Djonin Foxman
Okay what exactly is Steele’s job
5: Jagged Steele J.D. Masters (Simon Hawke)
#4 Steele
Tags:
Nuclear Extortion!
Archive
gellaho
cop
Tommyg13
They’re still using CRTs in the future?
gellaho
I sure am glad Steele's memories got wiped
Djonin Foxman
I assumed he was some secret agent or whatever Naked Snake was.
He’s just a cop?
gellaho
CIA agent too
Science God Q Alchemy
Cyborg murderer
Dr Skin, the dandy
The author doesn't know.
Science God Q Alchemy
He murders people they need murdered
Dr Skin, the dandy
He's a Robocop, CIA agent.
sensitive New Age jakesy
Psjhhh. “Just” a cop? More like the best god dam cop this town has ever seen
Science God Q Alchemy
He also murders... Pussy
Djonin Foxman
Like where does he go when he’s not needed? Does he have a barracks or a shitty apartment
Science God Q Alchemy
He has an apartment
Djonin Foxman
I couldn’t tell from the sex scene if that was a Dorm or an office
Greg Danang Danar Dono
Didn't internet Steele pull the "show sex tape" card in the last book?
Dr Skin, the dandy
Wherever there's a 16 year old looking twenty year old.
Science God Q Alchemy
He bangs his underage girlfriend in it
Wait that's right she only looks underage
Dr Skin, the dandy
She's not underage. Very important
Djonin Foxman
She’s actually a dragon.
And 400
Science God Q Alchemy
Whenever I think about steele and raven next to each other my mind conjures an image of elon musk and grimes
gellaho
It's all he knows
Science God Q Alchemy
When all you have is a hammer
Dr Skin, the dandy
He's trying to blackmail them, into doing it again.
gellaho
Post-apocalyptic street reporters, reporting on nukes to the CIA
That classic story
Science God Q Alchemy
I think steele honestly just thought everyone should see it, it was some really good fucking
Old Man Brendan
Man, Steele's AI really wrecked chain of command by showing that old dork shooting out of his solar system.
Science God Q Alchemy
I mean, fallout had a reporter so I'll give it a pass
She fucking kept turning down my proposals
Dr Skin, the dandy
Linda Tellerman needs to be described.
Old Man Brendan
Tracy is working SO HARD to tell everyone and make them believe him.
Old Man Brendan
Are her breasts non-embarrassingly large, or is she all lats?
Science God Q Alchemy
Both?
Djonin Foxman
How black is her voice
Science God Q Alchemy
I the ideal woman
Dr Skin, the dandy
She was a tough street reporter, who was super horny when she got a 'scoop'
Old Man Brendan
What kind of sex work was she forced into before she was a reporter?
gellaho
I guess Higgins is Skeet, not the crazy general
sensitive New Age jakesy
Her body was 20 but her breasts felt 18. She titted boobily across the foyer and her nipples were rock hard at the sight of Steele
Science God Q Alchemy
A super original character archetype that has never appeared in fiction before
gellaho
Oh, also the crazy general just decided to tell the director of the CIA his whole plan
Dr Skin, the dandy
Her legs went from here to "awoooo"
She read books, like the Iliad.
Djonin Foxman
So I’ve noticed characters in this book read whatever the fuck the author was fascinated by within a week of writing.
Old Man Brendan
"Ice was 'street' but he really enjoyed a laugh at The Pickwick Papers"
Djonin Foxman
So my fan fiction is going to have my self insert enter the room reading off a CRT tablet computer and saying “you fucking read this Brockway article Steele? He wrote a bunch of hamburger jokes, it’s a riot”
Dr Skin, the dandy
Strong start. Give me a Nuke Silo and I'll be pretty fucking candid about the situation too.
gellaho
There's also a crazy amount of lip-moistening and lip-biting
Old Man Brendan
"Look, I don't want my nuclear terrorism to ruin our friendship."
