94.3: The Death of Nancy Drew Anthony Del Col & Joe Eisma

GDC

Tony was disposing of Jimmy Hoffa.

gellaho

MORE TRAGEDY FOR MY SERIOUS STORY ABOUT NANCY DREW

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

For once, im grateful because this means the artist never got close to an actual child to know what they look like.

gellaho

Remember what I said about Frank?

FancyShark

Frank's blood pressure is going haywire and no one cares

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Joe punched Frank so hard his DNA changed.

gellaho

He's just straight up brown now

GDC

Frank's got saladfingers hands

Brendan

PRISON MIKE

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"And that was how I got the nickname "Brown Bomber."

"Jesus Joe nobody is ever going to call you that."

gellaho

You'd have to be going really fucking fast to fly out of your car in a rear end collision

gellaho

But I'm guessing Anthony doesn't understand basic relativity

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Not to mention if you're wearing your seatbelt you just bounce your face off the steering wheel.

NANCY!

GDC

if you're wearing your seatbelt.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

NANCY!

gellaho

The person flying out is Jeannie, who just happens to look exactly like Nancy

It's quite a coincidence

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I cant help but notice, NANCY!, that you arent wearing your seatbelt.

gellaho

GDC

Also the karaoke bar had $2.00 shots, that probably didn't help.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

So they..........just decided this blond dead girl was Nancy?!

gellaho

maaaaaaaaaaaannnnn

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

SO..........what?!

gellaho

Remember that the coroner is Jeannie's sister

GDC

So Nancy don draper'd Jeannie and no one noticed?

gellaho

She's committing massive fraud with her own sister's corpse to let Nancy pretend she's dead

Looking good

FancyShark

All to set up the biggest surprise party Carson's ever seen!

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

To fool the two stupidest hitmen who ever walked the face of the earth?!

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

The Hardy Boys: The Death Of A Completely Unrelated Person Not Named Nancy Drew didn't really jive with the copy

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Fuck you, comic book.

GDC

This comic remains topical by showing teens using a phone booth.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I dont say this lightly but this is one of the stupidest things to ever be in a comic.

gellaho

We'd all go to prison, of course, but at least we'd find out who that man is

FancyShark

She died as she lived: a total slut

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

PHRASING NANCY!

gellaho

Total slut

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

DEAR GOD NANCY SHE IS DEAD.......oh you mean like as a decoy.

Still fucked up, Nancy.

gellaho

Brown Frank is a real weenie

FancyShark

Hell no. Carpool lane!

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I mean he did get the whiteness punched out of him, he still has a shiner.

That makes a man cautious.

GDC

Frank is putting in a lot of work to look like a dirt bag.

gellaho

Dialog composed entirely out of clichéd quips

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Also I love how they explicitly didnt tell Joe because he would fuck it up with his stupidity.

FancyShark

That at least is on point

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Except their plan was so dumb and bad he figured it out anyway.

So literally any idiot could have done this.

I think the Syndicate isnt real, y'all.

gellaho

Uh, lady, it's at least 2019. She'd be 21

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Frank isnt even hacking a bank, he's ordering hoagies from a fake website.

gellaho

RIVER

"ol' san antone" jakesy

Ugh spoilers!

This is at a soap opera level of nuance

gellaho

Principle Skinnered, excuse him

"ol' san antone" jakesy

What's next, Nancy gets amnesia

gellaho

The coincidences continue

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"So yeah, I'd like all the things in Jean.....I mean my secret lockbox I labelled "Proof of the badguys conspiracy." please."

Oh shit are they plotting to assassinate Ned "Nickels" Nickerson!

FancyShark

"I couldn't believe my father who I'd discovered was a criminal and murderer knew criminals!"

gellaho

Hey, artboy, decide if that beard is complete or not

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Beard ribbon!

I hate when im typing and my ribbon gets all scrunched up like that.

GDC

Art guy got his Photoshop layers in the wrong order.

FancyShark

If your accountant isn't returning your calls, they're not your accountant anymore

gellaho

Secret trick: draw the same thing over and over again

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"CTRL+C, CTRL+V........ART!"

gellaho

Just use Chick-fil-A at this point

GDC

Nancy, boning another child detective is the only way he can feel anymore.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Chick-Phillia is a furry nightclub.

