85: Demon's Beach Nicole Davidson

Brendan

Pretty sure Dean killed the actress who plays Liz.

He gets no book except "If I Did It"

gellaho

maaaaaaaaaaaannnnn

FancyShark

@mackmiserable , are you joining us for book cage?

gellaho

It was a bunch of natural disasters, but thanks for playing

mackmiserable

i have to admit i have no idea what any of that stuff means 🙂

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Kathryn writes the shitty girls alot better and more naturally than she writes anything else, so I think we can say which camps she landed in or would have liked to.

gellaho

Meanwhile, Wesley is HOT

FancyShark

Gellaho's reading a book and we're riffing it. You're welcome to join us! Happens every Friday

gellaho

Snake

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Wesley you spineless lump of sun bleached horse meat, when someone could get hurt you NEED TO TALK.

FancyShark

What a natural way to say he clawed at the snake

gellaho

"Ignore that he already opened his eyes" - Kathryn

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Wesley you half awake boneless chicken carcass, this is how you get bitten by snakes.

Dream snakes doubly.

mackmiserable

might join another time that sounds rad

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

It's your fucking spirit guide, pay heed to its ancient wisdom.

FancyShark

Wesley really can't handle a backed-up toilet, can he?

Brendan

How awkward for Lucy that Wesley's incubus looks nothing like her.

gellaho

Zelda broods about how she used to be fat

Brendan

Zelda, if they don't like you no matter what, it's not your fatness getting in the way of your friendship.

It's their inability to eroticize the thicker woman.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Zelda you are probably not popular now, given your earlier mumblings about how people are the real monsters.

Even Badger will be smashed

This is a lot of plates to have spinning right before the pirate treasure murderer shows up

FancyShark

Stealing treasure is the perfect time to gain weight and lose popularity

gellaho

This is a great relationship

gellaho

Brendan

Shipping Wesley/Zelda from here on out.

Even Badger will be smashed

"That's the last time I'm going to tell you I love you" is an. Interesting line to draw in this relationship

Brendan

Greetings, Denise. It is I, your boyfriend Mitch Spanish. Despite my glittering eyes, I am not this how you say drug dealer.

FancyShark

Nice of Kathryn to make the Latino guy a drug user

GDC

Denise, you literally have sunken treasure washing up on the beach. Put two and two together

gellaho

A very healthy relationship

Brendan

"Garbled" to whom, gringa?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"No of course I am not doing the selling or useing of the drugs. I switched to gun running. For the IRA."

Brendan

God, Mitch, get your hot Latin blood under control.

gellaho

MUST CONSUME

FancyShark

Courtesy is not murdering men who say hi to your girlfriend

mmmmmm. Limestone orange juice

Brendan

Mrs. Franklin wants them all to sink to the seafloor in sacrifice to the spirit of the island.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Just a polite stabbing with a switchblade stiletto. Like a gentleman would use.

Ozzie

Love that fresh-squeezed Florida Sunny D

gellaho

Secret hot nerd alert

Even Badger will be smashed

Mrs. Franklin and I are in agreement, just not on the sacrifice thing

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Mrs. Franklin is related to Obed Marsh, calling it.

Even Badger will be smashed

I can name one rigid muscle that's not relaxing

FancyShark

Wesley has a lot of experience rubbing with lotion

gellaho

A very goopy book

FancyShark

"And I'm down to watch"

Even Badger will be smashed

"A one-eyed monster, if you will"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Wesley you turgid lump of grub beef, you were ripped the whole time?

FancyShark

Kathryn wrote The Dark Pictures games, didn't she?

gellaho

MORE unnecessary mystery! More!

Brendan

It's gonna turn out Wesley wanted to warn Max that her fair complexion left her quite vulnerable to equatorial sun damage

He was just relieved to see her applying.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Wesley needs to join the Tank Top Army.

Even Badger will be smashed

Couldn't be. Salim was too nuanced and cool

FancyShark

Eight weeks with someone you suspect has a fragile grip on reality. No red flags there.

gellaho

I guess Max is so pale she's being microwaved by the sun

Ozzie

Fully translucent

FancyShark

Burning the bones a healthy shade of brown

Even Badger will be smashed

That well known Mariah Carey song whose lyrics we shall not repeat

gellaho

"How dare you look at my homely mujer"

Even Badger will be smashed

He's interacted with Brodey for like two seconds and instantly escalated to the Goldberg spear? Maybe it's not the drug use that was the problem with this dude

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

YEAH FIGHT THE GENIUS!

