62: Time Blender Michael Dorn (with Hillary Hemmingway and Jeffrey P. Lindsay)

gellaho

Ah, the vanity project. Where a celebrity attempts to show off their creative chops by undertaking something all on their own. I'm not sure why I was talking about that. In what is surely completely unrelated news, this week we are going to be reading A Novel by Star Trek's Own MICHAEL DORN: Time Blender. As the tagline says, "Samurai warriors battle Egyptian gods on the Island of No-Return!" Whatever that means. If you wanted to know what else Star Trek's Worf's book could possibly be about, join me this Friday, 5pm eastern. This is a big one, so I'm sure this will end up taking multiple readings of Star Trek's Michael Dorn of Star Trek's novel.

gellaho

gellaho

@Brockway pin this, or face a million-year volcano horror

FancyShark

Nothing says science like "throw yourself at the anomaly"

gellaho

One thing I have learned already is that holographic covers do not like scanners

Ozzie

Written entirely under the influence of prosthetic forehead glue fumes.

FlippantSausage

And prune juice!

gellaho

Possibly. Or mostly written by these other two

Game Dweeb Thrillho

Three authors? Illogical

Relax the back, cultivate Javo

This book needed two ghost writers lol

Game Dweeb Thrillho

Even her famous ancestor could only get her a writing credit on a Michael Dorn novel

gellaho

If you were wondering, that is an actual Hemingway

FlippantSausage

Man imagine the life of a Hemingway niece.

Relax the back, cultivate Javo

Guess that solves nature vs nurture

FlippantSausage

The FBI pissing in your mailbox.

Game Dweeb Thrillho

More like The Old Man and the C Grade Book

FancyShark

"Before you ask, no, she didn't get the gun."

FlippantSausage

"Writing desk, never used"

gellaho

A little over an hour until we read TV's Star Trek's Michael Dorn's TIME BLENDER by Michael Dorn of Star Trek, aka Worf.

Here's your preview, FUCKER. I mean, FLICKER

FancyShark

FLICKER!

Wait until Miller finds out he just had oregano

LyraV 42Dukes

My head is already spinning.

FancyShark

"Buy some fuckering lights"

LyraV 42Dukes

I kept reading 'Miller' as 'Michael' and just envisioning Michael Dorn.

FancyShark

"I'm an actor. Why is this happening?"

gellaho

I'm sure that's completely coincidental. He certainly doesn't want you to see this and think Michael Dorn. This cool character is the totally original "Tony Miller"

gellaho

And surely him mentioning that he's a licensed pilot is completely unrelated

LyraV 42Dukes

Haha I was thinking it felt like when you write your first story and make the main character yourself basically but decided that was being too mean.

FancyShark

"Flying lessons available on request, ladies"

gellaho

"I am an active participant in many sports. Don't ask for any specifics"

He also counts his cameo in Undiscovered Country as "costarring"

LyraV 42Dukes

Wait so this is after First Contact, what year is this book from?

FancyShark

Gotta be mid to late 90s

gellaho

1997

LyraV 42Dukes

That's awesome, I'm so excited for this one.

Djonin Djosarec

I thought the savage avengers was that one where ghost rider rode a mammoth

Ozzie

That's Avengers 1,000,000 BC

Savage Avengers is Marvel realizing that there's no legal reason Conan the Barbarian can't be an Avenger, only taste and sanity and logic reasons.

FancyShark

All of which Conan shuns as wizardry

I think Conan and Ghost Rider would be a fun team-up. Wheel Idiot traveling with Idiot on Wheels

gellaho

Let's Blend, baby

gellaho

Shout out to the Hemingway clan

FancyShark

Hi, @LyraV 42Dukes !

Hi, @gellaho !

gellaho

I hope you were expecting cliff Tai Chi

LyraV 42Dukes

Please let it be nude Tai Chi.

FancyShark

Surprisingly graceful

gellaho

I hope you were expecting the coolest, smartest guy around

gellaho

I feel like the "black" is a little weirdly placed in that list of adjectives, but whatever

LyraV 42Dukes

Pushed out visions of head prosthetics, forcefully. They did not exist here.

