8: Fugitive Steele J.D. Masters (Simon Hawke)

gellaho

Vietnamese comes out of nowhere here

Indigenous Vietnamese?

Does he know what Indigenous means?

Old Man Brendan

OH, your slur's okay because you use it for everyone.

Alpha Scientist Javo

I am setting such a whiplash from these setting changes

Old Man Brendan

"not-white" I'm guessing

gellaho

Why does he keep putting an accent on elite

gellaho

This is how humans talk

Alpha Scientist Javo

loco weed

gellaho

Here's another rapist

gellaho

And he's dead

gellaho

In the space of one page

Introduction -> Loco Weed -> Rape Threat -> Dead

Alpha Scientist Javo

why does he keep describing bullet wounds as blueblack

like, that one dude got choked until he turned black

which isn't a thing

gellaho

As obviously a lieutenant as he was black

Old Man Brendan

Loco weed what pastor calls the catnip

In the future, to survive, Black people have evolved from unmistakable to obvious.

gellaho

These army men are humorously shooting each other through a house

sensitive New Age jakesy

Lol

Old Man Brendan

Steele's arm shoots bullets? I thought he had like a 100-clip railgun and a laser. How many bullets can he have?

sensitive New Age jakesy

At least the last few pages have some Steele action and not just like shitty cult stories

gellaho

Fuck you soldiers

Alpha Scientist Javo

specifically a 10mm pistol, which is like a supririsngly lame gun for a gunarm

Old Man Brendan

It's finally getting GOOD

gellaho

Armored car chicken

Old Man Brendan

Hovercar's the easiest car to shoot

gellaho

We've arrived at the enclave

One more chapter and I'm done for this week

Old Man Brendan

Okay, I know what's up.

This is the part that Hawkemasters wrote.

sensitive New Age jakesy

I hate. HATE. That a main character is named Jilly

Oh shit

Alpha Scientist Javo

I am growing progressively more upset at the name Jilly

fuck

lol

sensitive New Age jakesy

Before he rage quitters

Bike Dancin' Greg

I was just about to say that. This writing feels completely different

gellaho

Picnics!

Old Man Brendan

BWAH HA HA HA

Science God Q Alchemy

"his dick, gone. His organs, gone, his dick, gone"

gellaho

Janet Virag

Old Man Brendan

What is a man when you make him so much machine he can watch a coyote eat his dick?

Accent on the AG

gellaho

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

my eyes just kinda glazed over at the gun descriptions

gellaho

Considering Steele's entire head was robot before, I'm not sure why he couldn't talk this whole time

sensitive New Age jakesy

That’s for sure JD though

The gun porn is classic JDM

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

"be led to bed" oh god is Jilly gonna try and fuck a robo-skeleton?

Alpha Scientist Javo

Lets be real. Somehow Steele is gonna grow back his penis

and skin

gellaho

Post Apocalyptic Hippies

Alpha Scientist Javo

We've seen the next book cover

gellaho

He keeps talking about getting his body back, so I'm assuming

Even though that makes no fucking sense

Bike Dancin' Greg

This is all JDM. Not a simile or metaphor in sight

Old Man Brendan

Yeah, she saved a tissue sample when she found him.

gellaho

This goes on for a while

Old Man Brendan

We call those people Taos residents.

gellaho

Still paying lip-service to the Screamers

gellaho

gellaho

Steele's traded in for a younger model

Old Man Brendan

Who's refining gas at this point and WHY in a lavamarshland

Old Man Brendan

200 years younger

gellaho

This is Dr Singh (really reaching for names). He somehow has a British/Indian accent

In this post apocalypse where they can't even get to California, Hawaii or Alaska

Old Man Brendan

How are we supposed to know if Jilly deserves his love if we don't know anything about how she uses her teenage sexuality to draw attention away from her relatively small breasts?

sensitive New Age jakesy

Sounds like something Borodini and the senators would be into

I just assume Jilly works in HR and talks about how much she hates Monday’s

gellaho

What are we at, 40 new characters?

gellaho

Professor of arts & crafts

sensitive New Age jakesy

Back on the body part fixations I see

gellaho

If this dude was a professor at this University when it was actually a university he would be over a hundred years old

Science God Q Alchemy

This is basically a reboot

sensitive New Age jakesy

I love that description

Old Man Brendan

We are back in New Author territory

I stand by my Airwolf comparison.

sensitive New Age jakesy

Sensitive New Age bear

gellaho

This is idiotic. Singh could not be born in India

Also, calling India third world? Not great

Alpha Scientist Javo

The timeline of this entire universe no longer makes sense to me

GDC

do third world countries even make sense in the post-apocalypse?

gellaho

Apocalypse Hippies

gellaho

Me neither

Science God Q Alchemy

Was there really a point where any of this made sense to you?

