#1 Dragonard
The Book Cage - Episode 89: When the Star Kings Die
Maximillian Dragonard: an ex-cop in prison whose birth defect has given him beserker rage. It's violent, it's stupid, it's from 1967. There's also a guy named Tingo Spellhands. I don't know that I really need to say anything else. So join me this Friday, 5pm eastern, as we meet Dragonard the murderer. Dragonard the madman, Dragonard the beast.
Maxmillion Dragonard
Of the Cr'nglorgaxian Dragonards?
This one is going to be R O U G H
Of the II Galaxy Dragonards
And it is going to R U L E
We did a short dive into this book and determined it ruled, it was like doing a test mine and landing in the middle of the world's richest gold vein
Hell yeah. This book had me at Star Kings.
That entire last sentence is just incredible
I dare y'all to read it all in one go without taking a breath in the middle
I like the giant silver hand
Seems like it would be hard to grab someone if you were encased in dirt, even if you're giant.
Coming up at the top of the hour, it's When the Star Kings Die use this preview to inspire yourself to bathe in the blood of your enemies.
Crack Men
"so, y'know,his name is also Dragonard, yadda yadda"
Was the author given a Dragonard quota?
Maybe it was a bet to see how many he could put in one novel.
Sorry I'm still hung up on "Crack men"
Wait hold on
Okay I am looking forward to this book more than any book I've looked forward to since I read Deathstalker.
Ligma Dragonards
Hang on I just noticed the second overwrought use of the word "was". I'm back in it
Excitedly bouncing in seat for Star Kings.
Butt men who are specialists.
Dragonard Dragonayle
Star King of the Hot-Dog System
With his haunted golden eyes, he sees more evil
Dragonard really stands out.
At least they haven't slipped out
I'm putting away the animes BTW, I know it annoys Gellaho
@Brendan is always on fire during Book Cage 👏
Get your spellhands ready
Wait so is his name Dragonard Dragonard?
Can't even compete
Maxmillion Dragonard
It's all the booze he drinks, it makes him really dangerous near open flame.
Stars
Looks like Dragonard is all starkings
It's still fun to try!
I feel like the 5th age of the star kings was cooler
The pink fingertips bother me.
Save the star stars from the stars or the stars from the star stars
My God, the physique on that man.
I was told he was lean
That's an Arnold shoulder.
Lean for an Arnold
Dragonarnold
In relation to the giant hand he is.
Hahahah that cover looks like someone was really trying to Boris Vallejo.
SEE, THEN, II GALAXY
Il Galaxy was a weird direction for the Super Benito franchise to turn
Ah good, my colonialism has arrived.
This reads like a Styx song
You hold this book to your ear and you can hear the sound of a rejected John Williams score.
Oh, no, this bodes, poorly,,,,
I choose to believe it's Il Galaxy like it's Italian.
That looks like a Sorayama hand
The guy who drew the sexy robots in the eighties
Oh this also reads exactly like the intro paragraph to 40k novels, the "In the grim darkness of the far future etc." part.
The primitive days of folk-memory
I can't help it, "Lords of the Exchange" sounds like a first draft title of The Wolf of Wall Street.
In II Galaxy all paint styles are as one.
II galaxy received a cease and desist order from Apple
Unlike your primitive FIRST HOME art market.
This is already giving me a headache
II galaxy is unreadable
Battletech lore intensifies
Hahaha I fucking love this shit. A lifetime of dumb Star Wars bullshit has inoculated me
Eye eye galaxy
Oh god this prose is so masturbatory
BEHOLD THE INBRED LORD'S OF THE EXCHANGE
Eee Galaxy.
What about The Inn of the Last Home?
DALL-E, paint me a giant robot hand with piano-fingers in the style of Sorayama grabbing a shirtless warrior with Arnold Schwarzenegger's physique in the style of Boris Vallejo.
They rose, like the Phoenixes of Dodge
Hahaha their names are fucking unpronounceable
"Stanbrans. So you can space poop."
Those are some quality keyboard smash names
Arsgrat is no Godfrey
DRAGONARD!!!
Unilev
They're not phonetic. They're pronounce "Larry". All of them.