FancyShark

Chick-Fell-A went under for false advertising

gellaho

The dialog is so bad

And I want everyone always talking about Nancy

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Dialog like this is why keeping writers in a small cupboard under the stairs is a bad idea.

They need to be socialized or they start biting.

gellaho

Hair

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Nancy I would also be very pissed that you didnt tell me EVER that you werent dead.

Like......its not weird to be upset that your brother and friend think you are a thick dipshit.

gellaho

Art.

FancyShark

"So that's one 'You Ruined Our Town'. Is that for here or to go?"

GDC

This is the sort of place where a chicken Parm sandwich is exotic.

gellaho

Remember that this issue started with Nancy discovering her dead mom

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Mmmmm Chicken parm sandwich sounds good.

FancyShark

It does, actually

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Also what a waste of eggs, those are expensive.

It would be cheaper just to shoot at them.

gellaho

Splooge

FancyShark

Artist, the joke works a lot better if you don't have them react to the eggs hitting them

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

The Bobbsey Twins: Harbingers of Capitalist driven economic collapse.

gellaho

"Are you enjoying your poorly drawn food?"

FancyShark

"We sure love...green beans? Maybe?"

gellaho

The barber

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I love......flatbread rhombus and loose dry green beans.

gellaho

"So your accountant did you hair? That makes sense"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Maybe you guys should serve things besides crispy fried tortilla squares?"

gellaho

How's about you fuck off, Anthony

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Anthony you stupid asshole. If a criminal is called something like that its not because its his day job, you fuck. It's because he slits throats with a straight razor or stabs people with scissors or SOMETHING.

FancyShark

Someone taught Anthony that being glib is the same as being funny

gellaho

SKREEEE

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

NO It IS NOT.

FancyShark

It's why you never piss off someone named The Cleaner

gellaho

You can really tell the emotion Nancy feels from that tiny "Frank! Joe!"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

The perfect front for criminal accounting is a legitimate accounting firm, you stupid asshole.

Anthony is out here giving all the other Anthony's a bad name.

gellaho

Clank! doesn't realize he can change font size

GDC

If it's not the barber, it's someone else wearing bowling shoes.

gellaho

This RIVER hat makes it very hard to take any of this seriously

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

More like Shrank! (the words).

My favorite hat says "LAKE" on it.

gellaho

Nancy notes the straight razor, but still turns her back on it

gellaho

Based on that arc, that razor should have hit his shoes

gellaho

Also, not a great throwing weapon is the straight razor

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

What kind of moron throws a straight razor? Uncle Enzo would be fucking LIVID.

gellaho

But, he's got a gun so the straight razor thing was beyond pointless

GDC

That straight razor will need extensive restoration before it can be used for shaving again.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Also he doesnt have a straight razor anymore, Nancy, kick his ass.

Guns dont even work!

FancyShark

Make small talk, Nancy! He's a barber! It's his kryptonite!

gellaho

She's not a Hardy Boy

Nancy grew a mustache

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Name one person who has been killed by gunfire in a Nancy Drew related property? They didnt even shoot HER in the face.

FancyShark

And he's got kitty whiskers

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

PULL THE TRIGGER! DO IT NOW AND CLAIM IT WAS SELF DEFENSE OLD MAN!

She had that razor after all!

gellaho

Note the blood and how he lost his razor

gellaho

These are important details

Weeeeoooo

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

um.........did they just kill that guy with a pipe?

"ol' san antone" jakesy

GIF

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Nancy maybe you three deserve to go to jail?

Like you just killed a dude with a pipe while in the process of a B&E

Brendan

Legal on Fifth Avenue

gellaho

The author and artist speak for the first time

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

And yeah, real cop shit, but that aint legal.

Oh god COVID was trying to save us from this?!

WE HAD YOU ALL WRONG COVID!

gellaho

Joe doesn't like drawing Joe. And the editor hates both of them

FancyShark

Wait, Anthony's in Brooklyn. @Brendan @BlindMonkey , you know what to do!

gellaho

The ads in this are basically pornography

GDC

Joe didn't realize hitting someone with a cardboard tube would be so devastating.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Hahahahahah nice job editor.

