8: Fugitive Steele J.D. Masters (Simon Hawke)

not actually a Dr Mithritic

I did fall asleep. Wait did he have MATRIX on CD? Please tell me he did.

Spotty maintenance of satellites

Old Man Brendan

You can't fit Matrix on a CD. Steele's personality is 28GB just for the fucking protocols alone.

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Haha? I've been reading these with you. What this guy has that we would call personality is max one song in memory.

Old Man Brendan

You could compress and run a low-fidelity Steele program that just kills people and wishes it could cry whiskey in 8-bit, but then you lose your VR chromium sex skin.

gellaho

Here's a list of names followed by a very weird ethnicity

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Ethnic Chinese Vietnamese?

Is this writer trying for diversity. Because this is superficially diverse as hell.

Old Man Brendan

Aw, they made a Captain Planet team!

gellaho

Randomly, New York bikers The Brood

Old Man Brendan

All you have to say is "Methhead Jeff" and we'd picture the same thing.

gellaho

T-bone and Scroag

In the morning

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Lissen. No lissen!

Old Man Brendan

Fuck you if you pronounce the T in listen.

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Lissen T-bone, I should be T-bone and you should be Scroag. Why, you even look like a Scroag.

Old Man Brendan

They get ecuadorian beer? I can't get Ecuadorian beer and I lived next to a distributor..

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Yeah, why the fuck is the beer Ecuadorian?

What's that got to do with anything?

Old Man Brendan

I don't even get Ecuadorian beer when I drink in ecuadorian neighborhoods.

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Give me some of that Honduran toasted cheese T-Bone

gellaho

Oat Willie and the Broke-Dick Biker Boys

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Oat Willie sounds like the Scottish pilot from mad Max already.

Old Man Brendan

I feel like collectively these guys are the weasels from Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

not actually a Dr Mithritic

I can only hear Oat Willie in one accent, a sort of southern accent where you breeze through Oat and stress the L in Willie

gellaho

I guess these drunk morons are launching the mortars

Old Man Brendan

DiStefano's a good man!

not actually a Dr Mithritic

I think the author can't make his mind up with these names. Is Vago a name?

gellaho

RIP

This dude loves introducing characters right before destroying them

not actually a Dr Mithritic

It's annoying.

I never thought there was value in creative writing classes. Now I think there may be.

Old Man Brendan

It's good for not letting you know who's going to die. it's meaningless when you meet everyone and then their story ends.

There is, just not in MOST creative writing classes.

gellaho

RIP Vago

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Where's T-Bone?

gellaho

"T-Bone's gun impotently jizzed at Steele"

Bike Dancin' Greg

I hate this author condescendingly explaining grenades to me for some reason. Maybe because of how dumb and poorly thought out everything is

not actually a Dr Mithritic

I feel you T-Bone. It's a terminator skeleton with weird sex issues.

Bike Dancin' Greg

Where does he get off thinking we don't understand grenades

Old Man Brendan

Jesus, what does T-Bone have to do to get this robot pregnant?

not actually a Dr Mithritic

I would have been running much, much earlier than T-Bone.

gellaho

It was a trap!? But there was no foreshadowing of that! Definitely not repeated exclamations of "It's a trap"

Bike Dancin' Greg

The very instant the unthinkable invincible nightmare shambled into camp?

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Yep.

Bike Dancin' Greg

This book is so dumb!

gellaho

RIP light-complexioned black man

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Also, limp piss-squeaking heap?

gellaho

I forgot how good these similes were

Bike Dancin' Greg

Hahahahahaha

So we've left Masters behind again

Maybe you didn't show it but I swear we had 30 pages without a single simile

gellaho

Not her legs and ass!

not actually a Dr Mithritic

She's not torn to pieces?

gellaho

It was very funny.

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Like if any ball bearing from a blast hit you, surely you die.

gellaho

Just some more of those similes

not actually a Dr Mithritic

It was very funny.

Old Man Brendan

The relentless killer known only as...Spud.

not actually a Dr Mithritic

This author is just a different smell of crazy.

Also why is everyone lobbing explosives?

gellaho

Fully automatic grenade launcher, huh

Old Man Brendan

They're playing this level on grenade launchers only.

