Science God Q Alchemy
Ok, so hawke knows what cunnilingus is, at least in the abstract
5: Jagged Steele J.D. Masters (Simon Hawke)
#4 Steele
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Nuclear Extortion!
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Old Man Brendan
"If I'm gonna die, I want to die going down on a redhead."
Tommyg13
Nothing like a snack when the cops are coming
Science God Q Alchemy
I think we have to give him that much at least
gellaho
Seems legit
sensitive New Age jakesy
Yeah but he thinks it’s for wussy men who need to use strippers to hide them from strong army guys
gellaho
My brain is melting
Djonin Foxman
God this guy writes scenes like he’s writing a play by play of a shitty grindhouse film.
Tommyg13
Well, it’s not like they were pressed for time or anything like that
Old Man Brendan
Women have trouble finding sex partners and often accept the first fugitive to flee from the cops twixt their legs.
gellaho
Meanwhile: nukes
Tommyg13
@Djonin Foxman the expression on your avatar is fitting
Science God Q Alchemy
I feel like a genius deliberately trying to write the worst novel would still not be as bad as steele is on accident
Djonin Foxman
Good.
gellaho
Reminder: everyone sucks
Except Ice
Ice is eternal
Science God Q Alchemy
It's interesting to read a novel with no good guys
Tommyg13
Ice is eternal
You bet, boss.
Science God Q Alchemy
But the author isn't aware there's no good guys
That's the best part
Djonin Foxman
I’d argue that there’s plenty of Tom Clancy with no good guys if we count when the author is just too dumb to realize it.
Old Man Brendan
How does he figure on getting food?
gellaho
Steele's going in
New York to Wyoming in a post-apocalypse, easy peasy
gellaho
Details, details
Science God Q Alchemy
I actually like books with no good guy, but only if the author realizes there are no good guys
gellaho
Fuck, yes. Bring in Ice
Old Man Brendan
It's like how dumb movies are fun because they don't care, stupid movies are a slog because they don't know.
sensitive New Age jakesy
Yeah let’s just head over to la guardia, which was definitely NOT a strategic target for enemy nukes
gellaho
JD Masters is sitting on an Ice goldmine and he doesn't even know it
Tommyg13
@gellaho when was this written?
Old Man Brendan
Ice has a gang in WYOMING?
Djonin Foxman
1990
Wyoming: famous for massive black gang members
sensitive New Age jakesy
New York to Cheyenne would be like a 4 hour flight lol
Science God Q Alchemy
Are there any black people in wyoming?
gellaho
All 8 books were written between 1989 and 1990. All released two months apart
Djonin Foxman
Maybe visiting Yellowstone on vacation
sensitive New Age jakesy
On a commercial jet with no payload
Science God Q Alchemy
Ok I guess he didn't work super hard on these
Tommyg13
@gellaho it clearly shows
Science God Q Alchemy
Which is good, my heart would break if this was the best someone could do
gellaho
The implication here is that the CIA is selling drugs to make ends meet
Science God Q Alchemy
As opposed to selling drugs for other reasons they do in real life
Tommyg13
@Science God Q Alchemy oh, details, details
Djonin Foxman
Wyoming’s population today is 1% black.
Science God Q Alchemy
So like, 12 people?
gellaho
In JDs mind, strippers and awesome cops read sci-fi and fantasy novels
Tommyg13
Nice to see books like that survived the apocalypse and weren’t used for kindling
Science God Q Alchemy
He wishes
Tommyg13
@gellaho Projection much
Djonin Foxman
“The strippers in the Backrooms smoked their cigarettes and talked about whether Kirk or Picard were the best captain.”
Tommyg13
@Djonin Foxman Stop writing better prose, bro. You’ll make Hawke feel so inadequate, he’ll start back in with the lats. Lol :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
gellaho
Grocery bags. That is all
Djonin Foxman
So I did the math and apparently only like 5,800 black people live in Wyoming. Not even joking.
