8: Fugitive Steele J.D. Masters (Simon Hawke)

gellaho

I should be clear, the woman who is about to have a threesome with the fat cult leader is some redhead named Jolene

Jilly is 19, more good news

Science God Q Alchemy

Goddamn it. I begged her not to take my man

Science God Q Alchemy

God this writing is just, a plus. No notes, this is perfect

Old Man Brendan

Jolene from the song.

gellaho

This is a bold move

Old Man Brendan

Jilly, just BUILD A KILLBOT

Science God Q Alchemy

That is what the song is about if you think about it.

gellaho

Yeah, doesn't end well

Science God Q Alchemy

Where are we going with this book?

Old Man Brendan

They threw her in a room with Alan Dershowitz

sensitive New Age jakesy

It’s quickly turning into the White Stripes version of Jolene

gellaho

fuck if I know

Old Man Brendan

Maybe we'll get lucky and it will become the Spring Heeled Jack version of Jolene

I was promised Steele, this is hostile.

gellaho

I feel like the cheese metaphor is a little too goofy here

sensitive New Age jakesy

Lol

That last sentence owns

Science God Q Alchemy

This book is so obsessed with her ass

sensitive New Age jakesy

Way too cheesy but Jesus

Science God Q Alchemy

Can they hire a non pervert to write this series next?

gellaho

How does she know about a biker gang from New York

Old Man Brendan

so uh

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Absolutely not

Old Man Brendan

She ONLY got caned, right?

Science God Q Alchemy

So far yes

But I worry what's coming next

Old Man Brendan

whew

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Yes. Because my brain asked the same question and came with, she seems ok?

sensitive New Age jakesy

She’s got two cheese wheels hanging out of her shorts though

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Blue veins?

gellaho

Hey, don't kiss the robot

sensitive New Age jakesy

Lol

She felt the presence of a human peener

Wait

Old Man Brendan

I haven't typed the word "rape" this much since I had to write that story about therapeutic massage with grapes and rapeseed oil.

sensitive New Age jakesy

If Steele is mummified now, does that mean that

not actually a Dr Mithritic

She really extrapolated the memory of a typewriter doohickey.

Science God Q Alchemy

The mouth moved, it was trying to say something. It moved slowly but she could make out the words .

sensitive New Age jakesy

His ween is no longer human!?

Science God Q Alchemy

"more tongue"

Old Man Brendan

It was just terrible what happened at that parlor.

gellaho

Is there a Las Vegas, NM?

Old Man Brendan

"Call me...Daddy...Matrix..."

BEEP boop bip calculating erectile power levels

There is!

Science God Q Alchemy

Editor missed that one

Old Man Brendan

it was super confusing when I visited: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Las_Vegas,_New_Mexico

gellaho

Uh oh

not actually a Dr Mithritic

He gobbled.

Old Man Brendan

This is one goofy rapist.

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Try to say "ooh baby, c'mon" like a turkey

gellaho

This is terrible, but I laughed at "my whole body's a lethal weapon"

Science God Q Alchemy

...

gellaho

Good news though, Steele woke up

Science God Q Alchemy

Good of the main character to make a cameo in this book

Old Man Brendan

Max is short for Matrix, it's the future's future and everything sucks.

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Metal max is such a shit moniker. It has no excuse. Not even as a placeholder.

gellaho

There isn't context for this

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Brilliant.

Science God Q Alchemy

Oh, huh

Old Man Brendan

Why is the rumor a natural disaster instead of two lightweights frog-boiling?

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Strong move.

Specifically 30 months ago. Two priests who were specifically gay, died in an accident. The rumours have not been about anything except steam mechanics in hot spring vents.

gellaho

Reporters? University researchers? What

sensitive New Age jakesy

State welfare officials

From the government

Welfare department

Your tax dollars at work

gellaho

This writing is incomprehensible

Although I finally figured out that the volcano eruption 2 years ago is what destroyed Steele's plane

So that's fun

Old Man Brendan

does the lava not cool and if not, how are these people alive upon such earth?

gellaho

Is this some avant-garde writing style

So project download is completely gone now

If this had the force of double all the nukes how is anyone alive

Old Man Brendan

I fucking hate Steele 2099 + 300 I want off of this future.

Science God Q Alchemy

Man this book fucking sucks

gellaho

Lol what

sensitive New Age jakesy

Hunter just burned down all of Masters’ work

GDC

gotta kick things off with a second apocolypse

maybe this one will have consequences

Old Man Brendan

So we all agree Masters rage quit and Hunter had a completely different script half in the hopper he barely tooled?

sensitive New Age jakesy

He loves talking about rumps and buttcheeks though

@Old Man Brendan

So we all agree Masters rage quit and Hunter had a completely different script half in the hopper he barely tooled?

sensitive New Age jakesy

100%

gellaho

I think Hunter was making a jerk off motion. But not in the air

Old Man Brendan

Now it's a Karate Kid porn parody.

