Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage
Casually kicking seals off artifacts.
Casually kicking seals off artifacts.
If you actually experienced a Florida summer you would not call the sunshine "friendly"
Its been the whole book and not a single character has been carried off by meth mosquitoes or eaten by palmetto bugs. Fake.
"Something is coming between us.
Jesus is his name"
"to be clear, I don't care. I've boned five other underage girls this week"
You deserve to die
It would be rad if he just told her the truth and when she admits she does like Wes he's just cool about it.
"Why would the IRS care about baked goods?"
"Look, go away."
Even he's surprised she put it together.
And he got the name from her.
Absolute moron
Took her long enough to figure out he told her his name was basically Samsonite Lampstand.
Not that Kathryn will ever let anything happen to her precious insert POV characters but no one in this book is begging for death more than Max
The Florida Baking Institute is VERY interested in recipes
Not having any rootable characters is good, right?
I would have thought Florida authorities would be more interested in cooking than Baking.
Not even bothered that he got her name off her typewriter before he entered the house officially.
Honestly Andy, you shouldnt fuck her just because I dont think she's mentally able to consent, it would be like fucking someone elses ham. Awkward and ethically wrong.
"SMOOCH Well I'll let you get back to your brother. Nighty nighty, sweet lips."
Speaking from experience.
See, it's funny because he didn't wreck her reputation but he did get in a car wreck
It's how hams are glazed
Figure out this transition
Hear me out: what if Brodey is to blame for his dumb accident?
Virgins have weird wet dreams
Well, a truck drove him off the road
That doesn't sound like Ohio State hopeful material to me
Really? Cos it's got "Ohio" written all over it.
She's playing with FIRE because it's SYMBOLISM and also Adler doesn't have HAVE a CAR
The spilling gas represents brodeys's spilling cerebrospinal fluid.
Barbara's dream turns out to be prophetic
I hope the window's locked and she has to klutz her way through it
Jesus fuck Kathryn, I realize the Barbara's you knew as a kid were cruel but setting them on fire is a bit much.
Jump,through it like a final girl!
The fumes cause her to flashback
You're an adult now, you should have some distance to put these things in their proper perspective, Kathryn.
Tfw I'm sending a silent message to those weirdoes down on the beach
Is she?
This is real weak motivation for not squealing on the weird drifter
Wait the hacking thing actually happened? That's not a fake memory planted by the inversion demon?
They call me firecrotch.
Next thing you know Broday is going to be trading his autograph for free tattoos
Anyway, Barbara gives up and dies. Sleep well, kids!
Worst Malibu hero ever. He only sold one comic. Not issue. Total
JIM TRESSEL SLAM
Barbara has a LOT going on for a 17-year-old
Not anymore she doesn't
She died as she lived. On fire.
Flawless transition
Back on the board with one death. We were trending at negative one for a bit there
Zelda with the tri force move
Because when you have multiple people and a deck of cards, you play solitaire
Hahahahaha DOUBLE SOLITARE! The game too boring for old people.
It's what all the teens are doing
Also it's a euphemism for beating off next to each other
At least it wasnt Black Jack Jiggle or Strip Poker.
I see what you did there Kathryn
Kathryn forgot Zelda is the freakishly strong one
She was tired from all that card throwing
Great writing
Herbert the Vengeful Ghost
"No I wont admit that Herbert West is real and coming here."
Let's talk about this while everyone burns to death.
He REALLY doesn't want to be your friend
Eh, I'm not going to even try
Neither is Kathryn
"We did all we could"
Barbracue.
"Somehow Barbara won't return"
Finally reading 'The Good Soldier Svejk'. Can already tell it's going to be one of those books like 'Slaughterhouse Five' that I'm going to be like, why the hell did I wait so long, and it will stay in a corner of my head forever
Max's eulogy at Barbara's funeral is just a shrug
It's too bad they are the only ones on the island
Maybe
Possibly
They'll all have memorial flashbacks
"I never liked her, and that summer vacation where she was actually kind of doing nice shit for everyone didnt change anything."
That's not really a confession
"She made my pet dork a hunk and I will NEVER FORGIVE HER! I will sneak back here later tonight to piss on her grave! DINNER IS ASPARAGUS!"
Barabara is really Herbert
"I can't stomach this any longer! I have to tell Wes he's a good friend!"
Padme and Anakin were hotter
IT'S THE WEIRD BOY THAT SHOWED UP OUT OF NOWHERE, YOU IDIOT
Yeah kill Wes on the spot too, Max.
Her boyfriend George Glass
This is what Kathryn screamed into a mirror while plotting.
