94.3: The Death of Nancy Drew Anthony Del Col & Joe Eisma

FancyShark

Let's go to the Toucan Poster restaurant

gellaho

Joe Hardy buys drugs, because that's what fans want

"ol' san antone" jakesy

Nice day to piss in the street

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I love Toucan Tim's. The blueberries are always fresh.

Nobody but a total idiot would sell drugs to Joe Hardy, he looks like such a fucking cop.

Also isnt he like..........kinda famous?

Like even in the continuity of this series he was on TV for dadicide not that long ago.

"ol' san antone" jakesy

GDC

Surely selling drugs to famous teen detectives would never have a downside. Worked for that Quest kid.

"ol' san antone" jakesy

I don't think it's a good thing that I'm picking up the background references for these comics

gellaho

The center of the opioid crisis

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Your mind is grasping wildly at something to hold on to.

Soooooooo.........the Sackler family did it?

gellaho

Because the opioid crisis doesn't have anything to do with shitty doctors giving prescriptions out willy nilly, but due to smuggling?

gellaho

Riverside doesn't get Bayport news

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I wonder if Riverside is upriver from Bayport.......

"ol' san antone" jakesy

Or near Bayside

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Just across from Riverport.

FancyShark

I guess we know how Anthony votes

gellaho

One is vague Midwest and the other is vague New England, so probably not

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

It's a really long river, okay!

FancyShark

Wait, of course we know how he votes. He spelled it out in his Megamanifesto

gellaho

Based on how much of the rest of it is virtue signaling you can never be too sure

FancyShark

This is true

gellaho

The Papercutz mangas are written by... someone

FancyShark

ohhhh, my bad

gellaho

I mostly focus on the megaman pervert so I don't remember

You can't make fun of your own shitty name

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Yeah the megaman pervert who also has a name that isnt megaman pervert, but should forever more be known as the megaman pervert.

FancyShark

"We only sell bowls. This is not a food store. STOP ASKING FOR FOOD."

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Man no Asian restaurant would be caught dead with a name like "River Rice Bowl."

The local one up the street from me operates out of a former KFC closed for health reasons and its still called "Dengs Garden."

FancyShark

The least-effort one here was Asia Palace

Ramb$ne

i have this sign in my kitchen

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Up in Des Moines we have a China Buffet.

FancyShark

Their food sucked but they at least had good decor

FancyShark

Oh shit, yeah. We have one here. They rule

Ramb$ne

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

China Buffet has some seriously good shit here.

FancyShark

Def less effort name

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Coconut shrimp.

"ol' san antone" jakesy

This checks out, you have been known to take down some Guinness

Ramb$ne

Djonin is my witness on that

i guess Shark and V saw me slurp down like 4 in an hour too this year

gellaho

Allow me

Ramb$ne

mostly got it for the bird TBH

gellaho

gellaho

"ol' san antone" jakesy

Lol

FancyShark

hahahaha

God damn

"ol' san antone" jakesy

Soupa Saiyan is so great

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Man that beats Mr. Egg Roll.

gellaho

Hungry

FancyShark

We can't forget the MVP: Frying Dragon

wait, no, forget that one

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Des Moines: the No Fun Restaurant Name City.

Ramb$ne

gellaho

Who's that white guy

gellaho

We had one of those

"ol' san antone" jakesy

gellaho

Probably

FancyShark

Given how Anthony writes, it's definitely nothing

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

First actual depiction of Chinese people and they look like the artist forgot to draw them.

"^-^" and took a break.

gellaho

Figure out reading this

FancyShark

oh go to hell, page layout

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Someone needs a copy of Understanding Comics.

Ramb$ne

so there's actually a reason there's like one chinese restaurant in every town. in big coastal cities they have organizations that literally help Chinese immigrants start businesses and they do checks like "yeah there's already a restaurant there" and basically help aspiring entrepreneurs find a place where the niche isn't occupied. This shit sounds like a conspiracy but that's actually how it happens

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Honestly it would be great if they could bring another one here to my town, the one here is kind of weird and ass.

Their orange chicken has some kind of cream sauce?!