Jokes on you, lady, all the bonsai are dead.

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

had to get a mention of her tits though, just 'cause

gellaho

Noooooooooooioii

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

oh come the fuck on

gellaho

He does

Old Man Brendan

This is why I don't build volcanoes in the shower anymore.

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

how far is she from this lava?

Old Man Brendan

So much for her all-important scarless flesh.

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

she should be a boiled flesh potato

writers have no sense of convection

Science God Q Alchemy

The word jism is terrible

Old Man Brendan

You'd think, but this fumarole actually exploded an hour ago, so very little output.

@Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

she should be a boiled flesh potato

gellaho

I'm pretty sure this is the lady robot ninja

I didn't think the lady robot ninja would be white, but I guess that's my bad

Put the thesaurus away

Old Man Brendan

Her nipples are brown, so it's possible she's one of the godless non-fats.

wait wait wait

Now we're in the future's future's future dreaming of the future's future as a past remembrance?

gellaho

What a simile

not actually a Dr Mithritic

The style here has braked hard and turned.

Old Man Brendan

Looks like the bronco finally got tuckered out at the clause rodeo

gellaho

These similes are great

Science God Q Alchemy

I sometimes think professional writers should be forced to write without using a similie or metaphor for a while before they're allowed to write books. Then they might learn when and when not to use them

not actually a Dr Mithritic

The voices sounded like what now.

gellaho

You shouldn't directly call out the thing you're ripping off

not actually a Dr Mithritic

The machine killed someone"oh not just a machine" what? Is he still covered in burned beef jerky skin? What the shit is this?

Old Man Brendan

Did we just hang out with both of these idiots and find out every detail about them for them to die like parked teenagers in Zodiac country?

Berserkers are ALL soul.

gellaho

Alright dude, this is cartoonish

Science God Q Alchemy

Man I think finding the movie terminator would be the most depressing in a post apocalypse

Old Man Brendan

At least his lips are moist?

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

bullshit K-mart operates in the post-apocalypse

Old Man Brendan

These Coffins are cagey, but they made one mistake. They brought a plastic Jesus to a Terminator thunderdome

Science God Q Alchemy

This guy writes like a man with a severe head injury

gellaho

This is bold by the fat lady

Old Man Brendan

Dennis Miller, pulp novelist

sensitive New Age jakesy

Lol lava tits over here

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Soft iceberg in salmon dress.

Old Man Brendan

Why do we care what she's wearing at this point?

gellaho

It's like he's trying to win a bad writing contest

Science God Q Alchemy

Why do so many writers seem to refuse to write simply?

gellaho

And he did just beat that woman with an arm

someone else's arm

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Maximus rex, just Kung Fu chopping bullets out of the air

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

why use ten words when one hundred will do?

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Maybe he was paid by the word.

Old Man Brendan

This prose isn't purple so much as ultraviolet.

Science God Q Alchemy

You can put the flowery similies away and just say "she pulled out a gun and fired" like you don't need to overdo every goddamn sentence like this

Old Man Brendan

This video game just got good again.

Science God Q Alchemy

I swear to God this asshole uses a similie every other sentence and if he doesn't stop I'm gonna track him down and fuck his dad

gellaho

I think hunk might be done for

Alpha Scientist Javo

hey guys I just came back and I want to make sure we all are still aware this dude said "Earth's Hot Jism"

Old Man Brendan

The writer employs simile like a soft-boiled egg slowly tilting out of the oblong end of its shell, carefully onto cracked multigrain toast, just on the medium side of black, and which is then gladly smeared across the page/toast/wait I'm hungry.

Science God Q Alchemy

If you wanted to turn him to your side maybe don't brutally slay his family.

gellaho

I think he might be might be fucking with me now

not actually a Dr Mithritic

Yeah the volcano came on her and she was all coy about it.

Science God Q Alchemy

I will not be forgetting that any time soon

gellaho

"The boy who would be hunk" makes me suspicious

Old Man Brendan

Shot that robot right in its metal bones

Science God Q Alchemy

Shooting the robot is a rookie move

Old Man Brendan

gellaho's status is don't open your eyes, and I think we all failed to listen.

gellaho

Get owned kid

Old Man Brendan

Skip Hunksea: Survivor

Science God Q Alchemy

Hope revenge of the nerds malboro man is going to be okay

Alpha Scientist Javo

Total chad move handing a kid his brother's own arm

Old Man Brendan

In front of his crush, no less.

