The Book Cage: Episode 99 - Kent Montana and the Really Ugly Thing From Mars
You're enduring the Year of Pain. We are nearly at Episode 100 of The Book Cage. But to get to Heaven, you must first go through Hell. And Hell is pulp comedy. In this case, we have a book that gave me a headache is less than 8 pages. Join me, this Friday for Inanity and Insanity (alternate title for The Book Cage) provided by Lionel Fenn, book hack.
gellaho
SocratesSays
God I used to live for bad satire novels.
Jerkfoot Javo
this is a hate crime
FancyShark
The book's premise sounds silly-but-fun. The character bio part and the title suggest this is going to struggle with the idea of comedy
gellaho
Coming up on the top of the hour, it's Kent Montana and the Really Ugly Thing From Mars. Here is the preview. In summary: it.
FancyShark
I'm sure IT won't get annoying being formatted that way the entire book
hoo boy, this one's going to hurt, isn't IT
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Hahaha IT's like if someone wrote a novel the way they imagine Marvel movies are scripted and then said "that's what you sound like, you stupid dicks"
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Remember to do your eye warmups beforehand, eyestrain from rolling your eyes too hard is a serous injury.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
Kent Montana? jesus they're barely even trying huh
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
He invented the Big Montana, the now defunct sandwich from Arby's.
FancyShark
@gellaho , what year was this published? I'm trying to tell if "Kent Montana" being descended from Scottish nobility is a tortured play on Sean Connery being Indiana Jones' dad in The Last Crusade
gellaho
1990
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Plausible
FancyShark
Yep, that tracks then
Last Crusade was 1989
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Hahaha he didn't even wait for the celluloid to finish decaying
I already hate this more than any other book we've done.
gellaho
Do you want to play a game?
FancyShark
Looks like the editor was more of a suggestion for this book
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
the author thinks himself a comedian
we're so fucked
gellaho
Welcome to the first sentence
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
More of a victim than anything
Oh FUCK me.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Oh fuck you, book, its too late to have literary pretension by calling your characters "the players"
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
FIRST SENTENCE?!
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
periods are for women badger
FancyShark
This book would rule with one simple change
dr
ahahahaha holy shit
FancyShark
Written by Garth Marenghi
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
That's what happens when you take your first creative writing workshop and they put a lot of emphasis on hooking them from your first sentence.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Oh god its like someone was trying to parody Buckaroo Banzai.
FancyShark
Hi, @dr !
Hi, @Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺 !
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Hey Fancy!
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"Lionel, when we said "hook" the readers we didnt mean every time they read something its like being stabbed with fishhooks."
gellaho
Have two more sentences
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I found out where Ben Shapiro got all the commas he uses in his books from.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
We are on sentence fucking three.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
oh jesus don't tell me our main character is a writer
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Is this some kind of Dr Seuss-style challenge?
"as few sentences as possible"
FancyShark
This is what happens when someone has a manifesto in their brain but it won't come out
gellaho
✅ Redhead
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
I flipped off the screen at squared jaw
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Finally, this manuscript has heroes
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Noel Cowards angry ghost shot out of its grave and went on a quest for vengeance.
Some authors never got the note heads should not be cuboids, Picasso notwithstanding.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
This motherfucker is a tooth.
gellaho
His perhaps decision to listen to people fuck
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
god it's like someone gave Max Landis a thesaurus
FancyShark
Hopes for a clue that perhaps decision
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
If this entire book ends on the line "Hi, I'm Todd Macfarlane, creator of Spawn" it will genuinely all have been worth it.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
, perchance
FancyShark
He managed to sneak a stock sound effect into his novel
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Is the railing going to give away and then he'll splatter to the pavement below?
With a Wilhelm scream, of course
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
"One or two slaps of flesh against slick flesh"
Purest poesy
gellaho
A soap opera artiste
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
This isnt even the worst start to an isekai but its getting there.
FancyShark
Two-pump Chump, his best friend and upstairs neighbor
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
*pussy
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Ffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuck me, use a fucking quotation mark.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
hey fuck formatting am I right?
let's just not use italics or parentheses or anything to make this little thought bubble read as confusing as possible
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"FORMATTING IS FOR CUUUUUUCKS!"- Lionel Fenn, 1990.
gellaho
Well, so far it's just been annoying. Time for it to become nonsensical
GDC
This sounds like mad libs
gellaho
He considered the star, ignored it then addressed the moon
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
This motherfucker is Daredevil.
FancyShark
The moon responded "Fuck you"
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
what
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Naked beneath a bathrobe = not fucking naked, Fenn.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
"naked beneath a bathrobe" I'm naked beneath my clothes too I guess
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I hope that moving star is a meteor and it punches a speed hole thru his head.
gellaho
Sudden cat, sure why not
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
what the fuck are we doing
or rather, what the fuck is actually happening
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Suffering.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
he's staring out his apartment balcony listening to people fuck to shitty beethoven salsa music and talking to the moon and a cat
FancyShark
Salsa turning to reggae means the neighbor has a shitty mix tape
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Also making art, which we are suffering for.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Oh my god they're fucking to Steven Seagal's reggae album.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
be honest, how many pages in are we
gellaho
You know, 10pm August 5th? That time of year everyone has an association with
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Steven Seagal singing about poonanny down there while that couple just fucks like two tigers in a vat of seed oil.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
oh I get it, lionel thinks he's fucking Douglas Adams
this is his Arthur getting evicted scene
bathrobe and all
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Douglas Adams angry ghost rockets out of its grave on a quest for vengeance.
gellaho
He is semidisinterested in the dismemberment
GDC
Nothing is more insufferable than a writer too full of himself trying to write like Douglas Adams and/or Terry Pratchett.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Yeah now that ferroday's pointed it out this whole opener is like, aggressively stolen
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"When your downstairs neighbor solves the Lament Configuration" by Lionel Fenn.
gellaho
You know, words don't need to mean anything. Your satellite can suddenly be an electronic baseball
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Hahaha this stupid dick thinks he's smart enough to reference Sputnik without sounding like an asshat.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
at this point the book would be more interesting if our PoV character jumped off the fucking balcony, at least I wouldn't expect it
dr
Hey this is exactly how I write when I'm six drinks in. Commas everywhere.
FancyShark
The best way to introduce your hero is to have him do boring things while pretending to be sophisticated in his New Jersey apartment
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
He got some of his commas left over from scrimping on the first couple passages.
GDC
This is going to be my comments by the end of this.
gellaho
I don't know if you've caught this, but things aren't going well for Kent
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
you can tell a brit wrote this, no american would ever willingly go to Majorca
FancyShark
That's not how deportation works
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Ohhhh noooo, he will have to go home to his estate and winery.
gellaho
America has a lot of control over the Bastille, I don't know what you are talking about
Becalmed
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
if the point was to make your main character sound like an insufferable prick mission accomplished
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
We brought it over from France, got a sweet deal on it from Napoleon.
I fuckin hate this guy.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Yeah no this is painful
gellaho
Reggae became Glenn Miller
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
"oh woe is me I'm rich as fuck but I'm not a successful american screenwriter"
FancyShark
This makes sense if he's supposed to be a British comedic character. The kind that is supposed to maintain an air of dignity even as everything goes to hell around him.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
congrats on reggae's transition?
FancyShark
That said, not even Matt Berry could make this character pop
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
For a second I was like "Glenn Miller? The fat right wing guy who sells gold and looks like an underbaked baby?"
And then I remembered that was Glenn Beck.
gellaho
That would be silly
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
ourple
FancyShark
This is, tonally, the wrong character to have in a wacky sci-fi adventure. Which might be the point
gellaho
Not being subjected to jazz would refresh my love for life, too
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
It's just a really bad point
Brendan
I know Cowards who use subtext but they're all writers.
FancyShark
Hi, @Brendan !
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I really have got to stop confusing Glenn Miller with Glenn Beck.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
It's all about the jazz you don't hear
gellaho
You know, a little pornography for the hootenanny
Brendan
Steven Seagal breaking the man's arm while he's unprepared for combat to prove Steven is the alpha dawg, then forcing himself on the woman.
FancyShark
So she was watching porn with a Glenn Miller soundtrack
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
He's here to snatch every muthafucka punani.
Brendan
No American could knowingly locate Majorca.
gellaho
What a wacky character. So crazy
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
ah yes, I frequently put on some porn when I'm entertaining guests
Brendan
Hi, you perfect shark.
GDC
Oh good, his annoying pixie dream girl
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
What do you mean, he's in the mask the Skull Kid is wearing
dr
I'm mostly just annoyed by hyphenating lifestyle
GDC
Chita Juarel is the Bobson Dugnutt of white guys coming up with latin names.
gellaho
Purple prose
FancyShark
Calling it now: she's going to be the muscle of the group
Brendan
All I know is this woman can see up his robe, where he is naked.
FancyShark
Purple means it's Rare but not Legendary
GDC
A plane can have a purple light it it wants
Brendan
I already know which Suicide Girl she goes on to be.
gellaho
"Do you think she would step on me?" - Lionel Fenn
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
is this where we discover lionel fenn is Bendis's old pen name?
Brendan
Not enough realistic asides.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Genuine question: what page are we on
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
just the right amount of pointless, circuitous casual dialogue though
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
I need to know how carefully I need to ration my hate
FancyShark
There's no way we've cracked ten
gellaho
We are on the page that gave me a headache
FancyShark
oooooooof
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
I think that was 8?
dr
Depends how many single word back and forth conversations we've been spared
gellaho
Porn party for one
GDC
Those aren't as fun as they sound.
FancyShark
FYI, wearing a party hat while looking at porn does not make it a porn party
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
she put some porn on he can hear from his balcony and now she's inviting him to her apartment where they're alone
wow, can't imagine what the motivation is
FancyShark
Yeah, she clearly wants to kill him
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
we can only aspire
gellaho
Kent Montana fails the ice bucket challenge
gellaho
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Chekov's bucket!!
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
I have never rooted this hard for an ice bucket and the laws of physics before
FancyShark
And since earthquakes don't happen on the east coast, the building they're in is not built to handle the shocks and it collapses and they all die the end
gellaho
Character names are hard
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
It's incredible to think that if this really were the end of the book I would be just as annoyed by these eight pages as by a full length bad novel.
LyraV
Gander pond pfffff 🤣
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
When life is going at your ass, learn to enjoy being pegged.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
looked up the author, apparently Lionel Fenn is one of like a dozen pen names for a guy named Charles L. Grant
FancyShark
Request for all of the authors here: please make a character named Place Holder and make them the most important support character in your story
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
The sad part is that we all have to fucking hear about it.
FancyShark
Hi, @LyraV !
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Or name him something like Hiro Protagonist
gellaho
But, you see, Lionel did it on purpose. Because you know how people make fun of John Smiths, right?
gellaho
Right?
You know, that thing
LyraV
Hello! I couldn't resist checking in on the fortress of three butt cheeks.
Brendan
Well it's been about five long songs on Kent's radio watching planes, so...
gellaho
The thing were you look down on John Smiths?
Everyone knows it
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
So change your fucking name, guy. This shouldn't even be a problem
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Just tell people your name is Jack.
gellaho
Because of the association with Pocahontas
In 1990
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
where's the picture of that reality show host whose thoughts are sounds of a potato rotating
FancyShark
That...what?
gellaho
Five years before the cartoon came out
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
that's who I picture is John Smith
Brendan
Getting goosed by the Gander, eh?
