95: A Hardy Boys and Tom Swift Ultra Thriller #2: The Alien Factor Franklin W. Dixon

Brendan

Some are autumns, some are winters, you're a fennel.

gellaho

And if he's such a super genius, quadratic equations wouldn't be hard

He's in fucking high school

Brendan

Tom invents time travel but women and their crrrraaazy sizes!

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Literally just give her a hoodie, a scarf, and some sunglasses.

FancyShark

Go easy on him. He was meant to be a butcher.

Brendan

Butchering that alien pussy.

FancyShark

Heyoooo!

Brendan

There it is. The crassest punchline of my 2023. I regret NOTHING.

gellaho

Like "medium" and "small"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

And its only May.

FancyShark

Tom buys so many booty shorts

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

The crassest punchline so far

Brendan

Tom, she's an alien, just get her something that fits and worry about fashion later.

She doesn't even need clothes.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Tom..........did you buy makeup for her legs? Maybe shorts arent a great idea.

FancyShark

I hope she just eats all the clothes

gellaho

Tom looks through his sister's clothing

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Tom doesnt know about breasts.

gellaho

Brendan wants to see that bug vagina

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Because even as a teen I knew women have different sizes of shirts because of boobs.

Brendan

This alien is unique; she's so new there isn't even a Rule 34 of her yet.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Tom has always been doing this. Now he just had an excuse to do it publicly.

gellaho

Umhmm

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"insectussy" is the scientific term, I believe.

FancyShark

"They said you're a national security threat. Should I let them in?"

Oh no

What happens if Joe falls for the alien lady?

gellaho

Update: two days later and nothing has happened

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Who? Oh the hamburger dipshits. Yeah let them in."

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Car Bomb.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

If it's an alien isn't it technically a xenussy

FancyShark

And then the Intergalactic Genocide begins

gellaho

Gorpoblorcho

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Only if it doesnt fit into a proper existing taxonomy, I think.

FancyShark

Writer had a stroke but kept right on typing.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I think history judges Gorpoblorcho unfairly.

Glasnost was a good idea on paper.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Dan.........are you okay? Do you smell Toast?"

gellaho

Classic squid move

FancyShark

How are the humans having less natural dialogue than the alien?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Yeah so just go ahead and mess with my teen boss and his lab, that way he wont become a mega nerd."

FancyShark

Fuck yeah, new title @gellaho

gellaho

"Because corpse ladies are hot, man"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Also Dan underestimates Tom. He would invent a machine to give him home vision corrective surgery before he wore glasses.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Whoa, what the fuck Dan, you don't have to throw out the ableist slurs like that

FancyShark

Dan jumps in the factory runoff and never resurfaces

gellaho

Sounds like something a spazoid would say

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Dan you have been told so many times, that's not a swimming pool. It's a coolant reservoir, that water is highly radioactive."

gellaho

I don't like how horny this ghostwriter is

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Yeah you know what Joe? Tom thinks he's so smart, you should take him down a peg or two by dating and then letting his sister explode.

FancyShark

"Hi, Sandra. I don't think I'm still contagious."

gellaho

Tom's sister looking to get carbombed

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

We had to be told all of this instead of shown because that's how talented storytellers operate

Brendan

Specifically, Fantomah

FancyShark

Some guys have hair on their shoulders, Sandra

gellaho

That's not a thing

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Tom retaliates by turning Sandra's hair into snakes later.

Blond snakes.

"Gentlemen prefer blonds!" he will shriek as he leaps out the window into the night.

Brendan

Tom's new machine negates all hair to make dating equitable.

THERE IS ONLY FLESH

FancyShark

It's Coastspeak!

gellaho

Good to know that ghostwriters across the board can't figure out "blonde"

gellaho

Just a bunch of shades, barbers, and loxies

Joe's a great detective

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"AND FUCKING A BLONDE TERRORIST!" Joe shouts, forgetting he didnt speak his train of thought out loud."

FancyShark

It feels good to be back in the fun kind of stupid Hardy adventure

gellaho

"All the kids must be hot," thought the ghostwriter. "Kids also love hoedowns, based on what I've read."

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Tom Swift's secret spy date could be a real life Atomic Blonde, Joe burgered thoughtfully to himself.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

The kind were we might find that Tom didnt find an alien or anything just some weird girl who likes Star Trek.

