85: Demon's Beach Nicole Davidson

Tags: The Year of Pain

Evil approaches...no one is safe.

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gellaho
The Book Cage Episode 85 Demon's Beach
This week we'll be doing something completely different. Just kidding. I said this year was about returning to pain, dillholes! We are going right back to Nicole Davidson/Kathryn Jensen/Kathryn Johnson with her series of dangerously horny teens. This time, were near my neck of the woods, Florida. One classroom's worth of teens from Ohio are heading down to a fake key to find treasure that just washed up on shore near their teacher's mother's house. What a coincidence! There's a spooky monster that causes the teens to act strangely...or something. They were already pretty stupid and strange to begin with. Join me this Friday, 5pm, when we encounter tropical treasure and key kreatures.
gellaho
Even Badger will be smashed
Hahaha I'm so fucking happy
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Sweet.
gellaho
Good luck finding anywhere in the Keys that's that far above sea level
FancyShark
"I'll get those meddling kids!" vowed the Prince of Lies
gellaho
This one is going to make me mad in particular because the kids are dumber and has clearly never been to the keys
FancyShark
Hell yes. Florida inside baseball from gellaho
gellaho
Fact #1: gold does not wash up on the beach
jakesy “the korf magician”
One thing we know for sure is they're known for their lime pies
And their parties, in the 70s
gellaho
Decided to look up White Key, which is where this supposedly takes place. There is a White Key in Florida
Only one teeny problem
gellaho
It's about four hours away from The Keys
jakesy “the korf magician”
Yeah but for $6.15 that's a steal
gellaho
Coming up on the hour, it's Demon's Beach. Here is the preview
FancyShark
She's new to ambushing, isn't she?
Even Badger will be smashed
ALONE… WITH A KILLER
so not alone, then
gellaho
Welcome to "Florida"
Brendan
And so it begins
...again
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Time to kick literacy's ass.
FancyShark
I hope these characters do better on the SATs
gellaho
A being emerges from the gulf
Even Badger will be smashed
Fuckin' Wide Window ass cliff house, they hold that shit up with stilts?
GDC
"It's"
FancyShark
And he's immediately mowed down by a jet ski
gellaho
Seems like something teens would be in charge of, sure
Even Badger will be smashed
Nicole don't like iiiit~
Rock the sandbar!
Rock the sandbar!
FancyShark
There's a weirdo with a metal detector off to one side pulling his hair out in fury
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
SO when does Dr. Grant scare the shit out of one of these teens with a historical relic based gutting?
gellaho
Seems to have some kind of mystical emotional powers. I'm sure that will end up making sense
Even Badger will be smashed
Hahah we're two pages in and we're already at psychic pirate POV. This author rules
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
The speaker is Lobstor, the Spawn of the Deep. Joy enrages him.
FancyShark
Vow of vengeance or person remarking on their spoiled fridge contents?
GDC
Come on, there's gotta be a scimitar in all that pirate gold somewhere
gellaho
Definitely going to make sense in the end
GDC
or an old timey pistol
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
This Leatherhead autobiography is already getting weird.
Even Badger will be smashed
As he sinks beneath the shallow waves
gellaho
Life is just so hard, you guys
GDC
Max hates the past
Even Badger will be smashed
Well get a fucking typewriter then, dummy
Why the heck are you doing stenography work by hand?
gellaho
So exotic
FancyShark
Max looked up with disdain as her mother screamed again in the agony of childbirth.
"Drama queen," she thought.
GDC
Exotic by Ohio standards, anyway.
FancyShark
Ohio Exotic is 1% instead of Skim
Brendan
Max, some guys just don't respond to hand stuff.
gellaho
Flawless system
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Max you know you're allowed to quit, right? You can pursue other after school activities, its not mandatory. Also you're from Ohio, you werent getting into a school where that matters anyway.
Also your shorthand sucks if nobody but you can read it without guessing.
Even Badger will be smashed
You know you're allowed to bring your typewriter to the meeting, right max?
Brendan
Pullin' to love airport!
FancyShark
You've resigned to losing anything of value if you're letting teenagers excavate a lost galleon
Even Badger will be smashed
This just seems like an unnecessary complication
gellaho
I'm not sure why they need checks if it's being paid for, but sure
Brendan
Teenagers make great lifeguards and terrible treasure hunters, that's beach fact.
gellaho
Classic nerd, not knowing things
gellaho
FancyShark
"Why are we paying teenagers to do this? Because that ship is soaked in black market narcotics"
Even Badger will be smashed
Good old Fort Johnson
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
A modest hourly wage means they'll get a dollar an hour and all the boiled eggs they can eat, and all the lemonade they can get as long as they are brave enough to venture into The Wasp Shack.
FancyShark
Wasp lemons are the best lemons
Brendan
Typical teens ignoring the far greater archeological value of the galleon.
gellaho
Classic cheerleader stereotype: being in the archeology club and paying attention to teachers
Even Badger will be smashed
Buzzy lil shack!
BUZ-ZY LITTLE SHACK!
gellaho
☑️ Redhead
FancyShark
"Nevertheless, Max made a note to dump pig blood on Wesley at the prom"
Even Badger will be smashed
Resistant to anesthetics and electricity! The killer will have to think creatively if he wants to get rid of this cheerleader
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Wesleys always get the short end of the stick but don't worry about him, Max. He's in line to be the next Dread Pirate Roberts.
gellaho
Nerdish goop
Even Badger will be smashed
:FuckApe:"Nerdish goop":FuckApe:
FancyShark
Garnier Fructese: For The Dork In Your Life
GDC
These are easily entertained kids
Even Badger will be smashed
Fellas is it nerdy to style your hair
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Jeez Max, describing his pomade as "Nerdish goop" doesnt make you very sympathetic either.
GDC
Unless Wesley made it himself
FancyShark
Only dorks care about their appearance
gellaho
Spending 8 weeks outside in the summer in Florida is certainly a choice
Brendan
Joke's on you, Barbara, that's Wesley's kink.
Even Badger will be smashed
"Endless beach" until the ocean levels rise, anyway
FancyShark
Eight weeks stealing artifacts while the locals watch sounds like the plan of an Indiana Jones villain
gellaho
Water pumps, baby
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Ohhhhh that's what the nerdish goop is! 🥛
Even Badger will be smashed
Or Indiana Jones
gellaho
High speed spider
Even Badger will be smashed
SPIDER IS APPROACHING AT ALARMING SPEEDS
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
High speed stealth bomb spider is pretty rad tho, MAX! Maybe you should be less of a shitty sister.
gellaho
"We are very boring siblings"
Even Badger will be smashed
Oh good, now I don't have to watch Encanto.
FancyShark
Rob has perfect pitch. I'm sure that will be useful when excavating a Spanish galleon
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Rob secretly HATES playing the piano, and wants to switch to a synthesizer. He's a huge Foreigner fan.
Even Badger will be smashed
In the third act he uses it to caulk the ship into being watertight and raise it out of the sea
GDC
When Rob thinks no one is looking he looks at a keytar catalog
gellaho
You know, the Vo-Tech
gellaho
Even Badger will be smashed
"Furtively" and "tossing" don't go together as logically as you think they do, Nicole
FancyShark
Barbara sounds like a mannequin that was set on fire
GDC
The shop class kids get carted around in a prison bus
gellaho
"Kids'll buy that one" - Kathryn
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Barbara has a sub, Barbara has a suuub!
FancyShark
"And naturally, no one has spotted the galleon because Florida is sparsely populated"
gellaho
"Just believe this story I wrote" - Kathryn
GDC
Mom is angrily out on the beach every day picking up pieces of eight and throwing them in the trash
FancyShark
"I'm not using you to commit fraud, children."
Even Badger will be smashed
If the manifest survived but the ship didn't, why didn't they just make the whole ship out of the manifest?
gellaho
And now, the nerd people like
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"ITS CALLED SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF, PHILISTINES!" - Kathryn, to her editor.
Even Badger will be smashed
Brodey the (mildly plump) Brain
FancyShark
Eye-hand coordination. That well-known phrase
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Alternate universe Chet.
Even Badger will be smashed
Wait hold the phone, this motherfucker just has a pocket computer?
The fuck are you still doing in high school, my man? Run your ass down to the patent office! Quit while you're ahead!
GDC
Sounds like he could do a lot better than ohio state
gellaho
And Zelda Chang, a create-a-character made randomly
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Her dad is from Kaifeng I guess, where they have a Jewish\Chinese enclave.
Even Badger will be smashed
"Representation is like meeting a quota, right? It can all be in one person as long as it's in there?" - Kathryn to her editor
FancyShark
Zelda "I think some character sheets were shuffled together" Chang
gellaho
And enviable breasts
FancyShark
Who doesn't envy breasts? They don't have to work
Even Badger will be smashed
I feel like either Max or Kathryn is projecting pretty hard here
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And most people like breasts. Near universal popularity.
FancyShark
Lucy will definitely get murdered
Even Badger will be smashed
Oh shit, she's a McGill
gellaho
Just put some underage nude photography rumors in here
gellaho
For the kids
Even Badger will be smashed
Is this the nexus event that gets Bob Odenkirk from Better Call Saul to Nobody?
GDC
'amateur photographer' is not the phrase i would use
Even Badger will be smashed
"He committed a federal felony and got the evidence published in a magazine"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Jeff Mason just wishes Lucy would forget ONCE to draw her curtains and is spreading rumors like a fuckass.
gellaho
Wesley is the Uberdork
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Brody should invent a machine to kick his ass.
Even Badger will be smashed
Haha Lucy definitely just checked out the class scrimblo and tried to style it out like she wasn't interested
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Man Wesley DID get the short end of the stick, he's not even smart enough to just be like "Well. That pencil is gone. Time to get another from MY POCKET PROTECTOR! Which I definitely have!"
gellaho
Yeah, really fucking wild
Even Badger will be smashed
THRILLS! CHILLS! SPILLS!
