gellaho
Anyway, she gives him a note
80: The Pale Companion Kenneth Von Gunden
Tags:
Sometimes, the enemy looks just like you...
Archive
Brendan
You appear fertile, human female. You have pleased Galen this day.
gellaho
Onto part 4
FancyShark
Every sexual encounter should end with the exchange of notes
Badgerman
Couldn't have just left a message cube in the mail, huh
Oh I do not want to know what this guy thinks about the concept of rebirth
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And everyone knows the most attractive part of the woman is the clavicle.
1000 Space GDCs
Galen looks at her like a butcher looking at cuts of meat
Brendan
Uh...I cop to that being my thing. Tarantino me if you must.
Shit, am I this author? FUCK!
FancyShark
That's where, if the baby's a preemee, you put it back
gellaho
We begin with a flashback to Sam's parents' murder suicide
Badgerman
Gotta give it more time to cook
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
We just got closer to being best friends.
gellaho
This is setup like we are going to learn the secrets to Sam's past before he became a robot
But this is really it besides his actual name
Brendan
I'm going to need to see your clavicles first.
gellaho
Sam goes through physical therapy, even though he is a robot
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Is......Sam a boybot? Did Galen build himself a Robin?!
FancyShark
Every child of murder-suicide parents grows up to tell terrible jokes
Badgerman
Its visage was elementary, dear Watson
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I hate so much of this.
gellaho
So then there's a long section where Alves gets married to Ghanee, and there is an attack on the underground compound
But Sam just murders all the mercenaries and they don't get away with anything
So it's kind of pointless
FancyShark
lol
1000 Space GDCs
the 'bot is an evangelical self-help holoist
LyraV
There is definitely an Alkaline Trio song about kissing the curve of someones clavicle.
Badgerman
A good clavicle can hit the spot every once in a while, I'll concede
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
It's really sad that this author couldn't even make a killer boybot mangling marauding mercenaries interesting enough to read
gellaho
But, before I skip over it entirely, have fun with this
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
NO.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Galen. NO.
gellaho
He has a murderous flashback to his mom dying, so he beats one to a pulp. But there is much more weird stuff later
godless juice jakesy
What are you doing step cousin?
FancyShark
MENTALLY IMPAIRED step cousin
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
NO. Galen! NO! BAD!
1000 Space GDCs
this fucking author
Brendan
Ghanne Tollersrud-Alves is a real "I fucked my cousin but in the privileged way" name.
Badgerman
Burn this fucking book, man. This is a crime on paperback
gellaho
Possibly before, but who knows
1000 Space GDCs
block.jpg
gellaho
It was caused by some kind of experimental medicine nobody tested
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
spritzes space hitman with water bottle
gellaho
Anyway, Part 5
LyraV
Yes please cleanse that bit from my brain part five, I'm sure it can only get better from here.
godless juice jakesy
Also this author for sure at some point was talking about his past to someone with a story like " so I was at my cousins getting a handjob like you guys know about" and just got horrified silence in return
Badgerman
Did this fucking guy really slip in the old "vaccines make you mentally impaired" song and dance again thinking nobody would notice
gellaho
So anyway, Alves kidnaps a scientist's family to get him to make him cyborgs
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Chapter Six: Enter the Fuckstrich!
gellaho
Turns out the ugly aunt is involved
Badgerman
There's enough wiggle room for that not to be the case but I don't trust this fucking guy
FancyShark
Allegedly
Brendan
Sci-fi is rife with libertarianism because sci-fi is "I'm smart but like...math is a pain in the neck, so I prefer to just make things work how I wish they would."