"Or was Max delusional and this was a series of unfortunate accidents, with a parallel scheme from her teacher to run off with the doubloon money?"
Speech-to-text left it in the book.
Or is the author a hack, because any of those would have been more entertaining
Or, you know, maybe someone saw the fire
Max has Wife Guy vibes for her first boyfriend.
This book could have been over so quickly
Max is Czar Nicholas II and all she needs is a Rasputin to cuck the shit out of her.
No shit
What could be the motivation
Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuh
"OH FUCK THE TREASURE WORTH MILLIONS WE HAVE BEEN CASUALLY HANDLING AND TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT!"
Oh right, the treasure. The supposed plot element the book hinges around
To be fair, I also forgot there was a treasure.
They 'stole' the treasure that has been just washing up on shore for months.
Somehow, because silver spoons and shit are famously buoyant after being encrusted in coral and fish poop for three hundred years.
And now, rapidly jumping to conclusions
"But the real treasure was inside us all along!"
"FUCK! MY KIDNEYS!"
The artifacts in question are just a shipping container of Garfield phones.
Mrs. Dwyer plans to refurbish and sell them.
IT'S ALWAYS THE ORGAN HARVESTING MONEY
Mine!
She told these kids they were Spainish treasure from Atlantis or some shit so she wouldnt have to share the profit.
You mean my Football phone from Sports Illustrated is worth less??
Which part is her snapping back to reality
But but it came free along with the swimsuit issue and the year in sports!!
No those are clearly a collectors item what will retain its value forever.
Oh thank goodness!
Snap back to reality/ ope, there goes gravity
Empathy makes Max question reality
She immediately starts to suspect Wes is the murderer.
All those Floridian cliffs and caves
You know, on the keys
I hope they dressed warm for those freezing night winds
All those
Caves
And cliffs
Yup. Famously riddled with cave systems, the Keys and general Carribean area.
As Jimmy Buffett sings about his time in margaritaville, all the cliffs and caves
The coral is sticking out of the water?
It's where the flamingos live
It's where the term "man cave" come from, derived from the Creek word "Manacave".
Oh good, we solved the oceans rising
Soooo I don't have to buy a Prius
That dastardly Acne-man
Now all they have to do is cross the vast Floridian desert with the treasure
the Andy-Christ is real!
This is like the fifth time she's had the feeling that there's danger around, Kathryn gave her self-insert Spider-Sense, a move I personally cannot rightfully condemn.
You. Are. The. Dumbest. Character. And. I. Hate. You.
GREAT question, Max.
The only one whose POV we saw immediately with a description that matched only him for the matching scene where he showed up...
It's not even a betrayal, she knew nothing about him
The guy who told you his name was Chair Greatsit? Untrustworthy?! SHOCK!
I have a suspicion that Max has "breathe in" tattooed on her right arm and "breathe out" tattooed on her left arm
Max would go on to have her heart broken when she found out her call wasn't very important to Comcast's customer service
Did the 11 hours we spent as boyfriend and girlfriend mean NOTHING to you, Andadler?
Honey he literally told you his name was an object in his line of sight. You deserve this.
Don't really know how he knew that Wesley used to be a geek
Man. If you can't trust a drifter who's into high school girls, who can you trust?
All right all right all right!
I'd much rather kiss you than light a match to your bed is also Adam Driver's third-best line in GIRLS.
He's.........upset this teenage girl has decided not to murder her friends and run away with a skeevy drifter and his greasy henchman? Well, thats what I expect from a dude who's idea of a good fake name is Cokebottle Remotecontrol.
You still thought there was a possibility that he was a demon? Do you know how to tie your shoes?
Hahahahah I love that this book thinks we were taking the demon subplot seriously enough they needed to rule it out.
Lol
Good we finally ruled out demons
...I was taking the demon subplot seriously
I don't know how great a criminal Adler can be if his only partner is a drunk 16 year old
"Oh and Max? Most of that shit? Not even my fault, yall are just shitty."
Oh so everyone in this book was just an insane asshole offscreen the whole time? That's seriously the twist?
Next question: is he a Bigfoot
I admire your optimism that this book would be interesting after the last one.
No, see, everyone completely changed personalities for no reason
It's called writing
Did we ever figure out the deal with the pirate ghost from the prologue?
Oh, sorry, because Barbara suggested it
Hope never dies
Which is basically the same thing
"TEENS!" Screeches Kathryn as she is dragged away by the police for questioning.
Ok so after we finish caging this book we need to hunt down Kathryn and make sure she's stopped writing
I assume it was Lobstor's dreadful henchman, The Red Herring.
