99: Kent Montana and the Really Ugly Thing from Mars Lionel Fenn

FancyShark

Or fingers

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Or head butthole.

GDC

Just use the deadlights, IT.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Or ears.

FancyShark

Nostrils

gellaho

Meanwhile, Kent and Chita are arguing about helping people. Lionel forgot who was on which side of that argument earlier, so he accidentally switches them

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

you're an actor and whatever the writer landed on Chita's profession was, what the fuck are you gonna do

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

"CHITA THINKS YOUR DICK IS WEIRD, SPACE MAN!"

FancyShark

Chita is so turned on right now

gellaho

Then he compares her to his dad

gellaho

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

I call bullshit, the nuns have impeccable taste in pornography.

You just couldnt get them to share it with you, Kent.

FancyShark

Wouldn't it be hilarious if he fucked a nun? How about multiple?

What's that? It wouldn't?

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

oh god there was a named nun earlier and she's probably gonna show up again

Brendan

Remind me how they're trying to help again.

There's nobody here except armies and opportunists.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

By making the soldiers horny.

So they defend their country better.

Standard practice for USO shows since 1917.

You cant give the Kaiser what for with a softie, now can you?

gellaho

Lionel Fenn chooses actions haphazardly and quickly

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

what the fuck?

FancyShark

What the actual fuck

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Hahahahah I love that her problem is hes an aristo parasite and not that he didnt even ask her to marry him yet.

GDC

Someting something Hispanic hysteria?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Also "forking" job.

FancyShark

Did we skip, like, five chapters?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Her job? Making forks.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

do you think 5 more chapters of introducing characters and fuck-all happening would give you one iota of context?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

She works at the Fork Barn.

gellaho

This is resolved by him hitting her in the head with his chin

FancyShark

It'd be more than we've gotten!

gellaho

And it's in town now I guess

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

This is like if a Godzilla movie had zoomed in on some random dipshits who never........oh wait that is a literal movie.

FancyShark

We've somehow gone from inciting incident to climax without any of the story

gellaho

I like that you think this has a plot structure

GDC

A balrog of morgoth is come.

gellaho

Chapter 2 begins with Benny deciding to bury MaryLou

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

well, he did name this part in a way that would give us certain Expectations(tm)

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

So when does IT become giant and be instantly destroyed by Leopardon's Sword Vigor?

gellaho

Seems like too much time must have passed before this? Probably, but what is time, really

GDC

Her last name is an allusion to her purpose in the narrative.

Brendan

More of a burden than a crutch.

FancyShark

MaryLou Load was too on-the-nose

gellaho

Yeah, sure, what?

FancyShark

That's not...

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

um.........what?!

why........

Brendan

Is that like irony?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Fuck you Lionel.

FancyShark

Fine, screw it. Your whole world is trash anyway, Lionel

Brendan

So it's four styles.

gellaho

And this is in the woods, is it?

GDC

Sounds like a house a 6 year old made in Minecraft

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

see what I mean with how poor formatting makes this read like fucking nonsense?

FancyShark

The opulent recluse manor in the New Jersey woods

gellaho

This makes less sense then the Castle-Laboratory Lazarus Clinic in The Hardy Boys Casefiles #4: The Lazarus Plot

And that's saying something

Brendan

But still more sense than Spy School

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

it would be more realistic if it was just the fucking Batcave

gellaho

Hey, good news

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

even bad writing ain't enough to kill MaryLou

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Oh thank God, Benny is just an idiot and cant take a pulse.

gellaho

Time for some bad puns

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

holy shit

FancyShark

Do it

DO IT

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

YEAH!

gellaho

And lazy song references, great

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

MaryLou got to the afterlife, read how the rest of the book was turning out, and came back for revenge

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

hahahahah maybe "Please dont cut me!" would have been better my guy.

