๐จ The Book Cage Poll Time ๐จ
I have been somewhat remiss in my screening process. What have I been busy with? Don't worry about it. In any event, I have decided to put the blame on all of you l. Select one of the two barely screened books.
Your entertainment level will be your own fault this time. It's ridiculous premise vs sci-fi "comedy"
๐ - Anti-Grav Unlimited
๐ด - Bicycling Through Space and Time
You have until 5pm when the polls close. To help, you will be able to see the blurb for the first time.
I wanted some context on that insane pull quote and found maybe the harshest wikiburn I've ever seen.
Bad comedies are always a challenge, but I think we're up to the task
Also, if Mike Sirota is billing his book by comparing it to the sci-fi comedy book gold standard, he's digging his own grave
wow when I write fantasy comedy, I live in fear of someone mentioning pratchett
cause yeah, that sets an impossible standard
If my wiki entry ever says I'm most known for writing like someone else (and it's not Seanbaby) then I'm gonna stop writing forever.
nevertheless anti-grav unlimited promises a truly prodigious amount of antigravity
also is that a Wayne's world reference???
Which is which, please, @gellaho ? I feel it could be either category for each book
There are some subtle clues, but Bicycling Through Space and Time AKA "in the hilarious tradition of Douglas Adams" is the bad comedy
Thanks.
Come on guys, a van full of hot rods and a bitchin hot sidekick? How can you not go that route?
The Van Commish is disappointed in all of you
It's like you guys don't want to see how to take a Ford Econoline to the moon
we have one vote for ๐ฅ and that's terrifying
french books in the book cage are dangerous
The blurb made me change my vote. "Most excellent!" deservrs nothing but contempt.
Space Vannin' is the superior cover, but I'm not sold on the summary
The space bike seemed funnier, but the summary sucks. Mixing time travel and Hitler and trying to sell a book with it is amateur hour.
Gotta disagree, I am always on board for some Bill and Tedding, whether ironic or unironic.
I'll stick to the genuine article.
Calling the anti grav rods "the hottest thing since Galileo" is lame as shit though
Maybe this is closer than it seems
Both are flawed, but I prefer the more inventive flaws of the one that at least dares to suck in original directions instead of just desparately grabbing at every semi-current reference.
Magic science rods that ignore most physical laws.
There's also a lot more murder than you'd expect
As far as I'm aware, no chance of France in Anti-Grav Unlimited. Bicycling could go anywhere
That's my vote right there!
Also like what do you even use the rods for
Hot roddin'
I'm pretty sure everything
Feels like one of those inventions that doesn't have a lot of uses
Neck-and-neck.
If the votes don't change in the next hour, I'll have to figure out how to handle the croissant
The croissant was intended to be read as a crescent moon, for the anti-grav book.
I thought it would be obvious but apparently I was wrong
Anyway today's podcast makes antigravity sound hilarious so
Lyra say what you were going to say I want your input
I already forgot, something about hot rods to the Moon.
this book cage vote has been amazing to watch
top tier suspense
It's a hard call, bicycles through time/space is also very tempting.
fucking tragic, I hate it when lyra doesn't talk
Bicycling to visit Adolf Hitler is a bold plot point to put on the back cover.
How dare you, this is a serious and important process. We are selecting art here, people. We are not here to make fun of-
wait, where am I
You'd usually leave that as a surprise for the beginning of your children's book about laser tag
It's a strangely wholesome way to visit a monster.
I'd rather time travel to Hitler in something modern that he would find baffling so I could watch him be dumb and confused by my future gear. Then you tap his kneecaps with a bat.
The Book Cage Episode 73 Anti-Grav Unlimited
It was a hard-fought battle, but Phil's magical science rods have won the day. You fools have chosen the more well-written and possibly more coherent book. It depends on how you feel about rods that defy gravity and can be used for everything. And murder. And conspiracy. It's a weird post-apocalyptic book, and you know what that means! Or at least you will this Friday, 5pm eastern as we read Duncan Long's Anti-Grav Unlimited.
