83: Spy High: Mission One A. J. Butcher

FancyShark

Have they explained why teenage spys are needed?

Brendan

"Surely Cally"

godless juice jakesy

That has to come into play sometime

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I love how most of these interpersonal issues could be solved by letting Ben fight his teammates as a group, and then letting them stomp him until they get tired.

FancyShark

Same with Eddie

CaptainBadguy

Eddie is a charmer

gellaho

Alright, I guess we're just going to do the same thing again

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Specialization. You gotta get em when they are young so they dont learn shit like "math" or "history" or "ethics"

FancyShark

ugh. Eddie is why HR exists

gellaho

This is the second time Eddie has been coerced into sexually charged shenanigans

Badgerman

I hope the next time Eddie pulls this trick he ends up a paraplegic

FancyShark

The best chance was from Jennifer. Lori's going to scare him somehow

Like go full yandere

CaptainBadguy

"Haha you didn't callously fly past me to win a pointless exercise, you want me"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Lori isnt quick on the uptake but she does learn. She'll have procured a knife by now.

gellaho

This is a great team

FancyShark

In other news, Zombies

Badgerman

Spy High!

CaptainBadguy

The news isn't really censored to any acceptable degree in this universe

gellaho

What in the actual fuck

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I get the feeling that 2060 has a really wild array of things going on that might be more interesting than these six dipshit kids.

Badgerman

:CyborGape:

FancyShark

Douglas Adams did it better, you fucking hack

Brendan

Musk 2060

CaptainBadguy

Cybereyes, watch out in traffic.

Badgerman

How can cybermirrors be real if our cybereyes aren't real 👁️ 👄 👁️

CaptainBadguy

Cybereyes, where are my fucking kids?

Cyber eyes, show me my cyber abs

FancyShark

Do cybereyes see electric sheep?

More importantly, do cybereyes use USB-C?

Badgerman

I wasn't ignoring the pedestrians crossing the street, officer, I was just using alternative eyes

CaptainBadguy

Cybereyes, you ugly ass word, why can I still see you?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

So at some point cyber eyes are going to have a problem where they register homeless people as some kind of kangaroo.

gellaho

Ben seems great

FancyShark

One bad firmware update and everyone sees their worst fear everywhere

CaptainBadguy

Who voted for fucking Ben.

Badgerman

Ben condescended to the whole team and they rewarded him for it because they're all spineless losers

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I like how Ben immediately discounts for Jake voting for himself.

FancyShark

They thought it was a lottery like Shirley Jackson described

CaptainBadguy

Grant said "Jake Daly" as though he had never said it before.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Also what is this shit, voting for team leader? Command structure is ass at this school, this is the future Liberals want.

CaptainBadguy

Like this "NaaaaaaaaJake Dalyeeeeeeer"

Badgerman

Legit, shouldn't Trent just be their handler?

gellaho

Just the best team

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Ja......ja.........jonk........Jork.......Jorge..........Jake........dayyyyyleeeee?"

Brendan

Some very succesful armies voted for whom they'd follow but only half of them were 15.

FancyShark

Yes, the tech nerd is the weakest link in a team that has a walking Class Action Lawsuit

Badgerman

Stopping just short of calling her street rat there

CaptainBadguy

I turn open mouthed a lot. People don't like it.

Brendan

Based Cally best Cally

gellaho

Gadge Newbolt

FancyShark

hahahahahaha

Badgerman

Why are Cally and Jake not our point of view characters, for real? They're the only ones at all likable or with any personality

Brendan

Strong leadership skills

FancyShark

Fuckin' Rescue Rangers simping writer

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Fuck yeah they have their own personal God Emperor.

Badgerman

Gadge Newbolt, professional corpse. How do you do

CaptainBadguy

Gadge Newbolt

gellaho

Seems like a terrible idea

CaptainBadguy

No pun was delivered

gellaho

You'll get Eddie, Lori, and Ben and you'll like it, young man!

FancyShark

"We lost four squads the day we passed out gloves"

Badgerman

Finger bombing my girl with my nitronails til she Newbolts

Brendan

finger bombs so you teens don't fool around

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Just dont forget which nails are bombs and which are poison. Also dont pick your nose."

