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gellaho
The Book Cage: Episode 95 - A Hardy Boys and Tom Swift Ultra Thriller: The Alien Factor
Time for the second (and final) crossover between The Hardy Boys and Tom Swift. Could it possibly be weirder than the last book, where Fenton Hardy was sent back in time and started writing generic space fantasy? Or when Tom Swift went back in time to harvest material from the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs, only to be stymied by an assassin named Steve? Who knows, but the Gray Man and the Network are here along with an alien babe. Are you a member of U.S.E.R.? Find out this Friday, 5pm eastern.
gellaho
FancyShark
If we get The Assassins in on this caper, not just the Steve, then we may hit peak Hardy
gellaho
Coming up on the hour, it's A Hardy Boys and Tom Swift Ultra Thriller: The Alien Factor. Get zapped
gellaho
PENETRATE THE FIELD OF BLACK PILLARS
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I don't like that we open on a young woman being described as a work of art and then immediately following with a man trying to penetrate her.
While unconscious, might I add.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
An ultra-thriller, containing one ultra thrill and several giga thrills.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
We will be the judge of that
gellaho
She's an alien, that might be how their species fuck
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"Follow me, readers, into this crazy world where alien babes are super hot and never invented consent laws so you can lawfully paw at them while they're unconscious as long as you can get past these hype as fuck laser grid defenses."
"Hi. I'm Todd Macfarlane."
"ol' san antone" jakesy
Before we get started, important Facebook update
"ol' san antone" jakesy
Lol I thought he blocked me or something. But apparently I'm back baby
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
lol
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Love that he looks like a James Cromwell role
gellaho
gellaho
Time to begin the process
FancyShark
Love Frank's Crouching Opera Singer pose
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
And Joe is just carrying a box.
He's just Tom's fucking teamster.
FancyShark
That's more his speed
gellaho
Tom Swift laughs as the world burns
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Who hasnt cackled in the sobering moment before the flash?
FancyShark
It makes microwaving popcorn much more fun
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
The second before you realize that light is the light a thousand lives make as they burn is the funniest.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Let's face it, we all knew Tom would end up doing this.
gellaho
"This reminded Tom of when he went back in time to harvest chunks from the meteor that killed the dinosaurs"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Its all downhill afterward as people start throwing around phrases like "crimes against humanity" and "tribunal"
Oh yeah and he killed that guy.
gellaho
And watched many dinosaurs slowly and agonizingly die
Fun book for kids
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
RIP Steve
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
And probably gave some Creationists a real "I told you so." moment when they found that henchmans fossilized remains.
FancyShark
"The dinosaurs had Eddie Bauer!"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Great adventure for the kids.
gellaho
In case you were thinking the meteor shower absolved Tom of being psychotic
gellaho
Tom sure missed that empty-headed moron
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Okay but fair dues to Brenda, the French lads wont kiss foreign girls in less than exquisite drip.
FancyShark
"I'm tired of dating the sky"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
And there's no other reason to go to France except to fuck and be fucked by the French. None whatsoever.
gellaho
Mandy seems like she'd love your nerd glasses
gellaho
FancyShark
He's wearing those optometrist testing goggles
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Oh Mandy......" Tom sighed as he peered thru her window with his high powered night vision goggles.
"ol' san antone" jakesy
She came and she gave without taking
But Tom sent her away
gellaho
Seems weird to squint when you're wearing magic science zoom glasses
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Whatever Tom.
FancyShark
Who doesn't squint when amazed?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
gellaho
Sound usually arrives before light, sure
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Wait what happened to his vision for it to have come back in time for him to be blinded by the light?
FancyShark
He was revved up like a deuce
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It travelled at the speed of darkness, which is faster than the speed of light
"ol' san antone" jakesy
One of those two things is faster
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Was he cranking it so hard he greyed out?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
With or without a rubber in the night?
FancyShark
I miss being young
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
When he comes to Dr Dildo is issuing a galaxy wide announcement that he's just finished banging Mandy
gellaho
It took Tom many years to master perspective
FancyShark
"Rita, the Swift boy's staring at the bird feeders again."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Tom Swift, Boy Hitler.
Evidence #312, not understanding perspective.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Fire those retrorockets just a little sooner and those aliens would have done humanity a great service.
gellaho
Maybe he hasn't quite figured it out yet, actually
GDC
How many tall men tall is that?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Why the fuck would it be a saucer tho? Space craft dont need to be aerodynamic.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Yeah but they do need to be cool
FancyShark
Sure, muttering sizes like any sane person
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Only hippies and college students think frisbees are cool.
And the ancient Greeks but they're all dead and were often wrong anyway.
gellaho
I think it's silver, but I can't be sure
gellaho
Ah, thanks
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Oh hey, it's the start of The Thing.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Tom is not really good at color.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Hope Joe and Frank kept the flamethrowers handy.
FancyShark
The blood testing scene gets awkward when they discover Frank doesn't bleed
gellaho
Looks tasty
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Frank has to eject a little hydraulic fluid to cover.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=XzHDvzGmmw0
FancyShark
"Extraterrestrial fluids! I better get closer without any hazmat protection!" - Boy Genius
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Okay you get a point book, space craft would probably have some kind of sealant for hull punctures and an organic compound makes sense.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
He's a genius in the Prometheus sense
gellaho
Never forget oozing jellies
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Whatever, just let Tom get to fucking them aliens.
FancyShark
Dang. Tom loves thinking about jellies.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
It's the dream of all science nerds to meet and then fuck aliens. That's how you get new sex acts named after you.
FancyShark
And failing that, it's how you get played by Alfred Molina in a doofy movie
LyraV
that's probably for the best Tom.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
On Beta Regulon Five you have to pay thirty whole Quadnarks for a Tom Swifts Electric Rifle.
And there's like five species you can do it with.
gellaho
As tall as one short man is tall
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Almost human. Like a woman, Tom? Is that how you wanted to say that?
Because it sounds like it.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Human contoured head
Heart shaped face
Pick one
FancyShark
Tom is the only person less human than Frank
gellaho
Elfin
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
You can admit you want to fuck the alien already Tom, its fine to say you find their physical form aesthetically and sexually pleasing.
But you still need to ask before you go right for the Electric Rifle.
gellaho
Smooth
FancyShark
Tom takes the eyes and tries to pawn them
FancyShark
Blanche?
Dorothy?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Tom you fucking dork, you make first contact and you stammer like you're asking her to prom.
gellaho
The classic clatter of a heli
FancyShark
Back when they made helicopters out of wood
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Da Vinci would be proud.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Tom knows it's the 31st century but he keeps Thomas daSwifti's old whirlybird around out of nostalgia.
gellaho
Ze box
gellaho
Ze box iz strange
FancyShark
Someone wanted their own Luggage but didn't want Pratchett to sue
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Okay, I do love a good robot dog with woodle arms. I'm on board with this.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
GIF
Gonna be honest, K-9 is the best.
LyraV
I agree 1000%
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Even if only on paper.
FancyShark
He's a good boi
gellaho
Meanwhile: phone calls
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
FancyShark
"No"
<click>
gellaho
They communicate via snack
FancyShark
"I don't need your fucking schedule."
LyraV
I can think of no more conspicuous way to say that Frank, well done.
gellaho
It's not like anything traumatizing ever happened at the mall. No carbombs or anything
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Well fuck you, Burger Slave, because I work for Wacnalds!"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
I found the burger master!
FancyShark
Uh huh. We all know Joe perked up because he heard mention of snacks.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Having to readjust my thinking that a mall could be anything besides mostly deserted.
gellaho
In case you forgot, the Hardy Boys died in the last book and we're revived via time travel, so they don't remember the last book at all
FancyShark
"Your father was a hoax?"
"Are you even listening?"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I definitely buy a distinguished government agent throwing out phrases like "whiz kid"
gellaho
I had forgotten, and remembering surprised me again
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
When do they ever remember anything tho?
The Hardy lads have evolved to not need memories or anything. Danger just kind of happens around them, not to them.
gellaho
"Besides, he's too young for you anyway"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
They replaced instincts like fight or flight with fight or burger.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The Hardy boys have always been crash test dummies who dreamed as men, tbh
FancyShark
Nice to see they brought the 1950's slang with them
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Straight arrow" the kid with a robot army and a super tank, and is a time travelling murderer is a straight arrow?
