99: Kent Montana and the Really Ugly Thing from Mars Lionel Fenn

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

And is the alien horny? Is that textual or just us deciding this star beast is also a fuck beast?

FancyShark

It's probably horny. One does not quote Ricky Ricardo without some hormones behind it

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

unconfirmed, I think it's only got a boner for murder

gellaho

The tolerant sigh of the executioner

FancyShark

Excavation requires jauntiness

gellaho

You know, the Warner Brothers shark? That reference we all know?

FancyShark

Oh, Sophia, don't get me STARTED on Warner

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

the only movie shark I know off hand is a Universal thing

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

Jaws was distributed by Universal you fucking stupid hack

FancyShark

You might think it's a throwaway detail, but the power zoom lens will pay off big in Act Three

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

God damn it, this dude is so up his own ass about movies and he can't even get the softball references right.

He's the Ernest Cline of comedy.

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

GIF

gellaho

Wakka wakka

gellaho

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Or its the worst Looney Tunes reference anyone ever made.

FancyShark

And thus, Cloverfield was born

Brendan

You're all completely ignoring Jabberjaw, the Warner Bros. shark who is also Curly from the Three Stooges.

gellaho

Make sure to describe action so it is difficult to follow

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

it's a broom, lionel

FancyShark

Couldn't even make a pun about sweeping the leg, Lionel?

gellaho

Shit nuts

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

I'll fucking DIE before I acknowledge Wet Scooby Doo.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

this dialogue reads like it was written by AI

FancyShark

"We coulda been a contenda!"

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

why introduce so many characters if you're not interested in having any of them talking like normal people

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

There's nothing artificial about this total lack of intelligence

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Trying to remember this was written when not everyone had a high grade video recording device in their pocket.

But still, at least one other person is taking video of this alien rampage.

gellaho

I guess this is where the section title comes from

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

"jug-eared" sounds uncomfortably like an old-timey slur

FancyShark

This sounds like the plan of a character with a long, full life

gellaho

Sardonic cigarettes

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Is that like an early form of vaping?

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

I'm pretty sure telling a guy directly that he's going to die isn't exactly an innuendo

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

"Editorially wise" feels like a slam on his editor, assuming there was one at some point

gellaho

Can't find fault with the logic

Brendan

The most English of cigarettes.

Most French cigarette is Sartre.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Red Faction has indicated that yes, Mars is a communist planet.

gellaho

Eat the news

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Or will be once I'm done distributing the Peoples Railguns.

FancyShark

Is Clark Kent known for his journalistic rigor? I always assumed he got assigned, like, local sports

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

...how the fuck do they know it's from mars?

FancyShark

They're guessing

gellaho

Lionel Fenn is known for his cerebral humor

gellaho

FancyShark

Hahahaha! Feces!

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Probably read the book title.

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

He does but he keeps stumbling into the middle of a Superman interest story somehow

FancyShark

That Kent. Always keeping his eye out for the real story.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

I.....always assumed Clark never really did any work aside from like baseball scores or something.

his day seems full.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

Clark usually does human interest pieces iirc

FancyShark

He's been working on a new store opening announcement since day one. He makes sure it gets destroyed every time a deadline approaches

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

there is a dude at the daily planet that's basically their only guy at the sports desk tho

I forget his name

wait, sorry, I'm getting distracted by a better story

LOMBARD

steve lombard, that's his fuckin name

Brendan

He and Lois both have Pulitzers and also they grew up with three different Presidents of the United States because comic writers can't help themselves.

gellaho

Eh, Fabian Lamanza over here

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

....what?

FancyShark

Is that a decision, Fabian?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

His uncle could die later, as a treat.

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

Later in the story Fabian will murder an alien goose with his face.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

that paragraph has big "If it weren't for my horse I wouldn't have spent that year in college" energy

gellaho

Always good to check your balls before speaking to a lady

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

oh is this ironass or whatever the fuck her name was

Brendan

There's a good writer hiding in here, I'm sure of it.