FancyShark
Has this author never been to an English-speaking country?
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Change your name to something more appealing like Jack Hoff
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
apparently he's from Newark, NJ
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Lance Thrustlaser at least.
FancyShark
So no, then
Brendan
I think I've met like one John Smith in my life.
So no, then.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
hey, one of this guy's other pen names is Simon Lake, didn't we do a Simon Lake book?
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
That's two more than I've met
gellaho
Listen, he can't bring himself to. Because, uh, reasons
Brendan
In Newark they speak a peculiar dialect of Methhead.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
"Listen, his dad was really big, okay?"
FancyShark
John Smith: Suicidal Whiner. COMEDY!
LyraV
Performances of Maternal Martyrdom is a dope band name.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
That's going to be my new excuse for everything.
Sorry I'm late, my dad was really big.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
Critical reception
Stephen King expressed admiration for Grant's work, stating that Grant was "One of the premier horror writers of his or any generation". This quote was usually placed on the front of Grant's books.[8] Discussing Grant's fiction, Jess Nevins said that "Grant excelled at building foreboding atmosphere and mounting dramatic tension, at characterization and pacing."
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
John you could at least adopt an alias or something.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
I didn't get that thing done one time, my dad was really big.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Or just ask people to call you Johnny.
Brendan
Sure has a Catholic mother for a guy with such a WASPy name.
Brendan
Yeah but for the time period,Coke King read it in one hour so it didn't drag.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Oh well there's your problem. Grant's usual bag is horror. Bitch can't do comedy to save his life.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
this author thought Kent Montana was a convincing alias for a Scottish immigrant
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
And that John Smith wasn't.
gellaho
Succulent garbage
Brendan
"Och aye here come tha lad oo e's a numpty down the stair, I'd cut 'is throoot an' he's me own bairn"
Sorry, Scotland! That's what you sound like!*
*in my head
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
who does drive by dumpster diving
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
It's always fun to imagine grown men scuttling.
Brendan
**in the 1950s
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
Thatcher would be proud
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
"That's what you sound like, you stupid assholes!"
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
John scuttles on all fours like a cockroach.
Brendan
I don't have to please them. They ruined Scotland..
gellaho
You know all those pure American last names
GDC
I'm picturing scuttling like
GIF
Brendan
Now ask me what Americans sound like
gellaho
This is like written from a different universe
Brendan
Howdy, you all! I'm Johnny Noo Yawk, and I'm like, totally down for a POP drink!
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
I'm sorry, I listened to BtB part two on Scott Adams today so I jumped right into this part like "oh this sounds familiar"
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"It'sa me! Tony Americano! I likea da hamboiga!"
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
this is a horror comedy written from the G.I. Joe universe where Kent Montana is blase
FancyShark
Pure American names like James TheReservationIsOverThereChief
I'm going to hell for that one
Brendan
Dude's lamenting his mom finds him unimpressive WHILE spurning a hot-to-trot logger bartender downstairs.
gellaho
Don't they all have the same last name? What the fuck is happening
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Ezekiel Thatwaterfountainisforyou
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
that was Kent, this is John, I think
Brendan
We're gonna have to reference that episode twice a week every week.
Kent isn't John?
I thought that was his secret name.
Lucifer St. Evil, a pleasure to make your acquaintance.
gellaho
No, we are being introduced to the players
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Oh man. This book is taking us to some dark fucking places.
GDC
The only thing more insufferable would be calling it dramatis personae.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
His brother isnt shorter than his dad and changed his name to Lance Babcock.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
the idea is clearly to make him sound really down on his luck but instead makes him sound like America's Most Epic Fuck-up
gellaho
I genuinely want you to try and figure out what is a bitch
FancyShark
Lamenting that your name is John Smith is First World Problems, A Template
gellaho
What does it refer to in that sentence
Brendan
The basement?
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
life, I'm pretty sure
GDC
I mean, what option a guy with a name like that have other than woods hermit?
FancyShark
The writing?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Cool, great job Lionel, I had this guy almost as much as the last one.
gellaho
Tolerant of its bums
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
what kinda raccoons they breeding in Jersey?!
FancyShark
He lost an entire arm?!
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
You........got run off by a raccoon?!
FancyShark
Is he made out of bread?!
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
And who is scared of bobcats?!
gellaho
Nutting over nuts
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
also let's all remember he apparently still owns a car, he mentioned driving into an alley to dumpster dive
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
GIF
GDC
Pictured: Vicious John Smith predators.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
GIF
Terrifying.
LyraV
They are about to rip the arm holding that phone right off.
gellaho
Citrus superiority
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Also John isnt homeless, he has a little cottage in Gander Pond, hes just living that freegan lifestyle.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
Lionel Fenn "write a likable character" challenge, difficulty: impossible
gellaho
Hey, guess what?
FancyShark
All of this because he has the default white guy name
GDC
This guy is described like a cartoon hobo
Where's his bindle?
gellaho
Officer Cartoon at your service
FancyShark
Finally, someone with dignity
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
GIF
I think John just has a real problem with animals and should go back to Long Island.
He can be angry at seagulls and pigeons and shit.
FancyShark
The pigeons will take his kidneys
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
He doesnt need them, his blood supply is 70 percent piss anyway.
gellaho
Comedy is hard
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"Oh im not arresting you. Im going to set the car on fire and tell everyone you did it."
FancyShark
Abbott and Costello as written by a used napkin
gellaho
Onto the next player, Italiana Pizzapie
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
Lionel Fenn "write dialog people would actually say" challenge, difficulty: impossible
GDC
What's this guy got against Italians?
FancyShark
Credit where due, few people would call a woman's mustache "seductive"
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
It's because Sophie Pizza runs the local spaghet' joint and the money is good.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
Ah yes that famously Italian last name Chong
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
It's an Italian thing.
gellaho
Enjoy your sweet and sour fettuccine
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Okay but this does sound like a sweet restaurant.
GDC
I hope it's a mural of Bruce Lee fighting Genghis Khan
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
Too cool for this book
GDC
That nephew should be painting vans.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Rad decor, and you can get honey walnut chicken and pizza in the same place.
gellaho
Magical woks, amorous gonads
Brendan
We smell like garlic.
Now ask me about my Scottish heritage OCH AYE
FancyShark
hahaha, the amorous Italian. What fun stereotypes are!
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Im on Arthurs side here, hot Italian wife, happy life.
Brendan
...munificent like money?
GDC
What he's getting at is, Arthur nuts in the food
gellaho
So random, amirite
Brendan
Well I'll be. Munificent is an appropriate adjective.
gellaho
He's Chinese, excuse you. And dressed like a priest for no reason
GDC
Some kind of pirate-priest?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Arthur rules, he's like three different characters in a Hong Kong movie.
Brendan
Artie Chong: Philandering Chef
Are we sure the monster in this book isn't from our universe?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
He has a pump action shotgun and two SMGs under the cash register.
gellaho
Incomprehensible
FancyShark
"To keep the flies down"
Brendan
It's nice that they're keeping the fires lit.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
A man can't stir fry with full balls, Sophie.
FancyShark
I hope they do this in full view of the customers. At full volume.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
You'll burn them in the oil.
GDC
Wish.com gomez addams
gellaho
Just utter madness
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Ewww Sordette. Thats how you get a yeast infection.
FancyShark
"I guess he really fucks anything that moves. Damn my Moorish blood!"
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Who hasnt fed a polticians wife with their toes?
gellaho
"Fuck you for giving me a house, dad!"
Brendan
He hurts me with his wandering kink, but alas, I am a stereotype.
GDC
Sordette Biletto is an even more Bobson Dugnutt name than the last one.
FancyShark
You're not going to get a decent return on the house if you salt the ground
Brendan
Look, we're clearly playing by the rules of this book's universe. I've written like this, I'm unable to judge and condemn.
gellaho
✅ Redhead
✅ Redhead
✅ Redhead
Brendan
Yeah but how are the mayor's wife's feet
Like, would you eat water chestnuts out of them?
FancyShark
Janis panics every time tax brackets are mentioned
GDC
Oh good, now some cartoon rich people to go with the cartoon cop and cartoon hobo
Brendan
James + Eunice = Janis
gellaho
Infidelity is hilarious, especially with no second thing
gellaho
Brendan
Look, the '80s weren't a period of subtle art.
FancyShark
This was 1990
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Somewhere within the purple flash Dolemite is screaming "WHERE'S CAVALETTI KEEPIN' MY GIRLS"
GDC
They thought of calling herJeunice but realized she wouldn't be allowed into any country clubs.
gellaho
I'm sure this next player will have a nice, normal name
Shit
Brendan
All that means is the rain jackets were day-glo yellow nylon sliding into teal.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
1990 is just 1989 2: Electric Boogaloo
FancyShark
Oh good. A prostitute. I'm sure the book will give her some self-respect
gellaho
No, not prostitute
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Fucking--
If you wanted to name her Cassiopeia, you could have at least let her go by Cassie to keep it simple. The fuck is a Casopia?
FancyShark
Even better!
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Isn't it that thing in the middle of most car consoles from the 90s?
gellaho
Gumpers: Fuck Monster
GDC
No I think it's one of those little electronic keyboards.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Oh shes a hillbilly with class but her parents dont have the citified ways to spell proper.
gellaho
She's just too good at fuckin!
Brendan
You're thinking of 1984. 1990 gave us Breakin' 3: Electric Reconstruction.
Today's book is a real callback to today's article.
gellaho
And also one of her husbands disappeared, which is a joke?
Question mark?
FancyShark
Sure?
I guess unsolved disappearances are funny
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Probly died of fuck exhaustion
GDC
She was so good at fucking he died
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
in the woods or maybe the ocean.
Brendan
I like the implication that she's some kind of Fuck Hulk that gets smarter the more sexually serviced she gets.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
its real common.
Brendan
Like in Species.
Fucked the brains right into her head.
gellaho
Lionel Fenn hasn't just never spoken with another human being, I'm not convinced he's ever even observed another human being
FancyShark
So we need to look out for the Alfred Molina character
He has, from the back of a bus or from a nearby shrub
Brendan
Let him die happy.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Sooooo shes.......upset because....... Nobody is using her holes right now?
gellaho
An honest-to-God "I need a vacation"
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Men really had no conception of womens' thoughts until like, five years ago, huh
GDC
Does she usually conduct her transactions in complete silence?
gellaho
To be fair, he also doesn't understand men
FancyShark
I'm starting to think Lionel is just rerolling characters until he finds one worth following
gellaho
You know how nuns wear plaid
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
the Traveler gambit
If his name wasn't on the cover Kent would definitely be the character that fucking died in the middle of character creation
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Give the sister a chance, Cassie. Nuns love to fuck.
FancyShark
Kneel before Vorth
Brendan
Kent's real name cannot possibly raise an eyebrow in this world.
gellaho
Ah, the unsalted peanut seduction. A classic technique
gellaho
No, only wacky names like John Smith
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
A wise man once sang "only the good die young"
Brendan
Prostitutes don't kiss because it's too intimate and also their breath smells like stale peanuts.
gellaho
Beatific
gellaho
But the scent of a Bloody Mary is so arousing! Tomato juice? Sexy
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Thats how a nun tells you she is DTF
FancyShark
That means she wants any spare change you have
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
this is the most awkward lesbian pick-up line
GDC
"set you back onto the path of awakening" is a euphemism
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
she'll suck them up her holes and shoot them back out in any denomination you desire!