FancyShark
Tom rewrote what words mean
gellaho
Except, of course, in the groundbreaking film "The Hardy Boys : Dead of Night: The Movie"
The Gray Man is pretty sure this kid is selling atomic secrets to terrorists
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
And it's a good thing too. We'd be in a lot of trouble otherwise
IT'S THE LIBYANS, MARTY
FancyShark
"We suspect terrorism. Go stop it, teenagers."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
And that's how we got Generation Kill
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Yeah Tom Swift seems like a guy who would have palled around with Muammar Gaddafi.
FancyShark
Tom would have made Gaddafi super uncomfortable.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Which is saying something
FancyShark
"You can't treat human beings like this!"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Tom Swift: Boy Hitler is getting more and more real.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Tom Swiftler was right there
gellaho
Flu for everyone!
gellaho
FancyShark
Tom Swift vs Bhodi Li would be a grudge match for the ages
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Later this year Gellaho reads us the grim and edgy Tom Swift manga adaptation where he swears and nukes Indonesia.
Bra Strap Mystery Akentarion
this is profiling
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Tom Swift & The Hardy Boys: Covid Conundrum
FancyShark
Joe is going to kill the evil aliens with his germs. Calling it now.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Oh that poor alien girl is going to get so many diseases from these three.
Theres no way she could have been inoculated for our biosphere.
gellaho
Earth isn't capitalized, so I assume the merpeople might understand her
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
RIP Gold Tits, we hardly knew ye. Back to the stars.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The alien doesn't speak any human languages?
FancyShark
The Japanese phrases made her decide to never acknowledge anything he said
LyraV
Free-style German was too much to hope for.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Funny old game, innit.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
She is clicking and popping, so maybe she thinks he's a dolphin.
She read Douglas Adams and didnt understand it was fictional.
FancyShark
She's not an alien. She's just from a Bushman tribe
gellaho
Getting right up in Tom's grill
LyraV
To be fair I'm not entirely convinced myself.
FancyShark
Eat his face.
EAT HIS FACE.
gellaho
Then her hair eats him
FancyShark
Close enough!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
And she lays eggs in his esophagus, just like a human woman.
LyraV
She was sent by her fiance the Mighty Monarch
gellaho
Movie hair
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"Wait a second," Tom thought, right before eating shit and not having a brilliant flash of inspiration at all.
Hang on. Is this Starfire? This is literally comics Starfire with the insanely voluminous hair.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Tom is the kind of person to, having had his head wrapped in something, think "I am unconscious. No, Ive suddenly gone blind!"
gellaho
Ah, she's a bug. Gross
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Like a parrot, if you leave a blanket over Tom long enough he assumes its night and goes to sleep.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
FancyShark
In space, bug zaps you!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
He sees the see the way she would see.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hahahahha that "eggs in his esophagus" scenario just got a whole lot more possible.
LyraV
All while drinking Hi-C
gellaho
That color was green
LyraV
GIF
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I cant wait til Tom ruptures like a hotdog left in the microwave and her young spills out.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Some hero should just leak the recipe for ecto cooler already.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
That color? Its purple. Tom had a weird childhood.
gellaho
Such a huge gash
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
PURPLE PANE
PURRRRPLE PAAANE
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Writer just described a Star Trek Federation ship variant, im almost certain theres one with three nacelles.
Brendan
What's the skinny?
gellaho
No shit, Tom
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Tom found an alien ho and she is brainfucking him.
FancyShark
Tom found an alien bug lady. Joe and Frank are being sent to investigate Tom, who the Gray Man believes is selling nukes to terrorists
Brendan
Tom's life is a trip.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Is she an insect or a reptile Tom. Its really important you nail that down before you begin Space Coitus.
gellaho
"That's what we call tits"
LyraV
He's being cocooned and taking it pretty well.
FancyShark
"Gazongas. Melons. Boobs. Hooters."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Full name : M'na M'na Du'Du Du'dudu.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Oh I read this part of Shogun too, she's telling him the word for "woman" and he's going to just be yelling that.
gellaho
Alright, replacing the apostrophes with quotation marks
FancyShark
Not Mona? To keep the sounds consistent with the pauses?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
M'na isnt hard to say, TOM. You racist goober.
FancyShark
Because otherwise, you're saying your name is Tim
gellaho
You can definitely cover up the bug eyes and scales with makeup
gellaho
Also, don't perv out ghostwriter
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Just give that shiny scaled girl a hoodie, Tom. Nobody will notice.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Because you've really bridged the language gap so far by making her almost pronounce your name.
FancyShark
I liked this story better in Starman
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Yeah just leave her locked in your lab, dude, no way can that be a problem.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Starman rules
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
It's not like she's going to think you eat the lab rats or whatever.
FancyShark
Tayyykit eazee
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Tom..........do you even think she sleeps?
gellaho
Better leave a note, or I might forget
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I think you need to make a little more effort to communicate, Tom.
FancyShark
To be fair, Tom is definitely the kind of person to forget about an alien organism
LyraV
Don't ask the robots name or anything.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Like its really rude to leave your house guest alone immediately without even knowing what will make them comfortable.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Only human robots get names.
gellaho
Thanks for the details
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Also she's an alien, she might just die.
gellaho
I'm not sure Rob and Orb count
budd dwyer bag lunch
I think Rachel Weisz has a heart-shaped face
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Tom could come back in the morning and find she's turned into a tree.
FancyShark
What about Frank?
gellaho
Considering they are both just "robot"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Tom......you stupid fuck, are you going to just let her pick things?
How is she supposed to know what Earth food is toxic to her or not?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I bet the robot dog is a food scanner or whatever.
FancyShark
She could touch the wrong fruit and explode like a grenade
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
For all you know its a Garrus situation and your cum is deadly if she ingests it.
Brendan
M'na M'nzz
gellaho
Maybe consider whether she's safe. What with the bug eyes, sharp teeth, and-oh yeah-alien species
FancyShark
hahaha
Every red flag that this girl is going to give birth to a facehugger and he's giving her corn flakes
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
lol just trying so hard to not evoke the Martians from War of the Worlds with that robot.
Brendan
She's got a Terror R2!
gellaho
YOU'VE BEEN CALLING IT A ROBOT THE WHOLE TIME, TOM
Brendan
"Insert your arm in here."
gellaho
You stupid asshole
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Hahaha I totally called it.
FancyShark
"Well," thought Tom. "It seems safe."
Brendan
Maybe the analysis is the realization derived from "Oh that's why she has a robot" and also he is dead now.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Good thing she has a food tester.
gellaho
I don't need to know about her tongue, ghostwriter
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
He offers her a boiled egg and she eats his face because boiled eggs are a deadly insult in her culture.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"It's okay, she's an alien and she only looks 16 because 16 is adulthood in her species and there's no age of consent laws in space. I'm Todd Macfarlane. Hi."
gellaho
TEACH ME ABOUT THE HU-MAN FE-MALES, DEPARTMENT STORE WORKER
FancyShark
The only way this would be funnier would be if she was a full fledged Alien Queen and Tom just sees a humanoid because of some pheromone
Brendan
She only eats anti-kosher.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Later Tom watches her go fucking nuts on an anthill in his backyard.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It's the hottest thing he's ever seen.
gellaho
Although this department store employee might also be an alien, asking about purple and green skin
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Also Tom you are a stupid son of a bitch if you think you can learn all you need about makeup in ten minutes.
Brendan
"my girlfriend is yellow," Tom chirped to the saleswoman, heedless of her expression.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
When I need to know that shit I ask my friend who worked at Sephora and everything she says scares and baffles me.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Ghostwriter really thought this little makeup shopping vignette would be an amusing diversion but botched it by completely giving up on the premise
gellaho
Fuck you, ghostwriter
FancyShark
Tom applies the cosmetics to her. Upon mixing with her skin, they produce chlorine gas.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Also Tom if she is a reptile and breathes thru her skin, what the fuck do you think is going to happen when you clog her lungs with this shit?
Brendan
Some are autumns, some are winters, you're a fennel.
gellaho
And if he's such a super genius, quadratic equations wouldn't be hard
He's in fucking high school
Brendan
Tom invents time travel but women and their crrrraaazy sizes!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Literally just give her a hoodie, a scarf, and some sunglasses.
FancyShark
Go easy on him. He was meant to be a butcher.
Brendan
Butchering that alien pussy.
FancyShark
Heyoooo!
Brendan
There it is. The crassest punchline of my 2023. I regret NOTHING.
gellaho
Like "medium" and "small"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
And its only May.
