62: Time Blender Michael Dorn (with Hillary Hemmingway and Jeffrey P. Lindsay)

FancyShark

And who resorted to cannibalism when they ran out of food

FlippantSausage

Gauguin seemed to like it there.

LyraV 42Dukes

The Island of the Blue Dornphins

gellaho

This is like a shittier Scientology

FancyShark

Someone comes by and lifts the building up. "You know this is balsa wood, right?"

gellaho

Cook, Spock, coincidence?

FancyShark

Cook's headwound is turning black

FlippantSausage

"Guys, I'm beginning to think these people aren't Polynesian? Or at least.......maybe "Polynesian" might be a more vague designation than I thought!"

gellaho

"Man, I almost cucked that pirate guy"

Brendanonymous

Connecticut where everything is a gorgeous spring explosion

FlippantSausage

Lucky? I just overslept because my sleep has been disturbed lately.

"They have invented monogamy but not boats?! HOW?!"

FancyShark

"Say, did the Chief's belt look kind of dick-laden to you?"

LyraV 42Dukes

Hints of monogamy because she didn't instantly pay attention to his engorged boner after their 10 minute interaction. Way to go Miller.

FlippantSausage

Just straight up aren't going to even mention it because they want the dick belts to go away.

gellaho

Dude, you have no idea what Michael Dorn was up to in 1997

FlippantSausage

Miller is clicking his heels together saying "I don't believe in dick belts."

FancyShark

I hope the twist is that the tribe actually worships the tsunami and they call it back

gellaho

What the fuck does this mean!? Did they have a subway system? A monorail? An interstate!? The fuck

FlippantSausage

"ITS ALMOST LIKE THEY HAVE A UNIQUE CULTURE OR SOME SHIT?!"

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Or maybe the boats are in part of the 99% of the island you haven't seen.

LyraV 42Dukes

This is some quality baffling right here.

FlippantSausage

"This is absolutely not at all like "Sex Orgies of Serawak" promised!"

FancyShark

Runa Puake, where the people all starved to death after resorting to cannibalism, was connected to Easter Island but they didn't notice signs of that before two idiots found it over the course of three and a half months

Thanks, Dorn

FlippantSausage

"Guys.......do stag mags count as non fiction periodicals? Asking for a friend."

gellaho

OK, so now we're dealing with an idea I've never liked in science fiction

gellaho

Which is that parallel evolution needs to have a common starting point for some reason

FancyShark

Miller still needs reminders that Cook is possessed

gellaho

TNG had this idea that all humanoid life needed to originate from a standard seed, which si so weird to me

FlippantSausage

It makes a kind of sense if you only half understand evolution, I suppose.

And assume it works on Pokemon rules.

FancyShark

I think it'd only result in identical civilizations if you had infinite worlds

gellaho

Gotta make a geico claim first though

gellaho

Well, you know, calculus was invented by two people at the same time. it'd be impossible that anything else could possibly happen that way

FancyShark

Rule of writing: Tell your audience something is a revelation rather than show it

gellaho

What!?

FancyShark

GASP!

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Whatta twist!

FlippantSausage

"Jay is more demented than I thought!"

gellaho

Aw, what bad timing

FancyShark

dangit

gellaho

"Miller had already prepared many of his own dried body parts in advance"

FlippantSausage

Trying to guess whether this is them taking them to the "Welcome New Friends Feast" or the "Cut off their Dicks Feast"

FancyShark

Here's a hint: There is no "New Friends Feast"

gellaho

Maybe Dorn actually thinks he's a Klingon

FlippantSausage

He's really gambling on his understanding of that word.

FancyShark

Fun fact: the word "baka" in Japanese means "idiot"

gellaho

This is just a Klingon and Vulcan at this point

FlippantSausage

Ive been mainlining Dennard Dayles podcast, Weaboo Hell for the last couple days and all I keep thinking is someone is calling miller a "baka stepbro"

FancyShark

"First man who cums, loses"

FlippantSausage

"Um.....no? You didn't do that, Miller. You thumped your chest and said a word you only kind of understand. For all you know you told them to put you back in this cell and did an interpretive hand dance."

gellaho

"tú also meant 'you' in Spanish, but that couldn't be it"

FancyShark

"Now kiss"

FlippantSausage

"OH NO! FATAL MISCALCULATION! Bakadoa means "Dance off"!

