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gellaho
The Book Cage - Episode 89: When the Star Kings Die
Maximillian Dragonard: an ex-cop in prison whose birth defect has given him beserker rage. It's violent, it's stupid, it's from 1967. There's also a guy named Tingo Spellhands. I don't know that I really need to say anything else. So join me this Friday, 5pm eastern, as we meet Dragonard the murderer. Dragonard the madman, Dragonard the beast.
gellaho
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Maxmillion Dragonard
Brendan
Of the Cr'nglorgaxian Dragonards?
This one is going to be R O U G H
gellaho
Of the II Galaxy Dragonards
And it is going to R U L E
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
We did a short dive into this book and determined it ruled, it was like doing a test mine and landing in the middle of the world's richest gold vein
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Hell yeah. This book had me at Star Kings.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
That entire last sentence is just incredible
I dare y'all to read it all in one go without taking a breath in the middle
LyraV
I like the giant silver hand
Seems like it would be hard to grab someone if you were encased in dirt, even if you're giant.
gellaho
Coming up at the top of the hour, it's When the Star Kings Die use this preview to inspire yourself to bathe in the blood of your enemies.
jakesy, weightroom hazard
Crack Men
Ozzie
"so, y'know,his name is also Dragonard, yadda yadda"
Time traveller Thrillho
Was the author given a Dragonard quota?
Ozzie
Maybe it was a bet to see how many he could put in one novel.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Sorry I'm still hung up on "Crack men"
jakesy, weightroom hazard
Wait hold on
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Okay I am looking forward to this book more than any book I've looked forward to since I read Deathstalker.
jakesy, weightroom hazard
Ligma Dragonards
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Hang on I just noticed the second overwrought use of the word "was". I'm back in it
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Excitedly bouncing in seat for Star Kings.
Mordred's Tauntaun Froze
Butt men who are specialists.
Brendan
Dragonard Dragonayle
Star King of the Hot-Dog System
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
With his haunted golden eyes, he sees more evil
LyraV
Dragonard really stands out.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
At least they haven't slipped out
Agent of Fortune
I'm putting away the animes BTW, I know it annoys Gellaho
Mordred's Tauntaun Froze
@Brendan is always on fire during Book Cage 👏
gellaho
Get your spellhands ready
Brendan
Wait so is his name Dragonard Dragonard?
Mordred's Tauntaun Froze
Can't even compete
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Maxmillion Dragonard
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
It's all the booze he drinks, it makes him really dangerous near open flame.
Agent of Fortune
Stars
Brendan
Looks like Dragonard is all starkings
FancyShark
It's still fun to try!
LyraV
I feel like the 5th age of the star kings was cooler
Mordred's Tauntaun Froze
The pink fingertips bother me.
Agent of Fortune
Save the star stars from the stars or the stars from the star stars
Brendan
My God, the physique on that man.
I was told he was lean
That's an Arnold shoulder.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Lean for an Arnold
Brendan
Dragonarnold
LyraV
In relation to the giant hand he is.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Hahahah that cover looks like someone was really trying to Boris Vallejo.
gellaho
SEE, THEN, II GALAXY
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Il Galaxy was a weird direction for the Super Benito franchise to turn
Brendan
Ah good, my colonialism has arrived.
FancyShark
This reads like a Styx song
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
You hold this book to your ear and you can hear the sound of a rejected John Williams score.
LyraV
Oh, no, this bodes, poorly,,,,
Mordred's Tauntaun Froze
I choose to believe it's Il Galaxy like it's Italian.
Agent of Fortune
That looks like a Sorayama hand
The guy who drew the sexy robots in the eighties
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Oh this also reads exactly like the intro paragraph to 40k novels, the "In the grim darkness of the far future etc." part.
gellaho
The primitive days of folk-memory
Mordred's Tauntaun Froze
I can't help it, "Lords of the Exchange" sounds like a first draft title of The Wolf of Wall Street.
Brendan
In II Galaxy all paint styles are as one.
Dark Screams of Ramb$ne Gracie
II galaxy received a cease and desist order from Apple
Brendan
Unlike your primitive FIRST HOME art market.
Agent of Fortune
This is already giving me a headache
Mithras Orienteers as Frosty
II galaxy is unreadable
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Battletech lore intensifies
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Hahaha I fucking love this shit. A lifetime of dumb Star Wars bullshit has inoculated me
Agent of Fortune
Eye eye galaxy
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Oh god this prose is so masturbatory
gellaho
BEHOLD THE INBRED LORD'S OF THE EXCHANGE
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Eee Galaxy.
Mordred's Tauntaun Froze
What about The Inn of the Last Home?
Brendan
DALL-E, paint me a giant robot hand with piano-fingers in the style of Sorayama grabbing a shirtless warrior with Arnold Schwarzenegger's physique in the style of Boris Vallejo.
FancyShark
They rose, like the Phoenixes of Dodge
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Hahaha their names are fucking unpronounceable
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
"Stanbrans. So you can space poop."
Agent of Fortune
Those are some quality keyboard smash names
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Arsgrat is no Godfrey
gellaho
DRAGONARD!!!
Mithras Orienteers as Frosty
Unilev
FancyShark
They're not phonetic. They're pronounce "Larry". All of them.
Brendan
This universe isn't big enough for the both of us corpor--oh, I guess it is.
Agent of Fortune
DRAGONARD
Brendan
SPACE STEELE
Mithras Orienteers as Frosty
They have to be lean.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Hither came Dragonard, to tread the jewelled thrones of the Star Kings neath sandalled feet.
Agent of Fortune
Ahhahhh
LyraV
Please let Emilio Estevez show up to shout 'Regulators!' at some point.
Agent of Fortune
Savior of II Universe
Mithras Orienteers as Frosty
Apble! Smansung! Moshiba!
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Fucking of COURSE he'd be a star cop of the tenth millennium. Why did I ever doubt
Mordred's Tauntaun Froze
Ah, the CHOAM
Mithras Orienteers as Frosty
Mordred that was quick with the golden eyes I'm still thinking about it.
Agent of Fortune
There's a Clutch song called The Regulators, it's probably based on this
LyraV
Dragonard the warrior whose name is never shorthand for a dragons junk.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
His father? Also Dragonard. His brother? Dragonard too. His mother? Dragonard. His uncles cousins former roommate? DRAGONARD, bay-bee.
Agent of Fortune
Dammit Lyra I said I wasn't gonna post animes
FancyShark
The wording makes it sound like only his eyes make him a legend
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Don't fix what ain't broke
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
More like dragonerd
LyraV
His ancestors designed cod pieces for the ancient dragons I'm calling it now
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Ancient SPACE dragons.
Like Zock.
Mithras Orienteers as Frosty
I read a book called dragonard that was like erotic Django unchained.
Mordred's Tauntaun Froze
Call Anne McCaffrey
gellaho
The 738th click spells adventure
gellaho
No thanks
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
He forgot to "check niches".
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Why was he counting
Mithras Orienteers as Frosty
The Prison Planet ( name pending )
LyraV
I dare all of you to try saying Dragonard out loud with a straight face.
Mordred's Tauntaun Froze
Crematoria
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Sky sledding!!!
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
My face is gay as all hell
Mordred's Tauntaun Froze
Sounds fun, sign me up!
Agent of Fortune
Also a Clutch song
FancyShark
"Sky Sledding" is a fancy term for "fell out of a high building"
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
I can because I am a 40k nerd and its not worse than Abbadon the Despoiler.
Mithras Orienteers as Frosty
Looking him in the eye is like if Jamie Fox looked Prince dead in the eye.
gellaho
Oh, those incorrigible murderers
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Such little scamps, those murderers.
Mithras Orienteers as Frosty
Fortress Rankor, needs a name change.
The worst at plotting, excuse me?
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Fortress Bloodpain was taken already.
FancyShark
They could name the fort but not the planet
Agent of Fortune
you know what they say about long arms
gellaho
The regulation spacefield, where they play spaceball
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Dragonard can scratch his knees without bending over.
Brendan
But on prison planet, a day was four hours long, so what was he even crying about, really?
Brendan
"Dragon-nerd's buh-reasts" is the best I can manage.
gellaho
DRAGON TO THE MAX, BRAH
Agent of Fortune
He just stuck green in there to make it seem less racist
Mithras Orienteers as Frosty
I don't care if they are red blue black yellow or purple I say, but the Jews
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
MAX DRAGON! fuck yeah.
Agent of Fortune
MAXDRAGON
Dark Screams of Ramb$ne Gracie
Million
Brendan
Intergalactic prison movie feels like it would have been made more often than ten minutes of GotG
If you want to survive in prison you can't go half-dragon.
Mithras Orienteers as Frosty
Wait
Fur faced tusked Unipeds are plotting an escape.
Brendan
It's Tingo night!
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Tingo Spellhands, the fastest masseur in II Galaxy. He can make you cum in 4 parsecs.
gellaho
I again must disagree vis-a-vis humor, Jakes
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Tingo Spellhands is the name I give a wizard to convey to my dnd players that he sucks
FancyShark
@Brendan : Rex Moran, Tingo Spellhands, MAXDRAGON. What is the hierarchy?
Brendan
This is a classic rogue, villain, hero situation.
Rex Moran is our Han Solo
But really he's more of a Cassian Andor.
Agent of Fortune
you know what they say about long jaws
gellaho
The strong mouth of the starwolf
FancyShark
Yeah! They need orthodontia
Mithras Orienteers as Frosty
The author is a tall starey guy
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Okay book, does DRAGONARD!!! stand tall or stoop, make up your mind.
Mithras Orienteers as Frosty
MAX TO THE D!
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
the melancholy of the starwolf
I think djonin showed me that hentai manga
Brendan
First day of prison you have to size up everyone's biting power. Can this guy bite through a femur? A wrist, sure, but the guy you really want can crush a skull in his maw.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
He's tall and he stoops, it's a Clark Kent situation
FancyShark
HARKEN TO THE LEGEND OF THE MAN WHO IS SAD ABOUT THINGS!
Mithras Orienteers as Frosty
He has jaundice.
Brendan
Set this player's stats to max dragon with one million wolves
gellaho
Keep in mind for your Dragonard costume
gellaho
FancyShark
Fuck yes on the new title, @Agent of Fortune
LyraV
Dragonard the lone star wolf is someones dream character.
FancyShark
ADDITIONAL fuck yes on the new title, @LyraV
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
he's a wolf a dragon a phoenix and a lion now
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
He has a pinky ring like my Sicilian grandma did.
Mithras Orienteers as Frosty
They let him keep his bric a brac ring.
LyraV
This was their vision and it starred the melancholic wailing of Dragonard.
gellaho
More like Kiddo Sellhands
FancyShark
"Yes. And I'm currently winning, Tingo Smalldick"
LyraV
roused red wrath repeatedly
Mithras Orienteers as Frosty
Let's not have Tingo be a rogue anti hero. Selling kids is too far as an introduction
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
my wrath is simmering at a low green
Yknow cause im racist at green people
gellaho
Dragonard's superpower: berserk seizures
gellaho
FancyShark
We've all met at least one kid we've wanted to sell
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
The warp spasm!
Agent of Fortune
Scrofulous
FancyShark
The Epileptic Barbarian was canceled before it even aired
Agent of Fortune
I don't even have a joke
Mithras Orienteers as Frosty
A tall stooped, jaundiced, starey eyed, nervous tic epiliptic fantasist wrote this book.
Brendan
Why even put a dragon on your crest when it's in your name?
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
You can't just have all the cool animals, pick one or maybe two
Agent of Fortune
That's how cool he is
Brendan
Oh man, now there are psychic babies
Agent of Fortune
He gets all the cool animals
gellaho
Bring me the TIME SCRAMBLER for the SKYSLED POOL and the MODULATION SHIP
Brendan
Tingo was always the villain. Because Spellhands.
FancyShark
He's only left Bat, Tiger, Shark, Hawk, and Honey Badger
GDC
So our hero's superpower is poor anger management?
Agent of Fortune
And hamster
FancyShark
:TheUnfuckableHulk:
Brendan
Selling kids into ESP labor is the best form of child slavery.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Green crop? That's got to be ravist in that universe
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Taken
Brendan
Oh, poor baby, did you have to THINK very hard today?
FancyShark
Hell yes
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
That's my secret tingo spellhands
I'm always seizuring
gellaho
"You don't care about me at all, Dragonard! We don't go anywhere together anymore!"
FancyShark
ANOTHER killer title, @Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Brendan
Hugh Jackman IS Maxmillion Dragonard Dragonard
GDC
isn't the expression 'row to hoe'?
Mordred's Tauntaun Froze
Fetch quests!
FancyShark
Flowers can be sent to Rachel's family at the following address
Agent of Fortune
Haha now I'm picturing him as Hugh Jackman
gellaho
Just like a yule tree
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
agricultural aphorisms in the space future huh
FancyShark
Just a bat out of Rankor and he's gone gone gone
Brendan
"tall wolverine" = "sad berzerker rage hotboi"
LyraV
oh god he predicted finger tutting
Mordred's Tauntaun Froze
"the fuck is with the pink fingertips? Is that a sex thing?"
GDC
finger lights sounds like a brand of sex toy
Agent of Fortune
Everything is a sex thing
gellaho
Slight of hands from Spellhands? Who couldst have foreseen
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
I'd want my first two fingers without the deadly tips. For, yknow, private reasons
Mordred's Tauntaun Froze
"Why hello, milady, they call me Spellhands 😏"
LyraV
Spellhands does 'gloving' at local raves for a fee
Agent of Fortune
Eating peanut butter from the jar?
gellaho
How many petards have you seen hoisted recently?
LyraV
where you attach lights to your fingers and wave them around to to bad dubstep? did no one else date someone who professed to 'gloving'
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Only a handful i admit
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Ok so not the really bad kind of gloving.
Agent of Fortune
As long as it's not degloving
LyraV
sigh damn it
FancyShark
Gloving is where you revoke diplomatic immunity, right?
gellaho
Spellhands decides it was a good idea to taunt the man who famously goes into blind murder rages
Agent of Fortune
That's Glover ing
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Why the fuck would you front on a dude named Maxmillion Dragonard
That's just asking for death
GDC
I love the idea that prison guards are carrying tiny gongs around
FancyShark
Spellhands fights like the Three Stooges
Brendan
Our hero can't control his addiction to the high of murder.
Mordred's Tauntaun Froze
First-person berserker rages are a good cover for not knowing how to write a fight scene.
gellaho
Holy commas, batman
LyraV
I, knew, it,,,,,,,,
Agent of Fortune
That's describing my cat
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
My god, how much fiber do you have to eat to compact that much into one paragraph
Mordred's Tauntaun Froze
gellaho
Who's the Spellhands now, eh?
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
The mind games here are unreal
LyraV
Yes Spellhands, really feel it, take your time. Stare into the eyes of Dragonard as you do so.
FancyShark
Power move, but you could have just removed his heart, Dragonard
GDC
wait he picked a pocket in his blind rage?
gellaho
Ten penance credits
Agent of Fortune
He predicted Ring cameras
Brendan
As a frequent violator of this, I can tell you it's the result of reading too much schlock genre before going pro.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
oh man he's gonna have to say fifty hail marys
FancyShark
So they have to design little flags? That sounds fun
gellaho
Jog-trot to the radar castles
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
OWgah OWgah OWgah is the sound of a cartoon wolf seeing a hot fox from across the room
FancyShark
Ask your doctor if OW gah is right for you
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Just @ me and Lyra next time
Brendan
The lion was in a blind rage. The wolf was sad. The phoenix was canny enough for stickyfingers
gellaho
Reminder to keep your tubes straight
FancyShark
Our hero bravely looks for children in prison
Brendan
See? Andor.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Just put the waste tube up your butt when you have to go. Or put your dick in it. We aren't looking. Promise.
GDC
I wish I had a food service tube.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
the food and sewer system isn't a big truck
Brendan
If I hook the food tube up to the waste tube...
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Don't spoil my dinner plans
FancyShark
Total protonic reversal
GDC
That's just The Human Centipede.
gellaho
Please remember to dispose of your radioactive planetary war litter responsibly
gellaho
FancyShark
Ten centuries when you could have used "millenia"? You sicken me, writer
jakesy, weightroom hazard
This guys writing is awful and grating
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
sometimes i think i could never write professionally. Sometimes i read prose like this, and I realize that burning books is actually a great idea.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Real authors would have said it was an aeon ago.
jakesy, weightroom hazard
Never have I been more confident that my shitty Steele novel will be ok
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
The planet wars weren't important enough to merit a capital letter
gellaho
Obviously, the time scrambler scrambles molecules
gellaho
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Clearly, the time molecules
Time naturally being made of molecules
FancyShark
What is a molecule but time standing still? ...maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan?
LyraV
See without John Barrowman this just isn't doing it.
jakesy, weightroom hazard
The time molecules are there. In the device. The device has a button. I pressed the button.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Well you need to distinguish it from a quantum time scrambler, after all.
Brendan
I love how many sci-fi/fantasy books never stop world-building when "The warden didn't give a shit about his well-being" would do.
Brendan
tachyons babbbyyyy
gellaho
gellaho
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
You can tell that dragonard is a self insert because he, like the author, has untreatable mental defects
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
"Which fitted"
Irredeemable
FancyShark
Poke your way to freedom, noble Dragonard
gellaho
DAMN YOU, PANTS!
GDC
this is why you always steal the pants, too
FancyShark
In the future, every nervous system reacts to shock the same way
gellaho
This seems like a bad thing to keep in the prison library
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Theres only one reason to notice someones pants. You were scoping out their dick zone.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
"WHERE IS YOUR POWER ARMOR, RECRUIT"
"At last! Spellhands had approached!" is how you relate the tale of your escort coming towards your Pontiac Aztek
Dark Screams of Ramb$ne Gracie
the lower half of the power armor is called the Power Bottoms
FancyShark
Literally all they have to do is make one additional line somewhere on the blueprints to screw up any escape attempt
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
I feel like if I ran the propaganda ministry, my the first item on my agenda would be rebranding it
LyraV
You're going to have a hard time believing this but I'm having trouble taking Tingo Spellhands seriously.
gellaho
Randomly clawing at the controls is a real double-edged technique
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
It works great in Doom
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
In tabletop roleplaying we call this "failing forward"
gellaho
"Let me just get this fart gun real quick..."