FancyShark
Tom buys so many booty shorts
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The crassest punchline so far
Brendan
Tom, she's an alien, just get her something that fits and worry about fashion later.
She doesn't even need clothes.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Tom..........did you buy makeup for her legs? Maybe shorts arent a great idea.
FancyShark
I hope she just eats all the clothes
gellaho
Tom looks through his sister's clothing
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Tom doesnt know about breasts.
gellaho
Brendan wants to see that bug vagina
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Because even as a teen I knew women have different sizes of shirts because of boobs.
Brendan
This alien is unique; she's so new there isn't even a Rule 34 of her yet.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Tom has always been doing this. Now he just had an excuse to do it publicly.
gellaho
Umhmm
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"insectussy" is the scientific term, I believe.
FancyShark
"They said you're a national security threat. Should I let them in?"
Oh no
What happens if Joe falls for the alien lady?
gellaho
Update: two days later and nothing has happened
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Who? Oh the hamburger dipshits. Yeah let them in."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Car Bomb.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
If it's an alien isn't it technically a xenussy
FancyShark
And then the Intergalactic Genocide begins
gellaho
Gorpoblorcho
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Only if it doesnt fit into a proper existing taxonomy, I think.
FancyShark
Writer had a stroke but kept right on typing.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I think history judges Gorpoblorcho unfairly.
Glasnost was a good idea on paper.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Dan.........are you okay? Do you smell Toast?"
gellaho
Classic squid move
FancyShark
How are the humans having less natural dialogue than the alien?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Yeah so just go ahead and mess with my teen boss and his lab, that way he wont become a mega nerd."
FancyShark
Fuck yeah, new title @gellaho
gellaho
"Because corpse ladies are hot, man"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Also Dan underestimates Tom. He would invent a machine to give him home vision corrective surgery before he wore glasses.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Whoa, what the fuck Dan, you don't have to throw out the ableist slurs like that
FancyShark
Dan jumps in the factory runoff and never resurfaces
gellaho
Sounds like something a spazoid would say
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Dan you have been told so many times, that's not a swimming pool. It's a coolant reservoir, that water is highly radioactive."
gellaho
I don't like how horny this ghostwriter is
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Yeah you know what Joe? Tom thinks he's so smart, you should take him down a peg or two by dating and then letting his sister explode.
FancyShark
"Hi, Sandra. I don't think I'm still contagious."
gellaho
Tom's sister looking to get carbombed
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
We had to be told all of this instead of shown because that's how talented storytellers operate
Brendan
Specifically, Fantomah
FancyShark
Some guys have hair on their shoulders, Sandra
gellaho
That's not a thing
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Tom retaliates by turning Sandra's hair into snakes later.
Blond snakes.
"Gentlemen prefer blonds!" he will shriek as he leaps out the window into the night.
Brendan
Tom's new machine negates all hair to make dating equitable.
THERE IS ONLY FLESH
FancyShark
It's Coastspeak!
gellaho
Good to know that ghostwriters across the board can't figure out "blonde"
gellaho
Just a bunch of shades, barbers, and loxies
Joe's a great detective
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"AND FUCKING A BLONDE TERRORIST!" Joe shouts, forgetting he didnt speak his train of thought out loud."
FancyShark
It feels good to be back in the fun kind of stupid Hardy adventure
gellaho
"All the kids must be hot," thought the ghostwriter. "Kids also love hoedowns, based on what I've read."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Tom Swift's secret spy date could be a real life Atomic Blonde, Joe burgered thoughtfully to himself.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
The kind were we might find that Tom didnt find an alien or anything just some weird girl who likes Star Trek.
FancyShark
"A hoedown? You mean we can get even whiter?"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Only if we bring Miley Cyrus into it
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Fuck you Rick, you said it was a hootenanny!"
gellaho
Somebody needed to turn the hose on this ghostwriter
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"THE HELL I DID! Its a hoedown!"
gellaho
gellaho
A classic California activity
FancyShark
A horny teenager? What is this science fiction?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Also Tom starting to tell her shes going to be cold. In California.
gellaho
Are they horny for Tom Swift? Yes it is
LyraV
She actively kissed you Tom and you can sort out whats going on with her. Telling.
gellaho
Really reads like they walked in on him jerking it
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Tom......they were trying to rescue their dad.
Brendan
Poor Mandy getting her personality overwritten by a writer, a gram of coke, and a nine-day deadline.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
You're such an asshole, Tom.
Brendan
In Tom's defense he's about to be the first person to make it with an alien mantis queen.
LyraV
If they'd actually waltzed in together this whole story would be much better.
gellaho
What, is Simon & Schuster worried Weekly World News is going to sue them for writing Batboy?
gellaho
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Tom doesnt even communicate well with human women, I dont see why hes so quick to think an alien will be any better.
gellaho
I would have thought he'd be worried about the tabloids because that's how The Black Dragon communicated in the last book
FancyShark
Don't tease us with the possibility of a Ratboy adventure, author!
gellaho
Boy that book was fucking weird
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Also the Ratboy thing was a one off." Tom thought. "Totally an accident."
gellaho
"Eh, you weren't interested in my shooting stars earlier, madame"
FancyShark
I'm pretty sure several papers would still write "Boy Scientist Discovered Living With Girl Alien" if she wasn't an extraterrestrial, Tom. Some people are assholes and some are desperate for headlines.
Tom, does she have to spell it out?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Yes.
LyraV
You're so dope at communication Tom, clearly.
gellaho
Jesus Christ
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Mandy why did you even like him in the first place?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Thank god. I was worried she'd actually commit to Tom.
FancyShark
Women be communicating, amirite?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Like again, even as a dipshit teen, I knew that girls get mad when you blow them off for no good reason.
FancyShark
It's pretty universal
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Yeah weirdly enough, not limited to girls, TOM.
gellaho
☑️ Redhead
FancyShark
Rick is stuck in a loop
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Mandy is going to fuck Frank so hard.
Just bang the shit out of him until he's woozy and concussed.
FancyShark
Then fight an infinite Callie army, like a good version of that Neo vs Smiths fight
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Or that bit in Metabarons where Aghora fights a woman who replicates herself while Aghora is also giving birth.
FancyShark
God, Aghora was so awesome
gellaho
Didn't expect to see the word "bimbo," but here we are
FancyShark
"I feel like I've been kicked in the balls. Now he's going to know how that feels."
Brendan
He finally found someone else who speaks in base-60.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
It is kind of funny that Mandy thinks Tom, who is such a dork he barely notices his girlfriend is DTF tonight, is cheating on her tho.
gellaho
What are you, a Babylonian? I'll see myself out
Brendan
Women: the gentle sex
Nobody gets teen girls like a middle-aged male writer.
gellaho
A caravan of teens
Brendan
Take it from me, author of 1930s hit series, Dinky Dax's Sloppy Jalopy: The Clue in the Razoo
gellaho
The Hardy Boys do not understand those who don't live the Hardy Boys lifestyle
"ol' san antone" jakesy
If I were Tom, I would simply go up to Mandy and kiss her to stop him from shaking
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Of course Rick drives a Jaguar.
FancyShark
There's a genuinely fun comedy of errors in this, but the writer is too creepy to notice
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Frank and Joe simply get bored and shoot everyone to death to solve the potential problem.
"ol' san antone" jakesy
As it is right now Tom's caught up in a world of uphill climbing
gellaho
The Hardy Boys somehow tail two cars on foot
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I bet Tom uses a ton of gas in that van of his.
FancyShark
This whole thing is taking place in a roundabout
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
And Tom? When you put your supervillain lair on top of a mountain, you should have some kind of way up it that doesnt involve driving a van up.
gellaho
You know how alarms sound unearthly?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Creeping along at like three miles an hour.
Oh shit they're going to Silent Hill.
FancyShark
It used to require a rickety cart pulled by a lone horse. But times change.
gellaho
Tom keeping his bug-girl secret by threat of death
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I always forget Frank is supposed to be the technical minded one.
FancyShark
It's refreshing that all of Tom's supervillain tendencies are going to sink him when he's being suspected of something he didn't do
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Fortunately for Rick the laser cannons and hunter-killer drones are another mile up ahead.
gellaho
Watch out! He's got a remote control!
FancyShark
"How do I communicate my vision? Lots of things have remotes. Better specify a VCR."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
And this is why you always carry a gun, Frank and Joe. You could shoot Tom right now and it would be perfectly legal. He has you in a fucking booby trap, that's way beyond Castle Doctrine laws already.
gellaho
A reference that will last forever
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
What Tom doesn't know is that that really is just the remote for the VCR and the Barbarian Brothers are already peeling out of the city with the universal remote prototype.