FancyShark

"A hoedown? You mean we can get even whiter?"

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Only if we bring Miley Cyrus into it

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Fuck you Rick, you said it was a hootenanny!"

gellaho

Somebody needed to turn the hose on this ghostwriter

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"THE HELL I DID! Its a hoedown!"

gellaho

gellaho

A classic California activity

FancyShark

A horny teenager? What is this science fiction?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Also Tom starting to tell her shes going to be cold. In California.

gellaho

Are they horny for Tom Swift? Yes it is

LyraV

She actively kissed you Tom and you can sort out whats going on with her. Telling.

gellaho

Really reads like they walked in on him jerking it

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Tom......they were trying to rescue their dad.

Brendan

Poor Mandy getting her personality overwritten by a writer, a gram of coke, and a nine-day deadline.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

You're such an asshole, Tom.

Brendan

In Tom's defense he's about to be the first person to make it with an alien mantis queen.

LyraV

If they'd actually waltzed in together this whole story would be much better.

gellaho

What, is Simon & Schuster worried Weekly World News is going to sue them for writing Batboy?

gellaho

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Tom doesnt even communicate well with human women, I dont see why hes so quick to think an alien will be any better.

gellaho

I would have thought he'd be worried about the tabloids because that's how The Black Dragon communicated in the last book

FancyShark

Don't tease us with the possibility of a Ratboy adventure, author!

gellaho

Boy that book was fucking weird

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Also the Ratboy thing was a one off." Tom thought. "Totally an accident."

gellaho

"Eh, you weren't interested in my shooting stars earlier, madame"

FancyShark

I'm pretty sure several papers would still write "Boy Scientist Discovered Living With Girl Alien" if she wasn't an extraterrestrial, Tom. Some people are assholes and some are desperate for headlines.

Tom, does she have to spell it out?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Yes.

LyraV

You're so dope at communication Tom, clearly.

gellaho

Jesus Christ

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Mandy why did you even like him in the first place?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Thank god. I was worried she'd actually commit to Tom.

FancyShark

Women be communicating, amirite?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Like again, even as a dipshit teen, I knew that girls get mad when you blow them off for no good reason.

FancyShark

It's pretty universal

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Yeah weirdly enough, not limited to girls, TOM.

gellaho

☑️ Redhead

FancyShark

Rick is stuck in a loop

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Mandy is going to fuck Frank so hard.

Just bang the shit out of him until he's woozy and concussed.

FancyShark

Then fight an infinite Callie army, like a good version of that Neo vs Smiths fight

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Or that bit in Metabarons where Aghora fights a woman who replicates herself while Aghora is also giving birth.

FancyShark

God, Aghora was so awesome

gellaho

Didn't expect to see the word "bimbo," but here we are

FancyShark

"I feel like I've been kicked in the balls. Now he's going to know how that feels."

Brendan

He finally found someone else who speaks in base-60.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

It is kind of funny that Mandy thinks Tom, who is such a dork he barely notices his girlfriend is DTF tonight, is cheating on her tho.

gellaho

What are you, a Babylonian? I'll see myself out

Brendan

Women: the gentle sex

Nobody gets teen girls like a middle-aged male writer.

gellaho

A caravan of teens

Brendan

Take it from me, author of 1930s hit series, Dinky Dax's Sloppy Jalopy: The Clue in the Razoo

gellaho

The Hardy Boys do not understand those who don't live the Hardy Boys lifestyle

"ol' san antone" jakesy

If I were Tom, I would simply go up to Mandy and kiss her to stop him from shaking

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Of course Rick drives a Jaguar.

FancyShark

There's a genuinely fun comedy of errors in this, but the writer is too creepy to notice

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Frank and Joe simply get bored and shoot everyone to death to solve the potential problem.

"ol' san antone" jakesy

As it is right now Tom's caught up in a world of uphill climbing

gellaho

The Hardy Boys somehow tail two cars on foot

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I bet Tom uses a ton of gas in that van of his.

FancyShark

This whole thing is taking place in a roundabout

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

And Tom? When you put your supervillain lair on top of a mountain, you should have some kind of way up it that doesnt involve driving a van up.

gellaho

You know how alarms sound unearthly?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Creeping along at like three miles an hour.

Oh shit they're going to Silent Hill.