Why don't you just hang a sign on him that says UNFIT TO REPRODUCE

Science God Q Alchemy

Fuck man, cuck cowboy over there can never show his face around her again

gellaho

Steele's throwing ladies

Science God Q Alchemy

Nice throw dickhead

The goal was to not get cut by razorwire

gellaho

I like that he just threw her over the fence before ripping it open and walking through

Science God Q Alchemy

THIS IS COYOTE COUNTRY ASSHOLE

gellaho

total dick move

Science God Q Alchemy

Steele is an asshole

Alpha Scientist Javo

Is Max a bad ass or all his enemies idiots

gellaho

Fuck, this is incomprehensible

sensitive New Age jakesy

Max is just Steele without his human penis

Old Man Brendan

What was his plan if she didn't have an innate knowledge of gymnastics

Alpha Scientist Javo

I feel like the old guy never went on long monologues likes this. The old guy felt much more right to the fucking and the shooting

Science God Q Alchemy

Man, sick burn to whoever this was meant to be aimed at.

Science God Q Alchemy

He did occassionally but he was less long winded

Between these two extremes is a writer with a borderline level of competence

Old Man Brendan

this guy gets America while also wildly overstating America

gellaho

Back to goofy nonsense

Old Man Brendan

Steele's body lay fallow for eons until some dipshit kid aftermarket tricked him out like a used Civic

gellaho

Steele shouts in laser words

sensitive New Age jakesy

Hell yeah Steele is back baby

Old Man Brendan

Picture you don't know anything about anything.

Science God Q Alchemy

I love how him being steele is presented like some kind of reveal

Alpha Scientist Javo

wait I was gone for a bit and just came back why is Steele talking in Caps lock

sensitive New Age jakesy

Because this guy is even more of a hack than the last guy

Science God Q Alchemy

Bad writing

Old Man Brendan

All you know is a young woman escaped the Plastic Jesus Slave Spank Cult thanks to a T-100 and then you find out the murderbot is named MR STEELE.

gellaho

Imagine writing this in laser lights

sensitive New Age jakesy

For a couple of centuries huh

Old Man Brendan

"Hello, my tautly fleshed friend, I am your robot savior. My name? Why, gladly! I am Mr. STEELE."

Alpha Scientist Javo

I mean the other dude is named Metal Max

Science God Q Alchemy

They are the same guy

Bike Dancin' Greg

I am caught up and holy fuck, similes

Alpha Scientist Javo

wait hold on

Old Man Brendan

Is Striker alive?

Alpha Scientist Javo

centuries? Fuck I need to go back and see what I missed

Bike Dancin' Greg

I thought it was 2 years?

gellaho

Fuck no, Steele caved his head in with his metallic fists

it has been 2 years since a volcano exploded with the force of double all the nukes

Science God Q Alchemy

You missed the hills have eyes written by a dickhead

Old Man Brendan

I would laugh my nysteel off if Striker were out here Daken-ing around.

Alpha Scientist Javo

no seriously someone tell me why centuries have passed and Steele talks in lasers or at least tell me where to scroll up to

Old Man Brendan

He died in the desert and turned to jerky. Now this is either steele or matrix repaired by Jilly the Spank Slave.

Bike Dancin' Greg

It is because of bad writing

Science God Q Alchemy

Steele got owned by a volcano and found by a slave owned by cultists who also happened to be a scientist and a hot redhead

Also second apocalypse happened

Old Man Brendan

Hot redhead is redundant, as is scientist redhead.

Science God Q Alchemy

Or I guess third or fourth depending on how we're counting

Old Man Brendan

All redheads are saucy science minxes in Steele's America.

gellaho

We've changed perspective back to naked lava lady

Science God Q Alchemy

As god intended

Old Man Brendan

Steele got out of that nationwide manhunt by dying and fossilizing.

Alpha Scientist Javo

you stink of earth cum, woman

Old Man Brendan

Contralto husky.

gellaho

I was made to live dangerously

Old Man Brendan

You've been with Vulcan again, HAVEN'T YOU? Tell me, I'll know.

Science God Q Alchemy

I love when authors stop to describe their sexual fantasies.

Old Man Brendan

I have forbidden you to die in lava, woman.

Bike Dancin' Greg

What is our page count here? X out of Y?

gellaho

gellaho

I'm only on page 73. I'm probably going to have to stop and continue this next week

It's so much

Old Man Brendan

This guy actually talks like a hawke-Masters douche villain

Alpha Scientist Javo

holy shit

Old Man Brendan

Yeah, this is a LOT to take on.