This universe isn't big enough for the both of us corpor--oh, I guess it is.
DRAGONARD
SPACE STEELE
They have to be lean.
Hither came Dragonard, to tread the jewelled thrones of the Star Kings neath sandalled feet.
Ahhahhh
Please let Emilio Estevez show up to shout 'Regulators!' at some point.
Savior of II Universe
Apble! Smansung! Moshiba!
Fucking of COURSE he'd be a star cop of the tenth millennium. Why did I ever doubt
Ah, the CHOAM
Mordred that was quick with the golden eyes I'm still thinking about it.
There's a Clutch song called The Regulators, it's probably based on this
Dragonard the warrior whose name is never shorthand for a dragons junk.
His father? Also Dragonard. His brother? Dragonard too. His mother? Dragonard. His uncles cousins former roommate? DRAGONARD, bay-bee.
Dammit Lyra I said I wasn't gonna post animes
The wording makes it sound like only his eyes make him a legend
Don't fix what ain't broke
More like dragonerd
His ancestors designed cod pieces for the ancient dragons I'm calling it now
Ancient SPACE dragons.
Like Zock.
I read a book called dragonard that was like erotic Django unchained.
Call Anne McCaffrey
The 738th click spells adventure
No thanks
He forgot to "check niches".
Why was he counting
The Prison Planet ( name pending )
I dare all of you to try saying Dragonard out loud with a straight face.
Crematoria
Sky sledding!!!
My face is gay as all hell
Sounds fun, sign me up!
Also a Clutch song
"Sky Sledding" is a fancy term for "fell out of a high building"
I can because I am a 40k nerd and its not worse than Abbadon the Despoiler.
Looking him in the eye is like if Jamie Fox looked Prince dead in the eye.
Oh, those incorrigible murderers
Such little scamps, those murderers.
Fortress Rankor, needs a name change.
The worst at plotting, excuse me?
Fortress Bloodpain was taken already.
They could name the fort but not the planet
you know what they say about long arms
The regulation spacefield, where they play spaceball
Dragonard can scratch his knees without bending over.
But on prison planet, a day was four hours long, so what was he even crying about, really?
"Dragon-nerd's buh-reasts" is the best I can manage.
DRAGON TO THE MAX, BRAH
He just stuck green in there to make it seem less racist
I don't care if they are red blue black yellow or purple I say, but the Jews
MAX DRAGON! fuck yeah.
MAXDRAGON
Million
Intergalactic prison movie feels like it would have been made more often than ten minutes of GotG
Hell yeah recall
There we go
He hates gray tunics! He's so relatable!
You win
Maxdragon redeems this book.
Yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
TINGOOOOOOOO
Tingo!
If you want to survive in prison you can't go half-dragon.
Wait
Fur faced tusked Unipeds are plotting an escape.
It's Tingo night!
Tingo Spellhands, the fastest masseur in II Galaxy. He can make you cum in 4 parsecs.
I again must disagree vis-a-vis humor, Jakes
Tingo Spellhands is the name I give a wizard to convey to my dnd players that he sucks
@Brendan : Rex Moran, Tingo Spellhands, MAXDRAGON. What is the hierarchy?
This is a classic rogue, villain, hero situation.
Rex Moran is our Han Solo
But really he's more of a Cassian Andor.
you know what they say about long jaws
The strong mouth of the starwolf
Yeah! They need orthodontia
The author is a tall starey guy
Okay book, does DRAGONARD!!! stand tall or stoop, make up your mind.
MAX TO THE D!
the melancholy of the starwolf
I think djonin showed me that hentai manga
First day of prison you have to size up everyone's biting power. Can this guy bite through a femur? A wrist, sure, but the guy you really want can crush a skull in his maw.
He's tall and he stoops, it's a Clark Kent situation
HARKEN TO THE LEGEND OF THE MAN WHO IS SAD ABOUT THINGS!
He has jaundice.
Set this player's stats to max dragon with one million wolves
Keep in mind for your Dragonard costume
Fuck yes on the new title, @Agent of Fortune
Dragonard the lone star wolf is someones dream character.
