincoln; impossible to truly encapsulate and appreciate in any medium beyond its natural state.
gellaho: Ignore that I just left Nic Cage's name there
Literary Chimera, Porn Mercenary: I will not. For I am now head-canoning that Nic Cage's mania is the result of temporarily being Warged into by Steele, permanently damaging his mind. He's like Hodor, only with screaming and over-acting.
sensitive New Age jakesy: Yeah I like to pretend that Steele is just taking on Nic Cage’s mantle of psychotic reading energy; Like Reading Rainbow but the rainbow is an acid flashback
gellaho: Here's your preview
sensitive New Age jakesy: He’s going to “pull the plug” on America!; - shakedownville; For you see, his name is Cord
sensitive New Age jakesy: Also glad the apocalypse didn’t take out GPS or missile guidance systems; Nor did it take out the rocket fuel facilities; This was really not a great apocalypse IMO
Ferroday, ScapeApe: Idk other than the cannibals, rape , and psychotic cyborgs it appears to have worked out for the characters
Science God Q Alchemy: The virus super apocalypse is a pointless detail that should have been culled
gellaho: They still have air travel and TV
Science God Q Alchemy: Any editor should look at this garbage and tell him no; You did a bad job; Do it again; Better this time
sensitive New Age jakesy: It’s the implications behind the things they still have that kill it for me. Like to have air travel you need advanced refining capabilities to create jet fuel, drilling to get the oil, advanced infrastructure to maintain air traffic control networks , etc; There was never an apocalypse if all of these things still exist
Science God Q Alchemy: That virus should have knocked them back to the stone age basically
sensitive New Age jakesy: Like didn’t the US and Russia nuke each other too as part of the backstory?
Science God Q Alchemy: Yes
gellaho: It would be one thing if he mentioned this stuff just in the first book and then never mentioned it again, but he repeats it over and over again
Science God Q Alchemy: There should be just bands of people desperately trying to survive.; This should be some earth abides shit
sensitive New Age jakesy: I read up on gellaho dot com about what areas of the US were nuked and it’s hilarious; Like Russia would aim for Wyoming instead of New York City
gellaho: it's where the nukes are apparently
Science God Q Alchemy: I mean, feels like dc would be the primary target
sensitive New Age jakesy: The thought process was to nuke our nukes? Like some kind of double nuke
gellaho: Oh, DC got obliterated
Science God Q Alchemy: Wait, they still have like, Congress and shit though
gellaho: It's in the UN building in New York; So either there were no members of government in DC or they somehow had special elections; it's not like he wouldn't have thought this through
Science God Q Alchemy: Yeah, my point was they should all be dead
gellaho: Speaking of which, Jagged Steele begins like all great stories do: in a senate budgetary meeting
Science God Q Alchemy: Were there just enough politicians in their home states campaigning to keep things going?
gellaho: Who knows; But, they still use money and have to budget
sensitive New Age jakesy: It’s not like resources are just free, you still have to give paper to people for them apparently
Science God Q Alchemy: I feel the road would be happening instead
sensitive New Age jakesy: How else can people buy all those airline tickets
gellaho: So, he's around 80% of the way towards getting his own backstory correct
gellaho: Except that he forgot nobody knows what's going on in California and Florida is a semi-independent haven for pirates; I can't fully parse this to actually know which countries didn't get nuked
gellaho: But it looks like Japan didn't get nuked this time
gellaho: Literally the next page; He's got the memory of a gold fish
Science God Q Alchemy: Yeah this should be the story of how a dude named steele struggles to get a full allotment of calories in a ruined wasteland
sensitive New Age jakesy: I think it’s safe to assume that if you’ve made it this far into the Steele series, you’ve got the gist of the fake apocalypse down
gellaho: If I knew anything about the geography of New York, I might find this interesting; At the end, the peppers win and those coastal elites get scared and hide
gellaho: At the end, the peppers win and those coastal elites get scared and hide
gellaho: He really just skips over societal structures still working
gellaho: "Yeah, people go to fucking work and vote and shit"; Riveting
gellaho: So, I'm skipping over the rest of it because it's boring. Basically, Higgins (the director of Project Download/Steele) tries to argue that Stalker (the murderous cyborg from the last book) wasn't that big of a deal; And then the budget gets cut anyway; Now, who's ready to get horny
gellaho: He's really trying to make it seem plausible that this virginal woman would fuck the first man around due to a scientific discovery
gellaho: Yeah, this got really horny really fast
gellaho: Is this supposed to be sexy?
sensitive New Age jakesy: Hahaha; Sexy sexy cow shit
gellaho: Why is this happening
sensitive New Age jakesy: How many virgin red headed scientists are we at now?; There have been several
gellaho: The first one was blonde I think, this is the same one from the last book; I guess I get a history lesson now
Djonin Foxman: Why does he say Peking and not Beijing?; When’s the last time someone called it Peking?
gellaho: I have no idea
Djonin Foxman: Peking became Beijing in 1949
gellaho: Somebody might need to research this
Djonin Foxman: The PRC established the pinyin as the standard
gellaho: Norman Spinrad is a real science fiction writer; But I don't know if this is a fake story; I know it didn't actually happen, but this is such a weird left turn
Djonin Foxman: I’m looking into it.; He wrote void captains tale, which I’ve actually heard of
sensitive New Age jakesy: I’m actually shocked masters hasn’t called anyone an oriental yet
gellaho: He was just talking about the real Warren Air Force Base and then all of a sudden he's going on about subway trains with nukes
Djonin Foxman: Please tell me when this book came out; I want a ballpark for my Omni deep dive
gellaho: June 1990
Djonin Foxman: Oh.; Alright I’ve found some 80s pdfs
gellaho: Ok, he is going into some fucking detail about nuclear launch systems
Djonin Foxman: Holy fuck I might have found it
gellaho: Can't explain the fucking economy or society, but launch sites and trains :thumbsup:
gellaho: weird
Djonin Foxman: Never mind I found Norman’s opinion piece on Florida
gellaho: We have our first movie reference, just wedged in here
gellaho: Coooobraaaaa!
Djonin Foxman: Only archives for Norman’s satire from Omni seems to be a script for a short about people living in fantasy simulations.
Dr Skin, the dandy: How long in the past is the apocalypse meant to have been?
Djonin Foxman: It’s so weirdly specific a call out that I can’t doubt it’s real and matters a hell of a lot to this author.
Dr Skin, the dandy: Are these a bunch of Delta force curmudgeons?; There are cannibal tunnel people in New York.
gellaho: The apocalypse happened in the late '90s. I think it's only a couple of decades
Djonin Foxman: Man; The late 90s was a shitty time for the world to end.
Dr Skin, the dandy: Before the Matrix, which is how I date the 21st century.
gellaho: Yeah, looks like JD really wanted to steal ideas from a children's toy cartoon; In addition to Robocop, Terminator, and like a dozen other things
Djonin Foxman: Jesus fuck; Learn how to use a semicolon please
Dr Skin, the dandy: Dark forest green. Sexy black epaulettes.; Trim little moustaches.
Djonin Foxman: Like a sexy Ghurka
Dr Skin, the dandy: They're all sexy.
gellaho: First mention of ninjas; it won't be the last
Dr Skin, the dandy: Wait; Some of those who failed to measure up knew they were part of something special? What.
gellaho: I guess I missed the first part of that sentence from the previous page
Djonin Foxman: Praetorians, Immortals, ninjas
Dr Skin, the dandy: Maybe they made it onto the B team.
Djonin Foxman: Name three soldier dudes that sixteen year old me thought were super cool
gellaho: Their training program, organized by Cord himself, was rigorous enough to kill some of those who failed to measure up; So I don't think there was a B team
Dr Skin, the dandy: Thank you.; I hate him a little less than I just did.
Dr Skin, the dandy: It's like if you crossed the Spetznaz with the SAS!
gellaho: This Tracy dude is so dead
sensitive New Age jakesy: Get a load of this dick, Tracy
Djonin Foxman: Jesus, this prose makes me feel better about my yiff-writing
gellaho: Tracy is there to supervise the COBRA troops; I'm pretty sure they are going to kill him; I wanna point out, JD Master's spent 5 pages explaining how nuclear launch systems worked and the history of the base for no reason
Djonin Foxman: “These were super cool dudes with karate training. In fact, they were the karate masters, and no one could tell them when to go to bed. They were like Vikings, or the noble IRA lad”
gellaho: It's like he thought I wouldn't believe that soldiers could go there and use the nukes; But thinks I will believe in a functioning economy and voting in a post-apocalypse
Djonin Foxman: Actually, not to imply anything white supremacist-y, but this prose is actually reminding me of the Turner Diaries; The guy who wrote the Turner diaries was an engineer, so he’d spend three pages explaining how a place’s water pressure pipes worked and spend like a sentence on a sex scene.
gellaho
gellaho: He spent 20 pages in the first book describing a news broadcast that ended up not mattering at all; I think he's just bad at writing
Djonin Foxman: “Snaky Cobras, huh? G-you get it?”; “Fuck off”
gellaho: He introduced four gangs through that broadcast, 2 of which have never appeared
sensitive New Age jakesy: Feed me Borodini. I need more Borodini
Old Man Brendan: wait wait wait are we Steele-ing?
gellaho: I'm on page 33, I haven't gotten a whiff of any character I know
Djonin Foxman: Yes.; I’m learning about the cobra force
Old Man Brendan: :SteeleYourself:
Djonin Foxman: Who are like the Sacred Band, or the Unmarried Zulu Brigade; In terms of their legendary power
Old Man Brendan: Deep Punic cut, I like it.
Dr Skin, the dandy: I :hearts: PEACEMAKER
gellaho: Little on the nose
sensitive New Age jakesy: So far all you’ve missed is a detailed explanation of the nuclear missile systems in post-apocalyptic America, and also how congress works
Djonin Foxman: Why are they in my college dorm’s public room?
Dr Skin, the dandy: Fucking 30 year old VHS, all screwed up and shit. " Who taped over fucking Naked Gun! That was the world's last copy asshole!"
Old Man Brendan: ...so did America fall like a week after that film came out?
gellaho: I guess this is the reference book
Djonin Foxman: “There was a pizza box full of three quarters of a perfectly good pizza - stil warm and yet unattended”
Old Man Brendan: Man, he is laying down so much rich foreshadowing.
Dr Skin, the dandy: Someone is manufacturing soda
Djonin Foxman: “An iPod dock with a chipped charging mount played white noise”
gellaho: This is shit leftover from before the apocalypse
Old Man Brendan: I made soda last month. It....didn't go well.
Djonin Foxman: “Meanwhile, a chick from the squad down the road lay passed out on the couch”
gellaho: there are spooky skelingtons
sensitive New Age jakesy: Yeah you guys soda has like a 8 month shelf life even with preservatives
Old Man Brendan: After that it's just an aluminum drinkable vitamin.