Sorry for getting hung up on this but this is fascinating.
gellaho
Now, chop off 3/4 of that
Djonin Foxman
I had no idea Wyoming was so non-black.
The American native population is higher there.
Greg Danang Danar Dono
See she isn't just a stripper. She has a name and she does art. This is great character work
sensitive New Age jakesy
But of course obviously the sex worker lives in a trash house with no real furniture
Tommyg13
@gellaho Ah, supermarkets survived the apocalypse too.
@Djonin Foxman I met their black caucus. His name is Steve (shout out to The Daily Show with John Stewart)
sensitive New Age jakesy
Like god intended
Djonin Foxman
What percent of Americans died in the apocalypse?
Tommyg13
@sensitive New Age jakesy Being paid in Nuka Cola caps only goes so far
gellaho
OK, I kind of skimmed past this before. But Linda Tellerman isn't just a TV reporter, she's a national TV reporter
gellaho
3/4 of all people died due to the virus and nukes
This book is the first one that gave an actual figure
Science God Q Alchemy
Makes sense to me, was settled by farmers when they where giving out parcels of land to settle, not a lot if black folks getting that as far as I recall
Djonin Foxman
Okay, so 1/4 of Wyoming is 147000
Greg Danang Danar Dono
Amazing that the national cable infrastructure survived the apocalypses
Science God Q Alchemy
Jesus, no one really does live in wyoming huh?
gellaho
Fuck, dude. Why not include this in the book?
sensitive New Age jakesy
That actually makes all of this even less realistic, if we lost that many people out of the work force, that alone would collapse all of our systems
Tommyg13
@Science God Q Alchemy they only have like one or two Congressmen
gellaho
I want Pawn Store rocket backpack store robbery
Djonin Foxman
If the entirety of Wyoming’s black population survived the apocalypse, they would move up to 4% of the population.
gellaho
show don't tell fuck-face
Science God Q Alchemy
I think if 3/4 of the population died it would not be a fun gritty seventies esque cyberpunk
Tommyg13
I’d like to see that in pawn stars
Science God Q Alchemy
It'd be the goddamn road
Tommyg13
@Science God Q Alchemy Heck, Thanos only wiped out half the population of earth and it was the freaking purge, if not for the capes
Science God Q Alchemy
There's a novel called earth abides where a virus wipes out I think, less of than than the virus in steele.
Djonin Foxman
We’re assuming this is some sort of Fallout vault scenario with Wyoming’s black population and oh my god I just had the best idea for a Mel Brooks movie
Science God Q Alchemy
It has no robots or gangsters in it
Tommyg13
@Djonin Foxman Blazing Saddles meets Fallout 3. Green light that sucker
gellaho
Oh, sure. Don't give me robbery action. But let's revisit the cunnilingus scheme
Science God Q Alchemy
I love how we always end up pitching better stories when we read steele
Garbage is good at getting the creative juices flowing
Tommyg13
@Science God Q Alchemy Because we’re not hacks
Djonin Foxman
Black Fallout would be a great double feature with Dick Wolf, Wolf Dick
Science God Q Alchemy
I am a hack, but I'm just less of one
gellaho
Speaking of juices
Science God Q Alchemy
cymbal tap
Djonin Foxman
SOMEONE GET JORDAN PEELE ON THE PHONE
Tommyg13
Ha ha ha...you suck
Science God Q Alchemy
Jordan peele won't answer my calls anymore
sensitive New Age jakesy
See I knew Masters was going to take that angle
Djonin Foxman
We gotta tell him to go for Key and Peele and not Oscar winning stuff.
sensitive New Age jakesy
“Look at this pussy who had to go down on a chick”
Djonin Foxman
We need inner-city Hogwarts Peele
Tommyg13
@sensitive New Age jakesy Stop it. You’ll make Hawke feel inadequate
gellaho
OK, they're going to get high and make chili I guess
Why the fuck not
Science God Q Alchemy
I want jordan peele to do blackula in the same style he did us and get out
Djonin Foxman
Haha what the fuck
Science God Q Alchemy
I love jordan peeled horror
Djonin Foxman
I did not expect bongs
Tommyg13
Hawke wishes he could rise to the level of Bluntman and Chronic
gellaho
NYC is going to get nuked, let's get fucking high, man
Science God Q Alchemy
Do you think hawke was high while writing these?
