Brendan
Diane is a terrible friend. Becky is going to complain about these watercress finger sandwiches from the Halloween party's outset.
Diane is a terrible friend. Becky is going to complain about these watercress finger sandwiches from the Halloween party's outset.
Soda, cookies, and brownies are the cornerstone of a good party. The fuck is this bint Diane on about
An owl with a musical Jamaican accent like peals of steel drums.
Teens love potlucks
Apples for dunking, because this is 1952
I bobbed for apples at a Halloween party in 2010. I ruled at it.
If theres anything 90s teens loved it was apples.
...LADIES
This party is getting whiter with each ingredient
wait
Do you really trust Kathryn to represent any other ethnicities here?
It's more that I thought we'd hit peak Caucasian already
Also skewing younger and younger. Maureen might not be 18.
I kinda find her representation of whites offensive
This book was writtten in a place where Spanish & Italians don't count as white because they have North African blood.
Because I dont know of a single teen who would voluntarily bob for apples.
Loyalty Attack!
Kathryn's whites are the kind where you have to put the h before the w
The Golden Boy is going to show up and scandalize everyone by bringing a lasagna.
Maureen used Girlfriend Guilt Trip! It Wasnt Very Effective!
Adam Warlock is coming?!
the uncool hwites
Who couldst have foreseen this turn of events!
I mean Will Poulter is also very white. But a cool hwite.
"He must be very tired," thought Maureen.
Gary, pro tip: avoid the word "teasing"
Okay Maureen, while its very possible he's just napping, it is almost certainly exactly what it looks like. So you should fuck Joey Sweatpants.
The funny thing is I can think of six reasonable reasons why a guy with a roommate in the room might be sleeping while a woman's there.
"I wasn't sleeping, Maur. I was pounding. Hard."
Gary didn't even wait a month to let loose.
"We're making authentic mochi dough."
Empirically, neither did Maureen
Gary with the absolute worst response imaginable
Bru.
"It's a coed dorm, Maureen! Sexism is over! Stop living in the past!"
Becomes aggressive when caught in a lie. Put a ring on that, Maureen
They dont let girls into FRATERNITIES, my dude.
Worst possible lie, way to let the side down.
Name one redeeming Gary trait. I'll start: he knows how to pick up the chicks who fuck you immediately and don't care that you're taken back in a time when people still said chicks.
I'll name another: He's not interested in Maureen
Who says girls can't be brothers? Other than what the words mean, anyway
Gary seems great
Gary, why have you not broken up with her?
"Mo, you're making a big deal out of nothing. Jessica's like a sister to me that I have sex with, there's nothing romantic about it at all."
Like legitimately, why not?
To be fair I would be a little steamed too if my girlfriend acted like I didn't know when Halloween was.
There are red flags in any bad relationship. These ones are semaphore.
"It's just a Game of Thrones thing."
He's a stereotype of a shithead in a badly written book
I don't want to victim blame, but Mo, at a certain point you're asking for this behavior to continue.
At the rate they're going we'll have a whole clacks line running up and down the countryside
Fraternity fornication
Wow, I wonder why Gary cheated.
Maureen really has sort of a Madonna-Whore complex about the whole thing, doesn't she.
"They were probably playing 4th Ed D&D like fucking savages"
I wonder if Kathryn wants me to hate Gary
its the 90s so it would be 2e.
I also wonder if she wants me to hate everyone
It's working!
Who wants a ready-to-go college freshman when you could be expensive phone/pen pals with a codependent high school junior?
Gary insists on playing an assassin even tho its a homebrew and Jessica just wont go for it.
Kathryn should probably look up what "streaking" is
Goddamn, Gary sucks though.
Don't let Kathryn manipulate you
She'll be perfectly matched with Golden Child, he of the sweatpants and nothing else.
His last name is probably Gygax.
