86: 1 The Black Dragon Victor Appleton

LyraV

I just....I love it so much.

Xavier Mace is too much

gellaho

Finger that pen

Even Badger will be smashed

Casually finger-fucking the shit out of that pen

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"His big obsession was making a melon that could unfuck itself. And moan in three languages. We are not the same, son."

gellaho

Oh, God dammit. Every time? Every single first book in a series for children?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Yeah TOM that IS pretty awful.

FancyShark

Once we have a redhead, that's Bingo

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Now lets talk about your nonconsensual robot fuck bees.

GDC

Clones and Nazis!

gellaho

That is not worse

LyraV

Y'know I was going to incorporate Xavier Mace into my profile name, damn you ghost writer!!!

Even Badger will be smashed

FancyShark

"He's a Nazi! And what's worse, he wants an income!"

gellaho

"I mean, we still haven't heard his side"

FancyShark

"Tom, you sprayed industrial lubricant on a public beach"

GDC

"I know this because I'm also on the board of directors"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Tom..........what the fuck. Dont both sides your own fucking DAD.

Even Badger will be smashed

"Now listen, he can be a bit much, but I'm sure he has some good ideas—"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"So tell me more about this twin thing, did they use robots to do anything?"

gellaho

"But, if you knew we'd have to fight him, why have we been building skyboards and other frivolities?"

FancyShark

Tom's nervous because he's hearing a lot of parallels with himself

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Wait he RUNS countries?

WHAT?!

Even Badger will be smashed

And Senior never, like. Assassinated him with a bee bomb robot?

FancyShark

A Nazi runs Africa?!

gellaho

Sounds like daddy Tom needs to look up what "theoretical" means

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Tom's Dad, you knew a Science Hitler was out and about doing things and you're only bringing it up NOW to your teen son and not the lone geriatric security guard?

GDC

Shouldn't you give this to like, a government?

LyraV

I should have maybe opened this conversation with the fact that he's a literal monster.

FancyShark

You had your son build a surfboard and not hunter-killer drones?

Even Badger will be smashed

The mundane crappiness of Lake Carlopa is really getting lost in the shuffle here

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Well I woldnt say EXACT opposite, Toms Dad, unless you have a framed picture of Karl Marx I should know about?

gellaho

They cut out part of the beach?

FancyShark

Also, does this mean Science Hitler has a Bomb Palace?

Brendan

Oh, he's a DeVos

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

It's more of a Explosives Chateau.

Even Badger will be smashed

They.

They cut the sand.

I— I think that's just called "digging"??

GDC

who knew using world-altering technology to get laid would have repercussions?

FancyShark

"Son, you seem agitated about the supervillain who's going to kill us"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Good thing Rick is a dipshit and can't provide anything other than his birthday and sports facts.

FancyShark

Oh fuck, but Rick knows about Duran Duran

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Until Tom activates his brain chip and puts Rick in Kill Mode.

gellaho

Well, they figured out an address from that phone recording. Somehow. And now they're on a raid

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Because Tom Swift would absolutely Manchurian Candidate someone into being his best friend.

Even Badger will be smashed

Quick, deploy the Tom Swift Paramilitary Assault Group!!

FancyShark

Rick: KILL MODE

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Remember, he DID make an electric shirt that turned someone into an unbeatable fighting machine.

So Rick probably has a fake hand that turns into a flame thrower.

gellaho

I feel like the US government would probably notice someone setting up a military base in the middle of the desert

gellaho

Even Badger will be smashed

Mace bought Area 51

Now he runs New Mexico

LyraV

It's going to turn into a western

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"It's just a regular militia. Nothing to see here."

FancyShark

This is a world where NORAD's password is "password"

LyraV

Louis L'Amour and the legend of Box Canyon robots

gellaho

Well, whoever was there escaped with the greatest of ease

gellaho

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"What? No, of course we arent Nazis with bad intentions. Just regular cultists preparing for the end of the world, you know. Normal American stuff."

gellaho

Because they brought a cadre of police cars and ground vehicles, but only one helicopter with a loud speaker and no guns

Even Badger will be smashed

Okay, Xavier is officially a GTA villain. You can't just have a private harrier jet in American airspace.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Also lol the bad guys own a fucking fighter jet. Saved their Pepsi points for YEARS.

FancyShark

It's not enough that Harlan is old. His weapons and vehicles must also be old

gellaho

Anyway, Rick is hanging out with a bad-looking dude

FancyShark

If he has muscle then he can't be stringy, can he, RICK?

