95: A Hardy Boys and Tom Swift Ultra Thriller #2: The Alien Factor Franklin W. Dixon

FancyShark

This is the first time I've felt betrayed by one of these books

Brendan

Run, Frank, she's from Jersey now!

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Do you think M'na knows how to use the three seashells?

Brendan

I mean she plainly fucks.

Her people probably have access to mollusks we can't imagine.

gellaho

Sure, might as well

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Oh shit, I hope they give her a copy of Cobra and tell her this is normal for humans.

Brendan

Picture this book but the Overlords raise her up on Bloodsport.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

GIF

Brendan

Behold our hot dog star queen

gellaho

Then apparently she uses some kind of expletive

LyraV

The mollusk Kumite is a tempting thought.

Brendan

You can't prove she didn't say a slur.

FancyShark

Goddammit, did Tom just create 4chan?

gellaho

Well, unfortunately, it's permanent

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Its the 90s so its probably not the n-word, they wouldnt blink at that.

Just say shes from New Joisey.

Californians cant tell anyway.

FancyShark

No, that word still got some looks in the 90s. We thought racism was mostly over by then

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Oh of course they set it to Russian accent.

LyraV

Damn it Tom can you go 5 fucking pages without telling a woman to stop talking? Come on.

gellaho

Brother Box ™️

LyraV

I've spent this whole book trying to get you to communicate, now shut up and listen

FancyShark

Guess they didn't want to get sued by DC

gellaho

The brain annex

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Oh shit shes a New Gods fan.

Brendan

Okay, I'm starting to think this is a freelancing comic writer.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Jork Kibbly?

Brendan

Can't comprehend how angry I'd be if I met an alien sex queen and she was from Bayonne.

LyraV

You could have said he was 'box-shocked' author it was right there.

gellaho

Oh, we're doing this cliché too, eh?

gellaho

FancyShark

Naturally she requires a host body for her self-sufficient brain

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Oh for fuck's sake they call it Brother Box.

gellaho

"I don't really see what that has to do with transportation, but sure."

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Hey uh......Mina? We're doing our best here, maybe dont be so critical considering the circumstances."

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

What, is she on the run from Darksyde too?

FancyShark

"Mina, you drink skim milk. Your opinions are already suspect."

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Oh no, Mina, I meant teach us fusion, we are asking for an uplift."

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Give her fried chicken and a Mt. Dew and watch her die like she's a former South American president.

gellaho

Bimbo's back

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Brooklynese, lol.

gellaho

Too cool to live

LyraV

Whoa Mandy take it down a notch.

FancyShark

Mandy's body would later be found ripped in half, length-wise

Brendan

I'm okay with it because thirty years later we haven't learned. The trope proves itself.

gellaho

maaaaaaaaaaaannnnn

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

To be fair, I'd also rather hang out with a golden space goddess with superhuman strength than Handy Mandy.

gellaho

Why does she get all the nerds!?

LyraV

Because women hate all other women, of course.

gellaho

When they're taking all the cute dorks, yeah

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Mandy is going to have to invent her own book carrying robot at this rate.

gellaho

Felt like including the page number. Not for any particular reason

FancyShark

Nice

LyraV

Mandy walking up to him just to slag this other person off feels extreme but hey I guess you gotta fight for a dude like....that.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Of course the space alien has a grasp of Earth fashion.

FancyShark

Zubaz. All zubaz

gellaho

A rare pragmatic Joe

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Early 90s so its a lime green leotard.

Headband.

Bright purple and hot pink bracelets.

gellaho

It's not hard to be better than Tom Swift. He did buy her jammies his favorite my little ponies on them.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

She has a slap bracelet in there.

Big dangly earrings.

And a jean jacket.

gellaho

What could possibly go wrong

FancyShark

Joe Hardy: Space Racist

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Lol instant suspicion.

