95: A Hardy Boys and Tom Swift Ultra Thriller #2: The Alien Factor Franklin W. Dixon

gellaho

Pretend I said Tomgo Swifthands

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Distant relative of Torgo Scrotehands.

Brendan

so she's not an alien?

FancyShark

She is. She's just absent now.

gellaho

And by leveraging intense government secrets, the boys learn information they already knew

Brendan

Tom Swift in the land of amazonian love bugs

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I think they fibbed to Uncle Sam and said she was from Brooklyn.

FancyShark

Saving this for reasons

Brendan

fuckin' A

LyraV

Oh Frank come on now, Everyone considers you a serious annoyance.

gellaho

And my contacts within the secret government secrets tell me we must pause for now

FancyShark

GASP

TO BE CONTINUED

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Okay but that cover is pretty cool.

LyraV

Ohhhhhh snap must wait another week to discover the fate of Mina or M'na? Whichever.

FancyShark

Great job, everyone!

👽 Sexual Trash Ninja Mo

hell yeah I believed in all of you

or something

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Whoaaa dude, I almost dropped my hackey sack!"

gellaho

So pauses the 95th Edition of The Book Cage

gellaho

May your alien babes not learn problematic accents

FancyShark

Have a great night, everybody!

Thank you, @gellaho !

LyraV

This one was a trip, thanks @gellaho and @FancyShark

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Thanks @gellaho !

gellaho

The Book Cage: Episode 95.5 - A Hardy Boys and Tom Swift Ultra Thriller: The Alien Factor Part 2

In the first part of this Ultra Thriller ™️, we learned that in the Hardy Boys universe that the US Intelligence community comprises not only the FBI, CIA, but also The Network and U.S. Espionage Resources or U.S.E.R. Strangely, U.S.E.R. appears to be privatized, but the ghostwriter also refers to them as "another government intelligence agency." Anyway, they have the Insectoid-Reptilian babe although Tom Swift seems more concerned about the missing space ship. Joe's found himself another girlfriend, will she explode? Find out this Friday, 5pm eastern.

gellaho

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

It's government-privatized. It's like "fresh-frozen"

gellaho

Under an hour until A Hardy Boys and Tom Swift Ultra Thriller: The Alien Factor. The Ultra thrills and ultra chills begin with throwing away a spaceship.

FancyShark

Heyyyyy! The writer remembered the first plot!

Brendan

it's been a day. I'm ready for it.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I cant wait to find out that the alien girl is just a weird Eastern European with a skin disorder and a set of contacts.

Brendan

Didn't plan on drinking, BUT let's make today a good one.

gellaho

Time to resume the Ultra Thriller

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Lift those crates, boys! Beam those lasers! Space Poon depends on it!!

Blight

We got this buddy, you can just crouch!

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Aaaaand jazzhands!!

gellaho

The hull hole really makes you think

gellaho

You know, organic computer material

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

This production of Starlight Express has great value but I dont think they read the script well.

gellaho

That thing you can recognize on sight

Everyone has seen bleeding organic computer material

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Hahaha ghostwriter is trying to describe "Cylon Raider" but he's only managing "blurry space something with chewy center"

FancyShark

Newer models even sweat!

They sweat acid. We're still working on that.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Which is why you never go for water cooled CPUs.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

This one was grape flavored. Dont ask how Tom knows that.

gellaho

When I see green goo, I instantly think brain matter and alien blood.

gellaho

It's why nickelodeon was so terrifying

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

The Secret Slime Action is: "being a poorly written character in a terrible book"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Holy shit Joe is kind of right about something.

FancyShark

You Can't Do That, Tom Swift

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Broken clocks

Brendan

Meat plane gets purple heart, that's what I'm reading.

gellaho

All corporate spies look like scaly bug people, it's true

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Tho it IS phrased in the stupidest possible way that isnt caveman speak.

Tom, you huffy bitch, you think NOW is the best time to get indignant that a rogue government agency thinks you are involved in corporate espionage?

FancyShark

Tom, you have a mad scientist castle. Even light sarcasm should be off limits to you.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Tom you have a fucking TANK!

FancyShark

You have robot servants!

Brendan

I haven't seen a photo of Nick Kroll's dad, but this checks out.

gellaho

The government's pretty big, I guess. Although I'm still not sure if USER is a private business or not

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Tom, quit being such a libertarian.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

If USER were an administrator we'd be in real big trouble.

