96: Surprise Party Nicole Davidson

Tags: The Year of Pain

When the mask comes off, the horror begins...

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gellaho
The Book Cage: Episode 96 - Surprise Party
This is the most expensive book I've ever bought. There was only one copy on eBay and it was $50. And all to provide you with the Year of Pain you so richly deserve. Nicole Davidson/Kathryn Jensen/Kathryn Johnson is back, and the teens are horny and shitty as ever. This book takes place during Halloween, but the scariest thing of all is how these books can get worse and worse. Find out for yourself this Friday, 5pm eastern.
gellaho
"ol' san antone" jakesy
Oh no
gellaho
It's real bad
"ol' san antone" jakesy
The awful cgi mask on the front is a terrible sign
bΙ’W ɘlditƨɘestible Wad
That's not CGI. That's the actual unedited face of the author
"ol' san antone" jakesy
My god
FancyShark
It's Steven Seagal
gellaho
Made the horns out of carrots
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
You don't like the half-banana horns? Idk, the bits of dinner that my youngest kid refuses to eat seem like a good proxy for unspeakable evil to me
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Weird triangle widow's peak and all
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
Lower half of face needs to be same fat as upper half of face for Seagalcore
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Remember it's angled towards the camera. That tilt takes off like 60% of jowl weight
Podcast Reference Thrillho
I saw that book cover and thought it was an old computer game box
Hand-Jiving for Asmodeus
Bet it plays like Night Trap
gellaho
A little under an hour until Surprise Party. Here is the prev-CRASH!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
A long slim blade?
Is a slim blade its own kind of tool all of a sudden?
FancyShark
Assassin's Creed: House Party
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
House Party really recontextualizes the shit out of a woman at a party seeing a "long, slim blade" out of the corner of her eye
gellaho
Whelp, time for pain
FancyShark
@gellaho , how's the weather?
gellaho
Hot
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Damn, Satan has a son and he's a gamer.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Perfect title @gellaho
FancyShark
Bleagh. Still, glad the storm hasn't landed
gellaho
FancyShark
That's not a good omen
gellaho
It's hitting the west coast, I'm not worried about it
Brendan
Three lusty cheers for Carol and Wally!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Carol and Wally refused to be identified by surname in the final draft.
Brendan
Swingers extraordinaire.
gellaho
Reminder: this is the most expensive Book in the Cage at $50
Brendan
To thee I dedicate this tale of murdered teens by creepy mask perverts.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
If the author wasnt just about the squarest person possible I'd say Carol and Wally are her dealers.
gellaho
Maureen Murphy
FancyShark
Oh bloody hell, this is the Crash Course author
gellaho
Indeed
Nicole Davidson/Kathryn Jensen/Kathryn Johnson
And, like all of her books, this one starts with a flash forward
FancyShark
Black hole of guilt? So she's Catholic
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Maureen didnt wipe the seat after she drunkenly pissed all over it.
Her roommate sat in it and now the guilt consumes her.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Trembling, fully grown adult Maureen pissed her own sheets, whimpering a little, because she felt a little guilty.
gellaho
"Cool it!" thought the real teen
FancyShark
"Anyone could have held him underwater until the bubbles stopped!"
gellaho
This is a very talented band at this house party if they can cover all that ground
FancyShark
The band is a cassette player
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
That band? Broadband radio.
gellaho
That does sound like Dracula's cape
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Awesome, I love it when boring white women do Crime and Punishment fanfic.
Brendan
Maureen has discovered the dowager's comfort.
gellaho
She also organized this party in her own house, so I don't know why this book is called Surprise Party
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
The surprise is MURDER!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
This is why you ask about everybody's food allergies before the party starts, Maureen!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
The party is also MURDER!
FancyShark
It's really sad when you have to organize your own surprise party
Brendan
A cool mix of Billy Joel? This party was suspicious even before the murthers most Joel.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Although given the authors track record there will be one or fewer actual murders.
gellaho
Probably, if you're doing that all the time
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Maureen. That isnt tears, hon. Its snot.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Ew. No other notes.
Brendan
They tasted so good...a forbidden salt. The tears of self-loathing.
FancyShark
What if these are tears of joy and we're reading it wrong?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
What if these are tears of joy and Kathryn's writing it wrong?
gellaho
Ah, Chris
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Mentally substituting Chris Redfield.
GIF
gellaho
β˜‘οΈ Redhead
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Jesus, slow down on the OJ, you maniac.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Its probably illegal to give a name like Maureen Murphy to a non redhead.
FancyShark
Running, that thing swimmers do
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Scurvy doesn't work that fast.
Brendan
Dang, Maureen might be both my HS crushes in one person.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
God why do they always have to mention the swim team? Nobody cares about swimming.
Brendan
At least at my school there was actually a lot of crossover.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
My school didnt have the cash for a pool but cardio is cardio.
FancyShark
There might have been at my school. I was too busy not getting laid and playing FF7 to notice.
gellaho
Kathryn is a master of naming things
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Also to be fair, people would have drowned in a school pool where I went, and it would have been mostly semen.
FancyShark
Welcome to Quality Inn. The rats have control of the east wing.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
God just "Restaurant" is so sad, not even a "Bar & Grill"
gellaho
Puffy-faced, heavy-lidded, sweatpants, and shoeless? Sign me up! Amirite, ladies?
FancyShark
Going for that heart attack chic
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Never underestimate the raw animal magnetism of gray sweat pants and naked feet, fellow males.
gellaho
That does not sound good for Gary
Brendan
Running a boardwalk in the off-season is one of the great joys.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Oh hey, how did I get in this book?
FancyShark
How odd to see a man look like he just got out of bed at 6am
Brendan
IMPOSSIBLE! The human body floats in seme--uhhhhh, well if you say so, then yeah.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Puffy and wearing nothing but sweatpants is my whole look.
gellaho
Really falling for the hungover boy only wearing sweatpants
Brendan
Is she dating Rocky Balboa?
gellaho
Jesus Christ, Maureen. Keep it in your pants
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Chopped sweatpants
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Further proof Kathryn doesnt remember being a teen, or was a really weird one.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I think Kathryn spent most of high school on psychedelics.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I honestly believe she was home schooled.
gellaho
Oh, most definitely
FancyShark
Three Weeks Without Gary was the original title
gellaho
Maureen apparently thinks Mr Coffee is an actual person
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
She writes teen girls like someone who only ever saw them on TV. So what I'm saying is she could be any one of us.
FancyShark
He's squatting. They can't evict him.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Then she went into the den to watch Mr. Television. Mr. Lazy Boy sighed sensually as she sat down.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Mr. Coffee and Mr. Tea are vital parts of my family.
gellaho
I must tell someone about my attraction to the random boy
gellaho
That is most evident in this book
"Gee. Oh, rot," said the teen in 1993
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"I HUNGER FOR GARY'S THROBBING COCK", she shrieked at Mr. Coffee.
But Mr. Coffee did not answer. That was fine; being so impartial made him the perfect conversation partner.
FancyShark
Diane is 80 years old
gellaho
Now, Kathryn is making a big deal here about Diane's accent. That would lead you to believe she's going to write Diane with the patois
gellaho
She does not. She talks exactly like everyone else
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Honestly I would call this a good move on Kathryn's part. Done badly, phonetic accents never sound anything but racist.
gellaho
Which I find disappointing, because the way these kids talk sucks
FancyShark
It'd kinda rule if she made a huge deal out of the accent and then learned Diane is from Vermont
Brendan
Or through a discreetly drilled hole in cement block in Javo's case.
gellaho
Kathryn loves to fetishize the foreign kids, but doesn't really make them any different from the other kids
It's weird
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
So she could be any one of us
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
America is a melting pot
Brendan
I just want some of that toast she's having.
gellaho
Kinda seems like Marty brought one video
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I really wanted her to talk like Maelcom (Spelling?) from Neuromancer.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Honestly same. Can't wait to eat bread again
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
If you really wanted to see Maelcum again you could have just asked
FancyShark
"In fact, let me quote some of the choicest gay jokes from Eddie Murphy Live now!"
gellaho
If only I could have gone on that SAT prep course where somebody died
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hahahahah like SAT scores matter when you're pretty and athletic.
FancyShark
"But my family said if I drop below a 4.0, I lose a thumb."
"Pshaw"
gellaho
You know, like how teens/Jamaicans do
FancyShark
"Ask me about my grandchildren!"
gellaho
In case you forgot how phones worked
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Both of these girls talk like Victorian English women. Gonna retire to the solar and knit and exchange news of the Town.
Gary will love getting daily phone calls from his high school girlfriend and is totally not wrist deep in another girl.
gellaho
Well, I get lonely when my children don't call
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Whole days.
Brendan
"Diane, there was this part in Eddie Murphy Live where he talks about Jamaica! Let me perform it for you now!"
FancyShark
@πŸ‘½ Sexual Trash Ninja Mo is in this?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Gary is fucking Mo behind Maureens back!
Brendan
Teens greeting the mailman for junk mail. That's how we did it in the '50s. It was pleasant and we hated it.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Codependency is the romantic kind, right
gellaho
You are weird, Maureen
Brendan
Gary did not answer the phone. He was playing basketball for the Tar Heels and had therefore become the villain.
FancyShark
Maureen may have had an aneurysm
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Shes got that ASMR feeling for beards.
And its totally a sex thing.
gellaho
Gary seems fun
Brendan
It's been DAYS? He's been gone for three weeks.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
She calls him every half hour.
FancyShark
Gary's a real catch
Brendan
Maureen, he's already bedded two college girls. They're VERY mature. And not the way you are, in that you horde matches and ketchup packets from mcDonald's.
gellaho
Somebody needs to spray Maureen with a hose
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Gary's last name? Davore.
FancyShark
"It's our 7:49am anniversary!!"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
dun dun DUNNNNN
Jesus, Maureen, buy a vibrator.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
When a college boy says he's busy, he means busy fucking and doing drugs.
Brendan
Maureen "MoDependent" Murphy
gellaho
That's good
Kathryn really understands teens
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Teens love lettuce.
gellaho
She's paying for the long distance, eh. Seems healthy
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Just raw, undressed lettuce.
Maureen eating a head of lettuce like an apple...
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
FancyShark
Hello. I'm Bob Woodward. And I'm here to tell you about lettuce. All the kids are on it. Could your teen be hooked on the devil's garnish?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Oh yeah long distance charges were a thing, I kinda forgot about it.
gellaho
What a tortured simile
FancyShark
Maureen, take a hint
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
She's going to murder this boy and then spend the rest of her days rutting his skull in the attic loft whenever she has an impure thought. Calling it now
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
God Maureen just fuck off and bang that weird shirtless guy in the alley. That will teach Gary a lesson.
gellaho
The hint weighed on her like a stack of ripe watermelons in a supermarket shopping basket
Do you hate Maureen, yet?
FancyShark
Maureen approaches the outskirts of the truth, sees that she forgot her wallet and turns around to drive back to the start
gellaho
Marty Best: King of the Creep Species
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Maureen I think you have some fucked up relationships.
FancyShark
Marty is an actual teen, so his attraction to the 80 year old lady is understandably creepy
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
See he's named Marty Best because he's actually the Farty Worst, it's dramatic irony and everyone's doing it now
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Diane isnt a very good friend.
gellaho
What, are there like 6 kids at the dance?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Maureen Murphy if you so much as give a lad a friendly smile you will get pregnant, you are the last person to complain about too much supervision.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
You're only too old for trick or treating if you physically can't shave or if you're a little bitch
gellaho
Like me, a human girl who talks normal
FancyShark
"We love lighting fires" is my takeaway
gellaho
This party sexually excites Maureen
FancyShark
Candy corn gets her motor running
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
A gentle breeze could sexually excite Maureen at this point.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Maureen your parents are probably dead or dont care, this is a teen book for teens.
gellaho
Come on, take advantage of your spineless parents
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Who has a party on Thursday night with their fucking parents home?
Diane who is spiritually an old ass woman.
gellaho
You think Kathryn has ever interacted with another human?
FancyShark
This is now a Young America short from the 50s
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Listen, we'll have a surprise party at your parents' house on a school night, and inviting the entire student body is a fait accompli so what are they gonna do about it?
gellaho
Please, if he was actually a nerd it'd be Jeffrey
Brendan
Maybe Gary broke up with her because she had the breath of someone who walks around with stale peanut butter stuck to the roof of her mouth all day.
FancyShark
"Different" means "Italian"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Diane is clearly just using Maureen for free room and board and an excuse to kiss-ass with the popular cliques.
gellaho
Gotta wonder how she can afford a band when she's saving money for phone calls
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Jeff has those weird googly white eyes and his skin is so weirdly yellow. And his hair is the same color and texture and he hasnt been good or funny since he was 14 or so."
gellaho
Oh, you'll be meeting some Italians
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Well, it's a small band or deejay, so it could be like. Stuart Little or something
FancyShark
"Hi, Gary. Would you mind coming home from college to hang out with high schoolers? What's that? Yes, my cop father is listening. Why?"
gellaho
Nite Lites' Natty Light Nights are legendary
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
How is Gary gonna show? He's in NC getting krunked.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
If there's anything entertainers love doing, it's unpaid gigs for snotty high schoolers
FancyShark
Nite Lites' Nite Brite Natty Light Nights attracted the wrong crowd, though
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
They do play an under 21 club so they could accept payment in bad weed.
gellaho
You think if I cucked Gary he'd call more?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Or the chance to sell their mixtapes.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Oh we've jumped right to racial profiling. Cool. Cool cool cool.
FancyShark
She wants that sweatpants D
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Maureen, I hope you get stabbed.
gellaho
Excuse me, ethnic profiling
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Italian man wearing sweatpants, also called "The Milano Linty Sausage."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Polyester pepperoni
gellaho
This book will prove Maureen is too stupid to be in Calculus
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
What a great time to spring a surprise invasion of their house!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Its funny how an invite list has the same energy as scribbling a kill list to Maureen.
gellaho
YOU BITCHES WILL RUE YOUR SNUBBERY, FOR MY PARTY WILL BE THE STUFF OF LEGEND!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Maureen has a bright future as a member of a local planning committee.
The power instantly rushes to her head.
gellaho
Sure, tell the whole school before you ask your parents. What could go wrong
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Oh Maureen is going to get so Carrie'd.
At her own party, even.
FancyShark
Piss off your dad, who owns a gun. Let him discover his house is surrounded. It'll be great.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
None of those kids will be stuck doing anything. They just dont want to go to her party or let Maureen know they'll be drinking in the park.
gellaho
Jesus Christ, Becky
FancyShark
"That bitch won't even have the decency to fall down the stairs!"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Strangely, the first child he shoots ends up being his own. Like he was waiting for an excuse or something.
gellaho
Diane's dad is the cop. This is important for later. But not in any way you'd expect
I FEEL SUCH POWER, DIANE!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I hope this Becky doesnt end up like the last fictional Becky I read about. Bashed in the head with a shovel by the protagonists incestuous murder mom.
gellaho
She disappears for at least the next fifty pages
You suck, Maureen
FancyShark
Who says there aren't strong women in literature?
gellaho
Yes, that's what balloons do
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Maureen is a water balloon, cos shes wet af.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
She's also a drip.
gellaho
75 teens in a single story house sounds like my hell at any age
FancyShark
Maureen "Fire Hazard" Murphy
"Hmm. Thirteen names too many. Guess it's time for thirteen ghosts."
gellaho
So, she doesn't do her homework and has bad SATs, but is in calculus and chemistry in high school? OK, Kathryn
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☒🐺
Prediction: Gary brings his new girlfriend
FancyShark
Remedial calculus
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Man chemistry was fun.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☒🐺
Is she going to stack them like cordwood??
