95: A Hardy Boys and Tom Swift Ultra Thriller #2: The Alien Factor Franklin W. Dixon

gellaho

The Book Cage: Episode 95 - A Hardy Boys and Tom Swift Ultra Thriller: The Alien Factor

Time for the second (and final) crossover between The Hardy Boys and Tom Swift. Could it possibly be weirder than the last book, where Fenton Hardy was sent back in time and started writing generic space fantasy? Or when Tom Swift went back in time to harvest material from the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs, only to be stymied by an assassin named Steve? Who knows, but the Gray Man and the Network are here along with an alien babe. Are you a member of U.S.E.R.? Find out this Friday, 5pm eastern.

gellaho

FancyShark

If we get The Assassins in on this caper, not just the Steve, then we may hit peak Hardy

gellaho

Coming up on the hour, it's A Hardy Boys and Tom Swift Ultra Thriller: The Alien Factor. Get zapped

gellaho

PENETRATE THE FIELD OF BLACK PILLARS

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I don't like that we open on a young woman being described as a work of art and then immediately following with a man trying to penetrate her.

While unconscious, might I add.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

An ultra-thriller, containing one ultra thrill and several giga thrills.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

We will be the judge of that

gellaho

She's an alien, that might be how their species fuck

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

"Follow me, readers, into this crazy world where alien babes are super hot and never invented consent laws so you can lawfully paw at them while they're unconscious as long as you can get past these hype as fuck laser grid defenses."

"Hi. I'm Todd Macfarlane."

"ol' san antone" jakesy

Before we get started, important Facebook update

"ol' san antone" jakesy

Lol I thought he blocked me or something. But apparently I'm back baby

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

lol

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Love that he looks like a James Cromwell role

gellaho

gellaho

Time to begin the process

FancyShark

Love Frank's Crouching Opera Singer pose

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

And Joe is just carrying a box.

He's just Tom's fucking teamster.

FancyShark

That's more his speed

gellaho

Tom Swift laughs as the world burns

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Who hasnt cackled in the sobering moment before the flash?

FancyShark

It makes microwaving popcorn much more fun

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

The second before you realize that light is the light a thousand lives make as they burn is the funniest.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Let's face it, we all knew Tom would end up doing this.

gellaho

"This reminded Tom of when he went back in time to harvest chunks from the meteor that killed the dinosaurs"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Its all downhill afterward as people start throwing around phrases like "crimes against humanity" and "tribunal"

Oh yeah and he killed that guy.

gellaho

And watched many dinosaurs slowly and agonizingly die

Fun book for kids

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

RIP Steve

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

And probably gave some Creationists a real "I told you so." moment when they found that henchmans fossilized remains.

FancyShark

"The dinosaurs had Eddie Bauer!"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Great adventure for the kids.

gellaho

In case you were thinking the meteor shower absolved Tom of being psychotic

gellaho

Tom sure missed that empty-headed moron

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Okay but fair dues to Brenda, the French lads wont kiss foreign girls in less than exquisite drip.

FancyShark

"I'm tired of dating the sky"

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

And there's no other reason to go to France except to fuck and be fucked by the French. None whatsoever.

gellaho

Mandy seems like she'd love your nerd glasses

gellaho

FancyShark

He's wearing those optometrist testing goggles

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"Oh Mandy......" Tom sighed as he peered thru her window with his high powered night vision goggles.

"ol' san antone" jakesy

She came and she gave without taking

But Tom sent her away

gellaho

Seems weird to squint when you're wearing magic science zoom glasses

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Whatever Tom.

FancyShark

Who doesn't squint when amazed?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

gellaho

Sound usually arrives before light, sure

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Wait what happened to his vision for it to have come back in time for him to be blinded by the light?

FancyShark

He was revved up like a deuce

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

It travelled at the speed of darkness, which is faster than the speed of light

"ol' san antone" jakesy

One of those two things is faster

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Was he cranking it so hard he greyed out?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

With or without a rubber in the night?

FancyShark

I miss being young

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

When he comes to Dr Dildo is issuing a galaxy wide announcement that he's just finished banging Mandy

gellaho

It took Tom many years to master perspective

FancyShark

"Rita, the Swift boy's staring at the bird feeders again."

