85: Demon's Beach Nicole Davidson

Tags: The Year of Pain

Evil approaches...no one is safe.

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gellaho: The Book Cage Episode 85 Demon's Beach; This week we'll be doing something completely different. Just kidding. I said this year was about returning to pain, dillholes! We are going right back to Nicole Davidson/Kathryn Jensen/Kathryn Johnson with her series of dangerously horny teens. This time, were near my neck of the woods, Florida. One classroom's worth of teens from Ohio are heading down to a fake key to find treasure that just washed up on shore near their teacher's mother's house. What a coincidence! There's a spooky monster that causes the teens to act strangely...or something. They were already pretty stupid and strange to begin with. Join me this Friday, 5pm, when we encounter tropical treasure and key kreatures.
gellaho
Even Badger will be smashed: Hahaha I'm so fucking happy
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Sweet.
gellaho: Good luck finding anywhere in the Keys that's that far above sea level
FancyShark: "I'll get those meddling kids!" vowed the Prince of Lies
gellaho: This one is going to make me mad in particular because the kids are dumber and has clearly never been to the keys
FancyShark: Hell yes. Florida inside baseball from gellaho
gellaho: Fact #1: gold does not wash up on the beach
jakesy “the korf magician”: One thing we know for sure is they're known for their lime pies; And their parties, in the 70s
gellaho: Decided to look up White Key, which is where this supposedly takes place. There is a White Key in Florida; Only one teeny problem
gellaho: It's about four hours away from The Keys
jakesy “the korf magician”: Yeah but for $6.15 that's a steal
gellaho: Coming up on the hour, it's Demon's Beach. Here is the preview
FancyShark: She's new to ambushing, isn't she?
Even Badger will be smashed: ALONE… WITH A KILLER; so not alone, then
gellaho: Welcome to "Florida"
Brendan: And so it begins; ...again
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Time to kick literacy's ass.
FancyShark: I hope these characters do better on the SATs
gellaho: A being emerges from the gulf
Even Badger will be smashed: Fuckin' Wide Window ass cliff house, they hold that shit up with stilts?
GDC: "It's"
FancyShark: And he's immediately mowed down by a jet ski
gellaho: Seems like something teens would be in charge of, sure
Even Badger will be smashed: Nicole don't like iiiit~; Rock the sandbar!; Rock the sandbar!
FancyShark: There's a weirdo with a metal detector off to one side pulling his hair out in fury
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: SO when does Dr. Grant scare the shit out of one of these teens with a historical relic based gutting?
gellaho: Seems to have some kind of mystical emotional powers. I'm sure that will end up making sense
Even Badger will be smashed: Hahah we're two pages in and we're already at psychic pirate POV. This author rules
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: The speaker is Lobstor, the Spawn of the Deep. Joy enrages him.
FancyShark: Vow of vengeance or person remarking on their spoiled fridge contents?
GDC: Come on, there's gotta be a scimitar in all that pirate gold somewhere
gellaho: Definitely going to make sense in the end
GDC: or an old timey pistol
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: This Leatherhead autobiography is already getting weird.
Even Badger will be smashed: As he sinks beneath the shallow waves
gellaho: Life is just so hard, you guys
GDC: Max hates the past
Even Badger will be smashed: Well get a fucking typewriter then, dummy; Why the heck are you doing stenography work by hand?
gellaho: So exotic
FancyShark: Max looked up with disdain as her mother screamed again in the agony of childbirth.; "Drama queen," she thought.
GDC: Exotic by Ohio standards, anyway.
FancyShark: Ohio Exotic is 1% instead of Skim
Brendan: Max, some guys just don't respond to hand stuff.
gellaho: Flawless system
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Max you know you're allowed to quit, right? You can pursue other after school activities, its not mandatory. Also you're from Ohio, you werent getting into a school where that matters anyway.; Also your shorthand sucks if nobody but you can read it without guessing.
Even Badger will be smashed: You know you're allowed to bring your typewriter to the meeting, right max?
Brendan: Pullin' to love airport!
FancyShark: You've resigned to losing anything of value if you're letting teenagers excavate a lost galleon
Even Badger will be smashed: This just seems like an unnecessary complication
gellaho: I'm not sure why they need checks if it's being paid for, but sure
Brendan: Teenagers make great lifeguards and terrible treasure hunters, that's beach fact.
gellaho: Classic nerd, not knowing things
gellaho
FancyShark: "Why are we paying teenagers to do this? Because that ship is soaked in black market narcotics"
Even Badger will be smashed: Good old Fort Johnson
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: A modest hourly wage means they'll get a dollar an hour and all the boiled eggs they can eat, and all the lemonade they can get as long as they are brave enough to venture into The Wasp Shack.
FancyShark: Wasp lemons are the best lemons
Brendan: Typical teens ignoring the far greater archeological value of the galleon.
gellaho: Classic cheerleader stereotype: being in the archeology club and paying attention to teachers
Even Badger will be smashed: Buzzy lil shack!; BUZ-ZY LITTLE SHACK!
gellaho: ☑️ Redhead
FancyShark: "Nevertheless, Max made a note to dump pig blood on Wesley at the prom"
Even Badger will be smashed: Resistant to anesthetics and electricity! The killer will have to think creatively if he wants to get rid of this cheerleader
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Wesleys always get the short end of the stick but don't worry about him, Max. He's in line to be the next Dread Pirate Roberts.
gellaho: Nerdish goop
Even Badger will be smashed: :FuckApe:"Nerdish goop":FuckApe:
FancyShark: Garnier Fructese: For The Dork In Your Life
GDC: These are easily entertained kids
Even Badger will be smashed: Fellas is it nerdy to style your hair
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Jeez Max, describing his pomade as "Nerdish goop" doesnt make you very sympathetic either.
GDC: Unless Wesley made it himself
FancyShark: Only dorks care about their appearance
gellaho: Spending 8 weeks outside in the summer in Florida is certainly a choice
Brendan: Joke's on you, Barbara, that's Wesley's kink.
Even Badger will be smashed: "Endless beach" until the ocean levels rise, anyway
FancyShark: Eight weeks stealing artifacts while the locals watch sounds like the plan of an Indiana Jones villain
gellaho: Water pumps, baby
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Ohhhhh that's what the nerdish goop is! 🥛
Even Badger will be smashed: Or Indiana Jones
gellaho: High speed spider
Even Badger will be smashed: SPIDER IS APPROACHING AT ALARMING SPEEDS
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: High speed stealth bomb spider is pretty rad tho, MAX! Maybe you should be less of a shitty sister.
gellaho: "We are very boring siblings"
Even Badger will be smashed: Oh good, now I don't have to watch Encanto.
FancyShark: Rob has perfect pitch. I'm sure that will be useful when excavating a Spanish galleon
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Rob secretly HATES playing the piano, and wants to switch to a synthesizer. He's a huge Foreigner fan.
Even Badger will be smashed: In the third act he uses it to caulk the ship into being watertight and raise it out of the sea
GDC: When Rob thinks no one is looking he looks at a keytar catalog
gellaho: You know, the Vo-Tech
gellaho
Even Badger will be smashed: "Furtively" and "tossing" don't go together as logically as you think they do, Nicole
FancyShark: Barbara sounds like a mannequin that was set on fire
GDC: The shop class kids get carted around in a prison bus
gellaho: "Kids'll buy that one" - Kathryn
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Barbara has a sub, Barbara has a suuub!
FancyShark: "And naturally, no one has spotted the galleon because Florida is sparsely populated"
gellaho: "Just believe this story I wrote" - Kathryn
GDC: Mom is angrily out on the beach every day picking up pieces of eight and throwing them in the trash
FancyShark: "I'm not using you to commit fraud, children."
Even Badger will be smashed: If the manifest survived but the ship didn't, why didn't they just make the whole ship out of the manifest?
gellaho: And now, the nerd people like
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "ITS CALLED SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF, PHILISTINES!" - Kathryn, to her editor.
Even Badger will be smashed: Brodey the (mildly plump) Brain
FancyShark: Eye-hand coordination. That well-known phrase
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Alternate universe Chet.
Even Badger will be smashed: Wait hold the phone, this motherfucker just has a pocket computer?; The fuck are you still doing in high school, my man? Run your ass down to the patent office! Quit while you're ahead!
GDC: Sounds like he could do a lot better than ohio state
gellaho: And Zelda Chang, a create-a-character made randomly
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Her dad is from Kaifeng I guess, where they have a Jewish\Chinese enclave.
Even Badger will be smashed: "Representation is like meeting a quota, right? It can all be in one person as long as it's in there?" - Kathryn to her editor
FancyShark: Zelda "I think some character sheets were shuffled together" Chang
gellaho: And enviable breasts
FancyShark: Who doesn't envy breasts? They don't have to work
Even Badger will be smashed: I feel like either Max or Kathryn is projecting pretty hard here
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: And most people like breasts. Near universal popularity.
FancyShark: Lucy will definitely get murdered
Even Badger will be smashed: Oh shit, she's a McGill
gellaho: Just put some underage nude photography rumors in here
gellaho: For the kids
Even Badger will be smashed: Is this the nexus event that gets Bob Odenkirk from Better Call Saul to Nobody?
GDC: 'amateur photographer' is not the phrase i would use
Even Badger will be smashed: "He committed a federal felony and got the evidence published in a magazine"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Jeff Mason just wishes Lucy would forget ONCE to draw her curtains and is spreading rumors like a fuckass.
gellaho: Wesley is the Uberdork
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Brody should invent a machine to kick his ass.
Even Badger will be smashed: Haha Lucy definitely just checked out the class scrimblo and tried to style it out like she wasn't interested
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Man Wesley DID get the short end of the stick, he's not even smart enough to just be like "Well. That pencil is gone. Time to get another from MY POCKET PROTECTOR! Which I definitely have!"
gellaho: Yeah, really fucking wild
Even Badger will be smashed: THRILLS! CHILLS! SPILLS!
