99: Kent Montana and the Really Ugly Thing from Mars Lionel Fenn

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

it's only not stupid if the alien turns into a yellow camaro, then it's a multi-million dollar cash cow

gellaho

Wakka wakka

GDC

That costs extra, sister

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

NICK HOOKER! SHY PRIVATE EYE!

FancyShark

He'll crack any case! If that's okay!

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

I'm pretty sure by description this is John Smith using an alias

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Nicodemus Hooker is a pretty solid New England\northeast name too.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

unless ugly yellow shirts are all the rage

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Its the 90s. So yeah ugly shirts were king.

GDC

Probably had a bunch of saved by the bell scribbles on them

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

yellow shirt, white pants/shoes, lavender sports jacket? this man is dressed like a marshmallow peep

gellaho

The midst of a lifelong dream, said the nerd

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Zac Morris lookin motherfucker.

Brendan

My boy Parker Lewis disagrees

FancyShark

If this all leads up to a Flying Purple People Eater joke, I may become violent

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Okay is "lifelong dream" his way of saying "saving it for marriage?"

gellaho

I bet you love that he's still introducing characters

GDC

She's still trying to hustle even after a purple explosion, gotta respect that

No, we finished the character introducing chapter

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Cockthirst is abated by nothing.

FancyShark

Keep introducing characters. A new one every scene. Make it flow like a beat-em-up game

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Shed still fuck him if he was a religious nut, she just needs to know so she can prepare for the weird stuff.

gellaho

Trigonometric fuckin

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

When the fuck does OK USA guy show up

FancyShark

Sexily applying quantum physics

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

does this guy think Casopia is a realy name or did he just for get how to spell Cassiopeia

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

"My dick is both a particle and a wave, baby."

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

damn I've never seen a guy achieve light speed in bed

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

My bet is he read some Discworld and shes a Magrat.

gellaho

On drive to the summit, Hooker hulks out

gellaho

GDC

He seems about that unoriginal

gellaho

Oh nuts

FancyShark

Oh shitnuts

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

"Are you implying that this mysterious purple explosion is ALIENS?! THJAT MAKES NICK MAD! NICK SMAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH! BUT NOT SEXUALLY!"

hahahahahah Cassie got in the car with the UFO guy, they'll be lucky to find her skin.

gellaho

She is the horniest creature on Earth

GDC

Has anyone ever done a good bit about mistaking space aliens with illegal aliens, other than Aliens?

dr

Without quotes, "oh shit, she thought" reads as the narrator

FancyShark

Even Aliens didn't quite nail it

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Fuckin Tokyo Drifting down the New Jersy mountain roads and yelling about reptoids as she gets wetter and wetter.

gellaho

Sick roadblock, dudes!

FancyShark

FIRE!

DO IT!

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

SHOOT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SHOOT! HE HAS A WOMAN!

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

so are all our characters gonna hop into cars and land at the same roadblock that seemed to materialize about 3 nanoseconds after IT landed?

gellaho

And now for other horny characters

FancyShark

And then it'll be Chapter 3!

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

okay this guy has definitely read Discworld

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Horny Twoflower. Nice.

gellaho

That's a plan that doesn't make any fucking sense, but what else is new

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Never underestimate the fact that its always a good time for Chinese\Italian fusion.

FancyShark

You do know you can have people investigate because they're curious, right, Lionel? You don't have to map out every neuron spark required to make them get to that point.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

hey it's all noodles at some point right?

GDC

I thought that was word salad until i remembered new jersey is called the garden state for some reason

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Like no shit, if someone offered me a pizza with some kind of stir fried soy sauce chicken? I'd eat that shit up.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

reminds me of an 8th grade writing prompt on how we had to meticulously write out instructions for making a PB&J

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Stop giving CPR to the motherfuckers, stop digging thru the rubble. Its dinnertime.

gellaho

Do you like past tense verbs? Do you think a list of them is a joke? Then do I have a writer for you!

