95: A Hardy Boys and Tom Swift Ultra Thriller #2: The Alien Factor Franklin W. Dixon

#2 A Hardy Boys and Tom Swift Ultra Thriller

Tags: The Year of Pain

The future is in the stars... the possibilites unlimited... the dangers beyond belief!

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gellaho: The Book Cage: Episode 95 - A Hardy Boys and Tom Swift Ultra Thriller: The Alien Factor; Time for the second (and final) crossover between The Hardy Boys and Tom Swift. Could it possibly be weirder than the last book, where Fenton Hardy was sent back in time and started writing generic space fantasy? Or when Tom Swift went back in time to harvest material from the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs, only to be stymied by an assassin named Steve? Who knows, but the Gray Man and the Network are here along with an alien babe. Are you a member of U.S.E.R.? Find out this Friday, 5pm eastern.
gellaho
FancyShark: If we get The Assassins in on this caper, not just the Steve, then we may hit peak Hardy
gellaho: Coming up on the hour, it's A Hardy Boys and Tom Swift Ultra Thriller: The Alien Factor. Get zapped
gellaho: PENETRATE THE FIELD OF BLACK PILLARS
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: I don't like that we open on a young woman being described as a work of art and then immediately following with a man trying to penetrate her.; While unconscious, might I add.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: An ultra-thriller, containing one ultra thrill and several giga thrills.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: We will be the judge of that
gellaho: She's an alien, that might be how their species fuck
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: "Follow me, readers, into this crazy world where alien babes are super hot and never invented consent laws so you can lawfully paw at them while they're unconscious as long as you can get past these hype as fuck laser grid defenses."; "Hi. I'm Todd Macfarlane."
"ol' san antone" jakesy: Before we get started, important Facebook update
"ol' san antone" jakesy: Lol I thought he blocked me or something. But apparently I'm back baby
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: lol
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Love that he looks like a James Cromwell role
gellaho
gellaho: Time to begin the process
FancyShark: Love Frank's Crouching Opera Singer pose
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: And Joe is just carrying a box.; He's just Tom's fucking teamster.
FancyShark: That's more his speed
gellaho: Tom Swift laughs as the world burns
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Who hasnt cackled in the sobering moment before the flash?
FancyShark: It makes microwaving popcorn much more fun
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: The second before you realize that light is the light a thousand lives make as they burn is the funniest.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Let's face it, we all knew Tom would end up doing this.
gellaho: "This reminded Tom of when he went back in time to harvest chunks from the meteor that killed the dinosaurs"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Its all downhill afterward as people start throwing around phrases like "crimes against humanity" and "tribunal"; Oh yeah and he killed that guy.
gellaho: And watched many dinosaurs slowly and agonizingly die; Fun book for kids
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: RIP Steve
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: And probably gave some Creationists a real "I told you so." moment when they found that henchmans fossilized remains.
FancyShark: "The dinosaurs had Eddie Bauer!"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Great adventure for the kids.
gellaho: In case you were thinking the meteor shower absolved Tom of being psychotic
gellaho: Tom sure missed that empty-headed moron
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Okay but fair dues to Brenda, the French lads wont kiss foreign girls in less than exquisite drip.
FancyShark: "I'm tired of dating the sky"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: GIF
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: And there's no other reason to go to France except to fuck and be fucked by the French. None whatsoever.
gellaho: Mandy seems like she'd love your nerd glasses
gellaho
FancyShark: He's wearing those optometrist testing goggles
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: "Oh Mandy......" Tom sighed as he peered thru her window with his high powered night vision goggles.
"ol' san antone" jakesy: She came and she gave without taking; But Tom sent her away
gellaho: Seems weird to squint when you're wearing magic science zoom glasses
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Whatever Tom.
FancyShark: Who doesn't squint when amazed?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: GIF
gellaho: Sound usually arrives before light, sure
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Wait what happened to his vision for it to have come back in time for him to be blinded by the light?
FancyShark: He was revved up like a deuce
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: It travelled at the speed of darkness, which is faster than the speed of light
"ol' san antone" jakesy: One of those two things is faster
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Was he cranking it so hard he greyed out?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: With or without a rubber in the night?
FancyShark: I miss being young
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: When he comes to Dr Dildo is issuing a galaxy wide announcement that he's just finished banging Mandy
gellaho: It took Tom many years to master perspective
FancyShark: "Rita, the Swift boy's staring at the bird feeders again."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Tom Swift, Boy Hitler.; Evidence #312, not understanding perspective.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Fire those retrorockets just a little sooner and those aliens would have done humanity a great service.
gellaho: Maybe he hasn't quite figured it out yet, actually
GDC: How many tall men tall is that?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Why the fuck would it be a saucer tho? Space craft dont need to be aerodynamic.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Yeah but they do need to be cool
FancyShark: Sure, muttering sizes like any sane person
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Only hippies and college students think frisbees are cool.; And the ancient Greeks but they're all dead and were often wrong anyway.
gellaho: I think it's silver, but I can't be sure
gellaho: Ah, thanks
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Oh hey, it's the start of The Thing.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Tom is not really good at color.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Hope Joe and Frank kept the flamethrowers handy.
FancyShark: The blood testing scene gets awkward when they discover Frank doesn't bleed
gellaho: Looks tasty
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Frank has to eject a little hydraulic fluid to cover.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=XzHDvzGmmw0
FancyShark: "Extraterrestrial fluids! I better get closer without any hazmat protection!" - Boy Genius
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Okay you get a point book, space craft would probably have some kind of sealant for hull punctures and an organic compound makes sense.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: He's a genius in the Prometheus sense
gellaho: Never forget oozing jellies
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Whatever, just let Tom get to fucking them aliens.
FancyShark: Dang. Tom loves thinking about jellies.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: GIF
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: It's the dream of all science nerds to meet and then fuck aliens. That's how you get new sex acts named after you.
FancyShark: And failing that, it's how you get played by Alfred Molina in a doofy movie
LyraV: that's probably for the best Tom.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: On Beta Regulon Five you have to pay thirty whole Quadnarks for a Tom Swifts Electric Rifle.; And there's like five species you can do it with.
gellaho: As tall as one short man is tall
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Almost human. Like a woman, Tom? Is that how you wanted to say that?; Because it sounds like it.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Human contoured head; Heart shaped face; Pick one
FancyShark: Tom is the only person less human than Frank
gellaho: Elfin
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: You can admit you want to fuck the alien already Tom, its fine to say you find their physical form aesthetically and sexually pleasing.; But you still need to ask before you go right for the Electric Rifle.
gellaho: Smooth
FancyShark: Tom takes the eyes and tries to pawn them
FancyShark: Blanche?; Dorothy?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Tom you fucking dork, you make first contact and you stammer like you're asking her to prom.
gellaho: The classic clatter of a heli
FancyShark: Back when they made helicopters out of wood
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Da Vinci would be proud.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Tom knows it's the 31st century but he keeps Thomas daSwifti's old whirlybird around out of nostalgia.
gellaho: Ze box
gellaho: Ze box iz strange
FancyShark: Someone wanted their own Luggage but didn't want Pratchett to sue
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Okay, I do love a good robot dog with woodle arms. I'm on board with this.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: GIF; Gonna be honest, K-9 is the best.
LyraV: I agree 1000%
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Even if only on paper.
FancyShark: He's a good boi
gellaho: Meanwhile: phone calls
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: GIF
FancyShark: "No"; <click>
gellaho: They communicate via snack
FancyShark: "I don't need your fucking schedule."
LyraV: I can think of no more conspicuous way to say that Frank, well done.
gellaho: It's not like anything traumatizing ever happened at the mall. No carbombs or anything
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: "Well fuck you, Burger Slave, because I work for Wacnalds!"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: GIF; I found the burger master!
FancyShark: Uh huh. We all know Joe perked up because he heard mention of snacks.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Having to readjust my thinking that a mall could be anything besides mostly deserted.
gellaho: In case you forgot, the Hardy Boys died in the last book and we're revived via time travel, so they don't remember the last book at all
FancyShark: "Your father was a hoax?"; "Are you even listening?"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: I definitely buy a distinguished government agent throwing out phrases like "whiz kid"
gellaho: I had forgotten, and remembering surprised me again
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: When do they ever remember anything tho?; The Hardy lads have evolved to not need memories or anything. Danger just kind of happens around them, not to them.
gellaho: "Besides, he's too young for you anyway"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: They replaced instincts like fight or flight with fight or burger.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: The Hardy boys have always been crash test dummies who dreamed as men, tbh
FancyShark: Nice to see they brought the 1950's slang with them
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: "Straight arrow" the kid with a robot army and a super tank, and is a time travelling murderer is a straight arrow?