Djonin Foxman: Yep
Dr Skin, the dandy: In the land of tunnel cannibals, the man with a soda stream is King
Djonin Foxman: We Fallout now
gellaho
Old Man Brendan: I'll be making ginger bugs and fighting off CHUDs, how is my life any different?
Greg Danang Danar Dono: Enough world building we want Steele
gellaho: I don't really need all this backstory, you could have just told me a crazy general got hold of some nukes
Old Man Brendan: Steele is the one who shot them before he got Bloodshotted.
Djonin Foxman: Why were there straps for those chairs
Dr Skin, the dandy: Sgt. Tracy is a bit of a pussy.
gellaho: And this fucking Tracy deadmeat
sensitive New Age jakesy: I do appreciate that soda and photo paper last forever in this universe
Djonin Foxman: It’s like “buckle your seatbelts, we’re using a computer terminal”
Greg Danang Danar Dono: Such an original plot line needs a lot of set-up for the audience to follow
Dr Skin, the dandy: I love those yellowed pages. Makes me nostalgic; Is this going to be like the Rock?
gellaho: MEANWHILE
Djonin Foxman: I’m going to ask my boss if I can instal a racing harness seatbelt for the camera monitoring station.
gellaho: Literally the next sentence; For those of you who don't know, Raven is a former child prostitute and Steele's love interest
Djonin Foxman: Fucking; Does everyone in fiction just resent security?; Then again, that’s like half the teams I work with; Statement retracted.; This profession attracts chuds.
gellaho: JD might resent more than just that
Dr Skin, the dandy: Jesus.
Djonin Foxman: Fuck
Dr Skin, the dandy: So many issues with his ex wife.
Djonin Foxman: Way to make the security guys look good. At least they’re honest
Dr Skin, the dandy: This fucking whore raven, who still walks like a Whore...
Djonin Foxman: They just think she’s hot, they’re not writing incel think pieces
gellaho: #strongfemalecharacter
Djonin Foxman: Fuck
Old Man Brendan: All sexy women are whores, got it.
Djonin Foxman: Thanks 1990
gellaho: The hits just keep coming; I'll mention that Steele is 43
Dr Skin, the dandy: I think JD masters based raven on a crush who to this day, never looked up at him.
sensitive New Age jakesy: Lol
Djonin Foxman: I want to see this writer use this train of gait-analysis to explain Steven Seagal running.
sensitive New Age jakesy: “She knew them titties were trash”; Typical things women think about
Old Man Brendan: All 22 year olds look 18 to people older than them.
Djonin Foxman: This is true.
Dr Skin, the dandy: She was shaped like a female capcom fighter, but not a child. This important.
gellaho: There he is; In a robe and everything
Djonin Foxman: Haha his name is fucking Donovan?
sensitive New Age jakesy: Woooooooooooo!
Old Man Brendan: "Seagal, codename Cobra Force X, knew running didn't look natural to him. But he didn't give a FUCK. He had a sexy gorilla torso, and the angry ponytail to sweeten it."
Dr Skin, the dandy: Would Gibson have been quite recent?
Greg Danang Danar Dono: But as close to a child as she could be. This was important
Old Man Brendan: There is something about book names.
Djonin Foxman: Gibson wrote in the 80s
gellaho: Topical
Djonin Foxman: Holy shit he’s reading Johnny Mnemonic; He’s reading Johnny fucking Mnemonic
Dr Skin, the dandy: This is so funny.; Let's see what he thinks Gibson got wrong.
Djonin Foxman: Not Neuromancer
gellaho
Djonin Foxman: He’s reading Mona Lisa Overdrive
sensitive New Age jakesy: My universal theory of “cyberpunk 2077 just stole the story from Steele” is all coming together nicely
Djonin Foxman: Strange young man? Gibson based his writing off getting fucked up in the 60s
gellaho: 0 to horny real fast
Djonin Foxman: He was in his late 30s early 40s when he wrote Cyberpunk
Old Man Brendan: All Keanu Reeves products are the sum of 2+ previous Keanu Reeves projects
sensitive New Age jakesy: Has to really make sure we all know that Steele could kill her at any time
Old Man Brendan: But he loves her so much he DOESN'T!
sensitive New Age jakesy: She has to bang him now, because of the implication
Greg Danang Danar Dono: Glad we are about to get the Steele penis talk
gellaho: Fuck yeah, laser arm
Old Man Brendan: I hate when the sex-kitten half my age runs around commando but it only feels 90% good because I am an actual commando.
Greg Danang Danar Dono: He's only been on screen for two pages so it's about time to verify his situation down there
Old Man Brendan: His penis, which was also powered by a carbon dioxide laser...
gellaho: Holy hell
Djonin Foxman: Man, getting finger-blasted with a gun arm is one of my sexual fantasies but this writer isn’t great at making it sexy.
gellaho: This is so fucking horny
Djonin Foxman: “He had sexy cyborg control over his nutt”
sensitive New Age jakesy: Hahahahaha
gellaho: Had to mention his human dick, of course
Djonin Foxman: “He could edge with the force of a backhoe”
Dr Skin, the dandy: He turned his sensors up, but disabled "premature ejaculation cookies"
Greg Danang Danar Dono: This is necessary
gellaho: HE STILL HAS A FLESH PENIS, THEREFORE MAN
sensitive New Age jakesy: Ugh she was so hot any gamma males would have been one pump chumps
Old Man Brendan: "Steele's brain came rivers while he flexed his kegel muscles like OOH so nyleen-strong."
Dr Skin, the dandy: Tantric cyborgasm
gellaho: Is this supposed to be a joke?
Djonin Foxman: Steele is weak. His dick is still organic. If William Gibson wrote this, you can bet he’d have like, a cyber chain-cock with OxyContin semen
Old Man Brendan: "Raven's mesh-silk vagina, the result of several reconstructive surgeries to make her a virgin again for his pleasure, pulsed pleasantly and released a geranium perfume."
sensitive New Age jakesy: Hahahaha three and a half hours later!
Djonin Foxman: Three and a half hours? Jesus Christ; I have things to do
gellaho: Jesus Louisus
Old Man Brendan: It's possible, but...she will need that Nyleen vagina if they're not taking breaks.
Djonin Foxman: I’m not excited at the idea of boning a LoTR extended cut into a chick; “Now excuse me I need to ice my clit”
Dr Skin, the dandy: Steele's weak pulverised flesh cock leaked blood into his lap.
Old Man Brendan: sorry, nySTEEL
sensitive New Age jakesy: The next scene is just Raven waddling over to the ice bath where she now resides
Dr Skin, the dandy: Oxycontin semen is just a superpower I would consider. I want to be loved.
Djonin Foxman: Look, it’s only 3.5 hours because he lost his erection halfway through and had to take some pills and psyche himself up
Old Man Brendan: ...I feel like you are/all dating very different women than I have.
gellaho: Seems like there might be some chafing on his human penis
sensitive New Age jakesy: 15 minutes of sex interspersed between 3 hours of cursing at his weak, flaccid human penis
gellaho: I forgot they wiped Steele's brain
Djonin Foxman: Furry sci fi and fucked up William Gibson shit have ruined me for sci fi eroticism. Straight sci fi writers make such boring choices
gellaho: but it seems like he's going to abandon that immediately
Djonin Foxman: Come on, when you’re a cyborg you can start getting creative; Play Trials in Tainted space for ten minutes and you’ll realize how much thirsty shit this tech would actually open up.
Greg Danang Danar Dono: Didn't he talk to his ex-wife in the last book? Did they mind wipe him?
Djonin Foxman: Oh god now we’re ripping off Robocop
Old Man Brendan: Trusting Steele's college-age girlfriend with his backstory before sending him into a tantric orgy was bad PsyOps.
gellaho: Yes, he was a little distraught after his daughter was raped and murdered so the CIA made him forget about it
Djonin Foxman: What
gellaho: Did the tone of this make you think there hasn't been a lot of rape?
Djonin Foxman: But having massive amounts of trauma is what brings people into being a Fed
Old Man Brendan: They wanted a KILLBOT not a CRYBORG.
Djonin Foxman: Jesus; Is that a line
gellaho: no
sensitive New Age jakesy: It is now
Djonin Foxman: This book would say that and then have the character ask if they thought it was a good joke.
gellaho: JD doesn't have that level of skill
sensitive New Age jakesy: Headcanon for sure; Yeah Brendan is 10x the writer that Masters is, and that’s still an insult
Old Man Brendan: Yet accurate!
gellaho: "We didn't wipe your whole brain, just your family!"; Why are you upset?
Djonin Foxman: “I got a book to pitch! What if Robocop fucked teenagers?”
Old Man Brendan: The thing with altered states is they're always relative to the now.
gellaho: Hey, only the bad guys have sex with underaged girls; And their own sons
Dr Skin, the dandy: Brendan you hack you are only ten times the writer of this book.
gellaho: More importantly, Steele can produce saliva for kissin'
Djonin Foxman: Let’s traumatize the Steely Dan
gellaho: I'm pretty sure Steele's entire head is robot, so I don't really understand how he can produce saliva but he can
Dr Skin, the dandy: I think you guys should write Steele fanfiction.
Tommyg13: This prose is so purple, it’s got bruises
Old Man Brendan: This prose is so purple, it's a female character in itself.
sensitive New Age jakesy: The “Masters” (- shakedownville) of Steele selectively choosing which memories he keeps is the most interesting part of this book
gellaho: You haven't earned that comparison; Btw we're back with the deadmeat
Djonin Foxman: I’d write shitty Steele self insert fiction making fun of the writing, but that would be indistinguishable from just bad writing
Dr Skin, the dandy: No, the joke would have to be that anyone can write incrementally better fiction, whilst still cranking out a terrible Steele novel.; Just a consistent 10% better.
Tommyg13: He actually read this and said, “yeah, this is good!”
gellaho
Dr Skin, the dandy: I think he regrets having his daughter character go through all that and doesn't want to address it.
sensitive New Age jakesy: Foreeeeeeeeeeshadowwwwwwwinnnng
Old Man Brendan: I wrote a column about pitching bad books once, and in dude's defense, it was 10x more incomprehensible than the fake bad books inside it, so...what I'm saying is I'm ready for my nysteel upgrades to increase comedy while selectively deleting MAMMARIES. He chuckled at his unintentional pun about misogyny in writing.; "G-get it?"
Dr Skin, the dandy: Don't forget about that black trim.