FancyShark
Then, when Lucy was distracted, Max crept up behind her and slit her throat like a total party animal
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Max.......you are made entirely of Wonder Bread.
gellaho
Oh, no, not corruption in the homecoming court! Is nothing sacred?!
Floygen
Dork reporting for duty, let's see those books
Even Badger will be smashed
I guarantee you no one in this high school except the ludicrously self absorbed gives a shit about homecoming court
FancyShark
The last time gossip spread in Ft. Johnson, it was about the Furgusons not sorting their recycling
Agent of Fortune
shit I forgot about this, what did I miss?
gellaho
Probably just be seeing clouds there
GDC
People might lose faith in the prom monarchy and revolt
FancyShark
Teenage drama and blandness
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"The right price" is a night of lesbian poetry and lovemaking and this is code to throw off the teacher
Even Badger will be smashed
If you're running a pay for play scheme over something as small as fucking homecoming, the only losers here are you and the people who actually give you money
Agent of Fortune
Sweet that's my favorite
Floygen
A spider web river would actually look fucking sick
No notes
gellaho
If they were chased by tax agents, it'd be because they didn't pay their taxes. Not because they wanted the artifacts
Floygen
Pictured: Mrs. D
Even Badger will be smashed
Oh because just the state of Florida is going to be upset that you're plundering a cultural landmark.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Max. Learn the vital life skill of SHUT THE FUCK UP, NARC!"
GDC
"Not if you keep your mouth shut", replied the teacher
FancyShark
Just screaming out loud on an airplane about their graverobbing
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"The Man won't know if you keep your ham hole shut, Max."
gellaho
So, fun fact, this had already been solved by the time this book was written
gellaho
gellaho
There's a guy named Mel Fisher who pulled up a bunch of stuff out of a wrecked galleon. He's got a museum in Key West where they still sell stuff from it
Agent of Fortune
BUREAUCRACY
gellaho
Floygen
'If you didn't get the hint by now, you're doing my tax brackets. Ta ta!'
Even Badger will be smashed
Who Plunders the Plunderers?
FancyShark
Archaeologists always appreciate people doing their work for them
GDC
Especially high school kids
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
SUCK IT, STATE ARCHEOLOGISTS! SCORE ONE FOR FREEDOM!
"Those artifacts belong in a private collection!"
Even Badger will be smashed
Salvors isn't even a word. Bonus fuck this guy
FancyShark
Kathryn has really stupid ideas of what teachers can do, especially given that she's a substitute
Even Badger will be smashed
All this has taught me is that we were right to distrust substitutes
gellaho
Listen, if they had hundreds of years to dig up this stuff
Max is disappointed that she has to be the secretary, even though that is her job
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Kathryn is one of those substitutes who, on her first day, was like "No I'm gonna do something FUN and interactive! THROW OUT YOUR TEXTBOOKS CHILDREN! ITS MAGIC MOTHERFUCKIN SCHOOLBUS DAYYYYYYY!" and then after that shit turns out to be tiresome just puts a VHS into a player and the class watches a movie.
FancyShark
Max has a very Ohio idea of how fun splashing in the surf can be
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Wesley you human chicken slurry bucket, who pushes their glasses with a knuckle and not the tip of their finger?!
gellaho
This gives me the distinct impression that Kathryn doesn't realize Spaniards are white
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Mitch Diego" has big Latin Pool Boy energy for a name.
FancyShark
"Hi. I think you're foreign but attractive!"
gellaho
And his homely girlfriend
gellaho
Even Badger will be smashed
Buzz buzz, Mitch Diego
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Hello, I am Mitch Diego, boyfriend to your teachers niece and sexual tyrannosaurus."
GDC
"The Fort Johnson type" is an interesting euphemism for 'white'.
gellaho
Seems like a pleasant family
FancyShark
They're from Ohio, Mitch. They don't understand foreigny words like "si"
Brendan
I actually know a guy named Wei-San Tjong who had this background. His email handle was "Weibraham Tjongstein"
Floygen
She was a rather plain Jane, with her almost impossible supermodel physique and exuberant wardrobe
Even Badger will be smashed
Can't imagine why this dude wouldn't be chipper about sending high schoolers to drown at high tide for a little Spanish gold
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Um fuck you, I can use whatever language I want, you hag. I dont give a fuck if my girlfriends aunt invited these assholes."
gellaho
Yes, Max they decided to build a highway that would flood. Because Florida is not known for being wet
Floygen
'No, I was saying 'see,' and pointing towards the tide, you dicks'
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Mitch Diego doesnt NEED your approval Mrs. Dwyer.
gellaho
It's also not his house, so it's a real weird thing to say
FancyShark
Florida's infrastructure crumbles under Max's innocuous question
GDC
If it flooded every tide it would have taken twice as long to build
Floygen
The good old Clone Wars approach to dialogue padding
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Many MORE nonwhite people would have died building it.
gellaho
There are not cliffs
Even Badger will be smashed
The cliffs of Florida, much like the mountains of Illinois
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Ah yes, the famous Black Cliffs of Florida.
Florida, being famously possessed of a high altitude.
gellaho
Keys aren't that big, and there going to be spending a lot of time on the beach. How would there be both
Ignoring the fact that Florida is mostly limestone
GDC
Why were they worried about the tide if they're on a cliff?
FancyShark
I'm starting to think Kathryn confused Florida with Argentina
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Or possibly Britain.
Floygen
'Tide' is just shorthand slang for 'typhoon' in their idiot circle
gellaho
You don't know what limestone is, do you Kathryn
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Soon one of the Ohio kids will ask "So you can see France from here, right?"
Even Badger will be smashed
This really feels like when someone made a fantasy novel about the whimsical magical realm of "Antigua"
Brendan
Lime-green miniskirt is the Key West LBD
FancyShark
The lush cacti and pine trees of Key West
Brendan
State archeologists are always so grateful when you dismantle irreplaceable history by hand with your mob of teens, saving them precious hours of work.
Floygen
I hated this part of Red Dead Redemption 2
gellaho
Looking good
FancyShark
This HGTV show sucks
Even Badger will be smashed
Made up for it with the big cannon tho
GDC
"this is the garage", said mitch
Floygen
Has Rob even said anything yet? Is he actually a character?
gellaho
Such ugly trees
Even Badger will be smashed
Max would later go on to ghostwrite The Happening
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Fuck offff with your foreshadowing hindsight Kathryn. You hack.
GDC
Max learned an important lesson about mortality that summer
Floygen
'Hello reader. In this book, magic trees kill people. No, wait, don't leave, please'
gellaho
Kathryn briefly remembers this is supposed to be horror
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
She's from Ohio, and in the 90s. She knows at least one person who died of an overdose and more than one who got pregnant and had to drop out.
What kind of person gets the wibblies from clawed chair legs?
Floygen
No wonder the trees are so deadly. You know how hard it is to find mahogany these days?
FancyShark
Because a house like that would definitely be standing in the Keys
gellaho
Classic sibling banter
gellaho
Max seems exhausting
Floygen
'They think teenagers only have sex on their minds. And by they, I mean I, and only I. What?'
gellaho
Engage Robo-Mom 9000
FancyShark
Max would sometimes get out the burlap sack where she kept the souvenirs from her boyfriends. Most had rotted away
Brendan
I'm not interested in the stout mahogany's feet, I want to know how enviable that chair's breasts are
Even Badger will be smashed
Max has not yet figured out that settling is an option.
GDC
Yeah, those seventh grade boys are all looking to settle down and start a family so quickly
Floygen
'Uh, Mrs. Dwyer, can we go home? The murder trees are making us horny'
Even Badger will be smashed
Speak for yourself, go back to the table feet :FuckApe:
gellaho
Pointless mystery is back, baby!
Even Badger will be smashed
Aww, Dweebenheimer was trying to confess his love. What a dipstick
FancyShark
He was working up the courage to say he screams in his sleep
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Shut the fuck up with your mysterious bullshit, Wesley, you unsauced mound of pulled pork shaped like a man.
Floygen
:nerds:
GDC
Let's see if he lives to tell his secret.
Even Badger will be smashed
I really hope he doesn't
FancyShark
I hope his secret is he doesn't like the club they're in
gellaho
The teacher's mom tells a story about a monster that haunts the beach
gellaho
You can probably figure out how it goes on your own
FancyShark
I assume it purchased a Florida timeshare, got drunk on margaritas and wrecked its galleon?
Even Badger will be smashed
"The mists of time hide his birth" is a really weird way to say you lost his birth certificate, Ms D
GDC
This is an allegory, the demon is meth
Brendan
GREETINGS TRAVELER
gellaho
The teens are incredible wimps
Brendan
Garth already wrote this story in DUBLOON DU BLOOD
mackmiserable
can we give Dean Learner a book OK?!
FancyShark
Teens are horrified by tales of property line disputes
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Yeah Max. Duh, of course its just a story. Psychic lobster gods dont exist."
Even Badger will be smashed
Hahaha look at this Karen try to mythologize past generations of white people kicking the shit out of the people who lived here before
Brendan
Pretty sure Dean killed the actress who plays Liz.
He gets no book except "If I Did It"
gellaho
maaaaaaaaaaaannnnn
FancyShark
@mackmiserable , are you joining us for book cage?
gellaho
It was a bunch of natural disasters, but thanks for playing
mackmiserable
i have to admit i have no idea what any of that stuff means 🙂
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Kathryn writes the shitty girls alot better and more naturally than she writes anything else, so I think we can say which camps she landed in or would have liked to.
gellaho
Meanwhile, Wesley is HOT
FancyShark
Gellaho's reading a book and we're riffing it. You're welcome to join us! Happens every Friday
gellaho
Snake
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Wesley you spineless lump of sun bleached horse meat, when someone could get hurt you NEED TO TALK.
