89: When the Star Kings Die John Jakes

Mordred's Tauntaun Froze

Only twenty field packs?

gellaho

John Jakes definitely doesn't know what cry and bawl mean

FancyShark

God, I wish you were wrong

LyraV

Black marble with solid gold veins running through it, all classy like.

FancyShark

Because Dragonard bawling at the terrorists would be stellar

Brendan

Kristin kind of blew up their meaning, RIP

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

He used bawl correctly, just in an old timey definition 2 kind of way.

gellaho

Fire-Shot Thunder was the name of my fourth album

Brendan

This man got married in 1951, I'll allow it.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

I genuinely have no idea what's going on

FancyShark

So, create a diversion. You understand the masterful tactic of "look over there"

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

fuck you brendan i deny him everything

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Like, there's a battle I think? But this choreography is just terrible

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

the real thumb in the readers eye is the lack of consistency in his word choice. Write like you want to fuck HP Lovecraft or like you learned to write in the 20th century, make your choice Jakes.

Brendan

Honestly, we're dicks, but he wrote this in a time when LSD didn't even exist.

gellaho

Then they all get buried under rocks somehow

Brendan

This is practically cyberpunk.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Rocks Fall Everyone Lives

LyraV

If only I had the hands of an artist and access to gold and marble to sculpt it's glory. I've gotten distracted hehe

FancyShark

The eagles! The eagles are coming! Everyone! The eagles!

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

i demand you stop being fair and reasonable immediately

Brendan

Yeah but judge him from here in Christofascismalem and he looks okay.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Fuckin......FUCK YOU JAKES! DID YOU JUST BILBO YOUR MAIN CHARACTER?!

Brendan

We can program you some if you'll just recline in this foam-bed.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

I'm just here to cage books durn it

FancyShark

GODDAMN RIGHT HE DID!

LyraV

What else could he possibly do?!

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Lyra this is an unnecessarily elaborate proposal

Brendan

was LotR a tragedy about Gollum or a comedy about Sam? Let history judge from the rubble of Kristin's wrath.

gellaho

Carry-prongs

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

There are so many times in this book I would angrily but gently set it down (I dont believe in throwing books.) and yell at it.

FancyShark

Thank you for telling us the dimensions of the random object, Jakes. I was going to have trouble sleeping.

Brendan

I threw the cat who walked through walls across the room 10 pages in, and I don't regret it 20 years later.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Suicide bomber Dragonard!

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

not me i want 2 significantly digits at a minimum

gellaho

The thumbpush

gellaho

Why, this book rules

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

It makes the Bilboing all the more infuriating.

Brendan

But look at its kingdom, Gellaho.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Literary blue balls

LyraV

His carry prongs

FancyShark

Passively

gellaho

Did Bilbo do a suicide bombing

FancyShark

He did in my rewrite of the movie

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Only when he appeared in the movies

LyraV

I hung my coat on this carry prong.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Tolkien had it in his notes.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

for his career, mostly

gellaho

Neel recognizes the secret of the beard

GDC

You made it further into that book than I did into As I Lay Dying.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Hell yeah, Beard Brotherhood!

Brendan

No one should be made to engage with that book at a novice level.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

I once gave up on a book at the bottom of the first page

gellaho

Apparently Dragonard has a half hour to strap the bomb on the most important thing to the invading force

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

No jokes, for me this was twilight

FancyShark

A crazyman

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

they called you a crazyman. they made it one word and everything

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

mine was Star Wars: Revan

LyraV

Thanks Neel for that massive ego boost.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Same. Also "The only bottom Rachel doesnt like."

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

I made it like halfway through Twilight but only because it was the only thing on the shelf during detention

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Man kotor was so good that blows

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Cruel and unusual punishment

Brendan

I took a drive to the Jersey shore from the Bronx once, saw a friend had 50 Shades in her car, and spent the better part of an hour reading selections with Christian as Cartoon Duck and Anastasia as Fran Drescher

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

opening with Bastila casually joking about her husband contemplating suicide was. a choice Drew Karpyshyn made

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Jakes you fucker, make up an actual conlang or dont, not everyone can Clockwork Orange, my droogie.

gellaho

That is thrilling

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

real quick before we move on: "Have luck"

Brendan

Rachel isn't picky, just demanding.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

It couldn't hold!

But it did.

gellaho

This is just how people talked in the swinging 60s, man

LyraV

Hi I'm Neel here to tell you that other people say you're a total badass but I get it now you sure are Nard. You're totally bitchin.

FancyShark

Jakes is making me long for the tight focus of Simon Hawke pitching swiss army knife virtues

gellaho

Unlucky

GDC

I haven't heard the height of Bel's breasts mentioned lately, my interest is flagging.

gellaho

Well then

FancyShark

Faster than the speed of thumb

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

You know what, my attention has been dwindling as well, I wonder if it's related

Brendan

It should be assumed they range from "dangling by" to "dragged by."

