94.3: The Death of Nancy Drew Anthony Del Col & Joe Eisma

gellaho

The Book Cage: Episode 94:3 - Proving I Am a Serious Artist by Ruining the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew: Part 3 - The Death of Nancy Drew

It's time to look at the sequel to The Big Lie which ended up being a three year undertaking. That's right, this came out in the year of our Lord Two Thousand and Twenty. And boy is it topical. The opioid epidemic, China, housing crises, and so much more. And everyone loves Nancy Drew. Find out what it's like for a book to fail the Reverse Bechdel Test this Friday, 5pm eastern.

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FancyShark

I'm sure this will be handled with the grace and skill it deserves

gellaho

It deserves none and it will receive none

gellaho

Coming up on the hour it's The Death of Nancy Drew. There aren't any previews or summaries to speak of, so instead enjoy this sad interview between the writer and his editor

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

You have to love it when a dude goes fishing for a compliment and gets shut down completely in an interview.

"ol' san antone" jakesy

Lol

Amazing

Why would you print that

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

You print it when deep down, you know you deserve it and you want people to know what you did.

gellaho

Once again, these books came ridiculously overprotected

FancyShark

Wrapped like it came from the dry cleaners

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Time to begin the process

gellaho

You might notice the terrible job they did on that tombstone

FancyShark

So much that I didn't realize it WAS a tombstone

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

It looks like someone graffitied Nancy's death rock with a second, worse one.

gellaho

Crank!

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Wow I didnt know the Jason Statham film Crank did so badly it had to get a job.

FancyShark

Maybe it's a side project

gellaho

I hope you like the dark. You're going to get a lot of it

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Off kilter and slightly weird and halting version of Cowboy Bebop theme plays

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8 years ago: watermelon skirt

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Fuck you, book, why would you even bother explaining who Nancy Drew is?

If you don''t know why would you have this comic?!

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4: she does... something

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Nancy Drew, pictured here twisting the heads off someones Go-Bots.

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Six months: pretend doctor

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Time to play "Lab or Trench coat: How inept is this artist?"

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Joe sad

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God, Joe has progressed to having women who arent even interested in him die.

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Catherine A. D.

FancyShark

Sequel to Babylon AD

gellaho

I hope you like pining. You're going to get a lot of it

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"beloved"

gellaho

Despite changing artists, eyes are still missing

FancyShark

Reflective stone. Good for reflecting on the deceased and for being incredibly hard to keep clean

"They're called The Syndicate because our writer phoned it in"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I really want a death rock that someone will have to use Windex on so the teens who fuck on my grave dont leave fingerprints.

FancyShark

"Refused to let Frank and me help her"

Nice work, editor

gellaho

Reminder: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stratemeyer_Syndicate

FancyShark

Ah, right

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Nothing like an homage that implies the publisher of the source material is an organized crime syndicate.

gellaho

The last case made Nancy crazed and obsessed. Despite the fact that the Hardy Boys' dad died

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Well to be fair, if my dad was Fenton Hardy I also wouldnt be that upset if he died.

GDC

Joe being ignored and not getting the hint is in character, at least.

gellaho

An experienced criminal attorney turns to a 17 year old for stability

FancyShark

Odds of him showing up and laughing at the funeral are at least 50/50

gellaho

He's way cooler than Carson though. He's got neat disguises

Brendan

Hi, I'm not really here, is Nancy dead

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Seems that way.

But we havent seen a body so who knows.

FancyShark

It's the perfect way to bring in Nancy Drew fans

gellaho

Drawing faces is hard

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

That classic Airbrushed Male look

FancyShark

And they say Joe Hardy aged three generations that day

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"The neutral mask is supposed to let you project yourself onto the character."

"Dude you just didnt draw a face, fuck you. Return the Arby's coupon we paid you."

GDC

It's low poly joe

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Joe vows revenge. Not because they killed his dad, but because Nancy died in a possibly unrelated accident

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What if I told you this artist was also Brazilian

FancyShark

Walking right over two Nobel Prize winners and a family doctor on his way out

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Oooooh Brazilian Arby's coupons!