Meet Duncan Long
That seems like two different biographies shoved together
well the first half was written by Duncan
second by Long
"A mail-order business" is unsettlingly vague when connected to the other facts
I bet that newsletter has some interesting tips for survival.
"How to Stay Off the Grid"
Tip 1: You fool! How did I find you!
Getting a music degree by mail is a terrifying proposition
I'm not sure how grand a journey he's been on if he lives in the same state he was born
he went to the next town over once
the tapwater tasted different so he came right back
Yes!!! Rods!!!
Coming up at the top of the hour, it's Anti-Grav Unlimited. Here's a preview, in the form of business advice from Duncan Long
Hangover math problems never caught on despite being exactly what kids need
ripening bodies don't mix with antigrav rods Duncan, what are you thinking?
Time to begin the process
"Unlimited Anti Grav is 99.99 a month but you get all the anti grav you can handle."
"300 channels of pure Anti Grav.
Very helpful, I thought it was a bench
I think I've decided Maggie, Kristen and Nicholas are the authors two wives and husband.
I don't know why but that fucking slew me, that's too funny. Like no shit buddy
"This isn't plagiarized. Is it suspicious that I brought that up?"
That's actually surprisingly standard, almost every movie has it in the credits, and even Pratchett books do.
Are you sure? Do you want to fact check with Nicholas?
In the future, transport is achieved by gun-car-trains
It's just legal ass-covering.
I blame lawyers
Future train has a cattle guard.
Caffeinex -- the new product from Juan (They/Them) Valdez
Roadtrain was my favorite GTA San Andreas vehicle
Like anything you hit at 150 klicks isnt pink mist.
Hah, he's using metric.
Come on dude atleast make it a cybercattle turboguard
Maybe its got neon underlighting.
This sounds fantastic. I'm here to laugh with it, not at it.
Hi-pees
Hi-pees is the worst Hi-C flavor.
...I still think underlighting is dope.
Best? Ecto Cooler.
This book is already too well written
road trains are a real thing today in australia
it's how they move cows across the country
Wait when he shot up hi-pees is he doing the drugs?
are hi-pees hippies because
Is pee a futuredrug?!
oh god I hope so
America was THIS close to going metric when the book was written.
ANTI GRAV IS SO EDGY ITS MC MAINLINES PISS!
no they must be bureaucrats
Oh this takes place in the Colt Blacke universe
Duncan Long's just going to rush through this background real quick
This author read that one Harlan Ellison story and said "But worldbuilding"
"I paid for the full nuclear war."
"No, sir. You paid for the limited package."
"limited" nuclear war, one of the quaint notions brought to us by Henry Kissinger.
the limited nuclear war? Did they agree on a nuke limit before the war?
CMON HENRY JUST LET GOOOOOO!
SLIP INTO THE DARK!
New John Denver, they cloned him for the new city.
Pretty sure hi-pee is a terrible abbreviation for highway patrol
"Yeah the plastic roads melt something awful in the summer but its the future, everything is plastic."
that's awful but fuck highway patrol so it's a wash I guess
Yes, because Amazon and Google would totally step in if the US government collapsed, rather than relocate to small pockets of concrete bunkers
Kraig
Okay well can we call them them hi-pees now? I feel like they'd hate that.
KRAZY KRAIGS KRUSTY KOMPOUND!
Kraig is selfconscious because he worries Nikki's only interested in his transport body
I thought it said Krang and Nikki and was like 'Good for you Brain Man'
dangit, that's way better
Kraig only started spelling his name like that to impress Nikki, a K enthusiast.
Hi P Freely
Bag lady is a vital plot point
I already like this MC a little, he mainlines piss and shoots cops.
Hehehe........half cock.