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
The only class in high school where you are allowed to play with volatile chemicals.
gellaho
A friend of mine had to teach an algebra class designed for liberal arts majors and it was the most miserable semester of his life
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☒🐺
Wtf was it, all word problems?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Its so fun when someone panics, dumps some potassium into a sink, and adds water.
FancyShark
I liked physics more. We made potato cannons.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Our physics teacher hated fun.
gellaho
Instead of actually doing the work, a lot of them would write essays about why they couldn't do tests or whatever
Too much dickering
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☒🐺
I took "foundations of science" and we mostly did mechanical engineering stuff
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Mom, you dont want your cop husband around the house more.
You really do not.
Oh wait different dad.
FancyShark
"I HATE YOU! WHY DON'T WE SPEND MORE TIME TOGETHER?!"
gellaho
Must've skipped that first paragraph where it said he sells machine parts
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Whatever, all dads have the soul of a cop when it comes to their daughters.
FancyShark
Which is only fair
gellaho
This seems like a healthy relationship
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Figured he was moonlighting.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Maureen liked marinating in the toxic environment of a decaying marriage best.
gellaho
I don't know enough about frats to know if you can get in one that quickly
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I think you gotta get hazed for at least half a year first. Assuming you live.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Depends on how long you can keep an egg in your ass without breaking it while blindfolded and masturbating on Pocahontas' bones.
gellaho
Diane turned into an owl
FancyShark
"Sorry, babe. I have to go pledge to run across the quad carrying a brillo pad in my ass"
gellaho
Cool. I do that at least once a month
Brendan
Diane is a terrible friend. Becky is going to complain about these watercress finger sandwiches from the Halloween party's outset.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Soda, cookies, and brownies are the cornerstone of a good party. The fuck is this bint Diane on about
Brendan
An owl with a musical Jamaican accent like peals of steel drums.
gellaho
Teens love potlucks
gellaho
Apples for dunking, because this is 1952
Brendan
I bobbed for apples at a Halloween party in 2010. I ruled at it.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
If theres anything 90s teens loved it was apples.
Brendan
...LADIES
FancyShark
This party is getting whiter with each ingredient
Brendan
wait
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Do you really trust Kathryn to represent any other ethnicities here?
FancyShark
It's more that I thought we'd hit peak Caucasian already
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Also skewing younger and younger. Maureen might not be 18.
gellaho
I kinda find her representation of whites offensive
Brendan
This book was writtten in a place where Spanish & Italians don't count as white because they have North African blood.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Because I dont know of a single teen who would voluntarily bob for apples.
gellaho
Loyalty Attack!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Kathryn's whites are the kind where you have to put the h before the w
Brendan
The Golden Boy is going to show up and scandalize everyone by bringing a lasagna.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Maureen used Girlfriend Guilt Trip! It Wasnt Very Effective!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Adam Warlock is coming?!
Brendan
the uncool hwites
gellaho
Who couldst have foreseen this turn of events!
Brendan
I mean Will Poulter is also very white. But a cool hwite.
FancyShark
"He must be very tired," thought Maureen.
gellaho
Gary, pro tip: avoid the word "teasing"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Okay Maureen, while its very possible he's just napping, it is almost certainly exactly what it looks like. So you should fuck Joey Sweatpants.
Brendan
The funny thing is I can think of six reasonable reasons why a guy with a roommate in the room might be sleeping while a woman's there.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"I wasn't sleeping, Maur. I was pounding. Hard."
Brendan
Gary didn't even wait a month to let loose.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"We're making authentic mochi dough."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Empirically, neither did Maureen
gellaho
Gary with the absolute worst response imaginable
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Bru.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"It's a coed dorm, Maureen! Sexism is over! Stop living in the past!"
FancyShark
Becomes aggressive when caught in a lie. Put a ring on that, Maureen
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
They dont let girls into FRATERNITIES, my dude.
Worst possible lie, way to let the side down.
Brendan
Name one redeeming Gary trait. I'll start: he knows how to pick up the chicks who fuck you immediately and don't care that you're taken back in a time when people still said chicks.
FancyShark
I'll name another: He's not interested in Maureen
gellaho
Who says girls can't be brothers? Other than what the words mean, anyway
Gary seems great
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Gary, why have you not broken up with her?
Brendan
"Mo, you're making a big deal out of nothing. Jessica's like a sister to me that I have sex with, there's nothing romantic about it at all."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Like legitimately, why not?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
To be fair I would be a little steamed too if my girlfriend acted like I didn't know when Halloween was.
FancyShark
There are red flags in any bad relationship. These ones are semaphore.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"It's just a Game of Thrones thing."
gellaho
He's a stereotype of a shithead in a badly written book
Brendan
I don't want to victim blame, but Mo, at a certain point you're asking for this behavior to continue.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
At the rate they're going we'll have a whole clacks line running up and down the countryside
gellaho
Fraternity fornication
Brendan
Wow, I wonder why Gary cheated.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Maureen really has sort of a Madonna-Whore complex about the whole thing, doesn't she.
FancyShark
"They were probably playing 4th Ed D&D like fucking savages"
gellaho
I wonder if Kathryn wants me to hate Gary
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
its the 90s so it would be 2e.
gellaho
I also wonder if she wants me to hate everyone
FancyShark
It's working!
Brendan
Who wants a ready-to-go college freshman when you could be expensive phone/pen pals with a codependent high school junior?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Gary insists on playing an assassin even tho its a homebrew and Jessica just wont go for it.
gellaho
Kathryn should probably look up what "streaking" is
Brendan
Goddamn, Gary sucks though.
gellaho
Don't let Kathryn manipulate you
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
She'll be perfectly matched with Golden Child, he of the sweatpants and nothing else.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
His last name is probably Gygax.
Brendan
If getting your dick sucked three times a day means more to you than TRUE LOVE waiting here for YOU, Gary, giving its heart up to YOU after just four more years of waiting, then, then--you can go to H-E-DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS, MISTER!
gellaho
Jesus McHeaveno
gellaho
β˜‘οΈ Italian
FancyShark
Molto Bene
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Oh so Ocean City is literally in the ocean.
It's like a Disaster Report situation.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Oh I immediately get a "Does shirtless tai chi on the beach, owns at least one gold chain>" energy from a Chris D'Angelo.
FancyShark
He owns an IROC for sure
gellaho
He should be giving off only sweatpants vibes
For he is said boy
No red flags here
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Sometimes when you wanna dress up you wear your gold chain with your sweatpants.
It draws attention to your chest hair and rippling pecs.
gellaho
$50!?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Aw, poor dude's agoraphobic.
FancyShark
GIF
gellaho
Puffy faced, checks out
FancyShark
You paid a reference to the book!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
200 dollars a month is pretty good......
gellaho
I could have had a shitty 90s apartment!
Brendan
Ah, building an empire on sand. That would make a great metaphor for something.
gellaho
Fuck off
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Society, maybe?
Brendan
Honestly, this sounds pretty dope. I'd live in a bungalow in the off-season populated by lonely young women making poor decisions if I were whatever age this italian hoodlum is.
FancyShark
Gary's last name might actually be "Hallmark"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hahahah I am mentally recasting Lorenzo Lamas as Chris now.
Brendan
He's an alcoholic, don't you judge!
Speaking of which. I'm drinking Sexy Motor Oil tonight.
gellaho
FancyShark
Brendan, calling it sexy doesn't make it sexy!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Oh my god it's genetic.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Turbo Teens drink of choice.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The poor boy.
gellaho
Well, Chris, that seems like a clear invitation to me
FancyShark
Stucco - the material of choice for leaning on
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Should it be sexy? I mean, he's only a teenager.
Guess? jeans feels like a placeholder brand.
A "come up with a name for this if feeling ambitious later" brand
FancyShark
I dunno, Chris. You can see the jeans better than we can. Why don't you tell us?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hahahah Guess? jeans, my sister had those.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
They're real??
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Yeah.
gellaho
Yes
Kathryn has perfected irritating writing
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Oh don't worry Chris, when you hear the problem you will understand her first world white girl problems and your heart will melt.
Because this is a bad book.
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
You've seriously never heard of the guess brand? At ALL? That was a HUGE teen girl brand in the 80s
gellaho
Hey, Kathryn, is he running from a criminal past? I can't fucking tell
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I wasn't even alive in the 80s, that might be part of it
Brendan
Do you mind? I'm trying to dramatically run from my relationship the way I can't run from the personal issues that got me into it.
FancyShark
I can't wait for the final chapter where we get the full actual story and Chris is a diamond smuggler hiding the Ark of the Covenant from the mob
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
He's probably just moved out of his abusive dads home.
FancyShark
If it helps, I was born in 1986 and I didn't know they were a brand
gellaho
Her long legs
His long legs
Leeeeeeeeeeegggssss
Brendan
You know what women love? Being pursued by strangers on wide open landscapes with one side inescapable in the season when nobody's around.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
As all Italian men do when they turn 17 if they dont stab their dad with a broken wine bottle.
Brendan
Oh good, now he's disrobing as he chases her.
FancyShark
Then they are both taken by the tide
Brendan
This is fine.
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
Chris scowled, wondering what a pretty girl who could afford designer clothes had to cry about
Holy shit ease up there Incelimus Prime
gellaho
Uh oh
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ctlEBHDROAw
FancyShark
Better wave something shiny to get her attention. Like a knife.
Brendan
WHY ARE YOU RUNNING FROM ME, YOU STUCK UP BIIIIIIIIII--* Chris went down as she maced him.
gellaho
Maureen begins her slow road to being murdered
gellaho
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"AAARRRGH YOUR PRIVELEGE BURNS MY SOUL AS THE PEPPER SPRAY DOES MY EYES!"
FancyShark
Brooklyn accent? Are we sure he isn't a space alien with a bad voice modulator?
gellaho
Supersonic torquing to the max
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Fuck off Kathryn. Nobody has ever used that slang.
FancyShark
That is a very elegant way to say she needs to poop
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
INTRICATE TEAR PATTERNS
gellaho
Kathryn doesn't mention that as a swimmer, she also looks like an upside-down triangle
Brendan
Her sadness was attractive to him, and he grew turgid in a Brooklyn accent.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Jesus....christ..........youresofast........fastest......girl.........I ever.......chased. Wheeeeeze"
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
she wasn't like any girl he had been around
Yes, because she stopped running.
Brendan
She didn't have that grimy face of Brooklyn girls, caused by too much leaded gasoline in the air.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I'm glad we're only just now getting a description of our female lead.
FancyShark
Again
gellaho
Kathryn, the human penis is on the outside
gellaho
He'd be incorrect
FancyShark
If he asks to eat her flesh, this will be more relatable than whatever Kathryn is trying to convey
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
All that running has made him want to throw up.
Brendan
"So you were running and crying, is that because your boyfriend's cheating with you in realtime phone call the way I'd never do?"
So yiz likes joiks uh sumptin?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Ask that redhead if she wants some Italian sausage, Chris. You have it in you.
gellaho
90s kids love the stooges
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
I'm still trying to get over her externally visible internal freckle pebbles tbh
FancyShark
"He's probably in the same fraternity," Maureen thought girlfully.
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
"You looked more like a ho!" he laughed cleverly
Brendan
Laughing, she realized she was in love with this boy, had ALWAYS been in love with this boy, was MEANT to be in love with him, unless he ever disappointed her, in which case she would murder all he cared about.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Yiz gotsa pretty laugh."
gellaho
Goddammit, Kathryn, twang is southern
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
Dead ringer
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Wanna see my collection of stilletos?"
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
This is literally the Gilmore Girls, y'all realize that right
FancyShark
Every character in these books talks like an undercover cop on their first assignment
gellaho
Stop trying to foreshadow, Kathryn
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Be really funny if his bathroom in his shitty apartment is just crammed with authentic medieval manuscripts or something and it just didnt tell us.
gellaho
Chris instantly died of a heart attack
Brendan
I mean...I can see it. "Oh moy GAWD yuh so stoopit."
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
He's into really obnoxious hyperintellectual prose, isn't he
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Dude you had to sign something to get that apartment, you are not exactly off the grid, bud.
FancyShark
"Who doesn't have a phone? Oh my god, are you poor? I have pepper spray."
Brendan
Off-season beach town? I bet he could pay cash at a dingy place.
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
If she had pepper spray it should already be empty by now
Brendan
My dude is absolutely going to introduce her to the Basketball Diaries.
gellaho
Maureen, stop doing weird shit with your face. And giving your address away to strangers
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
She's giving a Halloween party???
FancyShark
Wrinkling the nose is normally reserved for "what's that horrible odor?", Kathryn
Brendan
See, Chris is Italian, and therefore a Sinatra fan, so wrinkled noses are il catnipo to him.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Maureen, he's graduated from high school. He's basically a grown ass man, and an admitted drifter. Of course he wants to meet the local kids.
gellaho
Life's about giving
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
In the way this book is giving me a headache, I suppose
gellaho
"My mom's usually too fucking lazy to cook for us"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Suns in her eyes, maybe?
FancyShark
Every serial killer in earshot just heard her address
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
Maybe one of them can protect her from the protagonist
gellaho
If I understand women correctly, this means her period got in a car accident
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
wait
I know what a visit from aunt flo means
I don't know what Aunt Flo getting in a car accident means
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Whats this I hear on the teen grapevine about you having a party, Marureen?" Her dad asks, since grown men hang out with teens in Kathryns fantasy universe.
gellaho
Violent red, just like an Irishman
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
v i o l e n t
Brendan
Sounds more like someone missed a period but dad's calling from work.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"We're going to do a reverse marriage ceremony, its all the rage now. Its not technically divorce."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The casual ethnic stereotyping of a first time writer, but… this can't be right, this is book number three?!?!
gellaho
The fuck is a marriage encounter
FancyShark
"We're going to a key party. It's very big in the 90s, the decade we are definitely set in."
Brendan
"I'm going to interrupt your mother's Aunt Flo in a car accident if you know what I mean."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Swingers party but churched up and in the woods so you cant avoid your threesome with Christ.
gellaho
Her sixth. Our fourth, my friend
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
I hate that I know the answer
FancyShark
I think that's where you go to a nature preserve to see marriages in the wild. Some are comfortable enough around people that you can feed them by hand.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Its when aliens come down and perform wedding ceremonies for trouble couples.
Brendan
I mean...I can introduce you to five states' worth of trash Irish who are convinced every DKM song is about their singularly crazy family.
