8: Fugitive Steele J.D. Masters (Simon Hawke)

sensitive New Age jakesy

59 minutes to STEELE

Science God Q Alchemy

Fuck yes

gellaho

Your preview

Science God Q Alchemy

Wait, Steele killed people with his lasers in previous books

gellaho

Yes, with his arm cannons. His laser eyes are mostly for aiming

But I guess they can blind people now

Science God Q Alchemy

I thought he'd lasered at least one dude to death but I might be mistaken. Anyway this is some terrible prose, but not any worse than previous books. Why are they so overwrought?

gellaho

Just need to get used to Victor Milan's writing style

sensitive New Age jakesy

Breakout!

It would be nice if Steele actually uses some of his cyborg weapons finally

Bike Dancin' Greg

And the voltmeter!

Don't forget the voltmeter

sensitive New Age jakesy

They go to all this trouble outfitting him with future tech and the weapon he uses most is his cock

Human cock, I may add

gellaho

This prologue is mostly in italics, so I'm going to have a bad time

And I guess Steele isn't going to Florida anymore, but the Southwest

sensitive New Age jakesy

Oh no the Croatians figured out space travel

gellaho

I've never seen an entire page in Italics

sensitive New Age jakesy

Back in like 92 when they were still pretty much Yugoslavia too

Old Man Brendan

No no no, it's jjust Croatia got blown to hell and now orbits the earth with its own private weather.

gellaho

Our new boy got to the human dick on page 2

So does he need to rest? Does he need to eat?

sensitive New Age jakesy

Too clinical, Hunter. I need to hear about human cocks not “reproductive organs”

Old Man Brendan

...so who's oxygenating the meat?

GDC

that seems like a very personal question.

Science God Q Alchemy

Mentioning his human dick right off the bat

It's crucial to his character

gellaho

This second sentence is "They had done quite a job on him they had"

Old Man Brendan

Steele IS his dick. The brain and guts and heart are all machine.

sensitive New Age jakesy

The flesh of him

Oh no

Science God Q Alchemy

The soul is stored in the dick and balls

Old Man Brendan

that's a colloquialism I overemploy so I can't judge.

Old Man Brendan

Well tell your wife I need my soul back HEYYYYYY this guy

Alpha Scientist Javo

Ship of Theseus solved

answer is: dick

gellaho

This actually pretty hard to read

Science God Q Alchemy

I love the style of writing that's just breathlessly describing weird sci fi bullshit for no real reason

gellaho

"Even if the government of the no longer particularly United States said he was."

sensitive New Age jakesy

Why is it still in italics

gellaho

That's not English

Science God Q Alchemy

Once you replace the brain why even keep any if the old shit. Just go full android

gellaho

I'm not exaggerating, the entire page is italicized

Alpha Scientist Javo

I will say, despite it all, he does seem to be a better writer at least in a purely stylistic sense

Old Man Brendan

If you have no dick, what purpose will this vestigial personality have?

Science God Q Alchemy

ROBOT

DICK

Old Man Brendan

Isn't this a collab?

Science God Q Alchemy

So is he just summing up the series so far?

gellaho

It is not we've found out

Science God Q Alchemy

It's listed as one by some, but simon hawke has said it wasn't

sensitive New Age jakesy

Further research showed that JD actually had nothing to do with these last two books

gellaho

Absolutely

Old Man Brendan

"They just needed an excuse to hunt the very expensive supersoldier who was not a threat to them."

"They hunted that robot like an animal."

Science God Q Alchemy

I found an ama with Simon Hawke

gellaho

Hey at least he has himself for company in this... Future aircraft?

Science God Q Alchemy

"they were just looking for an excuse. It wasn't that steele had gone rogue twice, was wildly unstable and filled to the hills with deadly experimental weapons."

Why did he keep matrix?

Alpha Scientist Javo

Everyone I know is dead is a pretty good summary of the last few books

Old Man Brendan

"We're the same person, you and I, Donovan. I just became supercilious in the six months we've been separate."

sensitive New Age jakesy

Matrix just is. He exists on his own on the AOL dial up internet

gellaho

A couple of things. He wants his body back? How?

sensitive New Age jakesy

Every time you insert a free trial disk, that’s Matrix

gellaho

They can't give you your dick again Steele

Old Man Brendan

So now we know Hawke scorched the earth behind himself and left Masters only ashes.

Science God Q Alchemy

I'm curious what it is that keeps steele going at this point. At first it was revenge, then fucking his hot girlfriend. What is left for steele in this world?

gellaho

Also, the guy writing this is not American "A real pisser"

Science God Q Alchemy

Why? He got to keep the most important bit

Also his body was destroyed by gunfire

Old Man Brendan

These guys write American better than I write the British-Russo empire dialects that arose after the BioWars

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Wait, Matrix doesn't get a body.

