80: The Pale Companion Kenneth Von Gunden

gellaho

The Book Cage Episode 80 - The Pale Companion

What do you get when you combine an interplanetary assassin and a cyborg powered by the brain of a dead man? Some bullshit familial-business drama. The good news, however, is that the first 25 pages is the most dense pile of insanity I've seen in quite some time. Hold on to your butts, because we'll be skipping a lot. Prepare for the scholarship of Kenneth von Gunden (a retired Penn State film professor specializing in science fiction) this Friday, 5pm eastern.

gellaho

godless juice jakesy

Back on the Cyborg Train, babay

gellaho

I will point out that the summary on the back is almost entirely lies

godless juice jakesy

I mean I agree, why would you need an army of cyborgs when one cyborg has the firepower of an entire army?

gellaho

Be forewarned, the cyborg in this book sucks ass and I hate him. I'm also not certain he's actually a cyborg. He might just be a robot

Badgerman

I mean, the Terminator is just a robot with a skin cover and they call that shit a "cyborg", so who's to say

gellaho

He makes a lot of "jokes" and the only part of him that is still human is his brain...maybe. I'm still not 100% on that even

At any rate, the beginning of this book is glorious, but then it hits a nosedive when the family reunion starts

Badgerman

That's just kinda how family reunions go iirc

godless juice jakesy

Yeah when unfunny people try to put jokes in their writing it never works out well

gellaho

A little under an hour until The Pale Companion. Here is the preview, which kind of gives away the book a bit.

Badgerman

Bro what you can't just leak your own climax fight scene before the book even starts

What is this author doing

FancyShark

"Polysteel"? Simon Hawke will be calling your attorney

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Polysteel is made of polycules. Spread the word.

Badgerman

Poly Steele is equally rageful and tempestuous to all of his partners

gellaho

So, before the book starts, I do have a couple of notes. This book is a little longer than average at 264 pages. However, large swaths are also boring, so large chunks will be skipped.

My only trepidation with doing this is that you will not get the full annoyance experience of the cyborg Sam Houston. I hate him.

There is also a stark contrast between the first 25 pages and the rest of this book. I'm not really sure what happened there.

FancyShark

This should be interesting

gellaho

And some things to keep in mind about the author:

Kenneth Von Gunden was a Penn State University professor and is still a writer. Many of his friends call him "Dr. Kenny," because he has a Ph.D. in American Culture/Film/Popular Culture from Penn State.

As a graduate student at PSU, Von Gunden assisted Philip Klass (William Tenn) in teaching one of the first SF Literature courses in the United States. It was Klass who encouraged him to write.

So he's studied media specializing in science fiction

FancyShark

uh oh

gellaho

Let's see how that works out

FancyShark

Knowing gellaho, I'm sure that's to get us excited about how great this will be

gellaho

Let's begin the process

1000 Space GDCs

I'm turning off my work laptop and pouring a beer.

gellaho

A lot of this book was built on this cyborg fight between identical cyborgs

Badgerman

Ayyy, Penn State. Local grad

gellaho

sure hope that doesn't dissapoint

FancyShark

I don't see how it could!

Badgerman

The cover art really makes it look like one is super duper puffy

FancyShark

Man vs Congestive Heart Failure Man

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

It's all the sub dermal chrome.

Badgerman

The timeless combat of history retold

gellaho

Start with Shakespeare, never clichéd

1000 Space GDCs

Ah, a man of culture

gellaho

Badgerman

I am getting the feeling of pomping in the Book Cage

FancyShark

"What's a quote that means 'I will tell you a story of a dude with the biggest hog'?"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

You can feel that Penn State education money.

FancyShark

Old business, like Denny's or the AARP

gellaho

This will be consistent characterization I'm sure

FancyShark

Hives, always disgorging

Badgerman

Starting up immediately with the sci fi babble vomit

gellaho

'bot

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Yeah my guy, nobody likes the TSA and the customs men, we get it.

LyraV

Oh this opened with a midsummer night's dream quote, that feels ominous combined with the cover art.

Badgerman

That thick bullshit patty of a first sentence followed by "'bot". Fucking incredible

FancyShark

No mention of what would happen if the disdain was noticed

gellaho

This skin tone disguise won't make sense later on

Badgerman

Yeah, this is definitely the writing style of a man who doesn't "get" why blackface sucks

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Are they setting him up for learning a lesson about robot racism? Is this a Become Human?

