96: Surprise Party Nicole Davidson

Brendan

Diane is a terrible friend. Becky is going to complain about these watercress finger sandwiches from the Halloween party's outset.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Soda, cookies, and brownies are the cornerstone of a good party. The fuck is this bint Diane on about

Brendan

An owl with a musical Jamaican accent like peals of steel drums.

gellaho

Teens love potlucks

gellaho

Apples for dunking, because this is 1952

Brendan

I bobbed for apples at a Halloween party in 2010. I ruled at it.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

If theres anything 90s teens loved it was apples.

Brendan

...LADIES

FancyShark

This party is getting whiter with each ingredient

Brendan

wait

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Do you really trust Kathryn to represent any other ethnicities here?

FancyShark

It's more that I thought we'd hit peak Caucasian already

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Also skewing younger and younger. Maureen might not be 18.

gellaho

I kinda find her representation of whites offensive

Brendan

This book was writtten in a place where Spanish & Italians don't count as white because they have North African blood.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Because I dont know of a single teen who would voluntarily bob for apples.

gellaho

Loyalty Attack!

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Kathryn's whites are the kind where you have to put the h before the w

Brendan

The Golden Boy is going to show up and scandalize everyone by bringing a lasagna.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Maureen used Girlfriend Guilt Trip! It Wasnt Very Effective!

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Adam Warlock is coming?!

Brendan

the uncool hwites

gellaho

Who couldst have foreseen this turn of events!

Brendan

I mean Will Poulter is also very white. But a cool hwite.

FancyShark

"He must be very tired," thought Maureen.

gellaho

Gary, pro tip: avoid the word "teasing"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Okay Maureen, while its very possible he's just napping, it is almost certainly exactly what it looks like. So you should fuck Joey Sweatpants.

Brendan

The funny thing is I can think of six reasonable reasons why a guy with a roommate in the room might be sleeping while a woman's there.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

"I wasn't sleeping, Maur. I was pounding. Hard."

Brendan

Gary didn't even wait a month to let loose.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"We're making authentic mochi dough."

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Empirically, neither did Maureen

gellaho

Gary with the absolute worst response imaginable

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Bru.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

"It's a coed dorm, Maureen! Sexism is over! Stop living in the past!"

FancyShark

Becomes aggressive when caught in a lie. Put a ring on that, Maureen

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

They dont let girls into FRATERNITIES, my dude.

Worst possible lie, way to let the side down.

Brendan

Name one redeeming Gary trait. I'll start: he knows how to pick up the chicks who fuck you immediately and don't care that you're taken back in a time when people still said chicks.

FancyShark

I'll name another: He's not interested in Maureen

gellaho

Who says girls can't be brothers? Other than what the words mean, anyway

Gary seems great

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Gary, why have you not broken up with her?

Brendan

"Mo, you're making a big deal out of nothing. Jessica's like a sister to me that I have sex with, there's nothing romantic about it at all."

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Like legitimately, why not?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

To be fair I would be a little steamed too if my girlfriend acted like I didn't know when Halloween was.

FancyShark

There are red flags in any bad relationship. These ones are semaphore.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"It's just a Game of Thrones thing."

gellaho

He's a stereotype of a shithead in a badly written book

Brendan

I don't want to victim blame, but Mo, at a certain point you're asking for this behavior to continue.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

At the rate they're going we'll have a whole clacks line running up and down the countryside

gellaho

Fraternity fornication

Brendan

Wow, I wonder why Gary cheated.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Maureen really has sort of a Madonna-Whore complex about the whole thing, doesn't she.

FancyShark

"They were probably playing 4th Ed D&D like fucking savages"

gellaho

I wonder if Kathryn wants me to hate Gary

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

its the 90s so it would be 2e.

gellaho

I also wonder if she wants me to hate everyone

FancyShark

It's working!

Brendan

Who wants a ready-to-go college freshman when you could be expensive phone/pen pals with a codependent high school junior?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Gary insists on playing an assassin even tho its a homebrew and Jessica just wont go for it.

gellaho

Kathryn should probably look up what "streaking" is

Brendan

Goddamn, Gary sucks though.

gellaho

Don't let Kathryn manipulate you

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

She'll be perfectly matched with Golden Child, he of the sweatpants and nothing else.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

His last name is probably Gygax.