FancyShark: Then, when Lucy was distracted, Max crept up behind her and slit her throat like a total party animal
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Max.......you are made entirely of Wonder Bread.
gellaho: Oh, no, not corruption in the homecoming court! Is nothing sacred?!
Floygen: Dork reporting for duty, let's see those books
Even Badger will be smashed: I guarantee you no one in this high school except the ludicrously self absorbed gives a shit about homecoming court
FancyShark: The last time gossip spread in Ft. Johnson, it was about the Furgusons not sorting their recycling
Agent of Fortune: shit I forgot about this, what did I miss?
gellaho: Probably just be seeing clouds there
GDC: People might lose faith in the prom monarchy and revolt
FancyShark: Teenage drama and blandness
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "The right price" is a night of lesbian poetry and lovemaking and this is code to throw off the teacher
Even Badger will be smashed: If you're running a pay for play scheme over something as small as fucking homecoming, the only losers here are you and the people who actually give you money
Agent of Fortune: Sweet that's my favorite
Floygen: A spider web river would actually look fucking sick; No notes
gellaho: If they were chased by tax agents, it'd be because they didn't pay their taxes. Not because they wanted the artifacts
Floygen: Pictured: Mrs. D
Even Badger will be smashed: Oh because just the state of Florida is going to be upset that you're plundering a cultural landmark.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "Max. Learn the vital life skill of SHUT THE FUCK UP, NARC!"
GDC: "Not if you keep your mouth shut", replied the teacher
FancyShark: Just screaming out loud on an airplane about their graverobbing
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "The Man won't know if you keep your ham hole shut, Max."
gellaho: So, fun fact, this had already been solved by the time this book was written
gellaho
gellaho: There's a guy named Mel Fisher who pulled up a bunch of stuff out of a wrecked galleon. He's got a museum in Key West where they still sell stuff from it
Agent of Fortune: BUREAUCRACY
gellaho
Floygen: 'If you didn't get the hint by now, you're doing my tax brackets. Ta ta!'
Even Badger will be smashed: Who Plunders the Plunderers?
FancyShark: Archaeologists always appreciate people doing their work for them
GDC: Especially high school kids
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: SUCK IT, STATE ARCHEOLOGISTS! SCORE ONE FOR FREEDOM!; "Those artifacts belong in a private collection!"
Even Badger will be smashed: Salvors isn't even a word. Bonus fuck this guy
FancyShark: Kathryn has really stupid ideas of what teachers can do, especially given that she's a substitute
Even Badger will be smashed: All this has taught me is that we were right to distrust substitutes
gellaho: Listen, if they had hundreds of years to dig up this stuff; Max is disappointed that she has to be the secretary, even though that is her job
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Kathryn is one of those substitutes who, on her first day, was like "No I'm gonna do something FUN and interactive! THROW OUT YOUR TEXTBOOKS CHILDREN! ITS MAGIC MOTHERFUCKIN SCHOOLBUS DAYYYYYYY!" and then after that shit turns out to be tiresome just puts a VHS into a player and the class watches a movie.
FancyShark: Max has a very Ohio idea of how fun splashing in the surf can be
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Wesley you human chicken slurry bucket, who pushes their glasses with a knuckle and not the tip of their finger?!
gellaho: This gives me the distinct impression that Kathryn doesn't realize Spaniards are white
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "Mitch Diego" has big Latin Pool Boy energy for a name.
FancyShark: "Hi. I think you're foreign but attractive!"
gellaho: And his homely girlfriend
gellaho
Even Badger will be smashed: Buzz buzz, Mitch Diego
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "Hello, I am Mitch Diego, boyfriend to your teachers niece and sexual tyrannosaurus."
GDC: "The Fort Johnson type" is an interesting euphemism for 'white'.
gellaho: Seems like a pleasant family
FancyShark: They're from Ohio, Mitch. They don't understand foreigny words like "si"
Brendan: I actually know a guy named Wei-San Tjong who had this background. His email handle was "Weibraham Tjongstein"
Floygen: She was a rather plain Jane, with her almost impossible supermodel physique and exuberant wardrobe
Even Badger will be smashed: Can't imagine why this dude wouldn't be chipper about sending high schoolers to drown at high tide for a little Spanish gold
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "Um fuck you, I can use whatever language I want, you hag. I dont give a fuck if my girlfriends aunt invited these assholes."
gellaho: Yes, Max they decided to build a highway that would flood. Because Florida is not known for being wet
Floygen: 'No, I was saying 'see,' and pointing towards the tide, you dicks'
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Mitch Diego doesnt NEED your approval Mrs. Dwyer.
gellaho: It's also not his house, so it's a real weird thing to say
FancyShark: Florida's infrastructure crumbles under Max's innocuous question
GDC: If it flooded every tide it would have taken twice as long to build
Floygen: The good old Clone Wars approach to dialogue padding
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Many MORE nonwhite people would have died building it.
gellaho: There are not cliffs
Even Badger will be smashed: The cliffs of Florida, much like the mountains of Illinois
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Ah yes, the famous Black Cliffs of Florida.; Florida, being famously possessed of a high altitude.
gellaho: Keys aren't that big, and there going to be spending a lot of time on the beach. How would there be both; Ignoring the fact that Florida is mostly limestone
GDC: Why were they worried about the tide if they're on a cliff?
FancyShark: I'm starting to think Kathryn confused Florida with Argentina
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Or possibly Britain.
Floygen: 'Tide' is just shorthand slang for 'typhoon' in their idiot circle
gellaho: You don't know what limestone is, do you Kathryn
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Soon one of the Ohio kids will ask "So you can see France from here, right?"
Even Badger will be smashed: This really feels like when someone made a fantasy novel about the whimsical magical realm of "Antigua"
Brendan: Lime-green miniskirt is the Key West LBD
FancyShark: The lush cacti and pine trees of Key West
Brendan: State archeologists are always so grateful when you dismantle irreplaceable history by hand with your mob of teens, saving them precious hours of work.
Floygen: I hated this part of Red Dead Redemption 2
gellaho: Looking good
FancyShark: This HGTV show sucks
Even Badger will be smashed: Made up for it with the big cannon tho
GDC: "this is the garage", said mitch
Floygen: Has Rob even said anything yet? Is he actually a character?
gellaho: Such ugly trees
Even Badger will be smashed: Max would later go on to ghostwrite The Happening
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Fuck offff with your foreshadowing hindsight Kathryn. You hack.
GDC: Max learned an important lesson about mortality that summer
Floygen: 'Hello reader. In this book, magic trees kill people. No, wait, don't leave, please'
gellaho: Kathryn briefly remembers this is supposed to be horror
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: She's from Ohio, and in the 90s. She knows at least one person who died of an overdose and more than one who got pregnant and had to drop out.; What kind of person gets the wibblies from clawed chair legs?
Floygen: No wonder the trees are so deadly. You know how hard it is to find mahogany these days?
FancyShark: Because a house like that would definitely be standing in the Keys
gellaho: Classic sibling banter
gellaho: Max seems exhausting
Floygen: 'They think teenagers only have sex on their minds. And by they, I mean I, and only I. What?'
gellaho: Engage Robo-Mom 9000
FancyShark: Max would sometimes get out the burlap sack where she kept the souvenirs from her boyfriends. Most had rotted away
Brendan: I'm not interested in the stout mahogany's feet, I want to know how enviable that chair's breasts are
Even Badger will be smashed: Max has not yet figured out that settling is an option.
GDC: Yeah, those seventh grade boys are all looking to settle down and start a family so quickly
Floygen: 'Uh, Mrs. Dwyer, can we go home? The murder trees are making us horny'
Even Badger will be smashed: Speak for yourself, go back to the table feet :FuckApe:
gellaho: Pointless mystery is back, baby!
Even Badger will be smashed: Aww, Dweebenheimer was trying to confess his love. What a dipstick
FancyShark: He was working up the courage to say he screams in his sleep
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Shut the fuck up with your mysterious bullshit, Wesley, you unsauced mound of pulled pork shaped like a man.
Floygen: :nerds:
GDC: Let's see if he lives to tell his secret.
Even Badger will be smashed: I really hope he doesn't
FancyShark: I hope his secret is he doesn't like the club they're in
gellaho: The teacher's mom tells a story about a monster that haunts the beach
gellaho: You can probably figure out how it goes on your own
FancyShark: I assume it purchased a Florida timeshare, got drunk on margaritas and wrecked its galleon?
Even Badger will be smashed: "The mists of time hide his birth" is a really weird way to say you lost his birth certificate, Ms D
GDC: This is an allegory, the demon is meth
Brendan: GREETINGS TRAVELER
gellaho: The teens are incredible wimps
Brendan: Garth already wrote this story in DUBLOON DU BLOOD
mackmiserable: can we give Dean Learner a book OK?!
FancyShark: Teens are horrified by tales of property line disputes
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "Yeah Max. Duh, of course its just a story. Psychic lobster gods dont exist."
Even Badger will be smashed: Hahaha look at this Karen try to mythologize past generations of white people kicking the shit out of the people who lived here before
Brendan: Pretty sure Dean killed the actress who plays Liz.; He gets no book except "If I Did It"
gellaho: maaaaaaaaaaaannnnn
FancyShark: @mackmiserable , are you joining us for book cage?
gellaho: It was a bunch of natural disasters, but thanks for playing
mackmiserable: i have to admit i have no idea what any of that stuff means 🙂
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Kathryn writes the shitty girls alot better and more naturally than she writes anything else, so I think we can say which camps she landed in or would have liked to.
gellaho: Meanwhile, Wesley is HOT
FancyShark: Gellaho's reading a book and we're riffing it. You're welcome to join us! Happens every Friday
gellaho: Snake
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Wesley you spineless lump of sun bleached horse meat, when someone could get hurt you NEED TO TALK.