Even Badger will be smashed

Are you a bad enough dude to rescue Rick Cantwell?

GDC

this is a double-wide harrier

FancyShark

If this albino is the Black Dragon, this writer can go to hell

gellaho

Ugh, oh, someone's pontificating on the uses of Swiss Army knives

FancyShark

They make great gifts!

Even Badger will be smashed

You can't just "swing out" the corkscrew on those puppies. I've tried.

gellaho

He's Cougar!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

God being taken captive by Nazi knife nerds is a fate worse than death.

Black Dragon and Cougar.

FancyShark

Cougars are well known for being pale white! And carrying knives!

gellaho

Cougar hates Rick.

FancyShark

This fall, on the CW

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

We are dangerously close to having a solid kung fu movie.

Brendan

Technically you can, but only for a few minutes.

Even Badger will be smashed

FancyShark

Cougar is instantly relatable

gellaho

You know how mountainous the northeast is

gellaho

New York filled with mountains

Even Badger will be smashed

I hope they just throw him out the window and leave him for the hill people

FancyShark

The mountainous slopes of Manhattan

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Yeah, I've seen Rumble in the Bronx. Mountains all over the shop.

gellaho

And all the farms!

That well-known feature of New England

Brendan

Canada was not an option.

GDC

The Alleghanies are known for their supervillain hideouts

FancyShark

These international terrorists would never cross borders

Even Badger will be smashed

A poison cloud from the Bomb Palace rendered Canada uninhabitable. Tom was grounded for a week.

gellaho

This is a paragraph that goes places

Brendan

Upstate NY is anywhere not NYC or westchester so...

LyraV

Tom felt like a pencil holder that had mostly pens but also randomly a pinwheel in it.

FancyShark

Even weirder, Rick is looking at a snowglobe

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Fuck off Rick, I dont need architectural criticism from a dingus like you.

Even Badger will be smashed

Damn these handicap accessibility additions, spreading like a cancer over our fair architecture! shakes fist

Even Badger will be smashed

The entire book is happening within his daydream

gellaho

And hundreds of thousands of robots

gellaho

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Also maybe, just maybe, Rick, these Nazi scientists are too busy doing Nazi science to care about the paint?

FancyShark

Oh no. And they're set to Pollinate!

Even Badger will be smashed

They looked like ants, except for where they looked like tanks or trucks

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Nazi robot army! Sweet!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Bit out of left field for a geneticist but whatever.

Tom doesnt need the ideas rescuing Rick from a horde of Nazi bred mutants will give him.

Even Badger will be smashed

ANT-FORMERS!

Deutschland Uber Alles!

Brendan

Gonna be embarrassing for Tom when these Nazis turn out to be not occupying abandoned air force towns but living there continuously since invited under Paperclip

gellaho

Rick makes a mistake in negotiations

Even Badger will be smashed

Yeah they did some twisted shit in their youth but they play a mean game of pickleball now that they've mellowed out

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Okay you can punch things with light constructs and you need.......a hoverboard?

Brendan

If I invented hard light, I would just reject modernity.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

My guy you could just reasarch this yourself, Tom isnt that smart.

LyraV

'I have what brains Tom left in my head after those secret experiments I'm not allowed to remember'

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Or just build a holodeck and make all the money ever.

FancyShark

You have ghost punch! You have already won!

gellaho

Tom's sister brewing up personalized speed

Brendan

Why doesn't he hover on his light constructs.

Even Badger will be smashed

If I were black dragon I would just keep throwing people into walls like I was Supreme Leader Snoke. What the fuck are they gonna do about it

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Man hard light is a fucking civilization ending invention and this goober is doing Scooby Doo villainy.

FancyShark

Sandra "invents" meth

Even Badger will be smashed

Meanwhile we're popping personalized caffeine pills back in Society

LyraV

they need to spray the stars, or did you miss the star hose?

Brendan

Tom could have gotten rich patenting portable coffee, but he opted to share it with the world.

gellaho

gasp

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"This one is civet coffee flavor. Why is that funny? That stuff is expensive!"

Even Badger will be smashed

Hahaha please tell me Tom is actually descended from Nazi progeny

FancyShark

This is why Tom has Xavier's eyes

Even Badger will be smashed

It would explain so much

gellaho

Thanks for the worthless advice, mom

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"You arent his son or anything. I just wanted you to know Xavier fucks like a steam engine."

