89: When the Star Kings Die John Jakes

gellaho

Reminder to keep your tubes straight

FancyShark

Our hero bravely looks for children in prison

Brendan

See? Andor.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Just put the waste tube up your butt when you have to go. Or put your dick in it. We aren't looking. Promise.

GDC

I wish I had a food service tube.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

the food and sewer system isn't a big truck

Brendan

If I hook the food tube up to the waste tube...

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Don't spoil my dinner plans

FancyShark

Total protonic reversal

GDC

That's just The Human Centipede.

gellaho

Please remember to dispose of your radioactive planetary war litter responsibly

gellaho

FancyShark

Ten centuries when you could have used "millenia"? You sicken me, writer

jakesy, weightroom hazard

This guys writing is awful and grating

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

sometimes i think i could never write professionally. Sometimes i read prose like this, and I realize that burning books is actually a great idea.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Real authors would have said it was an aeon ago.

jakesy, weightroom hazard

Never have I been more confident that my shitty Steele novel will be ok

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

The planet wars weren't important enough to merit a capital letter

gellaho

Obviously, the time scrambler scrambles molecules

gellaho

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Clearly, the time molecules

Time naturally being made of molecules

FancyShark

What is a molecule but time standing still? ...maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan?

LyraV

See without John Barrowman this just isn't doing it.

jakesy, weightroom hazard

The time molecules are there. In the device. The device has a button. I pressed the button.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Well you need to distinguish it from a quantum time scrambler, after all.

Brendan

I love how many sci-fi/fantasy books never stop world-building when "The warden didn't give a shit about his well-being" would do.

Brendan

tachyons babbbyyyy

gellaho

gellaho

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

You can tell that dragonard is a self insert because he, like the author, has untreatable mental defects

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

"Which fitted"

Irredeemable

FancyShark

Poke your way to freedom, noble Dragonard

gellaho

DAMN YOU, PANTS!

GDC

this is why you always steal the pants, too

FancyShark

In the future, every nervous system reacts to shock the same way

gellaho

This seems like a bad thing to keep in the prison library

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Theres only one reason to notice someones pants. You were scoping out their dick zone.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

"WHERE IS YOUR POWER ARMOR, RECRUIT"

"At last! Spellhands had approached!" is how you relate the tale of your escort coming towards your Pontiac Aztek

Dark Screams of Ramb$ne Gracie

the lower half of the power armor is called the Power Bottoms

FancyShark

Literally all they have to do is make one additional line somewhere on the blueprints to screw up any escape attempt

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

I feel like if I ran the propaganda ministry, my the first item on my agenda would be rebranding it

LyraV

You're going to have a hard time believing this but I'm having trouble taking Tingo Spellhands seriously.

gellaho

Randomly clawing at the controls is a real double-edged technique

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

It works great in Doom

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

In tabletop roleplaying we call this "failing forward"

gellaho

"Let me just get this fart gun real quick..."

FancyShark

"Remember: If a prisoner kills you, flail like a windsock. The security system will do the rest."

Brendan

Ear-hurting sirens

EAR-HURTING

GDC

This guy is full of malapropisms.

gellaho

Bravely fighting the farts

Brendan

Flexmillion Morangaron

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Guards and their ear-hurting sirens and bone-hurting clubs.

FancyShark

I hope they make it past the Leave-Preventing bars

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Hahaha this book fucking rules. It doesn't give a single shit

gellaho

1967 was a wild time

Brendan

Whole lot of murder to acquire CR-2032s

Dark Screams of Ramb$ne Gracie

did a fart gun melt a steal beam just there?

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

He went into the up tube. They'll never catch him

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Checkmate, government!

Brendan

He's sounding this prison.

gellaho

"You have served me well, farty"

FancyShark

Guards spend off hours getting hammered on fart gun

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Fart guns, but what do the blasters fire?