Tommyg13: The Optimus Prime-Princess Leia scene Brockway wrote about was better than this
Old Man Brendan: The black banding is how you know these snakes...are POISON.
gellaho: This Tracy dude is so dead
Dr Skin, the dandy: You know the author drew this cobra uniform
sensitive New Age jakesy: The best writers usually have major plot points explained by characters who you’ve never seen before running into the scene and screaming them at you
Old Man Brendan: first comic con I ever had a table at the dude next to me got a CBG who asked him to draw a Cobra HISS tank raping Storm. :frowning:
Science God Q Alchemy: Man I had to run some errands and it looks like I missed so much Steele
gellaho: That is basically what happened, yeah; Then Tracy had a long think about whether or not to stop a coup; Then climbed a fence
Djonin Foxman: I need to write a shitty parody chapter
Tommyg13: @Old Man Brendan That’s just squicky; @Djonin Foxman Your parody will be better than the original
Old Man Brendan: The squickest! He looked exactly like you're picturing but more chef Boyardee stains on his sweater.
Dr Skin, the dandy: Wait what's the Cobra MO, cos I'm saying just nuke the fucking place.
gellaho: Higgins has ties with the crazy general guy apparently
Dr Skin, the dandy: Like, haha I will nuke this fucking nuked virus ridden wasteland.
Tommyg13: @Old Man Brendan a lovely image to be sure; Sheesh.
gellaho: I will now only refer to the villain as "Skeet"
Dr Skin, the dandy: What does Cord want
Tommyg13: Skeet, skeet, skeet ala Dave Chapelle
gellaho: Cord wants to rule the country I guess; even though there isn't a functional government; and no people
Old Man Brendan: There's always a Skeet or a Deke.; He's usually the asshole who tells everyone to stay frosty.
Dr Skin, the dandy: But he would have to maintain control by always pointing a nuclear missile at his own seat of government.
sensitive New Age jakesy: Flanked by Lieutenant Fan and Corporal End Table
gellaho: There he is
sensitive New Age jakesy: Oh sorry I thought we were naming characters after things we see in front of us as we write; Ohhhhhh shit
Old Man Brendan: Maybe he's doing the Trump strategy of ruining an area then seizing the real estate he wanted once it's worthless.
Tommyg13: How did Skeet outflank them while being pinned down by automatic fire?
sensitive New Age jakesy: Ice Ice baby; :ice_cube:
Old Man Brendan: ICE IS HERE
Dr Skin, the dandy: He only knows one strategy to introduce the character who needs no introduction; His great big black arms waved hello
gellaho: JD is horny for Ice
Tommyg13: 24 inch pythons, brother!
Old Man Brendan: "what did he look like?"; "BLACK! T-t-tall...officer, definitely 200 lbs. Women fucking loved him, I'll tell you that."; "Did he have lats like angels' wings?"
Science God Q Alchemy: Gid jd masters is obsessed with ices lats
Dr Skin, the dandy: Motherfucking ICE, with his lats like...ah dammit.
Tommyg13: Flaring lats. And flaring nostrils.
Dr Skin, the dandy: Do lats flare?; Where does ice get his growth hormones?
gellaho: A black man that reads? Now I've heard everything; Nobody take that out of context
sensitive New Age jakesy: Lol his first line is “this be a surprise”
Tommyg13: @gellaho Boooo. Booo.; Like the scene in the boondocks with the exorcism
sensitive New Age jakesy: If there’s one thing masters knows, it’s how to write dialogue
gellaho: Good lord
Dr Skin, the dandy: Oof.; John Coffey.
Djonin Foxman: I’m sorry is he intentionally talking like what his portrait would say in an RTS game when you click him?
gellaho: Po-lice
Djonin Foxman: He sounds like the fucking Marauders from Starcraft
Tommyg13: He’s really well read, boss.
gellaho: They also let Victor Borodini go, so you really didn't get a crack at him Ice
Dr Skin, the dandy: This is actually getting worse.
sensitive New Age jakesy: Hell yeah, let’s get to Borodini
Dr Skin, the dandy: "I think I pass"
Djonin Foxman: Like this is horrible but also I’m really growing attached to Mr Cool Ice
Science God Q Alchemy: I think the books he picks for ice are the kind if books a stupid person thinks a smart person would read
Tommyg13: Po-lice??
gellaho: yes
Dr Skin, the dandy: "You a kind man Mr H, a huh ahuh ahuh"
sensitive New Age jakesy: Yeah Ice is the only actual good character even if his dialogue was written by a chud
Science God Q Alchemy: I think simon hawke exclusively reads pulp science fiction
Old Man Brendan: Everybody loves Ice because he's the only character who slices through everyone else's bullshit.
Djonin Foxman: “You read Dostoevsky? That cat was mad somber.”
gellaho: He's like not even using verbs in some of these sentences
Dr Skin, the dandy: We don't know about his past
gellaho: Also, "That's mighty white of you"
Djonin Foxman: Oh shit Ice is a reoccurring guy?
Tommyg13: That’s mighty white of you? Hoo brother
Old Man Brendan: All the other characters are out here making things dumb and noisy, but Ice just wastes everyone who's in the way of the plot.
gellaho: indeed
Dr Skin, the dandy: He's the only non suspected rapist in 8 books.; So he glows by comparison.
gellaho: The former leader of the Skull (black) gang
Djonin Foxman: Okay, my self insert fic needs to involve high fiving Ice
Science God Q Alchemy: Ice rules
gellaho: He was pushed out by Victor Borodini and vowed revenge
Old Man Brendan: He's got his own stuff going on, he doesn't go in for all the perv computers and rape syndicates.
Science God Q Alchemy: By all rights he should be the hero
gellaho: which he didn't get
Tommyg13: @Dr Skin, the dandy Holy cow, eight books of this?
Greg Danang Danar Dono: We have a ways to go
Dr Skin, the dandy: I think so.; @gellaho ?
gellaho: Yes; The last one has a lady robot ninja
Greg Danang Danar Dono: I can't wait to see the character development over 8 books
sensitive New Age jakesy: Yeah I think this is book 4 of 8
Dr Skin, the dandy: I think I missed where they wiped his memory. It's midnight here.
sensitive New Age jakesy: I’m not against us crowdsourcing a 9th book in this discord; Everyone signs up for a chapter
Djonin Foxman: Oh fuck.
Tommyg13: @Dr Skin, the dandy Hi. Where is here?
gellaho: Here's the description of Skeet
Dr Skin, the dandy: Let's crowdsource the graphic novel.
Old Man Brendan: This series could be the next My Dad Wrote a Porno.
gellaho: It was at the very end of the last book
Science God Q Alchemy: God he is so obsessed with how jacked all these dudes are; And tall
Dr Skin, the dandy: UK, West Yorkshire
gellaho: He only alluded to it, but I guess they went through with it
Djonin Foxman: I could write bad erotica if Chimera’s rates are too high.
Science God Q Alchemy: Does simon hawke have some issues with his own masculinity?
Tommyg13: @Dr Skin, the dandy Ta.
gellaho: "@Science God Q Alchemy Flaring lats are a clue"; Yes
Djonin Foxman: Honestly this isn’t as bad as Ben Shapiro’s bear-of-a-man characters.
Old Man Brendan: He could have just said the general was Tom Selleck and called it a day.
Djonin Foxman: Ben Shapiro writes just sentence after sentence about muscle daddies
Science God Q Alchemy: Erotica? In this economy? You think anyon can afford that?
Dr Skin, the dandy: 5" 8, lesser character I guess.
sensitive New Age jakesy: I’m guessing that Masters is under 6 feet tall and he hates that; It eats at him
Old Man Brendan: No, villain. Definitely the traitor in disguise.
Greg Danang Danar Dono: This is the second time we've been given Ice's chest measurements
Dr Skin, the dandy: He's 5"11 I bet.
Old Man Brendan: The people DESERVE TO KNOW if Ice is getting enough maintenance protein
Dr Skin, the dandy: Why couldn't ice have a big fat belly.
Old Man Brendan: That's his cousin Sno-Kone
Dr Skin, the dandy: Like, why flared lats and a trim waist?
Djonin Foxman: He writes like a 5’10” guy who was measured at 5’11” once and refuses to acknowledge it was probably a mistake
Tommyg13: @Dr Skin, the dandy 24” pythons, brother!
Old Man Brendan: Muscle-ups.
Science God Q Alchemy: Simon hawke looks like he works out in his pics, is/ was he a body builder?
Greg Danang Danar Dono: His first appearance
gellaho: This Tracy guy is great at escaping undetected
Greg Danang Danar Dono: Just the same description almost word for word
gellaho: I hate to quibble, but that's from the second book
Science God Q Alchemy: I mean, that would make him somewhat human not godlike and huge
Tommyg13: That’s twice he mentioned the voice of doom
Old Man Brendan: He's obsessessed with power and purity, so...probably?
Dr Skin, the dandy: Oh, his obviously black voice.
gellaho: In his introduction, he was described as having an "unmistakably black voice"
Dr Skin, the dandy: Sorry that was it.
Tommyg13: @Dr Skin, the dandy I’m surprised the hack hasn’t mentioned Ice’s big big balls.
Djonin Foxman: “He had the voice you heard in your head when you read a Luke Cage comic”
Dr Skin, the dandy: "did you just hear a Chinese guy with shit lats?"
Old Man Brendan: one is reminded of George Carlin's "openly Black" bit.
Science God Q Alchemy: Bodybuilders and fascist overlap venn diagram
Old Man Brendan: Ugh, I used to know a guy on Millarworld...truth.; They both LOVE Earth X Captain America.
Tommyg13: @Science God Q Alchemy Regretfully
gellaho: He met with Steele in secret, but Victor Borodini found out. Then Steele got destroyed by Borodini's gang, which is how he became a robot. Ice escaped unscathed because he's the best
Science God Q Alchemy: Like I know some not terrible bodybuilder dudes but like, it's a problem
Dr Skin, the dandy: Ice probably just pulled his way up a fire escape or something. With a wide grip.
Old Man Brendan: Powerlifters are the sweetest dudes (and a lot of olympic-style lifters are women). Bodybuilders...hey. Good luck with your life.
Tommyg13: @Old Man Brendan That’s true from what I heard.
Djonin Foxman: Who do we cast to play Ice in the movie?
gellaho: You know what, maybe Tracy can make it
Dr Skin, the dandy: Women who Olympic lift caused me a total mind schism about where strength lies and what it looks like.
Tommyg13: @Djonin Foxman Too bad Michael Clark Duncan is dead
Science God Q Alchemy: Dwayne the rock johnson is the only man big enough but he's not the best choice otherwise
Old Man Brendan: Hey, a HUD.
Djonin Foxman: I was gonna say
Dr Skin, the dandy: what is Tracy blowing up and why is he throwing up
gellaho: In case you were wondering what that backpack is, cops and soldiers get missile backpacks that are fired with computers
Djonin Foxman: Michael Clarke Duncan is in my mind here.