FancyShark

"Our government is easily prone to failure," says the teenager in a 1990 YA novel.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Nobody likes a science libertarian Tom.

gellaho

Especially considering this is still framed like USER was hired to get this spaceship by Laidlaw

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Big if true

Eric Laidlaw: Merchant of Death just makes him sound radical

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Well yeah Tom if you want a dude to make space weapons with alien tech you DO tend to give a starship to a weapons manufacturer.

Also TOM YOU HAVE AN ELECTRIC RIFLE!

FancyShark

Excuse me, Tom, but he has a third interest. He loves crochet.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

YOU MADE A SHIRT THAT TURNS A MAN INTO A FIGHTING MACHINE!

You killed a dude so hard he disproves evolution.

FancyShark

Tom is Sober Tony Stark

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Your evil science castle has laser cannon turrets.

FancyShark

YOU MADE ROBOT BEES!

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

People who arent dangerous to society dont get their robot servants betraying them.

gellaho

Now Tom is thinking about what the government would have done if they had the spaceship, except they spent the last four pages saying that USER is the government

gellaho

So I am quite befuddled

FancyShark

Don't tease a University War and then not deliver, author!

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Tom, I know its the early 90s and maybe X-Files wasnt necessarily on your radar, but I feel like even then the government would have been expected to bung it in a warehouse in New Mexico and forget about it.

But only after creating a whole base complete with scientists and permanent funding.

gellaho

And now they're saying that people in the government were blackmailed, after spending so much time saying the government foolishly gave the spaceship away

gellaho

So that's like three different versions for what happened

FancyShark

If you can't decide on a plot, choose all of them

gellaho

Just imagine what they're doing to her, kids

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

When you wanna blame the government, the military industrial complex, and also a corporation...

Lets be honest, probably asking her questions about how her people fuck.

Or if she can name presidents.

One of those two.

FancyShark

They are absolutely asking how she fucks

If they get around to it, they might ask if she is hostile

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

And finding out nothing because she lives in a society where contact with different species is common and she knows "Well I inject the male with paralytic venom and chew his head off, then lay eggs in his carcass." is not something very many people want to participate in.

gellaho

And they still haven't taken off her sunglasses. And her makeup hasn't accidentally come off. And she hasn't opened her mouth so they could see her pointy teeth and weird tongue

gellaho

Never hurts to ask

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Or opened her mouth to talk and didnt sound like a 40 year old man in a teen girls body.

Like if Freaky Friday decided to replace Jamie Lee Curtis with Ron Perlman.

gellaho

Motel shootout?

FancyShark

Okay, but I would watch the hell out of that

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Please motel shootout. Please? As a treat, book?

Like we all know Tom has enough lasers for Frank and Joe.

FancyShark

The chapter ends with the entire motel front being sprayed by bullets

gellaho

Joe, you and I both know that's not true

FancyShark

Please go in a Drive direction

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Joe this is your normal Tuesday, and a regular Wednesday for Tom.

Nobody thinks you're cool for downplaying this.

gellaho

Sure, tank motorcycles

gellaho

Why not

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

TANK BIKE!

FancyShark

"This bike is very sturdy and if you crash there's only a 98% chance you'll be cooked in a hellish molten prison as you try to dismount"

gellaho

I feel like somebody would notice this, boys

FancyShark

"Dang! We should have hid from the motorcyclists somewhere more low key. Like Sturgis!"

gellaho

Jack brought his beeper

FancyShark

"Don't ask us how it works"

GDC

It's a Hardy detector

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

It detects Square Particles.

FancyShark

Easier than waiting for car bombs

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

But not as good for the local car economy.

FancyShark

I hope there's a used car dealer in Bayport capitalizing on the car explosions

GDC

He also sells car bombs, he's playing both sides

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

What's it keyed on?

Micro changes in Callie density.

gellaho

I don't really see the connection from A to B there Joe, but you're the child detective I guess

FancyShark

"I'M SO CRAZY, I PUT A BOMB IN EVERY CAR! FREE!"

GDC

More like macro changes in callie density. Any time Callie is reduced to a fine mist, the Hardys are there.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Joe, famously having never heard of wiretaps.

FancyShark

Joe thinks there's only one phone in Washington

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

DEALS YOU CAN ONLY FIND AT BIG BILL HELL'S. FUCK YOU, BAYPORT.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Joe thinks The Gray Man is just listening in like someones grandma on the same line and occassionally yelling "I wanna call Bill."

gellaho

"Now that they thought about it, bringing the heavily branded Swift Enterprises trailer was probably didn't help them hide."

