FancyShark
Don't worry. He's tenured. He knows what he's doing.
62: Time Blender Michael Dorn (with Hillary Hemmingway and Jeffrey P. Lindsay)
Tags:
Samurai warriors battle Egyptian gods on the Island of No-Return!
Archive
gellaho
"Hey, Cook, I know you need immediate medical attention, but do you mind if I investigate this volcano?"
gellaho
Shit
Excuse me, "Aw, shit"
FancyShark
Miller's sidequesting
Djonin Djosarec
Fuck. Don't fly over volcanoes. What are you doing
gellaho
Cook attempts a bold solution
Djonin Djosarec
If there's ash coming out, even fine ash, it's going to strip your fuselage apart and jam your engines
FancyShark
Cook farted and doesn't want Miller to know
gellaho
The fuck does this mean
Djonin Djosarec
A plane literally nearly crashed by Tahiti in real life thanks to flying over a volcano
John
Guys, I don't want to be a dick, but I don't think this book is very well written.
FancyShark
Was that supposed to be "I hope you know what you're doing" in moonspeak?
LyraV 42Dukes
Miller can't be held by your 'rules'
gellaho
They land and Miller still doesn't understand his friend is possessed
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
It's great that the author put the fact that he is a pilot in his bio.
gellaho
And an active participant in many sports
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
That explains how he knows how far balls can be thrown
John
He's like Rain Man when it comes to how far you can throw a ball in any sport.
FUCK!
FancyShark
I wonder how they would have handled the tsunami if Dorn was an avid power walker
gellaho
Time for some product placement
gellaho
Trying to tie this to reality will not help you very soon
FancyShark
"He appreciated their construction, durability and reasonable price"
LyraV 42Dukes
Expedition shorts is definitely what you call them too.
Djonin Djosarec
Dork drawers
gellaho
"I know you were dead in a pit one hour ago, but I am relaxed"
Djonin Djosarec
Weenie waders
FancyShark
"Broken necks are, like, a state of mind, man"
gellaho
Sorry, @FancyShark
FancyShark
aw man
gellaho
I think the only sharks you've gotten to see have been in an asteroid during Psychodrome
because you missed the Hardy Boys one
Djonin Djosarec
This is starting to feel like an AI dungeon story with how much the tone shifts.
FancyShark
They were fighting ninjas, though. That makes up for a lot.
And sharks aren't normally stupid enough to neglect someone with a broken neck
gellaho
Miller's genius scientific mind is baffled by his brain-addled friend forgetting how to swim
Djonin Djosarec
Swem
FancyShark
Hospital in Tahiti is amazed at how few patients they have and the surplus of medical supplies in stock
gellaho
"I believe in you, my dead friend who talks like an alien visitor"
Djonin Djosarec
This uh… this feels like a very cringey segment of a bad Star Trek episode's B plot. Like this is happening concurrently with Picard trying to figure out where the hell they are.
FancyShark
Miller's really taking his time revealing that all their research is gone
LyraV 42Dukes
Through his strong powerful belt loops
gellaho
"Miller wondered if there might be something wrong with Cook"
FancyShark
Miller considers that Cook might be doing a bit before remembering Cook doesn't commit to anything
gellaho
And yes, that does say "breath the water" instead of "breathe the water"
Three authors is not enough
Djonin Djosarec
That's some good editing there, Lou
gellaho
Musky Bing Bong
FancyShark
The tsunami is hiding behind a rock, waiting for Miller to let his guard down
Djonin Djosarec
@Jazz Ramb$ne Gracie ???
gellaho
Miller takes some time to burn Club Med
FancyShark
Bet you wish you'd gotten Mr. Dorn a clean fork now, don't you, Club Med?
gellaho
The fuck does this mean, Dorn
gellaho
or this
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
He's pretty much over the whole child-centric PTSD by now.
FancyShark
"We have to leave!"
