The Book Cage: Episode 96 - Surprise Party
This is the most expensive book I've ever bought. There was only one copy on eBay and it was $50. And all to provide you with the Year of Pain you so richly deserve. Nicole Davidson/Kathryn Jensen/Kathryn Johnson is back, and the teens are horny and shitty as ever. This book takes place during Halloween, but the scariest thing of all is how these books can get worse and worse. Find out for yourself this Friday, 5pm eastern.
Oh no
It's real bad
The awful cgi mask on the front is a terrible sign
That's not CGI. That's the actual unedited face of the author
My god
It's Steven Seagal
Made the horns out of carrots
You don't like the half-banana horns? Idk, the bits of dinner that my youngest kid refuses to eat seem like a good proxy for unspeakable evil to me
Weird triangle widow's peak and all
Lower half of face needs to be same fat as upper half of face for Seagalcore
Remember it's angled towards the camera. That tilt takes off like 60% of jowl weight
I saw that book cover and thought it was an old computer game box
Bet it plays like Night Trap
A little under an hour until Surprise Party. Here is the prev-CRASH!
A long slim blade?
Is a slim blade its own kind of tool all of a sudden?
Assassin's Creed: House Party
House Party really recontextualizes the shit out of a woman at a party seeing a "long, slim blade" out of the corner of her eye
Whelp, time for pain
@gellaho , how's the weather?
Hot
Damn, Satan has a son and he's a gamer.
Perfect title @gellaho
Bleagh. Still, glad the storm hasn't landed
That's not a good omen
It's hitting the west coast, I'm not worried about it
Three lusty cheers for Carol and Wally!
Carol and Wally refused to be identified by surname in the final draft.
Swingers extraordinaire.
Reminder: this is the most expensive Book in the Cage at $50
To thee I dedicate this tale of murdered teens by creepy mask perverts.
If the author wasnt just about the squarest person possible I'd say Carol and Wally are her dealers.
Maureen Murphy
Oh bloody hell, this is the Crash Course author
Indeed
Nicole Davidson/Kathryn Jensen/Kathryn Johnson
And, like all of her books, this one starts with a flash forward
Black hole of guilt? So she's Catholic
Maureen didnt wipe the seat after she drunkenly pissed all over it.
Her roommate sat in it and now the guilt consumes her.
Trembling, fully grown adult Maureen pissed her own sheets, whimpering a little, because she felt a little guilty.
"Cool it!" thought the real teen
"Anyone could have held him underwater until the bubbles stopped!"
This is a very talented band at this house party if they can cover all that ground
The band is a cassette player
That band? Broadband radio.
That does sound like Dracula's cape
Awesome, I love it when boring white women do Crime and Punishment fanfic.
Maureen has discovered the dowager's comfort.
She also organized this party in her own house, so I don't know why this book is called Surprise Party
The surprise is MURDER!
This is why you ask about everybody's food allergies before the party starts, Maureen!
The party is also MURDER!
It's really sad when you have to organize your own surprise party
A cool mix of Billy Joel? This party was suspicious even before the murthers most Joel.
Although given the authors track record there will be one or fewer actual murders.
Probably, if you're doing that all the time
Maureen. That isnt tears, hon. Its snot.
Ew. No other notes.
They tasted so good...a forbidden salt. The tears of self-loathing.
What if these are tears of joy and we're reading it wrong?
What if these are tears of joy and Kathryn's writing it wrong?
Ah, Chris
Mentally substituting Chris Redfield.
GIF
☑️ Redhead
Jesus, slow down on the OJ, you maniac.
Its probably illegal to give a name like Maureen Murphy to a non redhead.
Running, that thing swimmers do
Scurvy doesn't work that fast.
Dang, Maureen might be both my HS crushes in one person.
God why do they always have to mention the swim team? Nobody cares about swimming.
At least at my school there was actually a lot of crossover.
My school didnt have the cash for a pool but cardio is cardio.
There might have been at my school. I was too busy not getting laid and playing FF7 to notice.
Kathryn is a master of naming things
Also to be fair, people would have drowned in a school pool where I went, and it would have been mostly semen.
Welcome to Quality Inn. The rats have control of the east wing.
God just "Restaurant" is so sad, not even a "Bar & Grill"
Puffy-faced, heavy-lidded, sweatpants, and shoeless? Sign me up! Amirite, ladies?
Going for that heart attack chic
Never underestimate the raw animal magnetism of gray sweat pants and naked feet, fellow males.
That does not sound good for Gary
Running a boardwalk in the off-season is one of the great joys.
Oh hey, how did I get in this book?
How odd to see a man look like he just got out of bed at 6am
IMPOSSIBLE! The human body floats in seme--uhhhhh, well if you say so, then yeah.
Puffy and wearing nothing but sweatpants is my whole look.
Really falling for the hungover boy only wearing sweatpants
Is she dating Rocky Balboa?
Jesus Christ, Maureen. Keep it in your pants
Chopped sweatpants
Further proof Kathryn doesnt remember being a teen, or was a really weird one.
