96: Surprise Party Nicole Davidson

gellaho

Brendan

JFC

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

That's also a long time for a German shepherd, period, jfc

Brendan

But what if someone comes to this halloween party dressed as a bank robber?!

gellaho

Come on, let me pretend to be blind!

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Change out one of your bank robber gloves for a blue latex one, say you're coming as the Brickster from Lego Island

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Marshall just craves the taste of gunpowder, it had nothing to do with the robbery.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Cop dogs don't know Lego

"I need a living animal trained to attack if something moves wrong for my costume at this party with lots of moving bodies!"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Diane has such good judgement. Bring an elderly paranoid attack dog to a noisy party full of teens.

gellaho

It's almost like we invited people to a party

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Oh come on, Kathryn.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Time to freak out like you ordered food while too high!

Brendan

Hi, it's me, I heard there were single redheads?

gellaho

How dare you wear a mask to our Halloween party

FancyShark

GIF

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Oh its the one dude we probably want to see mauled by a dog who isnt Gary.

Brendan

GUDBOI PLAYNOW

FancyShark

If his last name isn't McFly, he's no Marty we want

gellaho

Is Marty 12?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

She made a big scene of checking the brownies. There was no point in making a big scene.

Brendan

License this book but as a comedy

Just a self-serious teen fussing demonstratively over brownies.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

lol Diane has great taste in dogs and boyfriends.

FancyShark

This is building up to a classic slobs vs snobs situation

gellaho

Marty Best was lucky to be born on The Planet Gullible Morons

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

All she has to do now is reveal she has a gun in her purse tonight.

Maureen, maybe Diane thinks Marty is funny?

Or maybe he has a big dick.

gellaho

Kevin the 80 year old tween

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Diane isnt exactly a genius either.

FancyShark

"Horse glandular, my fellow pre-adults!"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Kevin now is the time. Trade your absence and silence for a Super Nintendo.

It worked for me, it can work for you.

Super Mario World is so fun, Kevin.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

My god. Each character is more annoying than the last.

How is it possible.

Brendan

What the

gellaho

The family of psychopaths

Brendan

This is like a pickup trick from a Seanbaby article.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Marty "Don Diebel" Best

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Aw Kevin you were doing so good, and you blew it.

gellaho

You know, Maureen, not having a party was always an option

Brendan

Put rubber spiders in a girl's hair. When she screams, say "You have a spider in your hair!" Then offer to pull it out for her. "Good news," you say, "It was rubber and I had nothing to do with it. Write your number in my little black book." She'll be so grateful she'll get detention for making out in class.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

You settled for something she couldnt stop you from doing anyway.

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

Oh good, the band will calm things down

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Kevin needs to read The Art of the Deal.

Brendan

So does Donald, though.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

He doesnt read, everyone knows that.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Because nothing makes sure thing's don't fall over at a party like winding a lazer grid maze of Rapunzel hair through the house.

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

He didn't even write it, why would he read it?

gellaho

Another disappointment, my cheating boyfriend and the boy I want to cheat with didn't show

FancyShark

This teen slasher story is taking forever to get to the fireworks factory

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Jeez, the guy you know nothing about might just be late, Maureen.

gellaho

Oh, Chris, be an Italian-American stereotype for me!

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Does anyone else remember that professor who went to get help and fell down a hole offscreen and passed out for the rest of the book

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

I'm hoping her worry about the glass tchothkes means we're working our way up to a Risky Business situation

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Chris strikes me as more of a flautist tbh.

gellaho

The nerd approacheth

FancyShark

Hard to say. This author doesn't have a good track record of paying off setups

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

You can fit a handgun in a flute case, Maureen.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Okay Jeff, you're instantly the most likeable character in this whole book. Whole series even.

Do not fucking blow it.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Jeff is gonna die, huh?

FancyShark

All he has to do is not speak again

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

Idk he lost me with the little cough

gellaho

Jeff is very interested in Diane. I assume he hasn't seen her costume

FancyShark

Steeeeeeerike one

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

That's the consumption. He's dying and no one cares. You callous bitch.

gellaho

"He reminds me of my friend's dog," Maureen thought

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Ooof, Jeff.