Brendan
TBH a Bloody Mary in the evening sounds like guaranteed reflux so same joke but more.
gellaho
Just madness
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
...torso-swing?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
The old Seattle.Heartburn, tomato juice and cum reflux
FancyShark
Sister Lillian appears to be batshit insane
gellaho
Might as well add some more weirdo religious characters. Don't have enough yet
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
jesus christ we're still introducing characters
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
I don't blame the nun for laughing tbh. If it looked like the fucking rapture was happening outside and I had to deal with the passive aggro draw of being Catholic for my whole life I'd be a little smug, too.
FancyShark
Lionel, at some point, you need to have a narrative for the characters to do things in
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Fuuuuüuuuck.
gellaho
And they're done
gellaho
Next
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
oh my god this is going to be a two part Caging isn't it.
if we're lucky.
gellaho
Hey, Ben
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
oh my god a real fucking name that isn't some weird joke about how boring it is
FancyShark
Too Many Cooks didn't have this many characters!
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Its just a little porny, but not too much.
gellaho
Krutch
Brendan
This book doesn't need two mediterranean beauties OR two religious wingnuts.
The only way it differentiates them is by their moustaches.
FancyShark
This is Cocktails, but dumber
Waaaaaaay dumber
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
if the rest of this novel was just introducing characters while the actual narrative was background noise I would almost have some respect for this author
gellaho
Well, at least he's likable
Brendan
Not by the end, no.
GDC
Do people not keep their savings in banks in this universe?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Oh thank god Benny is just a burglar.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
if we get done with introducing characters and the next chapter is titled "Cocktails" this will have been the greatest set-up to punchline in hotdog history
gellaho
This is a very long paragraph. Especially when it doesn't explain her wealth at all
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Tho maybe not a good one if hes doing b&es in backwoods new Jersey
FancyShark
He's putting a lot of faith in someone not spending money meaning they have money to spend
gellaho
I hope you are in the mood for wacky hijinks
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Yeah i think ol Mary Lou might just be poor.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
and that they'd keep said money in their house as oppposed to say, a bank
FancyShark
Okay, Mary Lou fucking rules
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
why the fuck is this book not about Mary Lou
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
"Krutch is my husband's name, my maiden name is Rambo"
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Its 1990 and women werent allowed to be main characters and rad without special permits.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
it's kind of impressive, in its own way, that Mary Lou has had less than a paragraph of introduction and yet has stolen all our hearts
gellaho
The classic, "Are you a stud" interrogation
gellaho
FancyShark
uh oh
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
goddamn you Fenn don't you ruin this character for me
we had one
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
My guy its that time. You have to fuck like your life depends on it.
its easier than youd think with a live grenade in your ass.
gellaho
Continuing that bit
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
the ticking clock element makes it more erotic
gellaho
"Do you think she'd step on me?" - Lionel Fenn
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
oh lord, and she's a misanthrope too. it's like she was made for this discord.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
just if you hear the ping before you nut you need to run.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
yeah, save Mary Lou by running the grenade away
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
it's the 90s so I'm picturing Sigourney Weaver
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
its the gentlemanly thing to do.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Lucy Lawless is also a fine.choice even if its a bit early for Xena.
FancyShark
Linda Hamilton works too
gellaho
Lionel Fenn decides to give up on that and take a ninety degree turn
Brendan
Benny the Gigolo and Casopia are going to fall in love and elopia
FancyShark
Aaaaaand MaryLou lost me
Brendan
Mark this, the last time a Republican accused a billionaire of hoarding wealth to the detriment of society.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
with the idea of "communist cat burglar", Fenn invents the ideal career path of most millennials and zoomers well ahead of his time
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Aw hell yeah Mary Lou is a comrade if not all that bright.
gellaho
Oh, wait, Lionel Fenn decides to give up and go back
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
hahaha fuck yeah Mary Lou, style on this punk bitch
FancyShark
Nevermind, she won me back
gellaho
Shut up and die right
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Beating his ass to the tune of Solidarity Forever.
FancyShark
Quit playing with my heart, book
gellaho
And now, you have met The players
FancyShark
Sure, IT might as well talk like a stereotype
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
holy shit. The Mexican Revolution was run by aliens this whole time!!!
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
jesus even with context this barely makes any sense
gellaho
Anyway, Chapter 2
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
that's not problematic and racist at all!!
AUGH
CHAPTER TWO
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Cool. iT kearned English from watching John Wayne movies.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
WE'RE ONLY ON CHAPTER TWO
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
what self-respecting scot would belly-ache this much
FancyShark
Chita works in some hardcore bars
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Hot take, Scotland is overrated, its just Bumpy England.
dr
I LEFT FOR LIKE 90 FUCKING MINUTES WHAT THE HELL
gellaho
The unmistakable black fur of an unmasked raccoon
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
you missed our fucking Game of Thrones-sized cast being introduced
gellaho
Purple
FancyShark
🟪
Great dialogue transcends the bonds of time
gellaho
Have a list
GDC
oh no, his stuff!
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
all I got out of this is that this dude has the tackiest fucking apartment even by 90s standards
FancyShark
Who hasn't wanted a double-elephant jade lamp?
GDC
What is a double elephant lamp? Does it have 4 tusks?
Is it made from 4 tusks?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Double barrelled dick.
FancyShark
I think it's two full-sized elephants, encased in jade, with a dimmer switch
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Well at least they stopped talking about purple, and where it is and its potential purplosity.
Brendan
Damn, all of his expensive electronic equipment that's about to be replaced by flat, compact, and portable versions...gone.
GDC
I just realized all the alien purple stuff is stolen from the first level of bart vs. the space mutants for the NES.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"NOOOO MY WALKMAN!"
gellaho
Lionel now revealing that he's into teeth
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"MY PRECIOUS TRAPPER KEEPER WITH LISA FRANK STICKERS!"
dr
I'd wager I won't be sad if this entire cast dies
gellaho
She talks into his mouth
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Damn Kent's dick must dispense chocolate or something because this woman is HORNT UP.
FancyShark
You might mourn MaryLou. She whips ass, although she's not the brightest
FancyShark
It's the Glenn Miller effect
gellaho
He considers punching her in the head
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
What kind of asshole from Scotland lives in New Jersey and wears cowboy boots?!
Brendan
Kent's a bit materialistic.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"Its your dick, I mean. I was talking about your dick."
gellaho
Photograph?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"I have seen many a dick, is what I was getting at."
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
how fucking big is this guy's apartment if he's got fifteen feet from floor to ceiling
FancyShark
Pics of King Tut doing a keg stand at spring break
Brendan
Socialization has lied to women about nobles not needing to be killed on sight.
GDC
Specifically this pic
Brendan
What even is a baron
FancyShark
I think it's the lobby
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I will forgive this book if it somehow turns into a novelization of Bubba Ho Tep.
gellaho
So wacky
Brendan
I get lords. Duchies and baronets? Now that's just silly.
Probably something the Scottish made up.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
this is the most English sounding scotsman I've ever seen
GDC
I hate everyone in this book
FancyShark
So Kent's entire schtick is "cluttered"
gellaho
"Do you like hearing about my belches, milady?"
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
How broke do you have to be when someones worthless custom car is your only option for a ride?
FancyShark
You can hear her drying up as he talks
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Oh no she loves a farty gentleman.
Shes gonna slip right out of that seatbelt and hurtle thru the windshield if he brakes too quick.
gellaho
They find it surprising that the government has some say on the explosion
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Oh thank god, the colonial marines have showed up to bail Mary Lou out from this shitshow
FancyShark
They moved fast
Brendan
YA author: She folded her arms
gellaho
Beev
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
I think I missed why they decided to go on a joyride at this time of night after a meteorite blew out their apartment building
Brendan
Adult author: She folded her arms beneath/across her breasts, pressing them together/flatter, in a way that Kent couldn't help but notice.
FancyShark
To...help?
Oh, okay. The alien talks in old TV show transmissions
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
wouldn't normal people like, go to a hospital or something? Kent was injured yeah?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Kent did it to avoid sex, Chita is coming because she likes being fucked by gassy men in the woods.
FancyShark
That's fucking stupid
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
And not the first time some asshole had that idea.
gellaho
"Hooker," he said shyly
Brendan
This is a screwball comedy masking as a Tom Robbins novel masking as a Stephen King story.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
it's only not stupid if the alien turns into a yellow camaro, then it's a multi-million dollar cash cow
gellaho
Wakka wakka
GDC
That costs extra, sister
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
NICK HOOKER! SHY PRIVATE EYE!
FancyShark
He'll crack any case! If that's okay!
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
I'm pretty sure by description this is John Smith using an alias
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Nicodemus Hooker is a pretty solid New England\northeast name too.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
unless ugly yellow shirts are all the rage
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Its the 90s. So yeah ugly shirts were king.
GDC
Probably had a bunch of saved by the bell scribbles on them
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
yellow shirt, white pants/shoes, lavender sports jacket? this man is dressed like a marshmallow peep
gellaho
The midst of a lifelong dream, said the nerd
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Zac Morris lookin motherfucker.
Brendan
My boy Parker Lewis disagrees
FancyShark
If this all leads up to a Flying Purple People Eater joke, I may become violent
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Okay is "lifelong dream" his way of saying "saving it for marriage?"
gellaho
I bet you love that he's still introducing characters
GDC
She's still trying to hustle even after a purple explosion, gotta respect that
No, we finished the character introducing chapter
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Cockthirst is abated by nothing.
FancyShark
Keep introducing characters. A new one every scene. Make it flow like a beat-em-up game
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Shed still fuck him if he was a religious nut, she just needs to know so she can prepare for the weird stuff.
gellaho
Trigonometric fuckin
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
When the fuck does OK USA guy show up
FancyShark
Sexily applying quantum physics
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
does this guy think Casopia is a realy name or did he just for get how to spell Cassiopeia
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"My dick is both a particle and a wave, baby."
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
damn I've never seen a guy achieve light speed in bed
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
My bet is he read some Discworld and shes a Magrat.
gellaho
On drive to the summit, Hooker hulks out
gellaho
GDC
He seems about that unoriginal
gellaho
Oh nuts
FancyShark
Oh shitnuts
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"Are you implying that this mysterious purple explosion is ALIENS?! THJAT MAKES NICK MAD! NICK SMAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH! BUT NOT SEXUALLY!"
hahahahahah Cassie got in the car with the UFO guy, they'll be lucky to find her skin.
gellaho
She is the horniest creature on Earth
GDC
Has anyone ever done a good bit about mistaking space aliens with illegal aliens, other than Aliens?
dr
Without quotes, "oh shit, she thought" reads as the narrator
FancyShark
Even Aliens didn't quite nail it
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Fuckin Tokyo Drifting down the New Jersy mountain roads and yelling about reptoids as she gets wetter and wetter.
gellaho
Sick roadblock, dudes!
FancyShark
FIRE!
DO IT!
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
SHOOT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SHOOT! HE HAS A WOMAN!
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
so are all our characters gonna hop into cars and land at the same roadblock that seemed to materialize about 3 nanoseconds after IT landed?
gellaho
And now for other horny characters
FancyShark
And then it'll be Chapter 3!
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
okay this guy has definitely read Discworld
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Horny Twoflower. Nice.
gellaho
That's a plan that doesn't make any fucking sense, but what else is new
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Never underestimate the fact that its always a good time for Chinese\Italian fusion.