"ol' san antone" jakesy
Some computers are for sure rigged to blow
gellaho
Tom Swift: Master of Deception
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Tom you stupid bastard.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"Awwww jeez guys, why can't you just leave me alone T_T"
"ol' san antone" jakesy
GIF
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Just vaporize them, you can have clones ready before Saturday.
FancyShark
If this was a comic or movie, Tom would have just winked at the camera
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
GIF
gellaho
I wonder why that Tom Swift series didn't last very long
FancyShark
Mandy's not going to let this one go
gellaho
Very dirty
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Tom "Makes his Girlfriend Cry" Swift. Boy Hitlerrrrrr.
Brendan
The Hardy Boys do not understand LA posturing.
"ol' san antone" jakesy
So you're saying she's a face through the window
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Weird that we had to take the time out to shit on whoever tuned the engine on this jag
"ol' san antone" jakesy
Crying in the night
Brendan
They are noble Connecticut natives. They understand only hard work and bad driving.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
And Boigin.
So much boigin.
gellaho
That's what most people remember about Hitler
F- joke
"ol' san antone" jakesy
I'm going to jam this Manilow bit in whether it works or not but tbh it's working pretty damn well
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
FancyShark
"My humor is timeless" thought the author
gellaho
"An idiot? Perfect!"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I like how quickly the Hardy boys have decided they dont like Tom again.
Brendan
Name two differences.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hardy Boys Do It From Behind.
gellaho
A very cool joke
FancyShark
Don't give the writer ideas
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Hardy Boys Do It In The Dead Of Night
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Very cool joke, Frank.
Brendan
"REAL funny, LOUD MOUTH," retorted Joe. "Tell it to the Marines!"
Who am I to poke fun? My jokes haven't even lasted ten years.
Because of the WOKE MOB. It's all your faults!
gellaho
"That little shorts and T-shirt outfit"
"ol' san antone" jakesy
Shouldn't have been standing on the edge of time
Brendan
It's getting so you can't even make fun of the disadvantaged and disabled and otherwise less fortunate than you these days.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Because Corey Hart whips ass, Frank. This is known.
"ol' san antone" jakesy
Guys who tell cool jokes should know the answer to that already
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Reliable Joe to notice the alien girl looks cute in her shorts.
gellaho
I am also confused as to why she's wearing sunglasses when they're alone, but more concerned about the old-time horniness
Brendan
My one mistake was being born too late for the easy discoveries, like boron and sarcasm.
gellaho
JOE SMASH
Brendan
That was a sarcastic joke, borons.
"ol' san antone" jakesy
Dames these days with their little t-shirt petticoats
Brendan
You know that tall, golden blonde in too-small, too-scant clothing with a cosmic-scale brain in her head is kinda cute.
gellaho
JOE SMASHED
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Alien girl melts the Hardy Boys with a gamma emitter?
LyraV
Yes do it
Brendan
gasp the final element, this is my crush now.
LyraV
throw hiiiiiim
Brendan
Strong AND breaks Joe's skull.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
And in that moment Joe knew true love.
FancyShark
IS SHE THE ONE?!
Brendan
I'm ready for her to lay her eggs in me.
gellaho
Frank responds with karate to the head
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Fuck yeah, M'na is rad.
Brendan
Which is something I've only previously said about Shirley Manson.
It's two pulp adventurers vs. the actual bridge between Weird Science and DCU.
gellaho
Joe loses all his bones, but immediately stands up. For he is immortal
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Two burgerish dipshits vs the star born strength of a space goddess.
FancyShark
Fuck yes. It's Hulk vs Thor time
Brendan
This is Iron Frank and Captain Joemerica vs. Adam'na Warlock.
Brendan
The battle we HAD to show--because YOU demanded it, true believOH MY GOD HE DIED
gellaho
It's telling that Frank and Joe immediately noticed the bug eyes and it took Mina projecting her vision into Tom's head for him to notice
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"OH JESUS FUCK NO!" He finished as she lunged for him, ovipositor at the ready, quivering for his moist orifices.
FancyShark
She must've really hit him. Normally Joe doesn't stop attacking until a chapter break.
gellaho
Do I want to know why Tom was putting makeup all over her while they were alone and protected by deadly security
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Also she has a really well made robot, it didnt explode from being too near a Hardy.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
He was gonna take her to prom
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Book's not over yet
gellaho
"Somehow nobody noticed the giant spaceship exploding in our solar system"
Brendan
I don't know why they're going to prom when they've already mated in their mutual cultures' courting battle.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
In space no one can hear you kerblooie
Brendan
So this book came out in the X-Files era, I take it.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Tom.........do you think maybe regardless of how much you wanna fuck the alien girl, maybe hiding her in your treehouse is not the best response?
gellaho
Frank can't believe Tom hasn't figured this out already
FancyShark
"Tom, we mostly handle international espionage and murders committed by disgruntled movie stars. Space aliens are a bit outside our wheelhouse."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Because worst thing that happens to her is the feds dissect her before she impregnates Joe Biden.
gellaho
1993, so was written before it
FancyShark
Frank just became my favorite character ever.
gellaho
Like everything in The Book Cage
Someday you guys will learn that all ideas originate from garbage
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Watch Frank just strike up a conversation likes shes fucking R2D2.
Brendan
I guess we were just at a collective "The government lies to us" stage.
Joe translates because he speaks aikido star-toss.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
A time which never came again!
gellaho
Psychotronics don't work on gleep glops
FancyShark
The Twiktill?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
He has absolutely no idea he just said "Hey dipshit, keep your hands where I can see them." in her language.
gellaho
As tall as one very tall man was tall
Brendan
I don't even know what the joke is now that there's a standing militia of the elderly and stupid who are like "Government is evil" which, yes, but then also "It doesn't hurt enough people, I'm going to burn this country down because I love it."
FancyShark
You could make up any alien name and you chose "Tinkerbell, no wait"?
Brendan
Like how do you frame that in the crossover Venn of these lunkheads with Tom Swift?
It's like the world's worst Fringe episode.
gellaho
Dweeeeeeeeeeeeeb
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Don't look at me man, I only work here
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Shush Joe, let the turbo nerds converse.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Frank, I have a one panel humorous comic for this technological era that I think you may enjoy
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
In the meantime, that alien girl is cute, go talk to her, Joe.
Brendan
HE INVENTED A PSYCHIC SWEATBAND AND NEVER THOUGHT TO TRY IT
FancyShark
Frank's blood feud with Linus Torvalds would claim four generations and the water supply of half of Europe
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
She kicked your ass, maybe she could survive a car bomb or two.
Brendan
Dos or C, amirite
gellaho
You are so wise
Frank solves all the problems with a laser-iron while Joe attempts to talk to an alien
FancyShark
It's happening! The Prelude to the End War!
FancyShark
Dare we hope he has to karate fight her father?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
This will become my favorite book if he does.
FancyShark
"It also keeps broadcasting a plea for death. Is that normal?"
Brendan
She understands perfectly, she just is trying not to say bless your heart.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Shut the fuck up nerd, I have a nerd brother, remember? I know what neurons are."
gellaho
I promise you are not ready for what comes next
Brendan
That was Frank's last thought as the golden wires laced his cortex.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Orb is becoming a man that's all.
gellaho
I'm looking at it and I can't believe it
Brendan
Guys, I know I invoke this a lot
LyraV
No I don't think it is
FancyShark
oh god no
Brendan
But from a plot element standpoint, this is the second closest we've ever stood to Rex Moran showing up.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
When a hyper intelligent robot and an organic computer love each other very much, or just think they're hot and up for it, this is what happens.
Brendan
NO
i refuse
gellaho
Yo
LyraV
you hold onto that beautiful dream
Brendan
We have three options.
And only one of them is Stallone.
FancyShark
This is the first time I've felt betrayed by one of these books
Brendan
Run, Frank, she's from Jersey now!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Do you think M'na knows how to use the three seashells?
Brendan
I mean she plainly fucks.
Her people probably have access to mollusks we can't imagine.
gellaho
Sure, might as well
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Oh shit, I hope they give her a copy of Cobra and tell her this is normal for humans.
Brendan
Picture this book but the Overlords raise her up on Bloodsport.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
GIF
Brendan
Behold our hot dog star queen
gellaho
Then apparently she uses some kind of expletive
LyraV
The mollusk Kumite is a tempting thought.