It's jizz.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

He let them have the next fart blast FULL FORCE

gellaho

There's a whole lot of Spellhandses in there

FancyShark

The prison ranks inmates on a likeability scale

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

SUMMON MY MULTIPLICITY, shrieks Tingo over the ear-hurting sirens

GDC

sucks for spellhands 1-14.

gellaho

SPELLHANDS!!!

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Should have watched your eys, dick

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

A spang of closing metal

jakesy, weightroom hazard

He flung his forearm across his nose for a shield

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Tingo isnt a quarter as popular as Drongus Magicboobs

GDC

how can someone watch their own eyes?

FancyShark

He's firing at your eyes! Protect your nose!

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Carefully

gellaho

EAT LIGHT, DICKHEADS

gellaho

jakesy, weightroom hazard

There's no way this author is a native English speaker

FancyShark

This is a zen koan, I think

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

For his neutral special, Tingo gives his opponents epileptic seizures

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Hahaha taste laser fingers. TINGOOOOOOOOOOO!

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

okay @LyraV was right, Tingo is here to RAVE

Dark Screams of Ramb$ne Gracie

what does a rock that has never seen light look like?

GDC

Spellhands is basically Space Jubilee.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

But what he is is fucking awesome

jakesy, weightroom hazard

You know who else wasn't a native English speaker?

Simon muthafuckin Hawke

Brendan

Spellhands? EDWARD Spellhands? Holy shit, I thought you moved to Tucson!

gellaho

He's still alive, I should probably go visit him

jakesy, weightroom hazard

Jakes eh?

Brendan

Hey, where are there Terrans if FIRST WORLD is back in I GALAXY

jakesy, weightroom hazard

Wait did I write this!

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

I'm changing my name

Brendan

You should. I sat out the pandemic hoping to interview a golden age artist down the road, then she died before I tried.

gellaho

If the farts don't get you, the laser light show will

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

"Florida Literary Legend" sounds kind of underselling the mind that brought us DRAGONARD!

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

There's just kind of an ambient diaspora across the whole universe. Saves a ton on prosthetic makeup costs

Brendan

If J. Michael Straczyinski is this dude's kid...

FancyShark

She didn't just say she died, did she? I've fallen for that one before.

Dark Screams of Ramb$ne Gracie

i am frequently mesmerized by powerful optical rays and mechanical hands as well

Brendan

nope, she deed.

gellaho

His gold eyes ugly

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Uuuuugly eyes~

I feel the Tingo between you and Iiii~

FancyShark

"Weird thing to call your penis, but lead the way"

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Yeah, grip that blaster, Dragonard. Oooooh yeah, tightly now.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Ooooh I'd like to argue ethics!

gellaho

And now: moving belt shenanigans

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Gotta be ready to blast at a moments notice.

gellaho

And by shenanigans, I mean violence

GDC

You can tell it's the future because they have Jetsons sidewalks

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Fart Guns, blasters, and now ray rifles? Does this book have Dracula beams too?!

FancyShark

Spellhands: War Journal

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

No vampire jokes

Not today

Brendan

Just gonna wing a few. Hope they don't suck.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Too late, I already did some regarding vampire finches and how they love boobies.

Tasteful of course.

gellaho

Licorice scented blood

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Life fluid

FancyShark

Esplanade is a...tortilla dish?

gellaho

I wonder what hate smells like

GDC

Brown anise-scented life fluid is a weird way to refer to Fernet

FancyShark

Old popcorn

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

"Wide legged, his feelings plain on his face"

LyraV

Was this ghost written by Louis L'Amour on a bender?

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

I think it smells like cordite and a specific kind of cheese.

FancyShark

"You, the reader, totally know what his face looks like and how he feels, right? Good."

GDC

The hate scent smelled like fart gun

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Spellhands is fuckin escaping and he dont CARE who gets their dick caught in what gears.

Mordred's Tauntaun Froze

Okay I've only popped in and out here but I want Spellhands to be the MC.

Just like with Ice.

gellaho

I'll note Ice never sold children into slavery

Mordred's Tauntaun Froze

True...