FancyShark: Tom rewrote what words mean
gellaho: Except, of course, in the groundbreaking film "The Hardy Boys : Dead of Night: The Movie"; The Gray Man is pretty sure this kid is selling atomic secrets to terrorists
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: And it's a good thing too. We'd be in a lot of trouble otherwise; IT'S THE LIBYANS, MARTY
FancyShark: "We suspect terrorism. Go stop it, teenagers."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: And that's how we got Generation Kill
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Yeah Tom Swift seems like a guy who would have palled around with Muammar Gaddafi.
FancyShark: Tom would have made Gaddafi super uncomfortable.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Which is saying something
FancyShark: "You can't treat human beings like this!"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Tom Swift: Boy Hitler is getting more and more real.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Tom Swiftler was right there
gellaho: Flu for everyone!
gellaho
FancyShark: Tom Swift vs Bhodi Li would be a grudge match for the ages
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Later this year Gellaho reads us the grim and edgy Tom Swift manga adaptation where he swears and nukes Indonesia.
Bra Strap Mystery Akentarion: this is profiling
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Tom Swift & The Hardy Boys: Covid Conundrum
FancyShark: Joe is going to kill the evil aliens with his germs. Calling it now.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Oh that poor alien girl is going to get so many diseases from these three.; Theres no way she could have been inoculated for our biosphere.
gellaho: Earth isn't capitalized, so I assume the merpeople might understand her
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: RIP Gold Tits, we hardly knew ye. Back to the stars.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: The alien doesn't speak any human languages?
FancyShark: The Japanese phrases made her decide to never acknowledge anything he said
LyraV: Free-style German was too much to hope for.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Funny old game, innit.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: She is clicking and popping, so maybe she thinks he's a dolphin.; She read Douglas Adams and didnt understand it was fictional.
FancyShark: She's not an alien. She's just from a Bushman tribe
gellaho: Getting right up in Tom's grill
LyraV: To be fair I'm not entirely convinced myself.
FancyShark: Eat his face.; EAT HIS FACE.
gellaho: Then her hair eats him
FancyShark: Close enough!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: And she lays eggs in his esophagus, just like a human woman.
LyraV: She was sent by her fiance the Mighty Monarch
gellaho: Movie hair
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: "Wait a second," Tom thought, right before eating shit and not having a brilliant flash of inspiration at all.; Hang on. Is this Starfire? This is literally comics Starfire with the insanely voluminous hair.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Tom is the kind of person to, having had his head wrapped in something, think "I am unconscious. No, Ive suddenly gone blind!"
gellaho: Ah, she's a bug. Gross
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Like a parrot, if you leave a blanket over Tom long enough he assumes its night and goes to sleep.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: GIF
FancyShark: In space, bug zaps you!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: He sees the see the way she would see.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Hahahahha that "eggs in his esophagus" scenario just got a whole lot more possible.
LyraV: All while drinking Hi-C
gellaho: That color was green
LyraV: GIF
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: I cant wait til Tom ruptures like a hotdog left in the microwave and her young spills out.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Some hero should just leak the recipe for ecto cooler already.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: That color? Its purple. Tom had a weird childhood.
gellaho: Such a huge gash
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: PURPLE PANE; PURRRRPLE PAAANE
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Writer just described a Star Trek Federation ship variant, im almost certain theres one with three nacelles.
Brendan: What's the skinny?
gellaho: No shit, Tom
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Tom found an alien ho and she is brainfucking him.
FancyShark: Tom found an alien bug lady. Joe and Frank are being sent to investigate Tom, who the Gray Man believes is selling nukes to terrorists
Brendan: Tom's life is a trip.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Is she an insect or a reptile Tom. Its really important you nail that down before you begin Space Coitus.
gellaho: "That's what we call tits"
LyraV: He's being cocooned and taking it pretty well.
FancyShark: "Gazongas. Melons. Boobs. Hooters."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Full name : M'na M'na Du'Du Du'dudu.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Oh I read this part of Shogun too, she's telling him the word for "woman" and he's going to just be yelling that.
gellaho: Alright, replacing the apostrophes with quotation marks
FancyShark: Not Mona? To keep the sounds consistent with the pauses?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: M'na isnt hard to say, TOM. You racist goober.
FancyShark: Because otherwise, you're saying your name is Tim
gellaho: You can definitely cover up the bug eyes and scales with makeup
gellaho: Also, don't perv out ghostwriter
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Just give that shiny scaled girl a hoodie, Tom. Nobody will notice.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Because you've really bridged the language gap so far by making her almost pronounce your name.
FancyShark: I liked this story better in Starman
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Yeah just leave her locked in your lab, dude, no way can that be a problem.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Starman rules
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: It's not like she's going to think you eat the lab rats or whatever.
FancyShark: Tayyykit eazee
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Tom..........do you even think she sleeps?
gellaho: Better leave a note, or I might forget
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: I think you need to make a little more effort to communicate, Tom.
FancyShark: To be fair, Tom is definitely the kind of person to forget about an alien organism
LyraV: Don't ask the robots name or anything.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Like its really rude to leave your house guest alone immediately without even knowing what will make them comfortable.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Only human robots get names.
gellaho: Thanks for the details
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Also she's an alien, she might just die.
gellaho: I'm not sure Rob and Orb count
budd dwyer bag lunch: I think Rachel Weisz has a heart-shaped face
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Tom could come back in the morning and find she's turned into a tree.
FancyShark: What about Frank?
gellaho: Considering they are both just "robot"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Tom......you stupid fuck, are you going to just let her pick things?; How is she supposed to know what Earth food is toxic to her or not?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: I bet the robot dog is a food scanner or whatever.
FancyShark: She could touch the wrong fruit and explode like a grenade
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: For all you know its a Garrus situation and your cum is deadly if she ingests it.
Brendan: M'na M'nzz
gellaho: Maybe consider whether she's safe. What with the bug eyes, sharp teeth, and-oh yeah-alien species
FancyShark: hahaha; Every red flag that this girl is going to give birth to a facehugger and he's giving her corn flakes
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: lol just trying so hard to not evoke the Martians from War of the Worlds with that robot.
Brendan: She's got a Terror R2!
gellaho: YOU'VE BEEN CALLING IT A ROBOT THE WHOLE TIME, TOM
Brendan: "Insert your arm in here."
gellaho: You stupid asshole
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Hahaha I totally called it.
FancyShark: "Well," thought Tom. "It seems safe."
Brendan: Maybe the analysis is the realization derived from "Oh that's why she has a robot" and also he is dead now.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Good thing she has a food tester.
gellaho: I don't need to know about her tongue, ghostwriter
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: He offers her a boiled egg and she eats his face because boiled eggs are a deadly insult in her culture.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: "It's okay, she's an alien and she only looks 16 because 16 is adulthood in her species and there's no age of consent laws in space. I'm Todd Macfarlane. Hi."
gellaho: TEACH ME ABOUT THE HU-MAN FE-MALES, DEPARTMENT STORE WORKER
FancyShark: The only way this would be funnier would be if she was a full fledged Alien Queen and Tom just sees a humanoid because of some pheromone
Brendan: She only eats anti-kosher.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Later Tom watches her go fucking nuts on an anthill in his backyard.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: It's the hottest thing he's ever seen.
gellaho: Although this department store employee might also be an alien, asking about purple and green skin
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Also Tom you are a stupid son of a bitch if you think you can learn all you need about makeup in ten minutes.
Brendan: "my girlfriend is yellow," Tom chirped to the saleswoman, heedless of her expression.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: When I need to know that shit I ask my friend who worked at Sephora and everything she says scares and baffles me.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Ghostwriter really thought this little makeup shopping vignette would be an amusing diversion but botched it by completely giving up on the premise
gellaho: Fuck you, ghostwriter
FancyShark: Tom applies the cosmetics to her. Upon mixing with her skin, they produce chlorine gas.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Also Tom if she is a reptile and breathes thru her skin, what the fuck do you think is going to happen when you clog her lungs with this shit?
Brendan: Some are autumns, some are winters, you're a fennel.
gellaho: And if he's such a super genius, quadratic equations wouldn't be hard; He's in fucking high school
Brendan: Tom invents time travel but women and their crrrraaazy sizes!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Literally just give her a hoodie, a scarf, and some sunglasses.
FancyShark: Go easy on him. He was meant to be a butcher.
Brendan: Butchering that alien pussy.
