62: Time Blender Michael Dorn (with Hillary Hemmingway and Jeffrey P. Lindsay)

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Samurai warriors battle Egyptian gods on the Island of No-Return!

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gellaho: Ah, the vanity project. Where a celebrity attempts to show off their creative chops by undertaking something all on their own. I'm not sure why I was talking about that. In what is surely completely unrelated news, this week we are going to be reading A Novel by Star Trek's Own MICHAEL DORN: Time Blender. As the tagline says, "Samurai warriors battle Egyptian gods on the Island of No-Return!" Whatever that means. If you wanted to know what else Star Trek's Worf's book could possibly be about, join me this Friday, 5pm eastern. This is a big one, so I'm sure this will end up taking multiple readings of Star Trek's Michael Dorn of Star Trek's novel.
gellaho
gellaho: @Brockway pin this, or face a million-year volcano horror
FancyShark: Nothing says science like "throw yourself at the anomaly"
gellaho: One thing I have learned already is that holographic covers do not like scanners
Ozzie: Written entirely under the influence of prosthetic forehead glue fumes.
FlippantSausage: And prune juice!
gellaho: Possibly. Or mostly written by these other two
Game Dweeb Thrillho: Three authors? Illogical
Relax the back, cultivate Javo: This book needed two ghost writers lol
Game Dweeb Thrillho: Even her famous ancestor could only get her a writing credit on a Michael Dorn novel
gellaho: If you were wondering, that is an actual Hemingway
FlippantSausage: Man imagine the life of a Hemingway niece.
Relax the back, cultivate Javo: Guess that solves nature vs nurture
FlippantSausage: The FBI pissing in your mailbox.
Game Dweeb Thrillho: More like The Old Man and the C Grade Book
FancyShark: "Before you ask, no, she didn't get the gun."
FlippantSausage: "Writing desk, never used"
gellaho: A little over an hour until we read TV's Star Trek's Michael Dorn's TIME BLENDER by Michael Dorn of Star Trek, aka Worf.; Here's your preview, FUCKER. I mean, FLICKER
FancyShark: FLICKER!; Wait until Miller finds out he just had oregano
LyraV 42Dukes: My head is already spinning.
FancyShark: "Buy some fuckering lights"
LyraV 42Dukes: I kept reading 'Miller' as 'Michael' and just envisioning Michael Dorn.
FancyShark: "I'm an actor. Why is this happening?"
gellaho: I'm sure that's completely coincidental. He certainly doesn't want you to see this and think Michael Dorn. This cool character is the totally original "Tony Miller"
gellaho: And surely him mentioning that he's a licensed pilot is completely unrelated
LyraV 42Dukes: Haha I was thinking it felt like when you write your first story and make the main character yourself basically but decided that was being too mean.
FancyShark: "Flying lessons available on request, ladies"
gellaho: "I am an active participant in many sports. Don't ask for any specifics"; He also counts his cameo in Undiscovered Country as "costarring"
LyraV 42Dukes: Wait so this is after First Contact, what year is this book from?
FancyShark: Gotta be mid to late 90s
gellaho: 1997
LyraV 42Dukes: That's awesome, I'm so excited for this one.
Djonin Djosarec: I thought the savage avengers was that one where ghost rider rode a mammoth
Ozzie: That's Avengers 1,000,000 BC; Savage Avengers is Marvel realizing that there's no legal reason Conan the Barbarian can't be an Avenger, only taste and sanity and logic reasons.
FancyShark: All of which Conan shuns as wizardry; I think Conan and Ghost Rider would be a fun team-up. Wheel Idiot traveling with Idiot on Wheels
gellaho: Let's Blend, baby
gellaho: Shout out to the Hemingway clan
FancyShark: Hi, @LyraV 42Dukes !; Hi, @gellaho !
gellaho: I hope you were expecting cliff Tai Chi
LyraV 42Dukes: Please let it be nude Tai Chi.
FancyShark: Surprisingly graceful
gellaho: I hope you were expecting the coolest, smartest guy around
gellaho: I feel like the "black" is a little weirdly placed in that list of adjectives, but whatever
LyraV 42Dukes: Pushed out visions of head prosthetics, forcefully. They did not exist here.
FancyShark: "He was a tenured professor, but not a man who gave up"; Apparently tenure is normally for quitters
gellaho: Only Tai Chi could help Michael Tony sleep
FancyShark: I feel like I've had to listen to this guy whenever I mistakenly made eye contact at the gym or a coffee shop
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Manly mans find therapy very uncomfortable.
gellaho: But, he's a cool guy with a dark past that he can brood about
LyraV 42Dukes: VERY definitely
FancyShark: "Those children, all looking at him. Him, frozen, wracking his mind for the sound a duck makes."
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: The faces of the children were all the child actors who played worf's son.
Hard Ticket to Ferroday: you'll know it's a michael dorn self-insert if he's also vegan
gellaho: You know, that thing that actual humans do
gellaho
FancyShark: I too enjoy the feeling of being ready for work
gellaho: Karate reflex
FancyShark: Be careful. He's tenured!
gellaho: So, I have read the first 50 pages of this book. It's important to note that these are the only two people on this island
LyraV 42Dukes: I feel like he greets everyone this way
FancyShark: And he still reacts like that?; lol, scooped
gellaho: Meet ninja professor
FancyShark: Ninja Botanist: This Fall, on CBS
gellaho: Master of martial arts and deadbeat
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: The art of invisibility allows him to get right up close to the plant fossils.
FancyShark: Wado karate: you almost can't find it; I'm glad Cook has managed to be bitter about his family in between martial arts training
gellaho: Poor Jerry is really going to be an afterthought
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Maybe your marriage would have gone better if you didn't spend all your time failing to commit to karate.
FancyShark: Miller's planning an abduction
gellaho: I'm sure marriage could work if you spend three months at a time alone on an island with a man
FancyShark: Those water lilies are slave-drivers
gellaho: Tony seems like a hoot
LyraV 42Dukes: This guy sounds like a real treat.
FancyShark: "And why are you holding that knife?"
LyraV 42Dukes: 'I'm hiding my jealousy and contempt like a good friend!'
gellaho: History is fun on Fake Easter Island
FancyShark: "Named Miller and Cook"; I want to know what computer model tells someone "cannibals"; That's not a basic template
gellaho: Sustainability is hard
gellaho: Look, the Oregon Trail simulations must be correct
FancyShark: Annihilating all the fish?!
gellaho: Don't question the science
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: These islanders seem really bad at living on an island.
gellaho: This was an actor on Star Trek and two ghostwriters. I'm sure they know what they're talking about
LyraV 42Dukes: I'm starting to think Michael Dorn doesn't understand what a buddy is.
gellaho: I'M SO RUGGEDLY HANDSOME AND TORTURED
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: What would a hemmigway know about fishing, anyway?
LyraV 42Dukes: All those people he randomly ate.
FancyShark: Human teeth marks clearly visible, but it still took them three and a half months to decide it was cannibals
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Miller is hoping no one compares those bite marks with his dental records; Or notices how recent they are
LyraV 42Dukes: and a simulation
gellaho: "Look at you doing science work, like some kind of nerd"
FancyShark: "You have something more interesting, Only Other Person on the Island?"
gellaho: I HATE STUDENTS
FancyShark: Oh yeah, wouldn't want to get lectured about being politically incorrect when researching a cannibal island
gellaho: This educational bitching triggers his PTSD
FancyShark: Oh good. I'm sure this'll be tastefully done
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: He's leading an attack group in a stealth bomber?
gellaho: DAMN YOU, SADDAM!
FancyShark: Or, hear me out on this, Miller: you were a bad shot; How the hell did he see kids' faces at that distance?
LyraV 42Dukes: This peek into the mind of Dorn (plus others) is fantastic. Cannibals and Saddam. Fuck yeah.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: They even put a sign on the communication center that said 'orphanage', that tricky Saddam.
gellaho: DAMN YOU, ALL-SEEING U.S. INTELLIGENCE! MAYBE!
FancyShark: This guy seems like he shouldn't have been cleared for a mission where innocents might die
gellaho: The Air Force could not hold him, only Lady History
FancyShark: History, where there was no record of the US killing innocent children
LyraV 42Dukes: Everthing Miller does is drenched in awesomeness.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: I'm hoping that hyphenated bit doesn't end with -st.
gellaho: Hmm, what's that on the horizon?
FancyShark: He better get a computer model going
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Should've taken advantage of all those amphetamines the air force was giving out.
gellaho: Tsunami, baby
FancyShark: Sure. Those things do tend to just sneak up on you
LyraV 42Dukes: He briefly considered letting the Coast Guard hold him but knew it was futile.
gellaho: So, that was Chapter 1
gellaho: Do you see why I said this would be in multiple parts?
FancyShark: oh yeah; This is something to savor; And it's loaded with madness
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: This is dense in riffable moments.
FancyShark: Where are @Brendanonymous and @FlippantSausage ? They're missing out
gellaho: So, Cook ate shit in a mass grave. That I guess the two of them dug up by themselves?
FancyShark: Doofus; Now who's going to make dinner?
gellaho: The exact coordinates are helpful though
FancyShark: NOT THE COFFEE CUP! WWWWHHHHHYYYYYYYYYY!?
LyraV 42Dukes: It will take Miller a week to figure out what happened here.
FancyShark: "Hmmm, maybe...cannibals?"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: He has to do some Tai chi about it.
gellaho: Miller: also medical expert
FancyShark: "Damn, he's alive. That makes this less convenient."; Miller wanted to yeet the body out of the pit
LyraV 42Dukes: They were four soft hours out but no one uses those anymore.
gellaho: Tango time
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Hard men count time in hard hours.
FancyShark: I mean, it kind of matters what his pulse is doing...
gellaho: Miller: scientific expert, but not sure why the seismograph would be going crazy during a tsunami
gellaho: Miller believes tsunamis are caused by the wrath of Poseidon
FancyShark: Tsunami's back at the beach, too shy to ask if it can make landfall
gellaho: "Oh, shit. I guess this tsunami is serious"
FancyShark: "My watercolors!" he exclaimed, dropping Cook's body.
gellaho: "If the seismograph wasn't doing this, I wouldn't have moved so fast"; God Cook
FancyShark: Yep, just sling the fall victim over your shoulder like a sack of grain
LyraV 42Dukes: I don't want to think about Miller adjusting the load, thank you.
gellaho: Miller knew how long it took to run to the plane. For some reason
FancyShark: Cook's head is lolling around like a tetherball
LyraV 42Dukes: I bet his jaw's unclenched now.
gellaho: All that precious cannibal research
FancyShark: At least they didn't do something stupid like leave all the dig sites unprotected from the elements
gellaho: Nevermind how the computers with their computer disks were getting power on this remote island inhabited by two people
LyraV 42Dukes: I just assumed his seismograph was powered by tai chi.
gellaho: You can rent a seaplane for three months?
FancyShark: You can, but the final bill is a bitch
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: He's got cook's spinal fluid all over the seat. He's not getting his deposit back.
gellaho: Warp speed, Lt. Worf
FancyShark: Lucky thing airplane fuel doesn't go bad; "Never seen anything like the greasy sea, except grease"
gellaho: Bold plan
FancyShark: Wooo!; This feels like a monster truck promo
gellaho: It was tall, like some kind of tall thing. And fast, like something fast.
LyraV 42Dukes: It was big is what he's trying to say.
FancyShark: "We're going to fix that last line, right?"; "Shut up, Dorn."
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Quick, more metaphors!
gellaho: Beyond the limits of rented aircraft
FancyShark: Miller silently curses turning down the Anti-Tsunami package
gellaho: Dorn with the well-known "can hit with types of ball" measure of distance
gellaho: Baseball to basketball
FancyShark: Sports ball distances, like any non-nerd can measure
gellaho: To bowling ball
LyraV 42Dukes: Dorn is a patron of a great many 'Sports Activities' he would know.
FancyShark: "What's that, nerds? You don't know how far that is? Well, a sports would know. Too bad you don't sports."
gellaho: Whew, just in time
LyraV 42Dukes: I love the idea that all you can think about as your plane goes down are ball distances.
FancyShark: In a fit of hubris, Miller steers the plane back into the tsunami's path to give it another chance
gellaho: "Well, actually, bowling balls (unlike baseballs and basketballs), have no standardized weight" 🤓
LyraV 42Dukes: He'll have to do so many hours of tai-chi to get over all this.
gellaho: I'm surprised you aren't literally surfing this wave if you are that close
FancyShark: That's for the sequel. It's called "character growth"
LyraV 42Dukes: 'Tumbling hell of unimaginable power' does sound legit.
gellaho: It's a good thing there were no tourists at this obvious tourist site
gellaho: I guess Easter Island just has better marketing
FancyShark: And a tsunami machine
gellaho: They got that lucrative Jesus license; Time to party in Tahiti
FancyShark: He looks over at Cook's torso, which is looking much better after all the damaged bits fell off
gellaho: That is surprising for the victim of massive head trauma
FancyShark: Cook turns to him. "I still hate my son."
gellaho: Two coughs, whatever. Three coughs, now you've got something
gellaho: And that something is fucking madness
FancyShark: "What a dickhead," he thought
LyraV 42Dukes: He felt a normal amount of contempt and jealousy for his friend as he went through it all.
gellaho: Cook is having a great day
FancyShark: "How would you rate your pain and existential horror?"
gellaho: Let's get weird
FancyShark: This is where the tenure really comes into play.
LyraV 42Dukes: I just hope he clears up whether or not it's Cook. I'm still not sure.
gellaho: Jesus fuck, indeed
FancyShark: How dare this book start to get good
gellaho: What a fun day Cook is having
FancyShark: You'd think his ninjitsu training would have covered demonic possession
gellaho: Real-time Hunger is my fast food restaurant for nerds
FancyShark: Crafty Cook was my favorite muppet
gellaho: Tony's pilot's instincts immediately sent him into PTSD shock
FancyShark: Stunned into incoherence is a bit much for responding to a head trauma victim acting weird
gellaho: It's definitely not weird for him to be completely calm in this situation
FancyShark: He's never heard of actors
LyraV 42Dukes: There were no explanations except for the several I've alreadly thought of.
gellaho: Dorn's entry for the "most complicated way to explain velocity" contest
FancyShark: Miller weighs the pros and cons of punching the space nerd
gellaho: "I'm more worried about the health of the plane than yours"
gellaho: Might as well be a storm now, sure
FancyShark: Oh no! The tsunami! It's got our scent!
gellaho: No homo, OK?
FancyShark: Miller's kicking himself for flying during storm migration season; Michael, you told us how hot Miller was at the start of the book. Don't play coy now.
gellaho: I wonder which of the authors is the polka fan
FancyShark: Joy is anathema to a man with a wife and child
gellaho: You should probably forget about Jerry
FancyShark: Well, his father already has
gellaho: And buckle in for mysterious dialog about controlling the weather
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Forgetting about sons is kind of a thing with Michael Dorn's characters.
gellaho: Alexander is fine, I'm sure
Djonin Djosarec: Im catching up to this story still, but how the fuck you write an approaching tsunami and leave out the most important thing that you observe to notice an approaching tsunami?
gellaho: Raise nonsense shields, Mr. Worf
Djonin Djosarec: When a tsunami approaches, the ocean recedes back hella far; It's the most startling warning of an approaching wave, when the ocean goes away
gellaho: He was too busy doing Tai Chi, duh
Djonin Djosarec: Duh.
gellaho: Superior mentation
Djonin Djosarec: Im starting to think Star Trek writers don't get out and see the world much
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Definitely a real word.
gellaho: Whee, indeed
FancyShark: Cook better be possessed by a giant insect or this manner of speaking is going to come off really stupid
gellaho: Don't you hate it when that happens?
FancyShark: <sad trombone>; Miller silently curses not springing for the "no stalling" rental package
gellaho: That was close
John: It almost comes off like Dorn is making fun of Brent Spiner in a very insider-joke type of way.
FancyShark: Hi, @John !
gellaho: What a lucky break
John: Hey @FancyShark. Been a while since I made it to one of these
FancyShark: Also forgot to say, Hi @Djonin Djosarec !; And forgot to say hi to you too, @Shark Puke Fetishist GDC !
FancyShark: Frank Dixon frantically taking notes
gellaho: Crazy book progress update
gellaho: This is going to be a fucking project
FancyShark: Is this the densest amount of jokes-per-page we've had yet?
