83: Spy High: Mission One A. J. Butcher

Badgerman

Deservedly so

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

He WANTS to be Jake but he is an Eddie.

Brendan

AJ Butcher: Word-Butcher.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

THE ANTI BROCKWAY!

Brendan

This was a fun book. It's got ideas but not plans.

Damned ETERNALS

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

It would make a decent direct to VHS movie for kids.

FancyShark

Yeah. It has enough stuff to latch onto to riff without being a horrible mess

Badgerman

I can relate tbh, but only grudgingly

It's not terrible, true, but it could really have used another pair of eyes to iron out the kinks

(pun intended? I think?)

anyway I'm gonna join the amogus in doomed wailing for a bit if y'all need me, good book wrangling, gang!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Teen Sausage would have read this and thought "S'alright."

FancyShark

@gellaho , what are the plans for book reads around the holidays? Is there one happening on the 23rd?

Later, @Badgerman !

FancyShark

Asking just because I'm going to end up missing next week's read and if there's one on the 23rd, I'll miss that one too

Regardless, have a good night, everyone! See you tomorrow!

gellaho

Spoiler alert for next time

Brendan

Actually Averill is the doctor. Ben is the monster.

Thank you for your hard work, Jelly Ho.

gellaho

The Book Cage - Episode 83 Cont'd Spy High: Mission One Part 2

This week we will begin Part 2 of Spy High, featuring 6 of the most hateable characters I've ever seen. Reminder: rich asshole, simmering rage monster, annoying class clown, rich asshole's girlfriend, homeless hacker, and martial artist. How will these terrible teens defeat the newly arrived plot? How much weirder will l A. J. Butcher get? How did this series have so many sequels? Find out the answers to some of these questions, Friday 5pm eastern.

gellaho

Badgerman

Oh my god there's a character and a book later in the series titled Agent Orange

A.J. no

EvilJ(Naboo had it coming)

I read that book as a kid. It was in our school library.

At the time I thought it was weird

gellaho

It has the same level of sexual pranks as you might expect in an 80s movie

gellaho

A little under an hour until Spy High: Mission One Part 2

gellaho

As a reminder, here's where we were

gellaho

And obviously no preview, so here's where we will be

Badgerman

"We feel that your central problem at this time […] is one of teamwork"

Brendan

ALRIGHT LET'S SPY ON SOME TEENS WAIT NO DON'T

gellaho

Time to continue the process

FancyShark

I can't wait to see how Eddie will earn our hatred today

Badgerman

Sneaky Karate Pose!

gellaho

Hope you paid attention to the weird news reports from last time. Or you'll have no idea what the Wildscape is.

gellaho

I certainly don't

Brendan

This book missed the gloriously stupid and impractical YA window meant for it by like five years.

Badgerman

Just buy a fucking playboy at the gas station on the way out to the woods, Eddie. Jesus

gellaho

There are like a dozen books in this series, so I don't think he's hurting

FancyShark

They're really pushing the budget just to murder these children

gellaho

You can't have your karate desert until you finish your camping, young lady!

Badgerman

Mr Korita, no relation to Pat Mortia

FancyShark

As an Asian, Jennifer only feels shame when lectured about doing the same shit the rich kid has been doing this whole time

Brendan

Miss three days of martial arts and you go back to white belt, that's basic crane knowledge.

Ramb$ne Gracie

Korita - Karate Morita

gellaho

Surprise danger party

Badgerman

Karate was truly changed forever when it switched to predatory FOMO pricing models

gellaho

That's how spying works, you just send them out there without any information and hope for the best

Badgerman

God I hope the shock is that they buried Semtex under their sleeping bags.

FancyShark

Grant mused over the countless people he'd sent to their deaths before deciding he wanted to send more

Badgerman

In respect to the source material they did this to Bond all the time and he turned out fine

gellaho

This is how fifteen year olds talk, sure

FancyShark

Jake was toying with being a Native American stereotype

Badgerman

Holden Caulfield provided script notes for this scene

FancyShark

Let's not forget "the domes" covered what? Ten miles?

Badgerman

The domessss

We hates thems so

gellaho

No, it doesn't make sense, Ben. If they had to dome the entirety of the Midwest why would this land be fine by doing nothing

gellaho

Yeah, the entirety of the Midwest. According to a British schoolteacher

FancyShark

"The Wildscape" is what Rob Liefeld calls his chest hair

His single chest hair

Badgerman

"A landscape that's wild: The ~Wildscape~"

We fucking get it, AJ, you're very clever

gellaho

Meanwhile, Cally resumes creeping on Jake

Badgerman

Also, "completely untouched by mankind" except for when we want to go camping I guess?