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
I genuinely hope that I don't, Dad!
gellaho
Maureen thought her mother was smoking hot
Brendan
Rescue Me got ratings because every shanty swine was like "Yeah, that's my family, we punch each other in the face but we love one another."
Come at me, Ireland, I don't care.
gellaho
I don't know. I don't wanna get attacked by a rabid bridegroom
FancyShark
You gotta keep a garter to throw at their mouth
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
It's the bridesmaids you have to watch out for, they hunt in packs.
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
Yes, women's eyes age and deage visibly on a 93 second cycle
Brendan
I'm just saying it's a stereotype but also a lot of people love to see themselves in it, like emotionally damaged girls and Harley Quinn.
gellaho
Maureen loves her little brother
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
It's why we convinced ourselves Dennis Leary was funny for so long.
gellaho
Wait, hates. Disturbingly so
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
I'm not going to make the obvious joke. That's difficult for me.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Kevin is bitch made. Two at once? I can fit a whole package of bacon in my gob.
gellaho
They definitely will love your illicit party, Maureen
FancyShark
How dare Kevin Murphy ask if he can have friends over instead of planning the party ahead of time? He should stick to voicing Tom Servo and being a comedy god on Rifftrax
Brendan
I'm confused. She WANTS her parents there for the party?
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
"bitch made" and or "fuckmade" is one of the chud insults that just boggles me
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Maureen hating her younger brother is something I identify with but from the other angle, my sisters favorite movie was Labyrinth for a reason.
gellaho
Ah, siblings
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Well two reasons.
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
She's a good girl who wouldn't dream of having an unsupervised party. Also she invited an obvious murderer so she needs the backup
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
David Bowies big ol hog and the fact its about maybe a hot man will abduct your brother for you if you wish hard and are Jennifer Conolly.
FancyShark
"Soaping people's cars" is an act so vile, we can't even tell you what the soap symbolizes
gellaho
Again, am I supposed to like anyone in this book?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Maureen.......just have a party?
FancyShark
Imagine the target audience for this book
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Your party was lame anyway, having a 13 year old wont hurt.
You can give him beer, it will be hilarious.
gellaho
The pink flannel of death
FancyShark
If they have a thirteen year old there, the apples will be ruined
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
what would Kevin do in her shoes
Um.
gellaho
You won't believe what's happening in our nation's car washes
Brendan
I'm just saying, having your thirteen-year-old brother there makes this revenge/jealousy gang bang awkward, and it's ALL GARY'S FAULT FOR MAKING HER DO IT.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
It will go from Maureens lame party to "Hey Maureen, remember that time we gave your little brother wine coolers and he declared he was Spider Man and jumped off the roof into the pool?"
gellaho
Jesus Christ, Maureen
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
"toward" the pool
FancyShark
"Yes. We're lowering his coffin into the ground now, Diane."
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Maureen you dont even have a Super Nintendo.
Your party is gonna be so lame if you dont have a setup for Mario Kart.
gellaho
Your costume sucks, Maureen.
gellaho
But not as much as Diane's does
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Maureen......what? Just wear a trashbag and say you are going as yourself.
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
Her mom still has MULTIPLE prom dresses?
gellaho
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
A fucking dog?
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
Blackface.
She's going to blackface.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Diane..............you are such a stupid asshole.
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
You know this.
FancyShark
Diane is from Jamaica. She just has the soul of an ancient white woman
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
Oh, I thought it was still Maureen, my bad
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
At least there will be a dog at the party tho, I love dogs.
gellaho
This is why Kathryn made Diane's dad a cop
gellaho
I told you you wouldn't guess why
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
An evening in someone elses kitchen eating cookies and petting a dog is my ideal party tbh.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Kathryn knows you can just. Adopt a German shepherd, right
FancyShark
The dog can sense who is or isn't allowed at a stranger's house?
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
If you want me to enjoy your party, have a dog or cat, and nobody whose ass I can't kick if necessary in order to hog all the dog or cat's attention
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
13 years is a long time for a K9 to not be shot by its handler, nice job.
gellaho
Kathryn knowing something? That doesn't sound right
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Ocular patdown
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Most of a police dogs job is vibes based anyway.
Brendan
Be fair; lots of women go to Jamaica to discover their spirituality in under a week, get braids, and also do a Get Out on the citizens.
gellaho
Kinda seems like the dog doing what he's supposed to, Maureen
gellaho
Brendan
JFC
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
That's also a long time for a German shepherd, period, jfc
Brendan
But what if someone comes to this halloween party dressed as a bank robber?!
gellaho
Come on, let me pretend to be blind!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Change out one of your bank robber gloves for a blue latex one, say you're coming as the Brickster from Lego Island
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Marshall just craves the taste of gunpowder, it had nothing to do with the robbery.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Cop dogs don't know Lego
"I need a living animal trained to attack if something moves wrong for my costume at this party with lots of moving bodies!"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Diane has such good judgement. Bring an elderly paranoid attack dog to a noisy party full of teens.
gellaho
It's almost like we invited people to a party
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Oh come on, Kathryn.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Time to freak out like you ordered food while too high!
Brendan
Hi, it's me, I heard there were single redheads?
gellaho
How dare you wear a mask to our Halloween party
FancyShark
GIF
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Oh its the one dude we probably want to see mauled by a dog who isnt Gary.
Brendan
GUDBOI PLAYNOW
FancyShark
If his last name isn't McFly, he's no Marty we want
gellaho
Is Marty 12?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
She made a big scene of checking the brownies. There was no point in making a big scene.
Brendan
License this book but as a comedy
Just a self-serious teen fussing demonstratively over brownies.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
lol Diane has great taste in dogs and boyfriends.
FancyShark
This is building up to a classic slobs vs snobs situation
gellaho
Marty Best was lucky to be born on The Planet Gullible Morons
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
All she has to do now is reveal she has a gun in her purse tonight.
Maureen, maybe Diane thinks Marty is funny?
Or maybe he has a big dick.
gellaho
Kevin the 80 year old tween
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Diane isnt exactly a genius either.
FancyShark
"Horse glandular, my fellow pre-adults!"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Kevin now is the time. Trade your absence and silence for a Super Nintendo.
It worked for me, it can work for you.
Super Mario World is so fun, Kevin.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
My god. Each character is more annoying than the last.
How is it possible.
Brendan
What the
gellaho
The family of psychopaths
Brendan
This is like a pickup trick from a Seanbaby article.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Marty "Don Diebel" Best
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Aw Kevin you were doing so good, and you blew it.
gellaho
You know, Maureen, not having a party was always an option
Brendan
Put rubber spiders in a girl's hair. When she screams, say "You have a spider in your hair!" Then offer to pull it out for her. "Good news," you say, "It was rubber and I had nothing to do with it. Write your number in my little black book." She'll be so grateful she'll get detention for making out in class.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
You settled for something she couldnt stop you from doing anyway.
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
Oh good, the band will calm things down
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Kevin needs to read The Art of the Deal.
Brendan
So does Donald, though.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
He doesnt read, everyone knows that.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Because nothing makes sure thing's don't fall over at a party like winding a lazer grid maze of Rapunzel hair through the house.
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
He didn't even write it, why would he read it?
gellaho
Another disappointment, my cheating boyfriend and the boy I want to cheat with didn't show
FancyShark
This teen slasher story is taking forever to get to the fireworks factory
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Jeez, the guy you know nothing about might just be late, Maureen.
gellaho
Oh, Chris, be an Italian-American stereotype for me!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Does anyone else remember that professor who went to get help and fell down a hole offscreen and passed out for the rest of the book
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
I'm hoping her worry about the glass tchothkes means we're working our way up to a Risky Business situation
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Chris strikes me as more of a flautist tbh.
gellaho
The nerd approacheth
FancyShark
Hard to say. This author doesn't have a good track record of paying off setups
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
You can fit a handgun in a flute case, Maureen.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Okay Jeff, you're instantly the most likeable character in this whole book. Whole series even.
Do not fucking blow it.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Jeff is gonna die, huh?
FancyShark
All he has to do is not speak again
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
Idk he lost me with the little cough
gellaho
Jeff is very interested in Diane. I assume he hasn't seen her costume
FancyShark
Steeeeeeerike one
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
That's the consumption. He's dying and no one cares. You callous bitch.
gellaho
"He reminds me of my friend's dog," Maureen thought
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Ooof, Jeff.
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
FancyShark
"Because he's also a son of a bitch"
gellaho
"My friend's fat dog"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Ideally you want to NOT remind women of family pets.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Jeff got fucking Dog Zoned and not in the fun hour-long podcast way
gellaho
Maureen, what
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
Unless they're into that. In which case you still do NOT want to remind them of...
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Oh Jeff will tear Martys arms off and turn him into a meat puppet, but thats not the issue at hand here, Maureen.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Oh my god Kathryn thinks nerds go Super Saiyan if they get mad enough.
Brendan
But a stiletto, that's a nice omerta weapon.
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
We do, it just isn't very effective.
FancyShark
Kathryn foreshadows like a Punch and Judy show
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
That dog should not be eating cookies, Maureen, you need to stop him or he's gonna barf.
gellaho
I know, I'm not an idiot Maureen
gellaho
Tom the Unpronouncable
FancyShark
Flailing. Incoherent. Sometimes openly racist.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
To be fair to Jeff it's astoundingly poor form to be cosplaying disability for a costume party. Shame on you, Diane.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"No.....I mean they're really red like...........you know what, I think maybe you aren't the right person to talk to about this."
Brendan
Jeff was also allowed to eat chocolate this one night even though it was bad for him.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Oh god should I start a countdown for the hard P slur?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Jeff is also going to throw up on the carpet and have to be hosed down outside.
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
Everybody calls him Tom Penis and we all know this
gellaho
Wondering why Maureen has cologne in her room
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Pznowski is like a subgenre of Grabowski, right?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"Di? My dear, that'll be the last thing I do!"
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
Isn't everything?
gellaho
Uh, oh Kathryn. You are not equipped for this
Brendan
I don't even know which slur this is. Oompa Loompa?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Maureen did Dipshit nerd Jeff figure out Diane had inner torment before you did, you stupid moo?
FancyShark
I'm not sure I get this prank
Brendan
Jesus, Marty is having an evening.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Tell jeff! LET THE BLOOD FLOW! SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE!
Brendan
Let's recap the men in Maureen's life.
gellaho
Abort Maureen, abort
FancyShark
Cheater
Psycho
Dad
Manipulator Brother
Abuser
Jeff
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Okay so, you know how Jackson Pollack was a famous painter?
Brendan
GARY: Contemptuous philanderer
DAD: Hair-temper bad husband and scary absentee father
CHRIS: Italian, and therefore 1920s gangster on the lam, see?
MARTY: Physically abusive philanderer
JEFF: A dog with the build of an assistant college football coach.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It's the one that's like that. The ethnic one.
Brendan
You can say that word without the P?
gellaho
Then the rumpus room, the bedroom, the bathroom, the kitchen room, the lawn room, and the garage room
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I mean, I sure don't
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
LET JEFF DO IT!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Say it. At all. Just to be clear.
Brendan
I had to look up if that was even a slur last month because it was just like used as often as Pole in the '80s.
gellaho
That's what I do when I hear Billy Idol, too
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
Hold up, the POLICE DOG didn't mind his human being punched?
Brendan
He was, like all of us, distracted by cake.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Cop dog. Makes all the difference.
FancyShark
Cake good
Brendan
God, I have the perfect joke and I'm not going to make it.
ACAGB
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Okay but dont regret it when you die.
gellaho
That tiny waisted bitch
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
You can always regret a joke you told but should never regret a joke you didnt tell.
Brendan
Marty's Stardusting!!!
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
gellaho
Polack is used in Hamlet, so it's classy
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Lmao Marty goes "mask off" after punching a woman. Fuck off Kathryn
Brendan
I would have sicced Marshall on Marty, but I'm what you call CLASSY Irish.
We put our dogs upon the unwashed, we don't sully our hands touching them in combat.
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
Crushing some tiny waist bro
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Oh please. Classy is breaking out the shilleighlagh.
gellaho
What a strange sentence at the end of the page
FancyShark
I would have glassed Marty, but that's because I'm betrayal Irish
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
It's not a party until a guy who hits his girl gets mauled by a dog and beaten with a stout blackthorne.
Brendan
Mmmm, yes, I rather imagine that's what you doing the work for us were raised to believe. Quite, quite.
LIIIIPS
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
He's gonna sweep the leg!
Crane kick him, Mo!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
HES LOOKING AT YOUR KNEES MAUREEN! HES GOING FOR THE TAKEDOWN!
gellaho
YOU'LL RUE THE DAY, MADAME
FancyShark
"I'm going to get so many rubber spiders!"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Jeff follows him out to his car and beats his ass with a sock full of gravel.
gellaho
Ah, she's got Dragonard syndrome
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Party drama is just like Terminator 2.
FancyShark
Thanks for the backup, Marshall
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
Jerking for the jerk god
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
And to think all this happened with her dressed like Rapunzel.
gellaho
They stared at each other at least four times here
Brendan
Dinnertime. The bridge is yours, Mister Shark.
gellaho
There is a shitty little kid running around
I brought Tony, and Luigi, and Giuseppe
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
And just five minutes ago she was moping because Chris didnt show up.
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
That feels more Jurassic Park
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
And now hes brought a Tony.
Because of course he has a cousin Tony.
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
I heard the accent when he said it too
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Chris brought Tone?! Oh no!
This night ends with him in a car wreck being drowned in his own blood!
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
HEARD
gellaho
Oh, hey, Dennis Miller
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
,beb
FancyShark
Enough of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf. Time for Goodfellas High
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
g a n g
g a n g
gellaho
You aren't prepared for what Tony is going to do
You couldn't possibly imagine
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"You know, like in that Broadway musical?"
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
Frosted flakes?
FancyShark
Please say he plays guitar
Ukelele
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Mandolin solo!
He brought spaghetti!
gellaho
10,000 guesses and you would not get it
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
Theremin?
FancyShark
Shadow puppets?
Charades?
gellaho
Way off
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
No.
This book.
He's gonna beatbox
FancyShark
Holy. Shit.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hahahahah cool.
Tony is a nutcase.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Jesus, this creep discard and draw strat kind of sucks.
gellaho
Ey, wassamatta, I was just killin' you, eh!
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
Marshall has already disemboweled Tony
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Also my guy, you are talking awful bit when a Sheperds head is just about dick height.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Oh my god he even calls him Tone.
Beyond parody.
gellaho
You are an idiot, Maureen
FancyShark
Yes, explain the nuance of "I was pretending to strangle your charge" to the POLICE DOG
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
Seriously, Marshall is just neck deep in Tony's abdomen like a hyena in a gazelle at this point
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Oh uh.......he only responds to commands in German so I dont know how to get him to calm down. Guess he's gonna eat your dick tonight."
FancyShark
"Oh darn"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Maureen you are way too chill for someone who just got suddenly strangled.
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
"Chopper, SIC BALLS!"
gellaho
Went a little beyond touching, Maureen
gellaho
And didn't you just kick someone out for hitting your friend?
