gellaho
I'm pretty sure Steele's entire head is robot, so I don't really understand how he can produce saliva but he can
5: Jagged Steele J.D. Masters (Simon Hawke)
#4 Steele
Tags:
Nuclear Extortion!
Archive
Dr Skin, the dandy
I think you guys should write Steele fanfiction.
Tommyg13
This prose is so purple, it’s got bruises
Old Man Brendan
This prose is so purple, it's a female character in itself.
sensitive New Age jakesy
The “Masters” (- shakedownville) of Steele selectively choosing which memories he keeps is the most interesting part of this book
gellaho
You haven't earned that comparison
Btw we're back with the deadmeat
Djonin Foxman
I’d write shitty Steele self insert fiction making fun of the writing, but that would be indistinguishable from just bad writing
Dr Skin, the dandy
No, the joke would have to be that anyone can write incrementally better fiction, whilst still cranking out a terrible Steele novel.
Just a consistent 10% better.
Tommyg13
He actually read this and said, “yeah, this is good!”
gellaho
Dr Skin, the dandy
I think he regrets having his daughter character go through all that and doesn't want to address it.
sensitive New Age jakesy
Foreeeeeeeeeeshadowwwwwwwinnnng
Old Man Brendan
I wrote a column about pitching bad books once, and in dude's defense, it was 10x more incomprehensible than the fake bad books inside it, so...what I'm saying is I'm ready for my nysteel upgrades to increase comedy while selectively deleting MAMMARIES. He chuckled at his unintentional pun about misogyny in writing.
"G-get it?"
Dr Skin, the dandy
Don't forget about that black trim.
Tommyg13
The Optimus Prime-Princess Leia scene Brockway wrote about was better than this
Old Man Brendan
The black banding is how you know these snakes...are POISON.
gellaho
This Tracy dude is so dead
Dr Skin, the dandy
You know the author drew this cobra uniform
sensitive New Age jakesy
The best writers usually have major plot points explained by characters who you’ve never seen before running into the scene and screaming them at you
Old Man Brendan
first comic con I ever had a table at the dude next to me got a CBG who asked him to draw a Cobra HISS tank raping Storm. :frowning:
Science God Q Alchemy
Man I had to run some errands and it looks like I missed so much Steele
gellaho
That is basically what happened, yeah
Then Tracy had a long think about whether or not to stop a coup
Then climbed a fence
Djonin Foxman
I need to write a shitty parody chapter
Tommyg13
@Old Man Brendan That’s just squicky
@Djonin Foxman Your parody will be better than the original
Old Man Brendan
The squickest! He looked exactly like you're picturing but more chef Boyardee stains on his sweater.
Dr Skin, the dandy
Wait what's the Cobra MO, cos I'm saying just nuke the fucking place.
gellaho
Higgins has ties with the crazy general guy apparently
Dr Skin, the dandy
Like, haha I will nuke this fucking nuked virus ridden wasteland.
Tommyg13
@Old Man Brendan a lovely image to be sure
Sheesh.
gellaho
I will now only refer to the villain as "Skeet"
Dr Skin, the dandy
What does Cord want
Tommyg13
Skeet, skeet, skeet ala Dave Chapelle
gellaho
Cord wants to rule the country I guess
even though there isn't a functional government
and no people
Old Man Brendan
There's always a Skeet or a Deke.
He's usually the asshole who tells everyone to stay frosty.
Dr Skin, the dandy
But he would have to maintain control by always pointing a nuclear missile at his own seat of government.
sensitive New Age jakesy
Flanked by Lieutenant Fan and Corporal End Table
gellaho
There he is
sensitive New Age jakesy
Oh sorry I thought we were naming characters after things we see in front of us as we write
Ohhhhhh shit
Old Man Brendan
Maybe he's doing the Trump strategy of ruining an area then seizing the real estate he wanted once it's worthless.