FancyShark

"He was a tenured professor, but not a man who gave up"

Apparently tenure is normally for quitters

gellaho

Only Tai Chi could help Michael Tony sleep

FancyShark

I feel like I've had to listen to this guy whenever I mistakenly made eye contact at the gym or a coffee shop

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Manly mans find therapy very uncomfortable.

gellaho

But, he's a cool guy with a dark past that he can brood about

LyraV 42Dukes

VERY definitely

FancyShark

"Those children, all looking at him. Him, frozen, wracking his mind for the sound a duck makes."

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

The faces of the children were all the child actors who played worf's son.

Hard Ticket to Ferroday

you'll know it's a michael dorn self-insert if he's also vegan

gellaho

You know, that thing that actual humans do

gellaho

FancyShark

I too enjoy the feeling of being ready for work

gellaho

Karate reflex

FancyShark

Be careful. He's tenured!

gellaho

So, I have read the first 50 pages of this book. It's important to note that these are the only two people on this island

LyraV 42Dukes

I feel like he greets everyone this way

FancyShark

And he still reacts like that?

lol, scooped

gellaho

Meet ninja professor

FancyShark

Ninja Botanist: This Fall, on CBS

gellaho

Master of martial arts and deadbeat

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

The art of invisibility allows him to get right up close to the plant fossils.

FancyShark

Wado karate: you almost can't find it

I'm glad Cook has managed to be bitter about his family in between martial arts training

gellaho

Poor Jerry is really going to be an afterthought

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Maybe your marriage would have gone better if you didn't spend all your time failing to commit to karate.

FancyShark

Miller's planning an abduction

gellaho

I'm sure marriage could work if you spend three months at a time alone on an island with a man

FancyShark

Those water lilies are slave-drivers

gellaho

Tony seems like a hoot

LyraV 42Dukes

This guy sounds like a real treat.

FancyShark

"And why are you holding that knife?"

LyraV 42Dukes

'I'm hiding my jealousy and contempt like a good friend!'

gellaho

History is fun on Fake Easter Island

FancyShark

"Named Miller and Cook"

I want to know what computer model tells someone "cannibals"

That's not a basic template

gellaho

Sustainability is hard

gellaho

Look, the Oregon Trail simulations must be correct

FancyShark

Annihilating all the fish?!

gellaho

Don't question the science

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

These islanders seem really bad at living on an island.

gellaho

This was an actor on Star Trek and two ghostwriters. I'm sure they know what they're talking about

LyraV 42Dukes

I'm starting to think Michael Dorn doesn't understand what a buddy is.

gellaho

I'M SO RUGGEDLY HANDSOME AND TORTURED

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

What would a hemmigway know about fishing, anyway?

LyraV 42Dukes

All those people he randomly ate.

FancyShark

Human teeth marks clearly visible, but it still took them three and a half months to decide it was cannibals

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Miller is hoping no one compares those bite marks with his dental records

Or notices how recent they are

LyraV 42Dukes

and a simulation

gellaho

"Look at you doing science work, like some kind of nerd"

FancyShark

"You have something more interesting, Only Other Person on the Island?"

gellaho

I HATE STUDENTS

FancyShark

Oh yeah, wouldn't want to get lectured about being politically incorrect when researching a cannibal island

gellaho

This educational bitching triggers his PTSD

FancyShark

Oh good. I'm sure this'll be tastefully done

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

He's leading an attack group in a stealth bomber?

gellaho

DAMN YOU, SADDAM!

FancyShark

Or, hear me out on this, Miller: you were a bad shot

How the hell did he see kids' faces at that distance?

LyraV 42Dukes

This peek into the mind of Dorn (plus others) is fantastic. Cannibals and Saddam. Fuck yeah.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

They even put a sign on the communication center that said 'orphanage', that tricky Saddam.

gellaho

DAMN YOU, ALL-SEEING U.S. INTELLIGENCE! MAYBE!

FancyShark

This guy seems like he shouldn't have been cleared for a mission where innocents might die

gellaho

The Air Force could not hold him, only Lady History

FancyShark

History, where there was no record of the US killing innocent children

LyraV 42Dukes

Everthing Miller does is drenched in awesomeness.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

I'm hoping that hyphenated bit doesn't end with -st.

gellaho

Hmm, what's that on the horizon?

FancyShark

He better get a computer model going

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Should've taken advantage of all those amphetamines the air force was giving out.

gellaho

Tsunami, baby

FancyShark

Sure. Those things do tend to just sneak up on you

LyraV 42Dukes

He briefly considered letting the Coast Guard hold him but knew it was futile.

gellaho

So, that was Chapter 1

gellaho

Do you see why I said this would be in multiple parts?