Dr Skin, the dandy
Raven was reading Jung, in one of Steele's manly white shirts except her cunt was out.
sensitive New Age jakesy
The chapstick factories were the first to go when the bombs fell
Old Man Brendan
"We served in the Biowars together before Steele became more machine than man."
Djonin Foxman
Ice thumbed through a Garfield anthology with a stern, unamused Nubian glare.
Science God Q Alchemy
See I don't think the characters are reading stuff hawke reads
Dr Skin, the dandy
The author doesn't know what emotions people are expressing so everyone just licks their lips, then kills someone.
Old Man Brendan
That's so anima.
Science God Q Alchemy
I think hawke exclusively reads pulp paperbacks and star trek fanfiction where they're all fucking shredded
gellaho
I haven't checked the next page yet, bets on whether or not the dick gets mentioned?
Science God Q Alchemy
I bet it is
sensitive New Age jakesy
He actually wrote a bunch of Star Trek novelizations so that tracks
Old Man Brendan
"I guess I'll have to start calling you 'Muscles,' Hank old friend," quipped Kirk, his cordlike forearms trembling with power.
Science God Q Alchemy
How shredded are the characters in them?
gellaho
If you guessed fucking immediately, congrats
Tommyg13
I’ll buy that for a dollar.
@sensitive New Age jakesy I’m glad I don’t read those.
sensitive New Age jakesy
I have not either, luckily
Science God Q Alchemy
Ha, hawke is so fascinated by the human dick
Tommyg13
Oh, good grief.
Old Man Brendan
Wait, so Steele was just a lower torso and some arms way over there, glued to a nysteel Dethlok?
gellaho
well, who isn't?
Old Man Brendan
ALL THAT'S LEFT OF STEELE IS HIS DICK
Dr Skin, the dandy
He says his torso is organic, then lists like twenty ways it's not.
sensitive New Age jakesy
And his balls, full of future potential offspring
Science God Q Alchemy
The dick of a dead man hanging limply from the pelvis of a horrible technological homunculus is a pretty interesting subject matter
sensitive New Age jakesy
So virile
Old Man Brendan
This is the weirdest Animorphs novel ever.
Science God Q Alchemy
Interesting in a disturbing way
Tommyg13
@Science God Q Alchemy Ugh, I could have gone the rest of my life without that image
Dr Skin, the dandy
If anyone asks why I'm in here.
Old Man Brendan
Ex Machina 2: The Machines Fuck Back
gellaho
I think Steele and internet Steele computer-fucked
Science God Q Alchemy
Yeah my thing is that steele is dead, and the main character is a machine brain with composite memories of steele and some other dudes
Science God Q Alchemy
Hot
Old Man Brendan
Brief = 3.5 hours
Tommyg13
If it can’t express grief, why is it suffering?
Old Man Brendan
Steele is just Rape Savior Complex Swamp Thing.
Dr Skin, the dandy
This is the most irritating thing the author has written.
Tommyg13
@Old Man Brendan Without the pathos or John Constantine
Old Man Brendan
It's a very gothic existential despair.
Ice is his Constantine.
gellaho
8 rows of ribbons
Tommyg13
This is Alex Kurtzman level hackery here
gellaho
He's already got the comical dictator look down
sensitive New Age jakesy
The ribbon factory was not hit by the nukes
Old Man Brendan
For distinguished valor in CHUD combat.
Tommyg13
The ribbons shielded him from the blast
Dr Skin, the dandy
I'm not sure what the author is trying to do with this. Has Cord made any demands or what?
gellaho
Old Man Brendan
One vote for TimeWars after this.
Dr Skin, the dandy
I want Shakespeare's mysteries
sensitive New Age jakesy
We still have 50% of the world’s Steele books to get through
gellaho
I have some TimeWars, but I have a strict date with Psi-Man
Dr Skin, the dandy
"Cord, what do you fucking want?"