A bowie knife is pretty good for opening up roustabouts tho, Mary Lou has impeccable taste in weapons.

gellaho

Luckily, the bloody body of John Smith shows up

gellaho

gellaho

How'd he get bloody? Who knows

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Probably saw a bobcat and ran.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

even Mary Lou can't dull Lionel thinking he's so goddamn clever with these names

FancyShark

cough "You've got...raccoons..." <falls over>

gellaho

Time for some torture

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

John Smith also thinks she looks like Sigourney Weaver

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Mayhaps if John wasnt such a suspicious weirdo he'd not keep getting these reactions.

gellaho

"That is pretty dumb"

GDC

Benny, you couldn't tell if she was dead.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

also, benny, you came here because she's fuckign loaded, why would she care about selling fucking spaceship parts

FancyShark

Lionel, you just covered more of the narrative in that paragraph than in all the book leading up to it

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

I dunno maybe she needs more grenade money

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

and how the fuck does Benny know about the army presence anyway? he's been in the woods dragging a woman's body around

FancyShark

I'm imagining all of the events are within 20 feet of each other

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

sci-fi writers have no sense of scale

gellaho

Hey, look, Lucian. Haven't seen you in seventy pages

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

"Lionel, having everything happen within earshot of everything else isnt what "tight plot" means."

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

braid?

gellaho

Oh, that fucking sucks

Brendan

This is the book you write imagining you'll do Airplane! for King novels.

FancyShark

At this point, it's just a relief the alien didn't intercept anything by Al Jolson

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Wait til it starts hollering Archie Bunker lines.

gellaho

And Wagoneer dies

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

I could see this being played for horror if it started stalking one of the characters while slowly whistling the Andy Griffith Show theme

FancyShark

That'd be actually creepy

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

also I can't tell if there's 2 monsters or if the author just has no concept of an established timeline of events

gellaho

He decides his final conversation should be about cuckolding

FancyShark

I can't tell what the alien is supposed to look like since Lionel won't settle on a definite physical description

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

I think it has tentacles? and at least one eye for lasers

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

I was hoping hed say "I was in the closet, I like to watch."

gellaho

But, Lionel knows what you really want right now

Another new character!

FancyShark

It's supposed to be ugly. Tentacles are not ugly. They're just accessories

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Six page poem about the color purple on the horizon.

FancyShark

DAMMIT!

gellaho

A suspicious amount of this book is about infidelity, Lionel

gellaho

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

000000000000000000

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

wasn't Phyllis a nun?

FancyShark

No, Phyllis was the preacher's wife

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

or am I confusing her with the other nun because they're both religious

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

cat has a poor opinion of lionels writing.

FancyShark

Smart cat

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

cat has good taste

gellaho

He's got phone bits

FancyShark

"You took shrooms again, didn't you?"

gellaho

"Do you think she'll step on me?" - Lionel Fenn

gellaho

I know you were thinking there needed to be another character

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

"No, Horace, nobody cares because potassium is boring."

FancyShark

Do it, lady. One of these Strong Female Characters needs to kill the dweeb they're with

gellaho

The Whore and The Scientist, Fridays this fall on ABC

FancyShark

I'd watch

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

They.........do?

Chita..........do they have that?

I dont think they do.

FancyShark

It's a baseball bat

gellaho

Casopia's Fuck-Palace

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Damn.

gellaho

Listing verbs is a joke, right?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Fuckin hurry up and die Kent.

FancyShark

Okay, I know it's supposed to be a town. But this is what comes to mind every time they say Gander Mountain

gellaho

How? Why?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

God I hate you and that you are the protagonist of FOUR GODDAM BOOKS.

FancyShark

ALL mirrors?

It must be a horror show when you have to poop

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Cute? Is fuckmirrors cute?!

GDC

It is not cute to see yourself shitting from every angle

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Makes shaving hard to reach areas a snap tho.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Most of us just have a hand mirror if we have to check on the hemorrhoids or whatever.

gellaho

Lionel says fuck it and switches Kent and Chita again

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

No more balancing on the sink to shave your butthole.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Though it would make it way easier to cut my own hair.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Yeah Chita? What are those priorities?