Old Man Brendan

A gang rents city hall to your Sex slave cult neighbors and you surrounded yourselves with kerosene bombs for protection. Third world would be quite a step up.

sensitive New Age jakesy

The mustache twitched

Old Man Brendan

The authorities are still looking for this dude? In a world where robots replaced cyborgs and then both vanished to the point of legend?

gellaho

I like that we were dealing with Congress before and now we're dealing with a city council that has to rent space from crips

sensitive New Age jakesy

The Man with No Skin vs Mr. Skin

Alpha Scientist Javo

wow Jilly, that was... unnecessarily racial

sensitive New Age jakesy

Classic matchup

Old Man Brendan

Why are these people explaining themselves to an antique robot, it's like walking Paul Revere through your battleplan.

gellaho

New Age Machismo

Alpha Scientist Javo

"Hell yeah," Steele replied

Old Man Brendan

ran them up your ying-yang.

Alpha Scientist Javo

Isnt Jilly a scientist

gellaho

Brendan, I think you might have the timeline even more confused. It's been two years since his plane crashed

Old Man Brendan

"Hi from New York. Please send back our murderborg when you see a break in the motorcycle gangs circling you.

Alpha Scientist Javo

and one year since a coyote canonically ate his human penis

sensitive New Age jakesy

Didn’t they say something like centuries have passed since Steele’s plane crashed?

Old Man Brendan

Yeah but everybody's talking about Steele like he's a living legend and his complete files are public domain downloads in the non-internet like he's a frigging Compuserve disc.

sensitive New Age jakesy

Or did I just read too far into something

Alpha Scientist Javo

I think they said "This alliance has been in place for centuries" which threw me for a curveball

sensitive New Age jakesy

Ahhhhhh yeah me too

I thought this was taking place in like 2267

Bike Dancin' Greg

If it helps, two gay monks were boiled in a spring 24 months ago

gellaho

the volcano that exploded his plane was 23 months ago

sensitive New Age jakesy

Ah ok. That makes more sense, but you know, things don’t always make sense here so I figured they were just going with the time warp thing

Alpha Scientist Javo

however, just before that his plane went through a wormhole to the year 3000

Bike Dancin' Greg

A lot of the confusion comes from how everything is so dumb and bad and confusing

gellaho

"Being part of the government doesn't make you a good guy."

"Fascist!"

Alpha Scientist Javo

I do like how they resolved the loose plot thread of an evil organization in Florida with "I spent some time in Florida"

gellaho

The Organization was defeated offscreen

Alpha Scientist Javo

Wait... its a post apocalyptic cult run by a tribal council but somehow the Albuquerque Police are still a thing?

gellaho

Stop spelling elite like that

sensitive New Age jakesy

Don’t forget the Crips

gellaho

There are like 15 different groups going on

Alpha Scientist Javo

I like how the level of surviving pre-war infrastructure basically changes page by page

gellaho

Why is this happening

sensitive New Age jakesy

We have national news networks still but local city council buildings are controlled by 1990s California street gangs

Alpha Scientist Javo

There are still Senators!

gellaho

I guess we'll end with the wimpiest apocalyptic hippie

Alpha Scientist Javo

I hope Houska dies from being a massive arrogant pussy

gellaho

This book is so densely packed with stupidity

Bike Dancin' Greg

And then everything is just Mad Max for 2 dozen pages and then a chapter will order food from GrubHub

gellaho

I would have usually finished the book. We'll pick up at pg 107 next time

sensitive New Age jakesy

This was a dense one

gellaho

I didn't think it could get worse. This is so bad

Alpha Scientist Javo

Like, we are ten minutes past a rape army and this dude is acting like its unfeasible someone would DARE use a gun

sensitive New Age jakesy

It got fun for like 1 chapter

Alpha Scientist Javo

I think we know why it only lasted one more book

sensitive New Age jakesy

Which was probably the chapter Masters wrote before throwing up the twin birds and peacing out