Science God Q Alchemy: I'd love to hear the rock talk jive written by a white weirdo
gellaho: It was used once at the very beginning of the first book during a training exercise and never again
Tommyg13: @Dr Skin, the dandy Oh, NOW we’re bringing logic into this?
Djonin Foxman: Watch WWE
Science God Q Alchemy: A good thing for cops to have access to
gellaho: He blew up the soldiers chasing him from the base
Djonin Foxman: Oh man please tell me there’s a Mexican guy, I want to see that phonetic accent.
Dr Skin, the dandy: Oh, you don't know about "Chang"
Tommyg13: @Djonin Foxman Ten bucks he’d sound like Razor Ramon
Djonin Foxman: Jesus, the name “Chang” says enough.; Sounds like he has shit lats
Dr Skin, the dandy: It does.
gellaho: Oh, I guess he made it to a phone
Old Man Brendan: Razor Ramon was so racist we were horrified by it as 11-year-olds at the actual time.
Science God Q Alchemy: Chang is what you name your chinese character when you're a dipshit; 2
Dr Skin, the dandy: What was the Hispanic gang called again.
Old Man Brendan: The SoHo one?
sensitive New Age jakesy: I think he wrote this book in a PF Changs
Tommyg13: @Old Man Brendan Wrestling is soooo very pc lol
gellaho: The Chingos
sensitive New Age jakesy: Using my unified theory of masters naming shit after things he can see around him
Tommyg13: @gellaho Get out of here
Djonin Foxman: “Where you is” Ice asked blackly over the comms
Dr Skin, the dandy: The Chingos. Oh god. Yes. That is correct.
gellaho: Skulls, Chingos, Green Dragons, The Brood
Science God Q Alchemy: That still sounds like a slur to me
gellaho: Black, Mexican, Chinese, Bikers; [7:05 PM]; The four races
Science God Q Alchemy: The four ethnicities
Old Man Brendan: Yeah, I remember that Marvel crossover.
Tommyg13: @gellaho Is this guy secretly L. Ron Hubbard?
Dr Skin, the dandy: And...Peacemaker.
Djonin Foxman: ... like, not what you think, the Chingos are named for their love of the bar game Chingona
Science God Q Alchemy: You know 40% of gang members are white?; @Tommyg13; @gellaho Is this guy secretly L. Ron Hubbard?
gellaho: He's secretly Simon Hawke
sensitive New Age jakesy: In other words, 60% are not white
Science God Q Alchemy: Like I think that would not change in the future right?
Dr Skin, the dandy: Not in the Green Dragons baby.
Tommyg13: @gellaho I’d be ashamed to let people know that.
Djonin Foxman: The black gang is called the Skulls?
Science God Q Alchemy: Youd think there's be higher rates of white dudes considering how badly everything shit the bed in this world
Tommyg13: @Dr Skin, the dandy Not the Jade Dragons? I’m disappointed
sensitive New Age jakesy: Maybe they all died in the fake apocalypse?
Science God Q Alchemy: Why define gangs on racial lines in a ruined earth?
Djonin Foxman: That’s a very white gang name unless we’re going for a Live And Let Die-tier West Indies sterotype
Science God Q Alchemy: Like race no longer matters after the nuclear apocalypse I feel
Dr Skin, the dandy: The world was annihilated except for what the author imagined a new York ghetto was.
Djonin Foxman: So this is the Maze Runner
Tommyg13: @Science God Q Alchemy Yeah, you’d think there’d be more important priorities
Science God Q Alchemy: The only white gang is the Italian gang, and even then depends on how you define white
Tommyg13: This is getting aggressively bad, guys
sensitive New Age jakesy: You ain’t seen nothing yet
Dr Skin, the dandy: Italian count?
gellaho: You know nothing, young one
Djonin Foxman: Oh Jesus the Italian gang is called the Gabbagoul isn’t it; And they all have pressed suits
Dr Skin, the dandy: The Cosa Spaghetti monster
Tommyg13: @gellaho Thus young Palawan is willing to learn. Lol :joy:
gellaho: It's the Borodini Enclave, and it was a conglomeration of the Green Dragons, the Chingos, and the Skulls
Old Man Brendan: In fairness, weren't the Chingos one of those multicultural '80s gangs?
gellaho: it kind of doesn't exist anymore
Science God Q Alchemy: To some, not to others
Djonin Foxman: And they got names like Johnny the beak
sensitive New Age jakesy: “I make-a da pasta and then shoot-a your face!” Said Borodini
Science God Q Alchemy: Almost like race is kind of bullshit a little bit
Old Man Brendan: Fargo S4 is really good.
Tommyg13: @Djonin Foxman this is becoming a bad family guy skit
Djonin Foxman: I fucking remember seeing an interview with a gangster who confirmed italian organized crime nicknames were all dumb.; He knew a guy called Eggs cause he liked eggs.
Old Man Brendan: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rkMshhyIpiA; YouTube; RagingLoon; Rush Limbaugh's Fight Scene on Family Guy (the "Excellence in Broad...
Tommyg13: @sensitive New Age jakesy Hey, I’m Italian...and pretty accurate I must say, for this hack.
Dr Skin, the dandy: Tony two fingers and Fat Sammy Delalio
Tommyg13: @Old Man Brendan Ugh, that guy.
Science God Q Alchemy: I love when family guy has just a random 5 minute fight scene just to pad run time; It's just the best
Tommyg13: And Johnny Two times, Johnny two times
gellaho: OK, so Higgins is trying to get the computer program with a copy of Steele's brain to fuse with Steele's memories
Science God Q Alchemy: I am super interested in like, organized crime and the sociological shit going on there. It's fascinating
gellaho: I'm not really clear on why
Science God Q Alchemy: Have we been clear on why any thing happens in these books
Tommyg13: The matrix? Is Keanu going to be here?
sensitive New Age jakesy: Oh shit I forgot that Steeles rogue AI is floating around the internet somewhere now
gellaho: I guess they're trying to capture it from the phone lines; before it gets to his brain?
Dr Skin, the dandy: Just a fucking Dickless algorithm
Tommyg13: @sensitive New Age jakesy Ahh, he’d get lost in a Reddit AMA
Science God Q Alchemy: Every steele book feels like a rough draft, but what if simon hawke works hard on these?
sensitive New Age jakesy: Ah right, this is the AOL internet data
Science God Q Alchemy: Like weeks spent just writing and rewriting; That would make me so sad if it was the case
Tommyg13: @sensitive New Age jakesy make sure you have a cd :cd:; @Science God Q Alchemy you have a kind heart
Dr Skin, the dandy: He definitely did.
gellaho: All the copy seems to want to do is show Higgins and Stone's sex tape
Tommyg13: It truly is the internet
Dr Skin, the dandy: The Steele AI has been holding revenge porn since the last book.
sensitive New Age jakesy: God dam AI decides to go with revenge porn as its tactic
Dr Skin, the dandy: What a weak ass use of its time.
gellaho: I guess Steele got his memories back
Science God Q Alchemy: Ha owned
Djonin Foxman: Okay what exactly is Steele’s job
gellaho: cop
Tommyg13: They’re still using CRTs in the future?
gellaho: I sure am glad Steele's memories got wiped
Djonin Foxman: I assumed he was some secret agent or whatever Naked Snake was.; He’s just a cop?
gellaho: CIA agent too
Science God Q Alchemy: Cyborg murderer
Dr Skin, the dandy: The author doesn't know.
Science God Q Alchemy: He murders people they need murdered
Dr Skin, the dandy: He's a Robocop, CIA agent.
sensitive New Age jakesy: Psjhhh. “Just” a cop? More like the best god dam cop this town has ever seen
Science God Q Alchemy: He also murders... Pussy
Djonin Foxman: Like where does he go when he’s not needed? Does he have a barracks or a shitty apartment
Science God Q Alchemy: He has an apartment
Djonin Foxman: I couldn’t tell from the sex scene if that was a Dorm or an office
Greg Danang Danar Dono: Didn't internet Steele pull the "show sex tape" card in the last book?
Dr Skin, the dandy: Wherever there's a 16 year old looking twenty year old.
Science God Q Alchemy: He bangs his underage girlfriend in it; Wait that's right she only looks underage
Dr Skin, the dandy: She's not underage. Very important
Djonin Foxman: She’s actually a dragon.; And 400
Science God Q Alchemy: Whenever I think about steele and raven next to each other my mind conjures an image of elon musk and grimes
gellaho: It's all he knows
Science God Q Alchemy: When all you have is a hammer
Dr Skin, the dandy: He's trying to blackmail them, into doing it again.
gellaho: Post-apocalyptic street reporters, reporting on nukes to the CIA; That classic story
Science God Q Alchemy: I think steele honestly just thought everyone should see it, it was some really good fucking
Old Man Brendan: Man, Steele's AI really wrecked chain of command by showing that old dork shooting out of his solar system.
Science God Q Alchemy: I mean, fallout had a reporter so I'll give it a pass; She fucking kept turning down my proposals
Dr Skin, the dandy: Linda Tellerman needs to be described.
Old Man Brendan: Tracy is working SO HARD to tell everyone and make them believe him.
Old Man Brendan: Are her breasts non-embarrassingly large, or is she all lats?
Science God Q Alchemy: Both?
Djonin Foxman: How black is her voice
Science God Q Alchemy: I the ideal woman
Dr Skin, the dandy: She was a tough street reporter, who was super horny when she got a 'scoop'
Old Man Brendan: What kind of sex work was she forced into before she was a reporter?
gellaho: I guess Higgins is Skeet, not the crazy general
sensitive New Age jakesy: Her body was 20 but her breasts felt 18. She titted boobily across the foyer and her nipples were rock hard at the sight of Steele
Science God Q Alchemy: A super original character archetype that has never appeared in fiction before
gellaho: Oh, also the crazy general just decided to tell the director of the CIA his whole plan
Dr Skin, the dandy: Her legs went from here to "awoooo"; She read books, like the Iliad.
Djonin Foxman: So I’ve noticed characters in this book read whatever the fuck the author was fascinated by within a week of writing.
Old Man Brendan: "Ice was 'street' but he really enjoyed a laugh at The Pickwick Papers"
Djonin Foxman: So my fan fiction is going to have my self insert enter the room reading off a CRT tablet computer and saying “you fucking read this Brockway article Steele? He wrote a bunch of hamburger jokes, it’s a riot”
Dr Skin, the dandy: Strong start. Give me a Nuke Silo and I'll be pretty fucking candid about the situation too.
gellaho: There's also a crazy amount of lip-moistening and lip-biting
Old Man Brendan: "Look, I don't want my nuclear terrorism to ruin our friendship."
Dr Skin, the dandy: Raven was reading Jung, in one of Steele's manly white shirts except her cunt was out.
sensitive New Age jakesy: The chapstick factories were the first to go when the bombs fell
Old Man Brendan: "We served in the Biowars together before Steele became more machine than man."