"Or it's because of the storm. Whatever"
I call 'im Butch, but I saw his driver's license once. Rex, it said.
It's high tide/storm flooded but that coral is still above the surface
To be fair alot of this is either how teens act or close to how adults in the 90s THOUGHT teens acted so Kathryn has put in SOME effort.
Does coral grow in spurs?
Less drinking than real teens.
I think she's squandered the right to be treated fairly
Some fun for the kids
I think it just goes to show what a fuckin nutcase she is, that making teens believably teenish was her main focus instead of making a fun book to read.
Kids love tender flesh!
Kathryn is three pages away from someone asking "sweet or savory flesh!"
Young, tender flesh what keeps Butch juvenated
"Hey kids, do you crave the tender flesh and blood of teen virgins? YOU DO?! WELL DO WE HAVE A BOOK FOR YOU!"
I swear to god every time I look away this book changes genres.
Max has obviously never read Gerald's Game.
Luckily Jerry was 12 drinks deep
It's like Kathryn got white girl drunk and watched part of a Hong Kong movie like Rich and Famous and took in "tonal whiplash" and nothing else.
Now this is Hydrox Nancy Drew
Wait he was drinking from a pint glass in a cave?
"Wha? Adler, huh?"
He's not a savage
Dollar General Hardly Boyz
I think a pint bottle of hard liquor
It sliced his tendon. Rob will never fuck up piano again.
Rob had his heart broken too?
Adler, you slut
Saltlamp Bagofcandy is a fuckin ninja.
The only way Kathryn knows how to end a book is massive blood loss
Mom will kill me if I let someone murder my fuck brother!
Second time in as many books, their teacher is so fired
"How should I end this? The same way as the last book! I am a genius"
"I'm the only one who can penetrate my baby brother!"
Wes blasts Emptycup Mousepad with a shotgun, audience applauds.
The eyes are really the only idea Kathryn had
See, this is why people from Ohio don't go to Florida to salvage Spanish galleon treasure
You know, that was literally in a Mads streaming movie. This guy uses the last name Minor because there was a sign in the bar saying "no minors allowed"
Evil is all the colors of the rainbow
https://youtu.be/WmybXptjADo
Wait, shit, is he a demon after all now?
I'm not lying
We still haven't ruled out that he's a cryptid
Are you sure it's not
Hungry Eyes!
Well now. Maybe we're getting somewhere
So they're pigpiling him, but he's crawling on his knees on rock, but she can also see his eyes from behind but also he's not using the knife he's slinging and crawling one-handed...
Wait what
Why are there chemicals
Florida chemical cave. Duh
Chemical Vat
Oh dang, there's the origin story of like 6 Batman villains
"No, not the cup, I might miss with it… I know! I'll throw this VAT OF BUBBLING ACID!!"
Ohhhhhhhhhhh I get it
The usual stuff you do with chemicals in Florida.
This is where the meth comes in
Meth?
Scooped
All of this because these kids wanted Adler to surrender his gas stove. Really makes you think.
It's for the artifacts
Silver polish, bathtub gin, and meth fixins. The normal things you bring to a treasure hunt where you murder teens.
Pretty sure Kathryn is writing with either one hand or no brain at this point
This is Florida, you guys could have made the bath salts joke instead.
They'll get fucked up if you just take them out of the seawater after hundreds of years
Or Meth
We're funnier than that.
Plus all the barnacles and whatnot
Are we?
Yes.
Anyway, burning flesh
I know
Meth is way funnier than bath salts.
Yup, Batman Villian
Eh, they're all easy jokes
Dammit, now Adler's Daredevil
And now he's Jason Voorhees
"JESUS MAX! We had him outnumbered and shit! You didnt have to melt his face! Oh god the smell!"
whoa
"Not my backup option!"
this book really worked for consequential violence and then let Adler peer into the compression cannon
CLIFF??
The cliffs of Florida.
Ibuprofen Ps4controller is really strong for a dude who just got his face melted.
If you get grappled by a blind guy like that, there's no helping you.
What luck
Well no shit he wasn't so lucky, Max threw a goblet of acid into his face
A mysterious twinkle? What the fuck is this supposed to mean?
WASTE OF FUCKING WHAT, YOU STUPID CHILD
Looks like you arent going to have to find a new inexplicable simp, Max.
Cut to Adler, his eyes impaled on coral, screaming in agony
Dude was leaving this story looking like the Last Giant Lord either way
Hi, my name is D.X. Machina, I'm here to save you
Prime dick. A waste of prime dick. That's what Kathryn is getting at.
She'll never love instantly again
You could have just clonked him on the head! Not melt his face!
Abusive boyfriend to the rescue