Dude just strangled you
FancyShark
Maureen, if you let Marshall do what he intended to do, your party would be legendary for decades
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Maureen I am so much more on the dogs side right now.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Achtung! Evisceraten sie testikallen! Schnell! Schnell!!
gellaho
The immaculate choice to have Maureen throw somebody out for hitting her friend, to immediately let some dude hang around after strangler her
It's just the epitome of stupidity
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
This book is going to give us all whiplash
FancyShark
Kathryn is a savant of terrible decisions
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
It's just the Italian Hello in action.
Talks with his hands, you see?
gellaho
She's more concerned about the "my girl" crack than the strangulation
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Technically he's Tony's consigliere
FancyShark
New theory: Kathryn knows we're reading these books in the year 2023 and she's pissing us off on purpose
gellaho
Maureen is straight up looking to die
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Imagine being the kind of dipshit who sees a dog and is like "I wonder if I can get it to bite my femurs in half?" instead of "Can I pet it?"
FancyShark
Tony is why there are warning labels on plastic bags
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Also Chris............does that imply that this was Tonys way of flirting?!
gellaho
And she's his goomar
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Do you know your cousin casually strangles women hes just meeting?
FancyShark
jesus, no wonder you have to worry about feeling safe, Chris
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
This seems like the wrong kind of party to take your chokey cousin to.
gellaho
Please ignore that he strangled you
gellaho
Just to see how a dog would react
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
Tony literally just beat up a girl for kicks
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Tony was literally beating up on a girl for kicks.
FancyShark
I know this is going to go like all of her other books, but if the gruesome murders could please start, it'd be greatly appreciated
gellaho
Maureen: dumbass supreme
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
Jinx motherfucker
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
I might need help interpreting the ice cream reacc
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Scooped
Basically the same as a jinx
FancyShark
Yeah. We use scooped when two people pull off the same joke at the same time. Happens even more during meat parties
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Maureen, if he acts like a character from West Side Story Id be more worried he was gay and youd be destined to break up when he runs away with Raul, the barber.
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR MY PARTY CHRIS, AND MY PARTY SUCKS ASS
gellaho
"Could you not say such weird shit about my brother"
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
Don't talk to him about shoes Maureen, he gets excited
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Chris you are a bad Italian boy, you put your shoes on someones table? Your mother would turn over in her grave.
FancyShark
That means he's edgey
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Disrespectful more like. His mother would be so sad.
FancyShark
With his rebel sweatpants and his mold-induced lung disease
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
It's okay he walked through Mama's basil garden first
Kevin is going to respect girls instead of ignore them
gellaho
"We didn't start the fire" is very romantic
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I feel in my bones, Chris grew up with the plastic wrap still on the couch so it wouldnt get messy and never using the good plates.
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
Because he's growing as a person, CHRIS
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"She had a knife for one thing."
FancyShark
"I should clarify. I had a daughter in New York. Wanna make out?"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"A good one, too. Pearl handled switchblade her daddy got her for her christening."
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
"Her vagina was like a leather jacket, Maureen."
gellaho
Where's that bottle so I can spray Maureen
FancyShark
GIF
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Maureen, you don't even like your own party.
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
gellaho
Pick a genre, Kathryn
FancyShark
Raising again the question WHY HAVEN'T YOU BROKEN UP WITH GARY
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
I mean, Chris left
Not Chris. Marty
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
She wouldn't think about Gary anymore.
Oh god, why won't Gary love me, she thought.
gellaho
She loved the way they were taking advantage of her emotional vulnerability
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
And there's no WAY Marty didn't have two dipshit buddies he dragged out with him
FancyShark
"Bringing her cups of punch" is a bit dark, given what happened to her
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
On a couple levels.
gellaho
"Drink responsibly, 17 year olds," says Kathryn
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
Maybe let's let Maureen keep custody of her own drinks boys
Diane I mean. Fuck
FancyShark
It's fine. It's just rubbing alcohol.
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
Fuck these people, why should I learn their names
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Maureen, you kind of suck if anyone leaves this party sober.
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
I'm calling them all Dave from here on out
FancyShark
Now you're getting it
gellaho
Kevin is missing, but all Maureen wants to do is make out with the boy whose cousin choked her
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Of course Kevin is missing.
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
Dave, you do NOT want to get in the same room with Dave and Dave
FancyShark
It probably would take not dressing like Rapunzel
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Whos gonna sit in their room that DOESNT EVEN HAVE A SUPER NINTENDO, KEVIN, on Halloween?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
No, not Kevin!!
gellaho
The bad boys of technical school
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
(who was kevin again?)
FancyShark
He better be a hollowed out skinsuit when they find him because this book really needs some stakes
FancyShark
Little brother
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hahahahah your school is rivals with a TECHNICAL school! NERD!
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
Dave is Dave's little brother.
gellaho
Oh, no, not the Devry football team!
FancyShark
Rollin up with their Biz Markee blasting on Medium
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Someone not smart enough to con themselves a Super Nintendo out of their big sister.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Oh my god Bush is invading her house party!
FancyShark
Even worse, it's the band Bush!
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
BUILT LIKE DESERT STORM TANKS
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Topical!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It's not even what they're called!
They're fucking Abrams tanks!
gellaho
The smell of twang
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
American, Iraqi, captured Russian stuff in Iraqi service?
I'm not sure this author knows a main battle tank from an APC, fellas
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Um you literally cannot. Fuck off or we call the cops?"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
And even so Kathryn is old enough that people would still be comparing shit to Sherman tanks anyway!
gellaho
You know how sounds smell.
And smells sound
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I'm rooting for Team Desert Storm here. Waste this mobster fool.
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
Listen! Do you smell something?
FancyShark
Nothing creates tension like loathsome characters threatening to kill...other loathsome characters
gellaho
What is this, the fucking Outsiders now?
gellaho
Where's Ponyboy?
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
YESSSSAS
FUCK YES SWITCHBLADE
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Man I wonder who the killer will be.
FancyShark
Even more on the military nerds' side now
gellaho
How many people are going to declare vengeance on this party?
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
πŸ—‘οΈ 🀌
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Jesus christ, this is turning into the siege of Precinct 13.
FancyShark
Oh god, I hope so
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
Precinct of 13yo
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hell yeah, nothing says "Fuck off and go home." like a good switchblade.
gellaho
The boys at ITT Tech only understand violence
FancyShark
Except for a big scary do- MARSHALL, DROP THAT! DROP IT! NO CUPCAKE! DROP!
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
It was either the knife or the soldering iron. This way was better. Cleaner.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
You said you didn't want a fight, so I explicitly tried to escalate the situation into a fight
gellaho
Thimble heads
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Nothing makes a Maureen horny like threatened knifeplay.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
hahahahaha I want to see that version of the story
FancyShark
That feels like a slur, but I'm not sure of what
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
And nothing impresses a 13 year old boy like a switchblade and a leather jacket.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Kevin fronting on this vanguard assault line of football geeks and they just stub him out like a cigarette under their shoe
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
"nobody said put the knife AWAY, Chris." panting heavily
gellaho
This is a strange story
gellaho
Sewing circles
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
That bulging pillowcase is a little unnerving Kevin
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Between Desert Storm and Arsenio Hall, this book isnt dated at all.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Mr Mayhew is the only one in the country lacing his Halloween candy with LSD before he hands it out.
He's an outlier and the news shouldn't be counting him.
FancyShark
You're gonna want to check the candy wasn't tampered with from Mayhew
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
LSD is good for children anyway. Promotes empathy.
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
Can you introduce me?
FancyShark
That's a razor blade in the candy situation if there ever was one
gellaho
I AM TOO JACKED UP ON MR MAYHEW'S REESE'S CUP FOR BATMAN
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
If only
hahaha I was joking. Kathryn I was joking.
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
I don't want to read the Kevin masturbation scene please
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
HELL YEAH DRUNK 13 YEAR OLD LETS GOOOOOOOO KATHRYN!
FancyShark
Smash cut to twenty years later. Kevin is now Bubbles from The Wire.
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
Or from trailer park boys
gellaho
Kathryn has decided the thirteen year old needs to be drunk
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG!
FancyShark
"And I've swallowed Drano before, so I should know"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Little dude you are going to barf so much!
Its gonna be so bad.
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
Kevin, you're in danger. Your sister has built up a HEROIC tolerance for the stuff the boys put in that, you... haven't.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
It's probably poisoned.
gellaho
Sounds like Mr Mayhew's Reese's Cup had a little extra added to it
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Can we talk about the umlaut over Draino
gellaho
Kathryn comes alive when it's time to torture the children
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Nope, Kevin. You just drank poison!
Well a non alcohol poison.
gellaho
In that it's not one
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I don't care enough about this book to look up the proper word
FancyShark
This book is just going to be an After School Special, isn't it
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
What the hell did Kevin drink that induces a heart attack
Belladonna?
FancyShark
gellaho
Oh, no, Kevin drank whatever Tony put in Chris's drink
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Lil bro just got a gut full of toad venom like its a kung fu movie.
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
I am a literal former sailor and I've never had pain shoot down my left arm from booze, I don't see an issue of quantity there
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Tone spiked the punch but Marty poisoned it. Calling it now
gellaho
Tony out here trying to get crunk at a high school Halloween party
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Crummy soda" he says, like its not 199X
gellaho
Yes, that's what being drunk looks like
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
They dont even have orange Faygo so Tony needs to shut up.
FancyShark
Nice of him to watch his language
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
Again. The boys put more than alcohol in that punch. And the girls have had time to build a tolerance.
I'm very glad Maureen didn't have a little sister
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Maureen, are you so square that you dont know booze doesnt give you muscle spasms like that?
gellaho
Maureen more worried about being in trouble than her brother dying
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Like he is obviously done been pizened.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"drug" being the worse of the two, clearly
FancyShark
This is going to end with them jamming an adrenaline needle in Kevin's heart
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Maureen immediately thinks "FUCKER THIS WILL RUIN MY PARTY!"
And then "My parents are going to be so pissed off!"
And not yet "Oh fuck my brother is dying!"
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
I fuckin told y'all that shit was roofied
FancyShark
And the party was going so well up until this happened!
gellaho
Fun
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
And I didnt get along with my siblings either but cmon, Maureen, I would have thought of them dying FIRST.
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
I know fucking Kathryn is going to make it about the candy
FancyShark
This is like if Adventures in Babysitting was directed by Werner Herzog
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
But that boy OD'd on roofies in the punch
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"MY PARTY IS RUINED BY YOUR COMATOSE STATE, KEVIN!" Maureen shrieked."
"Everyone at school is going to hate me because my party was ruined by you being poisoned, you shithead."
gellaho
So, I believe that flashforward where she was talking about "a boy was stretched out on a hospital bed." I'm pretty sure that was her brother
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
I'm quivering, gellaho
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
So I wonder what wild stereotype Kathryn will draw on to establish who the culprit might be?
gellaho
Which is unsurprising considering her mother calls her "the child"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Maureen is fucking 18, Maureens Mom.
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
SACRIFICE THE CHILD
FancyShark
Guess the marriage encounter didn't cover this
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Would honestly have been less dehumanizing if she'd called Maureen "it"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH KEVIN RUINED MY PARTYYYYYYYYYYY!" Maureen sobbed inconsolably.
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
Shit this is why Kevin was ready to charge the dork football line with a bat single handed
Bath salts
gellaho
Also, my brother is dying
FancyShark
"GARY! WHY DIDN'T YOU COME TO THE PARTY, GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"
gellaho
Very confused about what sign that is
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
HANG TOUGH
holy shit
FancyShark
πŸ‘Œ
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
Backstreet, or NSYNC?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hahahahah Maureen has no idea what a Hells Angel looks like.
FancyShark
A Hells Angel would have ripped each finger off of Chris for fun
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
They look like the bad kid from Gilmore Girls apparently
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Also what a boomer ass shorthand for "Kind of rough looking dood."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
πŸ€™ apparently it's this
gellaho
HAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
gellaho
FancyShark
HAHAHAHAHAHA
KATHRYN, YOU FUCKING SQUARE!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Like my mother wouldnt say something like that and shes fucking 70.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Lmao cocaine?
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
Omg exactly what I was thinking
COCAINUM
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Like Tony and Chris have coke money.
gellaho
Later
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Its 199X too Kathryn, the teens do crack now.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
they could barely keep Bada Bing running
FancyShark
Your drug sniffing dog couldn't detect cocaine in the house?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
You sad bitch, you cant even keep your drug panic up to date.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
If you're an adult and you use the word "zillion" in a serious moment like this, you suck
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
SHES TAKING A MORE THAN THIRTEEN YEAR OLD GERMAN SHEPHERD RUNNING
gellaho
This is such a fantastically bizarre conversation
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
FancyShark
I'm 99% certain cocaine isn't "dope"
gellaho
He was sniffing at Tony. It's one of the few things I've skipped
This book is insanely stupid
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Probably because of the pepperoni in his pockets.
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
Personally I've never heard anybody who actually drugses call anything but heroin "dope"
FancyShark
Hell, I think I'd sniff at Tony if that was the case
Brendan
I'm back, and wow.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
It would be way funnier if Kathryn had done research and was using outdated terms for cocaine instead.
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
You are now on the floor, convulsing.
gellaho
Jesus Christ
Brendan
All the men being awful is realistic, so don't level charges of misandry, but also the author makes this feel personal. Like they're awful for only half the right reasons.
gellaho
maaaaaaaaaaaannnnn
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Yeah Maureen you should feel guilty but maybe not this guilty?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Hey now. Jeff has been nothing but a saint so far.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Like you are a bad sister but cmon.
Brendan
seriously though, dogs weren't made for long-distance running, don't take them with you.
gellaho
I feel fine with calling Kathryn whatever
FancyShark
@Brendan , here's your recap:
Sweatpants Chris brought his thug cousin Tony, who thought it'd be hilarious to pretend to strangle Maureen to antagonize the dog.
Marty was thrown out for beating up Diane.
Kevin, the little brother, imbibed the spiked punch and Halloween candy. Somewhere in there, he got cocaine in his system.
Brendan
Saint Simp
DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern
Okay if she let her brother OD on dope I sure as shit wouldn't let her borrow my dog.
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
HE IS OVER THIRTEEN YEARS OLD
DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern
I'd give her my other brother first
Brendan
It's okay, alsatians are a strong breed, not known for hip dysplasia.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Dog drops dead from running induced bloat.
gellaho
It couldn't possibly be the guy who choked you and freaked out when his soda went missing
FancyShark
My money is still on Marty
Brendan
I'm sorry about your brother, Maureen. Is your family going to finish Mr. Mayhew's Reese's Peanut Butter cup, or...?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
THEY FORCED HIM TO TAKE THE DRUGS SO HE'D GET HOOKED ON THE DRUGS AND HAVE TO BUY MORE DRUGS
THE PERFECT CRIME
gellaho
Our vivisection was very thorough
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
"Sorry about Kevin, babe. Is there any coke left tho?"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Who puts coke in a cookie?
Brendan
This was 1991 so fun size candy, while still bullshit, had yet to begin shrinking 5% every year.