FancyShark

YES! DANCE OFF!

gellaho

@FancyShark you still have a chance

FancyShark

C'mon, c'mon, c'mon...

FlippantSausage

Yeah kinda rooting for swim tied to a shark.

Tho to be fair it could be like one of those lil

smol ones

FancyShark

If he skies on a pair of sharks like Aquaman with a pair of dolphins, I'll forgive so much of this book

LyraV 42Dukes

I can see Dorn reading this paragraph aloud to himself. Just repeating 'He would survive'

gellaho

"Miller had never seen "The Day the Earth Stood Still" or "The Evil Dead," so he had no idea what "klaatu barada nikto" meant

FlippantSausage

Any minute now he's gonna use a full sentence, fuck it up because its Mandarin rules and tone and context matter, and call someone a "fried eel dish buoyancy boathook"

FancyShark

He already did. They just can't bring themselves to tell him. They think he's slow.

gellaho

"Just as every European nation celebrated Oktoberfest, so too did every Polynesian culture celebrate throw the dipshit in the volcano"

Emergency Swamp Moonshine Cerril

Oh yeah, I love ordering that at my local joint.

FlippantSausage

Woooo! Tossing morons in a volcanoooooooooooo!

FancyShark

Heya, @Emergency Swamp Moonshine Cerril !

FlippantSausage

Get a pig going on a spit, its Volcano Appeasement Day!

FancyShark

I'm glad they gave him a scarf. Volcanos get so chilly.

gellaho

I sure am glad these people keep talking to each other without understanding. It's so great

FlippantSausage

Should have washed him in coconut milk beforehand, so he would be flavored for the volcano.

Oh PIRATE is the stupid one, not the guy who kept repeating "Volcano sacrifice!"

FancyShark

Maybe it's the Evil Dead joke, but I'm having a much easier time with this by imagining it's Ash Williams

gellaho

I feel like you don't need a doctorate to answer that question

LyraV 42Dukes

I keep having to remind myself this is about an artifact that's integral to an alien time war.

Maybe?

gellaho

Luckily Army of Darkness didn't take this long to get to the point

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Michael dorn keeps forgetting he is traumatized by children

FlippantSausage

I'd rather be tossed in a volcano than have a baby, yes.

FancyShark

Glad none of the children he saw reminded him of that

gellaho

So, why the shudder?

FlippantSausage

Skeleton army makes it all worth it in the end, hopefully

John

Come on Lava Sharks!

FancyShark

Y'know, you'll still die from the fall, lava or not

LAVA SHARKS! LAVA SHARKS!

gellaho

Hopefully this gobbledygook means it's Miller Time

FlippantSausage

Are.......they about to be tossed into the thruster cone of a world ship? Or is describing a dormant volcano as an engine a Dorn thing?

Also Jay is getting a lot of ten dollar words from his head trauma and alien possession.

FancyShark

Sounds like the writers were banking on that high probability of success

gellaho

I'm assuming this is supposed to be some kind of grand point, but fuck me if I understand it

John

High probability of success because there's still...holy shit really?...300 pages to go.

FancyShark

BODHI?! FUCK! ABORT MISSION!

FlippantSausage

So the future war is Buddha vs like.......lumberjacks?

NUCLEAR BUDDHA?!

gellaho

I'm very afraid Bhodi Li is about to show up

FlippantSausage

THey are talking a lot for men being thrown into a volcano.

Even a dormant one.

FancyShark

Don't do this, Dorn! Peter David wrote those Star Trek books, but he's not your friend!

gellaho

Those aren't the worst odds I've ever heard

FancyShark

That's not bad at all

gellaho

Don't worry, Sulu's the one who grabbed his ass

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

As far as volcanos go

FancyShark

I've taken a higher risk rolling for initiative

🤓

gellaho

That's not how math works

FlippantSausage

Fortunatly Miller has +5 to Surviving Volcano Sacrifice, so his odds are better.

