99: Kent Montana and the Really Ugly Thing from Mars Lionel Fenn

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

John..........thats a stupid fucking plan. No wonder youre poor.

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

motherfucker they named him that

FancyShark

This is the worst character motivation

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

he's so nothing

he's not a character, he's an obstacle

gellaho

Well, it was good Lionel spent so much time introducing this character

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

thanks marylou!

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

if you removed him from the story literally nothing changes

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Hahahah nice one MaryLou.

FancyShark

If this turns into a corpse competition between the alien and MaryLou, I'm all for it

gellaho

Really got to rush, but only after some light flirting and a respectful burial

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

the alien and marylou meet up, shake hands like dutch and dillon, proceed to mow down the rest of the cast and walk into the sunrise

FancyShark

In the time it took them to bury John, four families were turned to ash

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Also......its a laser, the alien shoots lasers from its eyes........why does it have this?

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

why does anything happen in this fuckin book, man

it's propelled by the sheer forward momentum of a writer's empty stomach

gellaho

And now, time for Hooker's brilliant plan

gellaho

Went real well

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

w--

was his plan literally to just die?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Hahahaha the alien doesnt play the quoting game like we do on Earth.

Also "Say goodnight, Gracie." is about the worst thing you could say to an alien, its either gonna be a threat or a request.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

so glad we spent so much time introducing these characters that do nothing but act stupid and get incinerated

FancyShark

His plan was to throw some phrase at it to shut it down. I think?

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

slashers, amirite

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

even slasher flicks have more restraint

gellaho

I don't really know how to summarize this next part. But, here we go. Kent tries to convince the major to listen to his plan. What is his plan? Who knows

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

I'm rooting for the alien

gellaho

Then she does her hi-larious shooting bit

gellaho

Then they start flirting?

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

why is kent

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

I mean a woman doused in motor oil isnt NOT sexy...

But thats real specific, Kent.

gellaho

Then Kent shouts everyone off the street and the major thanks him for it?

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

why is this guy suddenly in a leadership role despite acting like a vaguely affronted rich prick for most of the book

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

Noblesse oblige

gellaho

Chita gets jealous and offers her tits

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

For a comissioned officer, the Major is real kissy. Usually you have to be a colonel before its okay to kiss randos.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

I hate this

gellaho

Speaking of tits, Casopia rubs hers with the remains of Hooker

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

I am just beside myself with how fucking stupid this is

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

just stick it out til Episode 100

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Chita, you can do better.

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

all we have to do is endure

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

okay we've officially crossed into "barely disguised fetish" territory

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Ew ashy tits, and shes gonna sweat so thats gonna get sticky.

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

is it weird I'm more annoyed by the secular prayer bit

gellaho

Luckily Greek Greekopolis shows up

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

oh cool, Hooker's player had a backup character

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

I literally don't remember what this guy's deal is beyond the name

gellaho

But, no time to think about that, because Benny and MaryLou are on a bicycle built for two

FancyShark

Quit being a baby and pedal with the leg that has a hole in it

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

it's a speed hole, it'll make you go faster

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Makes it more or less a tactical leg now.

Just add a rubber textured grip.

gellaho

But, still no time, consider this poorly phrased story

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

how the fuck do you row a yacht

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Slowly and with care, I imagine.

FancyShark

I don't recall Lionel mentioning Kent was stuck in a cartoonish battle for succession

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

that is a fucking mad libs of a paragraph

gellaho

You remember Extra Player, the cowboy? Meet his sister "Bitinia"

gellaho

Bit Player, what a kneeslapper

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Lionel.........im getting really tired.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

why are we introing new characters

especially ones that so very obviously only exist to be vaporised

FancyShark

He introduced more characters than Cocktails and still felt he needed cannon fodder

gellaho

This'll end well

gellaho

Time for Part IV

You're not going to like it

FancyShark

You are correct

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

shut the fuck up lionel

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Goddam you Lionel.

gellaho

You keep eggs in greenhouses, sure

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

so it's not even from mars, it's from jupiter

gellaho

The alien had quickly disarmed Hooker's plan. Which, apparently, would have worked

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

literally the one insistent descriptor of the alien was where it came from and even that was bullshit

FancyShark

The secret to its demise is to convince it to leave?

gellaho

IT

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

oh my god it's literally just an angry cloud?

gellaho

Hard to lean out of a cloud if you are a cloud

FancyShark

Sub-creature. Sure, that's a clever enough description of a child

or dog

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

I just meant the general description of what we can see of it

it's a real bad sign when your bad guy looks like the main threat of a shitty Fantastic Four sequel

gellaho

I know you've been missing the semicolons

FancyShark

Furry-feathered?

gellaho

Descriptions are hard

It's got feet, tentacles, fur, eyes, horns, beaks, feathers, whatever

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Krokar approves.

gellaho

So, you remember the trio of musicians that randomly appeared out of nowhere earlier? No?

