96: Surprise Party Nicole Davidson

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

And the one with the racist puppets.

Brendan

And Jefferson Davis.

gellaho

It's a real wonder no one has died yet, really

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

I read them, and I can confirm they were not about bears. Well

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

So not all Jeffs are going to heaven, is what I'm hearing

Some Jeffs go to heaven

Brendan

OH NO TONY SPIKED KEVIN'S IV

DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern

That's quite a change between paragraphs

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

That was a hell of a jump cut

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

"clear plastic bags of liquid nourishment" is how Canadians have to buy their milk

Brendan

Just the ones with eyes like Marshall

gellaho

That'll keep his spirits up

Brendan

What do canadians use milk for?

I thought they put maple syrup on their cereal.

gellaho

Poutine

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

It makes a pretty good medium for maple syrup flavor too.

Brendan

Hey @Rachel, 2-Ded Krew is this some kind of sex thing, the bags of milk?

DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern

My favorite thing about that is that they then have to put that bag in a pitcher so they can pour it

FancyShark

His favorite horror novel, unfortunately, is a story about a man who is going to be dissected because they think he's dead when he's really just paralyzed

gellaho

Homework!? My homework is murder!

DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern

Okay so maybe you can still hear and process whilst in a coma. And now you're just gonna be constantly dreaming some horror novel.

gellaho

Doing my face

DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern

Maureen I don't think you can tie your own shoes without help. You ain't got this.

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

I've learned my lesson. Time to go make sure my 14yo isn't baselining angel weed or anything, gnight

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

WE FINALLY HAVE AN INCITING INCIDENT!!

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"My Homework Is Vengeance" would make a kick ass movie title in like a 70s style exploitation\ grindhouse flick.

FancyShark

This isn't Death Wish. You have three suspects and you've already talked to two of them

DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern

Or a super dark diary of a wimpy kid

FancyShark

The End

gellaho

I'm almost certain that's not how that works. Any part of that

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

So youre gonna what? Drag that dog to like a hundred odd peoples houses and beat the shit out of anyone the dog doesnt like?

Or what?

BArks at?

DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern

Why did her dad bring home drugs? They have a scent clone they use to train. HOLY SHIT HER DAD IS ON THE TAKE. HES THE KILLER

gellaho

Here comes Jeff

gellaho

He's got a real bad idea

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Like a bunch of these drug dogs give false positives because their handlers have biases and stuff, this is a spectacularly stupid idea.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Oh no. No no no.

FancyShark

Jeff, goddammit

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Whenever Jamaica comes up in hot dog circles it's never in a good way.

Abort, Jeff. Abort now.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Go for it Jeff, the time is now, transfer that unhealthy affection to yourself, eat your rivals heart and gain his power.

gellaho

Real smooth Jeff

DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern

That's my favorite part about it. Like a cop can't stop and frisk you anymore. But apparently it's cool if a dog gives him the nod

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

This is turning into an all time bag fumble.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

And all the cop has to do is pull on the harness or something to make the dog freak out.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Like, you saw her being physically abused, my dude.

gellaho

"What I mean to say is that I'm stalking Marty"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Diane you dipshit. Maureen told you this before and she DOESNT want to fuck you.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

NOW YOU GET MAD?????????

FancyShark

"I think this conversation was originally supposed to be about Gary, but the author is an idiot"

DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern

Lady. You had to assume that the abuser who doesn't have time for you probably isn't going to take being monogamous seriously

gellaho

Good luck, Jeff

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Holy shit he pulled it off.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Nice.

Great job Jeff, you twisted that knife expertly. Now its just matter of taking Marty's head so you can enslave his soul in the afterlife.

Diane, Jeff is huge tho.

FancyShark

Real nice of you to not tell Jeff all of that, Diane

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

It's fine, Jeff has the power of Beef.

DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern

Like barbarian bros huge

Plus he does kickboxing and jits.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Besides nothing impresses a fairly stupid teen girl like kicking her abusive boyfriends ass.

DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern

Odds are pretty good you can impress her by kicking her non abusive boyfriends ass too

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern

He deserved it. Brown jacket is just defending the honor of no jacket.

gellaho

Well, I had hope to end at a moment that was slightly more upbeat but Kathryn decided that would be impossible.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Hahahahha

I forgot the cover was like that.

FancyShark

I hope we get to the surprise party next time!

DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern

They're very happy together now. They have a B&B in Denver.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

REMEMBER WHEN THIS BOOK WAS ABOUT A PARTY MURDER?