Tommyg13
Who’s Higgins? Tom Selleck’s guy Friday?
Old Man Brendan
But when they're gone, they are GONE
sensitive New Age jakesy
I have no idea how they’re going to stretch this out for 4 more novels
Dr Skin, the dandy
Psi man cover art is my drugs.
sensitive New Age jakesy
The premise is already razor thin
Dr Skin, the dandy
Neither did the author
Old Man Brendan
Higgins directs Operation Downlod and sensually rails his employees on his desk.
Tommyg13
@sensitive New Age jakesy obsessing over lats and moistening lips will fill up space
Science God Q Alchemy
I mean, I'm surprised the premise lasted this long
Old Man Brendan
Stalker will come back.
gellaho
Uh, oh
Old Man Brendan
I want Ice to get a nemesis.
[7:36 PM]
Besides Borodini.
[7:36 PM]
A chance to...
Tommyg13
@Old Man Brendan Stalker will be back in Steele 2, the moistened lats
Dr Skin, the dandy
I want to know how the author feels about Japan.
sensitive New Age jakesy
Ah shit
[7:37 PM]
They’re going to make
[7:37 PM]
America
Old Man Brendan
RACIST
gellaho
The brink of oblivion?
Tommyg13
@sensitive New Age jakesy is that Jesus and a dinosaur in your avatar?
gellaho
75% of the world's population died, buddy. You're already there
@Tommyg13
@sensitive New Age jakesy is that Jesus and a dinosaur in your avatar?
sensitive New Age jakesy
It is macho man Randy savage and Jesus on a t-shirt from Wish
Tommyg13
Brink? That’s an understatement
@Dr Skin, the dandy
I want to know how the author feels about Japan.
gellaho
I'm sure when the lady robot ninja shows up we'll find out
Tommyg13
Oh that is boss!
sensitive New Age jakesy
My only regret is not ordering the shirt
@gellaho
I'm sure when the lady robot ninja shows up we'll find out
Dr Skin, the dandy
It's going to be all ninjas, and Mr myagis with dignity.
Science God Q Alchemy
What's the bet that hawke owns at least one body pillow?
Tommyg13
@Dr Skin, the dandy Pat Morita was in a married with children episode with more dignity
@Science God Q Alchemy
What's the bet that hawke owns at least one body pillow?
Dr Skin, the dandy
He strikes me as too old world
Old Man Brendan
Hawke is the Krieger of pulp novelists
gellaho
This is a long ass speech, but seating the capital in Wyoming is a sure-fire way to ensure revolution
Tommyg13
Well, we ticked off the whore box, racist box, moron box...what’s left?
Dr Skin, the dandy
Are they not already under martial law, with the zombies and stuff?
gellaho
So far no rape, so that's been pleasant
1
Tommyg13
Who died and made him boss...oh...right....
Dr Skin, the dandy
The author was working through some dark stuff before.
Old Man Brendan
Dick Cheney started two wars we couldn't lose and still thought he had to use nukes in both of them, I can see WY becoming a power seat.
sensitive New Age jakesy
Yeah like how does this change the lives of the people trying to survive in the wasteland
Science God Q Alchemy
I mean, what the fuck is even happening in the world of steele?
Tommyg13
@sensitive New Age jakesy All 20 of them
sensitive New Age jakesy
Like cool man you’re the boss now, excuse me while I fight this bear for my next meal
Dr Skin, the dandy
Whatever Cord, you're in charge. Now, WHAT DO YO WANT?
Tommyg13
The fake president in Fallout 3 was a better leader
gellaho
I don't know how this speech makes any sense in the context of the setting
[7:42 PM]
it's also gone on for pages
Tommyg13
Oh blah blah blah.
[7:43 PM]
It’s a republic, you dummy
sensitive New Age jakesy
Imagine caring about the constitution after the apocalypse
Old Man Brendan
Like Caesar, but not.