FancyShark
"Remember: If a prisoner kills you, flail like a windsock. The security system will do the rest."
Brendan
Ear-hurting sirens
EAR-HURTING
GDC
This guy is full of malapropisms.
gellaho
Bravely fighting the farts
Brendan
Flexmillion Morangaron
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Guards and their ear-hurting sirens and bone-hurting clubs.
FancyShark
I hope they make it past the Leave-Preventing bars
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Hahaha this book fucking rules. It doesn't give a single shit
gellaho
1967 was a wild time
Brendan
Whole lot of murder to acquire CR-2032s
Dark Screams of Ramb$ne Gracie
did a fart gun melt a steal beam just there?
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
He went into the up tube. They'll never catch him
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Checkmate, government!
Brendan
He's sounding this prison.
gellaho
"You have served me well, farty"
FancyShark
Guards spend off hours getting hammered on fart gun
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Fart guns, but what do the blasters fire?
It's jizz.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
He let them have the next fart blast FULL FORCE
gellaho
There's a whole lot of Spellhandses in there
FancyShark
The prison ranks inmates on a likeability scale
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
SUMMON MY MULTIPLICITY, shrieks Tingo over the ear-hurting sirens
GDC
sucks for spellhands 1-14.
gellaho
SPELLHANDS!!!
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Should have watched your eys, dick
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
A spang of closing metal
jakesy, weightroom hazard
He flung his forearm across his nose for a shield
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Tingo isnt a quarter as popular as Drongus Magicboobs
GDC
how can someone watch their own eyes?
FancyShark
He's firing at your eyes! Protect your nose!
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Carefully
gellaho
EAT LIGHT, DICKHEADS
gellaho
jakesy, weightroom hazard
There's no way this author is a native English speaker
FancyShark
This is a zen koan, I think
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
For his neutral special, Tingo gives his opponents epileptic seizures
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Hahaha taste laser fingers. TINGOOOOOOOOOOO!
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
okay @LyraV was right, Tingo is here to RAVE
Dark Screams of Ramb$ne Gracie
what does a rock that has never seen light look like?
GDC
Spellhands is basically Space Jubilee.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
But what he is is fucking awesome
jakesy, weightroom hazard
You know who else wasn't a native English speaker?
Simon muthafuckin Hawke
Brendan
Spellhands? EDWARD Spellhands? Holy shit, I thought you moved to Tucson!
gellaho
He's still alive, I should probably go visit him
jakesy, weightroom hazard
Jakes eh?
Brendan
Hey, where are there Terrans if FIRST WORLD is back in I GALAXY
jakesy, weightroom hazard
Wait did I write this!
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
I'm changing my name
Brendan
You should. I sat out the pandemic hoping to interview a golden age artist down the road, then she died before I tried.
gellaho
If the farts don't get you, the laser light show will
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
"Florida Literary Legend" sounds kind of underselling the mind that brought us DRAGONARD!
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
There's just kind of an ambient diaspora across the whole universe. Saves a ton on prosthetic makeup costs
Brendan
If J. Michael Straczyinski is this dude's kid...
FancyShark
She didn't just say she died, did she? I've fallen for that one before.
Dark Screams of Ramb$ne Gracie
i am frequently mesmerized by powerful optical rays and mechanical hands as well
Brendan
nope, she deed.
gellaho
His gold eyes ugly
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Uuuuugly eyes~
I feel the Tingo between you and Iiii~
FancyShark
"Weird thing to call your penis, but lead the way"
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Yeah, grip that blaster, Dragonard. Oooooh yeah, tightly now.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Ooooh I'd like to argue ethics!
gellaho
And now: moving belt shenanigans
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Gotta be ready to blast at a moments notice.
gellaho
And by shenanigans, I mean violence
GDC
You can tell it's the future because they have Jetsons sidewalks
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Fart Guns, blasters, and now ray rifles? Does this book have Dracula beams too?!
FancyShark
Spellhands: War Journal
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
No vampire jokes
Not today
Brendan
Just gonna wing a few. Hope they don't suck.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Too late, I already did some regarding vampire finches and how they love boobies.
Tasteful of course.
gellaho
Licorice scented blood
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Life fluid
FancyShark
Esplanade is a...tortilla dish?
gellaho
I wonder what hate smells like
GDC
Brown anise-scented life fluid is a weird way to refer to Fernet
FancyShark
Old popcorn
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
"Wide legged, his feelings plain on his face"
LyraV
Was this ghost written by Louis L'Amour on a bender?
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
I think it smells like cordite and a specific kind of cheese.
FancyShark
"You, the reader, totally know what his face looks like and how he feels, right? Good."
GDC
The hate scent smelled like fart gun
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Spellhands is fuckin escaping and he dont CARE who gets their dick caught in what gears.
Mordred's Tauntaun Froze
Okay I've only popped in and out here but I want Spellhands to be the MC.
Just like with Ice.
gellaho
I'll note Ice never sold children into slavery
Mordred's Tauntaun Froze
True...
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
The children yearn for the mines, its fine.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Yeah but he never met a really shitty kid, now did he
gellaho
Spellhands uses that slow light
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Like a real shitheel of a six year old
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Wow the descendants of Tingle from Zelda got really hardcore.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
And they're still enslaving people! It must be in the blood
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
i guess in Galaxy II FTL just requires, like, a moderate jog
gellaho
Bloody cake
FancyShark
Now I want red velvet
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
This book brought to you by Samsung.
gellaho
Freedom credits
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
"Rosebud," whispers Prisoner Kane, as the sled's regulator lasers slice him cleanly into six separate chunks
Brendan
Solarians drink a LOT of ouzo
FancyShark
They used to be called French credits until some dickhead tried to be clever
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
"Freedom credits" is the kind of shitty metaphor Outer Worlds would come up with
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
If this was a comic book, this exact paragraph would be accompanied by a panel with Dragonard saying "The light! Smote my eyes! Like.....FIRE!"
gellaho
Gonna need some Spelllegs
LyraV
Are the freedom and penance credits actual things or just something you get assigned virtually? I'm overthinking it.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
They're on the blockchain
FancyShark
I like my villains supple
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Undone by a young supple cop. An ironic end for the child slaver
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
You can only trade them for NFTs and Dogecoin.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Let me spend three hours telling you about how revolutionary th technology is
gellaho
NOBODY SELLS OUT TINGO SPELLHANDS, NOBODY!
jakesy, weightroom hazard
CRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEDDDDDDD
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
My guy. You have cool crystal laser hands. Get some new legs, its fine, quit being a star baby.
FancyShark
Specifically, the baying of a shih tzu
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
God, Mr. Fish had a more convincing vow of vengeance
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
It really undercuts the menace of your revenge threat when you scream about how you're physically handicapped right afterward
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Anakin Skywalker handled this situation better.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Should have taken last words from The Scorpion and said "Curse your racist soul, Dragonard! You kill like a BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH!"
gellaho
Terrifying dark foam and dragoon mustaches
FancyShark
Drowning in foam is a very real fear that everyone faces when going through an automatic car wash
gellaho
Eat suspicion in the space saloon
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Enough selfies
jakesy, weightroom hazard
He ate what now
FancyShark
Suspicion. It's a Thai dish
gellaho
The heroin also helped
jakesy, weightroom hazard
He'd wakened
Of which he'd had on when he woke
Brendan
Goddamn fused the only free-floating bone in the body to his clothes.
FancyShark
He was dressed in what he'd had on
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Why not just show us him awokening?
Brendan
Glub.
Dark Screams of Ramb$ne Gracie
i had a bespokening
FancyShark
The author must've gotten called away from the typewriter during a lot of these scenes
gellaho
The cross all giants must carry: low ceilings
jakesy, weightroom hazard
Me getting ready to visit this author in Florida
Brendan
Swearing vengeance from my Roman banquet position.
FancyShark
Incorrect posture. The mark of a hero.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
We're shifting quickly to Valk's perspective i guess
gellaho
What you want is twelve year olds with rage
FancyShark
"I didn't want to carry this cross I carry in a carrying manner"
"All they gave me was a stress ball and a motivational poster!"
Brendan
beginning to suspect this story was serialized in a cheap sci-fi mag
jakesy, weightroom hazard
Awokening, I woke to verify my awakenness
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
When I was 12 I was also filled with rage, but not because my brain was defective
My brain defects were all unrelated
Brendan
His hands hanging at his sides suggested killing power, or at least ear-hurting box abilities
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
The Charles Dickens of our generation
gellaho
Max Dragonard and the Aphrodisiac Ampule Adventure
Brendan
Okay, now he's a Brockway character.
jakesy, weightroom hazard
The acid of two years, of which the years in the acid were two
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Max, what did you do to the courtier's son and his manhood?
FancyShark
"I think I could have inferred they distilled the ampules. Oh, you're going to keep talking anyway."
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
It doesn't bode well that he specified the guy was 18.
Brendan
This is the first instance I've ever seen of a cop on the edge turning in his badge and gun because he doesn't like how the chief wants a loose cannon on the case.
gellaho
I prefer my amoral youngsters emboned, but I'll eat em boneless if that's all that's available
GDC
Rage enduced deboning
FancyShark
Damn murderous youngsters with their genocidal tomfoolery
jakesy, weightroom hazard
Eh, boneless youngsters aren't even real kids, they're other parts of the human
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Oh we're gonna have to look up this dudes picture so @Arch Hotdog Witch Adrienne can make a Jakeway.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
still not convinced dragonard didn't give him a bone first
gellaho
But is it terrible though
gellaho
FancyShark
How terrible
"Fear was the name of Valk's favorite dom"
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Terribly terrible.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Lex Luthor stole 40 cakes! That's as many as eight fives!
GDC
He had now said terrible three times.
gellaho
Peeping Espers
FancyShark
"Why'd you say no, Dragonard? The diamond not big enough?"
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
A mind is a turrible thing to peep
GDC
This book should have been about Max Mechanohands.
gellaho
Brandy bubble
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
What harmless seeming craze is killing teens in YOUR neighborhood? ESPERWATCH at Ten!
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Moist with...age?
FancyShark
Age fluids are the worst fluids
GDC
Political upheaval isn't beyond imagining, it seems like the norm in II Galaxy.
jakesy, weightroom hazard
Is Jakes implying that old men drink brandy slowly
Because that's surely not the case
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Brandy Bubbles was the name of the exotic dancer who handed me my first badly printed copy of The Communist Manifesto.
gellaho
"Please ignore the dozen times he's literally seen red so far" - John Jakes
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Praxis
That esper went so deep in you, Max. We never saw anybody go that deep.
FancyShark
That esper went mindballs deep in you, Max
gellaho
Hammansworld
gellaho
I wonder what could be causing this? Certainly not the inbreeding
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
"Naw you're good, Max. Besides, we want you to be a cop, some mind numbing fury is expected. Encouraged even."
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
You and I both know this, Max, but allow me to explain it to the readers.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
:Halmet: 🌍
gellaho
Tight like a paralyzed fist
FancyShark
Oh no! Someone's killing the immortal ghouls that keep the second galaxy under a tyrannical rule!
FancyShark
I can't help reading something sexual in this, but it's tough to pinpoint
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
We're so tight, Max. Even our best espers can only get an inch or two inside
LyraV
Oh I definitely refuse to admit its a plot.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
When the weak flesh you call a temple withers and betrays you, you will beg Dragonard to save you. But i am already saved.
Brendan
"I prefer to enter a man's body after peeping him"
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
I think it's just you
gellaho
Ah, the five cornered, two dimensional world
FancyShark
Dragonard is remembering Elden Ring
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Dragonard is led into a waiting limo. Robert Macnamara seats patiently inside.
Brendan
This is Game of Space Thrones, but the dragons are the actual Targaeryreemerrenerns
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Oh the devastating wars, as opposed to the fluffy duffy tickle wars, huh numbnuts
LyraV
I am very tempted to create Dragonard
Brendan
Hahaha what, the moons were permanently gibbous?
I mean I guess orbital lock
gellaho
I can't imagine a pentagon ever being associated with an army
FancyShark
Don't joke. We lost a lot of good people to the Tickle Wars
Brendan
I'll allow it.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Okay now I'm thinking about proud fighting princes having tickle wars and that's got to already be a manga.
Brendan
They have a northern waste!
This guy must curse Martin every day.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Tickle Fight Planet has to be a thing already. If not what are we even doing here
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
I choose to believe "gibbous" is a misspelling, and it meant "gibbons" and the moons are inhabited by a species of howling monkeys.
gellaho
This seems like a very complicated flag
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Oh shit, it really is all Macnamara's fault!
gellaho
"It takes us seven months to get all the materials together for one flag"
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
synthetic, like diamonds and crystals
FancyShark
The creatives worked on the design but not the name
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
This flag fucking rules. The name needs a rethink
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Hahahah this is a full on 40k banner.
Brendan
It's a red rag, but detailed enough to show transparent colors
Sketches in the vidfiles
gellaho
Well, this doesn't seem suspicious
GDC
Too bad they can't take pictures of it in the future.
FancyShark
"You're being weirdly poetic about the thing you didn't bother having someone just draw."
Brendan
This heart flag is why they're called the Heart Flag movement.
I love that this author is smart enough to imagine things but clumsy enough to only imagine dumb people.
FancyShark
Whoa whoa whoa. Slow down, Harvard. What the hell's a flag?
gellaho
Yes, I wonder what that could possibly mean
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
The sci fi author's curse
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Drawing is lost knowledge, there hasnt been a drawist for 400 years.
Brendan
Okay, picture a rag...
But like RED
FancyShark
gellaho
Bring me the calltube
Brendan
This guy is Deep Space Garth Mahrenghi
FancyShark
holy crap, he is
Brendan
HE'S A WOLF
WE GET IT HE'S SAD LOBO
GDC
These guys have tubes for everything
gellaho
Time for the rage filled giant to do some spy work
GDC
I miss when we thought the future would be tube-based.
Brendan
"I would never emolden you, Max," said a very drunk Sectioner Valk.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Jakers needed to lay off the Conan the Barbarian.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Oh goody I love Batman
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
He chuckled wolfish, giggled lionish, guffawed dragonish, and tittered phoenixish
Brendan
In the grim future there is only pneumatic pressure
FancyShark
Does he have any distinguishing marks? How about other?
gellaho
"It took all of our best men to come up with this single earring disguise"
Brendan
Goddamn, this guy writes like he's afraid verbs will bite him.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Rimmini
Not to be confused with Jimmini, planet of negs and narcs
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Verb envenomation is a real and serious issue.
Brendan
I DON'T CARE THAT RIMMINI WAS THE LARGEST PLANET
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
A green jeweled earring means you're a bottom
Brendan
That is extraneous, you dork
gellaho
Cunardo
GDC
Cunardo sounds like an Austrailian slur.
Brendan
The earring of Dragonard was, unto his ear, by means of a hook, enfixed.
FancyShark
Cunardo of Xanthors, Lord of the Adenoid Empire
Brendan
GET AN EDITOR
This fucking guy
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
edit it with fire
Brendan
On the personal side, congratulations on 72 incredible years with your wife.
FancyShark
She doesn't care for him
LyraV
Oh he fired that guy after he made cuts in the commas and complained about the alliteration.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
When Cunardo introduces himself, he waggles his eyebrows when he says "Cunardoooooo" and adds "Ladies." in a suggestive tone. Nobody understands what he means.
gellaho
I don't want a single word of this to be touched
It is beautiful
Like his fancy cape
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
she married, which is the earth term for a legal union of monogamy, the custom by which two swear sexual fidelity to each other, for his money
FancyShark
I'm checking if sardonic means what I think it does. If it does, I'm coming back with an axe
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Space but people still use the nerd sword.
gellaho
Um, excuse me, I am a confidence artiste
FancyShark
It does. Where's my axe?
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Sorry to any rapier fans in the chat but the rapier is the nerd sword.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
"Pentagon wrote no extradition treaties"
Cutting social commentary, sire
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
(They're all nerd swords)
Brendan
Inside you are two wolves. One is sad. The other would fuck you if he weren't you.
gellaho
The swagger of a stooping giant as he watches space craps
FancyShark
Empty seabeds are called "valleys", you hack
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
You really get me, Brendan
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
YEah but only the rapier is a sword FOR nerds.
Brendan
We wouldn't need these archaic institutions if women were paid the same as men.
Women's sexuality is regulated to maintain the boundaries of men's fiscal advantage. And vice versa.
FancyShark
Jitterdice started as a mean prank on people with Parkinson's, but it's quite popular now
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
The space glass ceiling is so weird, but we can't have the lady Glorbaxians making all the Freedom Credits.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
The free molecules in the last three dice came to rest
That's the stupidest sounding clause of all time, and I'm counting Tim Allen as Santa.
gellaho
I can't say that is the number I'd expect after "achingly young," but good on you Jakes
gellaho
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Any younger and Tingo would be after her
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
"Our dice generate randomness on the atomic level! If you roll more than three, theres a 1 in 100 chance the universe will end instantly and instantly be recreated in its exact current state."
Brendan
He's Santa but only for coke snitches
FancyShark
Ever seen someone so mid-twenties it was painful?
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Her breasts were so high they were on her shoulderz
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
YEs.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Why yes I do own a mirror
Brendan
Ten thousand years in the future, hundreds of races, but buddy...there's nothing in this universe like a blonde.
jakesy, weightroom hazard
High breasted even in her 20s, bravo to Jakes for not thinking anyone over 18 is washed up
gellaho
She only works in pairs of adjectives
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Her legs went all the way to the top of her legs.
