83: Spy High: Mission One A. J. Butcher

Ramb$ne Gracie

she went to the Belisario school of hacking

CaptainBadguy

The screen was screaming " ESC esc esc!"

gellaho

Soon, millions of snake-fish will emerge from the sea to threaten human civilization

18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL

Bill Gates and Steve Jobs call this porn

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Harmlessly" until they discover the race of mutant fish.

18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL

They call them eels

CaptainBadguy

Cally reared it up, through her Bluetooth connection and yaaaaaaaaaaaaawn

Badgerman

And then the gene gas turned to sludge in the seawater and washed ashore, causing untold ecological devastation

CaptainBadguy

I'm rooting for the gas to make a comeback.

18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL

That was so suspenseful, my heart was in my throat

Oh, that's not my heart

gellaho

Really using that thesaurus to its full extent

Ramb$ne Gracie

hugs mean teams

Badgerman

Oh so he did have a first name

FancyShark

"But it's book one, so probably not a team for real yet"

18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL

The power was inside us all along

And the missile too

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Maybe the real manimal hydra monster was the friends we made along the way.

Badgerman

Mostly the missile if we're being honest

CaptainBadguy

And the gasssssss

The inert gasssssss

18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL

That missile was a virgin so it was so excited at a woman's touch, it vroomed out of contro

gellaho

Eddie's fine. Don't worry about how. AJ didn't.

Badgerman

I don't think you get to call yourselves truly a team at last when only two out of five of you contributed anything to this success

FancyShark

Meanwhile, The One Called Dan's wife, The One Called Nicole, is wondering when he's going to come home

18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL

I hope sssssssnake girl issssssss ok

gellaho

And now, back to Fat Hitler

Brendan

Cally has tried everything with Jake except telling him how she feels.

Stromfeld has never met them in reality.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

The One Called Billy wonders if his father will ever tell him he loves him.

CaptainBadguy

Are plans disturbed, as a verb?

FancyShark

The One Called Woofles is content chasing a rabbit

CaptainBadguy

My plans were resting.

gellaho

Scratch that. No longer fat. And shrinking?

18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL

Impudent puppies?

gellaho

I'm not really sure what's happening there

FancyShark

What a world

What a world

gellaho

Other than them bullying a hologram of No-Longer-Fat Hitler

CaptainBadguy

One pill makes you larger ...

18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL

You're not thinking, you swallow…

CaptainBadguy

Confidence literally shrinks your enemies

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

This is how teens show off their new team bonds, by bullying virtual nazis.

FancyShark

Did they really think Cally was bluffing about not liking Hitler?

Badgerman

If only

gellaho

I mean, if he was shrinking, he'd still be fat

18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL

Team…bond team…

CaptainBadguy

What the fuggke is happening

gellaho

It would be weird if shrink rays made you thin and then tiny

Badgerman

"You didn't think about ME! I mean bond team! But mostly me! It's all about ME!"

Fuck you, Ben.

CaptainBadguy

Did I fall asleep?

FancyShark

Their training is old episodes of Super Friends

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Wait no, Stromfeld. I take it back, that plan is stupid."

gellaho

I think AJ is getting off on this now

CaptainBadguy

Did they jump cut to " Haha your plan to shrink ray the earth is foiled"

gellaho

This is what you get for missing part one

CaptainBadguy

I'll bet.

That's a hell of a call back.

Brendan

Jen gets the most cringe-inducing one-liners and delivers them with vehement hatred.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

They can never succeed against the Rock and Roll Space Bandits.

18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL

Um, how did she turn back from being a sssssnake?

gellaho

Hey look, turns out it's seasonally appropriate

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Hahahaha that Eddie. Such a hilarious pervert."

18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL

Ah nothing like Yuletide sexual harassment

FancyShark

And now they lose the inter-house competition because Dumbledore fucks all the other houses over and gives Harry Potter a billion extra points

18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL

With bonus demerits for being trans

Screw you Rowling

gellaho

I'll never understand why sci-fi authors think people will forget cultural touchstones immediately

FancyShark

Eddie's cause of death is going to be "internal rupture caused by mistletoe driven up urethra"

18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL

His low voice was from beating his kids with a sack of oranges so they wouldn't outwardly bruise

gellaho

"Whoever will remember Bing Crosby" thought AJ, twenty years ago

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

The search engine magnate?

18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL

"Didn't Bing Crosby roofie a whole bunch of women?"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"No that was you, Eddie. Yesterday."

"Not that it did you any good, because it was lunch time and in broad daylight."

gellaho

I'm not sure AJ understands just how much of a villain Ben is

Badgerman

Can't someone just beat this little shit's face in before the book ends

gellaho

Like this is so weird

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I'd be flying high too on not being turned into a snake man.

Brendan

Great job. You all passed, except for Cally, who crushed a human being under her shoe and twisted, smearing his guts across the carpet, my God, he was no threat to you any longer.

