85: Demon's Beach Nicole Davidson

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Casually kicking seals off artifacts.

gellaho

If you actually experienced a Florida summer you would not call the sunshine "friendly"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Its been the whole book and not a single character has been carried off by meth mosquitoes or eaten by palmetto bugs. Fake.

Even Badger will be smashed

"Something is coming between us.

Jesus is his name"

GDC

"to be clear, I don't care. I've boned five other underage girls this week"

gellaho

You deserve to die

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

It would be rad if he just told her the truth and when she admits she does like Wes he's just cool about it.

FancyShark

"Why would the IRS care about baked goods?"

"Look, go away."

Ozzie

Even he's surprised she put it together.

And he got the name from her.

gellaho

Absolute moron

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Took her long enough to figure out he told her his name was basically Samsonite Lampstand.

Even Badger will be smashed

Not that Kathryn will ever let anything happen to her precious insert POV characters but no one in this book is begging for death more than Max

NostraThomas TommyG

The Florida Baking Institute is VERY interested in recipes

gellaho

Not having any rootable characters is good, right?

GDC

I would have thought Florida authorities would be more interested in cooking than Baking.

Brendan

Not even bothered that he got her name off her typewriter before he entered the house officially.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Honestly Andy, you shouldnt fuck her just because I dont think she's mentally able to consent, it would be like fucking someone elses ham. Awkward and ethically wrong.

Brendan

"SMOOCH Well I'll let you get back to your brother. Nighty nighty, sweet lips."

GDC

Speaking from experience.

FancyShark

See, it's funny because he didn't wreck her reputation but he did get in a car wreck

NostraThomas TommyG

It's how hams are glazed

gellaho

Figure out this transition

Brendan

Hear me out: what if Brodey is to blame for his dumb accident?

Brendan

Virgins have weird wet dreams

gellaho

Well, a truck drove him off the road

FancyShark

That doesn't sound like Ohio State hopeful material to me

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Really? Cos it's got "Ohio" written all over it.

Brendan

She's playing with FIRE because it's SYMBOLISM and also Adler doesn't have HAVE a CAR

GDC

The spilling gas represents brodeys's spilling cerebrospinal fluid.

gellaho

Barbara's dream turns out to be prophetic

FancyShark

I hope the window's locked and she has to klutz her way through it

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Jesus fuck Kathryn, I realize the Barbara's you knew as a kid were cruel but setting them on fire is a bit much.

NostraThomas TommyG

Jump,through it like a final girl!

gellaho

The fumes cause her to flashback

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

You're an adult now, you should have some distance to put these things in their proper perspective, Kathryn.

Even Badger will be smashed

Tfw I'm sending a silent message to those weirdoes down on the beach

NostraThomas TommyG

Is she?

gellaho

This is real weak motivation for not squealing on the weird drifter

Even Badger will be smashed

Wait the hacking thing actually happened? That's not a fake memory planted by the inversion demon?

Brendan

They call me firecrotch.

jakesy “the korf magician”

Next thing you know Broday is going to be trading his autograph for free tattoos

gellaho

Anyway, Barbara gives up and dies. Sleep well, kids!

NostraThomas TommyG

Worst Malibu hero ever. He only sold one comic. Not issue. Total

jakesy “the korf magician”

JIM TRESSEL SLAM

Brendan

Barbara has a LOT going on for a 17-year-old

gellaho

Not anymore she doesn't

FancyShark

She died as she lived. On fire.

gellaho

Flawless transition

Even Badger will be smashed

Back on the board with one death. We were trending at negative one for a bit there

jakesy “the korf magician”

Zelda with the tri force move

gellaho

Because when you have multiple people and a deck of cards, you play solitaire

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hahahahaha DOUBLE SOLITARE! The game too boring for old people.

jakesy “the korf magician”

It's what all the teens are doing

Also it's a euphemism for beating off next to each other

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

At least it wasnt Black Jack Jiggle or Strip Poker.

jakesy “the korf magician”

I see what you did there Kathryn

gellaho

Kathryn forgot Zelda is the freakishly strong one

NostraThomas TommyG

She was tired from all that card throwing

gellaho

Great writing

FancyShark

Herbert the Vengeful Ghost

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"No I wont admit that Herbert West is real and coming here."

GDC

Let's talk about this while everyone burns to death.