Dark Screams of Ramb$ne Gracie
because she's a battlemech
those are LRM20s
FancyShark
This author's real fetish is punctuation.
jakesy, weightroom hazard
I got a fiver on a "m'lady" coming up
Brendan
28 was probably my best year, but 25 was really the intersection of CAN DO and KNOW HOW.
FancyShark
It's got an apostrophe. It's a lock.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
My mid twenties sucked
jakesy, weightroom hazard
Hard agree, 27 was my worst year but 28 was my best
Brendan
They have longevity tech. She's basically 16. Warrant wrote four songs about her.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
But so did all the years before those so it's a wash
gellaho
And I've always kicked ass
Clerk courier
FancyShark
"As you are aware"
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
That's funny, so far 25 has been the year of DON'T KNOW and DON'T CARE for me. I must have built different a few level ups back
Brendan
He can't say breasts properly, she can't pronounce Dragonard smoothly. They were made for each other.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Average clerk courier
FancyShark
They married and gave birth to Todd from Birdemic
gellaho
She is not a Conan fan
Brendan
It's a different aeon for you. Our Starking was cool and inspiring.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Kristin still hasn't gone out of style by then, huh
jakesy, weightroom hazard
Kristin eh
FancyShark
In the far flung future, there is...Kristin
gellaho
Hawke carrying over a week
Brendan
Oh shit this sci-fi novel is now a fantasy western
jakesy, weightroom hazard
Lip time baby
Brendan
after being a prison break film
Brendan
I didn't get a Kristin till I was 29 (Star years: 13)
GDC
"no, i said my name was max, not frank"
Brendan
They have interstellar travel but nobody can mix clay and plant pigments into makeup, got it.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
It's called a Kristening and its a sacred space ceremony.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
You just know the tech nerds who have never taken a single humanities class outlawed that shit in like the second millennia
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Fun Kristin fact, I knew a Kristin in 2nd grade. She spit in my hair once.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
"I'm not Frank," he said adverbedly, "I'm Maximillion Dragonard."
"Good one," a sound not unlike vociferohs laughter poured from her mouth, "But seriously what's your name?"
Brendan
Ho ho, buddy! It was profane as anything.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
I only know Kristens and Kirstens.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
One space persons sacred is anothers star orgy or whatever.
Brendan
"Actually, my dear lady, by wearing makeup it was YOU who attempted to deceive ME, so pretending I was rich was TURNABOUT, aka FAIR PLAY."
FancyShark
"Her lips were painted in that style that was very popular among a small group of rich women and somehow known to Max"
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
How long was he in space jail again?
gellaho
Dragonard suspects she may be a recruiter for the Heart Flag, so he uses his patented doodling technique
gellaho
gellaho
2 years
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Weskit
FancyShark
Art Cop: Turn A Little To The Left, Dirtbag
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
"Hey whats that thing you're doing with that stylus? Draw-ring? whats that?!"
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
H-harry Dubois?
gellaho
Give it a whorl
FancyShark
Wait
gellaho
Dudes love a shiny thigh
Brendan
738 days, which is relative, therefore MEANINGLESS. Also everyone lives forever.
FancyShark
Did he write that space whale book at her?
Brendan
You don't?
jakesy, weightroom hazard
Depends on why it's shiny
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Wait his cover name is Frank Hastings?
gellaho
Wipeout, indeed
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
That's way too normal for the future!
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
polishing my thighs for acraxy night out
Brendan
Nothing sulks like a cockblocked bro.
jakesy, weightroom hazard
Hahaha punching holes in drywall: never gets old!
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Ghosted by a Kristin, Dragonard is living the full trailer park life.
FancyShark
Dragonard was puzzled. What the hell was a "wish"?
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Lmao she stood him up and he's like "how?? Could this be?!"
LyraV
I had to jump out and make food, how much of the Nard did I miss?
gellaho
Space craps with Karl
FancyShark
Mostly shiny thighs and punctuation
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Robert Smith
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Right? Women love berserkers who remind them of apex predators. So weird.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
disarranging the dice molecules JUST FUCKING ROLL THEM
FancyShark
Time out. Everyone swap cover names with real ones.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
"Disarranging the dice molecules" is a cutesy thing a procgen game would tell me during world generation.
gellaho
I can't believe Karl would do that
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Hahaha fucking atomic level dice loading
Dark Screams of Ramb$ne Gracie
so they're playing Boggle, right?
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
"TIME CHEAT!" Dragonard bellowed ear-hurtingly."
gellaho
Science checks out
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Chronometer? He has a watch dangling around his neck? Lik he's flavor flav?
jakesy, weightroom hazard
Casinos famously know nothing of cheating methods
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Now blast that cheater. Blast him deep in his ass.
jakesy, weightroom hazard
Hot Karl about to get fart gassed
FancyShark
Silver wafers, something everyone can relate to
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
blast him raw over the baizeee
Brendan
Robert Smith's poker face is just endless crying.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Remember it sparkled like a silver wafer. Very important degree of separation
gellaho
You know, the familiar feeling of hot flowers
jakesy, weightroom hazard
P-p-p poker face
FancyShark
Dammit, Brendan. I almost spat my drink
Brendan
I understand it worse after the contextual exposition.
gellaho
Flav's a big fan of John Jakes
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Hot flowers come from the same planet as hot hail
Brendan
Like chronometer, okay, some kind of time dilation relativity thing.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Hot flowers is just a space name for strip hanafuda.
jakesy, weightroom hazard
Karl strong. Karl get hit. But it hurt. Karl falls down
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
A hot flower
FancyShark
Karl heave
Brendan
auxilliary control field whaaaa
gellaho
Done fucked up, Karl
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
It's a control field and it's auxiliary.
It reversed the polarity of the neutron flow.
The redness dominated him, is the thing
Brendan
Sounds like Golly's spine got it worse.
"The name's Gee. Golly Gee."
GDC
This was 1967 so he wrote this by picking words at random from star trek scripts
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Holy shit he got so mad he fucking whitewashed Karl
Brendan
Although Kristin's spine got it worst of all AMIRITE FELLAS???
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Hahahah suck it, Karl. Taste Dargonards warp spasm. Gonna go Cu Chulainn on your ass.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
You can't go berserk with a rapier, it's like trying to eat steak with a salad fork
gellaho
That murder rage hangover
FancyShark
Slashing, that thing rapiers are meant for
Brendan
Sirens are ear hurting, but screams are ear-dinning in a pleasant way, got it.
GDC
I'm going to go ahead and stay this guy should probably be institutionalized.
jakesy, weightroom hazard
Pretty sure Dragongard just jizzed his pants
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Dragonard is ROCK. HARD.
Brendan
Holy shit, this author is Milton from Office Space.
Brendan
Just fantasies of rage.
gellaho
Well, as long as you fix our chairs. Nobody cares about Karl
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Fiercely Dragonard stared!!!
And then meekly offered to pay for the damages.
Dark Screams of Ramb$ne Gracie
lost his head, all right
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
"No sireee. No berserker fury for this Dragonard, I mean Frank."
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
If his named was Fiercely Dragonard, it would be no more stupid
FancyShark
This guy is Beta Kratos
jakesy, weightroom hazard
"Check please!" Wakka wakka
Dark Screams of Ramb$ne Gracie
no that's a video game
Brendan
How many Dragonards can I get for two space wolves?
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Betos
gellaho
DAMN YOU RAGE!
Brendan
A million?? Is that the max?
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Fiercely Dragonard of the Neo England Dragonards?
Dark Screams of Ramb$ne Gracie
i think it's about tops, ask chloe
jakesy, weightroom hazard
Hahahaha
"I'M SO PISSED OFF THAT I LOST MY TEMPER EARLIER "
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Pffft this guy is such a whiner
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Get this man some Prozac, god damn
Mordred's Tauntaun Froze
"I just lost control, baby"
Brendan
Well I'll say this. He wrote this character before Wolverine's first appearance
gellaho
Fuck yeah, Jakes
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
I know people with way more severe mental disorders and we're all pretty chill about them
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Hmm
Brendan
Hahaha, fuck you, ladies, with your fucking feelings.
GDC
My guy you don't need lostech medical techniques you just need therapy.
Brendan
Don't you wish you could bite your own tongue and rock back and forth like a MAN CAN?
FancyShark
"For example, if he'd been a raccoon, he'd have cried his eyes out"
Dark Screams of Ramb$ne Gracie
it's the most lost tech of all
Mordred's Tauntaun Froze
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
The best way to deal with berzerker fury is to do brain surgery, and rewire the anger impulse so that anger makes the berserker nut and fall asleep. Three minutes and the entire time they are writhing on the floor, all you need is a mop.
gellaho
Feelings are for the weak
Oh, boy, that's embarrassing
Brendan
The uncontrollable rage at all other men, the anger that a woman might feign interest in you to get away then be uncontactable, the absolute control over any loose emotions...this is what it is to be a hero.
Just a diary of this guy's week.
jakesy, weightroom hazard
Evergreen
FancyShark
Unmedicated Incel: The Novel
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
"Gilt foam" is. Not the aesthetic you want here, Jakes
jakesy, weightroom hazard
Yes I have my copy of Steele right next to my desk
gellaho
Why wouldn't you
jakesy, weightroom hazard
Yes I know where to find that quote
Do you think Book Cage is a game to me
Mordred's Tauntaun Froze
Gilt foam?
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
"Gilt foam" means piss, Jakes. You're metaphoring about piss.
Brendan
Cyborg is a man plus a computer. Neither of those things can cry.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Id assume you had your favorite passages highlighted.
gellaho
The chilly sheds are a metaphor
Brendan
I, too, am in arm's reach of a copy of Steele.
Mordred's Tauntaun Froze
Good on ya, girl, RUN
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Mm
FancyShark
Let's go to the Chili Shed after this
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
No crying men. This book is no catering to my interests.
jakesy, weightroom hazard
All the great ones are
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Good idea, Dragonard gets so into breath play he can't hear the safe word and he does NOT refrain from compressing the windpipe.
Brendan
She might be a sex object but he's writing her from the top of her intelligence.
gellaho
Their primitive fuck bracelets
Mordred's Tauntaun Froze
I'm such a square that every time I see "breath play" I assume it's just sensually blowing on different body parts. 😅
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Maxmillion "David Carradine" Dragonard
Mordred's Tauntaun Froze
Like blowing in someone's ear or the nape of their neck.
FancyShark
Ankle hygiene is a sore spot with this planet
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Like the Borg Queen did to Data in First Contact, I getcha
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Broad-swords? Like a couple of lady barbarians?
FancyShark
heyooo!
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Get an axe you pussy
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Leather harness, dick out. Just as a space barbarian should be.
gellaho
That is a lot of words to not really tell me what this looks like
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Oh, it's a duneback.
FancyShark
Behold the mighty turtle
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
He just stole a duneback from Star Wars.
Brendan
Just some Neanderthal bros, enjoying a space casino bachelor party.
gellaho
Savoring the smell of dung
Mordred's Tauntaun Froze
How the fuck do I know how tall the tallest space-horse he saw in a museum was?
gellaho
More likely George stole this
What with how time works
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Either way, steal from the best, right?
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Pollution exchangers take in carbon monoxide and create methane
LyraV
You look in your heart and make a best guess.
Brendan
This society is dwelling on First World like someone who peaked in high school
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
And are ruled by the LORDS OF THE POLLUTION EXCHANGE
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
First World problems, amirite?
gellaho
The classic children's game Acceptable, Acceptable, Unacceptable
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Jesus, dude, you had one conversation with her.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
I too am haunted by the girl who spit in my hair in second grade, Dragonard.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Crank one out, linger in the shame for a bit, and move the fuck on like the rest of us.
FancyShark
And Max sleeps the sleep of the simpy
gellaho
Flamboyant assassins
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
They wore the beards, but removed them in the presence of a lady
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Whats the point of being a cool assassin if you cant let people know it?
I learned that from both Discworld AND Assassins Creed.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Red boots mean you're an assassin, whereas green boots mean you're into pegging
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
So it must be true.
jakesy, weightroom hazard
I mean we've all had that one person who wait they literally only spoke once Jesus Christ
FancyShark
Red boots signal assassins and kids on their first snow day
Brendan
Whereas I efficiently turn oxygen into both.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
You have other more useful functions though.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
But Brendan will be equally delicious when we ritually eat him.
gellaho
The Sign of the Starfish
Brendan
Chenoweth or Wigg?
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
I thought the look of the killer was red boots?
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Oh if a belch is all it takes to make the Sign of the Starfish I do it like four times a day
Brendan
The Red Boot Murder Diaries
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
🤔 Starfish like Patrick Starr or star fish like fish that live in space?
jakesy, weightroom hazard
If you show him the sign of the starfish he gives you the hotdog flavored water
FancyShark
Bell
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
That's the look of the killer, Max just has the look of killer
gellaho
Seems like a fine establishment
Dark Screams of Ramb$ne Gracie
might just be a roper in an apron
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Graspable
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
He lidded his eyes in acknowledgement
LyraV
ew melting into the stinking dusk is not cool Dragonard no matter how you lid your eyes at it
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Oh I love when we slip into second person for literally no reason
GDC
That's either a scary dive or an incredibly bougie speakeasy.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Where is the accessible entrance?
gellaho
Stripping in the future is weird
FancyShark
The author has never seen an open sewer
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
"This bar scene is perfect for my new movie, Space Battle!" said a young George Lucas.
FancyShark
Stripping sounds incredibly annoying
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
I mean.........stripping in the now is weird. A friend of mine used to be a dancer and her gimmick that got her an all time high earnings for the night was the time she dressed up like a clown and called herself Pussywise.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
yeah we all love naked women, let's not make them carry a cacophany with them
gellaho
This seems more like terrible performance art
Mordred's Tauntaun Froze
I thought of a worst word than breasts: I once heard someone say "breasticles."
FancyShark
She's a stripping one-woman band
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Adding "icles" to anything really lowers the vibe.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
The dance is amoral, but the instruments are downright evil
FancyShark
I think "chesticles" is fun to say though
Brendan
Solid pick, I sez.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Now she does jazz hands and whispers "capitalism"
gellaho
He's got plenty of bells now
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Crowd cums instantly, and starts farting.
Brendan
Space Orientalism
gellaho
Hot?
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Reddit
gellaho
Your understanding of Asia is very different from mine
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Credit for this needs to go to @Dark Screams of Ramb$ne Gracie so either blame her or thank her for the laughs.
FancyShark
Nothing gets a crowd hot like the 1812 Overture
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
This is getting dangerous, someone ring the alarm gongs.
LyraV
I feel like the author of this book was the inspiration for several panels of Ballard St. Some ghost writer sewing bells onto his confused wife at 3am murmuring about Dragonard.
gellaho
But twas a trap!
Brendan
In the grim darkness of the future there is only male gaze.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Also anyone who calls part of a woman's body the "flanks" is a cannibal
"Janice did her Farting Sheik routine and the guy punched his way to the exit"
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Now I have read the words "Sleep gas" and am cast back in time to when I was watching The Critic and got the phrase "And now I will release a cloud of amnesia gas."
GDC
Noxious amnesia gas
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
It's like rummaging on the rope
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
"Eggs dont ripen. EGGS DONT RIPEN!"
gellaho
Not seeing a lot of strippers with bells
GDC
'its not amnesia gas!'
'but it sure is noxious, you gotta give me that.'
Brendan
Mustard gas. FAMOUS for: death! KNOWN for: sleep. Nobody thinks of it outside of trench warfare, so let's see why mustard gas is secretly, incredibly intoxicating.
Brendan
You and me both, brother.
gellaho
Suet belly
Brendan
It's a regional thing.
Upstate New York.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
I'd volunteer to crash your next birthday but I get migraines
FancyShark
Yay! Star hobo!
gellaho
Immense goggles
FancyShark
"Night goggles and stun swords" was an unsuccessful concept album by Starship
gellaho
Strange, puzzling sarcasm
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Every character is fighting to be the one with the stupidest gimmick
Brendan
can't crash if you're already invited!
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Arent all swords stun swords, just really permanent and irreversible stunning?
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
That's why we have the flat of the blade
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
I'll be there with bells on - wait fuck
FancyShark
Do we need to open a shelter for adjectives?
gellaho
I often think of excrement as glue
Brendan
Hastings's skull reverberated with the strike caused by the flat of the blade resounding upon the impact of its connection to his head.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
A new, horrifying dynamic for Paste Pot Pete
Brendan
Or a burn ward.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
"No more fucking around. Stun him REALLY HARD YOU GUYS!"
FancyShark
Setting your sword to stun is how you blow your Star Trek cosplay cover at a Renaissance fair
gellaho
The fight is going great
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
"With your swords."
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
So when do they set their swords to Giant Hand
FancyShark
Why a padded hammer?
Brendan
It's poor manners to force all those ren faire dudes to cosplay as holodeck characters without informing them.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Well we don't want to hurt him
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
You guys have brought a stun sword to a berskerker fight and Dragonard is going to be waking up tomorrow with nerd blood on his cock and bits of wood stuck to his skin.
gellaho
Third time's the charm
FancyShark
Rats sure do clatter
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Youd be surprised.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
That whole sentence is just. A trip
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Oh sask me about Brunhilda Heavypaws someday
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Grogu found a field mouse in the kitchen a week ago and the resulting fight was what I'd call a clatter, so this scans
FancyShark
Do you even lift brahs, brah?
gellaho
He half-awakens, and Jakes forgets how plurals work
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Well his name is already Jakes so
Brendan
This entire action scene is passive speech.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Only on laundry day.
FancyShark
His widdle foots
Brendan
And where it's not passive it's in camouflage thereof.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Hahaha foots
This book fucking rules
gellaho
Alright, we appear to be changing genre
FancyShark
The whole story wasn't so much dictated as suggested
GDC
This was written over 50 years ago but it reads like it was passed through Google translate.
Brendan
I don't even know if he broke a finger nail or a wall nail.