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Tom you didnt even bring ONE laser?

You just went quietly like a wuss.

FancyShark

You know who locks a swivel chair to the floor? Dentists. You followed dentists, Cates.

gellaho

So, you're telling me hacking into every government agency was a bad idea!?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Tom Swift, master hacker.

GDC

He makes some compelling arguments

FancyShark

If you had called from the basement phone AND the upstairs phone, our whole operation would have shut down

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

For once a villain has done this because the hero is an obvious dipshit and I'm reeling.

gellaho

So now he's a rogue agent. Would be great if you could make up your mind about whether or not the government is involved, ghostwriter

FancyShark

The rewrite was not thorough

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

The ghostwriter could have made three books with these plots, amateur.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

gellaho

Yeah, sure, this should be in the book for children. They love whatever it is you're trying to do

FancyShark

Tom "Clancy" Swift

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Okay dude, South American cartels are probably a bigger threat to national security than the Soviets ever were, but go off, king.

gellaho

I also have no idea what scope of work USER is supposed to do

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Secret Squirrel shit always gets real unclear, even before you take into account intelligence agencies always exceed their mandates.

FancyShark

I love how badly the writer is veering off the "space alien crashed on Earth" plotline

gellaho

Stroke it

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Also "We'd rather murder communists" is a little on the nose, ghostwriter.

FancyShark

Pets his gun like a cat

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Like you arent equipped for this level of social commentary, you didnt write Lethal Weapon 2.

gellaho

And now they're doing hits on other government agencies?

FancyShark

Joe, has anyone ever said that with the assumption the person was going to lead a long, full life?

gellaho

Why didn't you just make this either a private spy group or a terrorist organization, ghostwriter?

The Assassins were right there, man

FancyShark

The Assassins would call this plan stupid and over-complicated

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

More research into the lore than ghostwriter was willing to do

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

And Tom has that dollar store Dr. Doom motherfucker.

gellaho

So, he's reporting to his superiors? Which would indicate he's not rogue

FancyShark

They know what the guy in charge of the super secret black ops organization knows and he's gonna need to fill out some forms

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

It's like a Rogue Supreme situation.

gellaho

Oh, they let Tom keep his robot. Smart.

FancyShark

sudo exsanguinate.exe

Brendan

Shit, sorry, I've been here all this time but trying to like...find a place to live and a job to afford it. What happened?

gellaho

Lotta talk about exploded brains in this book for children

FancyShark

They done got captured by USER. Who are either terrorists or rogue agents or another government entity

gellaho

Kids love it

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I hate when my mobile HQ rolls because the driver took a corner too quick.

gellaho

You can't kill an immortal

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

FancyShark

Remember kids: If you're holding a gun and lose balance at all, start shooting

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GTA 4 ragdolls were the best for that

gellaho

Tom Swift's thoughts disorientingly smash into this paragraph

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Cates is just really bad at this.

gellaho

Straight whiplash busting out of third person omniscient out of nowhere

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Im pretty sure those werent Soviet agents now.

Cates was just garrotting random people with beards.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Just in case.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

One time he accidentally injected a pumpkin with neurotoxin.

FancyShark

It still won second place at the fair.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

It was the worst attempt to kill Castro on record.

gellaho

Good thing he tought that orb Morse code for no reason

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

And for decades afterward Linus would wonder why Halloween had lost all its magic.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

YOu had a murder bot the whole time?

gellaho

ROB SMASH

FancyShark

Morse code means he tapped until Orb got annoyed enough to murder

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Tom and Orb are going to grow up to be the bad guys from Phantasm.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Orb is the robot he gave a machine butthole to specifically so he could poke it with things to turn it off or reset it. I'd say Orb is perpetually annoyed.

gellaho

You'd have thought they'd keep rob with them in the motel room, but nah

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

You have to pay an extra fee for pets and murder bots.

FancyShark

🎵 Keep your windows barred. Lock your doors up tight. Cuz Tin Can Hit Man's coming for you tonight.🎵

gellaho

Oh, and the tentacle bot was also there

FancyShark

His tendons are on the outside now

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Tentabox doesn't even have a name yet. Terrible novel craftsmanship

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Man I had forgotten it was called Brother Box.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

God. God fucking damn it.

