89: When the Star Kings Die John Jakes

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

synthetic, like diamonds and crystals

FancyShark

The creatives worked on the design but not the name

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

This flag fucking rules. The name needs a rethink

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Hahahah this is a full on 40k banner.

Brendan

It's a red rag, but detailed enough to show transparent colors

Sketches in the vidfiles

gellaho

Well, this doesn't seem suspicious

GDC

Too bad they can't take pictures of it in the future.

FancyShark

"You're being weirdly poetic about the thing you didn't bother having someone just draw."

Brendan

This heart flag is why they're called the Heart Flag movement.

I love that this author is smart enough to imagine things but clumsy enough to only imagine dumb people.

FancyShark

Whoa whoa whoa. Slow down, Harvard. What the hell's a flag?

gellaho

Yes, I wonder what that could possibly mean

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

The sci fi author's curse

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Drawing is lost knowledge, there hasnt been a drawist for 400 years.

Brendan

Okay, picture a rag...

But like RED

FancyShark

gellaho

Bring me the calltube

Brendan

This guy is Deep Space Garth Mahrenghi

FancyShark

holy crap, he is

Brendan

HE'S A WOLF

WE GET IT HE'S SAD LOBO

GDC

These guys have tubes for everything

gellaho

Time for the rage filled giant to do some spy work

GDC

I miss when we thought the future would be tube-based.

Brendan

"I would never emolden you, Max," said a very drunk Sectioner Valk.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Jakers needed to lay off the Conan the Barbarian.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Oh goody I love Batman

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

He chuckled wolfish, giggled lionish, guffawed dragonish, and tittered phoenixish

Brendan

In the grim future there is only pneumatic pressure

FancyShark

Does he have any distinguishing marks? How about other?

gellaho

"It took all of our best men to come up with this single earring disguise"

Brendan

Goddamn, this guy writes like he's afraid verbs will bite him.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Rimmini

Not to be confused with Jimmini, planet of negs and narcs

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Verb envenomation is a real and serious issue.

Brendan

I DON'T CARE THAT RIMMINI WAS THE LARGEST PLANET

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

A green jeweled earring means you're a bottom

Brendan

That is extraneous, you dork

gellaho

Cunardo

GDC

Cunardo sounds like an Austrailian slur.

Brendan

The earring of Dragonard was, unto his ear, by means of a hook, enfixed.

FancyShark

Cunardo of Xanthors, Lord of the Adenoid Empire

Brendan

GET AN EDITOR

This fucking guy

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

edit it with fire

Brendan

On the personal side, congratulations on 72 incredible years with your wife.

FancyShark

She doesn't care for him

LyraV

Oh he fired that guy after he made cuts in the commas and complained about the alliteration.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

When Cunardo introduces himself, he waggles his eyebrows when he says "Cunardoooooo" and adds "Ladies." in a suggestive tone. Nobody understands what he means.

gellaho

I don't want a single word of this to be touched

It is beautiful

Like his fancy cape

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

she married, which is the earth term for a legal union of monogamy, the custom by which two swear sexual fidelity to each other, for his money

FancyShark

I'm checking if sardonic means what I think it does. If it does, I'm coming back with an axe

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Space but people still use the nerd sword.

gellaho

Um, excuse me, I am a confidence artiste

FancyShark

It does. Where's my axe?

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Sorry to any rapier fans in the chat but the rapier is the nerd sword.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

"Pentagon wrote no extradition treaties"

Cutting social commentary, sire

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

(They're all nerd swords)

Brendan

Inside you are two wolves. One is sad. The other would fuck you if he weren't you.

gellaho

The swagger of a stooping giant as he watches space craps

FancyShark

Empty seabeds are called "valleys", you hack

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

You really get me, Brendan

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

YEah but only the rapier is a sword FOR nerds.

Brendan

We wouldn't need these archaic institutions if women were paid the same as men.

Women's sexuality is regulated to maintain the boundaries of men's fiscal advantage. And vice versa.