LyraV 42Dukes: I love it so much
John: Bad Rap might still be the winner of that category, but this is good.
gellaho: You know how you constantly switch baseball caps
FancyShark: Miller doesn't believe in consulting people that might be monitoring the weather
gellaho: Volcano time
Djonin Djosarec: Yet another mangled sports metaphor from the dork team
John: Radio? No, I'm an expert pilot and former USAF bomber. I'd have heard of one of those.
Djonin Djosarec: Wait does this asshole think smoke just steadily comes out of active volcanoes?
gellaho: I'm going to have a hard time not showing all this alien dialog
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: That's what makes them active.
gellaho: These three assholes
FancyShark: Spent almost four months near a volcano and never investigated it
Djonin Djosarec: [suppressed Ring of Fire resident sounds]
FancyShark: Don't worry. He's tenured. He knows what he's doing.
gellaho: "Hey, Cook, I know you need immediate medical attention, but do you mind if I investigate this volcano?"
gellaho: Shit; Excuse me, "Aw, shit"
FancyShark: Miller's sidequesting
Djonin Djosarec: Fuck. Don't fly over volcanoes. What are you doing
gellaho: Cook attempts a bold solution
Djonin Djosarec: If there's ash coming out, even fine ash, it's going to strip your fuselage apart and jam your engines
FancyShark: Cook farted and doesn't want Miller to know
gellaho: The fuck does this mean
Djonin Djosarec: A plane literally nearly crashed by Tahiti in real life thanks to flying over a volcano
John: Guys, I don't want to be a dick, but I don't think this book is very well written.
FancyShark: Was that supposed to be "I hope you know what you're doing" in moonspeak?
LyraV 42Dukes: Miller can't be held by your 'rules'
gellaho: They land and Miller still doesn't understand his friend is possessed
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: It's great that the author put the fact that he is a pilot in his bio.
gellaho: And an active participant in many sports
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: That explains how he knows how far balls can be thrown
John: He's like Rain Man when it comes to how far you can throw a ball in any sport.; FUCK!
FancyShark: I wonder how they would have handled the tsunami if Dorn was an avid power walker
gellaho: Time for some product placement
gellaho: Trying to tie this to reality will not help you very soon
FancyShark: "He appreciated their construction, durability and reasonable price"
LyraV 42Dukes: Expedition shorts is definitely what you call them too.
Djonin Djosarec: Dork drawers
gellaho: "I know you were dead in a pit one hour ago, but I am relaxed"
Djonin Djosarec: Weenie waders
FancyShark: "Broken necks are, like, a state of mind, man"
gellaho: Sorry, @FancyShark
FancyShark: aw man
gellaho: I think the only sharks you've gotten to see have been in an asteroid during Psychodrome; because you missed the Hardy Boys one
Djonin Djosarec: This is starting to feel like an AI dungeon story with how much the tone shifts.
FancyShark: They were fighting ninjas, though. That makes up for a lot.; And sharks aren't normally stupid enough to neglect someone with a broken neck
gellaho: Miller's genius scientific mind is baffled by his brain-addled friend forgetting how to swim
Djonin Djosarec: Swem
FancyShark: Hospital in Tahiti is amazed at how few patients they have and the surplus of medical supplies in stock
gellaho: "I believe in you, my dead friend who talks like an alien visitor"
Djonin Djosarec: This uh… this feels like a very cringey segment of a bad Star Trek episode's B plot. Like this is happening concurrently with Picard trying to figure out where the hell they are.
FancyShark: Miller's really taking his time revealing that all their research is gone
LyraV 42Dukes: Through his strong powerful belt loops
gellaho: "Miller wondered if there might be something wrong with Cook"
FancyShark: Miller considers that Cook might be doing a bit before remembering Cook doesn't commit to anything
gellaho: And yes, that does say "breath the water" instead of "breathe the water"; Three authors is not enough
Djonin Djosarec: That's some good editing there, Lou
gellaho: Musky Bing Bong
FancyShark: The tsunami is hiding behind a rock, waiting for Miller to let his guard down
Djonin Djosarec: @Jazz Ramb$ne Gracie ???
gellaho: Miller takes some time to burn Club Med
FancyShark: Bet you wish you'd gotten Mr. Dorn a clean fork now, don't you, Club Med?
gellaho: The fuck does this mean, Dorn
gellaho: or this
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: He's pretty much over the whole child-centric PTSD by now.
FancyShark: "We have to leave!"; Now feed that through Google Translate until it's indecipherable
gellaho: Aliens have never encountered plants
gellaho: I guess
FancyShark: Are they on the volcanic island or a different one?
gellaho: I'm surrounded by Ecck
FancyShark: If they haven't covered substantial distance, that lost civilization resorted to cannibalism a bit too easily
gellaho: They landed the pontoon boat on a lagoon of the volcano island; Trust me, it's about to get weirder; Filty
gellaho: "Filty"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Man, that would have been caught by a spell check
FancyShark: wait, how can they find anything to eat if that civilization resorted to cannibalism because they'd depleted all sources of food?
gellaho: "You hear that!? You're all shit!"
gellaho: Well, they didn't have rented seaplanes
FancyShark: lol, of course. My mistake
gellaho: Miller immediately resorts to idol worship
gellaho: Because I guess he also hasn't heard of Easter Island
FancyShark: I'm starting to think Miller's degree might have been written in crayon
gellaho: I'm also very challenged by representations of the human form. Because I'm three years old
FancyShark: "What you looking at? Huh?"
LyraV 42Dukes: Please let Michael Dorn have flown to Easter Island and returned inspired to write this.
gellaho: Next stop, buried Japanese submarine
FancyShark: Those famous Japanese subs that backed up into the mud
gellaho: Miller has exhausted the two possibilities, Cargo Cult or rich eccentric
LyraV 42Dukes: Maybe if he had three months and several simulations he could come up with Something.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: He briefly considered a sudden, rapid change in sea level, but dismissed it as implausible.
gellaho: He takes it as a personal insult
FancyShark: Meanwhile, Cthluhu is watching from a short distance away, a book tucked under one arm and a folding chair under the other, unsure if he should say something
gellaho: Let's see, what could be next?
gellaho: Aliens, duh
gellaho: Densely packed
FancyShark: It reads "Battlestar Galactica"
gellaho: Miller needs at least fifty more weird things to happen before he believes that Cook isn't Cook
gellaho: The problem with DNA is that it wasn't densely packed enough
gellaho: You gotta triple that storage capacity, baby
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: HD-DNA
LyraV 42Dukes: He could tell what the letters would someday become? What the fuck Dorn?
gellaho: Miller understood this, being a weird black project himself
FancyShark: Miller's trying to pretend he understands this stuff even though there's no one to prove it to; His own experience of killing children instead of Saddam
gellaho: Mylar, the most advanced of our balloon technologies
FancyShark: His body temperature is drained. So, he's dead, right?
LyraV 42Dukes: Feeling that neutral coolness.
gellaho: It's definitely a product of Hollyweird
FancyShark: Dorn ran out of airplanes and Sports, so back to what he knows best
gellaho: In addition to Air Force specialist, archeological doctorate, martial arts expert, also a Hollywood consultant
FancyShark: Oh, so he has heard of actors
gellaho: Good to see spaceships operate under ADT rules
gellaho: Herenow logic absent
FancyShark: Unknown technology, so lets push buttons at random
Djonin Djosarec: Oh hey apparently this is a real thing; https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triple-stranded_DNA
FancyShark: huh, crazy
gellaho: Sounds like dumb-shit-crap to me
gellaho: And yes, Tony Miller can recognize all languages; What of it?; Light can only come from tubes, right?
Djonin Djosarec: Blaaaaaaaat
FancyShark: I do need to pick up some spare light tubes
LyraV 42Dukes: There's definitely not a sheep on board.
FancyShark: I like the idea that the door is farting at them the whole time this is happening
gellaho: You got this, Tony
gellaho
FancyShark: So close, yet so far
gellaho
Djonin Djosarec: This is remarkably dumber than I was expecting; And I was expecting a pretty dumb book
FancyShark: Right? It's amazing
gellaho: The pilot instinct, built into all creatures
FancyShark: Yep. It's that ol' pilot instinct that makes a man see a stick and want to give it a good, firm grab
gellaho: Note to authors: not quintessential, just essential. If it's necessary, it's essential
gellaho: That's what I told my therapist anyway
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: not even triessential or quadessential
Djonin Djosarec: I expected an action archaeologist traveling through space time and banging alien babes. I didn't expect an annoying alien to talk like he was in a children's space man movie while a sexy ex soldier from a different genre was arbitrarily skeptical
FancyShark: That doesn't sound like a complaint though
gellaho: At least it's three S's, and not the SS
gellaho: So beats out Peter David so far
FancyShark: <phew>
Djonin Djosarec: Oh no. I want Dorn to clock Cook on the head; Like, hard.; Also his name is just Dorn, not Miller
FancyShark: I'm holding out hope Cook will tear his own face off and reveal a chitinous set of fangs
LyraV 42Dukes: Miller waffles between being an abject genuis at everything and still being unsure of if he's on a movie set.
gellaho: Interesting metaphor, Dorn
Djonin Djosarec: Dorn. He's a fucking alien.
FancyShark: Don't you bring The Gods Must Be Crazy into this
gellaho: Two Tai Chi breaths
gellaho: ~~Dorn~~ Tony strong and smart
LyraV 42Dukes: Dorn writes like he fucks, densely and with much inaccuracy.
FancyShark: "Lucky break you aren't a quadriplegic"
gellaho: Dorn's entry in the "most awkward way to phrase 'looked at'"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: That is a difficult sentance to parse.
FancyShark: Off Cook's left shoulder?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: like, his face fell off and landed there?
gellaho: Cook has been possessed by Goldblum
FancyShark: Okay, I'm onboard for that development
gellaho: See, my mechanic said my car needed a replacement Chaos Regulator and my dad called me an idiot for listening
FancyShark: "Honestly, unsure why transporting chaos device expected to go without issue"
gellaho: Ooh, a native village. I'm sure this will go well
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Must have missed all that from the plane
FancyShark: Please be christmas elves. Please be christmas elves.
gellaho: Seems like this would be hard to miss
gellaho: Shit was crazy before satellite imaging I guess
FancyShark: Some buildings made from lost aircraft carriers, some made from leaves
gellaho: Hey, look, Peter David showed up anyway
FancyShark: WW2 must be part of an entrance exam for writing these books; Or a password
gellaho: Uh oh
FancyShark: oh no
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: This doesn't inspire confidence
gellaho: Hotness! Breaking! Liberal! Walls! Too! Horny!
FancyShark: I love it when a woman wears breasts
LyraV 42Dukes: Not all tenured professors
gellaho: It's a bold fashion choice for any occasion; I think Miller might be looking for some confrontation
FancyShark: He wants to show her his Prime Directive; sorry, that sounded bad even as I wrote it; Maybe they'll get lucky and this village will have a trauma ward where Cook can get his injuries looked at
LyraV 42Dukes: Cook is for sure dead.
gellaho: I agree with Cook
FancyShark: I hope the lady's a Siren
gellaho: I don't know what impolitic means, but the rest of it works
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Irrational States of Rut sounds like a good name for... Something
gellaho: Miller's getting a scientific ass shot
FancyShark: Walks up to her. 'Okay, play it cool.'; "YOU MAKE SEX ME?"
gellaho: I'm not sure how three people can simultaneously write a sexual fantasy, but here we are
FancyShark: Polynesian slut shaming, courtesy Michael Dorn
LyraV 42Dukes: Women love when you stare at them with full erections without speaking.; Especially if you've just met.
FancyShark: It's my favorite ice breaker
Djonin Djosarec: Michael Dorn never struck me as a 90s anti PC guy.; Dang
gellaho: The god-face toilet seat. A necessity for all homes
FancyShark: Yeah, he always seemed chill
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Maybe that was the part Hemmigway wrote.
FancyShark: I don't feel okay unless I'm shitting on a god
gellaho: There are three people writing this, I'm not sure how much to put on who
FancyShark: That must be their strategy
gellaho: But I'll put it all on Dorn, because he put his (and only his) name on the cover
LyraV 42Dukes: I don't understand what you mean, he clearly stated that he is normally a very PC person but this chick is just so fucking hot.
gellaho: And this is the vanitiest vanity project that ever vanitied
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Michael dorn wrote the parts where he is describing himself.
gellaho: HISTORICAL PILLOWS
FancyShark: "Few minutes"? Kind of a self-own there, Dorn
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: I'm sure upholstery lasts for ages in a tropical, volcanic climate
gellaho: His professorial nature took over. Then his boner
FancyShark: She better be one of those Japanese spider demon ladies
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Look who's suddenly all concerned about the prime directive
gellaho: Cook sat outside talking about dirt excrement and chlorophyll remains while Miller got his rocks off
FancyShark: "I have syphilis"
LyraV 42Dukes: "Please stop staring at my breasts, we literally just met"
gellaho: Yuki turned Tony into a five syllable name
FancyShark: C'mon, spider demon. C'mon
gellaho: This is Tony Miller's first erection
FancyShark: "Hmm. Fascinating."
gellaho: "What is this powerful sexual attraction? Is this my Pon Farr?"; Jesus Christ, Tony
gellaho: Is Tony 14?
FancyShark: Our hero, too horny to listen to the warning about being a human sacrifice
gellaho: Because there's no other explanation for this amount of horny energy; Tony's boner turns toward this new, male entrant
FancyShark: "Oh, okay. Threeway"
LyraV 42Dukes: He senses where the throttle is and reaches for it with his pilots instincts.
FancyShark: Great job on lookout, Cook
gellaho: "Nose-to-nose, Tony resisted a make-out contest to prove who should have sex with Yuki"
FancyShark: Dance off; DANCE OFF!
gellaho: Coitus interruptus
FancyShark: Pirate didn't finish filling his charge bar
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: That must have been a very expressive point.
gellaho: Hope you were ready for signs of incest. Because I guess why not
FlippantSausage: Ohhhh nooooooooo its Pitcairn Island all over again!
FancyShark: "I tried. She's married."
gellaho: Why aren't there more Irish shipwreck survivors on this remote island!?
gellaho: Huh!? I ask you!?; Where are all the blue-eyed redheads?; You know, that common combination!
FancyShark: He's actually in Hong Kong. These are just some homeless people
gellaho: A region carrying a common ethnicity is a sign of interbreeding, right?
FlippantSausage: Miller is a two fisted......something or other not a geneticist!
gellaho: not like a normal thing?; it's gotta be incest
FlippantSausage: I think he just WANTs it to be incest, he been hitting that Game of Thrones porn hard.
FancyShark: Sure. You see more than two people of the same ethnicity, they're probably fucking their siblings
gellaho: Why does the black man know more about Polynesian culture than most?
gellaho: I mean, I'm not crazy, that's a weird thing to say, right?
FancyShark: I guess Pirate is the dude's actual name. Like Waiter, or Bellhop; No, you're right. It's weird
FlippantSausage: I was wondering why they capitalized it.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: He keeps jumping to the weirdest conclusions.
FlippantSausage: And yeah. its weird.
gellaho: OK, well, forget about all that
LyraV 42Dukes: then reassuring himself they make perfect sense
gellaho: Because there's an old woman with a machine gun cane
FancyShark: Fucking finally!; Also a dick kilt; A dick dress
gellaho: That's not how language works
FlippantSausage: DICK WITCH!; This is looking up!
Brendanonymous: Oh darn it's Friday isn't it
gellaho: That is how time works
LyraV 42Dukes: Hello @Brendanonymous this book is fucking fantastic
gellaho: And apprently the three people writing this book have never heard of false cognates; Or, false almost-sort of-near cognates
FancyShark: @Brendanonymous , get in here! You're missing out!
gellaho: Because Bakadoa is not that close to Matatoa; That's kind of like saying "bread" is close to "dead"
FancyShark: I like that the lady walked up to the group of warriors and basically said "Fighter?" No questioning who he is or how he arrived
FancyShark: It is if you have Celiac's Disease
FlippantSausage: The dick witch also only speaks in one word sentences.
gellaho: Sure whatever
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Don't worry about your dick
FlippantSausage: That is a wild assumption to make off one word.
gellaho: You know what they say, "if you can't eat bread, you might as well be dead"
FancyShark: This message brought to you by Sara Lee
FlippantSausage: Like Japanese has some single words for very complex things, Bakadoa could mean "Cut off his dick first, it's probably sweet."
gellaho: Sounds like a pretty shitty cell.
gellaho: Also, I guess he's in a cell
FancyShark: Hut. Cell. Box. Hard to say when human language is so vast and complex
LyraV 42Dukes: Maybe he will finally ask the name of the alien possessing his friend.
gellaho: Miller is employing the Jurassic Park raptor strategy
gellaho: Oh, you poor, poor, hopelessly delusional individual
FancyShark: Ahh, so now he is the Polynesian. Very sneaky, Dorn
FlippantSausage: He will later use his enlarged dew claw to gut someone and they will yell "Bakadoa" because that means "Oh shit, manraptor rampage!"
gellaho: You know, the cradle of civilization. The Polynesian islands; That's the only reason people know how to make boats
FancyShark: And who resorted to cannibalism when they ran out of food
FlippantSausage: Gauguin seemed to like it there.