Tommyg13
How did Skeet outflank them while being pinned down by automatic fire?
sensitive New Age jakesy
Ice Ice baby
:ice_cube:
Old Man Brendan
ICE IS HERE
Dr Skin, the dandy
He only knows one strategy to introduce the character who needs no introduction
His great big black arms waved hello
gellaho
JD is horny for Ice
Tommyg13
24 inch pythons, brother!
Old Man Brendan
"what did he look like?"
"BLACK! T-t-tall...officer, definitely 200 lbs. Women fucking loved him, I'll tell you that."
"Did he have lats like angels' wings?"
Science God Q Alchemy
Gid jd masters is obsessed with ices lats
Dr Skin, the dandy
Motherfucking ICE, with his lats like...ah dammit.
Tommyg13
Flaring lats. And flaring nostrils.
Dr Skin, the dandy
Do lats flare?
Where does ice get his growth hormones?
gellaho
A black man that reads? Now I've heard everything
Nobody take that out of context
sensitive New Age jakesy
Lol his first line is “this be a surprise”
Tommyg13
@gellaho Boooo. Booo.
Like the scene in the boondocks with the exorcism
sensitive New Age jakesy
If there’s one thing masters knows, it’s how to write dialogue
gellaho
Good lord
Dr Skin, the dandy
Oof.
John Coffey.
Djonin Foxman
I’m sorry is he intentionally talking like what his portrait would say in an RTS game when you click him?
gellaho
Po-lice
Djonin Foxman
He sounds like the fucking Marauders from Starcraft
Tommyg13
He’s really well read, boss.
gellaho
They also let Victor Borodini go, so you really didn't get a crack at him Ice
Dr Skin, the dandy
This is actually getting worse.
sensitive New Age jakesy
Hell yeah, let’s get to Borodini
Dr Skin, the dandy
"I think I pass"
Djonin Foxman
Like this is horrible but also I’m really growing attached to Mr Cool Ice
Science God Q Alchemy
I think the books he picks for ice are the kind if books a stupid person thinks a smart person would read
Tommyg13
Po-lice??
gellaho
yes
Dr Skin, the dandy
"You a kind man Mr H, a huh ahuh ahuh"
sensitive New Age jakesy
Yeah Ice is the only actual good character even if his dialogue was written by a chud
Science God Q Alchemy
I think simon hawke exclusively reads pulp science fiction
Old Man Brendan
Everybody loves Ice because he's the only character who slices through everyone else's bullshit.
Djonin Foxman
“You read Dostoevsky? That cat was mad somber.”
gellaho
He's like not even using verbs in some of these sentences
Dr Skin, the dandy
We don't know about his past
gellaho
Also, "That's mighty white of you"
Djonin Foxman
Oh shit Ice is a reoccurring guy?
Tommyg13
That’s mighty white of you? Hoo brother
Old Man Brendan
All the other characters are out here making things dumb and noisy, but Ice just wastes everyone who's in the way of the plot.
gellaho
indeed
Dr Skin, the dandy
He's the only non suspected rapist in 8 books.
So he glows by comparison.
gellaho
The former leader of the Skull (black) gang
Djonin Foxman
Okay, my self insert fic needs to involve high fiving Ice
Science God Q Alchemy
Ice rules
gellaho
He was pushed out by Victor Borodini and vowed revenge
Old Man Brendan
He's got his own stuff going on, he doesn't go in for all the perv computers and rape syndicates.
Science God Q Alchemy
By all rights he should be the hero
gellaho
which he didn't get
Tommyg13
@Dr Skin, the dandy Holy cow, eight books of this?
Greg Danang Danar Dono
We have a ways to go
Dr Skin, the dandy
I think so.
@gellaho ?
gellaho
Yes
The last one has a lady robot ninja
Greg Danang Danar Dono
I can't wait to see the character development over 8 books
sensitive New Age jakesy
Yeah I think this is book 4 of 8
Dr Skin, the dandy
I think I missed where they wiped his memory. It's midnight here.
sensitive New Age jakesy
I’m not against us crowdsourcing a 9th book in this discord
Everyone signs up for a chapter
Djonin Foxman
Oh fuck.