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

How exactly does he know about the ass thing if they're looking straight on at each other

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

Gestating in Lionel's chest, waiting to explode out at the dinner table

Octo

Phil Lombard

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

given the amount of characters I presume he got lost in the press

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

You can sense a good ass at fifty paces.

Brendan

It's not real talent till you can tell from the front.

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

I fucking wish

FancyShark

We keep digging, we might be hitting bedrock before we find them

gellaho

A lady politely asks for intercourse with a stranger

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

You mean you cant?! Shit am I the only one who can appreciate asses in 360 degree panorama view?!

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

I mean I can but I have to be on the internet for that

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

that men writing women subreddit would have a field day with this book, they'd burn the "about the author" section in effigy

gellaho

He's literally across the street, so he can probably hear you

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

jesus christ

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Would.

FancyShark

Oh, there's boiled rabbit in his future

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

This is a trap, 100%

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

I mean its only a matter of time before you get eviscerated by an alien.

gellaho

I have a lot of books written by women they should take a look at

Turns out bad writing defies gender

Octo

Clark is generally a Very Good reporter, but Lois leaves him in the dust; she just has a harder time not getting directly involved with her stories and is not burdened with any amount of patience.

Jimmy and Cat are who gets fluff pieces

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

Kitty's after that sweet sweet military pension money

Brendan

I'm newly returned to dating apps, and 95% of my experience tells me kitty is actually a scammer in whatever the Dubuque of Tanzania is.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Free healthcare for spouses too.

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

A wholly owned subsidiary of the Dominion of Melchizedek

Brendan

Kitty knows she only has to be married to this idiot four hours before the thing eats him.

It's the ol' Veronica Mars method.

gellaho

Meanwhile the nun has wandered over to the evangelical church and has decided the monster is a revelation from God

gellaho

I'm guessing Lionel doesn't have a great handle on catholicism

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

Oh cool I've seen the remake of The Blob too

FancyShark

"One magnificent purple instant" is how people described sex with Prince

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

Mainly his sister

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

phyllis didn't you watch this thing evaporate your husband?

FancyShark

What makes jeans humble?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Evaporating a husband is technically a kind of gift from God.

p

cat

gellaho

Although, Lionel doesn't really seem to have a handle on anything given how the lady major talks

Brendan

Well, nobody said he was all bad.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

GIF

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

She kinda can Mr. Mayor.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

I don't even know where to start with that page so I'm just gonna let vinny speak for me

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Its all gonna be pointless tho cos that alien is gonna depopulate the area before long.

gellaho

I hear you guys like bits. Here's the "shooting people's kneecaps" bit

gellaho

gellaho

FancyShark

Quoting Nick At Nite the entire massacre

A teenaged love interest

A teenaged love interest

I'm okay with them shooting Kent, but what the hell are you playing at with "a teenaged love interest", Lionel?

gellaho

For some reason, he's against using names here

FancyShark

Must be gearing up for some murders

gellaho

That's Kitty, who is the daughter of the newspaper guy, referred here as "editor"

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

we're just barely above mashing action figures together in terms of narrative structure here

FancyShark

It's less painful if you don't name them

gellaho

Who is the love interest of the teen soldier

But said in the most roundabout way possible

Brendan

Must be a pop reference to a famous Warner Bros. shark movie.

gellaho

Lionel gets paid by the hooker joke

FancyShark

See, it's funny because she sells her body for money

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Sex workers are workers, Lionel. For shame.

gellaho

It is pretty hilarious

Brendan

Still waiting for the joke part.

gellaho

Because nobody ever laughs at people's jobs

FancyShark

Lionel got paid for this

gellaho

In Laffy Taffy

It's where he gets his material

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Not when the jokes are this bad they dont.

gellaho

Secret to comedy: flip around words, write obtusely, and run-on sentences

gellaho

It's simple

FancyShark

NGL, I'd save a Laffy Taffy that talked about alien decapitation. That would rule.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Mmmm. Taffy.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

well he's right about it being confusing, at least

FancyShark

Brake and steer but don't accelerate

gellaho

A subsonic boom? So, not a boom then

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

that

that's not

that's not how it works

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Goddammit Lionel.