NostraThomas TommyG

He REALLY doesn't want to be your friend

gellaho

Eh, I'm not going to even try

Even Badger will be smashed

Neither is Kathryn

FancyShark

"We did all we could"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Barbracue.

Even Badger will be smashed

"Somehow Barbara won't return"

Keith

Finally reading 'The Good Soldier Svejk'. Can already tell it's going to be one of those books like 'Slaughterhouse Five' that I'm going to be like, why the hell did I wait so long, and it will stay in a corner of my head forever

FancyShark

Max's eulogy at Barbara's funeral is just a shrug

gellaho

It's too bad they are the only ones on the island

gellaho

Maybe

Possibly

NostraThomas TommyG

They'll all have memorial flashbacks

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"I never liked her, and that summer vacation where she was actually kind of doing nice shit for everyone didnt change anything."

gellaho

That's not really a confession

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"She made my pet dork a hunk and I will NEVER FORGIVE HER! I will sneak back here later tonight to piss on her grave! DINNER IS ASPARAGUS!"

NostraThomas TommyG

Barabara is really Herbert

FancyShark

"I can't stomach this any longer! I have to tell Wes he's a good friend!"

NostraThomas TommyG

Padme and Anakin were hotter

gellaho

IT'S THE WEIRD BOY THAT SHOWED UP OUT OF NOWHERE, YOU IDIOT

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Yeah kill Wes on the spot too, Max.

Brendan

Her boyfriend George Glass

Ozzie

This is what Kathryn screamed into a mirror while plotting.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Or was Max delusional and this was a series of unfortunate accidents, with a parallel scheme from her teacher to run off with the doubloon money?"

Ozzie

Speech-to-text left it in the book.

NostraThomas TommyG

Or is the author a hack, because any of those would have been more entertaining

gellaho

Or, you know, maybe someone saw the fire

Brendan

Max has Wife Guy vibes for her first boyfriend.

jakesy “the korf magician”

This book could have been over so quickly

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Max is Czar Nicholas II and all she needs is a Rasputin to cuck the shit out of her.

gellaho

No shit

gellaho

What could be the motivation

Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuh

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"OH FUCK THE TREASURE WORTH MILLIONS WE HAVE BEEN CASUALLY HANDLING AND TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT!"

Even Badger will be smashed

Oh right, the treasure. The supposed plot element the book hinges around

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

To be fair, I also forgot there was a treasure.

GDC

They 'stole' the treasure that has been just washing up on shore for months.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Somehow, because silver spoons and shit are famously buoyant after being encrusted in coral and fish poop for three hundred years.

gellaho

And now, rapidly jumping to conclusions

FancyShark

"But the real treasure was inside us all along!"

"FUCK! MY KIDNEYS!"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

The artifacts in question are just a shipping container of Garfield phones.

Mrs. Dwyer plans to refurbish and sell them.

Even Badger will be smashed

IT'S ALWAYS THE ORGAN HARVESTING MONEY

gellaho

Mine!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

She told these kids they were Spainish treasure from Atlantis or some shit so she wouldnt have to share the profit.

NostraThomas TommyG

You mean my Football phone from Sports Illustrated is worth less??

gellaho

Which part is her snapping back to reality

NostraThomas TommyG

But but it came free along with the swimsuit issue and the year in sports!!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

No those are clearly a collectors item what will retain its value forever.

NostraThomas TommyG

Oh thank goodness!

jakesy “the korf magician”

Snap back to reality/ ope, there goes gravity

FancyShark

Empathy makes Max question reality

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

She immediately starts to suspect Wes is the murderer.

gellaho

All those Floridian cliffs and caves

jakesy “the korf magician”

You know, on the keys

FancyShark

I hope they dressed warm for those freezing night winds

jakesy “the korf magician”

All those

Caves

NostraThomas TommyG

And cliffs

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Yup. Famously riddled with cave systems, the Keys and general Carribean area.

jakesy “the korf magician”

As Jimmy Buffett sings about his time in margaritaville, all the cliffs and caves

gellaho

The coral is sticking out of the water?

gellaho

It's where the flamingos live

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

It's where the term "man cave" come from, derived from the Creek word "Manacave".

Even Badger will be smashed

Oh good, we solved the oceans rising

NostraThomas TommyG

Soooo I don't have to buy a Prius

gellaho

That dastardly Acne-man

jakesy “the korf magician”

Now all they have to do is cross the vast Floridian desert with the treasure

Brendan

the Andy-Christ is real!

