83: Spy High: Mission One A. J. Butcher

gellaho

The Book Cage Episode 83 - Spy High: Mission One

What do you get when you get a British author trying to write six American sophomores at a spy school in the future? That's right, a total mess! This particular mess is by one A.J. Butcher and you've got all your favorite teen archetypes: rich asshole, simmering rage monster, annoying class clown, rich asshole's girlfriend, homeless hacker, and martial artist. Are we supposed to like any of these characters? Who knows! Find out how these hormonal teenage psychopaths who all hate each other fight international crime this Friday, 5pm eastern.

gellaho

gellaho

I have read the first fifty pages of this ahead of time, and I have no idea who the audience is supposed to be. Presumably it is for young adults, but it is both too horny and weirdly violent

1000 Space GDCs

That cover art is so boring I can't even make fun of it. Except for the guy on the right.

Badgerman

@Hot Dognus

gellaho

You aren't excited by all the DNA in the sky?

Badgerman

love the dude clearly trying to escape this shithole school but he's doing crouching silhouette karate to try and style it out

godless juice jakesy

I'm cautiously optimistic that this will be the right kind of crazy

The generic WordArt on the cover is late-stage Hawkian

gellaho

Coming up on the hour, it's Spy High: Mission One. The book does not come with a preview so, uh, enjoy the copyright information?

gellaho

Maybe ponder the bizarre nature of this first paragraph.

Ozzie

It's so fascinating to get a look inside a weirdo's brain and see the logical connections they make.

"Obviously you would just figure they're brother and sister if you saw them, but they're super not."

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"No, this isnt setting up something weird. Trust me."

gellaho

That "far from it" is also super weird for what I believe are fifteen year olds

Badgerman

"None of those Luke and Leia jokes. We're heading that shit off at the pass."

Except… we're still talking about how fucking weird it is that you brought it up, author.

Badgerman

The hyperbolic superlative applied to something that is distinctly binary in nature sure was a choice

Badgerman

"He wasn't a certified public accountant. Far from it."

FancyShark

"The silver of their suits gleamed dully in the absence of moonlight"

LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)

I feel like there are way too many S's in that summary at the bottom.

gellaho

🎵 Let the Spy High, when it crumbles, we will stand tall and face it all together 🎵

Brendan

BOOK 'EM DANO GELLAHO

Brendan

Great, there go all the three-pointer jokes.

gellaho

Getting some "lip action"early

Badgerman

"Use plenty of lip and tongue action"

FancyShark

I'll be sporadically here for the first bit while work wraps up

Brendan

Maybe it's foreshadowing they were cloned to be the Ultimate Spies and Honeypots and Sir She Is 17 I Mean Really Now

FancyShark

"Throwing himself off a cliff. That's so Ben."

Badgerman

Haha are these children jumping to like 80% certain death

Brendan

That's not the lip action you think it is.

LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)

Why repress it whoop if there you feel it is.

Brendan

SIR: 17

FancyShark

Tell it to the judge, sicko

gellaho

Who is ready for an extended Looney Tunes metaphor made by a teen in 2060

gellaho

Brendan

SICK 'EM BOOKO

Badgerman

Tool-assisted slamming yourself into the side of the Cliffs of Dover any%

Well known spy technique

gellaho

This is how people talk, sure

gellaho

STROMFELD!

Badgerman

Stromfeld is such a fucking dollar general Bond villain name

Gotta get to the coreee

FancyShark

Petting his stuffed white cat

Badgerman

Except they couldn't find a white cat so it's mostly white but with a little orange here and the ere

FancyShark

And it's a plush toy

Badgerman

Build a Bear was running low

gellaho

Meanwhile: Jake Daly, humorless boy, and Jennifer Chen, violent psychopath, crawl through the sewers

Badgerman

Jake Daly: a name destined for spy craft

FancyShark

Hopefully this all ends the same way as that first mission in Mission Impossible

gellaho

Ass shot for the teens

FancyShark

"Imagine the teenager's ass, reader. This is not creepy."

gellaho

But no time for that, Jennifer's gotta kill

Badgerman

"She assed gluteously through the vent, shimmying almost erotically, this isn't weird because I pull a double standard immediately afterward with the idea of a teenage butt of the opposite sex"

LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)

It was Rather more explicit I must say oh my

FancyShark

I see Jennifer studied up on quips

Badgerman

Professor Bond taught her every one he knew

Also, grille

Ozzie

Almost certainly a literal course at Spy High

gellaho

Meanwhile: meet Eddie he's "funny"

☑️ Redhead

Badgerman

Love to have a character introduced with a full paragraph of bitching and no one else to break it up

LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)

Jeez lay off the Ocean, it's the source of all life and shit.