Badgerman
Oh naturally, physical beauty is a handy yardstick for moral purity
gellaho
Here's the aunt getting murdered
FancyShark
Holy shit, did we find plot?
gellaho
If you are wondering if we find out what is wrong with the cryo-sleepers, you should know that we don't
gellaho
Badgerman
Awesome. I'll stop holding my breath
Also, Frankenstein Monsters
Neither the monster nor the doctor, but the brand
gellaho
There's been a plot, but it's about Alves taking over the Voorhees business and is boring as sin
LyraV
Possibly, mayhap, perchance
FancyShark
Egads. Thank you for skipping it
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I'm thinking this media studies PhD didn't read Frankenstein either
Badgerman
He didn't read it, he studied it. It's like reading but smarter.
godless juice jakesy
Ackshully it's Frankenstein's monster, Frankenstein is the doctor
gellaho
Ah, I almost forgot about the police chief fighting his crazy cyborg
FancyShark
lol, dammit, scooped by @godless juice jakesy
gellaho
Also that cyborg's are supposed to have yellow eyes for some reason
Badgerman
Sure. Why not
gellaho
Oh, also that the police chief has psychic powers
FancyShark
hahaha
Sure. That might as well happen
Badgerman
Fucking
gellaho
godless juice jakesy
The REAL Hasham Fedlet
Badgerman
Put some tropes back, man. That's way too many.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I pronounce it like Frank en Steen anyway.
1000 Space GDCs
he can tell the loose cannon detective to turn in his badge and gun with his brain
gellaho
Seems like a flaw
FancyShark
The cyborg is trying to communicate something. But what?
Badgerman
"My Legend of Zelda boss weakspots! Nooooo!"
gellaho
Badgerman
Hate
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Ahhh my eyes! Why did I stand here and let you shoot my eyes?! My mecha hubris!
1000 Space GDCs
Come To Dadder is my favorite aphex twin song
LyraV
Please don't it's somehow worse than any other thing
godless juice jakesy
Lol come to dadder Jesus fuck can someone come melt my eyes so I don't have to ever read that again
gellaho
Keeping the brain seems like a real bad choice
FancyShark
Sinny?
SINNY?
gellaho
no idea
Badgerman
CinemaSinnys
FancyShark
I'm starting to think Dr. Kenny was lashing out at slang as a concept
1000 Space GDCs
it's like he's trying to mix technobabbble with clockwork orange slang
gellaho
Anyway, time for the environmentalism story to start
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Okay I can see how a total dingus would arrive at sinny but fuck you Dr Kenny.
Badgerman
Fucking of course
1000 Space GDCs
oh good, another plot
godless juice jakesy
He's for sure making me want to commit ultraviolence
gellaho
Except that Kenneth decided to make the environmental statement about a planet that is a literal hell hole
gellaho
I should say that Alves has factories on this planet and he's gone there to hide out or something
That's also where they are producing the cyborgs
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Fedalf just needs to use Panzer Kunst.
Badgerman
It's like Vince Russo wrote a sci fi novel. Every character, every idiom, every conceit is designed to throw off expectations and annoy the reader.
1000 Space GDCs
We get it, Doctor Kenneth, you have a doctorate.
gellaho
Sounds fine, who cares?
godless juice jakesy
Just having to read every persons name, which is Amodelleo Wurstkuche-Thingamabobbber, is enough to make me hate everything this author stands for
Badgerman
It really sounds like environmentalism is kind of a solved problem here
gellaho
Again, who gives a shit
FancyShark
For real, I would love to know there's a Planet Acheron and it's where all the cool shit comes from
1000 Space GDCs
Wait this is a 40k forge world
godless juice jakesy
And now let's talk trade maps and treaties!
gellaho
That's called "purchasing," Galen. I didn't bribe someone to get my house
gellaho
That can't possibly be true
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yup. Dr. Kenny had 6k points worth of Death Korps Imperial Guard minis in his study confirmed.
Badgerman
You have cyborgs that can do anything and you're still firing up CRISPR?
FancyShark
Genetically engineered Steves are more cost effective than a robot arm
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
It's easier for BOBs to frog blast the vent cores.
gellaho
Galen's personality is very consistent
FancyShark
Kiss
1000 Space GDCs
kiiiiiissssssss
FancyShark
KISS
Badgerman
"I love you like a mentally impaired teenage cousin" didn't quite have the same ring to it once it was on the page
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Kiss your boy bot!
gellaho
Now Galen is going to hypnotic death so they can pretend to be an asteroid
LyraV
Yeah it's time just go for it.