Tommyg13
I was gonna save nyc
But I got high
Djonin Foxman
I would like Call of Duty Black Ops more if Mason rolled a fat joint between war crimes.
Science God Q Alchemy
I think that might be more fun to read though
gellaho
I'm losing my mind
Djonin Foxman
But he didn’t do sober editing
That’s the most important step
Tommyg13
Ah, snowballing
gellaho
And, of course, horny town
Djonin Foxman
You can’t convince me this fuck read William Gibson. William Gibson wrote the fucking best getting high scenes in any book I’ve read.
Tommyg13
Hawt.
Djonin Foxman
I don’t even do drugs, but his dudes take pills and you get a contact high from the description.
sensitive New Age jakesy
Tracy does fuck a lot
Almost more than Steele these days
Djonin Foxman
What is this fucking IKEA furniture instructions-ass sex scene?
I’ve gotten better blowjobs on Neopets forums.
gellaho
This is the squarest description of bikers I've ever seen
Tommyg13
Like, rad, bro.
Science God Q Alchemy
I don't know if jd masters has ever had sex
Djonin Foxman
Thanks Professor
Tommyg13
It’s like square white guys explaining rap
Djonin Foxman
It is a decent history lesson
But like
Science God Q Alchemy
"wikipedia biker gang"
Djonin Foxman
Told in the most clinical way
gellaho
I think Masters just got really into movies during these two months
sensitive New Age jakesy
One percenter?
Did anybody say that back in 1990?
Tommyg13
@sensitive New Age jakesy I think it’s a Christian thing
Djonin Foxman
It was a biker term yeah
sensitive New Age jakesy
Ahhhh that makes sense
Djonin Foxman
What’s up with this Leonard Maltin review of biker movies
gellaho
This is what we call "woke" JD Masters
Woke JD Masters abuses parentheses
sensitive New Age jakesy
Like we got fuckin’ Bernie in the apocalypse here
Djonin Foxman
Stop
Making
Good
Movie
Ideas
Bernie of the Wasteland
It’s like Six String Samurai but with Bernie Sanders.
Tommyg13
Wait, bikers treated women poorly? The heck you say!
gellaho
"If you can read this, the bitch fell off," etc
Djonin Foxman
So one percenter in the like, 60s meant an asshole biker
Because bike clubs said “only one percent of bikers are assholes”
And the assholes went “fuck yeah!”
I’m paraphrasing
Tommyg13
Like the South Park episode with the bikers
gellaho
"Listen, I'm not racist. The bikers are racist"
Also, I don't care if it's the apocalypse. Bikers would rather walk then ride a crotch-rocket
Djonin Foxman
Jesus you hack, they call them Rice Rockets get your slurs right
Tommyg13
@Djonin Foxman you’re expecting research?
Djonin Foxman
I mean, he got one percenter right
gellaho
He also keeps referring to helicopters as "choppers" during this section
Science God Q Alchemy
Has steele fucked yet?
gellaho
it's really throwing me off
gellaho
Yes
gellaho
For 3 and a half hours
Djonin Foxman
Steele fucked for the duration of The Two Towers Extended cut
Science God Q Alchemy
I love how the title character is barely in these
Science God Q Alchemy
I call bullshit on him having a human dick then
sensitive New Age jakesy
Yeah this book seems to be developing the Tracy character
Tommyg13
@Science God Q Alchemy gotta world build
sensitive New Age jakesy
“Developing”
Science God Q Alchemy
They just told him it was a human dick and he believed them
gellaho
Masters has a real issue with names
So this character is named "Peacemaker"
Djonin Foxman
In better hands this biker gang would be awesome villains. Like, imagine them in a fallout game
gellaho
but a bunch of the missiles are called "peacekeeper" missiles
little confusing
Djonin Foxman
Their rank is visible by the bike quality
Tommyg13
I live on Long Island. Yeah, we got bikers here
Djonin Foxman
@Tommyg13 and Percocet
gellaho
Tommyg13
@Djonin Foxman oh, yeah. Trump city out here. Who hoo
gellaho
hocked a huge lunger
lunger?