FancyShark
What a natural way to say he clawed at the snake
gellaho
"Ignore that he already opened his eyes" - Kathryn
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Wesley you half awake boneless chicken carcass, this is how you get bitten by snakes.
Dream snakes doubly.
mackmiserable
might join another time that sounds rad
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
It's your fucking spirit guide, pay heed to its ancient wisdom.
FancyShark
Wesley really can't handle a backed-up toilet, can he?
Brendan
How awkward for Lucy that Wesley's incubus looks nothing like her.
gellaho
Zelda broods about how she used to be fat
Brendan
Zelda, if they don't like you no matter what, it's not your fatness getting in the way of your friendship.
It's their inability to eroticize the thicker woman.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Zelda you are probably not popular now, given your earlier mumblings about how people are the real monsters.
Even Badger will be smashed
This is a lot of plates to have spinning right before the pirate treasure murderer shows up
FancyShark
Stealing treasure is the perfect time to gain weight and lose popularity
gellaho
This is a great relationship
gellaho
Brendan
Shipping Wesley/Zelda from here on out.
Even Badger will be smashed
"That's the last time I'm going to tell you I love you" is an. Interesting line to draw in this relationship
Brendan
Greetings, Denise. It is I, your boyfriend Mitch Spanish. Despite my glittering eyes, I am not this how you say drug dealer.
FancyShark
Nice of Kathryn to make the Latino guy a drug user
GDC
Denise, you literally have sunken treasure washing up on the beach. Put two and two together
gellaho
A very healthy relationship
Brendan
"Garbled" to whom, gringa?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"No of course I am not doing the selling or useing of the drugs. I switched to gun running. For the IRA."
Brendan
God, Mitch, get your hot Latin blood under control.
gellaho
MUST CONSUME
FancyShark
Courtesy is not murdering men who say hi to your girlfriend
mmmmmm. Limestone orange juice
Brendan
Mrs. Franklin wants them all to sink to the seafloor in sacrifice to the spirit of the island.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Just a polite stabbing with a switchblade stiletto. Like a gentleman would use.
Ozzie
Love that fresh-squeezed Florida Sunny D
gellaho
Secret hot nerd alert
Even Badger will be smashed
Mrs. Franklin and I are in agreement, just not on the sacrifice thing
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Mrs. Franklin is related to Obed Marsh, calling it.
Even Badger will be smashed
I can name one rigid muscle that's not relaxing
FancyShark
Wesley has a lot of experience rubbing with lotion
gellaho
A very goopy book
FancyShark
"And I'm down to watch"
Even Badger will be smashed
"A one-eyed monster, if you will"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Wesley you turgid lump of grub beef, you were ripped the whole time?
FancyShark
Kathryn wrote The Dark Pictures games, didn't she?
gellaho
MORE unnecessary mystery! More!
Brendan
It's gonna turn out Wesley wanted to warn Max that her fair complexion left her quite vulnerable to equatorial sun damage
He was just relieved to see her applying.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Wesley needs to join the Tank Top Army.
Even Badger will be smashed
Couldn't be. Salim was too nuanced and cool
FancyShark
Eight weeks with someone you suspect has a fragile grip on reality. No red flags there.
gellaho
I guess Max is so pale she's being microwaved by the sun
Ozzie
Fully translucent
FancyShark
Burning the bones a healthy shade of brown
Even Badger will be smashed
That well known Mariah Carey song whose lyrics we shall not repeat
gellaho
"How dare you look at my homely mujer"
Even Badger will be smashed
He's interacted with Brodey for like two seconds and instantly escalated to the Goldberg spear? Maybe it's not the drug use that was the problem with this dude
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
YEAH FIGHT THE GENIUS!
Kick him in the head until he is of average intelligence!
FancyShark
Careful, Mitch! He might build a computer at you!
gellaho
"Fruited gelatin," something a human would definitely say
Even Badger will be smashed
I hope the climax is Brodey using his megamind to analyze Mitch's fighting style to the point of being inbvulnerable
Brendan
Swollen??
Even Badger will be smashed
Just this, up and down the beach
FancyShark
Mitch is a puffer fish. Confirmed
GDC
Fruited Gelatin sounds like some thing Mo would post in Mouth Hole Enthusiasts
gellaho
Cocaine drugs
Brendan
Not the bounce of a woman running down the beach you were expecting, WAS IT, horny teens?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"No, burgers are more important than talking down your near homicidal cokehead boyfriend, DENISE!"
FancyShark
Yep. The way to get rid of a cocaine-fueled blood haze is to sit down for a minute
Even Badger will be smashed
Just fucking sprinting down the coastline with a Jello mold in front of her
Brendan
Denise flirts with other guys because nothing gets her hotter than Mitch kicking their ass for talking to her.
gellaho
Later, a boy appears
gellaho
Even Badger will be smashed
"long down the back of his neck"
Brendan
Enter the murderer
Even Badger will be smashed
Short everywhere else tho
FancyShark
"Hello. I am Sexy Notthekiller"
Even Badger will be smashed
"I'm recording information, hello hew-mon boy"
gellaho
Ah, a drifter who knows about these artifacts
gellaho
Not suspicious at all
FancyShark
Key-hopping?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Hello, it says here in the script I'm going to take your virginity? That seems awkward."
Even Badger will be smashed
Ah, back when you could job hobo to afford college
GDC
He travels via raft with a little sail on it
gellaho
Teacher decides to give this strange homeless boy she knows nothing about a job
gellaho
gellaho
I guess she's trying to lose her job?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Yup, i'm just a young, crunchy dude doing some rambling in the wonderful Florida weather before college."
gellaho
Otherwise, why?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Played by a young Owen Wilson.
FancyShark
These books must be elaborate fantasies Kathryn has about how a teacher gets fired so a substitute can have a full-time job
Even Badger will be smashed
Either she loses her job because of all the kiddy death or she peels the fuck outta town with a trunkful of pirate gold. Either way is a win-win
Brendan
Well, you're blonde, I guess we can trust you with this unregistered precious lucre
GDC
"I'll pay you as little as possible to handle these valuable artifacts, unknown drifter. I am smart."
gellaho
Max, also a moron, decides he's boyfriend material
FancyShark
Adler doesn't need college. He has a full planetarium to manage.
Brendan
So, Adler, what kind of, um, stuff do you like?
Even Badger will be smashed
I wouldn't trust anyone with a last name for a first name for anything longer than a one night stand
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
okay but Max is a tiresome teenage girl from Ohio, so of course the random older guy bumming around the beach in Florida is a turn on.
FancyShark
"SOULLLLLLSSSSSS"
gellaho
The Strangeness: somebody falling down
Even Badger will be smashed
haha eat shit Barbara
No seriously, when does the murdering start
FancyShark
Cheerleaders really are klutzes
Brendan
Not so popular NOW, are you, Barbara??
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
OH NO! Someone get her sub to help her up!
gellaho
The nerd randomly shows up with a motorcycle. If you are wondering why, I don't know
Even Badger will be smashed
Oh I know this scene. He's from TMZ
gellaho
You remember the last book where one person died
Keep your expectations there
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahahaha Brodey rules.
Even Badger will be smashed
I mean, surely there'll be a murder soon, right
FancyShark
Bathing suit while riding a motorcycle. His legs are probably fine
Brendan
I dunno Brodey
gellaho
Vroom vroom
Brendan
Well, goodbye Suzuki, I guess.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Brodey about to steal Mitch's girlfriend for that ass kicking earlier.
Ride off laughing on his sweet bike.
GDC
I hope Mitch likes hot tire
gellaho
"Key West is only two hours away, can't believe nobody missed me for that long. Almost seems negligent"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"What is he doing?" Max whispered.
"Getting laid." Said everyone else.
FancyShark
Brodey, you're on sand
Even Badger will be smashed
"Six hundred pounds of speeding fury" is how Steven Seagal describes himself on his resume
GDC
Sure brodey, blame the bike
gellaho
This abrupt attitude change is definitely going to be explained later. Definitely.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
His megabrain forgot to account for bad traction.
Even Badger will be smashed
My god, of course!
It's his evil twin brother Drobey!
GDC
Lucy returns with second degree burns on her inner thighs
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Max its no wonder you're a thirsty boyfriendless virgin, if asking you if you want a ride on a cool bike is being a pervert.
FancyShark
I think Kathryn wanted "cool guy" but her definition of cool translated to "nerd"
gellaho
Brodey getting a little fresh
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Lucy is getting railed in the sand, MAX, like a popular girl. MAX.
FancyShark
He tried to kiss you?! That BITCH!
gellaho
These are some pretty cool siblings
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahahahah oh shit Kathryn upping the stakes with light kissing.
Even Badger will be smashed
"I'll strip nude for my pederast sugar daddy's magazine money, but I draw the line at uninitiated kissing!"
Brendan
I think it's pretty obvious Brodey got bonked on the head with a coconut and became Chazz Brodiotti
FancyShark
At this rate, they might end up HOLDING HANDS!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Lol I knew those rumors werent true. Rob's a gobshite little fibber.
gellaho
Further adventures of the world's worst teacher
Brendan
ESH
"Lucy, you slut, you can't turn a man down when you've been naked with a different man last year."
FancyShark
hahahahaha
GDC
"You let me keep the bike, and I won't rat you out to the board"
FancyShark
Kathryn always gets told by students that their normal teachers let them do stupid shit and she believes them
gellaho
Brodey came in the cave
Brendan
"I said I CAME on a CANE in a CAVE"
"Or maybe I stuck my cane in a cave and came? GET OFF MY BACK MOM"
GDC
"Mitch sold me some coCAINE"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Kathryn writes Mrs. Dwyer like shes my high school teacher who took some seniors to a titty bar on their senior trip.
