99: Kent Montana and the Really Ugly Thing from Mars Lionel Fenn

GDC

Pictured: Vicious John Smith predators.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

GIF

Terrifying.

LyraV

They are about to rip the arm holding that phone right off.

gellaho

Citrus superiority

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Also John isnt homeless, he has a little cottage in Gander Pond, hes just living that freegan lifestyle.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

Lionel Fenn "write a likable character" challenge, difficulty: impossible

gellaho

Hey, guess what?

FancyShark

All of this because he has the default white guy name

GDC

This guy is described like a cartoon hobo

Where's his bindle?

gellaho

Officer Cartoon at your service

FancyShark

Finally, someone with dignity

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

GIF

I think John just has a real problem with animals and should go back to Long Island.

He can be angry at seagulls and pigeons and shit.

FancyShark

The pigeons will take his kidneys

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

He doesnt need them, his blood supply is 70 percent piss anyway.

gellaho

Comedy is hard

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

"Oh im not arresting you. Im going to set the car on fire and tell everyone you did it."

FancyShark

Abbott and Costello as written by a used napkin

gellaho

Onto the next player, Italiana Pizzapie

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

Lionel Fenn "write dialog people would actually say" challenge, difficulty: impossible

GDC

What's this guy got against Italians?

FancyShark

Credit where due, few people would call a woman's mustache "seductive"

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

It's because Sophie Pizza runs the local spaghet' joint and the money is good.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

Ah yes that famously Italian last name Chong

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

It's an Italian thing.

gellaho

Enjoy your sweet and sour fettuccine

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Okay but this does sound like a sweet restaurant.

GDC

I hope it's a mural of Bruce Lee fighting Genghis Khan

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

Too cool for this book

GDC

That nephew should be painting vans.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Rad decor, and you can get honey walnut chicken and pizza in the same place.

gellaho

Magical woks, amorous gonads

Brendan

We smell like garlic.

Now ask me about my Scottish heritage OCH AYE

FancyShark

hahaha, the amorous Italian. What fun stereotypes are!

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Im on Arthurs side here, hot Italian wife, happy life.

Brendan

...munificent like money?

GDC

What he's getting at is, Arthur nuts in the food

gellaho

So random, amirite

Brendan

Well I'll be. Munificent is an appropriate adjective.

gellaho

He's Chinese, excuse you. And dressed like a priest for no reason

GDC

Some kind of pirate-priest?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Arthur rules, he's like three different characters in a Hong Kong movie.

Brendan

Artie Chong: Philandering Chef

Are we sure the monster in this book isn't from our universe?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

He has a pump action shotgun and two SMGs under the cash register.

gellaho

Incomprehensible

FancyShark

"To keep the flies down"

Brendan

It's nice that they're keeping the fires lit.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

A man can't stir fry with full balls, Sophie.

FancyShark

I hope they do this in full view of the customers. At full volume.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

You'll burn them in the oil.

GDC

Wish.com gomez addams

gellaho

Just utter madness

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Ewww Sordette. Thats how you get a yeast infection.

FancyShark

"I guess he really fucks anything that moves. Damn my Moorish blood!"

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Who hasnt fed a polticians wife with their toes?

gellaho

"Fuck you for giving me a house, dad!"

Brendan

He hurts me with his wandering kink, but alas, I am a stereotype.

GDC

Sordette Biletto is an even more Bobson Dugnutt name than the last one.

FancyShark

You're not going to get a decent return on the house if you salt the ground

Brendan

Look, we're clearly playing by the rules of this book's universe. I've written like this, I'm unable to judge and condemn.

gellaho

✅ Redhead

✅ Redhead

✅ Redhead

Brendan

Yeah but how are the mayor's wife's feet

Like, would you eat water chestnuts out of them?

FancyShark

Janis panics every time tax brackets are mentioned

GDC

Oh good, now some cartoon rich people to go with the cartoon cop and cartoon hobo

Brendan

James + Eunice = Janis

gellaho

Infidelity is hilarious, especially with no second thing

gellaho

Brendan

Look, the '80s weren't a period of subtle art.

