85: Demon's Beach Nicole Davidson

FancyShark

I like how the lost treasure of the Spanish galleon plot thread has been completely abandoned

Brendan

Mmmmm, that GOOD Key West homemde pizza

gellaho

The inventor was the other nerd, Brodey

Brendan

You can't have TWO nerds

Even Badger will be smashed

I mean, who turns down pizza

FancyShark

oh right. Wesley's entire personality was "loser"

Ozzie

We're too busy seeing Wesley get everything Nathan would've died for.

FancyShark

Kathryn cheated

Brendan

It'd be like making the popular cheerleader not the slut, or putting a SECOND plain jane in a bunch of clubs.

jakesy “the korf magician”

I see all I've missed so far are teenage boners

FancyShark

Sexy bad boy with motorcycle is Inverted Brodey

jakesy “the korf magician”

Par for the course with this author

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Yup. Not a hint of Lobstor, Spawn of the Deep.

gellaho

Rob is definitely looking forward to getting murdered by Mitch

Brendan

This Lobstor joke has legs

At least six of em

FancyShark

Meanwhile, Barbara has fallen down nine staircases

gellaho

GDC

Brodey is going to end up as a meat crayon after a bad spill in his bathing suit.

Brendan

Brodey is going Key-fer Sutherland

gellaho

This is going to end well

Brendan

The most incipient form of Sutherland

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Max just now pitching in to defend Barbara despite Barbara being a cruel bitch back home.

Max is a real lover of the status quo.

gellaho

Just some great kids

FancyShark

Inverted Barbara is a klutz

jakesy “the korf magician”

Somebody's going to get the Mrs D

FancyShark

I just realized

GDC

I think spending the summer in a neck brace would teach her humility.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Yes hang Barbara with a garden hose, Adler. Much quicker than jumping off a roof.

Brendan

At least if these kids start getting murdered the inverted cops will show up quickly to take brave action.

jakesy “the korf magician”

They're in it for the swamp pizza

gellaho

Seems to be going great

FancyShark

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

All it took to shatter Barbara's mind was tripping a couple times over a weekend.

jakesy “the korf magician”

Does the author know that cheerleading and gymnastics are different things

gellaho

Wheeeeeeeeee

FancyShark

CANNONBALLLLLLL!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Nerve tearing is what Barbara is experiencing now, literally.

gellaho

Her eyelashes are red?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Enjoy being the sad cheerleader in the wheelchair at the bottom of the pyramid Barb.

FancyShark

Barbara insists her leg is fine and tries another cartwheel off the house

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

You only broke a leg, geez. Unless you're part horse you'll cheer again.

GDC

Dwyer has excellent bedside manner.

gellaho

More mystery, more!

Even Badger will be smashed

"I have no idea 😉 what possessed 😉 you!"

Ozzie

The carpet matches the eyelashes

gellaho

Later, MORE MYSTERY

FancyShark

Inverting Zelda is going to take forever with all her traits

Ozzie

I agree that miscommunication is a good source of conflict but I disagree that this means characters should just loudly announce that they're being withholding before walking out of the scene.

GDC

Zelda is going to be... Not Asian?

FancyShark

And not Jewish. And not not quite fat. And not introverted. And not insecure

Brendan

More golden than crimson, in my experience, but yeah.

gellaho

I can't imagine who's stealing stuff

FancyShark

Oh no! The teenagers didn't secure the artifacts! The archeologists are going to be so miffed!

Ozzie

He didn't bring a bag? He's just walking back with silverware in his pants?

Brendan

nice! now he's protected against the demon possessing him to become a thief.

Even Badger will be smashed

Dude put as much planning into this treasure heist as Beni from The Mummy

gellaho

Jerry seems fun

Even Badger will be smashed

by which I mean "almost none"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I see I didnt miss much after Barbara shattered her leg and her dreams.

Brendan

She can still play rugby!

GDC

And now she knows when it's about to rain when her knee acts up.

gellaho

Everyone in this book is such a weenie

gellaho

FancyShark

"I should warn you, that wasn't cocaine. You just inhaled about a pound of Ajax"

NostraThomas TommyG

"My sinuses are REALLY clear"

GDC

They're drinking wine from the sunken galleon.

It's still good!

gellaho

Brodey out here hacking the planet

gellaho

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Never trust a Jerry in a criminal enterprise. The Jerry is a spineless person, prone to ratting. You're just setting yourself up to have an informant.

Even Badger will be smashed

Bwuh-

What???

