85: Demon's Beach Nicole Davidson

gellaho

The Book Cage Episode 85 Demon's Beach

This week we'll be doing something completely different. Just kidding. I said this year was about returning to pain, dillholes! We are going right back to Nicole Davidson/Kathryn Jensen/Kathryn Johnson with her series of dangerously horny teens. This time, were near my neck of the woods, Florida. One classroom's worth of teens from Ohio are heading down to a fake key to find treasure that just washed up on shore near their teacher's mother's house. What a coincidence! There's a spooky monster that causes the teens to act strangely...or something. They were already pretty stupid and strange to begin with. Join me this Friday, 5pm, when we encounter tropical treasure and key kreatures.

gellaho

Even Badger will be smashed

Hahaha I'm so fucking happy

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Sweet.

gellaho

Good luck finding anywhere in the Keys that's that far above sea level

FancyShark

"I'll get those meddling kids!" vowed the Prince of Lies

gellaho

This one is going to make me mad in particular because the kids are dumber and has clearly never been to the keys

FancyShark

Hell yes. Florida inside baseball from gellaho

gellaho

Fact #1: gold does not wash up on the beach

jakesy “the korf magician”

One thing we know for sure is they're known for their lime pies

And their parties, in the 70s

gellaho

Decided to look up White Key, which is where this supposedly takes place. There is a White Key in Florida

Only one teeny problem

gellaho

It's about four hours away from The Keys

jakesy “the korf magician”

Yeah but for $6.15 that's a steal

gellaho

Coming up on the hour, it's Demon's Beach. Here is the preview

FancyShark

She's new to ambushing, isn't she?

Even Badger will be smashed

ALONE… WITH A KILLER

so not alone, then

gellaho

Welcome to "Florida"

Brendan

And so it begins

...again

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Time to kick literacy's ass.

FancyShark

I hope these characters do better on the SATs

gellaho

A being emerges from the gulf

Even Badger will be smashed

Fuckin' Wide Window ass cliff house, they hold that shit up with stilts?

GDC

"It's"

FancyShark

And he's immediately mowed down by a jet ski

gellaho

Seems like something teens would be in charge of, sure

Even Badger will be smashed

Nicole don't like iiiit~

Rock the sandbar!

Rock the sandbar!

FancyShark

There's a weirdo with a metal detector off to one side pulling his hair out in fury

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

SO when does Dr. Grant scare the shit out of one of these teens with a historical relic based gutting?

gellaho

Seems to have some kind of mystical emotional powers. I'm sure that will end up making sense

Even Badger will be smashed

Hahah we're two pages in and we're already at psychic pirate POV. This author rules

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

The speaker is Lobstor, the Spawn of the Deep. Joy enrages him.

FancyShark

Vow of vengeance or person remarking on their spoiled fridge contents?

GDC

Come on, there's gotta be a scimitar in all that pirate gold somewhere

gellaho

Definitely going to make sense in the end

GDC

or an old timey pistol

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

This Leatherhead autobiography is already getting weird.

Even Badger will be smashed

As he sinks beneath the shallow waves

gellaho

Life is just so hard, you guys

GDC

Max hates the past

Even Badger will be smashed

Well get a fucking typewriter then, dummy

Why the heck are you doing stenography work by hand?

gellaho

So exotic

FancyShark

Max looked up with disdain as her mother screamed again in the agony of childbirth.

"Drama queen," she thought.

GDC

Exotic by Ohio standards, anyway.

FancyShark

Ohio Exotic is 1% instead of Skim

Brendan

Max, some guys just don't respond to hand stuff.

gellaho

Flawless system

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Max you know you're allowed to quit, right? You can pursue other after school activities, its not mandatory. Also you're from Ohio, you werent getting into a school where that matters anyway.

Also your shorthand sucks if nobody but you can read it without guessing.

Even Badger will be smashed

You know you're allowed to bring your typewriter to the meeting, right max?

Brendan

Pullin' to love airport!

FancyShark

You've resigned to losing anything of value if you're letting teenagers excavate a lost galleon

Even Badger will be smashed

This just seems like an unnecessary complication

gellaho

I'm not sure why they need checks if it's being paid for, but sure

Brendan

Teenagers make great lifeguards and terrible treasure hunters, that's beach fact.

gellaho

Classic nerd, not knowing things

gellaho

FancyShark

"Why are we paying teenagers to do this? Because that ship is soaked in black market narcotics"

Even Badger will be smashed

Good old Fort Johnson

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

A modest hourly wage means they'll get a dollar an hour and all the boiled eggs they can eat, and all the lemonade they can get as long as they are brave enough to venture into The Wasp Shack.

FancyShark

Wasp lemons are the best lemons

Brendan

Typical teens ignoring the far greater archeological value of the galleon.

gellaho

Classic cheerleader stereotype: being in the archeology club and paying attention to teachers

Even Badger will be smashed

Buzzy lil shack!