Kick him in the head until he is of average intelligence!

FancyShark

Careful, Mitch! He might build a computer at you!

gellaho

"Fruited gelatin," something a human would definitely say

Even Badger will be smashed

I hope the climax is Brodey using his megamind to analyze Mitch's fighting style to the point of being inbvulnerable

Brendan

Swollen??

Even Badger will be smashed

Just this, up and down the beach

FancyShark

Mitch is a puffer fish. Confirmed

GDC

Fruited Gelatin sounds like some thing Mo would post in Mouth Hole Enthusiasts

gellaho

Cocaine drugs

Brendan

Not the bounce of a woman running down the beach you were expecting, WAS IT, horny teens?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"No, burgers are more important than talking down your near homicidal cokehead boyfriend, DENISE!"

FancyShark

Yep. The way to get rid of a cocaine-fueled blood haze is to sit down for a minute

Even Badger will be smashed

Just fucking sprinting down the coastline with a Jello mold in front of her

Brendan

Denise flirts with other guys because nothing gets her hotter than Mitch kicking their ass for talking to her.

gellaho

Later, a boy appears

gellaho

Even Badger will be smashed

"long down the back of his neck"

Brendan

Enter the murderer

Even Badger will be smashed

Short everywhere else tho

FancyShark

"Hello. I am Sexy Notthekiller"

Even Badger will be smashed

"I'm recording information, hello hew-mon boy"

gellaho

Ah, a drifter who knows about these artifacts

gellaho

Not suspicious at all

FancyShark

Key-hopping?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Hello, it says here in the script I'm going to take your virginity? That seems awkward."

Even Badger will be smashed

Ah, back when you could job hobo to afford college

GDC

He travels via raft with a little sail on it

gellaho

Teacher decides to give this strange homeless boy she knows nothing about a job

gellaho

gellaho

I guess she's trying to lose her job?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Yup, i'm just a young, crunchy dude doing some rambling in the wonderful Florida weather before college."

gellaho

Otherwise, why?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Played by a young Owen Wilson.

FancyShark

These books must be elaborate fantasies Kathryn has about how a teacher gets fired so a substitute can have a full-time job

Even Badger will be smashed

Either she loses her job because of all the kiddy death or she peels the fuck outta town with a trunkful of pirate gold. Either way is a win-win

Brendan

Well, you're blonde, I guess we can trust you with this unregistered precious lucre

GDC

"I'll pay you as little as possible to handle these valuable artifacts, unknown drifter. I am smart."

gellaho

Max, also a moron, decides he's boyfriend material

FancyShark

Adler doesn't need college. He has a full planetarium to manage.

Brendan

So, Adler, what kind of, um, stuff do you like?

Even Badger will be smashed

I wouldn't trust anyone with a last name for a first name for anything longer than a one night stand

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

okay but Max is a tiresome teenage girl from Ohio, so of course the random older guy bumming around the beach in Florida is a turn on.

FancyShark

"SOULLLLLLSSSSSS"

gellaho

The Strangeness: somebody falling down

Even Badger will be smashed

haha eat shit Barbara

No seriously, when does the murdering start

FancyShark

Cheerleaders really are klutzes

Brendan

Not so popular NOW, are you, Barbara??

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

OH NO! Someone get her sub to help her up!

gellaho

The nerd randomly shows up with a motorcycle. If you are wondering why, I don't know

Even Badger will be smashed

Oh I know this scene. He's from TMZ

gellaho

You remember the last book where one person died

Keep your expectations there

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hahahaha Brodey rules.

Even Badger will be smashed

I mean, surely there'll be a murder soon, right

FancyShark

Bathing suit while riding a motorcycle. His legs are probably fine

Brendan

I dunno Brodey

gellaho

Vroom vroom

Brendan

Well, goodbye Suzuki, I guess.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Brodey about to steal Mitch's girlfriend for that ass kicking earlier.

Ride off laughing on his sweet bike.

GDC

I hope Mitch likes hot tire

gellaho

"Key West is only two hours away, can't believe nobody missed me for that long. Almost seems negligent"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"What is he doing?" Max whispered.

"Getting laid." Said everyone else.

FancyShark

Brodey, you're on sand

Even Badger will be smashed

"Six hundred pounds of speeding fury" is how Steven Seagal describes himself on his resume

GDC

Sure brodey, blame the bike

gellaho

This abrupt attitude change is definitely going to be explained later. Definitely.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

His megabrain forgot to account for bad traction.

Even Badger will be smashed

My god, of course!