FancyShark

"Stop caressing the keyboards, dammit!"

CaptainBadguy

A reference like a shooting star

gellaho

I'm not sure how the follicles are that different from the nails in that scenario

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Okay now line up for the foot crushing machine and the ham slicer, children."

Brendan

Eddie gets a cyanide testicle to burst if caught.

CaptainBadguy

Wait the what kind of nipples

Badgerman

"Detachable nipples that function like radio receivers" because somebody never stopped playing Come In Tokyo in bed

FancyShark

"We tolerate the man who made enough explosive body parts to marry a bomb"

CaptainBadguy

We just let this fucking maniac wander the halls. It's not like we do anything important here.

Badgerman

The secret to Pseudo People's success

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"So yeah we just let this old crazy asshole who makes weapons wander around the grounds. Lock your doors at night and sleep well!"

CaptainBadguy

Everyone is on the same page.

Brendan

Grant kidnapped some early entry ivy students, madetheir parents forget they ever existed, stripped their humanity into cyborg weapons, then trained these minors to kill.

gellaho

Eddie, round 3

FancyShark

Like glee club

CaptainBadguy

Except their training involves of them getting judo hurled, once.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Man I didnt have to shoo a creepy old scientist with dementia out from under the bed like a racoon at my old school."

Badgerman

And lest we forget, the wandering crazy inventor guy in question is about as old and structurally sound as Leatherface's grandpa

Brendan

Eddie needs to come to terms with whatever his sexuality really is.

FancyShark

I'm starting to think Eddie's real love is rejection

Badgerman

I really hope we never find out what happens when Eddie runs out of social coercements he can pull from his bag of tricks.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

It's cat fucker.

CaptainBadguy

I swear to god you would just give him a hand job to see what personality was being repressed

gellaho

And in comes creepy eavesdropper Ben

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

How has Eddie not been knifed yet?

FancyShark

Knife lessons are next week

gellaho

I do not care for this

CaptainBadguy

Lori is more in the game than Eddie.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Also Lori if you know whats good for you you will kill Ben right now and make it look like an accident.

Brendan

Behind them the city burns.

FancyShark

Ben is what happens when Eddie runs out of jokes

CaptainBadguy

This story has neither a protagonist or an antagonist.

gellaho

Later, we get the most 2003 reference possible

FancyShark

Story?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Just a swift jab to the back of his head to shut down his motor functions and then a shove at a corner of a desk and Ben has met with a "tragic" accident, Lori.

FancyShark

Timely, Eddie!

CaptainBadguy

Goodby Eddie? " You know, like the game show"

Brendan

Calling someone you eliminate the weakest link feels ardently British.

FancyShark

"Cally, let the bomb explode"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Eddie sucks so bad he watches 60 year old game shows.

I hate him so fucking much.

gellaho

Probably why they based an entire game show off that

CaptainBadguy

If a character watched 60 year old game shows, it would make me like them more.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Like imagine a 2020s teen boy who is obsessed with Hollywood Squares or something.

gellaho

Just look at that teamwork

Brendan

I, too, can do callbacks to relics of time gone by.

Badgerman

Yeah what a loser hahaha

flop sweat

FancyShark

"Do your job!" I guess Ben learned how to be a leader

Brendan

I mean...Shadoe

LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)

Stromfeld isn't Incorrect.

about that anyway

CaptainBadguy

Cally registered someone was defending her

Brendan

I don't think Ben is on a growth arc.

CaptainBadguy

So at least she's awake.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Oh shit maybe Eddie isnt so bad if he's going to make 2070's version of Traxx.

gellaho

And failure #2

CaptainBadguy

Is Ben the Hero?

Badgerman

I think the best he can hope for is mysteriously hand-severed murder victim at this point

Brendan

Remember when the Eternals burned an hour walking around reuniting characters for the bafflegab threat? AT LEAST THERE WAS A THREAT

FancyShark

I do not believe that is Eddie's "last quip", author

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Look thats the price you pay sometimes to give the public Art.

gellaho

Possibly failure #1, I'm not actually sure where this is in the timeline

CaptainBadguy

Cally probably shouldn't rely on "instantly being attuned" and read the manual.

gellaho

The accusing finger.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Team leaders that shout PTSD into their hackers might be VP material.

