gellaho
Prepare thyselves for Jagged Steele, coming up soon
5: Jagged Steele J.D. Masters (Simon Hawke)
#4 Steele
Tags:
Nuclear Extortion!
Archive
sensitive New Age jakesy
Let’s fucking go
Science God Q Alchemy
I am gagging
sensitive New Age jakesy
Also your photoshops have been getting better, this is your finest work yet
Brockway
wonderful, powerful, apocalyptic
Alpha Scientist Javo
the best part is that its a hardy boys casefiles book
Literary Chimera, Porn Mercenary
There is literally no Steele face that doesn't look amazing in and out of context. It's like Abraham Lincoln; impossible to truly encapsulate and appreciate in any medium beyond its natural state.
gellaho
Ignore that I just left Nic Cage's name there
Literary Chimera, Porn Mercenary
I will not. For I am now head-canoning that Nic Cage's mania is the result of temporarily being Warged into by Steele, permanently damaging his mind. He's like Hodor, only with screaming and over-acting.
sensitive New Age jakesy
Yeah I like to pretend that Steele is just taking on Nic Cage’s mantle of psychotic reading energy
Like Reading Rainbow but the rainbow is an acid flashback
gellaho
Here's your preview
sensitive New Age jakesy
He’s going to “pull the plug” on America!
- shakedownville
For you see, his name is Cord
sensitive New Age jakesy
Also glad the apocalypse didn’t take out GPS or missile guidance systems
Nor did it take out the rocket fuel facilities
This was really not a great apocalypse IMO
Ferroday, ScapeApe
Idk other than the cannibals, rape , and psychotic cyborgs it appears to have worked out for the characters
Science God Q Alchemy
The virus super apocalypse is a pointless detail that should have been culled
gellaho
They still have air travel and TV
Science God Q Alchemy
Any editor should look at this garbage and tell him no
You did a bad job
Do it again
Better this time
sensitive New Age jakesy
It’s the implications behind the things they still have that kill it for me. Like to have air travel you need advanced refining capabilities to create jet fuel, drilling to get the oil, advanced infrastructure to maintain air traffic control networks , etc
There was never an apocalypse if all of these things still exist
Science God Q Alchemy
That virus should have knocked them back to the stone age basically
sensitive New Age jakesy
Like didn’t the US and Russia nuke each other too as part of the backstory?
Science God Q Alchemy
Yes
gellaho
It would be one thing if he mentioned this stuff just in the first book and then never mentioned it again, but he repeats it over and over again
Science God Q Alchemy
There should be just bands of people desperately trying to survive.
This should be some earth abides shit
sensitive New Age jakesy
I read up on gellaho dot com about what areas of the US were nuked and it’s hilarious
Like Russia would aim for Wyoming instead of New York City
gellaho
it's where the nukes are apparently
Science God Q Alchemy
I mean, feels like dc would be the primary target
sensitive New Age jakesy
The thought process was to nuke our nukes? Like some kind of double nuke
gellaho
Oh, DC got obliterated
Science God Q Alchemy
Wait, they still have like, Congress and shit though
gellaho
It's in the UN building in New York
So either there were no members of government in DC or they somehow had special elections
it's not like he wouldn't have thought this through
Science God Q Alchemy
Yeah, my point was they should all be dead
gellaho
Speaking of which, Jagged Steele begins like all great stories do: in a senate budgetary meeting
Science God Q Alchemy
Were there just enough politicians in their home states campaigning to keep things going?