Tommyg13
@Dr Skin, the dandy Hi. Where is here?
gellaho
Here's the description of Skeet
Dr Skin, the dandy
Let's crowdsource the graphic novel.
Old Man Brendan
This series could be the next My Dad Wrote a Porno.
gellaho
It was at the very end of the last book
Science God Q Alchemy
God he is so obsessed with how jacked all these dudes are
And tall
Dr Skin, the dandy
UK, West Yorkshire
gellaho
He only alluded to it, but I guess they went through with it
Djonin Foxman
I could write bad erotica if Chimera’s rates are too high.
Science God Q Alchemy
Does simon hawke have some issues with his own masculinity?
Tommyg13
@Dr Skin, the dandy Ta.
gellaho
"@Science God Q Alchemy Flaring lats are a clue"
Yes
Djonin Foxman
Honestly this isn’t as bad as Ben Shapiro’s bear-of-a-man characters.
Old Man Brendan
He could have just said the general was Tom Selleck and called it a day.
Djonin Foxman
Ben Shapiro writes just sentence after sentence about muscle daddies
Science God Q Alchemy
Erotica? In this economy? You think anyon can afford that?
Dr Skin, the dandy
5" 8, lesser character I guess.
sensitive New Age jakesy
I’m guessing that Masters is under 6 feet tall and he hates that
It eats at him
Old Man Brendan
No, villain. Definitely the traitor in disguise.
Greg Danang Danar Dono
This is the second time we've been given Ice's chest measurements
Dr Skin, the dandy
He's 5"11 I bet.
Old Man Brendan
The people DESERVE TO KNOW if Ice is getting enough maintenance protein
Dr Skin, the dandy
Why couldn't ice have a big fat belly.
Old Man Brendan
That's his cousin Sno-Kone
Dr Skin, the dandy
Like, why flared lats and a trim waist?
Djonin Foxman
He writes like a 5’10” guy who was measured at 5’11” once and refuses to acknowledge it was probably a mistake
Tommyg13
@Dr Skin, the dandy 24” pythons, brother!
Old Man Brendan
Muscle-ups.
Science God Q Alchemy
Simon hawke looks like he works out in his pics, is/ was he a body builder?
Greg Danang Danar Dono
His first appearance
gellaho
This Tracy guy is great at escaping undetected
Greg Danang Danar Dono
Just the same description almost word for word
gellaho
I hate to quibble, but that's from the second book
Science God Q Alchemy
I mean, that would make him somewhat human not godlike and huge
Tommyg13
That’s twice he mentioned the voice of doom
Old Man Brendan
He's obsessessed with power and purity, so...probably?
Dr Skin, the dandy
Oh, his obviously black voice.
gellaho
In his introduction, he was described as having an "unmistakably black voice"
Dr Skin, the dandy
Sorry that was it.
Tommyg13
@Dr Skin, the dandy I’m surprised the hack hasn’t mentioned Ice’s big big balls.
Djonin Foxman
“He had the voice you heard in your head when you read a Luke Cage comic”
Dr Skin, the dandy
"did you just hear a Chinese guy with shit lats?"
Old Man Brendan
one is reminded of George Carlin's "openly Black" bit.
Science God Q Alchemy
Bodybuilders and fascist overlap venn diagram
Old Man Brendan
Ugh, I used to know a guy on Millarworld...truth.
They both LOVE Earth X Captain America.
Tommyg13
@Science God Q Alchemy Regretfully
gellaho
He met with Steele in secret, but Victor Borodini found out. Then Steele got destroyed by Borodini's gang, which is how he became a robot. Ice escaped unscathed because he's the best
Science God Q Alchemy
Like I know some not terrible bodybuilder dudes but like, it's a problem
Dr Skin, the dandy
Ice probably just pulled his way up a fire escape or something. With a wide grip.
Old Man Brendan
Powerlifters are the sweetest dudes (and a lot of olympic-style lifters are women). Bodybuilders...hey. Good luck with your life.