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Why would he write that she was shooting dud grenades at people? I mean what reason? Why?

gellaho

She's still able to run despite her legs and ass getting claymored

not actually a Dr Mithritic

THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT WRITING!

gellaho

What a fantastical future

not actually a Dr Mithritic

you know what, BRINGBACKSIMONHAWKE.change.petition.org

Old Man Brendan

so they have internet?

not actually a Dr Mithritic

The ambulance looked like shit. He wrote that. Not in speech.

Old Man Brendan

I'm just going to say Virag caught some real end-of-velocity or ricochet bearings.

not actually a Dr Mithritic

The ambulance looked like shit.

gellaho

Similes forever

Old Man Brendan

ya know, an 80-year-old running uphill is specific enough.

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Damnit.

Fuck it.

Such a specific geographical reference

gellaho

First mention of Mr. Skin in about 100 pages

Old Man Brendan

The crips needed medical attention frequently, like one who gets injured in hazardous conditions.

not actually a Dr Mithritic

The ambulance looked like shit.

An author wrote that. In a book where he went on to describe the ambulance drivers voice with an age and mountain trail specific simile.

gellaho

This is just baffling

I don't know what he's trying to say

"She provided counseling, or murdered the fuck out of them"

"He perversely whipped criminals"

"They were good people though"

then, rectums

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

the politics of Steele is like a software glitch

it's chunks of incompatible but concerning beliefs sloppily blended together

not actually a Dr Mithritic

You just got dead.

If my children wrote this I would leave them in the woods.

gellaho

"Mr. Skin did everything"

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

this is just what albuquerque is like tho

this book alone is set in present-day albuquerque

gellaho

"Here is 5000 words to describe why nobody uses the jail. People will love it"

sensitive New Age jakesy

I’ve been spending all afternoon giving my team performance reviews and not participating in Steele, which is itself a travesty, but also in Steele’s world, a bad performance review means getting fed to the coyotes

gellaho

Excuse me?

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Wait, is this an optional jail?

Is he saying these gang members don't commit crime because the gang leader is scary?

Old Man Brendan

I hope your performance reviews account for each member's race, cyborg integration, and lip status.

Oh shit is Rebel Rogue's daughter?

gellaho

Any of you comic book nerds validate this X-Men

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Stop at X-Men.

Old Man Brendan

She has to be, right? Rogue and Gambit had a southern kid.

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Just say comic even.

Old Man Brendan

wait, I can account for this.

This book came out in 1992?

gellaho

'91

May '91

Old Man Brendan

....four months before X-men #1.

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Sorry we need to address this writing. Immediately after specifying the issue number and plot of this comic these two non characters are reading. Next sentence:

The six men burst through the door.

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

tight fit

Old Man Brendan

Assuming the books continued production through the nukes, the bio wars, and the screamer plague...the Steele novels take place in 2103.

not actually a Dr Mithritic

@Old Man Brendan

Fuck me. This was mad libbed.

2 authors just faxed each other sentences

gellaho

Similes

gellaho

Why did Steele go back to the school if he knows the ambulance got in trouble?

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Steele is a cunt. If he gives up Terminator-hood during an apocalypse, I will never forgive him

Old Man Brendan

UNLESS it's Uncanny X-Men, in which case the year is now....hold on, this gets confusing with title changes, but no earlier than 2070ish

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Nerd.

Old Man Brendan

We have not yet begun to plumb my nerdiness.

not actually a Dr Mithritic

@Old Man Brendan

Is there a Terminator graphic novel?

gellaho

Meanwhile

not actually a Dr Mithritic

"please say yes Malibu 2993"

Old Man Brendan

Yeah, Dark Horse got the license around the time these books were written and pitted him against Robocop and Alien, it rocked tits.

gellaho

This is so weird

not actually a Dr Mithritic

We are in some kind of Huckleberry fin land.

Old Man Brendan

Is she a dryad, spearing frogs with a trident?

gellaho

I need someone to verify what this says so I know I'm not having an episode

Old Man Brendan

We haven't had taut lips yet. this is character development.