Now feed that through Google Translate until it's indecipherable
gellaho
Aliens have never encountered plants
gellaho
I guess
FancyShark
Are they on the volcanic island or a different one?
gellaho
I'm surrounded by Ecck
FancyShark
If they haven't covered substantial distance, that lost civilization resorted to cannibalism a bit too easily
gellaho
They landed the pontoon boat on a lagoon of the volcano island
Trust me, it's about to get weirder
Filty
gellaho
"Filty"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Man, that would have been caught by a spell check
FancyShark
wait, how can they find anything to eat if that civilization resorted to cannibalism because they'd depleted all sources of food?
gellaho
"You hear that!? You're all shit!"
gellaho
Well, they didn't have rented seaplanes
FancyShark
lol, of course. My mistake
gellaho
Miller immediately resorts to idol worship
gellaho
Because I guess he also hasn't heard of Easter Island
FancyShark
I'm starting to think Miller's degree might have been written in crayon
gellaho
I'm also very challenged by representations of the human form. Because I'm three years old
FancyShark
"What you looking at? Huh?"
LyraV 42Dukes
Please let Michael Dorn have flown to Easter Island and returned inspired to write this.
gellaho
Next stop, buried Japanese submarine
FancyShark
Those famous Japanese subs that backed up into the mud
gellaho
Miller has exhausted the two possibilities, Cargo Cult or rich eccentric
LyraV 42Dukes
Maybe if he had three months and several simulations he could come up with Something.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
He briefly considered a sudden, rapid change in sea level, but dismissed it as implausible.
gellaho
He takes it as a personal insult
FancyShark
Meanwhile, Cthluhu is watching from a short distance away, a book tucked under one arm and a folding chair under the other, unsure if he should say something
gellaho
Let's see, what could be next?
gellaho
Aliens, duh
gellaho
Densely packed
FancyShark
It reads "Battlestar Galactica"
gellaho
Miller needs at least fifty more weird things to happen before he believes that Cook isn't Cook
gellaho
The problem with DNA is that it wasn't densely packed enough
gellaho
You gotta triple that storage capacity, baby
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
HD-DNA
LyraV 42Dukes
He could tell what the letters would someday become? What the fuck Dorn?
gellaho
Miller understood this, being a weird black project himself
FancyShark
Miller's trying to pretend he understands this stuff even though there's no one to prove it to
His own experience of killing children instead of Saddam
gellaho
Mylar, the most advanced of our balloon technologies
FancyShark
His body temperature is drained. So, he's dead, right?
LyraV 42Dukes
Feeling that neutral coolness.
gellaho
It's definitely a product of Hollyweird
FancyShark
Dorn ran out of airplanes and Sports, so back to what he knows best
gellaho
In addition to Air Force specialist, archeological doctorate, martial arts expert, also a Hollywood consultant
FancyShark
Oh, so he has heard of actors
gellaho
Good to see spaceships operate under ADT rules
gellaho
Herenow logic absent
FancyShark
Unknown technology, so lets push buttons at random
Djonin Djosarec
Oh hey apparently this is a real thing
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triple-stranded_DNA
FancyShark
huh, crazy
gellaho
Sounds like dumb-shit-crap to me
gellaho
And yes, Tony Miller can recognize all languages
What of it?
Light can only come from tubes, right?
Djonin Djosarec
Blaaaaaaaat
FancyShark
I do need to pick up some spare light tubes
LyraV 42Dukes
There's definitely not a sheep on board.
FancyShark
I like the idea that the door is farting at them the whole time this is happening
gellaho
You got this, Tony
gellaho
FancyShark
So close, yet so far
gellaho
Djonin Djosarec
This is remarkably dumber than I was expecting
And I was expecting a pretty dumb book
FancyShark
Right? It's amazing
gellaho
The pilot instinct, built into all creatures
FancyShark
Yep. It's that ol' pilot instinct that makes a man see a stick and want to give it a good, firm grab
gellaho
Note to authors: not quintessential, just essential. If it's necessary, it's essential
gellaho
That's what I told my therapist anyway
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
not even triessential or quadessential
Djonin Djosarec
I expected an action archaeologist traveling through space time and banging alien babes. I didn't expect an annoying alien to talk like he was in a children's space man movie while a sexy ex soldier from a different genre was arbitrarily skeptical
FancyShark
That doesn't sound like a complaint though
gellaho
At least it's three S's, and not the SS
gellaho
So beats out Peter David so far
FancyShark
<phew>
Djonin Djosarec
Oh no. I want Dorn to clock Cook on the head
Like, hard.