Tommyg13
@Old Man Brendan That’s true from what I heard.
Djonin Foxman
Who do we cast to play Ice in the movie?
gellaho
You know what, maybe Tracy can make it
Dr Skin, the dandy
Women who Olympic lift caused me a total mind schism about where strength lies and what it looks like.
Tommyg13
@Djonin Foxman Too bad Michael Clark Duncan is dead
Science God Q Alchemy
Dwayne the rock johnson is the only man big enough but he's not the best choice otherwise
Old Man Brendan
Hey, a HUD.
Djonin Foxman
I was gonna say
Dr Skin, the dandy
what is Tracy blowing up and why is he throwing up
gellaho
In case you were wondering what that backpack is, cops and soldiers get missile backpacks that are fired with computers
Djonin Foxman
Michael Clarke Duncan is in my mind here.
Science God Q Alchemy
I'd love to hear the rock talk jive written by a white weirdo
gellaho
It was used once at the very beginning of the first book during a training exercise and never again
Tommyg13
@Dr Skin, the dandy Oh, NOW we’re bringing logic into this?
Djonin Foxman
Watch WWE
Science God Q Alchemy
A good thing for cops to have access to
gellaho
He blew up the soldiers chasing him from the base
Djonin Foxman
Oh man please tell me there’s a Mexican guy, I want to see that phonetic accent.
Dr Skin, the dandy
Oh, you don't know about "Chang"
Tommyg13
@Djonin Foxman Ten bucks he’d sound like Razor Ramon
Djonin Foxman
Jesus, the name “Chang” says enough.
Sounds like he has shit lats
Dr Skin, the dandy
It does.
gellaho
Oh, I guess he made it to a phone
Old Man Brendan
Razor Ramon was so racist we were horrified by it as 11-year-olds at the actual time.
Science God Q Alchemy
Chang is what you name your chinese character when you're a dipshit
2
Dr Skin, the dandy
What was the Hispanic gang called again.
Old Man Brendan
The SoHo one?
sensitive New Age jakesy
I think he wrote this book in a PF Changs
Tommyg13
@Old Man Brendan Wrestling is soooo very pc lol
gellaho
The Chingos
sensitive New Age jakesy
Using my unified theory of masters naming shit after things he can see around him
Tommyg13
@gellaho Get out of here
Djonin Foxman
“Where you is” Ice asked blackly over the comms
Dr Skin, the dandy
The Chingos. Oh god. Yes. That is correct.
gellaho
Skulls, Chingos, Green Dragons, The Brood
Science God Q Alchemy
That still sounds like a slur to me
gellaho
Black, Mexican, Chinese, Bikers
[7:05 PM]
The four races
Science God Q Alchemy
The four ethnicities
Old Man Brendan
Yeah, I remember that Marvel crossover.
Tommyg13
@gellaho Is this guy secretly L. Ron Hubbard?
Dr Skin, the dandy
And...Peacemaker.
Djonin Foxman
... like, not what you think, the Chingos are named for their love of the bar game Chingona
Science God Q Alchemy
You know 40% of gang members are white?
@Tommyg13
@gellaho Is this guy secretly L. Ron Hubbard?
gellaho
He's secretly Simon Hawke
sensitive New Age jakesy
In other words, 60% are not white
Science God Q Alchemy
Like I think that would not change in the future right?
Dr Skin, the dandy
Not in the Green Dragons baby.
Tommyg13
@gellaho I’d be ashamed to let people know that.
Djonin Foxman
The black gang is called the Skulls?
Science God Q Alchemy
Youd think there's be higher rates of white dudes considering how badly everything shit the bed in this world
Tommyg13
@Dr Skin, the dandy Not the Jade Dragons? I’m disappointed
sensitive New Age jakesy
Maybe they all died in the fake apocalypse?
Science God Q Alchemy
Why define gangs on racial lines in a ruined earth?