Tommyg13
Loogey?
Peacemaker and Ice weigh the same.
sensitive New Age jakesy
Lol lunger
I love it
Stealing that for sure
Science God Q Alchemy
Wasn't peacemaker a different dude in the first book?
gellaho
The biker leader is named Snake
Tommyg13
That was Peacemaker Bib
This is peacemaker Steve
gellaho
The biker leader is named Snake
His name is Snake
Snake
Djonin Foxman
Weird
I thought he was dead
gellaho
He's an albino
Science God Q Alchemy
I hope steele yells snaaaake at some point
gellaho
An albino snake, ifyouknowwhatimean
Tommyg13
@gellaho because Albinos love the open road and the hot glaring sun
Ha!
sensitive New Age jakesy
Does he wear an eyepatch
sensitive New Age jakesy
Is he a one eyed snake
gellaho
Snake is going to be fighting Cobra
he's really thought this through
Really had to work for that alliance
sensitive New Age jakesy
Steele asked them do they want to join the war? Yes, they said. Moving on
Tommyg13
We’re working for the Man and we don’t work for nobody.
What
The
Heck?
Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD
it means they're saying that they don't wanna work for the man, because they don't work for nobody
Tommyg13
But they take the Man’s money.
What?
Who?
Why?
That hurt my brains
gellaho
I don't think JD/Simon knows what his politics are
gellaho
There Tracy goes, falling in love with the first woman to get him high and have sex with him
Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD
their dialect means that they're saying "if we took the man's money, it'd mean we worked for him, and we don't like that because we don't want to work for anyone"
it makes perfect sense
them falling in with steele anyway doesn't make sense, but that's :SteeleYourself: for you
Tommyg13
Can we go back to freaking Heathcliff. It made more sense.
@Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD thank you, dr. I needed a PhD to figure this mess out
Science God Q Alchemy
I think hawks politics are the same as joe rogan
gellaho
Dude seriously wants you to know that he's seen movies
Science God Q Alchemy
Just whatever he feels like at a given moment
Tommyg13
@Science God Q Alchemy That fits in well with Star Trek.
By referencing the Shining, he’s just reminding us we could be reading a better book
Science God Q Alchemy
I think a writer bragging about all the movies he's seen is not the flex he thinks it is
Especially because they're basic bitch ass movies literally everyone's seen
gellaho
I like that he name-drops Gibson but decided not to name-drop King
Tommyg13
It’s like someone who eats nothing but hot dogs saying he’s a food critic
gellaho
like, fucking why
Science God Q Alchemy
I think that's fair actually
Tommyg13
@Science God Q Alchemy don’t drag a better writer into this
gellaho
Goddammit, JD. THE BOOK WAS ALMOST OVER
Science God Q Alchemy
You seen ikiru masters? Seen nostalgia or fucking seventh seal?
Fuck you simon hawke
sensitive New Age jakesy
Wouldn’t be a Steele book without some casual incest or teenager fuckin
Greg Danang Danar Dono
It could be!
gellaho
Dude really has snakes on the brain
sensitive New Age jakesy
Did the army guys just forget about all the missiles they have
Oh no, bikes
gellaho
Finally, Ice is back
gellaho
I get it with the Roman shit, stop
gellaho
Ha, ha. Rape. Hilarious
sensitive New Age jakesy
Did he ever give an actual reason for why he needs to take power?
gellaho
restoring order?
The last book had a killer cyborg who was just crazy
sensitive New Age jakesy
I mean, there’s voting still. Air travel. Fair amount of order!