FancyShark

Completely untouched by human genitals. Wait, no, we can't back that up

Cally is going to wear Jake like a skinsuit

gellaho

A series of the most obvious statements ever recorded

gellaho

Just in case you forgot what water was

FancyShark

If it's liquid, it's not ice, Eddie

Ozzie

You can tell he's an educator first.

Badgerman

Jake was later bedridden and racked with pain as the festering microbes within the untreated water he drank tore him apart from the inside out

Ozzie

He's basically British Michael Crichton.

Badgerman

I don't think we get to make claims like that until some apes get lasered

gellaho

I forgot to mention how much I hate these question marks

Badgerman

Heartbreaking: The Worst Character You Know Just Made a Great Point

FancyShark

AJ thinks he can misquote WC Fields now

"I don't drink water. Fish fuck in it."

Ozzie

It looks more like the IPA symbol for a glottal stop.

gellaho

Suddenly, hunters appear

Badgerman

"Untouched by mankind" my ass

FancyShark

"Check" jackets, because orange is a myth in the future

gellaho

The lasers are heat-seeking? What?

Badgerman

Hahaha Dan saw a child he could get away with murdering and fucking went for it

gellaho

Also: the hat matched his beard

FancyShark

Holy shit, maybe they are in the Midwest

gellaho

WHATEVER THAT MEANS

Badgerman

"Traditional" weapons, like bolt action rifles

FancyShark

It means earflaps on both

Badgerman

"Ben knew that blood sports were permitted"

gellaho

But, what's your real name?

Badgerman

So are they running kumites out her or what

gellaho

Ben is very into PETA

Badgerman

Nathan Pardew was Jason Pargin's first draft at a nom de plume, I think

"mebbe"

FancyShark

You kids are spies in the middle of the wilderness. Bury this motherfucker

gellaho

When you put a question mark, it makes it seem like an actual question

Badgerman

Haha "control post"? Did they wander onto a Counter Strike map or something?

FancyShark

Ten miles west untouched by man

wait, that didn't come out right

gellaho

The author temporarily forgets Ben and Jake's blood feud

FancyShark

I hear wedding bells!

Badgerman

Cally sharpening her buck knife offscreen

FancyShark

That night, dinner had a distinct Ben flavor

gellaho

I guess AJ didn't expect people to pay attention to the news reports

Badgerman

mebbe mebbe mebbe mebbe mebbe

FancyShark

Yeehaw, I shore am a Midwestern resident person

gellaho

Because they did mention hunters going missing in the Wildscape. But, if you remembered that the hunters acting menacing for no reason wouldn't make any sense

Like how it doesn't make any sense right now

Badgerman

They prefer to be called the AIMS team, Eddie

FancyShark

If the AIMS team shows up here, this book will redeem itself

Ozzie

I get that "mebbe" is supposed to be country or cowboy or whatever but it always comes out Jamaican in my head.

Brendan

I don't know about you bigfoot hunters, but if I mildly insulted a woman and then BOTH her friends restrained her shoulders simultaneously I would fuck no further.

FancyShark

I end up reading it like a stutter

Badgerman

Mebbe he's born with it. Mebbe funetik aksents in dialogue suck ass

FancyShark

Sadly, I think I'd try to chat her up more

gellaho

AJ's only reference for hunters is old reruns of Hee-Haw

FancyShark

Holy crap, ARE we getting the AIMS team?!

LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)

I keep reading Pardew like he's Todd from Code Monkeys.

Badgerman

They're even doing the "recapping things they just said" schtick!

gellaho

I don't even know where to start with this dialog

FancyShark

Yes, Cally. Bearded, heavily armed lunatics in the woods can only mean Bigfoot or the IRS

gellaho

Fuck off

mackmiserable

oh man me and the boys are always talking about how things put other things to shame.

FancyShark

Wait, but @gellaho , think about it dude

Badgerman

I mean… in this server especially, yeah, kind of

FancyShark

Isn't man, like, the REAL real monster?