Even Badger will be smashed
Brodey's really working out some issues on this field trip
gellaho
Barbara is in a slapstick comedy
Brendan
"I CAVED to peer pressure and now I'm a jerk"
gellaho
Because that's terrifying
Brendan
For Barbara's own safety, we're going to have to cut off her toes.
Even Badger will be smashed
Is- Is barbara okay? does she have dizzy hedgehog syndrome?
Brendan
ENTER REX MORAN
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Wesley infected Barbara with Urkelitus.
Even Badger will be smashed
He passed the curse onto her. It's like the It Follows monster
FancyShark
I need a jaunty and rapid piano number every time Barbara falls
gellaho
"I can't believe Lucy's not a slut anymore"
Even Badger will be smashed
she wanders into the room and ragtime starts playing ominously in the distance
Ozzie
It's Nathan
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Max you are fuckin judgy as shit, maybe the curse will make you less of a prick.
FancyShark
Wait, the demon is making them invert personalities?
Even Badger will be smashed
Sick premise, tbh
Shounen Ass Ramb$ne Gracie
maybe this curse will make Max rad
Ozzie
So Max is going to not fantasize about fucking but then immediately go for it when there's a dude?
gellaho
They She's-All-That'd him!
gellaho
Sick slam on that nerd, who's also him
FancyShark
"Also, Rob's dead"
"Now who wants it every which way from Wes?"
Even Badger will be smashed
If Rob is getting inverted does that mean we have to start calling him Bob now
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
lol good self-deprecative humor there, you heap of imitation crab.
gellaho
"Maybe it's a sick prank, sis"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Max......why are you suspicious tho? Do you think Wesley murdered someone for their drip?
Even Badger will be smashed
Oh no wait, I get it now. This is the beach Christine the demon car washed up on after they ran her through an industrial grinder and now her pieces have adopted all these kids at once.
FancyShark
If Inverted Mitch is just White Mitch, I'm leaving
Even Badger will be smashed
Now they'll have to fight to the death to become the true partner of the evil car.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Or maybe Max, you just dont know these people as well as you think and they're doing something different.
Brendan
Was anyone surprised that Wesley would be the next one to Stefan Urquelle?
FancyShark
Honestly, yeah
gellaho
Classic pianist, that Sting was
Brendan
That's when they kissed
Ozzie
He was already ripped, all they did was take his glasses off and bathe him.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Nah of course he would, the instant they said he was secretly jacked he was due for being sexy.
Because kids love Elton John and Sting.
FancyShark
Rob has a ham for a heart? He'll be dead in seconds
gellaho
Kathryn had the pulse on popular music
gellaho
Shounen Ass Ramb$ne Gracie
max is going to fight the demon because she feels left out
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
You gotta believe in the Heart of the Ham.
Shounen Ass Ramb$ne Gracie
everyone is very happy with these demon changes but she's gonna ruin it for everyone
Brendan
Max has more chemistry with her own brother than she does with her Chemistry Club.
Even Badger will be smashed
Okay so just to be clear, this is still sister and brother, right? the only ones here with actual chemistry are the immediate blood relatives?
gellaho
Creepy
Brendan
She's gonna look in the mirror and envy her own breasts. BIG changes afoot on Key...EAST???
Even Badger will be smashed
Oh don't say she stiffened, Kathryn
Shounen Ass Ramb$ne Gracie
oh so this is a light novel?
Even Badger will be smashed
Please don't pile that on on top of everything else
Brendan
Adler is Max's non-cest beard
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Max has a girl boner, Max has a girl boner!
gellaho
Still creepy
FancyShark
If Adler turns into Billy Zane, this will all be worth it
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Transmuting Owen Wilson to Billy Zane would make so many problems in the world better.
gellaho
Rob gets the yips
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"No I can't play if it seems like my sister is going to get laid."
FancyShark
"Do not touch the musician or I'll take more drugs"
gellaho
Walk with me, a drifter you barely know, instead of consoling your brother
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Adler is a beach vampire.
Calling it.
In league with Lobstor.
FancyShark
"Children of the night, what music they make"
[seagulls screech]
gellaho
Jesus Christ, Max
FancyShark
Oh, okay. This is a romantic comedy
Brendan
Mitch is legitimately scary abusive
Like not even an INCH
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Max is later going to blame this on being cursed to sluttyness.
Even Badger will be smashed
Is. Is the horror coming from the puberty subtext? Is that the them here?
gellaho
It's so hot how he talks about his pay check
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Alot of girls that age blame these things on island curses.
Brendan
"What? With y--Max, this is our first real conversation, why would you think I meant--"
Even Badger will be smashed
"I need to wake up my boss to talk about my pay" is definitely a plausible cover story
Brendan
The town my Ma grew up in is actual Podunk country.
FancyShark
"I meant with Wesley! Why would you think I meant you?"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yeah but is it cover for the one to one half of a murder or is Adler just hot for teacher?
FancyShark
Negligence gets him hot
gellaho
"That strange drifter isn't a stranger!"
gellaho
Ozzie
If I ever told a girl "I'll be up after you in a moment, I have to wake up your teacher for my money", she would know she was being fully blown off.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
God Max your piano dork brother is right, you are cruising for a really lamentably unforgettable summer of bad sex and VD.
gellaho
"Could my brain be trying to tell me something?"
"Nah."
gellaho
Even Badger will be smashed
FancyShark
Feelings of impending doom are just part of being in Florida
Ozzie
I had to scroll back up because the book definitely said he had golden eyes before.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Max, why would you think its important to notice someones eye color in a dream? This kind of shit is why you're single and considering fucking a college age beach bum.
gellaho
Wesley continues his mutation out of nerd
gellaho
How dare you remember plot details
Even Badger will be smashed
This is a fake memory. Wesley has never raked out a stall in his life
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Now now. He IS from Ohio.
FancyShark
Crap. I just realized that if people are getting inverted and Lucy is now a prude, that probably means the photo rumor is true
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
If something sucks you can do it in Ohio.,
gellaho
It's too bad his transformation didn't happen earlier. Max is too busy dating a hobo
Ozzie
So he's brimming with confidence and that equates to wishing he could tell a girl he likes her.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
On the bright side once Adler has totally disappointed her in the sack, Wesley can swoop in.
Her expectations will never be lower.
gellaho
Kathryn really understands teen girls
Ozzie
Thank God that says "throat"
GDC
Wes can only talk to women if they're swooning.
gellaho
This is a very believable situation
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Wesley you pale ham golem, you could have done this anytime.
FancyShark
The real question is: are they actually changing or is this all illusion?
Brendan
Kinda late for us to find out Wesley is a farmwork, corn-finished hunk defending himself against three teen boys considering all we knew was "invented raspberry pi for THE Ohio State University." thus far.
GDC
You could have avoided years of torment by whipping your shirt off in math class.
Even Badger will be smashed
If this isn't a personality inversion plot then what the goddamn fuck is supposed to be happening here
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Also now that you're hot you can set your sights higher than "Shitty girl who thinks you're a pitiable dork and hates that you arent anymore, and thinks its witchcraft or something."
gellaho
Just what you want on a hot Florida day. A pizza oven
Brendan
I barely survived one brother in a different room, Lucy in the scorn with D-cups wouldn't be scary after fighting three.
FancyShark
I like how the lost treasure of the Spanish galleon plot thread has been completely abandoned
Brendan
Mmmmm, that GOOD Key West homemde pizza
gellaho
The inventor was the other nerd, Brodey
Brendan
You can't have TWO nerds
Even Badger will be smashed
I mean, who turns down pizza
FancyShark
oh right. Wesley's entire personality was "loser"
Ozzie
We're too busy seeing Wesley get everything Nathan would've died for.
FancyShark
Kathryn cheated
Brendan
It'd be like making the popular cheerleader not the slut, or putting a SECOND plain jane in a bunch of clubs.
jakesy “the korf magician”
I see all I've missed so far are teenage boners
FancyShark
Sexy bad boy with motorcycle is Inverted Brodey
jakesy “the korf magician”
Par for the course with this author
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yup. Not a hint of Lobstor, Spawn of the Deep.
gellaho
Rob is definitely looking forward to getting murdered by Mitch
Brendan
This Lobstor joke has legs
At least six of em
FancyShark
Meanwhile, Barbara has fallen down nine staircases
gellaho
GDC
Brodey is going to end up as a meat crayon after a bad spill in his bathing suit.
Brendan
Brodey is going Key-fer Sutherland
gellaho
This is going to end well
Brendan
The most incipient form of Sutherland
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Max just now pitching in to defend Barbara despite Barbara being a cruel bitch back home.
Max is a real lover of the status quo.
gellaho
Just some great kids
FancyShark
Inverted Barbara is a klutz
jakesy “the korf magician”
Somebody's going to get the Mrs D
FancyShark
I just realized
GDC
I think spending the summer in a neck brace would teach her humility.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yes hang Barbara with a garden hose, Adler. Much quicker than jumping off a roof.
Brendan
At least if these kids start getting murdered the inverted cops will show up quickly to take brave action.
jakesy “the korf magician”
They're in it for the swamp pizza
gellaho
Seems to be going great
FancyShark
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
All it took to shatter Barbara's mind was tripping a couple times over a weekend.
jakesy “the korf magician”
Does the author know that cheerleading and gymnastics are different things
gellaho
Wheeeeeeeeee
FancyShark
CANNONBALLLLLLL!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Nerve tearing is what Barbara is experiencing now, literally.
gellaho
Her eyelashes are red?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Enjoy being the sad cheerleader in the wheelchair at the bottom of the pyramid Barb.
FancyShark
Barbara insists her leg is fine and tries another cartwheel off the house
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
You only broke a leg, geez. Unless you're part horse you'll cheer again.
GDC
Dwyer has excellent bedside manner.
gellaho
More mystery, more!
Even Badger will be smashed
"I have no idea 😉 what possessed 😉 you!"