FancyShark: What a natural way to say he clawed at the snake
gellaho: "Ignore that he already opened his eyes" - Kathryn
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Wesley you half awake boneless chicken carcass, this is how you get bitten by snakes.; Dream snakes doubly.
mackmiserable: might join another time that sounds rad
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: It's your fucking spirit guide, pay heed to its ancient wisdom.
FancyShark: Wesley really can't handle a backed-up toilet, can he?
Brendan: How awkward for Lucy that Wesley's incubus looks nothing like her.
gellaho: Zelda broods about how she used to be fat
Brendan: Zelda, if they don't like you no matter what, it's not your fatness getting in the way of your friendship.; It's their inability to eroticize the thicker woman.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Zelda you are probably not popular now, given your earlier mumblings about how people are the real monsters.
Even Badger will be smashed: This is a lot of plates to have spinning right before the pirate treasure murderer shows up
FancyShark: Stealing treasure is the perfect time to gain weight and lose popularity
gellaho: This is a great relationship
gellaho
Brendan: Shipping Wesley/Zelda from here on out.
Even Badger will be smashed: "That's the last time I'm going to tell you I love you" is an. Interesting line to draw in this relationship
Brendan: Greetings, Denise. It is I, your boyfriend Mitch Spanish. Despite my glittering eyes, I am not this how you say drug dealer.
FancyShark: Nice of Kathryn to make the Latino guy a drug user
GDC: Denise, you literally have sunken treasure washing up on the beach. Put two and two together
gellaho: A very healthy relationship
Brendan: "Garbled" to whom, gringa?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "No of course I am not doing the selling or useing of the drugs. I switched to gun running. For the IRA."
Brendan: God, Mitch, get your hot Latin blood under control.
gellaho: MUST CONSUME
FancyShark: Courtesy is not murdering men who say hi to your girlfriend; mmmmmm. Limestone orange juice
Brendan: Mrs. Franklin wants them all to sink to the seafloor in sacrifice to the spirit of the island.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Just a polite stabbing with a switchblade stiletto. Like a gentleman would use.
Ozzie: Love that fresh-squeezed Florida Sunny D
gellaho: Secret hot nerd alert
Even Badger will be smashed: Mrs. Franklin and I are in agreement, just not on the sacrifice thing
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Mrs. Franklin is related to Obed Marsh, calling it.
Even Badger will be smashed: I can name one rigid muscle that's not relaxing
FancyShark: Wesley has a lot of experience rubbing with lotion
gellaho: A very goopy book
FancyShark: "And I'm down to watch"
Even Badger will be smashed: "A one-eyed monster, if you will"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Wesley you turgid lump of grub beef, you were ripped the whole time?
FancyShark: Kathryn wrote The Dark Pictures games, didn't she?
gellaho: MORE unnecessary mystery! More!
Brendan: It's gonna turn out Wesley wanted to warn Max that her fair complexion left her quite vulnerable to equatorial sun damage; He was just relieved to see her applying.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Wesley needs to join the Tank Top Army.
Even Badger will be smashed: Couldn't be. Salim was too nuanced and cool
FancyShark: Eight weeks with someone you suspect has a fragile grip on reality. No red flags there.
gellaho: I guess Max is so pale she's being microwaved by the sun
Ozzie: Fully translucent
FancyShark: Burning the bones a healthy shade of brown
Even Badger will be smashed: That well known Mariah Carey song whose lyrics we shall not repeat
gellaho: "How dare you look at my homely mujer"
Even Badger will be smashed: He's interacted with Brodey for like two seconds and instantly escalated to the Goldberg spear? Maybe it's not the drug use that was the problem with this dude
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: YEAH FIGHT THE GENIUS!; Kick him in the head until he is of average intelligence!
FancyShark: Careful, Mitch! He might build a computer at you!
gellaho: "Fruited gelatin," something a human would definitely say
Even Badger will be smashed: I hope the climax is Brodey using his megamind to analyze Mitch's fighting style to the point of being inbvulnerable
Brendan: Swollen??
Even Badger will be smashed: Just this, up and down the beach
FancyShark: Mitch is a puffer fish. Confirmed
GDC: Fruited Gelatin sounds like some thing Mo would post in Mouth Hole Enthusiasts
gellaho: Cocaine drugs
Brendan: Not the bounce of a woman running down the beach you were expecting, WAS IT, horny teens?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "No, burgers are more important than talking down your near homicidal cokehead boyfriend, DENISE!"
FancyShark: Yep. The way to get rid of a cocaine-fueled blood haze is to sit down for a minute
Even Badger will be smashed: Just fucking sprinting down the coastline with a Jello mold in front of her
Brendan: Denise flirts with other guys because nothing gets her hotter than Mitch kicking their ass for talking to her.
gellaho: Later, a boy appears
gellaho
Even Badger will be smashed: "long down the back of his neck"
Brendan: Enter the murderer
Even Badger will be smashed: Short everywhere else tho
FancyShark: "Hello. I am Sexy Notthekiller"
Even Badger will be smashed: "I'm recording information, hello hew-mon boy"
gellaho: Ah, a drifter who knows about these artifacts
gellaho: Not suspicious at all
FancyShark: Key-hopping?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "Hello, it says here in the script I'm going to take your virginity? That seems awkward."
Even Badger will be smashed: Ah, back when you could job hobo to afford college
GDC: He travels via raft with a little sail on it
gellaho: Teacher decides to give this strange homeless boy she knows nothing about a job
gellaho
gellaho: I guess she's trying to lose her job?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "Yup, i'm just a young, crunchy dude doing some rambling in the wonderful Florida weather before college."
gellaho: Otherwise, why?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Played by a young Owen Wilson.
FancyShark: These books must be elaborate fantasies Kathryn has about how a teacher gets fired so a substitute can have a full-time job
Even Badger will be smashed: Either she loses her job because of all the kiddy death or she peels the fuck outta town with a trunkful of pirate gold. Either way is a win-win
Brendan: Well, you're blonde, I guess we can trust you with this unregistered precious lucre
GDC: "I'll pay you as little as possible to handle these valuable artifacts, unknown drifter. I am smart."
gellaho: Max, also a moron, decides he's boyfriend material
FancyShark: Adler doesn't need college. He has a full planetarium to manage.
Brendan: So, Adler, what kind of, um, stuff do you like?
Even Badger will be smashed: I wouldn't trust anyone with a last name for a first name for anything longer than a one night stand
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: okay but Max is a tiresome teenage girl from Ohio, so of course the random older guy bumming around the beach in Florida is a turn on.
FancyShark: "SOULLLLLLSSSSSS"
gellaho: The Strangeness: somebody falling down
Even Badger will be smashed: haha eat shit Barbara; No seriously, when does the murdering start
FancyShark: Cheerleaders really are klutzes
Brendan: Not so popular NOW, are you, Barbara??
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: OH NO! Someone get her sub to help her up!
gellaho: The nerd randomly shows up with a motorcycle. If you are wondering why, I don't know
Even Badger will be smashed: Oh I know this scene. He's from TMZ
gellaho: You remember the last book where one person died; Keep your expectations there
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Hahahaha Brodey rules.
Even Badger will be smashed: I mean, surely there'll be a murder soon, right
FancyShark: Bathing suit while riding a motorcycle. His legs are probably fine
Brendan: I dunno Brodey
gellaho: Vroom vroom
Brendan: Well, goodbye Suzuki, I guess.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Brodey about to steal Mitch's girlfriend for that ass kicking earlier.; Ride off laughing on his sweet bike.
GDC: I hope Mitch likes hot tire
gellaho: "Key West is only two hours away, can't believe nobody missed me for that long. Almost seems negligent"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "What is he doing?" Max whispered.; "Getting laid." Said everyone else.
FancyShark: Brodey, you're on sand
Even Badger will be smashed: "Six hundred pounds of speeding fury" is how Steven Seagal describes himself on his resume
GDC: Sure brodey, blame the bike
gellaho: This abrupt attitude change is definitely going to be explained later. Definitely.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: His megabrain forgot to account for bad traction.
Even Badger will be smashed: My god, of course!; It's his evil twin brother Drobey!
GDC: Lucy returns with second degree burns on her inner thighs
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Max its no wonder you're a thirsty boyfriendless virgin, if asking you if you want a ride on a cool bike is being a pervert.
FancyShark: I think Kathryn wanted "cool guy" but her definition of cool translated to "nerd"
gellaho: Brodey getting a little fresh
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Lucy is getting railed in the sand, MAX, like a popular girl. MAX.
FancyShark: He tried to kiss you?! That BITCH!
gellaho: These are some pretty cool siblings
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Hahahahah oh shit Kathryn upping the stakes with light kissing.
Even Badger will be smashed: "I'll strip nude for my pederast sugar daddy's magazine money, but I draw the line at uninitiated kissing!"
Brendan: I think it's pretty obvious Brodey got bonked on the head with a coconut and became Chazz Brodiotti
FancyShark: At this rate, they might end up HOLDING HANDS!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Lol I knew those rumors werent true. Rob's a gobshite little fibber.
gellaho: Further adventures of the world's worst teacher
Brendan: ESH; "Lucy, you slut, you can't turn a man down when you've been naked with a different man last year."
FancyShark: hahahahaha
GDC: "You let me keep the bike, and I won't rat you out to the board"
FancyShark: Kathryn always gets told by students that their normal teachers let them do stupid shit and she believes them
gellaho: Brodey came in the cave
Brendan: "I said I CAME on a CANE in a CAVE"; "Or maybe I stuck my cane in a cave and came? GET OFF MY BACK MOM"
GDC: "Mitch sold me some coCAINE"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Kathryn writes Mrs. Dwyer like shes my high school teacher who took some seniors to a titty bar on their senior trip.