Also nobody has ever been banned from Kansas.

gellaho

What the fuck even is this

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

They need all the genetic diversity they can get.

Brendan

Buy him...beer?

FancyShark

Red Sonja is Lady Conan

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Not a bad attempt at a Frazetta but no cigar.

FancyShark

ehhhh, close enough

gellaho

Marketed towards the kids

Brendan

Oh damn, I love Matt Idelson.

gellaho

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Kids love vampire titties.

I know I did.

Brendan

Nobody appreciates a titty more than someone with an internet blocker.

FancyShark

Okay, yeah, I can't explain Vampirella

gellaho

It seems like it should be illegal to advertise this in the same issue

Brendan

You kids have no idea what it was like.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Titties were like a third of the reason I had so much late 80s D&D art.

gellaho

This is from 2020, my guy

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

What's illegal is that Raven looks happy on that ad

Brendan

90 minutes to download Lesbians2_notVirus.jpg

Brendan

Thus: blocker.

gellaho

We have defeated The Death of Nancy Drew #2

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

90 minutes IF WE WERE LUCKY!

gellaho

Moving forward

FancyShark

If someone picked up the phone before then, you just lost your night

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Watching that line as the picture rendered.

Like a wolf watching a deer.

God it was hell.

Brendan

The kid with the 28800 modem would give me a floppy disc with freeware games I wanted to play and throw in porn for free

gellaho

White Frank gets hit on by kitty lady

Brendan

IT WAS BASICALLY THE STONE AGE

FancyShark

Frank remains sexless

The fool

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

That's literally how you become king of the eighth grade.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Passing up a steak dinner for the cold hamburger in the fridge. SMDH

gellaho

He's not getting over Callie leaving him because his dad was crooked, but a childhood crush on Nancy

Anthony is an idiot

This is how phone calls look

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Frank, what I'm saying is you can look inside my butt."

"Not now. Detecting......"

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

This girl is increasingly more possessed by Satan, look at her eyes

gellaho

"I figured a white dweeb like you would be all over me!"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Her vibe is hitting its max intensity.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

I'm not saying I was ever that hot but I know this frustration.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

She figured Frank would help her fish it out.

But no dice.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

"Hey idiot, wanna fuck me?"

"Huh? Uh, sure, okay."

gellaho

Present day: colorful bubbles

FancyShark

NGL, college me would have not picked up the signals

gellaho

I hate you, Anthony

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I mean considering he just threw a razor at you and held you at gunpoint in the street I'd say you have a decent case for him trying to have killed you JUST NOW.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Legit every single guy I've dated up to and including my husband had to be knocked over the head. It really gave me a "are these guys just settling for me?" complex.

gellaho

I want everyone always talking about Nancy always and forever

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Frank, you stupid piece of shit, you know what burner phones are.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

That pussy better come with a vibrate function, godDAMN.

gellaho

"What do you mean 'everyone?'"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

From my end of things I usually dont think of myself as being someone people want to fuck so when they do they have to make it very clear.

gellaho

So you remember that guy who was bleeding from the head. He's back! And his straight razor had become pointy

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Hmm, true I never dated a guy who was considered to be in-demand...

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Cops finding blood but no body in an alleyway do not ask these kinds of questions tbh.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Maybe he grabbed his backup knife?

FancyShark

Oh shit

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Well after he buried it in a brick wall I imagine it broke.

"ol' san antone" jakesy

So edgy

FancyShark

He's Columbo now!

"ol' san antone" jakesy

Boo me, fuckos!

gellaho

Just you wait

Frank loses his ear

"ol' san antone" jakesy

Hahaha

Van Nooooooo

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Frank didnt listen very good anyway.

FancyShark

Van Gough to hell

Brendan

Honestly, it's the consequence of never wanting to impose yourself on a woman. You know what's happening but you're like "What if I'm misreading it??" so you don't become all the idiots that just grope someone they met five minutes earlier.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

I removed and reapplied the drum so as not to interrupt the boo.

"ol' san antone" jakesy

I appreciate the commitment to the craft

gellaho

"Stop talking into my cut off ear"

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Did he take it with him? They can sew it back on!