FancyShark

It used to require a rickety cart pulled by a lone horse. But times change.

gellaho

Tom keeping his bug-girl secret by threat of death

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I always forget Frank is supposed to be the technical minded one.

FancyShark

It's refreshing that all of Tom's supervillain tendencies are going to sink him when he's being suspected of something he didn't do

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Fortunately for Rick the laser cannons and hunter-killer drones are another mile up ahead.

gellaho

Watch out! He's got a remote control!

FancyShark

"How do I communicate my vision? Lots of things have remotes. Better specify a VCR."

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

And this is why you always carry a gun, Frank and Joe. You could shoot Tom right now and it would be perfectly legal. He has you in a fucking booby trap, that's way beyond Castle Doctrine laws already.

gellaho

A reference that will last forever

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

What Tom doesn't know is that that really is just the remote for the VCR and the Barbarian Brothers are already peeling out of the city with the universal remote prototype.

"ol' san antone" jakesy

Some computers are for sure rigged to blow

gellaho

Tom Swift: Master of Deception

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Tom you stupid bastard.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

"Awwww jeez guys, why can't you just leave me alone T_T"

"ol' san antone" jakesy

GIF

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Just vaporize them, you can have clones ready before Saturday.

FancyShark

If this was a comic or movie, Tom would have just winked at the camera

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

GIF

gellaho

I wonder why that Tom Swift series didn't last very long

FancyShark

Mandy's not going to let this one go

gellaho

Very dirty

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Tom "Makes his Girlfriend Cry" Swift. Boy Hitlerrrrrr.

Brendan

The Hardy Boys do not understand LA posturing.

"ol' san antone" jakesy

So you're saying she's a face through the window

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Weird that we had to take the time out to shit on whoever tuned the engine on this jag

"ol' san antone" jakesy

Crying in the night

Brendan

They are noble Connecticut natives. They understand only hard work and bad driving.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

And Boigin.

So much boigin.

gellaho

That's what most people remember about Hitler

F- joke

"ol' san antone" jakesy

I'm going to jam this Manilow bit in whether it works or not but tbh it's working pretty damn well

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

FancyShark

"My humor is timeless" thought the author

gellaho

"An idiot? Perfect!"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I like how quickly the Hardy boys have decided they dont like Tom again.

Brendan

Name two differences.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Hardy Boys Do It From Behind.

gellaho

A very cool joke

FancyShark

Don't give the writer ideas

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Hardy Boys Do It In The Dead Of Night

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Very cool joke, Frank.

Brendan

"REAL funny, LOUD MOUTH," retorted Joe. "Tell it to the Marines!"

Who am I to poke fun? My jokes haven't even lasted ten years.

Because of the WOKE MOB. It's all your faults!

gellaho

"That little shorts and T-shirt outfit"

"ol' san antone" jakesy

Shouldn't have been standing on the edge of time

Brendan

It's getting so you can't even make fun of the disadvantaged and disabled and otherwise less fortunate than you these days.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Because Corey Hart whips ass, Frank. This is known.

"ol' san antone" jakesy

Guys who tell cool jokes should know the answer to that already

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Reliable Joe to notice the alien girl looks cute in her shorts.

gellaho

I am also confused as to why she's wearing sunglasses when they're alone, but more concerned about the old-time horniness

Brendan

My one mistake was being born too late for the easy discoveries, like boron and sarcasm.

gellaho

JOE SMASH

Brendan

That was a sarcastic joke, borons.

"ol' san antone" jakesy

Dames these days with their little t-shirt petticoats

Brendan

You know that tall, golden blonde in too-small, too-scant clothing with a cosmic-scale brain in her head is kinda cute.

gellaho

JOE SMASHED

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Alien girl melts the Hardy Boys with a gamma emitter?

LyraV

Yes do it

Brendan

gasp the final element, this is my crush now.

LyraV

throw hiiiiiim

Brendan

Strong AND breaks Joe's skull.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

And in that moment Joe knew true love.

FancyShark

IS SHE THE ONE?!

Brendan

I'm ready for her to lay her eggs in me.

gellaho

Frank responds with karate to the head

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Fuck yeah, M'na is rad.

Brendan

Which is something I've only previously said about Shirley Manson.

It's two pulp adventurers vs. the actual bridge between Weird Science and DCU.

gellaho

Joe loses all his bones, but immediately stands up. For he is immortal

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Two burgerish dipshits vs the star born strength of a space goddess.