FancyShark: Heyoooo!
Brendan: There it is. The crassest punchline of my 2023. I regret NOTHING.
gellaho: Like "medium" and "small"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: And its only May.
FancyShark: Tom buys so many booty shorts
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: The crassest punchline so far
Brendan: Tom, she's an alien, just get her something that fits and worry about fashion later.; She doesn't even need clothes.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Tom..........did you buy makeup for her legs? Maybe shorts arent a great idea.
FancyShark: I hope she just eats all the clothes
gellaho: Tom looks through his sister's clothing
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Tom doesnt know about breasts.
gellaho: Brendan wants to see that bug vagina
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Because even as a teen I knew women have different sizes of shirts because of boobs.
Brendan: This alien is unique; she's so new there isn't even a Rule 34 of her yet.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Tom has always been doing this. Now he just had an excuse to do it publicly.
gellaho: Umhmm
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: "insectussy" is the scientific term, I believe.
FancyShark: "They said you're a national security threat. Should I let them in?"; Oh no; What happens if Joe falls for the alien lady?
gellaho: Update: two days later and nothing has happened
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: "Who? Oh the hamburger dipshits. Yeah let them in."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Car Bomb.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: If it's an alien isn't it technically a xenussy
FancyShark: And then the Intergalactic Genocide begins
gellaho: Gorpoblorcho
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Only if it doesnt fit into a proper existing taxonomy, I think.
FancyShark: Writer had a stroke but kept right on typing.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: I think history judges Gorpoblorcho unfairly.; Glasnost was a good idea on paper.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: "Dan.........are you okay? Do you smell Toast?"
gellaho: Classic squid move
FancyShark: How are the humans having less natural dialogue than the alien?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: "Yeah so just go ahead and mess with my teen boss and his lab, that way he wont become a mega nerd."
FancyShark: Fuck yeah, new title @gellaho
gellaho: "Because corpse ladies are hot, man"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Also Dan underestimates Tom. He would invent a machine to give him home vision corrective surgery before he wore glasses.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Whoa, what the fuck Dan, you don't have to throw out the ableist slurs like that
FancyShark: Dan jumps in the factory runoff and never resurfaces
gellaho: Sounds like something a spazoid would say
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: "Dan you have been told so many times, that's not a swimming pool. It's a coolant reservoir, that water is highly radioactive."
gellaho: I don't like how horny this ghostwriter is
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Yeah you know what Joe? Tom thinks he's so smart, you should take him down a peg or two by dating and then letting his sister explode.
FancyShark: "Hi, Sandra. I don't think I'm still contagious."
gellaho: Tom's sister looking to get carbombed
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: We had to be told all of this instead of shown because that's how talented storytellers operate
Brendan: Specifically, Fantomah
FancyShark: Some guys have hair on their shoulders, Sandra
gellaho: That's not a thing
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Tom retaliates by turning Sandra's hair into snakes later.; Blond snakes.; "Gentlemen prefer blonds!" he will shriek as he leaps out the window into the night.
Brendan: Tom's new machine negates all hair to make dating equitable.; THERE IS ONLY FLESH
FancyShark: It's Coastspeak!
gellaho: Good to know that ghostwriters across the board can't figure out "blonde"
gellaho: Just a bunch of shades, barbers, and loxies; Joe's a great detective
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: "AND FUCKING A BLONDE TERRORIST!" Joe shouts, forgetting he didnt speak his train of thought out loud."
FancyShark: It feels good to be back in the fun kind of stupid Hardy adventure
gellaho: "All the kids must be hot," thought the ghostwriter. "Kids also love hoedowns, based on what I've read."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Tom Swift's secret spy date could be a real life Atomic Blonde, Joe burgered thoughtfully to himself.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: The kind were we might find that Tom didnt find an alien or anything just some weird girl who likes Star Trek.
FancyShark: "A hoedown? You mean we can get even whiter?"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Only if we bring Miley Cyrus into it
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: "Fuck you Rick, you said it was a hootenanny!"
gellaho: Somebody needed to turn the hose on this ghostwriter
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: "THE HELL I DID! Its a hoedown!"
gellaho
gellaho: A classic California activity
FancyShark: A horny teenager? What is this science fiction?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Also Tom starting to tell her shes going to be cold. In California.
gellaho: Are they horny for Tom Swift? Yes it is
LyraV: She actively kissed you Tom and you can sort out whats going on with her. Telling.
gellaho: Really reads like they walked in on him jerking it
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Tom......they were trying to rescue their dad.
Brendan: Poor Mandy getting her personality overwritten by a writer, a gram of coke, and a nine-day deadline.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: You're such an asshole, Tom.
Brendan: In Tom's defense he's about to be the first person to make it with an alien mantis queen.
LyraV: If they'd actually waltzed in together this whole story would be much better.
gellaho: What, is Simon & Schuster worried Weekly World News is going to sue them for writing Batboy?
gellaho
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Tom doesnt even communicate well with human women, I dont see why hes so quick to think an alien will be any better.
gellaho: I would have thought he'd be worried about the tabloids because that's how The Black Dragon communicated in the last book
FancyShark: Don't tease us with the possibility of a Ratboy adventure, author!
gellaho: Boy that book was fucking weird
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: "Also the Ratboy thing was a one off." Tom thought. "Totally an accident."
gellaho: "Eh, you weren't interested in my shooting stars earlier, madame"
FancyShark: I'm pretty sure several papers would still write "Boy Scientist Discovered Living With Girl Alien" if she wasn't an extraterrestrial, Tom. Some people are assholes and some are desperate for headlines.; Tom, does she have to spell it out?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Yes.
LyraV: You're so dope at communication Tom, clearly.
gellaho: Jesus Christ
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Mandy why did you even like him in the first place?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Thank god. I was worried she'd actually commit to Tom.
FancyShark: Women be communicating, amirite?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Like again, even as a dipshit teen, I knew that girls get mad when you blow them off for no good reason.
FancyShark: It's pretty universal
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Yeah weirdly enough, not limited to girls, TOM.
gellaho: ☑️ Redhead
FancyShark: Rick is stuck in a loop
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Mandy is going to fuck Frank so hard.; Just bang the shit out of him until he's woozy and concussed.
FancyShark: Then fight an infinite Callie army, like a good version of that Neo vs Smiths fight
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Or that bit in Metabarons where Aghora fights a woman who replicates herself while Aghora is also giving birth.
FancyShark: God, Aghora was so awesome
gellaho: Didn't expect to see the word "bimbo," but here we are
FancyShark: "I feel like I've been kicked in the balls. Now he's going to know how that feels."
Brendan: He finally found someone else who speaks in base-60.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: It is kind of funny that Mandy thinks Tom, who is such a dork he barely notices his girlfriend is DTF tonight, is cheating on her tho.
gellaho: What are you, a Babylonian? I'll see myself out
Brendan: Women: the gentle sex; Nobody gets teen girls like a middle-aged male writer.
gellaho: A caravan of teens
Brendan: Take it from me, author of 1930s hit series, Dinky Dax's Sloppy Jalopy: The Clue in the Razoo
gellaho: The Hardy Boys do not understand those who don't live the Hardy Boys lifestyle
"ol' san antone" jakesy: If I were Tom, I would simply go up to Mandy and kiss her to stop him from shaking
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Of course Rick drives a Jaguar.
FancyShark: There's a genuinely fun comedy of errors in this, but the writer is too creepy to notice
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Frank and Joe simply get bored and shoot everyone to death to solve the potential problem.
"ol' san antone" jakesy: As it is right now Tom's caught up in a world of uphill climbing
gellaho: The Hardy Boys somehow tail two cars on foot
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: I bet Tom uses a ton of gas in that van of his.
FancyShark: This whole thing is taking place in a roundabout
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: And Tom? When you put your supervillain lair on top of a mountain, you should have some kind of way up it that doesnt involve driving a van up.
gellaho: You know how alarms sound unearthly?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Creeping along at like three miles an hour.; Oh shit they're going to Silent Hill.
FancyShark: It used to require a rickety cart pulled by a lone horse. But times change.
gellaho: Tom keeping his bug-girl secret by threat of death
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: I always forget Frank is supposed to be the technical minded one.
FancyShark: It's refreshing that all of Tom's supervillain tendencies are going to sink him when he's being suspected of something he didn't do
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Fortunately for Rick the laser cannons and hunter-killer drones are another mile up ahead.
gellaho: Watch out! He's got a remote control!