FancyShark

oh yeah

This is something to savor

And it's loaded with madness

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

This is dense in riffable moments.

FancyShark

Where are @Brendanonymous and @FlippantSausage ? They're missing out

gellaho

So, Cook ate shit in a mass grave. That I guess the two of them dug up by themselves?

FancyShark

Doofus

Now who's going to make dinner?

gellaho

The exact coordinates are helpful though

FancyShark

NOT THE COFFEE CUP! WWWWHHHHHYYYYYYYYYY!?

LyraV 42Dukes

It will take Miller a week to figure out what happened here.

FancyShark

"Hmmm, maybe...cannibals?"

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

He has to do some Tai chi about it.

gellaho

Miller: also medical expert

FancyShark

"Damn, he's alive. That makes this less convenient."

Miller wanted to yeet the body out of the pit

LyraV 42Dukes

They were four soft hours out but no one uses those anymore.

gellaho

Tango time

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Hard men count time in hard hours.

FancyShark

I mean, it kind of matters what his pulse is doing...

gellaho

Miller: scientific expert, but not sure why the seismograph would be going crazy during a tsunami

gellaho

Miller believes tsunamis are caused by the wrath of Poseidon

FancyShark

Tsunami's back at the beach, too shy to ask if it can make landfall

gellaho

"Oh, shit. I guess this tsunami is serious"

FancyShark

"My watercolors!" he exclaimed, dropping Cook's body.

gellaho

"If the seismograph wasn't doing this, I wouldn't have moved so fast"

God Cook

FancyShark

Yep, just sling the fall victim over your shoulder like a sack of grain

LyraV 42Dukes

I don't want to think about Miller adjusting the load, thank you.

gellaho

Miller knew how long it took to run to the plane. For some reason

FancyShark

Cook's head is lolling around like a tetherball

LyraV 42Dukes

I bet his jaw's unclenched now.

gellaho

All that precious cannibal research

FancyShark

At least they didn't do something stupid like leave all the dig sites unprotected from the elements

gellaho

Nevermind how the computers with their computer disks were getting power on this remote island inhabited by two people

LyraV 42Dukes

I just assumed his seismograph was powered by tai chi.

gellaho

You can rent a seaplane for three months?

FancyShark

You can, but the final bill is a bitch

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

He's got cook's spinal fluid all over the seat. He's not getting his deposit back.

gellaho

Warp speed, Lt. Worf

FancyShark

Lucky thing airplane fuel doesn't go bad

"Never seen anything like the greasy sea, except grease"

gellaho

Bold plan

FancyShark

Wooo!

This feels like a monster truck promo

gellaho

It was tall, like some kind of tall thing. And fast, like something fast.

LyraV 42Dukes

It was big is what he's trying to say.

FancyShark

"We're going to fix that last line, right?"

"Shut up, Dorn."

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Quick, more metaphors!

gellaho

Beyond the limits of rented aircraft

FancyShark

Miller silently curses turning down the Anti-Tsunami package

gellaho

Dorn with the well-known "can hit with types of ball" measure of distance

gellaho

Baseball to basketball

FancyShark

Sports ball distances, like any non-nerd can measure

gellaho

To bowling ball

LyraV 42Dukes

Dorn is a patron of a great many 'Sports Activities' he would know.

FancyShark

"What's that, nerds? You don't know how far that is? Well, a sports would know. Too bad you don't sports."

gellaho

Whew, just in time

LyraV 42Dukes

I love the idea that all you can think about as your plane goes down are ball distances.

FancyShark

In a fit of hubris, Miller steers the plane back into the tsunami's path to give it another chance

gellaho

"Well, actually, bowling balls (unlike baseballs and basketballs), have no standardized weight" 🤓

LyraV 42Dukes

He'll have to do so many hours of tai-chi to get over all this.

gellaho

I'm surprised you aren't literally surfing this wave if you are that close

FancyShark

That's for the sequel. It's called "character growth"

LyraV 42Dukes

'Tumbling hell of unimaginable power' does sound legit.

gellaho

It's a good thing there were no tourists at this obvious tourist site

gellaho

I guess Easter Island just has better marketing

FancyShark

And a tsunami machine

gellaho

They got that lucrative Jesus license

Time to party in Tahiti

FancyShark

He looks over at Cook's torso, which is looking much better after all the damaged bits fell off

gellaho

That is surprising for the victim of massive head trauma

FancyShark

Cook turns to him. "I still hate my son."

gellaho

Two coughs, whatever. Three coughs, now you've got something

gellaho

And that something is fucking madness

FancyShark

"What a dickhead," he thought

LyraV 42Dukes

He felt a normal amount of contempt and jealousy for his friend as he went through it all.

gellaho

Cook is having a great day

FancyShark

"How would you rate your pain and existential horror?"

gellaho

Let's get weird

FancyShark

This is where the tenure really comes into play.