Dr Skin, the dandy
They are voting for their own payrises. In bottle caps
Science God Q Alchemy
I love how the fascist general is the most sympathetic villain, real side eye shit
Old Man Brendan
A month ago I wouldn't say this tracked.
Tommyg13
Another author screed
@Dr Skin, the dandy Nuka Cola caps.
gellaho
JD thinking, "yes, I have written a great speech here. I better comment on it"
Science God Q Alchemy
'timebto jerk myself off about how awesome I am"
Old Man Brendan
If it was meant to show Tyler's perceptive, cool. If it's meant to show Cord is talented, just let it ride, man.
Science God Q Alchemy
I'm guessing hawke is a right leaning libertarian based on these books, but I may be wrong
Dr Skin, the dandy
Do you think the author started a writing course a third of the way through book 3, and just started shoehorning and acknowledging concepts into it.
Science God Q Alchemy
But like, the politics on display are weird for a star trek fan right?
gellaho
You know what, just throw a prayer in there too
Old Man Brendan
Hawke predicted Trumpism and then embraced Trumpism.
gellaho
Why not
Science God Q Alchemy
This is buck wild
We learn more about hawke with each passing book
gellaho
This is the bad guy though
Tommyg13
They typed by instead of be.
Dr Skin, the dandy
"Nobody will fall for this"
Me, in 2016.
sensitive New Age jakesy
The classic Republican path
Dr Skin, the dandy
Fuck it's 1 am.
Tommyg13
@Dr Skin, the dandy I just noticed your avatar. Cool
@sensitive New Age jakesy art predicts life
Old Man Brendan
Don't you quit on us, England.
Science God Q Alchemy
It's the framing, he is portrayed sympathetically in motive and his motive is heavily explored. He also fixates on the medals and past heroism
gellaho
This is happening now
Old Man Brendan
This is your darkest hour.
Science God Q Alchemy
And he's as huge as the heroes
Tommyg13
What a nice post apocalypse
sensitive New Age jakesy
Yeah the global food supply chain really held up huh
Tommyg13
Bless his heart
Dr Skin, the dandy
Old movie posters lined the walls, like Goonies and Predator. You know, those ancient classics.
Tommyg13
Not to mention Caddyshack 2 and electric boogaloo
gellaho
I skipped some stuff. I think the Apocalypse Now reference was telling. I think he supposed to be a Colonel Kurtz type character
Dr Skin, the dandy
Can we find out how old the author was when he wrote this, this fucking ceaseless drivel.
sensitive New Age jakesy
The whores...the whooooeerrrrs!”
Tommyg13
@Dr Skin, the dandy chronologically or emotionally?
Dr Skin, the dandy
Jesus he watched the movie and just cranked out the whole book on speed didn't he. Stopping to masturbate.
gellaho
Why is this happening now
Dr Skin, the dandy
Chronologically, emotionally he is and was 15.
Tommyg13
Moistened lips. Take a shot
Dr Skin, the dandy
Moist. Lips.
Old Man Brendan
Okay, but why so much detail about Casablanca?
sensitive New Age jakesy
There’s no way JD Masters knows about Heart of Darkness I suppose
Dr Skin, the dandy
I think he has read.
Tommyg13
And this got published, you say
Old Man Brendan
I thought they already got divorced. Steele, you magnificent cad!
sensitive New Age jakesy
Donna...Kshir?
gellaho
This so far is just an excuse for him to be weird about women for no reason
Dr Skin, the dandy
Wait is Steele having a flashback
Tommyg13
@Old Man Brendan where would they find a divorce lawyer in the apocalypse
Science God Q Alchemy
It was a movie I bet he watches movies
gellaho
I don't know who Donna or this John fellow are
Tommyg13
Again with the whores.