We're hacking governments now?!

jakesy “the korf magician”

Buddy you don't need any skills to get into Ohio state

Floygen

I left for an hour to deal with a work issue and we've gone from horny death trees to cyber hacking

FancyShark

So you're worried Barbara will slip a disk to the FBI? Hahaha, it's funny because she'll never walk again

jakesy “the korf magician”

Fuckin safety school's safety school right there

gellaho

Brodey goes out joyriding at 3am without a helmet because he is very smart

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hahahahaha you poor asshole, you invented a pocket computer 20 years early and your school of choice is Ohio State.

Brendan

All this took was a 2400 modem and a knowledge of what cd /b >dir does

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

He forgot to comment his message out, thats all.

Even Badger will be smashed

It's rare that a movie is better than the book but so far Cabin in the Woods is way better than the source text

FancyShark

Adler's inversion aura has a radius. That's good to know

jakesy “the korf magician”

gellaho

The truck got him

NostraThomas TommyG

Where's the hillbilly murder family with the husband bulge

Even Badger will be smashed

Absolutely did not guess Brodey would be the first one dead

FancyShark

Died on the cliffs of Florida

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I was beginning to think this wouldnt have a body count AT ALL!

Even Badger will be smashed

I think at this point that's either Mitch or Jerry

gellaho

So it's 70 degrees?

Floygen

This is my first exposure to the character of Brody - violently impaled through the head by jagged stones

FancyShark

You live in an arid desert, right?

Brendan

In retrospect it was a mistake to hook the DC capitol traffic lights up to the ALL-GOVERNMENT mainframe

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

The famously cold Florida nights.

Brendan

Shame on you all for not emojing this

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Wesley is just trying to jackhammer Max tho, get it all hot in there and maybe she'll take off her jacket.

FancyShark

Haven't seen it yet!

gellaho

73 and humid, brrrrrr

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Meanwhile I'm sweating just thinking about it being over 70.

Brendan

I want brodey's obituary to be the inverse of that "Guy who got shot after a lifetime of crime was talking about turning things around" story you always see.

FancyShark

It's 20 degrees here and I'm looking forward to it being warm enough to not freeze the air into knives

gellaho

Fucking fake nerd

Brendan

I want "Pleasantly plump computer dork had recently brought down the U.S. government" obituary

He only tried to War Games but he accidentally Mr. Roboted

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I wish it was that cold all year here.

NostraThomas TommyG

It's 50 degrees here in Long Island. I thought it was winter

Floygen

"This time, he was pushed too far... off a cliff, face-first into a bed of sharp stones"

FancyShark

"Bro killed just when he was gonna get crunked. Total bummer. Also hacked the popo."

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

YEAH GET SOME WES YOU GROUND HOTDOG IN A SKIN SUIT!

Your taste is shit but shoot your shot my guy.

jakesy “the korf magician”

Now he's going to a mediocre state school where he's going to get stuffed into a locker by Cardale Jones

Ozzie

He could still be alive, maybe his skull inverted into not getting powdered by high speed collisions,

Even Badger will be smashed

"You should like me instead" as a pickup line is a real Chad move tbh

gellaho

Max, you just fall in love with any handsome teen that wanders near you, don't you?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Just dont turn into an incel when Max reveals she's a judgy pain in the balls.

FancyShark

Uh oh. Max is turning into a liquid

Floygen

As we all know, we can't possibly see eyes through glasses. It's not like the whole point of non-polarizing or tinted glasses is to be transparent to allow light through, leaving them exposed or anything

Brendan

Whenever I see stuff like that I remember how many kid things I still did and thought at 20, and I wasn't surrounded by tens of thousands of people telling me I was Jesus Christ with body armor.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Oooof guy, she thinks youre "comfortable", you're never gonna with her. Best start chatting up Lucy.

gellaho

Meanwhile, Zelda is having some kind of Superman complex

GDC

She woke up covered in nerd goop.

NostraThomas TommyG

You mean, you stopped at age 20?

Brendan

Like one time I left errant code in the CIA's TRS-80 and it accidentally ended the cold war

NostraThomas TommyG

Lots and lots of drool

Brendan

No, I just monetized it.

jakesy “the korf magician”

I mean he's not wrong either, he didn't get recruited there to play school

Floygen

I probably missed like 6 character introductions, didn't I

Even Badger will be smashed

The wise man's move

gellaho

Because communicating anything is hard

Brendan

Loyalty to Adler.

FancyShark

Zelda knew only one way to keep them safe. She would bury them all. Nice and safe. Down where it was dark. Dark and quiet.