Even Badger will be smashed: Brodey's really working out some issues on this field trip
gellaho: Barbara is in a slapstick comedy
Brendan: "I CAVED to peer pressure and now I'm a jerk"
gellaho: Because that's terrifying
Brendan: For Barbara's own safety, we're going to have to cut off her toes.
Even Badger will be smashed: Is- Is barbara okay? does she have dizzy hedgehog syndrome?
Brendan: ENTER REX MORAN
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Wesley infected Barbara with Urkelitus.
Even Badger will be smashed: He passed the curse onto her. It's like the It Follows monster
FancyShark: I need a jaunty and rapid piano number every time Barbara falls
gellaho: "I can't believe Lucy's not a slut anymore"
Even Badger will be smashed: she wanders into the room and ragtime starts playing ominously in the distance
Ozzie: It's Nathan
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Max you are fuckin judgy as shit, maybe the curse will make you less of a prick.
FancyShark: Wait, the demon is making them invert personalities?
Even Badger will be smashed: Sick premise, tbh
Shounen Ass Ramb$ne Gracie: maybe this curse will make Max rad
Ozzie: So Max is going to not fantasize about fucking but then immediately go for it when there's a dude?
gellaho: They She's-All-That'd him!
gellaho: Sick slam on that nerd, who's also him
FancyShark: "Also, Rob's dead"; "Now who wants it every which way from Wes?"
Even Badger will be smashed: If Rob is getting inverted does that mean we have to start calling him Bob now
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: lol good self-deprecative humor there, you heap of imitation crab.
gellaho: "Maybe it's a sick prank, sis"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Max......why are you suspicious tho? Do you think Wesley murdered someone for their drip?
Even Badger will be smashed: Oh no wait, I get it now. This is the beach Christine the demon car washed up on after they ran her through an industrial grinder and now her pieces have adopted all these kids at once.
FancyShark: If Inverted Mitch is just White Mitch, I'm leaving
Even Badger will be smashed: Now they'll have to fight to the death to become the true partner of the evil car.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Or maybe Max, you just dont know these people as well as you think and they're doing something different.
Brendan: Was anyone surprised that Wesley would be the next one to Stefan Urquelle?
FancyShark: Honestly, yeah
gellaho: Classic pianist, that Sting was
Brendan: That's when they kissed
Ozzie: He was already ripped, all they did was take his glasses off and bathe him.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Nah of course he would, the instant they said he was secretly jacked he was due for being sexy.; Because kids love Elton John and Sting.
FancyShark: Rob has a ham for a heart? He'll be dead in seconds
gellaho: Kathryn had the pulse on popular music
gellaho
Shounen Ass Ramb$ne Gracie: max is going to fight the demon because she feels left out
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: You gotta believe in the Heart of the Ham.
Shounen Ass Ramb$ne Gracie: everyone is very happy with these demon changes but she's gonna ruin it for everyone
Brendan: Max has more chemistry with her own brother than she does with her Chemistry Club.
Even Badger will be smashed: Okay so just to be clear, this is still sister and brother, right? the only ones here with actual chemistry are the immediate blood relatives?
gellaho: Creepy
Brendan: She's gonna look in the mirror and envy her own breasts. BIG changes afoot on Key...EAST???
Even Badger will be smashed: Oh don't say she stiffened, Kathryn
Shounen Ass Ramb$ne Gracie: oh so this is a light novel?
Even Badger will be smashed: Please don't pile that on on top of everything else
Brendan: Adler is Max's non-cest beard
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Max has a girl boner, Max has a girl boner!
gellaho: Still creepy
FancyShark: If Adler turns into Billy Zane, this will all be worth it
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Transmuting Owen Wilson to Billy Zane would make so many problems in the world better.
gellaho: Rob gets the yips
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "No I can't play if it seems like my sister is going to get laid."
FancyShark: "Do not touch the musician or I'll take more drugs"
gellaho: Walk with me, a drifter you barely know, instead of consoling your brother
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Adler is a beach vampire.; Calling it.; In league with Lobstor.
FancyShark: "Children of the night, what music they make"; [seagulls screech]
gellaho: Jesus Christ, Max
FancyShark: Oh, okay. This is a romantic comedy
Brendan: Mitch is legitimately scary abusive; Like not even an INCH
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Max is later going to blame this on being cursed to sluttyness.
Even Badger will be smashed: Is. Is the horror coming from the puberty subtext? Is that the them here?
gellaho: It's so hot how he talks about his pay check
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Alot of girls that age blame these things on island curses.
Brendan: "What? With y--Max, this is our first real conversation, why would you think I meant--"
Even Badger will be smashed: "I need to wake up my boss to talk about my pay" is definitely a plausible cover story
Brendan: The town my Ma grew up in is actual Podunk country.
FancyShark: "I meant with Wesley! Why would you think I meant you?"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Yeah but is it cover for the one to one half of a murder or is Adler just hot for teacher?
FancyShark: Negligence gets him hot
gellaho: "That strange drifter isn't a stranger!"
gellaho
Ozzie: If I ever told a girl "I'll be up after you in a moment, I have to wake up your teacher for my money", she would know she was being fully blown off.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: God Max your piano dork brother is right, you are cruising for a really lamentably unforgettable summer of bad sex and VD.
gellaho: "Could my brain be trying to tell me something?"; "Nah."
gellaho
Even Badger will be smashed
FancyShark: Feelings of impending doom are just part of being in Florida
Ozzie: I had to scroll back up because the book definitely said he had golden eyes before.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Max, why would you think its important to notice someones eye color in a dream? This kind of shit is why you're single and considering fucking a college age beach bum.
gellaho: Wesley continues his mutation out of nerd
gellaho: How dare you remember plot details
Even Badger will be smashed: This is a fake memory. Wesley has never raked out a stall in his life
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Now now. He IS from Ohio.
FancyShark: Crap. I just realized that if people are getting inverted and Lucy is now a prude, that probably means the photo rumor is true
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: If something sucks you can do it in Ohio.,
gellaho: It's too bad his transformation didn't happen earlier. Max is too busy dating a hobo
Ozzie: So he's brimming with confidence and that equates to wishing he could tell a girl he likes her.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: On the bright side once Adler has totally disappointed her in the sack, Wesley can swoop in.; Her expectations will never be lower.
gellaho: Kathryn really understands teen girls
Ozzie: Thank God that says "throat"
GDC: Wes can only talk to women if they're swooning.
gellaho: This is a very believable situation
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Wesley you pale ham golem, you could have done this anytime.
FancyShark: The real question is: are they actually changing or is this all illusion?
Brendan: Kinda late for us to find out Wesley is a farmwork, corn-finished hunk defending himself against three teen boys considering all we knew was "invented raspberry pi for THE Ohio State University." thus far.
GDC: You could have avoided years of torment by whipping your shirt off in math class.
Even Badger will be smashed: If this isn't a personality inversion plot then what the goddamn fuck is supposed to be happening here
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Also now that you're hot you can set your sights higher than "Shitty girl who thinks you're a pitiable dork and hates that you arent anymore, and thinks its witchcraft or something."
gellaho: Just what you want on a hot Florida day. A pizza oven
Brendan: I barely survived one brother in a different room, Lucy in the scorn with D-cups wouldn't be scary after fighting three.
FancyShark: I like how the lost treasure of the Spanish galleon plot thread has been completely abandoned
Brendan: Mmmmm, that GOOD Key West homemde pizza
gellaho: The inventor was the other nerd, Brodey
Brendan: You can't have TWO nerds
Even Badger will be smashed: I mean, who turns down pizza
FancyShark: oh right. Wesley's entire personality was "loser"
Ozzie: We're too busy seeing Wesley get everything Nathan would've died for.
FancyShark: Kathryn cheated
Brendan: It'd be like making the popular cheerleader not the slut, or putting a SECOND plain jane in a bunch of clubs.
jakesy “the korf magician”: I see all I've missed so far are teenage boners
FancyShark: Sexy bad boy with motorcycle is Inverted Brodey
jakesy “the korf magician”: Par for the course with this author
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Yup. Not a hint of Lobstor, Spawn of the Deep.
gellaho: Rob is definitely looking forward to getting murdered by Mitch
Brendan: This Lobstor joke has legs; At least six of em
FancyShark: Meanwhile, Barbara has fallen down nine staircases
gellaho
GDC: Brodey is going to end up as a meat crayon after a bad spill in his bathing suit.
Brendan: Brodey is going Key-fer Sutherland
gellaho: This is going to end well
Brendan: The most incipient form of Sutherland
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Max just now pitching in to defend Barbara despite Barbara being a cruel bitch back home.; Max is a real lover of the status quo.
gellaho: Just some great kids
FancyShark: Inverted Barbara is a klutz
jakesy “the korf magician”: Somebody's going to get the Mrs D
FancyShark: I just realized
GDC: I think spending the summer in a neck brace would teach her humility.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Yes hang Barbara with a garden hose, Adler. Much quicker than jumping off a roof.
Brendan: At least if these kids start getting murdered the inverted cops will show up quickly to take brave action.
jakesy “the korf magician”: They're in it for the swamp pizza
gellaho: Seems to be going great
FancyShark
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: All it took to shatter Barbara's mind was tripping a couple times over a weekend.
jakesy “the korf magician”: Does the author know that cheerleading and gymnastics are different things
gellaho: Wheeeeeeeeee
FancyShark: CANNONBALLLLLLL!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Nerve tearing is what Barbara is experiencing now, literally.
gellaho: Her eyelashes are red?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Enjoy being the sad cheerleader in the wheelchair at the bottom of the pyramid Barb.
FancyShark: Barbara insists her leg is fine and tries another cartwheel off the house
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: You only broke a leg, geez. Unless you're part horse you'll cheer again.
GDC: Dwyer has excellent bedside manner.
gellaho: More mystery, more!
Even Badger will be smashed: "I have no idea 😉 what possessed 😉 you!"