FancyShark
You do know you can have people investigate because they're curious, right, Lionel? You don't have to map out every neuron spark required to make them get to that point.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
hey it's all noodles at some point right?
GDC
I thought that was word salad until i remembered new jersey is called the garden state for some reason
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Like no shit, if someone offered me a pizza with some kind of stir fried soy sauce chicken? I'd eat that shit up.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
reminds me of an 8th grade writing prompt on how we had to meticulously write out instructions for making a PB&J
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Stop giving CPR to the motherfuckers, stop digging thru the rubble. Its dinnertime.
gellaho
Do you like past tense verbs? Do you think a list of them is a joke? Then do I have a writer for you!
FancyShark
Someone had a page quota, it seems
GDC
This seems like Douglas Adams style wordplay, if he had a stroke
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Ohhhhhhhh right I almost forgot we had a Jim Bakker type.
gellaho
Another plan that makes no sense, sure
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Think about the aliens we can covert to the Gospel, Phil.
Aliens need Jesus so bad, Phil.
FancyShark
WE. GET. IT. LIONEL. They're all going to investigate the weird purple light. MOVE ON.
gellaho
IT
gellaho
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
this is someone's call of cthulhu campaign they hastily rewrote into a lawyer-friendly novel
FancyShark
Remember how one of the blurbs about this book was how Lionel "turns every trope on its head"? That was cute.
GDC
It reminds me of a stephen king book, I forget what it was called
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
This is the most boring Delta Green campaign book ever.
FancyShark
Tommyknockers?
gellaho
You have to hear about John first
gellaho
OK, done
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
I've seen SCP articles better written than this. And some of them didn't even use words.
gellaho
I bet you can't guess what Chapter 3 brings
More characters!
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Pain
FancyShark
NOOOO!
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
HE HASN'T EVEN KILLED ANY OF THE EXISTING CAST YET
FancyShark
Lionel, I'm begging you, have some kind of a story!
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
this man is singlehandedly making me root for climate change
bring on depopulation
also Master Sargent Wagoneer is not a name
gellaho
Just wanted to repeat this name
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
dude, when fucking Gundam has more realistic names for its characters you might wanna re-examine some shit
and that's a series with a villain named Full Frontal
gellaho
Just what you want in a military man
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
soldiers are famous for how little they are around dead bodies
FancyShark
He has PTSD from a game of Red Rover
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Hey uh............dude? Its 1990, this dude has never been anywhere near a body, its not even Desert Storm for a few weeks.
This guys only PSTD comes from jacking off in the bathrooms at Ft. Hood.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
with a face like Vincent DiNofrio the whole time
gellaho
Arthur found a cowboy I guess
gellaho
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
reminder that we're in New Jersey and not New Mexico
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Oh god please dont tell me the alien is a shapeshifter and is doing like a fuckin Lone Ranger and His Pet Asian thing.
Kung Fu and Green Hornet alone are going to give the space travellers such a wrong impression.
Oh fuck and then imagine when they pull into orbit and start accessing the internet.
gellaho
Hey, guess what?
They all leave
FancyShark
HAHAHA
Fuck you, Lionel
gellaho
So that was a great use of time, right?
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
3 chapters in we are still introducing characters and we're literally still in the middle of the inciting incident
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
So is this guy dead? I like to know if I need to wish for their death or for them to be cast into the Pit.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
competent writers would have killed at least one person by now if only to shake things up
died in 2006
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Thank fuck.
FancyShark
Good
We should be mocking a dead man
gellaho
Meanwhile, John encounters tentacles
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I hope when he got to the afterlife they showed him this and said "This is your legacy and why your afterlife will involve light torment."
"Not forever and it wont be that bad. But you wont have a good time either."
FancyShark
His punishment is to read his books
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
it's like someone read The Colour Out of Space but thought it needed like three times the characters and eleven times the """""comedy"""""
gellaho
I mean, someone is dead
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
And always have to pee but never actually pee.
gellaho
But you're not going to like it
FancyShark
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
FUCK
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GOD IS DEAD!
FancyShark
Fine. This means we're free now. There's nothing holding us back.
GDC
Well the slap test is foolproof.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Lionel you dead son of a bitch, I hope Noel Cowards ghost is eating your fuckin dick.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
MaryLou left the book before it got any worse
GDC
Why introduce the hard ass prepper only to kill her off?
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
so that our protagonist can find her money as a reward later
FancyShark
It's probably going to end with a standoff on her property and they need guns
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
by pure happenstance
GDC
Chekhov's gun nut.
gellaho
IT has magic powers
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
:BB: :OOO: :OO:
gellaho
The signal is horse
FancyShark
IT is really dragging ass on the whole "death and destruction" thing
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
IT can fucking instantly comprehend shit but talks like Yakima Canut's stunt double?!
FancyShark
Mr. Ed quoting motherfucker
gellaho
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
GIF
FancyShark
GIF
GDC
Okay that's a Douglas Adams joke attempt.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
this book isn't funny enough to have earned even the attempt
gellaho
Lionel really likes this Hooker bit
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Theres really nothing worse in a media thing than something trying and failing to be funny.
And fuck your goddam hooker jokes, Lionel.
If you are gonna disrespect sex workers then at least be funny.
gellaho
Mr Ex Player
FancyShark
It's true. We've said it before, but bad comedy is the worst. You can make dumb action, horror, any kind of drama fun even when it's bad. But bad comedy has nowhere to go
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
The Jallalabad Dicksuckers Union will hear of this, Lionel.
gellaho
Extra Player
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
Yule Brenner rises from his grave to seek out the descendents of Lionel Fenn
GDC
There's no good bad comedy.
GDC
Whoever called the Magrat thing wasn't far off.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Mamas, dont let your babies grow up to be DIPSHIT AUTHORS who write fucking cowboys into their alien shit in New Jersey.
FancyShark
You know the worst part?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Lionels mother should have drowned him and raised a litter of piglets instead.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
New Jersey is famous for its cowboys, in a way
FancyShark
There are four more Kent Montana books
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
you shut your goddamn mouth, don't bring that evil in here
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Why would you tell us something like that?!
gellaho
I hear you like bits
gellaho
gellaho
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
GIF
gellaho
gellaho
You can look forward to the invisible man book. I have it
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
3 chapters in and most of our cast has met and decided the alien crash landing was aliens
that's a fucking threat, gellaho
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I feel very attacked right now, by this book.
GDC
All these jokes require us to accept that normal humans assume 'illegal aliens' instead of space aliens when someone doesn't specify, which is madness and only ever accomplished successfully on Aliens.
FancyShark
Book 5 is Cthulhu
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I want to return to a simpler time, when Art and Sophie were having marital problems but getitng by.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
How many sentences is that?
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
9
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
GIF
gellaho
Bits on bits
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
why couldn't they have all met up for some other reason and had the meteor crash land on them
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Scots are just Bumpy English and you know it, Kent.
FancyShark
Alien vessel crashed in the woods, but sure, let's stand in awe of an out-of-work actor
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
you know this was written by a guy from Jersey because the Scot didn't immediately take a swing at the cowboy for assuming he was English
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I do like that the rural national guardsman or whatever is a fan of British soap operas.
Thats a decent joke in the hands of a competent writer, so of course Lionel blows it.
gellaho
Goodbye Extra Player, your stupid pun name foretold your demise
FancyShark
I'm okay with that death
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Sweet.
Yeah im on ITS side here.
gellaho
Hey, you guys kept asking for the plot, right?
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
of course we kill an extra first
not like we don't have 20 other fucking characters
gellaho
You've fallen directly into Lionel's trap
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I think we switched to asking for a swift death.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
FUCK OFF
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
hahahahahahah
FancyShark
Oh hell
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
GIF
FancyShark
The absolute balls on this guy
gellaho
Back to chapter one
GDC
I hate this author so much.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Jakes is far superior.
FancyShark
Jakes knew how to kick up the pace
GDC
Jakes could write a plot that moved faster than a glacier.
gellaho
The Spanish were more subtle when they named a Greek guy "El Greco"
Brendan
What happened after the hooker met the Hooker?
FancyShark
Mostly nothing, then the alien pulled off a literal extra's head
GDC
Milos Athnos is the Greek Bobson Dugnutt.
gellaho
Jesus H Christ
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I'd even take Mack, at least he gave us Rex Moran before he fucking ate shit.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
what the fuck it's chapter one again????
did Thunder open some kind of time warp?!
FancyShark
Chapter 1 of Part II
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
oh god Ironass.
gellaho
Words
FancyShark
Part 2 is called "The Plot"
because Lionel is a monster
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
you can tell lionel is far too pleased with himself with these fucking word games
FancyShark
Goddammit, now he's ripping off Joseph Heller
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Um.........something really bad or really good has to happen to skip Colonel tho.
gellaho
IT was pleased
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Also you have to bribe a thousand gerontocrats and annoint yourself in the blood of the Mole Children before the altar of Ba'al, Who Is Lord.
FancyShark
If this book gets actually rad, I will feel so conflicted
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I would be more pleased if we could get more head ripping.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
the cuts to the monster would be less jarring if I was punched in the face between paragraph breaks
gellaho
Meanwhile, Kent's red hair is turning... red?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Also if the alien doesnt become a ten foot tall hypermuscled clawed Ronald Reagan I will be even more disappointed.
FancyShark
That's a pretty specific ask
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
oh sure the Spanish is unintelligible but the Scot speaks "imaginative" English
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
You dont get what you dont ask for.
And its too much to ask the book be good.
GDC
Anglo-Saxon obscenities have a lot of characters I can't type on a phone.
gellaho
So, they get into a brawl
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
And Ronnie was on TV during the period the alien has absorbed so it seems like a reasonable connection.
FancyShark
@Brendan , I wasn't kidding. It was a lot of characters driving to the roadblock and then leaving. Then the alien pulled of the head of Mr Extra Player
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Fuck at some point Arthur is gonna try and stir fry that horse, huh? You just cant resist the stereotypes, Lionel.
FancyShark
"Her volatile Hispanic hysteria"
I'm glad you're dead, Lionel
GDC
We're not going to say anything about the volatile Hispanic hyster-fuck.
gellaho
Don't look now, but here's more incomprehensible comedy
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
how did this man star in 4 more books
FancyShark
There is a butler in The Tempest and he rules, Lionel
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Hes a fucking WIZARDS butler, Lionel.
gellaho
Full speed ahead into the abyss of madness
GDC
Anything but a wizard's butler would have been an anachronism.
FancyShark
His response to being a wizard's butler is to get shitfaced and wander around an island of certain death, Lionel
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
The Tempest is fuckin sweet.
dr
Hi are we on chapter three yet?
FancyShark
Sort of!
Brendan
Mary Lou died OFFSCREEN?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Sure did!
FancyShark
We're on Part 2, Chapter 1. "The Plot"
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Benny ddint even mourn her.
FancyShark
Fucking RIGHT?!
dr
Pretty ballsy to commit to having a plot after what I've seen so far
FancyShark
Lionel is so bad at this
gellaho
Do you get it? His name is hooker!
FancyShark
Bet he's happy he's not stuck with a horrible name like John Smith
gellaho
One of the inexplicable musicians inexplicably passes out
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
What?!
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
where the hell did this romance arc happen because it sure as shit wasn't on-screen
FancyShark
I guess they're in love because they didn't bang?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
All this because his downstairs neighbor brought a porno over.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
if I wrote something this garbage I'd use an alias too
probably doesn't bode well that Grant went through like 7 of them over his career
FancyShark
The assassins kept finding him
GDC
Mostly dodging angry publishers/loansharks
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Its fucked up that Grant is worse than the psychic bigfoot guy.