Its like orangy mayo and i hate it.

gellaho

I accidentally took a side route to Universal Studios this week and went down a street that no joke had twenty Asian restaurants and fifteen Asian markets

It was the wildest thing I've ever seen

FancyShark

That sounds rad as hell

Ramb$ne

i miss places with cultural diversity

gellaho

Then there were a bunch of lawyer's offices. Very weird place

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

My area has negative cultural diversity, people come here to open American style pizza and steak houses.

gellaho

Orlando: you'll stumble upon tourist traps

KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN

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I kid you not, theres a local place that used to be owned by a Greek dude, he retired and sold it to a Vietnamese family (who make excellent pizza btw.) and they have not really changed the menu aside from adding egg rolls.

FancyShark

"It's not what it looks like! I swear! I'm just cramming these bottles up my ass for a sexual thrill!"

gellaho

I'm almost certain you're the only pharmacy in town there's no way you couldn't stay in business

FancyShark

So you see, CVS was the real villain

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"I'm filling prescriptions for people without health insurance. Yes, its illegal and yes I'm basically stealing. It didnt cost anyone their ear tho NANCY!"

gellaho

There used to literally be a "theme park" that was run by the Chinese government called "Splendid China". It is now Margaritaville timeshares

That is a true story

FancyShark

Sounds less splendid now

gellaho

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Splendid_China_(Florida)

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Depends on how you feel about Margaritaville.

FancyShark

There's a reason Margaritaville's theme includes the words "wasting away again"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Jimmy Buffet is the Herald of Decay, this is true.

gellaho

There's a Waterpark, so it beats propaganda palace

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

More propaganda needs to have a waterpark.

gellaho

Please feel sorry for me, the drug peddler

FancyShark

"They just wanted me to sell insulin that I refused to sell to people who needed it most"

gellaho

As opposed to regulated websites

gellaho

I remember all the red tape I had to work through to open my websites

FancyShark

hahaha, Anthony thinks pharmacies are run in chat forums

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Anthony has clearly never bought prescription drugs either legitimately or illegitimately.

I assume his mother picks up his meds for him.

gellaho

Pictured: legit

gellaho

He's still on her insurance

Suck it, old man

FancyShark

Last month, I had to call four separate locations just to get a refill on a drug I've gotten filled every month for over 20 years. I would gladly be held at gunpoint if it meant a faster checkout process

gellaho

Didn't the Bobbsey's lose all their money? How do they have a factory?

FancyShark

Yeah. They sold off everything except Chick-fellatio

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I'm not sure how this all is illegal tho? Like a doctor signs the scrips, its filled by a pharmacists, and mailed to the purchaser?

That is literally how I get meds.

FancyShark

I guess it's not getting cleared by insurance?

But that would only mean they'd have to pay full price

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Right?

gellaho

Eat my ass, Anthony

gellaho

FancyShark

Eat gellaho's love, Anthony

gellaho

The tombstone signified that they are using dead doctors to fake the prescriptions

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Like live doctors dont sign whatever.

I dont even need to bribe them, I can just ask for stuff.

gellaho

Ned's turned brown himself

gellaho

I lied earlier, the colorist is Brazilian. So I guess this is his fault

FancyShark

His chin retracts when he senses danger

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Joe is really sorry about his "Future Mayor Punching Rampage Incident of 2015."

But not the one of 2017

gellaho

Rawr, says Frank

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Or the one in 2008.

gellaho

EVERYONE LOVE NANCY

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"My killer who never actually killed me and is probably therefore not legally responsible for anything."

gellaho

EVERYONE

FancyShark

Simp harder, Anthony

gellaho

There it is

FancyShark

hahahaha what

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That...........is so odd.

Like......

gellaho

Rawr

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

What?

gellaho

"You got my ear cut off"

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Man I would marry the woman who got my ear cut off just because it would be a great way to win any argument where she questions my commitment.

"ol' san antone" jakesy

Wannabe Obama

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"I dont think you really love me."

"I got my ear cut off for you."

gellaho

Forgot to draw the gun

FancyShark

"You never listen!"

[lean in, cupping stump]

"WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

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"I feel like im not important to you."

"Say that into my good ear, will you? I lost the other one because you did a thing."

FancyShark

Finger gun!

gellaho

I remember Frank telling a "thanks, Obama" joke. But I must have mistook it for whatever that was

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Just pretend you didnt see" isnt how you cover an attempted murder, dude.

gellaho

Gun still nowhere to be seen

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

It's how you respond to a train groping in Japan.

gellaho

That is some grade-A laziness

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

The Hardy boys have never seen John Wick or pretty much any assassin movie, have they?