Really more of a Jen move.

FancyShark

You haven't actually tried kissing him, Ben

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Why is he still the team leader? He's ass.

gellaho

You sure write Ben like I'm supposed to hate him, AJ

Brendan

Hasn't even TRIED smooching Jake, the beautiful boy he's always bickering with who ignores Cally's advances.

18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL

"Don't use them speaking sounds, use your tongue on me!"

Brendan

Ben gets everything he wants and no comeuppance.

FancyShark

And Will is dead and furry

18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL

I apologize but how did snake girl walk it off?

gellaho

Jake tries to get with the psychotic

FancyShark

She just stopped dreaming about being a snake

Badgerman

How does one hold a photograph like an egg

gellaho

Yeah, I certainly haven't looked at the wikipedia page and learned he remains the leader for five books

Badgerman

Like, you really gotta ball it up

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I reckon the whiff of gas just made them hallucinate or something?

Brendan

Maybe it's a critique of James Bond.

Maybe Ben is imperialism.

18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL

"Can you?"

"Stay in there and rot, you snarky witch!"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Jake's dad never told him "Don't stick your dick in crazy, or if you do, make sure its the fun kind and not the kind that will kill you in your sleep."

gellaho

Jake's head would never be the same

gellaho

And that's not even the worst thing!

Badgerman

He's a Domer, is the thing

FancyShark

So remember to lie to get laid, kids!

Ramb$ne Gracie

ok domer

gellaho

Cally has decided to make some real bad decisions

Badgerman

Oh, Cally. Honey. No

18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL

Oh Cally cally cally, see what murder does to people?

FancyShark

Oh jesus, Cally. You'd be in less trouble if you started cutting yourself

gellaho

I don't like this implication, AJ

Ramb$ne Gracie

can't believe they just described her getting pregnant

Badgerman

What an awful time for the morosexual gene to activate

Brendan

Ladies, never tell your man you only kissed him to make someone else jealous. It reflects poorly on you and also Eddie seems like a bitter spring of resentment burbles beneath his babbling humor.

FancyShark

Remember, girls: Second choice is always a safe option

gellaho

What isn't going to be good, AJ? What

18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL

Da sex

It is a true thing

Callously murder a man, sleep with another with bad b.o.

it tracks

gellaho

I think AJ forgot these idiots are fifteen

18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL

We need more PG, and a lot less 2 years after 13!!

Badgerman

Happens to all YA series eventually

FancyShark

"Now everyone raise your heroin needles in celebration!"

gellaho

Because it really seems like he thinks fiteen year olds get drunk at fancy soirées

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I never did at a FANCY soiree.

18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL

So wrong smh 🤦‍♂️

Badgerman

These dweebs are drinking fruit cocktails at best

FancyShark

Pah. As if we'd allow them in

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Yeah they are far too square for smuggled booze.

gellaho

We end with them telling their tutor to fuck off

Brendan

Also I've rechristened it BEN TEAM

gellaho

Brendan

Also Eddie is kicked out.

Badgerman

:FuckApe:

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"God these kids are dorks." thought their tutor."

Brendan

Also Jake has to call me Captain Radical. The rest of you call me Mr. Ben.

Hail CHAOS!

gellaho

And the last fifteen pages is a preview of the next one

Badgerman

Oh god, it's still going

FancyShark

"You all get a C- for not saving the One Called Dan and for bringing back Will in a bucket."

Brendan

The book is shrinking!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

15 pages of AJ begging Games Workshop to consider letting him write for the Black Library.

gellaho

"And everybody clapped!"

Brendan

They get back, a tattered melange of half snake-bat-men, and Morita's, like "What? NO you were supposed to save the rednecks! That was such an obvious mission parameter!"

Red Dead Redempben

gellaho

We have defeated Spy High: Mission One

FancyShark

We did it!

Brendan

Does that count as their second mission failure?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Huzzah the sweet nectar of triumph!

18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL

Congratulations to us all!!

FancyShark

Great work everyone!

Badgerman

Good grief that was a slog. Well fought, all

gellaho

Thus concludes the 83rd edition of the Book Cage

gellaho

May all of your fingers be wormlike

FancyShark

Thank you, @gellaho !

And if I don't hear from any of you before Tuesday, Merry Benmas to you!

Badgerman

Oh shit, I just noticed the actual Book Cage

Yeah, Photon deserves to be the one in there

FancyShark

Peter David still owes us an explanation for the final book

gellaho

Great news!

Brendan

Merry Benukkah to you all, and benny thanks to @gellaho

Brendan

I'll give them this, cover design is cool.

gellaho

I don't know about Warped Tour Two-Face, but sure

Badgerman

Cheronian Michael Myers

18-H.D. Uncle TommyG ❤ You ALL

Thank you very much again @gellaho , you nascent freaking awesome legend!