Brendan
You can't prove she didn't say a slur.
FancyShark
Goddammit, did Tom just create 4chan?
gellaho
Well, unfortunately, it's permanent
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Its the 90s so its probably not the n-word, they wouldnt blink at that.
Just say shes from New Joisey.
Californians cant tell anyway.
FancyShark
No, that word still got some looks in the 90s. We thought racism was mostly over by then
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Oh of course they set it to Russian accent.
LyraV
Damn it Tom can you go 5 fucking pages without telling a woman to stop talking? Come on.
gellaho
Brother Box ™️
LyraV
I've spent this whole book trying to get you to communicate, now shut up and listen
FancyShark
Guess they didn't want to get sued by DC
gellaho
The brain annex
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Oh shit shes a New Gods fan.
Brendan
Okay, I'm starting to think this is a freelancing comic writer.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Jork Kibbly?
Brendan
Can't comprehend how angry I'd be if I met an alien sex queen and she was from Bayonne.
LyraV
You could have said he was 'box-shocked' author it was right there.
gellaho
Oh, we're doing this cliché too, eh?
gellaho
FancyShark
Naturally she requires a host body for her self-sufficient brain
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Oh for fuck's sake they call it Brother Box.
gellaho
"I don't really see what that has to do with transportation, but sure."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Hey uh......Mina? We're doing our best here, maybe dont be so critical considering the circumstances."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
What, is she on the run from Darksyde too?
FancyShark
"Mina, you drink skim milk. Your opinions are already suspect."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Oh no, Mina, I meant teach us fusion, we are asking for an uplift."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Give her fried chicken and a Mt. Dew and watch her die like she's a former South American president.
gellaho
Bimbo's back
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Brooklynese, lol.
gellaho
Too cool to live
LyraV
Whoa Mandy take it down a notch.
FancyShark
Mandy's body would later be found ripped in half, length-wise
Brendan
I'm okay with it because thirty years later we haven't learned. The trope proves itself.
gellaho
maaaaaaaaaaaannnnn
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
To be fair, I'd also rather hang out with a golden space goddess with superhuman strength than Handy Mandy.
gellaho
Why does she get all the nerds!?
LyraV
Because women hate all other women, of course.
gellaho
When they're taking all the cute dorks, yeah
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Mandy is going to have to invent her own book carrying robot at this rate.
gellaho
Felt like including the page number. Not for any particular reason
FancyShark
Nice
LyraV
Mandy walking up to him just to slag this other person off feels extreme but hey I guess you gotta fight for a dude like....that.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Of course the space alien has a grasp of Earth fashion.
FancyShark
Zubaz. All zubaz
gellaho
A rare pragmatic Joe
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Early 90s so its a lime green leotard.
Headband.
Bright purple and hot pink bracelets.
gellaho
It's not hard to be better than Tom Swift. He did buy her jammies his favorite my little ponies on them.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
She has a slap bracelet in there.
Big dangly earrings.
And a jean jacket.
gellaho
What could possibly go wrong
FancyShark
Joe Hardy: Space Racist
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Lol instant suspicion.
FancyShark
I'm holding onto my prediction about his summer cold killing any evil aliens they encounter
gellaho
No confederacy has ever gone wrong, you're right
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Joe.........if shes your age, do you think maybe she just doesnt know?
gellaho
Some area code details for the kids
gellaho
Joe loves Little House on the Prairie
FancyShark
Ah, good. The Feds are always the good guys in Alien Visitor stories
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"YAYYY! I LOVE finding out new area codes! What new area codes will be in this ripping Tom Swift and Hardy Boys adventure!" said every child of 1993.
Are we sure Joe isnt a 13 year old girl from Iowa?
gellaho
Some pasta, so obviously the pizzeria it is
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Because in 1993 that was the main demographic for Little House on the Prairie aside from Ronald Reagan.
No burgers? She isnt getting any of that Hardy on.
FancyShark
If Chet seduces the space goddess, this book will win my heart
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Goddam vegetarian aliens.
Dont think I dont know you'd eat us if you had the chance, Mina.
Play it cool all you want.
gellaho
On the way back, a fun surprise
FancyShark
Nice job, Joe
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hahahahah no it can't Tom.
gellaho
Manlike shapes or "men"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
But how many tall mans tall were the manlike men???
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Frank and Joe vs the California IRA?
FancyShark
Now they all get on their bicycles and peddle off into the sky
pedal
gellaho
Mina responds with an offense of offensive language
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Starts humming My Little Armalite
gellaho
Espionage Resources, llc
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
All fun and games until Mina yanks one of their arms off.
Frank maybe shut up with your handlers code name, you dork.
FancyShark
"We cosplay black ops. We really can't thank you enough for playing along with this."
gellaho
A Casefile to look forward to
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Hitting someone with the barrel of a gun seems like a great way to break your gun.
They have shoulder stocks for a reason, lads. Use them.
FancyShark
Guess the Hardy Boys aren't U.S.E.R. friendly
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Oh so these guys are the CIA, gotcha.
gellaho
This ghostwriter wants to fuck every character in this book
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
GIF
FancyShark
GIF
gellaho
Jack Cates
gellaho
Named by someone who really liked Lost
FancyShark
haha, no but seriously, what's your name?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Jack you are really a dumb motherfucker.
gellaho
If this isn't a government job, and you're going to murder us, why did you say what we were doing was illegal?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
He may be a merc, but he can't abide a lawbreaker
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Yeah Tom? I know you arent up on all the spy lingo but you should understand how "eliminate" is used as a thin euphemism for "murder these dipshits and stuff them in oil drums."
gellaho
It is a bold move to give them a vehicle and expect them to crash it themselves
FancyShark
So we're two for two now on evil mercs who suck at their jobs
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"I cut your brakes, so be a good chap and drive to your death."
FancyShark
"No, you're Cates. He's Frank."
"Shut up, Joe."
gellaho
Now that's a Hardy Boys chapter ending
FancyShark
Yeeeeesssss
There's the good stuff
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Or you could like throw them off a cliff or just shoo.......well not shoot them in the face because the Hardy Boys are immune to gun.
gellaho
This ghostwriter really likes this cursing bit
gellaho
Which you want in a children's book
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Remember to smile for the Splash Mountain cameras!
FancyShark
It's not a bad bit. It just clashes with the tone of the book.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Children love learning new curse words.
gellaho
Tom Swift engages asphyxiation protocols
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Learning the words "shitfucker" was like a gift from God.
gellaho
"That doesn't explain why it's in your van"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Tom? Tom? Does this mean you put a fucking jet engine in your van? Tom!?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Perfectly legible through a mouthful of air bag
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Tom, seriously, did you put a jet engine in your van? Have you had a jet van the whole time?
Legally if you had a jet van you have to tell me.
gellaho
Incredible gyrations
FancyShark
Those never go wrong!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Tom is in the process of independently inventing Action Park.
gellaho
Don't play with your food, Joe
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
The only waterpark where you could be cut by teeth embedded in a waterslide. By accident.
LyraV
No one has ever called it that Joe, what the fuck?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Joe make your dinner take you out for dinner before you blow it.
Have some self respect Joe, and only blow dinners you like.
Or get money for, I dont judge.
gellaho
Boom boom
FancyShark
Fuck yes
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Why not just shoot them with the rocket while they were right in front of you
gellaho
My prized van!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I feel like it'd be an easier shot
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hahahahah sweet, Cates watched the same movies I did growing up.
FancyShark
Tom, you were not a van man. You didn't even have a wizard painted on it.
gellaho
Musement
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
State troopers are going to be baffled by how this van accidentally rolled off a cliff and was destroyed by an antitank rocket, the perfect crime].
gellaho
Joe's brain is melting
gellaho
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
He caught some kind of star virus from Mina.
FancyShark
All the head trauma finally reached Joe's brain. All at once.
LyraV
It was only a matter of time.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
gellaho
My anti-bug force field
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I dunno it sounds like Joe just got some Havana Syndrome.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
What a great chekovs gun. Don't even mention it's there until it's fired. Great writing
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Tom.......Tom? You have a way to keep insects away from people?
Tom? Do you understand how important that would be, Tom?
I dont feel like you get how big of a deal this is Tom.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Tom singlehandedly solved mosquitoes and is just sitting around with his thumb up his ass
LyraV
Yeah but Tom doesn't care about OTHER people only himself.
gellaho
I'm just going to share all of this because I cannot follow what's happening
gellaho
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Tom has basically unlimited wealth, I dunno why the government is concerned he might be selling nuclear secrets.
