89: When the Star Kings Die John Jakes

Mordred's Tauntaun Froze

I mean like making dinner and eating it and then doing dishes.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Just immediately bus pushed his benefactor. What a hero

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Eating dinner IS fun tho.

gellaho

Send out the Questro Blue assassinators

FancyShark

Passion in his voice to deliver something that could have been an email

gellaho

please, photofax

FancyShark

Ah, my mistake

LyraV

The placements of all these periods and commas is genuinely making me bananas

I just want to edit it SO BAD

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Assassinators

WE ALREADY HAVE A WORD FOR THAT, JAKES

FancyShark

I hope Jakes lived long enough to read Cormac McCarthy and lose his shit

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Do police assassinators wear red boots?

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Yeah! Assassinatrices.

gellaho

Killing via talk wand

FancyShark

A TALK WAND IS A MICROPHONE

Mordred's Tauntaun Froze

Oh yeah, that part is.

gellaho

And he's already used it, so I guess assassinators are something else?

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

YEah Mishubi likes to watch.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

All rich people do, it's a whole thing

FancyShark

"A wheezing, a thrumming." summarizes this book far too efficiently

gellaho

Assassin zombies?

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Fuck. Yes.

GDC

'as in a dolly shot' clarifies things for the film nerd readers.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

vegetable brains are used to kill only the most untouchable criminals

LyraV

there's no way they didn't try and push this as a screenplay

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Fuck yeah, Vindicare? Culexus? Ooooh ooooh, maybe Eversor?

gellaho

Just now smelling conspiracy

LyraV

drunkenly at a bar in LA

FancyShark

PICK

AN

ADJECTIVE

gellaho

Greenlit. Half a billion dollars

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

To be fair, Dragonard isn't really a detective. Just a habitual murderer who got sprung from the pokey by the guy who should have sent a detective for this shit.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

"biting" hands?

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

WELCOME

IN

OMICRON

gellaho

Doesn't seem like something a king would do

FancyShark

Doesn't seem like something a sword should do, either

Unless arteries are healed by a good massage

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

It's a healing shiv

GDC

Oh no, the space oligarchs are corrupt. Who could have guessed.

gellaho

What a mystery

FancyShark

Just shoot him

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Well he's a berserker not some kind of findologist.

gellaho

St. Anne has a hissy fit

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Dragonard has bought more than one timeshare, hasn't he?

gellaho

Apparently guns are only allowed in prison

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

I shed a tear for the death of beloved Jonas

gellaho

And in that casino

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Just like playing Fallout 3

LyraV

along with a warranty on everything he owns

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Dragonard probably passes out thinking "But jet fuel can't melt steel beams?!"

FancyShark

Dragonard has multiple car warranties

gellaho

YOUR HOTNESS ENRAGES ME

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Powertrain AND regular.

gellaho

Remember when he had rage powers?

Me neither

Because he's just been regularly beaten since he got to this planet

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Honestly I can't think of anyone who deserves it more

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

"HELLO BOSTON! WE ARE DRAGONARD AND THIS IS: SEX BERSERKER!"

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

God damn women, being attractive

FancyShark

[glockenspiel intensifies]

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

sorry guys what were we reading again? I got distracted. By god damn women.

gellaho

Ah, so that's what the light wand is for

gellaho

LyraV

Sorry I've been sitting here trying to think what 'glowing with pearly radiance' means or would actually entail

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Dragonard fucking wishes she'd depth probe him already.

Wait, his eyes are long?

How the fuck

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Oh!

FancyShark

I think it means something swampy

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

I guess Dragonard wears green boots

GDC

'long eyes' is absolutely a slur, right?

gellaho

Her breasts did what now

LyraV

I thought maybe she just had a necklace of actually glowing space pearls.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

"This position is called "The lightning bug."

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

It means you're nearsighted

GDC

Kristin has Mood Boobs.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Kristin and her incredible antigrav boobs.

FancyShark

Breasts are like groundhogs. They only emerge when they think it's safe.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

"Her chest heaved in relief" is how a saner person might have phrased this

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Kristin Spellboobs.

LyraV

they lift out sometimes when Kristin is happy

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Jakes has just enough of a grasp on the English language to form sentences but nowhere near enough to form imagery

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

She's like one of those frogs that inflate themselves, making herself seem larger to impress mates and deter berserkers.

gellaho

Dragonard decides it's a good idea to believe this woman again

FancyShark

So a thoughtfult will kill him

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Women. You can't trust them!

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Heat. and aching.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

If this is what her son is like Ma Dragonard must truly be a force to be reckoned with

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

If you experience internal heat and aching for more than 2 hours, consult a space physician.

gellaho

Probably shouldn't after they gas you and imprison you

Mordred's Tauntaun Froze

I'm imagining titties peeking from a tunic like curious critters.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Brother don't i know it!