Looking forward to the concluding novel, though -- COLD STEELE 2: ICE AGE

gellaho

There's that stupid name

Bike Dancin' Greg

Yeah if I read one more simile I'm going to snap like @Alpha Scientist Javo cataloging Chickweed horniness

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

this book has been exhausting

Old Man Brendan

Greg's patience had reached the end of its rope, like a heavy weight at the end of a thin thread in front of a white curtain which was not attached to the cord in any way but which concealed a pervert making jackoff motions.

Alpha Scientist Javo

I like how the villains are just so impossibly villain. Talking like a 17th century

gellaho

This is straight up a fuck you to JD Masters

Alpha Scientist Javo

I hit enter accidentally but fuck it finish that joke yourself

Old Man Brendan

I mean, there's nothing to add after arsenic pancake dandy speech. We all know what's in there.

gellaho

Moisten them liiiips

Alpha Scientist Javo

Die whore, you have had your last terran bukkake

Old Man Brendan

...but her decade's effort!

Alpha Scientist Javo

I like how she is gonna get killed because she won't stop flicking her bean to lava

gellaho

Jesus Christ. They got Steele's horniness

For some reason

Old Man Brendan

i don't know a lot but I know she's going to beat five Nu-Steeles and then have cybersex with Real-Steele.

Alpha Scientist Javo

Gonna be honest, expected better landscaping from the lady than that

Bike Dancin' Greg

At least when JD wrote we were all "Fuck yeah! Masters sucks at writing! This is dumb. Woooooooo!" The writing here is just exhausting

Old Man Brendan

You can't upload a human dick according to the (Lexington) Steele Hypothesis

gellaho

I'm uncomfortable with how often he says "the black one"

Old Man Brendan

She actually waxes with lava, so...

Alpha Scientist Javo

Hes trying entirely too hard to elevate the story and failing at both

gellaho

Like this

Old Man Brendan

Wouldn't she want to hit one of the ones LEAST distracted so she has an extra second before the horny one can switch gears?

Alpha Scientist Javo

RIP these dudes, killed by vagina trickery

Old Man Brendan

Eels don't double really

Doubeel your troubeel

gellaho

What

Old Man Brendan

his maleness

Alpha Scientist Javo

@Liddy Overpower her with his maleness. remember that one.

Old Man Brendan

"Also, though not fat, she still stunk like a polecat"

gellaho

Liiiips

Old Man Brendan

you can't distract someone with a kiss in the MIDDLE of the ass-kicking

gellaho

Is this her catchphrase

Old Man Brendan

"Haha, you gayborgs were kissing a non-binary cyber-assassin!" --Steve from your high school

gellaho

So I guess not a cyborg, but a genetically engineered lady ninja

Alpha Scientist Javo

whose entire repertoire appears to be "all my enemies are horny and dumb"

Old Man Brendan

Her terror is not at being potentially killed but at being spurned by the Viscount of Las cruces.

gellaho

Why did any of this happen

Science God Q Alchemy

Killing people this dumb is not impressive

Old Man Brendan

Did his powdered wig fall off when Dr. James laughed?

Alpha Scientist Javo

I am choosing to envision Dr James like this

Old Man Brendan

This is the protagonist who was originally going to save Jilly, before dude got an offer if he could turn in a completed manuscript in two weeks.

Science God Q Alchemy

I bet so

Actually I wonder is this villain was a creation of the rights holders and he has to wedge her in there

gellaho

Steele figured out how to turn off caps lock

Alpha Scientist Javo

Oh man did he lose his human dick

Science God Q Alchemy

He did, the last vestige of his humanity gone

Who is he now?

gellaho

Another fuck you to JD

Old Man Brendan

How can he moisten his lips if he...no, it's too terrible to ponder.

Alpha Scientist Javo

my god, that is how he will beat the vagina ninja. He can no longer be distracted by vulvular charms

Science God Q Alchemy

He is the only man who can now

gellaho

He's writing all this on a wall

gellaho

It might have been eaten by a coyote

Alpha Scientist Javo

big fucking wall

Old Man Brendan

Point of order: Steele shuts down pain.

Alpha Scientist Javo

Donovan Steele: Coyote ate my dick

Old Man Brendan

What a poetic little detail.

Cute li'l fox tossing back the last bite o'steele and then scampering away.

gellaho

I don't know what she thinks the military is going to do to her that the cult wasn't going to

Alpha Scientist Javo

just so we are clear its now canon that a coyote ate his human penis

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

I know it's a low bar, but Megaman Zero did this storyline way better

Alpha Scientist Javo

Megaman Zero was about a coyote eating penis?

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

that message was sent like 5 minutes ago, my internet crapped out at the worst time lol

gellaho

Back to the character parade

Alpha Scientist Javo

exceptional dickweed

Old Man Brendan

Megaman also experiences bleedthrough from the robots he cannibalizes.