Ozzie: The carpet matches the eyelashes
gellaho: Later, MORE MYSTERY
FancyShark: Inverting Zelda is going to take forever with all her traits
Ozzie: I agree that miscommunication is a good source of conflict but I disagree that this means characters should just loudly announce that they're being withholding before walking out of the scene.
GDC: Zelda is going to be... Not Asian?
FancyShark: And not Jewish. And not not quite fat. And not introverted. And not insecure
Brendan: More golden than crimson, in my experience, but yeah.
gellaho: I can't imagine who's stealing stuff
FancyShark: Oh no! The teenagers didn't secure the artifacts! The archeologists are going to be so miffed!
Ozzie: He didn't bring a bag? He's just walking back with silverware in his pants?
Brendan: nice! now he's protected against the demon possessing him to become a thief.
Even Badger will be smashed: Dude put as much planning into this treasure heist as Beni from The Mummy
gellaho: Jerry seems fun
Even Badger will be smashed: by which I mean "almost none"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: I see I didnt miss much after Barbara shattered her leg and her dreams.
Brendan: She can still play rugby!
GDC: And now she knows when it's about to rain when her knee acts up.
gellaho: Everyone in this book is such a weenie
gellaho
FancyShark: "I should warn you, that wasn't cocaine. You just inhaled about a pound of Ajax"
NostraThomas TommyG: "My sinuses are REALLY clear"
GDC: They're drinking wine from the sunken galleon.; It's still good!
gellaho: Brodey out here hacking the planet
gellaho
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Never trust a Jerry in a criminal enterprise. The Jerry is a spineless person, prone to ratting. You're just setting yourself up to have an informant.
Even Badger will be smashed: Bwuh-; What???; We're hacking governments now?!
jakesy “the korf magician”: Buddy you don't need any skills to get into Ohio state
Floygen: I left for an hour to deal with a work issue and we've gone from horny death trees to cyber hacking
FancyShark: So you're worried Barbara will slip a disk to the FBI? Hahaha, it's funny because she'll never walk again
jakesy “the korf magician”: Fuckin safety school's safety school right there
gellaho: Brodey goes out joyriding at 3am without a helmet because he is very smart
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Hahahahaha you poor asshole, you invented a pocket computer 20 years early and your school of choice is Ohio State.
Brendan: All this took was a 2400 modem and a knowledge of what cd /b >dir does
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: He forgot to comment his message out, thats all.
Even Badger will be smashed: It's rare that a movie is better than the book but so far Cabin in the Woods is way better than the source text
FancyShark: Adler's inversion aura has a radius. That's good to know
jakesy “the korf magician”
gellaho: The truck got him
NostraThomas TommyG: Where's the hillbilly murder family with the husband bulge
Even Badger will be smashed: Absolutely did not guess Brodey would be the first one dead
FancyShark: Died on the cliffs of Florida
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: I was beginning to think this wouldnt have a body count AT ALL!
Even Badger will be smashed: I think at this point that's either Mitch or Jerry
gellaho: So it's 70 degrees?
Floygen: This is my first exposure to the character of Brody - violently impaled through the head by jagged stones
FancyShark: You live in an arid desert, right?
Brendan: In retrospect it was a mistake to hook the DC capitol traffic lights up to the ALL-GOVERNMENT mainframe
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: The famously cold Florida nights.
Brendan: Shame on you all for not emojing this
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Wesley is just trying to jackhammer Max tho, get it all hot in there and maybe she'll take off her jacket.
FancyShark: Haven't seen it yet!
gellaho: 73 and humid, brrrrrr
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Meanwhile I'm sweating just thinking about it being over 70.
Brendan: I want brodey's obituary to be the inverse of that "Guy who got shot after a lifetime of crime was talking about turning things around" story you always see.
FancyShark: It's 20 degrees here and I'm looking forward to it being warm enough to not freeze the air into knives
gellaho: Fucking fake nerd
Brendan: I want "Pleasantly plump computer dork had recently brought down the U.S. government" obituary; He only tried to War Games but he accidentally Mr. Roboted
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: I wish it was that cold all year here.
NostraThomas TommyG: It's 50 degrees here in Long Island. I thought it was winter
Floygen: "This time, he was pushed too far... off a cliff, face-first into a bed of sharp stones"
FancyShark: "Bro killed just when he was gonna get crunked. Total bummer. Also hacked the popo."
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: YEAH GET SOME WES YOU GROUND HOTDOG IN A SKIN SUIT!; Your taste is shit but shoot your shot my guy.
jakesy “the korf magician”: Now he's going to a mediocre state school where he's going to get stuffed into a locker by Cardale Jones
Ozzie: He could still be alive, maybe his skull inverted into not getting powdered by high speed collisions,
Even Badger will be smashed: "You should like me instead" as a pickup line is a real Chad move tbh
gellaho: Max, you just fall in love with any handsome teen that wanders near you, don't you?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Just dont turn into an incel when Max reveals she's a judgy pain in the balls.
FancyShark: Uh oh. Max is turning into a liquid
Floygen: As we all know, we can't possibly see eyes through glasses. It's not like the whole point of non-polarizing or tinted glasses is to be transparent to allow light through, leaving them exposed or anything
Brendan: Whenever I see stuff like that I remember how many kid things I still did and thought at 20, and I wasn't surrounded by tens of thousands of people telling me I was Jesus Christ with body armor.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Oooof guy, she thinks youre "comfortable", you're never gonna with her. Best start chatting up Lucy.
gellaho: Meanwhile, Zelda is having some kind of Superman complex
GDC: She woke up covered in nerd goop.
NostraThomas TommyG: You mean, you stopped at age 20?
Brendan: Like one time I left errant code in the CIA's TRS-80 and it accidentally ended the cold war
NostraThomas TommyG: Lots and lots of drool
Brendan: No, I just monetized it.
jakesy “the korf magician”: I mean he's not wrong either, he didn't get recruited there to play school
Floygen: I probably missed like 6 character introductions, didn't I
Even Badger will be smashed: The wise man's move
gellaho: Because communicating anything is hard
Brendan: Loyalty to Adler.
FancyShark: Zelda knew only one way to keep them safe. She would bury them all. Nice and safe. Down where it was dark. Dark and quiet.
GDC: Zelda has a lot of blood on her hands.
Brendan: Honestly, the dumb drama of teen brain is a great credit to this book's realism.
gellaho: Loooooooooow standards
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: SIMP! SIIIIIIIIIIIIMP!
gellaho: I must have hung out with smarter teens
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: That's good simping Wes.
Even Badger will be smashed: This is the politest way anyone has ever asked another person to sit on their face
Brendan: Wesley absolutely wears transitions, though.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: It's the True Way of the Simp.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Lucy would absolutely, Max will never notice.
Floygen: 'It was a pillow for my feet, though.'; 'Haha, even better'
gellaho: What a cool dude
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "Light teasing" is not "playing with your emotions" you psychopath.
FancyShark: Adler, you know you can kill these people, don't you?
gellaho: "I've got a nerd now"
Even Badger will be smashed: If this dude really is an ageless demon I really hate the optics of him flirting with this high schooler
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: YEah he isnt going to get jealous of the human pork cutlet effigy.
jakesy “the korf magician”: Talking with my pusssaaaaaaayy
GDC: And with that wes's death warrant was signed.
Even Badger will be smashed: Holy fuck, has there been a single relationship here that hasn't been some kind of irredeemably fucked?; Kathryn, are you okay?
Brendan: He Twilightin'
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Kathryn was a Max in school, so no. She's very much not okay.
Brendan: Sweet lips, blink twice if you can feel yourself inverting a talent.
Even Badger will be smashed: If we find out later that Adler imprinted on Max in the womb and that's why this is all okay I'm going to hurl
gellaho: RIP
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: This is just one substitute teacher working out her lingering resentments and traumas from high school.
gellaho: J/k
Even Badger will be smashed: Hahaha go fuck yourself Kathryn
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Dont........dont say things like "her brothers strong arms" Kathryn.
FancyShark: Fortunately, Brodey was aiming for Ohio State, so most of the lost brain matter doesn't need to be scraped off the rocks
gellaho: "I love this crippled child"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Mrs. Franklin, colorized.
Floygen: Did he not careen from a motor vehicle into a crag pit brain-first? How the fuck do you survive that?
Even Badger will be smashed: His pleasant plumpness cushioned his crash
gellaho: Yeah, I wonder
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: He was wearing his helmet, its fine.
Even Badger will be smashed: Big if true
Brendan: it's THE ohio state!
Floygen: This really is horror villain Ms. Frizzle
Brendan: Although I will say most of Brodey's articulation is indefinite now.
jakesy “the korf magician”: THE safety school
gellaho: Yes. I fucking wonder who, you idiots
FancyShark: I think it's Mitch
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "THIS IS MY ONE CHANCE TO QUIT MY SHITTY JOB TEACHING YOU LOSER FUCKASS KIDS! No way am I backing out now!"; "Mrs. D, did you mean to say that out loud?!"; "YES! NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DIG!"
Floygen: I miss when the trees were demons
gellaho: Kathryn went out of her way to say he wasn't. Gotta make it (un)believable
Floygen: Looming over the 3-foot beach cliffs
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Wow these kids jumped to Salem Witch Trial paranoia quickly.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: I assumed Kathryn forgot he wasnt tbh.; Either that or Brodey has Homer Skull Syndrome.
Even Badger will be smashed: He passed out of the personality inversion field and the helmet materialized back onto his head before the crash
FancyShark: "Because you see, kids, drugs are the real demon that manipulates you into crashing your motorcycle in the cliffs of Florida. Hi, I'm Chase Cleanveins, and today, I'm here to rap with you about the dangers of the devil dust. But first, WHO LIKES THREE DAYS GRACE?"
gellaho: Not quite the Usual Suspects
jakesy “the korf magician”: I wait
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "The only thing I shoot into my veins is raw uncut Christ!"
jakesy “the korf magician”: His last name is Elite
gellaho: What about him is good, Max
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Is..........this supposed to be a revelation? Her boyfriend has a weird fake surname?