If getting your dick sucked three times a day means more to you than TRUE LOVE waiting here for YOU, Gary, giving its heart up to YOU after just four more years of waiting, then, then--you can go to H-E-DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS, MISTER!
Jesus McHeaveno
☑️ Italian
Molto Bene
Oh so Ocean City is literally in the ocean.
It's like a Disaster Report situation.
Oh I immediately get a "Does shirtless tai chi on the beach, owns at least one gold chain>" energy from a Chris D'Angelo.
He owns an IROC for sure
He should be giving off only sweatpants vibes
For he is said boy
No red flags here
Sometimes when you wanna dress up you wear your gold chain with your sweatpants.
It draws attention to your chest hair and rippling pecs.
$50!?
Aw, poor dude's agoraphobic.
GIF
Puffy faced, checks out
You paid a reference to the book!
200 dollars a month is pretty good......
I could have had a shitty 90s apartment!
Ah, building an empire on sand. That would make a great metaphor for something.
Fuck off
Society, maybe?
Honestly, this sounds pretty dope. I'd live in a bungalow in the off-season populated by lonely young women making poor decisions if I were whatever age this italian hoodlum is.
Gary's last name might actually be "Hallmark"
Hahahah I am mentally recasting Lorenzo Lamas as Chris now.
He's an alcoholic, don't you judge!
Speaking of which. I'm drinking Sexy Motor Oil tonight.
Brendan, calling it sexy doesn't make it sexy!
Oh my god it's genetic.
Turbo Teens drink of choice.
The poor boy.
Well, Chris, that seems like a clear invitation to me
Stucco - the material of choice for leaning on
Should it be sexy? I mean, he's only a teenager.
Guess? jeans feels like a placeholder brand.
A "come up with a name for this if feeling ambitious later" brand
I dunno, Chris. You can see the jeans better than we can. Why don't you tell us?
Hahahah Guess? jeans, my sister had those.
They're real??
Yeah.
Yes
Kathryn has perfected irritating writing
Oh don't worry Chris, when you hear the problem you will understand her first world white girl problems and your heart will melt.
Because this is a bad book.
You've seriously never heard of the guess brand? At ALL? That was a HUGE teen girl brand in the 80s
Hey, Kathryn, is he running from a criminal past? I can't fucking tell
I wasn't even alive in the 80s, that might be part of it
Do you mind? I'm trying to dramatically run from my relationship the way I can't run from the personal issues that got me into it.
I can't wait for the final chapter where we get the full actual story and Chris is a diamond smuggler hiding the Ark of the Covenant from the mob
He's probably just moved out of his abusive dads home.
If it helps, I was born in 1986 and I didn't know they were a brand
Her long legs
His long legs
Leeeeeeeeeeegggssss
You know what women love? Being pursued by strangers on wide open landscapes with one side inescapable in the season when nobody's around.
As all Italian men do when they turn 17 if they dont stab their dad with a broken wine bottle.
Oh good, now he's disrobing as he chases her.
Then they are both taken by the tide
This is fine.
Chris scowled, wondering what a pretty girl who could afford designer clothes had to cry about
Holy shit ease up there Incelimus Prime
Uh oh
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ctlEBHDROAw
Better wave something shiny to get her attention. Like a knife.
WHY ARE YOU RUNNING FROM ME, YOU STUCK UP BIIIIIIIIII--* Chris went down as she maced him.
Maureen begins her slow road to being murdered
"AAARRRGH YOUR PRIVELEGE BURNS MY SOUL AS THE PEPPER SPRAY DOES MY EYES!"
Brooklyn accent? Are we sure he isn't a space alien with a bad voice modulator?
Supersonic torquing to the max
Fuck off Kathryn. Nobody has ever used that slang.
That is a very elegant way to say she needs to poop
INTRICATE TEAR PATTERNS
Kathryn doesn't mention that as a swimmer, she also looks like an upside-down triangle
Her sadness was attractive to him, and he grew turgid in a Brooklyn accent.