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Oh that's golden

That's the best fucking thing I've ever read in my life. That's prose

Old Man Brendan

Wait is Mr. Skin carmen miranda?

not actually a Dr Mithritic

That should be pinned in isolation.

just following that up with "..the wax fruit piled on his head..."

gellaho

Old Man Brendan

"Come on, Masters, think....THINK! What's crisp? Crisp...crisper...I've GOT it! Gay celery!"

not actually a Dr Mithritic

That is not how you use yoo-hoo. If you have to use it at all.

Old Man Brendan

Dameron Crowe

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Who's this character. I don't remember him yoo-hoo.

gellaho

Boy, this sucks

gellaho

This dialog is sooooo gooooood

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Mr Skin's fruit wilts to reflect his emotional state.

Wait til the banana goes up.

Old Man Brendan

A little person sinking pool balls with his crutches is a vision, I'll give it that. But so was dante's inferno.

Man, the politics of ABQ would stymie Kissinger

gellaho

I'm counting 5 similes in here

Everybody gets one!

Old Man Brendan

What a fuckin' clown parade.

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Roll call for this book

That would be a thing.

Old Man Brendan

Your parents' cocktail party comes complete with squibs.

gellaho

These people are so unpleasant

not actually a Dr Mithritic

The author went to one contentious council meeting and was scarred.

gellaho

There is so much screaming, screeching, shouting

I hate it

GDC

Describing the woman as shrill is kind of telling on yourself.

not actually a Dr Mithritic

I haven't got a clue what's going on in there.

Old Man Brendan

I feel like everyone in this book is shrill

gellaho

shrill, hot or fat

not actually a Dr Mithritic

I want Skin to talk like a bunch of gay squirrels climbing a ladder. Then I want his real fox fur scarf to glance around curiously.

GDC

I also love the seemingly pointless italicized slur.

gellaho

Federal subsidies. Subsidies. Post apocalyptic subsidies

not actually a Dr Mithritic

What a boring motivation

gellaho

The federal government couldn't stop a military coup in Wyoming. You think they give a shit about Albuquerque? They can barely do anything in New York. where they live

GDC

I don't think that's how governments recognize authority.

Oh, you caught a criminal? Guess you're the mayor now.

not actually a Dr Mithritic

I don't think the government in these books can award subsidies.

What do any of these bullshit economies produce?

Old Man Brendan

The government's withholding aide unless you can bring back a robot that everyone knows never hurt anybody but one ship in the night character framed for political power.

GDC

The authors only occasionally remember this is supposed to be post apocalyptic.

Old Man Brendan

The government produces X-Men comics, for a robust trade in ecuadorian beer.

It's a VERY small economy but it's thriving.

gellaho

So is he an unstoppable killer or a compassionate warrior?

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Except reasonable satellite maintanence, A.I and cyborgs, and the ability to clone organs in hours.

Old Man Brendan

Occasional stops in Brazil for gameboy cartridges full of porn

gellaho

You gotta be fucking kidding me

not actually a Dr Mithritic

I know these metal skeleton with laser eye types, they're all the fucking same.

Old Man Brendan

Steele is weak, except where he's a killer who relishes violence. These people don't know his MULTITUDES, man!

No one knows, what it's like...to be a ROBOT

To be the SSD one

not actually a Dr Mithritic

This book makes me want to cut calories and do planks

GDC

He's completely unique, but also recognizable as a 'type'.

not actually a Dr Mithritic

The world is run by men with guts.

Old Man Brendan

That's why Steele, lacking ANY viscera, is the biggest threat to their authority.

gellaho

I hate SL Hunter so damn much

not actually a Dr Mithritic

It's worse somehow. And these are the worst things anybody has ever shown me.

gellaho

Are you expecting to capture him or not?

What they want to do, what they think, everything is flying in every direction

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Weird fucking belly hang ups and then, detail about explosives.

Old Man Brendan

These groups just spent an hour bombing the shit out of each other's children and NOW comes the diplomacy scene.

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Hawke was a guy toying with age of consent issues.

This guy is a body shamed poet planning an act of terrorism though.