gellaho
Who knows
But, they still use money and have to budget
sensitive New Age jakesy
It’s not like resources are just free, you still have to give paper to people for them apparently
Science God Q Alchemy
I feel the road would be happening instead
sensitive New Age jakesy
How else can people buy all those airline tickets
gellaho
So, he's around 80% of the way towards getting his own backstory correct
gellaho
Except that he forgot nobody knows what's going on in California and Florida is a semi-independent haven for pirates
I can't fully parse this to actually know which countries didn't get nuked
gellaho
But it looks like Japan didn't get nuked this time
gellaho
Literally the next page
He's got the memory of a gold fish
Science God Q Alchemy
Yeah this should be the story of how a dude named steele struggles to get a full allotment of calories in a ruined wasteland
sensitive New Age jakesy
I think it’s safe to assume that if you’ve made it this far into the Steele series, you’ve got the gist of the fake apocalypse down
gellaho
If I knew anything about the geography of New York, I might find this interesting
At the end, the peppers win and those coastal elites get scared and hide
gellaho
At the end, the peppers win and those coastal elites get scared and hide
gellaho
He really just skips over societal structures still working
gellaho
"Yeah, people go to fucking work and vote and shit"
Riveting
gellaho
So, I'm skipping over the rest of it because it's boring. Basically, Higgins (the director of Project Download/Steele) tries to argue that Stalker (the murderous cyborg from the last book) wasn't that big of a deal
And then the budget gets cut anyway
Now, who's ready to get horny
gellaho
He's really trying to make it seem plausible that this virginal woman would fuck the first man around due to a scientific discovery
gellaho
Yeah, this got really horny really fast
gellaho
Is this supposed to be sexy?
sensitive New Age jakesy
Hahaha
Sexy sexy cow shit
gellaho
Why is this happening
sensitive New Age jakesy
How many virgin red headed scientists are we at now?
There have been several
gellaho
The first one was blonde I think, this is the same one from the last book
I guess I get a history lesson now
Djonin Foxman
Why does he say Peking and not Beijing?
When’s the last time someone called it Peking?
gellaho
I have no idea
Djonin Foxman
Peking became Beijing in 1949
gellaho
Somebody might need to research this
Djonin Foxman
The PRC established the pinyin as the standard
gellaho
Norman Spinrad is a real science fiction writer
But I don't know if this is a fake story
I know it didn't actually happen, but this is such a weird left turn
Djonin Foxman
I’m looking into it.
He wrote void captains tale, which I’ve actually heard of
sensitive New Age jakesy
I’m actually shocked masters hasn’t called anyone an oriental yet
gellaho
He was just talking about the real Warren Air Force Base and then all of a sudden he's going on about subway trains with nukes
Djonin Foxman
Please tell me when this book came out
I want a ballpark for my Omni deep dive
gellaho
June 1990
Djonin Foxman
Oh.
Alright I’ve found some 80s pdfs
gellaho
Ok, he is going into some fucking detail about nuclear launch systems
Djonin Foxman
Holy fuck I might have found it
gellaho
Can't explain the fucking economy or society, but launch sites and trains :thumbsup:
gellaho
weird
Djonin Foxman
Never mind I found Norman’s opinion piece on Florida
gellaho
We have our first movie reference, just wedged in here
gellaho
Coooobraaaaa!
Djonin Foxman
Only archives for Norman’s satire from Omni seems to be a script for a short about people living in fantasy simulations.
Dr Skin, the dandy
How long in the past is the apocalypse meant to have been?
Djonin Foxman
It’s so weirdly specific a call out that I can’t doubt it’s real and matters a hell of a lot to this author.
Dr Skin, the dandy
Are these a bunch of Delta force curmudgeons?
There are cannibal tunnel people in New York.
gellaho
The apocalypse happened in the late '90s. I think it's only a couple of decades
Djonin Foxman
Man
The late 90s was a shitty time for the world to end.
Dr Skin, the dandy
Before the Matrix, which is how I date the 21st century.
gellaho
Yeah, looks like JD really wanted to steal ideas from a children's toy cartoon
In addition to Robocop, Terminator, and like a dozen other things
Djonin Foxman
Jesus fuck
Learn how to use a semicolon please
Dr Skin, the dandy
Dark forest green. Sexy black epaulettes.
Trim little moustaches.
Djonin Foxman
Like a sexy Ghurka
Dr Skin, the dandy
They're all sexy.
gellaho
First mention of ninjas
it won't be the last
Dr Skin, the dandy
Wait
Some of those who failed to measure up knew they were part of something special? What.
gellaho
I guess I missed the first part of that sentence from the previous page
Djonin Foxman
Praetorians, Immortals, ninjas
Dr Skin, the dandy
Maybe they made it onto the B team.