LyraV
If they're bitten by mosquitos it's because they should have been born rich and smart y'know?
FancyShark
His dad is desperately trying to signal to him that they're being watched and Tom is thinking "what? We have bug zappers"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Like I would sell nuclear secrets for like 10k and a handjob, and that's why I dont have any nuclear secrets, because I'm poor.
FancyShark
Holy shit, I called it!
gellaho
Can't figure out what bugs have to do with cars, or how those cars got into their highly guarded facility without anybody noticing
Or where they are coming from
Just vehicles appearing at will
FancyShark
Mandy is determined to get that D
LyraV
Uh oh, we all know what 'we've got to talk' means. Tom doesn't though so I'm sure this will play out hilariously.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Harlan needs to learn the first rule of gun safety. Never point your gun at something you dont intend to kill. Warning shots are for dipshits.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Ghostwriter heard Chandler's advice about having a man with a gun appear every time you don't know what to do with a scene and is applying it liberally
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Mandy, right now some shady mercenaries are besieging my dads compound, can we do this later?"
"ITs ALWAYS SOMETHING WITH YOU!"
FancyShark
"Oh, I'm remembering that."
gellaho
This picture should replace that first one
FancyShark
"Oh right, the thing that was visible the whole time."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Super secret squirrel shit, sitting in a parking lot with a visibly marked car. Nobody suspects a thing.
LyraV
Fox Mulder style
gellaho
My new phone decides to get extremely hot and forgets to do things I tell it. It's great
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
No wonder these U.S.E.R. guys get shown up by an agency that employs teen dipshits.
gellaho
Anyway, twice as witchy
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
GIF
Like this.
FancyShark
Mandy's for sure going to apologize for her behavior
gellaho
"Weren't we just there? Where are we?"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Space is warped and time is bendable!
FancyShark
Author must've forgotten to cut one of the drafts
gellaho
Tom takes them straight back to where the were almost murdered
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Wait, why do we need your brain scrambling bowling ball right now?"
FancyShark
"Orb has the keys"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"The last thing that it did was teach our alien friend to talk like a fucking dollar store Ninja Turtle."
gellaho
Is USER still there? Of course
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
gellaho
But who could have seen that coming
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Huh its almost like leaving some dudes to take shit from labs is a good idea, TOM.
gellaho
Spark up a fat one, brother
FancyShark
Not sure how you manage to forget your line when you're a written character, but nice job, evil guy
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
You are just never ready to be the first dude killed by an alien bio computer.
gellaho
Dehydration never killed anyone
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Joe just needs some gatorade and a quick Malwarebytes scan.
He'll be right as rain.
LyraV
Unless....I stab you and drink your blood Tom, you won't be missed.
gellaho
An hour never killed anyone
LyraV
Look it's been a long couple weeks but I realize that was a bit dark hehe
FancyShark
Kinda seems like you should always have that feature on
LyraV
sorry no one is going to stab Tom and drink his blood much less Frank Hardy
FancyShark
I mean, I thought it was good
gellaho
Good thing nobody saw the giant golden robot
LyraV
I FORGOT ABOUT THE ROBOT
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
If watching giant robot shows has taught me anything giant robots and kaiju are surprisingly stealthy.
gellaho
San Francisco? Good thing they have a little rich boy
FancyShark
"It was fine. I simply blinded every witness."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Its cute they assume the rest of the government will act in good faith and not just be like "Oh we dont care you were up to shady shit."
gellaho
Hugh Hunt? I gotta find out what book this is
FancyShark
Book 6
The Crowning Terror
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Note to ghostwriter. Fuckable aliens and van explosions, yes. Spy shit, dont bother.
Stick to your wheelhouse.
gellaho
Tom Swift's Portable Key Smelter
FancyShark
Did we lose Brendan?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
ALMOST as strong?
gellaho
Already got it then
Splinter Cell: Frank Hardy
gellaho
"The Irritated Nonsmoker Demanded" is how they'll translate the name of my biopic in Japan
FancyShark
These guys are written like Neil Breen characters
LyraV
We subscribed to a tier that's completely unreasonable and all we get are more orders.
gellaho
Mr Sunshine
FancyShark
If it's the Mr. Sunshine from Saint's Row 2, this is going to get really scary
LyraV
Unless it's Captain Sunshine from the Venture Bros then it's a whole different type of scary
gellaho
The supers pies? The super spees? Oh, super spies.
LyraV
Evidence of WHAT?
gellaho
"I don't like the sound of that at all, no siree"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Mr. Sunshine is such a terrible ironic nickname for a torturer.
LyraV
Mr. Lollipops and Mr. Rainbows were both already taken.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Unless he gives people really bad sunburns.
gellaho
I don't know, this plot seems a little underboiled to me
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
1993.....the world? Too peaceful?
lol
FancyShark
That's a good question, narrator. Where DOES the alien come into this?
gellaho
Laidlaw
FancyShark
Not Loblaw?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Said the analyst to the specimen collector.
gellaho
Eh, kids?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Joe read like half of The Arms of Krupp and got bored.
gellaho
Laidlaw: We fuck law
FancyShark
Kids love war profiteering
gellaho
I knew that area code was important
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Its funny how often we get told about the evils of the military industrial complex but never get around to doing anything about it.
gellaho
maaaaaaaaaaaannnnn
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I mean if two squares like Frank and Joe are saying it it must be bad.
FancyShark
Pointing it out is easier
gellaho
Frank finds free samples illogical
FancyShark
So the whole space alien thing is abandoned at this point
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Frank doesnt shop at Costco, confirmed.
Brendan
what happened after M'na was three Frank Stallones in a trenchcoat?
gellaho
Frank asks for complete access to all government computer systems
LyraV
It's all arms dealers and ponderous code names now.
FancyShark
Apparently there's a rival government agency called USER and now it's a corporate espionage story
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Tom Swift grows up to be Tom Clancy at this rate.
FancyShark
Also, they tried to blow up Tom and the Hardys with a rocket launcher
gellaho
That's not the expression
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Boy I sure do love how this book turned into The Hunt For Red October instead of continuing to be about a rad alien girl having fun adventures.
LyraV
Could have cut it like a cake with a knife at a child's birthday party at Chuck E Cheese in Chicago. THAT MUCH DOUBT
gellaho
The Gray Man gives away all the government secrets to two teens on a hunch
FancyShark
At least we know where the author stopped writing for a while
Gray Man just told them all the Gameshark codes for the best Pokemon starters
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
The.......army construction battalion?
LyraV
The cigarette smoking man walks by the Grey Man and just shoots him.
FancyShark
<BANG>
"Stop it!"
Brendan
This is where the unfinished manuscript gets ported in.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
This is why you never throw a shitty book idea away, you never know when your unused Rainbow Six manuscript will come in handy.
gellaho
Tom Swfthands
gellaho
Pretend I said Tomgo Swifthands
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Distant relative of Torgo Scrotehands.
Brendan
so she's not an alien?
FancyShark
She is. She's just absent now.
gellaho
And by leveraging intense government secrets, the boys learn information they already knew
Brendan
Tom Swift in the land of amazonian love bugs
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I think they fibbed to Uncle Sam and said she was from Brooklyn.
FancyShark
Saving this for reasons
Brendan
fuckin' A
LyraV
Oh Frank come on now, Everyone considers you a serious annoyance.
gellaho
And my contacts within the secret government secrets tell me we must pause for now
FancyShark
GASP
TO BE CONTINUED
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Okay but that cover is pretty cool.
LyraV
Ohhhhhh snap must wait another week to discover the fate of Mina or M'na? Whichever.
FancyShark
Great job, everyone!
👽 Sexual Trash Ninja Mo
hell yeah I believed in all of you
or something
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Whoaaa dude, I almost dropped my hackey sack!"
gellaho
So pauses the 95th Edition of The Book Cage
gellaho
May your alien babes not learn problematic accents
FancyShark
Have a great night, everybody!
Thank you, @gellaho !