FancyShark

He's getting way too loose with the subject matter. Is Kent being pursued by Chita or is she carrying guns to back him up?

gellaho

Anthropomorphically bemused

FancyShark

Son of a bitch

He's Brooke-ing

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

we're this far in and we still don't know what this alien looks like

Brendan

The alien has shown up for 600 words, and 100 of them were John Wayne quotes.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Im still operating on "Y'olonac but with a Ronald Reagan head stuck on."

gellaho

Meanwhile, Artie's back on the horse

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

so we can only assume it's a be-tentacled John Wayne with laser vision

FancyShark

Wok can't be a verb

A sound effect, yes. But not a verb

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Fuck you Lionel, you fry things in a wok.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

no I think lionel's just being racist

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

He'll never FRY again.

Also Artie is starting down the dark path that leads to horse fucking.

gellaho

Apparently the major just grabbed this horny Asian cook and knew he'd be just the man to do...something

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Waste of a cook, she should have asked him for some Sichuan style pork.

gellaho

You gotta fuse that with Italian

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

At least the soliders could be eviscerated with a full and deliciously spicy meal.

Brendan

But he DID graft the Italian stereotype onto the Chinese chef who works in the Italian restaurant.

gellaho

Woks in the Italian-Chinese fusion buffet, please

Meanwhile, we're getting perverted with mud

gellaho

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Stir fried pork and tomato sauce, sprinkled with some chili flakes and parmesan, served on a bed of noodles. 🤌

FancyShark

Jesus, did she get murdered by a pirate?

Brendan

In a sense.

GIF

FancyShark

Yar

gellaho

Dare to confront your dream face

LyraV

S...spangled tights?

FancyShark

Women only gauge world affecting things by clothing

gellaho

Milos the Over-armed accidentally licks his knife

Brendan

GIF

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Um..........Two grenades in one hand I can sorta see, but two rifles in the same hand?

I think he might have misremembered some movies.

gellaho

You wanted to know about the sexual proclivities of a little girl's dog, right?

Brendan

Men only gauge world-affecting things by weaponry.

FancyShark

Lionel sure is turning all these tropes on their heads. Naming a dog "Sparky". What barriers will he shatter next?

gellaho

Always leave your kids alone during a disaster. What could go wrong?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Wire haired terrier + dachsund produces a very weird looking dog. I had one.

Brendan

As the human-haired equivalent, you're not wrong.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Its rough out there for beings that look like they are upholstered in chamois and testicle hair.

FancyShark

Lionel, if the child isn't cut in half by a laser beam to the sound of Family Feud, you are a coward

gellaho

I hear you like semicolons

gellaho

You just can't get enough, can you?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Lionel, saw toothed and serrated mean nearly the same thing. You ass.

FancyShark

It's irritating how competent Lionel is at describing the violence

Brendan

a serrated or possibly sawtoothed horn or tooth

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Noooooooo not a corgi, Lionel, you monster!

A corgi AND a parrot!

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

Dog's dead; book's bad

I don't make the rules

FancyShark

Guess they all deserved to die for not attending the town hall meeting

Or it's a different town?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

I wish I could say that made me turn on Lionel but I turned on him immediately.

FancyShark

Or they didn't get the announcement?

Or the meeting was of just people who already knew about the alien?

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

that first page was a real doozy

gellaho

I don't know if you can fit that many weapons into an apartment, Lionel. You can Tetris quite a bit, but you aren't getting to hurricane strength

gellaho

That was just out in the street

And I couldn't really tell you where anyone is at this point in time

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

a super cool woman in this story has a secret armory and it's not Mary Lou??