Badgerman

'Bot Like Me

FancyShark

Wait for the survey at the end

1000 Space GDCs

I guess he got fake retinas?

Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child

Did he use alternation as if it were some sci fi way of saying Alteration?

FancyShark

They're glued to the front of his glasses. It's a bad disguise.

Badgerman

Just peeling off colored contact lenses like Patrick Bateman in the mirror

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Black market eyeballs.

gellaho

You know what, I'm actually going to skip that section. He goes to a family reunion in the second part and it turns out his entire family is mixed race

Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child

Because Alternation is an actual word that soecifically doesn't work in that situation

1000 Space GDCs

gellaho

What a genius solution that I've never heard before

gellaho

well, phone don't listen to me about not making that a reply I guess

Badgerman

Eye-dentity theft

FancyShark

Stealing the eyeballs is easier

Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child

I think that entire paragraph is a brilliant non-sequitur reply to questions about racism in a scifi book

gellaho

I love the planet of Made It

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Patrick Harrison, but his made up friends call him "Neil"

Badgerman

Why are y'all booing me, that's literally what happened

FancyShark

Still a pun

Badgerman

Man, he couldn't even come up with a Lastname's Planet?

Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child

Why do all SciFi writers immediately refer to anything Japanese/Japan as Nippon?

1000 Space GDCs

I think Larry Niven wrote a book with a planet called Made It

FancyShark

To silence the weebs

Badgerman

They think they're being wise and worldly by referring to it "in the original tongue"

LyraV

The weebs within their own MINDS

gellaho

PrinSecPol. Because that's how things get shortened

FancyShark

Smacking your head is so cliche

Badgerman

But satisfying!

Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child

Of course! His boss! "Facesmash Keyboard"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Known as Prinnies on the street.

gellaho

You may want to know what the Whale Nation is. But you won't

Badgerman

Oh. Oh no

Oh no no no

Oh okay, never mind. I misread the fuck out of "whale"

FancyShark

If it's not a Star Whale, it can fuck right off

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I then have to assume it's like The Nation of Islam but for cetaceans.

1000 Space GDCs

It's the planet of people who pay too much for lootboxes

Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child

Hashem Fedalf rearranges to "Shh, A Famed Elf"

Badgerman

Elrond!

1000 Space GDCs

Oh, and the planet in Ringworld was called We Made It.

FancyShark

Sam Houston rearranges to "Shout No Mas!"

gellaho

There are certain names that have been claimed. By 1994, Voorhees was one

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Or it's an anachronistic reference to Avatar the Last Airbender.

Badgerman

Oh my god it's a stealth sequel to Jason X: Jason Goes to Space

gellaho

So, this Alfie thing never gets explained. He just kind of has a magic friend

FancyShark

So...they weren't dead?

Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child

While I'm on an Anagram Kick. Galen Yeager is either "Algae Energy" or "Eery Egg Anal"

gellaho

That he talks to telepathically

FancyShark

So glad we're getting all this magic and fantasy in a sci fi book

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Oh this is a Quantum Leap thing? Alfie is this guy's Ziggy?

Badgerman

Alfie was totally going to be the super advanced alien vanguard in the other books that never got green lit

Badgerman

Sometimes it fucks! Sometimes. Probably not here though.

FancyShark

Alfie is just a GPS

gellaho

I'm not really sure what Alfie gets out of this arrangement

1000 Space GDCs

You can tell Alfie is a robot because he communicates in html

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

It's not weird at all to tell your AI phone you were thinking about it like that.

Like not at all flirty.

Badgerman

This is just his Destiny 2 Ghost

Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child

I picture Alfie as some weird dude sitting in a dark room on some futuristic version of Discord that only connects to Galen

FancyShark

It really is the guide character from a video game

gellaho

The ultimate in espionage: shoe lifts

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Galen just really doesn't understand the concept of Netrunners.

Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child

Galen "Manlet" Yeager fools society with heels

Badgerman

Remember when Rorschach having shoe lifts was a big reveal at the end of his downfall arc to make him look like a big fat loser

Anyway, here's a guy we're supposed to like

gellaho

This woman is definitely going to be important to the larger plot of this book

gellaho

Definitely

Badgerman

Cousteauean is a terrible word

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Nobody really is fooled by his disguise but is too polite to say.

Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child

Cousteauean is way to many vowels in a row

Cousteaunite would have worked better

1000 Space GDCs

Cousteauner

Badgerman

Cousteaus of the world, unite!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Cousteaush

FancyShark

An autocab? Not a transpobus?