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

FancyShark

"Because he's also a son of a bitch"

gellaho

"My friend's fat dog"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Ideally you want to NOT remind women of family pets.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Jeff got fucking Dog Zoned and not in the fun hour-long podcast way

gellaho

Maureen, what

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

Unless they're into that. In which case you still do NOT want to remind them of...

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Oh Jeff will tear Martys arms off and turn him into a meat puppet, but thats not the issue at hand here, Maureen.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Oh my god Kathryn thinks nerds go Super Saiyan if they get mad enough.

Brendan

But a stiletto, that's a nice omerta weapon.

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

We do, it just isn't very effective.

FancyShark

Kathryn foreshadows like a Punch and Judy show

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

That dog should not be eating cookies, Maureen, you need to stop him or he's gonna barf.

gellaho

I know, I'm not an idiot Maureen

gellaho

Tom the Unpronouncable

FancyShark

Flailing. Incoherent. Sometimes openly racist.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

To be fair to Jeff it's astoundingly poor form to be cosplaying disability for a costume party. Shame on you, Diane.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"No.....I mean they're really red like...........you know what, I think maybe you aren't the right person to talk to about this."

Brendan

Jeff was also allowed to eat chocolate this one night even though it was bad for him.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Oh god should I start a countdown for the hard P slur?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Jeff is also going to throw up on the carpet and have to be hosed down outside.

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

Everybody calls him Tom Penis and we all know this

gellaho

Wondering why Maureen has cologne in her room

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Pznowski is like a subgenre of Grabowski, right?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

"Di? My dear, that'll be the last thing I do!"

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

Isn't everything?

gellaho

Uh, oh Kathryn. You are not equipped for this

Brendan

I don't even know which slur this is. Oompa Loompa?

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Maureen did Dipshit nerd Jeff figure out Diane had inner torment before you did, you stupid moo?

FancyShark

I'm not sure I get this prank

Brendan

Jesus, Marty is having an evening.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Tell jeff! LET THE BLOOD FLOW! SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE!

Brendan

Let's recap the men in Maureen's life.

gellaho

Abort Maureen, abort

FancyShark

Cheater

Psycho

Dad

Manipulator Brother

Abuser

Jeff

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Okay so, you know how Jackson Pollack was a famous painter?

Brendan

GARY: Contemptuous philanderer

DAD: Hair-temper bad husband and scary absentee father

CHRIS: Italian, and therefore 1920s gangster on the lam, see?

MARTY: Physically abusive philanderer

JEFF: A dog with the build of an assistant college football coach.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

It's the one that's like that. The ethnic one.

Brendan

You can say that word without the P?

gellaho

Then the rumpus room, the bedroom, the bathroom, the kitchen room, the lawn room, and the garage room

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

I mean, I sure don't

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

LET JEFF DO IT!

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Say it. At all. Just to be clear.

Brendan

I had to look up if that was even a slur last month because it was just like used as often as Pole in the '80s.

gellaho

That's what I do when I hear Billy Idol, too

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

Hold up, the POLICE DOG didn't mind his human being punched?

Brendan

He was, like all of us, distracted by cake.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Cop dog. Makes all the difference.

FancyShark

Cake good

Brendan

God, I have the perfect joke and I'm not going to make it.

ACAGB

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Okay but dont regret it when you die.

gellaho

That tiny waisted bitch

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

You can always regret a joke you told but should never regret a joke you didnt tell.

Brendan

Marty's Stardusting!!!

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

gellaho

Polack is used in Hamlet, so it's classy

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Lmao Marty goes "mask off" after punching a woman. Fuck off Kathryn

Brendan

I would have sicced Marshall on Marty, but I'm what you call CLASSY Irish.

We put our dogs upon the unwashed, we don't sully our hands touching them in combat.