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Cassie had a spare nuke from that time she let Gaddafi smash.

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

how do you fuck this up, Lionel

gellaho

Lasers automatically make weapons go off, right?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Honestly the armory cooking off is the most accurate thing Lionel ever put to paper.

FancyShark

Its more than two appendages? Lionel?

Brendan

My understanding is the Thing is all monsters to all people.

it's a blob tentacle tooth Republican

gellaho

Kent rides the trunk

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

It's definitely the frontrunner this season

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Trump\Space Beast 2024.

gellaho

Propitious

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Sweet, we got to the car stunts portion of the book.

"Them ol Duke boys sure are in a pickle this time."

gellaho

Don't have a cow, man

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

"That little prick is going to kill me, and that man with the rifle is going to shoot too!"

GIF

gellaho

Meanwhile, Lionel thought you needed to know these two idiots are still not doing anything

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Lavendar..........jacket........

gellaho

Lionel keeping it classy

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Lavendar is the worst color to wear to an alien massacre, it shows stains.

gellaho

Nick discusses his dreams

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

I hate both these people. So much.

FancyShark

"You wouldn't understand and I won't help you understand."

gellaho

I mean, but Shriners are really sexy though

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

....I miss marylou

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

There's nothing sexier than fundraising medical care for the children, Lionel.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

okay fair, that does sound like a dangerous situation tho.

gellaho

Lionel intelligently and astutely muses on poopoo

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

The last great unifier of the human condition

FancyShark

I mean, if I kept watching decades of Howdy Doody, I'd want to wipe out humanity, too

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

I wonder if this alien has seen Mazinger Z.....

Or just American TV.

gellaho

Don't watch TV, only do intellectually stimulating things. Like reading

gellaho

It's not like there are any close examples of the contrary

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

I'd turn around on this if Lionel had this alien repeat some Soviet bloc tv catchphrase from like Yugoslavia or something.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

jesus is he really trying to do social commentary about that darned television?

FancyShark

Show it The Price is Right. That soothes everything

Brendan

The dumbass alien came to earth one month before it would received that Coca-Cola "Buy the world" commercial that taught it love.

gellaho

Meanwhile, or possibly in the past

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Lionel is just Ted Kaczynski with a publisher.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

finally

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Fuck yeah.

FancyShark

Benny, you became involved because you were going to rob her house. You should still be thanking her for not turning you into a rug.

gellaho

Raspberry jam is terrifying

FancyShark

That sounds delicious

Brendan

We're up to what, six loves at first sight here?

gellaho

I hope you liked catching up, because that's over now

gellaho

Back to the horny wokist

gellaho

He encounters a sentient tree

FancyShark

Treebeard meets the Italian Chinese Man

fanfic is weird

gellaho

The tree hates seagulls

FancyShark

That makes the tree the most relatable character so far

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Brendan

Philandering Wife Guy is the most complex character in this book.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

cat approves, for some reason.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

death to the tree that strands all cat kind

gellaho

But nevermind that, back to Benny. He's seeing trees get sucked off

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

"lots of smoke and stuff" how very valley girl of you, lionel

FancyShark

Upthrust Excavation is a good name for an R&B/industrial fusion band

gellaho

You expect Lionel to describe something? You fools

FancyShark

The literary equivalent of waving your hands like you're shooing away flies

gellaho

MaryLou stumbles on a laser gun

gellaho

John Smith, the hobo, grabs it

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

this is why nobody likes you john

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Were you ever rich in the first place, John?

gellaho

It doesn't end well for Benny

FancyShark

If they can get him to say his name backwards, he'll return from whence he came: the dumpster

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Shit.

FancyShark

The hilarious gunshot scene

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

MaryLou just being impressed really does it for me.

Ferrodaywatch NIGHTS

this gun apparently works just like a nerf gun I had as a kid

gellaho

No one knows what it's like to be the bad man, to be the sad man, named John Smith

Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"

his family disowned him? over his name?