Arch Hotdog Witch Adrienne

Or even Cousteauni

gellaho

"Horribly vulgar"

Badgerman

Oh, because she has curves.

I mean. I guess that's a pun.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"PUNS! DOES NOT COMPUTE!"

1000 Space GDCs

puns are the lowest form of humor and even they are beyond him

gellaho

But they pull me back in

Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child

Galen doesn't understand puns, talks to an AI in his head and is antisocial... and we're supposed to be surprised when a robot copies him?

Badgerman

Just like the top shelf

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Also describing your main character as being a humorless goob is not great.

Arch Hotdog Witch Adrienne

"Our protagonist wouldn't know a joke if it bit him on the dick, dear readers"

gellaho

Definitely will be consistent characterization

Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child

Galen sounds like would definitely fall in the "Doesn't Know What Sex Is/Fucks" category

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"He's so cool and professional he's no fun at all!"

Arch Hotdog Witch Adrienne

Phew. Autocorrect did NOT want me talking about dick-biting

FancyShark

Oh, so Galen's kind of a psychopath

gellaho

How dare you ask my robot with a dead man's personality to kill!

Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child

Galen interjects with pure exposition

Badgerman

If this was the actual historical Sam Houston this robot would have no problem at all with killing

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Wait they have kill bots and are using this boring asshole?

1000 Space GDCs

You can tell an editor had to convince him Galen shouldn't start his speech with 'as you know...'

FancyShark

Yes I can. I mean Sam. Sam I can.

Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child

Editor?

1000 Space GDCs

I do not like that sam i can

gellaho

But why must I murder?

gellaho

FancyShark

He will not kill, that Sam I can

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I'm immediately picturing Sam as a toucan with an epic mustache and cowboy hat.

Badgerman

Oh fuck off with this Byronesque imagery

He's a big weenie and he doesn't want to do his state sanctioned murder job. There, saved you a thesaurus

gellaho

Take the happy stick down to the butt

Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child

Galen listens to "As_I_Watch_The_Sun_Fuck_The_Ocean.mp3"

FancyShark

He seems really torn up about the ruthless killering getting in the way of his quest for blandness

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Ass worked too.

Badgerman

Did the word "cigarette" get canceled or something

FancyShark

"Happy stick" means "syringe of meth"

1000 Space GDCs

No, Galen is super high right now

gellaho

The supercillious 'bot asked disdainfully

Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child

So far the only things I know about Galen is he doesn't get puns, gets nervous at the idea of meeting a woman and would literally kill rather than inconvenience a friend.

Is this book just a thinky veiled jab at Autistic people?

Edit: I'm on that spectrum so I'm not punching down here

1000 Space GDCs

Our ruthless killer walked down to the beach and smoked a joint like a 17 year old

Badgerman

This is almost exactly a sentence from William Shatner's Tekwar

FancyShark

YAS Tanna

Badgerman

Where it appeared as "said the robot pimp disdainfully"

gellaho

Galen smiled a smile.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

And Yas Tannas sibling Yarp

Badgerman

A DECEPTIVELY FRIENDLY smile!

1000 Space GDCs

I thought 'bots emotional state was inscrutable. But disdain is definitely possible

FancyShark

He grinned a smile so laughy

Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child

When you say 'bot are you supposed to pronounce the ' ?

Badgerman

Here, take this message cube. Because we don't use paper in the future.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I think the apostrophe is silent but conveyed with an eye roll

1000 Space GDCs

I love old sci fi because they always have the least convenient forms of data storage

gellaho

Disgorged the plaspaper on the plaswood

FancyShark

Again with the disgorging

Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child

Message cubes are just pieces of paper that are equal in width, height and length

gellaho

Plaspaper only

Badgerman

Good god, it is Tekwar. They were all fucking about the plas-stuff in that book

FancyShark

"Utilitarian pieces of furniture" is the most hand-waving description of an office's furniture I've ever seen

Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child

"A Plastic IKEA desk with faux-wood panelling" sounds less cool than Plaswood

gellaho

What markings? That's an excellent question with no answer

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Shadow Legion sounds cool. I bet Dr. Kenny will have written it as a group of bankers or something.

Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child

And it's very hard to sound less cool than Plaswood

Badgerman

Nevin Feller's Shadow Legion sounds like someone making fun of Tom Clancy

1000 Space GDCs

Go talk to that ol' Nevin feller o'er there

gellaho

YOU ARE DIFFERENT IN A NUMBER OF WAYS

godless juice jakesy

Jesus I'm not going to be able to join this for another half hour and I'm going to be so lost

Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child

I've been here since the start and I have no clue

Badgerman

Just takes off his shoes and Tanna does a huge gasp

gellaho

Names without context sure are great

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

S.......superman?! But how?!