"Jesus....christ..........youresofast........fastest......girl.........I ever.......chased. Wheeeeeze"
she wasn't like any girl he had been around
Yes, because she stopped running.
She didn't have that grimy face of Brooklyn girls, caused by too much leaded gasoline in the air.
I'm glad we're only just now getting a description of our female lead.
Again
Kathryn, the human penis is on the outside
He'd be incorrect
If he asks to eat her flesh, this will be more relatable than whatever Kathryn is trying to convey
All that running has made him want to throw up.
"So you were running and crying, is that because your boyfriend's cheating with you in realtime phone call the way I'd never do?"
So yiz likes joiks uh sumptin?
Ask that redhead if she wants some Italian sausage, Chris. You have it in you.
90s kids love the stooges
I'm still trying to get over her externally visible internal freckle pebbles tbh
"He's probably in the same fraternity," Maureen thought girlfully.
"You looked more like a ho!" he laughed cleverly
Laughing, she realized she was in love with this boy, had ALWAYS been in love with this boy, was MEANT to be in love with him, unless he ever disappointed her, in which case she would murder all he cared about.
"Yiz gotsa pretty laugh."
Goddammit, Kathryn, twang is southern
GIF
Dead ringer
"Wanna see my collection of stilletos?"
This is literally the Gilmore Girls, y'all realize that right
Every character in these books talks like an undercover cop on their first assignment
Stop trying to foreshadow, Kathryn
Be really funny if his bathroom in his shitty apartment is just crammed with authentic medieval manuscripts or something and it just didnt tell us.
Chris instantly died of a heart attack
I mean...I can see it. "Oh moy GAWD yuh so stoopit."
He's into really obnoxious hyperintellectual prose, isn't he
Dude you had to sign something to get that apartment, you are not exactly off the grid, bud.
"Who doesn't have a phone? Oh my god, are you poor? I have pepper spray."
Off-season beach town? I bet he could pay cash at a dingy place.
If she had pepper spray it should already be empty by now
My dude is absolutely going to introduce her to the Basketball Diaries.
Maureen, stop doing weird shit with your face. And giving your address away to strangers
She's giving a Halloween party???
Wrinkling the nose is normally reserved for "what's that horrible odor?", Kathryn
See, Chris is Italian, and therefore a Sinatra fan, so wrinkled noses are il catnipo to him.
Maureen, he's graduated from high school. He's basically a grown ass man, and an admitted drifter. Of course he wants to meet the local kids.
Life's about giving
In the way this book is giving me a headache, I suppose
"My mom's usually too fucking lazy to cook for us"
Suns in her eyes, maybe?
Every serial killer in earshot just heard her address
Maybe one of them can protect her from the protagonist
If I understand women correctly, this means her period got in a car accident
wait
I know what a visit from aunt flo means
I don't know what Aunt Flo getting in a car accident means
"Whats this I hear on the teen grapevine about you having a party, Marureen?" Her dad asks, since grown men hang out with teens in Kathryns fantasy universe.
Violent red, just like an Irishman
v i o l e n t
Sounds more like someone missed a period but dad's calling from work.
"We're going to do a reverse marriage ceremony, its all the rage now. Its not technically divorce."
The casual ethnic stereotyping of a first time writer, but… this can't be right, this is book number three?!?!
The fuck is a marriage encounter
"We're going to a key party. It's very big in the 90s, the decade we are definitely set in."
"I'm going to interrupt your mother's Aunt Flo in a car accident if you know what I mean."
Swingers party but churched up and in the woods so you cant avoid your threesome with Christ.
Her sixth. Our fourth, my friend
I hate that I know the answer
I think that's where you go to a nature preserve to see marriages in the wild. Some are comfortable enough around people that you can feed them by hand.
Its when aliens come down and perform wedding ceremonies for trouble couples.
I mean...I can introduce you to five states' worth of trash Irish who are convinced every DKM song is about their singularly crazy family.