LyraV 42Dukes: The Island of the Blue Dornphins
gellaho: This is like a shittier Scientology
FancyShark: Someone comes by and lifts the building up. "You know this is balsa wood, right?"
gellaho: Cook, Spock, coincidence?
FancyShark: Cook's headwound is turning black
FlippantSausage: "Guys, I'm beginning to think these people aren't Polynesian? Or at least.......maybe "Polynesian" might be a more vague designation than I thought!"
gellaho: "Man, I almost cucked that pirate guy"
Brendanonymous: Connecticut where everything is a gorgeous spring explosion
FlippantSausage: Lucky? I just overslept because my sleep has been disturbed lately.; "They have invented monogamy but not boats?! HOW?!"
FancyShark: "Say, did the Chief's belt look kind of dick-laden to you?"
LyraV 42Dukes: Hints of monogamy because she didn't instantly pay attention to his engorged boner after their 10 minute interaction. Way to go Miller.
FlippantSausage: Just straight up aren't going to even mention it because they want the dick belts to go away.
gellaho: Dude, you have no idea what Michael Dorn was up to in 1997
FlippantSausage: Miller is clicking his heels together saying "I don't believe in dick belts."
FancyShark: I hope the twist is that the tribe actually worships the tsunami and they call it back
gellaho: What the fuck does this mean!? Did they have a subway system? A monorail? An interstate!? The fuck
FlippantSausage: "ITS ALMOST LIKE THEY HAVE A UNIQUE CULTURE OR SOME SHIT?!"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Or maybe the boats are in part of the 99% of the island you haven't seen.
LyraV 42Dukes: This is some quality baffling right here.
FlippantSausage: "This is absolutely not at all like "Sex Orgies of Serawak" promised!"
FancyShark: Runa Puake, where the people all starved to death after resorting to cannibalism, was connected to Easter Island but they didn't notice signs of that before two idiots found it over the course of three and a half months; Thanks, Dorn
FlippantSausage: "Guys.......do stag mags count as non fiction periodicals? Asking for a friend."
gellaho: OK, so now we're dealing with an idea I've never liked in science fiction
gellaho: Which is that parallel evolution needs to have a common starting point for some reason
FancyShark: Miller still needs reminders that Cook is possessed
gellaho: TNG had this idea that all humanoid life needed to originate from a standard seed, which si so weird to me
FlippantSausage: It makes a kind of sense if you only half understand evolution, I suppose.; And assume it works on Pokemon rules.
FancyShark: I think it'd only result in identical civilizations if you had infinite worlds
gellaho: Gotta make a geico claim first though
gellaho: Well, you know, calculus was invented by two people at the same time. it'd be impossible that anything else could possibly happen that way
FancyShark: Rule of writing: Tell your audience something is a revelation rather than show it
gellaho: What!?
FancyShark: GASP!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Whatta twist!
FlippantSausage: "Jay is more demented than I thought!"
gellaho: Aw, what bad timing
FancyShark: dangit
gellaho: "Miller had already prepared many of his own dried body parts in advance"
FlippantSausage: Trying to guess whether this is them taking them to the "Welcome New Friends Feast" or the "Cut off their Dicks Feast"
FancyShark: Here's a hint: There is no "New Friends Feast"
gellaho: Maybe Dorn actually thinks he's a Klingon
FlippantSausage: He's really gambling on his understanding of that word.
FancyShark: Fun fact: the word "baka" in Japanese means "idiot"
gellaho: This is just a Klingon and Vulcan at this point
FlippantSausage: Ive been mainlining Dennard Dayles podcast, Weaboo Hell for the last couple days and all I keep thinking is someone is calling miller a "baka stepbro"
FancyShark: "First man who cums, loses"
FlippantSausage: "Um.....no? You didn't do that, Miller. You thumped your chest and said a word you only kind of understand. For all you know you told them to put you back in this cell and did an interpretive hand dance."
gellaho: "tú also meant 'you' in Spanish, but that couldn't be it"
FancyShark: "Now kiss"
FlippantSausage: "OH NO! FATAL MISCALCULATION! Bakadoa means "Dance off"!
FancyShark: YES! DANCE OFF!
gellaho: @FancyShark you still have a chance
FancyShark: C'mon, c'mon, c'mon...
FlippantSausage: Yeah kinda rooting for swim tied to a shark.; Tho to be fair it could be like one of those lil; smol ones
FancyShark: If he skies on a pair of sharks like Aquaman with a pair of dolphins, I'll forgive so much of this book
LyraV 42Dukes: I can see Dorn reading this paragraph aloud to himself. Just repeating 'He would survive'
gellaho: "Miller had never seen "The Day the Earth Stood Still" or "The Evil Dead," so he had no idea what "klaatu barada nikto" meant
FlippantSausage: Any minute now he's gonna use a full sentence, fuck it up because its Mandarin rules and tone and context matter, and call someone a "fried eel dish buoyancy boathook"
FancyShark: He already did. They just can't bring themselves to tell him. They think he's slow.
gellaho: "Just as every European nation celebrated Oktoberfest, so too did every Polynesian culture celebrate throw the dipshit in the volcano"
Emergency Swamp Moonshine Cerril: Oh yeah, I love ordering that at my local joint.
FlippantSausage: Woooo! Tossing morons in a volcanoooooooooooo!
FancyShark: Heya, @Emergency Swamp Moonshine Cerril !
FlippantSausage: Get a pig going on a spit, its Volcano Appeasement Day!
FancyShark: I'm glad they gave him a scarf. Volcanos get so chilly.
gellaho: I sure am glad these people keep talking to each other without understanding. It's so great
FlippantSausage: Should have washed him in coconut milk beforehand, so he would be flavored for the volcano.; Oh PIRATE is the stupid one, not the guy who kept repeating "Volcano sacrifice!"
FancyShark: Maybe it's the Evil Dead joke, but I'm having a much easier time with this by imagining it's Ash Williams
gellaho: I feel like you don't need a doctorate to answer that question
LyraV 42Dukes: I keep having to remind myself this is about an artifact that's integral to an alien time war.; Maybe?
gellaho: Luckily Army of Darkness didn't take this long to get to the point
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Michael dorn keeps forgetting he is traumatized by children
FlippantSausage: I'd rather be tossed in a volcano than have a baby, yes.
FancyShark: Glad none of the children he saw reminded him of that
gellaho: So, why the shudder?
FlippantSausage: Skeleton army makes it all worth it in the end, hopefully
John: Come on Lava Sharks!
FancyShark: Y'know, you'll still die from the fall, lava or not; LAVA SHARKS! LAVA SHARKS!
gellaho: Hopefully this gobbledygook means it's Miller Time
FlippantSausage: Are.......they about to be tossed into the thruster cone of a world ship? Or is describing a dormant volcano as an engine a Dorn thing?; Also Jay is getting a lot of ten dollar words from his head trauma and alien possession.
FancyShark: Sounds like the writers were banking on that high probability of success
gellaho: I'm assuming this is supposed to be some kind of grand point, but fuck me if I understand it
John: High probability of success because there's still...holy shit really?...300 pages to go.
FancyShark: BODHI?! FUCK! ABORT MISSION!
FlippantSausage: So the future war is Buddha vs like.......lumberjacks?; NUCLEAR BUDDHA?!
gellaho: I'm very afraid Bhodi Li is about to show up
FlippantSausage: THey are talking a lot for men being thrown into a volcano.; Even a dormant one.
FancyShark: Don't do this, Dorn! Peter David wrote those Star Trek books, but he's not your friend!
gellaho: Those aren't the worst odds I've ever heard
FancyShark: That's not bad at all
gellaho: Don't worry, Sulu's the one who grabbed his ass
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: As far as volcanos go
FancyShark: I've taken a higher risk rolling for initiative; 🤓
gellaho: That's not how math works
FlippantSausage: Fortunatly Miller has +5 to Surviving Volcano Sacrifice, so his odds are better.; "Yeah of course I'm calm, what are you, senile? I told you I wasn't Jay, what do I care if this meat puppet dies?"
FancyShark: One in seven vs One in seven million. Good thing Cook has that ninja training
LyraV 42Dukes: Dude Miller, you're friend is being puppeted by a being beyond your understanding. Figure it out, that is Not Cook.
gellaho: I'm too drunk for this
FlippantSausage: Also isnt Bodhi the name of a character in that Keanu Reeves surfer heist movie?; Is someone in this book Keanu Reeves and nobody said anything?!; For shame Mr. Dorn.
FancyShark: Oh god damn it, he's about to disintegrate the natives
gellaho: They are taking their sweetass time getting to this volcano
LyraV 42Dukes: I had forgotten the Volcano 😆
John: For two guys about to surf lava sharks and become time fuckers, this is a very boring book.
FancyShark: Rule of volcano sacrifice: Gotta give the victims enough time to have a long ass conversation
FlippantSausage: So......if I'm reading this conflict right........the time traveling environmentalists have engineered this native culture to toss these specific two idiots into a volcano, and Miller is going to save the future for.....Monsanto?
gellaho: Apparently the chaos regulator does affect gravity. Despite what was said earlier
gellaho: Probably not, but this is very poorly written; Help me preserve the regular movement of time, Tai Chi!
gellaho: Nooooooi
FlippantSausage: OH SHIT IT GOT LOVECRAFTIAN!
FancyShark: You don't get to claim Miller has a scientific mind this far in, book
FlippantSausage: Pretty soon Miller is going to find out his grandma was a fish and the rats are going to start whispering secrets.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: I mean, we didn't believe you the first dozen times.
gellaho: Conch shells sound like trumpets, right?
John: I'm still hung up on the "oh yeah, my arm is heavy too. I noticed it but didn't say anything" part. That kind of lazy writing pisses me off.
FancyShark: Suddenly, the tsunami flies in, riding a lava shark
FlippantSausage: I like the idea that the entire fanfare is just a series of loud conch farts repeated several times in no particular tune.
FancyShark: Blaaaaaaaat
gellaho: Welp, we've given up trying to make sense
LyraV 42Dukes: slowly, then quickly, then slowly again
FancyShark: We'll fix this in the next video card update
FlippantSausage: How do you feel time, Miller?!; TELL ME THAT MR SCIENCE MAN!
FancyShark: He is The One
FlippantSausage: I just started hating Miller.; Like a looooot.
LyraV 42Dukes: Flickering.
FlippantSausage: It doesn't take much but "feeling time" does that.
gellaho: What strange basketball is this? Dr James Naismith, answer me!
FlippantSausage: "OH NO MY CHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"
FancyShark: Duuuuuuuuude
gellaho: The primordial basketball tells secrets of the game no baller can answer
FlippantSausage: This passage is exactly like a passage in a 40k novel describing being adrift in the Warp, and I dont think Dorn meant to imply Miller is entering a co-terminous mental hellscape where emotions are given physical form.
FancyShark: Nope. Just a Denny's
gellaho: Roll the bones, baby
FlippantSausage: SKELETON ARMY!
gellaho: Maybe, just maybe, tell me what does matter and ignore the flat bones
FancyShark: Well, go to hell, us, I guess
FlippantSausage: "YOu know what reader? Fuck you for even noticing those panels and wondering what they could be made of."
gellaho: My head hurts
FancyShark: Coppery mango, sure
FlippantSausage: The artifact has tentacles now?
gellaho: This is officially worse than the Photon book about the cosmic laser tag gods
FancyShark: And weirder than the space whale
FlippantSausage: These guys are trying to do a Roger Zelazny Amber Chronicles Hellride thing, and fucking it up.; Fucking. It. Up.
gellaho: How could you possibly know that
FlippantSausage: "Okay now your pants."
FancyShark: Okay, that's it. Go fuck yourselves, authors
FlippantSausage: "No, do it slow."
gellaho: That's not even how Portuguese, Spanish or Italian work, and they're almost the same
LyraV 42Dukes: The Q to an M
John: I wish languages were that easy to learn. Half the letters are the same, so it's the same thing.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Your track record at translating this language has not been great, Miller
FancyShark: At the end, we find out it was just a Boston accent
FlippantSausage: "Ho....homophones?! WHAT FUTURE TECHNOLOGY IS THIS! MY MIND REELS! MY CHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!?"
gellaho: You know how you motion a spear to tell someone to undress
gellaho: I assume it's pointing the spearhead at the dick
FlippantSausage: When a man with a pointy stick gestures with it, nine of ten times its "Get nude."
FancyShark: "Dribbled! I'm Michael Dorn, and I do sport!"
FlippantSausage: You will absolutely know if its not.
gellaho: Come on, Dorn, give me a dick description
FlippantSausage: Is this just Dorn working up to a nude Polynesian lacross scene?
FancyShark: I don't think "modesty" is the most heroic reason to defy the murderous volcano worshippers
gellaho: But first, fucking nonsense
LyraV 42Dukes: His movements smelled like what now?
FancyShark: They wrote down their acid trip
Conspicuous Loaf of Meatbread: Well.
gellaho: Four cubes does not describe a ding dong, Dorn
Conspicuous Loaf of Meatbread: I can't unread that.
FlippantSausage: All this is Miller tripping because he touched some kind of venomous frog and its kicking in.
Conspicuous Loaf of Meatbread: So that's a thing that's stuck with me forever.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: He's trying to describe synesthesia but it just comes off like bad similes.
FlippantSausage: It's like a total square describing an acid trip.
LyraV 42Dukes: Good I thought Cook was turning into a robot or something.
FancyShark: This is a good summary
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: That should have been on the back cover
gellaho: And, yes, I am only on page 97
gellaho: One more chapter. It's short
FlippantSausage: I don;t even know if that is bad at this point.
John: "Miller died painfully. It was a better death than he deserved."
gellaho: I fought a heavy backpack in high school. It wasn't exactly heroic. It was full of textbooks
FlippantSausage: GOD JUST DROP COOK INTO A GRAVITY ANOMALY AND MAKE HIM IMPLODE FOR FUCKS SAKES!
gellaho: You. Said. It. Was. Chaos.
FlippantSausage: Wait he only just now realized it was gravity?!
FancyShark: THEY SAID IT WAS CHAOS!; IT CONTROLS THE CHAOS OF SPACE-TIME!; READ YOUR OWN FUCKING WORK, DORN!
gellaho: Not paste, flat bones.
John: At this point I have to hope he had nothing with writing this and just took $500 to put his name on the cover. Worf deserves better.
FlippantSausage: Miller, everyone knows this is how Polynesians make milk.
FancyShark: So based on Miller's assumption, the meaning is that he should turn around and flee the door at all costs
FlippantSausage: Or maybe circle around the gravitic anomaly? The geography of the scene is very unclear.; Probably the correct thing is NOT to go towards the thing increasing your body weight exponentially with every step until your organs burst under their own weight tho.
gellaho: Cook is going for it. It isn't going well
FancyShark: "It was so hot"
LyraV 42Dukes: Dude I've just been laughing, I can't stop this book is amazing. Who let them publish this? Where were his friends?
FlippantSausage: If this was a movie a moving power ballad would be playing.; Because I have this down as an 80s movie.
FancyShark: Maybe this book was Dorn's way of signaling Hemingway was holding him hostage?
FancyShark: It's from 1997
gellaho: HarperPrism, a division of publishing giant Harper Collins
LyraV 42Dukes: To be fair, I love it. It's awesome.
FlippantSausage: And somehow the movie is still from 1984
FancyShark: This really is the perfect book to riff
FlippantSausage: Oooh Cook represents Hemingways ghost!; Shit got deep.
FancyShark: Right down to the head trauma!; Well, maybe not as intense for Cook
FlippantSausage: I dont know how a ghost being smushed by a gravity affecting space pyramid tracks with this as a metaphor, but neither does anyone else.
gellaho: What could these panels be doing?
gellaho: Certaintly couldn't be generating the gravity
FancyShark: I'm not sure. My lucidity is cracking under the pressure; Maybe try some science, Miller?
gellaho: Oh, no. Miller is going to have to tell Jerry
FlippantSausage: Do some science you prick!
