96: Surprise Party Nicole Davidson

FancyShark

Little brother

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Hahahahah your school is rivals with a TECHNICAL school! NERD!

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

Dave is Dave's little brother.

gellaho

Oh, no, not the Devry football team!

FancyShark

Rollin up with their Biz Markee blasting on Medium

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Someone not smart enough to con themselves a Super Nintendo out of their big sister.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Oh my god Bush is invading her house party!

FancyShark

Even worse, it's the band Bush!

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

BUILT LIKE DESERT STORM TANKS

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Topical!

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

It's not even what they're called!

They're fucking Abrams tanks!

gellaho

The smell of twang

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

American, Iraqi, captured Russian stuff in Iraqi service?

I'm not sure this author knows a main battle tank from an APC, fellas

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Um you literally cannot. Fuck off or we call the cops?"

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

And even so Kathryn is old enough that people would still be comparing shit to Sherman tanks anyway!

gellaho

You know how sounds smell.

And smells sound

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I'm rooting for Team Desert Storm here. Waste this mobster fool.

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

Listen! Do you smell something?

FancyShark

Nothing creates tension like loathsome characters threatening to kill...other loathsome characters

gellaho

What is this, the fucking Outsiders now?

gellaho

Where's Ponyboy?

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

YESSSSAS

FUCK YES SWITCHBLADE

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Man I wonder who the killer will be.

FancyShark

Even more on the military nerds' side now

gellaho

How many people are going to declare vengeance on this party?

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

🗡️ 🤌

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Jesus christ, this is turning into the siege of Precinct 13.

FancyShark

Oh god, I hope so

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

Precinct of 13yo

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Hell yeah, nothing says "Fuck off and go home." like a good switchblade.

gellaho

The boys at ITT Tech only understand violence

FancyShark

Except for a big scary do- MARSHALL, DROP THAT! DROP IT! NO CUPCAKE! DROP!

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

It was either the knife or the soldering iron. This way was better. Cleaner.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

You said you didn't want a fight, so I explicitly tried to escalate the situation into a fight

gellaho

Thimble heads

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Nothing makes a Maureen horny like threatened knifeplay.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

hahahahaha I want to see that version of the story

FancyShark

That feels like a slur, but I'm not sure of what

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

And nothing impresses a 13 year old boy like a switchblade and a leather jacket.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Kevin fronting on this vanguard assault line of football geeks and they just stub him out like a cigarette under their shoe

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

"nobody said put the knife AWAY, Chris." panting heavily

gellaho

This is a strange story

gellaho

Sewing circles

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

That bulging pillowcase is a little unnerving Kevin

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Between Desert Storm and Arsenio Hall, this book isnt dated at all.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Mr Mayhew is the only one in the country lacing his Halloween candy with LSD before he hands it out.

He's an outlier and the news shouldn't be counting him.

FancyShark

You're gonna want to check the candy wasn't tampered with from Mayhew

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

LSD is good for children anyway. Promotes empathy.

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

Can you introduce me?

FancyShark

That's a razor blade in the candy situation if there ever was one

gellaho

I AM TOO JACKED UP ON MR MAYHEW'S REESE'S CUP FOR BATMAN

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

If only

hahaha I was joking. Kathryn I was joking.

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

I don't want to read the Kevin masturbation scene please

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

HELL YEAH DRUNK 13 YEAR OLD LETS GOOOOOOOO KATHRYN!

FancyShark

Smash cut to twenty years later. Kevin is now Bubbles from The Wire.

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

Or from trailer park boys

gellaho

Kathryn has decided the thirteen year old needs to be drunk

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG!

FancyShark

"And I've swallowed Drano before, so I should know"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Little dude you are going to barf so much!

Its gonna be so bad.

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

Kevin, you're in danger. Your sister has built up a HEROIC tolerance for the stuff the boys put in that, you... haven't.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

It's probably poisoned.

gellaho

Sounds like Mr Mayhew's Reese's Cup had a little extra added to it

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Can we talk about the umlaut over Draino

gellaho

Kathryn comes alive when it's time to torture the children

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Nope, Kevin. You just drank poison!