FancyShark: "How do I communicate my vision? Lots of things have remotes. Better specify a VCR."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: And this is why you always carry a gun, Frank and Joe. You could shoot Tom right now and it would be perfectly legal. He has you in a fucking booby trap, that's way beyond Castle Doctrine laws already.
gellaho: A reference that will last forever
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: What Tom doesn't know is that that really is just the remote for the VCR and the Barbarian Brothers are already peeling out of the city with the universal remote prototype.
"ol' san antone" jakesy: Some computers are for sure rigged to blow
gellaho: Tom Swift: Master of Deception
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Tom you stupid bastard.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: "Awwww jeez guys, why can't you just leave me alone T_T"
"ol' san antone" jakesy: GIF
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Just vaporize them, you can have clones ready before Saturday.
FancyShark: If this was a comic or movie, Tom would have just winked at the camera
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: GIF
gellaho: I wonder why that Tom Swift series didn't last very long
FancyShark: Mandy's not going to let this one go
gellaho: Very dirty
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Tom "Makes his Girlfriend Cry" Swift. Boy Hitlerrrrrr.
Brendan: The Hardy Boys do not understand LA posturing.
"ol' san antone" jakesy: So you're saying she's a face through the window
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Weird that we had to take the time out to shit on whoever tuned the engine on this jag
"ol' san antone" jakesy: Crying in the night
Brendan: They are noble Connecticut natives. They understand only hard work and bad driving.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: And Boigin.; So much boigin.
gellaho: That's what most people remember about Hitler; F- joke
"ol' san antone" jakesy: I'm going to jam this Manilow bit in whether it works or not but tbh it's working pretty damn well
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: GIF
FancyShark: "My humor is timeless" thought the author
gellaho: "An idiot? Perfect!"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: I like how quickly the Hardy boys have decided they dont like Tom again.
Brendan: Name two differences.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Hardy Boys Do It From Behind.
gellaho: A very cool joke
FancyShark: Don't give the writer ideas
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Hardy Boys Do It In The Dead Of Night
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Very cool joke, Frank.
Brendan: "REAL funny, LOUD MOUTH," retorted Joe. "Tell it to the Marines!"; Who am I to poke fun? My jokes haven't even lasted ten years.; Because of the WOKE MOB. It's all your faults!
gellaho: "That little shorts and T-shirt outfit"
"ol' san antone" jakesy: Shouldn't have been standing on the edge of time
Brendan: It's getting so you can't even make fun of the disadvantaged and disabled and otherwise less fortunate than you these days.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Because Corey Hart whips ass, Frank. This is known.
"ol' san antone" jakesy: Guys who tell cool jokes should know the answer to that already
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Reliable Joe to notice the alien girl looks cute in her shorts.
gellaho: I am also confused as to why she's wearing sunglasses when they're alone, but more concerned about the old-time horniness
Brendan: My one mistake was being born too late for the easy discoveries, like boron and sarcasm.
gellaho: JOE SMASH
Brendan: That was a sarcastic joke, borons.
"ol' san antone" jakesy: Dames these days with their little t-shirt petticoats
Brendan: You know that tall, golden blonde in too-small, too-scant clothing with a cosmic-scale brain in her head is kinda cute.
gellaho: JOE SMASHED
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Alien girl melts the Hardy Boys with a gamma emitter?
LyraV: Yes do it
Brendan: gasp the final element, this is my crush now.
LyraV: throw hiiiiiim
Brendan: Strong AND breaks Joe's skull.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: And in that moment Joe knew true love.
FancyShark: IS SHE THE ONE?!
Brendan: I'm ready for her to lay her eggs in me.
gellaho: Frank responds with karate to the head
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Fuck yeah, M'na is rad.
Brendan: Which is something I've only previously said about Shirley Manson.; It's two pulp adventurers vs. the actual bridge between Weird Science and DCU.
gellaho: Joe loses all his bones, but immediately stands up. For he is immortal
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Two burgerish dipshits vs the star born strength of a space goddess.
FancyShark: Fuck yes. It's Hulk vs Thor time
Brendan: This is Iron Frank and Captain Joemerica vs. Adam'na Warlock.
Brendan: The battle we HAD to show--because YOU demanded it, true believOH MY GOD HE DIED
gellaho: It's telling that Frank and Joe immediately noticed the bug eyes and it took Mina projecting her vision into Tom's head for him to notice
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: "OH JESUS FUCK NO!" He finished as she lunged for him, ovipositor at the ready, quivering for his moist orifices.
FancyShark: She must've really hit him. Normally Joe doesn't stop attacking until a chapter break.
gellaho: Do I want to know why Tom was putting makeup all over her while they were alone and protected by deadly security
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Also she has a really well made robot, it didnt explode from being too near a Hardy.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: He was gonna take her to prom
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Book's not over yet
gellaho: "Somehow nobody noticed the giant spaceship exploding in our solar system"
Brendan: I don't know why they're going to prom when they've already mated in their mutual cultures' courting battle.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: In space no one can hear you kerblooie
Brendan: So this book came out in the X-Files era, I take it.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Tom.........do you think maybe regardless of how much you wanna fuck the alien girl, maybe hiding her in your treehouse is not the best response?
gellaho: Frank can't believe Tom hasn't figured this out already
FancyShark: "Tom, we mostly handle international espionage and murders committed by disgruntled movie stars. Space aliens are a bit outside our wheelhouse."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Because worst thing that happens to her is the feds dissect her before she impregnates Joe Biden.
gellaho: 1993, so was written before it
FancyShark: Frank just became my favorite character ever.
gellaho: Like everything in The Book Cage; Someday you guys will learn that all ideas originate from garbage
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Watch Frank just strike up a conversation likes shes fucking R2D2.
Brendan: I guess we were just at a collective "The government lies to us" stage.; Joe translates because he speaks aikido star-toss.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: A time which never came again!
gellaho: Psychotronics don't work on gleep glops
FancyShark: The Twiktill?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: He has absolutely no idea he just said "Hey dipshit, keep your hands where I can see them." in her language.
gellaho: As tall as one very tall man was tall
Brendan: I don't even know what the joke is now that there's a standing militia of the elderly and stupid who are like "Government is evil" which, yes, but then also "It doesn't hurt enough people, I'm going to burn this country down because I love it."
FancyShark: You could make up any alien name and you chose "Tinkerbell, no wait"?
Brendan: Like how do you frame that in the crossover Venn of these lunkheads with Tom Swift?; It's like the world's worst Fringe episode.
gellaho: Dweeeeeeeeeeeeeb
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Don't look at me man, I only work here
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Shush Joe, let the turbo nerds converse.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Frank, I have a one panel humorous comic for this technological era that I think you may enjoy
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: In the meantime, that alien girl is cute, go talk to her, Joe.
Brendan: HE INVENTED A PSYCHIC SWEATBAND AND NEVER THOUGHT TO TRY IT
FancyShark: Frank's blood feud with Linus Torvalds would claim four generations and the water supply of half of Europe
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: She kicked your ass, maybe she could survive a car bomb or two.
Brendan: Dos or C, amirite
gellaho: You are so wise; Frank solves all the problems with a laser-iron while Joe attempts to talk to an alien
FancyShark: It's happening! The Prelude to the End War!
FancyShark: Dare we hope he has to karate fight her father?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: This will become my favorite book if he does.
FancyShark: "It also keeps broadcasting a plea for death. Is that normal?"
Brendan: She understands perfectly, she just is trying not to say bless your heart.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: "Shut the fuck up nerd, I have a nerd brother, remember? I know what neurons are."
gellaho: I promise you are not ready for what comes next
Brendan: That was Frank's last thought as the golden wires laced his cortex.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Orb is becoming a man that's all.
gellaho: I'm looking at it and I can't believe it
Brendan: Guys, I know I invoke this a lot
LyraV: No I don't think it is
FancyShark: oh god no
Brendan: But from a plot element standpoint, this is the second closest we've ever stood to Rex Moran showing up.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: When a hyper intelligent robot and an organic computer love each other very much, or just think they're hot and up for it, this is what happens.
Brendan: NO; i refuse
gellaho: Yo
LyraV: you hold onto that beautiful dream
Brendan: We have three options.; And only one of them is Stallone.
FancyShark: This is the first time I've felt betrayed by one of these books
Brendan: Run, Frank, she's from Jersey now!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Do you think M'na knows how to use the three seashells?
Brendan: I mean she plainly fucks.; Her people probably have access to mollusks we can't imagine.
gellaho: Sure, might as well
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Oh shit, I hope they give her a copy of Cobra and tell her this is normal for humans.