Brendan

If getting your dick sucked three times a day means more to you than TRUE LOVE waiting here for YOU, Gary, giving its heart up to YOU after just four more years of waiting, then, then--you can go to H-E-DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS, MISTER!

gellaho

Jesus McHeaveno

gellaho

☑️ Italian

FancyShark

Molto Bene

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Oh so Ocean City is literally in the ocean.

It's like a Disaster Report situation.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Oh I immediately get a "Does shirtless tai chi on the beach, owns at least one gold chain>" energy from a Chris D'Angelo.

FancyShark

He owns an IROC for sure

gellaho

He should be giving off only sweatpants vibes

For he is said boy

No red flags here

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Sometimes when you wanna dress up you wear your gold chain with your sweatpants.

It draws attention to your chest hair and rippling pecs.

gellaho

$50!?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Aw, poor dude's agoraphobic.

FancyShark

GIF

gellaho

Puffy faced, checks out

FancyShark

You paid a reference to the book!

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

200 dollars a month is pretty good......

gellaho

I could have had a shitty 90s apartment!

Brendan

Ah, building an empire on sand. That would make a great metaphor for something.

gellaho

Fuck off

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Society, maybe?

Brendan

Honestly, this sounds pretty dope. I'd live in a bungalow in the off-season populated by lonely young women making poor decisions if I were whatever age this italian hoodlum is.

FancyShark

Gary's last name might actually be "Hallmark"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Hahahah I am mentally recasting Lorenzo Lamas as Chris now.

Brendan

He's an alcoholic, don't you judge!

Speaking of which. I'm drinking Sexy Motor Oil tonight.

gellaho

FancyShark

Brendan, calling it sexy doesn't make it sexy!

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Oh my god it's genetic.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Turbo Teens drink of choice.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

The poor boy.

gellaho

Well, Chris, that seems like a clear invitation to me

FancyShark

Stucco - the material of choice for leaning on

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Should it be sexy? I mean, he's only a teenager.

Guess? jeans feels like a placeholder brand.

A "come up with a name for this if feeling ambitious later" brand

FancyShark

I dunno, Chris. You can see the jeans better than we can. Why don't you tell us?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Hahahah Guess? jeans, my sister had those.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

They're real??

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Yeah.

gellaho

Yes

Kathryn has perfected irritating writing

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Oh don't worry Chris, when you hear the problem you will understand her first world white girl problems and your heart will melt.

Because this is a bad book.

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

You've seriously never heard of the guess brand? At ALL? That was a HUGE teen girl brand in the 80s

gellaho

Hey, Kathryn, is he running from a criminal past? I can't fucking tell

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I wasn't even alive in the 80s, that might be part of it

Brendan

Do you mind? I'm trying to dramatically run from my relationship the way I can't run from the personal issues that got me into it.

FancyShark

I can't wait for the final chapter where we get the full actual story and Chris is a diamond smuggler hiding the Ark of the Covenant from the mob

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

He's probably just moved out of his abusive dads home.

FancyShark

If it helps, I was born in 1986 and I didn't know they were a brand

gellaho

Her long legs

His long legs

Leeeeeeeeeeegggssss

Brendan

You know what women love? Being pursued by strangers on wide open landscapes with one side inescapable in the season when nobody's around.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

As all Italian men do when they turn 17 if they dont stab their dad with a broken wine bottle.

Brendan

Oh good, now he's disrobing as he chases her.

FancyShark

Then they are both taken by the tide

Brendan

This is fine.

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

Chris scowled, wondering what a pretty girl who could afford designer clothes had to cry about

Holy shit ease up there Incelimus Prime

gellaho

Uh oh

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ctlEBHDROAw

FancyShark

Better wave something shiny to get her attention. Like a knife.

Brendan

WHY ARE YOU RUNNING FROM ME, YOU STUCK UP BIIIIIIIIII--* Chris went down as she maced him.

gellaho

Maureen begins her slow road to being murdered

gellaho

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"AAARRRGH YOUR PRIVELEGE BURNS MY SOUL AS THE PEPPER SPRAY DOES MY EYES!"

FancyShark

Brooklyn accent? Are we sure he isn't a space alien with a bad voice modulator?

gellaho

Supersonic torquing to the max

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Fuck off Kathryn. Nobody has ever used that slang.

FancyShark

That is a very elegant way to say she needs to poop

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

INTRICATE TEAR PATTERNS

gellaho

Kathryn doesn't mention that as a swimmer, she also looks like an upside-down triangle

Brendan

Her sadness was attractive to him, and he grew turgid in a Brooklyn accent.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Jesus....christ..........youresofast........fastest......girl.........I ever.......chased. Wheeeeeze"

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

she wasn't like any girl he had been around

Yes, because she stopped running.