Djonin Foxman: Ice thumbed through a Garfield anthology with a stern, unamused Nubian glare.
Science God Q Alchemy: See I don't think the characters are reading stuff hawke reads
Dr Skin, the dandy: The author doesn't know what emotions people are expressing so everyone just licks their lips, then kills someone.
Old Man Brendan: That's so anima.
Science God Q Alchemy: I think hawke exclusively reads pulp paperbacks and star trek fanfiction where they're all fucking shredded
gellaho: I haven't checked the next page yet, bets on whether or not the dick gets mentioned?
Science God Q Alchemy: I bet it is
sensitive New Age jakesy: He actually wrote a bunch of Star Trek novelizations so that tracks
Old Man Brendan: "I guess I'll have to start calling you 'Muscles,' Hank old friend," quipped Kirk, his cordlike forearms trembling with power.
Science God Q Alchemy: How shredded are the characters in them?
gellaho: If you guessed fucking immediately, congrats
Tommyg13: I’ll buy that for a dollar.; @sensitive New Age jakesy I’m glad I don’t read those.
sensitive New Age jakesy: I have not either, luckily
Science God Q Alchemy: Ha, hawke is so fascinated by the human dick
Tommyg13: Oh, good grief.
Old Man Brendan: Wait, so Steele was just a lower torso and some arms way over there, glued to a nysteel Dethlok?
gellaho: well, who isn't?
Old Man Brendan: ALL THAT'S LEFT OF STEELE IS HIS DICK
Dr Skin, the dandy: He says his torso is organic, then lists like twenty ways it's not.
sensitive New Age jakesy: And his balls, full of future potential offspring
Science God Q Alchemy: The dick of a dead man hanging limply from the pelvis of a horrible technological homunculus is a pretty interesting subject matter
sensitive New Age jakesy: So virile
Old Man Brendan: This is the weirdest Animorphs novel ever.
Science God Q Alchemy: Interesting in a disturbing way
Tommyg13: @Science God Q Alchemy Ugh, I could have gone the rest of my life without that image
Dr Skin, the dandy: If anyone asks why I'm in here.
Old Man Brendan: Ex Machina 2: The Machines Fuck Back
gellaho: I think Steele and internet Steele computer-fucked
Science God Q Alchemy: Yeah my thing is that steele is dead, and the main character is a machine brain with composite memories of steele and some other dudes
Science God Q Alchemy: Hot
Old Man Brendan: Brief = 3.5 hours
Tommyg13: If it can’t express grief, why is it suffering?
Old Man Brendan: Steele is just Rape Savior Complex Swamp Thing.
Dr Skin, the dandy: This is the most irritating thing the author has written.
Tommyg13: @Old Man Brendan Without the pathos or John Constantine
Old Man Brendan: It's a very gothic existential despair.; Ice is his Constantine.
gellaho: 8 rows of ribbons
Tommyg13: This is Alex Kurtzman level hackery here
gellaho: He's already got the comical dictator look down
sensitive New Age jakesy: The ribbon factory was not hit by the nukes
Old Man Brendan: For distinguished valor in CHUD combat.
Tommyg13: The ribbons shielded him from the blast
Dr Skin, the dandy: I'm not sure what the author is trying to do with this. Has Cord made any demands or what?
gellaho
Old Man Brendan: One vote for TimeWars after this.
Dr Skin, the dandy: I want Shakespeare's mysteries
sensitive New Age jakesy: We still have 50% of the world’s Steele books to get through
gellaho: I have some TimeWars, but I have a strict date with Psi-Man
Dr Skin, the dandy: "Cord, what do you fucking want?"
Tommyg13: Who’s Higgins? Tom Selleck’s guy Friday?
Old Man Brendan: But when they're gone, they are GONE
sensitive New Age jakesy: I have no idea how they’re going to stretch this out for 4 more novels
Dr Skin, the dandy: Psi man cover art is my drugs.
sensitive New Age jakesy: The premise is already razor thin
Dr Skin, the dandy: Neither did the author
Old Man Brendan: Higgins directs Operation Downlod and sensually rails his employees on his desk.
Tommyg13: @sensitive New Age jakesy obsessing over lats and moistening lips will fill up space
Science God Q Alchemy: I mean, I'm surprised the premise lasted this long
Old Man Brendan: Stalker will come back.
gellaho: Uh, oh
Old Man Brendan: I want Ice to get a nemesis.; [7:36 PM]; Besides Borodini.; [7:36 PM]; A chance to...
Tommyg13: @Old Man Brendan Stalker will be back in Steele 2, the moistened lats
Dr Skin, the dandy: I want to know how the author feels about Japan.
sensitive New Age jakesy: Ah shit; [7:37 PM]; They’re going to make; [7:37 PM]; America
Old Man Brendan: RACIST
gellaho: The brink of oblivion?
Tommyg13: @sensitive New Age jakesy is that Jesus and a dinosaur in your avatar?
gellaho: 75% of the world's population died, buddy. You're already there; @Tommyg13; @sensitive New Age jakesy is that Jesus and a dinosaur in your avatar?
sensitive New Age jakesy: It is macho man Randy savage and Jesus on a t-shirt from Wish
Tommyg13: Brink? That’s an understatement; @Dr Skin, the dandy; I want to know how the author feels about Japan.
gellaho: I'm sure when the lady robot ninja shows up we'll find out
Tommyg13: Oh that is boss!
sensitive New Age jakesy: My only regret is not ordering the shirt; @gellaho; I'm sure when the lady robot ninja shows up we'll find out
Dr Skin, the dandy: It's going to be all ninjas, and Mr myagis with dignity.
Science God Q Alchemy: What's the bet that hawke owns at least one body pillow?
Tommyg13: @Dr Skin, the dandy Pat Morita was in a married with children episode with more dignity; @Science God Q Alchemy; What's the bet that hawke owns at least one body pillow?
Dr Skin, the dandy: He strikes me as too old world
Old Man Brendan: Hawke is the Krieger of pulp novelists
gellaho: This is a long ass speech, but seating the capital in Wyoming is a sure-fire way to ensure revolution
Tommyg13: Well, we ticked off the whore box, racist box, moron box...what’s left?
Dr Skin, the dandy: Are they not already under martial law, with the zombies and stuff?
gellaho: So far no rape, so that's been pleasant; 1
Tommyg13: Who died and made him boss...oh...right....
Dr Skin, the dandy: The author was working through some dark stuff before.
Old Man Brendan: Dick Cheney started two wars we couldn't lose and still thought he had to use nukes in both of them, I can see WY becoming a power seat.
sensitive New Age jakesy: Yeah like how does this change the lives of the people trying to survive in the wasteland
Science God Q Alchemy: I mean, what the fuck is even happening in the world of steele?
Tommyg13: @sensitive New Age jakesy All 20 of them
sensitive New Age jakesy: Like cool man you’re the boss now, excuse me while I fight this bear for my next meal
Dr Skin, the dandy: Whatever Cord, you're in charge. Now, WHAT DO YO WANT?
Tommyg13: The fake president in Fallout 3 was a better leader
gellaho: I don't know how this speech makes any sense in the context of the setting; [7:42 PM]; it's also gone on for pages
Tommyg13: Oh blah blah blah.; [7:43 PM]; It’s a republic, you dummy
sensitive New Age jakesy: Imagine caring about the constitution after the apocalypse
Old Man Brendan: Like Caesar, but not.
Dr Skin, the dandy: They are voting for their own payrises. In bottle caps
Science God Q Alchemy: I love how the fascist general is the most sympathetic villain, real side eye shit
Old Man Brendan: A month ago I wouldn't say this tracked.
Tommyg13: Another author screed; @Dr Skin, the dandy Nuka Cola caps.
gellaho: JD thinking, "yes, I have written a great speech here. I better comment on it"
Science God Q Alchemy: 'timebto jerk myself off about how awesome I am"
Old Man Brendan: If it was meant to show Tyler's perceptive, cool. If it's meant to show Cord is talented, just let it ride, man.
Science God Q Alchemy: I'm guessing hawke is a right leaning libertarian based on these books, but I may be wrong
Dr Skin, the dandy: Do you think the author started a writing course a third of the way through book 3, and just started shoehorning and acknowledging concepts into it.
Science God Q Alchemy: But like, the politics on display are weird for a star trek fan right?
gellaho: You know what, just throw a prayer in there too
Old Man Brendan: Hawke predicted Trumpism and then embraced Trumpism.
gellaho: Why not
Science God Q Alchemy: This is buck wild; We learn more about hawke with each passing book
gellaho: This is the bad guy though
Tommyg13: They typed by instead of be.
Dr Skin, the dandy: "Nobody will fall for this"; Me, in 2016.
sensitive New Age jakesy: The classic Republican path
Dr Skin, the dandy: Fuck it's 1 am.
Tommyg13: @Dr Skin, the dandy I just noticed your avatar. Cool; @sensitive New Age jakesy art predicts life
Old Man Brendan: Don't you quit on us, England.
Science God Q Alchemy: It's the framing, he is portrayed sympathetically in motive and his motive is heavily explored. He also fixates on the medals and past heroism
gellaho: This is happening now
Old Man Brendan: This is your darkest hour.
Science God Q Alchemy: And he's as huge as the heroes
Tommyg13: What a nice post apocalypse
sensitive New Age jakesy: Yeah the global food supply chain really held up huh
Tommyg13: Bless his heart
Dr Skin, the dandy: Old movie posters lined the walls, like Goonies and Predator. You know, those ancient classics.
Tommyg13: Not to mention Caddyshack 2 and electric boogaloo
gellaho: I skipped some stuff. I think the Apocalypse Now reference was telling. I think he supposed to be a Colonel Kurtz type character
Dr Skin, the dandy: Can we find out how old the author was when he wrote this, this fucking ceaseless drivel.
sensitive New Age jakesy: The whores...the whooooeerrrrs!”
Tommyg13: @Dr Skin, the dandy chronologically or emotionally?
Dr Skin, the dandy: Jesus he watched the movie and just cranked out the whole book on speed didn't he. Stopping to masturbate.
gellaho: Why is this happening now
Dr Skin, the dandy: Chronologically, emotionally he is and was 15.
Tommyg13: Moistened lips. Take a shot
Dr Skin, the dandy: Moist. Lips.
Old Man Brendan: Okay, but why so much detail about Casablanca?
sensitive New Age jakesy: There’s no way JD Masters knows about Heart of Darkness I suppose
Dr Skin, the dandy: I think he has read.