Alpha Scientist Javo

"Its not even IN florida?? Fuck you guys, I am describing some guns and I am going home"

-JD Masters

Bike Dancin' Greg

Is it weird that I'm genuinely upset that the Steele legacy has been so tarnished?

gellaho

"I don't want to write RoboCop, I wanna write Terminator 2 but with sexy and/or fat ladies." - SL Hunter

sensitive New Age jakesy

Eh I’m just treating it like a tv show that loses a main character and nothing really counts afterward

Alpha Scientist Javo

also a ninja whose power is showing her cooch

sensitive New Age jakesy

Like we all know canonically the series ended when Ice died

gellaho

Let's not look back with Rose-tinted glasses. Those last two JD Steele books were boring as fuck

But, Jesus. That's a lotta dumb

Alpha Scientist Javo

I've said it before, I've said it again

https://donovansteele.wikia.com/

gellaho

I haven't even updated my own Steele page

It's too hard since Ice died

Science God Q Alchemy

This series is going off the rails

Alpha Scientist Javo

In my head canon Ice is a robot now

Ice is Metal Max

thats the twist

Steele will get his face back and Metal Max will be like... "STEELE???? DOES NOT COMPUTE!! WHAT IS THIS FEELING"

gellaho

You guys remember the serial killer from the very beginning of the book?

Alpha Scientist Javo

oh no

sensitive New Age jakesy

Ugh is it Borodini

gellaho

I don't know, that wasn't a set up. I literally stopped reading

It just didn't come up in 75 pages since then

Alpha Scientist Javo

Its so stupid you are absolutely right though

Like, its just the level of hack shit you would expect

gellaho

I thought the serial killer would be connected to the cult

sensitive New Age jakesy

They did report that the lady died and was raped

And that it was related to some larger cult thing that never came up again

Alpha Scientist Javo

likely not in that order

Science God Q Alchemy

Maybe in that order

sensitive New Age jakesy

The order is yet to be specified

It could go either way in this book

gellaho

Old Man Brendan

Those pro-government hippies vs. those fascist uh...individualist fugitives?

Old Man Brendan

and strolling those Nuremberg Trails

Old Man Brendan

There are scarecrows who scoff at Houska as a strawman.

How does Hunter take four pages to say what Hawke does in one paragraph, yet still cram 10x as much story in? Is it because he's not ruminating on whether Steele is a man or a machine?

Alpha Scientist Javo

Ok, I added that character you asked for "Houska, Scold of the Wasteland"

"Dammit Hunter, I said SCOURGE"

Old Man Brendan

Surround self with gas bombs to secure your freedom of speech to bitch about guns.

gellaho

Yes

Also, 40% of the book wasn't spent recapping the previous book

I didn't read anything about the Bio-War

Old Man Brendan

Well you're a hero for posting it up here, and I think it's wise to break it in two or even three.

sensitive New Age jakesy

The whole cult angle was weird

I had to dip out for a bit so I missed the part where Lava Tits turned into a cyborg ninja?

gellaho

I was wrong about her being a cyborg, she's genetically engineered. For now at least

sensitive New Age jakesy

Ahhhh

That makes more sense. She’s the “perfect human bred to take on Steele” or whatever

gellaho

I think I'm going to pick up some more Hardy Boys books for some lighter reading

sensitive New Age jakesy

I wonder if the TimeWars books are going to be fun again

gellaho

They seem like they'd be pretty dumb. Especially when he starts writing fanfiction about famous authors

Alpha Scientist Javo

Hell yeah

Get the chainsaw one

The only ones I remembered reading as a kid were the first one and the one where they are hunted for sport

sensitive New Age jakesy

Individually some of them probably have more potential than others

Alpha Scientist Javo

the one where they fight a wizard is probably solid

gellaho

I partially just need to see Joe get injured some more

I just hate Joe so much

sensitive New Age jakesy

Hardy Boys for sure you’re rooting for the Hardy Boys to get hurt

Science God Q Alchemy

The politics of Steele really are amazing

It seems like it was written by very dumb libertarians, which is a demo a lot if sci fi authors fall into weirdly.