GDC

Joe presses F to pay respects.

gellaho

Time to get topical

FancyShark

"F for Nancy"

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Given they couldnt solve their fathers murder without her this might not be all that big of a deal, Joes idea of vengeance could just involve getting some hamburgers.

gellaho

And some bad drawings to go along with it. First up: mortgage crises

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Hahahahah look at the weird hands.

FancyShark

Rob Reiner w/ T-Rex arms is the hero

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And that woman looks like shes mid angry sneeze.

GDC

Tragic arm shortening diseases struck bearded men everywhere.

gellaho

China

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lol like that would ever happen. Jobs go to China, not the other way around.

gellaho

WHY WON'T YOU TALK ABOUT MY PRECIOUS NANCY

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It's almost like one probably accidental death isnt that big of a deal to people who dont know her.

GDC

"either order something or get out"

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Or alternatively, nobody liked Nancy.

gellaho

I forgot what this idiot did to Frank

Meet dirtbag Frank

FancyShark

Oh right. Frank's not a karate robot in this

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If you remember he looked like a elven child in the last one

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You buy weed from this Frank, and try not to mention his weird baby hand.

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Pay attention to how his skin tone randomly changes as we go

Quite the coincidence that Frank went to college so close to Nancy

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"Joe, I went to college so now I am too grownup for stupid child shit like solving murders."

GDC

Frank didn't wash his paintball camo all the way off.

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FancyShark

His chin is devouring his face!

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"I took a class and my professor told me to read Kropotkin. I'm very cool now."

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That beanie is slowly turning into a fez

FancyShark

"I investigated the weather, Joe. Because I'm smart."

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR FACE?

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Yeah I bet the obsessed Nancy would have told you to drop it.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Lemon Warheads, not even once.

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Carson took this opportunity to grow an 1800s beard

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

My husband sometimes trims his facial hair like this for fun before shaving it all off.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

The mutton chops of grief.

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Carson shrugging like he can hear Joe's thoughts

GDC

I did the same thing.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Getting some Disco Elysium up ins

FancyShark

The blinds in that room must be colossal

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He got his lisence revoked and went broke in WEEKS?

Carson had a bad coke habit.

FancyShark

Lawyering means horse racing

Brendan

Bayport Noir

gellaho

Little known fact: Joe's skull changes shape based on his emotions

FancyShark

"Laughing at her attempts at being a real detective"

GDC

Joe smiles as he incinerates an insect with the glass. It was good to feel something again.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

That's what happens when you learn to draw via How To Draw Manga books instead of a life drawing class.

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"We went thru her shit and since we didnt find any notes saying "It was Murderous Dave the Murderer." we just laughed at all her dumb crap."

"She used to burn ants with this magnifying glass, lmao."

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George and Bess have changed. Bess especially, who was redheaded and white in the last series. And is now black

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They're also supposed to be cousins, but don't tell Anthony that

FancyShark

People really do cope in different ways

GDC

Joe coped by seeing the deadlights, based on his hair.

gellaho

Yeah, she's having a weird face day

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Ironically I would read a book that revealed Nancy Drew was biracial the whole time.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

George, see a dentist

GDC

You guys can stop impersonating Picasso paintings, it wasn't funny the first time.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Or is that Bess?

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"Hey remember when we were all white and convinced that that foreign kid was a vampire?"

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Bess

FancyShark

"Hahaha, my neck is wider than my shoulders!"

gellaho

That's a face for asking a question, sure

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Since George was the enby last time I automatically thought the one with short hair is George.

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"Hahhahah yeah, and Nancy kept saying shit like "I dont THINK vampires are real, but I'm not sure."

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

A HIDDEN COMPARTMENT YOU SAY??

Brendan

Dolezaling so hard.

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Every car has a hidden compartment. Its for spare tires.

gellaho

They can't even keep race straight within this continuity

GDC

It's called a trunk, Joe.

gellaho

Bess's chin grew three sizes that day

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Dang that 1/4 profile

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

What a whimsical thing to name your karaoke bar after, a notorious and brutal prison.