FancyShark

Someone had a page quota, it seems

GDC

This seems like Douglas Adams style wordplay, if he had a stroke

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Ohhhhhhhh right I almost forgot we had a Jim Bakker type.

gellaho

Another plan that makes no sense, sure

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Think about the aliens we can covert to the Gospel, Phil.

Aliens need Jesus so bad, Phil.

FancyShark

WE. GET. IT. LIONEL. They're all going to investigate the weird purple light. MOVE ON.

gellaho

IT

gellaho

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

this is someone's call of cthulhu campaign they hastily rewrote into a lawyer-friendly novel

FancyShark

Remember how one of the blurbs about this book was how Lionel "turns every trope on its head"? That was cute.

GDC

It reminds me of a stephen king book, I forget what it was called

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

This is the most boring Delta Green campaign book ever.

FancyShark

Tommyknockers?

gellaho

You have to hear about John first

gellaho

OK, done

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

I've seen SCP articles better written than this. And some of them didn't even use words.

gellaho

I bet you can't guess what Chapter 3 brings

More characters!

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

Pain

FancyShark

NOOOO!

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

HE HASN'T EVEN KILLED ANY OF THE EXISTING CAST YET

FancyShark

Lionel, I'm begging you, have some kind of a story!

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

this man is singlehandedly making me root for climate change

bring on depopulation

also Master Sargent Wagoneer is not a name

gellaho

Just wanted to repeat this name

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

dude, when fucking Gundam has more realistic names for its characters you might wanna re-examine some shit

and that's a series with a villain named Full Frontal

gellaho

Just what you want in a military man

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

soldiers are famous for how little they are around dead bodies

FancyShark

He has PTSD from a game of Red Rover

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Hey uh............dude? Its 1990, this dude has never been anywhere near a body, its not even Desert Storm for a few weeks.

This guys only PSTD comes from jacking off in the bathrooms at Ft. Hood.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

with a face like Vincent DiNofrio the whole time

gellaho

Arthur found a cowboy I guess

gellaho

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

reminder that we're in New Jersey and not New Mexico

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Oh god please dont tell me the alien is a shapeshifter and is doing like a fuckin Lone Ranger and His Pet Asian thing.

Kung Fu and Green Hornet alone are going to give the space travellers such a wrong impression.

Oh fuck and then imagine when they pull into orbit and start accessing the internet.

gellaho

Hey, guess what?

They all leave

FancyShark

HAHAHA

Fuck you, Lionel

gellaho

So that was a great use of time, right?

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

3 chapters in we are still introducing characters and we're literally still in the middle of the inciting incident

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

So is this guy dead? I like to know if I need to wish for their death or for them to be cast into the Pit.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

competent writers would have killed at least one person by now if only to shake things up

died in 2006

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Thank fuck.

FancyShark

Good

We should be mocking a dead man

gellaho

Meanwhile, John encounters tentacles

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

I hope when he got to the afterlife they showed him this and said "This is your legacy and why your afterlife will involve light torment."

"Not forever and it wont be that bad. But you wont have a good time either."

FancyShark

His punishment is to read his books

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

it's like someone read The Colour Out of Space but thought it needed like three times the characters and eleven times the """""comedy"""""

gellaho

I mean, someone is dead

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

And always have to pee but never actually pee.

gellaho

But you're not going to like it

FancyShark

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

FUCK

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GOD IS DEAD!

FancyShark

Fine. This means we're free now. There's nothing holding us back.

GDC

Well the slap test is foolproof.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Lionel you dead son of a bitch, I hope Noel Cowards ghost is eating your fuckin dick.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

MaryLou left the book before it got any worse

GDC

Why introduce the hard ass prepper only to kill her off?

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

so that our protagonist can find her money as a reward later

FancyShark

It's probably going to end with a standoff on her property and they need guns

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

by pure happenstance

GDC

Chekhov's gun nut.

gellaho

IT has magic powers

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

:BB: :OOO: :OO:

gellaho

The signal is horse

FancyShark

IT is really dragging ass on the whole "death and destruction" thing

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

IT can fucking instantly comprehend shit but talks like Yakima Canut's stunt double?!