"Yeah of course I'm calm, what are you, senile? I told you I wasn't Jay, what do I care if this meat puppet dies?"

FancyShark

One in seven vs One in seven million. Good thing Cook has that ninja training

LyraV 42Dukes

Dude Miller, you're friend is being puppeted by a being beyond your understanding. Figure it out, that is Not Cook.

gellaho

I'm too drunk for this

FlippantSausage

Also isnt Bodhi the name of a character in that Keanu Reeves surfer heist movie?

Is someone in this book Keanu Reeves and nobody said anything?!

For shame Mr. Dorn.

FancyShark

Oh god damn it, he's about to disintegrate the natives

gellaho

They are taking their sweetass time getting to this volcano

LyraV 42Dukes

I had forgotten the Volcano 😆

John

For two guys about to surf lava sharks and become time fuckers, this is a very boring book.

FancyShark

Rule of volcano sacrifice: Gotta give the victims enough time to have a long ass conversation

FlippantSausage

So......if I'm reading this conflict right........the time traveling environmentalists have engineered this native culture to toss these specific two idiots into a volcano, and Miller is going to save the future for.....Monsanto?

gellaho

Apparently the chaos regulator does affect gravity. Despite what was said earlier

gellaho

Probably not, but this is very poorly written

Help me preserve the regular movement of time, Tai Chi!

gellaho

Nooooooi

FlippantSausage

OH SHIT IT GOT LOVECRAFTIAN!

FancyShark

You don't get to claim Miller has a scientific mind this far in, book

FlippantSausage

Pretty soon Miller is going to find out his grandma was a fish and the rats are going to start whispering secrets.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

I mean, we didn't believe you the first dozen times.

gellaho

Conch shells sound like trumpets, right?

John

I'm still hung up on the "oh yeah, my arm is heavy too. I noticed it but didn't say anything" part. That kind of lazy writing pisses me off.

FancyShark

Suddenly, the tsunami flies in, riding a lava shark

FlippantSausage

I like the idea that the entire fanfare is just a series of loud conch farts repeated several times in no particular tune.

FancyShark

Blaaaaaaaat

gellaho

Welp, we've given up trying to make sense

LyraV 42Dukes

slowly, then quickly, then slowly again

FancyShark

We'll fix this in the next video card update

FlippantSausage

How do you feel time, Miller?!

TELL ME THAT MR SCIENCE MAN!

FancyShark

He is The One

FlippantSausage

I just started hating Miller.

Like a looooot.

LyraV 42Dukes

Flickering.

FlippantSausage

It doesn't take much but "feeling time" does that.

gellaho

What strange basketball is this? Dr James Naismith, answer me!

FlippantSausage

"OH NO MY CHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"

FancyShark

Duuuuuuuuude

gellaho

The primordial basketball tells secrets of the game no baller can answer

FlippantSausage

This passage is exactly like a passage in a 40k novel describing being adrift in the Warp, and I dont think Dorn meant to imply Miller is entering a co-terminous mental hellscape where emotions are given physical form.

FancyShark

Nope. Just a Denny's

gellaho

Roll the bones, baby

FlippantSausage

SKELETON ARMY!

gellaho

Maybe, just maybe, tell me what does matter and ignore the flat bones

FancyShark

Well, go to hell, us, I guess

FlippantSausage

"YOu know what reader? Fuck you for even noticing those panels and wondering what they could be made of."

gellaho

My head hurts

FancyShark

Coppery mango, sure

FlippantSausage

The artifact has tentacles now?

gellaho

This is officially worse than the Photon book about the cosmic laser tag gods

FancyShark

And weirder than the space whale

FlippantSausage

These guys are trying to do a Roger Zelazny Amber Chronicles Hellride thing, and fucking it up.

