gellaho
Vietnamese comes out of nowhere here
Indigenous Vietnamese?
Does he know what Indigenous means?
#7 Steele
Vietnamese comes out of nowhere here
Indigenous Vietnamese?
Does he know what Indigenous means?
OH, your slur's okay because you use it for everyone.
I am setting such a whiplash from these setting changes
"not-white" I'm guessing
Why does he keep putting an accent on elite
This is how humans talk
loco weed
Here's another rapist
And he's dead
In the space of one page
Introduction -> Loco Weed -> Rape Threat -> Dead
why does he keep describing bullet wounds as blueblack
like, that one dude got choked until he turned black
which isn't a thing
As obviously a lieutenant as he was black
Loco weed what pastor calls the catnip
In the future, to survive, Black people have evolved from unmistakable to obvious.
These army men are humorously shooting each other through a house
Lol
Steele's arm shoots bullets? I thought he had like a 100-clip railgun and a laser. How many bullets can he have?
At least the last few pages have some Steele action and not just like shitty cult stories
Fuck you soldiers
specifically a 10mm pistol, which is like a supririsngly lame gun for a gunarm
It's finally getting GOOD
Armored car chicken
Hovercar's the easiest car to shoot
We've arrived at the enclave
One more chapter and I'm done for this week
Okay, I know what's up.
This is the part that Hawkemasters wrote.
I hate. HATE. That a main character is named Jilly
Oh shit
I am growing progressively more upset at the name Jilly
fuck
lol
Before he rage quitters
I was just about to say that. This writing feels completely different
Picnics!
BWAH HA HA HA
"his dick, gone. His organs, gone, his dick, gone"
Janet Virag
What is a man when you make him so much machine he can watch a coyote eat his dick?
Accent on the AG
my eyes just kinda glazed over at the gun descriptions
Considering Steele's entire head was robot before, I'm not sure why he couldn't talk this whole time
That’s for sure JD though
The gun porn is classic JDM
"be led to bed" oh god is Jilly gonna try and fuck a robo-skeleton?
Lets be real. Somehow Steele is gonna grow back his penis
and skin
Post Apocalyptic Hippies
We've seen the next book cover
He keeps talking about getting his body back, so I'm assuming
Even though that makes no fucking sense
This is all JDM. Not a simile or metaphor in sight
Yeah, she saved a tissue sample when she found him.
This goes on for a while
We call those people Taos residents.
Still paying lip-service to the Screamers
Steele's traded in for a younger model
Who's refining gas at this point and WHY in a lavamarshland
200 years younger
This is Dr Singh (really reaching for names). He somehow has a British/Indian accent
In this post apocalypse where they can't even get to California, Hawaii or Alaska
How are we supposed to know if Jilly deserves his love if we don't know anything about how she uses her teenage sexuality to draw attention away from her relatively small breasts?
Sounds like something Borodini and the senators would be into
I just assume Jilly works in HR and talks about how much she hates Monday’s
What are we at, 40 new characters?
Professor of arts & crafts
Back on the body part fixations I see
If this dude was a professor at this University when it was actually a university he would be over a hundred years old
This is basically a reboot
I love that description
We are back in New Author territory
I stand by my Airwolf comparison.
Sensitive New Age bear
This is idiotic. Singh could not be born in India
Also, calling India third world? Not great
The timeline of this entire universe no longer makes sense to me
do third world countries even make sense in the post-apocalypse?
Apocalypse Hippies
Me neither
Was there really a point where any of this made sense to you?
A gang rents city hall to your Sex slave cult neighbors and you surrounded yourselves with kerosene bombs for protection. Third world would be quite a step up.
The mustache twitched
The authorities are still looking for this dude? In a world where robots replaced cyborgs and then both vanished to the point of legend?
I like that we were dealing with Congress before and now we're dealing with a city council that has to rent space from crips
The Man with No Skin vs Mr. Skin
wow Jilly, that was... unnecessarily racial
Classic matchup
Why are these people explaining themselves to an antique robot, it's like walking Paul Revere through your battleplan.