LyraV
This one was a trip, thanks @gellaho and @FancyShark
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Thanks @gellaho !
gellaho
The Book Cage: Episode 95.5 - A Hardy Boys and Tom Swift Ultra Thriller: The Alien Factor Part 2
In the first part of this Ultra Thriller ™️, we learned that in the Hardy Boys universe that the US Intelligence community comprises not only the FBI, CIA, but also The Network and U.S. Espionage Resources or U.S.E.R. Strangely, U.S.E.R. appears to be privatized, but the ghostwriter also refers to them as "another government intelligence agency." Anyway, they have the Insectoid-Reptilian babe although Tom Swift seems more concerned about the missing space ship. Joe's found himself another girlfriend, will she explode? Find out this Friday, 5pm eastern.
gellaho
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It's government-privatized. It's like "fresh-frozen"
gellaho
Under an hour until A Hardy Boys and Tom Swift Ultra Thriller: The Alien Factor. The Ultra thrills and ultra chills begin with throwing away a spaceship.
FancyShark
Heyyyyy! The writer remembered the first plot!
Brendan
it's been a day. I'm ready for it.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I cant wait to find out that the alien girl is just a weird Eastern European with a skin disorder and a set of contacts.
Brendan
Didn't plan on drinking, BUT let's make today a good one.
gellaho
Time to resume the Ultra Thriller
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Lift those crates, boys! Beam those lasers! Space Poon depends on it!!
Blight
We got this buddy, you can just crouch!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Aaaaand jazzhands!!
gellaho
The hull hole really makes you think
gellaho
You know, organic computer material
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
This production of Starlight Express has great value but I dont think they read the script well.
gellaho
That thing you can recognize on sight
Everyone has seen bleeding organic computer material
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Hahaha ghostwriter is trying to describe "Cylon Raider" but he's only managing "blurry space something with chewy center"
FancyShark
Newer models even sweat!
They sweat acid. We're still working on that.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Which is why you never go for water cooled CPUs.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
This one was grape flavored. Dont ask how Tom knows that.
gellaho
When I see green goo, I instantly think brain matter and alien blood.
gellaho
It's why nickelodeon was so terrifying
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The Secret Slime Action is: "being a poorly written character in a terrible book"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Holy shit Joe is kind of right about something.
FancyShark
You Can't Do That, Tom Swift
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Broken clocks
Brendan
Meat plane gets purple heart, that's what I'm reading.
gellaho
All corporate spies look like scaly bug people, it's true
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Tho it IS phrased in the stupidest possible way that isnt caveman speak.
Tom, you huffy bitch, you think NOW is the best time to get indignant that a rogue government agency thinks you are involved in corporate espionage?
FancyShark
Tom, you have a mad scientist castle. Even light sarcasm should be off limits to you.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Tom you have a fucking TANK!
FancyShark
You have robot servants!
Brendan
I haven't seen a photo of Nick Kroll's dad, but this checks out.
gellaho
The government's pretty big, I guess. Although I'm still not sure if USER is a private business or not
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Tom, quit being such a libertarian.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
If USER were an administrator we'd be in real big trouble.
FancyShark
"Our government is easily prone to failure," says the teenager in a 1990 YA novel.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Nobody likes a science libertarian Tom.
gellaho
Especially considering this is still framed like USER was hired to get this spaceship by Laidlaw
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Big if true
Eric Laidlaw: Merchant of Death just makes him sound radical
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Well yeah Tom if you want a dude to make space weapons with alien tech you DO tend to give a starship to a weapons manufacturer.
Also TOM YOU HAVE AN ELECTRIC RIFLE!
FancyShark
Excuse me, Tom, but he has a third interest. He loves crochet.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
YOU MADE A SHIRT THAT TURNS A MAN INTO A FIGHTING MACHINE!
You killed a dude so hard he disproves evolution.
FancyShark
Tom is Sober Tony Stark
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Your evil science castle has laser cannon turrets.
FancyShark
YOU MADE ROBOT BEES!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
People who arent dangerous to society dont get their robot servants betraying them.
gellaho
Now Tom is thinking about what the government would have done if they had the spaceship, except they spent the last four pages saying that USER is the government
gellaho
So I am quite befuddled
FancyShark
Don't tease a University War and then not deliver, author!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Tom, I know its the early 90s and maybe X-Files wasnt necessarily on your radar, but I feel like even then the government would have been expected to bung it in a warehouse in New Mexico and forget about it.
But only after creating a whole base complete with scientists and permanent funding.
gellaho
And now they're saying that people in the government were blackmailed, after spending so much time saying the government foolishly gave the spaceship away
gellaho
So that's like three different versions for what happened
FancyShark
If you can't decide on a plot, choose all of them
gellaho
Just imagine what they're doing to her, kids
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
When you wanna blame the government, the military industrial complex, and also a corporation...
Lets be honest, probably asking her questions about how her people fuck.
Or if she can name presidents.
One of those two.
FancyShark
They are absolutely asking how she fucks
If they get around to it, they might ask if she is hostile
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
And finding out nothing because she lives in a society where contact with different species is common and she knows "Well I inject the male with paralytic venom and chew his head off, then lay eggs in his carcass." is not something very many people want to participate in.
gellaho
And they still haven't taken off her sunglasses. And her makeup hasn't accidentally come off. And she hasn't opened her mouth so they could see her pointy teeth and weird tongue
gellaho
Never hurts to ask
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Or opened her mouth to talk and didnt sound like a 40 year old man in a teen girls body.
Like if Freaky Friday decided to replace Jamie Lee Curtis with Ron Perlman.
gellaho
Motel shootout?
FancyShark
Okay, but I would watch the hell out of that
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Please motel shootout. Please? As a treat, book?
Like we all know Tom has enough lasers for Frank and Joe.
FancyShark
The chapter ends with the entire motel front being sprayed by bullets
gellaho
Joe, you and I both know that's not true
FancyShark
Please go in a Drive direction
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Joe this is your normal Tuesday, and a regular Wednesday for Tom.
Nobody thinks you're cool for downplaying this.
gellaho
Sure, tank motorcycles
gellaho
Why not
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
TANK BIKE!
FancyShark
"This bike is very sturdy and if you crash there's only a 98% chance you'll be cooked in a hellish molten prison as you try to dismount"
gellaho
I feel like somebody would notice this, boys
FancyShark
"Dang! We should have hid from the motorcyclists somewhere more low key. Like Sturgis!"
gellaho
Jack brought his beeper
FancyShark
"Don't ask us how it works"
GDC
It's a Hardy detector
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
It detects Square Particles.
FancyShark
Easier than waiting for car bombs
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
But not as good for the local car economy.
FancyShark
I hope there's a used car dealer in Bayport capitalizing on the car explosions
GDC
He also sells car bombs, he's playing both sides
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
What's it keyed on?
Micro changes in Callie density.
gellaho
I don't really see the connection from A to B there Joe, but you're the child detective I guess
FancyShark
"I'M SO CRAZY, I PUT A BOMB IN EVERY CAR! FREE!"
GDC
More like macro changes in callie density. Any time Callie is reduced to a fine mist, the Hardys are there.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Joe, famously having never heard of wiretaps.
FancyShark
Joe thinks there's only one phone in Washington
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
DEALS YOU CAN ONLY FIND AT BIG BILL HELL'S. FUCK YOU, BAYPORT.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Joe thinks The Gray Man is just listening in like someones grandma on the same line and occassionally yelling "I wanna call Bill."
gellaho
"Now that they thought about it, bringing the heavily branded Swift Enterprises trailer was probably didn't help them hide."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Tom you didnt even bring ONE laser?
You just went quietly like a wuss.
FancyShark
You know who locks a swivel chair to the floor? Dentists. You followed dentists, Cates.
gellaho
So, you're telling me hacking into every government agency was a bad idea!?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Tom Swift, master hacker.
GDC
He makes some compelling arguments
FancyShark
If you had called from the basement phone AND the upstairs phone, our whole operation would have shut down
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
For once a villain has done this because the hero is an obvious dipshit and I'm reeling.
gellaho
So now he's a rogue agent. Would be great if you could make up your mind about whether or not the government is involved, ghostwriter
FancyShark
The rewrite was not thorough
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
The ghostwriter could have made three books with these plots, amateur.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
gellaho
Yeah, sure, this should be in the book for children. They love whatever it is you're trying to do
FancyShark
Tom "Clancy" Swift
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Okay dude, South American cartels are probably a bigger threat to national security than the Soviets ever were, but go off, king.
gellaho
I also have no idea what scope of work USER is supposed to do
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Secret Squirrel shit always gets real unclear, even before you take into account intelligence agencies always exceed their mandates.
FancyShark
I love how badly the writer is veering off the "space alien crashed on Earth" plotline
gellaho
Stroke it
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Also "We'd rather murder communists" is a little on the nose, ghostwriter.