Cos you seem to not know, its okay to just admit you dont know because the author is a fuckwit.

FancyShark

It is mind-numbing how badly structured this story is

gellaho

Meanwhile

FancyShark

The major doesn't have a penis! Gasp!

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

FUCK OFF LIONEL

"Major Settbach"

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Ironass Settbach is a good name for a Bond girl but not a human woman, fuck you Lionel.

Worse than Pussy Galore, Pussy is a treasure and we didnt appreciate her enough.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

you couldn't write this bad on purpose

FancyShark

If you name your daughter Ironass and you're not part of the Imperium, you lose your sex organs. By law.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

They get vaporized by a diverse group of people from all ethnicities and gender presentations.

gellaho

Later

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

"Ironass" is how you tell the world you didnt want kids, much less a daughter.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

what

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Wait shes already fucking Arthur?!

GDC

Panda of the pampas sounds like it's racist against ethnicities I don't know exist.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

BECAUSE HORSE?!

FancyShark

Which woman?!

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Aparrently Major Settbach?!

gellaho

Casopia loads up on fuck trophies

gellaho

gellaho

Her actual name is Wendy

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

Wendy Settbach somehow sounds even more offensive than Ironass

FancyShark

Casopia fucked the entire National Guard, by the looks of it

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Fuck yeah Cassie has pikes?!

GDC

Is "general and I got a little rank" supposed to be a pun?

gellaho

Sure, that's a thing someone might say

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Hah. All you had to do in the 90s to get an arsenal was give a handjob to a quartermaster and you could drive off with a dump truck full of ordnance.

A bazooka, Hooker? What are you, from 1930?

I bet she has a cache of RPG-7s she got from blowing Gorbachev.

gellaho

That's the end of Chapter 3

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

who the fuck is Baron?!

oh wait it's supposed to be Kent, I guess

gellaho

I want to get through Part II, so we'll have to push through Chapter 4

Done

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

lol

FancyShark

👏

gellaho

Oh, and 4a

gellaho

Because why not

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

BOOOOOOOO LIONEL TERRY PRATCHETT DID IT BETTER!

FancyShark

FFS, Lionel. You had a good joke

gellaho

So that's the end of The Plot I guess

GDC

A good editor would have something to say about that.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

what plot?!

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

I missed most of it, did they meet any aliens yet?

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

kind of

FancyShark

The alien killed some people and two groups have taken refuge in houses in different locations

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Yeah if by "meet" you count "a New Jersey cowboy got his head torn off."

FancyShark

And a Colonel got stabbed or gutted or something

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

And the Major turned out to be a Major Hottie.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

Sounds about typical

Maybe not that last one

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

And is.......eloping with the guy who runs the Chinese buffet\pizzeria?

Or just using him for horse based transport?

FancyShark

I think she was just trying to get a car to head to the crash site

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

I feel like she didnt need to drag a horny Chinese man along for that but whatever.

GDC

This guy also talks like Gomez Addams and dresses like an anime character.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

it took us 7 chapters and mostly all that's happened is about 30 characters got introduced and moved to Next Location

I think 2 may have actually died

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Shes gonna establish a kingdom on that mountain after the alien destroys Washington DC and have all the Peking Duck she wants.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

I see I have a lot of scrolling up to do.

FancyShark

The Good Character is still alive. Who knows how long because the writer's a fucking idiot

gellaho

To be continued next week

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

He had us going there for a while.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

also the book's title is a fucking lie

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Im still glad hes fuckin dead.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

it's "really ugly" yet we have no description of the monster

FancyShark

Thank you, @gellaho ! This book hurts, but it's great to read with you all!

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

They say you hurt the ones you love, and tonight we all wish Gellaho didnt love us quite so much.

gellaho

So pauses the 99th Edition of The Book Cage

GDC

That was a long time where nothing happened. Thanks for suffering with me, everyone.

gellaho

So, the Year of Pain has been...painful

'But the 100th Episode is coming up

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

I have literally wasted less time getting high and watching grass grow

gellaho

I probably should have done something for that

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

but fun time riffing on this nonsense

gellaho

Oh well

Wait

https://youtu.be/72SHSbttJ3E

FancyShark

:yeeeeeshark:

OH MY GOD YES!

YEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

YOU DID ANOTHER ONE!

FUCK YEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS

:sharkparty:

You are the best, @gellaho

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

It was nice to have Fancy Shark back, there was a dearth of emojis last week.

FancyShark

Daww, thanks! I missed you all!

More importantly, WOOOOO! ANOTHER GELLAHO HARDY BOYS MOVIE!!!!!!!

Brendan

Well I'm enjoying this book, but that probably says something about me.

Namely I'm from the '80s.

FancyShark

It has the ingredients for a fun story. The writing and pacing is just all over the place

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

all the right ingredients, except the ingredients have all expired

Jerkfoot Javo

We do not deserve gellaho

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

We definitely deserve Lionel tho.

GDC

And if we're being honest, I tailor my comments to solicit @FancyShark emojis.

Fatamatician: The Curator

OMG!!!

VictorianEraCadreTommys🖤🖤

@gellaho is just a great treasure to this discord

gellaho

The Book Cage: Episode 99.5 - Kent Montana and the Really Ugly Thing From Mars (Cont'd)

Before the glory of The Book Cage Episode 100, you must first complete the gauntlet. We have met The Players, we have seen The Plot, and we have read Chapters 4 and 4a. Only 100 more characters and thousands of bad jokes to get through! For your rewards, you must overcome pain this Friday, 5pm eastern.

gellaho

Octo

I also recently learned that his wife was an early artist at Marvel and also Holy Crap Good at drawing' super peeps

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

I'm going to be so fucking sad if Kent Montana needs a third caging to wrap up.

gellaho

A little under an hour until Kent Montana and the Really Ugly Thing From Mars continues. We will resume with Part III

gellaho

In case you forgot where we paused, here's a helpful reminder

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

Oh god. Oh Jesus Christ.

Episode 100 can't come soon enough.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

be honest with us gellaho, what page are we on and how many pages are in the book

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

Stretching this out for three parts might legally be a war crime.

FancyShark

He's already got ep 100 scheduled for next week. Evil dies tonight

Brendan

Ep 99-Omega: The Horrible Thing at Gander Pond

iT

Is

TiiiIIiiIIiiIiIiMMME

FancyShark

Let's GOOOOO!

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

Jesus walk with us.

gellaho

Hasn't really mentioned that it's from Mars yet

FancyShark

Lazy writing

gellaho

That doesn't sound like Lionel

Part names don't have to make sense, right?

FancyShark

He must think he's writing this out like a list of the things you need for a sci-fi movie

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Lionel, be honest. You are adapting a script here, and you meant this to be like a comedic sci fi B movie.

Except you fucked it and arent funny.

gellaho

In summary: The sky turned red.

FancyShark

EPIC redhead

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

When Gaia herself is a redhead.

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

Ah, the Canadian wildfires finally hit Gander Pond, too.

FancyShark

Blood moon means all the dead characters come back

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

And then he'll list them again! NOOOOOO!!

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

love to start a chapter with an attention grabbing quote and then not explain who the fuck said it for an entire page

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

Must have been the wind

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

I dont remember a single character from this book from last time.

I feel like there might be a Ron?

FancyShark

I remember the gun lady and the bartender lady and the soldier lady and the guy who got his head ripped off

Brendan

Whole lot of MoRons

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

like a couple dozen characters got introduced, 2 got killed off, and the alien quotes shitty old movies

that's it

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

Gonna be real I am not saving any space in my brain for these schlubs

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

that's all that's happened

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

I remember things happening just not anyones name.

gellaho

See if you can catch Lionel's subtle Freddy Kruger joke

gellaho

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Also some of them are horny.

gellaho

Some?

FancyShark

Well, yeah. Some aren't horny cuz they're dead or Kent