Brendan
JFC
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Bwuh??
We're fantasy now??
LyraV
Dragonard heeds not your genres
Brendan
the tavern patrons scurried away, the way rats, who are also cowardly, scurry.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Man earlier I joked about this being like Deathstalker but damn.
gellaho
Dragonard appears to be having a heart attack
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
what the fuck is happening
Brendan
HE WAS UNTIED
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
God. I wish I could give as little of a shit as this author does about his own manuscript
GDC
His rapier shone blue in the presence of orcs because it was forged in Gondolin in the Elder Days.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Interrogate Dragonard! Whale on his Dragonards with a knotted rope!
LyraV
he dug his heart out from his chest with his hands, metaphorically.
gellaho
The sarcasm of the one who had pronounced
LyraV
I'm pretty sure right? yeah
Brendan
How many Jakes does it take to overwrite a Star Kings novel?
FancyShark
Glad Jakes tied up that loose thread
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Just the ones
gellaho
No idea what the fuck a pocket punk is
Brendan
This writing isn't going off the rails so much as reaching Old '97
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Pocketpunk is shit like The Borrowers and Minish Cap.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
seriously what the hap is fuckening
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
"Forget it, he's rolling."
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Pocket Punk never quite caught on like Mighty Max or Polly Pocket.
gellaho
Starmarch is coming up. What's everyone doing for Star Patrick's Day?
Brendan
It's giving me very ardent "Book I of the Manticore Wars, the First Aria of the Stars Unbound Epic" vibes just from how it can't handle a basic sentence.
LyraV
The thought man, shrugged.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
"And before you ask, yes. Fortress Space Hustle was taken."
Brendan
Never write a single paragraph when a 17-book epic will do.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Doorbolt is a great spell. Does a lot of damage.
gellaho
The bells really threw him off
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
The Stephen King method
gellaho
(also the thing covering her head, but who's counting)
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Hahaha of course the star cop falls in star love with the star stripper.
LyraV
Just needs to get her some starfish shaped bells and Dragonard is IN
FancyShark
It's more creepy than endearing that he's excited to see the lady he saw one time again
Brendan
Boy, you dames are always lithely striding, but somehow softly.
gellaho
Double twist
Brendan
Oof, no chill on Kristin.
Kristin was ABSOLUTELY the secretary at his day job.
gellaho
Triple twist
Brendan
The only question is did he get the spine to show her his manuscript? I think not.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Oh shit its gone all sideways.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Oh no! It's…
The…
Wait. Who's this dork?
Brendan
Not sure I'd lust this hard after anyone I met at the Sign of the Starfish
GDC
Lighting emblems on the collar is a bad sign.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
I missed five minutes
Brendan
This is just PUNCHES in space
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Dont tell me anything that happened it won't matter or hold my interest
GDC
gellaho
I also don't trust electricians
Brendan
The man who owned the new voice -- this guy even makes active speech sound like passive speech.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Sneaky bastards, who knows whether fuses are real or not?
LyraV
hehe I thought it said regulators
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Close enough.
gellaho
He's been mentioned a couple of times before, but I didn't include it. Then again, the last time was like sixty pages ago
Brendan
It should, somebody messed up.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Regulars are just regulated to be regular.
GDC
Wasn't the regulators a Stephen King book?
Brendan
Thomas St. Anne, meet Maxmillion Dragonard
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
You need a regulator to regulate the regulars.
FancyShark
It was! Well, Richard Bachman, but still!
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
And regulars are self regulating so regulars are also regulators.
gellaho
I think he chose stunned
FancyShark
This reads like a snooty, spoiled child meeting their bitchin' new babysitter
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
To be fair, Dragonard has two emotions. Stunned and blood horny.
LyraV
That could have been ONE SENTENCE
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
He was stunned, like someone stabbed with a stun rapier
Brendan
The author of the book who had written it was, stepping from the shadows, perhaps as literal as much metaphorical, indeed the bearer of the name Stephen King, though he had, of late, taken to calling himself Richard Bachman, under a new identity forged for him by the regulators, along with several surgical scars to sell the new identity.
LyraV
In the silence Dragonard couldn't choose between reactions so he sat stunned. One sentence.
gellaho
Eat it, St Anne
gellaho
And St Anne is such a manly name, too
FancyShark
We have ladyboi, confirmed
Brendan
Fucker probably has emotions.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
I feel like Jakes is working through some stuff with these depictions of the masculine spectrum
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
It's like a ben shapiro novel
Brendan
I dunno, he's been described twice and they both sound like Hitler.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
St. Anne is the name of my fifty gun galleon in Uncharted Waters.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
THE LORDS OF THE EXCHANGE should be showing up anytime now
FancyShark
Most of them died
gellaho
Quadruple twist?
Brendan
Nah, Shapiro just summarizes his scenes like from the outline. This guy drags you into them at LENGTH but like you're piecing together the crime scene after the players fled.
gellaho
You are wise indeed
Brendan
We have had three grand entrances in one scene. This is like a fuckin' WWE battle.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Holy shit I summoned them
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Ohhhh shit its space STeve Jobs.
Brendan
It's like every member of NWO coming into a one-on-one.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
I legit thought they would not be appearing
FancyShark
The Differential Half-Turn is like the People's Elbow but instead of an elbow drop, it's just a guy blowing his nose
Brendan
OH FUCK YOU
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
MISHUBI is the sound I make stifling a sneeze.
Brendan
In ten thousands years, the new Japanese transistor will rule the galaxy
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Wait
Holy fucking shit
The II galaxy
Brendan
if he'd written this in the '50s all the FTL jumpgates would be under the rule of Emperor HoJo
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
It's named after this fucking guy?!?!
FancyShark
Glancing up under his eyelids, which are separate from his eyes that he sighted with
Brendan
They could have called it the Mitsubishi Galaxy
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
He's so fucking rich they named him after a number, and then named the galaxy after him
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Mitsubishi Galaxy in the Motorola cluster.
gellaho
No?
Brendan
They didn't put Heart Flag photofaxes in the vidlink?
GDC
That would have just been a rip off of the Ford Galaxy from Spaceballs
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Too late, it's my headcanon. Death of the author
gellaho
II as in the Second
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Did they ever sat what the II Galaxy is?
FancyShark
1967!
Brendan
You all said this one would kick ass, and I said no, and LOOK AT US NOW
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
He said what it was at length but he didn't explain why it was called II
FancyShark
We got to see you destroy Jakes. I think that's pretty kickass
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
yeah brendan won you guys this suuuuuuuuucks
jakesy, weightroom hazard
Mishubi is going to end up fighting Samsug I for control of the Galaxy
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
No, this is fucking bonkers. I've been eating this shit up
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Control of which galaxy is that?
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
It's somehow both completely pedestrian but so up its own ass that it wraps back around to camp
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Yeah I'm for this. Its not quite Metabarons but only because Jakes didnt do acid in Paris.
FancyShark
The Radioshack Galaxy
Brendan
The dinner of the person writing this sentence was, by its aroma, beckoning to him.
FancyShark
Honestly, I gave up trying to follow this story about three hours ago. So this is playing out more like a series of slides someone threw together without a plan. And I'm here for it
gellaho
Shit, Star Homer Simpson
Mordred's Tauntaun Froze
I keep jumping in and then having to go do adult stuff.
Brendan
And also last season's fashion was exposed breasts, sorry you the reader got here a year too late for it, even though this is just prose.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Yeah lets go with "Homer Simpson" as the reason Mishubi II is yellow af.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Same but adult stuff means something wildly different
Mordred's Tauntaun Froze
Yeah not the fun stuff.
gellaho
Dragonard stupidly gives up the guy who busted him out of prison
Mordred's Tauntaun Froze
I mean like making dinner and eating it and then doing dishes.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Just immediately bus pushed his benefactor. What a hero
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Eating dinner IS fun tho.
gellaho
Send out the Questro Blue assassinators
FancyShark
Passion in his voice to deliver something that could have been an email
gellaho
please, photofax
FancyShark
Ah, my mistake
LyraV
The placements of all these periods and commas is genuinely making me bananas
I just want to edit it SO BAD
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Assassinators
WE ALREADY HAVE A WORD FOR THAT, JAKES
FancyShark
I hope Jakes lived long enough to read Cormac McCarthy and lose his shit
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Do police assassinators wear red boots?
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Yeah! Assassinatrices.
gellaho
Killing via talk wand
FancyShark
A TALK WAND IS A MICROPHONE
Mordred's Tauntaun Froze
Oh yeah, that part is.
gellaho
And he's already used it, so I guess assassinators are something else?
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
YEah Mishubi likes to watch.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
All rich people do, it's a whole thing
FancyShark
"A wheezing, a thrumming." summarizes this book far too efficiently
gellaho
Assassin zombies?
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Fuck. Yes.
GDC
'as in a dolly shot' clarifies things for the film nerd readers.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
vegetable brains are used to kill only the most untouchable criminals
LyraV
there's no way they didn't try and push this as a screenplay
To be fair, Dragonard isn't really a detective. Just a habitual murderer who got sprung from the pokey by the guy who should have sent a detective for this shit.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
"biting" hands?
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
WELCOME
IN
OMICRON
gellaho
Doesn't seem like something a king would do
FancyShark
Doesn't seem like something a sword should do, either
Unless arteries are healed by a good massage
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
It's a healing shiv
GDC
Oh no, the space oligarchs are corrupt. Who could have guessed.
gellaho
What a mystery
FancyShark
Just shoot him
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Well he's a berserker not some kind of findologist.
gellaho
St. Anne has a hissy fit
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Dragonard has bought more than one timeshare, hasn't he?
"HELLO BOSTON! ITS US AGAIN! DRAGONARD! WITH OUR NEW HIT SINGLE, WHITE CRIMSON!"
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Pink isn't nearly manly enough
Brendan
In the antechaaaaamber to the coooouuurt of the white-criiiimson STAR KIIIIIING
gellaho
Thanks for turning that guy into hamburger
FancyShark
[jug intensifies]
Brendan
This terrible book shot the moon and rules now.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
I told you it ruled!
Mordred's Tauntaun Froze
Fuck your faster fingers ✊
Brendan
Send in the Rex Morans.
There should be Rex Morans.
Those soulful
gellaho
Probably because he was sitting on his spine
Brendan
DOLEFUL
GDC
I'm just waiting until spellhands shows up again
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
It starts out at peak stupid and keeps going!
Brendan
Schmaltz by the BOWLFUL
FancyShark
BY THE BOWLFUL
Brendan
MORAAAAAANS
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Hahaha that fucking last sentence
Mordred's Tauntaun Froze
The base of his spine, that's the butt
LyraV
Dragonard knew Deep Panic, no relation to Deep Throat
gellaho
The cashiered policeman
Brendan
What kind of dork describes sitting against a wall like this.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
W h a t
What the fuck is a cashiered policeman??
LyraV
the kind who uses the name Dragonard roughly 10,000 times per sentence
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
What planet are you from, Jakes?
gellaho
Deep, man
Brendan
Dragonard's only emotionally vulnerable while he sleeps.
He'll sing like a canary then.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Jordan Peterson. That's what it is. If Jordan Peterson wrote fiction, this is how meandering it would be, taking ten times as many words as necessary.
Mordred's Tauntaun Froze
Gah, have to bathe and bedtime the child, have fun. You all type faster than me anyway 😝
Brendan
They don't need to torture him, just have Lynx whisper in his ear.
Brendan
Il Mitsubishi, that's the evil uncle right there.
Spellhands are all our dragons.
But also sometimes our wizards.
gellaho
You guys desperately need other points of reference
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
So are they going to prison fuck or what?
Brendan
Sometimes the hero is his own dragon
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Plus, women
Mordred's Tauntaun Froze
Breathplay.
According to me.
Brendan
You might, ah, wash dishes for a year and write at night about a Dragon-Hero named Dragonov, as all the Russian greats, that whole thing from before the Communists.
FancyShark
Feel like a gamble, fight like a Dragonard
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Jordan Peterson could never come up with the flash of brilliance that a combination of syllables like Maxmillion Dragonard requires
gellaho
A clever screen or is he just a pussy
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
He can't even cook a good steak, he might as well be dead.
FancyShark
Tactical submission
Brendan
Jordan Peterson's self-insert is just Jordan Peterson but explicitly sounding like Sam the Eagle instead of Kermit.
EXCUSE ME: Konstantin
gellaho
Brendan
I cowered before my cruel captors for two decades and they BOUGHT IT!
gellaho
Death by depth probe
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Working at Cracked can't have been that bad
FancyShark
Heh heh. Gottem right where I want em
LyraV
Dragonard knew what Dragonard could never know...the true Dragonard was within.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
If it's accidental then it probably wasn't a fraud?
FancyShark
Quest for the Dragonard was the prelude to WMAC Masters
gellaho
Kristin comes to visit, so this might as well happen
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
We have sarcastic quote marks for exactly this situation Jakes
FancyShark
Kristin has an emotional breakdown every time she talks to someone. It's why she's a great waitress.
gellaho
Here comes Jeremy creepin
Brendan
How did this lady rise to the top of the secret police? She gets emotional picking a floor in the elevator.
"oh, but if only I could dare push 17! But then I'd never get to 23!"
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Ok no wait.
Is Jeremy going to somehow turn out to be Tingo?
I have fucking nothing to back this up, this is just an insane call. But oh my god, what if
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Tingo Normalhands.
Brendan
Jeremy Smellfingers
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Actual belly laugh
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Tingmy Twinkbottom.
LyraV
Jergo Handspells
gellaho
It's about time someone does
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Hahahaha I googled the author out of curiosity, guess what else he wrote?
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Fuck yeah.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Holy shit that's too many Barbarian books
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Or is it?
gellaho
And as John Jakes promises to get back to the plot
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Dragonnod narded.
gellaho
We've reached the halfway point. So, come back next week were we'll figure out what Jeremy Lynx's deal is
FancyShark
We've halfway done it!
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Hahahah yeah this is excellent.
FancyShark
This book is a blast
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Fuck yes, it's a two-parter
gellaho
You missed the most important thing
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
It's so gloriously stupid
YES
YESSSSSS
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Oh no I noted earlier this was a trilogy.
Brendan
Holy shit, that was HALF?
LyraV
OH halfway through the Nard
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Its fucking great.
gellaho
Brendan
I'll give him this: he can craft a title half the time.
FancyShark
HAHAHA
LyraV
Dragonard has imprinted himself onto my brain now.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
He did a stage adaptation of A Christmas Carol.
Nice.
Brendan
"By my troth!" came the words uttered from the mouth of Brendan. "Merely half!" He glowered, wishing he weren't burdened by love.
FancyShark
Passive Voice Christmas Carol must be so tedious
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Of course an inferior one, but everything that is not A Muppet Christmas Carol is not the best.
Brendan
The Ghost of Christmas Future Imperfect
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Shit, I might see about finding some of these books for my own pleasure if the rest of them are like this.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
This is transcendental literature. Thank you so much gellaho
gellaho
Come back next week for exciting conclusion to the 89th Edition of The Book Cage
Brendan
Gellaho, I won't say thank you, but I will express my awe and admiration
FancyShark
Thank you again, @gellaho !
Brendan
...probably in ten times as many words as possible.
FancyShark
Outstanding riffing, everyone!
LyraV
Yeah that was a trip I loved it
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
I'm so glad it wasn't a fluke.
I don't know how I could have gone on if I had been disappointed by Maxmillion Dragonard.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Such a joy everybody!
FancyShark
Have a great night, hotdoggers. See you tomorrow for more Strongest Man and Martials Arts!
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
What a book! What a team! What a 2023!
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Too bad i fell off at the end but it's a credit to all of you that i lasted that long
Thanks again gellaho!
Brendan
No MVP tonight. The spirit of Rex Moran carried us all through this angry varlet's passive adventures.
AS A FAMILY
👽 lvl. 16 meat atrocity Mo
yeah I used to stick around for the start and then peter out, got into an appreciation day off of it tho!
* STOLEN VALOR *
jakesy, weightroom hazard
I mean same, but still good work everyone
Mordred's Tauntaun Froze
I look forward to reading the parts I missed in the archive.
(no rush, gellaho)
GDC
This was a frustrating trip with a terrible author. Thank you all for suffering through this.
gellaho
The Book Cage Episode 89.5 - When the Star Kings Die Part 2
Guess who's back? Maximillian Dragonard and his merry friend Jeremy Lynx are still in prison, but Maxdragon must find the Heart Flag! And he must get vengeance upon the devious Lord of the Exchange Mishubi II and St. Anne on Pentagon. All these names are real! And what of Tingo Spellhands? We'll find out this Friday, 5pm eastern, when we complete John Jakes' seminal masterpiece When the Star Kings Die.
gellaho
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
YESSSSSSS
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
God I hope Tingo Spellhands returns
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
DRAGONARD! 🎸
gellaho
Coming up on the hour, it's When the Star Kings Die Part 2. In lieu of a preview, here's half of the next page.
FancyShark
For once, Dragonard, we are in agreement
Brendan
Buddy, I am PRIMED for this.
gellaho
Time to resume the process
FancyShark
hahaha
the cracks on the cover after one read
This book is fighting back
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
We haven't even gotten fucking close to giant hand fight
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
I think it's just dying under the strain of containing Dragonard
It can only hold his katra for so long before the vessel gives out entirely
LyraV
Did I miss the Nard?!
FancyShark
We're just getting narded!
Brendan
Baby, we waited for you to Nard.
Damn, scooped AND by the better version.
gellaho
Kristin's face is very beautiful, but very sharp
GDC
I'm gonna Nard so hard.
Brendan
If your lady hasn't come by midnight, pack it in.
Also, midnight is meaningless. It could be midnight twice an hour on this planet.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
"Painfully lovely" means her chin is digging into a nerve cluster.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
A chin you could cut Arctic ice shelves on
GDC
At midnight she turns back into a cabbage
Brendan
I do like that three moons gets you moonglare.