LyraV 42Dukes: He took no extra precautions or tried anything other than exactly what the others did. ONLY MORE MICHAEL! I mean MILLER!
gellaho: I hope by science you mean dick kick
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Are the islanders harvesting the crushed dicks from these bodies?
FlippantSausage: Man its going to be rough for Miller to find out he just said "Butt stuff" to Pirate.
FancyShark: It's no lava shark, but it's still rad
gellaho: Oh, no, not even the dick kick is powerful enough
FancyShark: Wow. Cowed by a nudge. Some hero.
FlippantSausage: Wow this momentary resistance did exactly nothing.; Great job, science man.
FancyShark: ohhh, he can translate without being an asshole about it now
FlippantSausage: "Miller didn't even expect it to work, and just wanted to kick Pirate in the dick for cock blocking him."
gellaho: One last not-really-cucking from our hero
FancyShark: hahaha; Our hero is a real piece of trash
LyraV 42Dukes: The death of Cook is still weighing heavily on him.
FlippantSausage: Damn that is like one step from breathing "I fucked your sister." into someones ear after a take down.
FancyShark: So you can see why the time traveling aliens entrusted the gravity orb to Miller
gellaho: I mean, you have a doctorate and many years of military and martial arts training. These are weird island people with pointy sticks
FancyShark: "Math says to quit being a pussy"
LyraV 42Dukes: He was more man than seven men.
FlippantSausage: He kicked Pirates ass pretty easily, he might be able to just run off? Nobody actually intervened, and he could make some armor out of coconuts and a bit of creeper.
gellaho: What!? The rectangular panels were important! Unbelievable
John: Inconceivable!
FancyShark: Miller immediately vows to get a personal pan pizza
FlippantSausage: Youd have thought Cook would have been a little clearer, but then again, Miller doesnt fucking listen.
gellaho: A 500 pound man!? Impossible!
FancyShark: TLC is suddenly interested
gellaho: Goddammit, Miller
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Miller is so dumb his friend died
FancyShark: "Almost literally"; He's going to tell Jerry his dad died for no reason
gellaho: How?
FlippantSausage: "BEcause Miller doesn't listen, Cook knew he HAD to make a big dramatic thing about it. He just didnt have time to write instructions in his own blood."
LyraV 42Dukes: He's just 'Pirate' I'd become numb to that and now it's funny again.
gellaho: Spears!? I didn't know they were throwing spears! Why didn't anyone tell me?
FancyShark: Pirate's being really uncool about the jerk that almost fucked his wife; Miller is beginning to suspect these people are hostile
gellaho: I fucking get it, triple authors
FlippantSausage: Man, Pirate has some primo aim, he must have practiced because throwing a spear already has some drop, with the gravity well, it would be pretty gnarly.
FancyShark: DO YOU?! WE CAN CLARIFY FOR ANOTHER FIVE PAGES!
John: I doubt a giant hole in his leg will heal in a few weeks, but I'm not an archaeologist.
FlippantSausage: If the bronze head is flattened by the gravity and impact, then how is it not also tearing itself down his leg like an unzipped hotdog?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: It's a wound that will cause maximum disability but will heal with no lasting damage; perfectly clear
gellaho: I touched their God-artifact, why don't they love me?
FlippantSausage: "Why aren't they cheering?"; Fuck you, Miller.
FancyShark: A sliver of rock causes the same amount of pain as a spear gouge
gellaho: Sure, oxygen drunk. Whatever
FlippantSausage: How...........do these people think gravity works?
FancyShark: "In actuality, the best air he ever breathed was the air he stole from Cook, who would never breathe again"
gellaho: Dramatics now, why not
FlippantSausage: Like..........its emanating from the artifact horizontally but.......still doing things to the normal gravity?!; I've never seen a sci fi writer with this loose a grasp on gravity.
FancyShark: Aw. I was hoping his gesture would be a crotch grab followed by double birds
FlippantSausage: Oh nevermind, he went to Berkeley.
gellaho: I think Michael Dorn might have thought he was actually a Klingon
FlippantSausage: Explains a lot.
LyraV 42Dukes: He posed like no one had ever posed before. He flexed enough for seven men and ten more besides. He was All men. He was DORN. I mean MILLER.
FancyShark: This would make a pretty typical Star Trek; Except for all the taunting the woman's husband; That's more NuTrek
gellaho: Sure, the four rectangles somehow formed a six-sided container
FancyShark: "Please wait while I assemble this Rubik's Cube"
FlippantSausage: That's just math........shapes math!
gellaho: It's three dimensional, you need six sides
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: It really strikes me as kind of a Kirk thing, to be honest.
FlippantSausage: Maybe two of them fold?; No wait......; Fuck me.; I am bad at shapes math.
FancyShark: Yeah, but if it was classic Kirk, he'd have been in there before the husband even showed up
FlippantSausage: Riker would have tried for a three way.
LyraV 42Dukes: Like those spheres you get out of grocery store coin machines?
gellaho: Well, I guess we'll stop with the Pirate cuck charging Miller
FancyShark: oh no, whatever will the angry man with a stick do against the man who ascended to godhood
gellaho: Not a great place to stop, but there have been no good places to stop and I'm 115 pages into this 275 page book
John: We thank you for your sacrifice @gellaho
FancyShark: I'd say it's a good stopping point
FlippantSausage: It's a classic Star Trek cliffhanger.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Wow, we've been at this for a while.
gellaho: To be continued
LyraV 42Dukes: You are a star @gellaho Thank You So Much!
John: 5 hours to get to the actual plot of the story. That's gotta be a record.
FancyShark: This was awesome; Thank you, @gellaho !; Outstanding riffing, everyone!
gellaho: Thanks for being part of part one of this mutlipart series, who knows how many more parts there will be
gellaho: Fuck this book is crazy
FancyShark: That was a ton of fun; But yeah, it's definitely late. Gotta get dinner going. Have a good night, everybody! See you tomorrow, hopefully for Fight Night!
gellaho: This honestly might be the audio book I end up doing after Target Steele. Just, wild shit
gellaho: The Book Cage: Episode 60, Part 2: Let's Do the Time Blender Again; We will return to some of the craziest shit I've ever read with Star Trek's Michael Dorn's TIME BLENDER. Get prepared with some cliff top Tai Chi and bring along your possessed dead colleague. Be sure to avoid any chaos/gravity controlling artifacts so you can make it this Friday, 5PM eastern.
gellaho
Relax the back, cultivate Javo: hi gellaho I miss you. Did you see the dinosaur book
gellaho: @Brockway pin this, or be speared by an ancient pseudo-Polynesian Pirate
gellaho: I did
Relax the back, cultivate Javo: sick
gellaho: Goodbye until Friday
Relax the back, cultivate Javo: toodles
FancyShark: Later!
LyraV 42Dukes: I'm so psyched! I fucking love this book.
gellaho: Hey nerds. A little over an hour until TIME BLENDER continues. The preview still hasn't happened, so here it is again.
gellaho: I'm both under the weather and have drank a bottle of wine, so this should be great.
FancyShark: Oh no! Cold?
gellaho: Probably. I felt decent enough to drink a bottle of wine, so
FancyShark: That still sucks. Hope you feel better soon.
LyraV 42Dukes: Thank you for still doing this even when you're not feeling well, I've been looking forward to this book all week.
gellaho: If I'm ever too sick to read, you can consider me legally dead
FancyShark: I will have to duck out for a while in the middle of today's reading. Hopefully that doesn't cause me to miss the...uh...; I remember something about chaos being gravity and the hero being an idiot who let his friend's headwound go untreated and the friend was possessed by a thing and there was a volcano sacrifice attempt.; Did we ever get as far as a proper plot?
LyraV 42Dukes: There was an artifact that was also a gravity guarded time door and that had to do with the....war? Some kind of alien invasion maybe? It was kind of implied the arifact was important by whatever was possessing his buddy but Dorn never really addressed any of that. He was busy ogling the nude lady who was hanging out with that Pirate. Trying to remember has left me more confused.
FancyShark: Yeah. Artifact was necessary to stop an intergalactic conflict and they chose him as the best person to mediate it
FlippantSausage: All I really focused on was "What kind of dingus does a volcano sacrifice in an INACTIVE volcano?"
Brendanonymous: IT; IS; TIME
gellaho: Time to Blend, baby
gellaho: In case you missed it, or like me, were very drunk. Our hero, Michael Dorn Tony Miller, had just turned off an artifact that controlled chaos/gravity by solving a puzzle he didn't understand
FancyShark: Michael Dorn's self-insert protagonist is just the most awesomest. So he and a ninja biologist investigated an island close to Easter Island for 3.5 months. They were the only two people on the island because the civilization they were investigating all died after they used up all natural resources and turned to cannibalism. His buddy then fell and hit his head, woke up speaking like an alien or a demon, and he tried to fly his buddy to the hospital.; They got distracted by a dormant volcano, crashed, and discovered ships and planes from all eras of history were being used as housing for a volcano worshipping tribe. Our hero liked a naked lady, the lady's husband Pirate didn't like him. They tried to sacrifice our heroes to a volcano, then he received The Artifact, which is the key to stopping intergalactic war. It contains chaos. Except then it's actually gravity. He is now a god.
gellaho: Accurate
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: He also has Mok'bara tai chi mind powers.
gellaho: Here comes the Pirate spear. A well known pirate weapon
Brendanonymous: Okay, so there's a timespace wormhole fucking everything up and it's better than Michael Crichton, got it.
FancyShark: Yeah. Also, Tony never realized his buddy was possessed by an alien and was incredulous when told
LyraV 42Dukes: I forgot the Pirate is named 'Pirate'
FancyShark: And his friend died saving him from the Artifact
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Wasn't the pirate just an islander in a pirate costume?
FancyShark: I think so?
FlippantSausage: Or just nobody cared to ask his name. he's probably got one, and like....aspirations and shit.
FancyShark: Yeah. Tony just calls him "Pirate" because of his outfit
FlippantSausage: Too bad, hes gonna get tai chid into the next life.
FancyShark: Tony is not a smart or likable man
FlippantSausage: And miller is gonna fuck his wife.
gellaho: Miller uses his black belt in karate to lift a panel
FancyShark: Getting knocked on your ass is the same as getting crushed by a huge object
FlippantSausage: I was hoping he'd realize he has the Half Life gravity gun in that box.; Like cmon.
gellaho: Very heroic
FlippantSausage: Chekhovs gravity box.
FancyShark: holy shit!
FlippantSausage: lol rad.
FancyShark: That'll teach him to not want another guy to bang his wife
LyraV 42Dukes: You also can really feel those three writers at certain points.
FlippantSausage: The videogame adaptation would make some money with this.
gellaho: Well, he came at you with a spear. You gotta defend yourself
FlippantSausage: Really? Horrified?; more like Hornified.
FancyShark: No, you're a murderer, Miller. You just murderered.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Also there were all those kids the authors keep forgetting about
FlippantSausage: You don't super gravity murder a man and not get at least a half chub.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: You stealth bombered an orphanage, dude
gellaho: I don't remember establishing that the possession was from the future, but OK
Brendanonymous: He Red Vipered him!
FancyShark: oh right, Miller has PTSD for blowing up a school or orphanage instead of Saddam Hussein; Except they forgot about that after the first chapter
FlippantSausage: They look about the same from 20 thousand feet and moving at the speed of sound.
FancyShark: He was a pilot in Desert Storm
FlippantSausage: Also those orphans probably had like....dangerous stuff like empty water containers.
Brendanonymous: So this artifact is like a 2D black hole?
FlippantSausage: But also chaos.
gellaho: I guess Miller now has free reign. So he buries his friend
FancyShark: "Certainly more peaceful than he'd looked since the head wound"
FlippantSausage: Man he is doing some reaching to assign some emotional context to the flat puddle of goo that used to be Cook.; You flatten a skull and the facial expressions start to look a bit different.
FancyShark: Northeast, Cook's favorite direction
gellaho: Two things: (1) No idea how he knows which direction Berkeley is, (2) Why bury him like Berkeley is a religious location?
FlippantSausage: "Buried" is kind of a loose way to describe "Sloshed him out of a bucket."
FancyShark: Berkeley is the Mecca of tenured professors
FancyShark: "Wrung out"
Brendanonymous: Maybe it's where they first made love to a common street trollop at the same time.
gellaho: Miller is too embarrassed to eulogize his buddy
FlippantSausage: Hes part passenger pigeon.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Like from Who Framed Roger Rabbit
FancyShark: "Sorry I didn't take you to a hospital?"; Nah, you're right. Silence is best.
LyraV 42Dukes: His close friend who he only mostly interally resented and harshly judged.
Brendanonymous: Pirate slowly rose from his puddled state. His insane, cartoon eyes whirling as he screamed.
FlippantSausage: "Welp, Cook ol buddy......I gotta go fuck a widow. Later, gator."
gellaho: Miller considers reckless speculation a key part of the scientific process
Brendanonymous: DO YOU REMEMBER ME, WORF? When I killed your captain, I looked JUST! LIKE! THIS!; RIP Cook, a character I almost met.
FancyShark: Miller still hasn't learned their language or heard them say more than one word that he thinks means "warrior"
FlippantSausage: "It occurred to Miller that since he had put their god in a box, that left a certain amount of opportunity for social advancement, according to his Polynesian culture expertise."
gellaho: Miller majored in jumping to conclusions
FancyShark: Actual translation: "Fuck you"
Brendanonymous: Worf is your god now, fools! And Worf desires--SHAVED ICE!
FlippantSausage: You can tell Miller comes from America and is in academia because he instantly feels the need to "fix" someone elses culture.
gellaho: Fucking nerd
Brendanonymous: If he were british he would have eaten their dead, so I'll take that hit.
FlippantSausage: God he is taking so goddam long to declare himself god king.
FancyShark: "And maybe, if there was time, inform Cook's family"
FlippantSausage: "Was Cook married? Miller would have to check. Maybe HIS widow would need some Miller Time."
Brendanonymous: How will these poor childlike innocents survive on the island they have lived on countless generations without a dangerous god to exploit them?
gellaho: The fish excrement really cleans out those wounds
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: "he briefly remembered Cook's son as he wiped the last of Cook's organs off his hands"
A Wombat: Does salt water cleanse wounds that effectively?
Brendanonymous: It's pretty good!
A Wombat: When it's in the sea?
Brendanonymous: My cuts healed a lot faster in summer as a kid.
A Wombat: Where all sorts of thousands of animals live?
FancyShark: Come on, sharks! Blood in the water!
Brendanonymous: Because fish, I dunno.
A Wombat: Huh.; Well then. Carry on, murderous psychopath!; Carry on.
Brendanonymous: It's MILLER time, sharks.
gellaho: Miller decides that cleansing fire is the only answer
FancyShark: We almost had lava sharks last time. This book is a goddamn tease
A Wombat: The best way to solve this society's prolems?; Introduce them to fossil fuels.
FlippantSausage: DRUNKEN BONFIREEEEEEE!
A Wombat: What could possibly go wrong.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: He searched a forest and found wood? His reputation as a brilliant outdoorsman is justified
FlippantSausage: "I AM YOUR PROMETHEUUS!"
gellaho: Well, I guess Miller has just gone crazy
A Wombat: Technically, Prometheus put himself at risk and engaged in great treachery and courage to steal fire.
FancyShark: Yes, Miller. Rewriting a culture is something that should be banged out before nighty night
A Wombat: Miller just found some fuel and started fire.; He's like dollar store Prometheus.
Brendanonymous: Behold, I have burned down your forest, forcing you to adapt.; Take to the sea and harvest its bounty!
FancyShark: "No fish in sea. All die."
A Wombat: Take to the sea! The aquatic ape theory may have been horseshit, but we can fix that this time!; What was his doctorate in, anyway?
FlippantSausage: Wait how did he work nursery rhymes into his doctoral thesis?
FancyShark: "No ape. Ape all die."
gellaho: Miller burns his dick with a flare gun
A Wombat: Like, is he a doctor of anything that would be useful for civilization.
FancyShark: Paleontology?
A Wombat: ...oh, no, never mind, he's decided to become a vengeful and wrathful God.
FlippantSausage: Polynesian Studies?
A Wombat: Cool.
LyraV 42Dukes: If you're going to make the main character so clearly yourself it seems like you'd write less of an insufferable dick.
FancyShark: "Chief, your god has an owie on his downstairs place. Kiss and make better."; "Fucking colonizing jackass."
A Wombat: Someone once wrote a time travel story about how utterly useless most modern academics and technologists would be even three hundred years ago.; This guy? He didn't read that story.; I can't think of the name.