Tommyg13: And this got published, you say
Old Man Brendan: I thought they already got divorced. Steele, you magnificent cad!
sensitive New Age jakesy: Donna...Kshir?
gellaho: This so far is just an excuse for him to be weird about women for no reason
Dr Skin, the dandy: Wait is Steele having a flashback
Tommyg13: @Old Man Brendan where would they find a divorce lawyer in the apocalypse
Science God Q Alchemy: It was a movie I bet he watches movies
gellaho: I don't know who Donna or this John fellow are
Tommyg13: Again with the whores.
Science God Q Alchemy: I bet hawke watches movies more than reads tbh
Tommyg13: @Science God Q Alchemy he moves his moistened lips to both
Dr Skin, the dandy: Isn't Donna his ex
Science God Q Alchemy: I mean, to be fair I watch a fuck ton of movies, but a novelist should read no?
gellaho: I have a feeling this is one of the other memories Steele has; Mostly because it involves the tragic death of children
Old Man Brendan: The rule of thumb in the Steele series is society works perfectly except where mutants and CHUDs show up.
Tommyg13: And he was banging Donna’s sister.; @Old Man Brendan Ah, convenient
Dr Skin, the dandy: Is the virus still a thing?; Maybe they should use more nukes.
Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD: it's like andrew clements said:; (paraphrasing) To be a writer, you first have to be a reader, and to be a good talker, you first have to be a listener.
gellaho: Yay, I win
Tommyg13: A dream flashback.; More moistening
Dr Skin, the dandy: A dream flashback of something that never happened; Fuckity I'm falling asleep #BOOKMARK
Science God Q Alchemy: Horrible technological homunculus
Old Man Brendan: Jonathan Steele?
Dr Skin, the dandy: With a grey flaccid penis
Science God Q Alchemy: Sweat is the first thing I'd get rid of as a cyborg
Tommyg13: With a human groin. Just the perfect target for his enemies
Old Man Brendan: If your wife calls you by your last name in serious discussion, the relationship is over.
Science God Q Alchemy: They already threw out his brain, what left does he have to lose?
gellaho: These are memories they had to complete Steele's brain with because he had brain damage
Old Man Brendan: Why is he Jonathan?; Ah
gellaho: It's like Jurassic Park, but even dumber; Not to say I don't like Jurassic Park, but the frog thing is dumb
Science God Q Alchemy: Maybe hawke forgot his name is donovan, that's also a possibility
Tommyg13: @gellaho Yeah, well science left the building in that movie ages ago, so why not?
Science God Q Alchemy: It's exciting reading a book where the writer forgetting his characters name is a distinct possibility
Old Man Brendan: Maybe they named him Donovan in tribute to his ex-wife.
Tommyg13: @Science God Q Alchemy continuity, it’s not a polite suggestion; @Old Man Brendan nah, too clever
gellaho: Anyway, Tracy is hiding out in a Denver strip club. So JD gets to be horny again
sensitive New Age jakesy: Glad to see the strip clubs have thrived
Science God Q Alchemy: I just
Tommyg13: Hey, nudies bars are eternal
Science God Q Alchemy: I give up trying to make sense of this apocalypse like fuck it it doesn't matter
gellaho
Science God Q Alchemy: Nothing matters anymore
Djonin Foxman: That brunette is fortunate to have enough food to be voluptuous
Old Man Brendan: The world's oldest profession is murderborg, and murderborgs must be kept happy with boobies.
The Bloodsucker Proxy: if there's no titty bars after the apocalypse then the survivors might as well just lay down and die
Tommyg13: He seems to look normal for a cyborg
Old Man Brendan: Hawke goes to strip clubs to write like most people do cafes.
sensitive New Age jakesy: I guarantee Masters just thinks that means “big titted”
Tommyg13: @sensitive New Age jakesy most likely
gellaho: OK, so this stripper is going to help out Tracy (who might as well be the protagonist at this point)
gellaho: He goes in the dressing room
gellaho: Then: magic
Science God Q Alchemy: Glad we discuss what her vagina smelled like; Crucial to know
Tommyg13: My bad. It’s Tracey, not Steele; Like it matters
gellaho: This is just pornography now
Djonin Foxman: Jesus
Science God Q Alchemy: I'm honestly disapointed he half assed it, it smelled sexy? Fuck you hawke
Old Man Brendan: They are definitely Bird Caging out of here.
Tommyg13: @Science God Q Alchemy yep, really moves the plot along
sensitive New Age jakesy: Lol
Djonin Foxman: I’ve read werewolf porn with sexier vagina sniffing.
sensitive New Age jakesy: Now that you’re trapped down here
Science God Q Alchemy: Ok, so hawke knows what cunnilingus is, at least in the abstract
Old Man Brendan: "If I'm gonna die, I want to die going down on a redhead."
Tommyg13: Nothing like a snack when the cops are coming
Science God Q Alchemy: I think we have to give him that much at least
gellaho: Seems legit
sensitive New Age jakesy: Yeah but he thinks it’s for wussy men who need to use strippers to hide them from strong army guys
gellaho: My brain is melting
Djonin Foxman: God this guy writes scenes like he’s writing a play by play of a shitty grindhouse film.
Tommyg13: Well, it’s not like they were pressed for time or anything like that
Old Man Brendan: Women have trouble finding sex partners and often accept the first fugitive to flee from the cops twixt their legs.
gellaho: Meanwhile: nukes
Tommyg13: @Djonin Foxman the expression on your avatar is fitting
Science God Q Alchemy: I feel like a genius deliberately trying to write the worst novel would still not be as bad as steele is on accident
Djonin Foxman: Good.
gellaho: Reminder: everyone sucks; Except Ice; Ice is eternal
Science God Q Alchemy: It's interesting to read a novel with no good guys
Tommyg13: Ice is eternal; You bet, boss.
Science God Q Alchemy: But the author isn't aware there's no good guys; That's the best part
Djonin Foxman: I’d argue that there’s plenty of Tom Clancy with no good guys if we count when the author is just too dumb to realize it.
Old Man Brendan: How does he figure on getting food?
gellaho: Steele's going in; New York to Wyoming in a post-apocalypse, easy peasy
gellaho: Details, details
Science God Q Alchemy: I actually like books with no good guy, but only if the author realizes there are no good guys
gellaho: Fuck, yes. Bring in Ice
Old Man Brendan: It's like how dumb movies are fun because they don't care, stupid movies are a slog because they don't know.
sensitive New Age jakesy: Yeah let’s just head over to la guardia, which was definitely NOT a strategic target for enemy nukes
gellaho: JD Masters is sitting on an Ice goldmine and he doesn't even know it
Tommyg13: @gellaho when was this written?
Old Man Brendan: Ice has a gang in WYOMING?
Djonin Foxman: 1990; Wyoming: famous for massive black gang members
sensitive New Age jakesy: New York to Cheyenne would be like a 4 hour flight lol
Science God Q Alchemy: Are there any black people in wyoming?
gellaho: All 8 books were written between 1989 and 1990. All released two months apart
Djonin Foxman: Maybe visiting Yellowstone on vacation
sensitive New Age jakesy: On a commercial jet with no payload
Science God Q Alchemy: Ok I guess he didn't work super hard on these
Tommyg13: @gellaho it clearly shows
Science God Q Alchemy: Which is good, my heart would break if this was the best someone could do
gellaho: The implication here is that the CIA is selling drugs to make ends meet
Science God Q Alchemy: As opposed to selling drugs for other reasons they do in real life
Tommyg13: @Science God Q Alchemy oh, details, details
Djonin Foxman: Wyoming’s population today is 1% black.
Science God Q Alchemy: So like, 12 people?
gellaho: In JDs mind, strippers and awesome cops read sci-fi and fantasy novels
Tommyg13: Nice to see books like that survived the apocalypse and weren’t used for kindling
Science God Q Alchemy: He wishes
Tommyg13: @gellaho Projection much
Djonin Foxman: “The strippers in the Backrooms smoked their cigarettes and talked about whether Kirk or Picard were the best captain.”
Tommyg13: @Djonin Foxman Stop writing better prose, bro. You’ll make Hawke feel so inadequate, he’ll start back in with the lats. Lol :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
gellaho: Grocery bags. That is all
Djonin Foxman: So I did the math and apparently only like 5,800 black people live in Wyoming. Not even joking.; Sorry for getting hung up on this but this is fascinating.
gellaho: Now, chop off 3/4 of that
Djonin Foxman: I had no idea Wyoming was so non-black.; The American native population is higher there.
Greg Danang Danar Dono: See she isn't just a stripper. She has a name and she does art. This is great character work
sensitive New Age jakesy: But of course obviously the sex worker lives in a trash house with no real furniture
Tommyg13: @gellaho Ah, supermarkets survived the apocalypse too.; @Djonin Foxman I met their black caucus. His name is Steve (shout out to The Daily Show with John Stewart)
sensitive New Age jakesy: Like god intended
Djonin Foxman: What percent of Americans died in the apocalypse?
Tommyg13: @sensitive New Age jakesy Being paid in Nuka Cola caps only goes so far
gellaho: OK, I kind of skimmed past this before. But Linda Tellerman isn't just a TV reporter, she's a national TV reporter
gellaho: 3/4 of all people died due to the virus and nukes; This book is the first one that gave an actual figure
Science God Q Alchemy: Makes sense to me, was settled by farmers when they where giving out parcels of land to settle, not a lot if black folks getting that as far as I recall
Djonin Foxman: Okay, so 1/4 of Wyoming is 147000
Greg Danang Danar Dono: Amazing that the national cable infrastructure survived the apocalypses
Science God Q Alchemy: Jesus, no one really does live in wyoming huh?
gellaho: Fuck, dude. Why not include this in the book?
sensitive New Age jakesy: That actually makes all of this even less realistic, if we lost that many people out of the work force, that alone would collapse all of our systems
Tommyg13: @Science God Q Alchemy they only have like one or two Congressmen
gellaho: I want Pawn Store rocket backpack store robbery
Djonin Foxman: If the entirety of Wyoming’s black population survived the apocalypse, they would move up to 4% of the population.
gellaho: show don't tell fuck-face
Science God Q Alchemy: I think if 3/4 of the population died it would not be a fun gritty seventies esque cyberpunk
Tommyg13: I’d like to see that in pawn stars
Science God Q Alchemy: It'd be the goddamn road
Tommyg13: @Science God Q Alchemy Heck, Thanos only wiped out half the population of earth and it was the freaking purge, if not for the capes
Science God Q Alchemy: There's a novel called earth abides where a virus wipes out I think, less of than than the virus in steele.