Or it only gets someone else's body?

Alpha Scientist Javo

I like how there are airplanes and satellites but we still dont know if alaska is there

Old Man Brendan

Or he's from Maine. But now I am picturing Yorkie Steele and that's more fun.

sensitive New Age jakesy

Also he calls the aircraft “sensual” here on the bottom

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Cyberclone!

sensitive New Age jakesy

That’s gotta be worth something

gellaho

Matrix is telling Steele he can't get his body back

It's very confusing

Science God Q Alchemy

I can buy that. I bet alaska could just disappear.

Old Man Brendan

Steele prepared to engage in intercourse with the plane.

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Why would he?

Old Man Brendan

It melted.

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Hey, cyborg with human cock, do you want this corpse back?

Old Man Brendan

They should take turns.

sensitive New Age jakesy

“I am ready for the intercourse” he stated

gellaho

These might as well be completely different characters

Science God Q Alchemy

Future planes all have a special adaptor port, but only for robot dicks

Old Man Brendan

Get a few more bodies, and just pilot around like you're Jay Leno picking a weird car.

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Matrix is British now.

Science God Q Alchemy

Steele isn't ready to joke about his traumatic death yet

sensitive New Age jakesy

Like getting back to his human body was never his motivation

Why add that now

Old Man Brendan

I would be okay if you backed up my personality for a buddy cop/road trip hybrid comedy, but it is NOT OKAY if it calls me Brendan.

gellaho

We got to the plane crash quickly

not actually a Dr Mithritic

"Matrix, why are you British now?"

"I'm evolving Donnie"

Old Man Brendan

Haha, "Hey, you've got the computer talking completely differently here."

"Sorry, I'll edit it."

"Nah, just add a line to retcon it."

gellaho

If anyone has an idea what "cyanoacrylate" is, I'd love to hear it

sensitive New Age jakesy

I’m afraid this book is going to make me miss JD Masters

Old Man Brendan

"Just jack in and I'll set you free." said the computer, seducing himself or else preparing to sell him drugs.

sensitive New Age jakesy

Hawke wins in the end after all

not actually a Dr Mithritic

I'm just going to get a sandwich and check the door is...

BLACK

Old Man Brendan

Blue-yellow acrylate, obviously.

gellaho

At least we still get lip action

not actually a Dr Mithritic

It not good at holding countries together.

Old Man Brendan

By the end of the book, these two are going to be running a Wahlburger.

sensitive New Age jakesy

Fuck! I forgot to moisten lips in my draft

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

well that's a clunky-ass opening sentence

not actually a Dr Mithritic

This is worse guys. Not thematically, it's just way worse writing.

gellaho

Tits on page 7

Old Man Brendan

This is exactly like when Airwolf replaced Stringfellow.

Sabrina is falling back on her horrendous life of prostitution to remain calm in this sexual abduction.

not actually a Dr Mithritic

So when she thinks "figures" she means "figures my rapist is a virgin?"

Old Man Brendan

STRONG FEMALE CHARACTER

gellaho

Jesus

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Oh fuck no

gellaho

"She could have been a psychologist, also: great at suckin' dick"

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

god every other sentence I have to mentally backspace to understand what the fuck they're trying to say

not actually a Dr Mithritic

She took her decadence in little doses. So you still would...

sensitive New Age jakesy

Aaaaaaand we’re back! Prime Hawke right there

Old Man Brendan

"How do I make this woman trying to save her own life by pretending to go along with her rape sexy?" asked the guy brought in to replace the bad writer.

not actually a Dr Mithritic

I want to see the job advert for writing these books.

gellaho

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Pinned to just the maximum maximum sex criminal wing notice board.

"Wanted..."

sensitive New Age jakesy

She wasn’t skinny, but also not fat or plump

Old Man Brendan

"the rape victim was not skinny, but don't worry, she was not a fattie, you'd still be into this."

not actually a Dr Mithritic

She was CrossFit husky

sensitive New Age jakesy

They call her Newton because she defies physics

Old Man Brendan

"She was actually a Klein bottle, though few men would know her that way."

gellaho

Lips! Lips! Lips!

not actually a Dr Mithritic

At least she isn't barely 18 so far.

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

why is the writing just like, strictly worse. Not like, character/dialogue, I mean it's like some amateur hour shit I'd read on fanfiction.net

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Wait volcano dust?