FlippantSausage: Thats the difference between us plebes and the golden elite of the cast of TNG.
Brendanonymous: I bet 95% of the time in these situations, the hunter-gatherers are just like "Oh wow, this guy has some dope shit."
A Wombat: I know it's something de Camp went back to, but it wasn't his short story. Dammit, now that's going to bother me.
FlippantSausage: "Lets wait until this idiot falls asleep and slit his throat and let God out of that stupid box."
A Wombat: If these hunter gatherers are stupid enough to fall for this, and not simultaneously smart enough to realize they can kill you and take your stuff, or enslave you and make you perform it at their will.; You are not building a society.
gellaho: Well, that's that. I guess, new religion
A Wombat: You are establishing an adult education center.
FlippantSausage: "We can let Dan's wife Yuki do it."
A Wombat: See? See? Adult education center.
FlippantSausage: Jesus he just set these poor fuckers up for Hernan Cortez.
FancyShark: If a man can turn you into liquid with a thought, it doesn't matter what he says. You nod.
gellaho: Fuck it, party time!
gellaho: Miller also doesn't have a way to leave
A Wombat: "Why does God's messenger need beer?"; Trick question, everyone needs beer.; The Sumerians were right.
FancyShark: I'm glad he decided to be polite after crushing one of their people into marinara
A Wombat: About this and so much else.
FlippantSausage: You don't wanna be worshipping the gods that didnt invent booze, they suck.
A Wombat: It's Miller time!; All the time.
gellaho: The writer(s) experiment with short sentences
FancyShark: Funny that Miller didn't decide their society could do without the dick skirt the Chief has
LyraV 42Dukes: I bet the naked native woman shows back up.
A Wombat: So... at some point in the mysterious future, a person you won't recognize will be your God, come among you. And you will know him from his actions because like me, his messenger, he will probably kill all sorts of you with powers beyond your comprehension.; I've heard worse religions.
gellaho: Time to fuck Pirate's lady friend
A Wombat: Oh good, she either believes you're an all powerful immortal.
LyraV 42Dukes: Just so he can desperately pretend to respect her for at least a paragraph. I was wrong.
FancyShark: Then the knives
A Wombat: OR she thinks you're a moron.; That's a sound policy to base a sexual relationship on.; No notes.
Brendanonymous: I grew up Catholic, so all this is in Revelation.
gellaho: Bare asses always make me think about potatoes, too
A Wombat: Like I said, it's not a bad pitch.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: The fact that his dick has flare gun blisters on it slightly diminished the experience
A Wombat: Okay, so... unrelated... has any of these people actually touched silk?; Because if your partner's skin feels like silk, something is wrong.; That's not a texture humans come in.
FancyShark: "Again?" or "Better luck second time?"
FlippantSausage: Wow two times. Going real hard on the "Miller\Dorn is an indefatigable lover..........ladieeeesssss."
A Wombat: I'm not sure it's a texture anything alive comes in besides silk worms, and most of the time they're not when we take the silk away.
Brendanonymous: Some millers grind grain. This Miller grinds pubic mounds.
A Wombat: Now, now.; Generally pubic mounds.
gellaho: The fun thing about writing is that you can ignore all the realities of the world. Like, where does gasoline come from
A Wombat: So... none of that was necessary?
FancyShark: Gas tanks are full of Pirate
A Wombat: He could have refilled his gas tanks whenever he wanted?
Brendanonymous: Maybe he condensed from the other planes.
FlippantSausage: He built one from RAW TIME!
A Wombat: Gasoline doesn't work that way, but most people don't know that.; So I'm going to allow it.; But I'm watching you, Dorn.
gellaho: They certainly won't notice the crippled man dragging a sacred artifact down a volcano
A Wombat: Wait, I just figured it out.; He's not really writing a novel.; He's writing an in-universe Star Trek book.; A book about "Why we follow the Prime Directive'.
FancyShark: Yeah, the whole thing has played like a Star Trek story so far
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Miller is a star trek villain
gellaho: That must be some sex
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: i guess he replicated that gasoline then
A Wombat: Wow, he angered the actual Gods.
Brendanonymous: Yeah but these planes are in a time dilation from whooooo everywhere.; they might all be like six months old relatively.
FlippantSausage: Yes, we all know that feeling of reluctance to leave the woman you barely know but have fucked three times after liquifying her husband.
A Wombat: I mean, that's possible, but it's way more credit than I want to give him.
gellaho: Well, their society was fucked with a future space artifact that controls gravity and chaos. So I don't think this qualifies
Brendanonymous: There is no sex in Star Trek.
A Wombat: Do two wrongs make a right in a prime directive situation?; Captain Kirk says maybe!
Brendanonymous: But also wars
FancyShark: I'm sorry, Brendan, but Kirk says otherwise
gellaho: Now visions of Bhodi Lis
Brendanonymous: The kobayashi maru is completely solvable if you propose an orgy.
FancyShark: NOOOOO!; No Bodhi Li!
Brendanonymous: The minute I knew JJ Abrams was a hack was Kirk boning two green chicks to the Black Keys.
FlippantSausage: "Miller rolled onto his back and fired his gun into the air, emptying the clip."
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: The bohdis are just mimics from D&D
gellaho: Very logical
FancyShark: Fascinating
A Wombat: Somewhere, Spock is holding his head in pain.
FlippantSausage: Oh now you summon the specter of logic now that the glowing orb is in play.
A Wombat: And Nimoy's been dead for years.
Brendanonymous: I'm not saying the Black Keys aren't great fuck-music. I'm just saying imagine if I took you home and then played you some horny 16th C. baroque organista music.; Wombat, I don't need to know I missed the baroque period by 200 years.
A Wombat: But; but
gellaho: After jumping to several conclusions, he refuses this
FlippantSausage: I dunno if you were James Tiberius Kirk id see where it was going.
FancyShark: goddammit, Tony
A Wombat: Honestly, I really would not be surprised if Kirk had surprising taste in baroque music.
FancyShark: You're demanding proof after the dude that told you about the war is dead?!
A Wombat: Kirk isn't dumb, he's blunt.
FlippantSausage: Miller is still fucking around being a doubter after boxing up a time bending gravity orb.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Star trek characters love anything in the public domain
FlippantSausage: And fuckin.
A Wombat: I mean, that's probably the real reason.; But I also like to imagine they love our earlier history because the late 20th century is just trash to them.
gellaho: You say this about a group of people who are obsessed with old show tunes
LyraV 42Dukes: These things didnt happen with Tony, except for all the things that have totally happened!
A Wombat: So they retained none of it.; Like there's a history class in the Star Trek world where they just say '1945 to 2050, nothing of value happened in culture."
LyraV 42Dukes: Also I refer to myself by my full name and all my titles in my interal monologue.
A Wombat: Maybe that's why you don't have a PhD.
gellaho: The ancient makeout ritual
A Wombat: I'm not saying that referring to yourself in the third person with all your titles will give you a PhD.
FancyShark: The necklace is filled with grenades
A Wombat: I'm just saying I don't think we can rule out that's why it happens in the Dornverse.
FlippantSausage: Wow she made that in three or four day........oh that was for someone else originally.....
Brendanonymous: The Orville, to its credit, drops so much 20/21st c. pop culture they call out its richness and then make a random 23rd c. reference to "Zorgo the jazz-o-sax player."
A Wombat: Because honestly, this schmuck?; He bought that PhD.; With daddy's money.
FancyShark: He's tenured!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: This necklace is a big departure from this tribes usual dick-based jewellry
gellaho: "Peace out, bitches"
A Wombat: Is there a reason he didn't take her with him? Besides the obvious?; Like, he killed her husband and then claimed her in a way that no one else will want to have her because she belongs to God.
FancyShark: She had sex with him. Her purpose is complete.
A Wombat: Her life is probably going to suck from this point on.
LyraV 42Dukes: Yeah but then he'd have to like...talk to her and learn about her and stuff.
FlippantSausage: Miller thought " Miller Time continues unabated, its for everyone."
A Wombat: You're right, that's ridiculous.
gellaho: You know, lemon pudding crust. We're all familiar with that
Brendanonymous: Maybe in their society she's now a holy relic and all the men will line up until her blessed vagina knows its deserved holy pleasure.
A Wombat: I'm not sure that's not worse, but sure.
Brendanonymous: Hi, I'm Ice Honey Love, anime artist. Draw the above with your kids using circles and tubes.
FancyShark: Yeah, I've tried that line
A Wombat: So... where's Dorn from?
FancyShark: Murica
FlippantSausage: Dornopolis, circa 3040
gellaho: Miller steadfastly refuses to acknowledge his reality
A Wombat: Right. Is... is lemon pudding served with a hard crust in some part of this country I'm not aware of?
FancyShark: The analogies in this book are amazing
Brendanonymous: He got langoliered!
A Wombat: OH NO.; HIS BOOK IS BEING INVADED BY A MUCH BETTER AUTHOR'S BOOK.
FancyShark: YES!; THE TSUNAMI WAS WAITING FOR HIM!
FlippantSausage: "FREE TRIP TO TAHITI! MILLER TIME BITCHESSSSS!"
gellaho: This exact same thing happened before, but Miller is befuddled
FancyShark: "Huh. Weather."
LyraV 42Dukes: I enjoy that he shouted 'Home free!' after time freezing and the ominous radio message.
FlippantSausage: "There's no possible logical way this could happen twice. So it's obviously not happening."
gellaho: Tsunami: The Revenge
A Wombat: I would have thought short term memory a vital quality in someone flying a plane.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Did the author that wrote this part read the previous storm scene?
FancyShark: YEEEEESSSSSSS
FlippantSausage: Listening skills too.
A Wombat: Hang on.; Guys, I have it.; We've been wrong all this time.; The storm is the hero.
gellaho: Quite the gamble
FancyShark: Megalodons, I implore you: go for the buzzing thing just above the water!
gellaho: "CRA-ACK!" Went the big guns of the storm
FlippantSausage: I dont think "Fly real low" is the best idea for dealing with bad weather but then again, I'm not a qualified pilot.
A Wombat: Jump, sharks!
Brendanonymous: I just got here, and all I know about Miller is he murdered the only other outsider, seduced a woman, then abandoned her, taking with him the device keeping their culture alive. From this point in the story he is the villain.
A Wombat: Jump like you never jumped before!
FancyShark: You're caught up then
gellaho: Seems legit
FlippantSausage: Enjoy Neptunes cold embrace, Miller!
FancyShark: Tsunami's excited because it was hoping to see Cook again
FlippantSausage: In before he freezes time and walks to Tahiti.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: 'bellowed' was an odd choice of word here
gellaho: What luck
A Wombat: I think it works.; Other dumb animals bellow.
FlippantSausage: It's more manly than "screamed girlishly"
FancyShark: The vehicles are lined up to watch him crash
A Wombat: Awww, the thief, murderer and seducer is going to make it.; Our hero, boys and girls.
gellaho: It did. The Artifact. And it was.
A Wombat: Ow.; If it was that heavy, I would think he'd have secured it better.
gellaho: For the people who missed last time, the first thing Yuki did upon meeting Miller was try to fuck him in Pirate's house
A Wombat: On his tiny plane.
A Wombat: Oh good.
FlippantSausage: To be fair I think it could probably increase it's weight as it likes.
A Wombat: I withdraw the charge.
FlippantSausage: That artifact is trying to fuck him up.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Should have got some bungee cords at the gas station he topped his plane off at
gellaho: They were also horrifically sacrificing people to the artifact, so they're probably better off without it
FancyShark: The Idiot and The Doomsday Device, this Fall on CBS
Brendanonymous: Klingons only have one means of expression. This character has Dornlungs.
A Wombat: I mean, I guess.
FlippantSausage: Hey a communal liquification is what brings a village together!
gellaho: Peace out, bitches
FancyShark: Boom-Crunch is a great cereal. Actually better than Lucky Charms
Brendanonymous: The artifact is God's clitoris, and it is wrathful at Dorn's neglect.
A Wombat: On the other hand, I'm pretty sure that now the artifact is in his hands, we're all much worse off.; So swings and roundabouts.
gellaho: This better be good, Dorn-Hemingway-Lindsay
FancyShark: "Surprise! Happy Birthday!"
A Wombat: A unicorn.; If it's not at least a unicorn, I will be disappointed.
FlippantSausage: Miller Time. Miller Time is what occurred.
FancyShark: A creature wearing the faces of all the dead Arab children he killed appears and gives him a kiss
A Wombat: That is the level of amazement I expect from you now, Dorn.
gellaho: Oh, reality flickered at the end of this. Not the half-dozen times it hit the ground before that
A Wombat: This would beat a unicorn.
gellaho: Everything that happened before reality flickering was perfectly reasonable
FancyShark: Idea: the thing the writers never had, yet also had too many of
A Wombat: Nope. The artifact doing what we were told it can and would do is not unicorn level.
FlippantSausage: It sounds like the authors were trying to convey "time is resetting" but got confused by a passing child with a ball and did "bouncing" instead.
LyraV 42Dukes: He saw all that from the pilots seat with his head turned through a hole in the back of his plane. Good eyes.
gellaho: Maybe the lightning hitting the Artifact going to fix this
FancyShark: FUCKER!; I mean; FLICKER!
gellaho: Oh, wait. Thirty lightning hits makes it worse
A Wombat: Okay, naked blue people.; I guess that counts.
FancyShark: He did see some Avatar Seanbabys though
FlippantSausage: Naked blue people might have been okay, he can liquify a few of them and fuck the rest.
gellaho: Ahuh
FancyShark: maaaaaan
gellaho: I bet Vaseline paid a lot for this
A Wombat: So, how many drugs was Dorn on?
Brendanonymous: That's just a Yondu. What you describe is a planet of Yonsdu.
A Wombat: Let's take bets.
FancyShark: I want that story more than this one
A Wombat: I knew I wouldn't have to correct your grammar.; Yonsdu is the plural of Yondu.
FancyShark: Yes
LyraV 42Dukes: Because nothing bursts with flavor like dirt.
gellaho: Ah, but the runway is still there. Convenient
FlippantSausage: Got them rich flavor crystals.
A Wombat: Maybe he's developed pica.; And synaesthesia.
FlippantSausage: I keep thinking his plane is fucked, didnt part of it get exploded by lightning?
gellaho: Now time travel? Don't be ridiculous
FancyShark: That's right. Fly right at a group of innocent people in your plane, Miller. Nothing you've done in the past should make you hesitate to do that.
A Wombat: No, that was before the magic.
gellaho: Clearly
FlippantSausage: Well no matter, he's in the future now, hes going to have to fuck a morlock to get out of this jam.
A Wombat: At least two morlocks.
FancyShark: "It doesn't have to be a morlock-"; "Nope. Them's the rules."
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: He also needs to convince some morlocks he's a god
A Wombat: Also, he caused this by tampering with the desert island murder people.; They now rule the universe.; And sacrifice people to Ku.
FancyShark: Airports: They show the future
A Wombat: Still.
Brendanonymous: YOU MANIACS YOU GREW IT UP
A Wombat: He made everything worse for everyone!; Our hero, ladies and gentlemen!
gellaho: It didn't survive multiple falls from great height and multiple lighting strikes? They don't make future space artifacts like they used to
Brendanonymous: Every time I take a return flight I'm going to step off and think, "Clearly he was in the future."
FlippantSausage: Pfffffffft in my day mysterious space artifacts from the future could take a beating, these ones are basically made of sandalwood.
FancyShark: Oh darn. Intergalactic war thing broke.
FlippantSausage: cheap Chinese made space artifact knockoffs.
A Wombat: Well, I knew he was going to fuck this up.
FlippantSausage: Fairs fair, they are likea third of the price of the genuine article.
A Wombat: But not in this exact way.
gellaho: Maybe my seamaps will reveal the clues the crazy future man left
FancyShark: I have to leave for a bit to feed a friend's cats. I hope you're all still sane when I get back.
A Wombat: Never was!; Hahaha; sobbing
gellaho: Suddenly, the hunter
FlippantSausage: Someplace "odd people could do their business without attracting attention"............so hes going to Portland?; CENTAUR! CENTAUR!; CMON CENTAUR!
Brendanonymous: What year is this book? The state of infrastructure, he might have just been gone a week.
gellaho: Miller tries to get out of saving this woman
FancyShark: 1997
Brendanonymous: gasp; our TREKKIEST YEAR
FlippantSausage: Miller if you hear screams at fraternity parties that does not mean the screaming is not a bad sign.; Miller, I know its 1997 and all but we knew what screams meant back then.
gellaho: Come on, man, act casual around the screaming woman. Gotta be cool
A Wombat: I don't know; His track record with saving things and people isn't great.