Djonin Foxman
Name three soldier dudes that sixteen year old me thought were super cool
gellaho
Their training program, organized by Cord himself, was rigorous enough to kill some of those who failed to measure up
So I don't think there was a B team
Dr Skin, the dandy
Thank you.
I hate him a little less than I just did.
Dr Skin, the dandy
It's like if you crossed the Spetznaz with the SAS!
gellaho
This Tracy dude is so dead
sensitive New Age jakesy
Get a load of this dick, Tracy
Djonin Foxman
Jesus, this prose makes me feel better about my yiff-writing
gellaho
Tracy is there to supervise the COBRA troops
I'm pretty sure they are going to kill him
I wanna point out, JD Master's spent 5 pages explaining how nuclear launch systems worked and the history of the base for no reason
Djonin Foxman
“These were super cool dudes with karate training. In fact, they were the karate masters, and no one could tell them when to go to bed. They were like Vikings, or the noble IRA lad”
gellaho
It's like he thought I wouldn't believe that soldiers could go there and use the nukes
But thinks I will believe in a functioning economy and voting in a post-apocalypse
Djonin Foxman
Actually, not to imply anything white supremacist-y, but this prose is actually reminding me of the Turner Diaries
The guy who wrote the Turner diaries was an engineer, so he’d spend three pages explaining how a place’s water pressure pipes worked and spend like a sentence on a sex scene.
gellaho
gellaho
He spent 20 pages in the first book describing a news broadcast that ended up not mattering at all
I think he's just bad at writing
Djonin Foxman
“Snaky Cobras, huh? G-you get it?”
“Fuck off”
gellaho
He introduced four gangs through that broadcast, 2 of which have never appeared
sensitive New Age jakesy
Feed me Borodini. I need more Borodini
Old Man Brendan
wait wait wait are we Steele-ing?
gellaho
I'm on page 33, I haven't gotten a whiff of any character I know
Djonin Foxman
Yes.
I’m learning about the cobra force
Old Man Brendan
:SteeleYourself:
Djonin Foxman
Who are like the Sacred Band, or the Unmarried Zulu Brigade
In terms of their legendary power
Old Man Brendan
Deep Punic cut, I like it.
Dr Skin, the dandy
I :hearts: PEACEMAKER
gellaho
Little on the nose
sensitive New Age jakesy
So far all you’ve missed is a detailed explanation of the nuclear missile systems in post-apocalyptic America, and also how congress works
Djonin Foxman
Why are they in my college dorm’s public room?
Dr Skin, the dandy
Fucking 30 year old VHS, all screwed up and shit. " Who taped over fucking Naked Gun! That was the world's last copy asshole!"
Old Man Brendan
...so did America fall like a week after that film came out?
gellaho
I guess this is the reference book
Djonin Foxman
“There was a pizza box full of three quarters of a perfectly good pizza - stil warm and yet unattended”
Old Man Brendan
Man, he is laying down so much rich foreshadowing.
Dr Skin, the dandy
Someone is manufacturing soda
Djonin Foxman
“An iPod dock with a chipped charging mount played white noise”
gellaho
This is shit leftover from before the apocalypse
Old Man Brendan
I made soda last month. It....didn't go well.
Djonin Foxman
“Meanwhile, a chick from the squad down the road lay passed out on the couch”
gellaho
there are spooky skelingtons
sensitive New Age jakesy
Yeah you guys soda has like a 8 month shelf life even with preservatives
Old Man Brendan
After that it's just an aluminum drinkable vitamin.
Djonin Foxman
Yep
Dr Skin, the dandy
In the land of tunnel cannibals, the man with a soda stream is King
Djonin Foxman
We Fallout now
gellaho
Old Man Brendan
I'll be making ginger bugs and fighting off CHUDs, how is my life any different?
Greg Danang Danar Dono
Enough world building we want Steele
gellaho
I don't really need all this backstory, you could have just told me a crazy general got hold of some nukes
Old Man Brendan
Steele is the one who shot them before he got Bloodshotted.