Well a non alcohol poison.

gellaho

In that it's not one

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I don't care enough about this book to look up the proper word

FancyShark

This book is just going to be an After School Special, isn't it

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

What the hell did Kevin drink that induces a heart attack

Belladonna?

FancyShark

gellaho

Oh, no, Kevin drank whatever Tony put in Chris's drink

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Lil bro just got a gut full of toad venom like its a kung fu movie.

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

I am a literal former sailor and I've never had pain shoot down my left arm from booze, I don't see an issue of quantity there

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Tone spiked the punch but Marty poisoned it. Calling it now

gellaho

Tony out here trying to get crunk at a high school Halloween party

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Crummy soda" he says, like its not 199X

gellaho

Yes, that's what being drunk looks like

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

They dont even have orange Faygo so Tony needs to shut up.

FancyShark

Nice of him to watch his language

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

Again. The boys put more than alcohol in that punch. And the girls have had time to build a tolerance.

I'm very glad Maureen didn't have a little sister

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Maureen, are you so square that you dont know booze doesnt give you muscle spasms like that?

gellaho

Maureen more worried about being in trouble than her brother dying

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Like he is obviously done been pizened.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

"drug" being the worse of the two, clearly

FancyShark

This is going to end with them jamming an adrenaline needle in Kevin's heart

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Maureen immediately thinks "FUCKER THIS WILL RUIN MY PARTY!"

And then "My parents are going to be so pissed off!"

And not yet "Oh fuck my brother is dying!"

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

I fuckin told y'all that shit was roofied

FancyShark

And the party was going so well up until this happened!

gellaho

Fun

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

And I didnt get along with my siblings either but cmon, Maureen, I would have thought of them dying FIRST.

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

I know fucking Kathryn is going to make it about the candy

FancyShark

This is like if Adventures in Babysitting was directed by Werner Herzog

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

But that boy OD'd on roofies in the punch

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"MY PARTY IS RUINED BY YOUR COMATOSE STATE, KEVIN!" Maureen shrieked."

"Everyone at school is going to hate me because my party was ruined by you being poisoned, you shithead."

gellaho

So, I believe that flashforward where she was talking about "a boy was stretched out on a hospital bed." I'm pretty sure that was her brother

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

I'm quivering, gellaho

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

So I wonder what wild stereotype Kathryn will draw on to establish who the culprit might be?

gellaho

Which is unsurprising considering her mother calls her "the child"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Maureen is fucking 18, Maureens Mom.

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

SACRIFICE THE CHILD

FancyShark

Guess the marriage encounter didn't cover this

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Would honestly have been less dehumanizing if she'd called Maureen "it"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH KEVIN RUINED MY PARTYYYYYYYYYYY!" Maureen sobbed inconsolably.

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

Shit this is why Kevin was ready to charge the dork football line with a bat single handed

Bath salts

gellaho

Also, my brother is dying

FancyShark

"GARY! WHY DIDN'T YOU COME TO THE PARTY, GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

gellaho

Very confused about what sign that is

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

HANG TOUGH

holy shit

FancyShark

👌

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

Backstreet, or NSYNC?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Hahahahah Maureen has no idea what a Hells Angel looks like.

FancyShark

A Hells Angel would have ripped each finger off of Chris for fun

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

They look like the bad kid from Gilmore Girls apparently

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Also what a boomer ass shorthand for "Kind of rough looking dood."

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

🤙 apparently it's this

gellaho

HAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

gellaho

FancyShark

HAHAHAHAHAHA

KATHRYN, YOU FUCKING SQUARE!

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Like my mother wouldnt say something like that and shes fucking 70.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Lmao cocaine?

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

Omg exactly what I was thinking

COCAINUM

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Like Tony and Chris have coke money.

gellaho

Later

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Its 199X too Kathryn, the teens do crack now.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

they could barely keep Bada Bing running

FancyShark

Your drug sniffing dog couldn't detect cocaine in the house?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

You sad bitch, you cant even keep your drug panic up to date.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

If you're an adult and you use the word "zillion" in a serious moment like this, you suck

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

SHES TAKING A MORE THAN THIRTEEN YEAR OLD GERMAN SHEPHERD RUNNING

gellaho

This is such a fantastically bizarre conversation

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

FancyShark

I'm 99% certain cocaine isn't "dope"

gellaho

He was sniffing at Tony. It's one of the few things I've skipped

This book is insanely stupid

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Probably because of the pepperoni in his pockets.