Brendanonymous: I can appreciate he's thinking logically.; It will kill him.
A Wombat: This woman may end up struck by lightning fifty times.; And then explode.
FlippantSausage: He should have left logic in Yukis vag where it belongs, hes in Time War territory now.
gellaho: Check the redhead box
FlippantSausage: Shits going down and theres no time for logic!; Sweet! Future Celts!; And a redhead!
A Wombat: There are all sorts of reasons for people to be painted blue.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: The collective noun for a group of men is a clot, apparently
Brendanonymous: Why even try to get home?
FlippantSausage: Could be football fans.
A Wombat: They could be football fans.
gellaho: This is what you call a real Time Blender
A Wombat: Oh.
FlippantSausage: Fuck yeah this book got awesome!; Time Samurai!
A Wombat: He's on the Deadliest Warrior set.; Okay.
Brendanonymous: The Artifact only cultivates warriors from time.
A Wombat: Next, vikings.
Brendanonymous: It's building a time army
A Wombat: Vs ninjas.
FlippantSausage: TIME VIKINGS!
Brendanonymous: Yeah, Vikings or Spartans
gellaho: "Hey, she's your problem now"
A Wombat: Celts in blue warpaint.
FlippantSausage: Theres worse problems to have than a sexy redheaded Celtic lady.
LyraV 42Dukes: Does she get clothes this time?
A Wombat: Well known for speaking Latin.; Famous for it.
Brendanonymous: Luxe redhead is the best housewarming gift.
A Wombat: No.; She's just going to be naked.; You know the drill.
FlippantSausage: Maybe a torc and a smile.
gellaho: Apparently, Miller decides that one of the samurai is "The Samurai"
gellaho: She's got a robe. Better than the paint the decapitated dude was rocking
Brendanonymous: Oh shit, that means he owns the redhead now.
FlippantSausage: I call bullshit, this samurai is INAUTHENTIC Mr. Dorn! He would have used a bow or a spear from horseback!
A Wombat: That is how redhead ownership is transferred.
Brendanonymous: She was held in trust until the Celt turned 18 (kills)
A Wombat: We all know that.
LyraV 42Dukes: Until we get the knives out.
gellaho: Apparently Miller is flying Wonder Woman's invisible jet
A Wombat: In fairness, there's no reason why they would want to get involved with Miller.
gellaho: Samurai fucking love Hulk Hogan mustaches
FlippantSausage: Samurai are notoriously unappreciative of sexy redheads.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: He hung the moustache from the saddle?
A Wombat: Maybe cultural osmosis has turned the samurai into head hunters.; And the Celts now recite poetry.
FlippantSausage: Nah you gotta bring the taisho the heads of the warriors you kill so you can properly be rewarded.
gellaho: Time for revenge magic
FlippantSausage: Its like pokemon.; But for decapitation.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: the ones with moustaches count double
gellaho: Revenge magic is ineffective
A Wombat: Okay, so now it's a fantasy story.
FlippantSausage: You want a head with a nice stache or a good beard for extra grabby handles.
A Wombat: ... So, uh.; This is still Tahiti right?; So far as we know?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Future Tahiti, with celts and samurai
FlippantSausage: Yeah some Pacific island at least.; Famous haunts of Celts and samurai.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: all we know about the samurai is that they prize moustached heads
A Wombat: Tahiti isn't exactly a big place. Where are all these warring iron age tribes living?
gellaho: The future Tahitian redheaded celtic witch is taking the random appearance of a black archeologist well
A Wombat: Also not readily available on Tahiti? Iron.
LyraV 42Dukes: We all know he manifests gasoline when he needs it so there's no worry there.
A Wombat: Metal in general, really.; I smell shenanigans.
gellaho: Hold up, are you trying to tell me something about this doesn't make sense?; Hmmmmmmm, I don't know
FlippantSausage: It is the future so they've probably repurposed stuff?
A Wombat: Look it's just a minor point.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: It all seemed so plausible up until now
A Wombat: I'm sure he'll put it all back together.
FlippantSausage: Im pretty sure when the artifact broke so did like all of time and space.
gellaho: I'm sure the burning gasoline would have barely affected him, sure
FlippantSausage: Its Civ 5 rules now.
gellaho: Like some kind of Time Blender
Brendanonymous: This woman is the Horse Whisperer of Curses
A Wombat: Can you kill someone with a flare gun?; Like, for real?
gellaho: If they're covered in gasoline
Brendanonymous: Ended the third dimension, scored a hot redhead, net positive day.
FlippantSausage: You can kill someone with just about anything if you apply it enthusiastically.
Brendanonymous: I once killed a man with kindness.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: He knows it's hot enough to burn fuel, he singed his dick with it
gellaho: Or if they roll around in gasoline
FlippantSausage: I tend to prefer hammers, but everyone has their own preferences.
A Wombat: It's not the first time it's come up to me, so I was curious.
gellaho: "WHY ISN'T STOP, DROP, AND ROLL WORKING!!!!!"
LyraV 42Dukes: Remember folks, Miller is no murderer.
FlippantSausage: "SHIGERU IS ON FIRE? HE SCREAMED? SHAMEFUL DISPLAY!"; Please read that in the voice of the Shogun 2 voice over fella.
gellaho: "Oh, my skull"
A Wombat: Yes, that's the appropriate response.
FlippantSausage: She is trying to figure out if hes a sorcerer or a total fuckwit.
gellaho: Green, like the color cats are
A Wombat: If there's one thing we've learned from books, he can be both.
FlippantSausage: "And smacked her palm into the goose egg."
LyraV 42Dukes: Still not like...speaking though.
gellaho: The way she kept running unarmed at Samurai signaled intelligence
Brendanonymous: My cat has yellow-green eyes, which I guess is the hazel of cats
gellaho: She comes from Druidia
FlippantSausage: IS beautiful but SEEMS intelligent.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Funny, she doesn't look Druish.
LyraV 42Dukes: Making a lot of assumptions here Miller.
FlippantSausage: Wow deep Celtic cut there with Mara.
Brendanonymous: Eolas died so that Miller could fuck so that Mara could climax
gellaho: Tony Miller: able to easily identify a torc, unable to recognize the sound of bagpipes
gellaho
FlippantSausage: The ghost writers would have had an aneurism trying to figure out how to spell Niamh or something correctly.
Brendanonymous: Claymoor vs. katana
gellaho: Well, I guess the bagpipes won the day.
FlippantSausage: Good for her talking down to this obvious idiot.; I like her already.
gellaho: Yeah, that's certainly the weirdest thing that's happened
A Wombat: Mara. I give him a C.
Brendanonymous: Oh shit, we found a reverse Hodor.; OPEN THE DOOOOOOOR
FlippantSausage: A Rodoh if you will.
Brendanonymous: Oppidaaaaaaaa; Missed my connection to Tahiti, had a lovely time in Sciretland
gellaho: Samurai hate herbs
gellaho: Love Hulk Hogan mustaches, hate herbs
Brendanonymous: But the girl appeared to be suffering from a bacterial infection
FlippantSausage: One of the five things I know about Japan is that, yes, weed is SUPER duper illegal.
Brendanonymous: THE PLANE! That was it!
FlippantSausage: SO this is accurate.
Brendanonymous: Miller tossed open the first aid kit: There! Right below the antibiotics: CONDOMS!
gellaho: Plenty of time to party again
Brendanonymous: To the side, Eolas's mother softly wept.
FlippantSausage: Exactly what he would need to carry water to rehydrate after fucking!
Brendanonymous: Oh yeah, you timeblend, you don't wrap it up.; You sire an entire planet.
FlippantSausage: Raw dogging across time and space, cos its MILLER TIME!
Brendanonymous: I mean syph wasn't even an STD at that point, you could get it shaking hands, why bother protecting just the junk?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Just in case you're part of a time loop and need to be your own ancestor
gellaho: Miller is more worried about returning the Artifact to the future space dudes than him being stuck in the Time Blender
FlippantSausage: Being like 3\5ths of your own family tree prevents chrono-disjunction!
gellaho: Fuck you, Celts. Your beer is sad
FlippantSausage: Fuck you Miller! They just know you suck and aren't worth the good stuff!
Brendanonymous: I wonder how many generations have to pass before your great^x grandkids are basically no different from a third cousin.; Like at what point does Vandal Savage get to date again?
gellaho: I wonder why the black man feels a sense of foreigness among the ancient Celts.
gellaho: I can quite put my finger on why that would be; I'm sure Miller will figure it out
Brendanonymous: warm and flat, just like UC spring break
Brendanonymous: Because they're the first white people to not be a little bit shitty to him.
FlippantSausage: He's not one of those damn Time Samurai or a Roman, so he seems cool. SEEMS cool.
gellaho: Riker would be very sad to hear you say that
FlippantSausage: He's not balls deep in their druid yet.
gellaho: An old man tells a story via coughing
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: This is just a travelogue of Miller getting drunk and contaminating cultures; Miller mistakes a scottish accent for coughing, which, fair.
FlippantSausage: Miller is now introduced to the ancient Celtic practice called "acting"
Brendanonymous: This happened 1000 years before Riker
gellaho: The old man somehow tells a song-story about what just happened. He's the greatest man in the world once again
gellaho: I think you are forgetting we're in the TIME BLENDER
Brendanonymous: They don't know what the Artifact is and drinking beer is what Celtic heroes do.; Later, Mara would squat in a gully and create a river of menses to thwart the samurai. From its banks would spring the one known only as Millargh; ...that joke will only make sense to Wombat
gellaho: She wasn't an uggo, like all the Berkeley druids he knew
Brendanonymous: My dude, Yuki won't be born for 700 years.; She's the past AND the future.; Also, pretty sure you said bye.
FlippantSausage: When they tell the story he will probably be at least nine feet tall and his bones will rotate in his skin.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Most recent conclusions jumped to: Miller thinks the celts revere him as a hero and consider it a foregone conclusion that Mara is going to bone him
Brendanonymous: So a fun fact about the Celtic women was they enjoyed a very modern sexual liberation, and perhaps one with more advantages over ours despite obvious contraceptive/abortifacient disadvantages.
gellaho: Simon Hawke ghostwrote a sentence here
FlippantSausage: She spoke, moistly.
Brendanonymous: I read a tale of some Celtic queen being agog that Jute women or Saxon or some gunk didn't sample men before picking one.; She felt legitimately bad for this lady, like "You buy the fruit without giving it a squeeze?"
gellaho: A celtic thief? Unthinkable!
FlippantSausage: Queen Maeve could reputedly outfuck a guy who was famous for not fucking less than seven women at a time.
Brendanonymous: ...God, I miss dating a redhead.
LyraV 42Dukes: Oh they all say that until we get a wee bit stabby then the crying starts.
FlippantSausage: If you cant take a somewhat perforated epidermis then you don't deserve a redhead.
gellaho: Miller has a dream vision. Prattles on about how it can't be real, then realizes it might be real
gellaho: Miller has already forgotten about the ruins of the Tahitian air control tower
gellaho: And the Samurai
LyraV 42Dukes: Also the plot
FlippantSausage: Also he totally forgot he has maps?; And that like....Northern Europe has been there for like......a real long time.
gellaho: His airplane exploded, so the maps are gone; When the samurai went up the plane didn't survive
FlippantSausage: I'm sure he can just condense a new one like he did with the cans of gas.; Or maybe find one in the airport.
gellaho: I knew it was the goddamned hippies all along
FlippantSausage: Okay yeah he's got us there.; If someone wanted to like undo time itself, California would be the place to start.
gellaho: Working a little worse than when he was making up Polynesian earlier
Jaime: I've not read this book, but first of all, I find it VERY suspect that “Celtic people” are entirely wonderful and gentle and would NEVER EVER STEAL THINGS FROM A WEIRD GUY WHO SHOWED UP OUT OF NOWHERE NOPE. 😉
FlippantSausage: Now she's just fucking with him, she heard what he said.
LyraV 42Dukes: I'm starting to feel like this whole book is just about everyone being less cool and eloquent than Dorn.; Tony, I mean Tony
Jaime: I'm from the East Coast, but even so I expect the stereotype of West Coast people who worship crystals and have ashrams and are Buddhists and regularly visit Area 51 might…not be completely accurate. But then again HOW DO YOU KNOW I'M NOT AN ALIEN IN A HUMAN SKIN? 👽
Brendanonymous: Have you heard of a state called Oklahoma?
gellaho: Tony somehow gets them to take him to the Tahitian coast. Which is icy, as well all know
gellaho: Where they encounter a suspicious bush
FlippantSausage: Oklahoma just makes you WANT to end existence, if you live in Oklahoma you are too depressed to really work up to doing it. Plus you have to spend all that time putting your Doom Tesseract back together after the tornado spreads it from hell to breakfast.
Brendanonymous: See, I gave it the benefit, too, but then I visited Malibu and Big Sur.
gellaho: What is this, some kind of Time Blender?
Brendanonymous: I dunno, OKC and Tulsa seem pretty banging, but my cousin had to flee their war on educators and this week the governor said only non-pregnant women can get abortions.
FlippantSausage: Guess the temperature kind of shoots down it being Berkeley, huh, Miller? FAmously icy Berkeley?
Brendanonymous: The bay can get cold!; Especially to homeless people.; Which I guess Miller is.
gellaho: Well, say goodbye to the Celts.
Jaime: I WISH you were joking. 😢
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: The necklace is going to be like that one item in a sierra adventure game you have to keep with you the whole game.
FlippantSausage: And never does anything because its part of the copy protection you did at the start.
gellaho: Once alone, Tony Miller falls off a cliff? Off time?
gellaho
FlippantSausage: AGH! BETRAYED BY MY LACK OF GETTING A LIGHT! CURSE YOU DARKNESS!
gellaho: Suddenly, graffiti
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: He just Mr Magoo'd his way into another primitive culture to fuck up
gellaho: Ancient Egyptian, 3-D graffiti
FlippantSausage: Osiris being a huge Zoids fan.
Brendanonymous: @A Wombat -- how many of your academic friends are Osiris weebs?
gellaho: Suddenly, comic books
Brendanonymous: Because I got a couple numbers from being able to name the Eye of Horus on girls' shoulder tattoos.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Miller sees an ankh and assumes ancient Egyptians, and not goths.
gellaho: Australian comic books
A Wombat: None of them are that interesting, unfortunately.
LyraV 42Dukes: Celts and Cockneys
FlippantSausage: One of the less known D&D spin offs.
A Wombat: But I know two people who argued over how accurate Gods of Egypt was.
gellaho: Australian comic book bullies
FlippantSausage: "Its totally impossible I just tripped and fell in the dark, these suspiciously accented persons must have pushed me!"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: The future Aussie tosses his can of Victoria bitter aside and goes to fuck up Miller.
Brendanonymous: These Australians feel like a British strain.
gellaho: Possessed Australian comic book gangbangers
FlippantSausage: Throwing vocab shade too.; Intellectuals they are.
gellaho: Egyptian-Australian possessed comic book gangbangers
Jaime: I teach English, and from now on I PROMISE to tell my students: “You need to build up your word-power, you do!” 😛
FlippantSausage: If 90s thugs could appreciate anything it was Osiris, God of the Dead and Lord of Postmortem cummies.
gellaho: I'm sure Miller's bronze knife will defeat this laser knife
Brendanonymous: "Now tha fehst thing you'd bloody waaaall better know about us is we DON'T DRINK FOSTER'S HERE, ya cunt."; Hi, Australia, I know your heart.
FlippantSausage: Australian laser knife!; RAD!
Brendanonymous: Some sort of saber made of light.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Now that is a knife.; Paul Hogan, get fucked
gellaho: Well, something happened. And he's passed out
FlippantSausage: Also this is the part where that OG Star Trek music kicks in. You know the one.
Brendanonymous: You don't know these aren't both Paul Hogan pulled from different times.
gellaho: Interesante
Brendanonymous: Simon Hawke is buying what Dorn is selling.
FlippantSausage: Yes I too have the problem where I pass out and ejaculate when an Aussie with a laser knife tries to gut me.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: That song was such a banger.
gellaho: So ponderous are my arms
gellaho: I always call my wounds moist spots
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Man, finding out what the wetness is is always going to be unpleasant.
Brendanonymous: Hey, mara's back!
gellaho: Also, the ancient Celts are back. Somehow
FlippantSausage: She followed him thru time!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: And off a cliff?