FancyShark
"No wonder I couldn't have just one"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
For that matter who puts coke in a drink?
DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern
gellaho
Maureen Dragonard, or MODRAGON
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
This was 1991 so everyone should have known better about everything, especially the grown ass author
FancyShark
"Kathryn should have known better" is her entire career
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
Did mo just have an O?
Brendan
Marshall ate all our coke brownies
gellaho
DAMN YOU, PHONE!
DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern
She gonna feed him his own coke.
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
All those feeling swelling inside her
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Modragon" would be a sweet name for a fantasy character, ngl.
FancyShark
"No one kills my little brother but me!"
Brendan
When I was a lad, phone calls were a dime.
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
Hello fellow old
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"The only time I want my brother dead is if the culprit is a big dicked glam rocker who is also some kind of magical king."
Brendan
Remember when they became a quarter? That ate into your canned corn budget, by jehosephat.
gellaho
I mean, you know where Maureen lives dude
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Right?
DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern
As mad as she is you'd think someone killed her dog. Not just her brother. Your parents can get you another sibling. Just takes 9 months and a trip to the olive garden
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I could call out of state for a quarter and still get a nickel back in change.
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
That Travis Tritt song woulda sucked if it hadn't gone up from the dime
gellaho
Tony time
FancyShark
Sure, PCP. Why not
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
FUCK YEAH ANGEL DUST
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
90s teens named Tony loved them some PCP.
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
Just like the bullshit stories my parole officer stepdad used to tell
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
The panic about PCP back then was always really funny to me.
gellaho
Hey, man, don't dip your ass in the punch
gellaho
You thinking a lot about pcp?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Man why would i go around putting crack in peoples drinks? That isnt how you do drugs."
FancyShark
Irate, Tony pulls out his snuff box and inhales deeply and pointedly
Brendan
Crack. You eat it!
gellaho
Couldn't have been that careful if you kept your plates, dude
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Look, Chris, I know you are super square and all but cmon dude. I dont buy drugs to waste them, I buy them to get fucked up. If I put a hundred dollars worth of crack in someones drink that is a hundred dollars worth of crack I CANT DO MYSELF."
Brendan
My understanding is Kevin stole Tony's drink for himself.
FancyShark
Pretty much
I don't think he knew whose it was, but the drink was left unattended
Brendan
Man, if you can't disappear in the early '90s...
Have you seen what a Maine driver's license looked like as late as 2000?
I've had better library cards.
gellaho
Why had Mrs Yakovetski devoted the entire period to "In Soviet Russia" jokes?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GET TO THE MURDER, KATHRYN.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hahahah of course Kathryn implies the two teens from New York are mobbed up and on drugs.
Brendan
Diane, FFFS
FancyShark
If Forensic Files taught me anything, it's that it was harder to stay in your own neighborhood than it was to be abducted
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
Alabama still issued PAPER temporary licenses, took several weeks to mail you your real license
DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern
DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern
They're from NY not jersey. They're probably not mobbed up.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Diane, leaving your abuser is hard, but you can do it.
Brendan
Kathryn doesn't realize her good guys are as shitty as her bad guys.
DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern
Diane should get a gun. Jane Wick this situation
gellaho
Oh, we're going back for seconds on this are we, Kathryn?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Kathryn probably doesnt know the difference between New York and New Jersey.
Brendan
Don't listen to the sausage, Diane! Shoot him down!
DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern
That boy ded
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Listen to this Sausage, Diane. Slit his throat with a straight razor while he naps in his car.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
and I bet she couldn't tell a wristlock from a wristwatch, either
DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern
Diane. Use a nail gun to lock the doors shut and put a rag in the gas tank and light it.
gellaho
Yawouldn'tb'lievewha'shesaid
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
SHUT UP
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Diane you are making me so sad right now.
Sadder than these books usually make me.
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
W I d e. s h o u l d e r s tho
FancyShark
Okay, kids. You can get one book. Do you want Hardy Boys, Boxcar Children, or Miserable Horrible Assholes?
DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern
I mean he was slumped over the steering wheel presumably he's got at least some of the day to sit around and wait
Brendan
Kathryn knows pivot-abusers all too well.
DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern
I've read the other two. Gimme MHA
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Kathryn, is everything okay at home? Do you need someone to be your getaway driver?
gellaho
Oh, Kathryn, you so don't have this
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
JEFF TIME
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
What baffles me is why Kathryn tries to pass these as murder mysteries.
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
FUCKIMUP
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Jeff needs to drop kick thru the windshield.
gellaho
Kathryn, did you think kids were saying broads in 1993?
DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern
No.
No she didn't.
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
This book is k-rad
FancyShark
Literally every character in her books deserves death. There is no mystery to be found.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Kathryn, I realize this is a book for probably teens, but you can use the word "bitch.", weve heard it on TV in 1991.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
This stretch of the book isn't even fun tbh, it's just sad and uncomfortable
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
We're still waiting to find out why Jeff needs to die.
Brendan
Maybe she's helping young women recognize themselves in bad situations and the murder mystery is just the cover so the abusers don't twig to self help.
You know, how like Clan of the Cave Bear was about the discovery of the female orgasm?
DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern
Gellaho, you paid 51 dollars too much for this.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
too good for this sinful earth
Brendan
All Jeffs go to heaven
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Damn that explains why my older sister was obsessed with those books, I thought she just liked prehistoric bears.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Jeff and Chet go to the same Sidekicks Anonymous chapter
gellaho
I like that Marty started out putting rubber spiders in girls hair and is now in the honeymooners
Brendan
except for that one who worked for Dubya.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
And the one with the racist puppets.
Brendan
And Jefferson Davis.
gellaho
It's a real wonder no one has died yet, really
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
I read them, and I can confirm they were not about bears. Well
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
So not all Jeffs are going to heaven, is what I'm hearing
Some Jeffs go to heaven
Brendan
OH NO TONY SPIKED KEVIN'S IV
DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern
That's quite a change between paragraphs
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
That was a hell of a jump cut
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"clear plastic bags of liquid nourishment" is how Canadians have to buy their milk
Brendan
Just the ones with eyes like Marshall
gellaho
That'll keep his spirits up
Brendan
What do canadians use milk for?
I thought they put maple syrup on their cereal.
gellaho
Poutine
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
It makes a pretty good medium for maple syrup flavor too.
Brendan
Hey @Rachel, 2-Ded Krew is this some kind of sex thing, the bags of milk?
DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern
My favorite thing about that is that they then have to put that bag in a pitcher so they can pour it
FancyShark
His favorite horror novel, unfortunately, is a story about a man who is going to be dissected because they think he's dead when he's really just paralyzed
gellaho
Homework!? My homework is murder!
DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern
Okay so maybe you can still hear and process whilst in a coma. And now you're just gonna be constantly dreaming some horror novel.
gellaho
Doing my face
DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern
Maureen I don't think you can tie your own shoes without help. You ain't got this.
mercenary_sysadmin πŸ–€
I've learned my lesson. Time to go make sure my 14yo isn't baselining angel weed or anything, gnight
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
WE FINALLY HAVE AN INCITING INCIDENT!!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"My Homework Is Vengeance" would make a kick ass movie title in like a 70s style exploitation\ grindhouse flick.
FancyShark
This isn't Death Wish. You have three suspects and you've already talked to two of them
DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern
Or a super dark diary of a wimpy kid
FancyShark
The End
gellaho
I'm almost certain that's not how that works. Any part of that
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
So youre gonna what? Drag that dog to like a hundred odd peoples houses and beat the shit out of anyone the dog doesnt like?
Or what?
BArks at?
DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern
Why did her dad bring home drugs? They have a scent clone they use to train. HOLY SHIT HER DAD IS ON THE TAKE. HES THE KILLER
gellaho
Here comes Jeff
gellaho
He's got a real bad idea
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Like a bunch of these drug dogs give false positives because their handlers have biases and stuff, this is a spectacularly stupid idea.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Oh no. No no no.
FancyShark
Jeff, goddammit
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Whenever Jamaica comes up in hot dog circles it's never in a good way.
Abort, Jeff. Abort now.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Go for it Jeff, the time is now, transfer that unhealthy affection to yourself, eat your rivals heart and gain his power.
gellaho
Real smooth Jeff
DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern
That's my favorite part about it. Like a cop can't stop and frisk you anymore. But apparently it's cool if a dog gives him the nod
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
This is turning into an all time bag fumble.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
And all the cop has to do is pull on the harness or something to make the dog freak out.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Like, you saw her being physically abused, my dude.
gellaho
"What I mean to say is that I'm stalking Marty"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Diane you dipshit. Maureen told you this before and she DOESNT want to fuck you.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
NOW YOU GET MAD?????????
FancyShark
"I think this conversation was originally supposed to be about Gary, but the author is an idiot"
DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern
Lady. You had to assume that the abuser who doesn't have time for you probably isn't going to take being monogamous seriously
gellaho
Good luck, Jeff
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Holy shit he pulled it off.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Nice.
Great job Jeff, you twisted that knife expertly. Now its just matter of taking Marty's head so you can enslave his soul in the afterlife.
Diane, Jeff is huge tho.
FancyShark
Real nice of you to not tell Jeff all of that, Diane
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
It's fine, Jeff has the power of Beef.
DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern
Like barbarian bros huge
Plus he does kickboxing and jits.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Besides nothing impresses a fairly stupid teen girl like kicking her abusive boyfriends ass.
DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern
Odds are pretty good you can impress her by kicking her non abusive boyfriends ass too
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern
He deserved it. Brown jacket is just defending the honor of no jacket.
gellaho
Well, I had hope to end at a moment that was slightly more upbeat but Kathryn decided that would be impossible.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hahahahha
I forgot the cover was like that.
FancyShark
I hope we get to the surprise party next time!
DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern
They're very happy together now. They have a B&B in Denver.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
REMEMBER WHEN THIS BOOK WAS ABOUT A PARTY MURDER?
Brendan
Jeff's mastered negging to the point where he can put a woman on the defensive in thirty seconds no matter how violent her committed boyfriend is.
gellaho
gellaho
I don't know where you got that idea. Other than the cover and misleading preview
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Groton
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Oh a Chesapeake. Cute dog.
FancyShark
Still love that she teaches writing
Brendan
Well there's no use crying over spilt milk, eh?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
it's like Proton with a G, and also in many other ways that you would not want it to be like Proton
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I really wanted the murderer to have something to do with that mask that looks like Satan's fat son.
gellaho
So concludes this part of the 96th Edition of The Book Cage
gellaho
May all your children be free of crack cocaine
Brendan
See? Canadian!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
My kids dont exist and so do massive amounts of theoretical crack. Basically infinite crack.
FancyShark
Thank you, @gellaho !
BlindMonkey
Why am I always getting off the train when this ends
FancyShark
Great riffing, everyone!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Seagal has mastered the art of standing so incredibly still that the book's author doesn't even realize he's there
Brendan
This is more of a Chris and Tony GIF.
Brendan
MY NEIGHBOR
FancyShark
Go explain teenagers to her!
wait no
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Quick, go do a wellness check on her!
This is only like half a joke.
Brendan
Honestly, this tracks with all those mean-ass Fitch students at Groton.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I'm starting to be genuinely concerned for her.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
The only realistic character in this one is the dog.
Brendan
Really depends how you feel about Connecticut sailing town women writing the Jamaican experience.
gellaho
I just appreciate that I've somehow lucked in to reading these in an order where she outdoes herself
Although, I don't know if this is quite as stupid as Crash Landing, yet
DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern
Are you complaining or bragging?
FancyShark
It's getting there
BlindMonkey
I've always felt possesed by a bored library assistant
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Crash Landing was so stupid.
Like its so stupid I cant think of a clever way to call it stupid.
BlindMonkey
Honestly just wishing for faster rail
DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern
I could live off nothing but that and whey powder
Brendan
Rhymes with rotten. My buddy lives there and takes beautiful sunset photos.
Brendan
Soylent White
BlindMonkey
Brendan's entering The Stunt List
Logan's Run x Breaking Bad let's goooo
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☒🐺
I'm usually having to start making dinner when it begins, then I pop in sporadically and miss most of it.
gellaho
The Book Cage: Episode 96.5 - Surprise Party
Once again, Nicole Davidson/Kathryn Jensen/Kathryn Johnson manages to surprise in just how stupid her books can be. Last week, many shitty teens have declared vengeance upon a party. Then that party ended, then the protagonist's brother drank crack left by a different shitty teen. We shall conclude said riveting tale of suspense(?) this Friday, 5pm Eastern.
gellaho
FancyShark
It's borderline miraculous how someone managed to get that description on the back cover out of what we've read so far
gellaho
Just under an hour until Part 2 of Surprise Party. In case you forgot where we left off, nerdy Jeff is looking to get murdered
gellaho
And here's where we're going
FancyShark
It's unfortunate that Jeff is both the most likable person in the book and the guy whose only seduction technique is "lecture abused girl about her shitty boyfriend"
FancyShark
It's relentless! Will we even have time to catch our breath?
gellaho
Don't forget taking her to a Jamaican dance concert
FancyShark
We have a massive German Sheperd that could easily kill someone and a dorky hero type who can't fuck. We are one explosion of psychic powers away from a PsyMan story
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Explosion of psychic powers is the exact type of swerve Kathryn would attempt and then botch immediately
FancyShark
Looking forward to her offloading the entire actual plot in the last chapter as the cops explain what happened
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Remember when this book started with Maureen pissing herself in terror that people might think she did it?
"It" being poison her own kid brother with fucking heroin or whatever?
That thing no one would ever do intentionally?
gellaho
It's Pain O'Clock
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Kathryn would imply psychic powers were at play but then make it a homeless guy with a rubber ball on a string.
gellaho
That seems like a little too much incident for these books
Marty, Marshall, and Maureen. Thanks for differentiating the names, Kathryn
gellaho
At least it's better than the last book where she gave two characters the same first name for no reason
FancyShark
Let's remember that her entire plan is "take a geriatric drug sniffing dog to the house of each suspect and hope to find drugs"
gellaho
Gross
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Maureen please dont do that.
Brendan
Evan Dorkin just sold the BEST milk and cheese print on ebay a couple days ago.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Kathryn what the fuck.
Brendan
BETRAYED BY THE JUMP AGAIN
Brendan
@Hannah Bunches of Oats ☝️
gellaho
Jeans leg
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
That dog is going to give her so many false positives when she gets uncomfortable.
gellaho
You know how drug sniffing dogs bark and run amok, right?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Maureen did.........you know how drug dogs work?
Were you expecting written reports or something?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Man. It's already insufferable
gellaho
Time for some breaking and entering
FancyShark
Maureen now wishes she'd read the instructions
gellaho
I'm not sure it's wise to use an old police dog for a crime there, Mo
FancyShark
Whom among us hasn't been delighted by a doorknob?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Fuck yeah, Maureen, B&E with a large angry and old dog, that's probably not a special kind of crime.
This poor dog probably thinks they're going for a walk or something.
gellaho
There are many knob enthusiasts, or "knobheads"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
This is such a betrayal of Marshall's trust.