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Tom Swift, Boy Hitler.

Evidence #312, not understanding perspective.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Fire those retrorockets just a little sooner and those aliens would have done humanity a great service.

gellaho

Maybe he hasn't quite figured it out yet, actually

GDC

How many tall men tall is that?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Why the fuck would it be a saucer tho? Space craft dont need to be aerodynamic.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Yeah but they do need to be cool

FancyShark

Sure, muttering sizes like any sane person

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Only hippies and college students think frisbees are cool.

And the ancient Greeks but they're all dead and were often wrong anyway.

gellaho

I think it's silver, but I can't be sure

gellaho

Ah, thanks

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Oh hey, it's the start of The Thing.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Tom is not really good at color.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Hope Joe and Frank kept the flamethrowers handy.

FancyShark

The blood testing scene gets awkward when they discover Frank doesn't bleed

gellaho

Looks tasty

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Frank has to eject a little hydraulic fluid to cover.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=XzHDvzGmmw0

FancyShark

"Extraterrestrial fluids! I better get closer without any hazmat protection!" - Boy Genius

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Okay you get a point book, space craft would probably have some kind of sealant for hull punctures and an organic compound makes sense.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

He's a genius in the Prometheus sense

gellaho

Never forget oozing jellies

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Whatever, just let Tom get to fucking them aliens.

FancyShark

Dang. Tom loves thinking about jellies.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

It's the dream of all science nerds to meet and then fuck aliens. That's how you get new sex acts named after you.

FancyShark

And failing that, it's how you get played by Alfred Molina in a doofy movie

LyraV

that's probably for the best Tom.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

On Beta Regulon Five you have to pay thirty whole Quadnarks for a Tom Swifts Electric Rifle.

And there's like five species you can do it with.

gellaho

As tall as one short man is tall

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Almost human. Like a woman, Tom? Is that how you wanted to say that?

Because it sounds like it.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Human contoured head

Heart shaped face

Pick one

FancyShark

Tom is the only person less human than Frank

gellaho

Elfin

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

You can admit you want to fuck the alien already Tom, its fine to say you find their physical form aesthetically and sexually pleasing.

But you still need to ask before you go right for the Electric Rifle.

gellaho

Smooth

FancyShark

Tom takes the eyes and tries to pawn them

FancyShark

Blanche?

Dorothy?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Tom you fucking dork, you make first contact and you stammer like you're asking her to prom.

gellaho

The classic clatter of a heli

FancyShark

Back when they made helicopters out of wood

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Da Vinci would be proud.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Tom knows it's the 31st century but he keeps Thomas daSwifti's old whirlybird around out of nostalgia.

gellaho

Ze box

gellaho

Ze box iz strange

FancyShark

Someone wanted their own Luggage but didn't want Pratchett to sue

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Okay, I do love a good robot dog with woodle arms. I'm on board with this.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

GIF

Gonna be honest, K-9 is the best.

LyraV

I agree 1000%

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Even if only on paper.

FancyShark

He's a good boi

gellaho

Meanwhile: phone calls

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

FancyShark

"No"

<click>

gellaho

They communicate via snack

FancyShark

"I don't need your fucking schedule."

LyraV

I can think of no more conspicuous way to say that Frank, well done.

gellaho

It's not like anything traumatizing ever happened at the mall. No carbombs or anything

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Well fuck you, Burger Slave, because I work for Wacnalds!"

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

I found the burger master!

FancyShark

Uh huh. We all know Joe perked up because he heard mention of snacks.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Having to readjust my thinking that a mall could be anything besides mostly deserted.

gellaho

In case you forgot, the Hardy Boys died in the last book and we're revived via time travel, so they don't remember the last book at all

FancyShark

"Your father was a hoax?"

"Are you even listening?"

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I definitely buy a distinguished government agent throwing out phrases like "whiz kid"

gellaho

I had forgotten, and remembering surprised me again

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

When do they ever remember anything tho?