Like that dude can barely breathe unassisted and is a more entertaining read.
FancyShark
Psychic Bigfoot guy is a loon, but he's not a hack
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
He doesnt steal jokes either.
LIONEL.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
"gellaho is typing" will haunt my nightmares tonight
gellaho
IT has been attacking the preachers' limo. I've been skipping it, but here is how it ends
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
hahahahahah
FancyShark
wow
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
See its not so far fetched its gonna sprout a Ronald Reagan face and start quoting Little House on the Prarie now, huh?
Brendan
Giving IT laser vision seems extra.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Or a lazer nose.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
so the preacher shows up in a limo and gets iced immediately? real glad we had to waste a good chunk of like 3 whole chapters introducing him
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Or mouth.
FancyShark
Or fingers
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Or head butthole.
GDC
Just use the deadlights, IT.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Or ears.
FancyShark
Nostrils
gellaho
Meanwhile, Kent and Chita are arguing about helping people. Lionel forgot who was on which side of that argument earlier, so he accidentally switches them
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
you're an actor and whatever the writer landed on Chita's profession was, what the fuck are you gonna do
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"CHITA THINKS YOUR DICK IS WEIRD, SPACE MAN!"
FancyShark
Chita is so turned on right now
gellaho
Then he compares her to his dad
gellaho
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I call bullshit, the nuns have impeccable taste in pornography.
You just couldnt get them to share it with you, Kent.
FancyShark
Wouldn't it be hilarious if he fucked a nun? How about multiple?
What's that? It wouldn't?
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
oh god there was a named nun earlier and she's probably gonna show up again
Brendan
Remind me how they're trying to help again.
There's nobody here except armies and opportunists.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
By making the soldiers horny.
So they defend their country better.
Standard practice for USO shows since 1917.
You cant give the Kaiser what for with a softie, now can you?
gellaho
Lionel Fenn chooses actions haphazardly and quickly
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
what the fuck?
FancyShark
What the actual fuck
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Hahahahah I love that her problem is hes an aristo parasite and not that he didnt even ask her to marry him yet.
GDC
Someting something Hispanic hysteria?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Also "forking" job.
FancyShark
Did we skip, like, five chapters?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Her job? Making forks.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
do you think 5 more chapters of introducing characters and fuck-all happening would give you one iota of context?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
She works at the Fork Barn.
gellaho
This is resolved by him hitting her in the head with his chin
FancyShark
It'd be more than we've gotten!
gellaho
And it's in town now I guess
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
This is like if a Godzilla movie had zoomed in on some random dipshits who never........oh wait that is a literal movie.
FancyShark
We've somehow gone from inciting incident to climax without any of the story
gellaho
I like that you think this has a plot structure
GDC
A balrog of morgoth is come.
gellaho
Chapter 2 begins with Benny deciding to bury MaryLou
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
well, he did name this part in a way that would give us certain Expectations(tm)
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
So when does IT become giant and be instantly destroyed by Leopardon's Sword Vigor?
gellaho
Seems like too much time must have passed before this? Probably, but what is time, really
GDC
Her last name is an allusion to her purpose in the narrative.
Brendan
More of a burden than a crutch.
FancyShark
MaryLou Load was too on-the-nose
gellaho
Yeah, sure, what?
FancyShark
That's not...
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
um.........what?!
why........
Brendan
Is that like irony?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Fuck you Lionel.
FancyShark
Fine, screw it. Your whole world is trash anyway, Lionel
Brendan
So it's four styles.
gellaho
And this is in the woods, is it?
GDC
Sounds like a house a 6 year old made in Minecraft
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
see what I mean with how poor formatting makes this read like fucking nonsense?
FancyShark
The opulent recluse manor in the New Jersey woods
gellaho
This makes less sense then the Castle-Laboratory Lazarus Clinic in The Hardy Boys Casefiles #4: The Lazarus Plot
And that's saying something
Brendan
But still more sense than Spy School
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
it would be more realistic if it was just the fucking Batcave
gellaho
Hey, good news
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
even bad writing ain't enough to kill MaryLou
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Oh thank God, Benny is just an idiot and cant take a pulse.
gellaho
Time for some bad puns
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
holy shit
FancyShark
Do it
DO IT
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
YEAH!
gellaho
And lazy song references, great
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
MaryLou got to the afterlife, read how the rest of the book was turning out, and came back for revenge
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
hahahahah maybe "Please dont cut me!" would have been better my guy.
A bowie knife is pretty good for opening up roustabouts tho, Mary Lou has impeccable taste in weapons.
gellaho
Luckily, the bloody body of John Smith shows up
gellaho
gellaho
How'd he get bloody? Who knows
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Probably saw a bobcat and ran.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
even Mary Lou can't dull Lionel thinking he's so goddamn clever with these names
FancyShark
cough "You've got...raccoons..." <falls over>
gellaho
Time for some torture
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
John Smith also thinks she looks like Sigourney Weaver
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Mayhaps if John wasnt such a suspicious weirdo he'd not keep getting these reactions.
gellaho
"That is pretty dumb"
GDC
Benny, you couldn't tell if she was dead.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
also, benny, you came here because she's fuckign loaded, why would she care about selling fucking spaceship parts
FancyShark
Lionel, you just covered more of the narrative in that paragraph than in all the book leading up to it
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I dunno maybe she needs more grenade money
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
and how the fuck does Benny know about the army presence anyway? he's been in the woods dragging a woman's body around
FancyShark
I'm imagining all of the events are within 20 feet of each other
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
sci-fi writers have no sense of scale
gellaho
Hey, look, Lucian. Haven't seen you in seventy pages
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"Lionel, having everything happen within earshot of everything else isnt what "tight plot" means."
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
braid?
gellaho
Oh, that fucking sucks
Brendan
This is the book you write imagining you'll do Airplane! for King novels.
FancyShark
At this point, it's just a relief the alien didn't intercept anything by Al Jolson
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Wait til it starts hollering Archie Bunker lines.
gellaho
And Wagoneer dies
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
I could see this being played for horror if it started stalking one of the characters while slowly whistling the Andy Griffith Show theme
FancyShark
That'd be actually creepy
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
also I can't tell if there's 2 monsters or if the author just has no concept of an established timeline of events
gellaho
He decides his final conversation should be about cuckolding
FancyShark
I can't tell what the alien is supposed to look like since Lionel won't settle on a definite physical description
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
I think it has tentacles? and at least one eye for lasers
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I was hoping hed say "I was in the closet, I like to watch."
gellaho
But, Lionel knows what you really want right now
Another new character!
FancyShark
It's supposed to be ugly. Tentacles are not ugly. They're just accessories
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Six page poem about the color purple on the horizon.
FancyShark
DAMMIT!
gellaho
A suspicious amount of this book is about infidelity, Lionel
gellaho
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
000000000000000000
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
wasn't Phyllis a nun?
FancyShark
No, Phyllis was the preacher's wife
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
or am I confusing her with the other nun because they're both religious
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
cat has a poor opinion of lionels writing.
FancyShark
Smart cat
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
cat has good taste
gellaho
He's got phone bits
FancyShark
"You took shrooms again, didn't you?"
gellaho
"Do you think she'll step on me?" - Lionel Fenn
gellaho
I know you were thinking there needed to be another character
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"No, Horace, nobody cares because potassium is boring."
FancyShark
Do it, lady. One of these Strong Female Characters needs to kill the dweeb they're with
gellaho
The Whore and The Scientist, Fridays this fall on ABC
FancyShark
I'd watch
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
They.........do?
Chita..........do they have that?
I dont think they do.
FancyShark
It's a baseball bat
gellaho
Casopia's Fuck-Palace
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Damn.
gellaho
Listing verbs is a joke, right?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Fuckin hurry up and die Kent.
FancyShark
Okay, I know it's supposed to be a town. But this is what comes to mind every time they say Gander Mountain
gellaho
How? Why?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
God I hate you and that you are the protagonist of FOUR GODDAM BOOKS.
FancyShark
ALL mirrors?
It must be a horror show when you have to poop
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Cute? Is fuckmirrors cute?!
GDC
It is not cute to see yourself shitting from every angle
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Makes shaving hard to reach areas a snap tho.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Most of us just have a hand mirror if we have to check on the hemorrhoids or whatever.
gellaho
Lionel says fuck it and switches Kent and Chita again
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
No more balancing on the sink to shave your butthole.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Though it would make it way easier to cut my own hair.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Yeah Chita? What are those priorities?
Cos you seem to not know, its okay to just admit you dont know because the author is a fuckwit.
FancyShark
It is mind-numbing how badly structured this story is
gellaho
Meanwhile
FancyShark
The major doesn't have a penis! Gasp!
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
FUCK OFF LIONEL
"Major Settbach"
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Ironass Settbach is a good name for a Bond girl but not a human woman, fuck you Lionel.
Worse than Pussy Galore, Pussy is a treasure and we didnt appreciate her enough.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
you couldn't write this bad on purpose
FancyShark
If you name your daughter Ironass and you're not part of the Imperium, you lose your sex organs. By law.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
They get vaporized by a diverse group of people from all ethnicities and gender presentations.
gellaho
Later
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"Ironass" is how you tell the world you didnt want kids, much less a daughter.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
what
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Wait shes already fucking Arthur?!
GDC
Panda of the pampas sounds like it's racist against ethnicities I don't know exist.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
BECAUSE HORSE?!
FancyShark
Which woman?!
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Aparrently Major Settbach?!
gellaho
Casopia loads up on fuck trophies
gellaho
gellaho
Her actual name is Wendy
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
Wendy Settbach somehow sounds even more offensive than Ironass
FancyShark
Casopia fucked the entire National Guard, by the looks of it
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Fuck yeah Cassie has pikes?!
GDC
Is "general and I got a little rank" supposed to be a pun?
gellaho
Sure, that's a thing someone might say
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Hah. All you had to do in the 90s to get an arsenal was give a handjob to a quartermaster and you could drive off with a dump truck full of ordnance.
A bazooka, Hooker? What are you, from 1930?
I bet she has a cache of RPG-7s she got from blowing Gorbachev.
gellaho
That's the end of Chapter 3
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
who the fuck is Baron?!
oh wait it's supposed to be Kent, I guess
gellaho
I want to get through Part II, so we'll have to push through Chapter 4
Done
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
lol
FancyShark
👏
gellaho
Oh, and 4a
gellaho
Because why not
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
BOOOOOOOO LIONEL TERRY PRATCHETT DID IT BETTER!
FancyShark
FFS, Lionel. You had a good joke
gellaho
So that's the end of The Plot I guess
GDC
A good editor would have something to say about that.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
what plot?!
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
I missed most of it, did they meet any aliens yet?
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
kind of
FancyShark
The alien killed some people and two groups have taken refuge in houses in different locations
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Yeah if by "meet" you count "a New Jersey cowboy got his head torn off."
FancyShark
And a Colonel got stabbed or gutted or something
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
And the Major turned out to be a Major Hottie.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
Sounds about typical
Maybe not that last one
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
And is.......eloping with the guy who runs the Chinese buffet\pizzeria?
Or just using him for horse based transport?
FancyShark
I think she was just trying to get a car to head to the crash site
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I feel like she didnt need to drag a horny Chinese man along for that but whatever.