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Wym, this is just the start of a fun Friday night

gellaho

Dragonard shouldn't give the eulogy

Brendan

Dollies are extant, microphones extinct.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Ask your star doctor if Dragonard is right for you. Side effects include wolfishism, berserker fury, and green boots.

gellaho

So many alternatives in this empty cell

GDC

Jonas Valk invented the Volio vaccine.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

By alternatives he means his body.

FancyShark

You mean there were alternate alternatives, Jakes?

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

They're like unknown unknowns

gellaho

10/10 page break

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Masterful storycrafting

LyraV

Dragonard is always exhilarated when people sob and run away from him.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

The Sign of the Starcel!

FancyShark

"Thank god that conversation is over"

Mordred's Tauntaun Froze

Don't run from Dragonard, it'll trigger his hunting instinct.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Making women cry makes Dragonard hot and aching inside.

Mordred's Tauntaun Froze

Make yourself as big as possible and roar as loudly as you can.

Brendan

Glowing with radiance in plain Gray drill uniform

Mordred's Tauntaun Froze

He almost smiled. But he was a man.

gellaho

Dragonard is put in a cell with other prisoners. Which sleepy inmate is out to kill him?

gellaho

FancyShark

GRAY?! He HATES gray!

gellaho

Sounds like something an assassin would say

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

A cell full of identical men!

Each one more identical than the last!

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

I love that this is the start of a trilogy.

FancyShark

"Wake up. You're shaking. Are you okay? Wake up."

gellaho

The vulpine boy-man

Brendan

Listen, when you're in prison you definitely don't want to be a shorteyes

gellaho

Head-string

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Ohhh hooooo it got even swampier all of a sudden. More "alternatives" to explore.

FancyShark

He found a bard

Mordred's Tauntaun Froze

Mocking as his expression? Or his face?

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Farsighted

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Gannonblock, located in Gannondorf.

gellaho

Elegant stinks

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

They dress terrible in gammonblock

GDC

Gannonblock is how Nintendo programmers described certain memory addresses in the first Zelda games.

Mordred's Tauntaun Froze

FFS stop blindly using the thesaurus, there's such a thing as connotation.

LyraV

I'm always purposely inane, it keeps people on their toes.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

More like fashionblock anirite

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

"Elegant stinks" sounds like a Pornhub tag for when you want to watch a person in fancy dress fart into a cake.

Brendan

Lady, you had ONE DRINK.

gellaho

No it is not

gellaho

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Hahahahah yes it is.

GDC

That's a less believable name than Max Dragonard.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

It's a better alias than Robert Smith

Mordred's Tauntaun Froze

Not Jeremy Fox?

That vulpine face, wasted.

Brendan

What kind of barbaric prison conditions don't even have a pneumatic poop tube next to a gravity-fed food tube??

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

This is the setup to a furry slash fic.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Escape from Book-Butcher Bay!

Brendan

My my...it seems the wolf...has found a FOX sidekick?

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Max Dragonard the burly top sex berserker and Jeremy Lynx the one eyed twink fox.

FancyShark

I like when characters instantly like each other. It's much easier than that messy "character development" bullshit.

gellaho

Jeremy's first fight does not go well

gellaho

FancyShark

Of course he couldn't get it off

Brendan

Jeremy Lynx the Fox-Boy, meet Maxmillion Dragonard, the Wolfman

gellaho

Fat finger attack!

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Enter: Butterbean!

The Assassinator!!

Brendan

I dunno, you and I hit it off right away. Then you had to ruin it by letting me see your unpleasantly ursine smile.

gellaho

Got a little peckish

FancyShark

Excuse me. I have a collage to disassemble.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

I'm not into bears either, Brendan

gellaho

Hit him in the fat!

Mordred's Tauntaun Froze

"the suet face split open" 🤮

Brendan

had a whole image of a carcharian face, and you had to go be Maxfancifus Bearmannion

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

He's so fat he sweats from happiness

People didn't understand obesity before corn syrup subsidies

Brendan

I CANNOT with this prose.

gellaho

Fat guy going to town on his dragonards

Mordred's Tauntaun Froze

"sweatingly happy?" 😣

Why wasn't I alive in the era of this pulp bullshit? I'd make a killing being merely competent.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Hahaha this fat guy is giving the space barbarian a run for his money.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Hahaha Butterbean is fucking this dude up!!

Yes!! Fuck yes!!

gellaho

Smashed

It

Down

Brendan

Why is every single sentence two degrees removed from its own content??

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

A hero falls 😔

Brendan

Honest to Christ, we'd get rich just getting the rust off every morning then spend the afternoon writing the real stuff.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Hahaha remember when people thought being really super duper angry to the point of literal blindness was a great way to win a fight?

gellaho

Couple more

FancyShark

You mean pink?

Mordred's Tauntaun Froze

That's pink, homes.

FancyShark

Jakes?

GDC

Those are great metal lyrics.