FancyShark

They shiv random patrons for verisimilitude

gellaho

I hope you liked black Bess, because this is the last you'll see of her

FancyShark

"Anyway, the library's closed"

gellaho

I'm guessing Anthony did the race swapping thing for points, but didn't do it to the character who is (a) involved in this story and (b) wasn't shown in the last story

It's a bold strategy

FancyShark

Let's see if it pays off

...

It does not

gellaho

I'm sure Ford was thrilled about this

Brendan

Two Besses, we'll see which one the fans like more. Run an A/B Bess.

Wam ba lam WOAH OH

FancyShark

Best part is how it kind of looks like a squirrel

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

It was the Bess of times, it was the worst of times

gellaho

Ah, yes, the lucrative lacrosse scholarships

FancyShark

Nothing says lacrosse like fishnet stockings

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

If teens can be renowned detectives in this world the author has constructed, lacrosse might as well be profitable

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"Hey we randomly swapped Bess' race, what else should we do so people know we are one of the good ones?"

"Mention she's in college?"

"Brilliant! Nobel PRize here we come!"

"I don't.........yeah. Whatever."

gellaho

I'm disappointed Ned doesn't look exactly like George in this one

FancyShark

Mayor Ned

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Yeah Ned had local politican vibes so this tracks.

GDC

Ned: Teen Mayor.

gellaho

This artist knows that all teens now are alternative. Asymmetrical haircuts for all!

FancyShark

If he's the criminal, I will eat the writer

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Ned is the Pete Buttigieg in this one.

A criminal, but not THE criminal.

FancyShark

Ned was loyal and dumb as a puppy. I was rooting for him and Nancy in the books

gellaho

I hope you are excited by The Bobbsey Twins, 80 year olds

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And now he's a mayor. You have been betrayed.

GDC

I didn't realize this was a 50s kids book cinematic universe.

gellaho

You know what, give the old people asymmetrical haircuts too

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I was not expecting the loss of Midwestern manufacturing and the economic fallout to appear in this comic book for..........children?

gellaho

It's The Avengers for no-one!

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Who is this for again?

FancyShark

Maryanne with the Default Working Mom attire and hair

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The Hardy Boys in: Rust Belt Blues.

gellaho

The series is called "Proving I Am a Serious Artist by Ruining the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew" for a reason

Add dashcams onto the topical pile

GDC

At any rate, Carson's about to get some.

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Carson, widowed hobo fuckmaster.

gellaho

See ya, Lonnie

FancyShark

"Darn. Arrested again."

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"Shucks."

If at some point Frank doesnt yell "TIME TO TASTE HARDY JUSTICE, DIRTBAGS!" and leap thru the air whilst firing two uzis I am going to be upset.

gellaho

Throw cops on there too

GDC

Joe lost his in with the local.cops after being kicked out of one too many bars.

gellaho

I'm just started and we are at least five things deep into 2020

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Topical!

FancyShark

Is beaten with a pipe for several minutes after eating the cop's lunch

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Hahahahah Hardy Boys in: All Cops are Bastards, Especially Our Dead Dad.

gellaho

I think these authors keep forgetting these two are related

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"Fuck you, Frank. You're too busy with your LIBERAL ARTS DEGREE to help me solve the case!"

FancyShark

It's great how the writer decided to make the dumber Hardy the one who has to piece all of this together

gellaho

RAWR

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

BURN THE WITCH

FancyShark

"JOE! MY ARM IS SO TINY! WHEN WILL YOU GIVE UP?"

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"I'm........majoring in computer science, Joe."

"LIBERAL! ARTS!"

gellaho

This author would understand Frank so badly he'd be getting an arts degree

Brendan

I guess we know who loved her more now.

The one who would punish the world over his headcanon.

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Thwok

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"Joe I have to finish college or the student debt will mean I never get surgery to fix my weird baby arm!"

FancyShark

I punch your umbrella

gellaho

Watch that skin tone, everybody

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

KARATE DUEL!

GDC

That umbrella's handle is in the wrong place.