Brendan

She didn't have that grimy face of Brooklyn girls, caused by too much leaded gasoline in the air.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I'm glad we're only just now getting a description of our female lead.

FancyShark

Again

gellaho

Kathryn, the human penis is on the outside

gellaho

He'd be incorrect

FancyShark

If he asks to eat her flesh, this will be more relatable than whatever Kathryn is trying to convey

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

All that running has made him want to throw up.

Brendan

"So you were running and crying, is that because your boyfriend's cheating with you in realtime phone call the way I'd never do?"

So yiz likes joiks uh sumptin?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Ask that redhead if she wants some Italian sausage, Chris. You have it in you.

gellaho

90s kids love the stooges

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

I'm still trying to get over her externally visible internal freckle pebbles tbh

FancyShark

"He's probably in the same fraternity," Maureen thought girlfully.

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

"You looked more like a ho!" he laughed cleverly

Brendan

Laughing, she realized she was in love with this boy, had ALWAYS been in love with this boy, was MEANT to be in love with him, unless he ever disappointed her, in which case she would murder all he cared about.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Yiz gotsa pretty laugh."

gellaho

Goddammit, Kathryn, twang is southern

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

Dead ringer

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Wanna see my collection of stilletos?"

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

This is literally the Gilmore Girls, y'all realize that right

FancyShark

Every character in these books talks like an undercover cop on their first assignment

gellaho

Stop trying to foreshadow, Kathryn

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Be really funny if his bathroom in his shitty apartment is just crammed with authentic medieval manuscripts or something and it just didnt tell us.

gellaho

Chris instantly died of a heart attack

Brendan

I mean...I can see it. "Oh moy GAWD yuh so stoopit."

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

He's into really obnoxious hyperintellectual prose, isn't he

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Dude you had to sign something to get that apartment, you are not exactly off the grid, bud.

FancyShark

"Who doesn't have a phone? Oh my god, are you poor? I have pepper spray."

Brendan

Off-season beach town? I bet he could pay cash at a dingy place.

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

If she had pepper spray it should already be empty by now

Brendan

My dude is absolutely going to introduce her to the Basketball Diaries.

gellaho

Maureen, stop doing weird shit with your face. And giving your address away to strangers

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

She's giving a Halloween party???

FancyShark

Wrinkling the nose is normally reserved for "what's that horrible odor?", Kathryn

Brendan

See, Chris is Italian, and therefore a Sinatra fan, so wrinkled noses are il catnipo to him.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Maureen, he's graduated from high school. He's basically a grown ass man, and an admitted drifter. Of course he wants to meet the local kids.

gellaho

Life's about giving

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

In the way this book is giving me a headache, I suppose

gellaho

"My mom's usually too fucking lazy to cook for us"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Suns in her eyes, maybe?

FancyShark

Every serial killer in earshot just heard her address

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

Maybe one of them can protect her from the protagonist

gellaho

If I understand women correctly, this means her period got in a car accident

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

wait

I know what a visit from aunt flo means

I don't know what Aunt Flo getting in a car accident means

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Whats this I hear on the teen grapevine about you having a party, Marureen?" Her dad asks, since grown men hang out with teens in Kathryns fantasy universe.

gellaho

Violent red, just like an Irishman

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

v i o l e n t

Brendan

Sounds more like someone missed a period but dad's calling from work.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"We're going to do a reverse marriage ceremony, its all the rage now. Its not technically divorce."

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

The casual ethnic stereotyping of a first time writer, but… this can't be right, this is book number three?!?!

gellaho

The fuck is a marriage encounter

FancyShark

"We're going to a key party. It's very big in the 90s, the decade we are definitely set in."

Brendan

"I'm going to interrupt your mother's Aunt Flo in a car accident if you know what I mean."

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Swingers party but churched up and in the woods so you cant avoid your threesome with Christ.

gellaho

Her sixth. Our fourth, my friend

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

I hate that I know the answer

FancyShark

I think that's where you go to a nature preserve to see marriages in the wild. Some are comfortable enough around people that you can feed them by hand.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Its when aliens come down and perform wedding ceremonies for trouble couples.

Brendan

I mean...I can introduce you to five states' worth of trash Irish who are convinced every DKM song is about their singularly crazy family.