FancyShark

This was 1990

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

Somewhere within the purple flash Dolemite is screaming "WHERE'S CAVALETTI KEEPIN' MY GIRLS"

GDC

They thought of calling herJeunice but realized she wouldn't be allowed into any country clubs.

gellaho

I'm sure this next player will have a nice, normal name

Shit

Brendan

All that means is the rain jackets were day-glo yellow nylon sliding into teal.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

1990 is just 1989 2: Electric Boogaloo

FancyShark

Oh good. A prostitute. I'm sure the book will give her some self-respect

gellaho

No, not prostitute

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

Fucking--

If you wanted to name her Cassiopeia, you could have at least let her go by Cassie to keep it simple. The fuck is a Casopia?

FancyShark

Even better!

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

Isn't it that thing in the middle of most car consoles from the 90s?

gellaho

Gumpers: Fuck Monster

GDC

No I think it's one of those little electronic keyboards.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Oh shes a hillbilly with class but her parents dont have the citified ways to spell proper.

gellaho

She's just too good at fuckin!

Brendan

You're thinking of 1984. 1990 gave us Breakin' 3: Electric Reconstruction.

Today's book is a real callback to today's article.

gellaho

And also one of her husbands disappeared, which is a joke?

Question mark?

FancyShark

Sure?

I guess unsolved disappearances are funny

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Probly died of fuck exhaustion

GDC

She was so good at fucking he died

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

in the woods or maybe the ocean.

Brendan

I like the implication that she's some kind of Fuck Hulk that gets smarter the more sexually serviced she gets.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

its real common.

Brendan

Like in Species.

Fucked the brains right into her head.

gellaho

Lionel Fenn hasn't just never spoken with another human being, I'm not convinced he's ever even observed another human being

FancyShark

So we need to look out for the Alfred Molina character

He has, from the back of a bus or from a nearby shrub

Brendan

Let him die happy.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Sooooo shes.......upset because....... Nobody is using her holes right now?

gellaho

An honest-to-God "I need a vacation"

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

Men really had no conception of womens' thoughts until like, five years ago, huh

GDC

Does she usually conduct her transactions in complete silence?

gellaho

To be fair, he also doesn't understand men

FancyShark

I'm starting to think Lionel is just rerolling characters until he finds one worth following

gellaho

You know how nuns wear plaid

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

the Traveler gambit

If his name wasn't on the cover Kent would definitely be the character that fucking died in the middle of character creation

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Give the sister a chance, Cassie. Nuns love to fuck.

FancyShark

Kneel before Vorth

Brendan

Kent's real name cannot possibly raise an eyebrow in this world.

gellaho

Ah, the unsalted peanut seduction. A classic technique

gellaho

No, only wacky names like John Smith

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

A wise man once sang "only the good die young"

Brendan

Prostitutes don't kiss because it's too intimate and also their breath smells like stale peanuts.

gellaho

Beatific

gellaho

But the scent of a Bloody Mary is so arousing! Tomato juice? Sexy

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Thats how a nun tells you she is DTF

FancyShark

That means she wants any spare change you have

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

this is the most awkward lesbian pick-up line

GDC

"set you back onto the path of awakening" is a euphemism

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

she'll suck them up her holes and shoot them back out in any denomination you desire!

Brendan

TBH a Bloody Mary in the evening sounds like guaranteed reflux so same joke but more.

gellaho

Just madness

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

...torso-swing?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

The old Seattle.Heartburn, tomato juice and cum reflux

FancyShark

Sister Lillian appears to be batshit insane

gellaho

Might as well add some more weirdo religious characters. Don't have enough yet

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

jesus christ we're still introducing characters

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

I don't blame the nun for laughing tbh. If it looked like the fucking rapture was happening outside and I had to deal with the passive aggro draw of being Catholic for my whole life I'd be a little smug, too.