I think Kathryn spent most of high school on psychedelics.
I honestly believe she was home schooled.
Oh, most definitely
Three Weeks Without Gary was the original title
Maureen apparently thinks Mr Coffee is an actual person
She writes teen girls like someone who only ever saw them on TV. So what I'm saying is she could be any one of us.
He's squatting. They can't evict him.
Then she went into the den to watch Mr. Television. Mr. Lazy Boy sighed sensually as she sat down.
Mr. Coffee and Mr. Tea are vital parts of my family.
I must tell someone about my attraction to the random boy
That is most evident in this book
"Gee. Oh, rot," said the teen in 1993
"I HUNGER FOR GARY'S THROBBING COCK", she shrieked at Mr. Coffee.
But Mr. Coffee did not answer. That was fine; being so impartial made him the perfect conversation partner.
Diane is 80 years old
Now, Kathryn is making a big deal here about Diane's accent. That would lead you to believe she's going to write Diane with the patois
She does not. She talks exactly like everyone else
Honestly I would call this a good move on Kathryn's part. Done badly, phonetic accents never sound anything but racist.
Which I find disappointing, because the way these kids talk sucks
It'd kinda rule if she made a huge deal out of the accent and then learned Diane is from Vermont
Or through a discreetly drilled hole in cement block in Javo's case.
Kathryn loves to fetishize the foreign kids, but doesn't really make them any different from the other kids
It's weird
So she could be any one of us
America is a melting pot
I just want some of that toast she's having.
Kinda seems like Marty brought one video
I really wanted her to talk like Maelcom (Spelling?) from Neuromancer.
Honestly same. Can't wait to eat bread again
If you really wanted to see Maelcum again you could have just asked
"In fact, let me quote some of the choicest gay jokes from Eddie Murphy Live now!"
If only I could have gone on that SAT prep course where somebody died
Hahahahah like SAT scores matter when you're pretty and athletic.
"But my family said if I drop below a 4.0, I lose a thumb."
"Pshaw"
You know, like how teens/Jamaicans do
"Ask me about my grandchildren!"
In case you forgot how phones worked
Both of these girls talk like Victorian English women. Gonna retire to the solar and knit and exchange news of the Town.
Gary will love getting daily phone calls from his high school girlfriend and is totally not wrist deep in another girl.
Well, I get lonely when my children don't call
Whole days.
"Diane, there was this part in Eddie Murphy Live where he talks about Jamaica! Let me perform it for you now!"
@👽 Sexual Trash Ninja Mo is in this?
Gary is fucking Mo behind Maureens back!
Teens greeting the mailman for junk mail. That's how we did it in the '50s. It was pleasant and we hated it.
Codependency is the romantic kind, right
You are weird, Maureen
Gary did not answer the phone. He was playing basketball for the Tar Heels and had therefore become the villain.
Maureen may have had an aneurysm
Shes got that ASMR feeling for beards.
And its totally a sex thing.
Gary seems fun
It's been DAYS? He's been gone for three weeks.
She calls him every half hour.
Gary's a real catch
Maureen, he's already bedded two college girls. They're VERY mature. And not the way you are, in that you horde matches and ketchup packets from mcDonald's.
Somebody needs to spray Maureen with a hose
Gary's last name? Davore.
"It's our 7:49am anniversary!!"
dun dun DUNNNNN
Jesus, Maureen, buy a vibrator.
When a college boy says he's busy, he means busy fucking and doing drugs.
Maureen "MoDependent" Murphy
That's good
Kathryn really understands teens
Teens love lettuce.
She's paying for the long distance, eh. Seems healthy
Just raw, undressed lettuce.
Maureen eating a head of lettuce like an apple...
GIF
Hello. I'm Bob Woodward. And I'm here to tell you about lettuce. All the kids are on it. Could your teen be hooked on the devil's garnish?
Oh yeah long distance charges were a thing, I kinda forgot about it.
What a tortured simile
Maureen, take a hint
She's going to murder this boy and then spend the rest of her days rutting his skull in the attic loft whenever she has an impure thought. Calling it now
God Maureen just fuck off and bang that weird shirtless guy in the alley. That will teach Gary a lesson.
The hint weighed on her like a stack of ripe watermelons in a supermarket shopping basket
Do you hate Maureen, yet?
Maureen approaches the outskirts of the truth, sees that she forgot her wallet and turns around to drive back to the start
Marty Best: King of the Creep Species
Maureen I think you have some fucked up relationships.
Marty is an actual teen, so his attraction to the 80 year old lady is understandably creepy
See he's named Marty Best because he's actually the Farty Worst, it's dramatic irony and everyone's doing it now
Diane isnt a very good friend.
What, are there like 6 kids at the dance?
Maureen Murphy if you so much as give a lad a friendly smile you will get pregnant, you are the last person to complain about too much supervision.
You're only too old for trick or treating if you physically can't shave or if you're a little bitch
Like me, a human girl who talks normal
"We love lighting fires" is my takeaway
This party sexually excites Maureen
Candy corn gets her motor running
A gentle breeze could sexually excite Maureen at this point.