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

Crushing some tiny waist bro

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Oh please. Classy is breaking out the shilleighlagh.

gellaho

What a strange sentence at the end of the page

FancyShark

I would have glassed Marty, but that's because I'm betrayal Irish

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

It's not a party until a guy who hits his girl gets mauled by a dog and beaten with a stout blackthorne.

Brendan

Mmmm, yes, I rather imagine that's what you doing the work for us were raised to believe. Quite, quite.

LIIIIPS

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

He's gonna sweep the leg!

Crane kick him, Mo!

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

HES LOOKING AT YOUR KNEES MAUREEN! HES GOING FOR THE TAKEDOWN!

gellaho

YOU'LL RUE THE DAY, MADAME

FancyShark

"I'm going to get so many rubber spiders!"

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Jeff follows him out to his car and beats his ass with a sock full of gravel.

gellaho

Ah, she's got Dragonard syndrome

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Party drama is just like Terminator 2.

FancyShark

Thanks for the backup, Marshall

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

Jerking for the jerk god

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

And to think all this happened with her dressed like Rapunzel.

gellaho

They stared at each other at least four times here

Brendan

Dinnertime. The bridge is yours, Mister Shark.

gellaho

There is a shitty little kid running around

I brought Tony, and Luigi, and Giuseppe

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

And just five minutes ago she was moping because Chris didnt show up.

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

That feels more Jurassic Park

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

And now hes brought a Tony.

Because of course he has a cousin Tony.

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

I heard the accent when he said it too

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Chris brought Tone?! Oh no!

This night ends with him in a car wreck being drowned in his own blood!

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

HEARD

gellaho

Oh, hey, Dennis Miller

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

,beb

FancyShark

Enough of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf. Time for Goodfellas High

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

g a n g

g a n g

gellaho

You aren't prepared for what Tony is going to do

You couldn't possibly imagine

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"You know, like in that Broadway musical?"

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

Frosted flakes?

FancyShark

Please say he plays guitar

Ukelele

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Mandolin solo!

He brought spaghetti!

gellaho

10,000 guesses and you would not get it

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

Theremin?

FancyShark

Shadow puppets?

Charades?

gellaho

Way off

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

No.

This book.

He's gonna beatbox

FancyShark

Holy. Shit.

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Hahahahah cool.

Tony is a nutcase.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Jesus, this creep discard and draw strat kind of sucks.

gellaho

Ey, wassamatta, I was just killin' you, eh!

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

Marshall has already disemboweled Tony

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Also my guy, you are talking awful bit when a Sheperds head is just about dick height.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Oh my god he even calls him Tone.

Beyond parody.

gellaho

You are an idiot, Maureen

FancyShark

Yes, explain the nuance of "I was pretending to strangle your charge" to the POLICE DOG

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

Seriously, Marshall is just neck deep in Tony's abdomen like a hyena in a gazelle at this point

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"Oh uh.......he only responds to commands in German so I dont know how to get him to calm down. Guess he's gonna eat your dick tonight."

FancyShark

"Oh darn"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Maureen you are way too chill for someone who just got suddenly strangled.

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

"Chopper, SIC BALLS!"

gellaho

Went a little beyond touching, Maureen

gellaho

And didn't you just kick someone out for hitting your friend?

Dude just strangled you

FancyShark

Maureen, if you let Marshall do what he intended to do, your party would be legendary for decades

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Maureen I am so much more on the dogs side right now.

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Achtung! Evisceraten sie testikallen! Schnell! Schnell!!

gellaho

The immaculate choice to have Maureen throw somebody out for hitting her friend, to immediately let some dude hang around after strangler her

It's just the epitome of stupidity

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

This book is going to give us all whiplash

FancyShark

Kathryn is a savant of terrible decisions

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

It's just the Italian Hello in action.

Talks with his hands, you see?

gellaho

She's more concerned about the "my girl" crack than the strangulation

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Technically he's Tony's consigliere

FancyShark

New theory: Kathryn knows we're reading these books in the year 2023 and she's pissing us off on purpose

gellaho

Maureen is straight up looking to die

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Imagine being the kind of dipshit who sees a dog and is like "I wonder if I can get it to bite my femurs in half?" instead of "Can I pet it?"