Djonin Foxman
Why were there straps for those chairs
Dr Skin, the dandy
Sgt. Tracy is a bit of a pussy.
gellaho
And this fucking Tracy deadmeat
sensitive New Age jakesy
I do appreciate that soda and photo paper last forever in this universe
Djonin Foxman
It’s like “buckle your seatbelts, we’re using a computer terminal”
Greg Danang Danar Dono
Such an original plot line needs a lot of set-up for the audience to follow
Dr Skin, the dandy
I love those yellowed pages. Makes me nostalgic
Is this going to be like the Rock?
gellaho
MEANWHILE
Djonin Foxman
I’m going to ask my boss if I can instal a racing harness seatbelt for the camera monitoring station.
gellaho
Literally the next sentence
For those of you who don't know, Raven is a former child prostitute and Steele's love interest
Djonin Foxman
Fucking
Does everyone in fiction just resent security?
Then again, that’s like half the teams I work with
Statement retracted.
This profession attracts chuds.
gellaho
JD might resent more than just that
Dr Skin, the dandy
Jesus.
Djonin Foxman
Fuck
Dr Skin, the dandy
So many issues with his ex wife.
Djonin Foxman
Way to make the security guys look good. At least they’re honest
Dr Skin, the dandy
This fucking whore raven, who still walks like a Whore...
Djonin Foxman
They just think she’s hot, they’re not writing incel think pieces
gellaho
#strongfemalecharacter
Djonin Foxman
Fuck
Old Man Brendan
All sexy women are whores, got it.
Djonin Foxman
Thanks 1990
gellaho
The hits just keep coming
I'll mention that Steele is 43
Dr Skin, the dandy
I think JD masters based raven on a crush who to this day, never looked up at him.
sensitive New Age jakesy
Lol
Djonin Foxman
I want to see this writer use this train of gait-analysis to explain Steven Seagal running.
sensitive New Age jakesy
“She knew them titties were trash”
Typical things women think about
Old Man Brendan
All 22 year olds look 18 to people older than them.
Djonin Foxman
This is true.
Dr Skin, the dandy
She was shaped like a female capcom fighter, but not a child. This important.
gellaho
There he is
In a robe and everything
Djonin Foxman
Haha his name is fucking Donovan?
sensitive New Age jakesy
Woooooooooooo!
Old Man Brendan
"Seagal, codename Cobra Force X, knew running didn't look natural to him. But he didn't give a FUCK. He had a sexy gorilla torso, and the angry ponytail to sweeten it."
Dr Skin, the dandy
Would Gibson have been quite recent?
Greg Danang Danar Dono
But as close to a child as she could be. This was important
Old Man Brendan
There is something about book names.
Djonin Foxman
Gibson wrote in the 80s
gellaho
Topical
Djonin Foxman
Holy shit he’s reading Johnny Mnemonic
He’s reading Johnny fucking Mnemonic
Dr Skin, the dandy
This is so funny.
Let's see what he thinks Gibson got wrong.
Djonin Foxman
Not Neuromancer
gellaho
Djonin Foxman
He’s reading Mona Lisa Overdrive
sensitive New Age jakesy
My universal theory of “cyberpunk 2077 just stole the story from Steele” is all coming together nicely
Djonin Foxman
Strange young man? Gibson based his writing off getting fucked up in the 60s
gellaho
0 to horny real fast
Djonin Foxman
He was in his late 30s early 40s when he wrote Cyberpunk
Old Man Brendan
All Keanu Reeves products are the sum of 2+ previous Keanu Reeves projects
sensitive New Age jakesy
Has to really make sure we all know that Steele could kill her at any time
Old Man Brendan
But he loves her so much he DOESN'T!
sensitive New Age jakesy
She has to bang him now, because of the implication
Greg Danang Danar Dono
Glad we are about to get the Steele penis talk
gellaho
Fuck yeah, laser arm
Old Man Brendan
I hate when the sex-kitten half my age runs around commando but it only feels 90% good because I am an actual commando.