Ozzie
The carpet matches the eyelashes
gellaho
Later, MORE MYSTERY
FancyShark
Inverting Zelda is going to take forever with all her traits
Ozzie
I agree that miscommunication is a good source of conflict but I disagree that this means characters should just loudly announce that they're being withholding before walking out of the scene.
GDC
Zelda is going to be... Not Asian?
FancyShark
And not Jewish. And not not quite fat. And not introverted. And not insecure
Brendan
More golden than crimson, in my experience, but yeah.
gellaho
I can't imagine who's stealing stuff
FancyShark
Oh no! The teenagers didn't secure the artifacts! The archeologists are going to be so miffed!
Ozzie
He didn't bring a bag? He's just walking back with silverware in his pants?
Brendan
nice! now he's protected against the demon possessing him to become a thief.
Even Badger will be smashed
Dude put as much planning into this treasure heist as Beni from The Mummy
gellaho
Jerry seems fun
Even Badger will be smashed
by which I mean "almost none"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I see I didnt miss much after Barbara shattered her leg and her dreams.
Brendan
She can still play rugby!
GDC
And now she knows when it's about to rain when her knee acts up.
gellaho
Everyone in this book is such a weenie
gellaho
FancyShark
"I should warn you, that wasn't cocaine. You just inhaled about a pound of Ajax"
NostraThomas TommyG
"My sinuses are REALLY clear"
GDC
They're drinking wine from the sunken galleon.
It's still good!
gellaho
Brodey out here hacking the planet
gellaho
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Never trust a Jerry in a criminal enterprise. The Jerry is a spineless person, prone to ratting. You're just setting yourself up to have an informant.
Even Badger will be smashed
Bwuh-
What???
We're hacking governments now?!
jakesy “the korf magician”
Buddy you don't need any skills to get into Ohio state
Floygen
I left for an hour to deal with a work issue and we've gone from horny death trees to cyber hacking
FancyShark
So you're worried Barbara will slip a disk to the FBI? Hahaha, it's funny because she'll never walk again
jakesy “the korf magician”
Fuckin safety school's safety school right there
gellaho
Brodey goes out joyriding at 3am without a helmet because he is very smart
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahahahaha you poor asshole, you invented a pocket computer 20 years early and your school of choice is Ohio State.
Brendan
All this took was a 2400 modem and a knowledge of what cd /b >dir does
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
He forgot to comment his message out, thats all.
Even Badger will be smashed
It's rare that a movie is better than the book but so far Cabin in the Woods is way better than the source text
FancyShark
Adler's inversion aura has a radius. That's good to know
jakesy “the korf magician”
gellaho
The truck got him
NostraThomas TommyG
Where's the hillbilly murder family with the husband bulge
Even Badger will be smashed
Absolutely did not guess Brodey would be the first one dead
FancyShark
Died on the cliffs of Florida
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I was beginning to think this wouldnt have a body count AT ALL!
Even Badger will be smashed
I think at this point that's either Mitch or Jerry
gellaho
So it's 70 degrees?
Floygen
This is my first exposure to the character of Brody - violently impaled through the head by jagged stones
FancyShark
You live in an arid desert, right?
Brendan
In retrospect it was a mistake to hook the DC capitol traffic lights up to the ALL-GOVERNMENT mainframe
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
The famously cold Florida nights.
Brendan
Shame on you all for not emojing this
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Wesley is just trying to jackhammer Max tho, get it all hot in there and maybe she'll take off her jacket.
FancyShark
Haven't seen it yet!
gellaho
73 and humid, brrrrrr
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Meanwhile I'm sweating just thinking about it being over 70.
Brendan
I want brodey's obituary to be the inverse of that "Guy who got shot after a lifetime of crime was talking about turning things around" story you always see.
FancyShark
It's 20 degrees here and I'm looking forward to it being warm enough to not freeze the air into knives
gellaho
Fucking fake nerd
Brendan
I want "Pleasantly plump computer dork had recently brought down the U.S. government" obituary
He only tried to War Games but he accidentally Mr. Roboted
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I wish it was that cold all year here.
NostraThomas TommyG
It's 50 degrees here in Long Island. I thought it was winter
Floygen
"This time, he was pushed too far... off a cliff, face-first into a bed of sharp stones"
FancyShark
"Bro killed just when he was gonna get crunked. Total bummer. Also hacked the popo."
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
YEAH GET SOME WES YOU GROUND HOTDOG IN A SKIN SUIT!
Your taste is shit but shoot your shot my guy.
jakesy “the korf magician”
Now he's going to a mediocre state school where he's going to get stuffed into a locker by Cardale Jones
Ozzie
He could still be alive, maybe his skull inverted into not getting powdered by high speed collisions,
Even Badger will be smashed
"You should like me instead" as a pickup line is a real Chad move tbh
gellaho
Max, you just fall in love with any handsome teen that wanders near you, don't you?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Just dont turn into an incel when Max reveals she's a judgy pain in the balls.
FancyShark
Uh oh. Max is turning into a liquid
Floygen
As we all know, we can't possibly see eyes through glasses. It's not like the whole point of non-polarizing or tinted glasses is to be transparent to allow light through, leaving them exposed or anything
Brendan
Whenever I see stuff like that I remember how many kid things I still did and thought at 20, and I wasn't surrounded by tens of thousands of people telling me I was Jesus Christ with body armor.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Oooof guy, she thinks youre "comfortable", you're never gonna with her. Best start chatting up Lucy.
gellaho
Meanwhile, Zelda is having some kind of Superman complex
GDC
She woke up covered in nerd goop.
NostraThomas TommyG
You mean, you stopped at age 20?
Brendan
Like one time I left errant code in the CIA's TRS-80 and it accidentally ended the cold war
NostraThomas TommyG
Lots and lots of drool
Brendan
No, I just monetized it.
jakesy “the korf magician”
I mean he's not wrong either, he didn't get recruited there to play school
Floygen
I probably missed like 6 character introductions, didn't I
Even Badger will be smashed
The wise man's move
gellaho
Because communicating anything is hard
Brendan
Loyalty to Adler.
FancyShark
Zelda knew only one way to keep them safe. She would bury them all. Nice and safe. Down where it was dark. Dark and quiet.
GDC
Zelda has a lot of blood on her hands.
Brendan
Honestly, the dumb drama of teen brain is a great credit to this book's realism.
gellaho
Loooooooooow standards
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
SIMP! SIIIIIIIIIIIIMP!
gellaho
I must have hung out with smarter teens
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
That's good simping Wes.
Even Badger will be smashed
This is the politest way anyone has ever asked another person to sit on their face
Brendan
Wesley absolutely wears transitions, though.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
It's the True Way of the Simp.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Lucy would absolutely, Max will never notice.
Floygen
'It was a pillow for my feet, though.'
'Haha, even better'
gellaho
What a cool dude
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Light teasing" is not "playing with your emotions" you psychopath.
FancyShark
Adler, you know you can kill these people, don't you?
gellaho
"I've got a nerd now"
Even Badger will be smashed
If this dude really is an ageless demon I really hate the optics of him flirting with this high schooler
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
YEah he isnt going to get jealous of the human pork cutlet effigy.
jakesy “the korf magician”
Talking with my pusssaaaaaaayy
GDC
And with that wes's death warrant was signed.
Even Badger will be smashed
Holy fuck, has there been a single relationship here that hasn't been some kind of irredeemably fucked?
Kathryn, are you okay?
Brendan
He Twilightin'
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Kathryn was a Max in school, so no. She's very much not okay.
Brendan
Sweet lips, blink twice if you can feel yourself inverting a talent.
Even Badger will be smashed
If we find out later that Adler imprinted on Max in the womb and that's why this is all okay I'm going to hurl
gellaho
RIP
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
This is just one substitute teacher working out her lingering resentments and traumas from high school.
gellaho
J/k
Even Badger will be smashed
Hahaha go fuck yourself Kathryn
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Dont........dont say things like "her brothers strong arms" Kathryn.
FancyShark
Fortunately, Brodey was aiming for Ohio State, so most of the lost brain matter doesn't need to be scraped off the rocks
gellaho
"I love this crippled child"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Mrs. Franklin, colorized.
Floygen
Did he not careen from a motor vehicle into a crag pit brain-first? How the fuck do you survive that?
Even Badger will be smashed
His pleasant plumpness cushioned his crash
gellaho
Yeah, I wonder
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
He was wearing his helmet, its fine.
Even Badger will be smashed
Big if true
Brendan
it's THE ohio state!
Floygen
This really is horror villain Ms. Frizzle
Brendan
Although I will say most of Brodey's articulation is indefinite now.
jakesy “the korf magician”
THE safety school
gellaho
Yes. I fucking wonder who, you idiots
FancyShark
I think it's Mitch
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"THIS IS MY ONE CHANCE TO QUIT MY SHITTY JOB TEACHING YOU LOSER FUCKASS KIDS! No way am I backing out now!"
"Mrs. D, did you mean to say that out loud?!"
"YES! NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DIG!"
Floygen
I miss when the trees were demons
gellaho
Kathryn went out of her way to say he wasn't. Gotta make it (un)believable
Floygen
Looming over the 3-foot beach cliffs
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Wow these kids jumped to Salem Witch Trial paranoia quickly.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I assumed Kathryn forgot he wasnt tbh.
Either that or Brodey has Homer Skull Syndrome.
Even Badger will be smashed
He passed out of the personality inversion field and the helmet materialized back onto his head before the crash
FancyShark
"Because you see, kids, drugs are the real demon that manipulates you into crashing your motorcycle in the cliffs of Florida. Hi, I'm Chase Cleanveins, and today, I'm here to rap with you about the dangers of the devil dust. But first, WHO LIKES THREE DAYS GRACE?"
gellaho
Not quite the Usual Suspects
jakesy “the korf magician”
I wait
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"The only thing I shoot into my veins is raw uncut Christ!"
jakesy “the korf magician”
His last name is Elite
gellaho
What about him is good, Max
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Is..........this supposed to be a revelation? Her boyfriend has a weird fake surname?