FancyShark
If she gets wet, though, she multiplies. Which carries pros and cons
LyraV
The way it's phrased implies to me that he somehow shoved her face under his eyelids in a painful fashion.
gellaho
It is 56 years old. Should I be taking better care of it? Probably
FancyShark
"I want you to be the first thing I see when I wake up and the last thing I see before I go to sleep."
"Aww, that's so-"
SKLRRRTCH
gellaho
We get a good look at Jeremy's ankle. He restates the time then answers a question no one asked
GDC
Say what you will about the star kings, at least they made the winds run on time
gellaho
Like, I have no idea what that "no" is in response to
Brendan
Painfully lovely is that Brian Posehn bit about a woman so hot it makes you angry.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Jeremy Lynx: Grimy-Ankled Cyberpsychic
Also why'd you get up and look at the moon before you said that, you fucking dork
Brendan
Jerelynx Grimm: Emo-psyche Manacles
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Were you just really jonesing for someone to ask about your internal chronometer
Brendan
My people have moon-tracking abilities.
gellaho
Jeremy gives his thoughts on women
FancyShark
Penises are the mark of honesty
GDC
doubt is teething
gellaho
He'd 've
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Of course a cyborg would think that. It's where they keep their human souls
Brendan
Who was it that said "Old sci-fi is amazing because it's like 'Mankind has become sentient dustclouds on Crystallax IV, the women served methane tea"
FancyShark
Hence this merit badge design that I think they were wrong to turn down
gellaho
8 Mile
LyraV
Old sweat palms
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Dragonard's post was rejected from r/sweatypalms for being too low effort
FancyShark
Old Clammy Clappers
gellaho
The moon-face of a warrior
FancyShark
"A warrior...hard..."
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
I love hearing about how Dragonard's plucky young friend is getting hard. More please
Brendan
I am chuckling without end.
Just a nice, coasting HEHEHEHEHEH
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Tbh I had no idea if that would land so thank you
gellaho
A sound like someone ripping one in the night
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Ah, we've all been there
Brendan
Jeremy's starting to sound like a Moclan
FancyShark
I guess it was a bad review
LyraV
I hate when Thud slams the Night, it's rude and seems unnecessary.
gellaho
Definitely not something a boy would do
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
We've all gambled on Taco Bell and lost at some time or another
LyraV
STAND on his shoulders
Brendan
Dragonard mused to himself it must have sounded like what Homeworld called farting, before nano-engineering created bacteria to remove such inefficiencies.
gellaho
"Bitterly, he gave Jeremy upsies"
FancyShark
Knocking Jeremy's ass on the ground
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
So did he just leave Jeremy to eat shit or is he still stacked on top
GDC
it's like they did a trust fall but Nard got distracted halfway through
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Jeremy just dangling from the bars of the window.
Brendan
Dragonard's lumbar groaned
gellaho
Jeremy out here trying to make sure someone notices their escape attempt
gellaho
Brendan
"Yeah, I've got the lock, big boy. You got the key?"
LyraV
Which anyone whose known Dragonard more than ten seconds would suspect he might do while monologuing about it in the third person.
FancyShark
"I know you and the boy companion got a whole narrative about your failure of an escape attempt while I had to summarize mine in a paragraph, but hopefully the readers won't notice"
gellaho
Jeremy is not interested in helping the other prisoners
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
The prisoners cried, but in more of a growly or a song-y way than what you're imagining
gellaho
So much so that he's willing to beat them with his... teeth?
FancyShark
Jeremy just laying out senior citizens with every sweep of the arm
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
He bit them with his hands too
GDC
he bites like a pro
FancyShark
"Biting back" isn't really something one does to another person
gellaho
He blended about five different metaphors there
FancyShark
It's more like a metaphorical way of saying you-
wait, he's gone
GDC
In this future, bite-fighting is a massively popular spectator sport
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
A choppy, gritty puree of simile
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
It depends on where they bit you.
gellaho
Announcing my new book Metaphor Blender, the unauthorized sequel to Time Blender
LyraV
I like the think he's just biting at the air in an intimidating manner
gellaho
Be sure to keep your sidekicks out of the slop-runnel
FancyShark
Does it need to be rusting? Tetanus isn't vital to this story, is it?
Brendan
Oooh, hysterical. That's gotta sting for a misogynist.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
The Slop-runnel, the thinking man's Taco Bell
gellaho
Farewell time to Kristin who they're leaving here for... reasons
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Abandoning a woman in a slop-runnel to the tender mercies of a prisoner mob. Our heroes
LyraV
Kristin who he has been hate fucking in his mind right? Am I supposed to remember them as being romantic
I really don't
I thought he kinda hated her
gellaho
Jesus, John Jakes' hold on the English language grows ever more tenuous
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
They're at least as romantic as any dude protagonist and any woman side character ever were in novels from this time period, which is a bar so low you could step over it
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Blackness wont be the only thing swallowing the two of them, heyoooooooooooooooo.
By which I mean I hope they get eaten by a gribbly.
gellaho
That second sentence is just, so so very bad
LyraV
My inner self took a deep sigh even as I asked...like it knew
gellaho
She's cried about deceiving him like 15 times, but I skipped most of them because they were largely the same
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
On a technical level it's an awful sentence, which is what makes it perfect
Brendan
Exposed as a woman! The guards will know this breakout lacks resolve.
gellaho
Dragonard's OCD is getting worse as he hears - no wait - doesn't hear the bombardment
gellaho
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
To be fair it only muffled the sound, it didn't block it entirely
LyraV
Okay this I understand, I count steps.
It keeps me from falling down them I have an actual reason.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Still a wild way to construct that imagery
LyraV
It's an unacceptable way to distribute those sentence endings.
gellaho
Dragonard faces his greatest challenge yet: an old lantern
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Thumb-ball
A distant cousin of the Ballchinnians
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Hahahah his lame ass fingers are weaker than a rusty old lantern switch.
LyraV
He can just grunt we don't need to hear about his teeth biting things together.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
So he STRIKES
🎺🎺🎺🎺🎺
Like Thummmmmmb-der Ballllllll
gellaho
I do not understand this sonic bombard
gellaho
Obviously the airlift mechanism is faulty
Because I definitely know how this thing is supposed to behave
LyraV
I saw three of Cletus the slack jawed yokel riding an electric bull with a needler strapped to the front of it.
It's all fuzz after that.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
You definitely want to ride a crew served artillery piece like a mechanical bull in the course of normal operation
GDC
I think it's supposed to be like a hovercraft?
But a shitty one
Brendan
hovercraft, but still touching.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
It's broken in a way that turns it into a fun carnival ride, which is a fault every military is looking for when it comes to choosing their munitions
gellaho
So I guess Jeremy is in league with the Heart Flag? Maybe I missed that last time
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Sure Jakes, why wouldn't he be
gellaho
The most laborious description of a grappling hook
GDC
tube-muzzled discharger is such an awkward word for gun
LyraV
It sounds more like an old ship cannon
gellaho
You know, how stone does
Brendan
CONGO universe confirmed
FancyShark
Wait, wasn't Jeremy promising to take Dragonard to the Heart Flag if he helped him escape?
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
what's the Tingo Spellhands count at so far?
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
A disappointing zero.
gellaho
Dragonard from downtown
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Fuck that there better be three clones of him running around by the endof this
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Dragonard makin some bacon.
gellaho
I guess I assumed that just meant he knew where they were
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
What's the plot so far?
gellaho
Just like the first half, started with a prison break
Just as I didn't plan it
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
incredible
gellaho
DRAGONARD STRUCK
the sand
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
He hates sand. It's so coarse and irritating. And it gets everywhere.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Like the butthole. Or his Dragonards.
gellaho
Jeremy sucks at the bugle
Brendan
Skull-bone: not technically wrong, but very indicative of this book's ongoing problems
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
He thought he detected it but it turned out to be nothing
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
a metal trumpet, as opposed to...?
Dark Screams of Ramb$ne Gracie
Jazz trumpet
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
A plastic one, like a military kazoo.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Also lol the militarized space cops have to use bugle signals?
And not like......radios?
Dark Screams of Ramb$ne Gracie
Electronic trumpet is pretty great but skull trumpet is best
LyraV
I am constantly forgetting they're in the future
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
They got lucky and escaped while the dress parade unit was on duty
gellaho
✅ Redhead
gellaho
✅ staff-butt
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
I mean redheads are the most attractive of all white women, we know this.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Her breasts were smoking that sticky icky full time
Dark Screams of Ramb$ne Gracie
How high are the breasts
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
6'5
LyraV
All the way up next to the staff butt.
GDC
Hair: Red
Thighs: White
Breasts: High
Butt: Staff
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Pothead Polly's breasts were SOOOOO high—
HOW HIGH WERE THEY?!?!
Dark Screams of Ramb$ne Gracie
It'll do
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Aw yeah, Staff butt. I like my butts like i like my bludgeons, six feet long and thick as a babys arm.
gellaho
Must be hard to ride a star beast with an erection
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Ironically depending on what kind of star beast it might get easier.
LyraV
Look I have at least one picture in battle gear with a short sword so I can't poke too much fun at this.
Dark Screams of Ramb$ne Gracie
Red hair, curious but hostile stare
We sure this ain't a cat?
gellaho
Her karate yell angers Dragonard
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
sounds like a good valentine's day present to rachel jsyk
FancyShark
Wait, is she crying or laughing?
Jakes?
JAKES?
gellaho
Known for their high breasts
GDC
She sounds like she pulled a muscle mid-kick.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Hiyaaagh is a well known cry of laughter
gellaho
Jeremy must hate that
LyraV
Refers to her staff butt as staff derriere (poetry)
GDC
Is it just me is the perspective jumping randomly from character to character?
Dark Screams of Ramb$ne Gracie
It's the only noise you can make when your breasts are so high
gellaho
Clearly, much intel was gained
Dark Screams of Ramb$ne Gracie
This is just Rambo 3
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
I mean the band is good but it's the fanbase you really gotta watch out for
Brendan
Paradise lost, I'm telling you.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Yes because yelling and riding in formation is peak military, as we all know as veteran sci fi readers.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
That's Jakes
Dark Screams of Ramb$ne Gracie
He's making friends with the mujahideen through goat heads
gellaho
John Jakes really likes splitting things in half just so he can repeat them
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
The Afghan Puppet Show.
FancyShark
Real! Time! Traveling!
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
The rickets took hold.
Brendan
Dragonard is saddle-sore.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
He should stop chewing on the saddle, that leather is that hard for a reason.
FancyShark
Teeth and bones which teeth also are
Brendan
Wine-dark hair is either purple or blue depending on whether you're Homer.
Which, PS I don't buy.
It's inductive.
gellaho
Just the most brutal tits
Brendan
I have known a brutal breast or four.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
I know two quite well
gellaho
It took another hour and twenty minutes. That's real
Brendan
This book is so manly/horny.
Dark Screams of Ramb$ne Gracie
"I'm silently raging!" - every horny
gellaho
Bel Lynx it is
FancyShark
"No, seriously, what's his name?"
Brendan
What kind of dumbass grabs a california blonde when Grace Jones is RIGHT THERE ready to kill you?
gellaho
Jeremy's joke(?) does not land
Brendan
God, just murder me dead and also be Grace Jones.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Hahahah space parents name their kids like this because there's no longer Homeworld laws to keep you from naming your son Robocop Rambo Dragonfucker.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Fuckin' airrrr balllll, Jeremy
GDC
"He was too emotionally unstable to be a cop, but I think we can trust him"
FancyShark
Jeremy's routine killed at the John Jakes Kitchen
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Bugle based comedy went out of style six thousand years ago, Jeremy.
gellaho
But this joke killed
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
And yet, jeremy
Brendan
Rebel Timecop Reiley will lead us from Homeworld, mark me on this.
gellaho
Double twist
Mordred's Tauntaun Froze
Paul Atreides
FancyShark
"Not THE Methuselah. My parents were just nerds."
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Paul is a man's name. Jeremy is the name of a kid who eats paint chips.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Just once I wanna see someone with blue eyes described as having bad ones. Like maybe squinty and cataracted.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
No offense jeremys
gellaho
The riddle of Jeremy
FancyShark
Dragonard means "He who is puzzled by baby names"
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
It would help if he knew his surname was Shaq. Methuselah Shaq. Meth Shaq for short.
Brendan
The only Jeremy of my acquaintance lost a tooth at a Bosstones concert and then another guy came up to him to ask, "Did you lose a tooth? It's lodged in this guy's skull."
gellaho
Dragonard has been fully erect for at least three and a half hours
Mordred's Tauntaun Froze
shudder
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
"Criminous"?!
FUCK YOU BOOK!
Brendan
Just forgot all about Kristin and also don't blame him.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Merry Criminous
gellaho
The Pennon of the Command Egg
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
More Egg Council propaganda.
Brendan
Jeremy's a real chauvinist for someone who lives in an egg.
FancyShark
Just once, I want one of these authors to get all horned up over a woman with hairy legs and act like it's not a big deal. Just to break up the pattern.
gellaho
That's the leader from the Regulators
St Anne the fussy
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
"She had the face of an angel, and the legs of a bear."
Brendan
Then I stand with the pro-female authoritarians.
gellaho
Jeremy is making Dragonard fight against them to prove his loyalty
FancyShark
"He wanted to run his hands through her leg hair as it billowed in the wind"
gellaho
DAMN YOU MECCANO-SCREWS
Brendan
At least they remember the precepts of Star Messiah Rebel Timecop Reiley
LyraV
I love the phrase 'the hatch of the command egg' no notes there
FancyShark
"Oh darn, I have to kill people. Whatever will I do."
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
meccano-screws.............fuck you book.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
He only just now realized he had no screwdriver
Brendan
I have the best joke for this but I can only deliver it aurally or I'll get canceled for lack of nuance.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
No meccano-screwdriver.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
People in the future have alot of time on their hands, so they make sure everything has a clunky name
gellaho
Dragonard debates popping a bubble. His erection says do it, but his loyalty to the group who took advantage of his rage birth defect is also powerful
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
It's no maxi-protonic tower, thats for sure.
GDC
The space cops gave Nard stockholm syndrome
gellaho
Dragonard can kill the bearded with impunity
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Who else is going to accept a violent sex berserker as one of their own except space cops?
FancyShark
Gillette: The Last A Man Can Get
gellaho
FUCK YOU BEARDIES!
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
ph it's fine they aren't cops, they're just untrained guys hired to be cops, murder away
LyraV
No one refers to shooting that way, you just PULL the fucking trigger Dragonard.
FancyShark
Mall security?
Brendan
"Ahhhh Dragonard this is Command Alpha, you are clear to Kill. Killing zone open fire, confirmed."
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
quite the leap to mercenary before "relaxed uniform requirements"
Brendan
So--cops?
gellaho
maaaaaaaaaaaannnnn
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
This discourse is evolving faster than I can keep up with
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
murder away
gellaho
maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
maaan
FancyShark
Can't hear you. Mowing down beards.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Quite a switch from "oh moral concerns! How can I?!" to "cackling laser death dealing."
GDC
Now that they're people who don't want him dead, he's free to kill them
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Everybody's first is their hardest. The rest is just fun
Brendan
Moving to Canada tomorrow.
gellaho
Any other author and I swear this was a pun
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Not to be construed as legal advice
But also yay come visit
FancyShark
I hope the command egg has a little general's hat
GDC
The egg was summoned by Lenny
Brendan
I love that it's still an egg
LyraV
Too late, already construed I'm otw the sew chaos
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Doctor Ivo Robotnik: Space Cop.
gellaho
, bitch
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
rad come visit
Brendan
This episode is like the densest to ever grace the Simpsons.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
bring your shortsword
gellaho
No need to tell them my intricate beard secrets
Brendan
This book seriously had him fall in love with Kristin YESTERDAY only to move on to the superior Bel, a high-breasted redhead with presumably some differences from my ex.
gellaho
Jeremy posted pickets.
LyraV
Never sew chaos without it.
gellaho
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Space threesome.
gellaho
IT'S YOUR BOY
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Awww, he's making a little picket fence
TINGO
FancyShark
WOOOOT!
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
TINGO COUNT INCREMENTED!
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
EX-slaver so you know it's okay to root for him
gellaho
Well, at least he looks more like a wizard now
GDC
More like Tingo Springleg
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
He's moved on to being a child employment advocate.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Tingo still has a limb he can lose...
LyraV
The blanket of chaos that I sew, is clearly what I meant lol
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
He wrote a bill being considered by the Iowa legislature to let kids back into the mines they yearn for.
gellaho
Um is what you say when nodding, sure
FancyShark
"Remember when I swore vengeance on you as you left me bleeding out of the stumps where my limbs used to be?"
"No."
"...I was kind of hoping you did. I had a whole thing prepared."
Brendan
"Yehh noo NUTHIN Jon Dragonard"
GDC
Slaving is one thing, but mercenary work? that's beneath you, tingo
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
"Also now Im Tingo Spellfeetandhands."
Brendan
MY GUY
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Also he has a sweet space peg leg.
Brendan
Tingo/Rex Moran buddy crime movie
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
He can open wine bottles with it.
gellaho
"And fuck you for asking me to explain, reader" - John Jakes
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Gotta save the material for that Tingo Spellhands spin off series.
gellaho
I wonder which one
FancyShark
"Dirt"
LyraV
Tingo returns in a flurry of impossibility.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
The Brak the Barbarian money might run out, always good to keep one in the pocket.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Fuck someone buy the rights to the Tingo Spellhands IP.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Tingo Spellhands shirts, Tingo Spellhands video game, Tingo Spellhands bedsheets, made with actual child labor.
Because they are regular bedsheets.
gellaho
"High-assed!? You son of a bitch!"
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
i want a series about this ex-slaver blasting cops with rave lights and never explaining shit.
LyraV
The Tingo Spellhands bra line has some potential.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
"NOBODY CALLS DRAGONARD HIGH ASSED!"