BUZ-ZY LITTLE SHACK!

gellaho

☑️ Redhead

FancyShark

"Nevertheless, Max made a note to dump pig blood on Wesley at the prom"

Even Badger will be smashed

Resistant to anesthetics and electricity! The killer will have to think creatively if he wants to get rid of this cheerleader

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Wesleys always get the short end of the stick but don't worry about him, Max. He's in line to be the next Dread Pirate Roberts.

gellaho

Nerdish goop

Even Badger will be smashed

:FuckApe:"Nerdish goop":FuckApe:

FancyShark

Garnier Fructese: For The Dork In Your Life

GDC

These are easily entertained kids

Even Badger will be smashed

Fellas is it nerdy to style your hair

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Jeez Max, describing his pomade as "Nerdish goop" doesnt make you very sympathetic either.

GDC

Unless Wesley made it himself

FancyShark

Only dorks care about their appearance

gellaho

Spending 8 weeks outside in the summer in Florida is certainly a choice

Brendan

Joke's on you, Barbara, that's Wesley's kink.

Even Badger will be smashed

"Endless beach" until the ocean levels rise, anyway

FancyShark

Eight weeks stealing artifacts while the locals watch sounds like the plan of an Indiana Jones villain

gellaho

Water pumps, baby

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Ohhhhh that's what the nerdish goop is! 🥛

Even Badger will be smashed

Or Indiana Jones

gellaho

High speed spider

Even Badger will be smashed

SPIDER IS APPROACHING AT ALARMING SPEEDS

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

High speed stealth bomb spider is pretty rad tho, MAX! Maybe you should be less of a shitty sister.

gellaho

"We are very boring siblings"

Even Badger will be smashed

Oh good, now I don't have to watch Encanto.

FancyShark

Rob has perfect pitch. I'm sure that will be useful when excavating a Spanish galleon

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Rob secretly HATES playing the piano, and wants to switch to a synthesizer. He's a huge Foreigner fan.

Even Badger will be smashed

In the third act he uses it to caulk the ship into being watertight and raise it out of the sea

GDC

When Rob thinks no one is looking he looks at a keytar catalog

gellaho

You know, the Vo-Tech

gellaho

Even Badger will be smashed

"Furtively" and "tossing" don't go together as logically as you think they do, Nicole

FancyShark

Barbara sounds like a mannequin that was set on fire

GDC

The shop class kids get carted around in a prison bus

gellaho

"Kids'll buy that one" - Kathryn

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Barbara has a sub, Barbara has a suuub!

FancyShark

"And naturally, no one has spotted the galleon because Florida is sparsely populated"

gellaho

"Just believe this story I wrote" - Kathryn

GDC

Mom is angrily out on the beach every day picking up pieces of eight and throwing them in the trash

FancyShark

"I'm not using you to commit fraud, children."

Even Badger will be smashed

If the manifest survived but the ship didn't, why didn't they just make the whole ship out of the manifest?

gellaho

And now, the nerd people like

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"ITS CALLED SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF, PHILISTINES!" - Kathryn, to her editor.

Even Badger will be smashed

Brodey the (mildly plump) Brain

FancyShark

Eye-hand coordination. That well-known phrase

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Alternate universe Chet.

Even Badger will be smashed

Wait hold the phone, this motherfucker just has a pocket computer?

The fuck are you still doing in high school, my man? Run your ass down to the patent office! Quit while you're ahead!

GDC

Sounds like he could do a lot better than ohio state

gellaho

And Zelda Chang, a create-a-character made randomly

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Her dad is from Kaifeng I guess, where they have a Jewish\Chinese enclave.

Even Badger will be smashed

"Representation is like meeting a quota, right? It can all be in one person as long as it's in there?" - Kathryn to her editor

FancyShark

Zelda "I think some character sheets were shuffled together" Chang

gellaho

And enviable breasts

FancyShark

Who doesn't envy breasts? They don't have to work

Even Badger will be smashed

I feel like either Max or Kathryn is projecting pretty hard here

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

And most people like breasts. Near universal popularity.

FancyShark

Lucy will definitely get murdered

Even Badger will be smashed

Oh shit, she's a McGill

gellaho

Just put some underage nude photography rumors in here

gellaho

For the kids

Even Badger will be smashed

Is this the nexus event that gets Bob Odenkirk from Better Call Saul to Nobody?

GDC

'amateur photographer' is not the phrase i would use

Even Badger will be smashed

"He committed a federal felony and got the evidence published in a magazine"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Jeff Mason just wishes Lucy would forget ONCE to draw her curtains and is spreading rumors like a fuckass.

gellaho

Wesley is the Uberdork

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Brody should invent a machine to kick his ass.