It's his evil twin brother Drobey!

GDC

Lucy returns with second degree burns on her inner thighs

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Max its no wonder you're a thirsty boyfriendless virgin, if asking you if you want a ride on a cool bike is being a pervert.

FancyShark

I think Kathryn wanted "cool guy" but her definition of cool translated to "nerd"

gellaho

Brodey getting a little fresh

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Lucy is getting railed in the sand, MAX, like a popular girl. MAX.

FancyShark

He tried to kiss you?! That BITCH!

gellaho

These are some pretty cool siblings

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hahahahah oh shit Kathryn upping the stakes with light kissing.

Even Badger will be smashed

"I'll strip nude for my pederast sugar daddy's magazine money, but I draw the line at uninitiated kissing!"

Brendan

I think it's pretty obvious Brodey got bonked on the head with a coconut and became Chazz Brodiotti

FancyShark

At this rate, they might end up HOLDING HANDS!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Lol I knew those rumors werent true. Rob's a gobshite little fibber.

gellaho

Further adventures of the world's worst teacher

Brendan

ESH

"Lucy, you slut, you can't turn a man down when you've been naked with a different man last year."

FancyShark

hahahahaha

GDC

"You let me keep the bike, and I won't rat you out to the board"

FancyShark

Kathryn always gets told by students that their normal teachers let them do stupid shit and she believes them

gellaho

Brodey came in the cave

Brendan

"I said I CAME on a CANE in a CAVE"

"Or maybe I stuck my cane in a cave and came? GET OFF MY BACK MOM"

GDC

"Mitch sold me some coCAINE"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Kathryn writes Mrs. Dwyer like shes my high school teacher who took some seniors to a titty bar on their senior trip.

Even Badger will be smashed

Brodey's really working out some issues on this field trip

gellaho

Barbara is in a slapstick comedy

Brendan

"I CAVED to peer pressure and now I'm a jerk"

gellaho

Because that's terrifying

Brendan

For Barbara's own safety, we're going to have to cut off her toes.

Even Badger will be smashed

Is- Is barbara okay? does she have dizzy hedgehog syndrome?

Brendan

ENTER REX MORAN

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Wesley infected Barbara with Urkelitus.

Even Badger will be smashed

He passed the curse onto her. It's like the It Follows monster

FancyShark

I need a jaunty and rapid piano number every time Barbara falls

gellaho

"I can't believe Lucy's not a slut anymore"

Even Badger will be smashed

she wanders into the room and ragtime starts playing ominously in the distance

Ozzie

It's Nathan

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Max you are fuckin judgy as shit, maybe the curse will make you less of a prick.

FancyShark

Wait, the demon is making them invert personalities?

Even Badger will be smashed

Sick premise, tbh

Shounen Ass Ramb$ne Gracie

maybe this curse will make Max rad

Ozzie

So Max is going to not fantasize about fucking but then immediately go for it when there's a dude?

gellaho

They She's-All-That'd him!

gellaho

Sick slam on that nerd, who's also him

FancyShark

"Also, Rob's dead"

"Now who wants it every which way from Wes?"

Even Badger will be smashed

If Rob is getting inverted does that mean we have to start calling him Bob now

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

lol good self-deprecative humor there, you heap of imitation crab.

gellaho

"Maybe it's a sick prank, sis"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Max......why are you suspicious tho? Do you think Wesley murdered someone for their drip?

Even Badger will be smashed

Oh no wait, I get it now. This is the beach Christine the demon car washed up on after they ran her through an industrial grinder and now her pieces have adopted all these kids at once.

FancyShark

If Inverted Mitch is just White Mitch, I'm leaving

Even Badger will be smashed

Now they'll have to fight to the death to become the true partner of the evil car.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Or maybe Max, you just dont know these people as well as you think and they're doing something different.

Brendan

Was anyone surprised that Wesley would be the next one to Stefan Urquelle?

FancyShark

Honestly, yeah

gellaho

Classic pianist, that Sting was

Brendan

That's when they kissed

Ozzie

He was already ripped, all they did was take his glasses off and bathe him.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Nah of course he would, the instant they said he was secretly jacked he was due for being sexy.

Because kids love Elton John and Sting.

FancyShark

Rob has a ham for a heart? He'll be dead in seconds

gellaho

Kathryn had the pulse on popular music

gellaho

Shounen Ass Ramb$ne Gracie

max is going to fight the demon because she feels left out

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

You gotta believe in the Heart of the Ham.