Brendan

Where's the lie

gellaho

maaaaaaaaaaaannnnn

Badgerman

maaaaaaaaaan

FancyShark

The subtext is that AJ is a hack

Badgerman

Oh shit, for real this time

gellaho

This is called foreshadowing, kids

Ozzie

"the Frankenstein Monster"

Badgerman

Actually, Frankenstein Monster was the doctor, you're thinking of Frankenstein Monster's Frankenstein Monster

FancyShark

Just then, a van carrying four teens and a talking dog pulled up

Brendan

That's the premise of my new sci-fi series ARTICULATE DEMONS: INITIATION -- Book 1 of the Hominicides Conspiracy Cycle

Brendan

This is like Book ONE right?

gellaho

Hey, AJ, gross

Brendan

We're just traipsing into the woods to hunt Bigfoot before we even get to testthis world.

FancyShark

The lips belonged to a moose they'd skinned and eaten

Badgerman

I don't ever want to hear about Eddie moaning ever again, thanks

From what I know of him it can't mean anything good

Brendan

Lori's hand moved rhythmically beneath the blanket, probably cleaning Ben's gun for him, Eddie mused.

gellaho

Cally must have had a head injury offscreen

FancyShark

"Blanket. I should make a note."

gellaho

There are so many words missing from those sentences

FancyShark

There are sentences missing from those sentences

gellaho

Making out really reminded Lori of the girl scouts

FancyShark

"We got 'em," a voice shouted. The sting operation was a success. The Girl Scouts of America was shut down within a day.

gellaho

"Coming up for air?" Too much, AJ

Badgerman

Schoolteacher, by the way

gellaho

Anyway, Jennifer wants to murder

gellaho

Possibly because she's on fire

FancyShark

Stranded in the wilderness with someone who can't find an outlet for their homicidal impulses. Just like a real camping trip.

gellaho

Do you like similes? Metaphors? Here's 37

FancyShark

"Thermally treated" sounds like they set the clothes on fire

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Huh for a teen kung fu assassin Jennifer seems emotionally unstable.

gellaho

MORE SIMILES AND METAPHORS

FancyShark

She drew "PTSD" as her character template

"This forest reminds me of a grave. Or a piece of cloth."

gellaho

AJ REQUIRES MORE TO PLEASE THE GOD OF LITERARY DEVICES!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Oh shit..........its a RACCOON! FLEEE!"

FancyShark

"See, if I don't say it's like blood, words like 'clot' and 'congeal' could mean anything"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"We're trained to deal with TERRORISTS! Not medium woodland animals!"

Brendan

In the future there is only war. Girls train to be spies as scouts foremost. There, they learn the sapphic techniques that will extract enemy information. There, they bond with their comrades.

gellaho

A writer, like an English textbook

FancyShark

Then they were all eaten by a Shoggoth. The End.

gellaho

Stone Cold?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Shriek like shattering glass...........

FancyShark

It's a Dire Squirrel

gellaho

Huh?

FancyShark

Apparently they're in hell

gellaho

Brendan

You can't have a spring-heeled jack in your bigfootville!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Huh.

Giant devil bats, pretty cool.

FancyShark

Okay, I demand this book take five minutes to decide what the hell it's doing

gellaho

You know, I thought I hated the writing before. But, this is worse.

FancyShark

They're being attacked by Miscellaneous Monsters

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Its going to be really funny if this is another of their VR sims but the designers were just bored of terrorists and decided "Hey what if we feed the AI these Deadlands supplements?"

FancyShark

Or if these are the hunters in costumes

gellaho

This is like the last two Steele books written by the bad man

So many goddamned similes

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Its just one old man trying to scare people away from the abandoned gold mine.

Badgerman

Man, we're already reduced to Scooby Doo shit?

Brendan

Call of Duty: Zombie Nazis

Badgerman

Fuck you, AJ.

gellaho

Quivering, greasy flesh

FancyShark

These are mutant soldiers that have been out here since the end of the Great Mutant War

gellaho

For the kids

FancyShark

The rock was braced?

Badgerman

Jesus, he just has a gland problem, Lori. Chill out

FancyShark

Can rocks be that?

gellaho

"OK, so this should be easy then!"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Rocks have a rich inner life and experience the full range of emotions.

IN SPY HIGH!

Badgerman

"Keep away from the mouths" is always relevant advice for 15 year olds

Ozzie

This is one of the last things I thought was going to be happening in Spy High, but at least we're past the really horrifying part, the lip-merging.

gellaho

"These were forest circumstances"

FancyShark

Lucky them that these monsters can be fended off with punches and kicks

Badgerman

Bw-

What the fuck

Ozzie

I think Billy Blanks played Forest Circumstance.