Even Badger will be smashed

Haha Lucy definitely just checked out the class scrimblo and tried to style it out like she wasn't interested

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Man Wesley DID get the short end of the stick, he's not even smart enough to just be like "Well. That pencil is gone. Time to get another from MY POCKET PROTECTOR! Which I definitely have!"

gellaho

Yeah, really fucking wild

Even Badger will be smashed

THRILLS! CHILLS! SPILLS!

FancyShark

Then, when Lucy was distracted, Max crept up behind her and slit her throat like a total party animal

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Max.......you are made entirely of Wonder Bread.

gellaho

Oh, no, not corruption in the homecoming court! Is nothing sacred?!

Floygen

Dork reporting for duty, let's see those books

Even Badger will be smashed

I guarantee you no one in this high school except the ludicrously self absorbed gives a shit about homecoming court

FancyShark

The last time gossip spread in Ft. Johnson, it was about the Furgusons not sorting their recycling

Agent of Fortune

shit I forgot about this, what did I miss?

gellaho

Probably just be seeing clouds there

GDC

People might lose faith in the prom monarchy and revolt

FancyShark

Teenage drama and blandness

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"The right price" is a night of lesbian poetry and lovemaking and this is code to throw off the teacher

Even Badger will be smashed

If you're running a pay for play scheme over something as small as fucking homecoming, the only losers here are you and the people who actually give you money

Agent of Fortune

Sweet that's my favorite

Floygen

A spider web river would actually look fucking sick

No notes

gellaho

If they were chased by tax agents, it'd be because they didn't pay their taxes. Not because they wanted the artifacts

Floygen

Pictured: Mrs. D

Even Badger will be smashed

Oh because just the state of Florida is going to be upset that you're plundering a cultural landmark.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Max. Learn the vital life skill of SHUT THE FUCK UP, NARC!"

GDC

"Not if you keep your mouth shut", replied the teacher

FancyShark

Just screaming out loud on an airplane about their graverobbing

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"The Man won't know if you keep your ham hole shut, Max."

gellaho

So, fun fact, this had already been solved by the time this book was written

gellaho

gellaho

There's a guy named Mel Fisher who pulled up a bunch of stuff out of a wrecked galleon. He's got a museum in Key West where they still sell stuff from it

Agent of Fortune

BUREAUCRACY

gellaho

Floygen

'If you didn't get the hint by now, you're doing my tax brackets. Ta ta!'

Even Badger will be smashed

Who Plunders the Plunderers?

FancyShark

Archaeologists always appreciate people doing their work for them

GDC

Especially high school kids

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

SUCK IT, STATE ARCHEOLOGISTS! SCORE ONE FOR FREEDOM!

"Those artifacts belong in a private collection!"

Even Badger will be smashed

Salvors isn't even a word. Bonus fuck this guy

FancyShark

Kathryn has really stupid ideas of what teachers can do, especially given that she's a substitute

Even Badger will be smashed

All this has taught me is that we were right to distrust substitutes

gellaho

Listen, if they had hundreds of years to dig up this stuff

Max is disappointed that she has to be the secretary, even though that is her job

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Kathryn is one of those substitutes who, on her first day, was like "No I'm gonna do something FUN and interactive! THROW OUT YOUR TEXTBOOKS CHILDREN! ITS MAGIC MOTHERFUCKIN SCHOOLBUS DAYYYYYYY!" and then after that shit turns out to be tiresome just puts a VHS into a player and the class watches a movie.

FancyShark

Max has a very Ohio idea of how fun splashing in the surf can be

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Wesley you human chicken slurry bucket, who pushes their glasses with a knuckle and not the tip of their finger?!

gellaho

This gives me the distinct impression that Kathryn doesn't realize Spaniards are white

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Mitch Diego" has big Latin Pool Boy energy for a name.

FancyShark

"Hi. I think you're foreign but attractive!"

gellaho

And his homely girlfriend

gellaho

Even Badger will be smashed

Buzz buzz, Mitch Diego

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Hello, I am Mitch Diego, boyfriend to your teachers niece and sexual tyrannosaurus."

GDC

"The Fort Johnson type" is an interesting euphemism for 'white'.

gellaho

Seems like a pleasant family

FancyShark

They're from Ohio, Mitch. They don't understand foreigny words like "si"

Brendan

I actually know a guy named Wei-San Tjong who had this background. His email handle was "Weibraham Tjongstein"

Floygen

She was a rather plain Jane, with her almost impossible supermodel physique and exuberant wardrobe

Even Badger will be smashed

Can't imagine why this dude wouldn't be chipper about sending high schoolers to drown at high tide for a little Spanish gold

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Um fuck you, I can use whatever language I want, you hag. I dont give a fuck if my girlfriends aunt invited these assholes."

gellaho

Yes, Max they decided to build a highway that would flood. Because Florida is not known for being wet

Floygen

'No, I was saying 'see,' and pointing towards the tide, you dicks'

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Mitch Diego doesnt NEED your approval Mrs. Dwyer.

gellaho

It's also not his house, so it's a real weird thing to say

FancyShark

Florida's infrastructure crumbles under Max's innocuous question

GDC

If it flooded every tide it would have taken twice as long to build

Floygen

The good old Clone Wars approach to dialogue padding

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Many MORE nonwhite people would have died building it.

gellaho

There are not cliffs

Even Badger will be smashed

The cliffs of Florida, much like the mountains of Illinois

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Ah yes, the famous Black Cliffs of Florida.