Brendanonymous: Maybe it's kisses from Mara's moist lips
FlippantSausage: The faithful redheaded witch, man's best friend.
gellaho: So, actual magic then? Ok
gellaho: I guess why not
FlippantSausage: Or she has a secret laser knife and is cauterizing his wounds and he's too numb to feel pain.
LyraV 42Dukes: If they're not careful she might develop an actual personality and speak a sentence or something.
FlippantSausage: But its probably magic.; Sexy sexy magic.; That she does moistly.
gellaho: I guess the future Australians found this cave? That Miller somehow was brought to?
FlippantSausage: I've decided that since Zoid is a person, its a punk version of Zoidberg from Futurama.; Also this is hardly a problem, Mara will probably fuck them up.
LyraV 42Dukes: Zoid is always talking that shite.
gellaho: Giants can't resist redheads with ancient knives
FlippantSausage: Who can?
gellaho: He becomes very hornily detracted
Brendanonymous: Zoid is the Australian overmind megaprocessor in a converted Sydney Opera House. It stands for "Ztruth! Oi, Dekho"
FlippantSausage: The fuck kind of exclamation is "Eee-Hah"?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Michael Dorn thinks it's Australian.
gellaho: What? Knives can stab? Why didn't anyone tell me!
FlippantSausage: Is Millers hearing cutting out and this guy just did a yeehaw?
Brendanonymous: Kek kek kek
LyraV 42Dukes: No notes
FlippantSausage: Hahahahah I said shed fuck them up.
Brendanonymous: Lyra called the stabbing before Chekhov's dagger even showed up.
gellaho: Secret weapon: attack with more than one person
FlippantSausage: God I love that every 90s gang had to have a guy named Spider or something to be taken seriously.; It's so very The Crow.
gellaho: And some fun necrophilia
FlippantSausage: "Nobody asked you? Do you understand what is happening here?"
gellaho: The reality talent show The Voice tells Miller to pretend to be a god
LyraV 42Dukes: 'I'm all set!' shouts Miller as he's stabbed to death
Brendanonymous: Spider:gangs::Deke:special forces
gellaho: Miller overcomes the huge obstacle of chapped lips to prevent this sexual assault
FlippantSausage: Okay of all the gods to impersonate, the god with a dogish head seems the easiest to disprove.
Brendanonymous: Future he-men are so superstitious
gellaho: For certs, good-o
Brendanonymous: Actually I met a Zoroastrian girl at the bar once after goggling at/IDing her Ahura Mazda tattoo, so maybe Australians just dig old-time religions
gellaho: Only healthy ice for Michael Dorn
FlippantSausage: Going thru biomes like its fucking Minecraft.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Everybody knows your dirt will rust if you leave it out in the rain
Jazz Ramb$ne Gracie: It happened in Australia
FlippantSausage: And you never can quite get the rust out of your dirt after that.
gellaho: Osiris got some thicc rifles
FlippantSausage: Miller, a thick rifle is called a cannon. I know you're an anthropologist so I forgive you.
Brendanonymous: If you can just dodge all the lunatics with blades, life in the time-blender sounds sweet.
gellaho: Miller's a genius
Brendanonymous: You've got redheads, you've got BBQ boar, the seasons are gorgeous and every few minutes.
gellaho: It's 99.5% lunatics with blades
FlippantSausage: And laser knives!; To be fair a few days ago Miller had a Gravity Smusher Box so if he had just done his due diligence with the bungee cords he'd be Lord Humongous in no time.
gellaho: Future liquid
Brendanonymous: This is the worst time blend.
FlippantSausage: "PIPES? LIQUID? WHAT FUTURE SORCERY IS THIS!?"
LyraV 42Dukes: No Samurai here....yet.
gellaho: The Luxor has equipped itself with future pipes
FlippantSausage: I'm gonna need a samurai with a laser katana up ins.; These futuristic gang members have a sweet setup!; fucking pyramid and everything!
Brendanonymous: That's just a Jedi.
LyraV 42Dukes: Future Sauron is pleased with all this.
gellaho: Future car liquid
FlippantSausage: It's like the TMNT movie with the Foot Clan headquarters being all rad, do they got any cigarettes?
gellaho: Toilet transportation
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Regular or menthol?
FlippantSausage: And do they have Narc?
gellaho: The inefficiency of this transport bothers Miller
gellaho: Because the rest seems fine
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: To be fair it is an exceptionally stupid method of transportation
FlippantSausage: Miller is really not appreciating the radness of his surroundings properly.
gellaho: They loot for the love of looting, not the actual looted items
FlippantSausage: Also he needs to understand, he's going to have his heart jerked out and weighed soon.; And since he liquified that dude, its deffo gonna weigh more than a feather.
LyraV 42Dukes: This is such densely packed nonsense I fucking love it.
gellaho: Miller forgot the whole deal with the Artifact exploding
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: To say nothing of all those kids.
FlippantSausage: Hmmm......its like these periods of history are.....merging together in some kind of CronoMix?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Miller has an extremely poor short term memory.
gellaho: Engage dumb thug protocols
gellaho: @FancyShark always misses the sharks
FlippantSausage: It would have to be crocodiles to stay on theme.; But sharks are cooler.
gellaho: He recognized Osiris from all the ancient Egyptian photographs
Brendanonymous: if the water swirls in the time-blender does it do it clockwise or counter-clockwise or does it depend on if the Australian GMO hunks flush it?; Wait, this is Stargate; Dorn just smashed a Star Trek episode pitch into a Stargate pitch
FlippantSausage: Three years after Stargate happened!; So he was like "Well I have this movie Idea but I got beat to the punch....."
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: He was hoping for a writer credit on SG-1
FlippantSausage: "Might as well use that TNG cred."
gellaho: I think this three-headed beast of a writing team confused Osiris with Horus
FlippantSausage: Oh for SHAME!; I expected better research from Worf.
gellaho: Well known invertibrate, the hawk
FancyShark: DAMMIT!
FlippantSausage: And this ruins my "Lord of Postmortem Cummies" joke.
LyraV 42Dukes: That floppy boneless grace.
FlippantSausage: Boneless, moist grace.
FancyShark: What'd I miss? Flaccid Egyptian gods?
gellaho: This Osiris really gave up the ghost quick
gellaho: Fuck, man; There are Australian gang Egyptians with future technology, Celts, Samurai; We are in the Time Blender
FlippantSausage: They put "bio" in front of genetic, that's how you know its scientific and futury
FancyShark: daaaaaaamn
FlippantSausage: THE CRONOSMOOTHIES SHALL BE READY SHORTLY!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Dorn learned that from star trek
FlippantSausage: EONS SHALL PASS AND ALSO NO TIME AT ALL BEFORE THE EPOCHAL MARGARITAS ARE FINISHED!
LyraV 42Dukes: He found another intelligent and beautiful woman who can't speak his language but is drawn to MIchael, I mean Miller.
FancyShark: lol; of course
gellaho: "I mean, you're supposed to look like a regular dude and not a hawk-man. And I'm supposed to have a dog head, but let's get this myth right"
gellaho: Oy, guv, this sure is weird
FancyShark: Yew been oll barmy, eh wot?
LyraV 42Dukes: "Because your water tube society sucks Osiris"
gellaho: Five foot laser blade seems dangerous
FancyShark: Weapon set to "copyright infringement"
gellaho: Oh, right. There was another person
FlippantSausage: USE YOUR CHI! MILLER! USE YOUR CHIIIIIIIIIIIIII!
FancyShark: Did he explain he's tenured?
gellaho: Oh, no, hologram
gellaho
LyraV 42Dukes: I think he's forgotten what he's supposed to be doing at this point.
gellaho: Who could have forseen that the hawk-headed man was an illusion!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: A hawk headed man is perfect mundane, but a non corporeal hawk headed man?; Madness
FancyShark: Bigbird 9000
gellaho: How can the non corporeal man go through doors
FlippantSausage: Im beginning to think someone got confused and forgot Miller is a anthropology professor and now thinks he is a Conan expy.
gellaho: So outrageous for the man who can phase through the laser sword go through doors
FlippantSausage: Just stumbling dick first into everything.
FancyShark: His classes must be fun
gellaho: If only I were the Roadrunner
FlippantSausage: "BAH! More of your future sorcery!"
LyraV 42Dukes: WHY IS OSIRIS TRYING TO KILL ME?
gellaho: Ah, secret door
gellaho: Pointless secret door
FancyShark: Bumps right into Shaggy and Scooby
FlippantSausage: Man fuck this goddam book for injuring Mara by making her run into a wall like its the Three Stooges.
FancyShark: Osiris taunts like a TV hostage taker
gellaho: I guess why not at this point
FlippantSausage: Of course.
FancyShark: Sure. That might as well happen.
FlippantSausage: You HAVE to have a proper pit trap.; Its like a rule.
gellaho: Plenty of time to perv
FlippantSausage: If Miller doesn't wrassle a robot snake or a crocodile im gonna be sad.
FancyShark: "Wow! You're not fat or old!"; "Uh, Miller? The angry god?"
gellaho: "Oh, right, the sharks. I'm so forgetful"
FancyShark: Yayyy!
FlippantSausage: dun dun. dun dun.....dundundundundun.....
gellaho: Mara appreciates the shark impression
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Being distracted from mortal danger by tits is a running theme here.
FancyShark: I'd certainly rather think about tits than dying
gellaho: Miller doubts the authenticity of a warding amulet, despite everything
FlippantSausage: Fuck you Miller, she has done ACTUAL MAGIC to YOU!
FancyShark: It's some of Adam West's shark repellant
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: After anime week I don't like 'young' used as a description of a sex object
gellaho: She's very excited to meet this shark
gellaho
FlippantSausage: Off theme for Egyptian shit, but sharks ARE cooler.
LyraV 42Dukes: It's monocle glistening in the light.
FancyShark: Yeah. Smart and sexy ladies are always eager to meet sharks, according to the ads I get
FlippantSausage: She's gonna end up riding that fucker.
gellaho: Seems legit
gellaho
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Don't tell the samurai about the sharks moustache, they'll try to decapitate it.
FancyShark: oh man, one of my ancestors fucked an orca?
FlippantSausage: NEW FRIEND GET!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Mara rolled a natural 20 on Soothe Beast
gellaho: Someone let the dolphins mate with the sharks
FancyShark: HOW DID YOU FIND THAT FOLDER, DORN?!; I mean, uh...; That's weird
FlippantSausage: It was just going to happen, the feud between shark and dolphin would have to produce a pair of star crossed lovers at some point.
gellaho: I'm pretty sure something that large can't do that trick
FancyShark: Romeo and CHOMPCHOMP is one of my favorite plays
FlippantSausage: And the guards were watching the whole fucking time.
gellaho: Thanks for explaining, Miller
FlippantSausage: Cos like.........the fuck do you do when your guard whale decides it has a new best friend?
FancyShark: They didn't attack because they didn't want to get caught in the blood spray, Miller!
FlippantSausage: God......Miller you dipshit, they KNOW SHES THE MONSTERS NEW BUDDY!
gellaho: So, did Osiris get lost or what
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: I love how Miller assumed they were getting out of his way and not mara's
FlippantSausage: It doesnt HAVE to be divinity, it can just be fear of pissing off the critter with gnashing teeth.
FancyShark: OSIRIS WILL HAVE VENGEANCE ONCE THIS DOOR HANDLE COOPERATES!; dammit, do you have to push or...?
FlippantSausage: And so.........does the 1997 anthropology professor or the bronze age witch know how to drive a submarine?
FancyShark: Well, he flew in Desert Storm; So, no
FlippantSausage: Fuck it tho, give the wheel to Mara, shes already doing great.
gellaho: Probably should have expected that
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Miller starts up the sub and immediately obliterates a group of kids.
FlippantSausage: She is entirely correct to treat Miller like he's a baby.
FancyShark: I hope this hellish future is all because he never informed Cook's son about his father's death
FancyShark: "WHERE WERE THEY KEEPING THEM?!"
gellaho: Squidsub, sure
FlippantSausage: Sweet.; In the hands of a competent writer some of this book would be amazing.
FancyShark: Now it's 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea
FlippantSausage: I'm very pro squid sub.
gellaho: I feel like if the chair is breaking, you'd have much bigger problems before then
FlippantSausage: It reminds me of Dreadfleet and its little mini what is literally a steel squid ship.
LyraV 42Dukes: Osiris, well known for his fleet of submarines.
FancyShark: For exploring the oceans of...Egypt
FlippantSausage: I like how Mara has picked up more English than Miller has......lets say Gaelic or whatever.
gellaho: And I am a moron
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Mara is speaking English, she just had a really thick Scottish accent.
FancyShark: It's a Fisher-Price driving wheel. The actual controls are over by Mara
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Mara is doing the thing where you give your younger sibling the second controller while playing a single player game
gellaho: Sure, why not
FlippantSausage: This is her book now.; Fuck yeah, flying submarine!
FancyShark: But they're underwater...
FlippantSausage: NOW FLYING SQUIDMARINE!
FancyShark: Miller, did you kill us?; Wait, I think I've got it; This is one of Brockway's CYADFAs
gellaho: How much experimentation do you need to find the non-lethal speed?
FancyShark: He ran over so many dolphins before he found cruising speed; Or eagles, the dolphins of the sky
gellaho: Miller confident that he knows where he is
FlippantSausage: Miller, you have to pilot a hoversub like you live the rest of your life, full throttle and break the handle the fuck off.
FancyShark: Sure, California or Mexico. They're right next to Tahiti
FlippantSausage: And Northern Europe.; All in approximately the same area.
LyraV 42Dukes: Miller did it as he did all things, effortlessly, perfectly and without any thought or reason.
FlippantSausage: And moistly.
FancyShark: And without Cook
gellaho: How big could the west coast of the Americas be?
FancyShark: Safely covered the Pacific Ocean but still had enough time to notice the Golden Gate Bridge was missing before plowing into a mountain
gellaho: Back for seconds
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Everything he's seen definitely indicates normal earth geography
FlippantSausage: I'm glad he's figured out where he's going because I forgot that he had someplace to be.
Jazz Ramb$ne Gracie: joke's on him he overshot it and landed in the Sacramento Delta; crashed his sub in a rice paddy
FlippantSausage: One, Mara fucks who Mara likes. Two, it ain't you Miller.
FancyShark: "He'd become used to her face"; Dorn, you hopeless romantic
FlippantSausage: Yet.
gellaho: What!? A ship in the Time Blender? Impossible!
FlippantSausage: My dude when you wanna end a relationship with a woman on a submarine, all you have to do is push.
FancyShark: Time Pirates!
Brendanonymous: What happened after stabbing?
FancyShark: Apparently Egypt?
gellaho: That's what you should do when encountering a whaling ship. Dive.
FlippantSausage: He was confounded by the trickery of Osiris!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: They stole a submarine from an Egyptian god
LyraV 42Dukes: They successfully escaped Osiris and his fleet of air subs.
FancyShark: They stole the Nautilus and befriended an orca/shark hybrid
FlippantSausage: Mara continues to be rad.
gellaho: What? A harpoon? Who could have foreseen!
FancyShark: Oh shit, Liddy's after them!
FlippantSausage: Man we need to send Liddy some kind of gift basket or edible arrangement after this week.
FancyShark: I think she's going to get so much revenge on Brockway at some point
gellaho: The water stopped after they reached the surface? Weird
FancyShark: Sounds like witchcraft
FlippantSausage: Its almost like they were in some kind of.....UNDERWATER BOAT!?
Brendanonymous: They got a sub!?
FancyShark: Fuck yeah they did!
FlippantSausage: From Osiris!
FancyShark: And it turns into a hovercraft!
Brendanonymous: Was it the real Osiris?
FlippantSausage: Lord of Submarines.; NO!; They got his head wrong!
gellaho: An Australian computer voice tells him where the slurp button is
FlippantSausage: It was a double fake Osiris!; With an australian accent.; Aussiris.
LyraV 42Dukes: Osiris lived in the city from Flushed Away for some reason
Brendanonymous: Wasn't the Moon Knight hippo goddess Australian too?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Osiris was an Australian hologram with the wrong animal head
gellaho: Wakka wakka
FlippantSausage: I'm still really mad they fucked up the head!; OSIRIS HAS A HUMAN HEAD! MICHAEL DORN!; GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!
LyraV 42Dukes: Miller do you think they weren't trying to catch whales but maybe sky subs?
FancyShark: "Speaking of thick cables..."; "We're about to die."