FancyShark
Like throwing an invisible ball
gellaho
No, nope. That's not it. That can't be it
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"This is a genuine brass Heinkel knob! ITS PRACTICALLY AN ANTIQUE!"
Dog runs upstairs to her dads bedroom.
FancyShark
Please let him find cookware
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Also.........Maureen.......you want him to find cocaine.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
All drugs is the same, right?
gellaho
You know boy stuff: loose change, Fig Newtons
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I know you are square but its the 90s. DARE taught you the difference Maureen.
FancyShark
TBF, the drug sniffing dogs they used at my high school were told "find the dope", which I think was a blanket statement
Ramb$ne
Usually they found pretzels
FancyShark
Boys love sleeping in condemned buildings. Great job, Maureen.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Depending on the brand pretzels are their own addictive substance
gellaho
How many prepositions can you fit into a single sentence
FancyShark
This poor pooch is so confused
"Do you want me to find drugs or are we on walkies or is it treats time?"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I dont think you should give an aged dog a stale fig newton you found during a B&E.
gellaho
He looked like he might possibly be somewhat interested in maybe some kind of treat
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
,perhaps
gellaho
I don't think Kathryn knows what a magazine is
FancyShark
Marshall gave the impression of a notion that he could be persuaded to accept the concept of a treat made manifest
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Marshall is every reader waiting for Kathryn to get to the point
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I'll have you know Nude Beach Scene is very tasteful, Maureen.
Or should I call you OLIVER CROMWELL!
FancyShark
Nude Beach Scene blew the lid off so many scandals. That's where The Jungle was first published
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Be hilarious if she doesnt find jack shit and Marty just beats his girl stone sober.
gellaho
"Quick, we only have 45 minutes until he's docked and tied the boat!"
FancyShark
heh heh, he'll never know we were here
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Maureen, even if you find something it doesnt prove he poisoned your brother, and also you broke in to get that, it would be inadmissable.
So you might as well kidnap him and break his knees in a shed.
FancyShark
Hell yeah. Dibs on being Mr. Blond
gellaho
Kathryn isn't sure you think Marty's a dirtbag yet, so she's added some subtle details
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The dog mess left on the carpet and didn't clean up because Maureen forgot to bring doggy bags could have come from anywhere!
FancyShark
Cheating: When physical abuse is not enough
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Marty tying up a Bayliner sounded real kinky until the actual woman showed up.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
You really are a scumbag when you cheat with a girl younger than your 18 year old girlfriend.
Marty has age of consent laws on a laminated card in his pocket.
Also a boat, and thats a red flag.
Never date someone who owns a boat.
Unless its made by hand or something.
Or one of those cool fan boats.
gellaho
Maureen's plan apparently was to search every male student at a different school. Until she thought it was infeasible
gellaho
Not because that's too many students, but because she doesn't know where they live
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Tony the mobster might have had coke on him? What a concept
FancyShark
Lazy beats stupid and Maureen's plan is the proof
gellaho
If only his sexual excitement over a knife could be some kind of clue
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Knives are cool Maureen, you'd understand that if your dad had ever given you The Talk.
FancyShark
At this rate, she's going to remember his pretending to choke her to agitate the dog just before he slits her throat
gellaho
Didn't mention that or how he freaked out when his soda went missing
Kathryn, why include this
FancyShark
World building for yuppies
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Who eats fries with pizza? Is that a thing and I just didnt know?
gellaho
Not just for the inanity, but because you think pizza-and-fries is a thing
Brendan
In Marty's defense, girls his own age have learned not to tolerate his bullshit.
Who am I kidding, his gf puts up with everything.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
gellaho
If you want to hit a body weight record
FancyShark
Old Time Photos is a stripclub
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Oh yeah the one where you can take selfies with strippers while you dress like an old timey prospector or cowboy.
Ramb$ne
i've done it
FancyShark
Their champagne room requires you to sit perfectly still or the photo is ruined
Ramb$ne
true aesthetes get totchos and pizza
so a big oll slab of tater tot nachos to accompany their pikza
gellaho
Very inconspicuous
Brendan
Totchos are technically a pizza
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Marshall having a flashback to the time his handler shot a dude in a blue car.
Ramb$ne
by the transitive property, they're a vegetable then
gellaho
I don't know, Mo, but probably more than one
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
ONE THAT YOU KNOW OF, MAUREEN.
FOR FUCK'S SAKE.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
At least one.
FancyShark
There must be a gas leak affecting this town
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Also if you're someplace in the northeast in November then you might as well be in Maryland, I guess.
gellaho
Well, she doesn't have to think at all because dude just walks right up
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
What great foreshadowing.
Brendan
A lot more New Yorkers than drive to the beach in Rockaway, I tell you that.
FancyShark
"AAAAGGGHHH!" <BLAM><BLAM><BLAM><BLAM><BLAM><BLAM><BLAM><BLAM><BLAM><RELOAD><BLAM><BLAM><BLAM><BLAM><BLAM><BLAM>
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Marshall just really hates Ford automobiles.
Brendan
Fix Or Repair Doggie
gellaho
Cool under pressure
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
And its an Escort. Thats a fucking grandpa car.
Even in the 90s that would have been a grandpa car.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
All time hall of fame inner monologue
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Maureen you.........didnt open the trunk.
FancyShark
Chris was probably standing right next to the car the entire time
gellaho
Nailed it
Brendan
In the '90s drug dealers would murder anyone who knew they had drugs.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Smooth, Maureen. He wont suspect a thing.
Brendan
ESPECIALLY their target customer base.
FancyShark
It's how they made all their money that they spent on loud music
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Usually shortly after forcing children to eat their free drugs.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
So they'd buy more drugs after they killed them
This is known
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
The only way to keep from being forced to do drugs was to call them a turkey.
gellaho
Aware of how dark it had gotten
Brendan
For the uninitiated youth: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AqaocGXy1uM
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Maureen, theres not even a single fucking inch of steel in a 90s Ford Escort.
gellaho
Kathryn writes sentences like they're puzzles you have to to decipher
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
An inch of steel?
They really relaxed rationing after the war, huh
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Certainly not depth.
FancyShark
Unless she meant the dog was digging across the car
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Kathryn were you trying to imply Marshall was investigating a nearby manhole?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Ford makes cars for baseball moms who need to bounce an anti-tank round from the Jerries on their way to school.
Brendan
Rewatching that ad, all I see is a young man finding out the painful way that Joey is not the friend he thought he was.
"Joey! Come share my pot!"
gellaho
A knife... a knife!
Brendan
"FUCK YOU TONY"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Poor Tony.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Gasp!
Secret Origins!!
Brendan
This badger gets it.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Maureen........lots of people carry knives.....
Did.......you not know that?
Turns out we have a right to.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
They carry a knives… A KNIVES!!!!
Brendan
And now for the VERY initiated https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BOq2M0p7-Z0
gellaho
A voice containing secrets, cocaine secrets
gellaho
Brendan
Maybe we're all being unfair to how pre-Third Wave feminism women felt in a pre-cell phone era around unstable young men when the gasoline was still leaded.
OR
hear me out.
Mo is the turkey.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Chris maybe you dont want to date Maureen, she seems exhausting and frankly a little paranoid.
Her friends suck too.
And her brother does cocaine.
gellaho
That brief kiss certainly needed it's own paragraph
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Definitely the sign of a healthy relationship when you're left shaking and confused after an interaction
gellaho
That brief peck blew Mo away
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Osculation confuses Maureen.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"How could someone who does drugs be a good kisser?! UNBELIEVABLE!"
I'm really starting to see why her friend was unwilling to take her word for Marty cheating on her, Maureen is kind of a dingus.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
She has the survival instincts of an unattended toddler with a fork in a room full of electrical sockets.
gellaho
The things Maureen knows about Chris: his name, maybe.
This background check is gonna go great.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Reynolds comes back in half an hour and Maureen has written Chris's first name, Tony's first name, drawn a bunch of squiggly stick figures, and started panic-eating the notepad.
Brendan
So you see these teens are from New York City, eh? VERY suspicious...
gellaho
Meanwhile:
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Riveting stuff, Kathy
gellaho
NEW YORK CITY!? Get a rope
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Reynolds is doing a really great thing, performing an unauthorized background check with no real details on the word of a slightly slow and panicky teen girl.
gellaho
https://youtu.be/YNGPxA3H7FA
Brendan
Maryland never forgave New York for keeping it from being burned.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
MD never forgave New York for something?
Join the damn club
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
New York has a lot to answer for, its true.
gellaho
Dramatic game panels
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It's fitting. The heroes in this book are about as stupid as the average X-Man.
Brendan
Kathryn took a walk through the arcade.
Probably while eating an ice cream
WAIT
I just realized Kathryn lived in Groton
gellaho
Jerked into a rigid band. Whatever that means
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Lethal Enforcers was pretty fire.
Brendan
which means the closest version of this boardwalk is half a mile from my house.
I PLAYED THAT X-MEN GAME
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
The X Men arcade game was also good.
Brendan
They stayed open one off-season and nobody came except me. I had a private arcade after school. It was amazing.
gellaho
Tony seems to be turning southern
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Would have been more authentic if they had a Splatterhouse machine too tho.
Brendan
The arcade at this place hasn't upgraded since that X-men game.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
We can't talk about murder in this murder mystery(?) book
Brendan
It still has Burger Time.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Fuck yeah, Burger Time.
gellaho
Ah, the streets
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Wait are cats supposed to give a shit about thunderstorms? Mine dont.
Also Chris has a fundamentally flawed conception of addiction.
And by extension Kathryn.
FancyShark
The mean streets of Northeastern United States
gellaho
This the first time you've considered drugs might do something to people's brains, Chris?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Chris he does COCAINE. It's kind of cokes thing, messing with your thinkmeat syrup.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Chris no longer trusted his dipshit deadbeat cousin. After thirty four years he'd finally broken his trust.
gellaho
I mean, Baltimore is in Maryland
Meanwhile: The library
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Chris you know for a fact your familial obligation is to bury Tony in the woods for poisoning that kid.
Diane better get ambushed by mob gunmen and have to fight her way out, Kathryn.
gellaho
Seems like this Chronicle would be missing an entire decade at this point
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Becky is gunning for Slap Magnet Prime I see.
gellaho
She pronounced "the party" like the party
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Diane, if you push the book shelf hard enough it will tip over and they tend to be really heavy.
Just saying.
Also what the fuck does italics sound like, Kathryn?
gellaho
Becky, who was at said party, believes there was unlimited booze and coke that wasn't there
gellaho
Then does something very strange with her mouth
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Becky you fucking suck, no wonder nobody invites you to the unlimited booze and drug parties.
FancyShark
"You lie!"
GIF
Brendan
This book is a lot better if you imagine this is Chris and Tony Soprano.
gellaho
Just have Marty twisting his mustache at this point, Kathryn
Brendan
How come you sided with your best friend for defending you after I hit you, ar durrrr
Actually, that tracks for asshole behavior.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Diane its really great how you are just now coming to understand what a fuckin prick Marty is.
gellaho
Does this school not have a librarian? Or teachers?
Brendan
It's weird how they're both ignoring that Mo attacking Marty is BECAUSE he hit Diane.
gellaho
Just kids having a loud argument in the library? OK, Kathryn
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
And literally everyone else in the room coming to watch.
School librarian: "Whatever. I dont get paid enough to deal with this."
gellaho
It's just that easy, everybody
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Martin Best? More like Martin Worst!"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It took her til now to realize this.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Diane this should have been a stabbing.
And not a word stabbing, which is what you actually did.
gellaho
Marty just realizing it was a bad idea to beat the daughter of a police officer
Brendan
The only good thing I have to say about Marty is he's not a racist.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Marty's not gonna last long enough to press charges, Diane.
Marty's gonna surface in the bay tomorrow fucking morning.
FancyShark
His torso will, anyway
Brendan
Tony vs Marty: penis-dueling, like the banana slugs do!
gellaho
So hitting black women means you aren't a racist, got it
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Diane maybe you should do that anyway?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Marshall is going to be gnawing on his femur and no one's going to say a word about it.
gellaho
Here comes Jeff to try and get this fight really started
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Kick his ass Jeff.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Snap his neck with a book, Jeff!
Brendan
Woah woah woah! He didn't hit her because she's Black! He hit her because she's physically weaker than he is and he can get away with it because she believed he loved her!
It's totally different!
gellaho
That's a simile you could use, sure
Brendan
It's not a simile. Those are the coils his father used to press Marty's face into as they warmed up to teach him toughness.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Was- was that a joke? Or does Jeff just have really bad priorities?
gellaho
Who knows
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
This fight is taking so fucking long to get started.
Brendan
Jeff is starting with jokes from where Diane's been misled and walking backwards slowly with her hands in his.
gellaho
Unnecessary paragraph break, sure
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It's like a Dragon Ball fight, there's always an issue or two of monologuing before the fight can last the rest of the year
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"CURSE YOU BA.......JEFF SIMPSON!"
Brendan
Isn't Jeff basically Ox Dauber with a brain? Marty's writing checks his women-hitting fists can't cash.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
He's been doing that all book but here especially
gellaho
Jeff, stop talking
gellaho
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Aw Jeff, you blew it.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Would the woman-beater do something cowardly?
I dunno, Jeff. The whole world wonders.
gellaho
INTRODUCE ME TO YOUR DAD
Brendan
Jeff is already doing mentalist shit on Diane and she's been single and unmanipulated for 31 seconds.
gellaho
Good thing you don't look at people's heads when they're talking, otherwise Jeff might notice this subtle signal
Brendan
IF I MAY PLAY DEVIL'S ADVOCATE
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Mo, why are you closing one eye and tilting your head like that? You look weird."
Brendan
HS boys are generally awful at reading body language stuff like that while girls aren't.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Also why does my dog have fig shits?"
Brendan
Take it from me, I'm involved in several criminal conspiracies to take over regional high schools' drug rings.
gellaho
I'm assuming you've done many studies on this
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Just HS boys?
I'm like that and I have a salary.
Brendan
Beats me, I only hang out with teens because I'm so rad I never had to grow up.
gellaho
CHRIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSS
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Whatever you say, Skeezer Pan
πŸ‘½ Sexual Trash Ninja Mo
do not!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Brendan wears green tights and pointy toed shoes to kidnap children and fight pirates.
gellaho
This can only go well
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
They'll kill you.
No joke, straight up. Your lives are forefeit.
You ever watch the first third of Shrunken Heads? That'll be you.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
God that movie was dire.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Did you watch it… in your condominium?
gellaho
I'm sure they'd leave it in the truck of a rotting car in the street
FancyShark
Major drug lords love attending high school parties
gellaho
Yeah, that's probably it
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Yeah Diane because major drug lords are often 18-19 year old boys from Brooklyn.
Like El Chapo.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
For when you need to get your snack on between coke deals.
Brendan
No I wear those AND kidnap children. The two are unconnected.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I mean they look comfortable.
Brendan
Like all white people, Mo wants to know if you've seen The Wire.