FancyShark
Pets his gun like a cat
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Like you arent equipped for this level of social commentary, you didnt write Lethal Weapon 2.
gellaho
And now they're doing hits on other government agencies?
FancyShark
Joe, has anyone ever said that with the assumption the person was going to lead a long, full life?
gellaho
Why didn't you just make this either a private spy group or a terrorist organization, ghostwriter?
The Assassins were right there, man
FancyShark
The Assassins would call this plan stupid and over-complicated
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
More research into the lore than ghostwriter was willing to do
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
And Tom has that dollar store Dr. Doom motherfucker.
gellaho
So, he's reporting to his superiors? Which would indicate he's not rogue
FancyShark
They know what the guy in charge of the super secret black ops organization knows and he's gonna need to fill out some forms
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It's like a Rogue Supreme situation.
gellaho
Oh, they let Tom keep his robot. Smart.
FancyShark
sudo exsanguinate.exe
Brendan
Shit, sorry, I've been here all this time but trying to like...find a place to live and a job to afford it. What happened?
gellaho
Lotta talk about exploded brains in this book for children
FancyShark
They done got captured by USER. Who are either terrorists or rogue agents or another government entity
gellaho
Kids love it
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I hate when my mobile HQ rolls because the driver took a corner too quick.
gellaho
You can't kill an immortal
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
FancyShark
Remember kids: If you're holding a gun and lose balance at all, start shooting
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GTA 4 ragdolls were the best for that
gellaho
Tom Swift's thoughts disorientingly smash into this paragraph
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Cates is just really bad at this.
gellaho
Straight whiplash busting out of third person omniscient out of nowhere
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Im pretty sure those werent Soviet agents now.
Cates was just garrotting random people with beards.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Just in case.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
One time he accidentally injected a pumpkin with neurotoxin.
FancyShark
It still won second place at the fair.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
It was the worst attempt to kill Castro on record.
gellaho
Good thing he tought that orb Morse code for no reason
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
And for decades afterward Linus would wonder why Halloween had lost all its magic.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
YOu had a murder bot the whole time?
gellaho
ROB SMASH
FancyShark
Morse code means he tapped until Orb got annoyed enough to murder
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Tom and Orb are going to grow up to be the bad guys from Phantasm.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Orb is the robot he gave a machine butthole to specifically so he could poke it with things to turn it off or reset it. I'd say Orb is perpetually annoyed.
gellaho
You'd have thought they'd keep rob with them in the motel room, but nah
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
You have to pay an extra fee for pets and murder bots.
FancyShark
🎵 Keep your windows barred. Lock your doors up tight. Cuz Tin Can Hit Man's coming for you tonight.🎵
gellaho
Oh, and the tentacle bot was also there
FancyShark
His tendons are on the outside now
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Tentabox doesn't even have a name yet. Terrible novel craftsmanship
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Man I had forgotten it was called Brother Box.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
God. God fucking damn it.
I forgot it was called Brother Box and just assumed it didn't have a name because I didn't want to remember it was called Brother Box.
gellaho
"Fixing Mina's potty mouth"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Fuck. Fucking. God. Shit.
gellaho
The ghostwriter really likes this cursing bit
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
gellaho
Regular Mina over here
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Tbh I sympathize. If I had to deal with this stupid Swardy Boys crap in person I'd be a little foul mouthed too.
FancyShark
I still think the cursing bit has potential if it wasn't in this book
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Its very nearly a good joke, because Mina swears like a middle aged dude from Brooklyn in 1993.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
And if it wasn't hammered in every chapter
gellaho
Real creepy, Tom
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Tom, you didnt have to use the word "pretty"
FancyShark
"So pretty and innocent, those aerials"
"Tom, get out of the car"
gellaho
Local referents
FancyShark
These Tom Swift stories are like the show Gotham. All the pieces are in place for the obvious supervillain turn. You're just waiting for whatever accident is supposed to happen to make the magic start.
gellaho
Buy yourself some road maps today
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The Hardies couldn't have "dopey criminal henchmen" written all over them any harder than if you put them in those henchman outfits from Batman 66
FancyShark
Which was annoying, because they were sitting in Connecticut
gellaho
MORE ROAD MAPS! MORE! ROAD! MAPS!
FancyShark
This is why MapQuest became an industry joke
gellaho
It's just that easy to interface with alien technology. Just mush the wires together
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I refuse to buy "referents" as a word.
gellaho
Reference is hard to spell
"Nevada? Ew"
GDC
Surely Joe knows about area 51
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
God not Nevada.
FancyShark
Nevada's new state motto
gellaho
"Now that you mention it, that does seem like a pretty obvious connection"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Not even a Hardy Boys ghostwriter would make us go to New Mexico in our imaginations.
GDC
Yeah, these are supposed to be for a younger audience
FancyShark
Laidlaw, like any smart rich person, keeps a public record of his address
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hahahah what kind of dingus merchant of death lives in the Nevada desert?
GDC
One who appreciates cheap real estate?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
He can't be very good at this whole arms dealer thing.
gellaho
Vegas Raiders came three decades early
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Nevada was really hoping for the Monster Wars licensing money to make this stadium worthwhile
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Not every town has a proper industrial base JOE! They have to attract tourists somehow.
Also its the compound of a weird arms dealer who apparently is into aliens, why would he NOT build something like that?
GDC
Look, you need to understand how deeply corrupt the city planners are.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Nic Cage bankrupts himself with dinosaur bones and he's not even an arms dealer.
GDC
It took a shitload of kickbacks to build an arena there.
gellaho
Alrighty. Just go full into sci-fi nonsense
FancyShark
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0399295/
gellaho
Shut the fuck up, you fucking nerds
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I want you to die Tom.
You smug asshole.
FancyShark
"Why don't they measure in 5ft steps?"
gellaho
You shut up too, Joe
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Joe.........its a fucking glass dome.\
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
"The youths definitely say shit like mucho heavy bucks, right"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
in the 90s it would have been something like "mondo dough"
gellaho
It's a good thing security systems are never tripped accidentally
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
it would have been more fun if they were the kind of lasers that cut shit.
FancyShark
Laidlaw has lost so many interns to faulty poison gas sensors
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Listen, it'll be fine, just remember your breathing hood if you gotta dip down to the bathroom
GDC
He buys his lasers from wish.com, and interns are cheap
gellaho
The robots then spend 12 hours carefully installing these fiber optic stickers
gellaho
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Unfortunately the lasers still detected the lenses and the boys were choking out their last in moments.
gellaho
You mean like the one at your compound nobody notices?
FancyShark
Turns out the lasers aren't even part of the security system. They're just ruining a Pink Floyd concert.
gellaho
Even deadlier
FancyShark
"I wonder if he fixed the sterility problem," Tom thought.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Just once id like for lasers to activate the nozzles that release a flood of centipedes into the room.
gellaho
Imagine the nude painting, children
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"A book on crime", Frank you can admit you were looking at nude pantings.
FancyShark
Joe is disappointed the paintings are not edible (i.e. Too high to reach)
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
We've all cranked it to Guernica once or twice, Frank, it was the 90s and we couldnt do better.
You dont have to live like this anymore, Frank. You can be free, and honest with yourself.
gellaho
Mina has been turned into a statue, for some reason
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hahahahahh what?
gellaho
They apparently threw the spaceship away and froze it's only occupant
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
He what now?
lol.
gellaho
I'm not sure why they wanted it so bad
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Lmao?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
He's frozen Mina in carbonite!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Okay that IS peak rich person.
But cmon book.
FancyShark
That's some Goldfinger shit
gellaho
Better question, why is any of this happening
GDC
They even did the stolen art bit from dr. no
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Belt?
It was a belt thing?
What the fuck is the point of this?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Point?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
It's amazing how just this one detail has thrown my whole sense of this off.
FancyShark
The author is just openly defying the prompt they were given
gellaho
Cylinders
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Stop saying "penetrated"
FancyShark
"Like this-"
<zip>
Joe and Frank: "NO!"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
There are so many other words you could use. Like "stuck my hand thru" or "Bypassed."
gellaho
Hey, look: it's the cover
gellaho
(black laser cylinders not pictured)
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
They're behind the black. Chilling with Homestar.
FancyShark
We could have had star adventures. But no, we had to settle for SPECTRE's little brother
gellaho
OK, so the lasers are programmed not to shoot the art. But, the suit of armor isn't included in that?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
The face of a person admiring a butt and not being covert about it.