New Age Machismo
"Hell yeah," Steele replied
ran them up your ying-yang.
Isnt Jilly a scientist
Brendan, I think you might have the timeline even more confused. It's been two years since his plane crashed
"Hi from New York. Please send back our murderborg when you see a break in the motorcycle gangs circling you.
and one year since a coyote canonically ate his human penis
Didn’t they say something like centuries have passed since Steele’s plane crashed?
Yeah but everybody's talking about Steele like he's a living legend and his complete files are public domain downloads in the non-internet like he's a frigging Compuserve disc.
Or did I just read too far into something
I think they said "This alliance has been in place for centuries" which threw me for a curveball
Ahhhhhh yeah me too
I thought this was taking place in like 2267
If it helps, two gay monks were boiled in a spring 24 months ago
the volcano that exploded his plane was 23 months ago
Ah ok. That makes more sense, but you know, things don’t always make sense here so I figured they were just going with the time warp thing
however, just before that his plane went through a wormhole to the year 3000
A lot of the confusion comes from how everything is so dumb and bad and confusing
"Being part of the government doesn't make you a good guy."
"Fascist!"
I do like how they resolved the loose plot thread of an evil organization in Florida with "I spent some time in Florida"
The Organization was defeated offscreen
Wait... its a post apocalyptic cult run by a tribal council but somehow the Albuquerque Police are still a thing?
Stop spelling elite like that
Don’t forget the Crips
There are like 15 different groups going on
I like how the level of surviving pre-war infrastructure basically changes page by page
Why is this happening
We have national news networks still but local city council buildings are controlled by 1990s California street gangs
There are still Senators!
I guess we'll end with the wimpiest apocalyptic hippie
I hope Houska dies from being a massive arrogant pussy
This book is so densely packed with stupidity
And then everything is just Mad Max for 2 dozen pages and then a chapter will order food from GrubHub
I would have usually finished the book. We'll pick up at pg 107 next time
This was a dense one
I didn't think it could get worse. This is so bad
Like, we are ten minutes past a rape army and this dude is acting like its unfeasible someone would DARE use a gun
It got fun for like 1 chapter
I think we know why it only lasted one more book
Which was probably the chapter Masters wrote before throwing up the twin birds and peacing out
"Its not even IN florida?? Fuck you guys, I am describing some guns and I am going home"
-JD Masters
Is it weird that I'm genuinely upset that the Steele legacy has been so tarnished?
"I don't want to write RoboCop, I wanna write Terminator 2 but with sexy and/or fat ladies." - SL Hunter
Eh I’m just treating it like a tv show that loses a main character and nothing really counts afterward
also a ninja whose power is showing her cooch
Like we all know canonically the series ended when Ice died
Let's not look back with Rose-tinted glasses. Those last two JD Steele books were boring as fuck
But, Jesus. That's a lotta dumb
I've said it before, I've said it again
https://donovansteele.wikia.com/
I haven't even updated my own Steele page
It's too hard since Ice died
This series is going off the rails
In my head canon Ice is a robot now
Ice is Metal Max
thats the twist
Steele will get his face back and Metal Max will be like... "STEELE???? DOES NOT COMPUTE!! WHAT IS THIS FEELING"
You guys remember the serial killer from the very beginning of the book?
oh no
Ugh is it Borodini
I don't know, that wasn't a set up. I literally stopped reading
It just didn't come up in 75 pages since then
Its so stupid you are absolutely right though
Like, its just the level of hack shit you would expect
I thought the serial killer would be connected to the cult
They did report that the lady died and was raped
And that it was related to some larger cult thing that never came up again
likely not in that order
Maybe in that order
The order is yet to be specified
It could go either way in this book
Those pro-government hippies vs. those fascist uh...individualist fugitives?
and strolling those Nuremberg Trails
There are scarecrows who scoff at Houska as a strawman.