Brendan: Picture this book but the Overlords raise her up on Bloodsport.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: GIF
Brendan: Behold our hot dog star queen
gellaho: Then apparently she uses some kind of expletive
LyraV: The mollusk Kumite is a tempting thought.
Brendan: You can't prove she didn't say a slur.
FancyShark: Goddammit, did Tom just create 4chan?
gellaho: Well, unfortunately, it's permanent
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Its the 90s so its probably not the n-word, they wouldnt blink at that.; Just say shes from New Joisey.; Californians cant tell anyway.
FancyShark: No, that word still got some looks in the 90s. We thought racism was mostly over by then
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Oh of course they set it to Russian accent.
LyraV: Damn it Tom can you go 5 fucking pages without telling a woman to stop talking? Come on.
gellaho: Brother Box ™️
LyraV: I've spent this whole book trying to get you to communicate, now shut up and listen
FancyShark: Guess they didn't want to get sued by DC
gellaho: The brain annex
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Oh shit shes a New Gods fan.
Brendan: Okay, I'm starting to think this is a freelancing comic writer.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Jork Kibbly?
Brendan: Can't comprehend how angry I'd be if I met an alien sex queen and she was from Bayonne.
LyraV: You could have said he was 'box-shocked' author it was right there.
gellaho: Oh, we're doing this cliché too, eh?
gellaho
FancyShark: Naturally she requires a host body for her self-sufficient brain
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Oh for fuck's sake they call it Brother Box.
gellaho: "I don't really see what that has to do with transportation, but sure."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: "Hey uh......Mina? We're doing our best here, maybe dont be so critical considering the circumstances."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: What, is she on the run from Darksyde too?
FancyShark: "Mina, you drink skim milk. Your opinions are already suspect."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: "Oh no, Mina, I meant teach us fusion, we are asking for an uplift."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Give her fried chicken and a Mt. Dew and watch her die like she's a former South American president.
gellaho: Bimbo's back
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Brooklynese, lol.
gellaho: Too cool to live
LyraV: Whoa Mandy take it down a notch.
FancyShark: Mandy's body would later be found ripped in half, length-wise
Brendan: I'm okay with it because thirty years later we haven't learned. The trope proves itself.
gellaho: maaaaaaaaaaaannnnn
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: To be fair, I'd also rather hang out with a golden space goddess with superhuman strength than Handy Mandy.
gellaho: Why does she get all the nerds!?
LyraV: Because women hate all other women, of course.
gellaho: When they're taking all the cute dorks, yeah
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Mandy is going to have to invent her own book carrying robot at this rate.
gellaho: Felt like including the page number. Not for any particular reason
FancyShark: Nice
LyraV: Mandy walking up to him just to slag this other person off feels extreme but hey I guess you gotta fight for a dude like....that.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Of course the space alien has a grasp of Earth fashion.
FancyShark: Zubaz. All zubaz
gellaho: A rare pragmatic Joe
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Early 90s so its a lime green leotard.; Headband.; Bright purple and hot pink bracelets.
gellaho: It's not hard to be better than Tom Swift. He did buy her jammies his favorite my little ponies on them.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: She has a slap bracelet in there.; Big dangly earrings.; And a jean jacket.
gellaho: What could possibly go wrong
FancyShark: Joe Hardy: Space Racist
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Lol instant suspicion.
FancyShark: I'm holding onto my prediction about his summer cold killing any evil aliens they encounter
gellaho: No confederacy has ever gone wrong, you're right
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Joe.........if shes your age, do you think maybe she just doesnt know?
gellaho: Some area code details for the kids
gellaho: Joe loves Little House on the Prairie
FancyShark: Ah, good. The Feds are always the good guys in Alien Visitor stories
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: "YAYYY! I LOVE finding out new area codes! What new area codes will be in this ripping Tom Swift and Hardy Boys adventure!" said every child of 1993.; Are we sure Joe isnt a 13 year old girl from Iowa?
gellaho: Some pasta, so obviously the pizzeria it is
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Because in 1993 that was the main demographic for Little House on the Prairie aside from Ronald Reagan.; No burgers? She isnt getting any of that Hardy on.
FancyShark: If Chet seduces the space goddess, this book will win my heart
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Goddam vegetarian aliens.; Dont think I dont know you'd eat us if you had the chance, Mina.; Play it cool all you want.
gellaho: On the way back, a fun surprise
FancyShark: Nice job, Joe
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Hahahahah no it can't Tom.
gellaho: Manlike shapes or "men"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: But how many tall mans tall were the manlike men???
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Frank and Joe vs the California IRA?
FancyShark: Now they all get on their bicycles and peddle off into the sky; pedal
gellaho: Mina responds with an offense of offensive language
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Starts humming My Little Armalite
gellaho: Espionage Resources, llc
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: All fun and games until Mina yanks one of their arms off.; Frank maybe shut up with your handlers code name, you dork.
FancyShark: "We cosplay black ops. We really can't thank you enough for playing along with this."
gellaho: A Casefile to look forward to
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Hitting someone with the barrel of a gun seems like a great way to break your gun.; They have shoulder stocks for a reason, lads. Use them.
FancyShark: Guess the Hardy Boys aren't U.S.E.R. friendly
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Oh so these guys are the CIA, gotcha.
gellaho: This ghostwriter wants to fuck every character in this book
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: GIF
FancyShark: GIF
gellaho: Jack Cates
gellaho: Named by someone who really liked Lost
FancyShark: haha, no but seriously, what's your name?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Jack you are really a dumb motherfucker.
gellaho: If this isn't a government job, and you're going to murder us, why did you say what we were doing was illegal?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: He may be a merc, but he can't abide a lawbreaker
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Yeah Tom? I know you arent up on all the spy lingo but you should understand how "eliminate" is used as a thin euphemism for "murder these dipshits and stuff them in oil drums."
gellaho: It is a bold move to give them a vehicle and expect them to crash it themselves
FancyShark: So we're two for two now on evil mercs who suck at their jobs
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: "I cut your brakes, so be a good chap and drive to your death."
FancyShark: "No, you're Cates. He's Frank."; "Shut up, Joe."
gellaho: Now that's a Hardy Boys chapter ending
FancyShark: Yeeeeesssss; There's the good stuff
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Or you could like throw them off a cliff or just shoo.......well not shoot them in the face because the Hardy Boys are immune to gun.
gellaho: This ghostwriter really likes this cursing bit
gellaho: Which you want in a children's book
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Remember to smile for the Splash Mountain cameras!
FancyShark: It's not a bad bit. It just clashes with the tone of the book.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Children love learning new curse words.
gellaho: Tom Swift engages asphyxiation protocols
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Learning the words "shitfucker" was like a gift from God.
gellaho: "That doesn't explain why it's in your van"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Tom? Tom? Does this mean you put a fucking jet engine in your van? Tom!?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Perfectly legible through a mouthful of air bag
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Tom, seriously, did you put a jet engine in your van? Have you had a jet van the whole time?; Legally if you had a jet van you have to tell me.
gellaho: Incredible gyrations
FancyShark: Those never go wrong!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: GIF
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Tom is in the process of independently inventing Action Park.
gellaho: Don't play with your food, Joe
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: The only waterpark where you could be cut by teeth embedded in a waterslide. By accident.
LyraV: No one has ever called it that Joe, what the fuck?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Joe make your dinner take you out for dinner before you blow it.; Have some self respect Joe, and only blow dinners you like.; Or get money for, I dont judge.
gellaho: Boom boom
FancyShark: Fuck yes
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Why not just shoot them with the rocket while they were right in front of you
gellaho: My prized van!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: I feel like it'd be an easier shot
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Hahahahah sweet, Cates watched the same movies I did growing up.
FancyShark: Tom, you were not a van man. You didn't even have a wizard painted on it.
gellaho: Musement
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: State troopers are going to be baffled by how this van accidentally rolled off a cliff and was destroyed by an antitank rocket, the perfect crime].
gellaho: Joe's brain is melting
gellaho
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: He caught some kind of star virus from Mina.
FancyShark: All the head trauma finally reached Joe's brain. All at once.
LyraV: It was only a matter of time.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: GIF
gellaho: My anti-bug force field
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: I dunno it sounds like Joe just got some Havana Syndrome.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: What a great chekovs gun. Don't even mention it's there until it's fired. Great writing
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Tom.......Tom? You have a way to keep insects away from people?; Tom? Do you understand how important that would be, Tom?; I dont feel like you get how big of a deal this is Tom.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Tom singlehandedly solved mosquitoes and is just sitting around with his thumb up his ass
LyraV: Yeah but Tom doesn't care about OTHER people only himself.
gellaho: I'm just going to share all of this because I cannot follow what's happening
gellaho
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Tom has basically unlimited wealth, I dunno why the government is concerned he might be selling nuclear secrets.