LyraV
Wait until he gets his spell hands on your tingos.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Up washed the redness, and sprang into the billabong
"You'll never take me alive!" Said he
gellaho
Spellhands gets pimp slapped
Brendan
John there's no need to lampshade stuff under the veil of suspension of disbelief.
Standard rule: if it's easier to think of an explanation than explain, vaya con diablo
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Face backspelled Handshands' hands twice he.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Blanching implies a fear response, generally not followed by a pair of backhands
FancyShark
Unless you're sassing the Golden Girls
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
"Whiteness drove the color from Jeremy's face." Fuck you book.
gellaho
Must have the bluest balls at this point
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
I have almost as many suspicions of you as Lyra does, Brendan.
Brendan
Strong females only beautiful females.
FancyShark
Last night, I would have doubted you. Now I only doubt myself.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Very natural langauge.
gellaho
Looks like it's High Blue
gellaho
And you called this book horny
LyraV
Just hammering off into the distance
Brendan
It is horny. For to be a man--IS!: to horn.
FancyShark
The sand was limitless except where it reach the limit of the horizon
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Just once i wanna see a desert described as a vista of limited sand.
gellaho
Tingo wants to get his spellhands on those highbreasts
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Hell yeah them highbreasts gonna be tingoing.
LyraV
Singing, riding and thrusting. As was his way.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Man's got to have some built in vibrator attachments.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
lyra you're a redhead. Dragonard or Spellhands?
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Otherwise what are you even doing?
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
J/k it's obviously tingo
GDC
he's got a long, strong, uh, memory
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Rob Schneider IN: Tingo All The Way
gellaho
Bel's hierarchy goes Murder Rage > Child Slaver
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Gannonblock is what they tried to do in Breath of the Wild
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Sex berserkers do have a certain direct appeal to them.
Bel is nuts tho, passing on Tingo Spellhands.
gellaho
Jeremy refuses to explain anything
LyraV
Neither but I am so utterly baffled by the Nard I'd be hanging around at least until I figured out why he keeps talking about himself in the third person.
GDC
Gannonblock is where they keep the prisoners who try to steal triforces
LyraV
Hint the answer is usually 'im an extreme narcissist'
Brendan
When did Lyra ever doubt me?
I just want people to be nice!
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Dragonard is asking how the oligarchs are repressing people, having only witnessed a literal assassination just a while ago.
gellaho
Logistics!
Brendan
French colonization of II Galaxy confirmed
LyraV
I have approximately 0 doubts about your wit.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Republicans looking for quid pro quo
GDC
Space debt management!
Brendan
KNOCK IT OFF YOU FRENCH
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
POLITICAL im sorry
Brendan
Maybe they're quebecois RACHEL WHAT DID YOU DO
gellaho
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Regulators get medals for going six months without contracting VD.
FancyShark
Alpha Mu, the lovechild of Mo and Javo
FancyShark
Ouch
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
I hope he used lube while fisting himself.
FancyShark
Especially with the pumping motion
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
He fisted it
He shot it up and down
In a pumping motion.
Unprecedented. Jakes described something not just twice, but three times.
gellaho
Security cylinders
FancyShark
If he describes it enough, you won't realize he's saying nothing at all
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Most authors would have just said he signalled a stop, but Jakes never uses one sentence when three will fit.
FancyShark
hahahaha
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Electrogun Pillboxes: "Men in Them?"!
The best sales pitch
gellaho
In case you were familiar with wands, but not guns
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Electrogun Pillboxes (Men In Them?) is one of my favorite ELO songs.
FancyShark
"State your business or believe in the power of magic"
GDC
Is a gun like one of those tube muzzled projectors?
gellaho
They got a great deal
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
I liked Hawkwinds cover better.
FancyShark
They can detect temperature unless you're very careful
GDC
Everyone, stay cool
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Electroguns
If they dont shoot lightning im gonna be so mad
gellaho
Seems like they're working great
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
It's a big pulsating telepathic land eel?
Please?
FancyShark
Jeremy, do you have ADHD? Because you just reiterated the same thought multiple ways
LyraV
The cost to whom? The taxpayers?
gellaho
Is it?
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
It's devilish risky, is the thing
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
My ADHD would have gotten bored of writing this way a long time ago.
FancyShark
Dragonard's only seen pillow fort sieges
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Sieges, famously not loud or anything.
gellaho
Whatever it's hiding, I guess it's hilarious
LyraV
Its clear that Dragonard has very selective hearing.
Agent of Fortune
Are we still doing Dragon Nerd?
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Jeremy really likes to dra out a reveal
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
"The power.........to PARRRRRRTAY!"
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
This entire book should have taken place in or around Fort Starmarch
We should just be saying that all the time
gellaho
The Spellhands are very good for dental health
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Fort Starmarch, Fort Sunjog, Fort Solarsprint.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Can't be any worse than the dentist I've been going to
gellaho
Oil the balls for attack!
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Electric Toothbrush attachment, lending credence to my "Tingo Spellhands can make his fingers fibrade for your fingerblasting pleasure." theory.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
He got the electric toothbrush attachment, but it isn't for brushing his teeth...
Fuck scooped
GDC
armament oil sounds like a 40k thing.
That was an incredibly specific scoop.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
APPLY THE SACRED UNGUENTS! CHANT THE RITE OF OILING!
gellaho
Fear our blankets!
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Rachel and i operate on similar wavelengths.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
We're kindred spirits, for better or worse (mostly worse)
GDC
I mean you just did it again
gellaho
Quickly ponderous
GDC
sounds like those guns need some armament oil
gellaho
This defense sucks shit
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Hahaha THREE OR FOUR SECONDS?
FancyShark
See what happens when you try to save some money on security?
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Beams? Fuck you.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
They built the worst defense grid, future space planners stopped playing tower defense games apparently.
gellaho
THE BLANKETS ARE TOO POWERFUL
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
If you name your deadly laser an electrogun, you do not deserve it
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
I hope the reveal is that Tingo sold them these shitty defensive systems through the black market on purpose
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Also dont refer to any kind of space gun as a "wand" or having one.
LyraV
Beams and fireballs but no lightning.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Ice and lightning lasers went out of vogue in the planet wars
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
There's only one good kind of wand, and its made by Hitachi.
gellaho
I wonder
gellaho
What!? Tingo Spellhands duplicitous? No
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
even fireballs are only back "ironically"
FancyShark
Somehow this terrible, haphazard plan went wrong!
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
No! Not the cylinders!
FancyShark
Man, if you can't trust a slaver...
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Oh suddenly hes a slaver again now he's betrayed you? He was an ex slaver a few pages ago.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Tingo knew this scene needed tension
gellaho
Tingo Spellhands suicide run
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Hate-bloated
GDC
is he currently a slaver or not? Make up your mind, jakes.
FancyShark
So bloated, it caught the moon
gellaho
Yum, beast jelly
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Man I hate when I'm hate bloated, my farts smell like egg salad.
LyraV
'He knows what he's doing' is a hard thing to howl
gellaho
I'm not sure you can ever wash that stink off you
GDC
glutinous jelly is not celiac friendly.
FancyShark
Glutinous jelly means it has a badonk, right?
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Mmm. Bread pudding beast.
Difficult to ride but awesome with syrup.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Hey now. I'm not that bad in the sack.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
This man has a serious adjective problem, worst I've ever seen.
Mordred's Tauntaun Froze
Maybe it's like glutinous rice, no actual gluten.
LyraV
Did their stupid infighting kill her beast?
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Have we remembered to be mad at "halation" yet
Mordred's Tauntaun Froze
Was it amoré?
gellaho
John Jakes describes action as awkwardly as possible
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
I sure fucking did
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
No it was Tingo
Mordred's Tauntaun Froze
Should have hauled on the reins.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
"Levering viciously"
gellaho
John Jakes tries beat poetry
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
i googled the definition just to make sure luminous was totally redundant
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
It's called "rearing up" Jakes. I know you knew that, because you wrote this with a thesaurus open on your lap.
Brendan
Does anyone else feel like this dude learned to write without passive speech in between chapters?
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Man I hate when the smell-screaming starts.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
You lost me at "this dude learned to write"
Mordred's Tauntaun Froze
Think he ever learned that sometimes passive speech has a use?
gellaho
Revenge-crazed slayer
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Not here it doesn't
Heart Flaggers sounds like a limited edition build a bear.
FancyShark
"Red and gray stuff" is what I want on my headstone
GDC
was that a typo or not?
gellaho
This is why you don't wear a harness for no reason
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
tingo is just dying cause he fucking hates you
I suppose i can admire that
Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes
I'm sure this entire book was formed by different writers who were tasked to write a chapter each. And the only reference they got was the previois chapter
gellaho
SPELLHANDS!!!!
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Yeah Tony said the same thing at Lance's funeral
Mordred's Tauntaun Froze
Fun creative writing club activity but you need a second draft.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Wet as fresh glue
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Bel. This is why you carry a KNIFE. He's open as shit, you could slip seven inches of steel into his ribs and he couldnt do SHIT about it, but you decided to dress like a space barbarian and not have a knife up your sleeve or on your torso.
gellaho
As far as I can tell, she just carries the flag
Keep your time table up to date
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Just saying, Bel. You can be practical and wear a sexy barbarian outfit at the same time.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
yeah women can't use weappns
LyraV
Three with at least two hidden if you're riding with a dude named Dragonard.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
This is exactly why you need to guard your carrier when you play CTF
Chu-whuff, chu-whuff
gellaho
Dragonard becomes polygonal
gellaho
Or spell it
gottem
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Ohhhh soon his face is going to melt like a demon piggy, thats what happens when you detach the camera and the game stops rendering things outside draw distance.
gellaho
Spellhands forgets to keep his eye on the prize
FancyShark
Woop!
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Hahaha he just fucking falls out like a dork
At least Blofeld didn't see the tree branch that got him
This guy has no excuse
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Tingo can't believe he lasted this long
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Tingo Spellhands gets a real Tucker & Dale Vs Evil death.
gellaho
Dragonard gets distracted from his duel to the death by a rock
Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes
Spellhands just loves it when Spellhands talks about Spellhands. Fuck pronouns
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
He's a triple amputee with a knife and he took out everybody but Dragonard
gellaho
Bel having a great time
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
I hope he just noscopes Tingo with that rock like Teal'c
It might make it all worth it
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
And could have just shot Dragonard in the back quite some time ago. This whole plan is kind of bad, but he's not Tingo Thinkandplanhands.
gellaho
Tingo Knifehand
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Oh come on. You give your character prosthetic hands and they don't even bifurcate into knives?
GDC
I hate it when my hands run out of batteries.
LyraV
Spellhands did not think this through
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
For shame, Jakes.
gellaho
Rock attack!
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Cmon, Jakes, at least have him break his fingers into jagged shards on a rock like a dude in a bar with a broken bottle.
FancyShark
Guess paper doesn't cover THIS rock
gellaho
The sand is more of a threat
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Tingo really loves his work. So much hoy.
Brendan
Thank you. People don't realize this. It's like blanket objecting to opening a movie with a voiceover.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
thrown stones bounce off foreheads with a "doink" sound. True fact
Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes
Dragonard fucking loves that rock
gellaho
Tingo Wetmouth
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Stab him with your corkscrew peg leg!
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
"Speed of the Crazed" is an excellent name for a Motorhead tribute band.
Mordred's Tauntaun Froze
I was just telling my son today that "said" is cool to use 90% of the time unless you really want to describe a different tone.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Mordred ejaculated
gellaho
Surprisingly, the sand throw did not stop the knife
Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes
Should have stuck with the rock
Mordred's Tauntaun Froze
I've missed so much of this but still rootin' for Spellhands! 👍
LyraV
Why would you not use his first name instead of Spellhands'
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
This reads like Jakes wanted to do a Space Conan but only ever read imitation Conan.
gellaho
And back to the rock
Brendan
I'm in favor of the gutcheck rule except you have to constantly touch brainbase to ensure your gut is fine.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Are you listening to yourself?
gellaho
And here's the rage
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Soggy kind of implies Dragonards blood is semisolid and I dont like it.
LyraV
I think this one has broken me a little
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
explain this to me when im sober
LyraV
Too much Nard
Mordred's Tauntaun Froze
Imitation Conan is fine if you're applying heat but for something like an icing or whipped cream you really want the subtle flavor of pure Conan.
Brendan
Honestly thought Spellhands and Dragonard were bros now.
Brendan
I explain best on whiskey, and no.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
aww
gellaho
The constant murder threats do give that impression
LyraV
See and this made perfect sense to me, check in with the jury box that you keep in your brain to make sure.
Brendan
Basically: trust yourself as a subjective reader but also trust your readership through more objective authorship principles.
gellaho
So, anyway, Tingo gets fucking obliterated
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Touching brainbase is a tantric thing, Sting likes to talk about it.
Brendan
Exactly. You have to be your own audience.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Fair play, if I were being flayed to the bone and then smashed into thin paste by a warp spasm Barbarian I'd be pretty worried by that stone too
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
And so another branch of the Tingle Family is extinguished.
Brendan
"Worried"
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Okay ty
gellaho
Although Dragonard is dying I guess
Brendan
No great loss for II Galaxy. Catastrophic for Homeworld.
You see, it's symbolic but Spellhands literally STABBED him in the BACK after teaming up.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Next book Tongo Magicktoes, son of Tingo Spellhands, comes for revenge.
gellaho
One last make out
FancyShark
One step above "shifted" and one step below "gnawed"
Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes
"Here is Spellhands!
Now No-Hands!"
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
A truly dignified last thought
Brendan
Kristin shows up JUST THEN
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Wait is this why im mentally ill? I misused all my peremptory challenges or someting?
Brendan
"Oh my God, I knew it."
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
So many more children will be unemployed. II Galaxy's economy needs its youths in the mines.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
that's a criminal lawyer joke because i refuse to know my audience ty
Brendan
It's legal in II Kentucky now!
gellaho
It's a bold move to try this when I have physical evidence of how much book is left
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Listen. Anything could happen
FancyShark
The rest better be a glossary
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Even Dragonard coming back to life.
Brendan
The half-life on this book is impressive.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
oh no that's so much
gellaho
Anti-knife medicine
Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes
The rest of the book is just a rambling dissertation on why Rock Pummeling becomes the official execution method of Il Galaxy
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Hahahah imagine if this was legit the end of Dragonard tho and the story just carried on, like some meditation on the frailty of life and the futility of war.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Meh. The Eliminators did it better
gellaho
He beat Tingo so much it gave him brain damage
gellaho
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
His ascension to Wheel Idiot is now truly complete
Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes
Y'all ever just kill someone so hard you die?
FancyShark
It's not that impressive, Dragonard. The ending of God of War 3 did that
Mordred's Tauntaun Froze
I had no idea berserker rages involved the brain at all.
gellaho
So they replaced his brain and... eyes?
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Typically they don't. Bad things happen when they do, as demonstrated by dear Dragonard
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
btw, someone remind me to ask in this channel if im right in thinking i can get away with more adjectives and adverbs than normally acceptable because im using a parody-noir tone
LyraV
Fuck yeah I'm going to start calling them 'awesome silences' instead of awkward ones.
Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes
When in berserker space barbarian rage, all oxygen and blood is shunted from the brain to your muscles. If the rage lasts to.long your brain dies
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
They're just detecting his existing brain damage and he wakes up just fine later.
Brendan
This hero can't afford brain damage.
FancyShark
Someone pawned his eyes
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
NEW BRAIN!
NEW DRAGONARD!
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Dragonard spelleyes anybody?
Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes
"What amounts to a new brain" is sentence that is doing an uncomfortable amount of work
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
I mean you have to consider what they were working with here
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
"Your new brain came from a red panda"
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
They lose his berserker rages and he's going to need a new character trait or nobody will pick him in the board game adaptation.
Brendan
"We transferred your memories to Windows 11! Now you'll exp--ERROR X00190181391321 WHEEL IDIOT RAM MAX SCRATCH REBOOT
FancyShark
Hey! He finally got brain surgery! Was that his character arc?
Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes
His brain is a Ship of Theseus
gellaho
Black market organs and murder get my stomach rumbling too
Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes
The big twist is he got Spellhands brain. Despite the trauma it was somehow much more functional tha Dragonards ever was
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Okay but to be fair, berserk knife murder and a coma DO work up an appetite.
Brendan
I ship Dragonard/theseus and Kristin/Bel
FancyShark
If I hear that the doctors are "highly competent", that means the speaker is trying to be polite
gellaho
Ewer
LyraV
Jeremy looked at Dragonard and said 'No more drugs for this guy'
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
"No......Dragonard you're supposed to eat it, not punch it."
Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes
You never forget your Senior Prom
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
"Stop attacking the food. BEL GET THE FLASH CARDS!"
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
"Pentagon war harness" is a weird way to describe BDUs but not entirely incorrect
gellaho
They replaced all his nerves? I don't think you know what that means, John Jakes
Brendan
"No patient has ever died within 30 days of their administration."
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
They also inserted microchips to increase the pain
LyraV
They lost the brain replacing technology in the ward WTF
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Total cybernetic reconstruction surgery pioneered by one Charles Boyce
FancyShark
It can't be done! But if it could, it'd be ancient!
Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes
Shouldn't it be "ten thousand OR more?"
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
"We added an implant that will pump a hormone cocktail that is basically super adrenaline and PCP into your bloodstream when you get angry or horny."
Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes
I'm starting to suspect Jakes didn't have an editor
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
the wars
LyraV
Did they misplace the fucking surgery blueprints I just can't it doesnt
FancyShark
New brain. Language not good yet
gellaho
Ah, the steel egg
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Usually you have to pay like 6000 caps at the New Vegas clinic for that puppy. What a steal!
Brendan
Consider plumbing.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
:SteeleYourself: 🥚
FancyShark
His gesture spoke eloquently
Brendan
Honestly? I'm openly fine with the Sun Kings dying.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Booo Kalrath? Not Fort SunSynonymRun?