GDC
If my last name was Elite I would just assume no one would believe me when I told them.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Oh of the East Coast Elites?"
Even Badger will be smashed
How many pages into the book are we, exactly?
Genuine question.
FancyShark
Five
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Maybe the Washington Elites? Perhaps Boston Elites? What branch of the Elites do you hail from?"
jakesy “the korf magician”
You guys know, that famous typewriter brand Adler Elite
The one that everyone knows
gellaho
Wes outlines his "this is all Barbara's fault" theory
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yeah Wes, that doesnt track well. She broke her OWN leg to get back at MAx? That is the kind of plan the Other Other White Meat would come up with, you goddam slab of dude pork.
gellaho
Her forked tongue can manipulate all the teens
gellaho
Because people's personalities can change just like that with just a suggestion
Even Badger will be smashed
Really trying to throw out this red herring
GDC
I still maintain Mitch sold everyone coke.
Even Badger will be smashed
Okay, we're either 104 or 194 pages in and so far exactly zero sunken treasure has been dredged from the shipwreck. The fuck are we doing here
FancyShark
Kathryn went to the writing school of "We'll fix it later"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Oh because telling you "Hey you would be pretty cute if you didnt dress like a nerd and stopped using Brylcreem like its the fucking 50's." is sinister.
gellaho
That's why when I watch TV the commercials constantly change my perspective and buying habits
jakesy “the korf magician”
These kids are for sure not cool enough to do coke
Brendan
Looking back at their talk along the beach, Max realized there was only one set of footprints.
gellaho
"It was a bold strategy breaking her own leg"
GDC
Barbara really committed.
jakesy “the korf magician”
Look if you want to be the best you gotta beat the best
Brendan
Teens famously do whatever an adult they just met suggests. That's teening 101: respect authority on sight
gellaho
"We all know that Barbara used to work in the circus"
Brendan
Yeah but there's so much of it in the Keys it just blows into your food on the east wind
FancyShark
Barbara also sunk the galleon
jakesy “the korf magician”
So that's why they call it a key bump
gellaho
Hey, Kathryn, they have AC
gellaho
It would be impossible for them to live there without it
Brendan
Adler Elite can be rearranged to spell Dealer Lite. COINCIDENCE, Mitch???
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Wes.......jesus. I was socially paranoid in high school, but I didnt spin wild theories about the kids I thought were shitty, you need some help.
FancyShark
Kathryn was one of those kids that genuinely thought Punch didn't know there was a dragon behind him
Brendan
Every one of these teens is like "We die tomorrow" and none of them just want to stop volunteering and go chill in Ft. Lauderdale.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Also Brodey really needs to go to the hospital, maybe its not great to blame an obvious accident on poor Barbara.
gellaho
What a coincidence
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Also fuck you for making me sympathize with Barbara, Kathryn.
FancyShark
That's an easy way to avoid having to write dialogue
gellaho
It's four hours away, but sure
Brendan
I dunno anything on the west side of the state worth partying at.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Well at least its better than "I pulled it from her dormant mind with my Chinese Jew powers." that was in Kathryns original unedited manuscript.
gellaho
It's all the same, it takes a really long time to get through the keys
Even Badger will be smashed
Honestly they could just pull into a Waffle House and ride out the rest of their scheduled trip away from school there
What's Mrs Dwyer gonna do, fire them?
Brendan
I took a bus to FLL in college and was like "Yay! Florida! We made it in 12 hours!"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Waffle House is a bit dangerous tho.
Brendan
12 hours later we were still driving to Ft. Lauderdale
gellaho
These teens are really loosey goosey with their secrets
FancyShark
Their food is filthy and delicious
Brendan
Spring for the plane, you no-good teens
gellaho
It's a big state
Brendan
A whole damn anti-Max conspiracy
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Maybe possibly everyone just hates Max? Are we dealing with an unreliable narrator?
FancyShark
Jesus, Kathryn. Just pay for a therapist
Even Badger will be smashed
Yeah the odds of death are about the same as staying but at least you probably get a meal out of it
Brendan
Anti-Maxxers are dying at elevated rates and no one's sure why.
GDC
Barbara found out Zelda is a CCP operative.
gellaho
Central Air is a thing Kathryn
GDC
Barbara feels the storm coming in her gimp knee.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And a double agent for the Mossad.
FancyShark
I'm really enjoying gellaho's quiet fury at Kathryn's ignorance of Florida
Even Badger will be smashed
One of those famous surprise cyclones that Florida is always dealing with
gellaho
It's also the summer, so it'd just get more humid
It's Florida
Ozzie
I will do the same for anything and everything set in Minnesota.
Rocky and Bullwinkle knows what it did.
GDC
I think she latched on to sand and assumed Florida has the same climate as new Mexico.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I legit think Kathryn confused the Florida Keys with the UK.
gellaho
Jesus Christ, Max, you are a dipshit
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
These kids are on some Irish beach near Donegal.
Brendan
If they're right on the beach I'll buy the wind doing a lot of the convective lifting.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Casually kicking seals off artifacts.
gellaho
If you actually experienced a Florida summer you would not call the sunshine "friendly"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Its been the whole book and not a single character has been carried off by meth mosquitoes or eaten by palmetto bugs. Fake.
Even Badger will be smashed
"Something is coming between us.
Jesus is his name"
GDC
"to be clear, I don't care. I've boned five other underage girls this week"
gellaho
You deserve to die
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
It would be rad if he just told her the truth and when she admits she does like Wes he's just cool about it.
FancyShark
"Why would the IRS care about baked goods?"
"Look, go away."
Ozzie
Even he's surprised she put it together.
And he got the name from her.
gellaho
Absolute moron
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Took her long enough to figure out he told her his name was basically Samsonite Lampstand.
Even Badger will be smashed
Not that Kathryn will ever let anything happen to her precious insert POV characters but no one in this book is begging for death more than Max
NostraThomas TommyG
The Florida Baking Institute is VERY interested in recipes
gellaho
Not having any rootable characters is good, right?
GDC
I would have thought Florida authorities would be more interested in cooking than Baking.
Brendan
Not even bothered that he got her name off her typewriter before he entered the house officially.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Honestly Andy, you shouldnt fuck her just because I dont think she's mentally able to consent, it would be like fucking someone elses ham. Awkward and ethically wrong.
Brendan
"SMOOCH Well I'll let you get back to your brother. Nighty nighty, sweet lips."
GDC
Speaking from experience.
FancyShark
See, it's funny because he didn't wreck her reputation but he did get in a car wreck
NostraThomas TommyG
It's how hams are glazed
gellaho
Figure out this transition
Brendan
Hear me out: what if Brodey is to blame for his dumb accident?
Brendan
Virgins have weird wet dreams
gellaho
Well, a truck drove him off the road
FancyShark
That doesn't sound like Ohio State hopeful material to me
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Really? Cos it's got "Ohio" written all over it.
Brendan
She's playing with FIRE because it's SYMBOLISM and also Adler doesn't have HAVE a CAR
GDC
The spilling gas represents brodeys's spilling cerebrospinal fluid.
gellaho
Barbara's dream turns out to be prophetic
FancyShark
I hope the window's locked and she has to klutz her way through it
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Jesus fuck Kathryn, I realize the Barbara's you knew as a kid were cruel but setting them on fire is a bit much.
NostraThomas TommyG
Jump,through it like a final girl!
gellaho
The fumes cause her to flashback
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
You're an adult now, you should have some distance to put these things in their proper perspective, Kathryn.
Even Badger will be smashed
Tfw I'm sending a silent message to those weirdoes down on the beach
NostraThomas TommyG
Is she?
gellaho
This is real weak motivation for not squealing on the weird drifter
Even Badger will be smashed
Wait the hacking thing actually happened? That's not a fake memory planted by the inversion demon?
Brendan
They call me firecrotch.
jakesy “the korf magician”
Next thing you know Broday is going to be trading his autograph for free tattoos
gellaho
Anyway, Barbara gives up and dies. Sleep well, kids!
NostraThomas TommyG
Worst Malibu hero ever. He only sold one comic. Not issue. Total
jakesy “the korf magician”
JIM TRESSEL SLAM
Brendan
Barbara has a LOT going on for a 17-year-old
gellaho
Not anymore she doesn't
FancyShark
She died as she lived. On fire.
gellaho
Flawless transition
Even Badger will be smashed
Back on the board with one death. We were trending at negative one for a bit there
jakesy “the korf magician”
Zelda with the tri force move
gellaho
Because when you have multiple people and a deck of cards, you play solitaire
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahahahaha DOUBLE SOLITARE! The game too boring for old people.
jakesy “the korf magician”
It's what all the teens are doing
Also it's a euphemism for beating off next to each other
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
At least it wasnt Black Jack Jiggle or Strip Poker.
jakesy “the korf magician”
I see what you did there Kathryn
gellaho
Kathryn forgot Zelda is the freakishly strong one
NostraThomas TommyG
She was tired from all that card throwing
gellaho
Great writing
FancyShark
Herbert the Vengeful Ghost
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"No I wont admit that Herbert West is real and coming here."
GDC
Let's talk about this while everyone burns to death.
NostraThomas TommyG
He REALLY doesn't want to be your friend
gellaho
Eh, I'm not going to even try
Even Badger will be smashed
Neither is Kathryn
FancyShark
"We did all we could"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Barbracue.