GDC
This guy also talks like Gomez Addams and dresses like an anime character.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
it took us 7 chapters and mostly all that's happened is about 30 characters got introduced and moved to Next Location
I think 2 may have actually died
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Shes gonna establish a kingdom on that mountain after the alien destroys Washington DC and have all the Peking Duck she wants.
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
I see I have a lot of scrolling up to do.
FancyShark
The Good Character is still alive. Who knows how long because the writer's a fucking idiot
gellaho
To be continued next week
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
He had us going there for a while.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
also the book's title is a fucking lie
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Im still glad hes fuckin dead.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
it's "really ugly" yet we have no description of the monster
FancyShark
Thank you, @gellaho ! This book hurts, but it's great to read with you all!
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
They say you hurt the ones you love, and tonight we all wish Gellaho didnt love us quite so much.
gellaho
So pauses the 99th Edition of The Book Cage
GDC
That was a long time where nothing happened. Thanks for suffering with me, everyone.
gellaho
So, the Year of Pain has been...painful
'But the 100th Episode is coming up
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
I have literally wasted less time getting high and watching grass grow
gellaho
I probably should have done something for that
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
but fun time riffing on this nonsense
gellaho
Oh well
Wait
https://youtu.be/72SHSbttJ3E
FancyShark
:yeeeeeshark:
OH MY GOD YES!
YEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
YOU DID ANOTHER ONE!
FUCK YEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS
:sharkparty:
You are the best, @gellaho
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
It was nice to have Fancy Shark back, there was a dearth of emojis last week.
FancyShark
Daww, thanks! I missed you all!
More importantly, WOOOOO! ANOTHER GELLAHO HARDY BOYS MOVIE!!!!!!!
Brendan
Well I'm enjoying this book, but that probably says something about me.
Namely I'm from the '80s.
FancyShark
It has the ingredients for a fun story. The writing and pacing is just all over the place
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
all the right ingredients, except the ingredients have all expired
Jerkfoot Javo
We do not deserve gellaho
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
We definitely deserve Lionel tho.
GDC
And if we're being honest, I tailor my comments to solicit @FancyShark emojis.
Fatamatician: The Curator
OMG!!!
VictorianEraCadreTommys🖤🖤
@gellaho is just a great treasure to this discord
gellaho
The Book Cage: Episode 99.5 - Kent Montana and the Really Ugly Thing From Mars (Cont'd)
Before the glory of The Book Cage Episode 100, you must first complete the gauntlet. We have met The Players, we have seen The Plot, and we have read Chapters 4 and 4a. Only 100 more characters and thousands of bad jokes to get through! For your rewards, you must overcome pain this Friday, 5pm eastern.
gellaho
Octo
I also recently learned that his wife was an early artist at Marvel and also Holy Crap Good at drawing' super peeps
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
I'm going to be so fucking sad if Kent Montana needs a third caging to wrap up.
gellaho
A little under an hour until Kent Montana and the Really Ugly Thing From Mars continues. We will resume with Part III
gellaho
In case you forgot where we paused, here's a helpful reminder
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Oh god. Oh Jesus Christ.
Episode 100 can't come soon enough.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
be honest with us gellaho, what page are we on and how many pages are in the book
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Stretching this out for three parts might legally be a war crime.
FancyShark
He's already got ep 100 scheduled for next week. Evil dies tonight
Brendan
Ep 99-Omega: The Horrible Thing at Gander Pond
iT
Is
TiiiIIiiIIiiIiIiMMME
FancyShark
Let's GOOOOO!
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Jesus walk with us.
gellaho
Hasn't really mentioned that it's from Mars yet
FancyShark
Lazy writing
gellaho
That doesn't sound like Lionel
Part names don't have to make sense, right?
FancyShark
He must think he's writing this out like a list of the things you need for a sci-fi movie
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Lionel, be honest. You are adapting a script here, and you meant this to be like a comedic sci fi B movie.
Except you fucked it and arent funny.
gellaho
In summary: The sky turned red.
FancyShark
EPIC redhead
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
When Gaia herself is a redhead.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Ah, the Canadian wildfires finally hit Gander Pond, too.
FancyShark
Blood moon means all the dead characters come back
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
And then he'll list them again! NOOOOOO!!
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
love to start a chapter with an attention grabbing quote and then not explain who the fuck said it for an entire page
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Must have been the wind
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I dont remember a single character from this book from last time.
I feel like there might be a Ron?
FancyShark
I remember the gun lady and the bartender lady and the soldier lady and the guy who got his head ripped off
Brendan
Whole lot of MoRons
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
like a couple dozen characters got introduced, 2 got killed off, and the alien quotes shitty old movies
that's it
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Gonna be real I am not saving any space in my brain for these schlubs
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
that's all that's happened
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I remember things happening just not anyones name.
gellaho
See if you can catch Lionel's subtle Freddy Kruger joke
gellaho
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Also some of them are horny.
gellaho
Some?
FancyShark
Well, yeah. Some aren't horny cuz they're dead or Kent
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
And is the alien horny? Is that textual or just us deciding this star beast is also a fuck beast?
FancyShark
It's probably horny. One does not quote Ricky Ricardo without some hormones behind it
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
unconfirmed, I think it's only got a boner for murder
gellaho
The tolerant sigh of the executioner
FancyShark
Excavation requires jauntiness
gellaho
You know, the Warner Brothers shark? That reference we all know?
FancyShark
Oh, Sophia, don't get me STARTED on Warner
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
the only movie shark I know off hand is a Universal thing
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Jaws was distributed by Universal you fucking stupid hack
FancyShark
You might think it's a throwaway detail, but the power zoom lens will pay off big in Act Three
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
God damn it, this dude is so up his own ass about movies and he can't even get the softball references right.
He's the Ernest Cline of comedy.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
GIF
gellaho
Wakka wakka
gellaho
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Or its the worst Looney Tunes reference anyone ever made.
FancyShark
And thus, Cloverfield was born
Brendan
You're all completely ignoring Jabberjaw, the Warner Bros. shark who is also Curly from the Three Stooges.
gellaho
Make sure to describe action so it is difficult to follow
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
it's a broom, lionel
FancyShark
Couldn't even make a pun about sweeping the leg, Lionel?
gellaho
Shit nuts
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I'll fucking DIE before I acknowledge Wet Scooby Doo.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
this dialogue reads like it was written by AI
FancyShark
"We coulda been a contenda!"
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
why introduce so many characters if you're not interested in having any of them talking like normal people
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
There's nothing artificial about this total lack of intelligence
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Trying to remember this was written when not everyone had a high grade video recording device in their pocket.
But still, at least one other person is taking video of this alien rampage.
gellaho
I guess this is where the section title comes from
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
"jug-eared" sounds uncomfortably like an old-timey slur
FancyShark
This sounds like the plan of a character with a long, full life
gellaho
Sardonic cigarettes
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Is that like an early form of vaping?
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
I'm pretty sure telling a guy directly that he's going to die isn't exactly an innuendo
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
"Editorially wise" feels like a slam on his editor, assuming there was one at some point
gellaho
Can't find fault with the logic
Brendan
The most English of cigarettes.
Most French cigarette is Sartre.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Red Faction has indicated that yes, Mars is a communist planet.
gellaho
Eat the news
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Or will be once I'm done distributing the Peoples Railguns.
FancyShark
Is Clark Kent known for his journalistic rigor? I always assumed he got assigned, like, local sports
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
...how the fuck do they know it's from mars?
FancyShark
They're guessing
gellaho
Lionel Fenn is known for his cerebral humor
gellaho
FancyShark
Hahahaha! Feces!
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Probably read the book title.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
He does but he keeps stumbling into the middle of a Superman interest story somehow
FancyShark
That Kent. Always keeping his eye out for the real story.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I.....always assumed Clark never really did any work aside from like baseball scores or something.
his day seems full.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
Clark usually does human interest pieces iirc
FancyShark
He's been working on a new store opening announcement since day one. He makes sure it gets destroyed every time a deadline approaches
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
there is a dude at the daily planet that's basically their only guy at the sports desk tho
I forget his name
wait, sorry, I'm getting distracted by a better story
LOMBARD
steve lombard, that's his fuckin name
Brendan
He and Lois both have Pulitzers and also they grew up with three different Presidents of the United States because comic writers can't help themselves.
gellaho
Eh, Fabian Lamanza over here
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
....what?
FancyShark
Is that a decision, Fabian?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
His uncle could die later, as a treat.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Later in the story Fabian will murder an alien goose with his face.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
that paragraph has big "If it weren't for my horse I wouldn't have spent that year in college" energy
gellaho
Always good to check your balls before speaking to a lady
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
oh is this ironass or whatever the fuck her name was
Brendan
There's a good writer hiding in here, I'm sure of it.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
How exactly does he know about the ass thing if they're looking straight on at each other
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Gestating in Lionel's chest, waiting to explode out at the dinner table
Octo
Phil Lombard
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
given the amount of characters I presume he got lost in the press
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
You can sense a good ass at fifty paces.
Brendan
It's not real talent till you can tell from the front.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
I fucking wish
FancyShark
We keep digging, we might be hitting bedrock before we find them
gellaho
A lady politely asks for intercourse with a stranger
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
You mean you cant?! Shit am I the only one who can appreciate asses in 360 degree panorama view?!
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
I mean I can but I have to be on the internet for that
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
that men writing women subreddit would have a field day with this book, they'd burn the "about the author" section in effigy
gellaho
He's literally across the street, so he can probably hear you
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
jesus christ
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Would.
FancyShark
Oh, there's boiled rabbit in his future
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
This is a trap, 100%
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I mean its only a matter of time before you get eviscerated by an alien.
gellaho
I have a lot of books written by women they should take a look at
Turns out bad writing defies gender
Octo
Clark is generally a Very Good reporter, but Lois leaves him in the dust; she just has a harder time not getting directly involved with her stories and is not burdened with any amount of patience.
Jimmy and Cat are who gets fluff pieces
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Kitty's after that sweet sweet military pension money
Brendan
I'm newly returned to dating apps, and 95% of my experience tells me kitty is actually a scammer in whatever the Dubuque of Tanzania is.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Free healthcare for spouses too.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
A wholly owned subsidiary of the Dominion of Melchizedek
Brendan
Kitty knows she only has to be married to this idiot four hours before the thing eats him.
It's the ol' Veronica Mars method.
gellaho
Meanwhile the nun has wandered over to the evangelical church and has decided the monster is a revelation from God
gellaho
I'm guessing Lionel doesn't have a great handle on catholicism
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Oh cool I've seen the remake of The Blob too
FancyShark
"One magnificent purple instant" is how people described sex with Prince
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Mainly his sister
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
phyllis didn't you watch this thing evaporate your husband?