I forgot it was called Brother Box and just assumed it didn't have a name because I didn't want to remember it was called Brother Box.

gellaho

"Fixing Mina's potty mouth"

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Fuck. Fucking. God. Shit.

gellaho

The ghostwriter really likes this cursing bit

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

gellaho

Regular Mina over here

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Tbh I sympathize. If I had to deal with this stupid Swardy Boys crap in person I'd be a little foul mouthed too.

FancyShark

I still think the cursing bit has potential if it wasn't in this book

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Its very nearly a good joke, because Mina swears like a middle aged dude from Brooklyn in 1993.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

And if it wasn't hammered in every chapter

gellaho

Real creepy, Tom

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Tom, you didnt have to use the word "pretty"

FancyShark

"So pretty and innocent, those aerials"

"Tom, get out of the car"

gellaho

Local referents

FancyShark

These Tom Swift stories are like the show Gotham. All the pieces are in place for the obvious supervillain turn. You're just waiting for whatever accident is supposed to happen to make the magic start.

gellaho

Buy yourself some road maps today

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

The Hardies couldn't have "dopey criminal henchmen" written all over them any harder than if you put them in those henchman outfits from Batman 66

FancyShark

Which was annoying, because they were sitting in Connecticut

gellaho

MORE ROAD MAPS! MORE! ROAD! MAPS!

FancyShark

This is why MapQuest became an industry joke

gellaho

It's just that easy to interface with alien technology. Just mush the wires together

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I refuse to buy "referents" as a word.

gellaho

Reference is hard to spell

"Nevada? Ew"

GDC

Surely Joe knows about area 51

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

God not Nevada.

FancyShark

Nevada's new state motto

gellaho

"Now that you mention it, that does seem like a pretty obvious connection"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Not even a Hardy Boys ghostwriter would make us go to New Mexico in our imaginations.

GDC

Yeah, these are supposed to be for a younger audience

FancyShark

Laidlaw, like any smart rich person, keeps a public record of his address

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Hahahah what kind of dingus merchant of death lives in the Nevada desert?

GDC

One who appreciates cheap real estate?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

He can't be very good at this whole arms dealer thing.

gellaho

Vegas Raiders came three decades early

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Nevada was really hoping for the Monster Wars licensing money to make this stadium worthwhile

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Not every town has a proper industrial base JOE! They have to attract tourists somehow.

Also its the compound of a weird arms dealer who apparently is into aliens, why would he NOT build something like that?

GDC

Look, you need to understand how deeply corrupt the city planners are.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Nic Cage bankrupts himself with dinosaur bones and he's not even an arms dealer.

GDC

It took a shitload of kickbacks to build an arena there.

gellaho

Alrighty. Just go full into sci-fi nonsense

FancyShark

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0399295/

gellaho

Shut the fuck up, you fucking nerds

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I want you to die Tom.

You smug asshole.

FancyShark

"Why don't they measure in 5ft steps?"

gellaho

You shut up too, Joe

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Joe.........its a fucking glass dome.\

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

"The youths definitely say shit like mucho heavy bucks, right"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

in the 90s it would have been something like "mondo dough"

gellaho

It's a good thing security systems are never tripped accidentally

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

it would have been more fun if they were the kind of lasers that cut shit.

FancyShark

Laidlaw has lost so many interns to faulty poison gas sensors

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Listen, it'll be fine, just remember your breathing hood if you gotta dip down to the bathroom

GDC

He buys his lasers from wish.com, and interns are cheap

gellaho

The robots then spend 12 hours carefully installing these fiber optic stickers

gellaho

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Unfortunately the lasers still detected the lenses and the boys were choking out their last in moments.

gellaho

You mean like the one at your compound nobody notices?

FancyShark

Turns out the lasers aren't even part of the security system. They're just ruining a Pink Floyd concert.

gellaho

Even deadlier

FancyShark

"I wonder if he fixed the sterility problem," Tom thought.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Just once id like for lasers to activate the nozzles that release a flood of centipedes into the room.

gellaho

Imagine the nude painting, children

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"A book on crime", Frank you can admit you were looking at nude pantings.

FancyShark

Joe is disappointed the paintings are not edible (i.e. Too high to reach)

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

We've all cranked it to Guernica once or twice, Frank, it was the 90s and we couldnt do better.

You dont have to live like this anymore, Frank. You can be free, and honest with yourself.

gellaho

Mina has been turned into a statue, for some reason

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Hahahahahh what?

gellaho

They apparently threw the spaceship away and froze it's only occupant

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

He what now?

lol.

gellaho

I'm not sure why they wanted it so bad

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Lmao?