Well, they are back

FancyShark

I'm picturing a shoggoth and I will not be swayed from this

gellaho

gellaho

And saving the day. Quite the solution to a cliffhanger

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

You can always count on The Three Amigos.

GIF

gellaho

And a grape-knife-missile, sure

FancyShark

Lionel got some pages mixed in from another story

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Raytheon is working on grape flavor for the RX9 knife missile.

gellaho

The death rays look like death rays, writes Lionel

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

GIF

Like this, he means.

FancyShark

I know it has feet but I'm sticking with shoggoth

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Shoggoth can have feet if they want, so valid.

gellaho

In short order, O'Malley apologizes to his daughter for working too much, sends her off with that soldier she asked to fuck once, gets pulled into the Italo-Sino Restaurant for sex

gellaho

But is interrupted by the nun with a baseball bat

gellaho

That all happens in about one page

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Bat to the stomach AND cockblocked, way to go for the double play, Sister.

FancyShark

Lionel does not understand what "power of the press" means

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Also has never had a street fight with a nun.

They arent very quick, but theres always a ton of them.

gellaho

Phone didn't crop or upload those in the right order, great

Whatever

Doesn't let me delete only one image either, cool

Let's try again

gellaho

FancyShark

Guess the alien's Baptist

And another plot thread is thwarted

The whole "Lionel turns every scifi trope on its head" seems to consist of introducing a scifi trope and then killing the people doing it

gellaho

So that pair up was pointless

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Good, something came dangerously close to happening.

gellaho

As was this, because Milos is off on his own again

FancyShark

Women being punched. Comedy!

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

It's fine, shes Evangelical, they love it.

gellaho

Comedy isn't all that hard

FancyShark

"Who's on first?"

"PEOPLE ARE DYING!"

gellaho

Lionel loves the word "nuts". I've cut out about a dozen of them

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

How do you even have bad aim with a grenade?

You're supposed to throw them like a chimp flinging shit.

FancyShark

So it's Nick knew how to kill the monster.

gellaho

Free-lance paramecia stomping

FancyShark

Effortlessly working backstory into a casual observation

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Shut the fuck up, Lionel.

gellaho

Writing in circles, eventually comedy will show up

FancyShark

Tell us there was no second draft without telling us there was no second draft

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Lionel, you arent supposed to write down the arguments children have on playgrounds about force fields verbatim.

The editor of this or their family is owed wergild.

gellaho

Get a good look at Benny

gellaho

Lionel makes a very confusing 1990 Star Trek reference

FancyShark

Generations wasn't until 1994. What the hell is he talking about?

gellaho

No idea

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

He........got laid?

I guess?

There was that time he fucked a fuzzy alien vampire........

Brendan

This was the plot of ARRIVAL.

gellaho

I hear you like comedy.

Unfortunately I don't have any of that

gellaho

FancyShark

An entire army of Barney Fifes

Except not as funny or charming

gellaho

I'm not sure Lionel saw any television in the thirty years leading up to this book

FancyShark

Not sure if it's good the alien didn't see black people on TV yet. Lionel would have had a field day

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Oh god the alien that sees Sanford and Son.....

FancyShark

You know Lionel would write that out phonetically

gellaho

When writing dialog, make sure none of the lines work with each other

FancyShark

"If only we had someone with a generic name"

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

I mean she's right, slap and tickle till it works is for sex and not firearms.

gellaho

Depression just thrown in that list

Sniff the laser

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

I dont know enough about Robert the Bruce to know if theres a Black Douglas.

Brendan

I used to think I wanted to be buried under a tree, but this works too.

gellaho

Fondle the laser

FancyShark

Are they putting distance between IT and themselves or is this thing just maintaining a respectful distance and never shooting them?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

So yeah, just rub the lasers butthole until it climaxes and then fry the alien and we can all go do something else.

gellaho

Describing things is hard

FancyShark

Aw, poor Kent. Is the alien invasion inconveniencing you?

gellaho

Short sentences = comedy

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Fuuuuuuuuuuck offffffff Lionel.

gellaho

It was just sort of melting random cars

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Quit dancing around it, we already know the alien has some kind of code phrase that will do......something.

Hopefully explode.

gellaho

Now, slightly longer sentences = comedy

FancyShark

Why would you try to distract your opponent instead of shooting them?

gellaho

Artie's here with a bunch of horsemen

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Oh shit did Artie find some Winged Hussars and we get that Time Blender shit we crave?!

FancyShark

Motherfucker, SHOOT THE MONSTER

This isn't a quickdraw situation. You have your gun pointed right at it

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Maybe he needs a minute to get the gun aroused again after its refractory period.

gellaho

Everything charges at it

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Wait this was your fuckin plan?!

Cool.

