80: The Pale Companion Kenneth Von Gunden

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Shit this is layers of fucked up.

1000 Space GDCs

Hanks is like that one boss from Wolfenstein

FancyShark

Instincts save lives. That's important to point out.

Badgerman

Can we start a letter writing campaign to get Penn State to revoke this dude's certification?

godless juice jakesy

Wait hold on I got one: "what are you doing, step mother? AIEEEEEEE"

gellaho

After much fighting, the boys arrive at the cyborg lab

gellaho

Certainly the worst thing to ever happen at Penn State

FancyShark

I'm glad Thomas didn't recently read Uncle Tom's Cabin

1000 Space GDCs

Sweet reference, doc

gellaho

Who roodied your kazoo?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Dr. Kenny writes a character who's read a book Dr Kenny didn't.

LyraV

Someone tell Baldrick there's a man sized Turnip!

FancyShark

Sorry. Weird day.

gellaho

Well, good to know that Sam's strange utterances are effective

Badgerman

Roodie-Kazooie was that one Rare game, right?

gellaho

If you were wondering, the last 12 pages is where the duplicate cyborgs show up

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Also it's kinda hard to believe an indentured laborer on an industrial hell planet has read a book that old.

Badgerman

God, just fight already

FancyShark

Please let the fight be one shoots the other

Do it, Kenny

I dare you

gellaho

And now, after much murder, they solemnly kill robots

Badgerman

Hahaha that is so fucked

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I will find Dr Kenny if he does the "shoot the real imposter" thing.

gellaho

Oh, but, oopsie

godless juice jakesy

Hahahaha

Badgerman

They just fucking left

Just walked off

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Goddammit.

1000 Space GDCs

they ducked out of the weird murder ceremony and no one noticed

gellaho

Now it's a sci-fi haunted castle

godless juice jakesy

Sam coming in hot with the timely reference

FancyShark

With his trusty shrapnel gun

Badgerman

It's the ending of Tiger Claw 2

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Fuck has nobody in this universe written a book since the 20th century?

Badgerman

They're just gonna bumble around the spooky hallways until they find each other and one instagibs the other

FancyShark

You mean a literook?

gellaho

What is Alves' motive for all this? Eh, he's like crazy or something

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Did ......books stop happening and be replaced with holo porn?

1000 Space GDCs

no, with textcubes

gellaho

The classic entry square

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Or is it cos of the sex robots? I mean.....I get it.

Badgerman

Winchester: The House That Cyborgs Built

1000 Space GDCs

this guy has never heard of star trek doors

FancyShark

"In hindsight, maybe it was best that the mentally impaired woman died before she could marry the openly insane scientist"

Badgerman

Entry square

gellaho

Well, they did marry

godless juice jakesy

Wait if his wife is dead you know what that means he gets

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Yeah this door couldn't possibly like......sense your presence and open automatically. Let's keep this sci fi hard.

gellaho

That's where Galen's weird flashback happened! At the receiving line!

godless juice jakesy

THE INSURANCE MONEY

gellaho

Ah, the face off

FancyShark

IT'S ALWAYS THE INSURANCE MONEY!

"He kisses different"

LyraV

Galen knows the taste of the real Sams sweat

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"His earholes are dry."

gellaho

Meanwhile, Sam fights the Aunt-bot

FancyShark

Rocket launcher?! FUCK YEAH!

1000 Space GDCs

thanks, professor physics, things get driven back when they get hit

gellaho

No time to be a slug-a-bed

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Getting Wolfenstein up in here!

FancyShark

"I have a PhD"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

That's not how rockets work my guy.

But whatever.

FancyShark

Dr. Kenny invented rocket jumping

gellaho

Yeah, that seems unreasonable. Not like the psychic powers or your magic fairy friend

1000 Space GDCs

is a filecube the same as a textcube?

FancyShark

So you're saying he's Sam I Can't?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

This one is only compatible with JPEGs.

gellaho

If you are wondering about the other fake Sam, it tricked some dwarves then got cut in half by another dwarf

FancyShark

Filecube stores a textcube. Which in turn can be stored in a foldercube.

godless juice jakesy

Hey I found the Cloris!