Can you imagine the shit talk between these literary heavyweights?

gellaho

There are too many people in this book

Remember: There was a volcanic explosion twice the size of all the nukes

two years ago

Old Man Brendan

Albuquerque is the North Korea of Steeleworld

They're all guns, no butter, and just looking to the US Feds for a handout

gellaho

after a virus and biowar killed 75% of the Earth's population

There should be like 2 people in New Mexico, tops

Old Man Brendan

Aragon held by the bow and the sword of his fathers. fifteen generations of his line had held fast by Riorun

Old Man Brendan

Both of them overly tanned divorcees with bone-blonde short-crops.

gellaho

Ugh

Really? Parasol

Old Man Brendan

That arroyo sun's a killer.

gellaho

Time Magazine still out there

Old Man Brendan

I really stand by my "2000AD author" theory.

gellaho

Only the post apocalypse could save print

Old Man Brendan

Well it's the one periodical the Screamers can read.

gellaho

The race stuff is so weird

Old Man Brendan

Just once I want to read a book that says a French

sensitive New Age jakesy

A Vietnamese

gellaho

Do you get it? He's Vietnamese

Old Man Brendan

Although I guess an American is double-duty.

Who are they even bombing?

Is this all a metaphor for Vietnam?

gellaho

Do they have Jesus cults in Vietnam?

I think the word problematic was invented for this section

Old Man Brendan

Shout out to the crips who are progressive enough to follow an openly gay man in Carmen Miranda drag these days unless it's red.

gellaho

Who knew this shrieking pansy would be a bad guy

gellaho

I am very interested in the legitimacy of the Albuquerque government. Said no one

Old Man Brendan

I feel like I agree with everything Dr. Houska thinks and would absolutely befriend Hunter Snipekowski just because we both hate Houska's guts and just want to drink beer in peace.

He's like a smarmier, non-confrontational Alec Baldwin.

gellaho

The city council murdered and captured members of our enclave, but they're reasonable

Unlike that robot that... Exists

Old Man Brendan

The university-hospital needs to argue not to the religious kooks or the gang, but the city council, that they should exist.

Bike Dancin' Greg

I love that the volcano had nothing to do with the rest. Like the first 4 apocalypses were different viruses

Old Man Brendan

Hey, in 1991 you don't change what you've already written. Your Selectric typewriter can't process that many words.

gellaho

SL Hunter can write the most contemptible man ever

Alpha Scientist Javo

I love that the greatest villain of this novel is a pacisifst

Old Man Brendan

We're just glossing over that he brought Jilly back with tales of harrowing escpae from sexual assault?

"everybody knows our Jeff, let's have a big hand for him now." Oh, FUCK YOU, Left-Wing Trump.

Bike Dancin' Greg

I have such a hard time picturing steele as a goofy shambling skeleton man instead of our grimacing hero :SteeleYourself:

gellaho

Jesus. These hippies are the worst

SL Hunter, you can only make me feel rage

But different kinds of rage

Old Man Brendan

Hippies are always the worst people in the room.

Alpha Scientist Javo

This is hitting some serious late Sword of Truth level vibes

Bike Dancin' Greg

I'm so lost by all the factions and characters in this insane government

Old Man Brendan

Hippies are like "Burn it all down, man," but they have no proposed replacement except armpit crystals and not enforcing the chore chart.

gellaho

"Like a penny tossed in lava"

And a weird amplifier

Old Man Brendan

The specter of the volcano looms large.

Alpha Scientist Javo

You know, if step back and really think about it, saying Steele is a violent maniac who brings doom everywhere he goes is not wrong

gellaho

Boy, do I hate all of this shrieking

Old Man Brendan

I'm gonna say it: they should all move. There's no point to this. They should band together, withdraw to Espanola, and just send teams to stripmine the city for valuable materials.

Old Man Brendan

But it's correlation, not causation. The politics were boiling over anyway.

Alpha Scientist Javo

If this were written a generation later he would be attacked by literal social justice warriors

Old Man Brendan

Christ, it's Anne again.

Alpha Scientist Javo

For the love of our community and Mother Earth screamed the least subtle satirical strawman ever

gellaho

Security is on his side. Make sure to mark everyone's ethnicity

Old Man Brendan

You guys are going to flip when you realize every one of these characters is extrapolated from an episode of Family Ties.