Badgerman

What constitutes a "forest circumstance" exactly

gellaho

Sticking with kitana, are we?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

If only they had some kind of pointed and long piece of material, such as you would fashion from a large, plantlike organism.

FancyShark

The branch is sharp?

Badgerman

https://youtu.be/PU4lhLN1_tM

gellaho

Looks like the monsters rebooted

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I'm not a spy teen doing secret squirrel shit in the woods, but I'm almost certain a katana isnt used at all like a pointy stick.

FancyShark

Sweet imagery, at least

gellaho

Good thing these are kitanas then

Brendan

Forest circumstances forgives a lot of cannibalism

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Yess fellow teens, now fall upon them and devour their mutant flesh and gain their power!"

Badgerman

These were Donner circumstances

FancyShark

The next morning, they see the park ranger sign "Absolutely no camping in the Hellmouth"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Lori gets bat wings and echolocation.

Badgerman

God can this book be about that now instead

gellaho

The next morning, Lori decides to mommy Ben

gellaho

Because that's not weird

FancyShark

Gross love is the only love, apparently

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Ben forgot which leaves to wipe with and which to leave alone.

Badgerman

How about you just buy some new hands, rich boy. fuck you

Brendan

Ben is the snoot?

FancyShark

Yeah

Brendan

He's gonna learn humility now.

Badgerman

If you can't love him at his "poison oak hand numbness" then you don't deserve him at his "casually emotionally abusing you for slight mistakes"

Brendan

Lori's got herself a Benny and Vereddica

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Or how to jack off with his elbows.

gellaho

In case you hadn't noticed, Jennifer's got problems

Brendan

How is that different?

Badgerman

Jennifer let Khorne into her heart in that last fight

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

One of them isnt allowed in church.

Ozzie

There's no ending quotation mark, how much of that is her internal monologue spilling forth?

FancyShark

Jennifer kept narrating because AJ forgot the second quotation mark

dammit

Brendan

Jen's darkness is growing.

gellaho

"THE ONE CALLED DAN"

Badgerman

AND UNTO THIS WORLD, DAN

gellaho

You telling me the people with guns couldn't fight off the eyeless monsters?

Badgerman

DESTINED TO BEAR THE BORN TO HUNT HAT UPON A TROUB-BLED BROW

FancyShark

HEAR THE MOUNTAINS QUAKE AND THE RIVERS SING THE SONG OF DAN

gellaho

But these dipshits could with sticks?

These fifteen year olds

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

They can break a rifle in two but are vulnerable to teen spirit.

Badgerman

It's like how the US military always gets their shit pushed in by zombies

FancyShark

Bullets only cause the monsters to engorge

gellaho

This is a great relationship

Badgerman

Same

Already working on breaking Lori's will completely

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Huh this is one of Bens "Blind pig" moments where he's actually right about something.

gellaho

Really makes you think

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Huh turns out all those simulations where we died were trying to convey something after all.

FancyShark

Their parents are probably wondering how much fun they're having at school

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

To be fair, I would have loved becoming a kung fu assassin spy in school.

This would have seemed pretty rad to me.

So I dont see why Cally is bitching.

gellaho

Sure, that building entirely made from stone is not a control post, but is a lodge

Badgerman

They found the Fuhrerbunker!

FancyShark

Several chimneys. Like a lodge and not a factory

Badgerman

Now to plant the suitcase bomb under Hitler's desk just so…

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

You know. Lodges. Where they definitely have more than one fireplace.

Ozzie

I'm not necessarily opposed to boring things turning into Event Horizon midway through but this is just blowing my mind.

gellaho

I don't know who Cally is thinking about here

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Oh man if Ben sees the truth of reality and eats his own fingers that would rule.

gellaho

I suspect the author meant that she was madly rambling to herself

But you'd use "me" in that case

FancyShark

I feel the same way when I see a Furby

Ozzie

Y'know, those Midwest totem poles you see all the time.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Future teens really hate imitation Native American artifacts.

FancyShark

Every spy has to learn how to handle a wendigo

gellaho

What a great relationship

FancyShark

In his ridicule, Ben failed to notice the sea of bear traps until it was too late

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Hey what if they're waiting to ambush us?" might have been a better way to phrase that, Lori, but good idea.

Badgerman

If Cally is this thrown by a fucking statue she should have washed out of this spy business months ago

FancyShark

Cally thinks gumball machines are trying to read her thoughts

Badgerman

Like, surely they would have caught this before now