FancyShark

"Did you drink seawater? What the hell's the matter with you?"

Agent of Fortune

How's the book so far?

gellaho

Really laying all the cards on the table

Badgerman

That very teenage distaste for "shaky tides"

Cally!?!

I fucking knew she was too cool for those Hardy dorks

gellaho

And now, time to introduce the teens to ball torture

FancyShark

Eddie is a lot more endearing if you imagine he's Steve Buscemi in a red wig

Badgerman

Wait hold up, we're just straight up namedropping Bond references now. Getting all Jossy with it

gellaho

Do you see what I mean when I said I don't know who the audience for this is supposed to be?

FancyShark

Drooling?

Badgerman

Horndog adolescent dweebenheimers going through their spy phase and almost nobody else

FancyShark

Never mind what I said before. Eddie is clearly from a teen sex comedy

Badgerman

No one else would have this specific a pool of knowledge and horniness to narrowcast to

gellaho

Phutting sleepshot into bare cheeks

Agent of Fortune

Are they gonna have to change in the same room and it's gonna be awkward

Phut

Badgerman

Oh but when I call it that my hookups go badly

FancyShark

"Sleepshot" means "hollowpoint"

gellaho

Meanwhile: Ben and Lori have a great relationship

FancyShark

"One of these days, Lori..."

Badgerman

What kind of witty retort is that, that's just being blatantly misogynistic

Fucking do better Ben, you prick

Agent of Fortune

Stromfeld??? Did they literally just smash two Bond villain names together???

I probably got scooped on that

gellaho

Activate the belt-brain!

gellaho

Lori does seem like kind of a dipshit

Badgerman

What, no "bat-belt" reference?

gellaho

At least, that's what that last sentence tells me

FancyShark

Usually the brain is removed from the belt before the belt is allowed to be sold

Badgerman

"As delighted as if she were meeting an old friend" implies a lot of excited squealing that does not sound very stealthy

Wait ha ha what the fuck I'm just catching up to the fact he's projecting a hologram from his crotch

gellaho

Ben seems fun

Badgerman

It leaked back into his belt

Only the best grammar for Spy High

gellaho

"like water down a drain"

Badgerman

It leaked in, as if it were going down

Purest poesy

gellaho

I reiterate, Lori seems like kind of a dipshit

Brendan

Okay that was 25 minutes and counting of surprise dog custody. What happened after the cliff jump?

Badgerman

In fairness if my map was telling me one thing and the base directory was telling me another I would follow the directory too

FancyShark

So Ben is the "humorless professional". Lori is the "athletic airhead". Jennifer is the "psychopath/badass". Eddie is the "comic relief/pervert". Cally is presumably "the smart one". And Jake is probably the "default".

gellaho

Get me the most competitive and most hormonal sophmores you can find! Espionage!

Agent of Fortune

The villains name is a portmanteau of two of the most famous Bond villains

Brendan

Shark, you are such a Miranda. I'm an Eddie.

Badgerman

"How do you do, fellow crime goons?"

LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)

No actual lasers yet but the laser rifles might be promising.

FancyShark

"Welcome to my abode. I hope you weren't too rough on my guards. They have families."

Badgerman

Also, fucking laser rifles? Did they break into a fucking Brotherhood of Steel bunker?

gellaho

ACTIVATE RADAR VISION

Badgerman

Badgerman

Holy shit I have a use for this

Brendan

This feels like someone's James Bond Jr. script was unproduced when the show was canceled so they rolled it over to prose.

FancyShark

Switched to radar vision. Now they're all tiny dots

gellaho

Jennifer reenters her berserker rage

Badgerman

"The sensory overload from perceiving all sides of themselves at once instantly liquefied their minds"

FancyShark

Jennifer is clearly the Vasquez of this group. Meaning she's the best.

Badgerman

And will most assuredly die

gellaho

I would groan if I heard something like that too, anonymous voice

FancyShark

hahaha

Badgerman

Good thing chemical reactions inside the human body always occur the same way for the same reasons

FancyShark

"Check out this gunshow, Jake. You'll never have a license to it."

gellaho

Ah, just a guard getting murdered in his... tunic?