Also his name is just Dorn, not Miller
FancyShark
I'm holding out hope Cook will tear his own face off and reveal a chitinous set of fangs
LyraV 42Dukes
Miller waffles between being an abject genuis at everything and still being unsure of if he's on a movie set.
gellaho
Interesting metaphor, Dorn
Djonin Djosarec
Dorn. He's a fucking alien.
FancyShark
Don't you bring The Gods Must Be Crazy into this
gellaho
Two Tai Chi breaths
gellaho
~~Dorn~~ Tony strong and smart
LyraV 42Dukes
Dorn writes like he fucks, densely and with much inaccuracy.
FancyShark
"Lucky break you aren't a quadriplegic"
gellaho
Dorn's entry in the "most awkward way to phrase 'looked at'"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
That is a difficult sentance to parse.
FancyShark
Off Cook's left shoulder?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
like, his face fell off and landed there?
gellaho
Cook has been possessed by Goldblum
FancyShark
Okay, I'm onboard for that development
gellaho
See, my mechanic said my car needed a replacement Chaos Regulator and my dad called me an idiot for listening
FancyShark
"Honestly, unsure why transporting chaos device expected to go without issue"
gellaho
Ooh, a native village. I'm sure this will go well
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Must have missed all that from the plane
FancyShark
Please be christmas elves. Please be christmas elves.
gellaho
Seems like this would be hard to miss
gellaho
Shit was crazy before satellite imaging I guess
FancyShark
Some buildings made from lost aircraft carriers, some made from leaves
gellaho
Hey, look, Peter David showed up anyway
FancyShark
WW2 must be part of an entrance exam for writing these books
Or a password
gellaho
Uh oh
FancyShark
oh no
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
This doesn't inspire confidence
gellaho
Hotness! Breaking! Liberal! Walls! Too! Horny!
FancyShark
I love it when a woman wears breasts
LyraV 42Dukes
Not all tenured professors
gellaho
It's a bold fashion choice for any occasion
I think Miller might be looking for some confrontation
FancyShark
He wants to show her his Prime Directive
sorry, that sounded bad even as I wrote it
Maybe they'll get lucky and this village will have a trauma ward where Cook can get his injuries looked at
LyraV 42Dukes
Cook is for sure dead.
gellaho
I agree with Cook
FancyShark
I hope the lady's a Siren
gellaho
I don't know what impolitic means, but the rest of it works
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Irrational States of Rut sounds like a good name for... Something
gellaho
Miller's getting a scientific ass shot
FancyShark
Walks up to her. 'Okay, play it cool.'
"YOU MAKE SEX ME?"
gellaho
I'm not sure how three people can simultaneously write a sexual fantasy, but here we are
FancyShark
Polynesian slut shaming, courtesy Michael Dorn
LyraV 42Dukes
Women love when you stare at them with full erections without speaking.
Especially if you've just met.
FancyShark
It's my favorite ice breaker
Djonin Djosarec
Michael Dorn never struck me as a 90s anti PC guy.
Dang
gellaho
The god-face toilet seat. A necessity for all homes
FancyShark
Yeah, he always seemed chill
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Maybe that was the part Hemmigway wrote.
FancyShark
I don't feel okay unless I'm shitting on a god
gellaho
There are three people writing this, I'm not sure how much to put on who
FancyShark
That must be their strategy
gellaho
But I'll put it all on Dorn, because he put his (and only his) name on the cover
LyraV 42Dukes
I don't understand what you mean, he clearly stated that he is normally a very PC person but this chick is just so fucking hot.
gellaho
And this is the vanitiest vanity project that ever vanitied
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Michael dorn wrote the parts where he is describing himself.
gellaho
HISTORICAL PILLOWS
FancyShark
"Few minutes"? Kind of a self-own there, Dorn
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I'm sure upholstery lasts for ages in a tropical, volcanic climate
gellaho
His professorial nature took over. Then his boner
FancyShark
She better be one of those Japanese spider demon ladies
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Look who's suddenly all concerned about the prime directive
gellaho
Cook sat outside talking about dirt excrement and chlorophyll remains while Miller got his rocks off
FancyShark
"I have syphilis"
LyraV 42Dukes
"Please stop staring at my breasts, we literally just met"
gellaho
Yuki turned Tony into a five syllable name
FancyShark
C'mon, spider demon. C'mon
gellaho
This is Tony Miller's first erection
FancyShark
"Hmm. Fascinating."
gellaho
"What is this powerful sexual attraction? Is this my Pon Farr?"