FancyShark

Jitterdice started as a mean prank on people with Parkinson's, but it's quite popular now

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

The space glass ceiling is so weird, but we can't have the lady Glorbaxians making all the Freedom Credits.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

The free molecules in the last three dice came to rest

That's the stupidest sounding clause of all time, and I'm counting Tim Allen as Santa.

gellaho

I can't say that is the number I'd expect after "achingly young," but good on you Jakes

gellaho

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Any younger and Tingo would be after her

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

"Our dice generate randomness on the atomic level! If you roll more than three, theres a 1 in 100 chance the universe will end instantly and instantly be recreated in its exact current state."

Brendan

He's Santa but only for coke snitches

FancyShark

Ever seen someone so mid-twenties it was painful?

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Her breasts were so high they were on her shoulderz

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

YEs.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Why yes I do own a mirror

Brendan

Ten thousand years in the future, hundreds of races, but buddy...there's nothing in this universe like a blonde.

jakesy, weightroom hazard

High breasted even in her 20s, bravo to Jakes for not thinking anyone over 18 is washed up

gellaho

She only works in pairs of adjectives

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Her legs went all the way to the top of her legs.

Dark Screams of Ramb$ne Gracie

because she's a battlemech

those are LRM20s

FancyShark

This author's real fetish is punctuation.

jakesy, weightroom hazard

I got a fiver on a "m'lady" coming up

Brendan

28 was probably my best year, but 25 was really the intersection of CAN DO and KNOW HOW.

FancyShark

It's got an apostrophe. It's a lock.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

My mid twenties sucked

jakesy, weightroom hazard

Hard agree, 27 was my worst year but 28 was my best

Brendan

They have longevity tech. She's basically 16. Warrant wrote four songs about her.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

But so did all the years before those so it's a wash

gellaho

And I've always kicked ass

Clerk courier

FancyShark

"As you are aware"

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

That's funny, so far 25 has been the year of DON'T KNOW and DON'T CARE for me. I must have built different a few level ups back

Brendan

He can't say breasts properly, she can't pronounce Dragonard smoothly. They were made for each other.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Average clerk courier

FancyShark

They married and gave birth to Todd from Birdemic

gellaho

She is not a Conan fan

Brendan

It's a different aeon for you. Our Starking was cool and inspiring.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Kristin still hasn't gone out of style by then, huh

jakesy, weightroom hazard

Kristin eh

FancyShark

In the far flung future, there is...Kristin

gellaho

Hawke carrying over a week

Brendan

Oh shit this sci-fi novel is now a fantasy western

jakesy, weightroom hazard

Lip time baby

Brendan

after being a prison break film

Brendan

I didn't get a Kristin till I was 29 (Star years: 13)

GDC

"no, i said my name was max, not frank"

Brendan

They have interstellar travel but nobody can mix clay and plant pigments into makeup, got it.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

It's called a Kristening and its a sacred space ceremony.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

You just know the tech nerds who have never taken a single humanities class outlawed that shit in like the second millennia

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Fun Kristin fact, I knew a Kristin in 2nd grade. She spit in my hair once.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

"I'm not Frank," he said adverbedly, "I'm Maximillion Dragonard."

"Good one," a sound not unlike vociferohs laughter poured from her mouth, "But seriously what's your name?"

Brendan

Ho ho, buddy! It was profane as anything.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

I only know Kristens and Kirstens.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

One space persons sacred is anothers star orgy or whatever.

Brendan

"Actually, my dear lady, by wearing makeup it was YOU who attempted to deceive ME, so pretending I was rich was TURNABOUT, aka FAIR PLAY."

FancyShark

"Her lips were painted in that style that was very popular among a small group of rich women and somehow known to Max"

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

How long was he in space jail again?

gellaho

Dragonard suspects she may be a recruiter for the Heart Flag, so he uses his patented doodling technique

gellaho

gellaho

2 years

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Weskit

FancyShark

Art Cop: Turn A Little To The Left, Dirtbag

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

"Hey whats that thing you're doing with that stylus? Draw-ring? whats that?!"