FancyShark

He was doing arts and crafts

Badgerman

Wardrobes by Star Trek hand me downs

LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)

That last line was verbatim from their unrecorded theme song 'It was difficult to creep up on a student of Spy High / Stromfield does all he can to help them get by ohhhh yeah'

FancyShark

Wait, no, I'm thinking of a smock

gellaho

ALARM TUNIC ACTIVATE

Badgerman

Alarm tunic was my favorite upgrade in Ocarina of Time

Brendan

Just some fun-loving teens shooting people in the face.

Agent of Fortune

🥅

Badgerman

THIS IS WHAT VIOLENT VIDEO GAMES DO TO OUR CHILDREN

FancyShark

Sam Fisher is watching all of this and regretting his life choices

gellaho

Eddie is exhausting. Hopefully large sections of this book aren't from his perspective

Agent of Fortune

I'm starting to doubt the wisdom of using high schoolers for top secret missions

FancyShark

@gellaho , your method of foreshadowing is very effective

Agent of Fortune

Is this Canadian?

Badgerman

Ahhh it's fine, if they fail we can always draft more

gellaho

And now, what a believe is a pegging joke

gellaho

You know, for the teens

FancyShark

hahahaha, wow

gellaho

Written by a British school teacher

Badgerman

I knew like three guys like this at high school and they were all exhausting

Ozzie

I think it's more a wish to be grappled and climbed on like a human ladder.

Badgerman

Probably verbatim transcriptions then

gellaho

And failure number 3

Badgerman

What, no "getting off" joke? You're slipping, Eddie

gellaho

It's a great plan to put two guys into the same team when they actively hate each other

FancyShark

Eddie taught Jake Busey everything he knows about humor

Brendan

Those idiots in logistics didn't even think to take the fastest route, Ben reasoned, as the floor gave way to a crocodile pit.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Just got in, have the teen spies been this much like an old vaudeville routine the whole time?

FancyShark

Mostly Eddie

gellaho

The Big Entrance.

FancyShark

His grimmest guards? Aw. That's kind of sad

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

It's very Teen Student Council PResident to be worrying about your future when you are facing possible execution.

gellaho

Meet Fat Hitler

Badgerman

Fucking Bond Team

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Fat Hitler's early albums were problematically good.

Badgerman

Eat a dick, ghostwriter

FancyShark

Fat Hitler and his roommate Skinny Musollini

gellaho

A little boy who loves pegging

Badgerman

Yeah, all his stuff after he moved to Graceland just never reached that same level

FancyShark

Fat Hitler sounds like Dr. Doom

Badgerman

And really, who doesn't

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Ive seen Eddie speak twice and I think he should be shot in the face.

FancyShark

Then you're caught up

gellaho

Pointing out the cliche makes it OK, right

Agent of Fortune

Woof

Badgerman

"Hey, check out this lampshade, amirite? Har har har"

Brendan

Eddie is the shitty animated sexual harassment version of Link from Zelda.

FancyShark

EXCUUUUUUUSE ME, FAT HITLER!

Agent of Fortune

Fat Hitler shaming is not okay

Brendan

I'm still trying to figure out which ones are the kickass Captain N version.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Really get in there and piss off your captor, that way he tortures you instead of just executing you." isnt the great spycraft advice you think it is, Spy High.

gellaho

Seems like this would have been useful earlier

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Also now I want to see Fat Hitler just hammering on Teen Daniel Craig's nuts with a knotted rope.

FancyShark

"Yes, some of us were wearing these while crawling through metal vents. So what?"

Brendan

Fuck me, they've got Nazis in 2060 too.

gellaho

Note how easily Cally hacks this first missile

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Yeah why wouldnt they?

FancyShark

Fucking called it

gellaho

The writing in this book is so weird

FancyShark

Bring it home, Jake. Be the blank slate you were born to be.

Ramb$ne Gracie

so like... this is basically just Kingsman, right?

FancyShark

Kingsman Babies. Princemen

Brendan

These 15-year-olds must prevent nuclear annihilation with five minutes to spare for their final exam.

gellaho

Well, she hacked that last one in under a minute, should be fine

Agent of Fortune

Strom felled

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Their version of M is just a HUGE woman in striped socks.

Brendan

Kingsmen is the most kickass movie series about suppressing everyone trying to save the world so the elites can maintain their kleptocracy.

FancyShark

Tension so thick, you could ignore this is chapter one

Brendan

This...is just OP stuff.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

AND anal sex with a Swede.

gellaho

And from outta nowhere, gutted Fat Hitler is back in the game

gellaho

Badgerman

For kids!