Jesus Christ, Tony
gellaho
Is Tony 14?
FancyShark
Our hero, too horny to listen to the warning about being a human sacrifice
gellaho
Because there's no other explanation for this amount of horny energy
Tony's boner turns toward this new, male entrant
FancyShark
"Oh, okay. Threeway"
LyraV 42Dukes
He senses where the throttle is and reaches for it with his pilots instincts.
FancyShark
Great job on lookout, Cook
gellaho
"Nose-to-nose, Tony resisted a make-out contest to prove who should have sex with Yuki"
FancyShark
Dance off
DANCE OFF!
gellaho
Coitus interruptus
FancyShark
Pirate didn't finish filling his charge bar
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
That must have been a very expressive point.
gellaho
Hope you were ready for signs of incest. Because I guess why not
FlippantSausage
Ohhhh nooooooooo its Pitcairn Island all over again!
FancyShark
"I tried. She's married."
gellaho
Why aren't there more Irish shipwreck survivors on this remote island!?
gellaho
Huh!? I ask you!?
Where are all the blue-eyed redheads?
You know, that common combination!
FancyShark
He's actually in Hong Kong. These are just some homeless people
gellaho
A region carrying a common ethnicity is a sign of interbreeding, right?
FlippantSausage
Miller is a two fisted......something or other not a geneticist!
gellaho
not like a normal thing?
it's gotta be incest
FlippantSausage
I think he just WANTs it to be incest, he been hitting that Game of Thrones porn hard.
FancyShark
Sure. You see more than two people of the same ethnicity, they're probably fucking their siblings
gellaho
Why does the black man know more about Polynesian culture than most?
gellaho
I mean, I'm not crazy, that's a weird thing to say, right?
FancyShark
I guess Pirate is the dude's actual name. Like Waiter, or Bellhop
No, you're right. It's weird
FlippantSausage
I was wondering why they capitalized it.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
He keeps jumping to the weirdest conclusions.
FlippantSausage
And yeah. its weird.
gellaho
OK, well, forget about all that
LyraV 42Dukes
then reassuring himself they make perfect sense
gellaho
Because there's an old woman with a machine gun cane
FancyShark
Fucking finally!
Also a dick kilt
A dick dress
gellaho
That's not how language works
FlippantSausage
DICK WITCH!
This is looking up!
Brendanonymous
Oh darn it's Friday isn't it
gellaho
That is how time works
LyraV 42Dukes
Hello @Brendanonymous this book is fucking fantastic
gellaho
And apprently the three people writing this book have never heard of false cognates
Or, false almost-sort of-near cognates
FancyShark
@Brendanonymous , get in here! You're missing out!
gellaho
Because Bakadoa is not that close to Matatoa
That's kind of like saying "bread" is close to "dead"
FancyShark
I like that the lady walked up to the group of warriors and basically said "Fighter?" No questioning who he is or how he arrived
FancyShark
It is if you have Celiac's Disease
FlippantSausage
The dick witch also only speaks in one word sentences.
gellaho
Sure whatever
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Don't worry about your dick
FlippantSausage
That is a wild assumption to make off one word.
gellaho
You know what they say, "if you can't eat bread, you might as well be dead"
FancyShark
This message brought to you by Sara Lee
FlippantSausage
Like Japanese has some single words for very complex things, Bakadoa could mean "Cut off his dick first, it's probably sweet."
gellaho
Sounds like a pretty shitty cell.
gellaho
Also, I guess he's in a cell
FancyShark
Hut. Cell. Box. Hard to say when human language is so vast and complex
LyraV 42Dukes
Maybe he will finally ask the name of the alien possessing his friend.
gellaho
Miller is employing the Jurassic Park raptor strategy
gellaho
Oh, you poor, poor, hopelessly delusional individual
FancyShark
Ahh, so now he is the Polynesian. Very sneaky, Dorn
FlippantSausage
He will later use his enlarged dew claw to gut someone and they will yell "Bakadoa" because that means "Oh shit, manraptor rampage!"
gellaho
You know, the cradle of civilization. The Polynesian islands
That's the only reason people know how to make boats