FAST FORWARD

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We now pick up on the adventure one week later

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

gellaho

Tonight we shall complete FUGITIVE STEELE. We will finish the fight in approximately 1 hour.

gellaho

Now, where were we?

Last time we finished with Steele hanging out at a university that was now called the "Enclave"

We resume our exciting adventures with cafeteria lunch

sensitive New Age jakesy

Between some ferns

gellaho

We meet one of the 19 year old's friends. She likes her despite her face?

This is a very bizarre description

sensitive New Age jakesy

Lol

She’s an uggo but I guess she’s aight

gellaho

This sounds like a lunch I would wait in line for

gellaho

A racist and he talks like Dennis Miller? Sign me up, babe

Old Man Brendan

This is the weirdest chapter of Sweet Valley High yet.

Alaska is a dark zone, but we have chocolate milk and money still matters.

gellaho

You know, when I'm trying to seduce women I also like to say that they're sex slaves

I call it extreme negging

Old Man Brendan

Goofus makes light of Jilly's time in the rape camps. Gallant brings it up only to share his condolences.

gellaho

I truly do not understand what this guy is trying to accomplish

gellaho

, babe

He. Keeps. Saying. Babe.

gellaho

The newest fat lad decided to punch a robot in the jaw. I bet that'll work

Old Man Brendan

So we're just in an '80s film where the dickhead rich jock is harassing young women, but suddenly a 50-year-old man in a robot skeleton is here to defend her honor with violence.

gellaho

Old Man Brendan

...is this a retelling of a Camelot tale?

gellaho

This dude needs to lay off the $10 words

Old Man Brendan

"Let me down, you pud!" cried the insouciant youth, "My dad is on the Blood Council!" but his pleas fell on anechoic ears.

gellaho

He can't smell as well now that his skin is gone

gellaho

But it's still better than the human sense of smell?

SL was very optimistic about the AIDS cure

This was written in '91. He figured we'd have that sorted out in the next 8 years

Old Man Brendan

There's no reason they couldn't give him particulate sensors down to his lungs. Also, does he even have legs? Was his dick the only flesh part? He said he didn't need to eat, but how did he support his hu-man parts?

gellaho

All excellent questions

Old Man Brendan

Imagine if Steele got AIDS but it just sorta circulated around his navel.

gellaho

He should still have the same legs he used to have. He was able to jump from large heights, so I don't think any part of them would be human

That would probably still destroy his torso, but I'll ignore that

19 year olds love to bite their lips for nanobots

Old Man Brendan

Oh no, Steele's gone nano.

"Lt. Donovan Steele might not have a dick any longer, but he knew trouble when he saw it. The grey goo bit its lip seductively."

gellaho

Something is going to have to explain how all these people made it to America in the post apocalypse

Also Eleanor's description makes me incredibly uncomfortable

Alpha Scientist Javo

hahaha

boy he sure does like pointing out black people

oh wait

its a new author, i forgot

Old Man Brendan

Aaaaalllmost made it to the end before getting unnecessarily racial.

sensitive New Age jakesy

Bonded in their love for uncomfortable racism

gellaho

and lip action

Steele's going to get his body regrown. I assume. He's very excited about it

Alpha Scientist Javo

wait, the old author did a few chapters right? Lips and racial recognition? This is a classic author chapter.

gellaho

Simon Hawke said he didn't write any of this

Old Man Brendan

All you need to write a Steele novel is an impractical ideology, a very '90s view of race, and a comfort with age-gap relationships among frankly vulnerable younger women.

gellaho

I wish Steele's nysteel bones had turned into Ice

Alpha Scientist Javo

Steele or James Bond

Old Man Brendan

Well it's cool that they're stem-celling.

gellaho

Wait, what?

I didn't skip anything, that's the next page

Alpha Scientist Javo

lol Steele has Post Traumatic Coyote Disorder

Old Man Brendan

Merciful heavens.