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Also talk about unlucky, that guy was cutting from the bottom up in an arc, I dont know how he only got an ear.

gellaho

Art protip: draw nothing

FancyShark

On the plus side, Frank's q-tip budget just went down 50%

gellaho

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Also what an asshole, going for ear and shoulder cuts and not a stab, amateur knifework shit.

At least the pages are glossy.

FancyShark

Frank wakes up to discover his entire body covered in ears

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

lol I cant get over how much protection someone gave this piece of shit, I didnt get more than an envelope when I ordered Mega Dragon and Tiger and that comic is actually good.

gellaho

I wish I could ignore the quips

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

I was definitely taught the "be mysterious and let him make the first move" which gets you nowhere if you're not smoking hot, so luckily I was horny enough to eventually just go for it.

gellaho

Anthony, please stop

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Can you sue someone and force them to never write anything but technical manuals again? Like have a judge order them "No quips, no metaphors."

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

These shameless flirts 😚

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Also Nancy Drew is a white bread sandwich.

gellaho

Have you people never seen a phone?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I eat spicier breakfast cereal.

Brendan

Nobody gets the right communication vs. enchanted mystery education. You made the right call.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Now it's a half ear?

Brendan

Nothing wows a man like getting directly hit on.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Yeah, blame low self esteem.

gellaho

More topical, more

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Frank just constanly bitching about his ear like he's Jack Burton trying to recover his truck from now on.

Brendan

It's 2020, flip phones are novel again.

Man, I miss my Razr

"ol' san antone" jakesy

Lol is this a Foxconn reference

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Now they make the smartphone ones that make me worry they'll crack clean in half.

gellaho

So, what, this Midwestern town installed one hundred huge-ass screens to announce a factory?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Chinese officials not pictured."

gellaho

The fuck am I looking at?

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

I had a Motorola with a pull-out antenna! 👵

"ol' san antone" jakesy

Is the town called Kenosha Wisconsin

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

If I can't whip out my phone like Kirk calling the Enterprise what's even the point

"ol' san antone" jakesy

Can they be more heavy handed

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Any time someone says it's a new era, Carl from ATHF says in my head, "...of loneliness"

"ol' san antone" jakesy

"Benosha, Indiana" gottem send it

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Why the fuck would a Chinese electronics manufacturer build a factory in the Midwest US?

gellaho

Only one sign for all the protesters

"ol' san antone" jakesy

It's literally an exact news story from 2020

GDC

That man? Chet.

gellaho

Fuck you, Nancy

"ol' san antone" jakesy

https://www.jsonline.com/story/money/business/2023/03/23/what-we-know-about-foxconn-in-wisconsin-and-how-we-got-there/70037738007/

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

And im still asking myself that question.

FancyShark

Yes

Yes it is

gellaho

This is serious art guys

FancyShark

Do not get me started on this

gellaho

Which is why they let Paulo in to draw that last Nancy

"ol' san antone" jakesy

Remind me to tell you later the story where I hung out with the mayor of Kenosha on my honeymoon in Venice

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Ohhhh now it makes sense. Foxconn is Taiwanese, and I wouldnt expect Anthony to know the difference.

gellaho

This old man is everywhere

FancyShark

I'll gladly hear it and tell you my Foxconn story about a classmate who tried to work there

gellaho

Ugh

FancyShark

They call him The Barber because he has a gun

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Joe is going full "Ear for an ear."

More teen detectives should have straight razors and cut fuckers imo, so im starting to like this.

Old Kid

what is the event going on soon?

"ol' san antone" jakesy

You're living in it, kid

gellaho

Somebody saw Skyfall

Old Kid

what is going on

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Book Cage

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Book Cage! Where Gellaho reads a book to us and we make fun of it.

gellaho

THIS AIN'T YOUR KID'S HARDY BOYS

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

We all have a laugh and experience Hotdog Fellowship.

FancyShark

Tonight's offering is a collection of shitty Nancy Drew/Hardy Boys comics written by the Brazilian Mega Man guy

Old Kid

ah

we are hotdog legion

FancyShark

Oh good. He exploded

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"PLEASE! Dont Panic!" is my favorite band.

GDC

Please don't panic, despite being full of bullets.