GDC

Zelda has a lot of blood on her hands.

Brendan

Honestly, the dumb drama of teen brain is a great credit to this book's realism.

gellaho

Loooooooooow standards

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

SIMP! SIIIIIIIIIIIIMP!

gellaho

I must have hung out with smarter teens

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

That's good simping Wes.

Even Badger will be smashed

This is the politest way anyone has ever asked another person to sit on their face

Brendan

Wesley absolutely wears transitions, though.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

It's the True Way of the Simp.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Lucy would absolutely, Max will never notice.

Floygen

'It was a pillow for my feet, though.'

'Haha, even better'

gellaho

What a cool dude

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Light teasing" is not "playing with your emotions" you psychopath.

FancyShark

Adler, you know you can kill these people, don't you?

gellaho

"I've got a nerd now"

Even Badger will be smashed

If this dude really is an ageless demon I really hate the optics of him flirting with this high schooler

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

YEah he isnt going to get jealous of the human pork cutlet effigy.

jakesy “the korf magician”

Talking with my pusssaaaaaaayy

GDC

And with that wes's death warrant was signed.

Even Badger will be smashed

Holy fuck, has there been a single relationship here that hasn't been some kind of irredeemably fucked?

Kathryn, are you okay?

Brendan

He Twilightin'

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Kathryn was a Max in school, so no. She's very much not okay.

Brendan

Sweet lips, blink twice if you can feel yourself inverting a talent.

Even Badger will be smashed

If we find out later that Adler imprinted on Max in the womb and that's why this is all okay I'm going to hurl

gellaho

RIP

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

This is just one substitute teacher working out her lingering resentments and traumas from high school.

gellaho

J/k

Even Badger will be smashed

Hahaha go fuck yourself Kathryn

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Dont........dont say things like "her brothers strong arms" Kathryn.

FancyShark

Fortunately, Brodey was aiming for Ohio State, so most of the lost brain matter doesn't need to be scraped off the rocks

gellaho

"I love this crippled child"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Mrs. Franklin, colorized.

Floygen

Did he not careen from a motor vehicle into a crag pit brain-first? How the fuck do you survive that?

Even Badger will be smashed

His pleasant plumpness cushioned his crash

gellaho

Yeah, I wonder

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

He was wearing his helmet, its fine.

Even Badger will be smashed

Big if true

Brendan

it's THE ohio state!

Floygen

This really is horror villain Ms. Frizzle

Brendan

Although I will say most of Brodey's articulation is indefinite now.

jakesy “the korf magician”

THE safety school

gellaho

Yes. I fucking wonder who, you idiots

FancyShark

I think it's Mitch

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"THIS IS MY ONE CHANCE TO QUIT MY SHITTY JOB TEACHING YOU LOSER FUCKASS KIDS! No way am I backing out now!"

"Mrs. D, did you mean to say that out loud?!"

"YES! NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DIG!"

Floygen

I miss when the trees were demons

gellaho

Kathryn went out of her way to say he wasn't. Gotta make it (un)believable

Floygen

Looming over the 3-foot beach cliffs

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Wow these kids jumped to Salem Witch Trial paranoia quickly.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I assumed Kathryn forgot he wasnt tbh.

Either that or Brodey has Homer Skull Syndrome.

Even Badger will be smashed

He passed out of the personality inversion field and the helmet materialized back onto his head before the crash

FancyShark

"Because you see, kids, drugs are the real demon that manipulates you into crashing your motorcycle in the cliffs of Florida. Hi, I'm Chase Cleanveins, and today, I'm here to rap with you about the dangers of the devil dust. But first, WHO LIKES THREE DAYS GRACE?"

gellaho

Not quite the Usual Suspects

jakesy “the korf magician”

I wait

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"The only thing I shoot into my veins is raw uncut Christ!"

jakesy “the korf magician”

His last name is Elite

gellaho

What about him is good, Max

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Is..........this supposed to be a revelation? Her boyfriend has a weird fake surname?

GDC

If my last name was Elite I would just assume no one would believe me when I told them.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Oh of the East Coast Elites?"

Even Badger will be smashed

How many pages into the book are we, exactly?

Genuine question.