Steele's brain is all machine, but it stores dick trauma.

gellaho

I got a band name if anyone is interested

gellaho

This dude writes so weirdly

You know that feel when you think you can see someone's skull?

Old Man Brendan

So I'm clear...the university people still meet with the religious rapists for like...city council meetings, right?

And the gang crashes them?

gellaho

No, neither the university nor the blood cultists go to the city council

Old Man Brendan

so there's that, at least.

gellaho

The city council is five representatives for the five territories Albuquerque is split into, plus the crip controlled area

I think? There are so many fucking groups

I really wish he'd stop talking about skin tone

"Steele could tell by his robo-senses that there was a hot, young woman behind him"

This passage also contains:

1) More lip action

2) The second woman kissing Steele on his metal face

Old Man Brendan

This man studies his sources.

gellaho

Steele gonna get him a human suit

Old Man Brendan

Nine yards? My dude, you just dropped 20 from the line.

gellaho

He's back with his insane character titles

Who spells it "perq?"

gellaho

The jerk-off motion is back, baby!

Old Man Brendan

At that point, just say you're Team Anti-Fun

gellaho

"The exploitation of women in our entertainment media." Entertainment media?

gellaho

He's talking about the serial killer by the way. Being influenced by "violent media"

Somebody tried to kill councilman Miguel Mike!

Anybody remember Miguel Mike?

gellaho

Oh, good. The Indian guy is literally wearing a turban

gellaho

Jesus. The screaming peaceniks are back

gellaho

What's a more extreme version of a strawman?

Old Man Brendan

Shrill hippie defends capitalist child of privilege. What kind of apocalypse is this?

gellaho

sensitive New Age jakesy

Mr Bravery here can’t face the coyote who ate his human penis

gellaho

It is truly bizarre that he keeps describing skin tone

Old Man Brendan

He's going to overcome his latraniphobia to save Jilly. The reward will be sex upon restoration of his human body.

He will also be 20-something again.

gellaho

Somebody has said this ambulance trip is a trap 3 times. I wonder what's gonna happen

Old Man Brendan

These are my prophecies.

gellaho

I have no idea why this guy needs to drive down in the ambulance to pick this guy up

Old Man Brendan

They're insisting the ambulance call is totally normal but also the hospital director has to go himself into presumed danger.

gellaho

The math has to be wrong on this

Cory died when she was fifteen

Steele's plane crash happened 2 years ago

Old Man Brendan

so it's been...four years between her death and the crash + 2 years powered down?

gellaho

Yeah

I guess that was the exciting Florida adventure we missed

Old Man Brendan

He sees his daughter now. But when his human dick is reinstated he will see...A WOMAN!

gellaho

Jesus, lady

gellaho

"Hey you think I can get in the plane?"

"FUCK YOU BUDDY. YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME!?"

Meanwhile: Tony Hawk's Pro Skater

Bike Dancin' Greg

The tone of this book swings so wildly. It's either two authors or one that tried to ape JD but could give a shit 50% of the time and didn't even try

gellaho

Hot Sk8r Grrl

Old Man Brendan

"This is a nice moment in a bizarre world--" And she dumps him for being attractive.

gellaho

Fucking RIP

not actually a Dr Mithritic

I like my reference points for mortar strikes to be based around inches from hipbones please.

gellaho

Strong Woman = Screaming Vulgarity

Old Man Brendan

At least she died finally free of her relationship with Ron.

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Haul ass, you cunt (?)

Old Man Brendan

Virag is just reminding Steele he no longer has a dick.

gellaho

Everyone is either fat or hot

Old Man Brendan

Is the one guy JD Hawke?

not actually a Dr Mithritic

I read through but am confused, is Steele in full Terminator skeleton?

gellaho

yes

not actually a Dr Mithritic

I think I fell asleep last week.

Did matrix get a body?

Old Man Brendan

Matrix is VANISHED

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Wait, did they fuck?

Old Man Brendan

Unless he's the Serial Killer

gellaho

"Spotty Maintenance" on the satellites

Old Man Brendan

No, Matrix turned into KITT except he was more Mr. Feeney.

gellaho

He lost the Matrix after the plane crash

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Phreaking phone sex. I'm sure that was real

Old Man Brendan

Some poor bastard astronaut just circling the earth watching nukes go up