I guess the killer cyborgs are problematic
gellaho
See, you gotta first establish the horrific rape in your previous books to setup your rape joke
Steele & co just showed up in Wyoming, btw
15 pages devoted to the history of Warren Air Force Base
Science God Q Alchemy
That's how a fucking master if the craft like j d masters, genius, does it
Science God Q Alchemy
Padding I suspect
Greg Danang Danar Dono
Didn't the evil general say there was no time to stop him? I don't see how that is true if Steele had time to rally a makeshift army and drive here
Science God Q Alchemy
Bad writing
Greg Danang Danar Dono
Ohhhhhhh
Bad writing!
gellaho
Yeah, who would recognize the only living cyborg
sensitive New Age jakesy
Wouldn’t he be given away when the officers all got down on their knees to fellate his legendary 3.5 hour dong?
Greg Danang Danar Dono
Absolutely bizarre that the president of the United States is planning the details of this mission
gellaho
Steele just got probed
sensitive New Age jakesy
Hahahah
I’m not far off
Greg Danang Danar Dono
Ah geez sarge I down wanna look in his butthole. Sargggeee. I dont wanna! Gosh dang it"
Science God Q Alchemy
Luckily he still has his human asshole or the jig would be up
Greg Danang Danar Dono
"Steele clenched, instantly compressing Private Jaworski's stupid hands into diamonds"
Hands was a typo but sure let's picture Jaworski going in two handed
Old Man Brendan
"Steele's nysteel brain was capable of turning off the pleasure he derived from the search, and did so...for AMERICA."
gellaho
That lady reporter who made the rape joke seduced the bad guy's right hand man. Without much provocation
Science God Q Alchemy
Look man you want to be thorough
gellaho
And presumably for no reason because he just left after that
sensitive New Age jakesy
His hands, which had previously been full of breast
I am JD Masters, constant sex haver
Science God Q Alchemy
I hope simon hawke got laid before the next book, I can't take much more of this
gellaho
The biker charge begins
Old Man Brendan
"Hehe damn you're sexy" is how Beavis was seducing women around that time.
gellaho
Steele is almost incidental to this book
sensitive New Age jakesy
It’s not ideal when you run out of ideas for your main character 3.5 books into an 8 part series
gellaho
This Tracy dude
That stripper got me high and fucked me, it's gotta be love
Greg Danang Danar Dono
Post-apocalyptic bikers are excellent suppers and are known for the clockwork precision of their coordinated explosive detonations
Old Man Brendan
As the bullets exited his chest, his dying thought was to wonder what caliber they were.
sensitive New Age jakesy
This might be the most damning evidence that Masters has never been laid
Old Man Brendan
What if we're all just tertiary characters in a shoddily written novel, subject to the caprice of a God dumber than we ever fear to be?
sensitive New Age jakesy
Of course he thinks strippers are all in love with him
gellaho
Seriously, Steele just appeared next to the big bad
Then got shot in the head
Science God Q Alchemy
He's only here because it's named after him
gellaho
He has a new laser hand he HASN'T FUCKING USED but instead decided to use his revolver
I guess not a revolver, but whatever
Science God Q Alchemy
I mean, 20 somethings have fallen for that one
gellaho
I. Want. Lasers
Old Man Brendan
If I had a laser arm, I'd be like, "Hey! CORD! Wave bye-bye," SZZZZZZNKKKK
sensitive New Age jakesy
It was a 1911, and here is the history of that gun (1/57839)
gellaho
Really taxing his brain for these names
gellaho
excellent
SKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!
sensitive New Age jakesy
Webster’s dictionary defines “Gun” as..
Hahaha
SKEEEEEEET
gellaho
More of this laser death please
sensitive New Age jakesy
Oh shit, I just remembered I have a death laser! Doh!
gellaho
Ice, baby
gellaho
Leave Ice's face alone
gellaho
Hey, look. That train horseshit came back
Old Man Brendan
Wait, so is the reporter just masturbating in a nuke silo hallway alone forever?