How does Hunter take four pages to say what Hawke does in one paragraph, yet still cram 10x as much story in? Is it because he's not ruminating on whether Steele is a man or a machine?
Ok, I added that character you asked for "Houska, Scold of the Wasteland"
"Dammit Hunter, I said SCOURGE"
Surround self with gas bombs to secure your freedom of speech to bitch about guns.
Yes
Also, 40% of the book wasn't spent recapping the previous book
I didn't read anything about the Bio-War
Well you're a hero for posting it up here, and I think it's wise to break it in two or even three.
The whole cult angle was weird
I had to dip out for a bit so I missed the part where Lava Tits turned into a cyborg ninja?
I was wrong about her being a cyborg, she's genetically engineered. For now at least
Ahhhh
That makes more sense. She’s the “perfect human bred to take on Steele” or whatever
I think I'm going to pick up some more Hardy Boys books for some lighter reading
I wonder if the TimeWars books are going to be fun again
They seem like they'd be pretty dumb. Especially when he starts writing fanfiction about famous authors
Hell yeah
Get the chainsaw one
The only ones I remembered reading as a kid were the first one and the one where they are hunted for sport
Individually some of them probably have more potential than others
the one where they fight a wizard is probably solid
I partially just need to see Joe get injured some more
I just hate Joe so much
Hardy Boys for sure you’re rooting for the Hardy Boys to get hurt
The politics of Steele really are amazing
It seems like it was written by very dumb libertarians, which is a demo a lot if sci fi authors fall into weirdly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We now pick up on the adventure one week later
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tonight we shall complete FUGITIVE STEELE. We will finish the fight in approximately 1 hour.
Now, where were we?
Last time we finished with Steele hanging out at a university that was now called the "Enclave"
We resume our exciting adventures with cafeteria lunch
Between some ferns
We meet one of the 19 year old's friends. She likes her despite her face?
This is a very bizarre description
Lol
She’s an uggo but I guess she’s aight
This sounds like a lunch I would wait in line for
A racist and he talks like Dennis Miller? Sign me up, babe
This is the weirdest chapter of Sweet Valley High yet.
Alaska is a dark zone, but we have chocolate milk and money still matters.
You know, when I'm trying to seduce women I also like to say that they're sex slaves
I call it extreme negging
Goofus makes light of Jilly's time in the rape camps. Gallant brings it up only to share his condolences.
I truly do not understand what this guy is trying to accomplish
, babe
He. Keeps. Saying. Babe.
The newest fat lad decided to punch a robot in the jaw. I bet that'll work
So we're just in an '80s film where the dickhead rich jock is harassing young women, but suddenly a 50-year-old man in a robot skeleton is here to defend her honor with violence.
...is this a retelling of a Camelot tale?
This dude needs to lay off the $10 words
"Let me down, you pud!" cried the insouciant youth, "My dad is on the Blood Council!" but his pleas fell on anechoic ears.
He can't smell as well now that his skin is gone
But it's still better than the human sense of smell?
SL was very optimistic about the AIDS cure
This was written in '91. He figured we'd have that sorted out in the next 8 years
There's no reason they couldn't give him particulate sensors down to his lungs. Also, does he even have legs? Was his dick the only flesh part? He said he didn't need to eat, but how did he support his hu-man parts?
All excellent questions
Imagine if Steele got AIDS but it just sorta circulated around his navel.
He should still have the same legs he used to have. He was able to jump from large heights, so I don't think any part of them would be human
That would probably still destroy his torso, but I'll ignore that
19 year olds love to bite their lips for nanobots
Oh no, Steele's gone nano.
"Lt. Donovan Steele might not have a dick any longer, but he knew trouble when he saw it. The grey goo bit its lip seductively."
Something is going to have to explain how all these people made it to America in the post apocalypse
Also Eleanor's description makes me incredibly uncomfortable
hahaha
boy he sure does like pointing out black people
oh wait
its a new author, i forgot
Aaaaalllmost made it to the end before getting unnecessarily racial.