FlippantSausage: Also fuck Miller for assuming Mara is going to panic at some point.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: When all you have is a harpoon gun, everything looks like a whale.
gellaho: Well, sharks round two
FancyShark: YES!; SAVE MARA! KILL MILLER!
FlippantSausage: Sweet!
gellaho: I have no idea why this is in this book
FlippantSausage: Also this went from "Subs and harpoons" to "EXPLOSION" so quickly!
FancyShark: Miller then realizes all the pirates were children
FlippantSausage: Miller really needs to learn the principle of "Fuck that guy, they harpooned my flying submarine."
gellaho: Well, now he's got a bunch of sailors
FlippantSausage: You harpoon my sub, killing you is morally and karmically neutral.
FancyShark: Feeding a shark redeems you enough to avoid ball torture in hell
FlippantSausage: Also Mara is a shark whisperer so I'm sure if you ask her she can save them.
gellaho: Make sure to introduce new redheads late in your book
FlippantSausage: "BOO HOO I BLEW UP YOUR SHIT IN A RAD FIREBALL!"
FancyShark: I read that as "Captain Grover" and got very excited
gellaho: Oops, there go more sailors
FlippantSausage: Aw that would have been rad.
gellaho: And there goes Miller
LyraV 42Dukes: The murder tally is getting up there.
FancyShark: "Oooh, right, the wave of teeth and screams"; Woop!
gellaho: Fair enough
FancyShark: hahaha, scooped you, Dorn!
FlippantSausage: Mara 👏 Has 👏 it 👏 Covered 👏
gellaho: Good thing there were more morons to pilot the sub
FlippantSausage: Tho maybe she will take up with Captain Grover and make lovely ginger babies with a stalwart man of the sea?
gellaho: Ah, Zeus
FlippantSausage: Just......anyone but Miller.
FancyShark: Fuck you, Zeus!
gellaho: Time to jump to some conclusions
FancyShark: How dare you, Miller; Mara knows what a Hitler is
FlippantSausage: STOP HIS DUMB ASS HEART WITH WITCHCRAFT!
gellaho: The world's most unnecessarily complicated plan
FlippantSausage: Yeah threaten the shark lady at open sea, you fucknut.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Miller finds time traveling alien more believable than competent woman
FlippantSausage: She fucking stabbed that dude in front of you, you think she cant take you?
gellaho: Seems like a weird detail, but fine
FancyShark: Oh, she's Gal Gadot
FlippantSausage: 🤨 Thats a hell of a jump from Gaelic.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Okay. Maybe she does look Druish.
FancyShark: It's that Irish part of Israel
gellaho: MICHAEL DORN TONY MILLER IS THE MOST IMPORTANT MAN IN HISTORY
FancyShark: "We need you to kill a bunch of children."; "I was made for this."
FlippantSausage: "Certain things?"; "Mouth stuff, mostly."
gellaho: "The authors haven't written why yet"
FancyShark: "Well, that's fine by-"; "On the sharks."
gellaho: TIME BLENDER
FlippantSausage: "Why do yall want time fucked?"; "It's complicated."; I mean it seems pretty rad to me.
LyraV 42Dukes: Some sort of Hour Mingling
FancyShark: That's the name of the book!
FlippantSausage: HE SAID THE THING!
FancyShark: See?! It's a good story!; Give us a sequel, publisher!
FlippantSausage: Just like in Star Wars.
gellaho: You know, natural things. Like, MEGACRYSTALS
FancyShark: THIS IS PHOTON!
FlippantSausage: Crystals are rad.; Number one mystical material for 2000 years running.
LyraV 42Dukes: THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO
FancyShark: Actually, this sounds more like Final Fantasy
gellaho: I wonder where Michael Dorn might have gotten this idea for these
FlippantSausage: Ive been watching that for the last couple days!
gellaho: Some kind of people combined with technology and computers
FlippantSausage: 🤔 Like some kind of.....science machine man.....a sci-borg.
FancyShark: A machinaman; Or a...Steele
FlippantSausage: TM Michael Dorn LTD.
Supernaught: Gellaho didn't want to be part of Anime Week, but it turns out Book Club had other plans.
gellaho: Goddamned future hippies
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: "they glued a bunch of laser pointers to their heads for some reason."
FancyShark: "There are only 'police actions' and 'military interventions'."
FlippantSausage: I like how Miller got told that a group of people with a name like "Bodhis" are the bad guys and just rolled with it.
gellaho: And the Time Blender fixes the planet... that's already been saved by future hippies?
gellaho: Why do the future hippies want to time blend if they already saved the planet in the future?
LyraV 42Dukes: The Moment Amalgamate
FancyShark: "Hello. I'm beloved TV and film star Michael Dorn, and I've read most of Ender's Game."
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: No dorn, those are daleks. You're stealing from the wrong franchise!
FlippantSausage: So they can fuck across all time and space.; Without having to go so goddam far.
Brendanonymous: This is one of those stories that was unfilmable in 1997 and would be so rad now.
FlippantSausage: Living an idyllic life in a community inside a rad crystal leaves you a lot of time for fucking.
FancyShark: I can't shake the feeling it would look like Ready Player One
gellaho: Future possession
FlippantSausage: Then again maybe they have some kind of internet crystals.; God Miller is real slow on the uptake.
FancyShark: "Wait, Cook was possessed? Why didn't he say so?"
gellaho: "Yeah, but when we do it it's like, organic possession, man"
FlippantSausage: Like he hadn't yet cottoned on to the fact Cook was housing a psychic projection.
LyraV 42Dukes: scooped by the Shark
Brendanonymous: This book is starting to lose its center.
FlippantSausage: Its becoming............BLENDED!
FancyShark: You...really want to use that word, Dorn?
gellaho: "It's like a spiritual co-op, maaaaaan"
gellaho: Starting to?; That implies there was one
FlippantSausage: "No the result isnt.......ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?!"
LyraV 42Dukes: God Miller you just...you're so dense.
FancyShark: "We can't make someone do anything he wouldn't normally do. Like neglect an open head wound or forget about his family."
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: No wonder it's not centered. When's the last time Miller did any tai chi?
FlippantSausage: "MILLER! My eyes are up here! Pay attention, this is the goddam time future stream we are trying to save!"
gellaho: "I feel like I should still unblend time, you didn't really give me a good reason not to"
FancyShark: Miller wondered. What were the boobs trying to tell him?
FlippantSausage: "Im not going to try and persuade you, because I've already told you all the things that will happen if you fuck up. That by itself should have done the trick."
gellaho: That's how animals behave, sure
FancyShark: HIS CHANCE OF SUCCESS WAS ONE IN SEVEN!
gellaho: Impossible odds
Brendanonymous: How many pages of plot explanation was that?
FancyShark: Two? Maybe?
FlippantSausage: Future robot men never did understand probability, because past writer men dont.
gellaho: it was like ten, but I still don't really understand the time blending
FlippantSausage: Time blending means it was technically no pages and all pages.
gellaho: It kind of sounds like they already solved the future, so the time blending plot seems pointless
FlippantSausage: If Miller doesnt do the ..........thing..... then the book has to be reread out of order.; It's the only way.,; Wait what the fuck is Miller doing? I forgot.
gellaho: Friendly reminder that there's a random sailor hanging out now for no reason
FlippantSausage: These nudists seem cool.
FancyShark: Future bikinis, sure
FlippantSausage: Probably like tinfoil patterned and shiny.
gellaho: The MEGACRYSTAL causes many cases of blindness
FlippantSausage: Like science man jumpsuits in a Godzilla movie.
FancyShark: So much Windex has to be used on the Megacrystal each day
gellaho: Fucking what?
FlippantSausage: "Blinding onlookers for miles around is basically our main mode of defense from the robots."
LyraV 42Dukes: Birds are constantly smashing into it.
FlippantSausage: Bats too, because the psychic emanations confuse echolocation.; Some nude janitor has to go over parts of it with a toothbrush.
FancyShark: Sure, buildings are psychic agreements. This all is very accurate.
FlippantSausage: If you think about it, alot of things are psychic agreements.
LyraV 42Dukes: Their experiments with the glintstone crystals went awry.
FlippantSausage: Like pissing in the bathroom and not your bosses desk.
gellaho: Frank's my favorite
FancyShark: Joe is the crystal
FlippantSausage: Man imagine being the Frank in that place.
Brendanonymous: Yeshiva, Arno, Isolte,and...Frank
FlippantSausage: Everyone else is a Yeshiva or a Chandrasekhar or a Moonflower and you're fucking Frank.
LyraV 42Dukes: Frank son of Incense and Myrrh
FlippantSausage: Everyone is real nice about it and that makes it worse.
Jazz Ramb$ne Gracie: that would be invasive
FancyShark: "Hey, you guys are laughing at me."; "Shut up, Frank."
gellaho: "No, I won't tell you why it's important"
Brendanonymous: Page 238 of 257, and we're still just laying down track.
FlippantSausage: Man he is really pissed about all this people being nice and clean air and free nudity.
FancyShark: It's called "plausible deniability". It holds up in court!
gellaho: I'm reaching my tolerance for hippie nonsense
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: He noticed all the butthole pucker marks on the megacrystal benches
FancyShark: hahaha, they have a Thinking Spot
gellaho: Limit surpassed
FlippantSausage: Fuck yeah I was just about to say they were gonna plant ass on them blobs.
FancyShark: Hey, remember when you were being chased by a bastardized version of the Egyptian god of life?
gellaho: An excellent question
FlippantSausage: He's so fucking angry about these goddam future hippy chairs.
LyraV 42Dukes: I can't wait for Osiris to return with Pirate. Then it's all going to come together.
FancyShark: I can think of a good reason
gellaho: I remember his friend's abandoned son
FancyShark: At least someone does
FlippantSausage: Also I know he wasn't paying attention enough to know the universe is going to end with any certainty. He's just being grouchy.; "Goddam future kids and their ergonomic blobs and psychic communion with nature."
gellaho: Frank's famous catchphrase
FancyShark: It took him days of practice to nail that line; Yes, I know he's a character in a book
FlippantSausage: Oh he's pissed about THAT, the fact that they didnt just rip his will from his living brain like the other guys did to his friend.
gellaho: I mean, I don't know if Cook got more than a couple of hours. He died weeks ago
FancyShark: Don't play coy with armageddon
gellaho: We are running out of words
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: He's having this conversation while a bean bag is giving him a rimjob.
FancyShark: What about pages?
FlippantSausage: He's really overlooking the fact that if they were the Bad Guys all theyd have to to is kill him and problem solved.
FancyShark: Unless they're idiots
gellaho: So much imagination on display
FlippantSausage: I think HED think they were idiots, but I imagine it hasnt crossed their minds to kill him.
gellaho: Fuck you
FancyShark: lol, what
gellaho: I side with the GECO
FlippantSausage: Lmao; You fuckin wot?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: Isn't GECO an acronym from Fallout?
FancyShark: GECK, but yeah
FlippantSausage: Naw its that insurance company.
LyraV 42Dukes: Now we must time-space shake on it.
gellaho: What, do you give space-time a foot massage and it opens up for you?
FlippantSausage: fucking........NO IT DOESNT!; Thats not how energy works, fuck you!
FancyShark: "It's less time-rape and more time-molestation"
LyraV 42Dukes: A hot ejection of time energy if you will.
gellaho: Sure, get that in there
Brendanonymous: The premise of this book is "What if we didn't want the Federation to help our planet?"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: "we drug space time before we penetrate it. We're the good guys"
FancyShark: You know, one good shark invasion could solve all of this
FlippantSausage: "Bitch, we do free love here, Mara smooches who Mara wants."
LyraV 42Dukes: Good on you @Brendanonymous I have no fucking idea what this books premise is and I've been taking notes.
Brendanonymous: It is many books!
FlippantSausage: It is the Ur-Book.
gellaho: Maybe not the time to realize how much you enjoy teaching, bud
Brendanonymous: He could have saga serialized it into a seven-book series that gets crazier and crazier.
FlippantSausage: But from the back end.
FancyShark: If you loved children, Tony, why didn't you kill Saddam?
gellaho: Not the time for this either, Miller
FlippantSausage: Youd have a much easier time teaching kids if time and space collapse into a nugget of psychically active matter and all life becomes one.
FancyShark: Miller's having every mid-life crisis, right at the worst moment
FlippantSausage: And technically youd be married to literally everyone.
gellaho: You live long enough, you find yourself as the deadbeat dad
FlippantSausage: Jeez and just a few hours ago you were fantasizing about railing Mara.
FancyShark: Someone please shove him into the Void and end this already
Jazz Ramb$ne Gracie: that would be invasive
gellaho: "Well, all it showed me were reasons why I should fix time and go back to the present"
gellaho: So, maybe that plan backfired on you
FancyShark: "Wait. Does this mean that civilization wasn't discovered by me?"; "Goddammit, this really isn't working."
FlippantSausage: Miller is bound to fuck it up tho, so maybe time gets pureed.
gellaho: Tai Chi makes a several hundred pages return
gellaho
FancyShark: And he shits himself
gellaho: All of a sudden, he's deciding what time to return to
gellaho: Not to be a dick, not a great reason to not unfuck time
FlippantSausage: Look, its 2022 so nuclear winter hits differently. More appealing if you are staring down the barrel of several consecutive months of 100 degree heat with no AC.; Miller, you already blew up a bunch of kids, just think of it as a VERY sophisticated abortion.
FancyShark: Sure, leave Cook in the dirt
FlippantSausage: You cant regret the kids you erased from the time stream. Literally in fact.
gellaho: I feel like preventing the discovery of the Artifact will definitely stop your daughter from existing
gellaho
gellaho: Considering that's the entire reason she exists
FlippantSausage: Lookin at Mara like a dog seeing if a treat is for eating.
FancyShark: Sorry, dead Iraqi children. You weren't sci-fi enough
LyraV 42Dukes: This is a man incapable of thinking things through.
gellaho: Well, let's see how this goes
gellaho: PSYCHE!
FlippantSausage: Fixes time and space just in time to not prevent the water wars of 2030.
FancyShark: hahahahahaha; Fuck; You; Dorn
Supernaught: BOOK ONE?!
FlippantSausage: "PRESERVE! DEFEND!"; "What the fuck does that mean?!"
FancyShark: BOOK ONE!
LyraV 42Dukes: THE FUCK?
gellaho: I hope you enjoyed Time Blender, there is no Book Two
FancyShark: 🤣
FlippantSausage: Hahahah its a trilogy at least!; MISTER DORN DEMANDS A TRILOGY!
Supernaught: Get fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucked!
FancyShark: The absolute gall of this writing team!
gellaho: We have defeated TIME BLENDER
FancyShark: We did it!; You all rule!; Thank you for doing this, @gellaho !
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: That was an experience. Thanks everyone.
LyraV 42Dukes: bwahahaha I love it!
FlippantSausage: Lmao I love that this didnt end the saga and The TIME BLENDER is still blending.
FancyShark: That was the most riffable book we've ever done
Mike the Tsul'Kalu: i just caught the end; i was very confused
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC: The series was abandoned like worf's son
gellaho: So concludes the 60th Edition of The Book Cage
Supernaught: A perfect cap to Anime Week. Thank you so much 😊
LyraV 42Dukes: Seriously thank you everyone, that was sick as fuck
gellaho: May all your time be unblended
FlippantSausage: Just means we havent discovered the hidden code to go on our very own Time Adventure!
FancyShark: Now get some rest, Gellaho; There's a meat party tomorrow
FlippantSausage: Feel better, Gellaho!
LyraV 42Dukes: @gellaho You're an absolute gem, this book was amazing, get some rest and feel better!
gellaho: If only there were some clue
FlippantSausage: 🤣 I FORGOT IT HAD A HEMINGWAY!
FancyShark: hahaha, god that was great
FlippantSausage: Makes it almost classic lit.
FancyShark: Have a great night, everyone!
FlippantSausage: 😁 Have fun yall, I have unfun shit to do.
Brendanonymous: It's always book one with sci-fi novels.
Monkey-Dunk Mo: I tuned out as usual but also as usual; gellahowns; hella gowns?; no; shit; sorry; that's nothing
Brendanonymous: TIME'S ICEBERG: Libris I of The Cosmic Ovulation Series Phase II: Space Dzek Rising; Thanks for being our guide, @gellaho -- I feel much less blended than I might have
Relax the back, cultivate Javo: So, here is what I find extra crazy; When I was a kid, there was this PC game that a Myst clone that had a very similar plot to this book
Monkey-Dunk Mo: Pyst?
Relax the back, cultivate Javo: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Timelapse_(video_game)