The Hardy lads have evolved to not need memories or anything. Danger just kind of happens around them, not to them.

gellaho

"Besides, he's too young for you anyway"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

They replaced instincts like fight or flight with fight or burger.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

The Hardy boys have always been crash test dummies who dreamed as men, tbh

FancyShark

Nice to see they brought the 1950's slang with them

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Straight arrow" the kid with a robot army and a super tank, and is a time travelling murderer is a straight arrow?

FancyShark

Tom rewrote what words mean

gellaho

Except, of course, in the groundbreaking film "The Hardy Boys : Dead of Night: The Movie"

The Gray Man is pretty sure this kid is selling atomic secrets to terrorists

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

And it's a good thing too. We'd be in a lot of trouble otherwise

IT'S THE LIBYANS, MARTY

FancyShark

"We suspect terrorism. Go stop it, teenagers."

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

And that's how we got Generation Kill

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Yeah Tom Swift seems like a guy who would have palled around with Muammar Gaddafi.

FancyShark

Tom would have made Gaddafi super uncomfortable.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Which is saying something

FancyShark

"You can't treat human beings like this!"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Tom Swift: Boy Hitler is getting more and more real.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Tom Swiftler was right there

gellaho

Flu for everyone!

gellaho

FancyShark

Tom Swift vs Bhodi Li would be a grudge match for the ages

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Later this year Gellaho reads us the grim and edgy Tom Swift manga adaptation where he swears and nukes Indonesia.

Bra Strap Mystery Akentarion

this is profiling

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Tom Swift & The Hardy Boys: Covid Conundrum

FancyShark

Joe is going to kill the evil aliens with his germs. Calling it now.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Oh that poor alien girl is going to get so many diseases from these three.

Theres no way she could have been inoculated for our biosphere.

gellaho

Earth isn't capitalized, so I assume the merpeople might understand her

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

RIP Gold Tits, we hardly knew ye. Back to the stars.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

The alien doesn't speak any human languages?

FancyShark

The Japanese phrases made her decide to never acknowledge anything he said

LyraV

Free-style German was too much to hope for.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Funny old game, innit.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

She is clicking and popping, so maybe she thinks he's a dolphin.

She read Douglas Adams and didnt understand it was fictional.

FancyShark

She's not an alien. She's just from a Bushman tribe

gellaho

Getting right up in Tom's grill

LyraV

To be fair I'm not entirely convinced myself.

FancyShark

Eat his face.

EAT HIS FACE.

gellaho

Then her hair eats him

FancyShark

Close enough!

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

And she lays eggs in his esophagus, just like a human woman.

LyraV

She was sent by her fiance the Mighty Monarch

gellaho

Movie hair

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

"Wait a second," Tom thought, right before eating shit and not having a brilliant flash of inspiration at all.

Hang on. Is this Starfire? This is literally comics Starfire with the insanely voluminous hair.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Tom is the kind of person to, having had his head wrapped in something, think "I am unconscious. No, Ive suddenly gone blind!"

gellaho

Ah, she's a bug. Gross

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Like a parrot, if you leave a blanket over Tom long enough he assumes its night and goes to sleep.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

FancyShark

In space, bug zaps you!

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

He sees the see the way she would see.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Hahahahha that "eggs in his esophagus" scenario just got a whole lot more possible.

LyraV

All while drinking Hi-C

gellaho

That color was green

LyraV

GIF

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I cant wait til Tom ruptures like a hotdog left in the microwave and her young spills out.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Some hero should just leak the recipe for ecto cooler already.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

That color? Its purple. Tom had a weird childhood.

gellaho

Such a huge gash

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

PURPLE PANE

PURRRRPLE PAAANE

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Writer just described a Star Trek Federation ship variant, im almost certain theres one with three nacelles.

Brendan

What's the skinny?

gellaho

No shit, Tom

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Tom found an alien ho and she is brainfucking him.

FancyShark

Tom found an alien bug lady. Joe and Frank are being sent to investigate Tom, who the Gray Man believes is selling nukes to terrorists

Brendan

Tom's life is a trip.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Is she an insect or a reptile Tom. Its really important you nail that down before you begin Space Coitus.

gellaho

"That's what we call tits"

LyraV

He's being cocooned and taking it pretty well.

FancyShark

"Gazongas. Melons. Boobs. Hooters."