FancyShark

I'm holding onto my prediction about his summer cold killing any evil aliens they encounter

gellaho

No confederacy has ever gone wrong, you're right

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Joe.........if shes your age, do you think maybe she just doesnt know?

gellaho

Some area code details for the kids

gellaho

Joe loves Little House on the Prairie

FancyShark

Ah, good. The Feds are always the good guys in Alien Visitor stories

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"YAYYY! I LOVE finding out new area codes! What new area codes will be in this ripping Tom Swift and Hardy Boys adventure!" said every child of 1993.

Are we sure Joe isnt a 13 year old girl from Iowa?

gellaho

Some pasta, so obviously the pizzeria it is

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Because in 1993 that was the main demographic for Little House on the Prairie aside from Ronald Reagan.

No burgers? She isnt getting any of that Hardy on.

FancyShark

If Chet seduces the space goddess, this book will win my heart

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Goddam vegetarian aliens.

Dont think I dont know you'd eat us if you had the chance, Mina.

Play it cool all you want.

gellaho

On the way back, a fun surprise

FancyShark

Nice job, Joe

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Hahahahah no it can't Tom.

gellaho

Manlike shapes or "men"

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

But how many tall mans tall were the manlike men???

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Frank and Joe vs the California IRA?

FancyShark

Now they all get on their bicycles and peddle off into the sky

pedal

gellaho

Mina responds with an offense of offensive language

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Starts humming My Little Armalite

gellaho

Espionage Resources, llc

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

All fun and games until Mina yanks one of their arms off.

Frank maybe shut up with your handlers code name, you dork.

FancyShark

"We cosplay black ops. We really can't thank you enough for playing along with this."

gellaho

A Casefile to look forward to

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Hitting someone with the barrel of a gun seems like a great way to break your gun.

They have shoulder stocks for a reason, lads. Use them.

FancyShark

Guess the Hardy Boys aren't U.S.E.R. friendly

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Oh so these guys are the CIA, gotcha.

gellaho

This ghostwriter wants to fuck every character in this book

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

GIF

FancyShark

GIF

gellaho

Jack Cates

gellaho

Named by someone who really liked Lost

FancyShark

haha, no but seriously, what's your name?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Jack you are really a dumb motherfucker.

gellaho

If this isn't a government job, and you're going to murder us, why did you say what we were doing was illegal?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

He may be a merc, but he can't abide a lawbreaker

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Yeah Tom? I know you arent up on all the spy lingo but you should understand how "eliminate" is used as a thin euphemism for "murder these dipshits and stuff them in oil drums."

gellaho

It is a bold move to give them a vehicle and expect them to crash it themselves

FancyShark

So we're two for two now on evil mercs who suck at their jobs

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"I cut your brakes, so be a good chap and drive to your death."

FancyShark

"No, you're Cates. He's Frank."

"Shut up, Joe."

gellaho

Now that's a Hardy Boys chapter ending

FancyShark

Yeeeeesssss

There's the good stuff

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Or you could like throw them off a cliff or just shoo.......well not shoot them in the face because the Hardy Boys are immune to gun.

gellaho

This ghostwriter really likes this cursing bit

gellaho

Which you want in a children's book

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Remember to smile for the Splash Mountain cameras!

FancyShark

It's not a bad bit. It just clashes with the tone of the book.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Children love learning new curse words.

gellaho

Tom Swift engages asphyxiation protocols

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Learning the words "shitfucker" was like a gift from God.

gellaho

"That doesn't explain why it's in your van"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Tom? Tom? Does this mean you put a fucking jet engine in your van? Tom!?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Perfectly legible through a mouthful of air bag

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Tom, seriously, did you put a jet engine in your van? Have you had a jet van the whole time?

Legally if you had a jet van you have to tell me.

gellaho

Incredible gyrations

FancyShark

Those never go wrong!

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Tom is in the process of independently inventing Action Park.

gellaho

Don't play with your food, Joe

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

The only waterpark where you could be cut by teeth embedded in a waterslide. By accident.

LyraV

No one has ever called it that Joe, what the fuck?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Joe make your dinner take you out for dinner before you blow it.

Have some self respect Joe, and only blow dinners you like.

Or get money for, I dont judge.

gellaho

Boom boom

FancyShark

Fuck yes

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Why not just shoot them with the rocket while they were right in front of you

gellaho

My prized van!