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

The children yearn for the mines, its fine.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Yeah but he never met a really shitty kid, now did he

gellaho

Spellhands uses that slow light

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Like a real shitheel of a six year old

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Wow the descendants of Tingle from Zelda got really hardcore.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

And they're still enslaving people! It must be in the blood

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

i guess in Galaxy II FTL just requires, like, a moderate jog

gellaho

Bloody cake

FancyShark

Now I want red velvet

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

This book brought to you by Samsung.

gellaho

Freedom credits

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

"Rosebud," whispers Prisoner Kane, as the sled's regulator lasers slice him cleanly into six separate chunks

Brendan

Solarians drink a LOT of ouzo

FancyShark

They used to be called French credits until some dickhead tried to be clever

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

"Freedom credits" is the kind of shitty metaphor Outer Worlds would come up with

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

If this was a comic book, this exact paragraph would be accompanied by a panel with Dragonard saying "The light! Smote my eyes! Like.....FIRE!"

gellaho

Gonna need some Spelllegs

LyraV

Are the freedom and penance credits actual things or just something you get assigned virtually? I'm overthinking it.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

They're on the blockchain

FancyShark

I like my villains supple

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Undone by a young supple cop. An ironic end for the child slaver

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

You can only trade them for NFTs and Dogecoin.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Let me spend three hours telling you about how revolutionary th technology is

gellaho

NOBODY SELLS OUT TINGO SPELLHANDS, NOBODY!

jakesy, weightroom hazard

CRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEDDDDDDD

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

My guy. You have cool crystal laser hands. Get some new legs, its fine, quit being a star baby.

FancyShark

Specifically, the baying of a shih tzu

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

God, Mr. Fish had a more convincing vow of vengeance

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

It really undercuts the menace of your revenge threat when you scream about how you're physically handicapped right afterward

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Anakin Skywalker handled this situation better.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Should have taken last words from The Scorpion and said "Curse your racist soul, Dragonard! You kill like a BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH!"

gellaho

Terrifying dark foam and dragoon mustaches

FancyShark

Drowning in foam is a very real fear that everyone faces when going through an automatic car wash

gellaho

Eat suspicion in the space saloon

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Enough selfies

jakesy, weightroom hazard

He ate what now

FancyShark

Suspicion. It's a Thai dish

gellaho

The heroin also helped

jakesy, weightroom hazard

He'd wakened

Of which he'd had on when he woke

Brendan

Goddamn fused the only free-floating bone in the body to his clothes.

FancyShark

He was dressed in what he'd had on

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Why not just show us him awokening?

Brendan

Glub.

Dark Screams of Ramb$ne Gracie

i had a bespokening

FancyShark

The author must've gotten called away from the typewriter during a lot of these scenes

gellaho

The cross all giants must carry: low ceilings

jakesy, weightroom hazard

Me getting ready to visit this author in Florida

Brendan

Swearing vengeance from my Roman banquet position.

FancyShark

Incorrect posture. The mark of a hero.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

We're shifting quickly to Valk's perspective i guess

gellaho

What you want is twelve year olds with rage

FancyShark

"I didn't want to carry this cross I carry in a carrying manner"

"All they gave me was a stress ball and a motivational poster!"

Brendan

beginning to suspect this story was serialized in a cheap sci-fi mag

jakesy, weightroom hazard

Awokening, I woke to verify my awakenness

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

When I was 12 I was also filled with rage, but not because my brain was defective

My brain defects were all unrelated

Brendan

His hands hanging at his sides suggested killing power, or at least ear-hurting box abilities

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

The Charles Dickens of our generation

gellaho

Max Dragonard and the Aphrodisiac Ampule Adventure

Brendan

Okay, now he's a Brockway character.

jakesy, weightroom hazard

The acid of two years, of which the years in the acid were two

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Max, what did you do to the courtier's son and his manhood?

FancyShark

"I think I could have inferred they distilled the ampules. Oh, you're going to keep talking anyway."

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

It doesn't bode well that he specified the guy was 18.