FancyShark

Fuck yes. It's Hulk vs Thor time

Brendan

This is Iron Frank and Captain Joemerica vs. Adam'na Warlock.

Brendan

The battle we HAD to show--because YOU demanded it, true believOH MY GOD HE DIED

gellaho

It's telling that Frank and Joe immediately noticed the bug eyes and it took Mina projecting her vision into Tom's head for him to notice

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"OH JESUS FUCK NO!" He finished as she lunged for him, ovipositor at the ready, quivering for his moist orifices.

FancyShark

She must've really hit him. Normally Joe doesn't stop attacking until a chapter break.

gellaho

Do I want to know why Tom was putting makeup all over her while they were alone and protected by deadly security

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Also she has a really well made robot, it didnt explode from being too near a Hardy.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

He was gonna take her to prom

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Book's not over yet

gellaho

"Somehow nobody noticed the giant spaceship exploding in our solar system"

Brendan

I don't know why they're going to prom when they've already mated in their mutual cultures' courting battle.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

In space no one can hear you kerblooie

Brendan

So this book came out in the X-Files era, I take it.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Tom.........do you think maybe regardless of how much you wanna fuck the alien girl, maybe hiding her in your treehouse is not the best response?

gellaho

Frank can't believe Tom hasn't figured this out already

FancyShark

"Tom, we mostly handle international espionage and murders committed by disgruntled movie stars. Space aliens are a bit outside our wheelhouse."

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Because worst thing that happens to her is the feds dissect her before she impregnates Joe Biden.

gellaho

1993, so was written before it

FancyShark

Frank just became my favorite character ever.

gellaho

Like everything in The Book Cage

Someday you guys will learn that all ideas originate from garbage

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Watch Frank just strike up a conversation likes shes fucking R2D2.

Brendan

I guess we were just at a collective "The government lies to us" stage.

Joe translates because he speaks aikido star-toss.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

A time which never came again!

gellaho

Psychotronics don't work on gleep glops

FancyShark

The Twiktill?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

He has absolutely no idea he just said "Hey dipshit, keep your hands where I can see them." in her language.

gellaho

As tall as one very tall man was tall

Brendan

I don't even know what the joke is now that there's a standing militia of the elderly and stupid who are like "Government is evil" which, yes, but then also "It doesn't hurt enough people, I'm going to burn this country down because I love it."

FancyShark

You could make up any alien name and you chose "Tinkerbell, no wait"?

Brendan

Like how do you frame that in the crossover Venn of these lunkheads with Tom Swift?

It's like the world's worst Fringe episode.

gellaho

Dweeeeeeeeeeeeeb

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Don't look at me man, I only work here

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Shush Joe, let the turbo nerds converse.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Frank, I have a one panel humorous comic for this technological era that I think you may enjoy

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

In the meantime, that alien girl is cute, go talk to her, Joe.

Brendan

HE INVENTED A PSYCHIC SWEATBAND AND NEVER THOUGHT TO TRY IT

FancyShark

Frank's blood feud with Linus Torvalds would claim four generations and the water supply of half of Europe

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

She kicked your ass, maybe she could survive a car bomb or two.

Brendan

Dos or C, amirite

gellaho

You are so wise

Frank solves all the problems with a laser-iron while Joe attempts to talk to an alien

FancyShark

It's happening! The Prelude to the End War!

FancyShark

Dare we hope he has to karate fight her father?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

This will become my favorite book if he does.

FancyShark

"It also keeps broadcasting a plea for death. Is that normal?"

Brendan

She understands perfectly, she just is trying not to say bless your heart.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Shut the fuck up nerd, I have a nerd brother, remember? I know what neurons are."

gellaho

I promise you are not ready for what comes next

Brendan

That was Frank's last thought as the golden wires laced his cortex.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Orb is becoming a man that's all.

gellaho

I'm looking at it and I can't believe it

Brendan

Guys, I know I invoke this a lot

LyraV

No I don't think it is

FancyShark

oh god no

Brendan

But from a plot element standpoint, this is the second closest we've ever stood to Rex Moran showing up.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

When a hyper intelligent robot and an organic computer love each other very much, or just think they're hot and up for it, this is what happens.

Brendan

NO

i refuse

gellaho

Yo

LyraV

you hold onto that beautiful dream

Brendan

We have three options.

And only one of them is Stallone.