FancyShark

Lionel, at some point, you need to have a narrative for the characters to do things in

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Fuuuuüuuuck.

gellaho

And they're done

gellaho

Next

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

oh my god this is going to be a two part Caging isn't it.

if we're lucky.

gellaho

Hey, Ben

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

oh my god a real fucking name that isn't some weird joke about how boring it is

FancyShark

Too Many Cooks didn't have this many characters!

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Its just a little porny, but not too much.

gellaho

Krutch

Brendan

This book doesn't need two mediterranean beauties OR two religious wingnuts.

The only way it differentiates them is by their moustaches.

FancyShark

This is Cocktails, but dumber

Waaaaaaay dumber

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

if the rest of this novel was just introducing characters while the actual narrative was background noise I would almost have some respect for this author

gellaho

Well, at least he's likable

Brendan

Not by the end, no.

GDC

Do people not keep their savings in banks in this universe?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Oh thank god Benny is just a burglar.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

if we get done with introducing characters and the next chapter is titled "Cocktails" this will have been the greatest set-up to punchline in hotdog history

gellaho

This is a very long paragraph. Especially when it doesn't explain her wealth at all

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Tho maybe not a good one if hes doing b&es in backwoods new Jersey

FancyShark

He's putting a lot of faith in someone not spending money meaning they have money to spend

gellaho

I hope you are in the mood for wacky hijinks

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Yeah i think ol Mary Lou might just be poor.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

and that they'd keep said money in their house as oppposed to say, a bank

FancyShark

Okay, Mary Lou fucking rules

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

why the fuck is this book not about Mary Lou

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

"Krutch is my husband's name, my maiden name is Rambo"

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Its 1990 and women werent allowed to be main characters and rad without special permits.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

it's kind of impressive, in its own way, that Mary Lou has had less than a paragraph of introduction and yet has stolen all our hearts

gellaho

The classic, "Are you a stud" interrogation

gellaho

FancyShark

uh oh

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

goddamn you Fenn don't you ruin this character for me

we had one

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

My guy its that time. You have to fuck like your life depends on it.

its easier than youd think with a live grenade in your ass.

gellaho

Continuing that bit

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

the ticking clock element makes it more erotic

gellaho

"Do you think she'd step on me?" - Lionel Fenn

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

oh lord, and she's a misanthrope too. it's like she was made for this discord.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

just if you hear the ping before you nut you need to run.

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

yeah, save Mary Lou by running the grenade away

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

it's the 90s so I'm picturing Sigourney Weaver

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

its the gentlemanly thing to do.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Lucy Lawless is also a fine.choice even if its a bit early for Xena.

FancyShark

Linda Hamilton works too

gellaho

Lionel Fenn decides to give up on that and take a ninety degree turn

Brendan

Benny the Gigolo and Casopia are going to fall in love and elopia

FancyShark

Aaaaaand MaryLou lost me

Brendan

Mark this, the last time a Republican accused a billionaire of hoarding wealth to the detriment of society.

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

with the idea of "communist cat burglar", Fenn invents the ideal career path of most millennials and zoomers well ahead of his time

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Aw hell yeah Mary Lou is a comrade if not all that bright.

gellaho

Oh, wait, Lionel Fenn decides to give up and go back

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

hahaha fuck yeah Mary Lou, style on this punk bitch

FancyShark

Nevermind, she won me back

gellaho

Shut up and die right

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Beating his ass to the tune of Solidarity Forever.

FancyShark

Quit playing with my heart, book

gellaho

And now, you have met The players

FancyShark

Sure, IT might as well talk like a stereotype

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

holy shit. The Mexican Revolution was run by aliens this whole time!!!

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

jesus even with context this barely makes any sense

gellaho

Anyway, Chapter 2

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

that's not problematic and racist at all!!

AUGH

CHAPTER TWO

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Cool. iT kearned English from watching John Wayne movies.