Brendan

This is the first instance I've ever seen of a cop on the edge turning in his badge and gun because he doesn't like how the chief wants a loose cannon on the case.

gellaho

I prefer my amoral youngsters emboned, but I'll eat em boneless if that's all that's available

GDC

Rage enduced deboning

FancyShark

Damn murderous youngsters with their genocidal tomfoolery

jakesy, weightroom hazard

Eh, boneless youngsters aren't even real kids, they're other parts of the human

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Oh we're gonna have to look up this dudes picture so @Arch Hotdog Witch Adrienne can make a Jakeway.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

still not convinced dragonard didn't give him a bone first

gellaho

But is it terrible though

gellaho

FancyShark

How terrible

"Fear was the name of Valk's favorite dom"

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Terribly terrible.

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Lex Luthor stole 40 cakes! That's as many as eight fives!

GDC

He had now said terrible three times.

gellaho

Peeping Espers

FancyShark

"Why'd you say no, Dragonard? The diamond not big enough?"

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

A mind is a turrible thing to peep

GDC

This book should have been about Max Mechanohands.

gellaho

Brandy bubble

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

What harmless seeming craze is killing teens in YOUR neighborhood? ESPERWATCH at Ten!

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Moist with...age?

FancyShark

Age fluids are the worst fluids

GDC

Political upheaval isn't beyond imagining, it seems like the norm in II Galaxy.

jakesy, weightroom hazard

Is Jakes implying that old men drink brandy slowly

Because that's surely not the case

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

Brandy Bubbles was the name of the exotic dancer who handed me my first badly printed copy of The Communist Manifesto.

gellaho

"Please ignore the dozen times he's literally seen red so far" - John Jakes

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

Praxis

That esper went so deep in you, Max. We never saw anybody go that deep.

FancyShark

That esper went mindballs deep in you, Max

gellaho

Hammansworld

gellaho

I wonder what could be causing this? Certainly not the inbreeding

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

"Naw you're good, Max. Besides, we want you to be a cop, some mind numbing fury is expected. Encouraged even."

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

You and I both know this, Max, but allow me to explain it to the readers.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

:Halmet: 🌍

gellaho

Tight like a paralyzed fist

FancyShark

Oh no! Someone's killing the immortal ghouls that keep the second galaxy under a tyrannical rule!

FancyShark

I can't help reading something sexual in this, but it's tough to pinpoint

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

We're so tight, Max. Even our best espers can only get an inch or two inside

LyraV

Oh I definitely refuse to admit its a plot.

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

When the weak flesh you call a temple withers and betrays you, you will beg Dragonard to save you. But i am already saved.

Brendan

"I prefer to enter a man's body after peeping him"

Rachel, Big Gay Vampire

I think it's just you

gellaho

Ah, the five cornered, two dimensional world

FancyShark

Dragonard is remembering Elden Ring

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Dragonard is led into a waiting limo. Robert Macnamara seats patiently inside.

Brendan

This is Game of Space Thrones, but the dragons are the actual Targaeryreemerrenerns

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Oh the devastating wars, as opposed to the fluffy duffy tickle wars, huh numbnuts

LyraV

I am very tempted to create Dragonard

Brendan

Hahaha what, the moons were permanently gibbous?

I mean I guess orbital lock

gellaho

I can't imagine a pentagon ever being associated with an army

FancyShark

Don't joke. We lost a lot of good people to the Tickle Wars

Brendan

I'll allow it.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Okay now I'm thinking about proud fighting princes having tickle wars and that's got to already be a manga.

Brendan

They have a northern waste!

This guy must curse Martin every day.

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Tickle Fight Planet has to be a thing already. If not what are we even doing here

Ai no Senshi Flippant Sausage

I choose to believe "gibbous" is a misspelling, and it meant "gibbons" and the moons are inhabited by a species of howling monkeys.

gellaho

This seems like a very complicated flag

Badger - Rated R for Relevant

Oh shit, it really is all Macnamara's fault!

gellaho

"It takes us seven months to get all the materials together for one flag"