Even Badger will be smashed
"Somehow Barbara won't return"
Keith
Finally reading 'The Good Soldier Svejk'. Can already tell it's going to be one of those books like 'Slaughterhouse Five' that I'm going to be like, why the hell did I wait so long, and it will stay in a corner of my head forever
FancyShark
Max's eulogy at Barbara's funeral is just a shrug
gellaho
It's too bad they are the only ones on the island
gellaho
Maybe
Possibly
NostraThomas TommyG
They'll all have memorial flashbacks
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"I never liked her, and that summer vacation where she was actually kind of doing nice shit for everyone didnt change anything."
gellaho
That's not really a confession
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"She made my pet dork a hunk and I will NEVER FORGIVE HER! I will sneak back here later tonight to piss on her grave! DINNER IS ASPARAGUS!"
NostraThomas TommyG
Barabara is really Herbert
FancyShark
"I can't stomach this any longer! I have to tell Wes he's a good friend!"
NostraThomas TommyG
Padme and Anakin were hotter
gellaho
IT'S THE WEIRD BOY THAT SHOWED UP OUT OF NOWHERE, YOU IDIOT
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yeah kill Wes on the spot too, Max.
Brendan
Her boyfriend George Glass
Ozzie
This is what Kathryn screamed into a mirror while plotting.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Or was Max delusional and this was a series of unfortunate accidents, with a parallel scheme from her teacher to run off with the doubloon money?"
Ozzie
Speech-to-text left it in the book.
NostraThomas TommyG
Or is the author a hack, because any of those would have been more entertaining
gellaho
Or, you know, maybe someone saw the fire
Brendan
Max has Wife Guy vibes for her first boyfriend.
jakesy “the korf magician”
This book could have been over so quickly
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Max is Czar Nicholas II and all she needs is a Rasputin to cuck the shit out of her.
gellaho
No shit
gellaho
What could be the motivation
Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuh
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"OH FUCK THE TREASURE WORTH MILLIONS WE HAVE BEEN CASUALLY HANDLING AND TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT!"
Even Badger will be smashed
Oh right, the treasure. The supposed plot element the book hinges around
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
To be fair, I also forgot there was a treasure.
GDC
They 'stole' the treasure that has been just washing up on shore for months.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Somehow, because silver spoons and shit are famously buoyant after being encrusted in coral and fish poop for three hundred years.
gellaho
And now, rapidly jumping to conclusions
FancyShark
"But the real treasure was inside us all along!"
"FUCK! MY KIDNEYS!"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
The artifacts in question are just a shipping container of Garfield phones.
Mrs. Dwyer plans to refurbish and sell them.
Even Badger will be smashed
IT'S ALWAYS THE ORGAN HARVESTING MONEY
gellaho
Mine!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
She told these kids they were Spainish treasure from Atlantis or some shit so she wouldnt have to share the profit.
NostraThomas TommyG
You mean my Football phone from Sports Illustrated is worth less??
gellaho
Which part is her snapping back to reality
NostraThomas TommyG
But but it came free along with the swimsuit issue and the year in sports!!
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
No those are clearly a collectors item what will retain its value forever.
NostraThomas TommyG
Oh thank goodness!
jakesy “the korf magician”
Snap back to reality/ ope, there goes gravity
FancyShark
Empathy makes Max question reality
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
She immediately starts to suspect Wes is the murderer.
gellaho
All those Floridian cliffs and caves
jakesy “the korf magician”
You know, on the keys
FancyShark
I hope they dressed warm for those freezing night winds
jakesy “the korf magician”
All those
Caves
NostraThomas TommyG
And cliffs
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yup. Famously riddled with cave systems, the Keys and general Carribean area.
jakesy “the korf magician”
As Jimmy Buffett sings about his time in margaritaville, all the cliffs and caves
gellaho
The coral is sticking out of the water?
gellaho
It's where the flamingos live
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
It's where the term "man cave" come from, derived from the Creek word "Manacave".
Even Badger will be smashed
Oh good, we solved the oceans rising
NostraThomas TommyG
Soooo I don't have to buy a Prius
gellaho
That dastardly Acne-man
jakesy “the korf magician”
Now all they have to do is cross the vast Floridian desert with the treasure
Brendan
the Andy-Christ is real!
Ozzie
This is like the fifth time she's had the feeling that there's danger around, Kathryn gave her self-insert Spider-Sense, a move I personally cannot rightfully condemn.
gellaho
You. Are. The. Dumbest. Character. And. I. Hate. You.
Ozzie
GREAT question, Max.
Brendan
The only one whose POV we saw immediately with a description that matched only him for the matching scene where he showed up...
jakesy “the korf magician”
It's not even a betrayal, she knew nothing about him
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
The guy who told you his name was Chair Greatsit? Untrustworthy?! SHOCK!
NostraThomas TommyG
I have a suspicion that Max has "breathe in" tattooed on her right arm and "breathe out" tattooed on her left arm
FancyShark
Max would go on to have her heart broken when she found out her call wasn't very important to Comcast's customer service
Brendan
Did the 11 hours we spent as boyfriend and girlfriend mean NOTHING to you, Andadler?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Honey he literally told you his name was an object in his line of sight. You deserve this.
gellaho
Don't really know how he knew that Wesley used to be a geek
GDC
Man. If you can't trust a drifter who's into high school girls, who can you trust?
NostraThomas TommyG
All right all right all right!
Brendan
I'd much rather kiss you than light a match to your bed is also Adam Driver's third-best line in GIRLS.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
He's.........upset this teenage girl has decided not to murder her friends and run away with a skeevy drifter and his greasy henchman? Well, thats what I expect from a dude who's idea of a good fake name is Cokebottle Remotecontrol.
gellaho
You still thought there was a possibility that he was a demon? Do you know how to tie your shoes?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahahahah I love that this book thinks we were taking the demon subplot seriously enough they needed to rule it out.
jakesy “the korf magician”
Lol
Good we finally ruled out demons
FancyShark
...I was taking the demon subplot seriously
gellaho
I don't know how great a criminal Adler can be if his only partner is a drunk 16 year old
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Oh and Max? Most of that shit? Not even my fault, yall are just shitty."
Even Badger will be smashed
Oh so everyone in this book was just an insane asshole offscreen the whole time? That's seriously the twist?
jakesy “the korf magician”
Next question: is he a Bigfoot
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I admire your optimism that this book would be interesting after the last one.
gellaho
No, see, everyone completely changed personalities for no reason
It's called writing
GDC
Did we ever figure out the deal with the pirate ghost from the prologue?
gellaho
Oh, sorry, because Barbara suggested it
FancyShark
Hope never dies
gellaho
Which is basically the same thing
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"TEENS!" Screeches Kathryn as she is dragged away by the police for questioning.
Even Badger will be smashed
Ok so after we finish caging this book we need to hunt down Kathryn and make sure she's stopped writing
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I assume it was Lobstor's dreadful henchman, The Red Herring.
gellaho
"Or it's because of the storm. Whatever"
Brendan
I call 'im Butch, but I saw his driver's license once. Rex, it said.
gellaho
It's high tide/storm flooded but that coral is still above the surface
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
To be fair alot of this is either how teens act or close to how adults in the 90s THOUGHT teens acted so Kathryn has put in SOME effort.
GDC
Does coral grow in spurs?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Less drinking than real teens.
FancyShark
I think she's squandered the right to be treated fairly
gellaho
Some fun for the kids
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I think it just goes to show what a fuckin nutcase she is, that making teens believably teenish was her main focus instead of making a fun book to read.
FancyShark
Kids love tender flesh!
NostraThomas TommyG
Kathryn is three pages away from someone asking "sweet or savory flesh!"
Brendan
Young, tender flesh what keeps Butch juvenated
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Hey kids, do you crave the tender flesh and blood of teen virgins? YOU DO?! WELL DO WE HAVE A BOOK FOR YOU!"
Even Badger will be smashed
I swear to god every time I look away this book changes genres.
GDC
Max has obviously never read Gerald's Game.
gellaho
Luckily Jerry was 12 drinks deep
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
It's like Kathryn got white girl drunk and watched part of a Hong Kong movie like Rich and Famous and took in "tonal whiplash" and nothing else.
FancyShark
Now this is Hydrox Nancy Drew
GDC
Wait he was drinking from a pint glass in a cave?
gellaho
"Wha? Adler, huh?"
FancyShark
He's not a savage
NostraThomas TommyG
Dollar General Hardly Boyz
Ozzie
I think a pint bottle of hard liquor
Brendan
It sliced his tendon. Rob will never fuck up piano again.
FancyShark
Rob had his heart broken too?
Adler, you slut
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Saltlamp Bagofcandy is a fuckin ninja.
gellaho
The only way Kathryn knows how to end a book is massive blood loss
gellaho
Even Badger will be smashed
Mom will kill me if I let someone murder my fuck brother!
FancyShark
Second time in as many books, their teacher is so fired
gellaho
"How should I end this? The same way as the last book! I am a genius"
NostraThomas TommyG
"I'm the only one who can penetrate my baby brother!"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Wes blasts Emptycup Mousepad with a shotgun, audience applauds.
gellaho
The eyes are really the only idea Kathryn had
FancyShark
See, this is why people from Ohio don't go to Florida to salvage Spanish galleon treasure
NostraThomas TommyG
You know, that was literally in a Mads streaming movie. This guy uses the last name Minor because there was a sign in the bar saying "no minors allowed"
Brendan
Evil is all the colors of the rainbow
gellaho
https://youtu.be/WmybXptjADo
Ozzie
Wait, shit, is he a demon after all now?
NostraThomas TommyG
I'm not lying
jakesy “the korf magician”
We still haven't ruled out that he's a cryptid
NostraThomas TommyG
Are you sure it's not
Hungry Eyes!
gellaho
Well now. Maybe we're getting somewhere
gellaho
Brendan
So they're pigpiling him, but he's crawling on his knees on rock, but she can also see his eyes from behind but also he's not using the knife he's slinging and crawling one-handed...
jakesy “the korf magician”
Wait what
Why are there chemicals
FancyShark
Florida chemical cave. Duh
NostraThomas TommyG
Chemical Vat
Oh dang, there's the origin story of like 6 Batman villains
Even Badger will be smashed
"No, not the cup, I might miss with it… I know! I'll throw this VAT OF BUBBLING ACID!!"
jakesy “the korf magician”
Ohhhhhhhhhhh I get it
GDC
The usual stuff you do with chemicals in Florida.
jakesy “the korf magician”
This is where the meth comes in
NostraThomas TommyG
Meth?