Shounen Ass Ramb$ne Gracie

everyone is very happy with these demon changes but she's gonna ruin it for everyone

Brendan

Max has more chemistry with her own brother than she does with her Chemistry Club.

Even Badger will be smashed

Okay so just to be clear, this is still sister and brother, right? the only ones here with actual chemistry are the immediate blood relatives?

gellaho

Creepy

Brendan

She's gonna look in the mirror and envy her own breasts. BIG changes afoot on Key...EAST???

Even Badger will be smashed

Oh don't say she stiffened, Kathryn

Shounen Ass Ramb$ne Gracie

oh so this is a light novel?

Even Badger will be smashed

Please don't pile that on on top of everything else

Brendan

Adler is Max's non-cest beard

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Max has a girl boner, Max has a girl boner!

gellaho

Still creepy

FancyShark

If Adler turns into Billy Zane, this will all be worth it

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Transmuting Owen Wilson to Billy Zane would make so many problems in the world better.

gellaho

Rob gets the yips

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"No I can't play if it seems like my sister is going to get laid."

FancyShark

"Do not touch the musician or I'll take more drugs"

gellaho

Walk with me, a drifter you barely know, instead of consoling your brother

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Adler is a beach vampire.

Calling it.

In league with Lobstor.

FancyShark

"Children of the night, what music they make"

[seagulls screech]

gellaho

Jesus Christ, Max

FancyShark

Oh, okay. This is a romantic comedy

Brendan

Mitch is legitimately scary abusive

Like not even an INCH

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Max is later going to blame this on being cursed to sluttyness.

Even Badger will be smashed

Is. Is the horror coming from the puberty subtext? Is that the them here?

gellaho

It's so hot how he talks about his pay check

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Alot of girls that age blame these things on island curses.

Brendan

"What? With y--Max, this is our first real conversation, why would you think I meant--"

Even Badger will be smashed

"I need to wake up my boss to talk about my pay" is definitely a plausible cover story

Brendan

The town my Ma grew up in is actual Podunk country.

FancyShark

"I meant with Wesley! Why would you think I meant you?"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Yeah but is it cover for the one to one half of a murder or is Adler just hot for teacher?

FancyShark

Negligence gets him hot

gellaho

"That strange drifter isn't a stranger!"

gellaho

Ozzie

If I ever told a girl "I'll be up after you in a moment, I have to wake up your teacher for my money", she would know she was being fully blown off.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

God Max your piano dork brother is right, you are cruising for a really lamentably unforgettable summer of bad sex and VD.

gellaho

"Could my brain be trying to tell me something?"

"Nah."

gellaho

Even Badger will be smashed

FancyShark

Feelings of impending doom are just part of being in Florida

Ozzie

I had to scroll back up because the book definitely said he had golden eyes before.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Max, why would you think its important to notice someones eye color in a dream? This kind of shit is why you're single and considering fucking a college age beach bum.

gellaho

Wesley continues his mutation out of nerd

gellaho

How dare you remember plot details

Even Badger will be smashed

This is a fake memory. Wesley has never raked out a stall in his life

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Now now. He IS from Ohio.

FancyShark

Crap. I just realized that if people are getting inverted and Lucy is now a prude, that probably means the photo rumor is true

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

If something sucks you can do it in Ohio.,

gellaho

It's too bad his transformation didn't happen earlier. Max is too busy dating a hobo

Ozzie

So he's brimming with confidence and that equates to wishing he could tell a girl he likes her.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

On the bright side once Adler has totally disappointed her in the sack, Wesley can swoop in.

Her expectations will never be lower.

gellaho

Kathryn really understands teen girls

Ozzie

Thank God that says "throat"

GDC

Wes can only talk to women if they're swooning.

gellaho

This is a very believable situation

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Wesley you pale ham golem, you could have done this anytime.

FancyShark

The real question is: are they actually changing or is this all illusion?

Brendan

Kinda late for us to find out Wesley is a farmwork, corn-finished hunk defending himself against three teen boys considering all we knew was "invented raspberry pi for THE Ohio State University." thus far.

GDC

You could have avoided years of torment by whipping your shirt off in math class.

Even Badger will be smashed

If this isn't a personality inversion plot then what the goddamn fuck is supposed to be happening here

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Also now that you're hot you can set your sights higher than "Shitty girl who thinks you're a pitiable dork and hates that you arent anymore, and thinks its witchcraft or something."

gellaho

Just what you want on a hot Florida day. A pizza oven

Brendan

I barely survived one brother in a different room, Lucy in the scorn with D-cups wouldn't be scary after fighting three.