86: 1 The Black Dragon Victor Appleton

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Yes, Rob and Orb are Toms robot slaves.

gellaho

Laser hot-dog

Mordred was a Teenage Dirtbag

Fucking... First Harlan and then a robot named Rob?

Even Badger will be smashed

Laser hot dogs

:HotDog9000:

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Hey Tom? You sarcastic asshole, why DONT you invent a laser hotdog cooker?"

gellaho

Seems like beach attire, sure

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Tom. People would like that, Tom. You would make money, Tom."

LyraV

that would actually be a pretty dope invention vs annoying sex bees

gellaho

Get your beach sweaters ready

Mordred was a Teenage Dirtbag

Tom'll laser Rick's hotdog if it gets near his sister.

FancyShark

These people are clearly immortals to be so casual with world-ending devices

GDC

The sand sounds like a great surface for this

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"It looks like a carpet of stars on the sand!" Mandy, you fucking dork.

GDC

very stable

Even Badger will be smashed

"It looks like you're spreading a carpet of stars 'cross'd the sand, forsooth!"

gellaho

Bad ghostwriter, bad! Don't make me get the newspaper

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Mandy is taking notes for later poetry.

Even Badger will be smashed

Really hope this book ends with Tom surfing down Rainbow Road

FancyShark

"No, seriously. There's a fire burning."

"Oh, I know there is."

"No, I mean actual fire!"

Mordred was a Teenage Dirtbag

Even Badger will be smashed

"Only the fire in my heart, Mandy"

"No, the fucking sand is on fire, Tom! Your crystal shit triggered some kind of reaction!"

Mordred was a Teenage Dirtbag

Getting all CW up in here

gellaho

I'm pretty sure this party only exists because Tom was going to show off his skyboard, you weird girl

LyraV

wow that's an intense question

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Tom what the fuck. She can see your boner right now and you fucking dont..........

YOU HAVE ROBOT SLAVES YOU ASS!

Even Badger will be smashed

"You wanna hold my sprayer?"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Just fucking make some time.

GDC

Look, mandy, Tom's dad needs those quarterly projections on his desk

gellaho

You need to stop, ghostwriter

gellaho

Where's the hose

Mordred was a Teenage Dirtbag

Write horny, edit after you rub one out.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Ghostwriter..........that was dangerously close to a pegging joke.

gellaho

Also, figure out how you're writing hotdog

gellaho

You've tried all possible combinations

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hot dog.

Mordred was a Teenage Dirtbag

Ah, this is a metaphor for his sexual preferences 🧐

Even Badger will be smashed

This book has now programmed me to read hot dog in the dirtiest possible connotation

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

hotdog

See the difference, ghost writer?

Even Badger will be smashed

The rumor come out? Does Rick Cantwell is bi?

gellaho

Do the quarterly projections include all these extra skyboards that apparently already existed

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Only when Tom activates the secret hypno chip in Ricks brain.

FancyShark

"That's right. We're going to race the prototypes we haven't confirmed are safe."

gellaho

Dynasail

Even Badger will be smashed

To be fair it worked great for Ford v. Ferrari

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Hey Tom? You had special jackets made?"

"Yeah I took it out of the departmental budget for the guys researching cancer. Arent they cool?!"

FancyShark

"But shouldn't we test it? I mean, it's our job"

gellaho

Seems safe

Even Badger will be smashed

"We are testing it, on this sick fuckin' course I made!"

gellaho

"Oh, wait, we're in high school"

Even Badger will be smashed

I'm beginning to suspect the invitation to danger doesn't come from new inventions being invented but from Tom being a fucking dickhead with them

FancyShark

"So we went to a beach where only select items are hot."

gellaho

On sand!? Inconceivable!

FancyShark

You learn fast

Even Badger will be smashed

It's a hunch I have

Too early to tell for sure

Mordred was a Teenage Dirtbag

Uneven? On the sand?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Hey uh....Tom? Is this safe for this superconductor to get wet?"

"The only wet things on this beach is going to be panties in about five minutes."

Mordred was a Teenage Dirtbag

When you let a horny girl spray much of it?

gellaho

Jesus, they are all so dead

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"No, Tom I mean the tide is coming in."

Even Badger will be smashed

"Zooming" should never be used as a verb. It just doesn't feel right

FancyShark

"Oh, I know. She'll be at high tide soon enough."

"I fucking hate you."