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

Personally I've never heard anybody who actually drugses call anything but heroin "dope"

FancyShark

Hell, I think I'd sniff at Tony if that was the case

Brendan

I'm back, and wow.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

It would be way funnier if Kathryn had done research and was using outdated terms for cocaine instead.

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

You are now on the floor, convulsing.

gellaho

Jesus Christ

Brendan

All the men being awful is realistic, so don't level charges of misandry, but also the author makes this feel personal. Like they're awful for only half the right reasons.

gellaho

maaaaaaaaaaaannnnn

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Yeah Maureen you should feel guilty but maybe not this guilty?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Hey now. Jeff has been nothing but a saint so far.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Like you are a bad sister but cmon.

Brendan

seriously though, dogs weren't made for long-distance running, don't take them with you.

gellaho

I feel fine with calling Kathryn whatever

FancyShark

@Brendan , here's your recap:

Sweatpants Chris brought his thug cousin Tony, who thought it'd be hilarious to pretend to strangle Maureen to antagonize the dog.

Marty was thrown out for beating up Diane.

Kevin, the little brother, imbibed the spiked punch and Halloween candy. Somewhere in there, he got cocaine in his system.

Brendan

Saint Simp

DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern

Okay if she let her brother OD on dope I sure as shit wouldn't let her borrow my dog.

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

HE IS OVER THIRTEEN YEARS OLD

DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern

I'd give her my other brother first

Brendan

It's okay, alsatians are a strong breed, not known for hip dysplasia.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Dog drops dead from running induced bloat.

gellaho

It couldn't possibly be the guy who choked you and freaked out when his soda went missing

FancyShark

My money is still on Marty

Brendan

I'm sorry about your brother, Maureen. Is your family going to finish Mr. Mayhew's Reese's Peanut Butter cup, or...?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

THEY FORCED HIM TO TAKE THE DRUGS SO HE'D GET HOOKED ON THE DRUGS AND HAVE TO BUY MORE DRUGS

THE PERFECT CRIME

gellaho

Our vivisection was very thorough

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

"Sorry about Kevin, babe. Is there any coke left tho?"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Who puts coke in a cookie?

Brendan

This was 1991 so fun size candy, while still bullshit, had yet to begin shrinking 5% every year.

FancyShark

"No wonder I couldn't have just one"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

For that matter who puts coke in a drink?

DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern

gellaho

Maureen Dragonard, or MODRAGON

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

This was 1991 so everyone should have known better about everything, especially the grown ass author

FancyShark

"Kathryn should have known better" is her entire career

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

Did mo just have an O?

Brendan

Marshall ate all our coke brownies

gellaho

DAMN YOU, PHONE!

DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern

She gonna feed him his own coke.

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

All those feeling swelling inside her

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Modragon" would be a sweet name for a fantasy character, ngl.

FancyShark

"No one kills my little brother but me!"

Brendan

When I was a lad, phone calls were a dime.

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

Hello fellow old

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"The only time I want my brother dead is if the culprit is a big dicked glam rocker who is also some kind of magical king."

Brendan

Remember when they became a quarter? That ate into your canned corn budget, by jehosephat.

gellaho

I mean, you know where Maureen lives dude

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Right?

DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern

As mad as she is you'd think someone killed her dog. Not just her brother. Your parents can get you another sibling. Just takes 9 months and a trip to the olive garden

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I could call out of state for a quarter and still get a nickel back in change.

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

That Travis Tritt song woulda sucked if it hadn't gone up from the dime

gellaho

Tony time

FancyShark

Sure, PCP. Why not

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

FUCK YEAH ANGEL DUST

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

90s teens named Tony loved them some PCP.

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

Just like the bullshit stories my parole officer stepdad used to tell

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

The panic about PCP back then was always really funny to me.

gellaho

Hey, man, don't dip your ass in the punch

gellaho

You thinking a lot about pcp?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Man why would i go around putting crack in peoples drinks? That isnt how you do drugs."