Wait

gellaho

And if you were thinking that Clovis there would meet the real Sam and try to kill him because she thought he killed her friends

No, that would be like a sensible thing

FancyShark

And because of the cover

gellaho

Clovis is never heard from again

I guess she just leaves? Dunno

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Cloris; Heroine of the Rebellion

1000 Space GDCs

i guess there's nothing left after all her friends get round after round pumped into them

FancyShark

This book is a Dungeon Master's notes for different campaigns that someone thought was a story

Brendan

Maybe Golden Age Hollywood is like their shakespeare

gellaho

Anyway, Sam arrives

FancyShark

That's the name of the book!

Badgerman

I'm pretty sure this book killed my headset because it was working fine this morning and now it refuses to turn on

gellaho

There are still like 25 other dwarves, the master cyborg only killed three

Galen gets shot

godless juice jakesy

Lol

"Fuck me I've been shot!"

gellaho

Then the scientist shows up and stabs Alves

FancyShark

The first natural dialogue in the book

Brendan

Only respect for that.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Okay that's a pretty good response to being shot.

Brendan

Like the last thing you need in your day.

gellaho

Because I guess he isn't worried about getting his family back

LyraV

The vibroblade made his voice all wobbly before he died.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

His family is science now

godless juice jakesy

Wait are they all going to get made into cyborgs by Tom hanks here

gellaho

And the information about Sam's true identity, which has been teased the entire book?

FancyShark

No "knife to see you"? C'mon, Hanks

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Oh nooooo.

gellaho

And the robot fight with three pages left

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

That thing we don't care about. How could it beeeee?

Man you can't set up a cyborg double battle worse than this.

gellaho

Have fun with your search

godless juice jakesy

That's how it works when fighters are evenly matched- they just fight forever with neither one winning

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Fuck.

Man I hate being this prescient when it comes to shitty books

gellaho

Cut to: weeks later. Adrianna is back

FancyShark

hahaha, "Goodbye. I'm gonna die now." is also good

gellaho

BTW the only thing I didn't skip was Adrianna, so you can see this reunion was well earned

godless juice jakesy

Love, or "dat ass"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

She of the moist ear holes.

gellaho

Alfie is also an angel I guess

LyraV

He can't dissect your spinal column in a coma dear.

gellaho

Deep

gellaho

No, wait, dumb

godless juice jakesy

Oh no

FancyShark

Yes, love was truly what this was all about

godless juice jakesy

THE REAL MEANING OF LIFE WAS THE FRIENDS WE MADE ALONG THE WAY

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"They.....love me? What the hell for? One is my ex wife and the other my mind wiped cyber bud. I suck."

gellaho

The End

gellaho

The second most abrupt ending so far

FancyShark

Then the mininuke in Galen's chest exploded

gellaho

I don't think anything will top The New ATom's Bombshell, but this is a close second

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Don't love him enough to have not divorced him the first time tho.

godless juice jakesy

Lol

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Those fickle ostriches

godless juice jakesy

He woke up the end

gellaho

We have defeated The Pale Companion

1000 Space GDCs

But at what cost?

FancyShark

We did it!

Badgerman

Good god, what a battle

godless juice jakesy

Did Liefeld draw that cover

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Enjoy your time in the Cage, Pale Companion. You earned it.

LyraV

THAT was the end?! oh grapes this was a uniquely wonderful nightmare @gellaho thank you

FancyShark

Yes! Thank you, @gellaho !

gellaho

So concludes the 80th Edition of the Book Cage

FancyShark

Great riffing, everyone!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Guess I have some googling to do.

1000 Space GDCs

thanks everyone, that was awful

FancyShark

And sorry for being crabby

gellaho

May all your earlobes be moist

godless juice jakesy

Thanks I hated it

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Sometimes they pinch your fins. It's okay.

Badgerman

A book so repugnant it didn't even get the gellaho makeover at the very end

FancyShark

No, it did!

LyraV

haha excellent

Badgerman

Where? I must be blind, I'm not seeing it

FancyShark

The giant face in the background

godless juice jakesy

You gotta look hard but it's on the entire left side of the cover

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

That fuckin cover tho.

Talk about promises you don't intend to keep.

Brendan

It's good to be back aaaannnnd into fedex for noon deadline.

Badgerman

Oh my god it is

I didn't even notice. Well played

1000 Space GDCs

that was incredibly subtle

gellaho

I work in mysterious ways

Badgerman

Also I have ordered a new headset, for those of you who really needed closure on that

Pickup in store tomorrow so I won't miss any meat parties