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Wow a whole ninety miles an hour. As fast as a normal car.

gellaho

You'll never believe it, but the boards flew straight up into the air again. Just like the last time

Crazy

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Huh imagine that.

gellaho

Anyway, somebody stole Rick

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Good thing theres all that soft sand and water around.

Even Badger will be smashed

By the way, Tom, did you ever figure out how to replace the internal combustion engine or is this a carbon-choked hellscape and you just haven't gotten around to telling us yet

"His netted friend"

FancyShark

Nets! Those monsters! Rick will be powerless to escape or call for help or...wait

gellaho

"Did you miss the helicopter? How?"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Rick you irrepressible goofus. Getting netted by a mysterious helicopter.

gellaho

They just sprayed a whole bunch of shit all over the beach

I can't imagine they care about the environmental impact of this

But it's also magic, so who knows

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Ocean life love electrically charged crystals.

FancyShark

The Fox Five morning news team is THROUGH waiting for stories to happen. Now they've gone rogue

gellaho

They don't have anything better to do

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Okay but someone who can invent a silent helicopter has a license to print money already. Everyone wants one of those.

YEAH HACK INTO NORAD, thats probably not illegal.

FancyShark

NORAD's been at Defcon 3 ever since they started testing the boards

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Tom breaches national security on a regular basis anyway.

Even Badger will be smashed

I like that NORAD still exists.

What, is it just kept around to keep tabs on Santa every year?

GDC

I have a flight tracker app on my phone too, Tom. You're not special

Even Badger will be smashed

Tom has for sure banned Twitter accounts for tracking his flying surfboard

gellaho

Yes, Dan, I'm sure the kidnapping and explosion are unrelated

FancyShark

Do you really want to break the seal on questioning if something was done right, Dan?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Dan you just witnessed a midair black bagging of your dingus friend on a flying surfboard by a stealth helicopter, and it says alot about how often shit like this happens in Toms orbit you arent freaking out.

gellaho

Yeah, who needs information

FancyShark

Is silane a real thing or a typo of saline?

gellaho

"But, seriously, what's his actual name"

Even Badger will be smashed

The Frayne in Spain spies mainly 'pon our planes

FancyShark

If you run a simulation in any other department, so help me god!

gellaho

Sounds fun

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Jameson Frubbish" was too out there for the writer.

Shounen Ass Ramb$ne Gracie

cousin of Bobson Dugnutt

FancyShark

Garret Frayne was named by a stuck "R" key

gellaho

"We don't let the simulation dweebs outside"

FancyShark

"Those doors are locked from the outside!"

GDC

You shouldn't let your nerds get exposed to direct sunlight

Even Badger will be smashed

It's almost like he saw you acting like a dipshit and came out to see if you'd eat pavement, like any corporate peon would

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Huh imagine that, that the obvious and public thing you did drew a dude to look at it. Open and shut case this is.

gellaho

Isn't that what's supposed to happen in the explosives lab?

FancyShark

"Go back to your catalog, Nordstrum"

Even Badger will be smashed

See, that's why you don't want to make it the Bomb Palace in the first place. It's just begging for trouble

Even Badger will be smashed

"God Himself couldn't explode this lab!"

gellaho

"JEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSS CCHRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIST!"

FancyShark

Cut to the bomb palace and someone covered in soot rolling back the "X Days Since An Explosion" sign

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Huh I guess calling it that just became a little less funny now that OH MY GOD FROBBERTS LEGS ARE STUCK IN THE CEILING!"

gellaho

If they want to report to me, they can report to me where I am

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Whats this fine, red and slightly gritty substance on the walls?"

"Oh that's Douglas."

FancyShark

"I'm going to the Bomb Palace" is also his code for "I'm going to go destroy the toilet"

gellaho

Probably should have built the explosives lab better

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Toms Dad should maybe have his teen kids do less for his company, it seems like this would be avoided if his son wasnt in charge of hiring people and wasnt around to be joyriding on prototypes.

Even Badger will be smashed

FancyShark

Damn pinata support beams

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Also, you can build buildings so they WONT collapse when they explode from the inside, what the fuck Tom's Dad? What kind of corners did you cut? You're going to get fined out the ASS.

FancyShark

This is why he employs children

Even Badger will be smashed

Tomguska Event

gellaho

Oof, almost had a full paragraph break of tension there

gellaho

Thank God we avoided that

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Tom's Dad spends the rest of the book on the phone to Congress explaining why his bomb lab collapsed and his teen children are major employees.