LyraV: If they're bitten by mosquitos it's because they should have been born rich and smart y'know?
FancyShark: His dad is desperately trying to signal to him that they're being watched and Tom is thinking "what? We have bug zappers"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Like I would sell nuclear secrets for like 10k and a handjob, and that's why I dont have any nuclear secrets, because I'm poor.
FancyShark: Holy shit, I called it!
gellaho: Can't figure out what bugs have to do with cars, or how those cars got into their highly guarded facility without anybody noticing; Or where they are coming from; Just vehicles appearing at will
FancyShark: Mandy is determined to get that D
LyraV: Uh oh, we all know what 'we've got to talk' means. Tom doesn't though so I'm sure this will play out hilariously.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Harlan needs to learn the first rule of gun safety. Never point your gun at something you dont intend to kill. Warning shots are for dipshits.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Ghostwriter heard Chandler's advice about having a man with a gun appear every time you don't know what to do with a scene and is applying it liberally
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: "Mandy, right now some shady mercenaries are besieging my dads compound, can we do this later?"; "ITs ALWAYS SOMETHING WITH YOU!"
FancyShark: "Oh, I'm remembering that."
gellaho: This picture should replace that first one
FancyShark: "Oh right, the thing that was visible the whole time."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Super secret squirrel shit, sitting in a parking lot with a visibly marked car. Nobody suspects a thing.
LyraV: Fox Mulder style
gellaho: My new phone decides to get extremely hot and forgets to do things I tell it. It's great
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: No wonder these U.S.E.R. guys get shown up by an agency that employs teen dipshits.
gellaho: Anyway, twice as witchy
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: GIF; Like this.
FancyShark: Mandy's for sure going to apologize for her behavior
gellaho: "Weren't we just there? Where are we?"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Space is warped and time is bendable!
FancyShark: Author must've forgotten to cut one of the drafts
gellaho: Tom takes them straight back to where the were almost murdered
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: "Wait, why do we need your brain scrambling bowling ball right now?"
FancyShark: "Orb has the keys"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: "The last thing that it did was teach our alien friend to talk like a fucking dollar store Ninja Turtle."
gellaho: Is USER still there? Of course
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: GIF
gellaho: But who could have seen that coming
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Huh its almost like leaving some dudes to take shit from labs is a good idea, TOM.
gellaho: Spark up a fat one, brother
FancyShark: Not sure how you manage to forget your line when you're a written character, but nice job, evil guy
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: You are just never ready to be the first dude killed by an alien bio computer.
gellaho: Dehydration never killed anyone
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Joe just needs some gatorade and a quick Malwarebytes scan.; He'll be right as rain.
LyraV: Unless....I stab you and drink your blood Tom, you won't be missed.
gellaho: An hour never killed anyone
LyraV: Look it's been a long couple weeks but I realize that was a bit dark hehe
FancyShark: Kinda seems like you should always have that feature on
LyraV: sorry no one is going to stab Tom and drink his blood much less Frank Hardy
FancyShark: I mean, I thought it was good
gellaho: Good thing nobody saw the giant golden robot
LyraV: I FORGOT ABOUT THE ROBOT
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: If watching giant robot shows has taught me anything giant robots and kaiju are surprisingly stealthy.
gellaho: San Francisco? Good thing they have a little rich boy
FancyShark: "It was fine. I simply blinded every witness."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Its cute they assume the rest of the government will act in good faith and not just be like "Oh we dont care you were up to shady shit."
gellaho: Hugh Hunt? I gotta find out what book this is
FancyShark: Book 6; The Crowning Terror
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Note to ghostwriter. Fuckable aliens and van explosions, yes. Spy shit, dont bother.; Stick to your wheelhouse.
gellaho: Tom Swift's Portable Key Smelter
FancyShark: Did we lose Brendan?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: ALMOST as strong?
gellaho: Already got it then; Splinter Cell: Frank Hardy
gellaho: "The Irritated Nonsmoker Demanded" is how they'll translate the name of my biopic in Japan
FancyShark: These guys are written like Neil Breen characters
LyraV: We subscribed to a tier that's completely unreasonable and all we get are more orders.
gellaho: Mr Sunshine
FancyShark: If it's the Mr. Sunshine from Saint's Row 2, this is going to get really scary
LyraV: Unless it's Captain Sunshine from the Venture Bros then it's a whole different type of scary
gellaho: The supers pies? The super spees? Oh, super spies.
LyraV: Evidence of WHAT?
gellaho: "I don't like the sound of that at all, no siree"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Mr. Sunshine is such a terrible ironic nickname for a torturer.
LyraV: Mr. Lollipops and Mr. Rainbows were both already taken.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Unless he gives people really bad sunburns.
gellaho: I don't know, this plot seems a little underboiled to me
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: 1993.....the world? Too peaceful?; lol
FancyShark: That's a good question, narrator. Where DOES the alien come into this?
gellaho: Laidlaw
FancyShark: Not Loblaw?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Said the analyst to the specimen collector.
gellaho: Eh, kids?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Joe read like half of The Arms of Krupp and got bored.
gellaho: Laidlaw: We fuck law
FancyShark: Kids love war profiteering
gellaho: I knew that area code was important
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Its funny how often we get told about the evils of the military industrial complex but never get around to doing anything about it.
gellaho: maaaaaaaaaaaannnnn
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: I mean if two squares like Frank and Joe are saying it it must be bad.
FancyShark: Pointing it out is easier
gellaho: Frank finds free samples illogical
FancyShark: So the whole space alien thing is abandoned at this point
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Frank doesnt shop at Costco, confirmed.
Brendan: what happened after M'na was three Frank Stallones in a trenchcoat?
gellaho: Frank asks for complete access to all government computer systems
LyraV: It's all arms dealers and ponderous code names now.
FancyShark: Apparently there's a rival government agency called USER and now it's a corporate espionage story
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Tom Swift grows up to be Tom Clancy at this rate.
FancyShark: Also, they tried to blow up Tom and the Hardys with a rocket launcher
gellaho: That's not the expression
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Boy I sure do love how this book turned into The Hunt For Red October instead of continuing to be about a rad alien girl having fun adventures.
LyraV: Could have cut it like a cake with a knife at a child's birthday party at Chuck E Cheese in Chicago. THAT MUCH DOUBT
gellaho: The Gray Man gives away all the government secrets to two teens on a hunch
FancyShark: At least we know where the author stopped writing for a while; Gray Man just told them all the Gameshark codes for the best Pokemon starters
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: The.......army construction battalion?
LyraV: The cigarette smoking man walks by the Grey Man and just shoots him.
FancyShark: <BANG>; "Stop it!"
Brendan: This is where the unfinished manuscript gets ported in.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: This is why you never throw a shitty book idea away, you never know when your unused Rainbow Six manuscript will come in handy.
gellaho: Tom Swfthands
gellaho: Pretend I said Tomgo Swifthands
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Distant relative of Torgo Scrotehands.
Brendan: so she's not an alien?
FancyShark: She is. She's just absent now.
gellaho: And by leveraging intense government secrets, the boys learn information they already knew
Brendan: Tom Swift in the land of amazonian love bugs
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: I think they fibbed to Uncle Sam and said she was from Brooklyn.
FancyShark: Saving this for reasons
Brendan: fuckin' A
LyraV: Oh Frank come on now, Everyone considers you a serious annoyance.
gellaho: And my contacts within the secret government secrets tell me we must pause for now
FancyShark: GASP; TO BE CONTINUED
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Okay but that cover is pretty cool.
LyraV: Ohhhhhh snap must wait another week to discover the fate of Mina or M'na? Whichever.
FancyShark: Great job, everyone!
👽 Sexual Trash Ninja Mo: hell yeah I believed in all of you; or something
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: "Whoaaa dude, I almost dropped my hackey sack!"
gellaho: So pauses the 95th Edition of The Book Cage
gellaho: May your alien babes not learn problematic accents
FancyShark: Have a great night, everybody!; Thank you, @gellaho !