Djonin Foxman: We’re assuming this is some sort of Fallout vault scenario with Wyoming’s black population and oh my god I just had the best idea for a Mel Brooks movie
Science God Q Alchemy: It has no robots or gangsters in it
Tommyg13: @Djonin Foxman Blazing Saddles meets Fallout 3. Green light that sucker
gellaho: Oh, sure. Don't give me robbery action. But let's revisit the cunnilingus scheme
Science God Q Alchemy: I love how we always end up pitching better stories when we read steele; Garbage is good at getting the creative juices flowing
Tommyg13: @Science God Q Alchemy Because we’re not hacks
Djonin Foxman: Black Fallout would be a great double feature with Dick Wolf, Wolf Dick
Science God Q Alchemy: I am a hack, but I'm just less of one
gellaho: Speaking of juices
Science God Q Alchemy: cymbal tap
Djonin Foxman: SOMEONE GET JORDAN PEELE ON THE PHONE
Tommyg13: Ha ha ha...you suck
Science God Q Alchemy: Jordan peele won't answer my calls anymore
sensitive New Age jakesy: See I knew Masters was going to take that angle
Djonin Foxman: We gotta tell him to go for Key and Peele and not Oscar winning stuff.
sensitive New Age jakesy: “Look at this pussy who had to go down on a chick”
Djonin Foxman: We need inner-city Hogwarts Peele
Tommyg13: @sensitive New Age jakesy Stop it. You’ll make Hawke feel inadequate
gellaho: OK, they're going to get high and make chili I guess; Why the fuck not
Science God Q Alchemy: I want jordan peele to do blackula in the same style he did us and get out
Djonin Foxman: Haha what the fuck
Science God Q Alchemy: I love jordan peeled horror
Djonin Foxman: I did not expect bongs
Tommyg13: Hawke wishes he could rise to the level of Bluntman and Chronic
gellaho: NYC is going to get nuked, let's get fucking high, man
Science God Q Alchemy: Do you think hawke was high while writing these?
Tommyg13: I was gonna save nyc; But I got high
Djonin Foxman: I would like Call of Duty Black Ops more if Mason rolled a fat joint between war crimes.
Science God Q Alchemy: I think that might be more fun to read though
gellaho: I'm losing my mind
Djonin Foxman: But he didn’t do sober editing; That’s the most important step
Tommyg13: Ah, snowballing
gellaho: And, of course, horny town
Djonin Foxman: You can’t convince me this fuck read William Gibson. William Gibson wrote the fucking best getting high scenes in any book I’ve read.
Tommyg13: Hawt.
Djonin Foxman: I don’t even do drugs, but his dudes take pills and you get a contact high from the description.
sensitive New Age jakesy: Tracy does fuck a lot; Almost more than Steele these days
Djonin Foxman: What is this fucking IKEA furniture instructions-ass sex scene?; I’ve gotten better blowjobs on Neopets forums.
gellaho: This is the squarest description of bikers I've ever seen
Tommyg13: Like, rad, bro.
Science God Q Alchemy: I don't know if jd masters has ever had sex
Djonin Foxman: Thanks Professor
Tommyg13: It’s like square white guys explaining rap
Djonin Foxman: It is a decent history lesson; But like
Science God Q Alchemy: "wikipedia biker gang"
Djonin Foxman: Told in the most clinical way
gellaho: I think Masters just got really into movies during these two months
sensitive New Age jakesy: One percenter?; Did anybody say that back in 1990?
Tommyg13: @sensitive New Age jakesy I think it’s a Christian thing
Djonin Foxman: It was a biker term yeah
sensitive New Age jakesy: Ahhhh that makes sense
Djonin Foxman: What’s up with this Leonard Maltin review of biker movies
gellaho: This is what we call "woke" JD Masters; Woke JD Masters abuses parentheses
sensitive New Age jakesy: Like we got fuckin’ Bernie in the apocalypse here
Djonin Foxman: Stop; Making; Good; Movie; Ideas; Bernie of the Wasteland; It’s like Six String Samurai but with Bernie Sanders.
Tommyg13: Wait, bikers treated women poorly? The heck you say!
gellaho: "If you can read this, the bitch fell off," etc
Djonin Foxman: So one percenter in the like, 60s meant an asshole biker; Because bike clubs said “only one percent of bikers are assholes”; And the assholes went “fuck yeah!”; I’m paraphrasing
Tommyg13: Like the South Park episode with the bikers
gellaho: "Listen, I'm not racist. The bikers are racist"; Also, I don't care if it's the apocalypse. Bikers would rather walk then ride a crotch-rocket
Djonin Foxman: Jesus you hack, they call them Rice Rockets get your slurs right
Tommyg13: @Djonin Foxman you’re expecting research?
Djonin Foxman: I mean, he got one percenter right
gellaho: He also keeps referring to helicopters as "choppers" during this section
Science God Q Alchemy: Has steele fucked yet?
gellaho: it's really throwing me off
gellaho: Yes
gellaho: For 3 and a half hours
Djonin Foxman: Steele fucked for the duration of The Two Towers Extended cut
Science God Q Alchemy: I love how the title character is barely in these
Science God Q Alchemy: I call bullshit on him having a human dick then
sensitive New Age jakesy: Yeah this book seems to be developing the Tracy character
Tommyg13: @Science God Q Alchemy gotta world build
sensitive New Age jakesy: “Developing”
Science God Q Alchemy: They just told him it was a human dick and he believed them
gellaho: Masters has a real issue with names; So this character is named "Peacemaker"
Djonin Foxman: In better hands this biker gang would be awesome villains. Like, imagine them in a fallout game
gellaho: but a bunch of the missiles are called "peacekeeper" missiles; little confusing
Djonin Foxman: Their rank is visible by the bike quality
Tommyg13: I live on Long Island. Yeah, we got bikers here
Djonin Foxman: @Tommyg13 and Percocet
gellaho
Tommyg13: @Djonin Foxman oh, yeah. Trump city out here. Who hoo
gellaho: hocked a huge lunger; lunger?
Tommyg13: Loogey?; Peacemaker and Ice weigh the same.
sensitive New Age jakesy: Lol lunger; I love it; Stealing that for sure
Science God Q Alchemy: Wasn't peacemaker a different dude in the first book?
gellaho: The biker leader is named Snake
Tommyg13: That was Peacemaker Bib; This is peacemaker Steve
gellaho: The biker leader is named Snake; His name is Snake; Snake
Djonin Foxman: Weird; I thought he was dead
gellaho: He's an albino
Science God Q Alchemy: I hope steele yells snaaaake at some point
gellaho: An albino snake, ifyouknowwhatimean
Tommyg13: @gellaho because Albinos love the open road and the hot glaring sun; Ha!
sensitive New Age jakesy: Does he wear an eyepatch
sensitive New Age jakesy: Is he a one eyed snake
gellaho: Snake is going to be fighting Cobra; he's really thought this through; Really had to work for that alliance
sensitive New Age jakesy: Steele asked them do they want to join the war? Yes, they said. Moving on
Tommyg13: We’re working for the Man and we don’t work for nobody.; What; The; Heck?
Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD: it means they're saying that they don't wanna work for the man, because they don't work for nobody
Tommyg13: But they take the Man’s money.; What?; Who?; Why?; That hurt my brains
gellaho: I don't think JD/Simon knows what his politics are
gellaho: There Tracy goes, falling in love with the first woman to get him high and have sex with him
Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD: their dialect means that they're saying "if we took the man's money, it'd mean we worked for him, and we don't like that because we don't want to work for anyone"; it makes perfect sense; them falling in with steele anyway doesn't make sense, but that's :SteeleYourself: for you
Tommyg13: Can we go back to freaking Heathcliff. It made more sense.; @Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD thank you, dr. I needed a PhD to figure this mess out
Science God Q Alchemy: I think hawks politics are the same as joe rogan
gellaho: Dude seriously wants you to know that he's seen movies
Science God Q Alchemy: Just whatever he feels like at a given moment
Tommyg13: @Science God Q Alchemy That fits in well with Star Trek.; By referencing the Shining, he’s just reminding us we could be reading a better book
Science God Q Alchemy: I think a writer bragging about all the movies he's seen is not the flex he thinks it is; Especially because they're basic bitch ass movies literally everyone's seen
gellaho: I like that he name-drops Gibson but decided not to name-drop King
Tommyg13: It’s like someone who eats nothing but hot dogs saying he’s a food critic
gellaho: like, fucking why
Science God Q Alchemy: I think that's fair actually
Tommyg13: @Science God Q Alchemy don’t drag a better writer into this
gellaho: Goddammit, JD. THE BOOK WAS ALMOST OVER
Science God Q Alchemy: You seen ikiru masters? Seen nostalgia or fucking seventh seal?; Fuck you simon hawke
sensitive New Age jakesy: Wouldn’t be a Steele book without some casual incest or teenager fuckin
Greg Danang Danar Dono: It could be!
gellaho: Dude really has snakes on the brain
sensitive New Age jakesy: Did the army guys just forget about all the missiles they have; Oh no, bikes
gellaho: Finally, Ice is back
gellaho: I get it with the Roman shit, stop
gellaho: Ha, ha. Rape. Hilarious
sensitive New Age jakesy: Did he ever give an actual reason for why he needs to take power?
gellaho: restoring order?; The last book had a killer cyborg who was just crazy
sensitive New Age jakesy: I mean, there’s voting still. Air travel. Fair amount of order!; I guess the killer cyborgs are problematic
gellaho: See, you gotta first establish the horrific rape in your previous books to setup your rape joke; Steele & co just showed up in Wyoming, btw; 15 pages devoted to the history of Warren Air Force Base
Science God Q Alchemy: That's how a fucking master if the craft like j d masters, genius, does it
Science God Q Alchemy: Padding I suspect
Greg Danang Danar Dono: Didn't the evil general say there was no time to stop him? I don't see how that is true if Steele had time to rally a makeshift army and drive here
Science God Q Alchemy: Bad writing
Greg Danang Danar Dono: Ohhhhhhh; Bad writing!
gellaho: Yeah, who would recognize the only living cyborg
sensitive New Age jakesy: Wouldn’t he be given away when the officers all got down on their knees to fellate his legendary 3.5 hour dong?