GDC: If my last name was Elite I would just assume no one would believe me when I told them.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "Oh of the East Coast Elites?"
Even Badger will be smashed: How many pages into the book are we, exactly?; Genuine question.
FancyShark: Five
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "Maybe the Washington Elites? Perhaps Boston Elites? What branch of the Elites do you hail from?"
jakesy “the korf magician”: You guys know, that famous typewriter brand Adler Elite; The one that everyone knows
gellaho: Wes outlines his "this is all Barbara's fault" theory
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Yeah Wes, that doesnt track well. She broke her OWN leg to get back at MAx? That is the kind of plan the Other Other White Meat would come up with, you goddam slab of dude pork.
gellaho: Her forked tongue can manipulate all the teens
gellaho: Because people's personalities can change just like that with just a suggestion
Even Badger will be smashed: Really trying to throw out this red herring
GDC: I still maintain Mitch sold everyone coke.
Even Badger will be smashed: Okay, we're either 104 or 194 pages in and so far exactly zero sunken treasure has been dredged from the shipwreck. The fuck are we doing here
FancyShark: Kathryn went to the writing school of "We'll fix it later"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Oh because telling you "Hey you would be pretty cute if you didnt dress like a nerd and stopped using Brylcreem like its the fucking 50's." is sinister.
gellaho: That's why when I watch TV the commercials constantly change my perspective and buying habits
jakesy “the korf magician”: These kids are for sure not cool enough to do coke
Brendan: Looking back at their talk along the beach, Max realized there was only one set of footprints.
gellaho: "It was a bold strategy breaking her own leg"
GDC: Barbara really committed.
jakesy “the korf magician”: Look if you want to be the best you gotta beat the best
Brendan: Teens famously do whatever an adult they just met suggests. That's teening 101: respect authority on sight
gellaho: "We all know that Barbara used to work in the circus"
Brendan: Yeah but there's so much of it in the Keys it just blows into your food on the east wind
FancyShark: Barbara also sunk the galleon
jakesy “the korf magician”: So that's why they call it a key bump
gellaho: Hey, Kathryn, they have AC
gellaho: It would be impossible for them to live there without it
Brendan: Adler Elite can be rearranged to spell Dealer Lite. COINCIDENCE, Mitch???
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Wes.......jesus. I was socially paranoid in high school, but I didnt spin wild theories about the kids I thought were shitty, you need some help.
FancyShark: Kathryn was one of those kids that genuinely thought Punch didn't know there was a dragon behind him
Brendan: Every one of these teens is like "We die tomorrow" and none of them just want to stop volunteering and go chill in Ft. Lauderdale.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Also Brodey really needs to go to the hospital, maybe its not great to blame an obvious accident on poor Barbara.
gellaho: What a coincidence
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Also fuck you for making me sympathize with Barbara, Kathryn.
FancyShark: That's an easy way to avoid having to write dialogue
gellaho: It's four hours away, but sure
Brendan: I dunno anything on the west side of the state worth partying at.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Well at least its better than "I pulled it from her dormant mind with my Chinese Jew powers." that was in Kathryns original unedited manuscript.
gellaho: It's all the same, it takes a really long time to get through the keys
Even Badger will be smashed: Honestly they could just pull into a Waffle House and ride out the rest of their scheduled trip away from school there; What's Mrs Dwyer gonna do, fire them?
Brendan: I took a bus to FLL in college and was like "Yay! Florida! We made it in 12 hours!"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Waffle House is a bit dangerous tho.
Brendan: 12 hours later we were still driving to Ft. Lauderdale
gellaho: These teens are really loosey goosey with their secrets
FancyShark: Their food is filthy and delicious
Brendan: Spring for the plane, you no-good teens
gellaho: It's a big state
Brendan: A whole damn anti-Max conspiracy
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Maybe possibly everyone just hates Max? Are we dealing with an unreliable narrator?
FancyShark: Jesus, Kathryn. Just pay for a therapist
Even Badger will be smashed: Yeah the odds of death are about the same as staying but at least you probably get a meal out of it
Brendan: Anti-Maxxers are dying at elevated rates and no one's sure why.
GDC: Barbara found out Zelda is a CCP operative.
gellaho: Central Air is a thing Kathryn
GDC: Barbara feels the storm coming in her gimp knee.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: And a double agent for the Mossad.
FancyShark: I'm really enjoying gellaho's quiet fury at Kathryn's ignorance of Florida
Even Badger will be smashed: One of those famous surprise cyclones that Florida is always dealing with
gellaho: It's also the summer, so it'd just get more humid; It's Florida
Ozzie: I will do the same for anything and everything set in Minnesota.; Rocky and Bullwinkle knows what it did.
GDC: I think she latched on to sand and assumed Florida has the same climate as new Mexico.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: I legit think Kathryn confused the Florida Keys with the UK.
gellaho: Jesus Christ, Max, you are a dipshit
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: These kids are on some Irish beach near Donegal.
Brendan: If they're right on the beach I'll buy the wind doing a lot of the convective lifting.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Casually kicking seals off artifacts.
gellaho: If you actually experienced a Florida summer you would not call the sunshine "friendly"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Its been the whole book and not a single character has been carried off by meth mosquitoes or eaten by palmetto bugs. Fake.
Even Badger will be smashed: "Something is coming between us.; Jesus is his name"
GDC: "to be clear, I don't care. I've boned five other underage girls this week"
gellaho: You deserve to die
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: It would be rad if he just told her the truth and when she admits she does like Wes he's just cool about it.
FancyShark: "Why would the IRS care about baked goods?"; "Look, go away."
Ozzie: Even he's surprised she put it together.; And he got the name from her.
gellaho: Absolute moron
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Took her long enough to figure out he told her his name was basically Samsonite Lampstand.
Even Badger will be smashed: Not that Kathryn will ever let anything happen to her precious insert POV characters but no one in this book is begging for death more than Max
NostraThomas TommyG: The Florida Baking Institute is VERY interested in recipes
gellaho: Not having any rootable characters is good, right?
GDC: I would have thought Florida authorities would be more interested in cooking than Baking.
Brendan: Not even bothered that he got her name off her typewriter before he entered the house officially.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Honestly Andy, you shouldnt fuck her just because I dont think she's mentally able to consent, it would be like fucking someone elses ham. Awkward and ethically wrong.
Brendan: "SMOOCH Well I'll let you get back to your brother. Nighty nighty, sweet lips."
GDC: Speaking from experience.
FancyShark: See, it's funny because he didn't wreck her reputation but he did get in a car wreck
NostraThomas TommyG: It's how hams are glazed
gellaho: Figure out this transition
Brendan: Hear me out: what if Brodey is to blame for his dumb accident?
Brendan: Virgins have weird wet dreams
gellaho: Well, a truck drove him off the road
FancyShark: That doesn't sound like Ohio State hopeful material to me
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Really? Cos it's got "Ohio" written all over it.
Brendan: She's playing with FIRE because it's SYMBOLISM and also Adler doesn't have HAVE a CAR
GDC: The spilling gas represents brodeys's spilling cerebrospinal fluid.
gellaho: Barbara's dream turns out to be prophetic
FancyShark: I hope the window's locked and she has to klutz her way through it
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Jesus fuck Kathryn, I realize the Barbara's you knew as a kid were cruel but setting them on fire is a bit much.
NostraThomas TommyG: Jump,through it like a final girl!
gellaho: The fumes cause her to flashback
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: You're an adult now, you should have some distance to put these things in their proper perspective, Kathryn.
Even Badger will be smashed: Tfw I'm sending a silent message to those weirdoes down on the beach
NostraThomas TommyG: Is she?
gellaho: This is real weak motivation for not squealing on the weird drifter
Even Badger will be smashed: Wait the hacking thing actually happened? That's not a fake memory planted by the inversion demon?
Brendan: They call me firecrotch.
jakesy “the korf magician”: Next thing you know Broday is going to be trading his autograph for free tattoos
gellaho: Anyway, Barbara gives up and dies. Sleep well, kids!
NostraThomas TommyG: Worst Malibu hero ever. He only sold one comic. Not issue. Total
jakesy “the korf magician”: JIM TRESSEL SLAM
Brendan: Barbara has a LOT going on for a 17-year-old
gellaho: Not anymore she doesn't
FancyShark: She died as she lived. On fire.
gellaho: Flawless transition
Even Badger will be smashed: Back on the board with one death. We were trending at negative one for a bit there
jakesy “the korf magician”: Zelda with the tri force move
gellaho: Because when you have multiple people and a deck of cards, you play solitaire
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Hahahahaha DOUBLE SOLITARE! The game too boring for old people.
jakesy “the korf magician”: It's what all the teens are doing; Also it's a euphemism for beating off next to each other
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: At least it wasnt Black Jack Jiggle or Strip Poker.
jakesy “the korf magician”: I see what you did there Kathryn
gellaho: Kathryn forgot Zelda is the freakishly strong one
NostraThomas TommyG: She was tired from all that card throwing
gellaho: Great writing
FancyShark: Herbert the Vengeful Ghost
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "No I wont admit that Herbert West is real and coming here."
GDC: Let's talk about this while everyone burns to death.
NostraThomas TommyG: He REALLY doesn't want to be your friend
gellaho: Eh, I'm not going to even try
Even Badger will be smashed: Neither is Kathryn
FancyShark: "We did all we could"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Barbracue.