Djonin Foxman
That’s a very white gang name unless we’re going for a Live And Let Die-tier West Indies sterotype
Science God Q Alchemy
Like race no longer matters after the nuclear apocalypse I feel
Dr Skin, the dandy
The world was annihilated except for what the author imagined a new York ghetto was.
Djonin Foxman
So this is the Maze Runner
Tommyg13
@Science God Q Alchemy Yeah, you’d think there’d be more important priorities
Science God Q Alchemy
The only white gang is the Italian gang, and even then depends on how you define white
Tommyg13
This is getting aggressively bad, guys
sensitive New Age jakesy
You ain’t seen nothing yet
Dr Skin, the dandy
Italian count?
gellaho
You know nothing, young one
Djonin Foxman
Oh Jesus the Italian gang is called the Gabbagoul isn’t it
And they all have pressed suits
Dr Skin, the dandy
The Cosa Spaghetti monster
Tommyg13
@gellaho Thus young Palawan is willing to learn. Lol :joy:
gellaho
It's the Borodini Enclave, and it was a conglomeration of the Green Dragons, the Chingos, and the Skulls
Old Man Brendan
In fairness, weren't the Chingos one of those multicultural '80s gangs?
gellaho
it kind of doesn't exist anymore
Science God Q Alchemy
To some, not to others
Djonin Foxman
And they got names like Johnny the beak
sensitive New Age jakesy
“I make-a da pasta and then shoot-a your face!” Said Borodini
Science God Q Alchemy
Almost like race is kind of bullshit a little bit
Old Man Brendan
Fargo S4 is really good.
Tommyg13
@Djonin Foxman this is becoming a bad family guy skit
Djonin Foxman
I fucking remember seeing an interview with a gangster who confirmed italian organized crime nicknames were all dumb.
He knew a guy called Eggs cause he liked eggs.
Old Man Brendan
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rkMshhyIpiA
YouTube
RagingLoon
Rush Limbaugh's Fight Scene on Family Guy (the "Excellence in Broad...
Tommyg13
@sensitive New Age jakesy Hey, I’m Italian...and pretty accurate I must say, for this hack.
Dr Skin, the dandy
Tony two fingers and Fat Sammy Delalio
Tommyg13
@Old Man Brendan Ugh, that guy.
Science God Q Alchemy
I love when family guy has just a random 5 minute fight scene just to pad run time
It's just the best
Tommyg13
And Johnny Two times, Johnny two times
gellaho
OK, so Higgins is trying to get the computer program with a copy of Steele's brain to fuse with Steele's memories
Science God Q Alchemy
I am super interested in like, organized crime and the sociological shit going on there. It's fascinating
gellaho
I'm not really clear on why
Science God Q Alchemy
Have we been clear on why any thing happens in these books
Tommyg13
The matrix? Is Keanu going to be here?
sensitive New Age jakesy
Oh shit I forgot that Steeles rogue AI is floating around the internet somewhere now
gellaho
I guess they're trying to capture it from the phone lines
before it gets to his brain?
Dr Skin, the dandy
Just a fucking Dickless algorithm
Tommyg13
@sensitive New Age jakesy Ahh, he’d get lost in a Reddit AMA
Science God Q Alchemy
Every steele book feels like a rough draft, but what if simon hawke works hard on these?
sensitive New Age jakesy
Ah right, this is the AOL internet data
Science God Q Alchemy
Like weeks spent just writing and rewriting
That would make me so sad if it was the case
Tommyg13
@sensitive New Age jakesy make sure you have a cd :cd:
@Science God Q Alchemy you have a kind heart
Dr Skin, the dandy
He definitely did.
gellaho
All the copy seems to want to do is show Higgins and Stone's sex tape
Tommyg13
It truly is the internet
Dr Skin, the dandy
The Steele AI has been holding revenge porn since the last book.
sensitive New Age jakesy
God dam AI decides to go with revenge porn as its tactic
Dr Skin, the dandy
What a weak ass use of its time.
gellaho
I guess Steele got his memories back
Science God Q Alchemy
Ha owned