Ozzie

This is like the fifth time she's had the feeling that there's danger around, Kathryn gave her self-insert Spider-Sense, a move I personally cannot rightfully condemn.

gellaho

You. Are. The. Dumbest. Character. And. I. Hate. You.

Ozzie

GREAT question, Max.

Brendan

The only one whose POV we saw immediately with a description that matched only him for the matching scene where he showed up...

jakesy “the korf magician”

It's not even a betrayal, she knew nothing about him

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

The guy who told you his name was Chair Greatsit? Untrustworthy?! SHOCK!

NostraThomas TommyG

I have a suspicion that Max has "breathe in" tattooed on her right arm and "breathe out" tattooed on her left arm

FancyShark

Max would go on to have her heart broken when she found out her call wasn't very important to Comcast's customer service

Brendan

Did the 11 hours we spent as boyfriend and girlfriend mean NOTHING to you, Andadler?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Honey he literally told you his name was an object in his line of sight. You deserve this.

gellaho

Don't really know how he knew that Wesley used to be a geek

GDC

Man. If you can't trust a drifter who's into high school girls, who can you trust?

NostraThomas TommyG

All right all right all right!

Brendan

I'd much rather kiss you than light a match to your bed is also Adam Driver's third-best line in GIRLS.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

He's.........upset this teenage girl has decided not to murder her friends and run away with a skeevy drifter and his greasy henchman? Well, thats what I expect from a dude who's idea of a good fake name is Cokebottle Remotecontrol.

gellaho

You still thought there was a possibility that he was a demon? Do you know how to tie your shoes?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hahahahah I love that this book thinks we were taking the demon subplot seriously enough they needed to rule it out.

jakesy “the korf magician”

Lol

Good we finally ruled out demons

FancyShark

...I was taking the demon subplot seriously

gellaho

I don't know how great a criminal Adler can be if his only partner is a drunk 16 year old

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Oh and Max? Most of that shit? Not even my fault, yall are just shitty."

Even Badger will be smashed

Oh so everyone in this book was just an insane asshole offscreen the whole time? That's seriously the twist?

jakesy “the korf magician”

Next question: is he a Bigfoot

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I admire your optimism that this book would be interesting after the last one.

gellaho

No, see, everyone completely changed personalities for no reason

It's called writing

GDC

Did we ever figure out the deal with the pirate ghost from the prologue?

gellaho

Oh, sorry, because Barbara suggested it

FancyShark

Hope never dies

gellaho

Which is basically the same thing

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"TEENS!" Screeches Kathryn as she is dragged away by the police for questioning.

Even Badger will be smashed

Ok so after we finish caging this book we need to hunt down Kathryn and make sure she's stopped writing

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I assume it was Lobstor's dreadful henchman, The Red Herring.

gellaho

"Or it's because of the storm. Whatever"

Brendan

I call 'im Butch, but I saw his driver's license once. Rex, it said.

gellaho

It's high tide/storm flooded but that coral is still above the surface

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

To be fair alot of this is either how teens act or close to how adults in the 90s THOUGHT teens acted so Kathryn has put in SOME effort.

GDC

Does coral grow in spurs?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Less drinking than real teens.

FancyShark

I think she's squandered the right to be treated fairly

gellaho

Some fun for the kids

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I think it just goes to show what a fuckin nutcase she is, that making teens believably teenish was her main focus instead of making a fun book to read.

FancyShark

Kids love tender flesh!

NostraThomas TommyG

Kathryn is three pages away from someone asking "sweet or savory flesh!"

Brendan

Young, tender flesh what keeps Butch juvenated

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Hey kids, do you crave the tender flesh and blood of teen virgins? YOU DO?! WELL DO WE HAVE A BOOK FOR YOU!"

Even Badger will be smashed

I swear to god every time I look away this book changes genres.

GDC

Max has obviously never read Gerald's Game.

gellaho

Luckily Jerry was 12 drinks deep

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

It's like Kathryn got white girl drunk and watched part of a Hong Kong movie like Rich and Famous and took in "tonal whiplash" and nothing else.

FancyShark

Now this is Hydrox Nancy Drew

GDC

Wait he was drinking from a pint glass in a cave?

gellaho

"Wha? Adler, huh?"

FancyShark

He's not a savage

NostraThomas TommyG

Dollar General Hardly Boyz

Ozzie

I think a pint bottle of hard liquor

Brendan

It sliced his tendon. Rob will never fuck up piano again.