Even Badger will be smashed: "Somehow Barbara won't return"
Keith: Finally reading 'The Good Soldier Svejk'. Can already tell it's going to be one of those books like 'Slaughterhouse Five' that I'm going to be like, why the hell did I wait so long, and it will stay in a corner of my head forever
FancyShark: Max's eulogy at Barbara's funeral is just a shrug
gellaho: It's too bad they are the only ones on the island
gellaho: Maybe; Possibly
NostraThomas TommyG: They'll all have memorial flashbacks
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "I never liked her, and that summer vacation where she was actually kind of doing nice shit for everyone didnt change anything."
gellaho: That's not really a confession
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "She made my pet dork a hunk and I will NEVER FORGIVE HER! I will sneak back here later tonight to piss on her grave! DINNER IS ASPARAGUS!"
NostraThomas TommyG: Barabara is really Herbert
FancyShark: "I can't stomach this any longer! I have to tell Wes he's a good friend!"
NostraThomas TommyG: Padme and Anakin were hotter
gellaho: IT'S THE WEIRD BOY THAT SHOWED UP OUT OF NOWHERE, YOU IDIOT
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Yeah kill Wes on the spot too, Max.
Brendan: Her boyfriend George Glass
Ozzie: This is what Kathryn screamed into a mirror while plotting.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "Or was Max delusional and this was a series of unfortunate accidents, with a parallel scheme from her teacher to run off with the doubloon money?"
Ozzie: Speech-to-text left it in the book.
NostraThomas TommyG: Or is the author a hack, because any of those would have been more entertaining
gellaho: Or, you know, maybe someone saw the fire
Brendan: Max has Wife Guy vibes for her first boyfriend.
jakesy “the korf magician”: This book could have been over so quickly
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Max is Czar Nicholas II and all she needs is a Rasputin to cuck the shit out of her.
gellaho: No shit
gellaho: What could be the motivation; Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuh
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "OH FUCK THE TREASURE WORTH MILLIONS WE HAVE BEEN CASUALLY HANDLING AND TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT!"
Even Badger will be smashed: Oh right, the treasure. The supposed plot element the book hinges around
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: To be fair, I also forgot there was a treasure.
GDC: They 'stole' the treasure that has been just washing up on shore for months.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Somehow, because silver spoons and shit are famously buoyant after being encrusted in coral and fish poop for three hundred years.
gellaho: And now, rapidly jumping to conclusions
FancyShark: "But the real treasure was inside us all along!"; "FUCK! MY KIDNEYS!"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: The artifacts in question are just a shipping container of Garfield phones.; Mrs. Dwyer plans to refurbish and sell them.
Even Badger will be smashed: IT'S ALWAYS THE ORGAN HARVESTING MONEY
gellaho: Mine!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: She told these kids they were Spainish treasure from Atlantis or some shit so she wouldnt have to share the profit.
NostraThomas TommyG: You mean my Football phone from Sports Illustrated is worth less??
gellaho: Which part is her snapping back to reality
NostraThomas TommyG: But but it came free along with the swimsuit issue and the year in sports!!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: No those are clearly a collectors item what will retain its value forever.
NostraThomas TommyG: Oh thank goodness!
jakesy “the korf magician”: Snap back to reality/ ope, there goes gravity
FancyShark: Empathy makes Max question reality
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: She immediately starts to suspect Wes is the murderer.
gellaho: All those Floridian cliffs and caves
jakesy “the korf magician”: You know, on the keys
FancyShark: I hope they dressed warm for those freezing night winds
jakesy “the korf magician”: All those; Caves
NostraThomas TommyG: And cliffs
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Yup. Famously riddled with cave systems, the Keys and general Carribean area.
jakesy “the korf magician”: As Jimmy Buffett sings about his time in margaritaville, all the cliffs and caves
gellaho: The coral is sticking out of the water?
gellaho: It's where the flamingos live
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: It's where the term "man cave" come from, derived from the Creek word "Manacave".
Even Badger will be smashed: Oh good, we solved the oceans rising
NostraThomas TommyG: Soooo I don't have to buy a Prius
gellaho: That dastardly Acne-man
jakesy “the korf magician”: Now all they have to do is cross the vast Floridian desert with the treasure
Brendan: the Andy-Christ is real!
Ozzie: This is like the fifth time she's had the feeling that there's danger around, Kathryn gave her self-insert Spider-Sense, a move I personally cannot rightfully condemn.
gellaho: You. Are. The. Dumbest. Character. And. I. Hate. You.
Ozzie: GREAT question, Max.
Brendan: The only one whose POV we saw immediately with a description that matched only him for the matching scene where he showed up...
jakesy “the korf magician”: It's not even a betrayal, she knew nothing about him
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: The guy who told you his name was Chair Greatsit? Untrustworthy?! SHOCK!
NostraThomas TommyG: I have a suspicion that Max has "breathe in" tattooed on her right arm and "breathe out" tattooed on her left arm
FancyShark: Max would go on to have her heart broken when she found out her call wasn't very important to Comcast's customer service
Brendan: Did the 11 hours we spent as boyfriend and girlfriend mean NOTHING to you, Andadler?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Honey he literally told you his name was an object in his line of sight. You deserve this.
gellaho: Don't really know how he knew that Wesley used to be a geek
GDC: Man. If you can't trust a drifter who's into high school girls, who can you trust?
NostraThomas TommyG: All right all right all right!
Brendan: I'd much rather kiss you than light a match to your bed is also Adam Driver's third-best line in GIRLS.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: He's.........upset this teenage girl has decided not to murder her friends and run away with a skeevy drifter and his greasy henchman? Well, thats what I expect from a dude who's idea of a good fake name is Cokebottle Remotecontrol.
gellaho: You still thought there was a possibility that he was a demon? Do you know how to tie your shoes?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Hahahahah I love that this book thinks we were taking the demon subplot seriously enough they needed to rule it out.
jakesy “the korf magician”: Lol; Good we finally ruled out demons
FancyShark: ...I was taking the demon subplot seriously
gellaho: I don't know how great a criminal Adler can be if his only partner is a drunk 16 year old
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "Oh and Max? Most of that shit? Not even my fault, yall are just shitty."
Even Badger will be smashed: Oh so everyone in this book was just an insane asshole offscreen the whole time? That's seriously the twist?
jakesy “the korf magician”: Next question: is he a Bigfoot
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: I admire your optimism that this book would be interesting after the last one.
gellaho: No, see, everyone completely changed personalities for no reason; It's called writing
GDC: Did we ever figure out the deal with the pirate ghost from the prologue?
gellaho: Oh, sorry, because Barbara suggested it
FancyShark: Hope never dies
gellaho: Which is basically the same thing
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "TEENS!" Screeches Kathryn as she is dragged away by the police for questioning.
Even Badger will be smashed: Ok so after we finish caging this book we need to hunt down Kathryn and make sure she's stopped writing
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: I assume it was Lobstor's dreadful henchman, The Red Herring.
gellaho: "Or it's because of the storm. Whatever"
Brendan: I call 'im Butch, but I saw his driver's license once. Rex, it said.
gellaho: It's high tide/storm flooded but that coral is still above the surface
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: To be fair alot of this is either how teens act or close to how adults in the 90s THOUGHT teens acted so Kathryn has put in SOME effort.
GDC: Does coral grow in spurs?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Less drinking than real teens.
FancyShark: I think she's squandered the right to be treated fairly
gellaho: Some fun for the kids
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: I think it just goes to show what a fuckin nutcase she is, that making teens believably teenish was her main focus instead of making a fun book to read.
FancyShark: Kids love tender flesh!
NostraThomas TommyG: Kathryn is three pages away from someone asking "sweet or savory flesh!"
Brendan: Young, tender flesh what keeps Butch juvenated
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "Hey kids, do you crave the tender flesh and blood of teen virgins? YOU DO?! WELL DO WE HAVE A BOOK FOR YOU!"
Even Badger will be smashed: I swear to god every time I look away this book changes genres.
GDC: Max has obviously never read Gerald's Game.
gellaho: Luckily Jerry was 12 drinks deep
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: It's like Kathryn got white girl drunk and watched part of a Hong Kong movie like Rich and Famous and took in "tonal whiplash" and nothing else.
FancyShark: Now this is Hydrox Nancy Drew
GDC: Wait he was drinking from a pint glass in a cave?
gellaho: "Wha? Adler, huh?"
FancyShark: He's not a savage
NostraThomas TommyG: Dollar General Hardly Boyz
Ozzie: I think a pint bottle of hard liquor
Brendan: It sliced his tendon. Rob will never fuck up piano again.
FancyShark: Rob had his heart broken too?; Adler, you slut
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Saltlamp Bagofcandy is a fuckin ninja.
gellaho: The only way Kathryn knows how to end a book is massive blood loss
gellaho
Even Badger will be smashed: Mom will kill me if I let someone murder my fuck brother!
FancyShark: Second time in as many books, their teacher is so fired
gellaho: "How should I end this? The same way as the last book! I am a genius"
NostraThomas TommyG: "I'm the only one who can penetrate my baby brother!"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Wes blasts Emptycup Mousepad with a shotgun, audience applauds.
gellaho: The eyes are really the only idea Kathryn had
FancyShark: See, this is why people from Ohio don't go to Florida to salvage Spanish galleon treasure
NostraThomas TommyG: You know, that was literally in a Mads streaming movie. This guy uses the last name Minor because there was a sign in the bar saying "no minors allowed"
Brendan: Evil is all the colors of the rainbow
gellaho: https://youtu.be/WmybXptjADo
Ozzie: Wait, shit, is he a demon after all now?