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

H-harry Dubois?

gellaho

Give it a whorl

FancyShark

Wait

gellaho

Dudes love a shiny thigh

Brendan

738 days, which is relative, therefore MEANINGLESS. Also everyone lives forever.

FancyShark

Did he write that space whale book at her?

Brendan

You don't?

jakesy, weightroom hazard

Depends on why it's shiny

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Wait his cover name is Frank Hastings?

gellaho

Wipeout, indeed

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

That's way too normal for the future!

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

polishing my thighs for acraxy night out

Brendan

Nothing sulks like a cockblocked bro.

jakesy, weightroom hazard

Hahaha punching holes in drywall: never gets old!

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Ghosted by a Kristin, Dragonard is living the full trailer park life.

FancyShark

Dragonard was puzzled. What the hell was a "wish"?

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Lmao she stood him up and he's like "how?? Could this be?!"

LyraV

I had to jump out and make food, how much of the Nard did I miss?

gellaho

Space craps with Karl

FancyShark

Mostly shiny thighs and punctuation

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Robert Smith

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Right? Women love berserkers who remind them of apex predators. So weird.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

disarranging the dice molecules JUST FUCKING ROLL THEM

FancyShark

Time out. Everyone swap cover names with real ones.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

"Disarranging the dice molecules" is a cutesy thing a procgen game would tell me during world generation.

gellaho

I can't believe Karl would do that

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Hahaha fucking atomic level dice loading

Dark Screams of Ramb$ne Gracie

so they're playing Boggle, right?

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

"TIME CHEAT!" Dragonard bellowed ear-hurtingly."

gellaho

Science checks out

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Chronometer? He has a watch dangling around his neck? Lik he's flavor flav?

jakesy, weightroom hazard

Casinos famously know nothing of cheating methods

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Now blast that cheater. Blast him deep in his ass.

jakesy, weightroom hazard

Hot Karl about to get fart gassed

FancyShark

Silver wafers, something everyone can relate to

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

blast him raw over the baizeee

Brendan

Robert Smith's poker face is just endless crying.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Remember it sparkled like a silver wafer. Very important degree of separation

gellaho

You know, the familiar feeling of hot flowers

jakesy, weightroom hazard

P-p-p poker face

FancyShark

Dammit, Brendan. I almost spat my drink

Brendan

I understand it worse after the contextual exposition.

gellaho

Flav's a big fan of John Jakes

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Hot flowers come from the same planet as hot hail

Brendan

Like chronometer, okay, some kind of time dilation relativity thing.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Hot flowers is just a space name for strip hanafuda.

jakesy, weightroom hazard

Karl strong. Karl get hit. But it hurt. Karl falls down

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

A hot flower

FancyShark

Karl heave

Brendan

auxilliary control field whaaaa

gellaho

Done fucked up, Karl

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

It's a control field and it's auxiliary.

It reversed the polarity of the neutron flow.

The redness dominated him, is the thing

Brendan

Sounds like Golly's spine got it worse.

"The name's Gee. Golly Gee."

GDC

This was 1967 so he wrote this by picking words at random from star trek scripts

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Holy shit he got so mad he fucking whitewashed Karl

Brendan

Although Kristin's spine got it worst of all AMIRITE FELLAS???

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Hahahah suck it, Karl. Taste Dargonards warp spasm. Gonna go Cu Chulainn on your ass.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

You can't go berserk with a rapier, it's like trying to eat steak with a salad fork

gellaho

That murder rage hangover

FancyShark

Slashing, that thing rapiers are meant for

Brendan

Sirens are ear hurting, but screams are ear-dinning in a pleasant way, got it.

GDC

I'm going to go ahead and stay this guy should probably be institutionalized.

jakesy, weightroom hazard

Pretty sure Dragongard just jizzed his pants

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Dragonard is ROCK. HARD.

Brendan

Holy shit, this author is Milton from Office Space.

Brendan

Just fantasies of rage.

gellaho

Well, as long as you fix our chairs. Nobody cares about Karl

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Fiercely Dragonard stared!!!

And then meekly offered to pay for the damages.

Dark Screams of Ramb$ne Gracie

lost his head, all right

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

"No sireee. No berserker fury for this Dragonard, I mean Frank."