FancyShark
How does Jakes keep stating the same shit over and over and then try to yadda yadda stuff?
Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes
Have we decided how we're pronouncing II Galaxy?
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
I don't think I'll ever be over Jakes just calling it Galaxy 2
LyraV
Stop speaking so eloquently of my uncertainty lol
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
they actually got the technology from the Illusive Man
gellaho
Really only got the two blood rages then. Feel a little cheated
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
He got an artificial brain graft
gellaho
Well, alright then
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
That's a thing that can happen
Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes
There's handwaving some details here and there and theres "We replaced your entire neurological system... don't worry about it"
Brendan
Unclear if humanity retained, please exhibit real penis.
FancyShark
Only a thousand? That's going to run out fast
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
this is some Get Out! Shit
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
I can't wait for them to add the Organ Bank heist to Payday 2
FancyShark
It could not.
LyraV
I totally forgot about the Lords of the Exchange
Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes
Probably be better received than the Sperm Bank DLC
gellaho
The brutality of her tits cannot be constrained by a simple tunic!
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
This book is dangerously close to Warhammer 40k.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
She couldn't quite conceal her joy or her tits
gellaho
I think they have a thousand in storage
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Nah this book has too many strong female characters
Brendan
It's a character choice that Dragonard can't stop staring at chests and forming most of his attractions around that.
Definitely fits! But it's never presented objectively.
FancyShark
A scarlet color. It's called "blue"
Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes
Her pointy boobs entered the room a few moments before her much less interesting face
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
I need to give you some of the novels, they are chock a block with fun ladies.
LyraV
Her breasts cannot stop thrusting and jutting, it's hard on her clothes.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
And on Max
LyraV
You have to hire a special tailor past a certain level of breast thrust
Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes
First time ever someone could justifiably tell a woman to "Calm her tits"
Brendan
That's why she wears battle armor.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Amberley Veil notwithstanding im not including the novels
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Titties by Lockheed Martin.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
And Patience Kys.
Brendan
TBF, most breasts have a mind of a man's own.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
And It's hard to find a Draenic tailor, trust me
gellaho
Jeremy probably should have tried telling people this, but instead went straight to mysterious terrorism
Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes
You had parents?
You weren't just created from nothing?
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
I feel like most of this hand waving could have been laced through the rest of the book and not just barfed out here
"I'll get to it presently" is the biggest lie Jeremy has ever told
Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes
Hi Dragonard, I'm Jeremy. My friends call me "Exposition Machine #435"
FancyShark
Storing spare organs on a barbarian world is begging for a "Legend of the Endless Food Cave" incident
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
We should all apologize to Jakes for complaining that he didn't explain things, the alternative is turning out to be worse
gellaho
Are you sure he wasn't on trial for "importing a bride?"
GDC
Pentagon's got barbarians and the military industrial complex.
Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes
I'm sure you know that when people have real conversations someone is always barfing out the entire socioeconomic history of where they currently are and it's relevance to the current goings on
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Poor Jakes, having to build Warhams lore from scratch in one book.
gellaho
The Lord's of the Exchange only kept a small garrison in the place keeping them alive?
FancyShark
Scenes like this really drive home how patient the other characters are to listen quietly
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
real "undergrad who just found socialism" vibe
Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes
"Now Dragonard, you would expect all of this info to be going somewhere or leading to something. But you see, Jakes had a word minimum from the publisher and he thinks Chekhov's Gun is an episode of TOS of Star Trek"
FancyShark
The Lords of the Exchange clearly want to die
gellaho
Whoa, deep man
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Except everyone wont know because you HAVENT SAID ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
So the foundation of this movement is anti-cyborg prejudice?
Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes
Maybe?
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
I feel like you're attracting an unwanted element.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Sounds more like the rich are hogging all the sweet clone organs.
Like the rich do.
Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes
I thought Dragonard killed Spellhands just because all berserkers/jocks have an unconscious need to destroy things named Tingo
gellaho
He believed and wanted and said so
FancyShark
Look, you give the poor spare organs, those things are just going to sit out on the lawn and get rusty
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Goddam Space Charlie Mungers out there with their unlimited wealth buying them extra kidneys.
gellaho
A typical writer would put the moment the hero joined the rebellion in dialog
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
HE dOESNT EVEN NEED FOUR.
gellaho
But John jakes knows better than to let that moment have a spotlight
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
hm
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
John Jakes is anything but typical.
Brendan
This book is both Steele authors in one cover.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Jakes is a really............unique writer.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
yknow i was joking about the socialism thing but dragonard just decided to rebel because he doesn't have universal healthcare
gellaho
"Because we have all their spare hamstrings"
Brendan
So not an American then.
gellaho
maaaaaaaaaaaannnnn
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
I now instantly can identify with him, except I cant go to Space Sweden and get a new brain.
gellaho
maaaaaaaaaaaannnnn
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
I'M SORRY
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Or Space Germany and get a new butthole.
FancyShark
"Specifically, hair transplants"
Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes
Consider that John Jakes uses the incredibly Pornstarrific pen name of Jay Scotland at times and a lot of his writing makes more sense
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
When you think about it John Jakes is truly the great author of the millenial soul
gellaho
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Roasted
gellaho
HALLOO
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
what do i have to apologize for each time?
You'll get an IOU
Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes
Stuff was happening. People were yelling. Bel had some fucking sweet gams
FancyShark
If she ever stops being pretty, this whole narrative will collapse
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Oh hooooo, romantic moonlight on the legs. Nice choice, Jakes.
Brendan
but what about her Mood Breasts?
gellaho
Shit, Jeremy's come down with terminal smilepox
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Currently thrusting silveredly.
Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes
They are momentarily calm, awaiting the right time to strike at Dragonards rippling manness
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
They're definitely up the peaks
FancyShark
"But to be clear, I still was a cop until a few minutes ago"
LyraV
You know those things just change color based on body heat right?
Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes
Dragon-NARC
LyraV
No magic involved.
FancyShark
Unless you're very careful
GDC
Nard just got told that some of those that work forces are the same that burn crosses.
gellaho
Swag-bellied Food-runner was the name of my third record
Brendan
Ho ho! Buddy, do I!
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Well, sometimes there's magic ✨
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
"swag bellied food runner" sounds soooo much like "Scruffy nerf herder".
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
(Call me Rachel Spellhands)
Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes
Watch out for rocks
gellaho
gellaho
Brendan
So the tunnels are lined with crystal cylinders? Or the tunnels are crystal cylinders?
FancyShark
"Beautifully synthesized ropes of human gut"
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Beautifully synthesized ropes of human gut
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
OHHHHHHH. Rocks. YEah, watch out for.......rocks. And no second thing that I didnt misread.
gellaho
EGG
Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes
Who else immediately assumed Boobs when you saw "drifting and bobbing"
GDC
Giant spools of intestines and arteries.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Described with a clinical art appreciator's detachment akin to Hannibal Lecter
Brendan
this is a charnel house with delusions of art period
Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes
Just buckets of tasteful guts
gellaho
I assume eggshell white
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
I think I've been to this place in Fallout 4
GDC
It's the prop department of a giallo movie.
FancyShark
Human Offal was very big in the past future in space
Brendan
Wake me up when he gets to the Boob Repository.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Suspicion nagged him. Naturally he didn't say anything.
Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes
Fuck, Nate Dawg!!
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Yeah because cops would never abuse the truce flare.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Raul Julia IS: Overdrawn at the Mammary Bank
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
might take a while, It's pretty high up
FancyShark
Nonsense! They're evil! And evil would never- oh wait
gellaho
Everything must be a sphere or egg
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Someone should tell Jakes ablout orbs.
Brendan
anything worth doing...
Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes
Dragonard and Jeremy realized the angry Dwarf in front of them was not Gimli
FancyShark
I see your general build, person I am acquaintenced with
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
dragonard personally gleefully murdered people as soon as he saw thy weren't fellow regulators, so he knows theyll behave honorably to him now that he's quit
gellaho
Everything round and colorful
Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes
Quick! Name 3 things about this person:
Umm.. short! Enjoys cloaks and his build is entirely general
FancyShark
Did not expect the villain to review the terrorism like a play
Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes
I'm the one known as Starfucker The Cleanser, my real name is Steve Steveson
Brendan
Blood ball
blood ball
Transistors
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Yeah St. Anne, maybe dont blurt out your fuckup in front of the immortal oligarch.
Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes
I'm the one known as Batman, my real name is Bruce Wayne.
Sorry, secret nicknames are hard
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
I am Grothkar the Soulfucker, and my real name is Melvin Bernauer.
gellaho
Jeremy is a bad leader
FancyShark
I am Darren. My real name is Gary. No, I didn't know we were doing a thing.
Brendan
This is right before Peter plotted the outright murder of their enemy
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Jeremy has heard of the Trojan Horse but never really cared because it happened in I Galaxy
Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes
This is a trap! Thought Dragonard. If only his new brain had figured out how to transfer thoughts to speach
gellaho
Lookey who's here
gellaho
GDC
Nard wants to see how this plays out.
Brendan
People don't talk enough about how Spiderman engineered a horrific death for a dude that they only knew thus far as a general alien invader with no body count
gellaho
And I guess Dragonard still has his eyes
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Listen. Spidey knew when to stay on task.
Unlike some other Peters I could name.
gellaho
Don't know what that business of him not seeing his own eyes was before then
Brendan
As all Boomers are!
Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes
It's been at least 2 days since he killed someone. Dudes going through Withdrawal
FancyShark
"Hey, babe. Guess you got out of that prison where I left you. Wanna make out?"
gellaho
maaaaaaaaaaaannnnn
Brendan
Kristin is too emotional to be an undercover cop or functional adult.
Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes
They haven't told.me if my cock works with the new wiring
gellaho
(I don't believe you, Dragonard)
FancyShark
ewwww
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Oh god, his everything burst too hard, he's lubricating right in front of them
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
I mean,
FancyShark
Later
LyraV
Was distracted by math what did I miss?
Wad, Complicit In Comedy Crimes
Jeremy "wigwagged" his arms...
gellaho
Well advanced
gellaho
Advanced Nighting 101
Brendan
He thought he was beating the genie when he wished to retain his real human penis, but never said it had to remain neurologically integrated.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Deploying "Camaraderie" this late in the game is just actively calling your audience a dipshit
Brendan
TWO DAYS
FancyShark
hahaha, basic bitch terrorists can't afford a decent flute
GDC
Mishubi can't deal with this music sober.
FancyShark
SHE WAS A WAITRESS
Brendan
Bel is RIGHT THERE you rage-goof
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Why......would you preprocess meat but leave it in joints?!
GDC
With her towering breasts
Brendan
Blonde crybaby vs redhead warrior, fuck yo dilemma
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
You're taking this space fantasy TOO FAR JAKES!
FancyShark
If Bel pulls Kristin's spine out and cuts Mishubi in half with it, Dragonard might think she's cute
gellaho
And Kristin's back to her weird performance art stripping
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
It gives the cannabis a nice smoky flavor
gellaho
Oh wow
I'm going to have to go back a bit to explain this
LyraV
THANK YOU the horror of it
FancyShark
holy shit, the book derailed gellaho
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
...wings?
Brendan
do the male narcs have to dance for the emperor too or
gellaho
So, St. Anne got blasted and is waving a knife around
FancyShark
Goofus and Gallant: A Space Opera
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
As one does
LyraV
Oh my let me get out my monocle and my dress dagger.
GDC
The space cop captain gets wasted and stabs the immortal lich god.
gellaho
So, you know. This happens
LyraV
No offense @FancyShark I very much appreciate your brand of fancy.
Brendan
This dude rules an entire Galaxy and his bodyguards just let a drunk with a knife flail within arm's length.
FancyShark
None taken. Jakes can't pull it off
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
the locked tomb series is pretty good
FancyShark
Again, they have to be eager for death. It's the only way it makes sense.
gellaho
Oh, what, I was stabbed?
GDC
Nothing kills the mood like stabbing the entertainment.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Knife based stripping accidents are so sad, this is why you dont let your bros drink too much at barbarian feasts and keep their knives.
Brendan
Good thing she's on a planet of auxiliary spleens
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
h$mbone would have loved this joke, shame she's not lurking as usual
Brendan
see? too emotional
FancyShark
Bad news: They're male spleens. She's doomed.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
I feel like we really slept on Dragonard howl-raging to his feet to warn Kristin
gellaho
Time to replace all her organs
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
They'll have to hook her up to a live star beast to filter her blood while they grow a custom spleen.
Brendan
Hard for her to differentiate from all the other howling and raging he's doing
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
well it is a full moon out
Sorry, a full technomoon
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Dragonard will have already folded St Anne like a steel chair by the end of this paragraph
FancyShark
Jakes is perving over a stab victim
gellaho
Dragonard wanted one of those hot doctors like on the TV
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Regular day at Big Eds Titty Hut on I95.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
the locked tomb series is pretty good
FancyShark
That durn Skeeter can't hold hisself steady when he gets that whiskey in 'im. Best you get the stabbing utensils away.
gellaho
That's easier than a mattress, sure
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Also shes being a real space baby about being stabbed. Like sew that girl up and she can get back to dancing.
FancyShark
Jakes, now is not the time for sci-fi whimsy. A woman is dying.
FancyShark
Ahh, bachelor parties
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
If she doesnt hurry up she wont get paid for her set.
LyraV
Hey let me spend another eighteen paragraphs describing this futuristic space hose.
gellaho
I guess the magic medical foam had never met fluids before
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
This is a classic example of why adult entertainers should unionize.
LyraV
Wait damn it I just summed up a bunch of fanfic nevermind.
FancyShark
Whirling dials are the most important part of stab surgery
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Listen, mine's not that bad
I don't know what the rest of those rubes are doing though
LyraV
If they whirl the dials fast enough maybe Dragonard will love her and turn into a real being.
gellaho
Dragonard is very familiar with most intestinal layouts
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Reverse the polarity of her neutron flow. Problem solved
GDC
These are not the intestinal hills I know.
FancyShark
Dragonard considers mentioning his collection before thinking better of it
LyraV
I mean just replace her brain right we've got the technology they lost back in 'the wars'
gellaho
It's amazing the Heart Flag has survived the long
FancyShark
wait, did he hear himself have an idea?
LyraV
The Nard hears all.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Let the man have his sword, he's earned it
LyraV
My autocorrect knows now to capitalize Nard out of respect to the Dragonard lineage I'm sure.
gellaho
This seems like a bad system
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Telling that as soon as dragonard joins them they become completely incompetent
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
I still get corrected to Prito and he only showed up in one book since I got here
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Singlehandedly bringing down the collective IQ
gellaho
Their leader did get captured going out for supplies
II Galaxy is mostly incompetence
FancyShark
Grocery runs are fraught with peril
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Aw god, it really is The Outer Worlds.
gellaho
BTW that is why Jeremy was in that prison. That wasn't like a scheme to get Dragonard or anything
Brendan
Narrative drama will attend world-building and LIKE it.
gellaho
Keep the intestines soaked in pepto bismol. Smart.
FancyShark
Noooo! Narrative drama doesn't WANNA!
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
me neither at this point
FancyShark
Pepto really can solve any stomach upset!
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Yeah because you'd never need a second set of backup organs, right?
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Again: we could have seen how the organ bank works in a more organic way than an infodumping
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
It makes total sense to just keep ONE that will work.
gellaho
Classic drunk stab infiltration technique
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
the third act is a terrible time for a huge clump of worldbuilding
FancyShark
It's the warranty that's the real gamble
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
You could have saved her Mister Police. I gave you all the cyberclues
gellaho
Horrifying jollity
gellaho
(Please ignore Dragonards complete deference to the Lords for most of the book)
LyraV
Pale and thoroughly sober are a terrible combination (I'm speaking from experience).
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Tychohama
FancyShark
I love how every villain becomes Snidely Whiplash when they have a gun and a hostage
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
So much for your fancy, Policeman
Great catchphrase
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
trust her she's ginger
gellaho
I don't know what you are talking about
GDC
If only nard had voiced his concerns at literally any point.
FancyShark
Damned new brain
gellaho
Such staggering complexity
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
His new brain makes him repeat the gist of what people says as a question.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Nanotechnology, huh?
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
A trick AND a lie!
Double duplicity point!
LyraV
It could be 'Movies set to Arm' and make just as much sense.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
I see a flaw in this brilliant plan.
FancyShark
"Hrrrm...a question?"
hahaha, scooped
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Because Mishubi is now in close quarters with a huge maybe former berserker.
FancyShark
I love that their plan involved "drunk stabbing woman and hopefully they know where the organ bank is"
gellaho
The classic phrase: "there go the fish into the gravtubes"
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Also "We think just because she betrayed them a little they'll still give a shit about her life."
Brendan
Lord I am confused.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
sure, the famous athelete special
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
I smelled a trick, but said nothing, which is lucky because you were also saying nothing
FancyShark
I can't believe this book has sequels
GDC
Jeremy was right not to trust nard.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
"It's almost like this was pulled out of some cosmically powerful narrators ass, its such a coincidence."
FancyShark
"Fish into the gravtube" sounds like a euphemism for something your grandpa complains about
Brendan
So the galactic emperor who was at war with Dragonard and Jeremy on two fronts...
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Also Jeremy why was this place not guarded heavily? None of this would have worked if you had better security.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
What are you talking about, I could watch this author trainwreck himself against his typewriter forever
Brendan
feigned his own accidental stabbing
gellaho
You're just like Dragonard!
LyraV
Thank you! I couldn't put my finger on it but that's it
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
All accordng to keikachu
Brendan
to "accidentally" stab a waitress/cop Dragonard liked
so he could order her brought to the organ banks
which he could not access himself.
but then he swept in
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
It's a great plan!