FancyShark

Worked for WW1

gellaho

Welp, I have no idea what is happening

FancyShark

Except for all the soldiers turned into hamburger by guns

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Just going to hurl TV references at it until it finds the trigger phrase and it leaves to bite off the nose of the President of Venus or something.

gellaho

Bring out the children

gellaho

FancyShark

So they're looking for phrases that signal the end of a TV episode

Because apparently when this dipshit alien trained, its muscles learned to stop when the credits roll

gellaho

Just keep it rolling, Lionel, you freak

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

this would be a genius resolution which means Fenn will absolutely not go for it

GDC

I just got back from having my ass handed to me at trivia, I'm exactly as lost as I was when I was following along.

FancyShark

This is going to end with Porky Pig, isn't it

gellaho

These certainly are arranged words

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

DO IT! USE THE KILLING WORD!

gellaho

What's traditional!? Lionel! Lionel?

gellaho

And fuck your pun

So it has one ace up it's sleeve, does it?

gellaho

It does not

FancyShark

Fuck you, Lionel

gellaho

If you are trying to figure out what Hooker did wrong, best of fucking luck

Brendan

I'm sorry, are they killing it with love and song?

FancyShark

With sign-off lines from old TV shows

Octo

Just like Rock and Rule

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

It has some kind of stupid shit brain bomb.

For reasons.

Brendan

IT is a metaphor for reruns.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

It

it fucking would stand no chance in todays anything, like imagine how quick it would die just faced with one pop culture nerd.

Some dork would start singing anime theme songs at it.

gellaho

Two words?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

I never want an alien lifeform to die to the end credits of Love Hina, please God, hear my prayer.

gellaho

Maybe one word

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Chita is horny, not a math woman.

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

jesus christ, he really is Ernest Cline.

gellaho

Spent a lot of goddamned time on these mysterious reinforcements that Arthur was getting, but just turned out to be literal calvary that did nothing and left

gellaho

And the other characters are just as easily dismissed

FancyShark

The goodbyes are going to take another hour, even at one per sentence

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

the attempt at Obsidian epilogue slides was a good effort but tbh I'm just happy MaryLou lived and is getting out of this shithole.

gellaho

And, why the fuck not, a movie script immediately shows up for Kent

FancyShark

"It's a snuff film"

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

A.......bat ring?

Lionel are you trying to set up a sequel hook or something?! Fuck you.

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

Scooter cowboy!

FancyShark

oh god, he must be

gellaho

Time to makeout over the remains of the dead

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Scooter cowboy maybe Dracula?

FancyShark

Scooter cowboy secret society

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Bat shaped rings can mean a lot of things.

gellaho

Oh, but what's this?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Scooter cowboy secret dracula society?

Brendan

But it's from Jupiter...

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck offfffffffffffffffffffff

gellaho

Oh, but also what's also this?

FancyShark

...

Moving on!

gellaho

It was going to Jupiter

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

I think it was just going to Jupiter, like youd go to the store for milk.

Or dropping off your pulsating eggs at daycare.

gellaho

Lionel loves him some pointless bullshit

gellaho

Comedy!

FancyShark

This book is doing Return of the King endings before Return of the King did them

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Fuck off forever, Lionel.

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

FancyShark

Each egg screamed, a testicle attached to the giant ship

gellaho

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

GIF

FancyShark

You're not funny, Lionel

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Lionel, I hope you died painfully.

Brendan

Each egg, a hostage ransomed from the Angel People of Saturn.

gellaho

I bet you wish this was it

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Lionel, you unfunny fucker.

Adequate dog?!

gellaho

Whee

FancyShark

GRRRAAAAAAGGGHHHH!

GIF

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

God will punish you for this Lionel.

gellaho

He's just got so many bits!

FancyShark

Lionel clearly died from our hate breaking the barrier of time

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

God will become briefly real, punish you, then go back to being not real.

Brendan

Randy Savage was our best man though

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

Azathoth will wake just to shove you into one of its many toothy maws.

FancyShark

Yeah, we can give him that one

gellaho

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Okay but real talk, Chinese cuisine chili would fuck.

gellaho

Guxx Unfufadoo

FancyShark

Oh, John is the Carpenter. Get it?

Do you?

DO YOU GET IT?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

🙄

FancyShark

ANSWER ME!

gellaho

We have defeated Kent Montana and the Really Ugly Thing From Mars

FancyShark

WE DID IT!

Brendan

He's the Canadian Terry Pratchett, you know.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

I've never wanted to kick a book to death, cool.

Brendan

Alice is plainly little orphan Annie.

FancyShark

No wonder Canada burned

Brendan

or Janis

Supernaught

Well, I walked in on the ending of something special. Y'all are pissed.

Brendan

And IT did us.

gellaho

So concludes The 99th Edition of The Book Cage

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

BURN IT.

BURN IT.

BURN IT.

FancyShark

Thank you for that horrible book, @gellaho !

Well done, everyone!

Our reward is pure joy next week!

gellaho

Next Week: We reach the Centennial

gellaho

Until then, "Nuts!"

FancyShark

Have a great night, everybody!

gellaho

https://youtu.be/72SHSbttJ3E

Brendan

I must be the only one who enjoyed this book. I guess nobody buy my books if we want to stay friends.

Jerkfoot Javo

Taking that