LyraV 42Dukes

I just hope he clears up whether or not it's Cook. I'm still not sure.

gellaho

Jesus fuck, indeed

FancyShark

How dare this book start to get good

gellaho

What a fun day Cook is having

FancyShark

You'd think his ninjitsu training would have covered demonic possession

gellaho

Real-time Hunger is my fast food restaurant for nerds

FancyShark

Crafty Cook was my favorite muppet

gellaho

Tony's pilot's instincts immediately sent him into PTSD shock

FancyShark

Stunned into incoherence is a bit much for responding to a head trauma victim acting weird

gellaho

It's definitely not weird for him to be completely calm in this situation

FancyShark

He's never heard of actors

LyraV 42Dukes

There were no explanations except for the several I've alreadly thought of.

gellaho

Dorn's entry for the "most complicated way to explain velocity" contest

FancyShark

Miller weighs the pros and cons of punching the space nerd

gellaho

"I'm more worried about the health of the plane than yours"

gellaho

Might as well be a storm now, sure

FancyShark

Oh no! The tsunami! It's got our scent!

gellaho

No homo, OK?

FancyShark

Miller's kicking himself for flying during storm migration season

Michael, you told us how hot Miller was at the start of the book. Don't play coy now.

gellaho

I wonder which of the authors is the polka fan

FancyShark

Joy is anathema to a man with a wife and child

gellaho

You should probably forget about Jerry

FancyShark

Well, his father already has

gellaho

And buckle in for mysterious dialog about controlling the weather

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Forgetting about sons is kind of a thing with Michael Dorn's characters.

gellaho

Alexander is fine, I'm sure

Djonin Djosarec

Im catching up to this story still, but how the fuck you write an approaching tsunami and leave out the most important thing that you observe to notice an approaching tsunami?

gellaho

Raise nonsense shields, Mr. Worf

Djonin Djosarec

When a tsunami approaches, the ocean recedes back hella far

It's the most startling warning of an approaching wave, when the ocean goes away

gellaho

He was too busy doing Tai Chi, duh

Djonin Djosarec

Duh.

gellaho

Superior mentation

Djonin Djosarec

Im starting to think Star Trek writers don't get out and see the world much

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Definitely a real word.

gellaho

Whee, indeed

FancyShark

Cook better be possessed by a giant insect or this manner of speaking is going to come off really stupid

gellaho

Don't you hate it when that happens?

FancyShark

<sad trombone>

Miller silently curses not springing for the "no stalling" rental package

gellaho

That was close

John

It almost comes off like Dorn is making fun of Brent Spiner in a very insider-joke type of way.

FancyShark

Hi, @John !

gellaho

What a lucky break

John

Hey @FancyShark. Been a while since I made it to one of these

FancyShark

Also forgot to say, Hi @Djonin Djosarec !

And forgot to say hi to you too, @Shark Puke Fetishist GDC !

FancyShark

Frank Dixon frantically taking notes

gellaho

Crazy book progress update

gellaho

This is going to be a fucking project

FancyShark

Is this the densest amount of jokes-per-page we've had yet?

LyraV 42Dukes

I love it so much

John

Bad Rap might still be the winner of that category, but this is good.

gellaho

You know how you constantly switch baseball caps

FancyShark

Miller doesn't believe in consulting people that might be monitoring the weather

gellaho

Volcano time

Djonin Djosarec

Yet another mangled sports metaphor from the dork team

John

Radio? No, I'm an expert pilot and former USAF bomber. I'd have heard of one of those.

Djonin Djosarec

Wait does this asshole think smoke just steadily comes out of active volcanoes?

gellaho

I'm going to have a hard time not showing all this alien dialog

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

That's what makes them active.

gellaho

These three assholes

FancyShark

Spent almost four months near a volcano and never investigated it

Djonin Djosarec

[suppressed Ring of Fire resident sounds]