CaptainBadguy

Oh god the eternals. Scottish superman. I'm having seizures.

Badgerman

WITCH!?!?

CaptainBadguy

Almost techno wizard was his third attempt

FancyShark

Techno-witch sounds too badass for this book

Brendan

Mark Millar, save us!

Brendan

That's some Warren Ellis stuff.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

And all this to gloss over they are getting like a full realism death trap simulator run on them, which is kind of fucked up.

CaptainBadguy

"Gwan ye, I'm no fucking havin that" whoosh.

Brendan

Honestly, I'd back that version.

Badgerman

Can't somebody just rig Ben's simulator pod to give him a stroke or something

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

At least Fat Hitler is there to provide his brand of questionably ethical but musically impeccable beats.

FancyShark

Which still makes me think this author read Otherland and thought "that looks easy"

gellaho

Cally tries to leave, Jake convinces her to stay. Then, three files in a row

FancyShark

hahaha

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Yay another entire page that I literally cannot read because the FONT SUCKS FUCK YOU AUTHOR!

FancyShark

I know you meant it to mean "New England" in a future sense, author, but you didn't do your homework

gellaho

Agent Will Challis is a nineteen year old and the former leader of Bond team. I've skipped most of his stuff

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

The person who decided this font was good should have their fucking brain eaten by space worms.

Badgerman

"Welp, we lost another kid. Prep the cover story and the fake body and order up another of the putzes"

gellaho

Four full chapters of flashbacks

Brendan

Glimpse of your future, kids.

Badgerman

Hahaha fuck you AJ

FancyShark

"Now that you detest these characters to your very marrow, let's start the adventure!"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

lmao it really IS like Enders Game.

FancyShark

dangit, this is going to be a multi-session read, isn't it?

gellaho

Don't use the word "seductive," AJ

gellaho

Looking like it

FancyShark

Spy High still sounds like a Disney Channel production

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Im surprised none of their execs thought of it.

Brendan

Ben is every Ryan Philippe character.

FancyShark

Dang. Not complaining about doing this more, because this book is ripe for attacking. Just worried about missing a session

gellaho

Simon Macey put in one last thrust

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Lori you should consider dating Jennifer. She seems like less of a prick than Ben.

Badgerman

Sick burn from Simon tbh. Shame this book already has two villains

LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)

Lot of thrusting going on there.

gellaho

What a great leader

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Hey asshole, you wont remember a thing about how I taunted you, so hahahahah!"

Brendan

I can't wait to see this book punish Ben. Cally is our true leader.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I mean murder has got to be a regular thing at Spy High, right?

FancyShark

If they made a movie about Ben, it would be American Psycho

Badgerman

I hope Ben gets eaten by trap pirañas on his first big boy mission

Badgerman

gellaho

Very healthy relationship

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Like I can think of at least six people who wouldnt have made it to voting age if I had access to fingernail bombs and shit.

Brendan

Grant did not screen for empathy or collaboration.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Oh.....Lori. Honey. No.

FancyShark

He did screen for jokes, though

gellaho

Ben runs off to play

Badgerman

Where the fuck is grant during all of this anyway

FancyShark

Drinking

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

NINJA PROGRAM!

WHy do they have anything BESIDES the ninja program?!

Brendan

I think this teacher picked their six least favorite types of student and createda Good Place to show them why they suck.

Badgerman

Ninja Program would have been a much better book

gellaho

Ben's looking for a suicide by ninja

FancyShark

Frank Dux plods into the room and explains how awesome he is

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Man I wish my school had had a danger room with a ninja program.

Id have dressed out for PE way more.

Badgerman

Because merely self flagellating in your room isn't sci fi enough

Brendan

mean the author but I guess Grant too.

gellaho

He's being told by Deveraux to send Bond Team on a special mission to save the missing dude. For some reason

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Also the shock suits convieniently provide a method of controlling your students, but I dunno if the author will bring that up.

FancyShark

Seems like this hologym is one step away from being a porn pool

Brendan

It's called computer club.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

We didnt have that, we had this weird bunker out back with some fancy telecom equipment the students werent allowed to use.