I genuinely hope that I don't, Dad!
Maureen thought her mother was smoking hot
Rescue Me got ratings because every shanty swine was like "Yeah, that's my family, we punch each other in the face but we love one another."
Come at me, Ireland, I don't care.
I don't know. I don't wanna get attacked by a rabid bridegroom
You gotta keep a garter to throw at their mouth
It's the bridesmaids you have to watch out for, they hunt in packs.
Yes, women's eyes age and deage visibly on a 93 second cycle
I'm just saying it's a stereotype but also a lot of people love to see themselves in it, like emotionally damaged girls and Harley Quinn.
Maureen loves her little brother
It's why we convinced ourselves Dennis Leary was funny for so long.
Wait, hates. Disturbingly so
I'm not going to make the obvious joke. That's difficult for me.
Kevin is bitch made. Two at once? I can fit a whole package of bacon in my gob.
They definitely will love your illicit party, Maureen
How dare Kevin Murphy ask if he can have friends over instead of planning the party ahead of time? He should stick to voicing Tom Servo and being a comedy god on Rifftrax
I'm confused. She WANTS her parents there for the party?
"bitch made" and or "fuckmade" is one of the chud insults that just boggles me
Maureen hating her younger brother is something I identify with but from the other angle, my sisters favorite movie was Labyrinth for a reason.
Ah, siblings
Well two reasons.
She's a good girl who wouldn't dream of having an unsupervised party. Also she invited an obvious murderer so she needs the backup
David Bowies big ol hog and the fact its about maybe a hot man will abduct your brother for you if you wish hard and are Jennifer Conolly.
"Soaping people's cars" is an act so vile, we can't even tell you what the soap symbolizes
Again, am I supposed to like anyone in this book?
Maureen.......just have a party?
Imagine the target audience for this book
Your party was lame anyway, having a 13 year old wont hurt.
You can give him beer, it will be hilarious.
The pink flannel of death
If they have a thirteen year old there, the apples will be ruined
what would Kevin do in her shoes
Um.
You won't believe what's happening in our nation's car washes
I'm just saying, having your thirteen-year-old brother there makes this revenge/jealousy gang bang awkward, and it's ALL GARY'S FAULT FOR MAKING HER DO IT.
It will go from Maureens lame party to "Hey Maureen, remember that time we gave your little brother wine coolers and he declared he was Spider Man and jumped off the roof into the pool?"
Jesus Christ, Maureen
"toward" the pool
"Yes. We're lowering his coffin into the ground now, Diane."
Maureen you dont even have a Super Nintendo.
Your party is gonna be so lame if you dont have a setup for Mario Kart.
Your costume sucks, Maureen.
But not as much as Diane's does
Maureen......what? Just wear a trashbag and say you are going as yourself.
Her mom still has MULTIPLE prom dresses?
A fucking dog?
Blackface.
She's going to blackface.
Diane..............you are such a stupid asshole.
You know this.
Diane is from Jamaica. She just has the soul of an ancient white woman
Oh, I thought it was still Maureen, my bad
At least there will be a dog at the party tho, I love dogs.
This is why Kathryn made Diane's dad a cop
I told you you wouldn't guess why
An evening in someone elses kitchen eating cookies and petting a dog is my ideal party tbh.
Kathryn knows you can just. Adopt a German shepherd, right
The dog can sense who is or isn't allowed at a stranger's house?
If you want me to enjoy your party, have a dog or cat, and nobody whose ass I can't kick if necessary in order to hog all the dog or cat's attention
13 years is a long time for a K9 to not be shot by its handler, nice job.
Kathryn knowing something? That doesn't sound right
Ocular patdown
Most of a police dogs job is vibes based anyway.
Be fair; lots of women go to Jamaica to discover their spirituality in under a week, get braids, and also do a Get Out on the citizens.
Kinda seems like the dog doing what he's supposed to, Maureen