FancyShark

That's going to affect the final grade

If this whole thing isn't a test they're going through, this writer might not be a complete hack

Badgerman

I mean there's at least three full acts of book left so

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"You first." Ben says as he stomps the Nazi's throat.

gellaho

That starts a giant bomb within the room. Ben thinks it's a great idea to shoot it

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

To be fair its not a BAD idea to shoot a bomb.

Badgerman

"That class we had in bomb defusal, where they explicitly told me not to do this…"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Thats like 70% of modern EOD.

gellaho

This causes Cally to typo, and that's enough to completely fail on the last bomb

Badgerman

Generally you want to be a little farther away from it though

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Trifling details.

Badgerman

"Play with"? The fuck is up with this guy's diction

FancyShark

I guess Hiroshima was wiped out by Fat Finger

gellaho

The two dipshit fight over bomb diffusal

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Also never trust a Callie to hack, even if they spell their name different, the cloning process just turns their cortex to pudding.

gellaho

And dead

Brendan

I mean, you go to the north pole, all directions point south.

FancyShark

Hooray!

Now Eddie's in hell, where he belongs

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Well this book was short. I assume the rest is just technical manuals.

Badgerman

As blank and empty as the mind of Eddie

gellaho

Do you hear that, Mr Macho Man?

FancyShark

Great riffing, everyone!

aw

Brendan

Plant that flag, etc. But seriously, I know you kids have learned about some of the LOONIER sex practices from TV and movies and the Catholic molestation scandal, HI IT'S ME BILL O'FACTOR

Badgerman

Oh yeah, nerds love that shit

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Or the writer took some ques from Tolstoy and its all philosophy from here.

Agent of Fortune

Is this a test

Whomp whomp

FancyShark

OH YEAH

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

They Enders Gamed this fucker but its the first part.

Agent of Fortune

OH BOY WHAT A GREAT START

gellaho

Corporal Randolph Keene is on the scene

Badgerman

glances at collection of Star Wars technical manuals cluttering the floor in front of my book shelf

Don't ask me how I know this

LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)

@Brockway ruined me with music league, this man is fucking musical poet

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I'm almost certain there IS a patron saint of boxing.

Badgerman

They busted him down from Commander after the Second Gulf of Tonkin incident

FancyShark

Corporal Keene is also voiced by gellaho as Steele

gellaho

To add on to the audience confusion, this rapid repetition of synonyms is something I've only seen in children's books to help kids learn

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hahahaha they only rate a corporal? Not even worth a sergeant.

Badgerman

Must. Hit. Word. Count!!!

FancyShark

"We thought having a Burger King Kids Club attack a nazi would work so well!"

Brendan

Today the Spy Teens learned gutshot men can live for hours in agony.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Please tell me this is the part where it goes all Starship Troopers and Keene just fucking suplexes Eddie for interrupting and speaking out of turn.

gellaho

What a twist

FancyShark

"Trembled like cowardice"

Author was proud of that one

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Ohohoho they sent a poet!

Brendan

By my count they flubbed three nukes, two over metropolitan areas.

Badgerman

Holy shit it was Operation Anchorage all along

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

This is this motherfuckers "Baby Shoes For Sale, Never Worn."

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

So a solid C plus.

Dead Proxy: Downfall

"You failed. Totally. Completely. Utterly. Adverbially"

gellaho

Meanwhile, this fake failure has completely devastated Callie

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Corporal Keene knows some perfectly cromulent words.

gellaho

On to Chapter Two

And this is where it gets real weird

Brendan

Eddie's terrible in bed, confirmed.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

The funny teens usually are.

gellaho

He's fifteen, so I hope so

Badgerman

Don't expose us like that, man

gellaho

Figure this one out

gellaho

There's no context for that FYI

Brendan

If there's grass on the field, play nuclear football.

gellaho

Just "BEFORE..."

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Being funny is how you have the opportunity to get good.

gellaho

And then some hard to read text

These weird contextless sections are just going to start appearing for no goddamned reason

Brendan

Hahaha, look at these procrastinators.

FancyShark

So the author wrote his short story and now needs to provide context

Badgerman

Love a fake primary source document in the middle of my YA spy fiction

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Its impossible for me to read that font so I will assume its a recipe for blueberry muffins.

Brendan

If you want to make blueberry muffins from scratch you must first destroy the world and build it anew in the visions of a glorious fat Nazi man.