Brendan
with sober St. Thanne
gellaho
He stabbed someone so they could secretly infiltrate the organ farm
Brendan
and Jeremy was on one side or the other
Right but HE ordered the organ farm opened to save her
FancyShark
Well, when you say it like that, it sounds stupid
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Its a classic plan, like when that guy hid a dagger in a fish to murder Qin Shihuangdi. And equally not going to work, but points for gumption.
gellaho
It's a very complicated two step plan
Anyway, Kristin's dead
Brendan
I hope Bel no longer wants you, you dumb pud.
FancyShark
See, Nard? THIS IS WHY YOU TIP 20%
gellaho
At least she got it better than that uggo doctor
Brendan
Blonde but not forgotten.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
it's a shame djonin isn't lurking, he could have told me about why this joke sucks
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Bel is back in the game!
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Oh noooo, that girl cop stripper. Noooo, such a loss to the story. Emotion.
Brendan
Are you sure the headless one is dead?
Or is he just waiting for his brain transplant?
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Ah fuck i just lost power
LyraV
Nah he just brutally thinks she's hot his true love Kristin is always Just out of reach. It's the 'starship troopers' paradox.
gellaho
He's bearded! Get him!
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Frog blast the vent core! Reroute shields!
FancyShark
GDC
Wait, is frowsy a word?
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Everything is a word if you can make it mean something.
gellaho
Dragonard now has a more complex, richer rage
FancyShark
It is, but I choose to believe it means "Alternate evolution of Drowzee"
GDC
So in this case, no.
gellaho
A full-bodied anger
LyraV
Every panel of this comic is so epic.
FancyShark
Ohhh, so he's got Valor now
LyraV
Weather?
gellaho
Yeeeeeeeesssssssssssss
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Alright my reception sucks so illbe spotty
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
FancyShark
Jeez. Really showering in the viscera, Nard
gellaho
A puzzle-maze
FancyShark
I legit want to see how Jakes writes a grocery list
Brendan
Not a metaphor in sight, nope.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Jakes. The fuck do you think constitutes a non-puzzle maze?
FancyShark
A hallway
gellaho
It's amazing how much play this fucking trumpet gets
Brendan
BLUTKKAKE
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Call the Puzzmong, he'll help you right out
LyraV
Dragonard is with you in spirit
FancyShark
That's it. Pack it up. Brendan wins.
gellaho
By the tens and fifties
Brendan
heads ran with drips of blood OOP he's back
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Nobody "scrambles" up a knitted rope
Brendan
This book is the rare case of passive-aggressive speech.
FancyShark
Jakes is so bad at this that I'm starting to doubt the meaning of words entirely
Brendan
I'm old enough to remember when bukkake was a term only a few people on the internet knew and used to scandalize novitiates.
GDC
If this was a better author I would say that a base 50 counting style would be good world building.
Brendan
Do you know what I would give to return to that world?
FancyShark
Not the "I feel old" speech I would have expected
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Ooh me too!
Brendan
6 billion people, hope was in the air, no two-step verifications needed.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
I was nine but im sure that sort of thing had no effect on my development
Brendan
Base 60 is where it's at.
gellaho
I wonder which of the fifty cylindrical objects Jakes has described this is
gellaho
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
now excuse me i have to make more jokes about how im a huge slut
Brendan
1 2 3 4 5 6 12 15 20 30, clearly the best base
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
According to the Epic of Gilgamesh, sluts are holy and the font of civilization.
gellaho
Nope, it's a new one
GDC
I think that's what they did in Babylon.
gellaho
Thanks, John!
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
bitch i know i am
Brendan
So are these boom tubes or trammel ca--oh, something in the middle.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Thank you for civilizing the man-beasts the gods send to mess with us.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Oh my god JC a portable bombdrill
Brendan
And look how well that turned out!
FancyShark
Portable bombdrill AKA a grenade launcher
Brendan
Everyone knows you have a heart of gold though.
GDC
They got some sweet gardens out of it at least.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Booo, mole mine was right there Jake.
Mordred's Tauntaun Froze
Only twenty field packs?
gellaho
John Jakes definitely doesn't know what cry and bawl mean
FancyShark
God, I wish you were wrong
LyraV
Black marble with solid gold veins running through it, all classy like.
FancyShark
Because Dragonard bawling at the terrorists would be stellar
Brendan
Kristin kind of blew up their meaning, RIP
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
He used bawl correctly, just in an old timey definition 2 kind of way.
gellaho
Fire-Shot Thunder was the name of my fourth album
Brendan
This man got married in 1951, I'll allow it.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
I genuinely have no idea what's going on
FancyShark
So, create a diversion. You understand the masterful tactic of "look over there"
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
fuck you brendan i deny him everything
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Like, there's a battle I think? But this choreography is just terrible
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
the real thumb in the readers eye is the lack of consistency in his word choice. Write like you want to fuck HP Lovecraft or like you learned to write in the 20th century, make your choice Jakes.
Brendan
Honestly, we're dicks, but he wrote this in a time when LSD didn't even exist.
gellaho
Then they all get buried under rocks somehow
Brendan
This is practically cyberpunk.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Rocks Fall Everyone Lives
LyraV
If only I had the hands of an artist and access to gold and marble to sculpt it's glory. I've gotten distracted hehe
FancyShark
The eagles! The eagles are coming! Everyone! The eagles!
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
i demand you stop being fair and reasonable immediately
Brendan
Yeah but judge him from here in Christofascismalem and he looks okay.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Fuckin......FUCK YOU JAKES! DID YOU JUST BILBO YOUR MAIN CHARACTER?!
Brendan
We can program you some if you'll just recline in this foam-bed.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
I'm just here to cage books durn it
FancyShark
GODDAMN RIGHT HE DID!
LyraV
What else could he possibly do?!
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Lyra this is an unnecessarily elaborate proposal
Brendan
was LotR a tragedy about Gollum or a comedy about Sam? Let history judge from the rubble of Kristin's wrath.
gellaho
Carry-prongs
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
There are so many times in this book I would angrily but gently set it down (I dont believe in throwing books.) and yell at it.
FancyShark
Thank you for telling us the dimensions of the random object, Jakes. I was going to have trouble sleeping.
Brendan
I threw the cat who walked through walls across the room 10 pages in, and I don't regret it 20 years later.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Suicide bomber Dragonard!
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
not me i want 2 significantly digits at a minimum
gellaho
The thumbpush
gellaho
Why, this book rules
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
It makes the Bilboing all the more infuriating.
Brendan
But look at its kingdom, Gellaho.
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Literary blue balls
LyraV
His carry prongs
FancyShark
Passively
gellaho
Did Bilbo do a suicide bombing
FancyShark
He did in my rewrite of the movie
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Only when he appeared in the movies
LyraV
I hung my coat on this carry prong.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Tolkien had it in his notes.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
for his career, mostly
gellaho
Neel recognizes the secret of the beard
GDC
You made it further into that book than I did into As I Lay Dying.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Hell yeah, Beard Brotherhood!
Brendan
No one should be made to engage with that book at a novice level.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
I once gave up on a book at the bottom of the first page
gellaho
Apparently Dragonard has a half hour to strap the bomb on the most important thing to the invading force
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
No jokes, for me this was twilight
FancyShark
A crazyman
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
they called you a crazyman. they made it one word and everything
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
mine was Star Wars: Revan
LyraV
Thanks Neel for that massive ego boost.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Same. Also "The only bottom Rachel doesnt like."
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
I made it like halfway through Twilight but only because it was the only thing on the shelf during detention
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Man kotor was so good that blows
Rachel, Big Gay Vampire
Cruel and unusual punishment
Brendan
I took a drive to the Jersey shore from the Bronx once, saw a friend had 50 Shades in her car, and spent the better part of an hour reading selections with Christian as Cartoon Duck and Anastasia as Fran Drescher
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
opening with Bastila casually joking about her husband contemplating suicide was. a choice Drew Karpyshyn made
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Jakes you fucker, make up an actual conlang or dont, not everyone can Clockwork Orange, my droogie.
gellaho
That is thrilling
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
real quick before we move on: "Have luck"
Brendan
Rachel isn't picky, just demanding.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
It couldn't hold!
But it did.
gellaho
This is just how people talked in the swinging 60s, man
LyraV
Hi I'm Neel here to tell you that other people say you're a total badass but I get it now you sure are Nard. You're totally bitchin.
FancyShark
Jakes is making me long for the tight focus of Simon Hawke pitching swiss army knife virtues
gellaho
Unlucky
GDC
I haven't heard the height of Bel's breasts mentioned lately, my interest is flagging.
gellaho
Well then
FancyShark
Faster than the speed of thumb
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
You know what, my attention has been dwindling as well, I wonder if it's related
Brendan
It should be assumed they range from "dangling by" to "dragged by."
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
"and blood spurted" is one hell of a conjunctive predicate
gellaho
Dragonard has no defense against knife stabbings
Brendan
the momentum is the thing. Direction is the belweather
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
If his blood is spurting from a bite in the heel of his palm his blood pressure must be amazing.
gellaho
St Anne stronger than he looks
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Bone broke
FancyShark
Now they both light cigarettes
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Full stop after bone broke is a curious choice.
LyraV
This guy. Loves doing. This.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
A complete thought if ever there was one
Brendan
HOW
gellaho
I guess Dragonard used his broken bone to get St Anne's knife
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Increases emphasis.
Brendan
How does he manage to make a two-word, complete sentence sound passive?
Bone broke, yes.
BUT
DID it?
Or did he BREAK THE BONE
LyraV
He's typing one handed at this point.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
he let himself get stabbed so hard the knife broke a bone that projected out of him and stabbed St Anne
FancyShark
BLOOD DOESN"T WELL UP THROUGH LOWER EYELASHES!
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Dragonard is a fucking Necromorph
LyraV
I feel the only correct answer is Bone Break.
gellaho
Weird lights convulsed his insides
Brendan
I'd buy it if not for the femur-to-calf broken-bone strike earlier.
You get one.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
I want him to kill someone using the pharyngeal jaws Dragonard has had this whole time but Jakes never mentioned until now.
Brendan
Hey now, they wick.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
String the Filament, Policeman was a weird followup to Repent, Harlequin! Said the Ticktockman
gellaho
He gutted him good with that long twisted knife stab that broke bone
FancyShark
Eyelashes are outside the eyelids! If something wells up through them, that means it's welling up outside the eye
you know what, I'm going to stop before I hurt myself
Brendan
"Dragonard pulled artfully roped guts from the walls and stuffed them into his open wound."
gellaho
Still managed to run a mile though
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Embrace the suck
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
At that rate your blood is gonna well up thru your eyelashes.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Do not, my friends, become addicted to quality! For you will become resentful of its absence
gellaho
Quality is boring
GDC
Quantity is where it's at.
gellaho
What's this? A new opportunity for stabbing?
FancyShark
It's a regular Stabsgiving!
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Maximilian Dragonard, stab magnet.
gellaho
Oh, it's just Jeremy
gellaho
A Franklin W Dixon ghostwriter got in here
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
so is Jeremy a good rebel or a secret bad rebel
Brendan
I'm a novelty man myself.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
More important how tall are his tits?
LyraV
I so badly wanted Bel to stab him.
Brendan
They're gonna transplant Kristin's tits onto him and she'll live on that way.
FancyShark
"I'm not into you like that, Jeremy"
Brendan
Wait
gellaho
That's not what that's called
gellaho
Brendan
Why didn't the emperor just do this whole plan while Dragonard got a new, non-Wolverine brain?
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Maniacal Scarebird sounds like a fucking 100gecs album
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Which is why your light switch plates are all nude men and you only eat ice cream sandwiches.
gellaho
Jeremy's entire thing was getting the medical technology out to people, so he probably doesn't want Dragonard to explode it
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
he had to take care of his dailies in WoW
Brendan
That's the most Warhol shit I've ever heard.
LyraV
They lost the word scarecrow during 'the wars'
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Fair play, that's better thought out than I first thought. Carry on, Jakes
gellaho
Knowing something is possible is not quite the same as knowing how to do it
FancyShark
I hope Jeremy's plan for distributing the organs is to toss them into crowds
gellaho
For example, I know that organ transplants are possible. But that doesn't mean a whole lot to somebody without working kidneys
Brendan
Don't blame society because your moonshot ate shit.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
"I know I just wrecked most of the underpinnings of galactic society but listen! We know how to grow organ transplants!!
"Okay how do we do that?"
"I don't know."
This is exactly how you get the proles to start thinking about counter revolution, Jeremy.
Brendan
They conquered FTL but can't clone organs.
FancyShark
These terrorists suck. You couldn't even start a rumor?
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Hey uh......Dragonard, maybe if you want people to take hope and be inspired by the possibility that things exist, dont BLOW UP THE ONE THAT DOES!
Brendan
Makes you wonder what we're sleeping on at this point, right?
gellaho
I WANNA BLOW IT UP
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
NO IT'S NOT YOU FUCKING MORON
FancyShark
Button shiiiiiiiiiiiny
gellaho
STOP BEING SUCH A LOSER, JEREMY
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Leftist Infighting, starring The Lords of the Exchaaaange!!
FancyShark
Classic sunk cost fallacy
Brendan
So are they just assassinating clone scientists like Iranian physicists?
gellaho
Here comes stab number 3!
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
I mean Jeremy has a plan that is actionable, Dragonards is just fucking dumb. Did they replace his brain with a little bag of sand or what?
gellaho
Or does it!
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
so far Dragonard has been defeated by Knife, Knife, Knife, Rock, and Knife again
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Pleasbetingospellhandsplease!
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
God help him if anyone ever figures out how to work a gun
Brendan
I dunno, Jer, Dragonard seems pretty immobilized. Maybe just do your thing while he watches helpless.
gellaho
Bel choose the Dragonards
FancyShark
YES
Brendan
Classic space adventurer.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
FUCK YES
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Bel "Talltits Brotherstabber" Lynx.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
All it takes is some half-bared heaving breasts and Dragonard's back in the game
Brendan
hahaha she committed fratricide and her breasts return as mood rings.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Yeaaaah its going Conan now.
LyraV
Like streams of rain a thing that is not hair like or red.
FancyShark
Thrusting and heaving, like hounds pulling at their chains
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Full Conan, Bel is going to screech "TAKE ME AND CRUSH ME WITH YOUR LOVE!" and they'll fuck.
Brendan
Imagine betraying your own sense of self and history's like, "Man, her tits could not HANDLE this."
gellaho
He's fine though
LyraV
Her breasts were like Cerberus guarding the river Styx.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Don't worry, it only hit muscle, I don't need that
Brendan
Don't even show me your boobs if they're not thrusting and heaving, ladies.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Bel you suck, you stabbed him in the back and failed to kill him.
Brendan
I'm spoiled by modern living.
gellaho
Seems like Bel might have immediately regretted that decision
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
You didnt stab enough, go back and finish the job.
gellaho
Or she's into it
Unclear
FancyShark
NOOOO! NOT THE BEAUTIFUL INTESTINES!
gellaho
A grand success!
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Hahahaha what a shitty fortress, he blew up ONE door and the whole thing caved in?
Brendan
My brother and I saw you and your narc-girlfriend from across the space-bar...
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
I changed my mind, he was right to blow it up.
Brendan
we were thinking you'd be into a little role-stabbing?
gellaho
Med dust
FancyShark
Eight thousand men went in. Twenty eight came out.
Brendan
BUT ONLY FIVE WORE THE GREEN BERET
FancyShark
Which means only one thing: I get top bunk whenever I want
gellaho
Some ye olde at the end here
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
If nothing else I'm glad they're finally getting beyond Thunderdome
LyraV
I'm sure Dragonard will be great at blending in
GDC
sounds like a real hive of scum and villany
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Great plan, not vague at all.
gellaho
(I still don't believe you about Kristin)
FancyShark
No one moved because they are crippled, malnourished and wondering where their friends are
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Um......I think they passed the point of no return quite a while ago, Bel. Like maybe at least one.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
She found the cloth somewhere. Don't worry about it.
gellaho
"We have much, much less than we did! Huzzah!"
FancyShark
"Giddyap"
Brendan
brisket's served. Enjoy your space cop western barbarian quest
BEL CAN DO BETTER
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Except........no? Everyone already knew this was possible, just lost technology, that you made lost again because you blew it up.
FancyShark
Take care, @Brendan !
gellaho
Very romantic
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
^o^/ Enjoy your delicious meats @Brendan
LyraV
Later on @Brendan
gellaho
I mean, it's over
FancyShark
Dragonard immediately starts getting catty about Bel's threads
gellaho
Well, now it's over
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Dragonard, you knew that space cop waitress stripper for like two days? Get over it. geez, you have a new brain and everything.
FancyShark
The Ache for Kristin is a nasally punk song from the 90s
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Also way to pull the new brain ladder up after yourself my guy.
FancyShark
Max "Fuck You, Got Mine" Dragonard
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
Fountains of Wayne's much less popular sequel song to Stacy's Mom.
gellaho
We have defeated When the Star Kings Die
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Man, for a prison break/prison break/suicide bombing book, kind of a heel-dragger
LyraV
Yeah but the Nard can't be satisfied with an amazing warrior who loves him he must always long for something more to be a true man. I guess?
FancyShark
We did it!
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
We dun did it!
He never even fought the giant Floormaster, what the fuck
LyraV
I will never forget about Dragonard.
Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage
This book kinda ruled too, I kinda hope we see more of Jakes.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Please make him the new Steele
gellaho
So concludes the 89th edition of The Book Cage
FancyShark
It does show lights coming from the fingers though. So I think it's supposed to be Tingo
LyraV
Excellent addition to the Book Cage @gellaho
FancyShark
Thank you, @gellaho !
LyraV
Thank you so much
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Holy shit I think you're right
FancyShark
Great quipping, everyone!
GDC
Thanks everyone, this was a good one.
Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Thanks again, @gellaho !
GDC
Thank you for powering through the baffling prose of Jakes
gellaho
May all your spellhands be tingoed
Brendan
I just don't grok why they couldn't maintain the embargo against the star kings, destroy the stock, and preserve the tech.
Brendan
found a typo. She jockeyed her BREAST up alongside his.