FancyShark
It's so good!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Watch the contents of his trunk be an old flat tire, a wrench, a road flare, and a bag of milk bones he forgot about.
gellaho
Oil! The fiend!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"ITS! A TIRE IRON!"
FancyShark
My god. He killed a dinosaur and left it in the trunk so long it became oil!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
She pulls out a bag of King Arthur flour and feels very sheepish.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Or a shotgun.
Which is fine to have in your trunk.
Brendan
pfffft as if any HS boy could forget a sack of those tasty treats.
gellaho
What are you going to tell her dad? That you broke into a guy's car and there was nothing illegal there?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Oh my god he is obeying gun laws!"
gellaho
The dog smelled gun and started freaking out? The police dog?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Like, the most officer O'Hara can do here is ding him for improper storage
You, on the other hand, are going to fucking jail for B&E
FancyShark
He was on the Nerf patrol
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Yeah that broken down rifle needs to be wrapped in cloth and put in a container or you will have bolts and springs all over your trunk.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
At least get a case for it, man. Sheesh.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Well he is kinda broke so I cant blame him for not having a case.
gellaho
They did?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Damn Maureen is not a patriot who supports the 2A.
gellaho
I can't imagine this court case is going to go very well
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Hey you realize we can't hold him for very long or charge him with anything, right?"
"Like everyone in this town has a gun in their car."
FancyShark
"It says here he's from New York. You know that's not a felony, right?"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Right now we are holding him on "Suspicion of Being Too Italian" but as soon as his lawyer remembers we repealed that law in 1923 we have to let him go."
gellaho
Alrighty then
gellaho
That is a coincidence
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
THEN WHY DIDN'T MAUREEN FIND THAT INSTEAD
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Cmon that could have been anyones crack.
Its the 90s.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
ARGH ARGH GRARGH BLARGHSGHLSFHGB
FancyShark
Or Marshall has developed an affection for the great scent of Tide
gellaho
Buh
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
You could get crack from the CIA if you said you wanted to destroy communism and black communities.
gellaho
Well, who doesn't
Brendan
If outlawing Italians having guns is outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.
gellaho
That's why kids love eating the pods
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
And destroying communism was somewhat optional by 91.
Brendan
Speaking personally, I only eat Tide pods to fit in with my teen "crew," The X-TREENS
gellaho
Ah, so Chris was also a dirt bag
gellaho
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
The kid that is half teen, half skateboard, Skataur, is really impressed.
Brendan
There's Radical Spab, Stoner Gus, Boofer, Rifle Cholly, Girl Gina, and of course, Wheelchair Kid.
gellaho
It's a great thing there are no flaws in this case that a hot-shot New York City lawyer could take advantage of
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Look for them all in Kathryn's upcoming unauthorized remake of The Sting, coming soon to home video!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Okay but again. 1993, whomst among us didnt sell crack to children in the 90s. The money is so good!
gellaho
It's not like it was obtained via teen b&e
gellaho
Boofer was so hot
And that doesn't sound unlike Gen13
And I thought I loved that hood
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Yeah lots of people think there's more depth to Jason Todd than there really is
FancyShark
He was so slick, running after her when she fled on the pier and him not being Gary
gellaho
Cry for the periwinkles
Brendan
Ew, she got crime-cooties.
FancyShark
We are so many leagues away from what the cover promised
Brendan
I cry for the periwinkles because acidification is making them unable to form shells, but I guess we all stare into different navels.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Welp, she kissed the druggie, she has to start smoking and get an abortion. Those are the rules, Maureen.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Honestly I think it worked better with naval
gellaho
Maureen has a panic attack and needs to see Kevin. I'm only including this for what happens next
FancyShark
But she's not even preg-
Brendan
THEY KISSED, SHARK
FancyShark
WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT
gellaho
gellaho
FancyShark
Someone fetch the scarlet A for her dress
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Kissing a girl with a name like Maureen Murphy results in preganananantsy 1000% of the time. Fact.
gellaho
Especially if you cross Assawoman Bay
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Thats how you get twins.
FancyShark
"Now assawoman," said the drunk.
"And so our bay is named!" they declared
gellaho
Jesus Christ
gellaho
GET UP YOU DUMB, COMATOSE SONOFABITCH
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Maureen that isnt how siblings work. Your parents definitely will make a third child.
Your dad loves raw dogging.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Man, fuck this Kevin.
At least Kevin McCallister would have set up some fun traps and knocked out Tony.
Brendan
Lots of girls are assawomen, to be honest.
gellaho
Sure they do
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I'm an assaman, is that anything
Brendan
SHE FIXED COCAINE
FancyShark
Ever berate a comatose patient so much they convulse? Our hero has!
gellaho
"We call it Jack-in-the-Box syndrome, perfectly natural"
Brendan
Jesus, he's been awake thirteen seconds and she's already back to being exasperated with him.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Not gonna overshare about medical shit during book cage but the fake doctor's sort of kind of almost right here so I call this plausible
FancyShark
"KILL IT! KILL IT! I REGRET CALLING HIM BACK FROM THE ABYSS!"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Toddlers are like that
Brendan
Line of the night, folks.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hope you dont mind, Maureen but you're getting a second sibling. Your parents started trying as soon as Kevin was loaded in the ambulance.
gellaho
You know those little habits we all have like chewing your finger nails, picking your nose, heroin
FancyShark
We're not near the end of the book already, are we? This feels too soon for the wrap-up narrative.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Tony, you are a bad drug dealer. You should transition to just doing drugs full time.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
There's gotta be a fifth act twist coming up
gellaho
That witch is trying to take my pcp!
FancyShark
He got all the mollusks hooked on speed. All he has to do now is tell them Maureen's address and they'll attack.
Brendan
Can't sell your three most addictive drugs in NYC? Why not try a shuttered summer tourist town in Maryland?
gellaho
Time to mellow out with some pcp
Brendan
Labor Day is a blue ocean BY a blue ocean for hooking "teens" on DOPE*
gellaho
You've got plenty of nothing to look forward too
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Goddam witches, always trying to take my PCP.
Brendan
*Drug Oddiction Please Excelsior
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Man, I do kinda wanna go to the beach now though.
Brendan
See? Neurolinguistic programming. That's the power of DRUGS
gellaho
Third person/group vows vengeance
Brendan
*Doing Rad Uddictions Good Seeya
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Oh I got it confused with DRUGS: Daring Rescue of UnderGround Serpents.
FancyShark
"Or maybe I'll just do a bunch of drugs and forget what feet are"
Brendan
A common mistake. You will die for it.
FancyShark
In Tony's drug-addled brain, the buoy near the pier is Maureen. His bloated corpse will eventually wash up in Cuba
gellaho
Kathryn's been watching the soaps again
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Chris you are really into this girl who is both a dingus and hates you. Give it up.
Brendan
brother cousin?
Oh I see, mea culpa. I will die for it.
gellaho
"Yes, it was very impressive"
FancyShark
Trust him, Maureen. You've known him nearly 36 hours.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Yes it shocked me because I am a privileged middle class white girl in a resort town! I didnt know drugs existed for real!"
"I thought the DARE officer made all that up!"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
To be fair most of the time they are.
gellaho
Fifth grade, eh?
Brendan
He's gonna confess to one manslaughter to avoid being judged emotionally for assault.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Bad crowd" is Kathryn for "Trying to grapple with themes I dont understand."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dlQDhAPOkT0
gellaho
"My Mom taught me right from wrong. And so, in accordance with her wishes, I started doing and selling cocaine. I think she'd appreciate that"
FancyShark
How an average white suburban mom thinks drug dealers confess
Brendan
It was da 1980s and da great age of tracksuits wuz upon'us
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I wanna find the person who thought "Drug dealers would give kids free cocaine." and hit them. That shit was expensive, at what point would a fucking fourth grader have money for that?
FancyShark
"They dressed fancy, ate in ritzy restaurants, drove expensive cars and actually I think I'm thinking of stock brokers. Ooo! I should be a stock broker!"
Brendan
This whole book started off as the Two Shades of Grey but for A Bronx Tale.
or the first act of Goodfellas, I dunno.
gellaho
"I mean, that's probably going to happen again here. They don't have any explanation for how they knew that stuff was in my trunk"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
The whole point of crack is you get fucked up for practically nothing, cmon, Kathryn.
FancyShark
First rock's free. And apparently all the subsequent ones are, too if you're short on cash.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Really the best way to get free drugs is to be a cop and rob drug dealers.
FancyShark
Or to make your own
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
They dont tell you that explicitly in DARE tho, but we knew.
gellaho
"I watch a ten year old do coke, please date me"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
FancyShark
"I continued selling the drugs. I just asked customers not to use them near me."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"I don't want it near schools, and I don't want it near kids."
"Other than that? Go nuts."
FancyShark
"When you think about it, I'm a hero."
gellaho
"Do you think I should keep hanging out with Tony?"
Brendan
I would never poison a ten-year-old because I've seen what that leads to.
Dude, from a Maryland shore? He could do it in three.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Chris.....I turned around. You let your drug dealing cousin borrow your car and didnt check it afterward? You deserve to be in jail for being a fuckin idiot.
FancyShark
"Honestly, Tony was keeping a lot of plates in the air that relied on him not getting caught at a high school party"
gellaho
Chris has a fantastic plan: get his bones out of his skin
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I stayed out of jail by always checking my trunk after my brother used my car, Chris. Its not hard.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
Brendan
Tony once confessed to me that he was probably da one wot shot JFK please date me
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
It also keeps you safe from car bombs, Chris.
gellaho
RIP Iola
FancyShark
This is a very weird origin for Marrow. I'm seeing why Marvel went with "mutant" instead
gellaho
Good lord, Kathryn really lights up when it's time to describe the suffering of children
gellaho
You think she'd do it more, considering these are supposedly horror books
Brendan
I can do more to save this boy's life medically out there than I can here in jail. I've sold a lot of drugs, I know how to reverse them.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
The horror is the broken system that makes children doing drugs a reality................maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan
FancyShark
Kathryn trying to dabble in some Trainspotting spec writing
gellaho
Can't believe that plan didn't work
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Yeah the country really all went to shit when we started letting in those drug running Italians
<clap clap>
gellaho
Good thing this interrogation room has a window to the outside, I guess
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Chris..........just wait for your fucking lawyer.
Brendan
The Sacco & Venzetti judge tried to warn us our mercy would be abused like this.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
And people say we need to defund the police.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Seriously dude, just wait for your lawyer.
gellaho
I'm sure the police will let this slide
FancyShark
It's fine. This is fine. No problem.
Brendan
It's okay, officer. I'm breaking my parole for TRUE LOVE
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
WITH CATLIKE TREAAAAAD
Brendan
still they say we belong to the night we belong undercooooverrrrr
FancyShark
Well, who am I to stand in your way? Go find her, you lovestruck fool!
Brendan
we belong to the sound of the coke we've both drunk ourselves unnnnnderrrrr
gellaho
The Hut is where I go to work through things, too
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
"Ya gotta get me to the Pizza Hut before her plane leaves, officer! I'll never see her again!!"
FancyShark
Pizza Hut: Okay, yes, some of our clientele are drug-running teens. But we have pretty good pizza!
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
What Pizza Hut is open to whiny teens at 11pm
gellaho
GIF
This couldn't possibly be some kind of trap
gellaho
Definitely
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
The best one, the one where you know Carl, who works there and will give you extra breadsticks.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Oh man, I forgot all about Carl. What a guy
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Because after school parties have gone so well for you so far, Mo
gellaho
These names are just so terrible
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Like anyone is inviting Maureen to a party now.
FancyShark
Always sign your invitations by reminding the reader what your relationship is
gellaho
Radical
FancyShark
Pratically revolutionary, hosting a party at an arcade
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I think the only reason Maureen is named the way she is is because her parents wanted to name her Moron when she was born and the doctors on call took pity.
gellaho
Crazy, right
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Arcade Bolshevism will never catch on.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Not until the 2020s anyway
FancyShark
GIF
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
For someone who freaked out over a couple guns in someones trunk and someone owning a knife for self defense, Maureen is kind of not very alert.
gellaho
Maureen actively running towards murder
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Maureen, you fucking goober.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Yeah, on the boardwalk out in all the salty air is definitely where I'd put my wax museum.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
You walked right into the Jokers trap, and Batman is across town fighting the Scarecrow!
FancyShark
A wax museum? This boardwalk really is radical!
gellaho
Just doing haunted house stuff now
Brendan
The wax museum was where they stored all the off-season murdered arcade kids.
Has this museum been mentioned in any of our numerous tours of the beach and boardwalk?
FancyShark
It has not
gellaho
The Pier is 18 miles long
FancyShark
Which means the boardwalk has had more development than any character
Brendan
All of this is Becky just getting revenge for not inviting her.
Brendan
So is this book.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
If they wander into a hall of mirrors we'll have officially hit Enter the Dragon levels of bankruptcy.
gellaho
Yes, I'm sure this drugged out teen who can't see straight could set this up
FancyShark
Badger, I think you called it
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Hahaha he's instantly a fucking bond supervillain.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Well at least it wont go full Bloody Parrot.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Instead of being what he is, a mobster, and just running up and bashing her to death with a lead pipe.
gellaho
Oh, so he can't see anything then
Brendan
Well at leats Tony can't stab her if he can't see.
FancyShark
Or leaving town. Since no one can track down the swarthy Mediterranean lad in Whitebread, MA
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Maureen its taking you a really long time to understand he is going to murder you.
Brendan
She's going to put her coat on a wax figure and Tony will stab it thinking it's her.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Cold eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes.
gellaho
The Little Drips
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Assuming the PCP doesnt make him eat his own face first.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
And then she'll slowly pivot around in the corner where she's pretending to be a mannequin and shoot him, I've seen Man with the Golden Gun
Brendan
You put Chris in jail for the crimes that I framed him for! Now you die.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
The Little Drips is the worst The Four Blobs cover band.
gellaho
Notoriously, PCP makes people weaker
FancyShark
This better end with Marshall ripping out Tony's throat
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Nah Mo, rush the guy with the knife. What could go wrong
FancyShark
Drinks: They explode
gellaho
And drugs make you more dextrous
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Hey I have a question. What happened to that old couple in the preview who got knife murdered?
Or do they just not exist in this timeline?
FancyShark
"Wait. YOU sent the letter?"
"Dammit, Maureen, haven't you been listening?"
"Oh my god, you're Tony!"
"uggghhh"
gellaho
You mean Maureen and Kevin?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Jesus, it only just now clicked for me that that was supposed to be them.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
God this is the most boring stabbing ive ever read about.
gellaho
Too good
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Just stab the girl so we can all go home, Tony.
FancyShark
Nothing in this book is "too good", Kathryn
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Kathryn comes from the "Drugs make you superhuman" school of thought I see.
gellaho
Kewpie
Brendan
GIF
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
A......what?
FancyShark
GIF
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
She ran like a demon, demons being well known for their speed
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Im gonna level with y'all..........Ive never seen a Kewpie doll.