NostraThomas TommyG: I'm not lying
jakesy “the korf magician”: We still haven't ruled out that he's a cryptid
NostraThomas TommyG: Are you sure it's not; Hungry Eyes!
gellaho: Well now. Maybe we're getting somewhere
gellaho
Brendan: So they're pigpiling him, but he's crawling on his knees on rock, but she can also see his eyes from behind but also he's not using the knife he's slinging and crawling one-handed...
jakesy “the korf magician”: Wait what; Why are there chemicals
FancyShark: Florida chemical cave. Duh
NostraThomas TommyG: Chemical Vat; Oh dang, there's the origin story of like 6 Batman villains
Even Badger will be smashed: "No, not the cup, I might miss with it… I know! I'll throw this VAT OF BUBBLING ACID!!"
jakesy “the korf magician”: Ohhhhhhhhhhh I get it
GDC: The usual stuff you do with chemicals in Florida.
jakesy “the korf magician”: This is where the meth comes in
NostraThomas TommyG: Meth?; Scooped
Brendan: All of this because these kids wanted Adler to surrender his gas stove. Really makes you think.
gellaho: It's for the artifacts
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Silver polish, bathtub gin, and meth fixins. The normal things you bring to a treasure hunt where you murder teens.
Even Badger will be smashed: Pretty sure Kathryn is writing with either one hand or no brain at this point
Brendan: This is Florida, you guys could have made the bath salts joke instead.
gellaho: They'll get fucked up if you just take them out of the seawater after hundreds of years
NostraThomas TommyG: Or Meth
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: We're funnier than that.
gellaho: Plus all the barnacles and whatnot
NostraThomas TommyG: Are we?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Yes.
gellaho: Anyway, burning flesh
NostraThomas TommyG: I know
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Meth is way funnier than bath salts.
NostraThomas TommyG: Yup, Batman Villian
gellaho: Eh, they're all easy jokes
FancyShark: Dammit, now Adler's Daredevil
gellaho: And now he's Jason Voorhees
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "JESUS MAX! We had him outnumbered and shit! You didnt have to melt his face! Oh god the smell!"
Brendan: whoa
gellaho: "Not my backup option!"
gellaho
Brendan: this book really worked for consequential violence and then let Adler peer into the compression cannon
NostraThomas TommyG: CLIFF??
GDC: The cliffs of Florida.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Ibuprofen Ps4controller is really strong for a dude who just got his face melted.
Ozzie: If you get grappled by a blind guy like that, there's no helping you.
gellaho: What luck
Even Badger will be smashed: Well no shit he wasn't so lucky, Max threw a goblet of acid into his face
Ozzie: A mysterious twinkle? What the fuck is this supposed to mean?
gellaho: WASTE OF FUCKING WHAT, YOU STUPID CHILD
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Looks like you arent going to have to find a new inexplicable simp, Max.
FancyShark: Cut to Adler, his eyes impaled on coral, screaming in agony
Even Badger will be smashed: Dude was leaving this story looking like the Last Giant Lord either way
jakesy “the korf magician”: Hi, my name is D.X. Machina, I'm here to save you
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Prime dick. A waste of prime dick. That's what Kathryn is getting at.
Brendan: She'll never love instantly again
NostraThomas TommyG: You could have just clonked him on the head! Not melt his face!
gellaho: Abusive boyfriend to the rescue
gellaho
Even Badger will be smashed: She might have missed with the cup. The caustic liquid was clearly the better option
FancyShark: Mitch was the hero all along!
NostraThomas TommyG: Well then he'd still have his dreamy looks
NostraThomas TommyG: He's the smart one
gellaho: Didn't find his body, well surely that means he's coming back...
Ozzie: Distrusting all men in 40 feet was a better survival strategy than anything anyone else did.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: She'd better at least give Wes a handy in the Denny's parking lot in his truck or maybe next time he wont risk a violent death at the hands of her mysterious drifter boyfriend.
gellaho: Oh, wait there's only four pages left
NostraThomas TommyG: Batman will be punching his lights out pretty soon
Even Badger will be smashed: I can't wait for the parlor room wrap up
FancyShark: He's Florida shark food by now
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: He died, and is now at the bottom of the ocean being eaten by fishes to be pooped out for all the little poop eating fishes to eat.
Brendan: Dragging himself onto shore; No explanation about how he defied the rocks
gellaho: Aw he's a nerd again
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Only to be devoured by a medium sized seagull.
Even Badger will be smashed: We never even got to see the fucking galleon.
Brendan: He'll reappear as an ugly guy named...Dauber.
Even Badger will be smashed: I'm so mad.
gellaho: But it's the person inside that counts, right?
gellaho
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Sometimes the galleon is the secretly hunky boys you realized were hot along the way.
gellaho: Lol, j/k
Even Badger will be smashed: Hahaha Max is so fucking shallow. I hate her
gellaho: Disgusting nerds are gross and do not deserve love
FancyShark: "Seriously, I'll slash your throat in your sleep if you ever dare to be ugly again"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: God she is so fucking stupid for continuing to think it was all somehow supernatural that Wes isnt a lamentable dork slug.
gellaho: What luck
Brendan: Technically it's the person inside you that counts.
FancyShark: I'm sure he was thrilled that Mitch visited him in the hospital
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "He'll never walk again and he's been giving flash cards to relearn shapes and colors. He's gotten red, square and glorp so far."
gellaho: Boy, you sure are dumb
NostraThomas TommyG: See above arm tattoos
FancyShark: She's been through the Florida desert with a cat with no name
gellaho: Mixed? Are you fucking serious
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Max. Fuck off, you weird bitch. The cat has no name and that reminds you of your thirst for difter cock and his sinister plots?; Also that cat probably has a name.
FancyShark: Back up
GDC: The cat has a collar with it's name on it.
FancyShark: WRITING BAD CHECKS is a crime you had to pin on your villain, Kathryn?
gellaho: What a dumb and pointless subplot
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "Wrong for her" is more "Kind of a creep" not "Is a legit murderer" Kathryn. I know you're trying to have a message for young girls here but this is a weird way to put it.
GDC: One of her fondest memories will always be melting a guys face off.
Even Badger will be smashed: I'm having a realization here, gang.; This book is dogshit.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "Yeah my grandma has dementia, thanks for fucking prying, you ass."
FancyShark: Sounds like Herbert died from not wanting to be named Herbert anymore
Brendan: As Max made love to Wesley for the first time, she found herself thinking of their friend, Barbara, whose femur jutting out of her leg made it impossible for her to escape the fire that had turned her once-gorgeous red hair into literal flames of stinking, sizzling wicks.; That had been 12 hours earlier.
gellaho: "My self-confidence is worth another's death"
NostraThomas TommyG: Really?
Even Badger will be smashed: I know, I was surprised too
NostraThomas TommyG: Coulda knocked me off with a feather 🪶
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "Now nobody living knows I was fat.............wait shit. Max you're looking..........Flammable....Fuck I mean hot! Hot, you look hot today."
NostraThomas TommyG: With that sweet smell
FancyShark: I was joking that Max was just going to shrug at Barbara's funeral but I think that's in the cards
gellaho: Did she steal that from his hospital bed?
gellaho
Brendan: Boy, that Herbert thing went nowhere at all.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: "You know Zelda. I'm also kind of glad our classmates died or were badly injured too."
GDC: For the rest of her life Max will be unable to orgasm without the smell of cooking human flesh.
NostraThomas TommyG: That's her kink now
FancyShark: Finally, a relatable character
Brendan: Zelda, all of your friends died because they didn't like you and used you to cruelly bait Max.
gellaho: "It's so sweet how he told her to shut up!"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Lucy you should have gone Wes, Brodey isnt going to be eating solid foods for years.
Even Badger will be smashed: What a rich arc. "The class slut learns to not be so slutty". Daring and brave, Kathryn.
NostraThomas TommyG: A lesson for all teens
GDC: Mitch went on to be murdered for ripping off the cartels.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Max learned some Spanish too. CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!
NostraThomas TommyG: Mitch is Latino?
gellaho: And we end with this really strange bit of flirting
FancyShark: His torso would later wash up on shore. Since it wasn't Spanish treasure, it was ignored and picked apart by crabs.
Brendan: Barbara sounds like the actual hero of this book.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: And that boy? Joseph Robinette Biden.
Brendan: Mitch is a very anglo lady's idea of Latino; We stan a compact king
GDC: He was only identified thanks to his tattoo.
gellaho: We have defeated Demon's Beach
FancyShark: We did it!
NostraThomas TommyG: 🥳🥳🥳
Brendan: WHOO BOY
GDC: That was a rough one, good work everybody.
Even Badger will be smashed: At least this time there's a reason for the Gellahead to look so unsettlingly damp
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Fuck yeah. We held this books arms and took turns putting cigarettes out on its chest.
FancyShark: Great riffing, everyone!
Even Badger will be smashed: An extremely rough book, gang. Way to rise to the occasion, go us!
GDC: This book deserves the book dungeon.
gellaho: So concludes Episode 85 of The Book Cage
Brendan: Those were some dumb kids.
FancyShark: Thank you, @gellaho !
Brendan: That Mitch is no good.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: Hahahah fuck them kids.
Brendan: This book suggests there is a 7th, dead Planeteer.
Even Badger will be smashed: Thanks again, @gellaho !
gellaho: You know, I have a friend who recently got into biking. Unlike Brodey, I think he knows what he's doing though; B-B-B-Bonus
FancyShark: :yee:
Even Badger will be smashed: :SteeleYourself:; Biker Ape!
FancyShark: @Brockway ! NEW APE!
Brendan: Thanks for carrying us in your beach footprints, @gellaho Ride safe on the dunes of love.
FancyShark: BIKER APE!
Even Badger will be smashed: p.s. I will never not laugh at the itty bitty Photon in the teeny tiny corner cage
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: SWEET! THIS APE IS BADASS!
Brendan: Good meat, book dorks. I'd better not hear about you posing nude for Terry Richardson.
FancyShark: No promises; Have a good night, everyone!; See you tomorrow for Fight Night!
Proxy is: Velma: It's been so long since the ape gods blessed us! I was afraid they'd abandoned us to our sad, apeless fate
gellaho: You remember in the prologue where Kathryn pretended there was a being rising from the ocean with mind control powers?; That was weird
FancyShark: lol
Even Badger will be smashed: lmao, even
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage: I miss when Lobstor, The Spawn of the Deep was a beautiful vision we all shared.