Fucking. It. Up.

gellaho

How could you possibly know that

FlippantSausage

"Okay now your pants."

FancyShark

Okay, that's it. Go fuck yourselves, authors

FlippantSausage

"No, do it slow."

gellaho

That's not even how Portuguese, Spanish or Italian work, and they're almost the same

LyraV 42Dukes

The Q to an M

John

I wish languages were that easy to learn. Half the letters are the same, so it's the same thing.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Your track record at translating this language has not been great, Miller

FancyShark

At the end, we find out it was just a Boston accent

FlippantSausage

"Ho....homophones?! WHAT FUTURE TECHNOLOGY IS THIS! MY MIND REELS! MY CHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!?"

gellaho

You know how you motion a spear to tell someone to undress

gellaho

I assume it's pointing the spearhead at the dick

FlippantSausage

When a man with a pointy stick gestures with it, nine of ten times its "Get nude."

FancyShark

"Dribbled! I'm Michael Dorn, and I do sport!"

FlippantSausage

You will absolutely know if its not.

gellaho

Come on, Dorn, give me a dick description

FlippantSausage

Is this just Dorn working up to a nude Polynesian lacross scene?

FancyShark

I don't think "modesty" is the most heroic reason to defy the murderous volcano worshippers

gellaho

But first, fucking nonsense

LyraV 42Dukes

His movements smelled like what now?

FancyShark

They wrote down their acid trip

Conspicuous Loaf of Meatbread

Well.

gellaho

Four cubes does not describe a ding dong, Dorn

Conspicuous Loaf of Meatbread

I can't unread that.

FlippantSausage

All this is Miller tripping because he touched some kind of venomous frog and its kicking in.

Conspicuous Loaf of Meatbread

So that's a thing that's stuck with me forever.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

He's trying to describe synesthesia but it just comes off like bad similes.

FlippantSausage

It's like a total square describing an acid trip.

LyraV 42Dukes

Good I thought Cook was turning into a robot or something.

FancyShark

This is a good summary

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

That should have been on the back cover

gellaho

And, yes, I am only on page 97

gellaho

One more chapter. It's short

FlippantSausage

I don;t even know if that is bad at this point.

John

"Miller died painfully. It was a better death than he deserved."

gellaho

I fought a heavy backpack in high school. It wasn't exactly heroic. It was full of textbooks

FlippantSausage

GOD JUST DROP COOK INTO A GRAVITY ANOMALY AND MAKE HIM IMPLODE FOR FUCKS SAKES!

gellaho

You. Said. It. Was. Chaos.

FlippantSausage

Wait he only just now realized it was gravity?!

FancyShark

THEY SAID IT WAS CHAOS!

IT CONTROLS THE CHAOS OF SPACE-TIME!

READ YOUR OWN FUCKING WORK, DORN!

gellaho

Not paste, flat bones.

John

At this point I have to hope he had nothing with writing this and just took $500 to put his name on the cover. Worf deserves better.

FlippantSausage

Miller, everyone knows this is how Polynesians make milk.

FancyShark

So based on Miller's assumption, the meaning is that he should turn around and flee the door at all costs

FlippantSausage

Or maybe circle around the gravitic anomaly? The geography of the scene is very unclear.

Probably the correct thing is NOT to go towards the thing increasing your body weight exponentially with every step until your organs burst under their own weight tho.

gellaho

Cook is going for it. It isn't going well

FancyShark

"It was so hot"

LyraV 42Dukes

Dude I've just been laughing, I can't stop this book is amazing. Who let them publish this? Where were his friends?

FlippantSausage

If this was a movie a moving power ballad would be playing.

Because I have this down as an 80s movie.

FancyShark

Maybe this book was Dorn's way of signaling Hemingway was holding him hostage?

FancyShark

It's from 1997

gellaho

HarperPrism, a division of publishing giant Harper Collins

LyraV 42Dukes

To be fair, I love it. It's awesome.

FlippantSausage

And somehow the movie is still from 1984

FancyShark

This really is the perfect book to riff

FlippantSausage

Oooh Cook represents Hemingways ghost!