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

WE'RE ONLY ON CHAPTER TWO

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

what self-respecting scot would belly-ache this much

FancyShark

Chita works in some hardcore bars

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Hot take, Scotland is overrated, its just Bumpy England.

dr

I LEFT FOR LIKE 90 FUCKING MINUTES WHAT THE HELL

gellaho

The unmistakable black fur of an unmasked raccoon

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

you missed our fucking Game of Thrones-sized cast being introduced

gellaho

Purple

FancyShark

🟪

Great dialogue transcends the bonds of time

gellaho

Have a list

GDC

oh no, his stuff!

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

all I got out of this is that this dude has the tackiest fucking apartment even by 90s standards

FancyShark

Who hasn't wanted a double-elephant jade lamp?

GDC

What is a double elephant lamp? Does it have 4 tusks?

Is it made from 4 tusks?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Double barrelled dick.

FancyShark

I think it's two full-sized elephants, encased in jade, with a dimmer switch

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Well at least they stopped talking about purple, and where it is and its potential purplosity.

Brendan

Damn, all of his expensive electronic equipment that's about to be replaced by flat, compact, and portable versions...gone.

GDC

I just realized all the alien purple stuff is stolen from the first level of bart vs. the space mutants for the NES.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

"NOOOO MY WALKMAN!"

gellaho

Lionel now revealing that he's into teeth

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

"MY PRECIOUS TRAPPER KEEPER WITH LISA FRANK STICKERS!"

dr

I'd wager I won't be sad if this entire cast dies

gellaho

She talks into his mouth

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Damn Kent's dick must dispense chocolate or something because this woman is HORNT UP.

FancyShark

You might mourn MaryLou. She whips ass, although she's not the brightest

FancyShark

It's the Glenn Miller effect

gellaho

He considers punching her in the head

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

What kind of asshole from Scotland lives in New Jersey and wears cowboy boots?!

Brendan

Kent's a bit materialistic.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

"Its your dick, I mean. I was talking about your dick."

gellaho

Photograph?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

"I have seen many a dick, is what I was getting at."

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

how fucking big is this guy's apartment if he's got fifteen feet from floor to ceiling

FancyShark

Pics of King Tut doing a keg stand at spring break

Brendan

Socialization has lied to women about nobles not needing to be killed on sight.

GDC

Specifically this pic

Brendan

What even is a baron

FancyShark

I think it's the lobby

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

I will forgive this book if it somehow turns into a novelization of Bubba Ho Tep.

gellaho

So wacky

Brendan

I get lords. Duchies and baronets? Now that's just silly.

Probably something the Scottish made up.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

this is the most English sounding scotsman I've ever seen

GDC

I hate everyone in this book

FancyShark

So Kent's entire schtick is "cluttered"

gellaho

"Do you like hearing about my belches, milady?"

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

How broke do you have to be when someones worthless custom car is your only option for a ride?

FancyShark

You can hear her drying up as he talks

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Oh no she loves a farty gentleman.

Shes gonna slip right out of that seatbelt and hurtle thru the windshield if he brakes too quick.

gellaho

They find it surprising that the government has some say on the explosion

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

Oh thank god, the colonial marines have showed up to bail Mary Lou out from this shitshow

FancyShark

They moved fast

Brendan

YA author: She folded her arms

gellaho

Beev

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

I think I missed why they decided to go on a joyride at this time of night after a meteorite blew out their apartment building

Brendan

Adult author: She folded her arms beneath/across her breasts, pressing them together/flatter, in a way that Kent couldn't help but notice.

FancyShark

To...help?

Oh, okay. The alien talks in old TV show transmissions

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

wouldn't normal people like, go to a hospital or something? Kent was injured yeah?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Kent did it to avoid sex, Chita is coming because she likes being fucked by gassy men in the woods.

FancyShark

That's fucking stupid

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

And not the first time some asshole had that idea.

gellaho

"Hooker," he said shyly

Brendan

This is a screwball comedy masking as a Tom Robbins novel masking as a Stephen King story.