FancyShark

That's pink. Jakes. It's pink. It's pink, Jakes. Pink. It's pink.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

"HELLO BOSTON! ITS US AGAIN! DRAGONARD! WITH OUR NEW HIT SINGLE, WHITE CRIMSON!"

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Pink isn't nearly manly enough

Brendan

In the antechaaaaamber to the coooouuurt of the white-criiiimson STAR KIIIIIING

gellaho

Thanks for turning that guy into hamburger

FancyShark

[jug intensifies]

Brendan

This terrible book shot the moon and rules now.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

I told you it ruled!

Mordred's Tauntaun Froze

Fuck your faster fingers ✊

Brendan

Send in the Rex Morans.

There should be Rex Morans.

Those soulful

gellaho

Probably because he was sitting on his spine

Brendan

DOLEFUL

GDC

I'm just waiting until spellhands shows up again

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

It starts out at peak stupid and keeps going!

Brendan

Schmaltz by the BOWLFUL

FancyShark

BY THE BOWLFUL

Brendan

MORAAAAAANS

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Hahaha that fucking last sentence

Mordred's Tauntaun Froze

The base of his spine, that's the butt

LyraV

Dragonard knew Deep Panic, no relation to Deep Throat

gellaho

The cashiered policeman

Brendan

What kind of dork describes sitting against a wall like this.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

W h a t

What the fuck is a cashiered policeman??

LyraV

the kind who uses the name Dragonard roughly 10,000 times per sentence

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

What planet are you from, Jakes?

gellaho

Deep, man

Brendan

Dragonard's only emotionally vulnerable while he sleeps.

He'll sing like a canary then.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Jordan Peterson. That's what it is. If Jordan Peterson wrote fiction, this is how meandering it would be, taking ten times as many words as necessary.

Mordred's Tauntaun Froze

Gah, have to bathe and bedtime the child, have fun. You all type faster than me anyway 😝

Brendan

They don't need to torture him, just have Lynx whisper in his ear.

Brendan

Il Mitsubishi, that's the evil uncle right there.

Spellhands are all our dragons.

But also sometimes our wizards.

gellaho

You guys desperately need other points of reference

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

So are they going to prison fuck or what?

Brendan

Sometimes the hero is his own dragon

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Plus, women

Mordred's Tauntaun Froze

Breathplay.

According to me.

Brendan

You might, ah, wash dishes for a year and write at night about a Dragon-Hero named Dragonov, as all the Russian greats, that whole thing from before the Communists.

FancyShark

Feel like a gamble, fight like a Dragonard

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Jordan Peterson could never come up with the flash of brilliance that a combination of syllables like Maxmillion Dragonard requires

gellaho

A clever screen or is he just a pussy

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

He can't even cook a good steak, he might as well be dead.

FancyShark

Tactical submission

Brendan

Jordan Peterson's self-insert is just Jordan Peterson but explicitly sounding like Sam the Eagle instead of Kermit.

EXCUSE ME: Konstantin

gellaho

Brendan

I cowered before my cruel captors for two decades and they BOUGHT IT!

gellaho

Death by depth probe

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Working at Cracked can't have been that bad

FancyShark

Heh heh. Gottem right where I want em

LyraV

Dragonard knew what Dragonard could never know...the true Dragonard was within.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

If it's accidental then it probably wasn't a fraud?

FancyShark

Quest for the Dragonard was the prelude to WMAC Masters

gellaho

Kristin comes to visit, so this might as well happen

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

We have sarcastic quote marks for exactly this situation Jakes

FancyShark

Kristin has an emotional breakdown every time she talks to someone. It's why she's a great waitress.

gellaho

Here comes Jeremy creepin

Brendan

How did this lady rise to the top of the secret police? She gets emotional picking a floor in the elevator.

"oh, but if only I could dare push 17! But then I'd never get to 23!"

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Ok no wait.

Is Jeremy going to somehow turn out to be Tingo?

I have fucking nothing to back this up, this is just an insane call. But oh my god, what if

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Tingo Normalhands.

Brendan

Jeremy Smellfingers

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Actual belly laugh

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Tingmy Twinkbottom.

LyraV

Jergo Handspells

gellaho

It's about time someone does

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Hahahaha I googled the author out of curiosity, guess what else he wrote?

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Fuck yeah.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Holy shit that's too many Barbarian books

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Or is it?

gellaho

And as John Jakes promises to get back to the plot

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Dragonnod narded.

gellaho

We've reached the halfway point. So, come back next week were we'll figure out what Jeremy Lynx's deal is

FancyShark

We've halfway done it!

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Hahahah yeah this is excellent.

FancyShark

This book is a blast

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Fuck yes, it's a two-parter

gellaho

You missed the most important thing

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

It's so gloriously stupid

YES

YESSSSSS

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Oh no I noted earlier this was a trilogy.

Brendan

Holy shit, that was HALF?

LyraV

OH halfway through the Nard

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Its fucking great.

gellaho