Greg Danang Danar Dono: Absolutely bizarre that the president of the United States is planning the details of this mission
gellaho: Steele just got probed
sensitive New Age jakesy: Hahahah; I’m not far off
Greg Danang Danar Dono: Ah geez sarge I down wanna look in his butthole. Sargggeee. I dont wanna! Gosh dang it"
Science God Q Alchemy: Luckily he still has his human asshole or the jig would be up
Greg Danang Danar Dono: "Steele clenched, instantly compressing Private Jaworski's stupid hands into diamonds"; Hands was a typo but sure let's picture Jaworski going in two handed
Old Man Brendan: "Steele's nysteel brain was capable of turning off the pleasure he derived from the search, and did so...for AMERICA."
gellaho: That lady reporter who made the rape joke seduced the bad guy's right hand man. Without much provocation
Science God Q Alchemy: Look man you want to be thorough
gellaho: And presumably for no reason because he just left after that
sensitive New Age jakesy: His hands, which had previously been full of breast; I am JD Masters, constant sex haver
Science God Q Alchemy: I hope simon hawke got laid before the next book, I can't take much more of this
gellaho: The biker charge begins
Old Man Brendan: "Hehe damn you're sexy" is how Beavis was seducing women around that time.
gellaho: Steele is almost incidental to this book
sensitive New Age jakesy: It’s not ideal when you run out of ideas for your main character 3.5 books into an 8 part series
gellaho: This Tracy dude; That stripper got me high and fucked me, it's gotta be love
Greg Danang Danar Dono: Post-apocalyptic bikers are excellent suppers and are known for the clockwork precision of their coordinated explosive detonations
Old Man Brendan: As the bullets exited his chest, his dying thought was to wonder what caliber they were.
sensitive New Age jakesy: This might be the most damning evidence that Masters has never been laid
Old Man Brendan: What if we're all just tertiary characters in a shoddily written novel, subject to the caprice of a God dumber than we ever fear to be?
sensitive New Age jakesy: Of course he thinks strippers are all in love with him
gellaho: Seriously, Steele just appeared next to the big bad; Then got shot in the head
Science God Q Alchemy: He's only here because it's named after him
gellaho: He has a new laser hand he HASN'T FUCKING USED but instead decided to use his revolver; I guess not a revolver, but whatever
Science God Q Alchemy: I mean, 20 somethings have fallen for that one
gellaho: I. Want. Lasers
Old Man Brendan: If I had a laser arm, I'd be like, "Hey! CORD! Wave bye-bye," SZZZZZZNKKKK
sensitive New Age jakesy: It was a 1911, and here is the history of that gun (1/57839)
gellaho: Really taxing his brain for these names
gellaho: excellent; SKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!
sensitive New Age jakesy: Webster’s dictionary defines “Gun” as..; Hahaha; SKEEEEEEET
gellaho: More of this laser death please
sensitive New Age jakesy: Oh shit, I just remembered I have a death laser! Doh!
gellaho: Ice, baby
gellaho: Leave Ice's face alone
gellaho: Hey, look. That train horseshit came back
Old Man Brendan: Wait, so is the reporter just masturbating in a nuke silo hallway alone forever?
gellaho: The Denver reporter met up with the New York reporter and they're going to team up; To do... Something
Old Man Brendan: All...the way...down.
Greg Danang Danar Dono: Goddamn, this writing
gellaho: Higgins now has control of the electronic Steele brain copy. And it fucked with the launch sequence
Greg Danang Danar Dono: So... everything they happened until now was pointless?
sensitive New Age jakesy: Just when you thought this couldn’t get any worse; Deus ex machina to save the day
Old Man Brendan: It pleases Matrix to watch the humans struggle amongst themselves
Greg Danang Danar Dono: Because same outcome if internet steele just took away his nukes on page 15
gellaho: I guess the train isn't connected to the same launch sequence; The bad guy just got laser shot in the heart
Science God Q Alchemy: I mean, I guess technically steele saved the day
gellaho: without really doing a whole hell of a lot
sensitive New Age jakesy: Shouldn’t he just only use the laser now
Science God Q Alchemy: Steele just kills the bad guys, all the other stuff is up to everyone else
Old Man Brendan: He needs at least 20 minutes before he can go again.
Science God Q Alchemy: he's only trained to kill people not investigate or find them, he was a cop; Wait
Old Man Brendan: Remember, although most of him is Nysteel, his penis and laser are still very much human.
gellaho: Just look at this
gellaho
Greg Danang Danar Dono: Has anyone been in a van that flipped 4 times or a motorcycle that crashes at full speed? Hawke seems to think it is a mild inconvenience
gellaho: "I just have to figure out how to stop this train"; "Epilogue"
Science God Q Alchemy: I think it's hilarious how they saved basically everything but his brain; Like did they even try?
gellaho: How'd he stop the train, eh, fuck it; book's over
Old Man Brendan: I crashed my bicycle once because Citibikers are the worst. I was okay. Basically, I am a cyborg lasergun hero.
sensitive New Age jakesy: Also uhhhh the biker boss had to lay his bike down at 90 mph? And he’s just mildly inconvenienced?
Science God Q Alchemy: No wants to see an exciting sequence of him stopping a runaway train; Wait
gellaho: This is just utter nonsense at this point
Old Man Brendan: I'm so confused how the biker guy tried to get on the train at the exact place that Steele had to ride tandem up to to catch it BEFORE the delay of crashing the bike.
sensitive New Age jakesy: Lol god dam Jevvies
Greg Danang Danar Dono: The tone in these books is so uneven
Science God Q Alchemy: These books are simply amazing
gellaho: You know what, this is pretty funny though
Old Man Brendan: Jesuits rule.
Science God Q Alchemy: Honestly I'd do the same
sensitive New Age jakesy: Hahahaha; That is great actually
Old Man Brendan: My wedding shall be attended by everyone I've met in the last four days
sensitive New Age jakesy: Including my bride
Science God Q Alchemy: I feel like my favorite seanbaby line is appropriate for these books. "I've never seen someone be so bad at a thing and not die from it"
Greg Danang Danar Dono: Well we finished the book. Now all we've got to do is figure out how to stop this goddamn train.
Old Man Brendan: Who's getting married and why are they dressed like a far east stereotype of what Americans are like?
gellaho: They never said
sensitive New Age jakesy: Tracy and the stripper obviously
gellaho: Maybe?
sensitive New Age jakesy: Not the one he ate out, the other one
Greg Danang Danar Dono: Tracy never even met these people
Old Man Brendan: Tracy was a corpse before he hit the ground.; Oh wait, that was Tippecanoe
sensitive New Age jakesy: And Tyler too
gellaho: The book literally doesn't say who is getting married, I don't think it's Tracy
Greg Danang Danar Dono: That is worse; At least Tracy said "I'm going to get married to Karen"
gellaho: If it was him, why wouldn't he say that
Greg Danang Danar Dono: So Steele and that's so Raven?
gellaho: The End
gellaho: I would say this is the best one so far though; No horrific rape!; And it was hilariously horny
Greg Danang Danar Dono: Yeah book 3 was pretty fucking grim
Old Man Brendan: Underwear is the only thing strippers wear and Hawke thinks it's the opposite.; Can Steele's ny-liver get drunk?
Science God Q Alchemy: Has simon hawke fully exorcised his darkness? Only time will tell
gellaho
sensitive New Age jakesy: Let’s ask the creator of the material, Bill Ny the Steel Guy
gellaho: That one was enjoyably stupid all the way through, besides the Nuclear history lesson
sensitive New Age jakesy: Yeah I agree, this one made less sense than the rest of them but was still somehow better
Old Man Brendan: "Becktoria sexily gyrated at her job as a scientist, savoring the stares of those G.I. Boytoys who could only admire her body boobily, instead of her mind also boobily but brainily too. let them stare. Her boyfriend was a living vibrator of DEATH!"
Science God Q Alchemy: It kind if feels like the tone they should have had all along
sensitive New Age jakesy: At least there wasn’t like random kid rape thrown in; The last few had one or two absolute cringey sections
gellaho: He must have recently watched some 80's boob comedies
Old Man Brendan: I was eating Thai food. Did Ice ice anyone?
Science God Q Alchemy: I just hope simon hawke worked through his shit in his previous novel.; But the darkness of the human soul is not so easily banished, only time will tell if he has truly escaped his demons
Old Man Brendan: I don't want this to end.
gellaho: He didn't do a much of anything
gellaho: Good news, we're only half way done
Science God Q Alchemy: Everything must I'm afraid; But don't worry, the memories will last forever
Old Man Brendan: If I have to be stuck on my ass for a full year, at least I have these Steele sessions.
gellaho: After Steele, Simon Hawke somehow has 25 other books
Science God Q Alchemy: We don't have bitch ass robot brains that can be erased, so we have that going for us
Science God Q Alchemy: Clearly with those numbers he gives all his works his best effort.
Old Man Brendan: but if we did we could just start over and over
gellaho: There are 12 TimeWars books
Old Man Brendan: "Guinevere stared at the strangers with historical nipples."
Science God Q Alchemy: But we would never learn what we must from the experience. No it is better to carry the experience with us in our hearts, in our souls, in our human dicks
sensitive New Age jakesy: Oh shit. TimeWars. How could I forget about the time wars
Old Man Brendan: Actually, my dick is the only part of me that is Cyborg.
gellaho: This is the summary of one of his full length novels. Count the number of ideas and genre changes
Science God Q Alchemy: Yeah I'm surprised steele just didn't go whole hog, if I may
Old Man Brendan: What a terrible way to learn that Project Download erased the man you used to be.
Science God Q Alchemy: So, is the increase in suicides because they have no fantasy stories? because I would like simon hawke to back that assertion up
Old Man Brendan: The back of the book kind of spoils the middle of the book.
Science God Q Alchemy: I like the idea right up until the fantasy creatures show up; The it's like, fuck you
gellaho: It goes sci-fi, fantasy, back to sci-fi; And he, of course, mentions reproduction
Science God Q Alchemy: The ark ship and suicides feels like interesting material to mine.
gellaho: Do. Fairies. Fuck.
Science God Q Alchemy: Like, really get into ideas of society, despair, hope, anguish the human condition you know?
gellaho: But then it turns into Ready Player One?
Old Man Brendan: Honestly the first paragraph had me worried because I was kicking around an idea like that and also it's everyone's reality.
gellaho: Simon Hawke loves a premise
Science God Q Alchemy: The he adds fairy's because he sucks and I hate him
gellaho: Or should I say, all the premises
Old Man Brendan: But then it just became Na-VRnia
Science God Q Alchemy: I would be interested in that, depending on where you go with it; I like desperately bleak stories apparently. I am learning this about myself more and more
Old Man Brendan: The ship starts to fail and the leadership refuses to do anything about it.
Science God Q Alchemy: I like it; I like that concept; I'm writing a sci fi right now, kind if. It's not really a sci fi, and that's not genre snobbery I mean I just don't do much with the technology or science aspects. They're just there, in the background.
gellaho: But what if there were hot naked fairies?; with, like, their tits out?
Old Man Brendan: It's future but not sci-fi?
Science God Q Alchemy: Like, I think sci fi should use it's setting to explore ideas, but the setting us almost incidental.; Not fully but mostly
gellaho: Not joking
Science God Q Alchemy: God damn it hawke; HAAAAAAAAAAAWKE
Old Man Brendan: If you think that's bad, there's a centaur named Borodini who's trafficking all of them and keeping the poppy seeds.
gellaho: I have now completed my dark task. Time to retreat to the book cage to decide my next undertaking
Science God Q Alchemy: The book cage, where bad an naughty books go