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I feel like it'd be an easier shot

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Hahahahah sweet, Cates watched the same movies I did growing up.

FancyShark

Tom, you were not a van man. You didn't even have a wizard painted on it.

gellaho

Musement

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

State troopers are going to be baffled by how this van accidentally rolled off a cliff and was destroyed by an antitank rocket, the perfect crime].

gellaho

Joe's brain is melting

gellaho

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

He caught some kind of star virus from Mina.

FancyShark

All the head trauma finally reached Joe's brain. All at once.

LyraV

It was only a matter of time.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

gellaho

My anti-bug force field

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I dunno it sounds like Joe just got some Havana Syndrome.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

What a great chekovs gun. Don't even mention it's there until it's fired. Great writing

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Tom.......Tom? You have a way to keep insects away from people?

Tom? Do you understand how important that would be, Tom?

I dont feel like you get how big of a deal this is Tom.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Tom singlehandedly solved mosquitoes and is just sitting around with his thumb up his ass

LyraV

Yeah but Tom doesn't care about OTHER people only himself.

gellaho

I'm just going to share all of this because I cannot follow what's happening

gellaho

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Tom has basically unlimited wealth, I dunno why the government is concerned he might be selling nuclear secrets.

LyraV

If they're bitten by mosquitos it's because they should have been born rich and smart y'know?

FancyShark

His dad is desperately trying to signal to him that they're being watched and Tom is thinking "what? We have bug zappers"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Like I would sell nuclear secrets for like 10k and a handjob, and that's why I dont have any nuclear secrets, because I'm poor.

FancyShark

Holy shit, I called it!

gellaho

Can't figure out what bugs have to do with cars, or how those cars got into their highly guarded facility without anybody noticing

Or where they are coming from

Just vehicles appearing at will

FancyShark

Mandy is determined to get that D

LyraV

Uh oh, we all know what 'we've got to talk' means. Tom doesn't though so I'm sure this will play out hilariously.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Harlan needs to learn the first rule of gun safety. Never point your gun at something you dont intend to kill. Warning shots are for dipshits.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Ghostwriter heard Chandler's advice about having a man with a gun appear every time you don't know what to do with a scene and is applying it liberally

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Mandy, right now some shady mercenaries are besieging my dads compound, can we do this later?"

"ITs ALWAYS SOMETHING WITH YOU!"

FancyShark

"Oh, I'm remembering that."

gellaho

This picture should replace that first one

FancyShark

"Oh right, the thing that was visible the whole time."

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Super secret squirrel shit, sitting in a parking lot with a visibly marked car. Nobody suspects a thing.

LyraV

Fox Mulder style

gellaho

My new phone decides to get extremely hot and forgets to do things I tell it. It's great

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

No wonder these U.S.E.R. guys get shown up by an agency that employs teen dipshits.

gellaho

Anyway, twice as witchy

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

GIF

Like this.

FancyShark

Mandy's for sure going to apologize for her behavior

gellaho

"Weren't we just there? Where are we?"

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Space is warped and time is bendable!

FancyShark

Author must've forgotten to cut one of the drafts

gellaho

Tom takes them straight back to where the were almost murdered

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Wait, why do we need your brain scrambling bowling ball right now?"

FancyShark

"Orb has the keys"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"The last thing that it did was teach our alien friend to talk like a fucking dollar store Ninja Turtle."

gellaho

Is USER still there? Of course

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

gellaho

But who could have seen that coming

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Huh its almost like leaving some dudes to take shit from labs is a good idea, TOM.

gellaho

Spark up a fat one, brother

FancyShark

Not sure how you manage to forget your line when you're a written character, but nice job, evil guy

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

You are just never ready to be the first dude killed by an alien bio computer.

gellaho

Dehydration never killed anyone

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Joe just needs some gatorade and a quick Malwarebytes scan.

He'll be right as rain.