FancyShark

"Sure is a getaway vehicle."

"Ayup."

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Like I kind of just assume that paid killers dont know their employers after a certain level.

gellaho

Cadillac approved, I'm sure

gellaho

No, she said emotiomlessly

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Carson?

FancyShark

I hope it's Chet

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Oh shit that would be fun, cos his name is Car-son.

gellaho

And so the Bobbsey Twins have been killed

gellaho

So, you know, whoever that's for

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Just going thru these poor young heroes of byegone ages like a fuckign scythe.

gellaho

Joe has acquired the melanin disease

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

It would be like if you read Captain America and found out he ate a baby in Germany.

Well that wraps that mystery up. Great detecting Nancy.

gellaho

Oh, wait, Freddie's hair kept him alive

FancyShark

Remember: they're guilty of killing Nancy, who is alive. Not Jeanne, who actually died in the crash

gellaho

Honest.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Can relate, i am also sick of being poor and would kill both Nancy Drew and some of the people I grew up with if it meant I got a sweet drug empire.

gellaho

Crank!: Ultra Dweeb

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I would make my head so big and install it on a roomba like Mr. Big from NARC.

FancyShark

:nerds:

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

They keep misspelling his name, its vital you put the ! in Crank!

gellaho

We have defeated The Death of Nancy Drew #5

gellaho

Moving swiftly along

FancyShark

Is this the finale?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Crank! is a man after my own heart, I also used the pandemic masking as an excuse to pretend I was a ninja.

gellaho

Tis

FancyShark

Exquisite

gellaho

Nancy reflects on childhood rage

FancyShark

I warned you, Anthony. If you made Ned the villain, I'm eating your face

gellaho

Nancy learned nothing about just trusting people

gellaho

And Giant magnifying glasses

FancyShark

hahaha

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Oh so it was Don Sturdy the whole time.

FancyShark

So Nancy's sucked at this for years

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Long time to hold a grudge but I get it, Don.

gellaho

Fuck me. Stop using black for everything

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Nancy is massively annoying.

FancyShark

The culprit is the Chinese! Great work, Anthony! Burn in hell

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Okay fuck you Anthony, you named this guy something normal like Zhang Wei, but earlier had to pull Henry Wang out of your ass?!

gellaho

"Never trust the Chinese, Ned!"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I cant wait to not understand why the CEO of a Chinese electronics company would be involved in drug smuggling.

gellaho

Very stupid

FancyShark

I'm betting it's to undermine American citizens who just want their opium

gellaho

"Yeah, she fucking sucks"

gellaho

She's also clearly walking away from the car, but then squealed off in the car?

"ol' san antone" jakesy

THE INSURANCE MONEY

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Because I tried to kill her. I never forgave her for beating the shit out of me and telling everyone about my underwear. People called me Neddy Knickers for years you fucks. Im not sorry I tried to have Nancy killed, I'm sorry my assassin was inept."

FancyShark

IT'S ALWAYS THE CHINESE ELECTRONICS INSURANCE MONEY!

gellaho

Carson caught the melanin virus

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Well yeah, Joe probably punched him after he kinda helped those guys murder his dad.

Kinda?

Im honestly not sure the Syndicate is real.

FancyShark

The Syndicate is just The Barber

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Im more inclined to believe everyone just hates the Drews and the Hardys

gellaho

Nancy, for the second time in a row, is about to accuse her father of being the mastermind behind a criminal scheme

gellaho

Based on no evidence, other than (A) Not responding to some emails and (B) eating in a Chinese restaurant

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"Nancy, is this because I'm dating again? You know daddy gotsta get it wet."

FancyShark

She really takes daddy issues in some weird directions

gellaho

"What the hell are you talking about?"

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"You kids have a saying these days. "Dont hate the playa, hate the game.", right? Well I am fucking Mrs. Bobbsey because it makes me happy and you're an adult and its time you moved out and got a job, Nancy."

FancyShark

"My beloved daughter, I'm so happy you're alive!"

gellaho

Nancy, you appear to be turning into some kind of orc

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Is she..........Batmanning her own dad?