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

like that whole middle section is a paragraph that's two sentences long and it's so clunky

Old Man Brendan

Smudged in the cement.

gellaho

Somebody broke open a textbook

sensitive New Age jakesy

Oh yeah there’s volcanos in the American southwest now

Old Man Brendan

She was a psych student, so she knew about the olecranon process, that bitch-whore.

not actually a Dr Mithritic

What is a condyle knob and why does he think his reader wants to have to break out an encyclopedia

Old Man Brendan

Don't worry, only skinny-fat hookers have them.

gellaho

Hmm

sensitive New Age jakesy

At least there are no more italics

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Ugh. He writes like me when I think you will know what I mean when I don't want to stop to search for a comma in my comma bag

gellaho

Meanwhile: Here's how sweat works

Old Man Brendan

The bottom-most of the laces that held the front halves of her top a hands-breadth apart.

gellaho

I think the names are gonna be real stupid in this one

Old Man Brendan

"Sign the contract," said Christian, broodily.

sensitive New Age jakesy

Yeah that sentence gave me a stroke

not actually a Dr Mithritic

The word for tonight's reading is "endure"

Old Man Brendan

I am, and there is years of evidence for this, a wordy over-writer. But I am no JD Masters.

I feel safe criticizing even in light of this.

evaporation causes cooling, it's true.

gellaho

Just keep introducing things without explanation

sensitive New Age jakesy

I think somehow EL Hunter is even worse than Masters and we’re only like 10 pages in

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

I'm so disappointed when I read something published and know I'm a better author

gellaho

It might be "pisser"

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

just like, grammatically

Old Man Brendan

I think this dude is writing an entire chapter by going through his notes from high school.

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Slaving tumbleweed is a pisser.

That's my new graffiti tag.

gellaho

So now there's an "ERUPTION" in addition to the Bio-War

Old Man Brendan

Biology first period (condyle), chemistry second period (evaporative cooling), english third period (syllogism)

sensitive New Age jakesy

Durga Dancers lol

That one is from Color Guard

His elective

Old Man Brendan

Oh this is before Albuquerque congealed.

not actually a Dr Mithritic

I thought the volcano ash thing was weird.

Old Man Brendan

This dude is writing Mad Max at Jabba's palace.

not actually a Dr Mithritic

He's going to retcon in Yellowstone or something

Old Man Brendan

In fairness, nuclear bombardment would probably trigger a few volcanoes.

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Oh by the way I have "Steele's body is in a Freezer" in the pool

gellaho

*my fat ass*

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Wouldn't it have cropped up

gellaho

I'm sensing a pattern

Old Man Brendan

It was a privilege to have the thing half the population was forced to do.

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Haha the authors fattie issue shall sustain me.

Old Man Brendan

I, too, am being worked to death by the dystopian remnants of American empire and worry about my ass getting fat.

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

has the writer ever spoken to a woman outside of a court room?

gellaho

There is so much happening

I don't even know where to start with this

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

another barf starting sentence

Bike Dancin' Greg

I have one in chapter 9

Old Man Brendan

Maybe he's worried about fatties because every sentence they appear in is run-on.

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Nest of chins is great. I'm lying horizontal with my head in the vertical plane right now. My nest of chins is resting on my clavicle.

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

did the Eye of Argon guy co-write this?

gellaho

Old Man Brendan

White supremacist obese religious nut is more of an Arizona thing, Masters.

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

"Jilly"

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Jilly was brown and the racist was fat.

Old Man Brendan

Rio de Grandero

gellaho

There are more

"The Trailer" are you serious

Old Man Brendan

in Steele's southwest, you're etiher a Hutt or a Twilek. There is no Bib Fortuna.

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Did he capitalise the trailer in error, or is it The Trailer. I hope it's the latter.

Old Man Brendan

I AM AWARE BIB IS A TWILEK, NERDS

gellaho

More fat

But, like, strong fat

Bike Dancin' Greg

So much jiggling in this book

sensitive New Age jakesy

Man this guy really has issues with fat

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Everybody's belly is jiggling and this is much more difficult than Hawke's writing.

Old Man Brendan

EDIT: reading comprehension

not actually a Dr Mithritic

He had a neck like a boar hog, and most of it was muscle.

sensitive New Age jakesy

Jiggling under his t shirt? How loose is this shirt

Old Man Brendan

"Everyone in the scene was at least 18, and fat."

not actually a Dr Mithritic

These books need to be graphic novels.

gellaho

Stop capitalizing words

Bike Dancin' Greg

A good author can make a character jiggle in anything. That's the first rule of writing.

gellaho

Apparently you can mistake a robot for an angel if you are hick enough in this dude's mind

not actually a Dr Mithritic

I believe him.

Old Man Brendan

This is so close to some kind of Dark Tower cargo cult.

gellaho

So, wait. They know what robots are but still thought it might be an angel

not actually a Dr Mithritic

This woman was taken slave by the weakest cult. I respect her less.