Brendan
This book is an entire season of Arrested Development
godless juice jakesy
I can't wait until the end of this book where it turns out the space travel thing at the beginning made him insane and this is all in his head
gellaho
This is how the human body works
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
While he's in a death trance, Sam messes with Galen's dick to pass the time.
Draws on it
Does puppet shows
FancyShark
Huh. It works. I stopped caring as soon as I read the phrase "rogue elephant ears"
1000 Space GDCs
in canada, a rogue elephant ear is a deep fried pastry in ketchup chip seasoning
FancyShark
Wait, his heart rate dropped THAT much?
gellaho
Certainly nobody noticed that
Badgerman
Thousands of metric tons
So they've started a tsunami
FancyShark
Literally hundreds of waters
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
All this seems unnecessary to infiltrate the anything goes industrial planet.
gellaho
He's gotta pretend to be dead to fool the censors! Because they don't have telescopes to see it's a spaceship. And the censors can't detect Sam's electronics for some reason
1000 Space GDCs
this is the intro to Subnautica.
Badgerman
Just drop out of hyperspace under the radar right before you hit the planet surface, 4head
FancyShark
Lucky them the planet of industrial waste still has oceans of water instead of radioactive sludge
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Or acid.
gellaho
Then they meet the dwarves
FancyShark
Cemetery dwarves!?
:sharkle:
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to coughs due to advanced lung cancer
FancyShark
A hist-holo, not a horror sinny
Badgerman
Ah shit I forgot to take my antihistholos today
gellaho
The reading part didn't make an impression on him
Badgerman
The sci fi fantasy dwarf is named… Stephen
FancyShark
It's not making an impression on us, either, Dr. Kenny
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Ken Burns Brain In A Robot Body made a hist-holo about Empyrean turd miners and won six space Oscars.
Badgerman
Sposcars, if you will
gellaho
And now they are freedom fighters
Badgerman
Hahaha what
FancyShark
Woo! Let's ruin galactic industry!
1000 Space GDCs
Okay, I'm on board with the dwarf liberation front
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Space Woodie Guthrie intensifies
Badgerman
DILF: Dwarf Industry Liberation Front
gellaho
Just dwarves, really gave up at this point
gellaho
Pick a lane, Galen
Badgerman
Your families live in your homes??? 👁️👄👁️
1000 Space GDCs
Welcome to Space Moria
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Galen are you a soft boi or not my guy?
gellaho
OK, so you don't like Dadder. But what about
Badgerman
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Mommerino.
FancyShark
Dadder and mommer are things that infants say when trying to form words
1000 Space GDCs
if you're not into the whole brevity thing
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Mominator.
Momifex Maximus.
gellaho
Do not worry about the Robot Wars
Badgerman
Also we were one letter off from POG brains
FancyShark
Dr. Kenny just running through the Sci Fi Buffet, taking one of each item, having a bite and tossing the rest over his shoulder
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Aw but robot wars are cool! Way better than anything happening here.
1000 Space GDCs
i can't believe discord has no good robot jox gifs
gellaho
Galen, professional assassin, does not believe that people are capable of this
Badgerman
You fucking injected a dude with a vaccine nuke
FancyShark
They're incredibly loyal. Now let's lead them in rebellion
godless juice jakesy
Yeah see but that was just a Poor
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
But no this isn't going to have Call-Me-Kenneth juicing meatbags in his mighty steel fists and yelling "BIG JOBS!'/" because Dr Kenny doesn't fuck.
gellaho
How dare Fedalf not know everything about an entire planet
godless juice jakesy
Doesn't count
Badgerman
Encyclopedia Cube was but one of many beta names before they settled on Brown
LyraV
Sick burn on Fedalf.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
This asshole just described Space Marines.
gellaho
So, anyway, the werewolves are a combination of wolfmen and humans, some kind of manwolfman
godless juice jakesy
Cool Ranch Doros
FancyShark
Spencer's Gifts branched out
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And now he's stealing from Rogue Trooper.
gellaho
They start quoting Shakespeare because that's never been done
1000 Space GDCs
you know quoting shakespeare is the sign of a smart person because the author did it
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
If they do the St Crispin's Day monologue I'm out.