Even Badger will be smashed

"It's better than I thought! She's been pulverized to beef stroganoff!"

FancyShark

Tom's being facetious. It's just her leg.

gellaho

Didn't even get the paragraph break here, thanks ghostwriter!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Crush damage? Never heard of it. Grab that end of the secretary and help me swing her. Then we can set the filing cabinets back upright and you can get back to work."

LyraV

this feels right until Tom accidentially destroys Congress with robots

FancyShark

Move the trauma victim's neck as much as possible

Even Badger will be smashed

Tom just giant swinging Sandra all the way down the hall

GDC

Her head lolled back, severing major nerves

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Make sure you shake the unconscious so they wake up quicker.

gellaho

We have de-escalated from a 70 foot drop to falling down for our cliffhangers

FancyShark

To be fair, Ames might break a hip

gellaho

You want to reduce stakes as the book goes on

Even Badger will be smashed

Steeeeeee-rike!

gellaho

Hahaha

gellaho

Eat it, dying teen

FancyShark

Yeet! That! Teen!

LyraV

like a sack of potatoes

GDC

Look kid, it's either you or the gun

gellaho

I would like to meet the Black Dragon soon

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Im too close to retirement to Mr. President this shit."

This better be some corporate goddam ninja.

FancyShark

Somehow the attacker who has information on your technology, including the infrared goggles, can see through the smoke

gellaho

OK, ghostwriter, is it a power saw or a chain saw

gellaho

Those are two different things

Even Badger will be smashed

The Rod & Saw is a good name for a pub.

FancyShark

It's that kind of saw that's made for cutting down concrete trees

gellaho

"He leapt after the attacker with his jig saw. He went in for a counter attack with his hack saw and returned with his circular saw"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

The sign depicts a grinning Rod Serling with a hacksaw.

gellaho

This is not how saws work

FancyShark

"'It takes skill to use this saw,' he exclaimed, firing up the table saw."

gellaho

"He cried out, attacking with his seesaw"

Even Badger will be smashed

Man, there was a chainsaw fight that just happened and it completely bounced off because this prose is so flat

Shounen Ass Ramb$ne Gracie

"As he turned to leave, he bumped into a wall, knocking down th. wallsaw"

gellaho

Or a power saw that keeps running without anybody touching it

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"I came, I SAW, I conquered!" Dan yelled as he flung his reciprocating saw!"

FancyShark

Shounen Ass Ramb$ne Gracie

"what's wrong, honey, you haven't touched your sawfish!" she cried after him

gellaho

Those rod nuts will get you every time

FancyShark

WHOOOMP! THERE IT IS

God, I'm topical

GDC

If I saw a nut with a rod, I'd bolt.

gellaho

Or, he was never conscious because he's a machine

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"No I dont think I do want to go out and confront the saboteur for you, meatbag." Rob replied.

FancyShark

Rob knows now why you cry, Tom

It's because you're a stupid child

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Rob played by Rutger Hauer.

gellaho

Yeah, I really don't know what's happening

Even Badger will be smashed

He's giving the security guy a chainsaw?

Does he not have a gun??

gellaho

It was knocked away by the cloud

FancyShark

This is every security guy's dream. To run into a burning building holding a weapon that can easily be turned on him.

Even Badger will be smashed

That pesky cloud

gellaho

Which contains a rod nut

I think

Either way, we're sticking with rod nut

Brendan

What did i miss?

FancyShark

Hi, @Brendan !

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Robot bees cumming in holes, a rod nut on the loose.

Brendan

Tom Swift!

Even Badger will be smashed

Some nut is swinging his rod around

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Also flying surfboards.

GDC

This is about Tom A. Swift's Electric Hoverboard, or TASEH.

FancyShark

Tom Swift has made a flying surfboard that requires metal rail spray. Then someone sabotaged the Bomb Palace and now they're looking for survivors. The security chief has a chainsaw or power saw. And Rick has been kidnapped by a helicopter.

gellaho

Did this chemical explosive also give him superstrength?

gellaho

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I thought it was a bandsaw tho?

GDC

possibly a chainsword

gellaho

I don't know what it is with these ghostwriters thinking teen boys can just swing benches around

Between this an Frank Hardy throwing a church pew

Even Badger will be smashed

Hahaha this could escalate into a bench fight

gellaho

Sure, sure

Even Badger will be smashed

How Steven Seagal pictures himself

gellaho

You know how you refer to chainsaws as just "saw"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

This business needs more security personnel than just one two thousand year old man.

gellaho

That thing people do

FancyShark

The Swifts keep making deathbots and giving them janitorial work

Even Badger will be smashed

It's efficient

They kill and then they clean up their own mess

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

You'd think Tom would at least program his robot bees to put out fires.