FancyShark

Tony is why there are warning labels on plastic bags

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Also Chris............does that imply that this was Tonys way of flirting?!

gellaho

And she's his goomar

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Do you know your cousin casually strangles women hes just meeting?

FancyShark

jesus, no wonder you have to worry about feeling safe, Chris

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

This seems like the wrong kind of party to take your chokey cousin to.

gellaho

Please ignore that he strangled you

gellaho

Just to see how a dog would react

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

Tony literally just beat up a girl for kicks

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Tony was literally beating up on a girl for kicks.

FancyShark

I know this is going to go like all of her other books, but if the gruesome murders could please start, it'd be greatly appreciated

gellaho

Maureen: dumbass supreme

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

Jinx motherfucker

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

GIF

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

I might need help interpreting the ice cream reacc

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Scooped

Basically the same as a jinx

FancyShark

Yeah. We use scooped when two people pull off the same joke at the same time. Happens even more during meat parties

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Maureen, if he acts like a character from West Side Story Id be more worried he was gay and youd be destined to break up when he runs away with Raul, the barber.

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR MY PARTY CHRIS, AND MY PARTY SUCKS ASS

gellaho

"Could you not say such weird shit about my brother"

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

Don't talk to him about shoes Maureen, he gets excited

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Chris you are a bad Italian boy, you put your shoes on someones table? Your mother would turn over in her grave.

FancyShark

That means he's edgey

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Disrespectful more like. His mother would be so sad.

FancyShark

With his rebel sweatpants and his mold-induced lung disease

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

It's okay he walked through Mama's basil garden first

Kevin is going to respect girls instead of ignore them

gellaho

"We didn't start the fire" is very romantic

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

I feel in my bones, Chris grew up with the plastic wrap still on the couch so it wouldnt get messy and never using the good plates.

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

Because he's growing as a person, CHRIS

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"She had a knife for one thing."

FancyShark

"I should clarify. I had a daughter in New York. Wanna make out?"

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

"A good one, too. Pearl handled switchblade her daddy got her for her christening."

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

"Her vagina was like a leather jacket, Maureen."

gellaho

Where's that bottle so I can spray Maureen

FancyShark

GIF

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

Maureen, you don't even like your own party.

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

gellaho

Pick a genre, Kathryn

FancyShark

Raising again the question WHY HAVEN'T YOU BROKEN UP WITH GARY

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

I mean, Chris left

Not Chris. Marty

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

She wouldn't think about Gary anymore.

Oh god, why won't Gary love me, she thought.

gellaho

She loved the way they were taking advantage of her emotional vulnerability

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

And there's no WAY Marty didn't have two dipshit buddies he dragged out with him

FancyShark

"Bringing her cups of punch" is a bit dark, given what happened to her

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

On a couple levels.

gellaho

"Drink responsibly, 17 year olds," says Kathryn

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

Maybe let's let Maureen keep custody of her own drinks boys

Diane I mean. Fuck

FancyShark

It's fine. It's just rubbing alcohol.

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

Fuck these people, why should I learn their names

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Maureen, you kind of suck if anyone leaves this party sober.

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

I'm calling them all Dave from here on out

FancyShark

Now you're getting it

gellaho

Kevin is missing, but all Maureen wants to do is make out with the boy whose cousin choked her

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Of course Kevin is missing.

mercenary_sysadmin 🖤

Dave, you do NOT want to get in the same room with Dave and Dave

FancyShark

It probably would take not dressing like Rapunzel

Sex Bologna Flippant Sausage

Whos gonna sit in their room that DOESNT EVEN HAVE A SUPER NINTENDO, KEVIN, on Halloween?

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

No, not Kevin!!

gellaho

The bad boys of technical school

Badger, Gun-Tutting Cardinal

(who was kevin again?)

FancyShark

He better be a hollowed out skinsuit when they find him because this book really needs some stakes