Brendan

Jeff's mastered negging to the point where he can put a woman on the defensive in thirty seconds no matter how violent her committed boyfriend is.

gellaho

gellaho

I don't know where you got that idea. Other than the cover and misleading preview

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Groton

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Oh a Chesapeake. Cute dog.

FancyShark

Still love that she teaches writing

Brendan

Well there's no use crying over spilt milk, eh?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

it's like Proton with a G, and also in many other ways that you would not want it to be like Proton

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I really wanted the murderer to have something to do with that mask that looks like Satan's fat son.

gellaho

So concludes this part of the 96th Edition of The Book Cage

gellaho

May all your children be free of crack cocaine

Brendan

See? Canadian!

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

My kids dont exist and so do massive amounts of theoretical crack. Basically infinite crack.

FancyShark

Thank you, @gellaho !

BlindMonkey

Why am I always getting off the train when this ends

FancyShark

Great riffing, everyone!

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Seagal has mastered the art of standing so incredibly still that the book's author doesn't even realize he's there

Brendan

This is more of a Chris and Tony GIF.

Brendan

MY NEIGHBOR

FancyShark

Go explain teenagers to her!

wait no

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Quick, go do a wellness check on her!

This is only like half a joke.

Brendan

Honestly, this tracks with all those mean-ass Fitch students at Groton.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I'm starting to be genuinely concerned for her.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

The only realistic character in this one is the dog.

Brendan

Really depends how you feel about Connecticut sailing town women writing the Jamaican experience.

gellaho

I just appreciate that I've somehow lucked in to reading these in an order where she outdoes herself

Although, I don't know if this is quite as stupid as Crash Landing, yet

DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern

Are you complaining or bragging?

FancyShark

It's getting there

BlindMonkey

I've always felt possesed by a bored library assistant

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Crash Landing was so stupid.

Like its so stupid I cant think of a clever way to call it stupid.

BlindMonkey

Honestly just wishing for faster rail

DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern

I could live off nothing but that and whey powder

Brendan

Rhymes with rotten. My buddy lives there and takes beautiful sunset photos.

Brendan

Soylent White

BlindMonkey

Brendan's entering The Stunt List

Logan's Run x Breaking Bad let's goooo

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

I'm usually having to start making dinner when it begins, then I pop in sporadically and miss most of it.

gellaho

The Book Cage: Episode 96.5 - Surprise Party

Once again, Nicole Davidson/Kathryn Jensen/Kathryn Johnson manages to surprise in just how stupid her books can be. Last week, many shitty teens have declared vengeance upon a party. Then that party ended, then the protagonist's brother drank crack left by a different shitty teen. We shall conclude said riveting tale of suspense(?) this Friday, 5pm Eastern.

gellaho

FancyShark

It's borderline miraculous how someone managed to get that description on the back cover out of what we've read so far

gellaho

Just under an hour until Part 2 of Surprise Party. In case you forgot where we left off, nerdy Jeff is looking to get murdered

gellaho

And here's where we're going

FancyShark

It's unfortunate that Jeff is both the most likable person in the book and the guy whose only seduction technique is "lecture abused girl about her shitty boyfriend"

FancyShark

It's relentless! Will we even have time to catch our breath?

gellaho

Don't forget taking her to a Jamaican dance concert

FancyShark

We have a massive German Sheperd that could easily kill someone and a dorky hero type who can't fuck. We are one explosion of psychic powers away from a PsyMan story

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Explosion of psychic powers is the exact type of swerve Kathryn would attempt and then botch immediately

FancyShark

Looking forward to her offloading the entire actual plot in the last chapter as the cops explain what happened

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Remember when this book started with Maureen pissing herself in terror that people might think she did it?

"It" being poison her own kid brother with fucking heroin or whatever?

That thing no one would ever do intentionally?

gellaho

It's Pain O'Clock

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Kathryn would imply psychic powers were at play but then make it a homeless guy with a rubber ball on a string.

gellaho

That seems like a little too much incident for these books

Marty, Marshall, and Maureen. Thanks for differentiating the names, Kathryn

gellaho

At least it's better than the last book where she gave two characters the same first name for no reason

FancyShark

Let's remember that her entire plan is "take a geriatric drug sniffing dog to the house of each suspect and hope to find drugs"

gellaho

Gross

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Maureen please dont do that.

Brendan

Evan Dorkin just sold the BEST milk and cheese print on ebay a couple days ago.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Kathryn what the fuck.

Brendan

BETRAYED BY THE JUMP AGAIN

Brendan

@Hannah Bunches of Oats ☝️

gellaho

Jeans leg

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

That dog is going to give her so many false positives when she gets uncomfortable.

gellaho

You know how drug sniffing dogs bark and run amok, right?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Maureen did.........you know how drug dogs work?