LyraV

Unless....I stab you and drink your blood Tom, you won't be missed.

gellaho

An hour never killed anyone

LyraV

Look it's been a long couple weeks but I realize that was a bit dark hehe

FancyShark

Kinda seems like you should always have that feature on

LyraV

sorry no one is going to stab Tom and drink his blood much less Frank Hardy

FancyShark

I mean, I thought it was good

gellaho

Good thing nobody saw the giant golden robot

LyraV

I FORGOT ABOUT THE ROBOT

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

If watching giant robot shows has taught me anything giant robots and kaiju are surprisingly stealthy.

gellaho

San Francisco? Good thing they have a little rich boy

FancyShark

"It was fine. I simply blinded every witness."

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Its cute they assume the rest of the government will act in good faith and not just be like "Oh we dont care you were up to shady shit."

gellaho

Hugh Hunt? I gotta find out what book this is

FancyShark

Book 6

The Crowning Terror

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Note to ghostwriter. Fuckable aliens and van explosions, yes. Spy shit, dont bother.

Stick to your wheelhouse.

gellaho

Tom Swift's Portable Key Smelter

FancyShark

Did we lose Brendan?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

ALMOST as strong?

gellaho

Already got it then

Splinter Cell: Frank Hardy

gellaho

"The Irritated Nonsmoker Demanded" is how they'll translate the name of my biopic in Japan

FancyShark

These guys are written like Neil Breen characters

LyraV

We subscribed to a tier that's completely unreasonable and all we get are more orders.

gellaho

Mr Sunshine

FancyShark

If it's the Mr. Sunshine from Saint's Row 2, this is going to get really scary

LyraV

Unless it's Captain Sunshine from the Venture Bros then it's a whole different type of scary

gellaho

The supers pies? The super spees? Oh, super spies.

LyraV

Evidence of WHAT?

gellaho

"I don't like the sound of that at all, no siree"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Mr. Sunshine is such a terrible ironic nickname for a torturer.

LyraV

Mr. Lollipops and Mr. Rainbows were both already taken.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Unless he gives people really bad sunburns.

gellaho

I don't know, this plot seems a little underboiled to me

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

1993.....the world? Too peaceful?

lol

FancyShark

That's a good question, narrator. Where DOES the alien come into this?

gellaho

Laidlaw

FancyShark

Not Loblaw?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Said the analyst to the specimen collector.

gellaho

Eh, kids?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Joe read like half of The Arms of Krupp and got bored.

gellaho

Laidlaw: We fuck law

FancyShark

Kids love war profiteering

gellaho

I knew that area code was important

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Its funny how often we get told about the evils of the military industrial complex but never get around to doing anything about it.

gellaho

maaaaaaaaaaaannnnn

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I mean if two squares like Frank and Joe are saying it it must be bad.

FancyShark

Pointing it out is easier

gellaho

Frank finds free samples illogical

FancyShark

So the whole space alien thing is abandoned at this point

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Frank doesnt shop at Costco, confirmed.

Brendan

what happened after M'na was three Frank Stallones in a trenchcoat?

gellaho

Frank asks for complete access to all government computer systems

LyraV

It's all arms dealers and ponderous code names now.

FancyShark

Apparently there's a rival government agency called USER and now it's a corporate espionage story

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Tom Swift grows up to be Tom Clancy at this rate.

FancyShark

Also, they tried to blow up Tom and the Hardys with a rocket launcher

gellaho

That's not the expression

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Boy I sure do love how this book turned into The Hunt For Red October instead of continuing to be about a rad alien girl having fun adventures.

LyraV

Could have cut it like a cake with a knife at a child's birthday party at Chuck E Cheese in Chicago. THAT MUCH DOUBT

gellaho

The Gray Man gives away all the government secrets to two teens on a hunch

FancyShark

At least we know where the author stopped writing for a while

Gray Man just told them all the Gameshark codes for the best Pokemon starters

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

The.......army construction battalion?

LyraV

The cigarette smoking man walks by the Grey Man and just shoots him.

FancyShark

<BANG>

"Stop it!"

Brendan

This is where the unfinished manuscript gets ported in.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

This is why you never throw a shitty book idea away, you never know when your unused Rainbow Six manuscript will come in handy.

gellaho

Tom Swfthands