FancyShark

"Mom, he's a supervillain. There is no way to stop him talking."

GDC

"Especially in bed," she continued.

Even Badger will be smashed

"Remember Tom, in the next challenge use the element that brings life!"

gellaho

Enhanced lasers

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Have a great time with storming my ex boyfriend's Nazi compound sweetie! Love you! Take out the trash when you get home."

Even Badger will be smashed

You just have a battle computer and advanced lasers to hook it up to?

FancyShark

"You put beef in the sensors?"

"No, Tom. Dammit, pay attention."

Even Badger will be smashed

Fucking go into the arms industry, my man. The fuck are you doing piddling around with surfboards

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Im trying to imagine all the things that could go wrong when a flying vehicle converts to a non flying one.

GDC

"Well, good luck with all the murder, son"

gellaho

Electric shocks just give you a little muscle soreness

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Muscle soreness does occur, yes.

Even Badger will be smashed

I grabbed the tines of a power plug once by accident and yeah, that's pretty much what happened

gellaho

No, but they did give him a sandwich

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Mmmm. Bacon and eggs. Nice choice, Tom's Dad.

FancyShark

One agent to keep an eye out for a guy who's basically Red Skull and Dr. Doom combined

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

He has a ROBOT ARMY! He allegedly kidnapped a teen boy. The feds burned down a cult compound in Waco for less than that.

LyraV

Radnor is also a wizard in his spare time.

FancyShark

Don't ask him about Vietnam

Even Badger will be smashed

"One riot, one ranger", or something like that

gellaho

It's like a guided missile, but worse because you have to evenly spray every surface you travel on first

gellaho

Brendan

I don't know a lot, but i know if this teen boy seizes his vanquished foe's hard light hologram, we are going to need ethicists to weigh in real fast.

Even Badger will be smashed

You could just build a drone????

Or a normal plane????

Brendan

Coffee and an egg sandwich is a boss way to start the day and I know from today's experience.

FancyShark

YOU!

HAVE!

GHOST!

PUNCH!

gellaho

Or electric shocks

GDC

"We'll be demoing the war crimes at CES next year"

gellaho

Like the book said

gellaho

No, magnets!

Brendan

This book is about to become Mr. Terrific vs. Green Lantern.

Even Badger will be smashed

Now I'm picturing Tom Swift flying his surfboard through a road sign and eating shit

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Congrats, mad Nazi. You invented Predator drones.

gellaho

I knew it. Vermont, the seed of all evil

Even Badger will be smashed

A real thing that Hal Jordan did to himself

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

You absolute fucking idiot.

Even Badger will be smashed

I knew Bernie Sanders was hiding something!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Of course he was. He was the second gunman in the JFK assassination.

gellaho

CONVERT TO ROVER FORM

Mordred was a Teenage Dirtbag

It has its own Ben and Jerry's scoop shop.

LyraV

seconded, it's almost the ideal way to start a day (add a joint to achieve ideal).

FancyShark

"Also no air. Talk fast."

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Wait you have to land it and then hide in a hanger to convert it? Why not just get off a plane and get into a battlevan then?!

Brendan

According to Robert Evans, and I tell you from experience you can't trust a word he says unless it's "fuck."

gellaho

This seems highly impractical

Brendan

Speaking of, though, he does make the BEST BEC samosas, hang on

Even Badger will be smashed

This writer has a real hard on for tank treads

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Robert tells everyone one lie, tho, so maybe Bernie being the second gunman is mine. I cant prove Bernie Sanders DIDNT assassinate JFK tho.

FancyShark

, maaaaaaaaaaaaaaan

Even Badger will be smashed

Also tanks are already fast and maneuverable now. And some are even jet-engined.

So you've just made a tank that can fly.

gellaho

Fleshy, fleshy rover

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"DEPLOY THE FLESH ROVER!"

LyraV

any longer than five minutes tho and that laser is going to fuck up this impractical machine

Even Badger will be smashed

Dammit, I popped the Turbo Teen gif too soon

gellaho

Again, seems like something the state and federal governments might have a problem with

FancyShark

Brendan

He can't track realtime assassination coordinates!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Tom Swift, making things too stupid for Battletech.