He's killed so many people trying to wash his windshield
He nicknames his gun Henrietta the 9mm Beretta.
where's djonin? He should be telling us about how Beretta don't blah blah blah
Thats what you get when you holster your 9mm down the front of your pants.......half cocked.
This raises a lot of questions. Mostly what a modifhorse is
Bag lady and her robot husband. Nothing to see here.
It started off as a squirrel and they gradually replaced parts
Or robot wife.
robot horses are so much more efficient than cars
He followed a car train that shot some possibly fake cops
See? New Denver, small nukes exchange...Colt Blacke.
It was almost hype, but missed it by so much
I like mine better.
That's how elevators work
hahaha, he's in a cartoon
in the future they will overclock elevators because fuck you
Krazy Kraig's OverKloked Elevator and Komputer Repair.
Every cup of coffee brought into that elevator ends up on the ceiling
This seems like a confusing place to live
He's got a Thirty-Thirty! @๐ฝ MISSINGMo (รยฅโฮตโโsโ>โ Sรจโปโ โโร !
So screw you, elderly, the blind and the drunk
Someone has tried and failed to build the hall
Invisible doors seems highly inconvenient to us, but thats because we dont live in the future where people mainline piss with their robot horse spouses.
Friend of yours, @FancyShark?
Again, seems like a weird way to live
god a mirrored apartment sounds like a nightmare
"Yeah no, man, we do like a Japanese thing and sit on the floor. Take off your shoes."
I only know one person who likes their face that much
Holodeck Shark is my new favorite character
"Why yes this is a neo silk kimono from Chiba."
Kraaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiig!
"It's made from robot spiders and the hair of orphaned New Cambodian children."
Is it a modif-shark or just a regular dumb wicked-looking shark?
White room with white carpeting sounds eye straining. Could you turn the 3...V back on?
Especially between 4:38pm and 4:42pm when the sun hits just the right spot to make the entire apartment a heat lamp
Ohhhhhhh a modified klone for Kraig.
Nikki is Kraigs clone fuck sister.
Basically
Excuse me, klone fuck sister.
Dinocow
dinocow
It's the difference between a natural and an artificial christmas tree
oh god of course she's a bio sexbot
I mean a dino cow is basically a triceratops with teats.
DINOCOW!
why does every shitty specfic author go there immediately?
Big old scaly udders.
Because boobs + lonely
my boobs scorn them
Next time on Dinocow and Modif-horse
SCORN
Nerds wanna fuck clones, ideally of themselves but modified to be more fun, like have cat paws or something. Also no free will.
Kraig's clone body pillow
"Goddammit! Who ate all the hay?!"
"We better beat feet, best buddy."
<whinnies>
I don't know why only Dinocow talks
I, no word of a lie, had a dream last night where I, like, astrally projected out of my body and tried to make out with myself. It was so electric it jarred me awake immediately.
Its cool that being a perfect ubermensch didnt go to Nikkis head as she funnels her klone brotherdads hog.
Material for a top flight Hawkwind song.
Illegal body pillow
because you are a genius
"Full-in-the-right-places" is the coward's way to perv-describe
This is my vat. I call it...the vat.
oh "of course" he starts with the chromosomes fuck you clonemeister
large feet, large hands and huge ears
It's called "Bone-digging" and YOUR kids may be doing it. Using laser-drill tech, today's teens are practicing a dangerous form of narcissistic self-harm for masturbatory creation of sentient life. Full story at 11, plus an interview Dr. Jen Miller of Yale's Bioethics division about how 'talk' to your 'teens' and their 'clones'."
i know many languages
Man I do not like the implikations or the ethikal ramifikations of Kraigs aktions.
I'm getting big actually-a-nine-hundred-year-old-dragon vibes from Nikki.
So Kraig is the villain?
I'm just glad she's not an evil/slutty redhead and yes I know I'm alone in that.
And they did the "born yesterday" thing fuck I hate that
I'm glad this character is Ferris Buellering now. Weird that I still don't know his name
Thank fuck Kraig is dead.