Old Man Brendan

Does post-nuke ABQ have hicks? Or are these like...lizard-jerky people?

Bike Dancin' Greg

And the pig eyes gleamed.

sensitive New Age jakesy

They’re the ones who put up the signs for Alien Fresh Jerky, for sure

gellaho

Boy, this sucks

not actually a Dr Mithritic

What is his name?

sensitive New Age jakesy

Brother Hunk is laugh out loud funny though

Old Man Brendan

There's half of a cool idea here, I'm not going to deny him.

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Such a wrestler name.

sensitive New Age jakesy

Not in the way the author wants it to be, but still

Old Man Brendan

Ultimate Murcan Jesus Wreckage.

We only know two things in this town, and until robots can be enslaved, neither of them is robots.

not actually a Dr Mithritic

So he is called Brother Skip, but wants to be called Brother Hunk and his real name is Hosea Coffin?

gellaho

This girl is asking for death

sensitive New Age jakesy

“And yea, on the 8th day, our plastic Jesus created Monster Trucks, for us to worship on SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY”

Old Man Brendan

But for clarity, he goes by Donnie Matrix

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

this book reads like it was procedurally generated by an Amiga getting revenge for too many games of Oregon Trail

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Or Steelio

Old Man Brendan

Then WHY was it unlike anything you've ever SEEN, Jilly??

Cybernetics student awed by first sight of cyborg.

gellaho

Why make robot in man shape

gellaho

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Oh this is fucking moronic.

Why is he even having this out?

gellaho

Lol, bicycle brigade

sensitive New Age jakesy

She only studied cybernetics because she didn’t get into Julliard’s puppeteering program

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

Idk, some people build humanoid robots, some people name their daughter "Jilly"

Bike Dancin' Greg

I don't really think of ant bites as clampy

More stingy

gellaho

Good lord

not actually a Dr Mithritic

You guys call your bum your fanny right?

sensitive New Age jakesy

If you’re like 80, yes

Or if you’re named Gertrude, whichever comes first

Old Man Brendan

An ant clamped on my foot when I was 11 but it was black, not red, so i can't speak to the metaphor. It was clampy though.

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Because I choked. That is a threat.

gellaho

Eu?

"Slavery really is making you crazy, grrrl."

Bike Dancin' Greg

Ok, I rescind my comment about ant clampiness

Old Man Brendan

This 100% tracks like a dude writing for 2000AD who has been asked to bring his talents to America and can't stop doing Dredd satire.

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Do you miss Hawke?

Old Man Brendan

The hate...beating off her...like heat.

Fingers crossed so hard Steele teams up with like his Kingsman counterpart.

gellaho

What the fuck are you doing, you weirdo

Old Man Brendan

Aluminium, I believe he's called

But with an extra, extra i

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Oh wait is this Steels partner?

Bike Dancin' Greg

Is there a rule in writing where you MUST have a simile or metaphor in every sentence?

sensitive New Age jakesy

I think it’s actual Steele

Science God Q Alchemy

For steele yes

gellaho

liiiips

She's really caught up on this efficiency thing

Old Man Brendan

The dried meat on the bones had an air of...she sniffed: jerky.

sensitive New Age jakesy

Worrying her lip with even white teeth

What the fuck are you talking about

not actually a Dr Mithritic

What the fuck, she doesn't have to be here? She can just go back to the enclave?

Old Man Brendan

Stalker is coming back at full Terminator tilt.

gellaho

Bike brigade! Bike brigade!

Bike Dancin' Greg

Why is this all still happening? I want to see Steele blast some Borodinis

sensitive New Age jakesy

Is the peen human though

gellaho

Used tire sandals

Old Man Brendan

Fun fact: robots don't have to use nearly as much energy standing up because they don't get tired or unconsciously shift their weight.

So efficient.

not actually a Dr Mithritic

The night congealed slowly in the dust that hung in the air

gellaho

Are there a lot of crips in Albuquerque

Old Man Brendan

They are at war with the Bloods of Wyoming.

sensitive New Age jakesy

Lol future post-apocalyptic crips

Hell yeah

Finally something good

not actually a Dr Mithritic

I'm hung up on night congealing slowly on dust. It may be brilliant.

Old Man Brendan

FN rifles?

I'm not against that imagery.

sensitive New Age jakesy

“Jilly c-walked past the Crips to show solidarity, flashing the west side W”

gellaho

I would just love to know what is happening

sensitive New Age jakesy

Isnt the fourth virus mutation just the pneumonia one

Bike Dancin' Greg

I'd settle for whatever it is to stop

not actually a Dr Mithritic

I feel the author has visualised something and written something completely different.

Old Man Brendan

...are the crips still on the hood when he drove away?