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

"and blood spurted" is one hell of a conjunctive predicate

gellaho

Dragonard has no defense against knife stabbings

Brendan

the momentum is the thing. Direction is the belweather

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

If his blood is spurting from a bite in the heel of his palm his blood pressure must be amazing.

gellaho

St Anne stronger than he looks

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Bone broke

FancyShark

Now they both light cigarettes

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Full stop after bone broke is a curious choice.

LyraV

This guy. Loves doing. This.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

A complete thought if ever there was one

Brendan

HOW

gellaho

I guess Dragonard used his broken bone to get St Anne's knife

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Increases emphasis.

Brendan

How does he manage to make a two-word, complete sentence sound passive?

Bone broke, yes.

BUT

DID it?

Or did he BREAK THE BONE

LyraV

He's typing one handed at this point.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

he let himself get stabbed so hard the knife broke a bone that projected out of him and stabbed St Anne

FancyShark

BLOOD DOESN"T WELL UP THROUGH LOWER EYELASHES!

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Dragonard is a fucking Necromorph

LyraV

I feel the only correct answer is Bone Break.

gellaho

Weird lights convulsed his insides

Brendan

I'd buy it if not for the femur-to-calf broken-bone strike earlier.

You get one.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

I want him to kill someone using the pharyngeal jaws Dragonard has had this whole time but Jakes never mentioned until now.

Brendan

Hey now, they wick.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

String the Filament, Policeman was a weird followup to Repent, Harlequin! Said the Ticktockman

gellaho

He gutted him good with that long twisted knife stab that broke bone

FancyShark

Eyelashes are outside the eyelids! If something wells up through them, that means it's welling up outside the eye

you know what, I'm going to stop before I hurt myself

Brendan

"Dragonard pulled artfully roped guts from the walls and stuffed them into his open wound."

gellaho

Still managed to run a mile though

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Embrace the suck

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

At that rate your blood is gonna well up thru your eyelashes.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Do not, my friends, become addicted to quality! For you will become resentful of its absence

gellaho

Quality is boring

GDC

Quantity is where it's at.

gellaho

What's this? A new opportunity for stabbing?

FancyShark

It's a regular Stabsgiving!

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Maximilian Dragonard, stab magnet.

gellaho

Oh, it's just Jeremy

gellaho

A Franklin W Dixon ghostwriter got in here

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

so is Jeremy a good rebel or a secret bad rebel

Brendan

I'm a novelty man myself.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

More important how tall are his tits?

LyraV

I so badly wanted Bel to stab him.

Brendan

They're gonna transplant Kristin's tits onto him and she'll live on that way.

FancyShark

"I'm not into you like that, Jeremy"

Brendan

Wait

gellaho

That's not what that's called

gellaho

Brendan

Why didn't the emperor just do this whole plan while Dragonard got a new, non-Wolverine brain?

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Maniacal Scarebird sounds like a fucking 100gecs album

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Which is why your light switch plates are all nude men and you only eat ice cream sandwiches.

gellaho

Jeremy's entire thing was getting the medical technology out to people, so he probably doesn't want Dragonard to explode it

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

he had to take care of his dailies in WoW

Brendan

That's the most Warhol shit I've ever heard.

LyraV

They lost the word scarecrow during 'the wars'

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Fair play, that's better thought out than I first thought. Carry on, Jakes

gellaho

Knowing something is possible is not quite the same as knowing how to do it

FancyShark

I hope Jeremy's plan for distributing the organs is to toss them into crowds

gellaho

For example, I know that organ transplants are possible. But that doesn't mean a whole lot to somebody without working kidneys

Brendan

Don't blame society because your moonshot ate shit.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

"I know I just wrecked most of the underpinnings of galactic society but listen! We know how to grow organ transplants!!

"Okay how do we do that?"

"I don't know."

This is exactly how you get the proles to start thinking about counter revolution, Jeremy.

Brendan

They conquered FTL but can't clone organs.

FancyShark

These terrorists suck. You couldn't even start a rumor?

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Hey uh......Dragonard, maybe if you want people to take hope and be inspired by the possibility that things exist, dont BLOW UP THE ONE THAT DOES!

Brendan

Makes you wonder what we're sleeping on at this point, right?

gellaho

I WANNA BLOW IT UP

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

NO IT'S NOT YOU FUCKING MORON

FancyShark

Button shiiiiiiiiiiiny

gellaho

STOP BEING SUCH A LOSER, JEREMY

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Leftist Infighting, starring The Lords of the Exchaaaange!!

FancyShark

Classic sunk cost fallacy

Brendan

So are they just assassinating clone scientists like Iranian physicists?

gellaho

Here comes stab number 3!

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

I mean Jeremy has a plan that is actionable, Dragonards is just fucking dumb. Did they replace his brain with a little bag of sand or what?

gellaho

Or does it!