FancyShark
What makes jeans humble?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Evaporating a husband is technically a kind of gift from God.
p
cat
gellaho
Although, Lionel doesn't really seem to have a handle on anything given how the lady major talks
Brendan
Well, nobody said he was all bad.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
GIF
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
She kinda can Mr. Mayor.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
I don't even know where to start with that page so I'm just gonna let vinny speak for me
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Its all gonna be pointless tho cos that alien is gonna depopulate the area before long.
gellaho
I hear you guys like bits. Here's the "shooting people's kneecaps" bit
gellaho
gellaho
FancyShark
Quoting Nick At Nite the entire massacre
A teenaged love interest
A teenaged love interest
I'm okay with them shooting Kent, but what the hell are you playing at with "a teenaged love interest", Lionel?
gellaho
For some reason, he's against using names here
FancyShark
Must be gearing up for some murders
gellaho
That's Kitty, who is the daughter of the newspaper guy, referred here as "editor"
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
we're just barely above mashing action figures together in terms of narrative structure here
FancyShark
It's less painful if you don't name them
gellaho
Who is the love interest of the teen soldier
But said in the most roundabout way possible
Brendan
Must be a pop reference to a famous Warner Bros. shark movie.
gellaho
Lionel gets paid by the hooker joke
FancyShark
See, it's funny because she sells her body for money
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Sex workers are workers, Lionel. For shame.
gellaho
It is pretty hilarious
Brendan
Still waiting for the joke part.
gellaho
Because nobody ever laughs at people's jobs
FancyShark
Lionel got paid for this
gellaho
In Laffy Taffy
It's where he gets his material
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Not when the jokes are this bad they dont.
gellaho
Secret to comedy: flip around words, write obtusely, and run-on sentences
gellaho
It's simple
FancyShark
NGL, I'd save a Laffy Taffy that talked about alien decapitation. That would rule.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Mmmm. Taffy.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
well he's right about it being confusing, at least
FancyShark
Brake and steer but don't accelerate
gellaho
A subsonic boom? So, not a boom then
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
that
that's not
that's not how it works
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Goddammit Lionel.
FancyShark
He's getting way too loose with the subject matter. Is Kent being pursued by Chita or is she carrying guns to back him up?
gellaho
Anthropomorphically bemused
FancyShark
Son of a bitch
He's Brooke-ing
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
we're this far in and we still don't know what this alien looks like
Brendan
The alien has shown up for 600 words, and 100 of them were John Wayne quotes.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Im still operating on "Y'olonac but with a Ronald Reagan head stuck on."
gellaho
Meanwhile, Artie's back on the horse
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
so we can only assume it's a be-tentacled John Wayne with laser vision
FancyShark
Wok can't be a verb
A sound effect, yes. But not a verb
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Fuck you Lionel, you fry things in a wok.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
no I think lionel's just being racist
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
He'll never FRY again.
Also Artie is starting down the dark path that leads to horse fucking.
gellaho
Apparently the major just grabbed this horny Asian cook and knew he'd be just the man to do...something
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Waste of a cook, she should have asked him for some Sichuan style pork.
gellaho
You gotta fuse that with Italian
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
At least the soliders could be eviscerated with a full and deliciously spicy meal.
Brendan
But he DID graft the Italian stereotype onto the Chinese chef who works in the Italian restaurant.
gellaho
Woks in the Italian-Chinese fusion buffet, please
Meanwhile, we're getting perverted with mud
gellaho
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Stir fried pork and tomato sauce, sprinkled with some chili flakes and parmesan, served on a bed of noodles. 🤌
FancyShark
Jesus, did she get murdered by a pirate?
Brendan
In a sense.
GIF
FancyShark
Yar
gellaho
Dare to confront your dream face
LyraV
S...spangled tights?
FancyShark
Women only gauge world affecting things by clothing
gellaho
Milos the Over-armed accidentally licks his knife
Brendan
GIF
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Um..........Two grenades in one hand I can sorta see, but two rifles in the same hand?
I think he might have misremembered some movies.
gellaho
You wanted to know about the sexual proclivities of a little girl's dog, right?
Brendan
Men only gauge world-affecting things by weaponry.
FancyShark
Lionel sure is turning all these tropes on their heads. Naming a dog "Sparky". What barriers will he shatter next?
gellaho
Always leave your kids alone during a disaster. What could go wrong?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Wire haired terrier + dachsund produces a very weird looking dog. I had one.
Brendan
As the human-haired equivalent, you're not wrong.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Its rough out there for beings that look like they are upholstered in chamois and testicle hair.
FancyShark
Lionel, if the child isn't cut in half by a laser beam to the sound of Family Feud, you are a coward
gellaho
I hear you like semicolons
gellaho
You just can't get enough, can you?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Lionel, saw toothed and serrated mean nearly the same thing. You ass.
FancyShark
It's irritating how competent Lionel is at describing the violence
Brendan
a serrated or possibly sawtoothed horn or tooth
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Noooooooo not a corgi, Lionel, you monster!
A corgi AND a parrot!
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Dog's dead; book's bad
I don't make the rules
FancyShark
Guess they all deserved to die for not attending the town hall meeting
Or it's a different town?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I wish I could say that made me turn on Lionel but I turned on him immediately.
FancyShark
Or they didn't get the announcement?
Or the meeting was of just people who already knew about the alien?
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
that first page was a real doozy
gellaho
I don't know if you can fit that many weapons into an apartment, Lionel. You can Tetris quite a bit, but you aren't getting to hurricane strength
gellaho
That was just out in the street
And I couldn't really tell you where anyone is at this point in time
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
a super cool woman in this story has a secret armory and it's not Mary Lou??
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Cassie had a spare nuke from that time she let Gaddafi smash.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
how do you fuck this up, Lionel
gellaho
Lasers automatically make weapons go off, right?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Honestly the armory cooking off is the most accurate thing Lionel ever put to paper.
FancyShark
Its more than two appendages? Lionel?
Brendan
My understanding is the Thing is all monsters to all people.
it's a blob tentacle tooth Republican
gellaho
Kent rides the trunk
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
It's definitely the frontrunner this season
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Trump\Space Beast 2024.
gellaho
Propitious
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Sweet, we got to the car stunts portion of the book.
"Them ol Duke boys sure are in a pickle this time."
gellaho
Don't have a cow, man
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"That little prick is going to kill me, and that man with the rifle is going to shoot too!"
GIF
gellaho
Meanwhile, Lionel thought you needed to know these two idiots are still not doing anything
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Lavendar..........jacket........
gellaho
Lionel keeping it classy
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Lavendar is the worst color to wear to an alien massacre, it shows stains.
gellaho
Nick discusses his dreams
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I hate both these people. So much.
FancyShark
"You wouldn't understand and I won't help you understand."
gellaho
I mean, but Shriners are really sexy though
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
....I miss marylou
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
There's nothing sexier than fundraising medical care for the children, Lionel.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
okay fair, that does sound like a dangerous situation tho.
gellaho
Lionel intelligently and astutely muses on poopoo
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
The last great unifier of the human condition
FancyShark
I mean, if I kept watching decades of Howdy Doody, I'd want to wipe out humanity, too
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I wonder if this alien has seen Mazinger Z.....
Or just American TV.
gellaho
Don't watch TV, only do intellectually stimulating things. Like reading
gellaho
It's not like there are any close examples of the contrary
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I'd turn around on this if Lionel had this alien repeat some Soviet bloc tv catchphrase from like Yugoslavia or something.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
jesus is he really trying to do social commentary about that darned television?
FancyShark
Show it The Price is Right. That soothes everything
Brendan
The dumbass alien came to earth one month before it would received that Coca-Cola "Buy the world" commercial that taught it love.
gellaho
Meanwhile, or possibly in the past
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Lionel is just Ted Kaczynski with a publisher.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
finally
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Fuck yeah.
FancyShark
Benny, you became involved because you were going to rob her house. You should still be thanking her for not turning you into a rug.
gellaho
Raspberry jam is terrifying
FancyShark
That sounds delicious
Brendan
We're up to what, six loves at first sight here?
gellaho
I hope you liked catching up, because that's over now
gellaho
Back to the horny wokist
gellaho
He encounters a sentient tree
FancyShark
Treebeard meets the Italian Chinese Man
fanfic is weird
gellaho
The tree hates seagulls
FancyShark
That makes the tree the most relatable character so far
Philandering Wife Guy is the most complex character in this book.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
cat approves, for some reason.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
death to the tree that strands all cat kind
gellaho
But nevermind that, back to Benny. He's seeing trees get sucked off
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
"lots of smoke and stuff" how very valley girl of you, lionel
FancyShark
Upthrust Excavation is a good name for an R&B/industrial fusion band
gellaho
You expect Lionel to describe something? You fools
FancyShark
The literary equivalent of waving your hands like you're shooing away flies
gellaho
MaryLou stumbles on a laser gun
gellaho
John Smith, the hobo, grabs it
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
this is why nobody likes you john
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Were you ever rich in the first place, John?
gellaho
It doesn't end well for Benny
FancyShark
If they can get him to say his name backwards, he'll return from whence he came: the dumpster
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Shit.
FancyShark
The hilarious gunshot scene
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
MaryLou just being impressed really does it for me.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
this gun apparently works just like a nerf gun I had as a kid
gellaho
No one knows what it's like to be the bad man, to be the sad man, named John Smith
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
his family disowned him? over his name?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
John..........thats a stupid fucking plan. No wonder youre poor.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
motherfucker they named him that
FancyShark
This is the worst character motivation
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
he's so nothing
he's not a character, he's an obstacle
gellaho
Well, it was good Lionel spent so much time introducing this character
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
thanks marylou!
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
if you removed him from the story literally nothing changes
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Hahahah nice one MaryLou.
FancyShark
If this turns into a corpse competition between the alien and MaryLou, I'm all for it
gellaho
Really got to rush, but only after some light flirting and a respectful burial
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
the alien and marylou meet up, shake hands like dutch and dillon, proceed to mow down the rest of the cast and walk into the sunrise
FancyShark
In the time it took them to bury John, four families were turned to ash
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Also......its a laser, the alien shoots lasers from its eyes........why does it have this?
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
why does anything happen in this fuckin book, man
it's propelled by the sheer forward momentum of a writer's empty stomach
gellaho
And now, time for Hooker's brilliant plan
gellaho
Went real well
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
w--
was his plan literally to just die?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Hahahaha the alien doesnt play the quoting game like we do on Earth.
Also "Say goodnight, Gracie." is about the worst thing you could say to an alien, its either gonna be a threat or a request.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
so glad we spent so much time introducing these characters that do nothing but act stupid and get incinerated
FancyShark
His plan was to throw some phrase at it to shut it down. I think?
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
slashers, amirite
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
even slasher flicks have more restraint
gellaho
I don't really know how to summarize this next part. But, here we go. Kent tries to convince the major to listen to his plan. What is his plan? Who knows
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
I'm rooting for the alien
gellaho
Then she does her hi-larious shooting bit
gellaho
Then they start flirting?
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
why is kent
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I mean a woman doused in motor oil isnt NOT sexy...
But thats real specific, Kent.
gellaho
Then Kent shouts everyone off the street and the major thanks him for it?
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
why is this guy suddenly in a leadership role despite acting like a vaguely affronted rich prick for most of the book
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Noblesse oblige
gellaho
Chita gets jealous and offers her tits
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
For a comissioned officer, the Major is real kissy. Usually you have to be a colonel before its okay to kiss randos.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
I hate this
gellaho
Speaking of tits, Casopia rubs hers with the remains of Hooker
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
I am just beside myself with how fucking stupid this is
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
just stick it out til Episode 100
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Chita, you can do better.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
all we have to do is endure
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
okay we've officially crossed into "barely disguised fetish" territory
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Ew ashy tits, and shes gonna sweat so thats gonna get sticky.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
is it weird I'm more annoyed by the secular prayer bit
gellaho
Luckily Greek Greekopolis shows up
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
oh cool, Hooker's player had a backup character
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
I literally don't remember what this guy's deal is beyond the name
gellaho
But, no time to think about that, because Benny and MaryLou are on a bicycle built for two
FancyShark
Quit being a baby and pedal with the leg that has a hole in it
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
it's a speed hole, it'll make you go faster
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Makes it more or less a tactical leg now.