FancyShark

Rob had his heart broken too?

Adler, you slut

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Saltlamp Bagofcandy is a fuckin ninja.

gellaho

The only way Kathryn knows how to end a book is massive blood loss

gellaho

Even Badger will be smashed

Mom will kill me if I let someone murder my fuck brother!

FancyShark

Second time in as many books, their teacher is so fired

gellaho

"How should I end this? The same way as the last book! I am a genius"

NostraThomas TommyG

"I'm the only one who can penetrate my baby brother!"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Wes blasts Emptycup Mousepad with a shotgun, audience applauds.

gellaho

The eyes are really the only idea Kathryn had

FancyShark

See, this is why people from Ohio don't go to Florida to salvage Spanish galleon treasure

NostraThomas TommyG

You know, that was literally in a Mads streaming movie. This guy uses the last name Minor because there was a sign in the bar saying "no minors allowed"

Brendan

Evil is all the colors of the rainbow

gellaho

https://youtu.be/WmybXptjADo

Ozzie

Wait, shit, is he a demon after all now?

NostraThomas TommyG

I'm not lying

jakesy “the korf magician”

We still haven't ruled out that he's a cryptid

NostraThomas TommyG

Are you sure it's not

Hungry Eyes!

gellaho

Well now. Maybe we're getting somewhere

gellaho

Brendan

So they're pigpiling him, but he's crawling on his knees on rock, but she can also see his eyes from behind but also he's not using the knife he's slinging and crawling one-handed...

jakesy “the korf magician”

Wait what

Why are there chemicals

FancyShark

Florida chemical cave. Duh

NostraThomas TommyG

Chemical Vat

Oh dang, there's the origin story of like 6 Batman villains

Even Badger will be smashed

"No, not the cup, I might miss with it… I know! I'll throw this VAT OF BUBBLING ACID!!"

jakesy “the korf magician”

Ohhhhhhhhhhh I get it

GDC

The usual stuff you do with chemicals in Florida.

jakesy “the korf magician”

This is where the meth comes in

NostraThomas TommyG

Meth?

Scooped

Brendan

All of this because these kids wanted Adler to surrender his gas stove. Really makes you think.

gellaho

It's for the artifacts

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Silver polish, bathtub gin, and meth fixins. The normal things you bring to a treasure hunt where you murder teens.

Even Badger will be smashed

Pretty sure Kathryn is writing with either one hand or no brain at this point

Brendan

This is Florida, you guys could have made the bath salts joke instead.

gellaho

They'll get fucked up if you just take them out of the seawater after hundreds of years

NostraThomas TommyG

Or Meth

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

We're funnier than that.

gellaho

Plus all the barnacles and whatnot

NostraThomas TommyG

Are we?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Yes.

gellaho

Anyway, burning flesh

NostraThomas TommyG

I know

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Meth is way funnier than bath salts.

NostraThomas TommyG

Yup, Batman Villian

gellaho

Eh, they're all easy jokes

FancyShark

Dammit, now Adler's Daredevil

gellaho

And now he's Jason Voorhees

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"JESUS MAX! We had him outnumbered and shit! You didnt have to melt his face! Oh god the smell!"

Brendan

whoa

gellaho

"Not my backup option!"

gellaho

Brendan

this book really worked for consequential violence and then let Adler peer into the compression cannon

NostraThomas TommyG

CLIFF??

GDC

The cliffs of Florida.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Ibuprofen Ps4controller is really strong for a dude who just got his face melted.

Ozzie

If you get grappled by a blind guy like that, there's no helping you.

gellaho

What luck

Even Badger will be smashed

Well no shit he wasn't so lucky, Max threw a goblet of acid into his face

Ozzie

A mysterious twinkle? What the fuck is this supposed to mean?

gellaho

WASTE OF FUCKING WHAT, YOU STUPID CHILD

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Looks like you arent going to have to find a new inexplicable simp, Max.

FancyShark

Cut to Adler, his eyes impaled on coral, screaming in agony

Even Badger will be smashed

Dude was leaving this story looking like the Last Giant Lord either way

jakesy “the korf magician”

Hi, my name is D.X. Machina, I'm here to save you

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Prime dick. A waste of prime dick. That's what Kathryn is getting at.

Brendan

She'll never love instantly again

NostraThomas TommyG

You could have just clonked him on the head! Not melt his face!

gellaho

Abusive boyfriend to the rescue

gellaho