FancyShark

Irate, Tony pulls out his snuff box and inhales deeply and pointedly

Brendan

Crack. You eat it!

gellaho

Couldn't have been that careful if you kept your plates, dude

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Look, Chris, I know you are super square and all but cmon dude. I dont buy drugs to waste them, I buy them to get fucked up. If I put a hundred dollars worth of crack in someones drink that is a hundred dollars worth of crack I CANT DO MYSELF."

Brendan

My understanding is Kevin stole Tony's drink for himself.

FancyShark

Pretty much

I don't think he knew whose it was, but the drink was left unattended

Brendan

Man, if you can't disappear in the early '90s...

Have you seen what a Maine driver's license looked like as late as 2000?

I've had better library cards.

gellaho

Why had Mrs Yakovetski devoted the entire period to "In Soviet Russia" jokes?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GET TO THE MURDER, KATHRYN.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Hahahah of course Kathryn implies the two teens from New York are mobbed up and on drugs.

Brendan

Diane, FFFS

FancyShark

If Forensic Files taught me anything, it's that it was harder to stay in your own neighborhood than it was to be abducted

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

Alabama still issued PAPER temporary licenses, took several weeks to mail you your real license

DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern

DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern

They're from NY not jersey. They're probably not mobbed up.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Diane, leaving your abuser is hard, but you can do it.

Brendan

Kathryn doesn't realize her good guys are as shitty as her bad guys.

DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern

Diane should get a gun. Jane Wick this situation

gellaho

Oh, we're going back for seconds on this are we, Kathryn?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Kathryn probably doesnt know the difference between New York and New Jersey.

Brendan

Don't listen to the sausage, Diane! Shoot him down!

DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern

That boy ded

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Listen to this Sausage, Diane. Slit his throat with a straight razor while he naps in his car.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

and I bet she couldn't tell a wristlock from a wristwatch, either

DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern

Diane. Use a nail gun to lock the doors shut and put a rag in the gas tank and light it.

gellaho

Yawouldn'tb'lievewha'shesaid

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

SHUT UP

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Diane you are making me so sad right now.

Sadder than these books usually make me.

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

W I d e. s h o u l d e r s tho

FancyShark

Okay, kids. You can get one book. Do you want Hardy Boys, Boxcar Children, or Miserable Horrible Assholes?

DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern

I mean he was slumped over the steering wheel presumably he's got at least some of the day to sit around and wait

Brendan

Kathryn knows pivot-abusers all too well.

DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern

I've read the other two. Gimme MHA

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Kathryn, is everything okay at home? Do you need someone to be your getaway driver?

gellaho

Oh, Kathryn, you so don't have this

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

JEFF TIME

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

What baffles me is why Kathryn tries to pass these as murder mysteries.

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

FUCKIMUP

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Jeff needs to drop kick thru the windshield.

gellaho

Kathryn, did you think kids were saying broads in 1993?

DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern

No.

No she didn't.

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

This book is k-rad

FancyShark

Literally every character in her books deserves death. There is no mystery to be found.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Kathryn, I realize this is a book for probably teens, but you can use the word "bitch.", weve heard it on TV in 1991.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

This stretch of the book isn't even fun tbh, it's just sad and uncomfortable

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

We're still waiting to find out why Jeff needs to die.

Brendan

Maybe she's helping young women recognize themselves in bad situations and the murder mystery is just the cover so the abusers don't twig to self help.

You know, how like Clan of the Cave Bear was about the discovery of the female orgasm?

DeltaFoxtrot, A.I.M.S. Intern

Gellaho, you paid 51 dollars too much for this.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

too good for this sinful earth

Brendan

All Jeffs go to heaven

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Damn that explains why my older sister was obsessed with those books, I thought she just liked prehistoric bears.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Jeff and Chet go to the same Sidekicks Anonymous chapter

gellaho

I like that Marty started out putting rubber spiders in girls hair and is now in the honeymooners

Brendan

except for that one who worked for Dubya.