FancyShark

That Carson, always getting involved in conspiracies because it seemed funny

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Batman usually cries less, Nancy.

gellaho

She is making a pretty funny face

He got her good?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Hahahah sweet prank dad. Just like Fenton used to pull on Frank and Joe."

gellaho

Nancy once again accuses and acquits based on nothing

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Im surprised she hasnt decided it was Frank and Joe yet.

FancyShark

This is easier than writing out a logical cause and effect

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Oh boy it would be fun if it was Frank and Joe, and they betrayed her at the last minute.

gellaho

"We should get you to a dentist"

gellaho

PHONE

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

And then simultaneously shot her in the face so neither one could ever know if they were the one responsible for it.

gellaho

(low confidence)

FancyShark

Add "texting" to things Anthony doesn't understand

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

My transcription AI could do better than that.

FancyShark

oh wait, transcription

gellaho

(low confidence)

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Also we had decent AI drafting in 2020 ANTHONY.

gellaho

Sectence fragments. Backstory. Writing difficult. Information dumped.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

This is like if someone played Max Payne 2, decided it was too exciting, and made a visual novel and gave it to a doctor who wanted to keep people from masturbating and edited it to be more boring.

gellaho

Just put a black page here, why don't you

gellaho

Then added advertisements to try to get them masturbating again

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I want you to die here tho Nancy.

Otherwise the title doesnt make sense.

gellaho

The secret story of this comic is that there is someone turning everyone black

gellaho

I don't understand what you are doing, Joe Eisma

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

.This is the worst version of Dark Knight Returns ever.

gellaho

Have you never seen a white person in the dark? Seems unlikely

FancyShark

Not just turning them black, but starting to cross into stereotype

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Everyone knows white people cant hide in the dark, we have to hide in snowstorms or against light colored rocks. At the very least we have to wear Navajo White socks.

I wonder if Joe might have drawn parts of this while way too close to the deadline and just put in some stuff he had laying around.

So Nancy Drew looking like a black woman is because he was doing something like a Pam Grier comic and was like "Eh, fuck it. Anthony is such a dumb ass he'll never know and Matt told me to just "send the fucking pages."

gellaho

Bad news

FancyShark

I

WARNED

YOU

ANTHONY

:hungryshark:

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Eat him feet first so he can watch.

But god it would be really funny if it was a "Nancy needs to be stopped, she is dangerous, Ned should do it because he cares the most."

gellaho

Darkness is swallowing me, all that I see

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Hey whats with this sci fi space gun, Joe?

gellaho

Very curvy

FancyShark

The gun is melting

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

You angling for a job drawing Flash Gordon?

gellaho

Nancy briefly considers the bad things she's done

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Yeah Nancy it IS kind of your fault.

gellaho

CARSON SMASH

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Fuck yeah Carson.

gellaho

I don't know why Carson would do anything for her at this point, but that's just me

FancyShark

Every father has to fantasize about doing this to his daughter's BF at some point

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I would love to be able to tell my child "I told you so." after something like this.

It would make the murder accusations so worth it.

gellaho

Duuuuuuh

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Hahahahah did you see how I cold cocked your ex, you ungrateful little shit?"

FancyShark

Reminder: Anthony said anyone accusing him of misogyny from the last story should read this one

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"You still gonna bitch about the time I didnt get you a bike for your birthday?"

gellaho

Meanwhile: what are supposed to be our other main characters continue to do nothing

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

The Hardy Boys in: The Case of The Time They Sat On Their Asses and Ate Chips.

gellaho

Fuck off

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Frank lost the tip of his nose on that one.

gellaho

I take one thousand ghostwriters over you, Anthony

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

God just let them spitroast Nancy for fucks sake, Anthony, so you can stop implying it.

We know thats what you are going for here.

gellaho

You're not even going to snack!? What is this horseshit

FancyShark

He did it

He officially went too far

gellaho

I pray for tropes Anthony. The ghostwriters know how to get crazy with those

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Why do they even like her?

Aside from being a total square and a narc they dont share any interestes.

She doesnt even eat sandwiches.

gellaho

Back to the graveyard

FancyShark

We've reached a point where I didn't realize that was a glove at first

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Fuck you, Anthony.

Nobody cares about Nancy's dead mom.

gellaho

Are they on the surface of Mars?

gellaho

Carson's dead, nobody seems to care

Fenton, whatever

I'm drunk

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Honestly I thought he might have died from a heart attack after clobbering Ned just so Nancy would have an excuse to be moody.