LyraV: This one was a trip, thanks @gellaho and @FancyShark
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Thanks @gellaho !
gellaho: The Book Cage: Episode 95.5 - A Hardy Boys and Tom Swift Ultra Thriller: The Alien Factor Part 2; In the first part of this Ultra Thriller ™️, we learned that in the Hardy Boys universe that the US Intelligence community comprises not only the FBI, CIA, but also The Network and U.S. Espionage Resources or U.S.E.R. Strangely, U.S.E.R. appears to be privatized, but the ghostwriter also refers to them as "another government intelligence agency." Anyway, they have the Insectoid-Reptilian babe although Tom Swift seems more concerned about the missing space ship. Joe's found himself another girlfriend, will she explode? Find out this Friday, 5pm eastern.
gellaho
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: It's government-privatized. It's like "fresh-frozen"
gellaho: Under an hour until A Hardy Boys and Tom Swift Ultra Thriller: The Alien Factor. The Ultra thrills and ultra chills begin with throwing away a spaceship.
FancyShark: Heyyyyy! The writer remembered the first plot!
Brendan: it's been a day. I'm ready for it.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: I cant wait to find out that the alien girl is just a weird Eastern European with a skin disorder and a set of contacts.
Brendan: Didn't plan on drinking, BUT let's make today a good one.
gellaho: Time to resume the Ultra Thriller
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Lift those crates, boys! Beam those lasers! Space Poon depends on it!!
Blight: We got this buddy, you can just crouch!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Aaaaand jazzhands!!
gellaho: The hull hole really makes you think
gellaho: You know, organic computer material
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: This production of Starlight Express has great value but I dont think they read the script well.
gellaho: That thing you can recognize on sight; Everyone has seen bleeding organic computer material
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Hahaha ghostwriter is trying to describe "Cylon Raider" but he's only managing "blurry space something with chewy center"
FancyShark: Newer models even sweat!; They sweat acid. We're still working on that.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Which is why you never go for water cooled CPUs.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: This one was grape flavored. Dont ask how Tom knows that.
gellaho: When I see green goo, I instantly think brain matter and alien blood.
gellaho: It's why nickelodeon was so terrifying
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: The Secret Slime Action is: "being a poorly written character in a terrible book"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Holy shit Joe is kind of right about something.
FancyShark: You Can't Do That, Tom Swift
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Broken clocks
Brendan: Meat plane gets purple heart, that's what I'm reading.
gellaho: All corporate spies look like scaly bug people, it's true
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Tho it IS phrased in the stupidest possible way that isnt caveman speak.; Tom, you huffy bitch, you think NOW is the best time to get indignant that a rogue government agency thinks you are involved in corporate espionage?
FancyShark: Tom, you have a mad scientist castle. Even light sarcasm should be off limits to you.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: GIF
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Tom you have a fucking TANK!
FancyShark: You have robot servants!
Brendan: I haven't seen a photo of Nick Kroll's dad, but this checks out.
gellaho: The government's pretty big, I guess. Although I'm still not sure if USER is a private business or not
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Tom, quit being such a libertarian.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: If USER were an administrator we'd be in real big trouble.
FancyShark: "Our government is easily prone to failure," says the teenager in a 1990 YA novel.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Nobody likes a science libertarian Tom.
gellaho: Especially considering this is still framed like USER was hired to get this spaceship by Laidlaw
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Big if true; Eric Laidlaw: Merchant of Death just makes him sound radical
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Well yeah Tom if you want a dude to make space weapons with alien tech you DO tend to give a starship to a weapons manufacturer.; Also TOM YOU HAVE AN ELECTRIC RIFLE!
FancyShark: Excuse me, Tom, but he has a third interest. He loves crochet.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: YOU MADE A SHIRT THAT TURNS A MAN INTO A FIGHTING MACHINE!; You killed a dude so hard he disproves evolution.
FancyShark: Tom is Sober Tony Stark
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Your evil science castle has laser cannon turrets.
FancyShark: YOU MADE ROBOT BEES!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: People who arent dangerous to society dont get their robot servants betraying them.
gellaho: Now Tom is thinking about what the government would have done if they had the spaceship, except they spent the last four pages saying that USER is the government
gellaho: So I am quite befuddled
FancyShark: Don't tease a University War and then not deliver, author!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Tom, I know its the early 90s and maybe X-Files wasnt necessarily on your radar, but I feel like even then the government would have been expected to bung it in a warehouse in New Mexico and forget about it.; But only after creating a whole base complete with scientists and permanent funding.
gellaho: And now they're saying that people in the government were blackmailed, after spending so much time saying the government foolishly gave the spaceship away
gellaho: So that's like three different versions for what happened
FancyShark: If you can't decide on a plot, choose all of them
gellaho: Just imagine what they're doing to her, kids
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: When you wanna blame the government, the military industrial complex, and also a corporation...; Lets be honest, probably asking her questions about how her people fuck.; Or if she can name presidents.; One of those two.
FancyShark: They are absolutely asking how she fucks; If they get around to it, they might ask if she is hostile
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: And finding out nothing because she lives in a society where contact with different species is common and she knows "Well I inject the male with paralytic venom and chew his head off, then lay eggs in his carcass." is not something very many people want to participate in.
gellaho: And they still haven't taken off her sunglasses. And her makeup hasn't accidentally come off. And she hasn't opened her mouth so they could see her pointy teeth and weird tongue
gellaho: Never hurts to ask
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Or opened her mouth to talk and didnt sound like a 40 year old man in a teen girls body.; Like if Freaky Friday decided to replace Jamie Lee Curtis with Ron Perlman.
gellaho: Motel shootout?
FancyShark: Okay, but I would watch the hell out of that
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Please motel shootout. Please? As a treat, book?; Like we all know Tom has enough lasers for Frank and Joe.
FancyShark: The chapter ends with the entire motel front being sprayed by bullets
gellaho: Joe, you and I both know that's not true
FancyShark: Please go in a Drive direction
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Joe this is your normal Tuesday, and a regular Wednesday for Tom.; Nobody thinks you're cool for downplaying this.
gellaho: Sure, tank motorcycles
gellaho: Why not
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: TANK BIKE!
FancyShark: "This bike is very sturdy and if you crash there's only a 98% chance you'll be cooked in a hellish molten prison as you try to dismount"
gellaho: I feel like somebody would notice this, boys
FancyShark: "Dang! We should have hid from the motorcyclists somewhere more low key. Like Sturgis!"
gellaho: Jack brought his beeper
FancyShark: "Don't ask us how it works"
GDC: It's a Hardy detector
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: It detects Square Particles.
FancyShark: Easier than waiting for car bombs
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: But not as good for the local car economy.
FancyShark: I hope there's a used car dealer in Bayport capitalizing on the car explosions
GDC: He also sells car bombs, he's playing both sides
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: What's it keyed on?; Micro changes in Callie density.
gellaho: I don't really see the connection from A to B there Joe, but you're the child detective I guess
FancyShark: "I'M SO CRAZY, I PUT A BOMB IN EVERY CAR! FREE!"
GDC: More like macro changes in callie density. Any time Callie is reduced to a fine mist, the Hardys are there.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Joe, famously having never heard of wiretaps.
FancyShark: Joe thinks there's only one phone in Washington
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: DEALS YOU CAN ONLY FIND AT BIG BILL HELL'S. FUCK YOU, BAYPORT.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Joe thinks The Gray Man is just listening in like someones grandma on the same line and occassionally yelling "I wanna call Bill."
gellaho: "Now that they thought about it, bringing the heavily branded Swift Enterprises trailer was probably didn't help them hide."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Tom you didnt even bring ONE laser?; You just went quietly like a wuss.
FancyShark: You know who locks a swivel chair to the floor? Dentists. You followed dentists, Cates.
gellaho: So, you're telling me hacking into every government agency was a bad idea!?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Tom Swift, master hacker.
GDC: He makes some compelling arguments
FancyShark: If you had called from the basement phone AND the upstairs phone, our whole operation would have shut down
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: For once a villain has done this because the hero is an obvious dipshit and I'm reeling.
gellaho: So now he's a rogue agent. Would be great if you could make up your mind about whether or not the government is involved, ghostwriter
FancyShark: The rewrite was not thorough
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: The ghostwriter could have made three books with these plots, amateur.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: GIF
gellaho: Yeah, sure, this should be in the book for children. They love whatever it is you're trying to do
FancyShark: Tom "Clancy" Swift
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Okay dude, South American cartels are probably a bigger threat to national security than the Soviets ever were, but go off, king.
gellaho: I also have no idea what scope of work USER is supposed to do
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Secret Squirrel shit always gets real unclear, even before you take into account intelligence agencies always exceed their mandates.
FancyShark: I love how badly the writer is veering off the "space alien crashed on Earth" plotline
gellaho: Stroke it
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Also "We'd rather murder communists" is a little on the nose, ghostwriter.