Science God Q Alchemy
I bet hawke watches movies more than reads tbh
Tommyg13
@Science God Q Alchemy he moves his moistened lips to both
Dr Skin, the dandy
Isn't Donna his ex
Science God Q Alchemy
I mean, to be fair I watch a fuck ton of movies, but a novelist should read no?
gellaho
I have a feeling this is one of the other memories Steele has
Mostly because it involves the tragic death of children
Old Man Brendan
The rule of thumb in the Steele series is society works perfectly except where mutants and CHUDs show up.
Tommyg13
And he was banging Donna’s sister.
@Old Man Brendan Ah, convenient
Dr Skin, the dandy
Is the virus still a thing?
Maybe they should use more nukes.
Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD
it's like andrew clements said:
(paraphrasing) To be a writer, you first have to be a reader, and to be a good talker, you first have to be a listener.
gellaho
Yay, I win
Tommyg13
A dream flashback.
More moistening
Dr Skin, the dandy
A dream flashback of something that never happened
Fuckity I'm falling asleep #BOOKMARK
Science God Q Alchemy
Horrible technological homunculus
Old Man Brendan
Jonathan Steele?
Dr Skin, the dandy
With a grey flaccid penis
Science God Q Alchemy
Sweat is the first thing I'd get rid of as a cyborg
Tommyg13
With a human groin. Just the perfect target for his enemies
Old Man Brendan
If your wife calls you by your last name in serious discussion, the relationship is over.
Science God Q Alchemy
They already threw out his brain, what left does he have to lose?
gellaho
These are memories they had to complete Steele's brain with because he had brain damage
Old Man Brendan
Why is he Jonathan?
Ah
gellaho
It's like Jurassic Park, but even dumber
Not to say I don't like Jurassic Park, but the frog thing is dumb
Science God Q Alchemy
Maybe hawke forgot his name is donovan, that's also a possibility
Tommyg13
@gellaho Yeah, well science left the building in that movie ages ago, so why not?
Science God Q Alchemy
It's exciting reading a book where the writer forgetting his characters name is a distinct possibility
Old Man Brendan
Maybe they named him Donovan in tribute to his ex-wife.
Tommyg13
@Science God Q Alchemy continuity, it’s not a polite suggestion
@Old Man Brendan nah, too clever
gellaho
Anyway, Tracy is hiding out in a Denver strip club. So JD gets to be horny again
sensitive New Age jakesy
Glad to see the strip clubs have thrived
Science God Q Alchemy
I just
Tommyg13
Hey, nudies bars are eternal
Science God Q Alchemy
I give up trying to make sense of this apocalypse like fuck it it doesn't matter
gellaho
Science God Q Alchemy
Nothing matters anymore
Djonin Foxman
That brunette is fortunate to have enough food to be voluptuous
Old Man Brendan
The world's oldest profession is murderborg, and murderborgs must be kept happy with boobies.
The Bloodsucker Proxy
if there's no titty bars after the apocalypse then the survivors might as well just lay down and die
Tommyg13
He seems to look normal for a cyborg
Old Man Brendan
Hawke goes to strip clubs to write like most people do cafes.
sensitive New Age jakesy
I guarantee Masters just thinks that means “big titted”
Tommyg13
@sensitive New Age jakesy most likely
gellaho
OK, so this stripper is going to help out Tracy (who might as well be the protagonist at this point)
gellaho
He goes in the dressing room
gellaho
Then: magic
Science God Q Alchemy
Glad we discuss what her vagina smelled like
Crucial to know
Tommyg13
My bad. It’s Tracey, not Steele
Like it matters
gellaho
This is just pornography now
Djonin Foxman
Jesus
Science God Q Alchemy
I'm honestly disapointed he half assed it, it smelled sexy? Fuck you hawke
Old Man Brendan
They are definitely Bird Caging out of here.
Tommyg13
@Science God Q Alchemy yep, really moves the plot along
sensitive New Age jakesy
Lol
Djonin Foxman
I’ve read werewolf porn with sexier vagina sniffing.
sensitive New Age jakesy
Now that you’re trapped down here