I'm glad too, its important to have diversity in your evil and slutty characters.
AQUANAUTS! ASSEMBLE!
Kraig is such a Gary Stu he created his own Mary Sue in-universe.
FUKK YOU KRAIG! THE MARTIAN GOAT WAS PERFECT ALREADY!
that's why I was bioengineered in a clone vat
TO ME, MY AKWA-NOTS
Sorry, a klone vat*
Professor K and the Akwanauts
The only Kaiser I acknowledge is Mazin Kaiser.
You sound like great friends, sure. Especially with how much you seem to hate him
If your best friend doesn't make you uncomfortable, who can?
OH DOES THE KLONE FUCKER MAKE YOU UNKOMFORTABLE?!
oh yeah when your buddy starts domestically abusing his sex slave daughter, you leave them both alone
Kraig done grown himself a self-fuck boy
sounds like MC could use an asian secret agent clone girlfriend too
sister*
fuck he's alive
Man you suck if you can't get your own clones into a threesome.
Kraig made a fuck-son to fuck his fuck-daughter and I hate every neuron that formed that thought
Get out old clone, I have better clone now!
Also its really sad if you cant make a relationship with your clone work.
And she got fired, what a day
At that point, you have to admit the problem is you
but Nikki, you aren't a real human!
Oh. Nikki. You'll be in a cock pit. Just not in one on a ship.
Secret assassin bag lady!
The cock pits of Neptune are like hell for bright young clones.
Thank god she's a whiz at figuring things out. Unlike Doug over here.
"MittENS!"
Shit yeah! NEEDLE GUN!
[to the tune of Jessie's girl] You know I wish that I had Nikki's dad
Hey Author! I like Hawkwind too!
at least we know the MC is named Phil now
But I'm still gonna make fun of your weird book.
Shit, she found the needler
If Sasee is a sassy black woman I will flip the whole server over in pure mad
It's called a needle rifle because it's the size of a needle. It's a terrible gun.
Dog paddling is a very suboptimal way to move on carpet, Phil.
Rachel wins. Pack it in.
I'm serious, don't put anything past this author
Is this the end of bag lady?
Unless it's shag
also Nikki JUST broke up with her boyfriend and he's already on all fours, typical
Bag lady! NOOOO!
Nope, weird forcefield armor
BAG LADY WITH A FORCEFIELD!
Move over, Holodeck Shark!
She was engineered to be the perfect human being with Captain America stats and she still got fired by machine-induced layoffs, and I'm back, Nikki is the millennial protagonist.
Man future bag ladys have a bunch of sweet murdergear.
so sick of these tired old tropes
Future people throw away the damndest things.
Goddamned 3V on the fritz again
Its a commentary on our disposable shit.
the superhuman is also doing nothing this fight because she's a woman
Needle guns and force fields are just like cell phones.
HOLOSHARK! ATTACK!
I SAID ATTACK!
"I'm sorry. I did not understand you."
ALEXA, MAKE HOLOSHARK ATTACK!
"Playing Josh Grobin"
DAMMIT
Okay but holodeck hall of mirrors from Enter the Dragon is a good idea.
Just invulnerable is this woman
she's a space marine (cinematic mode)
Phil.........a nine mil doesnt............they arent shells.
You nerd.
Check out the guy using an antique pistol against a force field.
oh hell. They found the Joe Hardy gene
try throwing your gun
He might as well have a pointed stick.
POWER LASER
hahaha, we have fun
Hahahaha holy shit Nikki.
You sure proved Rachel wrong.
All over the carpet too.
okay to give this author credit, I like that the laser was invisible
You rarely see that
heyooo!
but also I hate him and he's a hack pervert
Didnt cauterize the neck stump tho so fuck him.
This is a good way to prove me wrong
Flashback to: Phil getting fired
Hanley the Last Weisenbender