Scooped
Brendan
All of this because these kids wanted Adler to surrender his gas stove. Really makes you think.
gellaho
It's for the artifacts
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Silver polish, bathtub gin, and meth fixins. The normal things you bring to a treasure hunt where you murder teens.
Even Badger will be smashed
Pretty sure Kathryn is writing with either one hand or no brain at this point
Brendan
This is Florida, you guys could have made the bath salts joke instead.
gellaho
They'll get fucked up if you just take them out of the seawater after hundreds of years
NostraThomas TommyG
Or Meth
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
We're funnier than that.
gellaho
Plus all the barnacles and whatnot
NostraThomas TommyG
Are we?
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Yes.
gellaho
Anyway, burning flesh
NostraThomas TommyG
I know
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Meth is way funnier than bath salts.
NostraThomas TommyG
Yup, Batman Villian
gellaho
Eh, they're all easy jokes
FancyShark
Dammit, now Adler's Daredevil
gellaho
And now he's Jason Voorhees
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"JESUS MAX! We had him outnumbered and shit! You didnt have to melt his face! Oh god the smell!"
Brendan
whoa
gellaho
"Not my backup option!"
gellaho
Brendan
this book really worked for consequential violence and then let Adler peer into the compression cannon
NostraThomas TommyG
CLIFF??
GDC
The cliffs of Florida.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Ibuprofen Ps4controller is really strong for a dude who just got his face melted.
Ozzie
If you get grappled by a blind guy like that, there's no helping you.
gellaho
What luck
Even Badger will be smashed
Well no shit he wasn't so lucky, Max threw a goblet of acid into his face
Ozzie
A mysterious twinkle? What the fuck is this supposed to mean?
gellaho
WASTE OF FUCKING WHAT, YOU STUPID CHILD
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Looks like you arent going to have to find a new inexplicable simp, Max.
FancyShark
Cut to Adler, his eyes impaled on coral, screaming in agony
Even Badger will be smashed
Dude was leaving this story looking like the Last Giant Lord either way
jakesy “the korf magician”
Hi, my name is D.X. Machina, I'm here to save you
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Prime dick. A waste of prime dick. That's what Kathryn is getting at.
Brendan
She'll never love instantly again
NostraThomas TommyG
You could have just clonked him on the head! Not melt his face!
gellaho
Abusive boyfriend to the rescue
gellaho
Even Badger will be smashed
She might have missed with the cup. The caustic liquid was clearly the better option
FancyShark
Mitch was the hero all along!
NostraThomas TommyG
Well then he'd still have his dreamy looks
NostraThomas TommyG
He's the smart one
gellaho
Didn't find his body, well surely that means he's coming back...
Ozzie
Distrusting all men in 40 feet was a better survival strategy than anything anyone else did.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
She'd better at least give Wes a handy in the Denny's parking lot in his truck or maybe next time he wont risk a violent death at the hands of her mysterious drifter boyfriend.
gellaho
Oh, wait there's only four pages left
NostraThomas TommyG
Batman will be punching his lights out pretty soon
Even Badger will be smashed
I can't wait for the parlor room wrap up
FancyShark
He's Florida shark food by now
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
He died, and is now at the bottom of the ocean being eaten by fishes to be pooped out for all the little poop eating fishes to eat.
Brendan
Dragging himself onto shore
No explanation about how he defied the rocks
gellaho
Aw he's a nerd again
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Only to be devoured by a medium sized seagull.
Even Badger will be smashed
We never even got to see the fucking galleon.
Brendan
He'll reappear as an ugly guy named...Dauber.
Even Badger will be smashed
I'm so mad.
gellaho
But it's the person inside that counts, right?
gellaho
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Sometimes the galleon is the secretly hunky boys you realized were hot along the way.
gellaho
Lol, j/k
Even Badger will be smashed
Hahaha Max is so fucking shallow. I hate her
gellaho
Disgusting nerds are gross and do not deserve love
FancyShark
"Seriously, I'll slash your throat in your sleep if you ever dare to be ugly again"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
God she is so fucking stupid for continuing to think it was all somehow supernatural that Wes isnt a lamentable dork slug.
gellaho
What luck
Brendan
Technically it's the person inside you that counts.
FancyShark
I'm sure he was thrilled that Mitch visited him in the hospital
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"He'll never walk again and he's been giving flash cards to relearn shapes and colors. He's gotten red, square and glorp so far."
gellaho
Boy, you sure are dumb
NostraThomas TommyG
See above arm tattoos
FancyShark
She's been through the Florida desert with a cat with no name
gellaho
Mixed? Are you fucking serious
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Max. Fuck off, you weird bitch. The cat has no name and that reminds you of your thirst for difter cock and his sinister plots?
Also that cat probably has a name.
FancyShark
Back up
GDC
The cat has a collar with it's name on it.
FancyShark
WRITING BAD CHECKS is a crime you had to pin on your villain, Kathryn?
gellaho
What a dumb and pointless subplot
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Wrong for her" is more "Kind of a creep" not "Is a legit murderer" Kathryn. I know you're trying to have a message for young girls here but this is a weird way to put it.
GDC
One of her fondest memories will always be melting a guys face off.
Even Badger will be smashed
I'm having a realization here, gang.
This book is dogshit.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Yeah my grandma has dementia, thanks for fucking prying, you ass."
FancyShark
Sounds like Herbert died from not wanting to be named Herbert anymore
Brendan
As Max made love to Wesley for the first time, she found herself thinking of their friend, Barbara, whose femur jutting out of her leg made it impossible for her to escape the fire that had turned her once-gorgeous red hair into literal flames of stinking, sizzling wicks.
That had been 12 hours earlier.
gellaho
"My self-confidence is worth another's death"
NostraThomas TommyG
Really?
Even Badger will be smashed
I know, I was surprised too
NostraThomas TommyG
Coulda knocked me off with a feather 🪶
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"Now nobody living knows I was fat.............wait shit. Max you're looking..........Flammable....Fuck I mean hot! Hot, you look hot today."
NostraThomas TommyG
With that sweet smell
FancyShark
I was joking that Max was just going to shrug at Barbara's funeral but I think that's in the cards
gellaho
Did she steal that from his hospital bed?
gellaho
Brendan
Boy, that Herbert thing went nowhere at all.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
"You know Zelda. I'm also kind of glad our classmates died or were badly injured too."
GDC
For the rest of her life Max will be unable to orgasm without the smell of cooking human flesh.
NostraThomas TommyG
That's her kink now
FancyShark
Finally, a relatable character
Brendan
Zelda, all of your friends died because they didn't like you and used you to cruelly bait Max.
gellaho
"It's so sweet how he told her to shut up!"
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Lucy you should have gone Wes, Brodey isnt going to be eating solid foods for years.
Even Badger will be smashed
What a rich arc. "The class slut learns to not be so slutty". Daring and brave, Kathryn.
NostraThomas TommyG
A lesson for all teens
GDC
Mitch went on to be murdered for ripping off the cartels.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Max learned some Spanish too. CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!
NostraThomas TommyG
Mitch is Latino?
gellaho
And we end with this really strange bit of flirting
FancyShark
His torso would later wash up on shore. Since it wasn't Spanish treasure, it was ignored and picked apart by crabs.
Brendan
Barbara sounds like the actual hero of this book.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
And that boy? Joseph Robinette Biden.
Brendan
Mitch is a very anglo lady's idea of Latino
We stan a compact king
GDC
He was only identified thanks to his tattoo.
gellaho
We have defeated Demon's Beach
FancyShark
We did it!
NostraThomas TommyG
🥳🥳🥳
Brendan
WHOO BOY
GDC
That was a rough one, good work everybody.
Even Badger will be smashed
At least this time there's a reason for the Gellahead to look so unsettlingly damp
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Fuck yeah. We held this books arms and took turns putting cigarettes out on its chest.
FancyShark
Great riffing, everyone!
Even Badger will be smashed
An extremely rough book, gang. Way to rise to the occasion, go us!
GDC
This book deserves the book dungeon.
gellaho
So concludes Episode 85 of The Book Cage
Brendan
Those were some dumb kids.
FancyShark
Thank you, @gellaho !
Brendan
That Mitch is no good.
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Hahahah fuck them kids.
Brendan
This book suggests there is a 7th, dead Planeteer.
Even Badger will be smashed
Thanks again, @gellaho !
gellaho
You know, I have a friend who recently got into biking. Unlike Brodey, I think he knows what he's doing though
B-B-B-Bonus
FancyShark
:yee:
Even Badger will be smashed
:SteeleYourself:
Biker Ape!
FancyShark
@Brockway ! NEW APE!
Brendan
Thanks for carrying us in your beach footprints, @gellaho Ride safe on the dunes of love.
FancyShark
BIKER APE!
Even Badger will be smashed
p.s. I will never not laugh at the itty bitty Photon in the teeny tiny corner cage
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
SWEET! THIS APE IS BADASS!
Brendan
Good meat, book dorks. I'd better not hear about you posing nude for Terry Richardson.
FancyShark
No promises
Have a good night, everyone!
See you tomorrow for Fight Night!
Proxy is: Velma
It's been so long since the ape gods blessed us! I was afraid they'd abandoned us to our sad, apeless fate
gellaho
You remember in the prologue where Kathryn pretended there was a being rising from the ocean with mind control powers?
That was weird
FancyShark
lol
Even Badger will be smashed
lmao, even
Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
I miss when Lobstor, The Spawn of the Deep was a beautiful vision we all shared.