FancyShark

Five

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Maybe the Washington Elites? Perhaps Boston Elites? What branch of the Elites do you hail from?"

jakesy “the korf magician”

You guys know, that famous typewriter brand Adler Elite

The one that everyone knows

gellaho

Wes outlines his "this is all Barbara's fault" theory

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Yeah Wes, that doesnt track well. She broke her OWN leg to get back at MAx? That is the kind of plan the Other Other White Meat would come up with, you goddam slab of dude pork.

gellaho

Her forked tongue can manipulate all the teens

gellaho

Because people's personalities can change just like that with just a suggestion

Even Badger will be smashed

Really trying to throw out this red herring

GDC

I still maintain Mitch sold everyone coke.

Even Badger will be smashed

Okay, we're either 104 or 194 pages in and so far exactly zero sunken treasure has been dredged from the shipwreck. The fuck are we doing here

FancyShark

Kathryn went to the writing school of "We'll fix it later"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Oh because telling you "Hey you would be pretty cute if you didnt dress like a nerd and stopped using Brylcreem like its the fucking 50's." is sinister.

gellaho

That's why when I watch TV the commercials constantly change my perspective and buying habits

jakesy “the korf magician”

These kids are for sure not cool enough to do coke

Brendan

Looking back at their talk along the beach, Max realized there was only one set of footprints.

gellaho

"It was a bold strategy breaking her own leg"

GDC

Barbara really committed.

jakesy “the korf magician”

Look if you want to be the best you gotta beat the best

Brendan

Teens famously do whatever an adult they just met suggests. That's teening 101: respect authority on sight

gellaho

"We all know that Barbara used to work in the circus"

Brendan

Yeah but there's so much of it in the Keys it just blows into your food on the east wind

FancyShark

Barbara also sunk the galleon

jakesy “the korf magician”

So that's why they call it a key bump

gellaho

Hey, Kathryn, they have AC

gellaho

It would be impossible for them to live there without it

Brendan

Adler Elite can be rearranged to spell Dealer Lite. COINCIDENCE, Mitch???

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Wes.......jesus. I was socially paranoid in high school, but I didnt spin wild theories about the kids I thought were shitty, you need some help.

FancyShark

Kathryn was one of those kids that genuinely thought Punch didn't know there was a dragon behind him

Brendan

Every one of these teens is like "We die tomorrow" and none of them just want to stop volunteering and go chill in Ft. Lauderdale.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Also Brodey really needs to go to the hospital, maybe its not great to blame an obvious accident on poor Barbara.

gellaho

What a coincidence

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Also fuck you for making me sympathize with Barbara, Kathryn.

FancyShark

That's an easy way to avoid having to write dialogue

gellaho

It's four hours away, but sure

Brendan

I dunno anything on the west side of the state worth partying at.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Well at least its better than "I pulled it from her dormant mind with my Chinese Jew powers." that was in Kathryns original unedited manuscript.

gellaho

It's all the same, it takes a really long time to get through the keys

Even Badger will be smashed

Honestly they could just pull into a Waffle House and ride out the rest of their scheduled trip away from school there

What's Mrs Dwyer gonna do, fire them?

Brendan

I took a bus to FLL in college and was like "Yay! Florida! We made it in 12 hours!"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Waffle House is a bit dangerous tho.

Brendan

12 hours later we were still driving to Ft. Lauderdale

gellaho

These teens are really loosey goosey with their secrets

FancyShark

Their food is filthy and delicious

Brendan

Spring for the plane, you no-good teens

gellaho

It's a big state

Brendan

A whole damn anti-Max conspiracy

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Maybe possibly everyone just hates Max? Are we dealing with an unreliable narrator?

FancyShark

Jesus, Kathryn. Just pay for a therapist

Even Badger will be smashed

Yeah the odds of death are about the same as staying but at least you probably get a meal out of it

Brendan

Anti-Maxxers are dying at elevated rates and no one's sure why.

GDC

Barbara found out Zelda is a CCP operative.

gellaho

Central Air is a thing Kathryn

GDC

Barbara feels the storm coming in her gimp knee.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

And a double agent for the Mossad.

FancyShark

I'm really enjoying gellaho's quiet fury at Kathryn's ignorance of Florida

Even Badger will be smashed

One of those famous surprise cyclones that Florida is always dealing with

gellaho

It's also the summer, so it'd just get more humid

It's Florida

Ozzie

I will do the same for anything and everything set in Minnesota.

Rocky and Bullwinkle knows what it did.

GDC

I think she latched on to sand and assumed Florida has the same climate as new Mexico.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I legit think Kathryn confused the Florida Keys with the UK.

gellaho

Jesus Christ, Max, you are a dipshit

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

These kids are on some Irish beach near Donegal.

Brendan

If they're right on the beach I'll buy the wind doing a lot of the convective lifting.