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

I genuinely hope that I don't, Dad!

gellaho

Maureen thought her mother was smoking hot

Brendan

Rescue Me got ratings because every shanty swine was like "Yeah, that's my family, we punch each other in the face but we love one another."

Come at me, Ireland, I don't care.

gellaho

I don't know. I don't wanna get attacked by a rabid bridegroom

FancyShark

You gotta keep a garter to throw at their mouth

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

It's the bridesmaids you have to watch out for, they hunt in packs.

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

Yes, women's eyes age and deage visibly on a 93 second cycle

Brendan

I'm just saying it's a stereotype but also a lot of people love to see themselves in it, like emotionally damaged girls and Harley Quinn.

gellaho

Maureen loves her little brother

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

It's why we convinced ourselves Dennis Leary was funny for so long.

gellaho

Wait, hates. Disturbingly so

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

I'm not going to make the obvious joke. That's difficult for me.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Kevin is bitch made. Two at once? I can fit a whole package of bacon in my gob.

gellaho

They definitely will love your illicit party, Maureen

FancyShark

How dare Kevin Murphy ask if he can have friends over instead of planning the party ahead of time? He should stick to voicing Tom Servo and being a comedy god on Rifftrax

Brendan

I'm confused. She WANTS her parents there for the party?

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

"bitch made" and or "fuckmade" is one of the chud insults that just boggles me

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Maureen hating her younger brother is something I identify with but from the other angle, my sisters favorite movie was Labyrinth for a reason.

gellaho

Ah, siblings

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Well two reasons.

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

She's a good girl who wouldn't dream of having an unsupervised party. Also she invited an obvious murderer so she needs the backup

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

David Bowies big ol hog and the fact its about maybe a hot man will abduct your brother for you if you wish hard and are Jennifer Conolly.

FancyShark

"Soaping people's cars" is an act so vile, we can't even tell you what the soap symbolizes

gellaho

Again, am I supposed to like anyone in this book?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Maureen.......just have a party?

FancyShark

Imagine the target audience for this book

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Your party was lame anyway, having a 13 year old wont hurt.

You can give him beer, it will be hilarious.

gellaho

The pink flannel of death

FancyShark

If they have a thirteen year old there, the apples will be ruined

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

what would Kevin do in her shoes

Um.

gellaho

You won't believe what's happening in our nation's car washes

Brendan

I'm just saying, having your thirteen-year-old brother there makes this revenge/jealousy gang bang awkward, and it's ALL GARY'S FAULT FOR MAKING HER DO IT.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

It will go from Maureens lame party to "Hey Maureen, remember that time we gave your little brother wine coolers and he declared he was Spider Man and jumped off the roof into the pool?"

gellaho

Jesus Christ, Maureen

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

"toward" the pool

FancyShark

"Yes. We're lowering his coffin into the ground now, Diane."

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Maureen you dont even have a Super Nintendo.

Your party is gonna be so lame if you dont have a setup for Mario Kart.

gellaho

Your costume sucks, Maureen.

gellaho

But not as much as Diane's does

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Maureen......what? Just wear a trashbag and say you are going as yourself.

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

Her mom still has MULTIPLE prom dresses?

gellaho

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

A fucking dog?

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

Blackface.

She's going to blackface.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Diane..............you are such a stupid asshole.

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

You know this.

FancyShark

Diane is from Jamaica. She just has the soul of an ancient white woman

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

Oh, I thought it was still Maureen, my bad

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

At least there will be a dog at the party tho, I love dogs.

gellaho

This is why Kathryn made Diane's dad a cop

gellaho

I told you you wouldn't guess why

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

An evening in someone elses kitchen eating cookies and petting a dog is my ideal party tbh.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Kathryn knows you can just. Adopt a German shepherd, right

FancyShark

The dog can sense who is or isn't allowed at a stranger's house?

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

If you want me to enjoy your party, have a dog or cat, and nobody whose ass I can't kick if necessary in order to hog all the dog or cat's attention

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

13 years is a long time for a K9 to not be shot by its handler, nice job.

gellaho

Kathryn knowing something? That doesn't sound right

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Ocular patdown

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Most of a police dogs job is vibes based anyway.

Brendan

Be fair; lots of women go to Jamaica to discover their spirituality in under a week, get braids, and also do a Get Out on the citizens.

gellaho

Kinda seems like the dog doing what he's supposed to, Maureen