She's biting that lip.

What does the city council see as its responsibility if not to mortar all factions of its citizenry?

Alpha Scientist Javo

with the level of ethnic sensitivity in these books I am surprised its not the "sacred grenade launcher of my ancestors"

Old Man Brendan

"The woman's proud eyes flashed. Surrender her weapon? He might as well ask her to lie down and die. And yet...did the ancients not speak of a man who was more and less than man both?"

gellaho

"He grinned wolfishly beneath his moustache"

Old Man Brendan

"Steele accepted the proffered grenade launcher. 'Ahehee' he whispered through his voice modulator."

Alpha Scientist Javo

The legends speak of the man with a shining skeleton, known in her tribal tongue as Dick-Eaten-by-Coyote

Old Man Brendan

You win.

Alpha Scientist Javo

Its a group effort

Old Man Brendan

Just leave the first nations out of this book, haven't they suffered enough?

gellaho

The peacenik's unbeatable plan has been foiled

by GUNS

Old Man Brendan

All peaceniks are closet murdermongers.

how far away is Houska?

Did he just land a full clip in Steele's face from far enough away to avoid ricochets?

Alpha Scientist Javo

I feel like there is a message in all of this the author wishes to impart

Old Man Brendan

"Guns good but violence not good"

gellaho

Maybe Mr Skin had a harem. Then again, maybe not

Alpha Scientist Javo

Aside from the cross dressing

Old Man Brendan

I can perfectly accept Mr. Skin might be straight, bi, or "let me elaborate" but I AM surprised Hunter can.

gellaho

You'll never guess, but he just introduced two gang members. One of them immediately died

Old Man Brendan

IMploded?

Alpha Scientist Javo

remember, this was in the 90s when the only genders were man, woman, and villain

Old Man Brendan

Steele out here, "I am not the monster you think me to be!" before squeezing a teen's head into shards.

gellaho

Ol Dameron is going to help Steele out. I guess

gellaho

Too bad Steele murdered that guy for no reason then

When he hit the middle of Fruit?

gellaho

Murder similes

gellaho

He loves saying guns cum

gellaho

Steele has murdered all without much struggle

gellaho

Thrilling

gellaho

Here comes spud out of nowhere

gellaho

Apparently the movie Heavy Metal is a cultural touchstone in the future

gellaho

For young people?

I think this guy forgot this takes place in the future

Deus Ex Crutch

gellaho

For some reason his skin loss has made his peripheral vision worse

gellaho

Mike Mike is very excited about shooting his gun

gellaho

The crutch is a rifle

gellaho

We're truly in dumb country

This will officially make it really creepy if these two fuck

gellaho

Two pages later, Jilly is fine

Bike Dancin' Greg

Why can't I crrrryyyyy

gellaho

This has all the tension of a Hardy Boys book

Alpha Scientist Javo

what the fuck

Bike Dancin' Greg

So dumb

They could have just... not had her get shot in the chest 3 times?

gellaho

Steele has his lips back

Bike Dancin' Greg

What

About

His

Dick?

gellaho

In case you forgot about the jerky she practically licked

gellaho

He has real skin

gellaho

But he still has his robot brain and skeleton

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

he's a real boy again

gellaho

There's nothing explicitly about his dick, unfortunately

And don't forget about lady ninja

And I guess that's it

Kinda feels like there are a lot of loose ends

GDC

Wait, so he has muscles that are made out of meat but it's his skeleton that makes him super strong

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

i can kinda see how that works, a little

Bike Dancin' Greg

I... can't?

GDC

So if his bones are providing the forces (through, like, joint motors?)

Bike Dancin' Greg

Like does he have nerves and stuff that somehow connect to his computer brain?

gellaho

There's the cult still out there

Like five council members

The air force is going to be pretty pissed about they're people getting destroyed

The crips and Mr. Skin kind of just disappeared

And that serial killer

Remember the serial killer?

GDC

Would he get ripped that way?

gellaho

Well, that was terrible

Terrible like a sandwich that has been in the trash for 3 days and baking under the suns rays

That was my attempt at a Hunter simile