Brendan
Demons suck at running. Those goat hooves? fffft
FancyShark
oh god, that's so much worse that I thought
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I thought for a long time they were made up.
gellaho
Covering some ground
Brendan
it was a speed demon
So we're settled on Tony being the coke cup guy like we always knew?
FancyShark
Yep!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Just........dive in the bay and swim? Maureen?
FancyShark
Mystery thwarted!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I mean yeah its probably pretty cold but cmon.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It was a very compelling mystery too. All sorts of devious double bluffs
gellaho
Didn't Tony already do that?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
… would they?
FancyShark
And she's a champion swimmer. We established that at the start of the book
gellaho
Don't worry about that
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Maureen im just so tired of you. Get stabbed like a good Irish girl and die so I can go do something exciting like eat a slice of plain white bread.
Brendan
new yorkers can't swim on account of all the metal studs in their ledduh jackits
gellaho
You fucked up your hands so bad the bones were showing, man
FancyShark
Italians can't swim. Vice City taught me that.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Just as well because the water in New York is 40% live rats.
And the rest is newspapers and hotdog wrappers.
gellaho
Probably shouldn't have broken out of the police station then, dipshit
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
This is why Rome never had a decent navy to speak of.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Never ever
FancyShark
Don't pass out on Dolphin Street. You can kiss your internal organs goodbye if you do.
Brendan
But the rats are 70% water!
gellaho
They have storm windows in Maryland?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Hey Chris, The Fugitive is a good movie but its not a good idea to base your legal defense strategy on it.
Brendan
Mo overthinks. Chris overfeels.
gellaho
Those dolphins are relentless
Brendan
sexually, or...?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Chris you went all the way to Maureens house?!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Yes.
Brendan
He would walk 18 miles and walk 18 more
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
He's gonna have to because she doesnt live near the beach.
Brendan
Take it from a shoreline kid. You do NOT want an entire beach town's off-season cops looking for you.
East Lyme cops were bored AF 3/4 of the year.
gellaho
He's gonna be, gonna be... in prison
Brendan
Prison is just haveling with fewer Scots
gellaho
Welp, I'm a fugitive. Better try to talk to this police dog
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Yes dogs are famously something you can negotiate with like that.
FancyShark
"Meat?"
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Oh yeah I remember you. The guy who's cousin choked the shit out of that girl. WOOFWOOFWOOOFWOOF!"
gellaho
This is a bold strategy, let's see if it pays off
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"We dropped her off at the old haunted insane asylum hours ago. She said she needed alone time."
gellaho
An A-Bomb's mushroom cloud
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Your dad sucks at his job if his barking dog didnt alert him already, Diane.
FancyShark
Chris, if you want Diane to cooperate, just remind her that Marty cheats on her
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Diane........YOU CAME TO SEE WHAT THE DOG WAS BARKING AT!
gellaho
Please let my cousin have a chance to sell PCP to kids again!
FancyShark
Tony wants to suicide by cop and dammit, Chris is going to help
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Aw Chris, its cute you think the resort cops wont just beat him to death in his cell.
gellaho
So, Diane does the first sensible thing in this book and calls the cops
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
You escaped and now they're blood horny.
FancyShark
The cops let him get as far as the boardwalk so they can stop by that radical arcade
gellaho
Looks like Diane is trying to get murdered now
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Diane picks now to narc.
FancyShark
Man, that poor dog. No one should have "work" as their favorite word.
gellaho
I hope someone dies
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Please let someone die.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I hope Mo doesn't die either!
The cool one. Not this lameass.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Kathryns murder mystery books have a body count that is lower than the number of books that exist.
gellaho
The man makes a good point
FancyShark
Nothing builds tension like a character we don't like chasing after a character we also don't like
Brendan
Why is Diane's dad like some unseen figure?
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Tony.........you're about to stab a teen girl to death. You can call her a bitch, you've already proven you're a bad guy.
Brendan
I legitimately read this as Maureen fucked on the power switch and thought...
Rad if you don't get hurt
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
gellaho
Smart, Tony. If she got away in that Ferris wheel gondola, she'd be long gone
gellaho
Murder in his eyes, but just now
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Tony if you dont fall off the Ferris Wheel and hit the spokes like that dude in The Raid who hits that rail and looks like he turned into a puppet I swear to God........
Also Maureen, if he broke his leg he broke it, PCP doesnt make your bones work when they shouldnt.
gellaho
Oh, right, they're circles. Might as well give up
FancyShark
Why do murderers always pursue people onto the ferris wheel. Just wait. It'll come back around.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Fun fact: one of the first people to ever ride in a Ferris Wheel, at the Chicago World's Fair where it was first presented, had a panic attack on realizing they were so high up. He had to be sedated by a woman who wrapped her skirt around his head to keep him calm.
gellaho
Ferris wheels also just go round and round automatically without stopping, right?
FancyShark
I think so?
Unless the operator is sober
So, yes
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
it's like Kathryn is trying to do the end of Strangers on a Train but stupider somehow.
gellaho
Well that was pointless
FancyShark
HE'S UNARMED! SHOOT HIM!
No, you can't put your hands down. He said don't move.
gellaho
"Wait, listen to the guy who admitted to selling cocaine to kids"
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
I think Marshall should nip Chris in the balls just once. As a treat.
It's what he deserves.
gellaho
He also did that to himself, so he can deal with it
FancyShark
"He's been a danger to himself and others before. Please don't hold it against him!"
Brendan
It was a long gamble but it paid off.
gellaho
Reynolds out here really giving Chris all the opportunities to run away. It's not like he accosted his daughter or anything
gellaho
Wait
Brendan
See? Diane's father is STILL just a voice and he's IN THE ROOM
What is, he, God? Is this all an elaborate metaphor?
FancyShark
And on the third day, God created Diane
gellaho
He's shown up quite a bit, but just said stereotypical cop things
I don't know why Kathryn made him Diane's daughter, other than to have access to the dog
They seem unrelated otherwise
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Then He cocked his head, pursed his lips, hummed thoughtfully to Himself, and put her back in the oven to cook a little longer.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Um.......im pretty sure no jury will convict someone who broke out of jail to prevent his cousin from murdering a girl, especially given the evidence against him would be thrown out because it was obtained illegally.
Seems like a long shot.
FancyShark
What if he's Italian?
gellaho
God gave her a patois, but none of the dialect that living in Jamaica would actually give you
Brendan
We have too many lawyers in this discord, all telling me why I can't frame teens for cocaine-gun
NEWSFLASH, NERD: I don't want realism, I want superheroes but for drugs
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Like that time Captain America got his blood turned to meth, that was rad.
gellaho
I am not sure what's happening with the ferris wheel
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Lol Chris, you have enough experience with the cops to know they do not, in fact, have a key to every single fucking place in town.
FancyShark
The wheel stopped somehow and now Victim is in trouble as Villain climbs after them
gellaho
"Hey kid, your hand is fucked up, what to climb that barbed wire?"
gellaho
The fuck is happening
FancyShark
Kathryn is stealing the boring ferris wheel danger scene from every hack movie and tv show
gellaho
The ferris wheel is out of control? I guess?
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
oh my god it actually is Strangers on a Train.
Fuck this shit.
gellaho
I'm not sure Kathryn understands the ferris wheel
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
By "Dizzying" she means "slightly faster than a slow jog."
gellaho
VENGEAAAAAANCE LIIIIIIIIIIPS
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Kathryn has never been on a Ferris Wheel and has it confused with a different ride.
FancyShark
T-take me home tonight?
Brendan
Ferris Wheels: CYCLES OF DEATH
gellaho
I think if you're strapped and barred in, you're fine, girl
Brendan
the ferris wheel at Coney island is just nice, man. You sit in a cage, you see some stuff, I could do that all day. Buy a pass, and just write.
but of course you're battering a dozen Tonys away even if they can't get in.
gellaho
If it's actually moving that fast, he wouldn't be able to hang on with you punching him in the face
FancyShark
You gotta spray for Tonys
gellaho
I don't care how much pcp he's on
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
The traps just dont work.
gellaho
Also, you're a swimmer, you should be able to beat the shit out of him
FancyShark
hahahaha, the ferris wheel is going to fling both of them into the stratosphere
gellaho
With your triangular torso
Brendan
I don't think anyone had a box for this ending in out-of-control ferris wheel
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I just want SOMEONE to get caught in the gears and mangled, is that too much to ask, Kathryn?
FancyShark
The bingo sheet is getting really wonky
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Chris tries to climb up the wheel but gets shredded by its velocity.
gellaho
You have a safety bar girl and a seat belt
Brendan
Like i figured Tony's boss shows up.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Like a bratwurst flung into an industrial fan.
Brendan
Swimming: good training for pullups
I guess?
Maybe?
FancyShark
Breast stroke
gellaho
Rest in pieces, Tony
FancyShark
hahahahahaha
Sausage got his wish
Brendan
WHEEL MURDER
gellaho
Chris seconds before dying from massive blood loss
Brendan
He had to die, so that others might blanch at the thought of smelling marijuana.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Fuck yeah.
Ferris wheel fatalities rule.
Brendan
Twas beauty killed the beast of the northeast.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Some worker is gonna be picking bits of Tony out of that wheel for weeks and they'll never exorcise his ghost.
Brendan
So this kid got mule punted to hell because she couldn't hold a pullup hang for ten seconds?
FancyShark
On the plus side, the fair has a new corndog flavor
gellaho
Gonna be a great relationship when that's the first connection she makes
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Those are the rules, if you die at an amusement park you have to haunt it forever.
Brendan
Oh yeah, Tony is never going to the afterlife. You die like that you become the legend of the haunted boardwalk forever.
some say they can still hear him sniffling and snickering in his ratlike cokehead way.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
PCP also increases the chance you become one of the restless dead, the DARE officer told me.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
ONE!
ONE DEATH!
WE'RE ON THE BOARD!
Brendan
Well you killed my cousin, but your tits will never look this good again so I guess I forgive you.
FancyShark
Tony died as he lived: Italian and high
gellaho
Flowers for Kevin
Brendan
Pretty low to the ground in his final seconds, actually.
FancyShark
Heyooooo!
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
All Kevin wants is that Super Nintendo, MAUREEN.
Brendan
Kevin never drank soda again.
gellaho
Maureen goes right back to yelling at her infirm brother
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Maybe if he had a Super Nintendo he wouldnt do cocaine again, Maureen.
Just saying.
FancyShark
And that, kids, is why you always ask your parents for permission before throwing a party
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Oh Maureen. Brains dont repair themselves.
You are going to be pouring Kevins water for a looooong time.
gellaho
Nintendo leads straight to cocaine, young man
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
not one week later Maureen would suffocate Kevin as he slept after one soda request too many.
gellaho
Fun
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
The only thing SNES leads to is getting a smooch because you lent your next door neighbor Mario Kart.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Oh you are not fucking about to plug your next book in this one, Kathryn!
FancyShark
Big Ron loves his kart racing
gellaho
Really torquing
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I hate you Kathryn. That's not real slang, you could have found out.
gellaho
"I love hanging out with the cousin of the guy who almost killed me!"
Brendan
and i heard everything you said about being glad that little goober was dying when you were out in the hall. every word, mo. every. fucking. word.
gellaho
Sounds like you're really torquing
FancyShark
Press the nurse call button, you little shit. They won't believe you. And they won't get here in time.
gellaho
Vroom vroom
FancyShark
There was no turkey
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
And now Mo and Chris make out in Kevins room.
Like robots made of oatmeal boxes.
FancyShark
"Let's mainline some IV fluid!"
"Oh, Chris!"
gellaho
Maureen engages clingy mode
gellaho
Yes, that's how that works
FancyShark
And Gary II is found
gellaho
Chris escaping custody multiple times, eh, see a therapist
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Kevin, if you ask the right way, Chris will buy you a Super Nintendo and a copy of Crono Trigger when it comes out. He will do it out of guilt.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
like, every week in perpetuity?
gellaho
It's not like you said you sold drugs to kids or anything
And one died
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Technically he gave away drugs to kids. For free. On accident
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
It's fine, kids die all the time. Its natural.
Thats why the US is number 1.
FancyShark
In front of you
gellaho
Very funny, what's his actual name
FancyShark
Meanwhile, Tony's family is being cut apart with a rusty cleaver by his boss
Brendan
"This is my wife, who killed my cousin."
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Dr Klingfeldt is what a perfert with no morals would call himself as he goes around offering free mammograms.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
"Hahahah, I got you. Its really Mengele."
Brendan
His name was Mercutio.
gellaho
The book ends with Maureen insulting her bewheelchaired brother. And turkey
gellaho
But first
Brendan
"Ese fookin' Germans, I sez."
Katie was great.
RIP Katie, you made Marshall pop as a character.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Yeah, no notes for Katie, she did a great job. You get a milk bone.
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
Ew sauerkraut.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Nicole, on the other hand
Brendan
My dog just stops me from writing, the little tennis ball crackhead that heis.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
If that's her real name
Brendan
Sometimes your dog's a Chris. Sometimes a Tony.
gellaho
Hmmm
FancyShark
Imagine getting taught writing by Kathryn
gellaho
Hmmmmmmm
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Oh no
wait, "winterkill" and "demon's beach"?
Brendan
You know I'm something of a po' man myself.
It's highly suspenseful!
gellaho
Hmmmmmmm
Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage
I dont like where this is going.
Ramb$ne
(AND ALIVE!)
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
GIF
FancyShark
We read Demon's Beach. It sucked ass.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
Didn't quite beat the law of averages, did she
gellaho
Same book in every advertisement, very strange
Ramb$ne
did she write anything on the steele level?
or is this all just some Doona stuff
FancyShark
It's Doona without the interesting setting
Ramb$ne
i mean, i realize we're in the year of pain for a specific reason lol
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
It's not my fault if that's what we're insinuating
FancyShark
Picture an after-school special that was labeled a horror story and that's Kathryn/Nicole's whole library
gellaho
And yet, it was probably the best one
We have defeated Surprise Party
FancyShark
We did it!
Exemplary riffing tonight, everyone!
Thank you, @gellaho !
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
THERE WAS NO MASK
BOOOO
BOOO KATHRYN
Excellent garbage, gellaho, thanks once again
gellaho
So concludes the 96th Edition of the Book Cage
gellaho
May all your ferris wheels be of dizzying speed
FancyShark
Have a great night, everyone!
Brendan
I have only love for this author. She comes from a more innocent time.
Who are we to fault her for writing stories about virtuous maidens and bad boys turned good, where all's well that ends well? We, who stand on the precipice of hell and judge her for skipping to heaven? I say, let us die as men and kings. Let us sacrifice our blood to wind back time, in the forbidden scrolls, and see her vision realized.
Let our sacrifice ring out in the halls of Never, for it shall be a finer world.
gellaho
I bet you'd love to give her money for her writing consultancy
Only $375
Brendan
What can she teach me that I don't already know? I live closer to the same boardwalk and was an actual teen at the time of this writing.
Plus I'm Italian.
And I've poisoned children.
The coke-smuggling plots basically write themselves.
Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal
The total package!
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☒🐺
Completely and utterly missed out on Book Cage this week. πŸ₯²