ADDITIONAL fuck yes on the new title, @LyraV
he's a wolf a dragon a phoenix and a lion now
He has a pinky ring like my Sicilian grandma did.
They let him keep his bric a brac ring.
This was their vision and it starred the melancholic wailing of Dragonard.
More like Kiddo Sellhands
"Yes. And I'm currently winning, Tingo Smalldick"
roused red wrath repeatedly
Let's not have Tingo be a rogue anti hero. Selling kids is too far as an introduction
my wrath is simmering at a low green
Yknow cause im racist at green people
Dragonard's superpower: berserk seizures
We've all met at least one kid we've wanted to sell
The warp spasm!
Scrofulous
The Epileptic Barbarian was canceled before it even aired
I don't even have a joke
A tall stooped, jaundiced, starey eyed, nervous tic epiliptic fantasist wrote this book.
Why even put a dragon on your crest when it's in your name?
You can't just have all the cool animals, pick one or maybe two
That's how cool he is
Oh man, now there are psychic babies
He gets all the cool animals
Bring me the TIME SCRAMBLER for the SKYSLED POOL and the MODULATION SHIP
Tingo was always the villain. Because Spellhands.
He's only left Bat, Tiger, Shark, Hawk, and Honey Badger
So our hero's superpower is poor anger management?
And hamster
:TheUnfuckableHulk:
Selling kids into ESP labor is the best form of child slavery.
Green crop? That's got to be ravist in that universe
Taken
Oh, poor baby, did you have to THINK very hard today?
Hell yes
That's my secret tingo spellhands
I'm always seizuring
"You don't care about me at all, Dragonard! We don't go anywhere together anymore!"
ANOTHER killer title, @Badger - Rated R for Relevant
Hugh Jackman IS Maxmillion Dragonard Dragonard
isn't the expression 'row to hoe'?
Fetch quests!
Flowers can be sent to Rachel's family at the following address
Haha now I'm picturing him as Hugh Jackman
Just like a yule tree
agricultural aphorisms in the space future huh
Just a bat out of Rankor and he's gone gone gone
"tall wolverine" = "sad berzerker rage hotboi"
oh god he predicted finger tutting
"the fuck is with the pink fingertips? Is that a sex thing?"
finger lights sounds like a brand of sex toy
Everything is a sex thing
Slight of hands from Spellhands? Who couldst have foreseen
I'd want my first two fingers without the deadly tips. For, yknow, private reasons
"Why hello, milady, they call me Spellhands 😏"
Spellhands does 'gloving' at local raves for a fee
Eating peanut butter from the jar?
How many petards have you seen hoisted recently?
where you attach lights to your fingers and wave them around to to bad dubstep? did no one else date someone who professed to 'gloving'
Only a handful i admit
Ok so not the really bad kind of gloving.
As long as it's not degloving
sigh damn it
Gloving is where you revoke diplomatic immunity, right?
Spellhands decides it was a good idea to taunt the man who famously goes into blind murder rages
That's Glover ing
Why the fuck would you front on a dude named Maxmillion Dragonard
That's just asking for death
I love the idea that prison guards are carrying tiny gongs around
Spellhands fights like the Three Stooges
Our hero can't control his addiction to the high of murder.
First-person berserker rages are a good cover for not knowing how to write a fight scene.
Holy commas, batman
I, knew, it,,,,,,,,
That's describing my cat
My god, how much fiber do you have to eat to compact that much into one paragraph
Who's the Spellhands now, eh?
The mind games here are unreal
Yes Spellhands, really feel it, take your time. Stare into the eyes of Dragonard as you do so.
Power move, but you could have just removed his heart, Dragonard
wait he picked a pocket in his blind rage?
Ten penance credits
He predicted Ring cameras
As a frequent violator of this, I can tell you it's the result of reading too much schlock genre before going pro.
oh man he's gonna have to say fifty hail marys
So they have to design little flags? That sounds fun
Jog-trot to the radar castles
OWgah OWgah OWgah is the sound of a cartoon wolf seeing a hot fox from across the room
Ask your doctor if OW gah is right for you
Just @ me and Lyra next time
The lion was in a blind rage. The wolf was sad. The phoenix was canny enough for stickyfingers