Just add a rubber textured grip.
gellaho
But, still no time, consider this poorly phrased story
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
how the fuck do you row a yacht
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Slowly and with care, I imagine.
FancyShark
I don't recall Lionel mentioning Kent was stuck in a cartoonish battle for succession
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
that is a fucking mad libs of a paragraph
gellaho
You remember Extra Player, the cowboy? Meet his sister "Bitinia"
gellaho
Bit Player, what a kneeslapper
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Lionel.........im getting really tired.
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
why are we introing new characters
especially ones that so very obviously only exist to be vaporised
FancyShark
He introduced more characters than Cocktails and still felt he needed cannon fodder
gellaho
This'll end well
gellaho
Time for Part IV
You're not going to like it
FancyShark
You are correct
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
shut the fuck up lionel
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Goddam you Lionel.
gellaho
You keep eggs in greenhouses, sure
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
so it's not even from mars, it's from jupiter
gellaho
The alien had quickly disarmed Hooker's plan. Which, apparently, would have worked
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
literally the one insistent descriptor of the alien was where it came from and even that was bullshit
FancyShark
The secret to its demise is to convince it to leave?
gellaho
IT
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
oh my god it's literally just an angry cloud?
gellaho
Hard to lean out of a cloud if you are a cloud
FancyShark
Sub-creature. Sure, that's a clever enough description of a child
or dog
Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS
I just meant the general description of what we can see of it
it's a real bad sign when your bad guy looks like the main threat of a shitty Fantastic Four sequel
So, you remember the trio of musicians that randomly appeared out of nowhere earlier? No?
Well, they are back
FancyShark
I'm picturing a shoggoth and I will not be swayed from this
gellaho
gellaho
And saving the day. Quite the solution to a cliffhanger
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
You can always count on The Three Amigos.
GIF
gellaho
And a grape-knife-missile, sure
FancyShark
Lionel got some pages mixed in from another story
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Raytheon is working on grape flavor for the RX9 knife missile.
gellaho
The death rays look like death rays, writes Lionel
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
GIF
Like this, he means.
FancyShark
I know it has feet but I'm sticking with shoggoth
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Shoggoth can have feet if they want, so valid.
gellaho
In short order, O'Malley apologizes to his daughter for working too much, sends her off with that soldier she asked to fuck once, gets pulled into the Italo-Sino Restaurant for sex
gellaho
But is interrupted by the nun with a baseball bat
gellaho
That all happens in about one page
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Bat to the stomach AND cockblocked, way to go for the double play, Sister.
FancyShark
Lionel does not understand what "power of the press" means
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Also has never had a street fight with a nun.
They arent very quick, but theres always a ton of them.
gellaho
Phone didn't crop or upload those in the right order, great
Whatever
Doesn't let me delete only one image either, cool
Let's try again
gellaho
FancyShark
Guess the alien's Baptist
And another plot thread is thwarted
The whole "Lionel turns every scifi trope on its head" seems to consist of introducing a scifi trope and then killing the people doing it
gellaho
So that pair up was pointless
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Good, something came dangerously close to happening.
gellaho
As was this, because Milos is off on his own again
FancyShark
Women being punched. Comedy!
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
It's fine, shes Evangelical, they love it.
gellaho
Comedy isn't all that hard
FancyShark
"Who's on first?"
"PEOPLE ARE DYING!"
gellaho
Lionel loves the word "nuts". I've cut out about a dozen of them
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
How do you even have bad aim with a grenade?
You're supposed to throw them like a chimp flinging shit.
FancyShark
So it's Nick knew how to kill the monster.
gellaho
Free-lance paramecia stomping
FancyShark
Effortlessly working backstory into a casual observation
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Shut the fuck up, Lionel.
gellaho
Writing in circles, eventually comedy will show up
FancyShark
Tell us there was no second draft without telling us there was no second draft
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Lionel, you arent supposed to write down the arguments children have on playgrounds about force fields verbatim.
The editor of this or their family is owed wergild.
gellaho
Get a good look at Benny
gellaho
Lionel makes a very confusing 1990 Star Trek reference
FancyShark
Generations wasn't until 1994. What the hell is he talking about?
gellaho
No idea
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
He........got laid?
I guess?
There was that time he fucked a fuzzy alien vampire........
Brendan
This was the plot of ARRIVAL.
gellaho
I hear you like comedy.
Unfortunately I don't have any of that
gellaho
FancyShark
An entire army of Barney Fifes
Except not as funny or charming
gellaho
I'm not sure Lionel saw any television in the thirty years leading up to this book
FancyShark
Not sure if it's good the alien didn't see black people on TV yet. Lionel would have had a field day
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Oh god the alien that sees Sanford and Son.....
FancyShark
You know Lionel would write that out phonetically
gellaho
When writing dialog, make sure none of the lines work with each other
FancyShark
"If only we had someone with a generic name"
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I mean she's right, slap and tickle till it works is for sex and not firearms.
gellaho
Depression just thrown in that list
Sniff the laser
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I dont know enough about Robert the Bruce to know if theres a Black Douglas.
Brendan
I used to think I wanted to be buried under a tree, but this works too.
gellaho
Fondle the laser
FancyShark
Are they putting distance between IT and themselves or is this thing just maintaining a respectful distance and never shooting them?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
So yeah, just rub the lasers butthole until it climaxes and then fry the alien and we can all go do something else.
gellaho
Describing things is hard
FancyShark
Aw, poor Kent. Is the alien invasion inconveniencing you?
gellaho
Short sentences = comedy
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Fuuuuuuuuuuck offffffff Lionel.
gellaho
It was just sort of melting random cars
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Quit dancing around it, we already know the alien has some kind of code phrase that will do......something.
Hopefully explode.
gellaho
Now, slightly longer sentences = comedy
FancyShark
Why would you try to distract your opponent instead of shooting them?
gellaho
Artie's here with a bunch of horsemen
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Oh shit did Artie find some Winged Hussars and we get that Time Blender shit we crave?!
FancyShark
Motherfucker, SHOOT THE MONSTER
This isn't a quickdraw situation. You have your gun pointed right at it
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Maybe he needs a minute to get the gun aroused again after its refractory period.
gellaho
Everything charges at it
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Wait this was your fuckin plan?!
Cool.
FancyShark
Worked for WW1
gellaho
Welp, I have no idea what is happening
FancyShark
Except for all the soldiers turned into hamburger by guns
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Just going to hurl TV references at it until it finds the trigger phrase and it leaves to bite off the nose of the President of Venus or something.
gellaho
Bring out the children
gellaho
FancyShark
So they're looking for phrases that signal the end of a TV episode
Because apparently when this dipshit alien trained, its muscles learned to stop when the credits roll
gellaho
Just keep it rolling, Lionel, you freak
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
this would be a genius resolution which means Fenn will absolutely not go for it
GDC
I just got back from having my ass handed to me at trivia, I'm exactly as lost as I was when I was following along.
FancyShark
This is going to end with Porky Pig, isn't it
gellaho
These certainly are arranged words
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
DO IT! USE THE KILLING WORD!
gellaho
What's traditional!? Lionel! Lionel?
gellaho
And fuck your pun
So it has one ace up it's sleeve, does it?
gellaho
It does not
FancyShark
Fuck you, Lionel
gellaho
If you are trying to figure out what Hooker did wrong, best of fucking luck
Brendan
I'm sorry, are they killing it with love and song?
FancyShark
With sign-off lines from old TV shows
Octo
Just like Rock and Rule
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
It has some kind of stupid shit brain bomb.
For reasons.
Brendan
IT is a metaphor for reruns.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
It
it fucking would stand no chance in todays anything, like imagine how quick it would die just faced with one pop culture nerd.
Some dork would start singing anime theme songs at it.
gellaho
Two words?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I never want an alien lifeform to die to the end credits of Love Hina, please God, hear my prayer.
gellaho
Maybe one word
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Chita is horny, not a math woman.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
jesus christ, he really is Ernest Cline.
gellaho
Spent a lot of goddamned time on these mysterious reinforcements that Arthur was getting, but just turned out to be literal calvary that did nothing and left
gellaho
And the other characters are just as easily dismissed
FancyShark
The goodbyes are going to take another hour, even at one per sentence
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
the attempt at Obsidian epilogue slides was a good effort but tbh I'm just happy MaryLou lived and is getting out of this shithole.
gellaho
And, why the fuck not, a movie script immediately shows up for Kent
FancyShark
"It's a snuff film"
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
A.......bat ring?
Lionel are you trying to set up a sequel hook or something?! Fuck you.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Scooter cowboy!
FancyShark
oh god, he must be
gellaho
Time to makeout over the remains of the dead
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Scooter cowboy maybe Dracula?
FancyShark
Scooter cowboy secret society
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Bat shaped rings can mean a lot of things.
gellaho
Oh, but what's this?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Scooter cowboy secret dracula society?
Brendan
But it's from Jupiter...
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck offfffffffffffffffffffff
gellaho
Oh, but also what's also this?
FancyShark
...
Moving on!
gellaho
It was going to Jupiter
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I think it was just going to Jupiter, like youd go to the store for milk.
Or dropping off your pulsating eggs at daycare.
gellaho
Lionel loves him some pointless bullshit
gellaho
Comedy!
FancyShark
This book is doing Return of the King endings before Return of the King did them
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Fuck off forever, Lionel.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
FancyShark
Each egg screamed, a testicle attached to the giant ship
gellaho
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
GIF
FancyShark
You're not funny, Lionel
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Lionel, I hope you died painfully.
Brendan
Each egg, a hostage ransomed from the Angel People of Saturn.
gellaho
I bet you wish this was it
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Lionel, you unfunny fucker.
Adequate dog?!
gellaho
Whee
FancyShark
GRRRAAAAAAGGGHHHH!
GIF
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
God will punish you for this Lionel.
gellaho
He's just got so many bits!
FancyShark
Lionel clearly died from our hate breaking the barrier of time
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
God will become briefly real, punish you, then go back to being not real.
Brendan
Randy Savage was our best man though
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Azathoth will wake just to shove you into one of its many toothy maws.
FancyShark
Yeah, we can give him that one
gellaho
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Okay but real talk, Chinese cuisine chili would fuck.
gellaho
Guxx Unfufadoo
FancyShark
Oh, John is the Carpenter. Get it?
Do you?
DO YOU GET IT?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
🙄
FancyShark
ANSWER ME!
gellaho
We have defeated Kent Montana and the Really Ugly Thing From Mars
FancyShark
WE DID IT!
Brendan
He's the Canadian Terry Pratchett, you know.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I've never wanted to kick a book to death, cool.
Brendan
Alice is plainly little orphan Annie.
FancyShark
No wonder Canada burned
Brendan
or Janis
Supernaught
Well, I walked in on the ending of something special. Y'all are pissed.
Brendan
And IT did us.
gellaho
So concludes The 99th Edition of The Book Cage
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
BURN IT.
BURN IT.
BURN IT.
FancyShark
Thank you for that horrible book, @gellaho !
Well done, everyone!
Our reward is pure joy next week!
gellaho
Next Week: We reach the Centennial
gellaho
Until then, "Nuts!"
FancyShark
Have a great night, everybody!
gellaho
https://youtu.be/72SHSbttJ3E
Brendan
I must be the only one who enjoyed this book. I guess nobody buy my books if we want to stay friends.