Badgerman

Hahaha I just remembered that the chess club at my college just completely evaporated because one dude was so good at chess and so smug about it that he killed the fun of it for everyone and man if that ain't Ben

gellaho

Goes as well as can be expected

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Man that bunker was sweet. We got to use it when the standardized tests were being conducted.

LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)

I'm going to jump out for AmongUs but keep on with that kickass riffing

Badgerman

You fool! You have to beat Red Ninja by slipping him tainted drugs to test! Didn't you watch the movie?

FancyShark

Have fun, @LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree) ! Thanks for riffing with us!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Have fun!

Kill much!

gellaho

Meanwhile: Cally is horny for Jake

FancyShark

wait, holographic sleeves?

gellaho

And AJ really wants these teens to understand that

FancyShark

Good lord

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Oh god they are going to pair up Jennifer and Eddie and I will never forgive them.

gellaho

Meanwhile:

gellaho

I'm not sure AJ remembers that Jennifer exists

FancyShark

hahahahahaha, Ben's too proud to stop getting his ass kicked by a video game

gellaho

She has not been mentioned since the judo incident

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Ben is going to shock himself into a cabbage out of pride and im THERE FOR IT.

Badgerman

Do it Ben, electrocute yourself into a coma, no balls

FancyShark

I'm kind of glad? AJ forgot about Jennifer

The alternative is what Sausage said

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Also I would love to play Chiv with Ben and listen to him splutter and howl as he sucks ass.

Brendan

Ben's entire life is excited delirium.

gellaho

DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE SYMBOLISM

Brendan

It's the only drug he knows.

FancyShark

Ben is DSP

Brendan

Ben is just Archer minus jokes.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Theres still a slim chance Lori and Jennifer will hook up, if we just BELIEVE.

Its from 2003, girls kissing was hip!

FancyShark

Barry?

gellaho

People in the Midwest hate open spaces

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Fuck yeah we do.

gellaho

This implies that the domes are opaque

which makes no goddamned sense

FancyShark

This is true. There's nothing we hate more than fields

Brendan

Hips were also hip in 2003. We as a culture need to get back to celebrating hips and tummy fashions.

Badgerman

Fuck yeah, bring back midriffs

Brendan

How in the world 9/11 was raw, war was brewing, but we still had no idea how good we had it.

FancyShark

Best way to grow food is to block the sun

gellaho

Just in case you still haven't gotten Ben's whole deal

Badgerman

Oh just ben huh

Not the school

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Mushroom farms?

Brendan

Cally doesn't know if she's a Jr or not 😦

Badgerman

Hardy's Jr is still an ally though

FancyShark

Hey, Jake?

You are trained in killing

You can make Ben go away

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Just saying Jake. Eating the rich starts with you.

Be the change you want to see in the world.

gellaho

Ah, young love

FancyShark

We need a plot, Jake. Eddie isn't going to provide one. And the girls are being written by a nerd in 2003. It has to be you.

Brendan

Cally can hack anything except the human heart.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Welp, Jake. You've gotten Crazy Girlfriend 23b (Daddy Issues) and there's no getting off this train before the final stop.

gellaho

Little weird to break up with someone before you actually start dating, but you do you Cally

FancyShark

Jennifer can do that. She just needs an ax

Badgerman

Jennifer will use bare fists and brute force

Just fuckin' Kali Ma that shit

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Cally will be back. The author is too much of a hack to let her decide she doesnt need a boyfriend\daddy to boost her self esteem.

gellaho

Hey, look, the plot is about to start.

gellaho

Which makes it the perfect place to stop.

FancyShark

hahahaha

brilliant

gellaho

Next time:

Badgerman

AJ really Butchered his own book, huh

Same Book Time, Same Cage Channel

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"This William guy got old. Lost his edge. Now he's dead and we have to send six far less experienced kids to do an older teens job."

FancyShark

Thank you as always, @gellaho !

gellaho

Yeah, that's definitely not true

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

This one is especially interestingly bonkers.

Badgerman

Oh he definitely did not avoid any beatings

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Yeah I'm 100% sure AJ is a former Eddie.

FancyShark

He got beatings for being a nerdy little creep

yeah