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

If his named was Fiercely Dragonard, it would be no more stupid

FancyShark

This guy is Beta Kratos

jakesy, weightroom hazard

"Check please!" Wakka wakka

Dark Screams of Ramb$ne Gracie

no that's a video game

Brendan

How many Dragonards can I get for two space wolves?

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Betos

gellaho

DAMN YOU RAGE!

Brendan

A million?? Is that the max?

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Fiercely Dragonard of the Neo England Dragonards?

Dark Screams of Ramb$ne Gracie

i think it's about tops, ask chloe

jakesy, weightroom hazard

Hahahaha

"I'M SO PISSED OFF THAT I LOST MY TEMPER EARLIER "

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Pffft this guy is such a whiner

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Get this man some Prozac, god damn

Mordred's Tauntaun Froze

"I just lost control, baby"

Brendan

Well I'll say this. He wrote this character before Wolverine's first appearance

gellaho

Fuck yeah, Jakes

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

I know people with way more severe mental disorders and we're all pretty chill about them

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Hmm

Brendan

Hahaha, fuck you, ladies, with your fucking feelings.

GDC

My guy you don't need lostech medical techniques you just need therapy.

Brendan

Don't you wish you could bite your own tongue and rock back and forth like a MAN CAN?

FancyShark

"For example, if he'd been a raccoon, he'd have cried his eyes out"

Dark Screams of Ramb$ne Gracie

it's the most lost tech of all

Mordred's Tauntaun Froze

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

The best way to deal with berzerker fury is to do brain surgery, and rewire the anger impulse so that anger makes the berserker nut and fall asleep. Three minutes and the entire time they are writhing on the floor, all you need is a mop.

gellaho

Feelings are for the weak

Oh, boy, that's embarrassing

Brendan

The uncontrollable rage at all other men, the anger that a woman might feign interest in you to get away then be uncontactable, the absolute control over any loose emotions...this is what it is to be a hero.

Just a diary of this guy's week.

jakesy, weightroom hazard

Evergreen

FancyShark

Unmedicated Incel: The Novel

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

"Gilt foam" is. Not the aesthetic you want here, Jakes

jakesy, weightroom hazard

Yes I have my copy of Steele right next to my desk

gellaho

Why wouldn't you

jakesy, weightroom hazard

Yes I know where to find that quote

Do you think Book Cage is a game to me

Mordred's Tauntaun Froze

Gilt foam?

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

"Gilt foam" means piss, Jakes. You're metaphoring about piss.

Brendan

Cyborg is a man plus a computer. Neither of those things can cry.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Id assume you had your favorite passages highlighted.

gellaho

The chilly sheds are a metaphor

Brendan

I, too, am in arm's reach of a copy of Steele.

Mordred's Tauntaun Froze

Good on ya, girl, RUN

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Mm

FancyShark

Let's go to the Chili Shed after this

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

No crying men. This book is no catering to my interests.

jakesy, weightroom hazard

All the great ones are

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Good idea, Dragonard gets so into breath play he can't hear the safe word and he does NOT refrain from compressing the windpipe.

Brendan

She might be a sex object but he's writing her from the top of her intelligence.

gellaho

Their primitive fuck bracelets

Mordred's Tauntaun Froze

I'm such a square that every time I see "breath play" I assume it's just sensually blowing on different body parts. 😅

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Maxmillion "David Carradine" Dragonard

Mordred's Tauntaun Froze

Like blowing in someone's ear or the nape of their neck.

FancyShark

Ankle hygiene is a sore spot with this planet

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Like the Borg Queen did to Data in First Contact, I getcha

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Broad-swords? Like a couple of lady barbarians?

FancyShark

heyooo!

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Get an axe you pussy

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Leather harness, dick out. Just as a space barbarian should be.

gellaho

That is a lot of words to not really tell me what this looks like

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Oh, it's a duneback.

FancyShark

Behold the mighty turtle

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

He just stole a duneback from Star Wars.

Brendan

Just some Neanderthal bros, enjoying a space casino bachelor party.