It looks like Rob Liefeld trying to draw a katana.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Frank should take out the sword he has concealed in his umbrella handle and tell Joe its name is Kinslayer.

gellaho

You know bikers, always drinking out of carafes and saying bro

FancyShark

Nancy was Harley Quinn

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Lonnie was dating Harley Quinn? Nice pull bro.

gellaho

Ooooooooooh, boy. I read this so long ago I forgot this

GDC

Even the biker is picking up huge stalker vibes from Joe.

gellaho

I can't believe I forgot this

THIS AIN'T YOUR KID'S HARDY BOYS

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

OH MY GOD SHE DROPPED AN S BOMB

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"Jeannie Dana, the girl with two first names. Real easy to remember."

GDC

Also, real easy

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"Loves anal and three ways."

FancyShark

I hope that lady just walked up to Joe and said that unprompted

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"Never calls you after tho."

GDC

"trust me"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Really this woman just added the slut part because they used to date.

She's upset about Jeannie not returning her Godsmack CDs

"ol' san antone" jakesy

Hell yeah sluts rule

gellaho

Don't worry about how he found her roommate

gellaho

Mouth

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Lets have a moment of silence in appreciation for all the sluts.

GDC

They did the thing where they put shoe polish on the mouth of the bong.

FancyShark

You can tell it's a fancy restaurant because the waitresses bring all the food out to the front desk before taking it to the table

gellaho

Now that Anthony's popped the seal, he's going full ass

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Ass.

FancyShark

"Honey, this cake is delicious. It tastes like a badly written argument happened near it."

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MORE TOPICAL

gellaho

I AM A SERIOUS ARTIST TALKING ABOUT SERIOUS ISSUES

GDC

This is illegal under current employment law.

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Opiod crisis, I'm so close to a 2020 bingo.

cmoooonn riots.

gellaho

Joe out here jumping to conclusions

FancyShark

I'm holding out for a lockdown

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Hahahhah no, Carson didnt get her off. She was found not guilty but she never did cum.

gellaho

Well, that is a coincidence

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Louise kinda looking like she might stab someone with that scalpel.

gellaho

There is something very, very, very stupid coming. It's not 2020 but just wait

FancyShark

Anthony writes mysteries like someone giggling through a prank

gellaho

What about her own forehead?

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"You know what that's like."

"Um.....actually until recently my brother and I were very close. I talked to him yesterday."

gellaho

That's some good scalpel discipline

FancyShark

She's got so many stitches from times she tried to pick her nose

GDC

That was a scalpel threat.

gellaho

A face like a rocky crag

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Louise shortly before she draws the scalpel across her forehead and peels off her own face.

GIF

FancyShark

Friend of children

gellaho

You'll never guess who it is

FancyShark

Fenton? Nancy? Tom Swift?

Knight Rider?

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Tom Swifts Electric Rifle?!

Kamen Rider?!

GDC

A velociraptor?

Chet?

gellaho

Who could have foreseen this

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The star of Crank, Jason Statham?!

Well this is horse shit.

I was promised a dead Nancy.

gellaho

Her hair died

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And this book is too late to have killed Nancy Reagan.

FancyShark

Frank, the smarter brother, tells his idiot brother to give up and go home, thinking that would work.

gellaho

Excuse me, dyed

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GIF

gellaho

Oh, March 2020. What could go wrong?

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WERE YOU?!

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REALLY?!

gellaho

Hitch your ride to Frank Miller in 2020

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Oh..........oh dear.

FancyShark

You're not a misogynist, Anthony. You're a shitty writer who accidentally writes misogynist shit along with basic shit.

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"Too stupid to be a misogynist" does not look great on your resume.

gellaho

We have defeated The Dead of Nancy Drew #1

gellaho

Moving forward

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

We did it!

Oh god wait, it's only #1.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

You better kill her this time, book.

Use the poison, its more effective.

gellaho

Drawing children is hard

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Nancy Drew has the cheek bones and chin of a 40 year old white man who guest starred on Cheers.

FancyShark

Nancy knew what Tony did with the cold cuts