Maureen your parents are probably dead or dont care, this is a teen book for teens.
Come on, take advantage of your spineless parents
Who has a party on Thursday night with their fucking parents home?
Diane who is spiritually an old ass woman.
You think Kathryn has ever interacted with another human?
This is now a Young America short from the 50s
Listen, we'll have a surprise party at your parents' house on a school night, and inviting the entire student body is a fait accompli so what are they gonna do about it?
Please, if he was actually a nerd it'd be Jeffrey
Maybe Gary broke up with her because she had the breath of someone who walks around with stale peanut butter stuck to the roof of her mouth all day.
"Different" means "Italian"
Diane is clearly just using Maureen for free room and board and an excuse to kiss-ass with the popular cliques.
Gotta wonder how she can afford a band when she's saving money for phone calls
"Jeff has those weird googly white eyes and his skin is so weirdly yellow. And his hair is the same color and texture and he hasnt been good or funny since he was 14 or so."
Oh, you'll be meeting some Italians
Well, it's a small band or deejay, so it could be like. Stuart Little or something
"Hi, Gary. Would you mind coming home from college to hang out with high schoolers? What's that? Yes, my cop father is listening. Why?"
Nite Lites' Natty Light Nights are legendary
How is Gary gonna show? He's in NC getting krunked.
If there's anything entertainers love doing, it's unpaid gigs for snotty high schoolers
Nite Lites' Nite Brite Natty Light Nights attracted the wrong crowd, though
They do play an under 21 club so they could accept payment in bad weed.
You think if I cucked Gary he'd call more?
Or the chance to sell their mixtapes.
Oh we've jumped right to racial profiling. Cool. Cool cool cool.
She wants that sweatpants D
Maureen, I hope you get stabbed.
Excuse me, ethnic profiling
Italian man wearing sweatpants, also called "The Milano Linty Sausage."
Polyester pepperoni
This book will prove Maureen is too stupid to be in Calculus
What a great time to spring a surprise invasion of their house!
Its funny how an invite list has the same energy as scribbling a kill list to Maureen.
YOU BITCHES WILL RUE YOUR SNUBBERY, FOR MY PARTY WILL BE THE STUFF OF LEGEND!
Maureen has a bright future as a member of a local planning committee.
The power instantly rushes to her head.
Sure, tell the whole school before you ask your parents. What could go wrong
Oh Maureen is going to get so Carrie'd.
At her own party, even.
Piss off your dad, who owns a gun. Let him discover his house is surrounded. It'll be great.
None of those kids will be stuck doing anything. They just dont want to go to her party or let Maureen know they'll be drinking in the park.
Jesus Christ, Becky
"That bitch won't even have the decency to fall down the stairs!"
Strangely, the first child he shoots ends up being his own. Like he was waiting for an excuse or something.
Diane's dad is the cop. This is important for later. But not in any way you'd expect
I FEEL SUCH POWER, DIANE!
I hope this Becky doesnt end up like the last fictional Becky I read about. Bashed in the head with a shovel by the protagonists incestuous murder mom.
She disappears for at least the next fifty pages
You suck, Maureen
Who says there aren't strong women in literature?
Yes, that's what balloons do
Maureen is a water balloon, cos shes wet af.
She's also a drip.
75 teens in a single story house sounds like my hell at any age
Maureen "Fire Hazard" Murphy
"Hmm. Thirteen names too many. Guess it's time for thirteen ghosts."
So, she doesn't do her homework and has bad SATs, but is in calculus and chemistry in high school? OK, Kathryn
Prediction: Gary brings his new girlfriend
Remedial calculus
Man chemistry was fun.
Is she going to stack them like cordwood??
The only class in high school where you are allowed to play with volatile chemicals.
A friend of mine had to teach an algebra class designed for liberal arts majors and it was the most miserable semester of his life
Wtf was it, all word problems?
Its so fun when someone panics, dumps some potassium into a sink, and adds water.
I liked physics more. We made potato cannons.
Our physics teacher hated fun.
Instead of actually doing the work, a lot of them would write essays about why they couldn't do tests or whatever
Too much dickering
I took "foundations of science" and we mostly did mechanical engineering stuff
Mom, you dont want your cop husband around the house more.
You really do not.
Oh wait different dad.
"I HATE YOU! WHY DON'T WE SPEND MORE TIME TOGETHER?!"
Must've skipped that first paragraph where it said he sells machine parts
Whatever, all dads have the soul of a cop when it comes to their daughters.
Which is only fair
This seems like a healthy relationship
Figured he was moonlighting.
Maureen liked marinating in the toxic environment of a decaying marriage best.
I don't know enough about frats to know if you can get in one that quickly
I think you gotta get hazed for at least half a year first. Assuming you live.
Depends on how long you can keep an egg in your ass without breaking it while blindfolded and masturbating on Pocahontas' bones.
Diane turned into an owl
"Sorry, babe. I have to go pledge to run across the quad carrying a brillo pad in my ass"
Cool. I do that at least once a month