Greg Danang Danar Dono
He's only been on screen for two pages so it's about time to verify his situation down there
Old Man Brendan
His penis, which was also powered by a carbon dioxide laser...
gellaho
Holy hell
Djonin Foxman
Man, getting finger-blasted with a gun arm is one of my sexual fantasies but this writer isn’t great at making it sexy.
gellaho
This is so fucking horny
Djonin Foxman
“He had sexy cyborg control over his nutt”
sensitive New Age jakesy
Hahahahaha
gellaho
Had to mention his human dick, of course
Djonin Foxman
“He could edge with the force of a backhoe”
Dr Skin, the dandy
He turned his sensors up, but disabled "premature ejaculation cookies"
Greg Danang Danar Dono
This is necessary
gellaho
HE STILL HAS A FLESH PENIS, THEREFORE MAN
sensitive New Age jakesy
Ugh she was so hot any gamma males would have been one pump chumps
Old Man Brendan
"Steele's brain came rivers while he flexed his kegel muscles like OOH so nyleen-strong."
Dr Skin, the dandy
Tantric cyborgasm
gellaho
Is this supposed to be a joke?
Djonin Foxman
Steele is weak. His dick is still organic. If William Gibson wrote this, you can bet he’d have like, a cyber chain-cock with OxyContin semen
Old Man Brendan
"Raven's mesh-silk vagina, the result of several reconstructive surgeries to make her a virgin again for his pleasure, pulsed pleasantly and released a geranium perfume."
sensitive New Age jakesy
Hahahaha three and a half hours later!
Djonin Foxman
Three and a half hours? Jesus Christ
I have things to do
gellaho
Jesus Louisus
Old Man Brendan
It's possible, but...she will need that Nyleen vagina if they're not taking breaks.
Djonin Foxman
I’m not excited at the idea of boning a LoTR extended cut into a chick
“Now excuse me I need to ice my clit”
Dr Skin, the dandy
Steele's weak pulverised flesh cock leaked blood into his lap.
Old Man Brendan
sorry, nySTEEL
sensitive New Age jakesy
The next scene is just Raven waddling over to the ice bath where she now resides
Dr Skin, the dandy
Oxycontin semen is just a superpower I would consider. I want to be loved.
Djonin Foxman
Look, it’s only 3.5 hours because he lost his erection halfway through and had to take some pills and psyche himself up
Old Man Brendan
...I feel like you are/all dating very different women than I have.
gellaho
Seems like there might be some chafing on his human penis
sensitive New Age jakesy
15 minutes of sex interspersed between 3 hours of cursing at his weak, flaccid human penis
gellaho
I forgot they wiped Steele's brain
Djonin Foxman
Furry sci fi and fucked up William Gibson shit have ruined me for sci fi eroticism. Straight sci fi writers make such boring choices
gellaho
but it seems like he's going to abandon that immediately
Djonin Foxman
Come on, when you’re a cyborg you can start getting creative
Play Trials in Tainted space for ten minutes and you’ll realize how much thirsty shit this tech would actually open up.
Greg Danang Danar Dono
Didn't he talk to his ex-wife in the last book? Did they mind wipe him?
Djonin Foxman
Oh god now we’re ripping off Robocop
Old Man Brendan
Trusting Steele's college-age girlfriend with his backstory before sending him into a tantric orgy was bad PsyOps.
gellaho
Yes, he was a little distraught after his daughter was raped and murdered so the CIA made him forget about it
Djonin Foxman
What
gellaho
Did the tone of this make you think there hasn't been a lot of rape?
Djonin Foxman
But having massive amounts of trauma is what brings people into being a Fed
Old Man Brendan
They wanted a KILLBOT not a CRYBORG.
Djonin Foxman
Jesus
Is that a line
gellaho
no
sensitive New Age jakesy
It is now
Djonin Foxman
This book would say that and then have the character ask if they thought it was a good joke.
gellaho
JD doesn't have that level of skill
sensitive New Age jakesy
Headcanon for sure
Yeah Brendan is 10x the writer that Masters is, and that’s still an insult
Old Man Brendan
Yet accurate!
gellaho
"We didn't wipe your whole brain, just your family!"
Why are you upset?
Djonin Foxman
“I got a book to pitch! What if Robocop fucked teenagers?”
Old Man Brendan
The thing with altered states is they're always relative to the now.
gellaho
Hey, only the bad guys have sex with underaged girls
And their own sons
Dr Skin, the dandy
Brendan you hack you are only ten times the writer of this book.
gellaho
More importantly, Steele can produce saliva for kissin'
Djonin Foxman
Let’s traumatize the Steely Dan