Florida, being famously possessed of a high altitude.

gellaho

Keys aren't that big, and there going to be spending a lot of time on the beach. How would there be both

Ignoring the fact that Florida is mostly limestone

GDC

Why were they worried about the tide if they're on a cliff?

FancyShark

I'm starting to think Kathryn confused Florida with Argentina

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Or possibly Britain.

Floygen

'Tide' is just shorthand slang for 'typhoon' in their idiot circle

gellaho

You don't know what limestone is, do you Kathryn

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Soon one of the Ohio kids will ask "So you can see France from here, right?"

Even Badger will be smashed

This really feels like when someone made a fantasy novel about the whimsical magical realm of "Antigua"

Brendan

Lime-green miniskirt is the Key West LBD

FancyShark

The lush cacti and pine trees of Key West

Brendan

State archeologists are always so grateful when you dismantle irreplaceable history by hand with your mob of teens, saving them precious hours of work.

Floygen

I hated this part of Red Dead Redemption 2

gellaho

Looking good

FancyShark

This HGTV show sucks

Even Badger will be smashed

Made up for it with the big cannon tho

GDC

"this is the garage", said mitch

Floygen

Has Rob even said anything yet? Is he actually a character?

gellaho

Such ugly trees

Even Badger will be smashed

Max would later go on to ghostwrite The Happening

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Fuck offff with your foreshadowing hindsight Kathryn. You hack.

GDC

Max learned an important lesson about mortality that summer

Floygen

'Hello reader. In this book, magic trees kill people. No, wait, don't leave, please'

gellaho

Kathryn briefly remembers this is supposed to be horror

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

She's from Ohio, and in the 90s. She knows at least one person who died of an overdose and more than one who got pregnant and had to drop out.

What kind of person gets the wibblies from clawed chair legs?

Floygen

No wonder the trees are so deadly. You know how hard it is to find mahogany these days?

FancyShark

Because a house like that would definitely be standing in the Keys

gellaho

Classic sibling banter

gellaho

Max seems exhausting

Floygen

'They think teenagers only have sex on their minds. And by they, I mean I, and only I. What?'

gellaho

Engage Robo-Mom 9000

FancyShark

Max would sometimes get out the burlap sack where she kept the souvenirs from her boyfriends. Most had rotted away

Brendan

I'm not interested in the stout mahogany's feet, I want to know how enviable that chair's breasts are

Even Badger will be smashed

Max has not yet figured out that settling is an option.

GDC

Yeah, those seventh grade boys are all looking to settle down and start a family so quickly

Floygen

'Uh, Mrs. Dwyer, can we go home? The murder trees are making us horny'

Even Badger will be smashed

Speak for yourself, go back to the table feet :FuckApe:

gellaho

Pointless mystery is back, baby!

Even Badger will be smashed

Aww, Dweebenheimer was trying to confess his love. What a dipstick

FancyShark

He was working up the courage to say he screams in his sleep

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Shut the fuck up with your mysterious bullshit, Wesley, you unsauced mound of pulled pork shaped like a man.

Floygen

:nerds:

GDC

Let's see if he lives to tell his secret.

Even Badger will be smashed

I really hope he doesn't

FancyShark

I hope his secret is he doesn't like the club they're in

gellaho

The teacher's mom tells a story about a monster that haunts the beach

gellaho

You can probably figure out how it goes on your own

FancyShark

I assume it purchased a Florida timeshare, got drunk on margaritas and wrecked its galleon?

Even Badger will be smashed

"The mists of time hide his birth" is a really weird way to say you lost his birth certificate, Ms D

GDC

This is an allegory, the demon is meth

Brendan

GREETINGS TRAVELER

gellaho

The teens are incredible wimps

Brendan

Garth already wrote this story in DUBLOON DU BLOOD

mackmiserable

can we give Dean Learner a book OK?!

FancyShark

Teens are horrified by tales of property line disputes

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Yeah Max. Duh, of course its just a story. Psychic lobster gods dont exist."

Even Badger will be smashed

Hahaha look at this Karen try to mythologize past generations of white people kicking the shit out of the people who lived here before