FancyShark

They'd try to pollinate the fire. And that would just make more fire

gellaho

Why did he attack the rod with the ax?

gellaho

The fuck is happening

So this robot on treads was moving so quickly that they couldn't catch it?

Even Badger will be smashed

If you swing at the robot it'll block with the rod. But if you swing at the rod you might hit the robot.

It's one of those 3D Hellish Quart chess games

gellaho

Is that what I'm to understand

FancyShark

I'm still not sure why all of their robots switch to KILL MODE when left unsupervised

Even Badger will be smashed

Is this robot Mandroid from The Eliminators

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

ROBOT REBELLIOOOOON!

gellaho

Oh, no, not Orb and Rob

gellaho

Even Badger will be smashed

Orb and Rob.

Tom's not great with naming AIs.

gellaho

No, wait, Orb is fine

FancyShark

ORB WAS NOT HIRED FOR THIS, LITTLE GIRL

Even Badger will be smashed

The maintenance robot was too fast!

Until it was too slow.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hahahah fuck Tom, I was joking about the robot uprising.

GDC

I'm on team robot here

gellaho

:BB: :OOO: :OO:

FancyShark

Fuck you, Harlan

GDC

Give him a break, he's a 50/100 year old man with a head injury

LyraV

I want a shirt that says 'ORB HAS NO HANDS'

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Why would you betray me like this Orb?! WAIT! Did.......ORB! Where you behind the Pollination Incident?!"

gellaho

Veeuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

FancyShark

ORB ANSWERS TO NO ONE!

Even Badger will be smashed

He built his Alexa knockoff with a butthole

Brendan

T. Orb Robot, Esq.

gellaho

Seems like somewhere an industrial spy would hang out

FancyShark

All the great spy films have exotic locations like Central Lanes bowling alley

Even Badger will be smashed

Man. Bad fucking call on assuming bowling would survive into The Future

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Getting your not girlfriend to track down industrial spies is.........a weird way to flirt, Tom. But maybe not ineffective, Mandy might be a danger slut.

FancyShark

Tom and Frank are going to get along great

gellaho

My friend Jerry is so cool. Man, I wish I was Jerry

NostraThomas TommyG

I hope I am

FancyShark

"It was really harsh. Jerry was taken off life support later that day."

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Tom replies with a karate chop to Garrets throat.

gellaho

My bowling alibi is airtight! Just ask my uncle Julius!

Even Badger will be smashed

Barely a room-temperature "shouting" match going on

FancyShark

"Maybe I could even come up with something that doesn't admit I have an abnormally large amount of cash"

Brendan

Bowling Alone probably beat this to publication.

gellaho

Pffffffffffffffffffft

LyraV

I like to think he's staring right at an Orange Julius when he shouts it

Even Badger will be smashed

Jesus, Tom, just stuff yourself into your own locker while you're at it

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Tom.........you fuckin NERD.

FancyShark

Frayne would wake up to find a severed bowling pin in his bed

gellaho

"Hmmm, maybe they were right to laugh at you"

Even Badger will be smashed

"I was only PRETENDING to be a massive loser!"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Oh so its like your dignity?"

FancyShark

Strange, Tom. Don't you have murder bots?

LyraV

This one won't keep trying to pollinate your ears and shit.

gellaho

Took long enough

gellaho

This is how people talk

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"What does Jim Kelly have to do with anything?"

FancyShark

Look. Take a ride on the Black Dragon. I understand there's room enough for everyone.

Even Badger will be smashed

"At a time like this, in these unprecedented times, I noticed the time"

gellaho

I got beat up on front of her and everything, it was great!

FancyShark

"Mandy, I know I'm bleeding internally and externally, but can I still spray you?"

LyraV

Tom gets these ideas about how inanimate objects feel that I find fascinating.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Yeah take me home, Melvin Swift. I dont have time to do unpaid detective work for you."

gellaho

No, but seriously, what's his name?

Brendan

Xavier Mace makes murder bots but his medium is flesh.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hahahahah okay but Xavier Mace is a pretty good name for a villain, just not The Black Dragon.

FancyShark

"Dirk Sexspear" was already taken

Even Badger will be smashed

"It's short for IN YOUR FACE!"