Were you expecting written reports or something?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Man. It's already insufferable

gellaho

Time for some breaking and entering

FancyShark

Maureen now wishes she'd read the instructions

gellaho

I'm not sure it's wise to use an old police dog for a crime there, Mo

FancyShark

Whom among us hasn't been delighted by a doorknob?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Fuck yeah, Maureen, B&E with a large angry and old dog, that's probably not a special kind of crime.

This poor dog probably thinks they're going for a walk or something.

gellaho

There are many knob enthusiasts, or "knobheads"

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

This is such a betrayal of Marshall's trust.

FancyShark

Like throwing an invisible ball

gellaho

No, nope. That's not it. That can't be it

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"This is a genuine brass Heinkel knob! ITS PRACTICALLY AN ANTIQUE!"

Dog runs upstairs to her dads bedroom.

FancyShark

Please let him find cookware

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Also.........Maureen.......you want him to find cocaine.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

All drugs is the same, right?

gellaho

You know boy stuff: loose change, Fig Newtons

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I know you are square but its the 90s. DARE taught you the difference Maureen.

FancyShark

TBF, the drug sniffing dogs they used at my high school were told "find the dope", which I think was a blanket statement

Ramb$ne

Usually they found pretzels

FancyShark

Boys love sleeping in condemned buildings. Great job, Maureen.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Depending on the brand pretzels are their own addictive substance

gellaho

How many prepositions can you fit into a single sentence

FancyShark

This poor pooch is so confused

"Do you want me to find drugs or are we on walkies or is it treats time?"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I dont think you should give an aged dog a stale fig newton you found during a B&E.

gellaho

He looked like he might possibly be somewhat interested in maybe some kind of treat

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

,perhaps

gellaho

I don't think Kathryn knows what a magazine is

FancyShark

Marshall gave the impression of a notion that he could be persuaded to accept the concept of a treat made manifest

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Marshall is every reader waiting for Kathryn to get to the point

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I'll have you know Nude Beach Scene is very tasteful, Maureen.

Or should I call you OLIVER CROMWELL!

FancyShark

Nude Beach Scene blew the lid off so many scandals. That's where The Jungle was first published

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Be hilarious if she doesnt find jack shit and Marty just beats his girl stone sober.

gellaho

"Quick, we only have 45 minutes until he's docked and tied the boat!"

FancyShark

heh heh, he'll never know we were here

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Maureen, even if you find something it doesnt prove he poisoned your brother, and also you broke in to get that, it would be inadmissable.

So you might as well kidnap him and break his knees in a shed.

FancyShark

Hell yeah. Dibs on being Mr. Blond

gellaho

Kathryn isn't sure you think Marty's a dirtbag yet, so she's added some subtle details

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

The dog mess left on the carpet and didn't clean up because Maureen forgot to bring doggy bags could have come from anywhere!

FancyShark

Cheating: When physical abuse is not enough

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Marty tying up a Bayliner sounded real kinky until the actual woman showed up.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

You really are a scumbag when you cheat with a girl younger than your 18 year old girlfriend.

Marty has age of consent laws on a laminated card in his pocket.

Also a boat, and thats a red flag.

Never date someone who owns a boat.

Unless its made by hand or something.

Or one of those cool fan boats.

gellaho

Maureen's plan apparently was to search every male student at a different school. Until she thought it was infeasible

gellaho

Not because that's too many students, but because she doesn't know where they live

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Tony the mobster might have had coke on him? What a concept

FancyShark

Lazy beats stupid and Maureen's plan is the proof

gellaho

If only his sexual excitement over a knife could be some kind of clue

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Knives are cool Maureen, you'd understand that if your dad had ever given you The Talk.

FancyShark

At this rate, she's going to remember his pretending to choke her to agitate the dog just before he slits her throat

gellaho

Didn't mention that or how he freaked out when his soda went missing

Kathryn, why include this

FancyShark

World building for yuppies

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Who eats fries with pizza? Is that a thing and I just didnt know?

gellaho

Not just for the inanity, but because you think pizza-and-fries is a thing

Brendan

In Marty's defense, girls his own age have learned not to tolerate his bullshit.

Who am I kidding, his gf puts up with everything.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

gellaho

If you want to hit a body weight record

FancyShark

Old Time Photos is a stripclub

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Oh yeah the one where you can take selfies with strippers while you dress like an old timey prospector or cowboy.