FancyShark: Pets his gun like a cat
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Like you arent equipped for this level of social commentary, you didnt write Lethal Weapon 2.
gellaho: And now they're doing hits on other government agencies?
FancyShark: Joe, has anyone ever said that with the assumption the person was going to lead a long, full life?
gellaho: Why didn't you just make this either a private spy group or a terrorist organization, ghostwriter?; The Assassins were right there, man
FancyShark: The Assassins would call this plan stupid and over-complicated
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: More research into the lore than ghostwriter was willing to do
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: And Tom has that dollar store Dr. Doom motherfucker.
gellaho: So, he's reporting to his superiors? Which would indicate he's not rogue
FancyShark: They know what the guy in charge of the super secret black ops organization knows and he's gonna need to fill out some forms
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: It's like a Rogue Supreme situation.
gellaho: Oh, they let Tom keep his robot. Smart.
FancyShark: sudo exsanguinate.exe
Brendan: Shit, sorry, I've been here all this time but trying to like...find a place to live and a job to afford it. What happened?
gellaho: Lotta talk about exploded brains in this book for children
FancyShark: They done got captured by USER. Who are either terrorists or rogue agents or another government entity
gellaho: Kids love it
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: I hate when my mobile HQ rolls because the driver took a corner too quick.
gellaho: You can't kill an immortal
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: GIF
FancyShark: Remember kids: If you're holding a gun and lose balance at all, start shooting
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: GTA 4 ragdolls were the best for that
gellaho: Tom Swift's thoughts disorientingly smash into this paragraph
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Cates is just really bad at this.
gellaho: Straight whiplash busting out of third person omniscient out of nowhere
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Im pretty sure those werent Soviet agents now.; Cates was just garrotting random people with beards.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Just in case.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: One time he accidentally injected a pumpkin with neurotoxin.
FancyShark: It still won second place at the fair.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: It was the worst attempt to kill Castro on record.
gellaho: Good thing he tought that orb Morse code for no reason
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: And for decades afterward Linus would wonder why Halloween had lost all its magic.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: YOu had a murder bot the whole time?
gellaho: ROB SMASH
FancyShark: Morse code means he tapped until Orb got annoyed enough to murder
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Tom and Orb are going to grow up to be the bad guys from Phantasm.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Orb is the robot he gave a machine butthole to specifically so he could poke it with things to turn it off or reset it. I'd say Orb is perpetually annoyed.
gellaho: You'd have thought they'd keep rob with them in the motel room, but nah
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: You have to pay an extra fee for pets and murder bots.
FancyShark: 🎵 Keep your windows barred. Lock your doors up tight. Cuz Tin Can Hit Man's coming for you tonight.🎵
gellaho: Oh, and the tentacle bot was also there
FancyShark: His tendons are on the outside now
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Tentabox doesn't even have a name yet. Terrible novel craftsmanship
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Man I had forgotten it was called Brother Box.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: God. God fucking damn it.; I forgot it was called Brother Box and just assumed it didn't have a name because I didn't want to remember it was called Brother Box.
gellaho: "Fixing Mina's potty mouth"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Fuck. Fucking. God. Shit.
gellaho: The ghostwriter really likes this cursing bit
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: GIF
gellaho: Regular Mina over here
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Tbh I sympathize. If I had to deal with this stupid Swardy Boys crap in person I'd be a little foul mouthed too.
FancyShark: I still think the cursing bit has potential if it wasn't in this book
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Its very nearly a good joke, because Mina swears like a middle aged dude from Brooklyn in 1993.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: And if it wasn't hammered in every chapter
gellaho: Real creepy, Tom
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Tom, you didnt have to use the word "pretty"
FancyShark: "So pretty and innocent, those aerials"; "Tom, get out of the car"
gellaho: Local referents
FancyShark: These Tom Swift stories are like the show Gotham. All the pieces are in place for the obvious supervillain turn. You're just waiting for whatever accident is supposed to happen to make the magic start.
gellaho: Buy yourself some road maps today
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: The Hardies couldn't have "dopey criminal henchmen" written all over them any harder than if you put them in those henchman outfits from Batman 66
FancyShark: Which was annoying, because they were sitting in Connecticut
gellaho: MORE ROAD MAPS! MORE! ROAD! MAPS!
FancyShark: This is why MapQuest became an industry joke
gellaho: It's just that easy to interface with alien technology. Just mush the wires together
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: I refuse to buy "referents" as a word.
gellaho: Reference is hard to spell; "Nevada? Ew"
GDC: Surely Joe knows about area 51
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: God not Nevada.
FancyShark: Nevada's new state motto
gellaho: "Now that you mention it, that does seem like a pretty obvious connection"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Not even a Hardy Boys ghostwriter would make us go to New Mexico in our imaginations.
GDC: Yeah, these are supposed to be for a younger audience
FancyShark: Laidlaw, like any smart rich person, keeps a public record of his address
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Hahahah what kind of dingus merchant of death lives in the Nevada desert?
GDC: One who appreciates cheap real estate?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: GIF
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: He can't be very good at this whole arms dealer thing.
gellaho: Vegas Raiders came three decades early
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Nevada was really hoping for the Monster Wars licensing money to make this stadium worthwhile
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Not every town has a proper industrial base JOE! They have to attract tourists somehow.; Also its the compound of a weird arms dealer who apparently is into aliens, why would he NOT build something like that?
GDC: Look, you need to understand how deeply corrupt the city planners are.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Nic Cage bankrupts himself with dinosaur bones and he's not even an arms dealer.
GDC: It took a shitload of kickbacks to build an arena there.
gellaho: Alrighty. Just go full into sci-fi nonsense
FancyShark: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0399295/
gellaho: Shut the fuck up, you fucking nerds
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: I want you to die Tom.; You smug asshole.
FancyShark: "Why don't they measure in 5ft steps?"
gellaho: You shut up too, Joe
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Joe.........its a fucking glass dome.\
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: GIF; "The youths definitely say shit like mucho heavy bucks, right"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: in the 90s it would have been something like "mondo dough"
gellaho: It's a good thing security systems are never tripped accidentally
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: it would have been more fun if they were the kind of lasers that cut shit.
FancyShark: Laidlaw has lost so many interns to faulty poison gas sensors
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Listen, it'll be fine, just remember your breathing hood if you gotta dip down to the bathroom
GDC: He buys his lasers from wish.com, and interns are cheap
gellaho: The robots then spend 12 hours carefully installing these fiber optic stickers
gellaho
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Unfortunately the lasers still detected the lenses and the boys were choking out their last in moments.
gellaho: You mean like the one at your compound nobody notices?
FancyShark: Turns out the lasers aren't even part of the security system. They're just ruining a Pink Floyd concert.
gellaho: Even deadlier
FancyShark: "I wonder if he fixed the sterility problem," Tom thought.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Just once id like for lasers to activate the nozzles that release a flood of centipedes into the room.
gellaho: Imagine the nude painting, children
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: "A book on crime", Frank you can admit you were looking at nude pantings.
FancyShark: Joe is disappointed the paintings are not edible (i.e. Too high to reach)
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: We've all cranked it to Guernica once or twice, Frank, it was the 90s and we couldnt do better.; You dont have to live like this anymore, Frank. You can be free, and honest with yourself.
gellaho: Mina has been turned into a statue, for some reason
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Hahahahahh what?
gellaho: They apparently threw the spaceship away and froze it's only occupant
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: He what now?; lol.
gellaho: I'm not sure why they wanted it so bad
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Lmao?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: He's frozen Mina in carbonite!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Okay that IS peak rich person.; But cmon book.
FancyShark: That's some Goldfinger shit
gellaho: Better question, why is any of this happening
GDC: They even did the stolen art bit from dr. no
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Belt?; It was a belt thing?; What the fuck is the point of this?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: Point?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: It's amazing how just this one detail has thrown my whole sense of this off.
FancyShark: The author is just openly defying the prompt they were given
gellaho: Cylinders
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: Stop saying "penetrated"
FancyShark: "Like this-"; <zip>; Joe and Frank: "NO!"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: There are so many other words you could use. Like "stuck my hand thru" or "Bypassed."
gellaho: Hey, look: it's the cover
gellaho: (black laser cylinders not pictured)
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal: They're behind the black. Chilling with Homestar.
FancyShark: We could have had star adventures. But no, we had to settle for SPECTRE's little brother
gellaho: OK, so the lasers are programmed not to shoot the art. But, the suit of armor isn't included in that?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage: The face of a person admiring a butt and not being covert about it.