FancyShark

Mr. Ed quoting motherfucker

gellaho

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

GIF

FancyShark

GIF

GDC

Okay that's a Douglas Adams joke attempt.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

this book isn't funny enough to have earned even the attempt

gellaho

Lionel really likes this Hooker bit

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Theres really nothing worse in a media thing than something trying and failing to be funny.

And fuck your goddam hooker jokes, Lionel.

If you are gonna disrespect sex workers then at least be funny.

gellaho

Mr Ex Player

FancyShark

It's true. We've said it before, but bad comedy is the worst. You can make dumb action, horror, any kind of drama fun even when it's bad. But bad comedy has nowhere to go

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

The Jallalabad Dicksuckers Union will hear of this, Lionel.

gellaho

Extra Player

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

Yule Brenner rises from his grave to seek out the descendents of Lionel Fenn

GDC

There's no good bad comedy.

GDC

Whoever called the Magrat thing wasn't far off.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Mamas, dont let your babies grow up to be DIPSHIT AUTHORS who write fucking cowboys into their alien shit in New Jersey.

FancyShark

You know the worst part?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Lionels mother should have drowned him and raised a litter of piglets instead.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

New Jersey is famous for its cowboys, in a way

FancyShark

There are four more Kent Montana books

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

you shut your goddamn mouth, don't bring that evil in here

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Why would you tell us something like that?!

gellaho

I hear you like bits

gellaho

gellaho

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

GIF

gellaho

gellaho

You can look forward to the invisible man book. I have it

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

3 chapters in and most of our cast has met and decided the alien crash landing was aliens

that's a fucking threat, gellaho

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

I feel very attacked right now, by this book.

GDC

All these jokes require us to accept that normal humans assume 'illegal aliens' instead of space aliens when someone doesn't specify, which is madness and only ever accomplished successfully on Aliens.

FancyShark

Book 5 is Cthulhu

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

I want to return to a simpler time, when Art and Sophie were having marital problems but getitng by.

Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺

How many sentences is that?

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

9

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

GIF

gellaho

Bits on bits

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

why couldn't they have all met up for some other reason and had the meteor crash land on them

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Scots are just Bumpy English and you know it, Kent.

FancyShark

Alien vessel crashed in the woods, but sure, let's stand in awe of an out-of-work actor

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

you know this was written by a guy from Jersey because the Scot didn't immediately take a swing at the cowboy for assuming he was English

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

I do like that the rural national guardsman or whatever is a fan of British soap operas.

Thats a decent joke in the hands of a competent writer, so of course Lionel blows it.

gellaho

Goodbye Extra Player, your stupid pun name foretold your demise

FancyShark

I'm okay with that death

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Sweet.

Yeah im on ITS side here.

gellaho

Hey, you guys kept asking for the plot, right?

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

of course we kill an extra first

not like we don't have 20 other fucking characters

gellaho

You've fallen directly into Lionel's trap

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

I think we switched to asking for a swift death.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

FUCK OFF

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

hahahahahahah

FancyShark

Oh hell

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

GIF

FancyShark

The absolute balls on this guy

gellaho

Back to chapter one

GDC

I hate this author so much.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Jakes is far superior.

FancyShark

Jakes knew how to kick up the pace

GDC

Jakes could write a plot that moved faster than a glacier.

gellaho

The Spanish were more subtle when they named a Greek guy "El Greco"

Brendan

What happened after the hooker met the Hooker?

FancyShark

Mostly nothing, then the alien pulled off a literal extra's head

GDC

Milos Athnos is the Greek Bobson Dugnutt.

gellaho

Jesus H Christ

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

I'd even take Mack, at least he gave us Rex Moran before he fucking ate shit.

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

what the fuck it's chapter one again????

did Thunder open some kind of time warp?!