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Full name : M'na M'na Du'Du Du'dudu.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Oh I read this part of Shogun too, she's telling him the word for "woman" and he's going to just be yelling that.

gellaho

Alright, replacing the apostrophes with quotation marks

FancyShark

Not Mona? To keep the sounds consistent with the pauses?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

M'na isnt hard to say, TOM. You racist goober.

FancyShark

Because otherwise, you're saying your name is Tim

gellaho

You can definitely cover up the bug eyes and scales with makeup

gellaho

Also, don't perv out ghostwriter

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Just give that shiny scaled girl a hoodie, Tom. Nobody will notice.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Because you've really bridged the language gap so far by making her almost pronounce your name.

FancyShark

I liked this story better in Starman

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Yeah just leave her locked in your lab, dude, no way can that be a problem.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Starman rules

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

It's not like she's going to think you eat the lab rats or whatever.

FancyShark

Tayyykit eazee

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Tom..........do you even think she sleeps?

gellaho

Better leave a note, or I might forget

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I think you need to make a little more effort to communicate, Tom.

FancyShark

To be fair, Tom is definitely the kind of person to forget about an alien organism

LyraV

Don't ask the robots name or anything.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Like its really rude to leave your house guest alone immediately without even knowing what will make them comfortable.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Only human robots get names.

gellaho

Thanks for the details

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Also she's an alien, she might just die.

gellaho

I'm not sure Rob and Orb count

budd dwyer bag lunch

I think Rachel Weisz has a heart-shaped face

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Tom could come back in the morning and find she's turned into a tree.

FancyShark

What about Frank?

gellaho

Considering they are both just "robot"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Tom......you stupid fuck, are you going to just let her pick things?

How is she supposed to know what Earth food is toxic to her or not?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I bet the robot dog is a food scanner or whatever.

FancyShark

She could touch the wrong fruit and explode like a grenade

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

For all you know its a Garrus situation and your cum is deadly if she ingests it.

Brendan

M'na M'nzz

gellaho

Maybe consider whether she's safe. What with the bug eyes, sharp teeth, and-oh yeah-alien species

FancyShark

hahaha

Every red flag that this girl is going to give birth to a facehugger and he's giving her corn flakes

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

lol just trying so hard to not evoke the Martians from War of the Worlds with that robot.

Brendan

She's got a Terror R2!

gellaho

YOU'VE BEEN CALLING IT A ROBOT THE WHOLE TIME, TOM

Brendan

"Insert your arm in here."

gellaho

You stupid asshole

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Hahaha I totally called it.

FancyShark

"Well," thought Tom. "It seems safe."

Brendan

Maybe the analysis is the realization derived from "Oh that's why she has a robot" and also he is dead now.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Good thing she has a food tester.

gellaho

I don't need to know about her tongue, ghostwriter

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

He offers her a boiled egg and she eats his face because boiled eggs are a deadly insult in her culture.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

"It's okay, she's an alien and she only looks 16 because 16 is adulthood in her species and there's no age of consent laws in space. I'm Todd Macfarlane. Hi."

gellaho

TEACH ME ABOUT THE HU-MAN FE-MALES, DEPARTMENT STORE WORKER

FancyShark

The only way this would be funnier would be if she was a full fledged Alien Queen and Tom just sees a humanoid because of some pheromone

Brendan

She only eats anti-kosher.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Later Tom watches her go fucking nuts on an anthill in his backyard.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

It's the hottest thing he's ever seen.

gellaho

Although this department store employee might also be an alien, asking about purple and green skin

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Also Tom you are a stupid son of a bitch if you think you can learn all you need about makeup in ten minutes.

Brendan

"my girlfriend is yellow," Tom chirped to the saleswoman, heedless of her expression.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

When I need to know that shit I ask my friend who worked at Sephora and everything she says scares and baffles me.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Ghostwriter really thought this little makeup shopping vignette would be an amusing diversion but botched it by completely giving up on the premise

gellaho

Fuck you, ghostwriter

FancyShark

Tom applies the cosmetics to her. Upon mixing with her skin, they produce chlorine gas.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Also Tom if she is a reptile and breathes thru her skin, what the fuck do you think is going to happen when you clog her lungs with this shit?