Badgerman
Space Dwarf Stephen has perfect teeth despite his space indentured servitude in space Moria
FancyShark
Why does no ultra-greedy scifi company ever factor "insurrection" into whether something is cost effective? Is it because that movie sucked?
gellaho
Fuck off, Galen
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Space Moria has amazing dental plans.
1000 Space GDCs
the outlaw legal entities?
gellaho
This is very descriptive, I know exactly what they look like
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Outlaw but the space feds let it happen?
FancyShark
JUMPIN' JESUS!
Brendan
WEREMEN OF MARS
gellaho
He says that a couple of times
1000 Space GDCs
jimminy jillikers!
godless juice jakesy
I dunno I bet those werewolves don't fuck their slow cousins, who are the REAL monsters here?
gellaho
Fuck off, Galen
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
BY THE HOARY HOSTS OF HOGGOTH! THE EMPYREAN MAN-WOLVES ARE UPON US!
1000 Space GDCs
Galen Voorhees and the Werewolves from Mars
gellaho
Might as well steal some Star Trek terminology
Brendan
Sorry your planet can't get it up anymore.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Uhm......Dr Kenny? The fuck does Class M mean?
Meaty?
LyraV
damn it Brendan I almost spilled the bong that was too funny
gellaho
WHO FUCKING CARES
gellaho
You already said that the constant volcanic eruptions spew out toxic fumes anyway
FancyShark
We're never getting that cyborg fight, are we?
godless juice jakesy
Oh wait I get it, the planet is Earth!
Badgerman
When you said you were skipping a bunch of stuff I really thought this would be one of the shorter Book Cages
LyraV
I swear if Space Whales start sailing in on weird symbols I'm out.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Dr Kenny is a tedious fuck. That guy who encouraged him should be shot.
gellaho
So anyway, they enter some tunnels to get to the factory
Brendan
You maniacs! You plasticked it up!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
With a nail gun.
Brendan
AHHH GoddamnoualltoHELL
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Modified to fire dildos.
Hot ones
Made of glass.
gellaho
Alves gets an information cube about Sam's previous life from a mysterious information broker
FancyShark
Don't tell Keiko
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Information cube is a hell of a way to describe a cardboard box with files in it.
gellaho
If you think that's vague and convenient, well
FancyShark
Boswash means Boston/Washington, doesn't it?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Boswash sounds like an old timey expression.
FancyShark
DOESN'T IT
godless juice jakesy
Penetrating
Sucking
Brendan
A common mistake, but it's all boswash.
godless juice jakesy
Ingratiating herself
gellaho
So the rebels fight some robots and some dims
LyraV
If a dude told me he had a 'remarkable talent for penetrating business' I would assume it had something to do with his penis. I could be wrong.
Badgerman
Yadda yadda yadda, huge class uprising
You know how it is
FancyShark
I mean, if a dude doesn't try that line at least once, can he really say he's lived?
gellaho
Alves gets a cyborg made of Ghannee's mother. It's a very subtle robot
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
This is like that movie where a dude had to fight his evil twin, but made by Hallmark and the writer forgot the premise because they took too many benzos.
godless juice jakesy
Which of the dozen Ghaneees is this
gellaho
It doesn't exactly go well
gellaho
FancyShark
What large plot holes you have, Grandmother
Badgerman
Ahh, the learning disability helps her spot the impostor mommer
FancyShark
hmm, that came out dirtier than I meant
LyraV
There's nothing wrong with being into plot holes, it's kind of why we're all here in a way.
gellaho
Then the robot goes crazy and well
Badgerman
When did Tom Hanks get here
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Watch these GMILFs go wild on each other's plot holes!"
FancyShark
A robot is pummeling a mentally impaired woman. Thank you, Dr. Kenny.
LyraV
This escalated quickly.
gellaho
The normal scientist reacts most humanly to this tragedy
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
This is the worst chapter of Battle Angel Alita ever.
Badgerman
Man this book sucks
1000 Space GDCs
My Grandma The Cyborg
FancyShark
Jesus, the robot murdered the mentally impaired woman
gellaho
Then Hanks ninja throws a syringe to escape
godless juice jakesy
You really fucked the pooch on this one, Castaway!