FancyShark

Chapter 1 of Part II

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

oh god Ironass.

gellaho

Words

FancyShark

Part 2 is called "The Plot"

because Lionel is a monster

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

you can tell lionel is far too pleased with himself with these fucking word games

FancyShark

Goddammit, now he's ripping off Joseph Heller

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Um.........something really bad or really good has to happen to skip Colonel tho.

gellaho

IT was pleased

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Also you have to bribe a thousand gerontocrats and annoint yourself in the blood of the Mole Children before the altar of Ba'al, Who Is Lord.

FancyShark

If this book gets actually rad, I will feel so conflicted

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

I would be more pleased if we could get more head ripping.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

the cuts to the monster would be less jarring if I was punched in the face between paragraph breaks

gellaho

Meanwhile, Kent's red hair is turning... red?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Also if the alien doesnt become a ten foot tall hypermuscled clawed Ronald Reagan I will be even more disappointed.

FancyShark

That's a pretty specific ask

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

oh sure the Spanish is unintelligible but the Scot speaks "imaginative" English

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

You dont get what you dont ask for.

And its too much to ask the book be good.

GDC

Anglo-Saxon obscenities have a lot of characters I can't type on a phone.

gellaho

So, they get into a brawl

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

And Ronnie was on TV during the period the alien has absorbed so it seems like a reasonable connection.

FancyShark

@Brendan , I wasn't kidding. It was a lot of characters driving to the roadblock and then leaving. Then the alien pulled of the head of Mr Extra Player

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Fuck at some point Arthur is gonna try and stir fry that horse, huh? You just cant resist the stereotypes, Lionel.

FancyShark

"Her volatile Hispanic hysteria"

I'm glad you're dead, Lionel

GDC

We're not going to say anything about the volatile Hispanic hyster-fuck.

gellaho

Don't look now, but here's more incomprehensible comedy

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

how did this man star in 4 more books

FancyShark

There is a butler in The Tempest and he rules, Lionel

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Hes a fucking WIZARDS butler, Lionel.

gellaho

Full speed ahead into the abyss of madness

GDC

Anything but a wizard's butler would have been an anachronism.

FancyShark

His response to being a wizard's butler is to get shitfaced and wander around an island of certain death, Lionel

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

The Tempest is fuckin sweet.

dr

Hi are we on chapter three yet?

FancyShark

Sort of!

Brendan

Mary Lou died OFFSCREEN?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Sure did!

FancyShark

We're on Part 2, Chapter 1. "The Plot"

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Benny ddint even mourn her.

FancyShark

Fucking RIGHT?!

dr

Pretty ballsy to commit to having a plot after what I've seen so far

FancyShark

Lionel is so bad at this

gellaho

Do you get it? His name is hooker!

FancyShark

Bet he's happy he's not stuck with a horrible name like John Smith

gellaho

One of the inexplicable musicians inexplicably passes out

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

What?!

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

where the hell did this romance arc happen because it sure as shit wasn't on-screen

FancyShark

I guess they're in love because they didn't bang?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

All this because his downstairs neighbor brought a porno over.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

if I wrote something this garbage I'd use an alias too

probably doesn't bode well that Grant went through like 7 of them over his career

FancyShark

The assassins kept finding him

GDC

Mostly dodging angry publishers/loansharks

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Its fucked up that Grant is worse than the psychic bigfoot guy.

Like that dude can barely breathe unassisted and is a more entertaining read.

FancyShark

Psychic Bigfoot guy is a loon, but he's not a hack

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

He doesnt steal jokes either.

LIONEL.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

"gellaho is typing" will haunt my nightmares tonight

gellaho

IT has been attacking the preachers' limo. I've been skipping it, but here is how it ends

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

hahahahahah

FancyShark

wow

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

See its not so far fetched its gonna sprout a Ronald Reagan face and start quoting Little House on the Prarie now, huh?

Brendan

Giving IT laser vision seems extra.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Or a lazer nose.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

so the preacher shows up in a limo and gets iced immediately? real glad we had to waste a good chunk of like 3 whole chapters introducing him

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Or mouth.