FancyShark

"You are so different in traits and identifiers that I cannot bother to list them"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Clark Kent was just here!

Badgerman

Love when dialogue is this dry and flat. Really love the crunch it makes when it gets stuck in my teeth

gellaho

"But why must I kill?" he thinks before saying a one-liner

Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child

Gar and Tey Varro grew up in a family so poor they couldn't afford more than 3 letters for first names

Badgerman

This dude is such a fucking square that his premortem one line is "I am here to kill you"

FancyShark

So it's a needle gun that fires pottery shards

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

You suck Galen. You fuckin had a chin wag with this idiot before perforation and it was not even a cool one.

gellaho

No sense of humor, but makes fun of the corpse

Badgerman

He fell to the floor without a sound, just after he screamed the word "NO!"

gellaho

Like I said, very consistent

Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child

What I like is thatnit sounds like he's Yas queening his own statement

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

He's making jokes for Alfie I guess.

gellaho

Qumalii multidimensional security cube

Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child

He doesn't know they're jokes. He's just making conversation

Badgerman

Oh shut up

You can get away with this shit in Star Wars, not an original IP about cyborg fights

Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child

More cubes... the future is all cube

FancyShark

Qumalii makes the best security cubes

1000 Space GDCs

Does this book have an appendix or glossary or anything? This author seems self-indulgent enough to include one

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I do like a good cube ....

Badgerman

"Qumalii multidimensional security cube". Get the fuck outta here

gellaho

Certainly about cyborg fights

Definitely happens early and often

Badgerman

Oh yeah, wall to wall action going on here

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Multi dimensional cube. Has three dimensions.

gellaho

Sonofafuckingbitch

FancyShark

My ass is blown to the back of my skull by the action so far

Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child

The only options are either explaining things 10 chapters later OR..and I'm strongly suspecting this... moving on and hoping everyone just forgets

Badgerman

That cuss exploded out of him like someone dropped a mentos in a diet coke

FancyShark

Oh cute! He knows idioms too!

gellaho

Why does an alien light-years away have access to this information. Do not worry about it

gellaho

Hold on to that butt

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"it's a cardboard box, Galen. Just pull off the tape."

gellaho

Shit will go crazy and you will not be prepared

Badgerman

What was the significance of the sequence of numbers if it wasn't his birthday

Are we going to address that at all

FancyShark

It better have been "11111"

Badgerman

That's what I use on my luggage!

gellaho

Good thing the cloud wasn't invented by the future

Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child

"Yas!"

"Success?"

"Yes!"

Badgerman

He's come down with a touch of… DEATH.

1000 Space GDCs

I think you scooped like 5 people on that joke.

Badgerman

Muahahahaha!

FancyShark

I'm afraid it was fatal

Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child

Of course. Keep the brain in the abdomen.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Does he have a second gun for robots or did Dr. Kenny forget he buys ammo at Pottery Barn?

gellaho

Would love to know why drowning in water is impossible

Badgerman

Since you have seen me I must terminate your functioning as well 🤓

FancyShark

Fish lady

Badgerman

Cybergills

Which will never be mentioned or addressed

FancyShark

Worked in Warframe

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Just like in Deus Ex, she can breathe water but by the time she got the upgrade it was useless.

Badgerman

Worked for that one Green Lantern

Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child

I like how Tey is mentally communicating with herself but also in response to the Narrator

FancyShark

Worked for Krang

Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child

She is a fish woman who broken the 4th wall

Badgerman

Worked for Cory

Well. He was more of a spore colony

gellaho

Kenneth has a policy of just naming characters after things he likes

Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child

1 paragraph in and she immediately a way more interesting character than Galen

Badgerman

To be fair who doesn't like Jeff Goldblum

gellaho

But it doesn't really work when you follow Tey Varro, Suo Hann, Lin Manna, and Kei Dakki with "Uri Goldblum"

1000 Space GDCs

Or Uri Geller?

Badgerman

Fuck, scooped me

gellaho

Or when you name your wealthy family Voorhees

Spare The Wad, Spoil The Child

The author needed a name for an unsavory character willing to betray people to get ahead... so he picked the name "Jewy Jewison"

His editors probably helped him dial it back a bit