Ramb$ne

i've done it

FancyShark

Their champagne room requires you to sit perfectly still or the photo is ruined

Ramb$ne

true aesthetes get totchos and pizza

so a big oll slab of tater tot nachos to accompany their pikza

gellaho

Very inconspicuous

Brendan

Totchos are technically a pizza

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Marshall having a flashback to the time his handler shot a dude in a blue car.

Ramb$ne

by the transitive property, they're a vegetable then

gellaho

I don't know, Mo, but probably more than one

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

ONE THAT YOU KNOW OF, MAUREEN.

FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

At least one.

FancyShark

There must be a gas leak affecting this town

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Also if you're someplace in the northeast in November then you might as well be in Maryland, I guess.

gellaho

Well, she doesn't have to think at all because dude just walks right up

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

What great foreshadowing.

Brendan

A lot more New Yorkers than drive to the beach in Rockaway, I tell you that.

FancyShark

"AAAAGGGHHH!" <BLAM><BLAM><BLAM><BLAM><BLAM><BLAM><BLAM><BLAM><BLAM><RELOAD><BLAM><BLAM><BLAM><BLAM><BLAM><BLAM>

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Marshall just really hates Ford automobiles.

Brendan

Fix Or Repair Doggie

gellaho

Cool under pressure

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

And its an Escort. Thats a fucking grandpa car.

Even in the 90s that would have been a grandpa car.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

All time hall of fame inner monologue

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Maureen you.........didnt open the trunk.

FancyShark

Chris was probably standing right next to the car the entire time

gellaho

Nailed it

Brendan

In the '90s drug dealers would murder anyone who knew they had drugs.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Smooth, Maureen. He wont suspect a thing.

Brendan

ESPECIALLY their target customer base.

FancyShark

It's how they made all their money that they spent on loud music

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Usually shortly after forcing children to eat their free drugs.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

So they'd buy more drugs after they killed them

This is known

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

The only way to keep from being forced to do drugs was to call them a turkey.

gellaho

Aware of how dark it had gotten

Brendan

For the uninitiated youth: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AqaocGXy1uM

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Maureen, theres not even a single fucking inch of steel in a 90s Ford Escort.

gellaho

Kathryn writes sentences like they're puzzles you have to to decipher

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

An inch of steel?

They really relaxed rationing after the war, huh

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Certainly not depth.

FancyShark

Unless she meant the dog was digging across the car

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Kathryn were you trying to imply Marshall was investigating a nearby manhole?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Ford makes cars for baseball moms who need to bounce an anti-tank round from the Jerries on their way to school.

Brendan

Rewatching that ad, all I see is a young man finding out the painful way that Joey is not the friend he thought he was.

"Joey! Come share my pot!"

gellaho

A knife... a knife!

Brendan

"FUCK YOU TONY"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Poor Tony.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Gasp!

Secret Origins!!

Brendan

This badger gets it.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Maureen........lots of people carry knives.....

Did.......you not know that?

Turns out we have a right to.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

They carry a knives… A KNIVES!!!!

Brendan

And now for the VERY initiated https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BOq2M0p7-Z0

gellaho

A voice containing secrets, cocaine secrets

gellaho

Brendan

Maybe we're all being unfair to how pre-Third Wave feminism women felt in a pre-cell phone era around unstable young men when the gasoline was still leaded.

OR

hear me out.

Mo is the turkey.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Chris maybe you dont want to date Maureen, she seems exhausting and frankly a little paranoid.

Her friends suck too.

And her brother does cocaine.

gellaho

That brief kiss certainly needed it's own paragraph

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Definitely the sign of a healthy relationship when you're left shaking and confused after an interaction

gellaho

That brief peck blew Mo away

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Osculation confuses Maureen.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"How could someone who does drugs be a good kisser?! UNBELIEVABLE!"

I'm really starting to see why her friend was unwilling to take her word for Marty cheating on her, Maureen is kind of a dingus.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

She has the survival instincts of an unattended toddler with a fork in a room full of electrical sockets.

gellaho

The things Maureen knows about Chris: his name, maybe.

This background check is gonna go great.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Reynolds comes back in half an hour and Maureen has written Chris's first name, Tony's first name, drawn a bunch of squiggly stick figures, and started panic-eating the notepad.

Brendan

So you see these teens are from New York City, eh? VERY suspicious...

gellaho

Meanwhile:

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Riveting stuff, Kathy

gellaho

NEW YORK CITY!? Get a rope

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Reynolds is doing a really great thing, performing an unauthorized background check with no real details on the word of a slightly slow and panicky teen girl.

gellaho

https://youtu.be/YNGPxA3H7FA