Shit got deep.

FancyShark

Right down to the head trauma!

Well, maybe not as intense for Cook

FlippantSausage

I dont know how a ghost being smushed by a gravity affecting space pyramid tracks with this as a metaphor, but neither does anyone else.

gellaho

What could these panels be doing?

gellaho

Certaintly couldn't be generating the gravity

FancyShark

I'm not sure. My lucidity is cracking under the pressure

Maybe try some science, Miller?

gellaho

Oh, no. Miller is going to have to tell Jerry

FlippantSausage

Do some science you prick!

LyraV 42Dukes

He took no extra precautions or tried anything other than exactly what the others did. ONLY MORE MICHAEL! I mean MILLER!

gellaho

I hope by science you mean dick kick

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Are the islanders harvesting the crushed dicks from these bodies?

FlippantSausage

Man its going to be rough for Miller to find out he just said "Butt stuff" to Pirate.

FancyShark

It's no lava shark, but it's still rad

gellaho

Oh, no, not even the dick kick is powerful enough

FancyShark

Wow. Cowed by a nudge. Some hero.

FlippantSausage

Wow this momentary resistance did exactly nothing.

Great job, science man.

FancyShark

ohhh, he can translate without being an asshole about it now

FlippantSausage

"Miller didn't even expect it to work, and just wanted to kick Pirate in the dick for cock blocking him."

gellaho

One last not-really-cucking from our hero

FancyShark

hahaha

Our hero is a real piece of trash

LyraV 42Dukes

The death of Cook is still weighing heavily on him.

FlippantSausage

Damn that is like one step from breathing "I fucked your sister." into someones ear after a take down.

FancyShark

So you can see why the time traveling aliens entrusted the gravity orb to Miller

gellaho

I mean, you have a doctorate and many years of military and martial arts training. These are weird island people with pointy sticks

FancyShark

"Math says to quit being a pussy"

LyraV 42Dukes

He was more man than seven men.

FlippantSausage

He kicked Pirates ass pretty easily, he might be able to just run off? Nobody actually intervened, and he could make some armor out of coconuts and a bit of creeper.

gellaho

What!? The rectangular panels were important! Unbelievable

John

Inconceivable!

FancyShark

Miller immediately vows to get a personal pan pizza

FlippantSausage

Youd have thought Cook would have been a little clearer, but then again, Miller doesnt fucking listen.

gellaho

A 500 pound man!? Impossible!

FancyShark

TLC is suddenly interested

gellaho

Goddammit, Miller

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Miller is so dumb his friend died

FancyShark

"Almost literally"

He's going to tell Jerry his dad died for no reason

gellaho

How?

FlippantSausage

"BEcause Miller doesn't listen, Cook knew he HAD to make a big dramatic thing about it. He just didnt have time to write instructions in his own blood."

LyraV 42Dukes

He's just 'Pirate' I'd become numb to that and now it's funny again.

gellaho

Spears!? I didn't know they were throwing spears! Why didn't anyone tell me?

FancyShark

Pirate's being really uncool about the jerk that almost fucked his wife

Miller is beginning to suspect these people are hostile

gellaho

I fucking get it, triple authors

FlippantSausage

Man, Pirate has some primo aim, he must have practiced because throwing a spear already has some drop, with the gravity well, it would be pretty gnarly.

FancyShark

DO YOU?! WE CAN CLARIFY FOR ANOTHER FIVE PAGES!

John

I doubt a giant hole in his leg will heal in a few weeks, but I'm not an archaeologist.

FlippantSausage

If the bronze head is flattened by the gravity and impact, then how is it not also tearing itself down his leg like an unzipped hotdog?

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

It's a wound that will cause maximum disability but will heal with no lasting damage

perfectly clear

gellaho

I touched their God-artifact, why don't they love me?

FlippantSausage

"Why aren't they cheering?"

Fuck you, Miller.

FancyShark

A sliver of rock causes the same amount of pain as a spear gouge

gellaho

Sure, oxygen drunk. Whatever