Bonded in their love for uncomfortable racism
and lip action
Steele's going to get his body regrown. I assume. He's very excited about it
wait, the old author did a few chapters right? Lips and racial recognition? This is a classic author chapter.
Simon Hawke said he didn't write any of this
All you need to write a Steele novel is an impractical ideology, a very '90s view of race, and a comfort with age-gap relationships among frankly vulnerable younger women.
I wish Steele's nysteel bones had turned into Ice
Steele or James Bond
Well it's cool that they're stem-celling.
Wait, what?
I didn't skip anything, that's the next page
lol Steele has Post Traumatic Coyote Disorder
Merciful heavens.
Steele's brain is all machine, but it stores dick trauma.
I got a band name if anyone is interested
This dude writes so weirdly
You know that feel when you think you can see someone's skull?
So I'm clear...the university people still meet with the religious rapists for like...city council meetings, right?
And the gang crashes them?
No, neither the university nor the blood cultists go to the city council
so there's that, at least.
The city council is five representatives for the five territories Albuquerque is split into, plus the crip controlled area
I think? There are so many fucking groups
I really wish he'd stop talking about skin tone
"Steele could tell by his robo-senses that there was a hot, young woman behind him"
This passage also contains:
1) More lip action
2) The second woman kissing Steele on his metal face
This man studies his sources.
Steele gonna get him a human suit
Nine yards? My dude, you just dropped 20 from the line.
He's back with his insane character titles
Who spells it "perq?"
The jerk-off motion is back, baby!
At that point, just say you're Team Anti-Fun
"The exploitation of women in our entertainment media." Entertainment media?
He's talking about the serial killer by the way. Being influenced by "violent media"
Somebody tried to kill councilman Miguel Mike!
Anybody remember Miguel Mike?
Oh, good. The Indian guy is literally wearing a turban
Jesus. The screaming peaceniks are back
What's a more extreme version of a strawman?
Shrill hippie defends capitalist child of privilege. What kind of apocalypse is this?
Mr Bravery here can’t face the coyote who ate his human penis
It is truly bizarre that he keeps describing skin tone
He's going to overcome his latraniphobia to save Jilly. The reward will be sex upon restoration of his human body.
He will also be 20-something again.
Somebody has said this ambulance trip is a trap 3 times. I wonder what's gonna happen
These are my prophecies.
I have no idea why this guy needs to drive down in the ambulance to pick this guy up
They're insisting the ambulance call is totally normal but also the hospital director has to go himself into presumed danger.
The math has to be wrong on this
Cory died when she was fifteen
Steele's plane crash happened 2 years ago
so it's been...four years between her death and the crash + 2 years powered down?
Yeah
I guess that was the exciting Florida adventure we missed
He sees his daughter now. But when his human dick is reinstated he will see...A WOMAN!
Jesus, lady
"Hey you think I can get in the plane?"
"FUCK YOU BUDDY. YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME!?"
Meanwhile: Tony Hawk's Pro Skater
The tone of this book swings so wildly. It's either two authors or one that tried to ape JD but could give a shit 50% of the time and didn't even try
Hot Sk8r Grrl
"This is a nice moment in a bizarre world--" And she dumps him for being attractive.
Fucking RIP
I like my reference points for mortar strikes to be based around inches from hipbones please.
Strong Woman = Screaming Vulgarity
At least she died finally free of her relationship with Ron.
Haul ass, you cunt (?)
Virag is just reminding Steele he no longer has a dick.
Everyone is either fat or hot
Is the one guy JD Hawke?
I read through but am confused, is Steele in full Terminator skeleton?
yes
I think I fell asleep last week.
Did matrix get a body?
Matrix is VANISHED
Wait, did they fuck?
Unless he's the Serial Killer
"Spotty Maintenance" on the satellites
No, Matrix turned into KITT except he was more Mr. Feeney.
He lost the Matrix after the plane crash
Phreaking phone sex. I'm sure that was real
Some poor bastard astronaut just circling the earth watching nukes go up