GDC

Again, I have that app on my phone too

gellaho

Does it take longer than two hours to get anywhere in Vermont?

gellaho

Brendan

Both our hero and his antagonist are Elon Musk

This is like the cliche thriller idea from Adaptation

GDC

seems like you should have landed closer to your destination

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Except Tom can actually build a robot and Elon just has a replica videogame revolver.

FancyShark

"Rerouting..."

"WE'RE FLYING!"

gellaho

Only this predates it by a decade, so it's innovative

Brendan

It is sweet how many of the things in this book are now just part of life though.

gellaho

Are they?

Mordred was a Teenage Dirtbag

Those offramps are really far apart so if you miss one it's a while before you can get off another one and backtrack.

Brendan

Well he invented Google Maps just now.

FancyShark

You don't have mecha bees?

Even Badger will be smashed

Yeah, I constantly have to spray down my road so I can ride my cybersurfboard to work every day. It's a pain

Mordred was a Teenage Dirtbag

Pretty sure I can drive across VT in two hours though.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Gellaho doesnt go to the right gas stations to find the "caffeine" pills.

Mordred was a Teenage Dirtbag

Well it depends on what part, it's skinnier at the bottom. 😅

gellaho

My house does run off solid electricity and ceramic, you're right

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Have you considered duct taping the sprayer to the front of your board so you can spray and ride at the same time, like Iceman from the X-Men?

But with electricity?

Even Badger will be smashed

Gotta shovel it into the furnace like a Dickensian orphan every night

Even Badger will be smashed

Yoooo I could be like Frozone!

A fat, white Frozone!

gellaho

Ah, so Radnor's just a crazy person

Brendan

The dumbest thing to be bothered about as a kid was knowing without periodic structural support the ice slide was a disaster waiting to happen.

gellaho

Would have helped if you told me about his tinfoil hat, ghostwriter

Brendan

I was that dumb.

Even Badger will be smashed

I mostly worried about the Bermuda Triangle

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

I mean I was always wondering how superheroes lifted things like elephants and dinosaurs without killing them, cos you know..........weight concentrated onto one point........

LyraV

you could put his action figure in the freezer with a little tray of water and try it out

FancyShark

AKA "observant"

Even Badger will be smashed

Very carefully

LyraV

it came with just such tray iirc

gellaho

His compound is filled with robots and every building is protected by an electric field shield thing

Even Badger will be smashed

Yeah, so the robots can't run away from home

gellaho

So what sensors would see your shit in the mountains but not be thrown off by all that

FancyShark

Carrier pigeons

gellaho

And there are no other people around?

Did Black Dragon take over Vermont and you forget to tell me, ghostwriter?

Brendan

So how is he getting around the electricity detectors? Pneumatics?

FancyShark

The endless wastelands of Vermont

Even Badger will be smashed

That godless, blasted heath of the northeast

FancyShark

Vermont: The Final Frontier

gellaho

Looks like Tom and Rick both love describing buildings as diseased bodies

FancyShark

Ymir deserves to be remembered better

GDC

He describes the building like HP Lovecraft describes a building immigrants live in.

gellaho

I can see the ghostwriter has gotten tired of writing this book

Even Badger will be smashed

Jesus, you have late night Taco Bell one time, and ghostwriter never lets you hear the end of it

gellaho

"Eh, he saw one of the thousands of robots carrying food. And, uh, fuck it, no plan"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

It's how the US military does things, generally.

If you have no plan the enemy cant possibly figure it out.

LyraV

Almost Aimless Robots

gellaho

They have the magic fog now

Even Badger will be smashed

We get it, Tom. You vape.

FancyShark

"Wait, this is acid"

gellaho

Which I guess Tom developed? Fuck it

gellaho

Whatever, ghostwriter, whatever

FancyShark

"Nomex" doesn't mean what I think it does, right? It's not racist?

Even Badger will be smashed

Tom Swift: father of chemical warfare

gellaho

You'll have to explain this one to me

FancyShark

Isn't "airtight" the same thing as "gasproof"?

Even Badger will be smashed

Gnome-B-Gone was already patented

gellaho

'Cause that be crazy

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Its a kind of tear resistant fabric for ballistic protection.

Brendan

All of you have cancer now.

FancyShark

For some reason I saw "No Mexican" and I'm not proud of it

gellaho

That does seem more like a personal problem

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

It's like the opposite of Tex Mex.

FancyShark

Yeah, I need to reexamine some things

Even Badger will be smashed

You see what I mean?!

Taco Bell was one time, Tom! One time!!