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

so far Dragonard has been defeated by Knife, Knife, Knife, Rock, and Knife again

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Pleasbetingospellhandsplease!

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

God help him if anyone ever figures out how to work a gun

Brendan

I dunno, Jer, Dragonard seems pretty immobilized. Maybe just do your thing while he watches helpless.

gellaho

Bel choose the Dragonards

FancyShark

YES

Brendan

Classic space adventurer.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

FUCK YES

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Bel "Talltits Brotherstabber" Lynx.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

All it takes is some half-bared heaving breasts and Dragonard's back in the game

Brendan

hahaha she committed fratricide and her breasts return as mood rings.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Yeaaaah its going Conan now.

LyraV

Like streams of rain a thing that is not hair like or red.

FancyShark

Thrusting and heaving, like hounds pulling at their chains

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Full Conan, Bel is going to screech "TAKE ME AND CRUSH ME WITH YOUR LOVE!" and they'll fuck.

Brendan

Imagine betraying your own sense of self and history's like, "Man, her tits could not HANDLE this."

gellaho

He's fine though

LyraV

Her breasts were like Cerberus guarding the river Styx.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Don't worry, it only hit muscle, I don't need that

Brendan

Don't even show me your boobs if they're not thrusting and heaving, ladies.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Bel you suck, you stabbed him in the back and failed to kill him.

Brendan

I'm spoiled by modern living.

gellaho

Seems like Bel might have immediately regretted that decision

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

You didnt stab enough, go back and finish the job.

gellaho

Or she's into it

Unclear

FancyShark

NOOOO! NOT THE BEAUTIFUL INTESTINES!

gellaho

A grand success!

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Hahahaha what a shitty fortress, he blew up ONE door and the whole thing caved in?

Brendan

My brother and I saw you and your narc-girlfriend from across the space-bar...

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

I changed my mind, he was right to blow it up.

Brendan

we were thinking you'd be into a little role-stabbing?

gellaho

Med dust

FancyShark

Eight thousand men went in. Twenty eight came out.

Brendan

BUT ONLY FIVE WORE THE GREEN BERET

FancyShark

Which means only one thing: I get top bunk whenever I want

gellaho

Some ye olde at the end here

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

If nothing else I'm glad they're finally getting beyond Thunderdome

LyraV

I'm sure Dragonard will be great at blending in

GDC

sounds like a real hive of scum and villany

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Great plan, not vague at all.

gellaho

(I still don't believe you about Kristin)

FancyShark

No one moved because they are crippled, malnourished and wondering where their friends are

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Um......I think they passed the point of no return quite a while ago, Bel. Like maybe at least one.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

She found the cloth somewhere. Don't worry about it.

gellaho

"We have much, much less than we did! Huzzah!"

FancyShark

"Giddyap"

Brendan

brisket's served. Enjoy your space cop western barbarian quest

BEL CAN DO BETTER

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Except........no? Everyone already knew this was possible, just lost technology, that you made lost again because you blew it up.

FancyShark

Take care, @Brendan !

gellaho

Very romantic

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

^o^/ Enjoy your delicious meats @Brendan

LyraV

Later on @Brendan

gellaho

I mean, it's over

FancyShark

Dragonard immediately starts getting catty about Bel's threads

gellaho

Well, now it's over

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Dragonard, you knew that space cop waitress stripper for like two days? Get over it. geez, you have a new brain and everything.

FancyShark

The Ache for Kristin is a nasally punk song from the 90s

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Also way to pull the new brain ladder up after yourself my guy.

FancyShark

Max "Fuck You, Got Mine" Dragonard

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Fountains of Wayne's much less popular sequel song to Stacy's Mom.

gellaho

We have defeated When the Star Kings Die

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Man, for a prison break/prison break/suicide bombing book, kind of a heel-dragger

LyraV

Yeah but the Nard can't be satisfied with an amazing warrior who loves him he must always long for something more to be a true man. I guess?

FancyShark

We did it!

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

We dun did it!

He never even fought the giant Floormaster, what the fuck

LyraV

I will never forget about Dragonard.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

This book kinda ruled too, I kinda hope we see more of Jakes.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Please make him the new Steele

gellaho

So concludes the 89th edition of The Book Cage

FancyShark

It does show lights coming from the fingers though. So I think it's supposed to be Tingo

LyraV

Excellent addition to the Book Cage @gellaho

FancyShark

Thank you, @gellaho !

LyraV

Thank you so much

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Holy shit I think you're right

FancyShark

Great quipping, everyone!

GDC

Thanks everyone, this was a good one.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Thanks again, @gellaho !

GDC

Thank you for powering through the baffling prose of Jakes

gellaho

May all your spellhands be tingoed

Brendan

I just don't grok why they couldn't maintain the embargo against the star kings, destroy the stock, and preserve the tech.

Brendan

found a typo. She jockeyed her BREAST up alongside his.

high and tight, like his cop's haircut.